Relationship MUSTS that narcissists NEVER do
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ม.ค. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They all use gaslighting. 🤦♀️😵💫🙃
Wish I'd known about this type of evil manipulative abuse a long, long time ago. Dated a guy who tricked me into thinking he was a good friend & human being for almost a decade until we dated. Then in the 3rd year of our relationship he displayed every single narc behavior in the book. Like a Jekyll & Hyde personality change. What a douche! I feel so sorry for the woman he eventually married & had a daughter with. Found her on the web so he actually did "order" his version of wife material by design, perhaps. Ugh🤨😬
😂😢
🤣
Hahahaha I love this
😂
They never take the time to listen to you or understand you. They don’t even see you. It’s like you’re not even there. All they care about is their own feelings and needs and what they’re going to get from you. You’re just a means for them to get what they want.
Exactly. It is beyond any comprehension ans so frustrating to ask them questions about responsibility, self reflection. Even when the situation goes so far that is more than clear what is going on, they will never accept responsibility. They rather attach, blame, insult verbally and above all, always are others guilty, bad, etc. Spending a half century with a family member like this may leave scars on our own personality. The only help here is to avoid contact as much as possible and train itself with a very, very thick skin. It was helpful for me.
Yep.
So true you helped me alot recover in narcissistic abuse u and Dr.ramani
❤@@tfkdandsvkc
Exactly! We don't exist. Whether it's us or some other supply, narcs will behave the way they behave.
Sorry is just a reset word for narcs. They immediately go back to the same behavior.
Well said!
yes. they said "sorry." so they are off the hook!! they are free!! they said it so you can't complain anymore! lol it's to shut you up!!
Every... single...dang... time. You have to remember that they don't mean what they say. Never do. Never did. You literally have to remember that each time their lips move, they're lying. Sociopaths are willing to say anything to get their supply. That most definitely includes apologies.
@@AdamSalaah thanks!
@@smilesandthetwistedmd7608 yup!
An apology without a change in behaviour is nothing more than manipulation
The perfect non apology. “I’m sorry you feel that way”
“I’m not sorry and I’m not gonna buy this faux apology.”
True. They can barely squeeze even THAT out sometimes
Experienced in this from soon to be ex husband.
@@kuiperkoch3498I only got 'I'd like to have a clean slate now' or 'let's draw a line under it', which I think were in place of an apology...
agree wholeheartedly
When the narcissist apologizes they’re only apologizing because they got caught. They don’t mean anything they say. When you listen to their apologies, it’s nothing but damage control and deflections. They will also blame shift and make themselves look like the victim. They will also create the illusion that they will change but they’ll always go back to their old ways, it’s rinse and repeat.
100% correct!
they will only say the words to "get out of trouble." and to shut you up!!!!
Sadly this is all too true 😞
100 % correct ! They do NOT change and they WILL NEVER change ! The only way to treat them is to run away for your life and Cut that relationship for ever
and you can train your narc to say "sorry" but it means nothing.
Apologies mean nothing if their actions don’t change
For psychopathic narcissists the rage is SILENCE… then you see the result sometimes years after. They never forget.
psychopaths are the most likely of all the personality disorders to get revenge. not just to seek it, but to get it.
for example, sociopaths may seek revenge, but their short attention spans or shortsighted natures may keep them from getting it.
but watch out for them psychopaths!
They act like they are the victim for having to apologize. And do everything other than make amends.
Narcissistic apologies feel, like fake smiles look.
lol. Good one
"I'm sorry, I was mad. I still love you. " and then they keep doing the behavior.
Right😂! I've heard that one before.
Yep, because them throwing in the "I still love you " at the end of the apology turns it around so it's still somehow our fault for making them mad which caused their behavior in the first place. 😖
What?!
@@lisabbilinskithat sounds exactly like my ex, the “I still love you” is so manipulative
@@lisabbilinskiAbusers always say that after attacking, verbally or physically.
yup
They love to say "I apologize". It's not actually an apology it's a way for to get you to shut up.
In my experience narcs NEVER apologize!
They bulldoze right over my boundaries, anyway. Leaving them has always worked best for me.
Our narc never did apologize. He just tried to sweep the abuse under the rug. When we refused to accept his minimization of our concerns, he imploded.
