Both…a lot of it is created by the devaluation of early childhood care and early parenting. These are extremely important jobs! Sweden has the right idea…480 days of parental leave and financial benefits per child, whether they are rich, poor, or in between.
@@gmr1241 Right. Their word is Gospel, yet find themselves in over their head. This is why we just sit back and allow them to what they do best. Self destruct!
@@gmr1241 Eventually that 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle they handed us while silently whispering…you’re the target in my psychological thriller and no one ever has figured me out! (Pun intended in this case based off of “Jigsaw” starring himself lol) I just unlocked a new level narc and the plot twist ending you never saw coming! 🤣 They are stupid, gullible and transparent when you’re the outsider looking in. I knew who he was within 3 months and ONLY stayed to protect my daughter until she had a voice. I already had my exit plan in place and you absolutely can ethically manipulate the manipulator. Not literal when I say this and just being funny, but I went into FBI undercover mode lol by documenting everything for the future. I finally left, but God would not allow him to corrupt my daughter and became reborn again. Jesus saved us, it took 3 years but my daughter is finally free. He exhausted all of his legal and financial resources because narc man saw exposure was coming! He backed down and I was able to get custody out of the legal system. Therefore, he even told me in an email I’m handing power over to you lol. I allowed very limited visitation because I knew he was going to **** up and he did. He strangled my daughter and have her testimony on video from my outside security camera I installed for this reason. I knew it would save her life BUT I would need proof. I pretended all was well until the next pickup and confronted him. He lied and denied of course, however, I angled it in such a way he was backed into a corner. I left out I also had physical proof to support her truth. Next week, he was still proclaiming his innocence and deeming my daughter needed to be checked mentally. I allowed him to unravel unscripted on camera to then slam him with…based on physical findings I will have to now lean towards a physical evaluation. Ready. Wait. For. It. Him: OK. Take care. What happened? Got nothing to say “Mouth” from Goonies? He has fled and won’t step a pinky toe in that court room because I’m the only one in the history of that family who challenged and defeated them. I surrendered my life to Jesus and said you’re my only hope and God delivered His promise and protected us from evil! How do you defeat them? Just like David defeated Goliath, you slay them in the spirit realm and allow God to do what HE does better than that demon narc! I send you blessings and love in Christ! ❤️🙏🏻✝️ My motto GOSO…Get Out and Stay Out!
I thought about this too (I have a background in psychology) that most narcissists that I have spoken too (or know from personal life) are stupid. They make poor life choices. They can't let go of meaningless grudges. Their self-inflated ego is a huge problem for them because they think themselves higher (never equal) to people who have the training or education or the skillset and think themselves higher when they are lacking. Narcissists are easily offended even by trivial things. They will also project their own issues onto their target.
Met the King of Narcs in my town and all you mentioned were in his Don Quixote persona. Before I knew about Narcs and behavior patterns, I just labeled him insane.Following the education, I met lesser Narc creatures, but nothing like King Narc. I thank him- he gave me a reference of how I choose not to be in a million years. Amazing he can still stop at a traffic light and obey the rules of the road.
I been going through everything you just talked about for 8 years now i am tired I have him blocked in every way he likes to stalk me though and he has been to my door 2 times and I didn't answer door but he will eventually catch me outside he always does and I fall for his bs lines and fake kindness knowing better every time it's been almost a month since I have talked to him and I'm trying to stay strong he is so verbally and emotionally abusive it made me also get physically sick and I went sepsis and only weighed 87 pounds and he didn't even come see me in the hospital and he works there he has never said he was sorry for that he doesn't believe he did all that to me I started to doubt my own reality and thought I was losing my mind so I can relate to what you said completely
Then when they really do something bad they want to punish their victim and lie you're the one like them because they've compartmentalized and charmed everyone else and because you're the real one people want to blame the victim not the fake charmer. They are flying monkeys of that person makes you feel good you know what they are like behind closed doors no you don't. They shit talk you.
So happy we have resources like Sam's videos at our finger tips. I grew up in a family full of narcissists and enablers. So as the black sheep, I always felt like it was me doing something wrong or it was me that was the crazy one. A big clue for me growing up was that Id feel really calm around other people's families, but Id always be anxious around mine bc I always expected something crazy to go down. Even to this day, its impossible to have a relationship with them bc of their narcissism. Im 31 years old and Im already over other people's drama. I already put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best musician I can be. I dont care for anything thats going to hinder my career and life goals.
Both my mother and Ex are narcissists in the worst way. Both gullible and dumb when it comes to common sense and judgement. Both RN’s, coincidentally. My mother just fell for an online scam today, for the second time. I’ve spent all day, freezing accounts and getting things straightened out! They spend so much time on their emotional games and manipulation games, they learn nothing of the real world. They are foolish and make horrible life decisions.
I knew one who was unbelievably stupid. Thought that putting all his money into a high-interest account THE DAY BEFORE interest became payable would get him a full 365 days of interest at that rate. Um, no. That's not how it works, bro.
The “narcissistic” personality sounds like the personality of a “bratty spoiled selfish adolescent.” Sounds like they look at life as a game for them to “beat everyone else” and the ends justifies the means.
My grandfather, Dad and brother all narcissistic what you you said is correct also they live in a fantasy world my best advice is they can act normal but that is the bait and the trap
@@pict4119 I think that describes a huge portion of the population. I realize I could also be describing alpha animals, the people that intend to come out on top and principles are pointless. But I think some are not totally given over to their territorial self and have enough of a sense of right and wrong that they can be reformed - or it may also be that some normal people will take up the game of the territorial alpha only because there was no other way for them to survive. They didn’t want to but had to do it or they wouldn’t have a life. After living as a pseudo narcissist for a long time they learn more in life and realize they have regrets and would look for others to commune with who have empathy and a sense of community. But that might not be as common as I’d like to think.
That's what gives them so much power in a way. No matter the circumstances they will always try to manipulate you, even if it kills them. Very powerful. How do you not feel for them to a degree after their bad choices?
@@supermal112233. Yes! It is very easy to be sucked in, believing they need help. The problem is it’s impossible to help with what is really wrong, because it is only possible in early childhood. If I had known this before, it would have saved most of my productive years, lost to a hopeless relationship. This should be taught explicitly in schools, parenting classes, etc., especially before young people are involved in intimate relationships. They need to be equipped with all of the information in this video. I’m subscribing. The content creator clearly has scholarly mastery of this subject. Forgive me…it’s the first time I’ve seen this channel, so I don’t know his background. Many of the channels about narcissism are pop psychology, or the speakers seem narcissistic themselves. There is often a language of superiority and judgment that is discomfiting.
I told someone who I believe to be a covert that they should make up their mind about whether they were smart or stupid. In the end I just realized it didn't matter because I was done. I couldn't do or say anything I hadn't already tried. When someone is committed to destroying themselves and those around them, then step out of their way and let them do whatever they are going to do. Sometimes you need to take yourself out of someone elses misery and protect yourself.
Narcissists are the great pretenders. How awful it must be to have to play pretend all the time. Their existence is a absolute denial of reality. Terrifying. Who are they then exactly? Thanks for all the crystal clear clarity, Dr. Vaknin.
It is during moments of profound isolation, when the narcissist finds themselves stripped of their hallowed entourage, shattered and exposed to the bleakness of their true essence. To comprehend this phenomenon requires firsthand witnessing, for it is an abyssal realm rarely fathomed by those uninitiated. In this forsaken realm, one encounters a disheartening sight-a lost, sorrowful child dwelling amidst an expansive void. Behind the curtain, bereft of an audience or devoted followers, where the enticement of gain and the fear of loss hold no sway, the narcissist becomes an embodiment of sheer emptiness-a hollow vessel devoid of substance. There is nothing there.
“Textbook”? No, no, no. That was my very best attempt at a Vaknin-ian presentation, (better than a textbook, although perhaps my attempt fell short, haha). Maybe you’ll prefer a toned down version: It is only when the narcissist finds themselves truly isolated, shattered, and exposed that glimpses of their authentic self emerge from beneath the facade. One must appreciate the inherent challenge of grasping this state if one has not directly witnessed it-a state characterized by profound feelings of desolation, sorrow, and an underlying sense of emptiness. Behind the metaphorical curtain, devoid of an audience or admirers, in a realm untouched by potential gains or losses, the narcissist embodies a living manifestation of emptiness.
@@dropdead_red you absolutely did not fall short. You have a much better grasp at written language than I do. It was a very well understood description.
I read in Japan the first few years there are no tests but rather teaching kids basics of life. Social interaction, respect, how to navigate the neighborhood with maps, cleanliness, responsibility, how to work as group, etc.
Everything lacking here in the good old USA… school prepares kids for nothing here but to climb over each other and step on who ever is in your way to get ahead…
Do they also teach that working 16h shifts is a bad thing, and does it teach them to be upstanding against bad people, does it teach them to be strong?
@@eustacebagge3869 , they do bow to authority for sure, but apparently we bow to "science". 🥸 They are more of a homogeneous collective that works well and they are strong, if good leaders. Not as independent as Americans, but perhaps more resilient. Group vs. individualistic.
Fascinating insights. My mother is a covert narcissist, and she is extremely cunning when it comes to manipulating and engaging in narcissistic behaviours. The control she has over her environment is nothing short of incredible. She does use a combination of pseudo stupidity and martyrdom extremely well.
It amazes me at just how stupid they seem to think other people are and to me that's the worst mistake any one can make yet they never seem to try change that attitude.
I can confirm that narcissists repeat the same mistakes over and over. They're incapable of admitting that their way of doing things could be improved. It's another reason why it's so frustrating to live with these people, because you can never contribute anything in the sense of doing something better than they do.
what's odd to me is that their mistakes are perceived by them as the way to go. I believe so, anyway. It might be frustrating, but why should everyone conform to one ideal anyways? Isn't it healthy to have diversity, obviously when it's not toxic, which I'm assuming you're implying they are, but still there are those who exist that want their own path and don't need to function the same. We're all different and have different perspectives, when done healthy, what's the problem?
The covert narc ex, all of his relationships ended the same way. CHEATING! I asked him why not get help, he was hell bent on fixing the problem himself. Needless to say a day like today I am no contact and the pattern continues. Women would manipulate him and take his money. One gave him a child of another race and while everyone could have seen the kid is obviously not his, he was quite gullible about it. When the child reached about 11 he did a test and found out, he was shocked lol. Everyone else was shocked that he was shocked. The list goes on and on. Everyone with whom he holds near and dear to him plays him for a fool. It was quite sad and funny to witness.
I always felt that the average narcissist in many ways appeared quite conventionally smart. After all, they usually care very much about being 'better' than others, so they might be high achievers academically as a product of that desire to be the best. However where they tend to appear quite dumb is where it pertains to introspection. Especially when it puts them in a bad light. They can't seem to pick up on many of their flaws as they have a very heightened ego and lack empathy.
They’re the poster children for being Self unaware, as well as unaware or disconnected from reality - from What IS. They project their delusions onto What IS, either because they believe you/everyone else is ignorant or they ARE ignorant. My life’s covert narcissists ARE Both - ultra ignorant and they think I’m/everyone else is ignorant; but especially me.
Funny, my narc mother was an "exemplary student" with all the achievements, which she and her mother were proudly rubbing into my face on every occasion. And still, she, for example, failed at grasping the common knowledge necessary for survival, like the basic school physics, doing the most moronic things probably even a child would figure out. Then pretending people around her don't exist and she never screwed up. She tried so hard to compensate her lack of common sense with education, which *could've* helped in her situation tbh, but she failed even at that. 🤷 All she can do now is throw cool terms around that make her appear smart. Having good grades ≠ being knowledgeable.
My father was sexually abused by his older brother and just grew up in a toxic environment in general. I dont't doubt that treatment gave him a huge inferiority complex. I don't know if he's a narcissist, but he has tons of traits. His half brother and half niece definitely are.
Glad to have found this channel. If I understand correctly, narcissists might seem stupid because their traumas forced them into self-protection mode. Therefore, most of their time and energy is spent focusing on their coping mechanisms (at everyone else's expense) instead of developing practical life skills-like humility and altruism.
