Start speaking a new language in 3 weeks with Babbel 🎉. Get up to 60% OFF your subscription ➡Here: go.babbel.com/t?bsc=1200m60-youtube-healthygamergg-aug-2023&btp=default&TH-cam&Influencer..healthygamergg..USA..TH-cam
Lolol that your sponsor feeds one of my self improvement addictions. You gotta pay the bills of course, and I'm not on that kick right now. But the irony is funny
I have noticed that I am addicted to self-improvement. of course! But the worst part is I judge people who do not want to push their boundaries and grow. I can't respect them because I can't respect myself in that state. Now I have started to see how life is just projections and introjection. You see the world the way you see yourself.
I didnt even realize this was a thing until this video and you put it into words what I was thinking. Especially about "I can't respect them because I can't respect myself in that state"
Also I feel your upbringing and wanting to avoid the mediocrity/non success/non comfortable aka struggle existence environment someone may have been raised under pushes them to not be like their caregivers, who they may have lost respect for as they mature and spiritually awaken to who they are and realize what they stand for and the standard/level of health and wellness a person wants for themselves, compared to the shit they came from.
@@joriankell1983maybe since there's some "pro" in the addiction that technically has some "benefits", but being addicted almost makes it hard to correctly judge the action by its pros and cons. Most of the time, while some addictions might have some form of "benefit" to the person, the cons outweigh it massively. But being addicted makes it hard to let go even after realizing those cons because there's that single "benefit." Like maybe there's plenty of psychological biases that are working against them.
@@joriankell1983As unimaginable it may seem, it is. Most people who are addicted to drugs are carrying unresolved traumas with them. Taking drugs can provide them with relief and help them to escape their memories of what has caused the trauma in the first place, their emotions, internal pain and suffering.
Addiction always affects cognition. It distorts it in a way that certain behaviors become "attractive", "beneficial", and most importantly "fun". There's a reason why junkies form a relationship with fellow junkies, and stay in that relationship no matter how abusive it is. They've come to love what hurts them to the point that the pain experienced is immediately forgotten and replaced by the fun their drugs provide.
There is a slight difference between "I need to perform in order to be liked by others" and "I need to perform in order to be *tolerated* by others" - for some people, improvement is not just a nice to have, but a demand that, if not met, results in punishment from others for not reaching a minimum level of performance.
This. My parents didn't give "conditional love", more like "conditional tolerance". Getting bullied until I started to just be physically stronger and smarter than the other kids didn't help remove this complex either.
This is so true. I've had friends who only knew how to give logical solutions and unsolicited advice towards their friends who were in emotional turmoil. Emotions are messy and does not mesh well with logic at all, which results in just upsetting the person even more.
That the worst advice you could possibly give someone. The amount of people believing that had risen almost exactly at the rate of suicide. That solution only works for women.
Back when I was addicted to self improvement, I told my partner that I didn't feel worthy of his love. It didn't help, because his love was conditional. I worked so hard for several years trying to improve myself until I was good enough for him, but it never worked. When I finally started growing out of my self-improvement addiction, we broke up. I think his perspective was that I was no longer ambitious enough for him. But that ambition I had absolutely crushed me and turned me into a shell of a person. From my perspective, I don't want to be with someone who only likes me when I'm miserable. I do not miss being addicted to self-improvement. I still pursue self-improvement, but not because I need to fix myself in order to be worthy of love and respect - but rather, just because I can.
Was in the same situation; it's rough because I started genuinely accepting how I felt and was opening up to be accepted, but was instead met with a lot of reactivity and unkindness. 'Encouraged' me to get therapy, fix my sleep schedule, 'sort myself out'. And that if I wanted/needed support/reassurance that was a flaw to fix. I'm glad I was able to understand that I didn't deserve that. That just because he treated me that way, doesn't mean that's what I deserved. I'm investing so much more time and energy into what I value now. Things are still hard, but there's so many lessons I got from that relationship, I owe it to myself to internalize them fully and give myself the life I've always wanted. An enormous one is that you don't have to work to be loved/deserving to be loved. You have inherent value, ironically I learnt this by loving my ex unconditionally and still do despite it hurting a lot lol. We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, it doesn't exist. We're imperfect *and* whole. Taking a step back to accept and love the being you happen to be, with all your flaws, takes off so much stress from yourself and allows you to move in the world guided by love and gratitude.
Self improvement helps a lot though hey? It sort of creates this compartment of evidences that you can return to whenever experiencing self doubt. That way you can remind yourself of the great deal of difficulty you once overcame. Hardwork is usually met with some degree of pain. And when you experience that hardwork related type of pain all other petty problems disappear. Its like at that moment all you're trying to do is survive the process of hardwork. The feeling is so real. For some it's the only thing we have.
Me personally I think it is an better advice to share it with yourself or God..ther universe..call it how you want than with others except the person you talk to is really really trustworthy but at the end you heal from inside and this is just your part or space
Had a coworker that everytime I felt like I was doing poorly he said I was being overly self critical and everytime I felt like I was doing a great job, he would point out every mistake I made.
I'm so much more addicted to work than things like video games. When I play games, even though I'm escaping and distracted, what I'm escaping is that constant feeling of needing to improve. So I'm relaxed, in a more natural flow state rather than fight-or-flight. Where at work, I feel like if I stop working without explicit permission from managers, I'm going to fail, I'm practically going to die. I'm addicted to TH-cam for similar reasons, because there's so much critical content and self-improvement content to watch nonstop (like this channel, ironically enough). Even content surrounding fun things like games is all highly critical, nowadays. And even when I try to do things I enjoy more like reading, I feel pressured to read self-help content rather than the sci-fi and fantasy I fell in love with as a child. It's hard to escape a lot of the time. It's funny, because if I were to go to any of the people in my family who know I'm stuck in life, they'd tell me it's because of the games or the other escapes I engage in. They'd direct me towards more self-help, more self-improvement, more working hard. I'm pretty sure they're where I got this obsession from, all things considered (OCD runs in the family). I'm waiting for the results of a recent psych evaluation to come in soon, and I'm kind of worried they'll use what we learn from that to push me even more, when pushing and burnout is my whole problem. But we'll see. I hope I can take this advice and relax. Find friends who accept me for who I am to hang out with, so I can escape that pressure from family. That sounds like it will help a lot. Thank you for making this video!
Oh man, I have never related more to anything before. Though our situations sound a lot alike, if you feel alone just know that someone out there feels the same way
I would recommend that you try regular meditation, 15-30 minutes every day. Put on some meditation music or a guided meditation video if you'd like and do everything you can to just relax, focus on your breathing, and try not to think about anything in particular. If you can shift your focus away from that constant need for improvement, you should be able to relax and not be as stressed. You need to give yourself permission to take a break and not do anything. If you work too hard all the time, you'll just get burned out. It's important to take breaks for your own health and well-being.
if i may, i think the self help content may be white noise to an extent because it is not your fault. related to the video, it seems like the problem is an emotional one (especially at work). you seem to be doing all that you can, but working as hard as it seems you do would probably lead to burnout, so i think it is maybe in the realization that you’re already doing the right thing, and regardless of what other people may say, the video games as a form of escapism can be an amazing tool to help you access flow state and a sense of peace, and that can extend beyond the games
This is fascinating. Years ago I said this exact statement, " I mentally bully myself into being great. It makes me miserable but it yields results." Here I am, 7 years later recovering from stress induced ulcers and hormone imbalances from adrenal fatigue 😅
your comment cut off at “7 years…” and for some reason my brain filled it out to be “7 years old”, proceeded by the thought “damn that’s a lot of introspection for a kid that young!”
Thank you for the comment. Maybe I need to lay low on the self improvement thing. I do feel miserable sometimes when things don't get done like I envision it to be.
Something that I tell myself before i go out and try to improve is. I don't try to talk to girls or workout or study SO that I can love myself. I do all those things BECAUSE I love myself. The unconditional love is there even when I have high expectations on myself.
Talking about your feelings with friends or loved ones is never something that ends well for me. Each time I tell people about what I'm feeling, I end up regretting it.
I prefer internet support groups usually, they can be hit or miss in some ways, but i look for ones that have members that regularly seek therapy so that I know they're getting perspective from somewhere else not just reinforcing their wallowing tendencies.
You are not alone in that. Men are not suppose to feel anything, and we are not suppose to complain, so airing our shames are just seen as just bitching and moaning.
Well, if you have been conditionally loved by your parents, then there is a huge chance that is the only kind of love you can perceive and surround yourself with. So your current friends and loved ones may (or may not) be wrong people to share your experiences with
I used to deal with social anxiety. Not because I was bullied, but because I thought I had to do a social performance in order to be liked enough to get friends. This is solved now, but sometimes when my stress levels are high I get a real bout of social anxiety again. My solution: be kinda annoying and imperfect towards my friends and housemates. They will not reject me, and give me the corrective experiences that provide evidence that I am enough for being me, rather than for how I am and what I do (:
Something similar has been bothering me for quite some time. I feel like I have to be charismatic, I have to say things and be the social butterfly that I'm not. It does everything worse. Being self-concious just made me weirder, more socially awkward and after every single conversation I have I start cringing and regretting what I said and what I didn't say. Feels bad man.
@@xxadriandiaz69xx6 That really sucks I look at it like I look at doing sports. During training you have the time to deconstruct your performance and practice. During an actual match, you will have to use those skills and habits you built during training. You don't have the time to re-do a particular segment 10 or 20 times over. You must perform *now*, and so there is very little sense in careful, comprehensive, and deliberate weighing of all of your options. They need to be (relatively) quick decisions and potential adaptations, which were practiced earlier And, whatever the results of your performance may be, you will have to accept them. If you weren't up for the task, you weren't up for the task. You cannot force yourself to be better if you're not good enough. All you can do is be the current you. And then reflect later on your mistakes, with a beginner mindset (i.e., non-judgment, and curiosity) All this is easier said than done. My trainer told me it takes a lot of practice to be present in the moment, and you'll need time+intentionality to get better. And when life preoccupies you with other stuff for awhile it can get worse too >.< And one other thing is that I find you can of course also just not be in the mood to be very socially energetic all the time. And that's okay too! Besides, when you've shown your friendly side a few times, people are likely to still like you even when you're in a less extraverted state of mind at times
When I meet new people I can usually be funny and kind and everything else you’re supposed to be. But it ends up feeling all surface level because it’s an uncomfortable mask, and I can’t maintain it. It feels like I’m just repeating what I always saw my mom doing whenever she hosted people at our house. Take care of everyone’s needs, be a gracious host, but keep everything surface level and don’t think about what you want. And now I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what friends are supposed to be. I go out to meetups and chat with people but I never keep in touch after. Even with friends from school I’m afraid to reach out because I agonize over who I’m supposed to be to them. I’ve been really struggling lately.
This. I really needed to hear this today. It's a game of whack-a-mole. I've been stumbling from one coping behaviour to another all my life, from starving, to running ultramarathons, to juggling 3 jobs and volunteering as an attempt to demonstrate my value to society, to compromising my boundaries to demonstrate "compassionate understanding" for someone who's done me dirty because I keep hoping to win back their love. It's exhausting to keep running away from facing up to just feeling my emotions.
I know a lot of people already say "holy crap a perfectly timed video when I was feeling bad", but... this was posted just 10 minutes after I realized that I was addicted to being productive. So, yes, HOLY CRAP A PERFECTLY TIMED VIDEO WHEN I WAS FEELING BAD
@@simpleserpent1337 it's probably linked to expecting something from yourself, and not feeling good enough, even when you accomplished so much or you have been really productive, it could bring a person to overdo, burnouts, stress, and ultimately if it's too much a person can break, and one can break in so many ways, beeing productive is a good thing, beeing addicted is never a great thing, and it can come with a price to pay, sooner or later.
I had this realization a couple weeks ago with my therapist and now I force myself to exclude my hobbies form the thought of ”I can monetize this” or ”I can use my free time only for following a career path” and now that I think of my hobbies as ”my own fun thing to do when I got nothing else to do” it has been a life changing angle to say the least.
I had been getting lost in the self-help and productivity rabbit hole for the past couple of months while dealing with my terrible breakup.I used self-help as a substitute, not allowing myself time to grieve or even cry. I was feeling so depressed that all I could do was binge-watch content. Eventually, I started to beat myself up and develop a toxic attitude. The addiction to self-help only increased my anxiety and left me feeling hopeless because it seemed like everyone else was thriving while I was the only one feeling sad and depressed. Luckily, I came across Dr. K's addiction videos, which really helped me understand why I was addicted to watching self-help content in the first place. I also started meditating, and now I'm able to pursue the things I truly wanted to do without wasting time scrolling through social media.Also gonna start therapy soon.Thank you, Dr. K, and this wonderful community. Much love❤
Self-development takes a long time...I've been working on myself for the last 4 years and just starting to build momentum with my goals and habits daily. We can't focus on results but the process and effort has to be the reward. Pushing through and delaying gratification is actually the reward. Change your perception and you can change your habits to be aligned with a better version of yourself.