Same. Expected to pretend the first rage event never happened, or get second rage (and threats). Gets wilder and scarier until you give up out of fear.
I love your phrase 'our narc'. It sounds less lonely and crazy 😅
Mine did, when his back was too the wall, but the next day he was back to his old trick of blaming everyone else for everything! 😞
Omg yes. No matter what, it’s my fault, everything is ALWAYS my fault even if I am nowhere close to the problem.
They will never own it unless something is in it for them. Selfish people.
One day I made a statement to him and he exploded, "You see, you say stupid shit all the time, etc etc etc" When he stopped I said, "I just repeated to you exactly what you said to me earlier today." He was enraged. 😆
lol. Love it
@@V.Hansen. 😄
I did the exact same thing last night 😂
@@sunnysingh555 🤭
"Ok I am sorry, but won't you admit that you have a role to play, that maybe YOU are crazy, depressed and anxious?"
I love it when they scream an apology at you, and then later, when you tell them they didn't even apologize, they yell at you they did. Really, that was an apology?
The best apology I've heard repeatedly is: "There. I said it. I'm sorry. Is that good enough for you? Can we stop now? Are you happy now?" Ha!
Now I say, " I don't NEED an apology. Just STOP doing what you're doing!"
My psychiatrist told me 'don't listen to what he says', 'look at what he does'
Hyper vigilance was a thing that was so much a part of my upbringing that I thought it was a normal way to be. I remember being asked by a doctor if I was under stress. I couldn’t pin point anything out of the ordinary. It was my life.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ❤
same here， so sad
Apologies often mean little, and some things can't be apologized for.
You are soo right
@@Freespiritedqueen 🙏👍
Exactly 💯 %
True.......they don't apologize
He was good at saying “I’m sorry I’m not perfect.” Yet he sure puts on a show in public that he is perfect.
“Perfection” isn’t on the menu but it’s a common Diversion/Distraction tactic they use. Their Red herring freak flag is flying.
Ive even heard him tell friends great advice, that they need apologize and some deep stuff. He sounds perfect! ... then with us, he is stupid all of a sudden
@@Doe8617 omg totally yes! Lol. I’ve had to hold in my laughter of disbelief at times because I was like “who are you and what did you do with my husband?” But I couldn’t say that. lol.
And he was so proud of himself. lol
I saw the book “fireproof” on his dresser drawer once and he was so mad at me for “snooping.” Then I saw it soon after hidden in the trash.
Okay then. Sigh. Good riddance. lol
@@Doe8617 Mine listened and gave advice to his friends all the time. Many times he didn't come home till 4am in the morning when he finished work at 11pm. He got angry when I asked him not to wake me up at 4am when he got home. Once he didn't even come home till the next day at 6am because he was too busy talking and giving advices. Everyone thought he was the perfect man but he showed disinterest and contempt when I wanted to discuss his behavour.
My wife would always say that. I would reply "well what have you done wrong?" She never had an answer.
Is it an apology or is it a defense? Great reflection
0:24 Apologise
5:43 Self-reflect
13:18 Take Responsibility
18:34 Show affection & positive emotions
23:43 Respect your boundaries
32:29 Make you feel safe
Thanks!
Thank you for the timestamps ⏲
❤ thanks for this.
A list of everything you don't get in a narc fam ✌
The narcissist views their own humility as weakness. That's why they never own up. They see it as 'showing themselves up'. They think it gives others a meal ticket to put them down, because that's what reflects on them... that's all they care about. Their image... but that's what's so funny... they care about their image, but they do absolutely nothing to just be a better person...
The "after you've been through narcissistic abuse, you no longer feel safe" was SO VALIDATING! I spend the first year after getting out of a long term relationship with a narc celebrating my freedom. Then the second year I started realizing that something wasn't right. I had to move and I became extremely fearful of my new environment and I still can't even think about dating.
Even if they do apologize it is never genuine and there is always an ulterior motive to it.
Dr. R I can't tell you how much I ask my narcissist "don't you understand? Why does everyone else understand but you?" It's like talking to a robot 🤖 or someone who's from outer space and then he turns it around on me like I'm obsessed or crazy.
