NARCISSISTIC RAGE: Understanding and managing outbursts
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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It is a sadly funny part that narcissist expects us to deal with their temper tantrums, rage and constant criticism while soothing them and understanding their behaviors but they are the first to point fingers at you and judge you for any slight bit of negative emotions. No matter what they did to anger you, your reaction is always inappropriate while their own reactions are always justified. Their hypocrisy is really sickening.
That’s what I’ve been struggling to put into words, it’s so bizarre!
You summarized it well!
It’s so painful.
They see us as their parent and expect us to love them unconditionally, to forgive all of their transgressions, and to give them everything that their neglectful/abusive parent didn't give them. But because the resolution or validation never came from their own parent, what we give them will never be enough. We are stuck being their nannies.
Well written! I couldn’t have summed it up any better.
They want to be handled softly and deal with us harshly.
Wow exactly
Exactly 💯 %, we're only lucky to have a third party to spell it out entirely to them entirely and effectively ❤😢.
I don’t think people desire to be narcissistic, I wish there was more support and talks about how a narcissist can manage the problematic issues and heal instead of saying there’s no hope for them and talking about how bad they are, it’s very discouraging…I’m thinking of the 4 minute mile- it has been done and perhaps so can narcissism be helped
Handled with kid gloves too since they act so immature
@@shanDalicousThankyou!
I feel that narcissists find enjoyment in being mad. They’re always looking for something to be angry about. It really gives them fuel hence why they tend to push people’s buttons a lot and feed off of their negative reactions. Narcissists will even get mad when they can’t find anything to be mad about.
Scary but true. It's all done to keep everyone around them to walk on eggshells. Control is their goal.
Completely agree 💯
So true. Mother has to have an enemy. She can't function without one. When she couldn't find one, she would use me.
Exactly. Even makes driving around doing simple errands together unpleasant - they just have to keep up a constant diatribe against other drivers or the world in general. I'm not "allowed" to go out alone (it's "too dangerous" and I'm "vulnerable and not aware enough") I used to love running around places, now I just dread being stuck in the car with him.
Sometimes they will be standing there with me like an overactive overgrown child whilst I do things and then in the split of a second just slams his hands/fists down or taps erratically with a utensil or something or slams a door or like they're mad or something and I look up and they'll be looking at me like they're trying to test my attentiveness to them. It has all the signs of someone who's in a rage but there's literally no cause or situation for it. I usually just move on cos in a split of a second they'll be back to obliviously bathing in their own built up glory. And if I'm extra lucky they might use my momentary uncertainty to start telling me how to do the thing I was already doing that they weren't doing when they chose sporadically losing composure over nothing
Its insane how much inner rage they have and they'll dump it on you at the most unexpected times..
My brother will go on for a half and hour straight about how in the worst person to ever exist and only I make him act this way. I find it hilarious. Mostly because Im far physically stronger than he so he can't do anything to me. It's incredible how round up I can get him
@TrevorHamberger I wish I have, or perhaps had this effect on people I work with, or have worked with. And that they could have felt discernment from.
On us or at a door, screaming at the floor, scary sight.
@@TrevorHambergerI still have at age 59! I am medicated (20yrs) and had to finish work at 56 (nursing) because of frequent outbursts. It’s a horrible life tbh. The depression which hits after the anger has subsided can last for days! People in one’s life become tired, wary and alienated. I would never encourage a partner of someone with this behaviour to stay.
Dumping all their rage and negative projections onto you. Expecting you to fawn and introject. AND
When you are rightfully upset about something they minimize, gaslight, blameshift and bring up your "mistakes".
No thanks. Enough is enough.
Living with a narcissist is like being read your rights-"Anything you say can and will be used against you!" Living with them is like being locked in jail. Frankly I'd rather be in jail than spend one more moment with my ex! I hated his constant screaming, shrieking and breaking things in his rages. I am so fed up hearing him complain and yell round the clock about how unfair it is that"Everybody has it better than me!" Blah blah blah! Meanwhile he is so spoiled and selfish. I was so embarrassed when we'd go outside together and he'd cut in line at the gas station or simply refuse to be friendly to people working at cash registers. If only I could take a paper bag and put it over my head in those moments rather than morbidly apologize when he was out of ear shot or try ro make up for the rudeness by being extra friendly. I'm glad I'm away from my ex!😊
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Anything you say or don't say can and will be used against you.
He sounds like he was one of the worst. Mine was overly friendly to everyone outside the house. He'd rage at me inside the car or house.
So happy for you that you escaped. Now I pray you will begin the healing and find your true self once again.
Not understanding about narcissism and having to deal with them is the worst situation to be in.
Truly is. It’s confusing and terrifying. Would have saved many people so much time and heartache etc if we knew what we were dealing with. Times irreplaceable.