I think there's a pendulum; you need to be able to enjoy the journey if you want to get better at something, you need to be able enjoy the present moment (as you are), and if you are addicted to self improvement for other people's sake, you need to shift that inwards.
Essentially: it is possible for grind/hustle/performance/productivity mindset to be a mask for insecurity regarding self-value and self-love ("I can only feel love if I reach this benchmark.") It never ends because that kind of 'love' is fundamentally and cyclically conditional and will look for the next benchmark to hit after the last. It's always in constant comparison to a standard it hasn't hit in the present and a fear of what happens when that standard isn't met. Breaking that cycle involves living with contentment despite those standards, internal and external acceptance, openness to emotional vulnerability and to curiosity and enjoyment of one's interests and joys of life.
I've always been addicted to working out and improving my physique and many people can agree that it's a good kind of addiction, but it still hinges on how you manage it in life. People treat going to the gym like a mental crutch where they use pain to numb emotional trauma and it's especially apparent in this generation. No addiction should consume your life regardless of its benefits.
Thats what im having right now im 22 and have a great physiq i have a sixpac since i was a child and im working out 6 times a week ppl in the gym are impressed by me give me compliments... but my inner voice says i need to get better i want to get bigger and i dont know how to calm that voice down bc clearly im already good enough but something keeps pushing me
Man, you hit the nail right on the head. I've found I can bounce between intense motivation and apathy. Sometimes I fear if I don't have a fire to run from all that will be left is apathy, and feeling nothing is much worse than feeling something bad. Your videos help to put what I feel into words and have helped me conceptualize my problems in a logical way. You are awesome!
I let go of the stress once. Pretty much stopped caring completely. I just figured I'd collect my inherited wealth, and split it between my mother and sister. Enjoy early retirement and then when the money ran out or I turn 35 I'd just off myself. Then I met my girlfriend who I cannot explain why she loves me and why her love is different, but it's set me into self-improvement overdrive for the last year. Far beyond what I've done in the past. I'm simultaneously more happy but also incredibly more miserable than any other time in my life. And my drive isn't necessarily about love. It's about proving society wrong. To prove that life isn't a guaranteed failure like I've been set up to believe. That I can stand on my own two feet with my own foundation and not need the sacrifice of another family member so that my future is secure.
Dr K, you'll never know how much your videos have helped me. I've tackled things like my teeth after watching your chat with asmon. Thanks for everything you and everyone at healthy gamer do!
I needed to hear this. I suffered a major burnout in my previous work because deep down I felt like I'm underperforming compared to someone else in the same company, even when my manager and CTO were praising me. I was shrugging it off as "they're just polite in the game of office politics". And now I'm an unemployed web developer who's chasing the job ads to see what's hot to focus on that, instead of learning what I'm actually excited to work with. So I was "I gotta learn Java", "I gotta learn Spring", "omg they need a degree for that now I gotta learn node.js", "is this a good enough project? I'll get ignored by anyone reading my resume. I need a better project". It feels like I'm trying to match the idea of what other people expect of me, even if I haven't even met them yet. So, instead of focusing on becoming great in my own terms, I end up trying to become good in their own terms. On the downside I literally have nobody to talk about it, and I assume more than half of the stuff I have to share will fly over my parents' head.
I had a milder version of this. I had insane ambitions but now that I have been on my healing journey for a while I suddenly feel content and happy as is. I still work towards great things but only the things I have a genuine interest in.
This is like the book "brave new world". Everyone worships happiness and hates doing good things because it makes them uncomfortable. You aren't supposed to just sit around and feel comfortable all day (Although you'll make a great cash cow to each new piece of technology so ig there's that)
This is so relatable, I always had a great relationship with my now deceased mother - may she rest in peace - but she would withdraw her love and attention from me the second I would not perform at school. I always felt like I had to be a good kid in her eyes to be deserving of her love.
Performing kid* Someone not making As each day not taking cursive and piano lessons does not make someone less of a good kid. What is not a good kid kid is the person that sits in class and unwarranted stabs someone with a pencil in the leg
Can you do a video about not having direction in life, being too comfortable in your current situation and difficulty achieving success? In my opinion, the opposite of self improvement addiction.
How to get over self-improvement addiction: step 1: share your emotional problems with a friend or SO. Why do you think I have a self-improvement addiction in the first place? Spoiler: it's not because I have too many friends
I was wondering about this same thing. I would like to share emotional issues with someone, but I don't currently have anyone in my life who I feel is emotionally intelligent / available enough to be the recipient of such a conversation. I did therapy for a while, but my insurance sucks, so I couldn't afford to continue going. It was a frustrating experience too --I wish there were more therapy approaches that are direct like Dr. K's style. I don't like being led in circles to reach a conclusion on my own. I would rather someone just give it to me straight so we can hash things out more efficiently and get to a solution / action plan.
I had a close friend kill himself, in his suicide note he wrote that he felt the same way. I'm not going to pretend that I understand your social situation, but I promise you, most people are good people and are far more willing than you think they are to sit and listen to you talk about your problems if you ask them. If any person that I've ever been friendly with in the past asked me if they could talk, I'd absolutely be down to try and help them.
Friends are like potted plants. You have to sow the seeds, water it, take care of it. Some friendships are easy to take care of: that means you have compatible personalities. Others are harder, sometimes impossible, especially if those people are natural a**holes. Finding yourself without friends just means you havnt taken the time or effort to take care of those plants. But that doesnt make you a bad gardener, just a very busy one.
Every time i look up advice it always says that as step 1 😂. As someone whos always stuck alone i try to read that step as "Journal, Meditate, Work on self love/self image". Because if you did have someone to talk to thats what they will be telling you anyway. Journaling will help if you feel a need to vent and have no outlet for it (alt. Art or hobby) Meditation and self care is to help with all the inner talk that keeps you depressed. The words we use can keep us down. So if you can learn to love yourself you will be much better off. Im still working on these things too. they do actually help. They never stop feeling silly but they do help after a while ❤
i have tried sharing things with my parents and the first thing that they always do is give me solutions solutions solutions. sometimes (or really, ALWAYS) i dont want a solution i just want to be heard.
My parents too only give me solutions, now I don't even feel anything if they are talking to me, I just smile and don't share anything because I know they won't listen, they don't want to or need to
my parents used to beat the hell out of me whenever i came to them with a problem... or when i got a grade of a minus or less... or when they felt bad about themselves. other than sports, that is, as they didn't really care about sports so for being avarage on sports there was no beating, just making fun of me. so for me a day with no random beating was considered a rarely good day... It took many many years to understand that I don't have to be number 1 in everything just to justify my existence. Upon discovering that I lost almost all motivation and I just kind of survive. luckily my childhood helped me develope many sets of skills that allow me to survive with very little work, as i am pretty good at that i do. and yet, at almost 50 it is very hard to find something to replace the over motivation that i had. i hope to find a solution as so far this channel is pretty accurate. as since i figured i am entitled to exist without being number 1 in everything, i am barely motivated enough to get out of bed, it may as well had been better being addicted to success. what I'm trying to say that it is quite risky giving up this addiction, with no substitute or skills to have a manageable life without it.
I swung the opposite direction and absolutely struggle with any kind of self-improvement or work. But society is so bloody obsessed with self-improvement that I always feel "outcast" in a sense because I refuse to play their game.
I don’t think I grew up learning that my value as a person is connected to my performance, but somewhere along the way I internalized that my safety definitely is. Guess I know what I’m discussing in therapy next week 🤯
The timing on this is absolutely perfect. I‘ve literally been thinking about this all day today because I noticed that I had somehow become more miserable mentally since I started doing self-improvement. I think this video really sums up well the vicious cycle of always needing to become better and destroying your mentality with that. It made me realize a lot of things, so thanks Doctor K.
I’m probably addicted to self-improvement. Yet, the fire it ignites in me is invigorating . I’ve come to live /with/ it instead of /for/ it. I do discuss when Im feeling uncomfortable, over worked, stretched out, with my partner. He’s also very quick to point out when Im pushing too hard. Pursuing control is a driving force for me. Even when I intentionally step out of my comfort zone, I see it as honing my ability to withstand discomfort. By cultivating this discipline, I gain the freedom to dictate my own actions. I crave power, prestige, responsibility, and the whirlwind of busyness. To balance this, I’ve set ambition boundaries, ensuring I can nurture personal relationships. I work for a company that does good for my local community. While some might question the healthiness of my approach, and sometimes I panic just as hard as I work, I feel fulfilled and content overall.
I used to discipline or beat myself up emotionally and no one knew from work and life stress, this caused daily headaches and an overall blender feeling, eventually, after too many years, I let it go. If I am to be disciplined, the world will let me know, I'm done telling myself where I need to improve, it was killing me. I let the world be my gauge now, if it's not coming at me directly, I'm probably fine and no need to ruminate about it, it's unhealthy.
Some of us literally have no one to talk to. I personally have no parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, or acquaintances. Totally alone. But I keep going because I continue to improve my health, wealth, and go deeper into spirituality.
Very good and yes I have been addicted to self-improvement. physically or emotionally. today I decided that's it... I am who I am. I can still grow but enough now. Not everyone can make me doubt of myself every time they don't like something or project their emotions on me.
The addiction I know I struggle w/ is being lazy & watching TH-cam. this struggle is mainly due to the amount of free time I have during this phase in my life. I was in the middle of a startup right b4 the pandemic and now continuing my passion project seems pointless @ times. sometimes I’m motivated but mostly I’m just a couch potato :/ I want to break free from this but I’m so tired of trying … im so mentally drained.
@@soulbeats135 thank you for replying. I really believe in the project I’m involved in. It’s truly a passion project. I also believe in myself, I believe I can do it. however, I know it will take time. about a year or two. and it’s in this moment, the time leading up to real progress is where I lose motivation.
@@partymarty6969 You might be focusing too much on the actual process of it, yes it may take a long time BUT think about the bigger picture. When it IS finished, you will be unbelievably proud of yourself by the end of it. Enjoy the process of making it knowing each piece of effort you're putting into this project is going into the final form.
@@ronan5642 thank you. yeah, when it comes to work, I tend to get so stuck in the future that I forget to appreciate the right now. I will remind myself to do this more often. thanks for your input 🤝
This is literally me. I decided to do a master's because I didn't like my job, and my manager was angry at me. I learned French because I felt like I had no skills, and I thought I was pretty good in English so why not learn a third language. But this has objectively improved my life. I'm going to do a master's in the UK with a fully-funded scholarship next month. I have recently passed my French DELF B1 exam. But I feel like enjoy doing them for the most part. Even though the motivation to start doing those things was negative emotions, but I decided to do something that I like.
My mind is absolutely blown after watching this. Wanna see a word wall? Proceed forward... Maybe someone will get something out of it. For almost a decade, I've always had this feeling like I've gotta make huge changes in my life asap, out of fear of being considered a failure or 'behind in life.' About 3 years into it, I began my first job, and I finally felt like I had a purpose in life. So I grinded, grinded, grinded. I pushed myself so hard to work, because then felt like I wasn't a failure anymore, or at least as much of one. I was doing something. I was justifying my existence. Any one mistake, and I immediately felt terrible about myself. But at least I kept most of it at bay, because I was doing something with my life. I worked two years, and it was eventually getting too toxic - and not necessarily by my own fault, that place was a mess. The whole thing repeated again once I had to get out from there, until another year later and the same kind of thing repeated again. Though it was better this time and I actually was genuinely happy. It was still a lot of beating myself up though for every little thing, though finally after three more years, I'm doing a lot better about it. And in less than twenty minutes, Dr. K summed up the whole problem I've been suffering for many years of my life. My drive needs to be curiosity, and not pain or fear. There is no 'failure' from not improving 'fast enough.' There cannot be curiosity amidst the heavy storm of pain, so the real way is to accept & heal in the here & now. Societal pressures to be at X point at Y age, those can burn in a large fire. Anyone worth anyone's time isn't going to be judgmental of you for not meeting the horribly-unrealistic standards of society. The real motive comes from within, and if I'm not feeling it some days, that's absolutely fine. I just can't let society's never-ending ideals take me under. Thanks for reading. I hope this provides some kind of insight for someone.
