I can’t tell you how valuable this was for my psyche. Not because it explains any shitty romantic relationships. Because it explains my two shitty brothers and how and why they have treated me so shitty my whole life. Thank you!
It is great that you mention that having a personality disorder is having a type of disability. A lot of people does not seem to get that even though it should be obvious in my opinion
Hey milkshake, I have been watching your videos ever since my relationship of 5 years ended,and I must say nothing else really got to the problem as far as me "finding closure" by watching narcissistic videos etc... but the minute I started watching your videos it was like I was watching a documentary of my ex GF Ashley... it's flabbergasting just how alike you guys are. It's quite scary... Lol anyway I just wanted to thank you for giving me some type of closure through all this because I do realize with each video that you do it gets a little bit harder and harder for you to make them. So I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my black soul and say that I appreciate the hard work you'll be putting in! 😉😋
I really appreciate you.. your point of view is helping me move on from my narc ex that discarded me for new supply who just delivered his surprise baby and and is flaunting her on social media as ours was a messy breakup as I figured him cheating with her and he called me crazy n stormed out my life.. thank you for the closure..
I can relate to this so much. Especially being put in a jar without the holes. He wanted me there to take care of him, but wanted to be around other people more. I felt like an appliance. Thank you for the video. It was very well explained.
My ex husband never had affairs or anything thankfully but it made it harder for me to realize that he was likely a narcissist. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, there were double standards, my needs were neglected and sometimes outright mocked, and I was basically his servant on call 24/7. When I stopped being a dormat he got worse and basically forced me to end our marriage due to how miserable he was acting towards me. He didn’t have the guts to end it himself because like you’re saying here, I was his “safety” his unconditional love. But I never was offered that unconditional love back, nope, I was expected to be perfect in every way lol 😂
I think that's the hardest part, to learn and accept you never got that love back. May I ask how long did your marriage last? and did you notice any signs before marrying them?.
@@tigercappy8982 understandable. Hope you didn't beat yourself up for not recognizing those signs. I wish we didn't need the experience to learn to recognize them, but often that's how it goes.
So accurate!! Thank you. This truth fucking sucks. You're right about not being jealous or talking it too personally. My ex husband has cycled through mains over and over since we split. Ugh.. I love your comparison about coming back to shake the half-dead butterfly in the jar. "That fucker still moving? Good.. Bye!" That was beautiful! So true!
I don't think I'm gonna date anymore until I find someone not cluster b. Just ended a...not yet relationship, but almost, with someone who I think might be cluster b. Signs were: -Way too much flattery from day 1 -future faking ("I can see our future together!") -saying they loved me 3 weeks, yes 3, after we met - having anger issues/being angry when I said "no" -saying criptically "I'm not a good guy, you should really stay away from me."
@@specialtwice4975 I feel you’re seeing the red flag, especially where he says “he’s not a good guy” . When they say who they are, believe them. Good luck …I hope you find a good one. They are out there
Your videos are definitely eye opening. You hit the nail on the head every time. It’s like pieces of the puzzle 🧩 are added to the picture with each nugget you share. It’s becoming clearer every day. Many blessings to you.🙏🏾💕😊
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT U JUST DESCRIBED TO A T WHAT MY EX NARC DID .....TILL HE GOT IN TOW WITH THE BUNNY BOILER WHO OUTED HIM & FOLLOWED HIM TO OUR HOUSE LIKE A STRAY DOG OH FUK THE GAME WAS UP THEN IT WAS BUH BUH BYE 🖐🖐🖐👋👋👋
New supply isn’t as stable as I was, they are more like each other. Once I put morals and values pressures onto her, she became bitter snd upset because she was being held accountable for something. Attraction immediately went to zero for the both of us.
Yes! We don’t want you showing us a mirror. We see all the ugly inside of us and have to run. Most of the time it’s towards somebody else who doesn’t know us, YET.
@@letssee9 I believe all of us Cluster B’s would be more honest if we weren’t demonized so much. We crave to be known. We’re just scared AF to be shamed and abandoned when found out. Idk. I still get a little jab of shame when I’m talking but then I say, “F*Kc it.” And continue on.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE but at least in your case. Your honesty makes us appreciate you and you will benefit ftom your courage. I have said some pretty hardh things to my ex after i left. And my reactive abuse stemmed from her constant denial of all she did. You actually remind me of her. She has daid a lot of the things you say , but in bits and pieces here and there. Hearing you say some of this stuff actuallly relieves me and gives me a cartsin kind of closure. I applaud you for your courage. The bigger problems come from those that try to hide a fat elephant in someone's face and say they are just imagining that lil ant sitting outside. Lol just my imagination but maybe there's a Joker for a Harley Quinn. At least they would understand each other. But that's fairytale. Good luck to you
@@letssee9 With my ex, I was the Joker and he was BatMan. Because all we did was f*Kc with each other and find new creative way to cause each other pain. When we were apart (me locked up in Arkham), we were depressed. He would visit me in the asylum, just to look at me in my hugging jacket. When I would escape we’d be happy to cause chaos again. The Joker just abused Harley who was a codependent. Lol
This is very well explained. It makes all I went through make sense. I became his mirror and he couldn't stand the shame and the guilt which he himself told me and he then had to run away and jump into his next supply while I had to deal with the heartbreak and feeling of abandonment, but knowing he will do the same to his current supply gives me some comfort ngl 😅🤭 and I know he will because he still every day online on okcupid fishing for new backups, even though his new supply "understands him better than I ever did", he still can't just be content with her only, and no matter who he is with, he's gotta keep looking for more options to fill his empty cup with holes. We appreciate your insight in these videos!♥
Except for the deplorable way he cheated on me (brought her home, introduced, even tried to move her in), he didn't treat me terribly most of our 10 years. Not like many stories I hear. It was the cheating and the way he did it that crushed me. I'd think he picked her over me and he'd deny that over and over. In his mind, he just wanted both, but no, finally kicked him out. He treated her much worse than me though. Tried to cheat w/ me on her, even after he moved out. Used me to make her jealous. He met his match when he met her though. She might be a borderline, maybe narcissist, but there's defo a PD, so they nuked each other pretty quick.
Really appreciate your honesty cluster. You are fing hilarious too! I do like the sarcastic dark tone too, however, I know that's related to lots of pain.. wish that somehow you could not have to deal with this personality "disorder" I'm the toxic "empath" that's been with my cluster B for 35 years! I left 7 months ago and it's the most painful thing I've ever done!! Your content is helping me understand more about my ex. You seem to have a lot of insight into yourself. I'm trying to figure out why I put up with so much crap for so long. Oh ya, the trauma bond...
Thank You for your comment. ❤️ Remember, a trauma bond is formed because our partner triggered our childhood trauma. Can you think of something about your childhood that felt like “home” to you?
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I had go take a screenshot of your coment, was there anything in your childhood that felt like home‼️Every other places than home‼️Scapegoat of two Narcissistic parents.
It's unfortunately all about childhood trauma. My childhood was too much like Sara's and my mom is a nominal narcissist. I'm loved. Am I loved? No, not loved, just barely maintained. Dr. Phil's words always ringing in my ears: "It's not a good friend, but it's an old friend".
Don’t argue with them guys.. Lean on them like I do… Ask them the tuff questions… Right all up in their SH^+ That way you don’t waste any time with the ones that are not suitable mates:)
Thank you! You read my mind this morning, as I was wondering why he didnt want the fantasy anymore, but kind of friendship (here and there, not comunicating as often as before..) It helps finish the story of my book, haha....I started to loose inspiration...love u 🧡
How long have you been out? It's always our fault in some way. It's hard to understand, until you understand narcissism. It's like Sara keeps saying, they are emotionally immature toddlers, and they can't take responsibility. Not when it's emotionally charged, like w/ us. I told mine I felt like a cross between a houseplant and his landlady. Take care of the bills and keep it all running, and he feeds and waters me. The first 6 years or so it was still pretty loving and affection was there, but he'd been looking to cheat. The girl didn't go for it. Year nine he found another and this one was all in, so kicked out finally, year 10. I'd had enough of other crap. Wasn't going to be the main while he ran around, and that is exactly what he wanted. To stay and play. Nope, Buh bye.