SO true! I’ve spent 28 years married to one and NEVER knew there was a diagnosis for his childish behavior. I’m only 2 weeks into this revelation and I’m in shock and scared
@@sharonsmith9332 relatable, I thought I had a companion 29 years waiting for a Faked Future. It is a shock & I’m sorry you’re going through this, it hurts. Revelations get worse as you develop clarity&understanding about things that happened in the past and present. Your reaction, that horrible sinking icy feeling gets so much better and you learn to respond instead, you’ll learn how. Yoga and meditation help me learn about my body, mind, spirit etc and helps me in my healing journey. Still have days full of tears and anxiety, afraid. I know the sorry truth now and won’t waste more time, I don’t have any more time!
@sharonsmith9332 You will get past the shock and being scared part soon. As you see things for what they are from these miniputive demons. You will be able to maneuver around their tactics. They will sense that there's a change, and try different strategies with you. But you will have soo much knowledge that the crap they try to pull will just come right back at them! And don't fall for any love bombing. That just last for a day or two and then the mask falls off and they're right back to their pathetic toddler age selves.
@@francalatona591 yes, your words are perfect! Clarity is key to healing, seeing true reality with no one controlling your narrative and gaslighting the truth.
I think it's about anxiety and control. Raging gives them the illusion of control, and temporarily relieves anxiety.
Dr Ramani, I know that I will never be able to personally speak to you, to thank you, so I will do it like this. For the last three years you have been my best friend. I swear I watched every video you made. I was so hungry to understand what had happened to me, and you were there with all the explanations. You helped get me to a point where I could finally raise my head up enough to ask for help. I have been in counseling for about a year now. I'm healing. I don't know what this would have looked like without your help. I am sad to admit that for a while, you were the only thread keeping me here, but you gave me hope. I will never be able to repay what you have done for me. I have realized that it is finally time to let you go. I have learned so much from you, but it's time for me to stop focusing on the narcissist and start focusing on me. It's time for me to be the best me in spite of all the ugly in my past. My friend, I wish you all the happiness, joy, and success this life offers. I could never say thank you enough, but thank you. ❤
Omg You said exactly what I would like to say to Dr Ramani! Even the amount of time I’ve been watching her videos are about 3 years now she has expanded my growth!
❤
Same here! You worded this so perfectly! I am crying as I read your comment and as I write my reply. I wish you the very best in life and much joy and happiness in your healing.❤️🩹 it’s what we all deserve! 💝And yes a great big thank you to Dr. Ramani for her wonderful gift of reaching us all and her unending knowledge!
Ditto
This popped up on my phone as I was in the car with my husband as he started raging at me about something I said that be didn’t like…he ran into a store for a minute and I started the video…your first few words in the opening statement summed him up perfectly. Thank you for helping me…
Glad it found you! Welcome to the chat.😊
I can't tell you what to do but please don't waste 29 years with a narcissist (like I did). It's better to be alone. They do not get better. They do not change. Good luck and God be with you.
They LOVE getting their victims trapped in a car - no where to go. I used to get raged at every trip for being late to leave. Of course HE was ready, because I did EVERYTHING to prepare us. Took me years to realize he was setting me up with last minute requests so I would be late. It seemed so logical: "But Honey, I was only late because you asked me to do XYZ..." Ha! Still sets me up, I'm just hyper prepared and even if he does manage to make me late, I let him rage, realize it's not me and play music in my right ear to distract myself.
Good luck to you. I hope you find the strength and means to take care of yourself. I can’t explain the peace that comes with not having to deal with them anymore. it’s been 14 months since I last was raged at by my daughter. Now, I am in control of my time. If I don’t want to do anything, I don’t. No one is here to criticize me anymore. I still feel grief every once in a while for not being able to have a good relationship with her. Radical acceptance of the truth of the situation is necessary. I’m 75. Learning about narcissism has helped me make sense of the craziness that has been my life. I’m thankful to have clarity. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your insightful videos. They have helped me change my life.❤
@@beverlyadams7205it's the worst when it's your child. Especially an underage child you can't divorce.
Reactive abuse too. I was just sick of it. Hurt me I’ll hurt you deeper. Sadly, I did. Don’t stoop to their level-just walk away. No phone calls. No letters. Give them what they asked for: a new victim.
Yup. It's such a mind f@#k to get pushed into acting like them, against your natural insticts, just to survive them. It's best just to leave them be.
Brilliant
Really? A new victim? As long as it's not you?
@@ScorpioFeniks-dh9ptthat caught my eye too, and to me it indicates the absolute frustration we feel, the desperation to be out. We're too overwhelmed at this point to think of the next victim. But when out safely, our empathy returns.
Imagine the "RAGE" they would feel if all 1.59 Million of us and others like us, formed our own little country and the narcissists were left behind to keep each other company. 🤣
Oh I wish
@youngblood8540 Yess!!! I would love to watch from a distance with hidden cameras to see how they destroy eachother!
Chaos that would be 😅
@@sallyfrost5002 That would be the best reality show.
Wouldn't that be a dream!
The thing I really can’t stand is when they tell themselves lies about who you are and things you’ve done even down to why you did it, they believe it. In their minds just because they think it, it becomes true. And no matter what the truth really is they will tell who ever they can that what they think is the only truth.