If your only drive is your egotistical needs, at some point, you have to do away with what is right, both intellectually and emotionally to quench the thirst. So for outsiders, they will eventually look like taking stupid decisions (affairs, lying, fraud, drugs, violence etc)
Oh well. You have not been in a situation where you life is matter. These will escalate the situation to the point you get injured. Very stupid and stupidity when insights are required to make safe and sound choices.
Had a boss who was a textbook malignant narcissist but with a high IQ, and I was known for being the only one in the company who could deal with him (by applying teachings on narcissism) so I got to know him pretty well. Despite his IQ (he managed to hijack a department by installing a software only he understood because the bosses were greedy fools) his life decisions were totally baffling. He easily could have had a six-figure salary AND an easy life but he went out of his way to sabotage himself. Basically destroyed himself despite incredibly easy fixes to his life he was too immature to follow through on. It was baffling for most to watch.
@@KingEdwardMD No, he was a malignant narc and he knew it and what's more is he knew I knew. To the point he verbally admitted it more than once. I have met and read about BPD males and this was not one.
@@KingEdwardMD It sounds like you do not understand that some narcissists end up leading chaotic, self-destructive lives and think this is exclusive to borderlines but that is far from true. He enjoyed being feared/hated. He was driven by highly compulsive behaviors on behalf of a godlike False Self. He would talk the ear off anyone who would listen while ranking them as supply but was nonetheless consistently hateful of everyone he was surrounded by. He was far too aggressive and demeaning for his own good on a constant basis. He was 100% self aware he was a narcissist. He had a single Island of Stability he desperately clung to. I literally dealt with him by applying teachings on narcissism and it worked. I find it very odd you are so confident in your opinion when all the evidence points to the opposite and you never met the man.
All the narcs I know self sabotage. I’m not expert on any disorder but I have been learning and went ‘BINGO’ about 30 years in my marriage when I heard a video on covert narcissism. I would’ve never thought it at all as the ‘problem’ I couldn’t comprehend why we cycled. All I know is self sabotage is a huge problem in my relationships… with what I consider narcs of one form or another now.
@@Persiphon Most are severe abuse victims. The reality is, when you take a piss on a narcissist, you are making fun of abuse victims. But they deserve it, right? Oooof... Who lacks empathy again?
@@selkiehimbo the ones I know are not abuse victims , they haven't gone through childhood trauma either . The child abuse survivors I do know are lovely people. One is a bit snappy but it's understable as they've only just started seeking professional help but this person isn't abusive either. As I said they come from all walks of life saying they are mostly child abuse victims is wrong because people with these behaviours also come from homes where there was no abuse.
My father is and always has been a full blown Narcissist, never once in my 56 years has he asked how do I feel about how he destroyed my life, instead choosing the option that he thinks he has never done anything wrong, UNBELIEVABLE!! my only way I have dealt with this is by telling him he is not worth going to prison for and he still doesn't get it , I truly believe their minds are detached from reality
Can relate, except it's my mother who is the narcissist. Always fighting with her family and her bosses, and can't stay employed for more than a month while more and more of her relatives want nothing to do with her- yet she insists everyone is conspiring against her, and I've spent my entire life listening to her give exaggerated retellings of horrible things her parents SAID to her when she was a child, some 50 years earlier- and everyone else who knew her disputes her stories. She slowly drove my family apart for no reason.
@@theguybehindyou4762She might not be lying about the horrible things said to her. Might as well be generational trauma's with narcissists breeding narcissists. What most don't get is that, being abused does not give you the right to abuse others. So even if her being a narc comes from her bad family herself, it is not an excuse for her being shitty. That's just bad character on top of being a narc.
@@picklepopsickle Plenty decent narcs that are just annoying and dont make their problem your problem. Narcissism doesn't excuse blatant abuse, and most narcissists have bad character as well as being self-loving.
Totally relate. My dad just " doesn't know what got into me " well pops maybe the neglect and physical abuse mixed with verbal abuse had a tiny bit to do with it but what do I know I'm just the person whos life was ruined before it began.
I've been following you and learning from you since 2001! You have made an enormous difference. Over the years, you have helped me avoid, navigate & get out several Narcissistic relationships that have crossed my path.
A year ago, I wouldn't have known what you were talking about. With these last 5 months of getting an education and looking back, it was beyond healing. I can now see and isolate a bunch of memories of Narc and flying monkey encounters. I feel emboldened to push through to a better future, armed with knowledge of myself and the true social landscape.
Can I ask you some? It's the first time I listen to him because of suggestions. I have been listening to many people on this topic. Can say my father and brother has been active ly mean bully narcissists. Sometimes dangerous. And by the end of the video I foundany things he says apply to me but can also apply to many people around that aren't narcissists. Now I might have narcissist tendencies, or at least some sort of personality disorders. I think. I mean more than other at least. The near end one was more me. The critical voices inside (whom they places in me) etc. But I found it very disturbing, throughout the video how he call names and laughs, and calls names really like a bully, enjoying calling people belittling things in a very unempathic way frightened me. Is he a bully? I don't think we should talk about people like this. I understand very mean people can upset us, but he was just going after all mentally challenging people in my opinion. Like he would kick an addict on the street calling them idiots.
@@jhavajoe3792there are countless better channels to learn these is what I want to be saying. Because writing the comment, I am sure his approach was not OK.
They are stupid because when they found people who loves them, they treat them poorly and loose them. Somebody smart has healthy relationships. And wins without games. You can fool the world but not yourself 🙂
@@JAYSPLASHMUSICIDK, some people learn through other's mistakes. then do not care for others. *ponders* makes me wonder if society is a whole mess of a mistake recently.
@@JAYSPLASHMUSIC maybe English wasn't their first language? I know a lot of people who learned English as a second language have a problem with "loose" and "lose".
Thanks, Sam, and congratulations on identifying the hideous personality disorder that is narcissm. Your insights, knowledge and understanding are astounding.
The person who used to be in my life was a narcissist covert. I knew the man since I was 14 years old, married to him for 20 years with five kids divorced from him for over 30 years now. Not once did I see him make a wise choice or decision, if it was made it was because I was the push behind it, only to have me turn my back, and he would do what he wanted anyway. It never occurred to him to do what was in the best interest of his family even after my discussion with him on that. He really was stupid to not think about the consequences of his bad behavior to me and his family, and that he could lose us. But why would he? He thought he was the epitome of goodness and worthiness. He told me he didn’t want to get out of the marriage that he was happy. I told him I would’ve been happy too, had I been treated as good as he was treated. You are so right about the pseudo-stupidity. I once told him he wasn’t as stupid as he acted if he was one of our five children would be stupid and they were not.
This scares me. I am 36 and my husband 33 we have been together for 6 years and I realized he’s a covert narcissist unfortunately I come from a family with abuse and addiction so my judgement is off. I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that his issue come from his father is w covert narcissist and his mother who is definitely enmeshed but she’s suffering from her own marriage. I am not a priority. I am told I am number 1 but it’s all about him and his family. I’m like an intruder. I have even pregnant every single year ( unfortunately we lost all of them) I am now 18 weeks again and I feel that i knowingly walked into the lions den and decided to stay. Ugh. He makes horrific decisions based on his family’s whims of that day! I mean huge life choices! Ughhh
@@alyciamarie4163Seriously, if you haven't already, please consider getting out. It's horrible how the narcissist pulls you back in. You can have months of "good times" where you almost forgot how bad it was last time... maybe this time he'll be better. HE WON'T. There is no cure for this. Please save yourself while you can.
My dad was never diagnosed with anything, for one because he would never seek the help for his issues. As far as he was concerned, he was perfect and it is the rest of the world who is wrong. But if I'm right that my dad was a narcissist, he may have been smart with stuff like math, but stupid when it came to dealing with people. He was really good at wasting whatever intelligence he had to be mean, destructive and manipulative. He could have used all that to do good, but he instead was abusive.
Bingo on covert narcissists acting stupid on purpose…they seem to relish creating frustration and any negative response just boosts their love of victimhood
Never seen a narc create anything beautiful or nice. It’s always thrown together sloppily. It’s a nightmare when they do crappy home projects&think it’s acceptable.
Omg my narcissistic parents destroyed my childhood home with their half arsed sh*t projects and repairs they slopped together that need even more repairs to fix the damage they did 😂 and guess who is going to have to repair and pay for it.. not them 🥲
@@mominminnesota6648 so very true,he moved into my house,which i have been in for years with no problems.Twenty years later after his so called DIY attempts!!! the house is wrecked he believed he was a plasterer, plumber, electrician, joiner, carpet cushion floor & laminate floor fitter and the list goes on.(jack of all trades master of none)Thank God lt’s OVER and i’m in RECOVERY. Xx
I think you have solved all mental disorders, all family issues, the roots to addiction, and I watched hoarders today...I think this can be plugged into that also!
Definitely hoarders! They are "stupid" blind to the emotional pain and health issues they cause other family members. Unbelievable selfishness. It's all about control by way of barricades of cr*p to drive people away! 🤮
hey sam, thanks for this video, so i have a friend npd, he is very proud of himself, even though people are actually making fun of him. everyone just laughed at his strange behavior. and he doesn't realize that he is being belittled.
There is no shortage of narcissists in my family and past relationships. As you put it... Yes very STUPID! When I look back I can't help but feel I was sooo stupid to put up with the behavior! Thank you for the vid!!
I like being alone ive fantasized about being the only one left on earth since i was a child. Solitude makes me thrive i love it. My family disowned me. I thanked them
I learned much from a relationship with a high IQ Narc. Lessons I'll never forget. What good is an Einstein if they stab you in the heart ( figuratively speaking)? Excellent presentation on this video. Hats off to your groundbreaking in the 90's! Anyone who breaks new ground has to be tough as nails with a flood of detractors.
If I may add: what good is an Einstein if he is a junkie, crackhead, thrice convicted felon, and pathological liar to boot? Yes, I knew one. It took me ten years to extricate him from my life and I feel the repercussions to this day.
Watch out everybody. Keeping your circle small seems like a wise decision. Don't want to accidentally let one of these people into our serenity. Great video.
My mother uses what I refer to as "weaponized ignorance". She leverages it in situations to seem helpless and defenseless. She would ask for help for things as basic as turning on her TV. After I left, I noticed that she had no difficulty creating Amazon accounts, changing her DNS settings on her home automation. All of the things she would pretend to be ignorant about, she was skilled. After leaving, she was perfectly capable of doing those things herself... glad I realized it before I spent another day being played like a fool.
"They keep forgetting the facts". So after he was left by me after 26 years, went to an excellent therapist for 3+ years and found a new women....she moved in, he likely felt huge stress, so reverted to his vocal lashing out (typically screamed and repeated himself about an hour), and she left a few days later. Then he makes sure to give good PR to those in his circle that he did everything right. Never learned a thing. He is quite capable in his field yet probably shouldn't have gone on to 7th grade so spends lots of energy unsuccessfully hiding it. He would use me (college grad) to help him hide. Let me congratulate you. And thank you for your fine work!
Profoundly moronically stupid to the point, the victim initially doubts- that anyone could be this mind-blowing Stupid!? Thus, (mistakes) in giving them a 2nd chance, instead of running from Stupid! Like we will all do from now on. 😊
I'm borderline (old diagnosis, not sure if accurate). We aren't all running around trying to cause problems. I'm also avoidant and prone to panic attacks and have always had horrible social anxiety. People have always scared the hell outta me. To me, the average person seems to lack self-awareness and self control, being primarily motivated by status, their sex drive and gluttony (I'm American, so I'm surrounded by shallow horny fat people). I'm also the type to act stupid (I'm trying to break this habit), but that's just to get along with people at work. I don't have an agenda, I just want to get along. Edit: My inability to relate to people stems from my upbringing, not a lack of empathy. I was raised in poverty by a schizophrenic single mother, so my emotional development is different than most people's. I genuinely feel for others, but I can also ignore my emotions and rationalize regardless of circumstances and act regardless of my emotional state. Most people seem to let their emotions dictate their perceptions and behaviors, which is another reason I avoid people. Edit 2: And although I'm arrogant, I know objectively I'm nothing special. I have the benefit of working customer service, so I've had thousands of people to interact with and compare myself to. My obsession with viewing myself objectively is not great for my self esteem lol. And I don't blame others for my shortcomings. I know when I fail at something, it's because I didn't give enough effort or someone else gave better effort. But I'm also a contradiction.