😢 it makes me sad knowing that hes doing this to us right now. Blocking him give us peace but i always think our good times being together. He even forgot his son.
You have to break the cycle. You have to take your power back by taking control of the situation by going no contact. Just as important if not more when children are involved. You have to make a plan so you have minimal contact. 18 court appearances and i walked away with communication through text message only and i do the dropping off for contact and he 's not allowed near my home. Its given me some space to get better and not allow him to control my life by just turning up at my home. It was worth every court attendance, my narc was great in court, gave him a stage regardless of DV. Hopefully if you set your rules and boundaries now it wont get to that stage for you. Keep a diary if you're co parenting but keep emotion out of it. Its evidence if it does go to court.
If i have to choose one or the other, now I'd choose the fantasy. I already did the reality. The fantasy was fun. But now that i know what the deal is, i choose no deal.
@@reignleit7263 Look up C-PTSD. PTSD is trauma related to ONE traumatic event. C-PTSD is related to several traumatic events. This is why we have so many triggers. If you’re abused in childhood (emotional or physical) you never feel safe. You’re always on guard. We’re either fighting, running, or freezing when triggered. It happens automatically. When we become aware of our triggers, we can stop the cycle. But it’s easier and feels safer to just project our pain outwards. At least we don’t have to live with the shame. We give it away to you.
he love bomb me in the beginning about 14 years ago and pursued me relentlessly until i gave in. he didn’t deploy at that point. i didn’t realize what was happening either. and he has a switch bc it just stops. this shit is crazy. i am watching you and mentalhealness videos and i even showed him a few like dude you be doing this.🤯🤯
@@reignleit7263 How did he react to you showing him? Whether or not he was pissed at your finger pointing, he will be thinking about it. My sister pointed her finger at me and I was offended. Lol But that started the journey of self discovery 10 years ago.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE 3 mon NC but your videos really showing me what i need to kno lol it's my closure for myself.. especially coming from a female that knows what she talking about 💙
I found it funny also. The best humor often comes from the truth told in an interesting way. I think it's funny because it's a so damn accurate way to describe it.
Wow I'm the victim and this was a reality check I keep getting the long gaslighting text ending with wish you the best and I always come back but I stopped 😥.
This clarifies things so much. I understand why my ex began having sexual dreams about her situationship FWB once I stopped taking her shit. Still sucks, but it doesn't hurt as much.
🦋 Butterfly metaphor is LMAO 🤣😂 So accurate and sad at the same time I giggled And cryed And I'm just like wtf why would people do this? But I see it's a disorder and I am trying to understand
@@rachelcoloradomy3kidz778 W/ how devastated they make us feel, coupled w/ that frightening lack of empathy when we catch them, I think "cryed" kind of covers it better. Looks/sounds more stark w/ that Y.
I told him at the end that I felt like no better than a houseplant that he'd feed and water. He didn't want me to die after all, you kind of like your plants, but meh, no biggy if they do die. It's that unsettling lack of empathy they have when you catch them cheating and you're devastated. I'd go on this cheating recovery channel, and most of the stories weren't like mine. The husband or wife would more often be really hurt and shocked at how hurt their betrayed spouse was. Not mine. I had no idea then that he had the disorder, and that eerie coldness was so chilling to me. I thought my head was going to end up in a freezer for awhile.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 It is absolutely unbelievable & I think that's part of the reason why we stick around so long. Like the brain can't even process the notion that somebody so close to you doesn't actually care about you like that. It's wild!
@@ccmysmile9687 It's the trauma bond that makes us stick around too long. No our brains definitely can't process that chilling level of not caring. They actually still do, but that switching thing is nothing what our reactions are, and it's devasting to see them switch off on us like that. i t took me another 7 or so months to break that trauma bond when I kicked him out. Even though I knew there was no going back and I didn't want to anyway, that thing hung on. Until I got on Lee's channel (Raw Motivations) and he talks about it so much until I understood what it was. As soon as that realization hit, this huge awful weight came off me and it was finally broken. I'd managed to forgive before that, and couldn't understand why that peace still didn't come. It was the damn trauma bond.
That makes so SENSE and explains SO MUCH! Thank you, you’re awesome! Why do you want the main supply back once they discard you. Why getting obsessed over the main supply when you have other sources? From a narcissist perspective I’m asking, this might not relate with you.
Whether you leave us or we leave you, our abandonment issues are activated. Or emotions are all messed up and we need YOU to regulate them. Once you’re back, we feel calm again. But the cycle will continue. We are BOTH on a roller coaster and neither of us can get off. Not until your person tries to fix their childhood trauma. I couldn’t fix myself while I was with my partners. It would have been for them and not for me. I would probably have faked my way through healing just to be left alone.
It is so helpfull that you let us look into your mind. Before I just couldn't imagine that somebody could be so messed up. Especially when through the love bombing phase you get presentes that so wonderful human being. I am coming to understand that there is nothing I can do for him to heal. Especially not playing that sick game. This really helps me to walk away and know that it is what it takes for both of us to heal. So please keep up your good work in being honest. I really appreciate it.
This is where the narcissist tests the person. Are u going to leave if the mask comes off. If not then perhaps u qualify as the care giver. The narcissist holds onto your leg, steps out a bit, turns around ur still there. They take a few more steps outward, turn and ur still there. Soemtimes they come back. It's like the kids who are living in an apartment. They come by and visit the parent every now and then. Then leave back out into the world.
When ur in one fantasy u want the share fantasy when ur in the shared fantasy you want the main fantasy. This is a physical place the narcissist settled down in. Home etc. Once the narcissist HAS both. They can be very Content. Eventually friction happens. Ppl make demands etc they evolve, learn new things. This kills the enchantment for the narcissist, so they want to exit the shared fantasy and get a new one.
Not being what was in the beginning.. I told her about how we met how she was etc. She says I DONT CAREEEE. THAT WAS THEN THIS IS NOW. I'M NOT THAT PERSON. I'm like WTH? Like u once were and got older? Or u just NEVER was? As in u invented a whole @ss person just to get my attention and retain it???
Also this is what's known as novelty seeking. Like a new car. It wears off. Bc u see and interact with it alllll the time. The less of soemthing u see and use the more u enjoy its newness if u will..
Yeah, it was very helpful. OK, I may have given her "stability", but she didn't realise it was all due to the distance in OUR relationship. I would (and did) walk the moment I figured out what was happening. She didn't understand that I just wanted to get my walking papers from her.
I was the fantasy being long distance 3,000 miles then the unlikely miracle of meeting in person and actually getting married and becoming the reality and experiencing all the fantasy love bombing for first 11 months of the marriage before the sudden switch to devalue and then getting the back and forth hot cold crumb tossing so I see how the fantasy cannot become the reality because the reality can never live up to the fantasy and once they realize that you're f@#$$
My guy seemed to get high when he would get attention from women at work and with his friends. That made him feel high...better about himself. All he did was lie and pretend to be someone he is not to get attention and approval from others who, unlike me, didnt know the real him.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I do not think he ever had a solid identity. He often changed his goals, job and interests. He was very much in his own world, loved avoiding the real world. The only consistant trait I saw was his anger and tendency to get defensive over any percieved slight. It used to shock me how far from reality his thoughts were. He always thought he knew better than everybody else about everything. I used to tell him you know we can talk about our problems without arguments and it was like he could not understand the basics of real communication not involving word salad and circular arguments. To sum up, I have no idea who the fuck I lived with for ten years.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE you didn't ask me this question I know, but I dealt with the same thing. I believe my real ex was a scared little boy afraid of who he really is, and afraid most people would hurt him. So he used his mask to mask that and put on a show for people who didn't know him like I knew him. I don't think he even knew his real self yet felt shame when I pointed it out to him which made him furious with me. He denied my existence when I spoke or had feelings. He expected a mommy who would be there for his every need no matter what. He threw temper tantrums or silence when I tried to hold him accountable or gave a consequence nomatter how small. He wanted me to treat him like I did my daughter, but I told him he was my partner AND my daughter didn't do the things he did. In the end he was an approval seeker by any means necessary and selfish and self centered scared little boy. But also abusive and very neglectful in many ways. That's the real him.