So true! They twist everything, and they have an incredible ability to do it. It's unbelievable how easily people buy what they say.
I think my biggest problem with coping with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse is how delusional their perspective is... Every single thing that they did contradicts what they were even angry about in the first place. "I'm allowed to be angry and say whatever I want but YOU aren't allowed to get mad at me." "You aren't allowed to say no to me but YOU HAVE to respect my boundaries." I seriously can't wrap my head around all of the hypocrisy and the way they treat themselves like they're the victims. I know it's apart of the abuse but the level of gaslighting really makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong.. especially when they stonewall you and you can't even defend yourself..
Yeees.
It's all about double standards. That's the mind F. It's inherently unfair and if you try to do anything about it, they'll twist every conversation onto you and refuse your reality until you question your own sanity.
I had found a new friend and she wanted me to paint a mural on her 6’ high fence. She made a big deal of it once she knew that’s something I do for a living. I told her that I’d teach her how to scale the image from a picture to full size on her fence. I also taught her blending techniques as I helped her with her project.
To my surprise, the pics she took of our transpiring project were posted to Facebook eliminating any photos of me or me being there. I have never needed “praise” for my paintings, but for her to sit back and soak in all the compliments and thumbs ups . . . and making herself look and sound humble for what she’d done was very disappointing to me. When I went to work the next week, a co-worker asked “I saw the photos on FB . . . I thought you were helping her?” It wasn’t that I even wanted the acknowledgement, but for her to steel the fun experience that I thought we were doing as friends should have been a huge red flag!
It took me 5 long years to realize what she was up too! She is a narcissist and I was feeding her puffed up ego! Never again will I let someone into my inner circle so quickly.
While I clearly have narcissistic tendencies, this is something I personally would never do. If I get help on a work, then it's not mine anymore, and therefore I don't feel I can take credit for it. I'm sorry this person took credit from you that you clearly deserve.
It's your work. You should get credit for it. Narcissist take credit and steal other people's ideas/work all of the time. Another thing that narcissists DON'T do is gratitude.
It took me a long time to realize this is something my husband does, I bought a house,he could never give me credit, I helped him build out his shop, did all the painting and staining, he will never offer that info when someone compliments on how it looks, just take full credit. Now I understand it's because he's narcissistic and I'm so tired😢
This reminds me of my mom. I don’t even know if I have any talent at it but it’s so easy to me to improve the look of an ugly (sh*tty) home. It’s just what you do, no big plans or projects or complicated stuff needed. So I would have simple ideas about how to improve the homes we shared (long, narcissistic story) and she would use them. For example, we redid a bathroom and I picked out the flooring and paint color and the color of the vanity and so on. I paid for half the remodel which I later realized I was manipulated into. When she sold the house, she was sure to tell me that the buyers mentioned they *loved* that bathroom. It helped sell the house. The other things I suggested, like painting dark wood cabinets light, also helped. I probably added at least $50,000 in value to the house, from doing labor to my ideas to actually *paying* for improvements, appliances, etc.
I get no credit at all. She acts like I was a mooch or something (I paid rent, I took care of everything at home while she worked 60-80 hours a week for 20+ years). She has a very specific design sense that is not appealing to a lot of people. Like her and my aunt would go dumpster-diving and get old, run-down junk and “fix it up,” and stuff it everywhere. But things still looked… creepy. She has asked for my input many times at other places and I have helped but she still acts like I am a lazy good-for-nothing if I’m not waiting on her hand and foot and cleaning constantly and asking her about herself all the time, like a good Handmaiden. It doesn’t matter what I do though, it’s never of value.
People just don’t understand.
Life is such a gift and most of the time we don’t realize how many things we take for granted.
Some narcissists have less vulnerability and have skills and charm to actually make it to the top. They still don’t seem happy when they ‘make it’, and enough never seems to be enough.
This is VERY SPOT ON! I have one of these people in my life! I can't say anything without being yelled at for "attacking" him. And I'm not attacking! There is nothing I can say that won't be twisted and misintrepreted.
Consigned!!
I have been playing the guitar for 30 years, now that I am depressed I feel blessed I have got interests and hobbies I can practice myself. My suggestion to everyone, at any age, practice what makes you happy and learn to play an instrument, it's incredibly satisfying and you can see steady progress going on, we can do it!!
Hostile people go off when you least expect it. It isn't that you don't know it's coming, you just don't know when the shoe is going to drop.
Often narcs 'listen' but never truly 'hear'.
I don’t even know that they’re listening a lot of the time
They do listen, but only and *only* for as long as the information is beneficial to them - preferably also exciting. Or above-and-beyond praise (to my laugh, sometimes for things visibly not true even for most outsiders). They'll *definitely* remember your (intentionally or not) failed attempt to buy them something they desire. Them completely betraying you, for no valid reason? Not so much.
Just waiting to say what they were going to anyways, IF you can finish a sentence.
I don't know that much English but I think the correct way will be hear but don't listen(meaning they hear the sounds, ideas, but dont pay attention, sometimes not at all hear, ur voice doesn't capture their attention because they have made up on their mind to give u none). In Spanish: oyen pero no escuchan.