You mentioned your self esteem. I think the trick for us is to accept ourselves for who we are. We have to do the best we can and stop comparing ourselves to others. I just watched this excellent video on how to change one's inner monologue: th-cam.com/video/3NWKgNv8fQY/w-d-xo.html
The ones I grew up with, if you didn't agree with them, threw such temper tantrums, there would be physical violence, screaming, throwing of furniture, YEARS of the silent treatment, and so on... So, people simply stopped correcting them. They also completely surrounded themselves with Yes folk, making sure every idea of theirs is considered worthy of a Nobel prize. The best part was, (I am talking about my sister in this story, because I could never comprehend how someone with two reasonably intelligent parents and such great social skills could be so impressively dumb), when she tried to convince experts that they are wrong. Like, my FIL, who was a beekeeper for 50 years and my sister has never even seen a bee up close. Or my husband, an ex-soldier and war history buff. Or any of our guests - like a friend of mine who was a midwife, my sister tried to convince her of idiotic things and my friend was just ... looking at me while I signaled "just let her talk. It's bound to stop eventually." Mind, my sister has 8 grades of primary school and the only job she ever had in 40 years was once in her teenage years, waitressing. She has never, and I mean never, ever read a book. I am not joking. But disagree with her, and she will throw the dinner plate WITh food at you, screaming.
I, for one am very grateful for your work, Professor Vaknin. It wasn't until i came across your work that I was able to discern that I was being played and abused by a narc. Without your work I would still be so confused. I got out with my life, but barely. I thank God for your work.
Stupid because they refuse to learn from their mistakes. Our mistakes are goldmines of wisdom!! It is folly to heap your sins on a sacrificial scapegoat. It’s fruitless and sad. I am a daughter of the sins (and blessings) of my forefathers and I choose to break the cycle, here and now: within my psyche. I will pay the piper and expect no one else to foot my bill. I cling jealously to my hard lessons. I did the misdeeds and I own the consequences. If I learn from them and change my ways, that’s winning to me.
Your statement alone is showing your already winning, you can DO the healing.I have utmost confidence you can "cycle-break " !! Get peace,God Bless you !! To the great future !!❤️💜
I can be so difficult as someone who has been with a narcissist for many years not to believe you are a narcissistic person. You take on their narcissist trates so much. I do remember who I was which wasn't always a nice person but I would never do to someone else what has been done to me.
The covert narcissist in my life probably knew she wasn't that intelligent. As an adult, she didn't learn any significant new skills. I think she was terrified of failing, or more importantly, failing infront of others. I always thought it was strange that she wouldn't read any instruction manuals before setting something up. I now know it's because she couldn't handle the shame of incorrectly putting together a bookshelf! It also explains why she passive-aggressively hated me doing any self-improvement work and would try to sabotage me.
that is my situation to a tee. The self sabotage due to not wanting to look like you don't already know what you are doing is absolutely insane. Thing is that everyone kind of knows what this feels like. I related to my narcissist because she had a lot of child like shame which I related to. little did I know it was self imposed and that she wasn't just waiting for someone to help her out of her "shell".
💗 In my experience, Narcs tend to not realize how incredibly transparent their own grandiosity or covert martyr complexes are. They think they're being very clever typically when really most people choose not to confront them over things because it's just too exhausting to do so. BPD tend to have incredible weak spots around betrayal blindness with their FPs and even in cases where they have been repeatedly betrayed or seen evidence that the person has betrayed others, think that if they continue to go to the intense lengths bpd people go to for their FP, they won't get betrayed no matter how unlikely that is, (this is projection, basically in BPDland, all you have to do is remain the FP and the BPD person would literally go to jail for a murder you committed, they naturally assume everyone else is capable of that type of loyalty which is why they are so prone to low self esteem because they think everyone who wouldn't go to jail for a murder they committed is probably incapable of love, which is literally true as they understand it so...) psychopaths usually think nobody notices their addiction to risky adrenaline seeking behavior are when they hide them in socially acceptable ways.
It has gotten to the point where i can't even look at my covert passive-aggressive narcissist sister anymore. Her behavior is just so clearly performative, yet she continues the same manipulative behavior all the time. Even more frustrating is the rest of my family not catching on.
@@yutu... That sux - I def know how that feels. What helped me a lot was realizing that those enabling the behaviors are defacto collaborators of the npds abusive ways. This perspective was liberating.
I get it. I was the scapegoat and that's how it is. Try to take comfort that this struggle will make you more emotionally intelligent and resilient. Your sister may stall. That's my experience anyway. You aren't alone.
This is more helpful for me as one diagnosed with PTSD/BPD than most psychoanalysis and counsel ive received and heard. I understand your usage of the word stupid as foolish or unwise. I needed that called out.
Thank you for bringing up that IQ tests do not test the ability to live properly… I just divorced a covert narcissist. Everyone thinks he’s such a nice guy, so humble.
Absolutely. Many of us struggle to steer clear of what stems from what. Certain kind of stupidity can be very useful nowadays, there are always other stupids that want to save you and avoid taking responsibility of their own lives. The same old story..
I just want to say it’s been 2 months since I left him.If it wasn’t for these video’s from all the support online,I would probably still be there,it helped me see what is actually happening and For years I couldn’t leave ,I accumulated enough knowledge and finally left and for the first time be able to without the trauma . Thank you . That’s putting it mildly 💝
First off Congratulations on your accomplishments in this field. You have helped me become able to see behaviors and cycles that normally I would ignore to my own detriment. I don't know what I would have done if not had I found your channel. A hundred thanks for saving my sanity...and a hundred more for saving me.
I watched your video on narcissistic parents years ago and it really resonated with me, but I was still in the cycle of narcissistic abuse and I felt hopeless and worthless most of the time. Watching this video now, I know I have to do something to help myself. I'm 35, disabled, and I've had no major accomplishments in my life; nothing I'm proud of. My mantra has always been, "it's too late for me," but I hope that's not true
I’m disabled too and left my narc partner, I’m starting over but finically having issues(that’s why I was with him so long) However, after the first step the rest will fall into place hope you’re doing well
Dark personalities are the ones that tend to survive in dark times. Much love to everyone ❤ Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
davidc, thank you for introducing me to this brilliant quote. It perfectly encapsulates what I'd been trying to articulate for myself. Wow! I've just added it as a signature line to my email so that I can share it with others. Thank you so much!
I love your approach of cluster B. Many people talk about narcissist or antisocial like they are the demon of the world. The details you give are very interesting !
I'm 49 years old I've lived with narcissistic parents and triangulated brothers and sisters my whole life, I'm going through hell and I'm still trying to finish dating and rebuild my life, but I find it incredible that for some things when it comes to blackmailing to turn the arguments in their favor, narcissists are so skilled and for other more general issues they are stupid and closed-minded
I am absolutely fascinated by Dr. Vaknin's knowledge of all these disorders. He gives so much valuable information in such detail, more than anyone else I have seen. One would never suspect the complexities of these personalities.
I appreciated what you had to say. This higher standard is what i look for in trying to better myself. Very different from American psychology and psychiatry but A higher bar helps me feel more supported.
You are spot on with every single thing you say about the different disorders! Thank you for giving it to us straight! Fellow people Please be aware that these people are dangerous unless they get serious about therapy to become more level headed WITH EVIDENCE in their life skills! They need intense therapy!
Im bpd and I’m not dangerous. Some ppl are dangerous not all ppl. I was abused and bullied my whole childhood and life so now I have codependency and anxiety issues all of which causes me to be in harms way over and over. Im not a danger. I’ve had neurotypical ppl abuse and even sexually abuse me as well as groom me. Im not the danger. It’s so disheartening to survive all of this just to see ppl stigmatize and demonize my disorder.
It's remarkable how Sam runs down many of my brother's character traits along with their root causes. And to be honest, kind of a relief as well to know that the patterns I've noticed are real.
I appreciate Sam's stern tone towards self-victimizing, as opposed to the more prevalent, comforting 'therapeutic' tone applied in most videos towards victims of abuse. Self-victimizing and learned helplessness (which intersect with psuedo-stupidity) create a feral state of being and should be treated as such. It has immediately negative effects and therefore urgently begs to be changed, if change is possible, or its impact minimized if not. While it is true that past, violent victimization WAS NOT a product of the victim's agency (it obviously was not your fault), ongoing, self-victimizing behavior IS, and such behavior IS ALSO a form of abuse. A former victim of abuse rendered pseudo-stupid is therefore not so different from their original abusers.
Wow! Just Wow! This was powerful. I always wondered why these people dont learn any lessons in life but keep repeating the same old nonsense. Many thanks Professor Vaknin. I would like if you can cover topics like dealing with narcissistic/dark personality neighbours, bosses and housing bosses and landlords who abuse clients and refuse to resolve simply matters till they end up in court. For example a man moved in the apartment above me he tried to get me to come to his apartment straight away I said absolutely not I dont know you. Then the anonymous letters started coming in my door, the stalking both outside and at home I got the police involved but this idiot just cant seem to learn what no means or how to behave. He even said to the police the reason I didn't want anything to do with him is because he is so handsome and I want him. I was baffled for 3 years I endure harassment to numerous to mention here. This discussion was absolutely informative and brought insight into why these types though having good education or good at their jobs still are such idiots when it comes to basic life skills and decency.
When raised by a narcissist and his victim (my mother), you dont learn to run from that type of relationship, you learn how to cope. So as an adult when a narcissist comes along they can see that you dont have any defenses. I really wish I had had a better upbringing so I wasnt stuck in now my second marraige to a narcissist who has destroyed every aspect of our life and family.😢
I'm sorry to ask, how did they destroy every aspect of your life and family? I'm worried about someone making up stories to my friends and family and making them seem believable because this man is cunning.
You nailed it in all these ways that I wish others faced as well. They often have issues with addiction as well that emphasizes all of these symptoms and more. It's just awful for the rest of the family that has to deal with it.
Congrats Prof. Vaknin! I’m so grateful to have come across your work when I began studying this topic. Your content is still as unique as it was back then, and I have found it most valuable to this day. Thank you for all you do!
It always shocks me when I think about the clusterB person I knew, that all they aspire to do with their talent of lying without remorse, is to just live off government checks and grift lonely women 😂
See if you search on google engine "Cluster A" "Cluster B" and "Cluster C test" you can take the tests for each cluster in the row, so you can see if you have any tendency to became one of them.
As I was listening to this video how true it rang for me. Some hours ago I cooked myself and my friend some dinner and made him welcome to stay the night in separate accomodation on my property. The first chance he gets when he thinks I have gone to bed; he flees into the night to go and persue the drug of his addiction. This person is intelligent, has charisma and good looks. But alas he is stupid. And I'm also stupid for having anything to do with him and giving him a helping hand.
Ok, he has an addiction (so you do, but probably pretend you don't consume things to provoke a certain state of mind as alcohol, porn, junk food, sugar, coffee, adrenaline, etc) that you don't understand and you think you are better than him because of your food and porpety you offer to a named friend? Of course you're stupid.
Sometimes we have to mourn the friend who is no longer our friend. Call it possession or any $10 word you choose. Their only friend is their drug of choice and they will do anything to spend time with it.
I Don't Get Why That Makes Him A Bad Friend...He Didn't Steal From You, Didn't Screw You Over...You Seem Like A Bad Friend For Lacking Empathy & Understanding & Not Meeting People Where They Are Instead Of Expecting They Conform To Your Ideal...I'm Sure If It Were That Easy, They Gladly Would.