I think maybe bc when you do get unconditional love you no longer believe in the mirror. You dont love yourself and when someone does you lose all respect for them possibly. I think reality is the enemy bc with reality comes everything thats hidden away and compartmentalized, which is the true self and all the hurt and suppressed issues that never got resolved. Just speculating of course.
ec f-ing zacktly the shared fantasy is the key feature and the confused (not being able to separate job from at home) disorderly sallad of the narcs life
This evidance of having none to lead to the light, no forgiveness, no morals no father figure to lead them away from lies, to help them live holy so what happens? They go into dark hypnosis.
This is a play by play of my relationship with my ex narc!! But tell her she's a narc, oh hell no she'll say I am the narc! I'm looking forward to the day her new supply, the heroin junkie she left me for will one day be in my shoes 🤣 unless he dumps her first 🤣
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I don't think I'm jealous of their relationship, just pissed how it all went down. I know she can't keep up the mask forever. Thank you for your videos!!
I think that it’s just because of the addiction to “the cycle?” It has everything to do with chemicals in the body and “low levels”, needing to go get a “fix” from a “new drug” for a new high.. Ya think? It’s pretty hard to be turned on by someone that is now more like a parental figure than a hot partner. And in the same way it’s really hard to be turned on when we feel like we dealing with an Adult Child that’s a mean spoiled brat. .
New High=New Fantasy Yeah, we don’t have romantic feelings for a caregiver. That’s why codependents get trashed. It’s not sexy. I started to become my ex bf’s caregiver. That’s when I knew it was over.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE how the hell do we stay out of the caregiver phase then. Lol Like, you just can't live with them? The narcissist lives in one house and I live in another? That barrier ie distance allows the narcissist to relax bc it's much safer and you're not constantly seeing them??
Wow! Thanks for the clear and entertaining explanation. So the lovey dovey is fantasy and reality is taking care of a poorly behaved toddler. Suspected as much, thanks for the clarity. Question - unrelated? Is a self aware narcissist someone who knows they are a narcissist and wants to improve their behaviors - OR is it someone who knows they are a narcissist and enjoys the mental games? Maybe a bit of both?
There's stages to self awareness. 1) You realize there's something not normal going on inside you. 2) You start digging into what it could be. 3) You figure out that you have something that you don't quite understand bc all the victim channels aren't talking about you. 4) You can get angry and rebel. Hurting people on purpose. You think I'm a monster? Ok, I'll show you a monster. 5) You start digging into why you are this way. 6) You want to fix what you can but keep failing. 7) You isolate. Become depressed. Seek help (therapists, groups, books). 8) Or you hide within yourself and live out your life, causing unintentional pain to others.
Why does the Narc hate stability and happiness and someone giving you EVERYTHING??? My ex- Narc wanted me to marry her so I did. Moved to her city, gave up my 20 year career for her, family and friends…. And it still wasn’t enough. 6 months into the marriage she was cheating….. again. I just do not for the life of me understand narcissist and cluster b’s.
Stability is not happiness. Fantasy is happiness. When you give up your life for us, we won’t take responsibility for that. We’ll tell you that it was your choice to shelf your life for us. Now this IS true but it’s because you love us. You want to be our everything. But we don’t obsess over a care giver.
I'm the fantasy & I must say- it's horrid. His view of me is nothing like I am. It's been 3yrs and his lovebombing keeps coming around in phases. I also think this is the most deluded and offensive. U can just NOT get thru to the fantasy projector
Remember, we don’t see you (or others) for who you are. You are supplying a need and when you lose value (devalued), we look towards the next shiny toy (who is idealized and unflawed). With lack of empathy, there is no respect. That would mean we understand how hurt you would feel. No awareness means No F*kcs Given.
Would you say it's possible for a woman to break up with main for a fantasy situationship for that fantasy to eventually become main and old main become fantasy again? We have a child and she's toxic sex addict, we always have had chemistry but doesn't have sex with me now cause she thinks ill tell her fantasy who shes trying to make step dad main. Saids she's only cptsd but there is no way she's not cluster b. I think she lied to therapist, also thoughts on that if you think it's common for ppl to lie to therapist and get misdiagnosed? Ps I should ask this on a live but I always miss them. Also I appreciate your videos alot!
Sometimes you show regret/disgust for the behaviors you explain, and other times you almost seem to justify them. The latter times I have a difficult time discerning where your mind is when you describe some of this stuff. On this one I got a distinct feeling that this is one of those that you know is flat out wrong even though you don't know why it's a thing. Good topic though. And very relevant to many of your viewers I'm sure. I know it resonated with me. Thanks.
I won't lie but you just said that is killing me inside. I got into an argument with my ex when we were at Peter Piper Pizza because she was in an app called WhatsApp and I could have sworn a thousand piston positive I seen her erase a message from a man and she sat there and tried to tell me it was her dad I told her open the phone back up she did our dad's message was still there and I don't know nothing about that app I don't know if you can create fake numbers from that app or what you do with that app but this hurts like hell just to even think that she was talking with someone else and this is why I don't want to relationship again I don't want to be with somebody and deal with these problems I'm too loving I'm too caring and I'm too trusting narcissists are such an evil people
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE well I do apologize I don't mean that hurtful in any way, yes deceitful she's very deceitful. How do you move on after a narcissist and the trauma bond I keep trying to find that video and I cannot find that video? She's gone no contact honestly I'd be surprised that she lets me see the kids again she knows I can't take her to court she knows we'll lose them and it does hurt because I love her and I honestly thought she loved me but after watching your videos I'm starting to realize was never love and I can't help but wonder did she really have somebody there on the side the whole time it's killing me inside to think like that but I have to face reality
@@ChevyC-jo9pw Watch the truth about the trauma bond and the C-ptsd video. I didn't always have a side piece. Jesus. Stop making up sh*t about your ex to hurt yourself further, please. I did have great care for all my long term partners. It just doesn't last because I was always hiding within myself.
Cluster b spectrum so sad and difficult for all but would you choose to be a norm if you could....? As much as I wish to be 'normal' and have what they have it looks so f dull....... (Childhood trauma aside)
I really like this video...this is what I thought all along. Thank you for putting your words on it. A question: can you have your main person and have your fun with them too? (Instead of cheating, bring fantasies to life together) Or do you NEED all the hiding, cheating and shit? :)) Wish you the best :)
Oh course you can have fun with your Main person. It's not all doom and gloom. But they can't be your fantasy person bc the mystery is gone. The pretending is gone. You already ruined the script of who you were supposed to be. Not all narcissists cheat. Some cope with alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, work, etc.
@@Bond10000 In a healthy relationship, it still comes back from time to time. You get glimmers. But it really doesn't need to, because solid love is much better than new, infatuation and highly intense new love. Mature people realize that's exhausting to stay in that state.
Trust me, you don't want to "be the fantasy" again. It feels gross. We'd been 8 yrs and things had gotten stale, the sex was gone for awhile. Largely the way he'd been acting, but we hung in, or so I thought. He started cheating and when I found out, lots of lies to say it was "just an emotional affair" and close call. So I got suckered and gave it a last chance. I worked on my end, didn't blame it all on him and I found love for him again. Our sex life re-connected, but it was nasty. It was nothing like before, and I wasn't loved anymore. It wasn't anything terrible or freaky that he did. It was the feeling that I got. Something was very off, and I sensed strongly that I was turned into some sort of fantasy f*ck. So no, be careful what you wish for. You really don't want to be the fantasy when you love someone and they are supposed to love you. I wasn't loved anymore, and he wasn't really w/ me anymore. Of course it went on that he went back w/ the girl and I found out it was physical all along. He tried to stay yet again and I turfed him. He was still lying the whole way I'm stuffing him reluctantly out the door.
I don’t know what I’m doing. Lol I just wanted people to know why we are the way we are and that it’s not their fault. Also that we did have love for them.
So is Reality or main supply a spouse? Or full time partner.. and fantasy is just someone you cheat with? Is it possible to wear a mask and the spouse never see that side?
One thing that happened in my relationship was of course multiple affairs, some for several years, most with my friends. But I'm a bisexual woman, who is always been open to exploring anything. Whether it be polyamory or you know I don't want to go into detail but I'm sure you can figure it out. And he would want to talk about the fantasy and get excited about the fantasy but never want to do the fantasy just do it behind my back so was it the thrill of humiliating me and deceiving me that made him be so devious? Or is he just so incredibly insecure that he wouldn't be able to handle reality in his face?