If they listen, my dad dictates to me. He doesn't "hear" much less "listen". He talks at me rather than to me. It's annoying!
Dude demanded to know if I was the love of his life, he got angry when I told him he was the most narcissistic person I knew-and he broke off the relationship-did me a solid actually-I reckon I dodged a bullet.
Yep. Absofuckinglutely
@ratgirl13 .. i had to chuckle at your comment. I can envision the look on his face ...😅
Daddy always held every single holiday or family event with the threat of his rage. A tantrum from him was always a wrong answer away.
Both my mother and my stepfather were like that.
Yes. Holidays in my childhood home were always like walking on a tightrope. No matter what there would be a reason to flip out on my father’s part. It was inevitable.
And whatever you did made it worse.
Yeah, because they cop their snotty rich-kid-assed silent treatments at you, and also 'play favorites with other people in front of you, just to get a sense of advantage from you that you were on-upped, even from a sibling or a friend, or even either one of your co-workers. Either your's or theirs, perhaps leaving the option as to whether it was society driven or not.
Same here. My father's narcissistic rage ruined all vacations and family gatherings
Dr. Ramani, I love how you say the word "amazing". You say it like so many overly dramatic people that I know.."ahhh mazing!" It gives me a good laugh every time I hear it 😂😂😂
This can also happen with codependents. No longer seeking validation and being comfortable alone has been my personal journey.
I think for victims of parental narcissistic abuse who then end up marrying a narcissist, or really anyone continuing choose to live with or have relationship with a narc abuser is a form of codependency. Or at least plays a part in their choosing to stay in an abusive relationship. Obviously, other things factor into it. But the need to learn how to stop seeking external validation and learning to be comfortable while alone, are usually the result of narcissistic abuser conditioning you to use codependency (on them and later on various but familiar versions of them). It’s a tactic used on the victim that ensures long term source for the narc to use for their emotional regulational needs. Whether it’s due to the addictive love bombinb/ hovering tactics the narc uses or that it feels familiar and normal for us, and therefore healthy emotional experiences make us feel uncomfortable or fearful. Codependency is at play.
As a result if this video, I took a few moments to assess my own behaviors through the years. Have I ever been unable to self-regulate? Oh sure. I think we all have had those times. Plenty of them. But I can look at them, realize I'm human and want to do better. For a narcissist, though, looking at oneself in a critical way is just too painful. Many lack the ability to even take a peek. Therein lies the ability for me to have compassion for them. DISTANT compassion.
Doctor Ramani thank you for your precious work. YOU are amazing not the narcs ❤
Ex wife tried to say her rage tantrums were just how women express their emotions. I was like bull. I've seen healthy relationships and this was never a part of them.
My existential thought on 'life is not fair' is I feel that justice is playing out in ways we cannot completely comprehend in a single lifetime 😎
You know, I don't even want revenge. I'm that little kid that still just wants the abuse to stop.
I find all kinds of ways in my head to figure it out sometimes still. Did she have a brain injury is she autistic.....what the hell is wrong with her.
She trades victims. I will hear if her being mean to siblings....who all just want a normal relationship. None of them will talk about anything that could clear the air. The second one of five just died....and none of them were speaking.
So after the funeral this week, pattern says they will all be best friends and the cycle will repeat.
It's been that way for 56 years that I know about. I got off that wheel 14 years ago.
@@nikkinorton8310 sometimes the first step to justice or the only step of justice available is taking safe distance from people &/or environments that treat us unjustly, when it is in our power to do so ⚖️😎
@@pragmaticpoet for sure. If given that opportunity. I had a stalker for 11 years leaving death threats.
We get so used to abuse sometimes we are too stupid to be scared. And leaving is when that's going to happen.
A thank you for a simple gesture of kindness never seems to be enough......they want you to thank them profusely while at the same time looking down on you and shaming you for needing help in the first place.......I'm often confused because it seems narcissists love for you to need them but also devalue you for the same reason......this has made me not want to ask for their help at all.........Oddly, if I make it clear that I don't want their help, that's when they can become pushy and insistent on helping but then when i ask them for help directly, they have an exasperated, "must I always save you" tone which comes across as very condescending........My narcissistic parent belittles me for needing help but then will try to sabotage me if I find a way to get things done myself or find someone else that is willing to help me without making me feel badly about needing help.........
Yes. Over time nothing u do will be right because that's the meanness in them. They want to ruin you. I hope u can find some good outlets. Is there a family member u can rely on ? If you are older maybe u can move out, and put huge boundaries up so your parent can't hurt you anymore or at least as much. Tuning them out is hard to do. It's good that u have insight. Keep learning about this. Good luck !
The narcissist, is the father of my unborn child, we work together. He’s always getting me to build him up more than the other co-workers. Validating his accomplishments, how he’s more qualified than others.
I’m stressed, pregnant and alone…
Thank you, Dr. Ramini, for reminding those of us who are on the receiving end of narcissistic rage that their shame is something we cannot and will never control.