Professor I can not thank you enough , for 35 yrs I have been worried, frustrated & baffled by my brother's behavior and personality. Although he is on medication and apparently has a 'coding ' (?) from his GP I have been trying to understand his condition to get him some help & support. The video you have uploaded has answered so many questions and I will further research and save this video to help him out. Thank you so much again , you will make the future for my brother so much better 🙏
Thank you so much Prof. Vaknin for your ground breaking work and talks on TH-cam. I agree completely with your assertions. Based on personal experience, I am one of the people who possesses extreme EQ - emotional intelligence, not to mention a conventional OK IQ of about 125. And with several relationships I can say that this is what the narcissistic person absolutely lacks! These people thrived on living off my "life skills" - where I provided the social intelligence, judgment, regulation of impulse and beneficial long term planning and judgement that makes one a success in life that they simply did not have. Yet after being with me for years, they did not change. They could not learn, by lecture or example, and in the end either drove me away, or abandoned me thinking they didn't need my support (to their great detriment). I learned life's lessons and was able to find a wonderful partner and have a happy, highly productive relationship.
Yes, it really hurt. I hoped that in the end, he would say something about perhaps rare and very difficult but possible methods of fixing narcissistic personality disorder. What should narcissists do then? forget about having normal life and isolate from society?
A lot of the things he says are just not true or not the full truth. Calling it stupid because they do things that are stupid is crazy. The reason they do 'stupid' things has nothing to do with stupidity so calling it stupid doesnt make any sense to me and it is really closed minded imo. And not every borderline is the same. Some people are way better at not expressing emotions and its not all how this guy says it is. I am way better at not expressing my emotions. And I can rationalize my emotions and recognize that what I'm feeling doesnt make any sense and not act upon it.
@rareben395 exactly that's the word I was looking for close-minded because half of the people here had one bad interaction with NPD, and now that shapes their entire view of them as a group. May be bold of me to say, but that should be a mental illness in itself.
I'm addicted to your videos... I watch them every night before I go to bed and everytime I'm doing chores or doing my nails. 😂 I learn so much! Thank you. ❤
My ex would always say everyone else is stupid. She is the smart one but had mental breakdowns because she didnt know how to handle tasks. Her birthday was on a weekend and she simply had to copy some data from a sheet of paper into excel. She cried and did not do it. Part if the crying was also her being upset of getting older. Back then I did not know what narcissism is. So I did the work for her and all the sudden she was a different person. Sometimes I thought she is completely stupid. She loves routine and always talked about the same things to show how smart she is.
I dated a woman, and we were talking about marriage. I explained to her I usually wouldn't marry a woman if she's also dating and having intimacy with men in my social circle. Instead of replying like a grown adult and recognising my feelings. She replied "but they wouldn't be at our wedding anyway" 🤣🤣🙄🙄
My ex narc would send nudes to guys within the same social circle and have sex with them. All relatively wealthy. The guys see her as a easy sex toy and she is still proud each time she gets them for a night. When she realizes that they wont become her boyfriend she has a meltdown and travels to a old guy 500km away and spends a weekend with him. Then she comes back and does the dame again.
@@kofokofo they're crazy how they repeat the same behaviour, I used to put one on ice regularly for poor behaviour, she would go insane to get me back apologising profusely. Then she would repeat the same silly behaviour within 3 weeks.
@@mercenary1881 she is crazy but I also feel sorry for her. I got warned by a friend who is from the same place as she is. Apparently her whole family is akward. Now I know her mom is mentally sick and seeing therapists for 10-15 years. Her dad does not care and simply buys her a second horse to make her happy. after a few months i reached out to the dad and told him a few things. What he responded was: “im surprised now. She always said u treated her well”. What has this to do with her issues?! I still gave it a try and regret it so much now. It took me 9 months to get her out of my head. All the pretending and her putting on a show. She would behave differently with different people. When they were in the same place she did not know how to behave. I also got STDs from her and her response was: why from me? I: I did not have sex with anyone for 1.5 years and u pulled of the condom during sex. She: its the governments fault because they do not teach us anything about these diseases. WTF I checked her phone after I had concerns. What I saw was just sick and when I told her she was super embarrassed that I figured out what she is. She thinks she is super smart and people cant see through her. Lot of guys i know blocked her because she harassed them or because they thought she is crazy. Many of them simply ignored her
It's the lies that make me perceive NPD's as stupid. The lies they engage in are often breathtaking. The idea that one would believe that others would believe such lies just boggles my mind.
Your excellent communication skills combined with your deep knowledge makes your content highly informative. Thank you!!! :) Like honestly it is hard to find content that grows my knowledge of these subjects because I have already learned so much about the basics of these subjects, so thank you again for filling that niche
Lmao. Mine was such a nasty piece of work but dumb as a doorknob too. Multiple times I had to give him warnings about not doing something dangerous or neglectful only to watch him sneer at me, do it anyways, and then get the exact consequences I warned him of 30 seconds to 24 hours before the idiotic action. Example: It's January in the Midwest US. The back stairs are icy af lol. He goes to open the door and follow his dogs outside, down these 3 stairs. He makes it down okay and when he comes up them I again tell him to be careful. He arrogantly tells me that I'm being too careful or whatever. In his stupid rush, on the second stair, he slips and busts his one knee so hard on the pavement, stone crumbles and ice that his jeans rip, his knee cracks the ice, that knee swells for a week and has such a bad gash that he still carries the scar from it to this day 😊 And I still call it his bitch knee 😂 On vacation once, there was a river we were visiting. His narcissistic family, despite there being glass bottles seen about in places, encouraged each other to go in without river shoes. I told him it was an awful idea and he could well get a bad cut. Indeed, he and his parents totally dismissed me... he and the dad went out.. ten minutes later, dad comes back carrying ma boy 😂 he cut his big toe so deep that it was almost to the bone and had a huuuge thick skin flap hanging off. Dude was almost crying in pain. After they got it sanitized, wrapped etc he had to wear a special sandal on that foot for the rest of that 10 day vacation, use a cane/crutches, change that bandage often, almost had to go for stitches and still has that gnarly scar today. There are others, but I used to marvel to him all the time that I was baffled as to how he made it past 5. He wound up getting serious therapy for his issues and is in a great place now, but still has those physical reminders to keep him humble 😎
@Jade-hr1mf Hi, Jade. I think that's a wonderful question and I appreciate you taking the time to ask. He was highly narcissistic, but over time, even though I was financially and physically trapped with him, I kept brutally shooting him down whenever he would want to make a move on me or get closer to me emotionally, romantically. I kept telling him and roasting him over and over about all the ways he was a horrible person and partner, and why I found he and his family disgusting. Because he wanted my approval, love and access to me so badly, he would occasionally accidentally listen to the sense I was speaking and it would sink in. After several years of that and his own stupidity catching up with him in literally the ways I would predict, he was mystified and impressed enough that he began asking me to help him understand HOW I knew what was going to happen. I had then to teach him about infantilization and emotional, social, mental, moral stunting when one is raised by narcissists or psychopaths (I seriously believe that his father is an overt narcissist, and his sister and his mother are diagnosable psychopaths), and the many, many ways he and his siblings had been through extreme abuse and neglect since birth, likely. From there, he realized that he didn't have to live in poverty, filth, anger and constant social paranoia. He wanted to go to therapy alongside my feedback to learn how to live in a healthy, balanced, safe way that was built on proper inner and outer boundaries, goal and resource management and personal responsibility. He's still got some glitches... it's hard for him sometimes to emotionally respect needs, hobbies etc of mine that aren't his, for example, but the compromise is that he just needs to respect that I have them and love them, and that that's a part of loving me, which he says he does (and I thoroughly believe him; he's been through hell trying to earn me). He also had to learn that I'm his one guaranteed safe person as long as he's not abusing or neglecting me, and that if he does those things again, I go byebye. He was raised for 28 years to believe that all relationships are made of power struggles and abuse. He was used to thinking that even if you loved someone emotionally, every relationship has a controller who knows best in every way and the other person has to worship the controller. There's literally no equality or respect in any of his family's relationships, from married couples to siblings. Everyone snaps at each other, or is vying for control, openly or more subtly. He's cut out the whole family after trying family therapy with his parents and a family systems therapist who has a special degree in "personality disorders" aka narcissism. The parents went in trying to force him into lying to the therapist... he called them on it in the session... they were all asked to do integrity based home work as a result to continue.. the parents said they'd resume therapy right after the holidays. None of that ever happened. He'd called them on the lying, the way they treated him and others etc and they dipped out, everything left a total disaster on purpose. They still won't talk to him. It's going on a year soon. All of that was kind of the final piece that proved to him that I and the therapists were correct, and he needed to stay healing in therapy away from that full dozen of monsters.
@@no_one_211 wow, thank you for the comment. I was in tears reading everything hes been through, and I can tell you love him to guide him like this. I too believe he loves you as well, it's not easy changing these defense mechanisms and to take the steps he did with cutting off his toxic family speaks volumes. My ex also grew up in a terribly abusive household as well, it hurts so bad that they take on these personalities in order to protect themselves against the ones who were meant to give them love. I don't think I can apply your situation to mine, but it still makes me happy that at least someone out there was able to get it right and find happiness. It was especially beautiful when you said he knows with you, as long as he doesn't abuse you, he is safe. The number one thing I realized very very early on into my relationship was that he didn't feel safe. And I spent over a year trying everyday to show him he was safe with me. I wish I would have thought, or known, about these issues while we were together. I thought it was normal trust issues! Lol.
Congratulations to the professor!😅 Also I found this to be absolutely helpful to my self supply as this supports my personal experience with a few weirdos.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 88 | คู่เอก "ป้อมเพชร vs อัสลามจอน"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1ZqTVVbMgbo/mqdefault.jpg)
Does anyone else sense society is creating narcissist? Or at least encouraging them?
The rate of narcissism is increasing the last couple of decades, and yes, the culture has a lot of influence.
Nothing sells better than makeup and Selfie sticks.
The media definitely does.
Narcissists are created age 2-5
Both…a lot of it is created by the devaluation of early childhood care and early parenting. These are extremely important jobs! Sweden has the right idea…480 days of parental leave and financial benefits per child, whether they are rich, poor, or in between.
Pseudo stupidity. Intermittent stupidity when it suits the situation. One minute they know everything, and the next minute they know nothing.
Selectively stupid when it comes to the crimes they commit. Who me? What ever do you mean?
Sometimes they are Seriously Stupid because they refuse to listen to anyone else. They apparently know best.
@@gmr1241 Right. Their word is Gospel, yet find themselves in over their head. This is why we just sit back and allow them to what they do best. Self destruct!
@@sicibell Yes! It took me too long to realise I could do that.
@@gmr1241 Eventually that 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle they handed us while silently whispering…you’re the target in my psychological thriller and no one ever has figured me out! (Pun intended in this case based off of “Jigsaw” starring himself lol) I just unlocked a new level narc and the plot twist ending you never saw coming! 🤣
They are stupid, gullible and transparent when you’re the outsider looking in. I knew who he was within 3 months and ONLY stayed to protect my daughter until she had a voice. I already had my exit plan in place and you absolutely can ethically manipulate the manipulator. Not literal when I say this and just being funny, but I went into FBI undercover mode lol by documenting everything for the future. I finally left, but God would not allow him to corrupt my daughter and became reborn again. Jesus saved us, it took 3 years but my daughter is finally free. He exhausted all of his legal and financial resources because narc man saw exposure was coming! He backed down and I was able to get custody out of the legal system. Therefore, he even told me in an email I’m handing power over to you lol. I allowed very limited visitation because I knew he was going to **** up and he did. He strangled my daughter and have her testimony on video from my outside security camera I installed for this reason. I knew it would save her life BUT I would need proof. I pretended all was well until the next pickup and confronted him. He lied and denied of course, however, I angled it in such a way he was backed into a corner. I left out I also had physical proof to support her truth. Next week, he was still proclaiming his innocence and deeming my daughter needed to be checked mentally. I allowed him to unravel unscripted on camera to then slam him with…based on physical findings I will have to now lean towards a physical evaluation. Ready. Wait. For. It. Him: OK. Take care. What happened? Got nothing to say “Mouth” from Goonies? He has fled and won’t step a pinky toe in that court room because I’m the only one in the history of that family who challenged and defeated them. I surrendered my life to Jesus and said you’re my only hope and God delivered His promise and protected us from evil! How do you defeat them? Just like David defeated Goliath, you slay them in the spirit realm and allow God to do what HE does better than that demon narc! I send you blessings and love in Christ! ❤️🙏🏻✝️
My motto GOSO…Get Out and Stay Out!