Darn, was hoping Sara would answer this one, and maybe w/ a bump she'll get to see it. I'll take a wack at it in the meantime. They get bored, like she's said, so extra thrills w/ the sneaking. As soon as we bought a house, my ex started closet drinking. He drank in front of me, no real reason. I thought it was because I was getting on him for drinking more and not working anymore. Of course they are Peter Pan, and you can't tell them nothing. It was more the thrill of sneaking. He claims to not remember now, but he actually admitted that he had a lot of fun w/ sneaking alcohol in and putting it over on me. It was a nightmare for me. Then there was the porn. He probably watched it all the more just because I hated it. If he wasn't sneaking alcohol, it was porn. Never knew what I'd walk up on. Started to feel like a shellshocked soldier, because my home was a minefield. So yeah, they do seem to like to be devious, and sneaking is fun. Sneaking w/ his affair started a few years later. That's when I ended it. Whatever is opposite. You were into the swinging or whatever, so he would sneak. Mine brought his bimbo home to meet me, w/ a cover story that I bought initially. Maximum fun for them.
It wasn't until the very end of our relationship that I realized my ex used me as the other woman BECAUSE the spouse didn't like me. That's the whole reason they confessed their feelings for me, well that and supply. Like, that is sooo twisted. Who thinks like that? Oh right, they do. Anyway, it was WILD to realize the circus show after the dust settled. The fact that everything has been a fun game since day 1 and all the plans, promises, and futures we discussed on the phone or out on a date together was a lie. What "we" wanted were for naught. And even now, I'm sure there is some stuff I still don't know about. That's the sick part. You'll never know how far their game goes. And even if you find out, then they'll just create a new whole game. It's just impossible to wrap your head around. Yes, they are that sneaky. Wild, just wild.
@@specialtwice4975 That's really confusing and I'm not sure what you meant at the beginning. Were you w/ a married person,whose spouse didn't like you?
Sort of, they were dating, had been together for years. In the beginning, the partner didn't like me, looking back now, probably due to jealousy. Anyways, Npd will always look for new people for their harem and I guess I was ripe for picking. Insert, love bombing, future faking, lying "My partner and my relationship isn't good anymore wahhhhh" then "my partner and I broke up" and then we became a couple.
It is my ego death that my person wouldnt become aware for me but would become aware for someone else. I feel as awful as Ive seen you sound in your videos so I guess he really did leave the scars he wanted to leave behind
I wouldn't become fully aware for anyone. I had to lose everyone before that happened. The only thing someone could do if they wanted to was to stop being violent. That is a conscious choice.
Extremely helpful. I discarded the gf narc after 15 months. I was not aware she was a narc nor what a narc was. My intuition and red flags gave me all the symptoms to get the hell out. Sudden rage, criticism, controlling, selfish, verbally abusive, and the last time she became physically abusive. It all started going down hill when I started becoming aware of her symptoms. At some point they start treating you like their servant . The narc does not appreciate anything snd has no feelings. The narc drains your energy and you loose the things you enjoyed prior to meeting them. The narc consumes you, devalues you, uses you. I do not see any value with a narc since everything is fake and selfish on their part.
I did appreciate my ex husband and I tried to do many things to show him that appreciation. It just becomes too overwhelming and it's easier to release the demon then suffer with it within. I do have feelings, too many actually. Demonizing us is supposed to make you feel better. Does it? I believe if you took the time to understand WHY we do these things, you'll be able to heal faster. The hate you feel is only turning you to the Dark Side, Annie.
Great explanation Milkshake! Just wondering..when a narcissist gets a main new supply, do they typically still have a backup supply in case that fails, or only when devaluation sets in? Do they cheat in the love bombing too? Thanks for the videos!
Everyone with a personality disorder is different. Some don't cheat at all. Some always need someone on the side to "play" with. Some don't have anyone else until the end draws near. And some use the shelving till they can find a new person to obsess over when YOU decide to leave.
I have heard of cheating when the person is getting married, or right after. You hear it w/ movie stars too, and there's a high incidence of narcissism w/ them. When I kicked mine out for cheating, he finally told me his dark history w/ serial cheating. He was going to cheat on his wife right before they got married. Just cuz, and he made steps to find someone. Was so proud of himself that he didn't carry through w/ it. I was appalled. People w/ PD's are as varied as the rest of us in their actual personality. It does seem most narcissists cheat though.
Yes, males are like this too. But we all have different ways of riding the cycle. Some take longer to move away from their “main” and some do it quick. Some are abusive physically, some are not. Some cheat, some don’t (but may become destructive in other ways). But I believe we all like having the comfort of a “main” person for security. But we’re all struggling inside And projecting our pain to the outside world.
In terms of fantasy Miss Milkshake, you appear to be a Star Wars fan. I’m curious what you think of the Disney sequels, overseen by Kathleen Kennedy, a narcissist. Just curious! 🤔
Completely Agree- once you're disrespected by another- that's your cue to go away
- far away!
I can’t tell you how valuable this was for my psyche. Not because it explains any shitty romantic relationships. Because it explains my two shitty brothers and how and why they have treated me so shitty my whole life. Thank you!
It is great that you mention that having a personality disorder is having a type of disability. A lot of people does not seem to get that even though it should be obvious in my opinion
Hey milkshake, I have been watching your videos ever since my relationship of 5 years ended,and I must say nothing else really got to the problem as far as me "finding closure" by watching narcissistic videos etc... but the minute I started watching your videos it was like I was watching a documentary of my ex GF Ashley... it's flabbergasting just how alike you guys are. It's quite scary... Lol anyway I just wanted to thank you for giving me some type of closure through all this because I do realize with each video that you do it gets a little bit harder and harder for you to make them. So I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my black soul and say that I appreciate the hard work you'll be putting in! 😉😋
Thank you, David! 🌈
I really appreciate you.. your point of view is helping me move on from my narc ex that discarded me for new supply who just delivered his surprise baby and and is flaunting her on social media as ours was a messy breakup as I figured him cheating with her and he called me crazy n stormed out my life.. thank you for the closure..
*OMG Every time I see that **_"Raw Doggin"_** T-Shirt offer I hit the floor. In my day we called it **_"Bare Ballin."_** hahaha LOL*
That was gold! And that Mr.Chicken is one bad ass sumabitch!
I can relate to this so much. Especially being put in a jar without the holes. He wanted me there to take care of him, but wanted to be around other people more. I felt like an appliance. Thank you for the video. It was very well explained.
That was the best explanation , ( and funniest of the discard) , I ever heard !
I don't want to be either of them.
My ex husband never had affairs or anything thankfully but it made it harder for me to realize that he was likely a narcissist. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, there were double standards, my needs were neglected and sometimes outright mocked, and I was basically his servant on call 24/7. When I stopped being a dormat he got worse and basically forced me to end our marriage due to how miserable he was acting towards me. He didn’t have the guts to end it himself because like you’re saying here, I was his “safety” his unconditional love. But I never was offered that unconditional love back, nope, I was expected to be perfect in every way lol 😂
I think that's the hardest part, to learn and accept you never got that love back. May I ask how long did your marriage last? and did you notice any signs before marrying them?.
@@Predictable1 12 years. Oh yes there were signs and my young naive self did not know what they were at the time.
@@tigercappy8982 understandable. Hope you didn't beat yourself up for not recognizing those signs. I wish we didn't need the experience to learn to recognize them, but often that's how it goes.
He HAD affairs, oh yeah! Don't be naive...
@@NMTDelightfulMusicNot all Narcs cheat physically anyway..
So accurate!! Thank you. This truth fucking sucks. You're right about not being jealous or talking it too personally. My ex husband has cycled through mains over and over since we split. Ugh..
I love your comparison about coming back to shake the half-dead butterfly in the jar. "That fucker still moving? Good.. Bye!"
That was beautiful! So true!
I don’t date anymore. My life is calm. Less exciting, for sure, but happier overall. It’s just not worth it anymore.
Your videos are very enlightening
I don't think I'm gonna date anymore until I find someone not cluster b. Just ended a...not yet relationship, but almost, with someone who I think might be cluster b.
Signs were:
-Way too much flattery from day 1
-future faking ("I can see our future together!")