What got me so much is when I asked him to leave I wanted to discuss the fact that he still had to help me because we were married. Say I wasn't stupid like I was the first time + I could see that he read my text but he would not reply. I could see every one of them he read and That showed me just how sick he really was. But I will not turn my back on him but I will not live with him. It's just not something I can do because we have had the best freaking years together. I mean I don't even know who this person is and it happened in a year and a half but I'm never going to be in another relationship. It's too risky.
Omg Dr.Ramani what I would do for a chance to work with you/have you as mentor for any amount of time at any time. I followed my heart for years and it lead me to be finally working on my PMHDNP and I’m still finding your lectures so necessary for understanding the bigger picture of mental health and how it all really works. I took PESI course recently to help train me to better understand how to help my clients who I feel are showing signs of narcissistic abuse and was so happy to see you pop up as instructor. You’re by far my idol in this field. I can listen to you all day any day and never get tired. Youre a radiant beautiful soul and my brain so appreciates all your priceless wisdom and especially your uniquely effortless way you’re able to feed it all this complex information in such an interesting and memorable way. Thank god for you and thank you for all that you do and how damn well you do it! You’re changing not only people, but the world and history. Sorry for being corny, but I have so much love for all that is you 🙌🏻💗🥰🙏🏻 god bless
Well said. I absolutely agree with you. Dr. Ramani is a light in the dark when it comes to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the survivors of narcissistic abuse. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Constant validation and appreciation seeking is a relationship killer especially if the person isn’t doing anything that deserves appreciation… that’s why I’m drained and felt so exhausted after leaving that marriage.
One of the things hardship has taught me is to really live “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. I tell my kids being kind is a small act that can have large ripples and you may give kindness to someone who doesn’t get it from anyone else.
8:16 After leaving my husband 30 years ago, I’m finally understanding why he was SOOOO cruel to me in every aspect of married life by getting therapy from your you tube explanations. Thank you
I worked for my narc dad for over a decade though most of my 30s. He raged at me several times a week. Now the business went under due to his mismanagement and he doesn't understand why I don't want to hangout and talk on the phone everyday.
It's really amazing how they can completely ignore their impact. He has to have so many memories of screaming at me. Twoce a week for 10 years at least. But he can't understand why those tantrums count or matter.
You are supposed to have amnesia for their terrible behavior.
This sheds a ton of light on my situation! He's covert about it, he has many friends and I don't think any of them would beleve what he's really like if you are closecto him, I used to care about that, now even though I have sympathy for him, I have to find a way out, he'll never change and definitely holds me in contempt for seeing through his BS now, love is definitely not always enough.
Agreed ,I’m just 2 weeks into this info about my husband of 28 years. It’s all making sense now and I’m scared
@sharonsmith9332 I'm a total of 15 years in, I feel for you, it's very hard situation to deal with. I wish you the best!
Once u see what's going on you can't unsee it.
@kellycampbell6826 💯 fact! It took me a long time, but now I see the pattern. It's sad really.
Awesome video! My soon to be ex wife is notorious for shame/rage cycles on Facebook. She’s currently on a relentless smear campaign against me on Facebook and keeps getting so enraged with me because I have given zero responses to her allegations and rage posts. She keeps escalating her lies about me hoping I strike back but I refuse to respond. I’ve gone from an addict to a racist and currently I’m a wife beater in her world. She has zero proof or receipts for these allegations but that doesn’t stop her. I let it all roll off my back, she’ll eventually get what she deserves. I’m an empath and she just can’t intimidate or rattle me and that enrages her so much! Best advice I can give is ignore them and let whatever they say roll right off your back.
Take her to court for slander. Sometimes u have to stop them.
I think someone trying to shift that need for supply should try doing things for other people. Make crafts for them. Volunteer. And once you've mastered that, try doing stuff for others and not get caught. Do things for others and keep it a secret forever. Pick up trash in a public place. Leave money to pay for a random person's coffee or community theater ticket.
I was married to a narcissist for 9 years. If I told you the things he’d do to get validation and praise from anyone/everyone, you would NOT believe it. The scary part is that it all looked believable (and often humble/sweet) to the outside world. I’ll never forget this one instance where he publicly posted himself painting a canvas “for my beautiful wife just because” - he captioned - right after a fit of rage that left a hole on a door. The post even had romantic music playing in the background 😱
Oh the positive feedback he got was unreal. Once the painting was done he began watching the “likes/comments” while enjoying many cocktails. As always, he used that to tell me how great he was and I didn’t appreciate him 😳
Love what was said here about gratitude… helps so much. Takes work to change the filter of which one sees the world
Narcissists biggest fear = Psychologists & Counseling (opening Pandora's Box) 💯💯💯💯💯©️
I agree, my EX dil own kid said in front of everyone... Don't let her fool you she's mean! I was like I've been fooled by her for years
In the moment--in the thick of it--once you've gotten to the level of radical acceptance, you can calm yourself with the knowledge that the narcissist is acting from a place of deep insecurity. Once you understand that, it is easier to become a regulated and less emotional observer at any given moment, as long as you maintain radical acceptance. Knowing this helps me to have compassion for them--which feels a lot better than animosity and frustration--although I'll never trust them or think they will change. Knowing their motivation cements the realization that "It's Not You." (Yes, Dr. Ramani's book title; can't wait to read it!)