I thought about this too (I have a background in psychology) that most narcissists that I have spoken too (or know from personal life) are stupid. They make poor life choices. They can't let go of meaningless grudges. Their self-inflated ego is a huge problem for them because they think themselves higher (never equal) to people who have the training or education or the skillset and think themselves higher when they are lacking. Narcissists are easily offended even by trivial things. They will also project their own issues onto their target.
Met the King of Narcs in my town and all you mentioned were in his Don Quixote persona. Before I knew about Narcs and behavior patterns, I just labeled him insane.Following the education, I met lesser Narc creatures, but nothing like King Narc. I thank him- he gave me a reference of how I choose not to be in a million years. Amazing he can still stop at a traffic light and obey the rules of the road.
@@jhavajoe3792 They should honestly be seen as unable to care of themselves. It should be considered as a mental disorder.
I want too through holly water at them just to see what happens.
I been going through everything you just talked about for 8 years now i am tired I have him blocked in every way he likes to stalk me though and he has been to my door 2 times and I didn't answer door but he will eventually catch me outside he always does and I fall for his bs lines and fake kindness knowing better every time it's been almost a month since I have talked to him and I'm trying to stay strong he is so verbally and emotionally abusive it made me also get physically sick and I went sepsis and only weighed 87 pounds and he didn't even come see me in the hospital and he works there he has never said he was sorry for that he doesn't believe he did all that to me I started to doubt my own reality and thought I was losing my mind so I can relate to what you said completely
You nailed it.
My narc ex was academically stupid but highly cunning. A true predator. Nothing but a parasite on society.
You can't con a Con is his quote.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A true predator. 💀🤣
A true predator. 💀🤣
Then when they really do something bad they want to punish their victim and lie you're the one like them because they've compartmentalized and charmed everyone else and because you're the real one people want to blame the victim not the fake charmer. They are flying monkeys of that person makes you feel good you know what they are like behind closed doors no you don't. They shit talk you.
"how do you survive life itself, if you don't know the first thing about being human" - impressive!
So happy we have resources like Sam's videos at our finger tips. I grew up in a family full of narcissists and enablers. So as the black sheep, I always felt like it was me doing something wrong or it was me that was the crazy one. A big clue for me growing up was that Id feel really calm around other people's families, but Id always be anxious around mine bc I always expected something crazy to go down. Even to this day, its impossible to have a relationship with them bc of their narcissism. Im 31 years old and Im already over other people's drama. I already put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best musician I can be. I dont care for anything thats going to hinder my career and life goals.
Both my mother and Ex are narcissists in the worst way. Both gullible and dumb when it comes to common sense and judgement. Both RN’s, coincidentally. My mother just fell for an online scam today, for the second time. I’ve spent all day, freezing accounts and getting things straightened out! They spend so much time on their emotional games and manipulation games, they learn nothing of the real world. They are foolish and make horrible life decisions.
We should start a support group or something. My mother and ex-partner (coincidence I think not) are both monstrous narcissists too.
This would be funny if it actually wasn't true. I spent the last 3 years tryna get out of debt caused by such ppls actions.
@@kigzman1745 Me too, Mum got me in 20k of debt at age 23 :-)
I knew one who was unbelievably stupid. Thought that putting all his money into a high-interest account THE DAY BEFORE interest became payable would get him a full 365 days of interest at that rate. Um, no. That's not how it works, bro.
@@niev1111 Glad you got away from your partner. It ain't always easy.
The “narcissistic” personality sounds like the personality of a “bratty spoiled selfish adolescent.” Sounds like they look at life as a game for them to “beat everyone else” and the ends justifies the means.
My grandfather, Dad and brother all narcissistic what you you said is correct also they live in a fantasy world my best advice is they can act normal but that is the bait and the trap
@@pict4119
I think that describes a huge portion of the population. I realize I could also be describing alpha animals, the people that intend to come out on top and principles are pointless. But I think some are not totally given over to their territorial self and have enough of a sense of right and wrong that they can be reformed - or it may also be that some normal people will take up the game of the territorial alpha only because there was no other way for them to survive. They didn’t want to but had to do it or they wouldn’t have a life. After living as a pseudo narcissist for a long time they learn more in life and realize they have regrets and would look for others to commune with who have empathy and a sense of community. But that might not be as common as I’d like to think.
yes, and they make and change the rules as they go. Its a competition you have no idea you are being sucked into.
That's what gives them so much power in a way. No matter the circumstances they will always try to manipulate you, even if it kills them. Very powerful. How do you not feel for them to a degree after their bad choices?
@@supermal112233. Yes! It is very easy to be sucked in, believing they need help. The problem is it’s impossible to help with what is really wrong, because it is only possible in early childhood. If I had known this before, it would have saved most of my productive years, lost to a hopeless relationship. This should be taught explicitly in schools, parenting classes, etc., especially before young people are involved in intimate relationships. They need to be equipped with all of the information in this video. I’m subscribing. The content creator clearly has scholarly mastery of this subject. Forgive me…it’s the first time I’ve seen this channel, so I don’t know his background. Many of the channels about narcissism are pop psychology, or the speakers seem narcissistic themselves. There is often a language of superiority and judgment that is discomfiting.
I told someone who I believe to be a covert that they should make up their mind about whether they were smart or stupid. In the end I just realized it didn't matter because I was done. I couldn't do or say anything I hadn't already tried. When someone is committed to destroying themselves and those around them, then step out of their way and let them do whatever they are going to do. Sometimes you need to take yourself out of someone elses misery and protect yourself.
Run.
Narcissists are the great pretenders. How awful it must be to have to play pretend all the time. Their existence is a absolute denial of reality. Terrifying. Who are they then exactly? Thanks for all the crystal clear clarity, Dr. Vaknin.
It is during moments of profound isolation, when the narcissist finds themselves stripped of their hallowed entourage, shattered and exposed to the bleakness of their true essence. To comprehend this phenomenon requires firsthand witnessing, for it is an abyssal realm rarely fathomed by those uninitiated. In this forsaken realm, one encounters a disheartening sight-a lost, sorrowful child dwelling amidst an expansive void. Behind the curtain, bereft of an audience or devoted followers, where the enticement of gain and the fear of loss hold no sway, the narcissist becomes an embodiment of sheer emptiness-a hollow vessel devoid of substance. There is nothing there.
@@dropdead_red sounds like you described narcissistic collapse and like a textbook would too! Fascinating
“Textbook”? No, no, no. That was my very best attempt at a Vaknin-ian presentation, (better than a textbook, although perhaps my attempt fell short, haha). Maybe you’ll prefer a toned down version: It is only when the narcissist finds themselves truly isolated, shattered, and exposed that glimpses of their authentic self emerge from beneath the facade. One must appreciate the inherent challenge of grasping this state if one has not directly witnessed it-a state characterized by profound feelings of desolation, sorrow, and an underlying sense of emptiness. Behind the metaphorical curtain, devoid of an audience or admirers, in a realm untouched by potential gains or losses, the narcissist embodies a living manifestation of emptiness.
@@dropdead_red you absolutely did not fall short. You have a much better grasp at written language than I do. It was a very well understood description.
I could tell you what they are but it would not be nice, so I'll refrain.
I read in Japan the first few years there are no tests but rather teaching kids basics of life.
Social interaction, respect, how to navigate the neighborhood with maps, cleanliness, responsibility, how to work as group, etc.
That sounds amazing!
Everything lacking here in the good old USA… school prepares kids for nothing here but to climb over each other and step on who ever is in your way to get ahead…
@@andrewwenner2781The department of education needs to be scrapped.
Do they also teach that working 16h shifts is a bad thing, and does it teach them to be upstanding against bad people, does it teach them to be strong?
@@eustacebagge3869 , they do bow to authority for sure, but apparently we bow to "science". 🥸
They are more of a homogeneous collective that works well and they are strong, if good leaders. Not as independent as Americans, but perhaps more resilient. Group vs. individualistic.
Fascinating insights. My mother is a covert narcissist, and she is extremely cunning when it comes to manipulating and engaging in narcissistic behaviours. The control she has over her environment is nothing short of incredible. She does use a combination of pseudo stupidity and martyrdom extremely well.
Your mother sounds very interesting. Add that to her appeal! :)
your name is interesting! i'm scorpio.🤞 my mum was like yours, and i fell 4 a grandiose hub... 😁
Sounds like she has a gangstalking spirit inside her
Sounds like my mom, but I don't think she's a narc, just co-dependent.
@@lucialuciferion6720Co-dependents are narcs too.
It amazes me at just how stupid they seem to think other people are and to me that's the worst mistake any one can make yet they never seem to try change that attitude.
I can confirm that narcissists repeat the same mistakes over and over. They're incapable of admitting that their way of doing things could be improved. It's another reason why it's so frustrating to live with these people, because you can never contribute anything in the sense of doing something better than they do.
Bingo
@@mastabla4509 Actually they sometimes do.
what's odd to me is that their mistakes are perceived by them as the way to go. I believe so, anyway. It might be frustrating, but why should everyone conform to one ideal anyways? Isn't it healthy to have diversity, obviously when it's not toxic, which I'm assuming you're implying they are, but still there are those who exist that want their own path and don't need to function the same. We're all different and have different perspectives, when done healthy, what's the problem?
The covert narc ex, all of his relationships ended the same way. CHEATING! I asked him why not get help, he was hell bent on fixing the problem himself. Needless to say a day like today I am no contact and the pattern continues. Women would manipulate him and take his money. One gave him a child of another race and while everyone could have seen the kid is obviously not his, he was quite gullible about it. When the child reached about 11 he did a test and found out, he was shocked lol. Everyone else was shocked that he was shocked. The list goes on and on. Everyone with whom he holds near and dear to him plays him for a fool. It was quite sad and funny to witness.
Does Bordelines also repeat the same errors ? Thx
I always felt that the average narcissist in many ways appeared quite conventionally smart. After all, they usually care very much about being 'better' than others, so they might be high achievers academically as a product of that desire to be the best. However where they tend to appear quite dumb is where it pertains to introspection. Especially when it puts them in a bad light. They can't seem to pick up on many of their flaws as they have a very heightened ego and lack empathy.
True X10.
Very low Emotional Quotient
They’re the poster children for being Self unaware, as well as unaware or disconnected from reality - from What IS. They project their delusions onto What IS, either because they believe you/everyone else is ignorant or they ARE ignorant. My life’s covert narcissists ARE Both - ultra ignorant and they think I’m/everyone else is ignorant; but especially me.
You don’t really need to have good grades or book smarts in order to fake it.
Funny, my narc mother was an "exemplary student" with all the achievements, which she and her mother were proudly rubbing into my face on every occasion.
And still, she, for example, failed at grasping the common knowledge necessary for survival, like the basic school physics, doing the most moronic things probably even a child would figure out. Then pretending people around her don't exist and she never screwed up.
She tried so hard to compensate her lack of common sense with education, which *could've* helped in her situation tbh, but she failed even at that. 🤷 All she can do now is throw cool terms around that make her appear smart.
Having good grades ≠ being knowledgeable.
My 2 cents, the narc is so self focused they do not grow like a normal human being. Arrested development.
Case dependent?@@perilousturtle2171
@@perilousturtle2171
The liar and slanderer
bullseye
@@perilousturtle2171their parents
My father was sexually abused by his older brother and just grew up in a toxic environment in general. I dont't doubt that treatment gave him a huge inferiority complex. I don't know if he's a narcissist, but he has tons of traits. His half brother and half niece definitely are.
Glad to have found this channel. If I understand correctly, narcissists might seem stupid because their traumas forced them into self-protection mode. Therefore, most of their time and energy is spent focusing on their coping mechanisms (at everyone else's expense) instead of developing practical life skills-like humility and altruism.
Nope 😂.
bro they just retards that's all lol
I think it has nothing to do with intelligence. Met clever ones and thick ones. It's the empathy that's missing.
If your only drive is your egotistical needs, at some point, you have to do away with what is right, both intellectually and emotionally to quench the thirst. So for outsiders, they will eventually look like taking stupid decisions (affairs, lying, fraud, drugs, violence etc)
Yeah, I wish more people understood this.
