"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." - Robin Williams
@@mr.raider744 I don't want to be seen as a loner with no friends tho. My current 'friends' aren't that nice either. They're not there for me when I need it. They always insult me but pass it off as a joke, I don't think they would like to see me get better. Idk tbh, maybe I should find new friends
"Ten years ago I met a man in his 70s on a train in Kerala. When I asked if he minded travelling alone he replied: "I'm not alone, I'm by myself." I always remember this when I'm eating out by myself or do anything without companions. It changes everything" I read this somewhere and I love it
I resonate with this . What was once depression and feeling sorry for myself , is now the opposite . I’m all alone at a young age , dad died when I was 13 , mom died 2 years ago . Now I get strength from them
"Those that follow the crowd go no further than the crowd those that walk alone are likely to end in places no one has ever seen before" - I'm pretty sure that quote sounds familiar
This has made me realize that I define "alone" and "by myself" as the same thing. Looking at "by myself" though, you can take it to have a more literal meaning. Just as I can be by you, roughly meaning I am beside you, being "by myself" can be seen as me being beside myself. This makes me no longer alone.
The tricky part is that good company isn't always happy company, or joyful. It's about respecting you. I prefer to sit with a friend who is going through terrible time and is not smiling at all, than to go with people who laugh all the time, but doesn't care about anyone, nor me, nor other of them.
@@raze956 i think he means that society frowns upon people who are independent/alone. Thus forcing people in relationships that they didn't want to begin with. Your job does this by having people get along with their co-workers. Forced "friendly" relationships finally reaching a boiling point in society (a.k.a get along with EVERY Single person at work or your fired)
@@alexlopez5800 It could also mean they don't feel a deeper connection with any of their friends. I felt that for the longest time until recently with a friend with whom I can share a ton more than I have ever done with anybody else. It's a blessing.
I had this phase as a 20-22 yr old where I felt NO connection to anyone. I was so lonely. I had been depressed and anxious to the point of madness almost, for years. The turning point was when I got this realization, and it became my motto: "If you can't be alone in the middle of a desert, hundreds of miles away from the closest human being and still be content - you will never find true meaning in social interactions". My point was that the motivation for befriending people and finding things in common with others can never come from a place of need, but must come from want. When you are FINE with being alone and you CHOOSE to be with other people, those interations will be meaningful. So it's OKAY to choose to sit by yourself for months or even a year - like I did, just to think, reflect, find the YOURSELF. When you start doing that your mental problems will diminish and your desire for interactions with others will come naturally and at YOUR terms. You can select which ones are worth spending time with, and if there's no good choices out there in the given moment, then solitude beats hanging with and trying to win the respect of a**holes every time! And as time goes by you will find maye a couple of people that actually care about you and that are a net positive to your life. Focus on them, and continue to be open for more relations of that type. As the years go by you will have a small but quality click of people around you that are always there, that understand and know the real you. It's worth a lot. Now I'm 36 and I don't have a hard time finding out anymore which ones are the good people when I'm in a new situation. I find friends anywhere and I keep the rotten ones out of my life. I spend a lot of time alone still and I enjoy it. I can not be coerced into anything. I have developed my own principles and standards. And I've never been more happy. The journey still continues though - there is no such thing as "done" with mental growth.
I feel like I'm on a similar path to what you described, but there are still times where I wonder if what I am doing is the "right" thing. Everything I have done in my life up til this point felt like a reaction to everything that has happened to me and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life that don't seem to fit and replace them with new pieces. I hope that makes sense. I am glad you were able to change your life around for the better. I have hope that things will be better and it's because of comments like yours and Dr. K's videos that push me to keep going, so thank you.
@@dff9477 Well put. I left out a lot of course. There's going to be setbacks. I burned myself out at 30, so I left my career for engineering studies. I finally crashed completely 2 yrs into the masters and had to throw all the old pieces that were dysfunctional out. Quit university and found a new career. It took 2-3 years. Life for sure is not always easy... Seems I burned out because there were still a lot of psychological problems buried in me from the past that made a reemergence because of stress. Unrealistic expectations, self-esteem issues etc. I had to go to therapy, take SSRI, review my entire person and reevaluate everything in my life to get out of this hole. I'm sure there will be a few more crunch points waiting for me later down the road. 😅
It seems like learning how to be okay in one state, even if you still prefer the alternative, can make you feel more free. Because now you have a choice.
Dr. K once again coming in clutch with content that addresses the "loneliness epidemic", all without the toxicity, shaming or vitriolic groupthink which blames entire groups of people for these issues.
That said, one has to admit how relevant it isn’t how Dr. K, without the slightest political knowledge or even intentionally, scientifically came to the conclusion that the oppression of speech, overly sensitiveness and entitlement, all very direct products of the mindset of a certain side of the political spectrum, are heavily to blame for the great crisis of mental illnesses the west is facing right now. It really says a lot. This shit is not even about sides or opinions anymore.
@@Eagervul hah. To be fair, I think he's saying that our environment sort of beats is down and makes us act more crappy and selfish. Not that people, or any one group of people, are inherently bad.
I've never been lonely, I have had a couple of friends but my main killer of loneliness has been having a dog they don't lie and love me unconditionally.
Pets are to needy, need to much attention. I never got anything for them, need to feed them , way to much stress on my mind, they deserve more attention then I can give.
People need human connection and are creating increasing amounts of challenges for themselves in cultivating it. Not about how many people you are surrounded by, it’s about how connected you feel to those people.
My whole childhood, my dad told me that if I have 1-2 CLOSE, REAL friends that you can really rely on and communicate with, then you should count yourself very, very lucky. I have two of those. I’m 33. So, I guess I’m doing pretty good. But, when I compare myself to some of my female friends/acquaintances it seems that their friendships are more intimate, their familial relationships are better/closer, and they are communicating daily with several other people about pretty much everything that’s on their mind. This makes my life seem devoid of connection and rather sad by contrast, because I spend most of my time alone when I’m not at work, and I’d rather consume content 99% of the time than call somebody. I’m trying to get over that comparison though.
@@bryanbryan6108 Hit the nail on the head. Same here, my friends whom I can count with 1 hand have other friends, 2 of em have a lot whom they have wholesome friendships with. It's hard to not suddenly be hit by the comparison whenever they tell stories about those friendships, and I think what's even more painful is how I feel like I need them more than they need me. They have more friends to hang with if I'm gone. Still getting over this comparison too
I live alone, work fully remote, and am in a new city. I fancied an adventure, and it's hard! I thought I made one new friend, but then we fell out pretty badly, and I blocked her. I went on a few dates, and had similarly bad luck. Strangely, as much as this period of my life is presenting me with very real emotional challenges, this video says things that I feel like I instinctively understand. It's essentially the age-old observation that a lot of life satisfaction comes down to the harmony you create within yourself.
I feel the same. I actually feel pretty content with my solitude. It’s just that every time I open social media and see my friends going out, my anxiety of “missing out” kicks in and that contentment fades away
I used to be sad about being lonely until I realized I don't actually enjoy being around other people that much. I prefer the company of my computer and fish
Thank you for recognizing the fact that relationships are becoming crappy. I've been trying to discuss this phenomena for a while now, but everybody I talk to respond with copium, accusing me of being negative. Then they go and step on the same rakes as I did, and repeat my exact words.
Because he changed the whole flow of mainstream mental health I'm sure many other new therapists probably get inspired by this guys approach and will surely apply similar approach
Atleast you can grow after a bad relationship. If you have been alone your entire life, you're 100 steps behind everybody else. Solitude can only be enjoyed if you atleast had the experience of being loved.
The only advantage to being lonely is it either teaches you to appreciate human companionship and therefore instills compassion and empathy for others and/or it teaches you that most people are shallow and dumb and therefore are not worth so much as one millisecond of one’s time! Either way it teaches you a lot about one’s fellow species!
@@Madchris8828 so true. I came across a comment section of people celebrating the deaths of thousands of civilians last month. I lost faith in humanity that day. If that is how people think I want nothing to do with them
Thanks for this, timing is perfect, I'm 45 and this hits me; I message people and they don't respond, live alone but relax with my dogs, feel alone then go out to bar, then feel more alone 😂, then go home and don't go out for ages, due to anxiety about it. However recently I've been enjoying my alone time, walking the dogs, enjoying gaming with random people not my original group that dont seem to contact anymore, enjoying reading, films, and being outdoors.i feel it's a more peaceful path and feel more content.
@@yooong-tvt I think it's more about not setting expectations from social events, or others, and enjoying just being present, basically giving less fuks in a positive way, just enjoy each day. This is a stackable buff for me, so it doesn't run out or expire. I do enjoy my own company and get exhausted being around others for too long. Female company is great but again not expectations etc leaves me able to just enjoy the process.
@@stucunningham1 i feel you, it just also feels like society is degrading, as with my own mind and stability, which makes it hard to realistically envision that it will get better, feels like time is running out
This video is such a reassurring video for me. I’ve just moved to another country and I was feeling lonely and was just in my room when I wasn’t at work, and suddenly all my insecurities and fears came out and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I didn’t know the word solitude and I couldn’t say it with words as well, but I felt it and did start to make some solitude activities during my day. I started working out, started to make a sleep schedule, a morning and night routine, reading books etc. and now that I’m doing all of these things I feel really good about myself and started to connect with other people a lot more and it feels easier. I’m thankful for Dr.K making these videos because I allways learn something new from them or/and about myself.
For me, I used to hang out with a group of friends and feel so alone. No blame on them but something didn’t click and at times I felt ignored. After that, I started eating lunch alone. At first, I was scared of the loneliness and panic that would set in when I was left alone with my thoughts. This is what kept me from leaving the group in the first place. But as time passed, I found peace in my solitude and I would listen to calming music as I ate lunch. It became “me time” in a way and I’m glad I made the decision to be alone but not lonely.
I like Dr K teaching us this kind of thinking where emotions aren’t just a binary good or bad thing, but that they all have their proper situations and function. This kind of nuance is much needed in our culture, thank you
Finally someone says some truth! I don't hate being alone, but it does get annoying that I'm looked down upon for being alone too much. 99% of my discomfort comes from the cognitive dissonance of thinking I should be "connecting" with people when we don't have common interests.
Agreed, feeling that expectation is a source of extreme discomfort. I am conscientious and value and respect other people. But the expectation of interacting with them to whatever degree is something I can't do as we often don't have common interests.
I've recently broke with my girlfriend. We planned our marriage for the next year. However she was incompatible with me. It hurts, but I started to appreciate again my loneliness. Edit: thank you all. I see that I'm not the only one in this situation. I wish you the best too
Thanks for sharing. Just got cheated on and blindsided by my partner of 5 years just before we were going to get engaged, and after I anchored us both losing our jobs in the pandemic and rebuilding. Learning to ride the waves of loneliness and explore the relationship I have with myself.
Sometimes we have to make decisions that we absolutely hate. Thinking about it is still going to suck in a few years. But know that feeling sad about it is not a bad thing. It shows how important this part of your life was for you. When by yourself don't be afraid to cry as well. If someone breaks up with their partner, what is better? To feel nothing about it, to not care, to see this as irrelevant? Or to actually feel emotions for it? Sure, the relationship doesn't exist any more. There is nothing between us and our ex any more. But a few years ago that was someone extremely important in our lives. I think it is important to respect both ourselves and our ex partners after a relationship ends. So that the next relationship bear fruits. I think it is so much worse for someone to not feel anything about a previous relationship. That would mean we didn't learn anything from the past.