Hear, hear, radical acceptance was at the basis for my rebuilding my life. 🙏
Not having had any education re all things Narcissistic I constantly thought it was always my fault for setting them off on the rage cycle & then trying to show compassion for them only added to the rage
"You can't win," & it was never my fault
That information in & of itself is validation for me now & I will forever be grateful to you Dr.Ramini for educating so many of us who would otherwise be still blaming ourselves
Attempting to live with or have any kind of a relationship with narcissistic people is likened to pouring water into a bucket with no base & expecting it to fill up
Thank you for your excellent video
Amen about the shame. No child should be a scapegoat and I respect every grown up with children who seeks out help. I have redirected some parents who asked for help to ressources that is even made free in Denmark -along with harder laws about domestic abuse and awareness about childrens rights. The intention is not shaming but Breaking generational traumas. Narcissim awareness Can be used to create a more peaceful World and better future for the children growing up. There are also coming even more free places for families to seek out for playing with/bonding to the kids and network for the parents to share about parenthood.
Thank you for your work and God bless you 🙂🙏💚🪷🦋🕊
A corvette, that they can’t afford.
I was asked to co-sign several times. Even love bombed and promised a romantic getaway.
I did not give in. He got the car, even tho his life/health is falling apart.
Opened my eyes enough to finally leave after 7+ years!
He needed a co-signer for a vehicle loan, yet could afford to take you on a great romantic getaway. Oh, okay. You were smart to avoid that pitfall.
When my son was an infant, I had to hold him and shield him from flying objects, during his mom's narcissistic rage.
What a horrific condition we had to deal with
I’ve always gone the route of “if you want attention, do something smart”. So I try to learn, learn, learn. Then when I want attention I try to teach someone something. I feel everyone has a better chance of “winning” this way. Everyone can walk away happy. At least that’s my hope.
I finally got over the anger of my narcissistic divorce. I was just tired of being angry at him. I would lash out of him by text and email, then once I got over my anger, I started being nice to him, which I think makes him even angrier 😂
I'm an abuse victim. I'm definitely not ashamed of it. I didn't do anything wrong.
I think it's great when people can talk about it. If people talk about it, people understand that type of abuse.
If more people would talk about it we would have less abuse.
My family silences it like it's shameful to speak out. They feel guilty, they feel shamed, they self medicate.
Let's not she victims. Let's celebrate survival of it.
They rage like freaking demons when you don't obey their delusional commands.
Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for revisiting narc rage. I need to revisit topics to keep my perspective in check.
I have minimized the tendency to self sooth via external validation by really leaning on understanding, knowing for myself and applying it in all of my interactions what is INNATE dignity and worth, it is not earned you had it the moment you took your first breath and it refuses to interact with control and manipulation tactics
Dr Ramani is so spot-on that she gets it right... literally word gor word... When giving example phrases that a narcissist would say in a situation... I swear there have been so many phrases that my narcissist EX said to me and she worr for word said the exact same thing in her example... one phrase she says in this video yhat hit home for me was about ho the narcissist thinks they shouldn't have to take an entry level position because they are better than that and worth more than that... My EX was always like that. He never kept a job, constantly quiting over the smallest things, but then wondered why no one would want to hire him. I have never seen him keep a job for more than 4-6 months and even that tome he was constantly complaining and calling out of work so there was still no money coming into the household even though he technically had a job. He thinks just about evwry normal job is beneath him. He thinks he has all this skill that is worth something... But his reality is that he did not even finish high school or eve or get a GED and he has had ko formal training, no qualifications of any kind... Yet he thinks he is entitled to a good paying job, nothing below $20-25 and hour, when in out area of the country people are lucky to make over $10 with special training or schooling
Rules or norms don't apply. If they don't want to work just call in for days then fake something to get a doctor's note.
Really feeling it for you including "and if YOU think you may be narcissistic" more often as a norm cause in today's world the narcissism is EVERYWHERE and this kind of approach normalises it being a thing instead of demonizing it. ❤
You have described this pattern well.The heart,a stich in time 😊
It's like they are allergic to consciousness... ❤
This 🙌
What can I say! Hurt people hurt people... I'm grateful that you're talking about it openly. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani.
Fascinating, makes sense. No more guilt, shame or fear.
My narc ex (YAY!) called his RageSplosions 'just venting' and tried to tell me he wasn't yelling at me. Sure felt directed at me. So, so glad I don't have to endure this any longer after 40 yrs of my devoted servitude he escalated to the point of making it quite easy to be done. Finally time for me to heal.😊
Mine would start a fight and I would stick up for myself as he raged louder. Then all the sudden he would grab the phone and call his family. He'd tell them all his side, and make me look bad. That confused me and made me angry. Like who does that ? I thought it was so odd. So glad I finally broke free.