-saying they loved me 3 weeks, yes 3, after we met
- having anger issues/being angry when I said "no"
-saying criptically "I'm not a good guy, you should really stay away from me."
@@specialtwice4975
I feel you’re seeing the red flag, especially where he says “he’s not a good guy” . When they say who they are, believe them. Good luck …I hope you find a good one. They are out there
He told me numerous times hes not a good guy but I ignored him for 10 years.
Your videos are definitely eye opening. You hit the nail on the head every time. It’s like pieces of the puzzle 🧩 are added to the picture with each nugget you share. It’s becoming clearer every day. Many blessings to you.🙏🏾💕😊
I definitely felt like the responsible parent and not the equal partner. Ever.
Oh yes, and yes some more.
This is literally too amazing of an explaination
Absolutely love your videos! Your truth is a punch in my gut every time.
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT U JUST DESCRIBED TO A T WHAT MY EX NARC DID .....TILL HE GOT IN TOW WITH THE BUNNY BOILER WHO OUTED HIM & FOLLOWED HIM TO OUR HOUSE LIKE A STRAY DOG OH FUK THE GAME WAS UP THEN IT WAS BUH BUH BYE 🖐🖐🖐👋👋👋
Good. Most people would give their partners a second chance.
New supply isn’t as stable as I was, they are more like each other. Once I put morals and values pressures onto her, she became bitter snd upset because she was being held accountable for something. Attraction immediately went to zero for the both of us.
Yes! We don’t want you showing us a mirror. We see all the ugly inside of us and have to run. Most of the time it’s towards somebody else who doesn’t know us, YET.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE having been on the other side of it, I have to say your clarity is awesome!
@@letssee9 I believe all of us Cluster B’s would be more honest if we weren’t demonized so much. We crave to be known. We’re just scared AF to be shamed and abandoned when found out. Idk. I still get a little jab of shame when I’m talking but then I say, “F*Kc it.” And continue on.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE but at least in your case. Your honesty makes us appreciate you and you will benefit ftom your courage. I have said some pretty hardh things to my ex after i left. And my reactive abuse stemmed from her constant denial of all she did. You actually remind me of her. She has daid a lot of the things you say , but in bits and pieces here and there. Hearing you say some of this stuff actuallly relieves me and gives me a cartsin kind of closure. I applaud you for your courage. The bigger problems come from those that try to hide a fat elephant in someone's face and say they are just imagining that lil ant sitting outside. Lol just my imagination but maybe there's a Joker for a Harley Quinn. At least they would understand each other. But that's fairytale. Good luck to you
@@letssee9 With my ex, I was the Joker and he was BatMan. Because all we did was f*Kc with each other and find new creative way to cause each other pain. When we were apart (me locked up in Arkham), we were depressed. He would visit me in the asylum, just to look at me in my hugging jacket. When I would escape we’d be happy to cause chaos again.
The Joker just abused Harley who was a codependent. Lol
This is very well explained. It makes all I went through make sense. I became his mirror and he couldn't stand the shame and the guilt which he himself told me and he then had to run away and jump into his next supply while I had to deal with the heartbreak and feeling of abandonment, but knowing he will do the same to his current supply gives me some comfort ngl 😅🤭 and I know he will because he still every day online on okcupid fishing for new backups, even though his new supply "understands him better than I ever did", he still can't just be content with her only, and no matter who he is with, he's gotta keep looking for more options to fill his empty cup with holes.
We appreciate your insight in these videos!♥
Except for the deplorable way he cheated on me (brought her home, introduced, even tried to move her in), he didn't treat me terribly most of our 10 years. Not like many stories I hear. It was the cheating and the way he did it that crushed me. I'd think he picked her over me and he'd deny that over and over. In his mind, he just wanted both, but no, finally kicked him out. He treated her much worse than me though. Tried to cheat w/ me on her, even after he moved out. Used me to make her jealous. He met his match when he met her though. She might be a borderline, maybe narcissist, but there's defo a PD, so they nuked each other pretty quick.
Really appreciate your honesty cluster. You are fing hilarious too! I do like the sarcastic dark tone too, however, I know that's related to lots of pain.. wish that somehow you could not have to deal with this personality "disorder" I'm the toxic "empath" that's been with my cluster B for 35 years! I left 7 months ago and it's the most painful thing I've ever done!! Your content is helping me understand more about my ex. You seem to have a lot of insight into yourself. I'm trying to figure out why I put up with so much crap for so long. Oh ya, the trauma bond...
Thank You for your comment. ❤️ Remember, a trauma bond is formed because our partner triggered our childhood trauma. Can you think of something about your childhood that felt like “home” to you?
Great reply Cluster!! Yes they triggered our childhood trauma!! 💜💜💜👍👍👍🇬🇧
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I had go take a screenshot of your coment, was there anything in your childhood that felt like home‼️Every other places than home‼️Scapegoat of two Narcissistic parents.
Toxic co dependent is more like it.
It's unfortunately all about childhood trauma. My childhood was too much like Sara's and my mom is a nominal narcissist. I'm loved. Am I loved? No, not loved, just barely maintained. Dr. Phil's words always ringing in my ears: "It's not a good friend, but it's an old friend".
Don’t argue with them guys..
Lean on them like I do…
Ask them the tuff questions…
Right all up in their SH^+
That way you don’t waste any time with the ones that are not suitable mates:)
Thank you! You read my mind this morning, as I was wondering why he didnt want the fantasy anymore, but kind of friendship (here and there, not comunicating as often as before..)
It helps finish the story of my book, haha....I started to loose inspiration...love u 🧡
❤️❤️❤️
❤i too, cant get s straight answer from my narc, if he was so in love with her, why did he give her up so easily?
I went through this. If I asked why I was “in the jar” it was my fault. I’m still trying to unravel the emotional damage
How long have you been out? It's always our fault in some way. It's hard to understand, until you understand narcissism. It's like Sara keeps saying, they are emotionally immature toddlers, and they can't take responsibility. Not when it's emotionally charged, like w/ us. I told mine I felt like a cross between a houseplant and his landlady. Take care of the bills and keep it all running, and he feeds and waters me. The first 6 years or so it was still pretty loving and affection was there, but he'd been looking to cheat. The girl didn't go for it. Year nine he found another and this one was all in, so kicked out finally, year 10. I'd had enough of other crap. Wasn't going to be the main while he ran around, and that is exactly what he wanted. To stay and play. Nope, Buh bye.
Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday
“Poor Soul.”
“Must have been more than you could bare.”
I like it how wise you choose the title of your videos. Your content is usually new.
You want your cake and to eat it too, both ends against the middle, is a losing game.
Martin Armstrong says that about our entire financial system and system structures of government.
Think about that and let it soak in…
😢 it makes me sad knowing that hes doing this to us right now. Blocking him give us peace but i always think our good times being together. He even forgot his son.
you explained this perfectly.
You have to break the cycle. You have to take your power back by taking control of the situation by going no contact. Just as important if not more when children are involved. You have to make a plan so you have minimal contact. 18 court appearances and i walked away with communication through text message only and i do the dropping off for contact and he 's not allowed near my home. Its given me some space to get better and not allow him to control my life by just turning up at my home.
It was worth every court attendance, my narc was great in court, gave him a stage regardless of DV.
Hopefully if you set your rules and boundaries now it wont get to that stage for you. Keep a diary if you're co parenting but keep emotion out of it. Its evidence if it does go to court.
And the narc is always the nightmare!
Brutal truth......only way to get the point across good job
Everybody wake up n smell the fkn coffee ,🤣🙏
This is exactly how it is! lol...Watch out for that fantasy! She Gone!
If i have to choose one or the other, now I'd choose the fantasy. I already did the reality. The fantasy was fun. But now that i know what the deal is, i choose no deal.
I hear that! 🎉
Choose someone healthy that can love and give you the respect you deserve.
@@explorer0213 that's the best choice, but not an option in the question. You are correct.
Good word Sarah
That's that MCR line "Gaze into her killing jar I'd sometimes stare for hours. She even poked the holes so I can breathe"
Just hugs. This was a great video and really helpful. Keep em coming!
I'm about to binge watch all your videos...wow. why havent I discovered you sooner !!