It's so hard for me to come to terms with this, and I don't know why.
@@Jade-hr1mf same.😢 sadly.
Oh well. You have not been in a situation where you life is matter. These will escalate the situation to the point you get injured. Very stupid and stupidity when insights are required to make safe and sound choices.
Had a boss who was a textbook malignant narcissist but with a high IQ, and I was known for being the only one in the company who could deal with him (by applying teachings on narcissism) so I got to know him pretty well. Despite his IQ (he managed to hijack a department by installing a software only he understood because the bosses were greedy fools) his life decisions were totally baffling. He easily could have had a six-figure salary AND an easy life but he went out of his way to sabotage himself. Basically destroyed himself despite incredibly easy fixes to his life he was too immature to follow through on. It was baffling for most to watch.
lack of executive function due to inability to accept personal accountability at an emotionally mature level.
Interesting....would like to do what he did to ditch himself?
@@KingEdwardMD No, he was a malignant narc and he knew it and what's more is he knew I knew. To the point he verbally admitted it more than once. I have met and read about BPD males and this was not one.
@@KingEdwardMD It sounds like you do not understand that some narcissists end up leading chaotic, self-destructive lives and think this is exclusive to borderlines but that is far from true. He enjoyed being feared/hated. He was driven by highly compulsive behaviors on behalf of a godlike False Self. He would talk the ear off anyone who would listen while ranking them as supply but was nonetheless consistently hateful of everyone he was surrounded by. He was far too aggressive and demeaning for his own good on a constant basis. He was 100% self aware he was a narcissist. He had a single Island of Stability he desperately clung to. I literally dealt with him by applying teachings on narcissism and it worked. I find it very odd you are so confident in your opinion when all the evidence points to the opposite and you never met the man.
All the narcs I know self sabotage. I’m not expert on any disorder but I have been learning and went ‘BINGO’ about 30 years in my marriage when I heard a video on covert narcissism. I would’ve never thought it at all as the ‘problem’ I couldn’t comprehend why we cycled. All I know is self sabotage is a huge problem in my relationships… with what I consider narcs of one form or another now.
Yes, it's very sad that childhood trauma can really mess you up for life.
They come from all walks of life.
@@Persiphon Most are severe abuse victims. The reality is, when you take a piss on a narcissist, you are making fun of abuse victims. But they deserve it, right? Oooof... Who lacks empathy again?
@@selkiehimbo the ones I know are not abuse victims , they haven't gone through childhood trauma either .
The child abuse survivors I do know are lovely people. One is a bit snappy but it's understable as they've only just started seeking professional help but this person isn't abusive either.
As I said they come from all walks of life saying they are mostly child abuse victims is wrong because people with these behaviours also come from homes where there was no abuse.
You know who wants us to have pity and think of narcs as victims? Narcs
@@selkiehimboit’s like the chicken and the egg . When the narc is abusing you, must we turn the other cheek ?
My father is and always has been a full blown Narcissist, never once in my 56 years has he asked how do I feel about how he destroyed my life, instead choosing the option that he thinks he has never done anything wrong, UNBELIEVABLE!! my only way I have dealt with this is by telling him he is not worth going to prison for and he still doesn't get it , I truly believe their minds are detached from reality
Can relate, except it's my mother who is the narcissist. Always fighting with her family and her bosses, and can't stay employed for more than a month while more and more of her relatives want nothing to do with her- yet she insists everyone is conspiring against her, and I've spent my entire life listening to her give exaggerated retellings of horrible things her parents SAID to her when she was a child, some 50 years earlier- and everyone else who knew her disputes her stories.
She slowly drove my family apart for no reason.
@@theguybehindyou4762She might not be lying about the horrible things said to her. Might as well be generational trauma's with narcissists breeding narcissists. What most don't get is that, being abused does not give you the right to abuse others. So even if her being a narc comes from her bad family herself, it is not an excuse for her being shitty.
That's just bad character on top of being a narc.
@@picklepopsickle Plenty decent narcs that are just annoying and dont make their problem your problem. Narcissism doesn't excuse blatant abuse, and most narcissists have bad character as well as being self-loving.
Totally relate. My dad just " doesn't know what got into me " well pops maybe the neglect and physical abuse mixed with verbal abuse had a tiny bit to do with it but what do I know I'm just the person whos life was ruined before it began.
@@theguybehindyou4762I hate my family because they are very narcissistic dynamics so 🤷🏻♀️
I've been following you and learning from you since 2001! You have made an enormous difference. Over the years, you have helped me avoid, navigate & get out several Narcissistic relationships that have crossed my path.
A year ago, I wouldn't have known what you were talking about. With these last 5 months of getting an education and looking back, it was beyond healing. I can now see and isolate a bunch of memories of Narc and flying monkey encounters. I feel emboldened to push through to a better future, armed with knowledge of myself and the true social landscape.
Can I ask you some? It's the first time I listen to him because of suggestions. I have been listening to many people on this topic. Can say my father and brother has been active ly mean bully narcissists. Sometimes dangerous. And by the end of the video I foundany things he says apply to me but can also apply to many people around that aren't narcissists. Now I might have narcissist tendencies, or at least some sort of personality disorders. I think. I mean more than other at least. The near end one was more me. The critical voices inside (whom they places in me) etc. But I found it very disturbing, throughout the video how he call names and laughs, and calls names really like a bully, enjoying calling people belittling things in a very unempathic way frightened me. Is he a bully? I don't think we should talk about people like this. I understand very mean people can upset us, but he was just going after all mentally challenging people in my opinion. Like he would kick an addict on the street calling them idiots.
@@jhavajoe3792there are countless better channels to learn these is what I want to be saying. Because writing the comment, I am sure his approach was not OK.
@m8nemi He is very open about being a Narcissist himself.
Lucky you
They are stupid because when they found people who loves them, they treat them poorly and loose them. Somebody smart has healthy relationships. And wins without games. You can fool the world but not yourself 🙂
someone smart would know the difference between "loose" and "lose"
@@JAYSPLASHMUSICIDK, some people learn through other's mistakes. then do not care for others. *ponders* makes me wonder if society is a whole mess of a mistake recently.
@@JAYSPLASHMUSIC maybe English wasn't their first language? I know a lot of people who learned English as a second language have a problem with "loose" and "lose".
@@anthonymangia8890yeah I used to have the same problem , because it's my second language as well.
Don't be stupid. People who has loved me were narcissists psychopaths.
Your reality is incomplete
Thanks, Sam, and congratulations on identifying the hideous personality disorder that is narcissm. Your insights, knowledge and understanding are astounding.
The person who used to be in my life was a narcissist covert. I knew the man since I was 14 years old, married to him for 20 years with five kids divorced from him for over 30 years now. Not once did I see him make a wise choice or decision, if it was made it was because I was the push behind it, only to have me turn my back, and he would do what he wanted anyway. It never occurred to him to do what was in the best interest of his family even after my discussion with him on that.
He really was stupid to not think about the consequences of his bad behavior to me and his family, and that he could lose us. But why would he? He thought he was the epitome of goodness and worthiness.
He told me he didn’t want to get out of the marriage that he was happy. I told him I would’ve been happy too, had I been treated as good as he was treated.
You are so right about the pseudo-stupidity. I once told him he wasn’t as stupid as he acted if he was one of our five children would be stupid and they were not.
This scares me. I am 36 and my husband 33 we have been together for 6 years and I realized he’s a covert narcissist unfortunately I come from a family with abuse and addiction so my judgement is off. I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that his issue come from his father is w covert narcissist and his mother who is definitely enmeshed but she’s suffering from her own marriage. I am not a priority. I am told I am number 1 but it’s all about him and his family. I’m like an intruder. I have even pregnant every single year ( unfortunately we lost all of them) I am now 18 weeks again and I feel that i knowingly walked into the lions den and decided to stay. Ugh. He makes horrific decisions based on his family’s whims of that day! I mean huge life choices! Ughhh
@@alyciamarie4163 get out of there :c
@@alyciamarie4163 please consider leaving or he will Destroy you. Recognise you Worthy of a great future reclaim your Crown.
@@alyciamarie4163 your body tells you every time it wants to leave the situation. Just listen. Crossed fingers and lots of strength to you ❤
@@alyciamarie4163Seriously, if you haven't already, please consider getting out. It's horrible how the narcissist pulls you back in. You can have months of "good times" where you almost forgot how bad it was last time... maybe this time he'll be better. HE WON'T. There is no cure for this. Please save yourself while you can.
My dad was never diagnosed with anything, for one because he would never seek the help for his issues. As far as he was concerned, he was perfect and it is the rest of the world who is wrong. But if I'm right that my dad was a narcissist, he may have been smart with stuff like math, but stupid when it came to dealing with people. He was really good at wasting whatever intelligence he had to be mean, destructive and manipulative. He could have used all that to do good, but he instead was abusive.
Sounds like autism. Keep deleting my comments but you people don’t know the difference between autism and narcissism.
Bingo on covert narcissists acting stupid on purpose…they seem to relish creating frustration and any negative response just boosts their love of victimhood
They act stupid so you do the things they don't want or won't learn how to do on their own.
When I was in my borderline state I cringe at the decisions I made regarding life skills. Clearly not operating at my fullest potential of wisdom.
It's very self-limiting to believe that you can control others. It's not just narcissists who have that problem.
Borderlines and psychopaths too.
Never seen a narc create anything beautiful or nice. It’s always thrown together sloppily. It’s a nightmare when they do crappy home projects&think it’s acceptable.
Yeah it's always needed to be done again and now 3x the work and money bc he messed it up and didn't do it right.
Or how about start 5 home projects and finish NONE!
@@Puppylove82-gv3gm I agree that's frustrating but it doesn't prove narcissism.
ACOAs ( adult child of an alcoholic) also do that.
Omg my narcissistic parents destroyed my childhood home with their half arsed sh*t projects and repairs they slopped together that need even more repairs to fix the damage they did 😂 and guess who is going to have to repair and pay for it.. not them 🥲
@@mominminnesota6648 so very true,he moved into my house,which i have been in for years with no problems.Twenty years later after his so called DIY attempts!!! the house is wrecked he believed he was a plasterer, plumber, electrician, joiner, carpet cushion floor & laminate floor fitter and the list goes on.(jack of all trades master of none)Thank God lt’s OVER and i’m in RECOVERY. Xx
I think you have solved all mental disorders, all family issues, the roots to addiction, and I watched hoarders today...I think this can be plugged into that also!
Definitely hoarders! They are "stupid" blind to the emotional pain and health issues they cause other family members. Unbelievable selfishness. It's all about control by way of barricades of cr*p to drive people away! 🤮
I have to say I had a thrill every time you called an N…stupid. Thank you - it reverses for me a lot of the crazy making I underwent.
Thank you Sam for saving my life! I’m forever grateful!
hey sam, thanks for this video, so i have a friend npd, he is very proud of himself, even though people are actually making fun of him. everyone just laughed at his strange behavior. and he doesn't realize that he is being belittled.
There is no shortage of narcissists in my family and past relationships. As you put it... Yes very STUPID! When I look back I can't help but feel I was sooo stupid to put up with the behavior! Thank you for the vid!!
I like being alone ive fantasized about being the only one left on earth since i was a child. Solitude makes me thrive i love it. My family disowned me. I thanked them
I learned much from a relationship with a high IQ Narc. Lessons I'll never forget. What good is an Einstein if they stab you in the heart ( figuratively speaking)?
Excellent presentation on this video. Hats off to your groundbreaking in the 90's! Anyone who breaks new ground has to be tough as nails with a flood of detractors.
If I may add: what good is an Einstein if he is a junkie, crackhead, thrice convicted felon, and pathological liar to boot? Yes, I knew one. It took me ten years to extricate him from my life and I feel the repercussions to this day.
Einstein himself did that too. Read about his relationships esp with his wife.