I feel maybe practicing what u love to do will be a very good way to spend beautiful time with yourself and practice validation
Another way to cut back on validation seeking is help people who are less fortunate such as doing volunteer work.
Absolutely, I stand by that. Amidst my healing, and that included phases of being collapsed into myself, feeling destitute, self isolated, alone and paranoid, one of the most real experiences was working in a care home with adults with complex needs. That was real! I saw genuine joy, bonding, and happiness amongst those who have been classified as lacking capacity, almost never visited by their families, some really wealthy. And I was validated, alright. And had closure, and a big slice of the humble pie. And genuine tears, genuine compassion, I haven't looked at my situation or the abusers the same again.
Great advice. Making a neglected animal or people feel some comfort, warmth and joy (hopefully) is healing to my soul.
@@jenniferrivera9149 yes, helping animals would be good too.
Thank you Dr Durvasula
Excellent video
Dr Ramani you’re my hero.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I've been dealing with a textbook narcissist since 6:00am who will not stop screaming at me. This helps.
Please get help.
@@kellycampbell6826 I'm in the process, again. Thank you, Kelly.
❤❤oh my goodness so so true! If you turn off - you are amazing- lookout 👀! After nothing works to get the same level of validation from exhausted suppliers then they switch to victim! FEEDBACK is always interpreted as critical! Learned this lesson too late! 😢😀oh ty for explaining the rage and what they really hear! 😮
Every time I ask my mother to make her own choice, she feels offended and acts out, often bashing out on me that I am not helpful enough for her. I get she “expects” me to do everything for her, and giving her the power of choice is deceptive to her. She hates that.
"The self that is in service to The World"
Wow. This is spot on. The one I know pretends not to care what people think -- while being absolutely driven by attention-seeking, praise (whether deserved or not) and other affirmations of being "special." If they didn't do so much hurt and harm, I'd almost feel sorry for them.
It’s been 14 months since I was last victimized by my daughters rage. I’m learning who I am and what I want from life. I’m learning how to quiet the voices in my head that tell me I should do one thing or another. I’m allowing myself to just be. Thank you Dr. Ramani.❤️
My ex. learned to play guitar … he needs applause (he said…” I have success and „people love me“). He even told to my younger daughter that he will learn faster and better ( always in competition… even with our children 😫).
I freely gave him validation. Others did not so he tried to prove his worth. When that didn't work he refused to validate me. Telling me that I only wanted him to agree with me and that he just didn't agree with me.
Re: feedback -
“Please listen with your ears. Not with your fears,” was I phrase I included along with the ego fluffing in important discussions on difficult behavior.
That was before I realized that I was dealing with narcissists and enablers in my family.
Thank you for posting info that helped me take off my blinders.
Thank you for being so compassionate Dr. Ramani and addressing the narcissist directly because I do believe that many of them watch your channel, and I have hope that a few on the lower end can have the clarity or at least desperation not to be the most abusive type of person in the world
My sister’s husband displays many narcissistic behaviors and one of his ways to get validation from her is his habit when they get into bed at night to iterate everything he’s done that day and needs her to compliment, rave, adore, praise and express her overwhelming appreciation and amazement at his achievements and how lucky she is to have THE best husband who has ever walked this earth. Also, throughout the day, he will brag about all of his characteristics that make him a superior person and especially an outstanding husband. If he empties the dishwasher “for her”, he tells her to call me to tell me what he just did for her, so that I too can join in the adoration party. He often adds, “I’ll bet her husband doesn’t do that for her.” BTW, she doesn’t call me at that moment, but will vent her frustration at another time when we are talking on the phone.
Lord, I felt nauseated reading this. Your poor sister!
How long will she stay ? O my
Oh man! That would get old fast.
My mistake to agree to couples therapy. Because of my anger and rage at being a victim shows up in therapy and now I’m the one who is the problem for kicking him out of my home and not giving him a second chance… ugh!
Never have therapy with an abuser, it will always be twisted back on you and the session/therapist used by the narcissist for further abuse of you. Solo therapy only ❤
Dr Ramani - I love your ability to respect human realities and the struggles and limitations of normal every-day-life! It gives a certain kind of truthfullness to your messages, delivered with compassion, and creates a realistic base for positive change!
You are BOLD. The ending to that was just what I needed to get the tears out ! You are so thanked!!
This set of talks was just fabulous. Thank you so much.
Watching these videos has given me enormous insight and understanding as to why it feels like walking on eggshells around my wife’s mother. To watch a 83 year old woman fly into a no holds barred rage is truly terrifying and fascinating. Unhinged rage over the littlest of things. Her eyes, her foul language insults, if she had a gun during these rages, I believe I’d be dead riddled with bullets.