Like my baby dady telling me "stop talking to me like my mom! You're not my mom!".
that’s exactly how i feel ☹️, like i’ve been put onto a shelf on display or some shit
Are you going to keep letting him come visit your jar?
i’m married with 3 kids 🥲. i’ve been married for 12 years and i’m just realizing what the hell is happening. i though he had ptsd or something else
@@reignleit7263 Look up C-PTSD.
PTSD is trauma related to ONE traumatic event. C-PTSD is related to several traumatic events. This is why we have so many triggers.
If you’re abused in childhood (emotional or physical) you never feel safe. You’re always on guard. We’re either fighting, running, or freezing when triggered. It happens automatically.
When we become aware of our triggers, we can stop the cycle. But it’s easier and feels safer to just project our pain outwards. At least we don’t have to live with the shame. We give it away to you.
he love bomb me in the beginning about 14 years ago and pursued me relentlessly until i gave in. he didn’t deploy at that point. i didn’t realize what was happening either. and he has a switch bc it just stops. this shit is crazy. i am watching you and mentalhealness videos and i even showed him a few like dude you be doing this.🤯🤯
@@reignleit7263 How did he react to you showing him?
Whether or not he was pissed at your finger pointing, he will be thinking about it.
My sister pointed her finger at me and I was offended. Lol But that started the journey of self discovery 10 years ago.
Everyday I watch your videos it helps me get thru my shit .. like so much clarity 💙😉
That makes me happy! 🌈 I want to be helpful. ❤️
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE 3 mon NC but your videos really showing me what i need to kno lol it's my closure for myself.. especially coming from a female that knows what she talking about 💙
The butterfly jars was funny but i have a twisted sense of humor lol
I found it funny also. The best humor often comes from the truth told in an interesting way. I think it's funny because it's a so damn accurate way to describe it.
Yep. That was my life. Not anymore though.
Wow I'm the victim and this was a reality check I keep getting the long gaslighting text ending with wish you the best and I always come back but I stopped 😥.
They triggered YOUR abandonment issues with threatening to leave you forever.
I’m much better as an idea anyways. ✨ I don’t think most people can take the reality of me tbh
This clarifies things so much. I understand why my ex began having sexual dreams about her situationship FWB once I stopped taking her shit.
Still sucks, but it doesn't hurt as much.
God damn, it's so dark in here.. I like it 😎
Thanks for explaining CBM ❤
🦋 Butterfly metaphor is LMAO 🤣😂 So accurate and sad at the same time I giggled And cryed And I'm just like wtf why would people do this? But I see it's a disorder and I am trying to understand
Cried*
@@rachelcoloradomy3kidz778 W/ how devastated they make us feel, coupled w/ that frightening lack of empathy when we catch them, I think "cryed" kind of covers it better. Looks/sounds more stark w/ that Y.
I was literally saying I feel like a bird in a box with no holes. This is just mind blowing 🤯
I told him at the end that I felt like no better than a houseplant that he'd feed and water. He didn't want me to die after all, you kind of like your plants, but meh, no biggy if they do die. It's that unsettling lack of empathy they have when you catch them cheating and you're devastated. I'd go on this cheating recovery channel, and most of the stories weren't like mine. The husband or wife would more often be really hurt and shocked at how hurt their betrayed spouse was. Not mine. I had no idea then that he had the disorder, and that eerie coldness was so chilling to me. I thought my head was going to end up in a freezer for awhile.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 It is absolutely unbelievable & I think that's part of the reason why we stick around so long. Like the brain can't even process the notion that somebody so close to you doesn't actually care about you like that. It's wild!
@@ccmysmile9687 It's the trauma bond that makes us stick around too long. No our brains definitely can't process that chilling level of not caring. They actually still do, but that switching thing is nothing what our reactions are, and it's devasting to see them switch off on us like that. i
t took me another 7 or so months to break that trauma bond when I kicked him out. Even though I knew there was no going back and I didn't want to anyway, that thing hung on. Until I got on Lee's channel (Raw Motivations) and he talks about it so much until I understood what it was. As soon as that realization hit, this huge awful weight came off me and it was finally broken. I'd managed to forgive before that, and couldn't understand why that peace still didn't come. It was the damn trauma bond.
Noo a man goes to the fantasy island and put his sausage in a bun over there he found 😂😂😂🤣😆
That makes so SENSE and explains SO MUCH! Thank you, you’re awesome!
Why do you want the main supply back once they discard you. Why getting obsessed over the main supply when you have other sources? From a narcissist perspective I’m asking, this might not relate with you.
Whether you leave us or we leave you, our abandonment issues are activated. Or emotions are all messed up and we need YOU to regulate them. Once you’re back, we feel calm again. But the cycle will continue.
We are BOTH on a roller coaster and neither of us can get off. Not until your person tries to fix their childhood trauma.
I couldn’t fix myself while I was with my partners. It would have been for them and not for me. I would probably have faked my way through healing just to be left alone.
It is so helpfull that you let us look into your mind. Before I just couldn't imagine that somebody could be so messed up. Especially when through the love bombing phase you get presentes that so wonderful human being. I am coming to understand that there is nothing I can do for him to heal. Especially not playing that sick game. This really helps me to walk away and know that it is what it takes for both of us to heal. So please keep up your good work in being honest. I really appreciate it.
Jesus f ing Christ this same thing f-ed me up for good with my last relationship (I was the main).
This is where the narcissist tests the person. Are u going to leave if the mask comes off. If not then perhaps u qualify as the care giver.
The narcissist holds onto your leg, steps out a bit, turns around ur still there. They take a few more steps outward, turn and ur still there. Soemtimes they come back.
It's like the kids who are living in an apartment. They come by and visit the parent every now and then. Then leave back out into the world.
When ur in one fantasy u want the share fantasy when ur in the shared fantasy you want the main fantasy. This is a physical place the narcissist settled down in. Home etc.
Once the narcissist HAS both. They can be very Content. Eventually friction happens. Ppl make demands etc they evolve, learn new things. This kills the enchantment for the narcissist, so they want to exit the shared fantasy and get a new one.
Not being what was in the beginning..
I told her about how we met how she was etc. She says I DONT CAREEEE. THAT WAS THEN THIS IS NOW. I'M NOT THAT PERSON.
I'm like WTH? Like u once were and got older? Or u just NEVER was? As in u invented a whole @ss person just to get my attention and retain it???
Also this is what's known as novelty seeking. Like a new car. It wears off. Bc u see and interact with it alllll the time. The less of soemthing u see and use the more u enjoy its newness if u will..
@@daviedood2503 Yes. Mine said “It can’t be like that all the time”
I love your voice it’s so soothing you would be great in doing ASMR ❤️
What’s ASMR? 🤔
And THANK YOU! 😍
U r very helpful, not sure my soon to b x could ever b this self aware....or chooses not to be
Yeah, it was very helpful. OK, I may have given her "stability", but she didn't realise it was all due to the distance in OUR relationship. I would (and did) walk the moment I figured out what was happening. She didn't understand that I just wanted to get my walking papers from her.
I was the fantasy being long distance 3,000 miles then the unlikely miracle of meeting in person and actually getting married and becoming the reality and experiencing all the fantasy love bombing for first 11 months of the marriage before the sudden switch to devalue and then getting the back and forth hot cold crumb tossing so I see how the fantasy cannot become the reality because the reality can never live up to the fantasy and once they realize that you're f@#$$
Holy shit that’s brilliant. So true
U just literally described the end of my marriage 4 months ago.
My guy seemed to get high when he would get attention from women at work and with his friends. That made him feel high...better about himself. All he did was lie and pretend to be someone he is not to get attention and approval from others who, unlike me, didnt know the real him.
Who do you think was the real him? Since there is no self, what mask do you believe was real?
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I do not think he ever had a solid identity. He often changed his goals, job and interests. He was very much in his own world, loved avoiding the real world. The only consistant trait I saw was his anger and tendency to get defensive over any percieved slight. It used to shock me how far from reality his thoughts were. He always thought he knew better than everybody else about everything. I used to tell him you know we can talk about our problems without arguments and it was like he could not understand the basics of real communication not involving word salad and circular arguments. To sum up, I have no idea who the fuck I lived with for ten years.