I absolutely agree with that. To be honest, I was always raised being extroverted and socializing. My family literally was sitting with me at the dinner table telling me that being alone is the worst which could ever happen to me and that I need to be like others want me to be to have a place in life with many friends and contacts. I needed a place in my very own flat first to recognize that something like solitude does even excist. And it changed so much for me. Before, I was under intense pressure and always on the run pleasing others. Now I have some real, deep contacts with a few friends and here and there someone deep minded joins my solitude life while sitting in a park or at a café and it just feels right and I have more energy and more skills in socializing than I had before. The weird thing is, people still ask me in a worried manner if I would be okay and if I even have friends.... That's so strange 😳
THANK YOU for validating that people suck more these days. I was last single/fell in love in 2015 (before Trump was even taken seriously, before the heat waves and wildfire smoke every summer, etc). And I’ve realized dating now, it’s not just that I’m 8 years older, but the general vibe of people is that we are all more burnt out and inconsiderate… it’s been hard to find someone as emotionally available and positive as the person I was with. And to be fair I’m way more jaded too and exhausted than I was back then. :(
You'll get worn out of being jaded and maybe end up in the middle somewhere. I'm early 40s and stopped expecting very much from very many people and life is great
I absolutely loved this distinction between Loneliness and Solitude. I also noticed this within myself - I’ve been integrating a daily walk in my routine - so basically, Solitude. My mood is now better than before, and I struggle with depression. Thank you!
@@Furiac. I am sure there are. I recommend reading a paper copy of an interesting book to you, as well. As a practice of Solitude. I am still new to this. So other than a daily walk and reading books, I would love to hear other people’s ideas. How should we practice Solitude better in our day to day?
@@jake9854 That is not true for all girls, we are not a monolith, lol 😉 I am a girl and I absolutely LOVE spending time on my own. I know my other girlfriends do too. My problem is that I like spending time on my own TOO much. I need to put in effort in socialising.
Admittedly I haven't talked to many therapists, but I think very few have your level of cultural connection to my, let's say, generation. It is fascinating how you casually brought up AITA type subreddits, social media activity around the israel-palestine situation and the comic with the pink blob that so many of us know. Because from that I can tell that you experienced those in the same situations we have and really understand and explain the psychology around it accurately. There's older people with great wisdom and great understanding of human psychology, but if they've never scrolled on facebook for more than an hour, don't have an instagram account and haven't even heard of reddit, they won't really get that side of you. It's like they're standing ten meters away trying to explain to you how to build a table, while you're right next to me and I can just tell what you're pointing at and why.
Finally, someone says what I experience and think. People constantly urge me to socialize more even though I explain it is something I find highly discomforting and when I need it I'll go out to the grocery store and I'm fine. Even mental health professionals have insisted that I have to be more social and don't understand how much enjoyment I experience in solitude.
Next time my mom tells me I need to "go out into the world", I'm going to send her this. (For reference, I'm a 28 years old autistic female, and after years of having been "out in the world" and suffering severe burnout as a consequence, I'm now quite content on my own, thankyou.)
Love this! I just graduated college which means I went from having people around me constantly with things to do and absolutely no time to myself to unemployed, alone, and under stimulated in a way. It took me a while to appreciate that I finally achieved the alone time I craved in college and started making my alone time intentional.
A couple months back I had my house to myself for about a week and during that time I just played games and watched videos with little to no interaction with anyone and had a great time. A couple months after this I started college, not knowing anyone and having some brief interaction with others and I felt awful and lonely. This video has put these two events that seemed so contradictory in my head into context.
I kicked my sister out a couple weeks before COVID lockdowns started (she is easily one of the worst people I know, it was for the best). The first few months of completely being alone (we went full-remote almost immediately) were great. By the end of 2020 I'd functionally dropped out of university, missed two weeks of work, and did nothing but eat and binge Twin Peaks on Netflix. It was, at the time, the lowest point of my life. It was miserable, I don't *want* this and I just can't imagine that changing; if it came down to a choice between doing *that* for the next 40 years and not existing anymore, well, that's not a hard choice. I *wish* being alone and content was just a switch I could flip, but it's not, because I'm not alone, I'm there *with me* and I *hate* that guy.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm literally the enemy in my life. I'm hypercritical of everything I do, think, and feel. I try to remind myself not to live in the past, but it's all I think about since I don't have anything going on socially. I do miss my family and memories. And I appreciate the time spent. Mixed emotions of gratitude hatred for self, constant doubt, and discussed for being vulnerable. I'm attractive though so that's cool 😆
As a 16 yr old who has literally been lonely my entire life, having 0 friends and having only my parents and advertisements on my contacts list. I see this as an absolute win.
@@iiCounted-op5jx Well, I’m an introvert so it’s kinda easy, but I do feel very lonely at times. I don’t have a particular way to cope with it I just let it be. Many might say to just make one, but I live in a place that’s not really easy and it’s hard to find non toxic people these days.
@@iwantedtobethatanomaly2270Thank you. But I never mentioned that I’m looking for a friend or anything so there’s nothing to give up for me. It’s not something I’m failing to look for a friend it’s more like I can’t.
Im 15 and this is so real. Having friends means having to give attention. Not that its a bad thing, having friends is a beautiful thing, but when you dont, there's no pressure to constantly be with someone to keep a connection, which means there's more time to focus on YOURSELF. I think most teens my age r so afraid to just be with themselves, so they barely have any time to reflect on, or work on themselves.
I think a lot of people are afraid to be alone, but at the same time afraid open up to others and show their true selves. And I have the feeling that because of that, they're stuck in shallow "friendships" with a lot of smalltalk and they can't talk about how they feel with these people. And then they have to pretend to be happy in public, so that's harder than being alone, I think so anyway. When I feel bad by myself, I can try to find an activity to cheer myself up, find inspiration from a youtube video, laugh at a funny meme I can relate to. If you feel bad in a group that doesn't understand why you feel bad, the group may very well make you think your feelings and thoughts aren't valid and add insult to injury. So it's good to live in solitude for at least a while, I think, to be the captain of your own life.
Okay, I’ll give this a shot too. I corrected my sleep schedule 3 days ago by following that lecture, and now I’m consistently rising by 6am. It’s great! I always want to be surrounded by people, but when I get the chance, I lie and front around them, and it truly sucks. I don’t tell massive lies to them, but I embellish certain things about myself so that they’ll like me☹️, or I’ll focus on one aspect of myself for too long. So I will try solitude. Engage in more time spent just being with myself without distraction. Going on walks not solely for exercise, but for enjoyment and pleasure.
Thank you for this information. I’ve been by myself for around 5 years now and also struggle with depression and anxiety. It’s heart renching being this alone but all of my social interactions are horrible.
I was just overloading myself with highly arousing TH-cam content when I decided to listen to your talk. Thanks for your wise words. I often think that I’m lonely and forget that it’s by choice. Thanks for reminding me how much I enjoy my simple daily routine. Preparing my tasty breakfast, straightening out the house, etc., all the simple solitary things I do for myself. Chasing after social interaction can be quite counterproductive.
I'm not sure. I kinda feel like loneliness is something that should bother me more but it doesn't. I'm actually really comfortable with my own company. I value my alone time because people, even people I care about, can be a worse drag than an irritating stranger. I don't have to send an irritating stranger a birthday card and they wouldn't give me s!!! for not doing so. Me having ADHD **might** have something to do with this. “My solitude doesn’t depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche.
I feel this way too -- I wonder if I shouldn't be worried about how little I care. Also, let's do look to Nietzsche for mental health advice. However, perhaps let's not look at surface-level interpretations of his works for any reason, because frankly, that's doing a disservice to all of humanity. Nietzsche's brand of nihilism is no closer to "give up and lie down, it's all pointless anyways" than Aurelius' stoicism is to "bottle up all your emotions inside yourself and never let even the smallest squeak out into the world."
The thing is that you can't rely on people. They are unreliable. They are always making big plan, like a get together, and when the times come, they bail. Their words mean nothing anymore. I am the kind of person that is more "my words are my bond", if I say that I will be there, then I will, however don't expect that from 95% of the people out there.
this video came up to me in a perfect timing. i have a lot of solitude (when i used to be so lonely) and when i try to socialize i get frustrated because people are weird and they do suck more then they used to, exactly as you said. most of people 19-20s are so distant and addicted to a virtual device, more selfish and careless, apathetic. so i get frustrated and go back to my own world, which is peaceful and filled with things i enjoy doing once i’m focusing in myself and my future. to me, that was the key. thank you for this video! your content is really helpful and valuable.
Thank you so much for eloquently describing my journey over the past 10 years of distancing myself from toxic connections and embracing my solitude to find peace and comfort. ❤
It’s very reaffirming and interesting how you put into words the realization I’ve come too recently. Prioritizing my own solitude has done nothing but improve my overall happiness and self esteem.
I am 24 and have never had a girlfriend. I don't feel sex deprived and I feel like I am doing okayish emotionally wise but sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have a romantic partner. Thing is, I am so used to doing everything on my own that I legit cannot see reality when a huge part of my life revolves around somebody. I understand that you should still have a life of your own while being in a relationship but if you don't share a significant part of your life, is there even a point in being in the relationship? I need to make a space in my every day life for that other person but at the same time until I actually meet that other person the space I made will just make my life more empty and you have no gurantee that you will actually meet that person. It feels like taking a huge gamble. Idk maybe it's just because of my lack of dating experience but I feel like I am stuck in a catch 22 kind of situation. I feel like a lot of the content aimed at single people tries to almost say "being single is objectively better than being in a relationship". While for me it's more of a "Sometimes it sucks but it is what it is"
You know you've met a person worthy of that compromise when it takes no concideration to make the compromise. They are rare, but stay open for the possibility. One day you might meet that person that you just want to be with and then you will gladly sacrifice your time in exchange for the deepest possible connection.
@@oskjan1I kinda get that but how do you meet that person without making the compromise first? That's what I meant by it feeling like taking a gamble. I really don't wanna come off as if I'm complaining. It's just the conclusion I got to with my thought process and I grew to accept it but tbh I kinda hope I got something wrong about it
@@panlis6243 I'm in a similar place in life, I'm 32 I've had a handful of relationships, marriage and divorce. I don't have the best answer for you, but I think to meet the kind of person you want, you have to constantly doing things that reflect those characteristics. For example, have you considered doing community service, volunteer work, visiting and helping with orphanage, taking mission trips on your own expense to help people in poverty? I think many of us want a kind hearted, empathetic, giving, nurturing, partners who are not materialistic, narcissistic, and abusive, but where are people like that and what are they doing? I'm not saying that its guaranteed that you will find someone, but think about it, if you meet a girl in the gym wearing booty shorts and is constantly on social media, partying, indulging and consuming vs a girl during a mission trip to the slums of India to help give medicine to the poor or volunteering at your local homeless shelter, where do you think you'll have better success? I think too many people are willing to cope living lives of indulgence (TV, video games, isolated hobbies) and hoping something lands on theirs laps vs doing service and meeting people through acts that take characteristics they desire in a partner if that makes sense. I hope this gave any clarity.
@@panlis6243 I'm not sure how you think meeting people works that you think you have to make a "compromise" and prepare a "hole in your life" for it to be possible... I met my former long term partner through a shared hobby and my current one at a social event through mutual friends. "Work on yourself and then just put yourself out there" isn't some sort of "thing you just say", it's literally how it works.