Watch out everybody. Keeping your circle small seems like a wise decision. Don't want to accidentally let one of these people into our serenity. Great video.
go outside people, small lives are not worth small people
Have learnt so much from Sam. He is a blessing ❤
My mother uses what I refer to as "weaponized ignorance". She leverages it in situations to seem helpless and defenseless. She would ask for help for things as basic as turning on her TV. After I left, I noticed that she had no difficulty creating Amazon accounts, changing her DNS settings on her home automation. All of the things she would pretend to be ignorant about, she was skilled. After leaving, she was perfectly capable of doing those things herself... glad I realized it before I spent another day being played like a fool.
"They keep forgetting the facts". So after he was left by me after 26 years, went to an excellent therapist for 3+ years and found a new women....she moved in, he likely felt huge stress, so reverted to his vocal lashing out (typically screamed and repeated himself about an hour), and she left a few days later. Then he makes sure to give good PR to those in his circle that he did everything right. Never learned a thing. He is quite capable in his field yet probably shouldn't have gone on to 7th grade so spends lots of energy unsuccessfully hiding it. He would use me (college grad) to help him hide. Let me congratulate you. And thank you for your fine work!
Again, very good! Probably what surprises a victim is the not being able to get over their stupidity. ❤
Profoundly moronically stupid to the point, the victim initially doubts- that anyone could be this mind-blowing Stupid!? Thus, (mistakes) in giving them a 2nd chance, instead of running from Stupid! Like we will all do from now on. 😊
I'm borderline (old diagnosis, not sure if accurate). We aren't all running around trying to cause problems. I'm also avoidant and prone to panic attacks and have always had horrible social anxiety. People have always scared the hell outta me. To me, the average person seems to lack self-awareness and self control, being primarily motivated by status, their sex drive and gluttony (I'm American, so I'm surrounded by shallow horny fat people). I'm also the type to act stupid (I'm trying to break this habit), but that's just to get along with people at work. I don't have an agenda, I just want to get along.
Edit: My inability to relate to people stems from my upbringing, not a lack of empathy. I was raised in poverty by a schizophrenic single mother, so my emotional development is different than most people's. I genuinely feel for others, but I can also ignore my emotions and rationalize regardless of circumstances and act regardless of my emotional state. Most people seem to let their emotions dictate their perceptions and behaviors, which is another reason I avoid people.
Edit 2: And although I'm arrogant, I know objectively I'm nothing special. I have the benefit of working customer service, so I've had thousands of people to interact with and compare myself to. My obsession with viewing myself objectively is not great for my self esteem lol. And I don't blame others for my shortcomings. I know when I fail at something, it's because I didn't give enough effort or someone else gave better effort.
But I'm also a contradiction.
I've read somewhere that many autistic women are wrongly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Just saying
You mentioned your self esteem. I think the trick for us is to accept ourselves for who we are. We have to do the best we can and stop comparing ourselves to others. I just watched this excellent video on how to change one's inner monologue: th-cam.com/video/3NWKgNv8fQY/w-d-xo.html
I'm borderline to, stay strong bro!
I think that we are all contradictions, ultimately. But not all of us know ourselves deeply enough to see it.
Please keep communicating.
The ones I grew up with, if you didn't agree with them, threw such temper tantrums, there would be physical violence, screaming, throwing of furniture, YEARS of the silent treatment, and so on... So, people simply stopped correcting them. They also completely surrounded themselves with Yes folk, making sure every idea of theirs is considered worthy of a Nobel prize. The best part was, (I am talking about my sister in this story, because I could never comprehend how someone with two reasonably intelligent parents and such great social skills could be so impressively dumb), when she tried to convince experts that they are wrong. Like, my FIL, who was a beekeeper for 50 years and my sister has never even seen a bee up close. Or my husband, an ex-soldier and war history buff. Or any of our guests - like a friend of mine who was a midwife, my sister tried to convince her of idiotic things and my friend was just ... looking at me while I signaled "just let her talk. It's bound to stop eventually." Mind, my sister has 8 grades of primary school and the only job she ever had in 40 years was once in her teenage years, waitressing. She has never, and I mean never, ever read a book. I am not joking. But disagree with her, and she will throw the dinner plate WITh food at you, screaming.
I, for one am very grateful for your work, Professor Vaknin. It wasn't until i came across your work that I was able to discern that I was being played and abused by a narc. Without your work I would still be so confused. I got out with my life, but barely. I thank God for your work.
You've got jokes professor..i like your style😎...Thank you for your work💜🇬🇧 🙏🏾
Stupid because they refuse to learn from their mistakes. Our mistakes are goldmines of wisdom!! It is folly to heap your sins on a sacrificial scapegoat. It’s fruitless and sad. I am a daughter of the sins (and blessings) of my forefathers and I choose to break the cycle, here and now: within my psyche. I will pay the piper and expect no one else to foot my bill. I cling jealously to my hard lessons. I did the misdeeds and I own the consequences. If I learn from them and change my ways, that’s winning to me.
Your statement alone is showing your already winning, you can DO the healing.I have utmost confidence you can "cycle-break " !! Get peace,God Bless you !! To the great future !!❤️💜
Learn from others mistakes. You won’t live long enough to make them all on your own. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Bless you & God keep you safe now. Your brave & the ultimate generational survivor
With Prayers✝️& Peace❤️💜
You have literally turned my whole life around in so many ways! Congrats!
I think wisdom has a component of kindness and compassion, so it doesn’t align well with narcissism.
You are the undisputed Godfather, OG and GOAT of Narcissism education. Thank you for everything!
@@EmmaJean-pq6sm GOAT is the acronym (abbreviation using first letter) for "Greatest Of All Time." 😉👍🌻
I can be so difficult as someone who has been with a narcissist for many years not to believe you are a narcissistic person. You take on their narcissist trates so much. I do remember who I was which wasn't always a nice person but I would never do to someone else what has been done to me.
It's just catching fleas. 😅 Keep washing ❤
@@pysq8 👍🏾😂
There are plenty of you who love your work and you help people so much.
The covert narcissist in my life probably knew she wasn't that intelligent. As an adult, she didn't learn any significant new skills. I think she was terrified of failing, or more importantly, failing infront of others.
I always thought it was strange that she wouldn't read any instruction manuals before setting something up. I now know it's because she couldn't handle the shame of incorrectly putting together a bookshelf!
It also explains why she passive-aggressively hated me doing any self-improvement work and would try to sabotage me.
that is my situation to a tee. The self sabotage due to not wanting to look like you don't already know what you are doing is absolutely insane. Thing is that everyone kind of knows what this feels like. I related to my narcissist because she had a lot of child like shame which I related to. little did I know it was self imposed and that she wasn't just waiting for someone to help her out of her "shell".
Crabs in a buck.
I believe it's very important to remember intelligence is not insight.
Actually it is,it literally is the same word.Intelligence means in-read(insight)
💗 In my experience, Narcs tend to not realize how incredibly transparent their own grandiosity or covert martyr complexes are. They think they're being very clever typically when really most people choose not to confront them over things because it's just too exhausting to do so. BPD tend to have incredible weak spots around betrayal blindness with their FPs and even in cases where they have been repeatedly betrayed or seen evidence that the person has betrayed others, think that if they continue to go to the intense lengths bpd people go to for their FP, they won't get betrayed no matter how unlikely that is, (this is projection, basically in BPDland, all you have to do is remain the FP and the BPD person would literally go to jail for a murder you committed, they naturally assume everyone else is capable of that type of loyalty which is why they are so prone to low self esteem because they think everyone who wouldn't go to jail for a murder they committed is probably incapable of love, which is literally true as they understand it so...) psychopaths usually think nobody notices their addiction to risky adrenaline seeking behavior are when they hide them in socially acceptable ways.
It has gotten to the point where i can't even look at my covert passive-aggressive narcissist sister anymore. Her behavior is just so clearly performative, yet she continues the same manipulative behavior all the time. Even more frustrating is the rest of my family not catching on.
Same. I’m like a scapegoat in my family. It’s annoying
@@yutu... That sux - I def know how that feels. What helped me a lot was realizing that those enabling the behaviors are defacto collaborators of the npds abusive ways. This perspective was liberating.
Run my friend and don't look back.
I get it. I was the scapegoat and that's how it is. Try to take comfort that this struggle will make you more emotionally intelligent and resilient. Your sister may stall. That's my experience anyway. You aren't alone.
This is more helpful for me as one diagnosed with PTSD/BPD than most psychoanalysis and counsel ive received and heard. I understand your usage of the word stupid as foolish or unwise. I needed that called out.
Thank you for bringing up that IQ tests do not test the ability to live properly… I just divorced a covert narcissist. Everyone thinks he’s such a nice guy, so humble.
Thank you for describing and explaining pseudo stupidity in the covert narcissist. It helps me to understand what I was dealing with.
Thank you for your work Professor, Sam! So many are very grateful to you for sharing your knowledge .
Absolutely. Many of us struggle to steer clear of what stems from what. Certain kind of stupidity can be very useful nowadays, there are always other stupids that want to save you and avoid taking responsibility of their own lives. The same old story..
I just want to say it’s been 2 months since I left him.If it wasn’t for these video’s from all the support online,I would probably still be there,it helped me see what is actually happening and For years I couldn’t leave ,I accumulated enough knowledge and finally left and for the first time be able to without the trauma . Thank you . That’s putting it mildly 💝
First off Congratulations on your accomplishments in this field. You have helped me become able to see behaviors and cycles that normally I would ignore to my own detriment. I don't know what I would have done if not had I found your channel. A hundred thanks for saving my sanity...and a hundred more for saving me.
I watched your video on narcissistic parents years ago and it really resonated with me, but I was still in the cycle of narcissistic abuse and I felt hopeless and worthless most of the time. Watching this video now, I know I have to do something to help myself.
I'm 35, disabled, and I've had no major accomplishments in my life; nothing I'm proud of. My mantra has always been, "it's too late for me," but I hope that's not true
I’m disabled too and left my narc partner, I’m starting over but finically having issues(that’s why I was with him so long) However, after the first step the rest will fall into place hope you’re doing well
@@beepboop9519 Good luck to you as well. I heard it's hard to truly get away, but I have hope for a better future
If you leave you will find a better partner.
I congratulate you too! Awesome channel.😃👍
Dark personalities are the ones that tend to survive in dark times. Much love to everyone ❤
Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
davidc, thank you for introducing me to this brilliant quote. It perfectly encapsulates what I'd been trying to articulate for myself. Wow! I've just added it as a signature line to my email so that I can share it with others. Thank you so much!
But those who are well adjusted to dysfunction can help others navigate through it.
I love your approach of cluster B. Many people talk about narcissist or antisocial like they are the demon of the world. The details you give are very interesting !
I'm 49 years old I've lived with narcissistic parents and triangulated brothers and sisters my whole life, I'm going through hell and I'm still trying to finish dating and rebuild my life, but I find it incredible that for some things when it comes to blackmailing to turn the arguments in their favor, narcissists are so skilled and for other more general issues they are stupid and closed-minded
Look for the red flags. Stop getting sucked into narcissistic relationships. There are many good videos on narcissism on TH-cam now.
Sir, you are my #1 go to. Thank you.
Congratulations, Sam. Many of us do know the contribution you’ve made to the world. You are worthy of praise.
he is awful
This blew my mind. I am divorcing a BPD after she discarded me. She always seemed so unbelievably "unwise". Great video.
I am absolutely fascinated by Dr. Vaknin's knowledge of all these disorders. He gives so much valuable information in such detail, more than anyone else I have seen. One would never suspect the complexities of these personalities.
I appreciated what you had to say. This higher standard is what i look for in trying to better myself. Very different from American psychology and psychiatry but A higher bar helps me feel more supported.
You are spot on with every single thing you say about the different disorders! Thank you for giving it to us straight! Fellow people Please be aware that these people are dangerous unless they get serious about therapy to become more level headed WITH EVIDENCE in their life skills! They need intense therapy!
Im bpd and I’m not dangerous. Some ppl are dangerous not all ppl. I was abused and bullied my whole childhood and life so now I have codependency and anxiety issues all of which causes me to be in harms way over and over. Im not a danger. I’ve had neurotypical ppl abuse and even sexually abuse me as well as groom me. Im not the danger. It’s so disheartening to survive all of this just to see ppl stigmatize and demonize my disorder.