But there has to be other forms of emotional solutions. I don't have anyone I trust will actually care if I shared my emotional problems with them, and I don't trust that anyone will accept me without me doing a good job. What do I do? What has sort of worked for me is noticing this addiction, and pulling the plug on it. Like "Ok, I get that I'm feeling insecure about X. I will still not let that insecurity dictate what I do" then I try hard to bring my attention to the present (usually by breathing slowly and/or focusing on a single spot/sound). It has worked so far because, slowly, my brain is learning that even WITHOUT listening to these insecurities, nothing bad actually happens, so maybe I don't need them. Another one that worked pretty well is flipping the POV. Whenever I fail to excel, I imagine how I would think of a friend who failed in the same way. If I wouldn't judge him harshly, then it makes no sense to judge myself harshly either. I feel like if I open up to the wrong person and they shoot me down then that'll set me back so much.
Sometimes when I think of the possibility of failure I don’t worry about others loving me, all I do is want to be sure I’m using my resources to their fullest. I’m always told by people who know me it’s okay to not do something or to mess up, yet every time they do it feels worse that I may fail. When I talk about this to others normally this feeling gets worse, it’s not fear, it’s a strange purpose, I try to make life fun though, so thanks for the video it has some great things to note!
One interesting thing is that I have this “addiction”,but it’s not at all linked to my parents. I think it’s easy to generalize this, but it’s definitely not always the case.
So being addicted to self-improvement is only bad if it's for the wrong reasons. You don't wanna do it as a response to fear, you wanna do it because the addiction comes from satisfying your curiosity, witnessing yourself grow, and discovering new paths to exciting possibilities along the way and also accepting that none of that self fulfillment is required for you to be worthy of love.
Dr K really nailed this one, he basically summed up my entire life arc and professional career in 15 mins. I burned out pretty badly and realized I dont want to care anymore, and suddenly feel closer to my intrinsic creativity. It's been here the entire time but I was blind to it because of what I was chasing.
I have this idea where I need or want to be happy. I don’t want to experience sad situations so I try to find joy in various forms, which can work when I find something fun. But, then I burn myself out from over doing said fun thing, then begin to panic that I will lose this fun thing and experience something sad. So, I constantly try to force myself to enjoy something otherwise I’ll be bored or directionless. After watching this video, I realized that it’s exactly the best thing to do nor the most healthy thing. It’s best not to fear the fire. If something that’s supposed to be fun isn’t fun today, whatever, I can just chill. Find something else maybe. The world will not end if I’m not constantly enjoying myself in a moment when I should be happy or whatever.
Thank you for making this video. I have been struggling with issues that I haven't really been able to pinpoint over the good part of a year. I feel the need to never focus on a singular solution to a problem as there could be details that haven't been addressed yet, but I related so heavily to everything that you said. I don't feel like I am living the life that I want to but I have not been able to make any major changes for various reasons. I really wanted to believe that I can solve my problems and enjoy life more. My optimism was cut short by the sudden realisation that I didn't really want to change my ways. Like you said in the video, this insatiable thirst for improvement had led me to success, so why try and fix it? The mixture of relief and hope that I felt when you said that acknowledging insecurity would lead to more excitement and joy was unlike anything I have felt before. I have been feeling numb and I thought it could be connected to my Imposter Syndrome or could just be depression, but this video gives me hope that maybe my general numbness to the world can be reduced. Thank you for giving me hope that I can live and not just exist.
Thanks so much for making this video Dr K! This is literally what I go through everyday. I pick up new hobbies which are fun at first. Then I have the compulsion to do good at those hobbies and every waking moment becomes stressful and when I'm supposed to have fun with my hobbies, I feel burnt out. Hopefully I can learn how to navigate these urges from the video here.
Man you're describing me in this video. I was born with a congenital disorder that left me with a disfigured body, I grow up thinking that I'm inadequate, I should work in different areas of life and be on top of other people in these areas, in order to "compensate" my deficiency. I'm still not that successful person, but I managed to get accepted to med school in the best uni in my country, I'm close to get to a good aesthetic body and to be financial stable, a huge part of that is my disorder. Still I was never in a relationship, another reason for me grinding hard to be a successful person. BUT, I'm stil stuck in the "change" trap, still seeing my self unworthy for love and uncapable of being loved and also I feel resenftul for other people who didn't do nothing for their selfs but still do good with girls.
Reading all these comments made me realise, what you are teaching has much to do with age. Why grandparents would love unconditionally and how youngsters feel the need to be better than anyone. Other day I saw a little one (4+) telling his grandmother how she doesn't know anything, same feeling.
I've noticed this in many people and i could rarely relate to it, as i grew up in a very undemanding family. I've had the emotional freedom to pursue the things i care for in a tempo that suits me, perhaps it is objectively slower but at least i stay on the ride the whole way.
I'm Malery and I'm addicted to self-improvement. The opening line hit me hard. "The seed of addiction to improvement starts with conditional love." I knew I was in for it. Growing up I never felt like I was enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough. Now I'm 36 and have been riding a burnout for 6+ years.
There is no unconditional love. The people who think that are delusional and do meet the conditions of the other, so the delusion is protected and survives.
I used to think like that to the point that I hated seeing kids having fun. Then I realized that the meaning of conditional love is not allowing kids to be lazy but to be able to love them fully and to correct their behaviours. And let them know when they make a mistake, it’s not them who is at fault but their behaviour. The love remains intact. Changed my life.
Great video. I've long sensed that some of the body builder types, among others, try to frame reality in a way that weaves a comforting narrative to soothe their insecurities. They try to frame their gains as a sign of their worthiness, and annoyingly talk down to people who aren't gym nuts, because they're trying to convince themselves that this is an accomplishment that has given them their value. And in order for that to be the case, there has to be people who've accomplished less (even if those people don't see gym gains as an important accomplishment themselves). The same goes for the "I worked 80 hour weeks for 15 years to be a CEO" types and others.
I've been trying to improve myself for years. Getying fit, making more money, acquiring nice things. I didn't realize I have a fundamental selfworth problem that I have ignored for so long until recently. I've tried opening up about my bipolar and emotions to my friends and family. Unfortunately, they either did't understand it or perceived it as weakness and just told me to man up. I felt so heartbroken and isolated from everyone that I don't know why I'm still trying. It's easy to say 'find new friends' but I have reached the late adulthood and finding new friends is harder to do, let alone the ones that understand and accept who I am. I really appreciate Dr. K pointing out that addiction is hard to kick not because it's harmful but because it's helpful. When life goes hard on you and you have no support, it's way easier to find something that help you cope than toughing it out yourself; be it fitness, alcohol, weed, nicotine, or whatever
Alfred Adler (famous psychologist) said that inferiority is a part of being human- it is the natural motivation toward healthy striving when handled well. in other words - you don't have to eradicate the inferiority - just respond to it well - let it guide you in a healthy way. In other words, its ok to have a mild, functional self-improvement addiction :)
Oh my god thank you for this. I went throught the self improvement cycle myself until i met my girlfriend with whom i finally got to express all my emotions. That changed my life so much and i finally realized i have to talk about my emotions and i can't just fix everything myself by getting better at stuff.
Love is not unconditional. If it were, long relationships wouldn't fail. You have to be present in relationships. You make it sound as if persons who love the You who constantly improves will equally love the You who wants acceptance doing the opposite.
I was thinking about something somewhat related to this the other day. I'm a computer programmer and computer programming gets me high. I love writing code that solves problems. Just today, I had like a one-hour slice of time where I was just thinking about and working on the problem I was trying to solve and everything else melted away. I forgot all my problems for that hour and was basically in the "zone" (or maybe you could even call it a blissful state). I don't know if computer programming would rise to the level of addiction for me, but it definitely resonates with me very strongly. I'm lucky in that this "addiction" is well-rewarded by society. So I can't fault someone who is addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or whatever. They are unfortunate in that what gets them high is usually detrimental to them.
Is wanting to do as little as possible all the time an addiction? Whilst doing only enough to maintain, (ie work as little as possible to maintain a dwelling/reasonable health), have books, a hobby and partner/family. Also what is a recommended clinical resource on the science and socio-cultural constructs of addiction? The reason I ask is that while I do have certain aspirations, my primary goal is to basically work sequestered from daily interaction with the culture I find myself in. While still wanting to maintain the interests I have, doing this while distancing myself from the archetypes of 'achievement' and accolade. Sort of re-coding myself to not care for the pedestal
I really appreciate your approach. I also love how simple your video is. No dramatic music. No fancy editing. No cuts to illustration or fancy illustration. Keep at it man.
WOAH. This is the most profound video I’ve ever watched. didn’t realize this was me but I’ve never had a video speak to me so directly as this. Thank you for making free videos accessible to everyone Dr G!! You’re a god send!
I'm addicted to video games but i don't care. I don't really care because there isn't really anywhere in the real world where i seem welcome. People do value everyone based on performance, that counts even online. As soon as they don't need you, you don't matter to them at all. It isn't just parents its everyone.
Your name is "the saddest dude," so I think you do care... and I sincerely hope you're able to find good supportive people that help you feel welcomed and loved! There is a place for you. You are welcome somewhere.
The difficult thing about someone who feels like you do is that there's nothing that someone like me can say that can change your perception on this. I know this because I felt like you did before. You're waiting for the world to welcome you. You're looking to other people to see your value. You are worried about how you matter to them. If someone says that they welcome you, if someone says you are valuable, if someone says you matter, you aren't going to accept or believe it. I can tell you that you're valuable, regardless of performance. This is something I truly believe. But I don't think that you will likely feel that changes anything about how you feel. I think it's likely that you will not believe me, or if you even do believe me, it won't be what you really want to hear. I'm not going to tell you that people don't value you based on performance, or that other people don't think about you when they don't need you. I won't tell you that everyone is actually welcoming you. But what I will tell you is that as long as this is what you need, you'll be disappointed. On the other hand, you can welcome people, you can value people, you can let people matter to you. This won't get them to do the same back. In fact, often they won't acknowledge it, they won't necessarily accept it. They might just act like your welcoming, your valuing, your attention doesn't actually matter because they're so caught up in feeling like they need more. That they're not enough for the world to give them what it should, whether that's a problem with them not being enough, or whether that's a problem with the world not being good enough. But you will end up being a part of the world that is welcoming, that values people, for whom other people matter even when they're not needed. And then at least it's not 'everyone', it's everyone but one. And you might notice after looking at it this way for a bit, that there are a few more people like that. This won't get you adoration and wealth. It might piss some people off. But it's a thing that you can do because it needs to be done, it should be done, it can make other people feel welcome and valued, even if you didn't get that privilege yourself.
what i did was realize that even if nobody goes out of their way to explicitly welcome me with open arms everywhere i go, people also dont particularly mind me. this helped me with just showing up and acting like myself. and if i feel more comfortable, the other people around me feel more comfortable too. in fact, everyone wants to feel welcomed so i try to make anyone else feel welcome around me the way i would like to feel.
I've been dealing with this and healing and helping my partner heal in the past 1.5 almost 2 years now... the bond between us is soo close that I feel the most comfortable I've ever been... and although I've been going to therapy, I never knew that this was one of the biggest hurdles that me and especially her have been dealing with Thanks for the great content... this video not only better explains the improvements we've had by just meeting each other... but also helps us demystify this healing and go towards it with less repulsion.
Welp, instead of self improving I stagnate but the pushing my self into something which was work and studying kinda blew up in my face. Now I am basically fluttering, facing massive amounts of brain fog, and memory issues, depression, etc. The funny thing is that yeah I would talk about those insecurites about not lovable, imposter syndrome, etc but for some reason I can't ever hear the acceptance they give me, instead its just swept under the rug. Now I am just faced with the reality of failing and never being able to move forward. gg
Omg. That video was a slap on my face. I really do have it and I didn't know I had it. Thank you for shining a light on this. Everything is so clear now. Can you make another full video just talking about ways to deal with this? I do feel completely lost and afraid of failing when I don't have this kind of guidance. I'm shocked.
Some people want you to become the doormat for them. They make it seem like being a doormat is very grandiose. And they feel like that's the only way for you to attain love. Personally for me it's mainly because I can't relate to anyone because of my autism. It's like not running into that I either can become ridiculously toxic or very staunch on my value as an individual and stand my ground. When they step on me simply wanting me to be the doormat, I just become a haunted doormat and make them trip. Just so I can have some goddamn space.
I’m addicted to self improvement. But it’s not because of my parents. It’s because I had no friends in high school. I was very lonely and felt unwanted at a vulnerable age.
I kind of relate. Hope you're doing better now, everything is about balance. Self-Improvement is good but not when it makes you view your value as performance based. God bless.