@@barbarafordham9185 We don’t want to look at the nothingness so we sure aren’t going to open up about it. Fear/vulnerability equals weakness. 👎🏻
Same girl!
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE you didn't ask me this question I know, but I dealt with the same thing. I believe my real ex was a scared little boy afraid of who he really is, and afraid most people would hurt him. So he used his mask to mask that and put on a show for people who didn't know him like I knew him. I don't think he even knew his real self yet felt shame when I pointed it out to him which made him furious with me. He denied my existence when I spoke or had feelings. He expected a mommy who would be there for his every need no matter what. He threw temper tantrums or silence when I tried to hold him accountable or gave a consequence nomatter how small. He wanted me to treat him like I did my daughter, but I told him he was my partner AND my daughter didn't do the things he did. In the end he was an approval seeker by any means necessary and selfish and self centered scared little boy. But also abusive and very neglectful in many ways. That's the real him.
I’m no longer either. She dumped me. 🙏
butterfly jar metaphor rocks
I think maybe bc when you do get unconditional love you no longer believe in the mirror. You dont love yourself and when someone does you lose all respect for them possibly. I think reality is the enemy bc with reality comes everything thats hidden away and compartmentalized, which is the true self and all the hurt and suppressed issues that never got resolved. Just speculating of course.
Very helpfull and interesting, thanks ‼️
I wanna be both!!!!!!
very helpful!
This was veeerrrryyy helpful, thank you!!!
❤️
Keep up the good work.. hope God can help you heal from this disorder.. 🙏 ❤
Heal completely? No. But I'm working on being better everyday. 💗
Wow, you described me down to a T....even though that I am a b*rderliner
ec f-ing zacktly the shared fantasy is the key feature and the confused (not being able to separate job from at home) disorderly sallad of the narcs life
Actually for a real partner, you can be both.
Helpful, yes
This evidance of having none to lead to the light, no forgiveness, no morals no father figure to lead them away from lies, to help them live holy so what happens? They go into dark hypnosis.
This is a play by play of my relationship with my ex narc!! But tell her she's a narc, oh hell no she'll say I am the narc! I'm looking forward to the day her new supply, the heroin junkie she left me for will one day be in my shoes 🤣 unless he dumps her first 🤣
Never be jealous of their new relationship. An unaware person will continue the same patterns.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I don't think I'm jealous of their relationship, just pissed how it all went down. I know she can't keep up the mask forever. Thank you for your videos!!
I think that it’s just because of the addiction to “the cycle?” It has everything to do with chemicals in the body and “low levels”, needing to go get a “fix” from a “new drug” for a new high.. Ya think? It’s pretty hard to be turned on by someone that is now more like a parental figure than a hot partner. And in the same way it’s really hard to be turned on when we feel like we dealing with an Adult Child that’s a mean spoiled brat. .
New High=New Fantasy
Yeah, we don’t have romantic feelings for a caregiver. That’s why codependents get trashed. It’s not sexy.
I started to become my ex bf’s caregiver. That’s when I knew it was over.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE Thank you for your help in understanding this. I appreciate your channel
@@heatherlynn3438 ❤️
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE how the hell do we stay out of the caregiver phase then. Lol
Like, you just can't live with them? The narcissist lives in one house and I live in another? That barrier ie distance allows the narcissist to relax bc it's much safer and you're not constantly seeing them??
@@daviedood2503 I think by always keeping them on the edge. Once you are taken for granted, you are done.
Amazing!!?
cluesters and b-sters wow love the show!
I like the Star Wars shirt
Fantasy
Wow! Thanks for the clear and entertaining explanation. So the lovey dovey is fantasy and reality is taking care of a poorly behaved toddler.
Suspected as much, thanks for the clarity.
Question - unrelated?
Is a self aware narcissist someone who knows they are a narcissist and wants to improve their behaviors - OR is it someone who knows they are a narcissist and enjoys the mental games? Maybe a bit of both?
There's stages to self awareness.
1) You realize there's something not normal going on inside you.
2) You start digging into what it could be.
3) You figure out that you have something that you don't quite understand bc all the victim channels aren't talking about you.
4) You can get angry and rebel. Hurting people on purpose. You think I'm a monster? Ok, I'll show you a monster.
5) You start digging into why you are this way.
6) You want to fix what you can but keep failing.
7) You isolate. Become depressed. Seek help (therapists, groups, books).
8) Or you hide within yourself and live out your life, causing unintentional pain to others.
like the Star Wars shirt btw
😁 Thank You! I’m running out of different shirts to change into. Lol
Why does the Narc hate stability and happiness and someone giving you EVERYTHING??? My ex- Narc wanted me to marry her so I did. Moved to her city, gave up my 20 year career for her, family and friends…. And it still wasn’t enough. 6 months into the marriage she was cheating….. again. I just do not for the life of me understand narcissist and cluster b’s.
Stability is not happiness. Fantasy is happiness.
When you give up your life for us, we won’t take responsibility for that. We’ll tell you that it was your choice to shelf your life for us.
Now this IS true but it’s because you love us. You want to be our everything. But we don’t obsess over a care giver.
I'm the fantasy & I must say- it's horrid. His view of me is nothing like I am. It's been 3yrs and his lovebombing keeps coming around in phases. I also think this is the most deluded and offensive. U can just NOT get thru to the fantasy projector
I don't mind being the Stable one, as long as he doesn't treat me like shit, when something new and shiny comes along. Have some fuckn respect. :/
Remember, we don’t see you (or others) for who you are. You are supplying a need and when you lose value (devalued), we look towards the next shiny toy (who is idealized and unflawed).
With lack of empathy, there is no respect. That would mean we understand how hurt you would feel. No awareness means No F*kcs Given.
Would you say it's possible for a woman to break up with main for a fantasy situationship for that fantasy to eventually become main and old main become fantasy again? We have a child and she's toxic sex addict, we always have had chemistry but doesn't have sex with me now cause she thinks ill tell her fantasy who shes trying to make step dad main. Saids she's only cptsd but there is no way she's not cluster b. I think she lied to therapist, also thoughts on that if you think it's common for ppl to lie to therapist and get misdiagnosed?
Ps I should ask this on a live but I always miss them. Also I appreciate your videos alot!
th-cam.com/video/HCFAQNRVB6I/w-d-xo.htmlsi=xB2gyZLwcoW0NeuZ
Sometimes you show regret/disgust for the behaviors you explain, and other times you almost seem to justify them. The latter times I have a difficult time discerning where your mind is when you describe some of this stuff. On this one I got a distinct feeling that this is one of those that you know is flat out wrong even though you don't know why it's a thing.
Good topic though. And very relevant to many of your viewers I'm sure. I know it resonated with me. Thanks.
I won't lie but you just said that is killing me inside. I got into an argument with my ex when we were at Peter Piper Pizza because she was in an app called WhatsApp and I could have sworn a thousand piston positive I seen her erase a message from a man and she sat there and tried to tell me it was her dad I told her open the phone back up she did our dad's message was still there and I don't know nothing about that app I don't know if you can create fake numbers from that app or what you do with that app but this hurts like hell just to even think that she was talking with someone else and this is why I don't want to relationship again I don't want to be with somebody and deal with these problems I'm too loving I'm too caring and I'm too trusting narcissists are such an evil people
Calling the mentally ill "Evil" isn't nice. Calling your own ex "deceitful" is more accurate.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE well I do apologize I don't mean that hurtful in any way, yes deceitful she's very deceitful. How do you move on after a narcissist and the trauma bond I keep trying to find that video and I cannot find that video? She's gone no contact honestly I'd be surprised that she lets me see the kids again she knows I can't take her to court she knows we'll lose them and it does hurt because I love her and I honestly thought she loved me but after watching your videos I'm starting to realize was never love and I can't help but wonder did she really have somebody there on the side the whole time it's killing me inside to think like that but I have to face reality
@@ChevyC-jo9pw Watch the truth about the trauma bond and the C-ptsd video.
I didn't always have a side piece. Jesus. Stop making up sh*t about your ex to hurt yourself further, please. I did have great care for all my long term partners. It just doesn't last because I was always hiding within myself.