A relationship isn’t 50/50, it should be 100/100. I give you 100% of everything I can possibly give and you give 100% as well. If you don’t feel this way, then you’re just not ready for committed relationships. Sadly, everyone wants the fast track love without putting in the work on themselves, which is why relationships today are total shit and amazing relationships are so rare. Instant gratification is such a huge problem in this day and age 🤷♂️
In middle school, my parents started homeschooling me. I lived in a rural area so there weren't any social spaces within walking distance. At first it was extremely lonely, so lonely that I became severely depressed for most of my middle school years. These feelings came from my toxic family situation, my preoccupied friends, and my inability to go anywhere myself. Believe me, I tried to reach out, but I had an average of maybe 3-4 sleepovers each year... eventually I stopped trying. But.... I also eventually tried to get help from within myself, instead of others (which had failed so many times before). I finally found my solitude, and it was nice. I stopped trying to appease others. I actively avoided family interactions. I just vibed with myself and genuinely enjoyed my own company. My depression went from crushing, to just an afterthought. It's been taken away from me now, the solitude, as I'm in a much smaller house now. Interactions are inevitable and my family doesn't understand privacy or time alone.... I would give anything to get my solitude back. Cherish yours. You don't know if it will get taken from you.
The narcissism afoot in the world is unbearable. I prefer solitude. Reading books, thinking about what I re 18:04 ad, really connecting to the author. Having the opportunity to see how another mind is working on a problem that I've thought about, is just wonderful. Can you get that from a person in the flesh? Can you even have an actual meaningful conversation?
Dude, you hit my nail right on the head. I've recently started coming to peace with my loneliness. I look at all my peers who have families and all I can think is mo' people mo' problems. I avoid a lot of drama and stress because it's just me. I enjoy social interaction, and sometimes I notice I need it like thirst and hunger, but I'm mostly at peace with being alone. It's nice.
I find it amazing how much of human nature is completely counter-intuitive yet very, very simple, and it always seems to come back to choosing your perspective on things. Ya can't always change your life, but you can always change the lens of how you perceive it.
I think the best way Dr. K put it once was, "Humans aren't conditioned for happiness. They're conditioned for survival." For instance, we're never satisfied with what we have, because if we were, then we wouldn't try to improve our situation, which would hamper our ability to survive and produce offspring. Human nature is natural, and nature is cruel.
You could find yourself caught up in a situation with somebody who is incredibly manipulative or abusive… and they might not show that at first!! Boundaries are essential even in a close relationship… relationships are difficult and take a lot of work, even when they are healthy!! Take care of yourself and love yourself first… then go from there ❤ Thanks Dr K!
Thanks! This video has really helped me tremendously and was a breath of fresh air 😊. Thank you so much for making this video and I see you are almost at 2.00 million subscribers!!
We're social creatures and everyone deserves to feel connectedness and loved, but also if you're lonely and don't have connections or love in your life, you should embrace it. Not going to lie, I get mixed signals with this advice, and the more I hear it, the more it FEELS like lonely people are just being gatekept from social connection.
When you have any neurodivergence people will go out of their way at times to treat you less than, they detect you are different and try to exploit it.
@TheJazzy7 indeed, such is the human condition. If we where inherently good and cooperative and not driven by status and power, we wouldn't have a loneliness epidemic, unemployment, income inequality, homelessness, the motivation of material gain. But in essence, we do not care about everyone if anything, it's only the small tribe we spend our time with. We are tools to be exploited for each others gains nothing else and nothing more.
In the wise words of Relient k, “loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused, because I spent my solitude with you.” As a kid, I was devastatingly lonely; as a burned out full-time student, single parent, etc., I guard my precious solitude fiercely or dearly pay the price of overextending myself or taking what little time I have to be home with my kid, at peace and something resembling rest.
You just explained so much going on in my life. I'm not gonna post the novel I originally wrote here, but just know that this has me really working through some stuff. Thanks.
I feel you man. I just recently discovered this channel and it's helped me put things into perspective a little better. I've realized I'm very mentally unwell but now I know I'm not the only one.
Meditation has helped me to choose alone time for myself. I have a greater appreciation for the magic that life has. The other day I was walking and a two year old turned towards me and waved and verbally said hi! I felt so human and loved !
that was brilliant! makes me remember and value the joy of solitude. also explains why dating apps made me feel lonely - constantly trying to connect but feeling alone - ugh! so glad to be done with them.
That quadrant of low/high arousal positive/negative emotions is brilliant. It explains why in the past where I carefully curated my alone time reading books or playing selected videogames/watching selected movies or sports games and avoided most social media and empty browsing it was much easier to socialise and it was me who calmed down all the stressed people around...
About a year ago I moved to the countryside where nobody in my social circle lives and almost completely disengaged from social media. Whenever I talk to people about it it sounds like they're expecting me to be completely distressed about it but truth is I've never been more serene in my life. I used to have frequent bouts of crippling anxiety but now I hardly even feel stress anymore. It's weird but somehow it seems to work
@@kajiko88 yeah but I work in manufacturing so it's pretty doable in my case to live in the sticks and commute to the suburbs and industrial neighborhoods. I have to admit it probably wouldn't be as easy for more service or office-oriented workers.
I totally get this. Earlier this year i realized the value of peaceful solitude. Seems every1 i know is defined by their issues. Cant hold a conversation without ppl getting really upset about their jobs, family, personal stuff etc. So i decided to with draw. I go to parks and even the movies alone. It used to bother me but now i can just chill. I plan to get a dog or 2 just so i can take them to the beach. Plenty of ppl like to talk to dog owners. I find nature to be an amazing companion too ❤
Over the years, I learned to Absolutely LOVE being alone. Its peace and its a sanctuary. I have loving friends, a loving partner and parents. But even with all of that, the only person I can always confide in and count on is myself. If you can make yourself your best friend, you will never be alone
I’ve spent a lot of time in solitude over the past couple months, and I can confirm that it makes you feel more at peace with yourself and others. I even realized for the first time what I want to do with my life and what I think my purpose is. God bless you Doctor K and anyone watching this.
It is weird how well you describe me in some of these videos! I fell like this one explains what I went through during the pandemic. I truly learned how to be alone with myself even though I have lived alone 90% of my adult life. I actually remember telling myself several times “I could go out today, but I’m going to chose to stay home.” - just so I could make it my choice. Becoming comfortable with solitude and myself has changed my attitude to work, family, dating and just about everything. I keep saying I just don’t internalize some of these dramas anymore, but I couldn’t tell you exactly why until I watched this video.
Great analysis. I never fully realized how happy I have always been whilst engaged in low arousal (positive) activities. I was never a sports fan or outdoorsy kind of guy, so I got my pleasure from music, books, movies, etc. Still do. Conversely, I was at a friend's wedding a few months ago and I felt miserably alone even though I was surrounded by people. I was the only single person at a table of couples who all knew each other. They weren't bad people, but they had their own thing going, so why bring in an outsider they'd most likely never see again. I couldn't wait to get out of there so I could go home and put on a movie or something. This was eye opening.
I just wanna say how much this is true. (PS ly english isn't that great forgive me for the little spelling mistakes) This year I have been feeling extremely lonely. It led me to a pretty bad depression that I was trying to hide. Everytime I saw my friends I would talk to them because you know, I had to maintain my social statu. One thing that you said and that is true is that I was feeling especialy lonely when I was with those friends, even more than when I was alone. One thing that I also noticed is that I have a good friend of mine who realy likes to get all the attention for himself when he is with a group of people. He is extremly charismatic and I was fool enough to try to compete with him when I was in a group of people. It wasn't working realy well and it just deteriorated my self esteem. One day it pissed me off and I came to an agreement with myself. I basicaly kinda meditated and I thought about how the future me would like me to act. I cam to the conclusion that I didn't have to force myself to be with other people, and if I was feeling it as a burden then it was better for me to stop. It immediatly changed my interactions with everyone because I didn't have to care weither or not I would be liked for what I did. I just felt so free. One thing I noticed is that if you are craving for recognition you will get less results than if you don't care that much about other people. Be careful, it's not about being an ashole, it's just about considering yourself and your own feelings as the most important ones for yourself. It is about listening to your own emotions instead of trying to shape your emotions arround what other people expect of yourself. Now I am the charismatic guy in most of my interactions with other people without even trying. I basicaly turned a game that I can't win to a game that I can't loose. If I feel like people arround me don't care about me I just leave them and that's it. So I just end up with people that matter for me because I matter for them.
An excellent video outlining a healthy balance between solitude and socialisation. Most of this reflects my experience as a retired mental health nurse after foue decades of service. A major factor in my current life is my association with Buddhist monks and lay people. Since I retired five years ago, I am experiencing the most contented period in my entire life. “You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.” ― George Carlin, It's Bad for Ya
It’s so helpful to finally have the language to articulate why I don’t mind spending time by myself and not feeling lonely to my family and not being looked like like a weirdo
This has been 110% my experience. I was lonely at school back then, and it actually felt better to be alone instead of trying to appeal to them. Yes I still felt lonely of course. There was also a lot of high arousal negative emotions during the time that I couldn't avoid.
This is the video that I needed Dr. K. One of my problems is that even surrounded by people I have felt lonely and I asked myself why that happened. Now I understand, choosing and forced to do something makes a huge difference
Having recently broken up. I have realized i was more anxious depressed and unhealthier when i was with more ppl. Having unhealed trauma actually being able to work on myself on my own apartment being able to set bounderies go outside when i want. Its just so freeint
I got my current job shortly before that corona bs happened. Full remote, I've never been to an office or met a colleague in person yet. The ability to simply close the zoom session, turn up the music and just don't care is amazing. I felt lonely for a while but it changed when I cared less about what society dictates. And I'm learning that the anxiety I feel when I have to leave the house could as well be excitement.
Honestly being lonely brings the best out of you and also lets you surprise people with skills they never knew you had. It’s helps me mind my business more
This guy, man. This guy is just marvelous. I just love every single video in this channel because he always explains his point in such an elegant and easy way to understand. This channel is a gem!
He articulates everything very well without being boring. He’s engaging and has my full attention whereas I’d zone out and tune out other people when they start using big words
This is brilliant and extremely helpful! I have been plagued with loneliness for years. It helps validate all these new less desirable variables in society. Thank you!
This video was really interesting. I have a number of disabilities that make me bed and house bound, so often times seeing people is physically inaccessible to me. I've spent much of my life isolated and thought loneliness was just something I would have to suffer with my whole life. This has given me a lot to think about.
Truly amazing piece of content. I go through this cycle all the time and have eventually learned to enjoy my solitude. Having it defined and explained in this format really helps organize my thoughts to try to be a a more rational, stable person. Mental illness is a pandemic and not a lot of people have a means to receive support for it. Your work is truly amazing Dr. K.
What I like about that video is when Dr. K is talking about things that I'm already doing. It confirms that I'm on the right path and also help me go further on the path to happiness and well-being. I've learned to be by myself and enjoy my time alone. I do also feel that it's easier to connect with other people when you are connected with yourself. I used to attract toxic people in my life but now I can see a shift toward healthier relationships. It's a journey. It's difficult at the beginning but it's well worth the effort. Keep the good work Dr. K and HG Team.
I think what also helps with being alone and lonely is that I’ve had the great opportunity of experiencing the other side which is popularity, love and the party life. I was fully emerged in all of it, have gone through a few very deep and loving relationships that didn’t pan out but.. now I get to sit back and realize that this state of loneliness isn’t so bad, cause I can always think back of the time I wasn’t alone and I know at anytime if I really wanted to, can have those things again.
I love this. I've actually learned this myself the difference between solitude and loneliness. During the pandemic, I experienced serious loneliness where I felt like not being with anyone, or being left out felt like I was all alone in this world and it was maddening. But then I stumbled upon the solitude, and last year was the year I learned what it really meant to be in solitude. For me, it became the freedom of choosing where to direct my time with, whether it's an activity I love, or people/groups/community. With this in mind, I found peace. I got rid of my FOMO, and instead focused in finding out what I really wanted to do and not just because that's what everyone else is doing. To my surprise, it's this independence and freedom to choose who I can be with that actually enabled me to develop more meaningful connections and not just superficial. When I lead my life to the direction that I want to go, it actually makes me more magnetic to people who genuinely want the same thing I do and this was a game changer for me :)
Everything does get harder, but when you tell yourself “I am going to make this affirmative choice for myself.” You take power over the situation. Your confidence will grow which will help you deal with the consequences from this shit world. You have the power, it’s just about using it.