Life of a simple Asian kid I guess.... *You do well in exams = Happy parents+love* *You do not so good=Mad parents+scold* *Be compared to other kids+especially the kids of your parent's friends*
When I was young my mother always called me fat. I remember once when I got dragged to her at work she said “you can’t go to that buffet across the parking lot unless you can do 10 push-ups” and for the longest I refused. When I got to the age of like 11, I started to get obsessed with working out. When I could do all these things I felt great about myself, but then it stopped being fulfilling. Mainly because I’d do it so excessively to the point that my joints and lower back hurt, and I was cutting on 1200 calories a day. Addictions stop when you hit a “rock bottom” when that addiction no longer gives off joy, but it’s still a hit to the ego to let go.
Excellent video, but it is a catch-22. The people we open up to are unconsciously primed to provide "conditional love only". The moment one gets vulnerable, people will rip them apart. So it starts with the self. Instead of looking for unconditional love, provide one. And if you are fortunate, it will ripple back to you.
Or you just hit a mid life crisis and realize you have to do way better than better. I thought finishing school, then university(trade) would all work out, like my parents said. But what worked for them doesn't apply anymore. I make 4x hourly what my parents did in the 80s and they had houses and property, I can't afford anything. Exercising and all the side stuff was easy to take up, and definitely has its purpose(motivation,confidence, energy,etc) but some things I feel like I'm not sure it's possible anymore.
I don't know if this solution will work for anyone like me who don't have a good support system/understanding loved ones. I have learn to internalise my emotions due to the fact everytime I shared how I felt, my feelings were being invalidated or being brushed aside. Case scenario: Me sharing and being vulnerable, the other party tells me I am just being sensitive or I will get over it, the topic of the conversation will be change to another topic. Now if I were to push on the convo and tell the other party how hurt they are making me feel(you know staying as vulnerable as I can), I will be accused of being selfish and it will always end up in an arguement. The end result in every scenario where I decide to be vulnerable, I end up being the bad guy here. I rather stay quiet.
Wow.. this video just resonated with me on so many levels.. I’ve always known that something was driving my love for self improvement and that it probably wasn’t coming from a positive place. After this video, it just makes so much sense. I am trying to fix my internal problems with external solutions. Thank you.
10:50 I Told someone I'm isolated and feeling lonely. They told me it was because I was a shitty kid, growing up. That I deserve it for being anxious, and hiding in my room. Not sure how that's supposed to help or make me feel better tbh. If anything, it validates my paranoia. Really running out of hope for myself, here :/
I really appreciated this one because it steps back and looks at the channel itself: this kind of content can be part of its own addiction, depending on how it fits into your life. Thank you!
I don't really mind being a virgin, it's more about the skin hunger and lack of that kind of emotional processing you can only do with another person. I actually realised what you said in the video by myself a couple months ago, but it's the "getting into a relationship" that is the hard part. On one side, I don't want to be desperate, but on the flip side, I need someone who I can get emotionally vulnerable with without it being unbearably uncomfortable for either side, which I can only imagine with a romantic partner. Plus there's this issue that a lot of your and other people's advice come from experience in the states, where the people are generally very open, friendly and welcoming, whereas in some other countries (namely the post-SSSR ones), people are much more careful around others and starting a convo on the street is essentially unimaginable, unless you are asking a general question, such as directions etc. As a solution to a small social circle, people often suggest getting some social hobbies or going out more, but if you are naturally not into group activities and like smaller group of familiar, likeminded people, that goes against the other narative of "being yourself" and "not wearing a mask". I mean, for me, any moderately big social setting is so hard for me that just going feels like putting on a mask. Anyone who can relate?
Depending on where you are in the states, it can be impossible to start a conversation on the street. If someone starts talking to me randomly on the street my defenses go way up... Because... It's usually someone who wants something from me. It doesn't need to be a group activity to help you find people. Art classes, language classes, etc might, or might not help you meet people, but you'll be pursuing your interest and people will be there.
I relate to everything here. The hardest part of this seems to be finding a hobby that I can enjoy with other people, because otherwise I have no reason to hang out with anyone aside from getting help with stuff.
This is a question Clarifying if the steps for exiting burnout are as follow 1- express emotions 2- experience unconditional acceptance and validation 3- cultivate self acceptance 4- slow down the hustle and performance grind 5- open room for curiosity and joy in your brian 6- foster a healthy compass and direction for fulfillment
I had and still have an unconditionally loving family and yet I'm as insecure as you can be... Perhaps my parents weren't confident themselves so I never learned how to.
Kinda same, but I think my insecurities comes from how other people treated me when growing up like making fun of and being excluded of everything, specially conversations. I am surprised I am not addicted to self improvement besides maybe overcome being shy
I used to be addicted to self improvement, and I was living like an actor everytime of my life, I had to be the funniest, the coolest and the smarter in the room, or at least look like it, I was obsess with social media and what others people think, I was living for what my parents wanted for me too, I studied mechanical engineering because it was what my father wanted. In the last two years I was focus on changing and found self love, so I became kind of a rebel and started “living life to the fullest”, I was always drinking and things like that, in this process I started letting me act poorly and I started don’t caring what people think. But now that I act like I’m not perfect I feel really bad about myself. I feel when people really know me They will not like me either Bea cause I’m a fake. I’m the same but without the comfort of impressing others (that I trick into thinking that I was great). I don’t even think I can do it if I try most of the times. It becomes really more difficult when you are not that popular anymore. What do I do to have motivation to do anything? I can’t even study like before. I don’t want to prove anything to anyone, and I wasn’t do it for myself either. So how?
Ohhhhhh boy but then you feel unlovable due to NOT having a partner (panromantic, had to hide my first crush in a homophobic household setting some bad precedents of bottling everything up, never had a chance to explore relationships) on TOP of all the self improvement addiction, and bruh I got no one to turn to but my therapist I only get to see once a month if I’m lucky 💀 In fact turning to self improvement is my way of avoiding loneliness/feeling unlovable. Strong single gal, it’s my only option, and if I can’t turn to myself when I’m struggling I’m weak. It just further reinforces the problem, clearly I’m not good enough for anyone so I have to work harder, make myself seen, be more successful/harder working to be worth anything without a partner. Wish there were some examples for those who don’t/can’t have a close partner
Relatable post (been 25 years and I've been repressed enough to not even want to try to date at this point, fun to juggle with my parents "introducing" me to random Indian girls now that I'm marriagable age) For me friends have helped a lot to fill that void - in high school I relied a bunch on non judgement discord servers to vent things out and feel OK, and college got me some amazing people to do it without being anonymous Do I still have emotional work to do? Absofreakinglutely, but I don't feel as unlovable as I did up until 21 after spending some time with others and then myself
I remember since I was young on my third birthday; my dad made this huge speech to my friends and family about how proud he was of me because I was the first generation born in his family in our country. He said he wanted me to become an even better Engineer than him. Later on I didn't do well in school so he said to me not to event try because I couldn't do anything. Nothing was good enough to earn his love. Coincidentally he got an NES for me as a birthday present with some videogames from a garage sale. It was my only solace and I even was able to do 2 pro careers and a coaching job in esports later in life.
I have a doubt with this one. I feel like this, as if my worth is defined by my achievements. But my parents were happy as long as I just passed and they told me so? But at the same time, I always felt I either do very well or I'm worthless, since 3rd/4th grade. What's wrong here?
I feel similarly. I think it’s not just your parents snd home life that defines your childhood. Like my parents were alright overall, but I was bullied a TON at school and nobody really did anything about it. That was my problem to solve in the eyes of adults I guess.
Other people can have this impact too. For me, I grew up in a gifted program - even though my parents were loving, approval from teachers was extremely conditional. Also, I think some of my friends' parents' attitudes rubbed off on me.
@@eingyi2500 I always felt my younger brother could get away with shit that would've gotten me smacked across the face, and I never felt accepted by my peers until like 8th or 9th grade, but I would not say they bullied me per se? I did feel some hostility, but it may just be me idk
This is THE VIDEO people need to hear since things got so "self improvement" centric during COVID. I find myself referencing it often in conversations and hope it goes viral. Thanks for making it , Doctor K!
The underlying intent is good, but a lot of people built their relationships on conditional support, and specific dynamics. If you're always the stoic supporting partner, changing the dynamic and requiring support, might very realistically change your partner's view of you. It might drive them away. It's like if you're partner is relying on you being rich and suddenly you're poor, or if they rely on you being beautiful and healthy and suddenly you're sick for life. A lot of relationships break because of this.
At times, this addiction makes you date peope who will reject you for who you are and reject when you speak about how you feel... hence keeping you in the loop. So you have to love yourself enough to say no more and walk away, to find someone with more none conditionnal love, more respect for who you are and more compassion - amazing video by the way and sooooo on timing for me! Like right about now!
This has been by far my favorite video of his so far. In an age where distraction is so prevalent, self improvement seems like the only way out but it can be consuming as well
I know you're still learning Spanish, but since that's an ad that might come up again, I'd like to correct you. It's "Estoy aprendiendo Español" > I am learning Spanish. What you said is "Aprendo Español", which means "I learn Spanish", but it is used as a short form response to a question such as " what are you doing? Que haces?" "Aprendo Español"
11:30 I can CONFIRM that this is true, because I've done it. I was emotionally exhausted and had such negative thoughts that I thought I would die if it continues 2 or 3 years more. At the begining I didnt know what I had to tell to my friend who was a girl. But I realised that I was hiding things and in a way, wasnt honest with myself too. All this exhausting state lasted 4 years, bad thoughts were not every second but every week and sometimes everyday (when there was a trigger). In the end, with the help of a therapist, he advised me to talk to the concerned people, which I did also with another one 2 weeks before where it worked. So I had this idea of "and what if it works one more time ?" I finally talked to her, told everything I needed to, she understood, didn"t judge and 1 hour later, at the end of the discussion every emotional pain was gone. No negative thoughts, no "negative" emotions anymore, all was gone. So yes, in this moment, I saw that she was accepting me anyway for who I was, for what I felt at this time. And that was the cure because since the beginning I had that doubt that I wasn't fully accepted by her. In fact, I wasn't accepting myself.
This is so funny because I always knew that the more "disciplined" a person is the more he is suffering inside. There is a reason that happiest couple are on the chubbier side and carefree side. This just proves me right.
This was a good message but, I wish I would’ve heard this when I was a kid. I’m in my 40s, and I think the “fire” that’s been chasing me is slowly going out, but, at this point, I’ve got bills and debt. A change of direction isn’t impossible, but definitely not easy.
Start speaking a new language in 3 weeks with Babbel 🎉. Get up to 60% OFF your subscription ➡Here: go.babbel.com/t?bsc=1200m60-youtube-healthygamergg-aug-2023&btp=default&TH-cam&Influencer..healthygamergg..USA..TH-cam
Lolol that your sponsor feeds one of my self improvement addictions. You gotta pay the bills of course, and I'm not on that kick right now. But the irony is funny
The accent!!! I can do it as my doc as a child was from India!!! 🤣😂. Great doctor too!
So me!!! Concur!! 😂😂 self improvement
"Estoy aprendiendo español" it's the correct translation for "i'm learning spanish"
Appreciated video. Why place non-adsense interrupting flow, like a TV commercial, rather than in full at very front/back/both?
I have noticed that I am addicted to self-improvement. of course! But the worst part is I judge people who do not want to push their boundaries and grow. I can't respect them because I can't respect myself in that state. Now I have started to see how life is just projections and introjection. You see the world the way you see yourself.
This is how i feel exactly.
I didnt even realize this was a thing until this video and you put it into words what I was thinking. Especially about "I can't respect them because I can't respect myself in that state"
True. I feel the same. But I suspect we are just jealous of how content they are, and seemingly at peace.
Also I feel your upbringing and wanting to avoid the mediocrity/non success/non comfortable aka struggle existence environment someone may have been raised under pushes them to not be like their caregivers, who they may have lost respect for as they mature and spiritually awaken to who they are and realize what they stand for and the standard/level of health and wellness a person wants for themselves, compared to the shit they came from.
Gg bro, I agree with you :)
"why are all addictions hard to kick? It's not because they're harmful, it's because they're helpful" accurate AF
How is heroin addiction helpful?
@@joriankell1983 I could argue it makes the individual escape from the reality, It's helpful in a way I guess
@@joriankell1983maybe since there's some "pro" in the addiction that technically has some "benefits", but being addicted almost makes it hard to correctly judge the action by its pros and cons. Most of the time, while some addictions might have some form of "benefit" to the person, the cons outweigh it massively. But being addicted makes it hard to let go even after realizing those cons because there's that single "benefit." Like maybe there's plenty of psychological biases that are working against them.
@@joriankell1983As unimaginable it may seem, it is. Most people who are addicted to drugs are carrying unresolved traumas with them. Taking drugs can provide them with relief and help them to escape their memories of what has caused the trauma in the first place, their emotions, internal pain and suffering.