Same here. I learned to never expect understanding from my narcissistic husband. Never gonna happen.
Oh they get it, for sure. “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they just don’t agree” that prosocial
behavior applies to THEM. Quote from Dr. George Simon.
They do understand. They just love to play stupid. And when you finally had enough and called them stupid, you’re the crazy one.
Funny choice of words... I used to call him a robot, even before I knew about narcissism
Their brains are not like ours, they do not think or respond like we do.. they cannot
The "great love" who abandoned me without explanation when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness asked for forgiveness 35 years later without apology and only gaslighted me about HIS feelings, never said sorry.
Thank you for describing the feeling of not trusting anyone - not feeling safe with them. I have felt this way my whole life due to my narc mother. My narc late husband didn't help a thing. I find myself nearly a total hermit - it is SO much easier to be alone than to take a chance on trusting anyone.
'It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here..and I'm most obliged to you for making it clear that I'm not here' (Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd RIP - Jugband Blues) - You can be made to feel invisible.
They know how their behavior effects...cause they do it for reaction.
So true!
He never once apologized for anything. I put up with that for 4 years. Just before I walked away I told him I was sorry that he couldn't see what he was doing wrong.
Yes.. my soon to be ex husband just told me 2 days ago. "I'm sorry I don't do anything around the house. Not to make it a you thing.. but you're always a b****, so why should I help?" We have a 4yo and 7yo.. my husband hasn't worked in 8 years.
Yikes! I'm glad to hear you are getting away from his toxic behavior and verbal abuse.
@annjohnson8437
It's taken a long time to get to this point. It was only 2 days ago I felt I took my power back. He refused to leave, but I found out he has a "girlfriend" in another state.
Yep. Ours sat around the house for weeks at a time while I footed the bills. He got very mad when I suggested that he take care of our son during the day so we could save on daycare expenses.
I’m sorry he said that to you. It is not you. Not in a mean way but i’m glad you’re getting a divorce. It was the best thing for me and my child as well. My ex husband said “I’m not emotionally attached to you anymore, but don’t read into it” as he was walking out the door. It gets better
Let me repeat this
Your husband hasn't worked in 8 years 8 years?? 8 years. Wow
Unless he is extremely disabled this us beyond acceptable
You have to sleep with one eye open, when you're with a narcissist.
My ex would act like I'd kicked a puppy if I swore. Not swearing at him or calling him names or anything like that, just if I swore at all. He would refuse to continue any conversation if I was, say, upset about a problem at work and said it was fcked up. And then one day he got to a point where he swore AT me, said I was full of sht and such things, and I dared to ask the question, "Are you listening to yourself? What would you do if I talked to you like that?" Ooooh, let me tell you he flipped out. The slipping mask just disappeared and he called me the most hurtful things under the sun and attacked every vulnerability I had. Later, he tried to apologize (for "yelling" but not for the terrible things he'd said.) I couldn't forgive him and we were done shortly after.
The only apology I ever received went like this: “I have a hard time apologizing, it doesn’t happen often and if I have to apologize again then this relationship will be over because it will mean I don’t deserve you.” Talk about confusing. It was basically a threat.
Sounds like a guilt trip being played on you just to stop from expecting an apology from 'his highness ' ever again. He iust issues an occurrence on you for simply wanting him to not only to stop his behavior, but to also show a genuine desire to acknowledge that he did wrong by you, but to these F-heads, it's just another attempt at gaining control and dominance over you. You've only lost points on your record and are just a few short steps away from getting 'terminated' from your position. You're not only just another object, but another faceless number. ❤😢
But strangely it was true. He didn’t deserve you and he knew it. They do tell on themselves
That feeling safe thing hit me hard. That's the first thing I look for with any human or situation.