@@GilgameschUruk The expectation to engage with others, especially on social media. The expectation to be empathetic towards the emotional state of others. The measurement of personal accomplishment based on arbitrary metrics such as number of followers. You are measured based on the way you portray yourself rather than the way you actually are which is why so many influencers can be completely incompetent, but by simply displaying an appearance of confidence, be held in high esteem by the Internet culture.
This explains so much about why I feel like an outcast in mainstream society, yet at the same time, feel either sad or happy to be on my own. Really appreciate this video Dr. K!
"It's not the being alone, it's more the being unknown." It's a lyric from Hozier's song "Unknown". I've always related to it because it makes the most sense to me. Being alone or isolated can be peaceful at times. Learning to enjoy your own company is a great strength. But if you don't have anyone or lost someone who truly knows you, completely understands you and accepts you regardless of your flaws; that's what true loneliness means, at least in my opinion.
I'm retired and spend an enormous amount of time alone. Am I lonely? ~ No. Am I happy and content? ~ Yes. I really enjoyed this episode, as I do many, but this one truly hit the spot.
800 prophecies we’re completed in the Bible that’s a 1 x 10^895 possibility. It would take 10 Minutes to write the zeroes. If you died right now are you a 100% sure you’d go to Heaven? all people have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. What is sin? Sin is essentially any bad thing we've ever done. Have u sinned before? Because of sin the punishment is a burning hell. “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8 KJV Do u know the story of Jesus? (If yes skip next step) if not do next step. God came down to earth as a man. Lived for 33 and a half years. He never sinned his whole life. Eventually some people got jealous of him and got him convicted of phony charges. He got crucified on the cross. Died. Was buried for 3 days then he was resurrected by his own power. Do you know why Jesus went through all this bloody mess for us? It’s because remember your sin is the problem why you can’t go to Heaven right? The only thing that can wash away your sin is the blood of Jesus Christ “But God shows his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 KJV God did all that to save us from hell "Much more than, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.” Romans 5:9 KJV Ephesians 2:8-9 “We’re saved by Grace through faith which is not of ourselves it is the gift of God not by works for fear any man should boast” Salvation is not by good works like “water baptism, attending church, any good thing you do” “For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.” 2 Corinthians 7:10 KJV To get saved, you need to repent as a sinner. Or, you need to be sorry for being a sinner. Are you sorry for being a sinner? “that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” Romans 10:9 KJV Do you believe everything you’ve heard in the gospel so far? All you have to do is say it to God in less than 15 seconds I’ll even help you say it to god all you have to do is repeat after me. I’m going to give you the words to repeat, but remember repeating this prayer doesn’t save you. You genuinely meaning the words from your heart does Dear god I repent as a sinner I believe Jesus is God who died buried and resurrected so his blood can wash away my sins. So I only trust in the blood alone to save me. Not my good works. To save me from hell in Jesus name. I pray amen So if you believe in him and what he did. You'll be justified by his blood and saved from hell and you'll get an eternity of Love, joy, and peace Then after that. Just read the Bible daily. As man does not by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. It says like a newborn baby desire the pure milk of the word so that you can grow by it. And Jesus said, Sanctify them through your truth. Your word is truth. Essentially Jesus was saying. Make your believers holy through reading your word, and finally. If you continue in my word, then you are truly my disciples and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
man this hits pretty good, I recently almost got into a relationship and i realized that it is kinda exhausting trying to maintain things, thus i just decided to part ways. And I actually find being alone a lot more relaxing and I live my life at the fullest when im alone, its almost as if its a drug addiction.
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. Currently in my mid-30s. Most people are married with children & two of my close friends. Don't see each other regularly. Other "friends" are still into the party vibe & if we hang out once in a while the convo is just superficial etc. I love my job, make a difference & communicate with colleagues daily yet when I'm alone I always think I need to be out with people OR I see all the married couples online and think - "What's wrong with me?" etc. Can anyone resonate? Sigh. But thanks for this video. 💯👍
I experienced the same thing in my 30s.. my crowd took a little longer to “settle down” and I never really wanted to or felt the need until they all actually did -and I found myself with no plans on the weekend and with no travel partner. So I started scrambling to find someone and got married myself . In my 40s I’m now divorced.. suddenly some of my old friends who had kids young are now available for travel and going out . I never even thought about that ! In retrospect I should have found younger friends during that time instead of feeling pressured to follow society’s timelines. The traditional nuclear family setup does isolate many people so the need to conform is understandable!
@@AndyJ-le7tp Thanks for the message, appreciate it. Sorry to read about your situation. Can just imagine it's tough. So what is the solution for loneliness? Just focus & build yourself & to go solo in the meantime? And implementing the perspective from the video. OR maybe not to "fight" loneliness. Just to make peace with it.
I mean I’m in my 30s and I come to realize I’m afraid of commitment coming from someone who suffered from cptsd im on my healing journey. But I have an amazing loving bf who is the best thing to ever happen to me. I try not to think of marriage cause I don’t want kids. Also my parents are divorced and h8 each other and I can’t imagine them or family members being in the same room.. so that stresses me out. Most of my friends are married with kids and don’t have time anymore cause everything resolves around their kids. The single ones are busy working .. sadly I’m finding myself spending less time with friends in general. It’s mostly going to work, bf and family ..
A thing I used to do when corona hit and I wasn't *allowed* to see people, in order to cope with the forced loneliness, I went into a local forest and sat there reading a book, I would not say it worked really well, but atleast for an hour or so I felt that solitude Dr K speaks of, instead of the loneliness.
I'm glad to understand more about my loneliness with these videos, tysm! Also, do you have a more in-depth guide of turning isolation to solitude? I feel like I could learn way more from this ♥
I recommend doing things to improve yourself(good habits), like going to the gym, walk/run, reading, painting, playing an instrument, going to the park and relaxing, you will find it surprising when you do something by yourself how fast time passes. Also don't worry about doing anything well like painting or singing as you are doing it for enjoyment, which leads to a better experience.
@@diegogoulart8735 aka distracting yourself from the sole fact that you are and always will be lonely until your demise as you are reminded that you will be dying in the hospital with no one to visit you or remember you, every cope comes to an end my guy
It's incredibly accurate to what is happening to me and explains how I feel. I have a high stress, high conflict job, and at the end of the day, I just want peace and quiet and alone time. I don't want high-energy positive interactions either. However, if I have a day off, I am home alone all day, and I am on the political/news videos, afterwards, I feel the same in the evening. I need no interactions and peace and quiet. It was helpful to understand because I was thinking to myself:"But you have been all day alone!!"
Moved out of home with the age of 19, into a different continent. I can say it builds character, patience and strength. Transformed me from an introvert to an extrovert and built my social skills. The first few years are tough though.
This honestly came at a really good time for me. I had a LDR partner who broke up with me two months ago when I returned to college to continue my undergrad in Electrical Engineering while working a full-time job atm 60-80 hrs/week. I had a lot of ppl I cut out of my life this year because they were toxic, but my partner that I loved breaking up with me and getting with a guy IRL broke my soul. I was feeling emotionally crushed by my workload and emotional baggage yesterday while studying for my final exam in electromagnetics while also recalling lonely thoughts abt my ex. I've pretty much have been forced into being in solitude by my workload, living by myself, and being single, but after finishing my final exam and doing well I felt a huge heavy load off my chest today and some semblance of peace. This video came out at the right time.
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"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."
- Robin Williams
Ah I'm at that point now and it sucks ngl
@@Tricky-yg5xm this biologically translates to
You are surrounded by enemies not friends, and its better to be alone than to be with enemies
Always loved that quote, he smashed the nail on the head in such a succinct and simple yet elegant way
@@mr.raider744 I don't want to be seen as a loner with no friends tho. My current 'friends' aren't that nice either. They're not there for me when I need it. They always insult me but pass it off as a joke, I don't think they would like to see me get better. Idk tbh, maybe I should find new friends
Saving this
“you are never alone unless you abandon yourself”
- Ralph Smart
“you are alone”
-Ralph Dumb
-From another universe
@@AJ__525 I laughed, thank you.
Yes! I love this :)
Being your own best friend is so powerful
Yes
Well than I abandoned myself already.
"Ten years ago I met a man in his 70s on
a train in Kerala. When I asked if he
minded travelling alone he replied: "I'm
not alone, I'm by myself." I always
remember this when I'm eating out by
myself or do anything without
companions. It changes everything"
I read this somewhere and I love it
this is soo cool thank you for sharing
I resonate with this . What was once depression and feeling sorry for myself , is now the opposite . I’m all alone at a young age , dad died when I was 13 , mom died 2 years ago . Now I get strength from them
"Those that follow the crowd go no further than the crowd those that walk alone are likely to end in places no one has ever seen before" - I'm pretty sure that quote sounds familiar
This has made me realize that I define "alone" and "by myself" as the same thing.
Looking at "by myself" though, you can take it to have a more literal meaning. Just as I can be by you, roughly meaning I am beside you, being "by myself" can be seen as me being beside myself. This makes me no longer alone.
its always a man
No company is better than bad company
@@bridgethackett8112
Especially if you were in a prior relationship with a toxic individual. Being single again brings back contentment.
Lethal company is pretty good
The tricky part is that good company isn't always happy company, or joyful. It's about respecting you. I prefer to sit with a friend who is going through terrible time and is not smiling at all, than to go with people who laugh all the time, but doesn't care about anyone, nor me, nor other of them.
Im actually worried im getting too comfortable with loneliness
Same
Same
Same
Same! It is asking a lot from me
To agree to catch up with some friends.
Im worried you'll be an interesting person to be with
I was just thinking about how lonely I was inside, although on the outside I'm surrounded by "friends" who aren't really friends. Thanks man
why do you keep meeting these friends who arent friends then?
@@raze956 i think he means that society frowns upon people who are independent/alone. Thus forcing people in relationships that they didn't want to begin with. Your job does this by having people get along with their co-workers. Forced "friendly" relationships finally reaching a boiling point in society (a.k.a get along with EVERY Single person at work or your fired)
@@alexlopez5800 It could also mean they don't feel a deeper connection with any of their friends. I felt that for the longest time until recently with a friend with whom I can share a ton more than I have ever done with anybody else. It's a blessing.
Remember we are all lonely in our minds. Since telepathy is not a thing.
@@alexlopez5800 If u dont get along with co workers despite completing the task , Will be fired is sad, It may happen in mediocre companies.
I had this phase as a 20-22 yr old where I felt NO connection to anyone. I was so lonely. I had been depressed and anxious to the point of madness almost, for years. The turning point was when I got this realization, and it became my motto: "If you can't be alone in the middle of a desert, hundreds of miles away from the closest human being and still be content - you will never find true meaning in social interactions". My point was that the motivation for befriending people and finding things in common with others can never come from a place of need, but must come from want. When you are FINE with being alone and you CHOOSE to be with other people, those interations will be meaningful.
So it's OKAY to choose to sit by yourself for months or even a year - like I did, just to think, reflect, find the YOURSELF. When you start doing that your mental problems will diminish and your desire for interactions with others will come naturally and at YOUR terms. You can select which ones are worth spending time with, and if there's no good choices out there in the given moment, then solitude beats hanging with and trying to win the respect of a**holes every time! And as time goes by you will find maye a couple of people that actually care about you and that are a net positive to your life. Focus on them, and continue to be open for more relations of that type. As the years go by you will have a small but quality click of people around you that are always there, that understand and know the real you. It's worth a lot.