Addiction always affects cognition. It distorts it in a way that certain behaviors become "attractive", "beneficial", and most importantly "fun". There's a reason why junkies form a relationship with fellow junkies, and stay in that relationship no matter how abusive it is. They've come to love what hurts them to the point that the pain experienced is immediately forgotten and replaced by the fun their drugs provide.
There is a slight difference between "I need to perform in order to be liked by others" and "I need to perform in order to be *tolerated* by others" - for some people, improvement is not just a nice to have, but a demand that, if not met, results in punishment from others for not reaching a minimum level of performance.
This. My parents didn't give "conditional love", more like "conditional tolerance". Getting bullied until I started to just be physically stronger and smarter than the other kids didn't help remove this complex either.
Hi, it me
Ok dude 😂
Yeah, like, my environment will bully me if I'm not performing well
Only really relevant if you're a child. Otherwise, get rid of those people from your life and find some others.
'Emotional problems require emotional solutions'. Truth delivered
This is so true. I've had friends who only knew how to give logical solutions and unsolicited advice towards their friends who were in emotional turmoil. Emotions are messy and does not mesh well with logic at all, which results in just upsetting the person even more.
That the worst advice you could possibly give someone. The amount of people believing that had risen almost exactly at the rate of suicide.
That solution only works for women.
Wrong. Truth delivered. See I can do it to
We need a t shirt of this phrase
If you are depressed just be happy. I don't see what is the problem with the logic of that statement
Back when I was addicted to self improvement, I told my partner that I didn't feel worthy of his love. It didn't help, because his love was conditional. I worked so hard for several years trying to improve myself until I was good enough for him, but it never worked.
When I finally started growing out of my self-improvement addiction, we broke up. I think his perspective was that I was no longer ambitious enough for him. But that ambition I had absolutely crushed me and turned me into a shell of a person. From my perspective, I don't want to be with someone who only likes me when I'm miserable.
I do not miss being addicted to self-improvement. I still pursue self-improvement, but not because I need to fix myself in order to be worthy of love and respect - but rather, just because I can.
Was in the same situation; it's rough because I started genuinely accepting how I felt and was opening up to be accepted, but was instead met with a lot of reactivity and unkindness. 'Encouraged' me to get therapy, fix my sleep schedule, 'sort myself out'.
And that if I wanted/needed support/reassurance that was a flaw to fix. I'm glad I was able to understand that I didn't deserve that. That just because he treated me that way, doesn't mean that's what I deserved. I'm investing so much more time and energy into what I value now. Things are still hard, but there's so many lessons I got from that relationship, I owe it to myself to internalize them fully and give myself the life I've always wanted.
An enormous one is that you don't have to work to be loved/deserving to be loved. You have inherent value, ironically I learnt this by loving my ex unconditionally and still do despite it hurting a lot lol. We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, it doesn't exist. We're imperfect *and* whole. Taking a step back to accept and love the being you happen to be, with all your flaws, takes off so much stress from yourself and allows you to move in the world guided by love and gratitude.
All relationships are at some level conditional. Y'all just weren't compatible probably
This hit different
Self improvement helps a lot though hey? It sort of creates this compartment of evidences that you can return to whenever experiencing self doubt. That way you can remind yourself of the great deal of difficulty you once overcame. Hardwork is usually met with some degree of pain. And when you experience that hardwork related type of pain all other petty problems disappear. Its like at that moment all you're trying to do is survive the process of hardwork. The feeling is so real. For some it's the only thing we have.
Me personally I think it is an better advice to share it with yourself or God..ther universe..call it how you want than with others except the person you talk to is really really trustworthy but at the end you heal from inside and this is just your part or space
Had a coworker that everytime I felt like I was doing poorly he said I was being overly self critical and everytime I felt like I was doing a great job, he would point out every mistake I made.
yeah it's probably the same kind of thing where you want to do the opposite of what people tell you
Was that helphul or harmful to you? Were you two close?
Don't listen to too many people, if you think they're winding you up then acknowledge it but try not to take any of it in.
Wait what does that meant?
lmao 💀
I'm so much more addicted to work than things like video games. When I play games, even though I'm escaping and distracted, what I'm escaping is that constant feeling of needing to improve. So I'm relaxed, in a more natural flow state rather than fight-or-flight. Where at work, I feel like if I stop working without explicit permission from managers, I'm going to fail, I'm practically going to die.
I'm addicted to TH-cam for similar reasons, because there's so much critical content and self-improvement content to watch nonstop (like this channel, ironically enough). Even content surrounding fun things like games is all highly critical, nowadays. And even when I try to do things I enjoy more like reading, I feel pressured to read self-help content rather than the sci-fi and fantasy I fell in love with as a child. It's hard to escape a lot of the time.
It's funny, because if I were to go to any of the people in my family who know I'm stuck in life, they'd tell me it's because of the games or the other escapes I engage in. They'd direct me towards more self-help, more self-improvement, more working hard. I'm pretty sure they're where I got this obsession from, all things considered (OCD runs in the family). I'm waiting for the results of a recent psych evaluation to come in soon, and I'm kind of worried they'll use what we learn from that to push me even more, when pushing and burnout is my whole problem. But we'll see.
I hope I can take this advice and relax. Find friends who accept me for who I am to hang out with, so I can escape that pressure from family. That sounds like it will help a lot. Thank you for making this video!
Oh man, I have never related more to anything before. Though our situations sound a lot alike, if you feel alone just know that someone out there feels the same way
I think your work behavior might be kinda unhealthy and you might burn out at some point...
I would recommend that you try regular meditation, 15-30 minutes every day. Put on some meditation music or a guided meditation video if you'd like and do everything you can to just relax, focus on your breathing, and try not to think about anything in particular.
If you can shift your focus away from that constant need for improvement, you should be able to relax and not be as stressed. You need to give yourself permission to take a break and not do anything. If you work too hard all the time, you'll just get burned out. It's important to take breaks for your own health and well-being.
if i may, i think the self help content may be white noise to an extent because it is not your fault. related to the video, it seems like the problem is an emotional one (especially at work). you seem to be doing all that you can, but working as hard as it seems you do would probably lead to burnout, so i think it is maybe in the realization that you’re already doing the right thing, and regardless of what other people may say, the video games as a form of escapism can be an amazing tool to help you access flow state and a sense of peace, and that can extend beyond the games
"I wish I had worked more hours for the boss." ... Said no one on their death bed, ever....not even once.
This is fascinating. Years ago I said this exact statement, " I mentally bully myself into being great. It makes me miserable but it yields results." Here I am, 7 years later recovering from stress induced ulcers and hormone imbalances from adrenal fatigue 😅
your comment cut off at “7 years…” and for some reason my brain filled it out to be “7 years old”, proceeded by the thought “damn that’s a lot of introspection for a kid that young!”
@TheFeriner BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I don't know why but that comment made me laugh so freaking hard
@@TheFeriner this is way too funny
😢
Thank you for the comment. Maybe I need to lay low on the self improvement thing. I do feel miserable sometimes when things don't get done like I envision it to be.
Something that I tell myself before i go out and try to improve is. I don't try to talk to girls or workout or study SO that I can love myself. I do all those things BECAUSE I love myself. The unconditional love is there even when I have high expectations on myself.
I do the same thing. Very cool!
Talking about your feelings with friends or loved ones is never something that ends well for me. Each time I tell people about what I'm feeling, I end up regretting it.
Doesn’t really fix anything and just stresses out the other person.
I prefer internet support groups usually, they can be hit or miss in some ways, but i look for ones that have members that regularly seek therapy so that I know they're getting perspective from somewhere else not just reinforcing their wallowing tendencies.
@JacksHouse420 Yes, and they will also use it against u.
You are not alone in that.
Men are not suppose to feel anything, and we are not suppose to complain, so airing our shames are just seen as just bitching and moaning.
Well, if you have been conditionally loved by your parents, then there is a huge chance that is the only kind of love you can perceive and surround yourself with. So your current friends and loved ones may (or may not) be wrong people to share your experiences with
I used to deal with social anxiety. Not because I was bullied, but because I thought I had to do a social performance in order to be liked enough to get friends. This is solved now, but sometimes when my stress levels are high I get a real bout of social anxiety again. My solution: be kinda annoying and imperfect towards my friends and housemates. They will not reject me, and give me the corrective experiences that provide evidence that I am enough for being me, rather than for how I am and what I do (:
Sounds like you need to win the friend lottery to keep the social anxiety at bay.
Something similar has been bothering me for quite some time. I feel like I have to be charismatic, I have to say things and be the social butterfly that I'm not. It does everything worse. Being self-concious just made me weirder, more socially awkward and after every single conversation I have I start cringing and regretting what I said and what I didn't say. Feels bad man.
@@xxadriandiaz69xx6 That really sucks
I look at it like I look at doing sports. During training you have the time to deconstruct your performance and practice. During an actual match, you will have to use those skills and habits you built during training. You don't have the time to re-do a particular segment 10 or 20 times over. You must perform *now*, and so there is very little sense in careful, comprehensive, and deliberate weighing of all of your options. They need to be (relatively) quick decisions and potential adaptations, which were practiced earlier
And, whatever the results of your performance may be, you will have to accept them. If you weren't up for the task, you weren't up for the task. You cannot force yourself to be better if you're not good enough. All you can do is be the current you. And then reflect later on your mistakes, with a beginner mindset (i.e., non-judgment, and curiosity)
All this is easier said than done. My trainer told me it takes a lot of practice to be present in the moment, and you'll need time+intentionality to get better. And when life preoccupies you with other stuff for awhile it can get worse too >.<
And one other thing is that I find you can of course also just not be in the mood to be very socially energetic all the time. And that's okay too! Besides, when you've shown your friendly side a few times, people are likely to still like you even when you're in a less extraverted state of mind at times
I’m in the same boat. My solution was drinking so I definitely need a better long term solution.
When I meet new people I can usually be funny and kind and everything else you’re supposed to be. But it ends up feeling all surface level because it’s an uncomfortable mask, and I can’t maintain it. It feels like I’m just repeating what I always saw my mom doing whenever she hosted people at our house. Take care of everyone’s needs, be a gracious host, but keep everything surface level and don’t think about what you want. And now I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what friends are supposed to be. I go out to meetups and chat with people but I never keep in touch after. Even with friends from school I’m afraid to reach out because I agonize over who I’m supposed to be to them. I’ve been really struggling lately.
This. I really needed to hear this today. It's a game of whack-a-mole. I've been stumbling from one coping behaviour to another all my life, from starving, to running ultramarathons, to juggling 3 jobs and volunteering as an attempt to demonstrate my value to society, to compromising my boundaries to demonstrate "compassionate understanding" for someone who's done me dirty because I keep hoping to win back their love. It's exhausting to keep running away from facing up to just feeling my emotions.
I know a lot of people already say "holy crap a perfectly timed video when I was feeling bad", but... this was posted just 10 minutes after I realized that I was addicted to being productive. So, yes, HOLY CRAP A PERFECTLY TIMED VIDEO WHEN I WAS FEELING BAD
How being addicted to being productive hurts you?
@@simpleserpent1337 it's probably linked to expecting something from yourself, and not feeling good enough, even when you accomplished so much or you have been really productive, it could bring a person to overdo, burnouts, stress, and ultimately if it's too much a person can break, and one can break in so many ways, beeing productive is a good thing, beeing addicted is never a great thing, and it can come with a price to pay, sooner or later.
@@Fabbro117 like body image issues? No matter how big you get, there’s always someone else out there who’s bigger than you.
You can say so with body building or, because they are working specifically to get some results, you can't say it with other body dysmorphias...
I had this realization a couple weeks ago with my therapist and now I force myself to exclude my hobbies form the thought of ”I can monetize this” or ”I can use my free time only for following a career path” and now that I think of my hobbies as ”my own fun thing to do when I got nothing else to do” it has been a life changing angle to say the least.
I had been getting lost in the self-help and productivity rabbit hole for the past couple of months while dealing with my terrible breakup.I used self-help as a substitute, not allowing myself time to grieve or even cry. I was feeling so depressed that all I could do was binge-watch content. Eventually, I started to beat myself up and develop a toxic attitude. The addiction to self-help only increased my anxiety and left me feeling hopeless because it seemed like everyone else was thriving while I was the only one feeling sad and depressed. Luckily, I came across Dr. K's addiction videos, which really helped me understand why I was addicted to watching self-help content in the first place. I also started meditating, and now I'm able to pursue the things I truly wanted to do without wasting time scrolling through social media.Also gonna start therapy soon.Thank you, Dr. K, and this wonderful community. Much love❤
Self-development takes a long time...I've been working on myself for the last 4 years and just starting to build momentum with my goals and habits daily. We can't focus on results but the process and effort has to be the reward. Pushing through and delaying gratification is actually the reward. Change your perception and you can change your habits to be aligned with a better version of yourself.