I've got a niece who is a therapist. Whenever I would get the courage to speak about something that she said or did that upset me, she would say "I'm sorry you feel that way ". I would then start to think that I was at fault somehow. Started devaluing my emotions and trying to change myself to fix the problem. We stopped talking for awhile until she called me after my partner passed away. I was crying and talking about how hard things had been for me. She actually told me that I needed to stop talking about it and move on with my life. As soon as she said that, she turned the conversation about herself and all her woes. I gave it a lot of thought once we hung up and realized just how toxic it was for me. The next time she called me a week later and started complaining about how hard everything was for her, I simply said that she needed to get comfort from "her family". The reason I stated it that way was because it was obvious that I wasn't really part of "her family". It bothered me for several months until I could get with a grief counselor. Then I was able to talk about all of it and realized just how disturbing it was that she was giving therapy and advice to people needed and paying for a therapist. It's been 4 years now and I've never heard from any of them again. I lost my man but I was free from a very toxic family.
Yes, I was the scapegoat for all of them...
I used to have a "friend" who turned out to be a narcissist. After I had figured that out, and was trying to extricate her from my lifeI heard her get bent out of shape and accuse some random woman at a store of acting entitled. I'm surprised my lungs didn't explode holding in the laugh as that "friend" had turned out to be one of the most entitled people I'd ever met!
Narcissistic apologies start with either "I'm sorry IF" or "I'm sorry YOU..."
I remember telling my Narc, "Do you not understand that all of my free time does not belong to you?? Because it doesn't!" He had to ask me to repeat myself several times, like he couldn't understand the words I was saying. He was probably buying time to formulate an intelligent response. lol
THIS ENTIRE VIDEO IS GOLD. We all need to protect her at all costs!!!!! I have never been so validated, and this all is so real in my life. It made me cry in relief. One of my parents was/is narcissistic. That parent reinforced this behavior in the rest of the family. 😮
I once heard “I wouldn’t be so abusive if you met my needs”
Whatttttt! 😂
The apology is never there it becomes a mess and then somehow you say the slightest wrong thing and They get so upset and defensive, and turn things around and instead make it a fight or that you’re in the wrong and you’re the one having to apologize again for nothing it’s like no escaping you’re always in the wrong
Thanks Dr. Ramani for educating us about Narcissism! Since I started watching your videos, I now understand the right terms and how to deal with a narc 💯
My narc: I'm so sorry, but you actually made me do it for the following reasons... so it's really your fault... and this is exactly why no one but me would ever be with you... You're so lucky to have me...
😂😂😂 spot on
Or they discard you after this blame-shifting and blocking everywhere.
"I'm sorry you feel I said/did X" is my mother's go to.
It's slickly blaming the person's feelings instead of actually apologizing.
spent so much time trying to keep peace between husband and son. My son saw this as my inability to protect him from his stepfather who always attacked him from every angle verbally and threatened him physically. I finally was able to step up and own my responsibility as his parent, in time to save our relationship. The more that the narcissist breaks you down, the more control they feel and the more empowered they are in their behavior. what saved me and my kids? Setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. I watched him walk right through each boundary - and then had to leave the relationship in order to protect me and my children. Glad I finally woke up to what was going on. Thank you to Doctor Ramani (and my therapist) for waking me up, teaching me how to enforce my own boundaries and protect myself and mine from abuse.
These are sick people .my narcissist wife would say I am sorry forget you can’t run jokes because you are too sensitive . Narcissist listen but hear only what they want to hear. Shameless people who never talk responsibility for nothing. My wife said she never wrong because she is a perfectionist
My narcissistic ex had me convinced that he wasn't responsible for his tantrums because his ex from a former relationship had" left him traumatized ". Does anyone know how to tell when your partner has genuinely been traumatized or is weaponizing your ignorance about a former relationship to excuse their abusive behavior? I never want to traumatize another victim of abuse by dismissing their trauma but I never want to be manipulated and hurt by a lying covert narcissist again. All ideas are welcome.
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
I feel like we begin to do the same thing after so many years with them. We begin to justify ourselves in our apologies when it seems everything we do is wrong. And when we offer a real apology when we know we did do something wrong, we never get to live it down. Our wrongs come up like a cycle that never ends.