Now I'm 36 and I don't have a hard time finding out anymore which ones are the good people when I'm in a new situation. I find friends anywhere and I keep the rotten ones out of my life. I spend a lot of time alone still and I enjoy it. I can not be coerced into anything. I have developed my own principles and standards. And I've never been more happy. The journey still continues though - there is no such thing as "done" with mental growth.
I loved this comment, going through something similar now as a 20 y/o, I'll take this advice
I feel like I'm on a similar path to what you described, but there are still times where I wonder if what I am doing is the "right" thing. Everything I have done in my life up til this point felt like a reaction to everything that has happened to me and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life that don't seem to fit and replace them with new pieces. I hope that makes sense. I am glad you were able to change your life around for the better. I have hope that things will be better and it's because of comments like yours and Dr. K's videos that push me to keep going, so thank you.
@@dff9477 Well put. I left out a lot of course. There's going to be setbacks. I burned myself out at 30, so I left my career for engineering studies. I finally crashed completely 2 yrs into the masters and had to throw all the old pieces that were dysfunctional out. Quit university and found a new career. It took 2-3 years.
Life for sure is not always easy... Seems I burned out because there were still a lot of psychological problems buried in me from the past that made a reemergence because of stress. Unrealistic expectations, self-esteem issues etc. I had to go to therapy, take SSRI, review my entire person and reevaluate everything in my life to get out of this hole.
I'm sure there will be a few more crunch points waiting for me later down the road. 😅
It seems like learning how to be okay in one state, even if you still prefer the alternative, can make you feel more free. Because now you have a choice.
loved it
Dr. K once again coming in clutch with content that addresses the "loneliness epidemic", all without the toxicity, shaming or vitriolic groupthink which blames entire groups of people for these issues.
That said, one has to admit how relevant it isn’t how Dr. K, without the slightest political knowledge or even intentionally, scientifically came to the conclusion that the oppression of speech, overly sensitiveness and entitlement, all very direct products of the mindset of a certain side of the political spectrum, are heavily to blame for the great crisis of mental illnesses the west is facing right now.
It really says a lot. This shit is not even about sides or opinions anymore.
Dr. K saving the world
Also Dr. K: 'People are more crap than ever' 😂😂
Nobody is to blame for anything. Everything is beautiful
@@Eagervul hah. To be fair, I think he's saying that our environment sort of beats is down and makes us act more crappy and selfish. Not that people, or any one group of people, are inherently bad.
I've never been lonely, I have had a couple of friends but my main killer of loneliness has been having a dog they don't lie and love me unconditionally.
Yep! 💯
❤🎉🎉 pets are best
I have a dog as well, but I still feel lonely. A dog is not a human. A dog can't talk and laugh with me
@@peacebuddha96 Dogs do talk (with their body). They are just mute. Also they can laugh
Pets are to needy, need to much attention. I never got anything for them, need to feed them , way to much stress on my mind, they deserve more attention then I can give.
One good thing about not having anyone around you is you can work on yourself in silence as well
People need human connection and are creating increasing amounts of challenges for themselves in cultivating it. Not about how many people you are surrounded by, it’s about how connected you feel to those people.
My whole childhood, my dad told me that if I have 1-2 CLOSE, REAL friends that you can really rely on and communicate with, then you should count yourself very, very lucky. I have two of those. I’m 33. So, I guess I’m doing pretty good. But, when I compare myself to some of my female friends/acquaintances it seems that their friendships are more intimate, their familial relationships are better/closer, and they are communicating daily with several other people about pretty much everything that’s on their mind. This makes my life seem devoid of connection and rather sad by contrast, because I spend most of my time alone when I’m not at work, and I’d rather consume content 99% of the time than call somebody. I’m trying to get over that comparison though.
Thanks for this comment
@@bryanbryan6108 Well this is me, and I think it's a lot of people in today's era.
@@bryanbryan6108 Hit the nail on the head. Same here, my friends whom I can count with 1 hand have other friends, 2 of em have a lot whom they have wholesome friendships with. It's hard to not suddenly be hit by the comparison whenever they tell stories about those friendships, and I think what's even more painful is how I feel like I need them more than they need me. They have more friends to hang with if I'm gone. Still getting over this comparison too
@@bryanbryan6108 my old man told me the same
I live alone, work fully remote, and am in a new city. I fancied an adventure, and it's hard! I thought I made one new friend, but then we fell out pretty badly, and I blocked her. I went on a few dates, and had similarly bad luck. Strangely, as much as this period of my life is presenting me with very real emotional challenges, this video says things that I feel like I instinctively understand. It's essentially the age-old observation that a lot of life satisfaction comes down to the harmony you create within yourself.
I feel the same
I’m in the same situation too
Give it a decade. It sucks
I feel the same. I actually feel pretty content with my solitude. It’s just that every time I open social media and see my friends going out, my anxiety of “missing out” kicks in and that contentment fades away
I envy yall that get to work remotely 😢a girl could dream
I used to be sad about being lonely until I realized I don't actually enjoy being around other people that much. I prefer the company of my computer and fish
I like his term, "assholery"! 🤣🤣🤣
Fish
@@angrykrabs9968 Fish
Dude literally same happened to me 😭
Fish
Thank you for recognizing the fact that relationships are becoming crappy. I've been trying to discuss this phenomena for a while now, but everybody I talk to respond with copium, accusing me of being negative. Then they go and step on the same rakes as I did, and repeat my exact words.
You say more helpful insights in 5min than any of my few past psychologists in 5 hours, thank you!
i’m sure he’s a psychiatrist- an actual doctor
@@sebp9882 psychologist is a seperate job in my country, they are not as smart as psychiatrists
Because he changed the whole flow of mainstream mental health I'm sure many other new therapists probably get inspired by this guys approach and will surely apply similar approach
Its always sooo much better to be alone than in a BAD relationship ❤
I keep hearing this but I don't even get the chance to see if its true. I don't wanna trust someone elses word
Oh yeah. It's so much better to skip a meal rather than eating shit. Captain obvious, you back?
It's so much better to be sober than trying SUS drugs.
Atleast you can grow after a bad relationship. If you have been alone your entire life, you're 100 steps behind everybody else. Solitude can only be enjoyed if you atleast had the experience of being loved.
It's always soooooo much better to be awake than having a BAAAD nightmare.
The only advantage to being lonely is it either teaches you to appreciate human companionship and therefore instills compassion and empathy for others and/or it teaches you that most people are shallow and dumb and therefore are not worth so much as one millisecond of one’s time! Either way it teaches you a lot about one’s fellow species!
I have growing empathy for dumb people, so I think you're theory is on point.
Maybe that's why I'm not a raging sociopath like most people seem to be these days
If that's the case there are a lot of people that need to experience loneliness for a while. Compassion seems to be reaching lower lows all the time
@@Madchris8828 so true. I came across a comment section of people celebrating the deaths of thousands of civilians last month. I lost faith in humanity that day. If that is how people think I want nothing to do with them
Huh weird. Guess there's something to that, isolation has only caused me to lose empathy and have a more apathetic outlook on life in general.
Thanks for this, timing is perfect, I'm 45 and this hits me; I message people and they don't respond, live alone but relax with my dogs, feel alone then go out to bar, then feel more alone 😂, then go home and don't go out for ages, due to anxiety about it. However recently I've been enjoying my alone time, walking the dogs, enjoying gaming with random people not my original group that dont seem to contact anymore, enjoying reading, films, and being outdoors.i feel it's a more peaceful path and feel more content.
What an excellent comment Stu!
Thank you
I feel you. People really suck nowadays.
but how long will this last? of course right now the experience is new and interesting, but once the mind regulates that behavior then what?
@@yooong-tvt I think it's more about not setting expectations from social events, or others, and enjoying just being present, basically giving less fuks in a positive way, just enjoy each day. This is a stackable buff for me, so it doesn't run out or expire. I do enjoy my own company and get exhausted being around others for too long. Female company is great but again not expectations etc leaves me able to just enjoy the process.
@@stucunningham1 i feel you, it just also feels like society is degrading, as with my own mind and stability, which makes it hard to realistically envision that it will get better, feels like time is running out
This video is such a reassurring video for me. I’ve just moved to another country and I was feeling lonely and was just in my room when I wasn’t at work, and suddenly all my insecurities and fears came out and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I didn’t know the word solitude and I couldn’t say it with words as well, but I felt it and did start to make some solitude activities during my day. I started working out, started to make a sleep schedule, a morning and night routine, reading books etc. and now that I’m doing all of these things I feel really good about myself and started to connect with other people a lot more and it feels easier. I’m thankful for Dr.K making these videos because I allways learn something new from them or/and about myself.
For me, I used to hang out with a group of friends and feel so alone. No blame on them but something didn’t click and at times I felt ignored.
After that, I started eating lunch alone. At first, I was scared of the loneliness and panic that would set in when I was left alone with my thoughts. This is what kept me from leaving the group in the first place.
But as time passed, I found peace in my solitude and I would listen to calming music as I ate lunch. It became “me time” in a way and I’m glad I made the decision to be alone but not lonely.
I like Dr K teaching us this kind of thinking where emotions aren’t just a binary good or bad thing, but that they all have their proper situations and function. This kind of nuance is much needed in our culture, thank you
ikr!
well said
Absolutely.
Finally someone says some truth! I don't hate being alone, but it does get annoying that I'm looked down upon for being alone too much. 99% of my discomfort comes from the cognitive dissonance of thinking I should be "connecting" with people when we don't have common interests.
I'm with you. Imagine being content with your solitude but having a mother who literally tells you it makes you "weird."
Agreed, feeling that expectation is a source of extreme discomfort.
I am conscientious and value and respect other people. But the expectation of interacting with them to whatever degree is something I can't do as we often don't have common interests.
I've recently broke with my girlfriend. We planned our marriage for the next year. However she was incompatible with me. It hurts, but I started to appreciate again my loneliness.
Edit: thank you all. I see that I'm not the only one in this situation. I wish you the best too
Sending healing vibes, take care
I've been there, wish you all the best, it might be tough even after years, so don't push yourself and try to accept things as they are.
Thanks for sharing. Just got cheated on and blindsided by my partner of 5 years just before we were going to get engaged, and after I anchored us both losing our jobs in the pandemic and rebuilding.
Learning to ride the waves of loneliness and explore the relationship I have with myself.
Sometimes we have to make decisions that we absolutely hate. Thinking about it is still going to suck in a few years. But know that feeling sad about it is not a bad thing. It shows how important this part of your life was for you. When by yourself don't be afraid to cry as well.
If someone breaks up with their partner, what is better? To feel nothing about it, to not care, to see this as irrelevant? Or to actually feel emotions for it?
Sure, the relationship doesn't exist any more. There is nothing between us and our ex any more. But a few years ago that was someone extremely important in our lives. I think it is important to respect both ourselves and our ex partners after a relationship ends. So that the next relationship bear fruits.
I think it is so much worse for someone to not feel anything about a previous relationship. That would mean we didn't learn anything from the past.
Sorry to hear that man hope it gets better
Please consider timestamps.
There are timestamps in the description
Please consider reading the description
Ah it is probably a minor formatting issue preventing the timestamps from showing up on the slider.