Best wishes on this tough road you're one. It's good you're this self reflective.
@@julielevesque2668 Good to hear you are making a process.Definitely it takes time.
@@r-type4945 Thanks for your words! :)
I think there's a pendulum; you need to be able to enjoy the journey if you want to get better at something, you need to be able enjoy the present moment (as you are), and if you are addicted to self improvement for other people's sake, you need to shift that inwards.
Essentially: it is possible for grind/hustle/performance/productivity mindset to be a mask for insecurity regarding self-value and self-love ("I can only feel love if I reach this benchmark.") It never ends because that kind of 'love' is fundamentally and cyclically conditional and will look for the next benchmark to hit after the last. It's always in constant comparison to a standard it hasn't hit in the present and a fear of what happens when that standard isn't met. Breaking that cycle involves living with contentment despite those standards, internal and external acceptance, openness to emotional vulnerability and to curiosity and enjoyment of one's interests and joys of life.
I've always been addicted to working out and improving my physique and many people can agree that it's a good kind of addiction, but it still hinges on how you manage it in life. People treat going to the gym like a mental crutch where they use pain to numb emotional trauma and it's especially apparent in this generation. No addiction should consume your life regardless of its benefits.
This is how I feel about David goggins. That guy needs to stop messing around, bite the bullet, and go to therapy.
@@anthonyhernandez4266I'm glad, I'm not the only one seen David like that.
@@anthonyhernandez4266 "They don't know me son!" But does he know himself...?
Thats what im having right now im 22 and have a great physiq i have a sixpac since i was a child and im working out 6 times a week ppl in the gym are impressed by me give me compliments... but my inner voice says i need to get better i want to get bigger and i dont know how to calm that voice down bc clearly im already good enough but something keeps pushing me
An addiction is an addiction, doesn't matter how "good" it is.
Man, you hit the nail right on the head. I've found I can bounce between intense motivation and apathy. Sometimes I fear if I don't have a fire to run from all that will be left is apathy, and feeling nothing is much worse than feeling something bad. Your videos help to put what I feel into words and have helped me conceptualize my problems in a logical way. You are awesome!
Omg this right here...
Not even 1 minute in, and we're throwing hands getting real 😂 Thank you for making these
I let go of the stress once. Pretty much stopped caring completely. I just figured I'd collect my inherited wealth, and split it between my mother and sister. Enjoy early retirement and then when the money ran out or I turn 35 I'd just off myself.
Then I met my girlfriend who I cannot explain why she loves me and why her love is different, but it's set me into self-improvement overdrive for the last year. Far beyond what I've done in the past. I'm simultaneously more happy but also incredibly more miserable than any other time in my life.
And my drive isn't necessarily about love. It's about proving society wrong. To prove that life isn't a guaranteed failure like I've been set up to believe. That I can stand on my own two feet with my own foundation and not need the sacrifice of another family member so that my future is secure.
Dr K, you'll never know how much your videos have helped me. I've tackled things like my teeth after watching your chat with asmon. Thanks for everything you and everyone at healthy gamer do!
I needed to hear this. I suffered a major burnout in my previous work because deep down I felt like I'm underperforming compared to someone else in the same company, even when my manager and CTO were praising me. I was shrugging it off as "they're just polite in the game of office politics". And now I'm an unemployed web developer who's chasing the job ads to see what's hot to focus on that, instead of learning what I'm actually excited to work with. So I was "I gotta learn Java", "I gotta learn Spring", "omg they need a degree for that now I gotta learn node.js", "is this a good enough project? I'll get ignored by anyone reading my resume. I need a better project". It feels like I'm trying to match the idea of what other people expect of me, even if I haven't even met them yet. So, instead of focusing on becoming great in my own terms, I end up trying to become good in their own terms.
On the downside I literally have nobody to talk about it, and I assume more than half of the stuff I have to share will fly over my parents' head.
I had a milder version of this. I had insane ambitions but now that I have been on my healing journey for a while I suddenly feel content and happy as is. I still work towards great things but only the things I have a genuine interest in.
Same thing for me.
This is like the book "brave new world". Everyone worships happiness and hates doing good things because it makes them uncomfortable.
You aren't supposed to just sit around and feel comfortable all day (Although you'll make a great cash cow to each new piece of technology so ig there's that)
This is so relatable, I always had a great relationship with my now deceased mother - may she rest in peace - but she would withdraw her love and attention from me the second I would not perform at school. I always felt like I had to be a good kid in her eyes to be deserving of her love.
Performing kid* Someone not making As each day not taking cursive and piano lessons does not make someone less of a good kid. What is not a good kid kid is the person that sits in class and unwarranted stabs someone with a pencil in the leg
Can you do a video about not having direction in life, being too comfortable in your current situation and difficulty achieving success?
In my opinion, the opposite of self improvement addiction.
Read mastery by Robert greene
great book.@@dmystfy
"Unconditional love" is not reality! Steal from or hurt someone who says that and quickly you will know the truth.
How to get over self-improvement addiction:
step 1: share your emotional problems with a friend or SO.
Why do you think I have a self-improvement addiction in the first place? Spoiler: it's not because I have too many friends
I was wondering about this same thing. I would like to share emotional issues with someone, but I don't currently have anyone in my life who I feel is emotionally intelligent / available enough to be the recipient of such a conversation. I did therapy for a while, but my insurance sucks, so I couldn't afford to continue going. It was a frustrating experience too --I wish there were more therapy approaches that are direct like Dr. K's style. I don't like being led in circles to reach a conclusion on my own. I would rather someone just give it to me straight so we can hash things out more efficiently and get to a solution / action plan.
yeah its so dumb like thats literally the proof im unlovable if i dont have anyone to tell that to
I had a close friend kill himself, in his suicide note he wrote that he felt the same way. I'm not going to pretend that I understand your social situation, but I promise you, most people are good people and are far more willing than you think they are to sit and listen to you talk about your problems if you ask them. If any person that I've ever been friendly with in the past asked me if they could talk, I'd absolutely be down to try and help them.
Friends are like potted plants. You have to sow the seeds, water it, take care of it. Some friendships are easy to take care of: that means you have compatible personalities. Others are harder, sometimes impossible, especially if those people are natural a**holes. Finding yourself without friends just means you havnt taken the time or effort to take care of those plants. But that doesnt make you a bad gardener, just a very busy one.
Every time i look up advice it always says that as step 1 😂. As someone whos always stuck alone i try to read that step as "Journal, Meditate, Work on self love/self image". Because if you did have someone to talk to thats what they will be telling you anyway.
Journaling will help if you feel a need to vent and have no outlet for it (alt. Art or hobby)
Meditation and self care is to help with all the inner talk that keeps you depressed. The words we use can keep us down. So if you can learn to love yourself you will be much better off.
Im still working on these things too. they do actually help. They never stop feeling silly but they do help after a while
❤
i have tried sharing things with my parents and the first thing that they always do is give me solutions solutions solutions. sometimes (or really, ALWAYS) i dont want a solution i just want to be heard.
Still looking for validation and approval?
@@rexaustin2885I think they just want to be understood.
My parents too only give me solutions, now I don't even feel anything if they are talking to me, I just smile and don't share anything because I know they won't listen, they don't want to or need to
my parents used to beat the hell out of me whenever i came to them with a problem... or when i got a grade of a minus or less... or when they felt bad about themselves. other than sports, that is, as they didn't really care about sports so for being avarage on sports there was no beating, just making fun of me. so for me a day with no random beating was considered a rarely good day... It took many many years to understand that I don't have to be number 1 in everything just to justify my existence. Upon discovering that I lost almost all motivation and I just kind of survive. luckily my childhood helped me develope many sets of skills that allow me to survive with very little work, as i am pretty good at that i do. and yet, at almost 50 it is very hard to find something to replace the over motivation that i had. i hope to find a solution as so far this channel is pretty accurate. as since i figured i am entitled to exist without being number 1 in everything, i am barely motivated enough to get out of bed, it may as well had been better being addicted to success. what I'm trying to say that it is quite risky giving up this addiction, with no substitute or skills to have a manageable life without it.
@@rexaustin2885well yes because parents have to
I swung the opposite direction and absolutely struggle with any kind of self-improvement or work. But society is so bloody obsessed with self-improvement that I always feel "outcast" in a sense because I refuse to play their game.
I don’t think I grew up learning that my value as a person is connected to my performance, but somewhere along the way I internalized that my safety definitely is. Guess I know what I’m discussing in therapy next week 🤯
The timing on this is absolutely perfect. I‘ve literally been thinking about this all day today because I noticed that I had somehow become more miserable mentally since I started doing self-improvement. I think this video really sums up well the vicious cycle of always needing to become better and destroying your mentality with that. It made me realize a lot of things, so thanks Doctor K.
I’m probably addicted to self-improvement. Yet, the fire it ignites in me is invigorating . I’ve come to live /with/ it instead of /for/ it. I do discuss when Im feeling uncomfortable, over worked, stretched out, with my partner. He’s also very quick to point out when Im pushing too hard. Pursuing control is a driving force for me. Even when I intentionally step out of my comfort zone, I see it as honing my ability to withstand discomfort. By cultivating this discipline, I gain the freedom to dictate my own actions. I crave power, prestige, responsibility, and the whirlwind of busyness. To balance this, I’ve set ambition boundaries, ensuring I can nurture personal relationships. I work for a company that does good for my local community. While some might question the healthiness of my approach, and sometimes I panic just as hard as I work, I feel fulfilled and content overall.
I used to discipline or beat myself up emotionally and no one knew from work and life stress, this caused daily headaches and an overall blender feeling, eventually, after too many years, I let it go. If I am to be disciplined, the world will let me know, I'm done telling myself where I need to improve, it was killing me. I let the world be my gauge now, if it's not coming at me directly, I'm probably fine and no need to ruminate about it, it's unhealthy.
based
Some of us literally have no one to talk to. I personally have no parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, or acquaintances. Totally alone. But I keep going because I continue to improve my health, wealth, and go deeper into spirituality.
Very good and yes I have been addicted to self-improvement. physically or emotionally. today I decided that's it... I am who I am. I can still grow but enough now. Not everyone can make me doubt of myself every time they don't like something or project their emotions on me.
The addiction I know I struggle w/ is being lazy & watching TH-cam. this struggle is mainly due to the amount of free time I have during this phase in my life. I was in the middle of a startup right b4 the pandemic and now continuing my passion project seems pointless @ times. sometimes I’m motivated but mostly I’m just a couch potato :/ I want to break free from this but I’m so tired of trying … im so mentally drained.
that sounds very cool! maybe try to look inward and start a new project that fits you (and also maybe is helpful for the environment ;))
@@soulbeats135 thank you for replying. I really believe in the project I’m involved in. It’s truly a passion project. I also believe in myself, I believe I can do it. however, I know it will take time. about a year or two. and it’s in this moment, the time leading up to real progress is where I lose motivation.
@@partymarty6969 You might be focusing too much on the actual process of it, yes it may take a long time BUT think about the bigger picture. When it IS finished, you will be unbelievably proud of yourself by the end of it. Enjoy the process of making it knowing each piece of effort you're putting into this project is going into the final form.
I'm having the exact same problem, and even if I have a reason to do something, I'd rather not
@@ronan5642 thank you. yeah, when it comes to work, I tend to get so stuck in the future that I forget to appreciate the right now. I will remind myself to do this more often. thanks for your input 🤝
This is literally me. I decided to do a master's because I didn't like my job, and my manager was angry at me. I learned French because I felt like I had no skills, and I thought I was pretty good in English so why not learn a third language. But this has objectively improved my life. I'm going to do a master's in the UK with a fully-funded scholarship next month. I have recently passed my French DELF B1 exam. But I feel like enjoy doing them for the most part. Even though the motivation to start doing those things was negative emotions, but I decided to do something that I like.
My mind is absolutely blown after watching this. Wanna see a word wall? Proceed forward... Maybe someone will get something out of it.
For almost a decade, I've always had this feeling like I've gotta make huge changes in my life asap, out of fear of being considered a failure or 'behind in life.' About 3 years into it, I began my first job, and I finally felt like I had a purpose in life. So I grinded, grinded, grinded. I pushed myself so hard to work, because then felt like I wasn't a failure anymore, or at least as much of one. I was doing something. I was justifying my existence. Any one mistake, and I immediately felt terrible about myself. But at least I kept most of it at bay, because I was doing something with my life.
I worked two years, and it was eventually getting too toxic - and not necessarily by my own fault, that place was a mess. The whole thing repeated again once I had to get out from there, until another year later and the same kind of thing repeated again. Though it was better this time and I actually was genuinely happy. It was still a lot of beating myself up though for every little thing, though finally after three more years, I'm doing a lot better about it.