I learned to avoid him until we reached a point in retirement he tried to control my income and prove me insane I spent years in therapy proving him wrong. The doctor messed up somehow as head of psych at the hospital, he tried to lock me up as a drug seeker when I had a pain mgmt Dr! The reality of the reason for my headache was from a steroid shot in C 4-5 in the base of my neck. After 4 days of building in my system it produced the WORST headache I'd ever experienced, with 25 years of non stop migraines during my active reproductive years. THIS was the absolute worst headache I had ever had. I was not looking for drugs, I had them at home, my pain doctor understood my pain and treated me well. This turned out to be the doctor death stared me when I said the shot in my neck, he ASSUMED it was in my lower back, telling me, he did not read my chart! He was gone shortly after that incident where I saved myself from yet another DEMON in my life. He ran away back to India so authorities could not charge him with neglect. There were many according to reviews on him
Exactly how I see it, too. If I say sorry for a mistake, I get nothing but 'attitude ' from certain people who act completely like I've just committed murder.😢 It's as if someone dies each time I make a mistake or because I was overwhelmed. Or, I committed adultery. 😢
This is my experience as well.
…when others call it like it is and tell the truth rather than their version of untruth. They become committed to taking you down. Like when they’re abusing you and you say something and they threaten to call the cops and report you for abusing them. Sigh.
He said “I forgive you”. That was his best apology ever!
For the record/ wishing both you and yours a wonderful day and as well a pleasant evening ahead
Yeeshhh. I always asked my narc if they heard themselves 🤦🏽♀️ They'd always use it against me and become the victim. Then I'd accuse them of gaslighting & manipulation, and theyd get angry and hang up. They HATED being told I was on to their dirty work. You literally have to turn your heart off against them or you will go crazy from wondering how they just don't have the ability to care, at all.
I have had so many narcissists show themselves during lockdown and after I became a new mom. A close friend (not my friend anymore) didn't wish me a happy birthday, which wasn't a huge thing until I mentioned that it stung a bit that she forgot and she responded with "I'm sorry you feel that way" followed by "you didn't wish me a happy birthday either" which made me realise she actually refrained from wishing on purpose and not by accident... So I sent her a screenshot of me calling her and sending a message wishing her happy birthday lol. I do remember you mentioning that narcissists can flip the switch on birthdays and special occasions like Christmas etc, I already was living with an abusive partner at the time and so my birthday was already horrible. Now I don't celebrate it at all.
I make a bigger deal for my daughter's birthday and Christmas for her, which is very healing. ❤
We’re simply Possessions. We don’t deserve to be heard in their world.
Off the record- a while back traveling 🧭 with a friend to see another friend who lived thirty miles away it was raining 🌧️; the rain clouds ☁️ only drenched my friend on the driver’s side of the car 🚙 and this friend started explaining to me why this phenomenon was “ all my fault “ ; to me: I actually had nothing to do with it : it was Rain ☔️ From Heaven!!!
Amazing , huh !
Having had a narc was an eye opener. Didnt take but a gnats eye to recognize it in a sibling. Disappointed but aware.
Distance is my friend.
What my narcissist wanted was to validate an outdated prejudice about my cultural identity and to find out why I wasn't the cultural 'other' they had imagined. A prejudice so extreme that I can't even wrap my head around it. That's a no-go, with no excuses, in my world.
❤dr ramini this is spot on I can’t get through the day without listening and watching you This happened over and over you look for the genuineness but it doesn’t come and then you start to see the pattern. Thankyou ❤️
Some seem to believe that whatever they do is their right, so they don't really have anything to apologise for, and the awkward apology is just a transaction to continue the relationship.
I'd agree with that
I definitely relate to having a lack of trust.
He never apologised. Even after he cheated openly in front of me. Never apologised for lying to me. Never apologised for betraying me. Never apologised when he called me fat.
Well, we’re just Possessions the child gets bored with so like any other Toddler they discard or demean you because you’re an object, not a human being.
My ex narc never apologized at all for anything. Neither did my parents nor do they still. Walked away from all of them.
There is also the narcissistic retaliation. The smear campaign, discard, parental/familial alienation, and a plethora of other toxic behaviors are just a few of the possibilities.
Any apology I have ever received in my life from my parents or siblings has been "I'm sorry you feel that way" (or variation). There is also always the implication that I am too sensitive or just can't let things go.