Cluster b spectrum so sad and difficult for all but would you choose to be a norm if you could....? As much as I wish to be 'normal' and have what they have it looks so f dull....... (Childhood trauma aside)
Maybe "dull" to us is magical to a normie? 🤷🏼♀️
I really like this video...this is what I thought all along. Thank you for putting your words on it. A question: can you have your main person and have your fun with them too? (Instead of cheating, bring fantasies to life together)
Or do you NEED all the hiding, cheating and shit? :))
Wish you the best :)
Oh course you can have fun with your Main person. It's not all doom and gloom. But they can't be your fantasy person bc the mystery is gone. The pretending is gone. You already ruined the script of who you were supposed to be.
Not all narcissists cheat. Some cope with alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, work, etc.
The fantasy, “fireworks” fade with time in all long term relationships, no?
@@Bond10000 In a healthy relationship, it still comes back from time to time. You get glimmers. But it really doesn't need to, because solid love is much better than new, infatuation and highly intense new love. Mature people realize that's exhausting to stay in that state.
Trust me, you don't want to "be the fantasy" again. It feels gross. We'd been 8 yrs and things had gotten stale, the sex was gone for awhile. Largely the way he'd been acting, but we hung in, or so I thought. He started cheating and when I found out, lots of lies to say it was "just an emotional affair" and close call. So I got suckered and gave it a last chance. I worked on my end, didn't blame it all on him and I found love for him again. Our sex life re-connected, but it was nasty. It was nothing like before, and I wasn't loved anymore. It wasn't anything terrible or freaky that he did. It was the feeling that I got. Something was very off, and I sensed strongly that I was turned into some sort of fantasy f*ck. So no, be careful what you wish for. You really don't want to be the fantasy when you love someone and they are supposed to love you. I wasn't loved anymore, and he wasn't really w/ me anymore. Of course it went on that he went back w/ the girl and I found out it was physical all along. He tried to stay yet again and I turfed him. He was still lying the whole way I'm stuffing him reluctantly out the door.
@@saintejeannedarc9460❤sadly ti say, Im in a similar situation.
Bored - you get bored
Because you’re Lost Souls
Wow over a thousand subscribers already. Time to get monetized
I don’t know what I’m doing. Lol I just wanted people to know why we are the way we are and that it’s not their fault. Also that we did have love for them.
I’m hurt
It's better than being lied to?
So is Reality or main supply a spouse? Or full time partner.. and fantasy is just someone you cheat with? Is it possible to wear a mask and the spouse never see that side?
The main/reality is the spouse/gf/bf. Fantasy is someone who doesn't know the "real" us.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE ok… so the main supply knows the real deal? Thank you
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE❤so everyone they flirt with is a fantasy? Is fantasy the same as second source supply?
One thing that happened in my relationship was of course multiple affairs, some for several years, most with my friends. But I'm a bisexual woman, who is always been open to exploring anything. Whether it be polyamory or you know I don't want to go into detail but I'm sure you can figure it out. And he would want to talk about the fantasy and get excited about the fantasy but never want to do the fantasy just do it behind my back so was it the thrill of humiliating me and deceiving me that made him be so devious? Or is he just so incredibly insecure that he wouldn't be able to handle reality in his face?
Darn, was hoping Sara would answer this one, and maybe w/ a bump she'll get to see it.
I'll take a wack at it in the meantime. They get bored, like she's said, so extra thrills w/ the sneaking. As soon as we bought a house, my ex started closet drinking. He drank in front of me, no real reason. I thought it was because I was getting on him for drinking more and not working anymore. Of course they are Peter Pan, and you can't tell them nothing. It was more the thrill of sneaking. He claims to not remember now, but he actually admitted that he had a lot of fun w/ sneaking alcohol in and putting it over on me. It was a nightmare for me. Then there was the porn. He probably watched it all the more just because I hated it. If he wasn't sneaking alcohol, it was porn. Never knew what I'd walk up on. Started to feel like a shellshocked soldier, because my home was a minefield. So yeah, they do seem to like to be devious, and sneaking is fun. Sneaking w/ his affair started a few years later. That's when I ended it. Whatever is opposite. You were into the swinging or whatever, so he would sneak. Mine brought his bimbo home to meet me, w/ a cover story that I bought initially. Maximum fun for them.
It wasn't until the very end of our relationship that I realized my ex used me as the other woman BECAUSE the spouse didn't like me.
That's the whole reason they confessed their feelings for me, well that and supply.
Like, that is sooo twisted.
Who thinks like that? Oh right, they do.
Anyway, it was WILD to realize the circus show after the dust settled. The fact that everything has been a fun game since day 1 and all the plans, promises, and futures we discussed on the phone or out on a date together was a lie. What "we" wanted were for naught.
And even now, I'm sure there is some stuff I still don't know about. That's the sick part.
You'll never know how far their game goes. And even if you find out, then they'll just create a new whole game.
It's just impossible to wrap your head around. Yes, they are that sneaky.
Wild, just wild.
@@specialtwice4975 That's really confusing and I'm not sure what you meant at the beginning. Were you w/ a married person,whose spouse didn't like you?
Sort of, they were dating, had been together for years.
In the beginning, the partner didn't like me, looking back now, probably due to jealousy.
Anyways, Npd will always look for new people for their harem and I guess I was ripe for picking.
Insert, love bombing, future faking, lying "My partner and my relationship isn't good anymore wahhhhh" then "my partner and I broke up" and then we became a couple.
💜💜💜👍👍👍🇬🇧
It is my ego death that my person wouldnt become aware for me but would become aware for someone else. I feel as awful as Ive seen you sound in your videos so I guess he really did leave the scars he wanted to leave behind
I wouldn't become fully aware for anyone. I had to lose everyone before that happened. The only thing someone could do if they wanted to was to stop being violent. That is a conscious choice.
Extremely helpful. I discarded the gf narc after 15 months. I was not aware she was a narc nor what a narc was. My intuition and red flags gave me all the symptoms to get the hell out. Sudden rage, criticism, controlling, selfish, verbally abusive, and the last time she became physically abusive. It all started going down hill when I started becoming aware of her symptoms. At some point they start treating you like their servant . The narc does not appreciate anything snd has no feelings. The narc drains your energy and you loose the things you enjoyed prior to meeting them. The narc consumes you, devalues you, uses you. I do not see any value with a narc since everything is fake and selfish on their part.
I did appreciate my ex husband and I tried to do many things to show him that appreciation. It just becomes too overwhelming and it's easier to release the demon then suffer with it within.
I do have feelings, too many actually. Demonizing us is supposed to make you feel better. Does it? I believe if you took the time to understand WHY we do these things, you'll be able to heal faster. The hate you feel is only turning you to the Dark Side, Annie.
Great explanation Milkshake! Just wondering..when a narcissist gets a main new supply, do they typically still have a backup supply in case that fails, or only when devaluation sets in? Do they cheat in the love bombing too? Thanks for the videos!
Everyone with a personality disorder is different. Some don't cheat at all. Some always need someone on the side to "play" with. Some don't have anyone else until the end draws near. And some use the shelving till they can find a new person to obsess over when YOU decide to leave.
I have heard of cheating when the person is getting married, or right after. You hear it w/ movie stars too, and there's a high incidence of narcissism w/ them. When I kicked mine out for cheating, he finally told me his dark history w/ serial cheating. He was going to cheat on his wife right before they got married. Just cuz, and he made steps to find someone. Was so proud of himself that he didn't carry through w/ it. I was appalled. People w/ PD's are as varied as the rest of us in their actual personality. It does seem most narcissists cheat though.
Can the fantasy turn into reality and vice versa?
When the fantasy turns into reality, it’s over. No, the reality can’t turn back into a fantasy.
This is very 👁 opening! Thank you. Is this female perspective only ? I wonder if males are like this too?
Yes, males are like this too. But we all have different ways of riding the cycle. Some take longer to move away from their “main” and some do it quick. Some are abusive physically, some are not. Some cheat, some don’t (but may become destructive in other ways). But I believe we all like having the comfort of a “main” person for security.
But we’re all struggling inside
And projecting our pain to the outside world.
In terms of fantasy Miss Milkshake, you appear to be a Star Wars fan. I’m curious what you think of the Disney sequels, overseen by Kathleen Kennedy, a narcissist. Just curious! 🤔
The new movies are 💩
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE Well, at least in this regard, I would say your perception is flawless! 🙂 Namaste 🙏🏻