This generation is really cooked if they cannot watch a 20 minute video with their short attention spans
Please consider oiling up cuz imma be there at 5 🙏🙏
I absolutely agree with that. To be honest, I was always raised being extroverted and socializing. My family literally was sitting with me at the dinner table telling me that being alone is the worst which could ever happen to me and that I need to be like others want me to be to have a place in life with many friends and contacts. I needed a place in my very own flat first to recognize that something like solitude does even excist. And it changed so much for me. Before, I was under intense pressure and always on the run pleasing others. Now I have some real, deep contacts with a few friends and here and there someone deep minded joins my solitude life while sitting in a park or at a café and it just feels right and I have more energy and more skills in socializing than I had before. The weird thing is, people still ask me in a worried manner if I would be okay and if I even have friends.... That's so strange 😳
THANK YOU for validating that people suck more these days. I was last single/fell in love in 2015 (before Trump was even taken seriously, before the heat waves and wildfire smoke every summer, etc). And I’ve realized dating now, it’s not just that I’m 8 years older, but the general vibe of people is that we are all more burnt out and inconsiderate… it’s been hard to find someone as emotionally available and positive as the person I was with. And to be fair I’m way more jaded too and exhausted than I was back then. :(
thats cus yall fall for the scams of society lol😂
You'll get worn out of being jaded and maybe end up in the middle somewhere.
I'm early 40s and stopped expecting very much from very many people and life is great
Very similar story with nearly the same timeline.
I absolutely loved this distinction between Loneliness and Solitude. I also noticed this within myself - I’ve been integrating a daily walk in my routine - so basically, Solitude. My mood is now better than before, and I struggle with depression. Thank you!
Are there other solitude examples besides taking a walk? I don't think I fully understand
@@Furiac. I am sure there are. I recommend reading a paper copy of an interesting book to you, as well. As a practice of Solitude. I am still new to this. So other than a daily walk and reading books, I would love to hear other people’s ideas. How should we practice Solitude better in our day to day?
@@vanessaprincesssa but girls r born social n extroverted, n cant spend a single minute alone tho
@@jake9854 That is not true for all girls, we are not a monolith, lol 😉 I am a girl and I absolutely LOVE spending time on my own. I know my other girlfriends do too.
My problem is that I like spending time on my own TOO much. I need to put in effort in socialising.
@@jake9854 I'm an introverted girl and I love being alone. What are you on about man
Admittedly I haven't talked to many therapists, but I think very few have your level of cultural connection to my, let's say, generation.
It is fascinating how you casually brought up AITA type subreddits, social media activity around the israel-palestine situation and the comic with the pink blob that so many of us know. Because from that I can tell that you experienced those in the same situations we have and really understand and explain the psychology around it accurately.
There's older people with great wisdom and great understanding of human psychology, but if they've never scrolled on facebook for more than an hour, don't have an instagram account and haven't even heard of reddit, they won't really get that side of you.
It's like they're standing ten meters away trying to explain to you how to build a table, while you're right next to me and I can just tell what you're pointing at and why.
Saving this
You pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Super well put
Such a great explanation of how it feels to listen to advice from Dr. K
Thankful someone put my reverence of Dr K into such clear words🙌🏼
This is life saving information man, I’m not even exaggerating. Thank you so much for this video
Finally, someone says what I experience and think. People constantly urge me to socialize more even though I explain it is something I find highly discomforting and when I need it I'll go out to the grocery store and I'm fine. Even mental health professionals have insisted that I have to be more social and don't understand how much enjoyment I experience in solitude.
Next time my mom tells me I need to "go out into the world", I'm going to send her this.
(For reference, I'm a 28 years old autistic female, and after years of having been "out in the world" and suffering severe burnout as a consequence, I'm now quite content on my own, thankyou.)
Hello! Judging by your videos on your channel, you're very pretty!
@@dwacheopus Hahah, thank you!
Woohoo 31 yr old here going thru the same thing!!😊
Trying to exist in a world that hates people like us isn't even worth it anyway.
Your life, your boundaries.
Love this! I just graduated college which means I went from having people around me constantly with things to do and absolutely no time to myself to unemployed, alone, and under stimulated in a way. It took me a while to appreciate that I finally achieved the alone time I craved in college and started making my alone time intentional.
A couple months back I had my house to myself for about a week and during that time I just played games and watched videos with little to no interaction with anyone and had a great time. A couple months after this I started college, not knowing anyone and having some brief interaction with others and I felt awful and lonely. This video has put these two events that seemed so contradictory in my head into context.
I kicked my sister out a couple weeks before COVID lockdowns started (she is easily one of the worst people I know, it was for the best). The first few months of completely being alone (we went full-remote almost immediately) were great. By the end of 2020 I'd functionally dropped out of university, missed two weeks of work, and did nothing but eat and binge Twin Peaks on Netflix. It was, at the time, the lowest point of my life. It was miserable, I don't *want* this and I just can't imagine that changing; if it came down to a choice between doing *that* for the next 40 years and not existing anymore, well, that's not a hard choice. I *wish* being alone and content was just a switch I could flip, but it's not, because I'm not alone, I'm there *with me* and I *hate* that guy.
Being lonely and incredibly depressed has its perks 🔥🔥🔥
you'll get it when you get older
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm literally the enemy in my life. I'm hypercritical of everything I do, think, and feel.
I try to remind myself not to live in the past, but it's all I think about since I don't have anything going on socially.
I do miss my family and memories. And I appreciate the time spent.
Mixed emotions of gratitude hatred for self, constant doubt, and discussed for being vulnerable.
I'm attractive though so that's cool
😆
@@pow3r0f4tlas Us bro us.
@@anshulsingh8326Maybe adopt an old dog, that'll give you purpose, and the dog will be so happy.
Yeah no I havent worked in days and havent showered. No perks here
As a 16 yr old who has literally been lonely my entire life, having 0 friends and having only my parents and advertisements on my contacts list. I see this as an absolute win.
omg that's just so brutal bro how tf do u cope?
@@iiCounted-op5jx Well, I’m an introvert so it’s kinda easy, but I do feel very lonely at times. I don’t have a particular way to cope with it I just let it be. Many might say to just make one, but I live in a place that’s not really easy and it’s hard to find non toxic people these days.
@@lightnighte4108 I'm a 17 yo introvert aswell and honestly I feel u. It's hard but don't give up man
@@iwantedtobethatanomaly2270Thank you. But I never mentioned that I’m looking for a friend or anything so there’s nothing to give up for me. It’s not something I’m failing to look for a friend it’s more like I can’t.
Im 15 and this is so real. Having friends means having to give attention. Not that its a bad thing, having friends is a beautiful thing, but when you dont, there's no pressure to constantly be with someone to keep a connection, which means there's more time to focus on YOURSELF. I think most teens my age r so afraid to just be with themselves, so they barely have any time to reflect on, or work on themselves.
I think a lot of people are afraid to be alone, but at the same time afraid open up to others and show their true selves. And I have the feeling that because of that, they're stuck in shallow "friendships" with a lot of smalltalk and they can't talk about how they feel with these people. And then they have to pretend to be happy in public, so that's harder than being alone, I think so anyway. When I feel bad by myself, I can try to find an activity to cheer myself up, find inspiration from a youtube video, laugh at a funny meme I can relate to. If you feel bad in a group that doesn't understand why you feel bad, the group may very well make you think your feelings and thoughts aren't valid and add insult to injury. So it's good to live in solitude for at least a while, I think, to be the captain of your own life.
Okay, I’ll give this a shot too.
I corrected my sleep schedule 3 days ago by following that lecture, and now I’m consistently rising by 6am. It’s great!
I always want to be surrounded by people, but when I get the chance, I lie and front around them, and it truly sucks. I don’t tell massive lies to them, but I embellish certain things about myself so that they’ll like me☹️, or I’ll focus on one aspect of myself for too long.
So I will try solitude. Engage in more time spent just being with myself without distraction. Going on walks not solely for exercise, but for enjoyment and pleasure.
Being alone is the only thing keeping me sane rn
…relatable. ♥️👏
Thank you for this information. I’ve been by myself for around 5 years now and also struggle with depression and anxiety. It’s heart renching being this alone but all of my social interactions are horrible.
I was just overloading myself with highly arousing TH-cam content when I decided to listen to your talk. Thanks for your wise words. I often think that I’m lonely and forget that it’s by choice. Thanks for reminding me how much I enjoy my simple daily routine. Preparing my tasty breakfast, straightening out the house, etc., all the simple solitary things I do for myself. Chasing after social interaction can be quite counterproductive.
I'm not sure. I kinda feel like loneliness is something that should bother me more but it doesn't. I'm actually really comfortable with my own company. I value my alone time because people, even people I care about, can be a worse drag than an irritating stranger. I don't have to send an irritating stranger a birthday card and they wouldn't give me s!!! for not doing so. Me having ADHD **might** have something to do with this.
“My solitude doesn’t depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche.
Let's not look to Nietzsche for wisdom on loneliness and mental health....
I feel this way too -- I wonder if I shouldn't be worried about how little I care.
Also, let's do look to Nietzsche for mental health advice. However, perhaps let's not look at surface-level interpretations of his works for any reason, because frankly, that's doing a disservice to all of humanity. Nietzsche's brand of nihilism is no closer to "give up and lie down, it's all pointless anyways" than Aurelius' stoicism is to "bottle up all your emotions inside yourself and never let even the smallest squeak out into the world."
then u are lucky
@@ELeviathan33 biggest missconception of philosphy is that Nietzsche was a nihilist. He was actually quite happy
@@JAKE-ng8yr I'm not talking about Nietzsche's philosophics, I'm talking about the man. Or are you two unaware of how his life went?
The thing is that you can't rely on people. They are unreliable. They are always making big plan, like a get together, and when the times come, they bail. Their words mean nothing anymore. I am the kind of person that is more "my words are my bond", if I say that I will be there, then I will, however don't expect that from 95% of the people out there.
this video came up to me in a perfect timing. i have a lot of solitude (when i used to be so lonely) and when i try to socialize i get frustrated because people are weird and they do suck more then they used to, exactly as you said. most of people 19-20s are so distant and addicted to a virtual device, more selfish and careless, apathetic. so i get frustrated and go back to my own world, which is peaceful and filled with things i enjoy doing once i’m focusing in myself and my future. to me, that was the key. thank you for this video! your content is really helpful and valuable.
Thank you so much for eloquently describing my journey over the past 10 years of distancing myself from toxic connections and embracing my solitude to find peace and comfort. ❤
11:00 I can totally relate to this vicious sadness, isolation, anxiety cycle. Great video, thanks!
It’s very reaffirming and interesting how you put into words the realization I’ve come too recently. Prioritizing my own solitude has done nothing but improve my overall happiness and self esteem.
I am 24 and have never had a girlfriend. I don't feel sex deprived and I feel like I am doing okayish emotionally wise but sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have a romantic partner.
Thing is, I am so used to doing everything on my own that I legit cannot see reality when a huge part of my life revolves around somebody. I understand that you should still have a life of your own while being in a relationship but if you don't share a significant part of your life, is there even a point in being in the relationship?
I need to make a space in my every day life for that other person but at the same time until I actually meet that other person the space I made will just make my life more empty and you have no gurantee that you will actually meet that person. It feels like taking a huge gamble.
Idk maybe it's just because of my lack of dating experience but I feel like I am stuck in a catch 22 kind of situation.
I feel like a lot of the content aimed at single people tries to almost say "being single is objectively better than being in a relationship". While for me it's more of a "Sometimes it sucks but it is what it is"
You know you've met a person worthy of that compromise when it takes no concideration to make the compromise. They are rare, but stay open for the possibility. One day you might meet that person that you just want to be with and then you will gladly sacrifice your time in exchange for the deepest possible connection.
@@oskjan1I kinda get that but how do you meet that person without making the compromise first? That's what I meant by it feeling like taking a gamble.