And in less than twenty minutes, Dr. K summed up the whole problem I've been suffering for many years of my life. My drive needs to be curiosity, and not pain or fear. There is no 'failure' from not improving 'fast enough.' There cannot be curiosity amidst the heavy storm of pain, so the real way is to accept & heal in the here & now. Societal pressures to be at X point at Y age, those can burn in a large fire. Anyone worth anyone's time isn't going to be judgmental of you for not meeting the horribly-unrealistic standards of society. The real motive comes from within, and if I'm not feeling it some days, that's absolutely fine. I just can't let society's never-ending ideals take me under.
Thanks for reading. I hope this provides some kind of insight for someone.
But there has to be other forms of emotional solutions. I don't have anyone I trust will actually care if I shared my emotional problems with them, and I don't trust that anyone will accept me without me doing a good job. What do I do?
What has sort of worked for me is noticing this addiction, and pulling the plug on it. Like "Ok, I get that I'm feeling insecure about X. I will still not let that insecurity dictate what I do" then I try hard to bring my attention to the present (usually by breathing slowly and/or focusing on a single spot/sound). It has worked so far because, slowly, my brain is learning that even WITHOUT listening to these insecurities, nothing bad actually happens, so maybe I don't need them.
Another one that worked pretty well is flipping the POV. Whenever I fail to excel, I imagine how I would think of a friend who failed in the same way. If I wouldn't judge him harshly, then it makes no sense to judge myself harshly either.
I feel like if I open up to the wrong person and they shoot me down then that'll set me back so much.
yeah, this is where therapy can be helpful (if you have access to it).
Sometimes when I think of the possibility of failure I don’t worry about others loving me, all I do is want to be sure I’m using my resources to their fullest. I’m always told by people who know me it’s okay to not do something or to mess up, yet every time they do it feels worse that I may fail. When I talk about this to others normally this feeling gets worse, it’s not fear, it’s a strange purpose, I try to make life fun though, so thanks for the video it has some great things to note!
One interesting thing is that I have this “addiction”,but it’s not at all linked to my parents. I think it’s easy to generalize this, but it’s definitely not always the case.
So being addicted to self-improvement is only bad if it's for the wrong reasons. You don't wanna do it as a response to fear, you wanna do it because the addiction comes from satisfying your curiosity, witnessing yourself grow, and discovering new paths to exciting possibilities along the way and also accepting that none of that self fulfillment is required for you to be worthy of love.
Dr K really nailed this one, he basically summed up my entire life arc and professional career in 15 mins. I burned out pretty badly and realized I dont want to care anymore, and suddenly feel closer to my intrinsic creativity. It's been here the entire time but I was blind to it because of what I was chasing.
I have this idea where I need or want to be happy. I don’t want to experience sad situations so I try to find joy in various forms, which can work when I find something fun. But, then I burn myself out from over doing said fun thing, then begin to panic that I will lose this fun thing and experience something sad. So, I constantly try to force myself to enjoy something otherwise I’ll be bored or directionless.
After watching this video, I realized that it’s exactly the best thing to do nor the most healthy thing. It’s best not to fear the fire. If something that’s supposed to be fun isn’t fun today, whatever, I can just chill. Find something else maybe. The world will not end if I’m not constantly enjoying myself in a moment when I should be happy or whatever.
I lost it on the first sentence you said XD This is literally what my therapist been telling me all the time
Thank you for making this video. I have been struggling with issues that I haven't really been able to pinpoint over the good part of a year. I feel the need to never focus on a singular solution to a problem as there could be details that haven't been addressed yet, but I related so heavily to everything that you said. I don't feel like I am living the life that I want to but I have not been able to make any major changes for various reasons. I really wanted to believe that I can solve my problems and enjoy life more. My optimism was cut short by the sudden realisation that I didn't really want to change my ways. Like you said in the video, this insatiable thirst for improvement had led me to success, so why try and fix it? The mixture of relief and hope that I felt when you said that acknowledging insecurity would lead to more excitement and joy was unlike anything I have felt before. I have been feeling numb and I thought it could be connected to my Imposter Syndrome or could just be depression, but this video gives me hope that maybe my general numbness to the world can be reduced. Thank you for giving me hope that I can live and not just exist.
Thanks so much for making this video Dr K!
This is literally what I go through everyday. I pick up new hobbies which are fun at first. Then I have the compulsion to do good at those hobbies and every waking moment becomes stressful and when I'm supposed to have fun with my hobbies, I feel burnt out. Hopefully I can learn how to navigate these urges from the video here.
Man you're describing me in this video.
I was born with a congenital disorder that left me with a disfigured body, I grow up thinking that I'm inadequate, I should work in different areas of life and be on top of other people in these areas, in order to "compensate" my deficiency.
I'm still not that successful person, but I managed to get accepted to med school in the best uni in my country, I'm close to get to a good aesthetic body and to be financial stable, a huge part of that is my disorder. Still I was never in a relationship, another reason for me grinding hard to be a successful person.
BUT, I'm stil stuck in the "change" trap, still seeing my self unworthy for love and uncapable of being loved and also I feel resenftul for other people who didn't do nothing for their selfs but still do good with girls.
Reading all these comments made me realise, what you are teaching has much to do with age. Why grandparents would love unconditionally and how youngsters feel the need to be better than anyone.
Other day I saw a little one (4+) telling his grandmother how she doesn't know anything, same feeling.
I've noticed this in many people and i could rarely relate to it, as i grew up in a very undemanding family.
I've had the emotional freedom to pursue the things i care for in a tempo that suits me, perhaps it is objectively slower but at least i stay on the ride the whole way.
I'm Malery and I'm addicted to self-improvement. The opening line hit me hard. "The seed of addiction to improvement starts with conditional love." I knew I was in for it. Growing up I never felt like I was enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough. Now I'm 36 and have been riding a burnout for 6+ years.
There is no unconditional love. The people who think that are delusional and do meet the conditions of the other, so the delusion is protected and survives.
I used to think like that to the point that I hated seeing kids having fun. Then I realized that the meaning of conditional love is not allowing kids to be lazy but to be able to love them fully and to correct their behaviours. And let them know when they make a mistake, it’s not them who is at fault but their behaviour. The love remains intact. Changed my life.
Great video. I've long sensed that some of the body builder types, among others, try to frame reality in a way that weaves a comforting narrative to soothe their insecurities. They try to frame their gains as a sign of their worthiness, and annoyingly talk down to people who aren't gym nuts, because they're trying to convince themselves that this is an accomplishment that has given them their value. And in order for that to be the case, there has to be people who've accomplished less (even if those people don't see gym gains as an important accomplishment themselves). The same goes for the "I worked 80 hour weeks for 15 years to be a CEO" types and others.
Can you make a video about depersonalisation/derealisation?
Yes please!! That would be extremely informative. 😁
This
yes please
I thought he already did one on this?
@@niggasgang8784link? Didn't find with search.
I've been trying to improve myself for years. Getying fit, making more money, acquiring nice things. I didn't realize I have a fundamental selfworth problem that I have ignored for so long until recently. I've tried opening up about my bipolar and emotions to my friends and family. Unfortunately, they either did't understand it or perceived it as weakness and just told me to man up. I felt so heartbroken and isolated from everyone that I don't know why I'm still trying. It's easy to say 'find new friends' but I have reached the late adulthood and finding new friends is harder to do, let alone the ones that understand and accept who I am. I really appreciate Dr. K pointing out that addiction is hard to kick not because it's harmful but because it's helpful. When life goes hard on you and you have no support, it's way easier to find something that help you cope than toughing it out yourself; be it fitness, alcohol, weed, nicotine, or whatever
Alfred Adler (famous psychologist) said that inferiority is a part of being human- it is the natural motivation toward healthy striving when handled well. in other words - you don't have to eradicate the inferiority - just respond to it well - let it guide you in a healthy way. In other words, its ok to have a mild, functional self-improvement addiction :)
Oh my god thank you for this. I went throught the self improvement cycle myself until i met my girlfriend with whom i finally got to express all my emotions. That changed my life so much and i finally realized i have to talk about my emotions and i can't just fix everything myself by getting better at stuff.
Love is not unconditional. If it were, long relationships wouldn't fail. You have to be present in relationships.
You make it sound as if persons who love the You who constantly improves will equally love the You who wants acceptance doing the opposite.
I was thinking about something somewhat related to this the other day. I'm a computer programmer and computer programming gets me high. I love writing code that solves problems. Just today, I had like a one-hour slice of time where I was just thinking about and working on the problem I was trying to solve and everything else melted away. I forgot all my problems for that hour and was basically in the "zone" (or maybe you could even call it a blissful state).
I don't know if computer programming would rise to the level of addiction for me, but it definitely resonates with me very strongly. I'm lucky in that this "addiction" is well-rewarded by society. So I can't fault someone who is addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or whatever. They are unfortunate in that what gets them high is usually detrimental to them.
Is wanting to do as little as possible all the time an addiction? Whilst doing only enough to maintain, (ie work as little as possible to maintain a dwelling/reasonable health), have books, a hobby and partner/family. Also what is a recommended clinical resource on the science and socio-cultural constructs of addiction?
The reason I ask is that while I do have certain aspirations, my primary goal is to basically work sequestered from daily interaction with the culture I find myself in. While still wanting to maintain the interests I have, doing this while distancing myself from the archetypes of 'achievement' and accolade. Sort of re-coding myself to not care for the pedestal
I really appreciate your approach. I also love how simple your video is. No dramatic music. No fancy editing. No cuts to illustration or fancy illustration. Keep at it man.
That was the video that I need this part of my life, thanks Dr. K.
WOAH. This is the most profound video I’ve ever watched. didn’t realize this was me but I’ve never had a video speak to me so directly as this. Thank you for making free videos accessible to everyone Dr G!! You’re a god send!
I'm addicted to video games but i don't care. I don't really care because there isn't really anywhere in the real world where i seem welcome.
People do value everyone based on performance, that counts even online. As soon as they don't need you, you don't matter to them at all. It isn't just parents its everyone.
Your name is "the saddest dude," so I think you do care... and I sincerely hope you're able to find good supportive people that help you feel welcomed and loved! There is a place for you. You are welcome somewhere.
@@mtg6792 real
The difficult thing about someone who feels like you do is that there's nothing that someone like me can say that can change your perception on this. I know this because I felt like you did before. You're waiting for the world to welcome you. You're looking to other people to see your value. You are worried about how you matter to them. If someone says that they welcome you, if someone says you are valuable, if someone says you matter, you aren't going to accept or believe it. I can tell you that you're valuable, regardless of performance. This is something I truly believe. But I don't think that you will likely feel that changes anything about how you feel. I think it's likely that you will not believe me, or if you even do believe me, it won't be what you really want to hear.
I'm not going to tell you that people don't value you based on performance, or that other people don't think about you when they don't need you. I won't tell you that everyone is actually welcoming you. But what I will tell you is that as long as this is what you need, you'll be disappointed.
On the other hand, you can welcome people, you can value people, you can let people matter to you. This won't get them to do the same back. In fact, often they won't acknowledge it, they won't necessarily accept it. They might just act like your welcoming, your valuing, your attention doesn't actually matter because they're so caught up in feeling like they need more. That they're not enough for the world to give them what it should, whether that's a problem with them not being enough, or whether that's a problem with the world not being good enough.
But you will end up being a part of the world that is welcoming, that values people, for whom other people matter even when they're not needed. And then at least it's not 'everyone', it's everyone but one. And you might notice after looking at it this way for a bit, that there are a few more people like that.
This won't get you adoration and wealth. It might piss some people off. But it's a thing that you can do because it needs to be done, it should be done, it can make other people feel welcome and valued, even if you didn't get that privilege yourself.
what i did was realize that even if nobody goes out of their way to explicitly welcome me with open arms everywhere i go, people also dont particularly mind me. this helped me with just showing up and acting like myself. and if i feel more comfortable, the other people around me feel more comfortable too. in fact, everyone wants to feel welcomed so i try to make anyone else feel welcome around me the way i would like to feel.
@@zeidrichthorene real talk💎💯
I've been dealing with this and healing and helping my partner heal in the past 1.5 almost 2 years now... the bond between us is soo close that I feel the most comfortable I've ever been... and although I've been going to therapy, I never knew that this was one of the biggest hurdles that me and especially her have been dealing with
Thanks for the great content... this video not only better explains the improvements we've had by just meeting each other... but also helps us demystify this healing and go towards it with less repulsion.