They don’t like the shame, but shame them enough and they’ll not want to be anywhere near you. Win-win
They apologize with their own self-centered motive
Yup... 2 year old tantrum...I was scared and completely confused. I asked everything you said not to! So I was discarded, in a nasty rage rant... 13 years and i had never seen the 2 year old tantrum before. I was questioning a lot and I guess it pushed him. Seen rage, yes but that was worse! I didnt know what i was dealing with at the tiime or how serious it is
I've got plenty of apologies in the form of future fakeing
O I've said " are you hearing yourself" so many times and your again 1000% right because often my question would be followed by the "I don't care "
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Im going through all of this right now. ❤
Very helpful tools to feel safer. Thank you. Being present DOES help tremendously, as does exercise.
They simply can’t see it-that darkness is hard on everyone.
Got that right!😮
I was having a conversation with someone once, and I said something along the lines "yes you're clever but you're not that even tempered" they then snapped at me and it seemed pretty genuine, they were upset when I pointed out the irony.
😂
Dr. Ramani you always do a wonderful job sharing (with such an amazing high degree of consistency) , your depth of insights into narcissistic “situationships” - thank you, thank you, thank you 😊😊😊
My narc never said I’m sorry. I believe he truly never was. He never sees my feelings or my needs. I am easily discarded and devalued.
I have learned to turn the same behaviors back on him, and the funny thing? He doesn’t like it. Ha! Now, if only he could learn from it. But we all know that’s not gonna happen. A narc cannot change.
I have sadly learned to get my needs, met outside of my marriage, and I’m not talking infidelity. I’m talking connections with friends mostly women, exploring activities that are important to me like working out and traveling to places that I want to go whether he comes or not.
It is important to not let your narcissist, behaviors or opinions define you. Stand up, find your voice and strength, and do the things that are important and healthy for you to be a whole human being. It’s not easy, but my narc has made me a very strong person.
After a pseudo love bombing and a few blanket apologies I didn't accept, he didn't even try to justify his behavior, but he moved on to a direct attack on me. And that was coming from a covert narcissist who never showed his true colors, so that basically said everything I needed to know. I'm not an easy person (for a narcissist) and I'm still not sure why he put up with me for so long (year and a half as "friends", as in an intense frienship), it could just be because I was in a higher power position than him in our environment, but once we got into an intimate relationship, I'm so glad that two months in I started following your channel and learning about narcissism. Still, he tried hard for the last month, but once he realized there was no going back, he finally dropped the act, and I was appalled at seeing him for what he truly was (my gut feeling had been yelling at me all along, but I didn't know the first thing about narcissism and I kept dismissing it, but often I even confronted him, probably clumsily and ignorantly). So thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, I wouldn't probably have done so well and so quickly without you. You saved me a lot of time, hurt and frustration (not all of it, but definetely a lot! 😅) ❤
you are so right on in your insight into these types of people.
I got the almighty text apology after 10 months no contact. When I pushed for answers, he pretty much admitted it was a ‘blanket apology’ and I was ‘one of many’ he sent an apology to. I believe it was merely an attempt to satisfy something his therapist asked him to do or it was part of some 12 step program. The apology meant NOTHING and I told him so, then blocked him. It was like he had to get that one last dig in, that I was only ‘one of many’. That was all I needed to not only shut the door, but lock it too. Remember, you are nothing special to them. They didn’t pick you. If not you, it would have been someone else. Yes it hurts, but get out and never go back.
The best I have ever gotten is “I’m sorry you feel that way”
the fun times are when the narcissistic person asks you "are you listening to yourself right now!?" when you are in a medical emergency. I have chronic illness and they use this phrase to make me feel crazy so they don't have to take me to the hospital. For example if I had a seizure and asked for help, I would be gaslit with this exact phrase. I've learned to just shut up and pray i don't die.
My ex-wife has never apologized to me for anything. Or admits to being wrong. Never has. Never will. I do my best to stay no-contact as much as a co-parent can.
I did actually get my mother to give an apology that wasn't an excuse. I could see how uncomfortable she was. She looked like she was going throw up. But I wasn't going to allow her to get away with treating my children the same way she treated me. I shocked her into an honest apology. She has gotten slightly better since then, and it's been really interesting.