I really don't wanna come off as if I'm complaining. It's just the conclusion I got to with my thought process and I grew to accept it but tbh I kinda hope I got something wrong about it
@@panlis6243 I'm in a similar place in life, I'm 32 I've had a handful of relationships, marriage and divorce. I don't have the best answer for you, but I think to meet the kind of person you want, you have to constantly doing things that reflect those characteristics. For example, have you considered doing community service, volunteer work, visiting and helping with orphanage, taking mission trips on your own expense to help people in poverty? I think many of us want a kind hearted, empathetic, giving, nurturing, partners who are not materialistic, narcissistic, and abusive, but where are people like that and what are they doing?
I'm not saying that its guaranteed that you will find someone, but think about it, if you meet a girl in the gym wearing booty shorts and is constantly on social media, partying, indulging and consuming vs a girl during a mission trip to the slums of India to help give medicine to the poor or volunteering at your local homeless shelter, where do you think you'll have better success? I think too many people are willing to cope living lives of indulgence (TV, video games, isolated hobbies) and hoping something lands on theirs laps vs doing service and meeting people through acts that take characteristics they desire in a partner if that makes sense. I hope this gave any clarity.
@@panlis6243 I'm not sure how you think meeting people works that you think you have to make a "compromise" and prepare a "hole in your life" for it to be possible... I met my former long term partner through a shared hobby and my current one at a social event through mutual friends. "Work on yourself and then just put yourself out there" isn't some sort of "thing you just say", it's literally how it works.
A relationship isn’t 50/50, it should be 100/100. I give you 100% of everything I can possibly give and you give 100% as well. If you don’t feel this way, then you’re just not ready for committed relationships. Sadly, everyone wants the fast track love without putting in the work on themselves, which is why relationships today are total shit and amazing relationships are so rare. Instant gratification is such a huge problem in this day and age 🤷♂️
In middle school, my parents started homeschooling me. I lived in a rural area so there weren't any social spaces within walking distance. At first it was extremely lonely, so lonely that I became severely depressed for most of my middle school years. These feelings came from my toxic family situation, my preoccupied friends, and my inability to go anywhere myself. Believe me, I tried to reach out, but I had an average of maybe 3-4 sleepovers each year... eventually I stopped trying.
But.... I also eventually tried to get help from within myself, instead of others (which had failed so many times before). I finally found my solitude, and it was nice. I stopped trying to appease others. I actively avoided family interactions. I just vibed with myself and genuinely enjoyed my own company. My depression went from crushing, to just an afterthought.
It's been taken away from me now, the solitude, as I'm in a much smaller house now. Interactions are inevitable and my family doesn't understand privacy or time alone.... I would give anything to get my solitude back.
Cherish yours. You don't know if it will get taken from you.
The narcissism afoot in the world is unbearable. I prefer solitude. Reading books, thinking about what I re 18:04 ad, really connecting to the author. Having the opportunity to see how another mind is working on a problem that I've thought about, is just wonderful. Can you get that from a person in the flesh? Can you even have an actual meaningful conversation?
Dude, you hit my nail right on the head. I've recently started coming to peace with my loneliness.
I look at all my peers who have families and all I can think is mo' people mo' problems. I avoid a lot of drama and stress because it's just me.
I enjoy social interaction, and sometimes I notice I need it like thirst and hunger, but I'm mostly at peace with being alone. It's nice.
“Need everyone else to conform to whatever I want.” What a satisfying way of putting what’s become stress inducing about the world around us lately
I find it amazing how much of human nature is completely counter-intuitive yet very, very simple, and it always seems to come back to choosing your perspective on things. Ya can't always change your life, but you can always change the lens of how you perceive it.
@penderyn8794 Well, that's one example of a lens 😄
I think the best way Dr. K put it once was, "Humans aren't conditioned for happiness. They're conditioned for survival."
For instance, we're never satisfied with what we have, because if we were, then we wouldn't try to improve our situation, which would hamper our ability to survive and produce offspring. Human nature is natural, and nature is cruel.
Thank you for what you do man we really appreciate it.
You could find yourself caught up in a situation with somebody who is incredibly manipulative or abusive… and they might not show that at first!!
Boundaries are essential even in a close relationship… relationships are difficult and take a lot of work, even when they are healthy!!
Take care of yourself and love yourself first… then go from there ❤
Thanks Dr K!
Thanks! This video has really helped me tremendously and was a breath of fresh air 😊. Thank you so much for making this video and I see you are almost at 2.00 million subscribers!!
We're social creatures and everyone deserves to feel connectedness and loved, but also if you're lonely and don't have connections or love in your life, you should embrace it.
Not going to lie, I get mixed signals with this advice, and the more I hear it, the more it FEELS like lonely people are just being gatekept from social connection.
Sure we all deserve connection but people as a collective don't care
@@LuisFlores-mc2tc That seems to be the issue. Not a lonely person's ability to embrace what makes them sad.
When you have any neurodivergence people will go out of their way at times to treat you less than, they detect you are different and try to exploit it.
@TheJazzy7 indeed, such is the human condition. If we where inherently good and cooperative and not driven by status and power, we wouldn't have a loneliness epidemic, unemployment, income inequality, homelessness, the motivation of material gain. But in essence, we do not care about everyone if anything, it's only the small tribe we spend our time with. We are tools to be exploited for each others gains nothing else and nothing more.
@@LuisFlores-mc2tcNo one "deserves" anything.
In the wise words of Relient k, “loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused, because I spent my solitude with you.” As a kid, I was devastatingly lonely; as a burned out full-time student, single parent, etc., I guard my precious solitude fiercely or dearly pay the price of overextending myself or taking what little time I have to be home with my kid, at peace and something resembling rest.
You just explained so much going on in my life. I'm not gonna post the novel I originally wrote here, but just know that this has me really working through some stuff. Thanks.
I'm now curious what was the 'novel'...
I feel you man. I just recently discovered this channel and it's helped me put things into perspective a little better. I've realized I'm very mentally unwell but now I know I'm not the only one.
Meditation has helped me to choose alone time for myself.
I have a greater appreciation for the magic that life has.
The other day I was walking and a two year old turned towards me and waved and verbally said hi!
I felt so human and loved !
that was brilliant! makes me remember and value the joy of solitude. also explains why dating apps made me feel lonely - constantly trying to connect but feeling alone - ugh! so glad to be done with them.
That quadrant of low/high arousal positive/negative emotions is brilliant. It explains why in the past where I carefully curated my alone time reading books or playing selected videogames/watching selected movies or sports games and avoided most social media and empty browsing it was much easier to socialise and it was me who calmed down all the stressed people around...
@@ondrej1893 agreed! Very insightful!
About a year ago I moved to the countryside where nobody in my social circle lives and almost completely disengaged from social media. Whenever I talk to people about it it sounds like they're expecting me to be completely distressed about it but truth is I've never been more serene in my life. I used to have frequent bouts of crippling anxiety but now I hardly even feel stress anymore. It's weird but somehow it seems to work
Did you find a sustainable job there? I also wanna be able to move out far from my family but idk if I'd be able to afford it
@@kajiko88 yeah but I work in manufacturing so it's pretty doable in my case to live in the sticks and commute to the suburbs and industrial neighborhoods. I have to admit it probably wouldn't be as easy for more service or office-oriented workers.
I think the fact that you are also decided to disengage from social media was a decisive factor here!
I totally get this. Earlier this year i realized the value of peaceful solitude. Seems every1 i know is defined by their issues. Cant hold a conversation without ppl getting really upset about their jobs, family, personal stuff etc. So i decided to with draw. I go to parks and even the movies alone. It used to bother me but now i can just chill. I plan to get a dog or 2 just so i can take them to the beach. Plenty of ppl like to talk to dog owners. I find nature to be an amazing companion too ❤
There's lots of bozo dog owners too...I find interacting with the animals the fun part
@@obtuseangler768 lol troo 😆
Over the years, I learned to Absolutely LOVE being alone. Its peace and its a sanctuary. I have loving friends, a loving partner and parents. But even with all of that, the only person I can always confide in and count on is myself. If you can make yourself your best friend, you will never be alone
I’ve spent a lot of time in solitude over the past couple months, and I can confirm that it makes you feel more at peace with yourself and others. I even realized for the first time what I want to do with my life and what I think my purpose is. God bless you Doctor K and anyone watching this.
It is weird how well you describe me in some of these videos! I fell like this one explains what I went through during the pandemic. I truly learned how to be alone with myself even though I have lived alone 90% of my adult life. I actually remember telling myself several times “I could go out today, but I’m going to chose to stay home.” - just so I could make it my choice. Becoming comfortable with solitude and myself has changed my attitude to work, family, dating and just about everything. I keep saying I just don’t internalize some of these dramas anymore, but I couldn’t tell you exactly why until I watched this video.
Great analysis. I never fully realized how happy I have always been whilst engaged in low arousal (positive) activities. I was never a sports fan or outdoorsy kind of guy, so I got my pleasure from music, books, movies, etc. Still do.
Conversely, I was at a friend's wedding a few months ago and I felt miserably alone even though I was surrounded by people. I was the only single person at a table of couples who all knew each other. They weren't bad people, but they had their own thing going, so why bring in an outsider they'd most likely never see again. I couldn't wait to get out of there so I could go home and put on a movie or something.
This was eye opening.
I just wanna say how much this is true. (PS ly english isn't that great forgive me for the little spelling mistakes)
This year I have been feeling extremely lonely. It led me to a pretty bad depression that I was trying to hide. Everytime I saw my friends I would talk to them because you know, I had to maintain my social statu.
One thing that you said and that is true is that I was feeling especialy lonely when I was with those friends, even more than when I was alone. One thing that I also noticed is that I have a good friend of mine who realy likes to get all the attention for himself when he is with a group of people. He is extremly charismatic and I was fool enough to try to compete with him when I was in a group of people. It wasn't working realy well and it just deteriorated my self esteem.
One day it pissed me off and I came to an agreement with myself. I basicaly kinda meditated and I thought about how the future me would like me to act. I cam to the conclusion that I didn't have to force myself to be with other people, and if I was feeling it as a burden then it was better for me to stop.
It immediatly changed my interactions with everyone because I didn't have to care weither or not I would be liked for what I did. I just felt so free.
One thing I noticed is that if you are craving for recognition you will get less results than if you don't care that much about other people. Be careful, it's not about being an ashole, it's just about considering yourself and your own feelings as the most important ones for yourself. It is about listening to your own emotions instead of trying to shape your emotions arround what other people expect of yourself.
Now I am the charismatic guy in most of my interactions with other people without even trying. I basicaly turned a game that I can't win to a game that I can't loose. If I feel like people arround me don't care about me I just leave them and that's it. So I just end up with people that matter for me because I matter for them.
An excellent video outlining a healthy balance between solitude and socialisation. Most of this reflects my experience as a retired mental health nurse after foue decades of service. A major factor in my current life is my association with Buddhist monks and lay people. Since I retired five years ago, I am experiencing the most contented period in my entire life. “You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.”
― George Carlin, It's Bad for Ya
Being able to being along is a super power. Most people can’t stand that for more than a week yet some people like me can do that for years.
It’s so helpful to finally have the language to articulate why I don’t mind spending time by myself and not feeling lonely to my family and not being looked like like a weirdo
This has been 110% my experience. I was lonely at school back then, and it actually felt better to be alone instead of trying to appeal to them. Yes I still felt lonely of course. There was also a lot of high arousal negative emotions during the time that I couldn't avoid.
This is the video that I needed Dr. K. One of my problems is that even surrounded by people I have felt lonely and I asked myself why that happened. Now I understand, choosing and forced to do something makes a huge difference
Having recently broken up. I have realized i was more anxious depressed and unhealthier when i was with more ppl. Having unhealed trauma actually being able to work on myself on my own apartment being able to set bounderies go outside when i want. Its just so freeint
I got my current job shortly before that corona bs happened. Full remote, I've never been to an office or met a colleague in person yet. The ability to simply close the zoom session, turn up the music and just don't care is amazing. I felt lonely for a while but it changed when I cared less about what society dictates. And I'm learning that the anxiety I feel when I have to leave the house could as well be excitement.