Welp, instead of self improving I stagnate but the pushing my self into something which was work and studying kinda blew up in my face. Now I am basically fluttering, facing massive amounts of brain fog, and memory issues, depression, etc. The funny thing is that yeah I would talk about those insecurites about not lovable, imposter syndrome, etc but for some reason I can't ever hear the acceptance they give me, instead its just swept under the rug. Now I am just faced with the reality of failing and never being able to move forward. gg
Omg. That video was a slap on my face. I really do have it and I didn't know I had it. Thank you for shining a light on this. Everything is so clear now. Can you make another full video just talking about ways to deal with this? I do feel completely lost and afraid of failing when I don't have this kind of guidance. I'm shocked.
Some people want you to become the doormat for them. They make it seem like being a doormat is very grandiose. And they feel like that's the only way for you to attain love. Personally for me it's mainly because I can't relate to anyone because of my autism. It's like not running into that I either can become ridiculously toxic or very staunch on my value as an individual and stand my ground. When they step on me simply wanting me to be the doormat, I just become a haunted doormat and make them trip. Just so I can have some goddamn space.
I’m addicted to self improvement. But it’s not because of my parents. It’s because I had no friends in high school. I was very lonely and felt unwanted at a vulnerable age.
I kind of relate. Hope you're doing better now, everything is about balance. Self-Improvement is good but not when it makes you view your value as performance based. God bless.
Life of a simple Asian kid I guess....
*You do well in exams = Happy parents+love*
*You do not so good=Mad parents+scold*
*Be compared to other kids+especially the kids of your parent's friends*
EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
"Your cousin is doing so good why aren't you?"
When I was young my mother always called me fat. I remember once when I got dragged to her at work she said “you can’t go to that buffet across the parking lot unless you can do 10 push-ups” and for the longest I refused. When I got to the age of like 11, I started to get obsessed with working out. When I could do all these things I felt great about myself, but then it stopped being fulfilling. Mainly because I’d do it so excessively to the point that my joints and lower back hurt, and I was cutting on 1200 calories a day. Addictions stop when you hit a “rock bottom” when that addiction no longer gives off joy, but it’s still a hit to the ego to let go.
isn't everybody addicted to something if you really think about it.
Excellent video, but it is a catch-22. The people we open up to are unconsciously primed to provide "conditional love only". The moment one gets vulnerable, people will rip them apart. So it starts with the self. Instead of looking for unconditional love, provide one. And if you are fortunate, it will ripple back to you.
Or you just hit a mid life crisis and realize you have to do way better than better.
I thought finishing school, then university(trade) would all work out, like my parents said. But what worked for them doesn't apply anymore. I make 4x hourly what my parents did in the 80s and they had houses and property, I can't afford anything.
Exercising and all the side stuff was easy to take up, and definitely has its purpose(motivation,confidence, energy,etc) but some things I feel like I'm not sure it's possible anymore.
I don't know if this solution will work for anyone like me who don't have a good support system/understanding loved ones. I have learn to internalise my emotions due to the fact everytime I shared how I felt, my feelings were being invalidated or being brushed aside.
Case scenario: Me sharing and being vulnerable, the other party tells me I am just being sensitive or I will get over it, the topic of the conversation will be change to another topic.
Now if I were to push on the convo and tell the other party how hurt they are making me feel(you know staying as vulnerable as I can), I will be accused of being selfish and it will always end up in an arguement. The end result in every scenario where I decide to be vulnerable, I end up being the bad guy here. I rather stay quiet.
I want to see Dr K have a discussion with David Goggins on this
that would be a fascinating conversation
Wow.. this video just resonated with me on so many levels.. I’ve always known that something was driving my love for self improvement and that it probably wasn’t coming from a positive place. After this video, it just makes so much sense. I am trying to fix my internal problems with external solutions.
Thank you.
10:50 I Told someone I'm isolated and feeling lonely. They told me it was because I was a shitty kid, growing up. That I deserve it for being anxious, and hiding in my room. Not sure how that's supposed to help or make me feel better tbh. If anything, it validates my paranoia. Really running out of hope for myself, here :/
I don't know either, but I just hope you feel better and find an outlet. You deserve it, and if you win, we all win.
@@shoukaiser Thanks. I know I deserve it, too. But understanding that has never changed my situation.
I really appreciated this one because it steps back and looks at the channel itself: this kind of content can be part of its own addiction, depending on how it fits into your life. Thank you!
I don't really mind being a virgin, it's more about the skin hunger and lack of that kind of emotional processing you can only do with another person. I actually realised what you said in the video by myself a couple months ago, but it's the "getting into a relationship" that is the hard part. On one side, I don't want to be desperate, but on the flip side, I need someone who I can get emotionally vulnerable with without it being unbearably uncomfortable for either side, which I can only imagine with a romantic partner. Plus there's this issue that a lot of your and other people's advice come from experience in the states, where the people are generally very open, friendly and welcoming, whereas in some other countries (namely the post-SSSR ones), people are much more careful around others and starting a convo on the street is essentially unimaginable, unless you are asking a general question, such as directions etc. As a solution to a small social circle, people often suggest getting some social hobbies or going out more, but if you are naturally not into group activities and like smaller group of familiar, likeminded people, that goes against the other narative of "being yourself" and "not wearing a mask". I mean, for me, any moderately big social setting is so hard for me that just going feels like putting on a mask. Anyone who can relate?
Depending on where you are in the states, it can be impossible to start a conversation on the street.
If someone starts talking to me randomly on the street my defenses go way up... Because... It's usually someone who wants something from me.
It doesn't need to be a group activity to help you find people. Art classes, language classes, etc might, or might not help you meet people, but you'll be pursuing your interest and people will be there.
I relate to everything here. The hardest part of this seems to be finding a hobby that I can enjoy with other people, because otherwise I have no reason to hang out with anyone aside from getting help with stuff.
This is a question
Clarifying if the steps for exiting burnout are as follow
1- express emotions
2- experience unconditional acceptance and validation
3- cultivate self acceptance
4- slow down the hustle and performance grind
5- open room for curiosity and joy in your brian
6- foster a healthy compass and direction for fulfillment
I had and still have an unconditionally loving family and yet I'm as insecure as you can be... Perhaps my parents weren't confident themselves so I never learned how to.
Kinda same, but I think my insecurities comes from how other people treated me when growing up like making fun of and being excluded of everything, specially conversations. I am surprised I am not addicted to self improvement besides maybe overcome being shy
@@matheusimon7316this...
I used to be addicted to self improvement, and I was living like an actor everytime of my life, I had to be the funniest, the coolest and the smarter in the room, or at least look like it, I was obsess with social media and what others people think, I was living for what my parents wanted for me too, I studied mechanical engineering because it was what my father wanted. In the last two years I was focus on changing and found self love, so I became kind of a rebel and started “living life to the fullest”, I was always drinking and things like that, in this process I started letting me act poorly and I started don’t caring what people think. But now that I act like I’m not perfect I feel really bad about myself. I feel when people really know me They will not like me either Bea cause I’m a fake. I’m the same but without the comfort of impressing others (that I trick into thinking that I was great). I don’t even think I can do it if I try most of the times. It becomes really more difficult when you are not that popular anymore. What do I do to have motivation to do anything? I can’t even study like before. I don’t want to prove anything to anyone, and I wasn’t do it for myself either. So how?
im addicted to finding out what im addicted too
GOOD.
For me it's that I wanna be and do better which is very different from feeling like you have to as if you have to prove yourself.
Ohhhhhh boy but then you feel unlovable due to NOT having a partner (panromantic, had to hide my first crush in a homophobic household setting some bad precedents of bottling everything up, never had a chance to explore relationships) on TOP of all the self improvement addiction, and bruh I got no one to turn to but my therapist I only get to see once a month if I’m lucky 💀
In fact turning to self improvement is my way of avoiding loneliness/feeling unlovable. Strong single gal, it’s my only option, and if I can’t turn to myself when I’m struggling I’m weak. It just further reinforces the problem, clearly I’m not good enough for anyone so I have to work harder, make myself seen, be more successful/harder working to be worth anything without a partner. Wish there were some examples for those who don’t/can’t have a close partner
Relatable post (been 25 years and I've been repressed enough to not even want to try to date at this point, fun to juggle with my parents "introducing" me to random Indian girls now that I'm marriagable age)
For me friends have helped a lot to fill that void - in high school I relied a bunch on non judgement discord servers to vent things out and feel OK, and college got me some amazing people to do it without being anonymous
Do I still have emotional work to do? Absofreakinglutely, but I don't feel as unlovable as I did up until 21 after spending some time with others and then myself
I remember since I was young on my third birthday; my dad made this huge speech to my friends and family about how proud he was of me because I was the first generation born in his family in our country. He said he wanted me to become an even better Engineer than him. Later on I didn't do well in school so he said to me not to event try because I couldn't do anything. Nothing was good enough to earn his love. Coincidentally he got an NES for me as a birthday present with some videogames from a garage sale. It was my only solace and I even was able to do 2 pro careers and a coaching job in esports later in life.
I have a doubt with this one. I feel like this, as if my worth is defined by my achievements. But my parents were happy as long as I just passed and they told me so? But at the same time, I always felt I either do very well or I'm worthless, since 3rd/4th grade. What's wrong here?
I feel similarly. I think it’s not just your parents snd home life that defines your childhood. Like my parents were alright overall, but I was bullied a TON at school and nobody really did anything about it. That was my problem to solve in the eyes of adults I guess.
@@WASDLeftClick Huh, that's right too, I guess I must ponder more about this
Other people can have this impact too. For me, I grew up in a gifted program - even though my parents were loving, approval from teachers was extremely conditional. Also, I think some of my friends' parents' attitudes rubbed off on me.
Did you have a sibling that was treated unfairly compared to you? Were you bullied by peers?
@@eingyi2500 I always felt my younger brother could get away with shit that would've gotten me smacked across the face, and I never felt accepted by my peers until like 8th or 9th grade, but I would not say they bullied me per se? I did feel some hostility, but it may just be me idk
This is THE VIDEO people need to hear since things got so "self improvement" centric during COVID. I find myself referencing it often in conversations and hope it goes viral. Thanks for making it , Doctor K!
I love dr K he’s so sexy and smart and helpful
Had this problem for many years and finally feel like I’m breaking out of it. Truly the most miserable years of my life.
Hi everyone! :D
Hello
Squadd
Good evening.
The underlying intent is good, but a lot of people built their relationships on conditional support, and specific dynamics. If you're always the stoic supporting partner, changing the dynamic and requiring support, might very realistically change your partner's view of you. It might drive them away. It's like if you're partner is relying on you being rich and suddenly you're poor, or if they rely on you being beautiful and healthy and suddenly you're sick for life. A lot of relationships break because of this.
At times, this addiction makes you date peope who will reject you for who you are and reject when you speak about how you feel... hence keeping you in the loop. So you have to love yourself enough to say no more and walk away, to find someone with more none conditionnal love, more respect for who you are and more compassion - amazing video by the way and sooooo on timing for me! Like right about now!
This has been by far my favorite video of his so far. In an age where distraction is so prevalent, self improvement seems like the only way out but it can be consuming as well
I know you're still learning Spanish, but since that's an ad that might come up again, I'd like to correct you. It's "Estoy aprendiendo Español" > I am learning Spanish. What you said is "Aprendo Español", which means "I learn Spanish", but it is used as a short form response to a question such as " what are you doing? Que haces?" "Aprendo Español"
11:30 I can CONFIRM that this is true, because I've done it. I was emotionally exhausted and had such negative thoughts that I thought I would die if it continues 2 or 3 years more. At the begining I didnt know what I had to tell to my friend who was a girl. But I realised that I was hiding things and in a way, wasnt honest with myself too.
All this exhausting state lasted 4 years, bad thoughts were not every second but every week and sometimes everyday (when there was a trigger).
In the end, with the help of a therapist, he advised me to talk to the concerned people, which I did also with another one 2 weeks before where it worked. So I had this idea of "and what if it works one more time ?"
I finally talked to her, told everything I needed to, she understood, didn"t judge and 1 hour later, at the end of the discussion every emotional pain was gone. No negative thoughts, no "negative" emotions anymore, all was gone.
So yes, in this moment, I saw that she was accepting me anyway for who I was, for what I felt at this time. And that was the cure because since the beginning I had that doubt that I wasn't fully accepted by her. In fact, I wasn't accepting myself.
This is so funny because I always knew that the more "disciplined" a person is the more he is suffering inside. There is a reason that happiest couple are on the chubbier side and carefree side. This just proves me right.
This was a good message but, I wish I would’ve heard this when I was a kid. I’m in my 40s, and I think the “fire” that’s been chasing me is slowly going out, but, at this point, I’ve got bills and debt. A change of direction isn’t impossible, but definitely not easy.