My sister used to "smile" after I got really, really mad at her. "Oh, Mary." When I laid into my older narc brother for using texts as a passive/aggressive tool --sometimes he'd reply--sometimes not-----He giggled, "Oh, I'll have to improve my texting skills." Meanwhile the pattern persisted until I went no contact (with both of them) ~
I chased mine out of my life with sheer mockery and refusing to run her ridiculous script. It took a while to understand.
I used to make fun of her for coming up with a new word that i had never heard: "sorrybut". I got it from the million tines she said, "i'm sorry but..."
I would look at her when she did one of her things and say "are you..sorrybut?" 😅😅
When "Sorry Butt" became my favorite term of endearment to her she was out lol.
😂
Genius
"I'm sorry you felt [insert your reaction to something shtty they did but don't want to own]."
Part of recovery is making amends, except when to do so would cause harm to the other person or yourself.
Every time my narc demanded an apology for something I didn't do or cause, I would say I hate it that they feel hurt, but I didn't do the thing (or I explain why what I did was perfectly normal).
They would then embark on a wild journey, not even disputing what I say, but saying that the fact that they feel hurt means they don't need to listen to anything but an apology.
I'm glad they didn't see this video. They would 100% have jumped on the easy excuse that I was a narc and making insincere apologies.
I have experience with a narcissist using apologies to basically call attention to her mean behaviors and make extra sure you noticed what she did - definitely a malignant type, although she is very good at appearing to be sweet and innocent. Fun.
My mother‘s apology was to blame Her downs granddaughter that it was her fault.
Wow
In 8 years I can count on one hand with half my fingers the times I’ve gotten an apology. Yet apologies are constantly required and demanded of me followed by a demand of a verbalized commitment stating how I will change whatever it was that offended her. Which always turns into her telling me what the only acceptable commitment is. It’s always something that’s near impossible to comply with, adhere to or complete. As to set me up for failure and to use as another reason / example of why I “don’t care”, “don’t try hard enough”, am “selfish” etc.. It’s a damned if I do damned if I don’t situation. All the while refusing to commit to a resolution or change on her behalf… because that would be a point of “accountability” that could be referred to. It’s exhausting, it’s rife with double standards and hypocrisy. All marriage counseling has done is arm her with more tools to twist and warp perception, she’s the biggest victim, horribly treated most beat down wife in the world until the appointment is over.
One said... "Don't you think I deserve companionship?"
Rarely does my husband “apologize” but when he does, he proceeds to explain why it was my fault for whatever happened that he was so graciously “apologizing” for, so i listen to what he’s saying but never accept his “apologies”….then he really gets mad.
happens to me too
-Communication WITH actions to improve the relationship afterwards
-Independence
-Self awareness
-Effort
-Accountability
-Responsibility
-Empathy
-Maturity
None of these are within a narcissist, which is why relationships NEVER work.
The one my own mother said to me one too many times until I finally cut her out of my life was
"I had NO idea that I did that, but I'm sorry if I did!"
It might sound crazy but I think, healing completely would have been possible before l started learning more about narcissism. Now I know what it is, I'm more aware, I see it everywhere and it makes me ill. It's better to see LIFE through blurred vision, because the bad outweighs the good. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes ignorance is bliss.
It is a defense mechanism. The apology is part of narcissistic toxicology. They want to save face.😊
My apologies back to them have almost become just as ingenious
Huh, that is true…and sad…
They find our apologies to be ingenious anyway, even for something small that is work related. They still attack your character in general. I was accused of "murdering" my own Parents with cancer just by 'being an embarrassment to the family '. If they are so much better than me, why didn't they come and help out my parents, let alone check up with them to see how they were doing during their cancer battles when they were alive. Even providing cares for them. Nope- all they cared foe was social interaction and free drinks from them when they were well and getting around decent yet. Perhaps never even thought of buying them a drink or a small meal.
They have, certain ones anyway, have had experience with my Dad on his fishing boat alone for at least probably over a dozen times. I haven't ONCE been on that boat with him since he bought it. My only fault is that I haven't gotten out by him enough. Yet, they are so maliciously manipulative, that they more than likely have filled his head with garbage thoughts that I didn't care about him. Now , since he recently passed, these certain co-workers, who want to make themselves out to be as 'more family than I could possibly be on my best day', don't want me to forget that, even though they weren't there for ANY of them when they were alive, unless it benefits them.