Honestly being lonely brings the best out of you and also lets you surprise people with skills they never knew you had. It’s helps me mind my business more
yeah keep telling yourself that lol, just keeeeep coping buddy
@@iiCounted-op5jx why do you think it's a cope? I agree with OP.
Cope
Like the saying goes, real confidence is quiet ego is loud.
This guy, man. This guy is just marvelous. I just love every single video in this channel because he always explains his point in such an elegant and easy way to understand. This channel is a gem!
I feel the same 🙌🥰
He articulates everything very well without being boring. He’s engaging and has my full attention whereas I’d zone out and tune out other people when they start using big words
This is brilliant and extremely helpful! I have been plagued with loneliness for years. It helps validate all these new less desirable variables in society. Thank you!
This video was really interesting. I have a number of disabilities that make me bed and house bound, so often times seeing people is physically inaccessible to me. I've spent much of my life isolated and thought loneliness was just something I would have to suffer with my whole life. This has given me a lot to think about.
Truly amazing piece of content. I go through this cycle all the time and have eventually learned to enjoy my solitude. Having it defined and explained in this format really helps organize my thoughts to try to be a a more rational, stable person. Mental illness is a pandemic and not a lot of people have a means to receive support for it. Your work is truly amazing Dr. K.
What I like about that video is when Dr. K is talking about things that I'm already doing. It confirms that I'm on the right path and also help me go further on the path to happiness and well-being.
I've learned to be by myself and enjoy my time alone. I do also feel that it's easier to connect with other people when you are connected with yourself. I used to attract toxic people in my life but now I can see a shift toward healthier relationships.
It's a journey. It's difficult at the beginning but it's well worth the effort. Keep the good work Dr. K and HG Team.
I think what also helps with being alone and lonely is that I’ve had the great opportunity of experiencing the other side which is popularity, love and the party life. I was fully emerged in all of it, have gone through a few very deep and loving relationships that didn’t pan out but.. now I get to sit back and realize that this state of loneliness isn’t so bad, cause I can always think back of the time I wasn’t alone and I know at anytime if I really wanted to, can have those things again.
Wow, Dr. K preach! It is so tough building relationships and friendships, especially when we humans compete against video games, apps, etc.
I love this. I've actually learned this myself the difference between solitude and loneliness. During the pandemic, I experienced serious loneliness where I felt like not being with anyone, or being left out felt like I was all alone in this world and it was maddening. But then I stumbled upon the solitude, and last year was the year I learned what it really meant to be in solitude. For me, it became the freedom of choosing where to direct my time with, whether it's an activity I love, or people/groups/community. With this in mind, I found peace. I got rid of my FOMO, and instead focused in finding out what I really wanted to do and not just because that's what everyone else is doing. To my surprise, it's this independence and freedom to choose who I can be with that actually enabled me to develop more meaningful connections and not just superficial. When I lead my life to the direction that I want to go, it actually makes me more magnetic to people who genuinely want the same thing I do and this was a game changer for me :)
Doesn‘t feel like an advantage. It feels like being sick and everything gets harder…
That sounds like today's social standards is trying to pressure you into thinking so.
Everything does get harder, but when you tell yourself “I am going to make this affirmative choice for myself.” You take power over the situation. Your confidence will grow which will help you deal with the consequences from this shit world. You have the power, it’s just about using it.
@@EsperHubb What are today‘s social standards?
@@GilgameschUruk The expectation to engage with others, especially on social media. The expectation to be empathetic towards the emotional state of others. The measurement of personal accomplishment based on arbitrary metrics such as number of followers. You are measured based on the way you portray yourself rather than the way you actually are which is why so many influencers can be completely incompetent, but by simply displaying an appearance of confidence, be held in high esteem by the Internet culture.
@@mazeradeville2911 So today‘s social expectation are the same they always been?
This explains so much about why I feel like an outcast in mainstream society, yet at the same time, feel either sad or happy to be on my own.
Really appreciate this video Dr. K!
0:11 I absolutely love my state
@@Texan_christian1132 haha you’re lonely
yeehaw
@@joelm4847 there's a difference between a loner and lonely
TEXAS IS #1 YALL!!!
"It's not the being alone, it's more the being unknown."
It's a lyric from Hozier's song "Unknown". I've always related to it because it makes the most sense to me.
Being alone or isolated can be peaceful at times. Learning to enjoy your own company is a great strength.
But if you don't have anyone or lost someone who truly knows you, completely understands you and accepts you regardless of your flaws; that's what true loneliness means, at least in my opinion.
Growing up in an abusive household on the 70's...that was real isolation!!!! People do suck more than they used to
Next Healthy GG video title: "Why being dead is an advantage"
😂
😂😂😂😂😂
I'm retired and spend an enormous amount of time alone. Am I lonely? ~ No. Am I happy and content? ~ Yes. I really enjoyed this episode, as I do many, but this one truly hit the spot.
800 prophecies we’re completed in the Bible that’s a 1 x 10^895 possibility. It would take 10
Minutes to write the zeroes.
If you died right now are you a 100% sure you’d go to Heaven?
all people have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
What is sin? Sin is essentially any bad thing we've ever done.
Have u sinned before?
Because of sin the punishment is a burning hell.
“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”
Revelation 21:8 KJV
Do u know the story of Jesus? (If yes skip next step) if not do next step. God came down to earth as a man. Lived for 33 and a half years. He never sinned his whole life. Eventually some people got jealous of him and got him convicted of phony charges. He got crucified on the cross. Died. Was buried for 3 days then he was resurrected by his own power.
Do you know why Jesus went through all this bloody mess for us?
It’s because remember your sin is the problem why you can’t go to Heaven right?
The only thing that can wash away your sin is the blood of Jesus Christ
“But God shows his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8 KJV
God did all that to save us from hell
"Much more than, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.”
Romans 5:9 KJV
Ephesians 2:8-9
“We’re saved by Grace through faith which is not of ourselves it is the gift of God not by works for fear any man should boast”
Salvation is not by good works like “water baptism, attending church, any good thing you do”
“For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10 KJV
To get saved, you need to repent as a sinner. Or, you need to be sorry for being a sinner. Are you sorry for being a sinner?
“that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Romans 10:9 KJV
Do you believe everything you’ve heard in the gospel so far?
All you have to do is say it to God in less than 15 seconds
I’ll even help you say it to god all you have to do is repeat after me.
I’m going to give you the words to repeat, but remember repeating this prayer doesn’t save you. You genuinely meaning the words from your heart does
Dear god I repent as a sinner I believe Jesus is God who died buried and resurrected so his blood can wash away my sins. So I only trust in the blood alone to save me. Not my good works. To save me from hell in Jesus name. I pray amen
So if you believe in him and what he did. You'll be justified by his blood and saved from hell and you'll get an eternity of Love, joy, and peace
Then after that. Just read the Bible daily. As man does not by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. It says like a newborn baby desire the pure milk of the word so that you can grow by it. And Jesus said, Sanctify them through your truth. Your word is truth. Essentially Jesus was saying. Make your believers holy through reading your word, and finally. If you continue in my word, then you are truly my disciples and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
man this hits pretty good, I recently almost got into a relationship and i realized that it is kinda exhausting trying to maintain things, thus i just decided to part ways. And I actually find being alone a lot more relaxing and I live my life at the fullest when im alone, its almost as if its a drug addiction.
Exactly what I needed to hear ✨. I am a doctor myself, and seeing you talk and listening to you makes me even more excited about psychiatry.
Bro clutched and saved my mental health fr. Thank Doc, huge W.
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. Currently in my mid-30s. Most people are married with children & two of my close friends. Don't see each other regularly. Other "friends" are still into the party vibe & if we hang out once in a while the convo is just superficial etc.
I love my job, make a difference & communicate with colleagues daily yet when I'm alone I always think I need to be out with people OR I see all the married couples online and think - "What's wrong with me?" etc.
Can anyone resonate? Sigh. But thanks for this video. 💯👍
I experienced the same thing in my 30s.. my crowd took a little longer to “settle down” and I never really wanted to or felt the need until they all actually did -and I found myself with no plans on the weekend and with no travel partner. So I started scrambling to find someone and got married myself . In my 40s I’m now divorced.. suddenly some of my old friends who had kids young are now available for travel and going out . I never even thought about that ! In retrospect I should have found younger friends during that time instead of feeling pressured to follow society’s timelines. The traditional nuclear family setup does isolate many people so the need to conform is understandable!
@@AndyJ-le7tp Thanks for the message, appreciate it. Sorry to read about your situation. Can just imagine it's tough. So what is the solution for loneliness? Just focus & build yourself & to go solo in the meantime? And implementing the perspective from the video. OR maybe not to "fight" loneliness. Just to make peace with it.
I mean I’m in my 30s and I come to realize I’m afraid of commitment coming from someone who suffered from cptsd im on my healing journey. But I have an amazing loving bf who is the best thing to ever happen to me. I try not to think of marriage cause I don’t want kids. Also my parents are divorced and h8 each other and I can’t imagine them or family members being in the same room.. so that stresses me out. Most of my friends are married with kids and don’t have time anymore cause everything resolves around their kids. The single ones are busy working ..
sadly I’m finding myself spending less time with friends in general. It’s mostly going to work, bf and family ..
A thing I used to do when corona hit and I wasn't *allowed* to see people, in order to cope with the forced loneliness, I went into a local forest and sat there reading a book, I would not say it worked really well, but atleast for an hour or so I felt that solitude Dr K speaks of, instead of the loneliness.
I'm glad to understand more about my loneliness with these videos, tysm! Also, do you have a more in-depth guide of turning isolation to solitude? I feel like I could learn way more from this ♥
I recommend doing things to improve yourself(good habits), like going to the gym, walk/run, reading, painting, playing an instrument, going to the park and relaxing, you will find it surprising when you do something by yourself how fast time passes. Also don't worry about doing anything well like painting or singing as you are doing it for enjoyment, which leads to a better experience.
@@diegogoulart8735 aka distracting yourself from the sole fact that you are and always will be lonely until your demise as you are reminded that you will be dying in the hospital with no one to visit you or remember you, every cope comes to an end my guy
@@iiCounted-op5jx as long as you enjoyed life and have little to no regrets you will be good
It's incredibly accurate to what is happening to me and explains how I feel. I have a high stress, high conflict job, and at the end of the day, I just want peace and quiet and alone time. I don't want high-energy positive interactions either. However, if I have a day off, I am home alone all day, and I am on the political/news videos, afterwards, I feel the same in the evening. I need no interactions and peace and quiet. It was helpful to understand because I was thinking to myself:"But you have been all day alone!!"
Moved out of home with the age of 19, into a different continent. I can say it builds character, patience and strength. Transformed me from an introvert to an extrovert and built my social skills. The first few years are tough though.
This honestly came at a really good time for me. I had a LDR partner who broke up with me two months ago when I returned to college to continue my undergrad in Electrical Engineering while working a full-time job atm 60-80 hrs/week. I had a lot of ppl I cut out of my life this year because they were toxic, but my partner that I loved breaking up with me and getting with a guy IRL broke my soul. I was feeling emotionally crushed by my workload and emotional baggage yesterday while studying for my final exam in electromagnetics while also recalling lonely thoughts abt my ex.
I've pretty much have been forced into being in solitude by my workload, living by myself, and being single, but after finishing my final exam and doing well I felt a huge heavy load off my chest today and some semblance of peace. This video came out at the right time.