Rain falls on the just and unjust! Life happens 😊
The danger with all this, is that narcissists will call, scapegoats, who have genuinely been ganged up on and horribly abused the narcissist. I am very angry and trying desperately not be a victim, but my life was very deliberately damaged, I am trying not to say ruined because it's defeatist, but it wouldn't be hyperbole.
validation seeking behavior:
1. Complains constantly to get attn. His body hurts, he works harder than everyone and no one recognizes it, he needs sleep and rest, blahblahblah
2. Things he does around the house are loud and exaggerated so everyone hears him
3. Talks about himself non-stop. When I talk about something that doesnt relate to him, he brings the conversation right back to himself.
Thank you so much for helping all of us to identify and avoid any narcissistic tendencies that we may have. I could definitely use practice in becoming a better listener!
Dr Ramani spitting some deep facts!
I had thought I would go NC with my elderly mother after my father passed.
Then after learning from these videos I realized she was wounded from war and just can't trust.
Now, as her behavior is getting worse, even badgering my father while he is losing his memory, I find her hard to tolerate.
I am back at square one, nobody is going to step up. But, you know, she left her family of origin. A lot of the beliefs she pushed on me were NOT her WAY.
Anyone has experience with physical abuse from a narcissist? How did you heal from that? It's causing me so much anxiety on the daily
My 1st husband was only verbally abusive up until 8 years of marriage and then he decided to choke me until I blacked out. I have anxiety and PTSD (lots of stuff piled up and ended up resulting in this) even after leaving him 18 years ago. I'm finally getting counseling because I cannot see myself living like this for the rest of my life.
I am very sorry that you are having this experience, and I hope that you can find a solution!!! You need peace in your heart and mind! ❤🎉
@@cindyrhodes that must've been really hard💔 I'm glad you left him, and thank you for sharing your experience♥️
To heal from that?
1) Get away from them.
2) Find others who have gone through the same thing. You will find us on this chat if there's no one in your area.
3) Cut all ties with the narcissist. They will immediately love-bomb you to get you back in their clutches.
4) Go to the doctor and get the abuse documented.
5) This is not much comfort, but it is said that the emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse.
@@susanmercurio1060 thank you 😊 i actually i went through both physical and emotional abuse from the same person and he's my dad, I can't leave my house atm, so far he isn't reacting but when he comes back home anything could happen, so my brain is always preparing for the worst
@@auraliax1323 You're so welcome!!! All the best to you!!! 💐 🌹 🌸 🏵 🌼
I wish my egocentric spouse would watch this video. But then again he would deflect all this back on me! Yes he had an upbringing that was very difficult. But.... I tired of allowing to forgive him for the abuses brought on me through his unwillingness to see his faults and work on himself.
I didn't know it at the time, but in retrospect realize that I've been in several relationships (both platonic and romantic) with narcissists, and their constant attention seeking, be it in person or on social media, became exhausting. It's tough in this day and age of digital omnipresence, but am hoping to be more selective in the future and quicker to end toxic relationships. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
"Narcissism is an outside job." Yep.
Dr. Ramani today you sound like my pastor. I have looked inward and I must say this "sermon" has caused me to see my "sin" of self pity. I repent. 😅
Narcissism can't be unseen once a new awareness has developed... like a new layer of emotional behavior becomes visible to the observer both to him/her self and others around. Narcissists being blind to the whole thing it becomes amusing... like you can predict what they would say or react if you pointed it out.
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for creating this content! I am dealing with an employee with these exactly same characteristics that you described in the video. The rage outbursts, the aversion of the word "feedback", trying to dig for compliments, getting defensive about everything, not being accountable for their own behaviours and mistakes, and especially thinking that they're the victim on every occasion, lashing out when things are not the way that they expected. This video was enlightening and helpful to understand past behaviours. Your other video talking about narcissistic employees was also an eye-opener to protect myself against future problems.
Its nice to know that we are not alone in experiencing this type of abuse from these idiots, at times it can feel like we are the only one going through this abuse. Its nice to know we have a supportive channel to turn to , but its also daunting to know that there must be so many of these narcissists on the planet, which in itself is quite alarming. Thanks for your channel dr ramani x
Great episode Dr Ramani 🙂‼️❤️🩹🙏🏼I so needs to hear all this‼️❤️🩹🙏🏼🥰💕
Listening to someone, I can do and it helps so much.
Prayer Talking to a spiritual friend.
For the validation part, I can understand why it matters to them. It's more to know they have some kind of control. For me I've only been online since I was 18. As I finished out highschool I found a place online to fit with hence my name. Before then I had a very antisocial style to me. Not violent or anything but staying to myself and only having one.or two friends at a time throughout school or anywhere offline.
I feel like most people narcissistic or not are as regulated as their support systems in place can see them through in times of crisis. That's where we see where we stand anywhere on our own and/or with those we care about. Over the last 10 years I've lived alone in wv trying to carve my own way.
While finding a balance to it all however that works.
It's because of those long time online friends, that I'm here now learning more of this topic. And I'm able to reflect on myself more in this regard. I realized as a lot of those online friends started drifting away. I was only happy if they were happy. Been trying to fix that. Learning more of this and the topic of altruism has helped in this journey of self healing.
00:13 😭🤣🤣🤣 I love Dr. Ramini 😂❤