It's remarkable how Sam runs down many of my brother's character traits along with their root causes. And to be honest, kind of a relief as well to know that the patterns I've noticed are real.
Wow its taken me 45 years to finally admit that this is me.
Now what are you going to do about it? Help yourself and your environment. Good luck
❤
I appreciate Sam's stern tone towards self-victimizing, as opposed to the more prevalent, comforting 'therapeutic' tone applied in most videos towards victims of abuse. Self-victimizing and learned helplessness (which intersect with psuedo-stupidity) create a feral state of being and should be treated as such. It has immediately negative effects and therefore urgently begs to be changed, if change is possible, or its impact minimized if not.
While it is true that past, violent victimization WAS NOT a product of the victim's agency (it obviously was not your fault), ongoing, self-victimizing behavior IS, and such behavior IS ALSO a form of abuse. A former victim of abuse rendered pseudo-stupid is therefore not so different from their original abusers.
Congratulations Professor Vaknin for your work. Thank you so much.
Brilliant !! Thankyou for the clarity Sam.
Wow! Just Wow! This was powerful. I always wondered why these people dont learn any lessons in life but keep repeating the same old nonsense. Many thanks Professor Vaknin.
I would like if you can cover topics like dealing with narcissistic/dark personality neighbours, bosses and housing bosses and landlords who abuse clients and refuse to resolve simply matters till they end up in court. For example a man moved in the apartment above me he tried to get me to come to his apartment straight away I said absolutely not I dont know you. Then the anonymous letters started coming in my door, the stalking both outside and at home I got the police involved but this idiot just cant seem to learn what no means or how to behave. He even said to the police the reason I didn't want anything to do with him is because he is so handsome and I want him. I was baffled for 3 years I endure harassment to numerous to mention here.
This discussion was absolutely informative and brought insight into why these types though having good education or good at their jobs still are such idiots when it comes to basic life skills and decency.
When raised by a narcissist and his victim (my mother), you dont learn to run from that type of relationship, you learn how to cope. So as an adult when a narcissist comes along they can see that you dont have any defenses. I really wish I had had a better upbringing so I wasnt stuck in now my second marraige to a narcissist who has destroyed every aspect of our life and family.😢
Unfortunately this is very true. Iim sorry! I can relate. You got out once you can do it again! Get a support system and go.
fucking story of my life, holy shit
My advice: get out.
I'm sorry to ask, how did they destroy every aspect of your life and family? I'm worried about someone making up stories to my friends and family and making them seem believable because this man is cunning.
Sam, you’re a light to the nations, whether you believe it or not! Look forward to more! ❤
You nailed it in all these ways that I wish others faced as well. They often have issues with addiction as well that emphasizes all of these symptoms and more. It's just awful for the rest of the family that has to deal with it.
Congrats Prof. Vaknin! I’m so grateful to have come across your work when I began studying this topic. Your content is still as unique as it was back then, and I have found it most valuable to this day. Thank you for all you do!
It always shocks me when I think about the clusterB person I knew, that all they aspire to do with their talent of lying without remorse, is to just live off government checks and grift lonely women 😂
See if you search on google engine "Cluster A" "Cluster B" and "Cluster C test" you can take the tests for each cluster in the row, so you can see if you have any tendency to became one of them.
Congratulations 🎉 and thank you for bringing this subject to light!
Ugh, the hapless/helpless victim. Didn't sign up to parent another child, thanks!
As I was listening to this video how true it rang for me. Some hours ago I cooked myself and my friend some dinner and made him welcome to stay the night in separate accomodation on my property.
The first chance he gets when he thinks I have gone to bed; he flees into the night to go and persue the drug of his addiction.
This person is intelligent, has charisma
and good looks.
But alas he is stupid.
And I'm also stupid for having anything to do with him and giving him a helping hand.
Ok, he has an addiction (so you do, but probably pretend you don't consume things to provoke a certain state of mind as alcohol, porn, junk food, sugar, coffee, adrenaline, etc) that you don't understand and you think you are better than him because of your food and porpety you offer to a named friend? Of course you're stupid.
You're not so stupid as to figure out the mistake and adjusted upon realizing it. A Narc won't introspect, so mistakes will be repeated over and over.
Good looking did you say....
Sometimes we have to mourn the friend who is no longer our friend. Call it possession or any $10 word you choose. Their only friend is their drug of choice and they will do anything to spend time with it.
I Don't Get Why That Makes Him A Bad Friend...He Didn't Steal From You, Didn't Screw You Over...You Seem Like A Bad Friend For Lacking Empathy & Understanding & Not Meeting People Where They Are Instead Of Expecting They Conform To Your Ideal...I'm Sure If It Were That Easy, They Gladly Would.
Professor I can not thank you enough , for 35 yrs I have been worried, frustrated & baffled by my brother's behavior and personality.
Although he is on medication and apparently has a 'coding ' (?) from his GP I have been trying to understand his condition to get him some help & support.
The video you have uploaded has answered so many questions and I will further research and save this video to help him out.
Thank you so much again , you will make the future for my brother so much better 🙏
Thank you so much Prof. Vaknin for your ground breaking work and talks on TH-cam. I agree completely with your assertions. Based on personal experience, I am one of the people who possesses extreme EQ - emotional intelligence, not to mention a conventional OK IQ of about 125. And with several relationships I can say that this is what the narcissistic person absolutely lacks! These people thrived on living off my "life skills" - where I provided the social intelligence, judgment, regulation of impulse and beneficial long term planning and judgement that makes one a success in life that they simply did not have. Yet after being with me for years, they did not change. They could not learn, by lecture or example, and in the end either drove me away, or abandoned me thinking they didn't need my support (to their great detriment). I learned life's lessons and was able to find a wonderful partner and have a happy, highly productive relationship.
As someone who is diagnosed with BPD, this video really, really hurt. It is unbelievably accurate.
Yes, it really hurt. I hoped that in the end, he would say something about perhaps rare and very difficult but possible methods of fixing narcissistic personality disorder. What should narcissists do then? forget about having normal life and isolate from society?
If I had it, I'd feel like crap if I went through this comment section. Having thousands of people crapping on people with similar traits to myself.
A lot of the things he says are just not true or not the full truth. Calling it stupid because they do things that are stupid is crazy. The reason they do 'stupid' things has nothing to do with stupidity so calling it stupid doesnt make any sense to me and it is really closed minded imo. And not every borderline is the same. Some people are way better at not expressing emotions and its not all how this guy says it is. I am way better at not expressing my emotions. And I can rationalize my emotions and recognize that what I'm feeling doesnt make any sense and not act upon it.
@rareben395 exactly that's the word I was looking for close-minded because half of the people here had one bad interaction with NPD, and now that shapes their entire view of them as a group. May be bold of me to say, but that should be a mental illness in itself.
Oh wow TH-cam deleted my comment reply to rareben. 🖕 free speech I guess 🤷
I'm addicted to your videos... I watch them every night before I go to bed and everytime I'm doing chores or doing my nails. 😂 I learn so much! Thank you. ❤
Amazing video Sam and Yes you were the first one to explain narcissism to its core
My ex would always say everyone else is stupid. She is the smart one but had mental breakdowns because she didnt know how to handle tasks.
Her birthday was on a weekend and she simply had to copy some data from a sheet of paper into excel. She cried and did not do it.
Part if the crying was also her being upset of getting older.
Back then I did not know what narcissism is.
So I did the work for her and all the sudden she was a different person.
Sometimes I thought she is completely stupid.
She loves routine and always talked about the same things to show how smart she is.
I dated a woman, and we were talking about marriage. I explained to her I usually wouldn't marry a woman if she's also dating and having intimacy with men in my social circle. Instead of replying like a grown adult and recognising my feelings. She replied "but they wouldn't be at our wedding anyway" 🤣🤣🙄🙄
🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 I have had responses similar to that from my x
😳🤣😂
My ex narc would send nudes to guys within the same social circle and have sex with them. All relatively wealthy.
The guys see her as a easy sex toy and she is still proud each time she gets them for a night.
When she realizes that they wont become her boyfriend she has a meltdown and travels to a old guy 500km away and spends a weekend with him.
Then she comes back and does the dame again.
@@kofokofo they're crazy how they repeat the same behaviour, I used to put one on ice regularly for poor behaviour, she would go insane to get me back apologising profusely. Then she would repeat the same silly behaviour within 3 weeks.
@@mercenary1881 she is crazy but I also feel sorry for her.
I got warned by a friend who is from the same place as she is. Apparently her whole family is akward. Now I know her mom is mentally sick and seeing therapists for 10-15 years. Her dad does not care and simply buys her a second horse to make her happy. after a few months i reached out to the dad and told him a few things. What he responded was: “im surprised now. She always said u treated her well”. What has this to do with her issues?!
I still gave it a try and regret it so much now. It took me 9 months to get her out of my head.
All the pretending and her putting on a show.
She would behave differently with different people. When they were in the same place she did not know how to behave.
I also got STDs from her and her response was: why from me?
I: I did not have sex with anyone for 1.5 years and u pulled of the condom during sex.
She: its the governments fault because they do not teach us anything about these diseases. WTF
I checked her phone after I had concerns.
What I saw was just sick and when I told her she was super embarrassed that I figured out what she is.
She thinks she is super smart and people cant see through her.
Lot of guys i know blocked her because she harassed them or because they thought she is crazy.
Many of them simply ignored her
It's the lies that make me perceive NPD's as stupid. The lies they engage in are often breathtaking. The idea that one would believe that others would believe such lies just boggles my mind.
Your excellent communication skills combined with your deep knowledge makes your content highly informative. Thank you!!! :) Like honestly it is hard to find content that grows my knowledge of these subjects because I have already learned so much about the basics of these subjects, so thank you again for filling that niche
Thank you! Always a pleasure to listen to such clear and often funny discourse!!
Lmao. Mine was such a nasty piece of work but dumb as a doorknob too. Multiple times I had to give him warnings about not doing something dangerous or neglectful only to watch him sneer at me, do it anyways, and then get the exact consequences I warned him of 30 seconds to 24 hours before the idiotic action.
Example:
It's January in the Midwest US. The back stairs are icy af lol. He goes to open the door and follow his dogs outside, down these 3 stairs. He makes it down okay and when he comes up them I again tell him to be careful. He arrogantly tells me that I'm being too careful or whatever. In his stupid rush, on the second stair, he slips and busts his one knee so hard on the pavement, stone crumbles and ice that his jeans rip, his knee cracks the ice, that knee swells for a week and has such a bad gash that he still carries the scar from it to this day 😊 And I still call it his bitch knee 😂
On vacation once, there was a river we were visiting. His narcissistic family, despite there being glass bottles seen about in places, encouraged each other to go in without river shoes. I told him it was an awful idea and he could well get a bad cut. Indeed, he and his parents totally dismissed me... he and the dad went out.. ten minutes later, dad comes back carrying ma boy 😂 he cut his big toe so deep that it was almost to the bone and had a huuuge thick skin flap hanging off. Dude was almost crying in pain. After they got it sanitized, wrapped etc he had to wear a special sandal on that foot for the rest of that 10 day vacation, use a cane/crutches, change that bandage often, almost had to go for stitches and still has that gnarly scar today.
There are others, but I used to marvel to him all the time that I was baffled as to how he made it past 5. He wound up getting serious therapy for his issues and is in a great place now, but still has those physical reminders to keep him humble 😎
What made him eventually get therapy? Does he have empathy now or just able to control his emotions
@Jade-hr1mf Hi, Jade. I think that's a wonderful question and I appreciate you taking the time to ask.
He was highly narcissistic, but over time, even though I was financially and physically trapped with him, I kept brutally shooting him down whenever he would want to make a move on me or get closer to me emotionally, romantically. I kept telling him and roasting him over and over about all the ways he was a horrible person and partner, and why I found he and his family disgusting.
Because he wanted my approval, love and access to me so badly, he would occasionally accidentally listen to the sense I was speaking and it would sink in. After several years of that and his own stupidity catching up with him in literally the ways I would predict, he was mystified and impressed enough that he began asking me to help him understand HOW I knew what was going to happen.
I had then to teach him about infantilization and emotional, social, mental, moral stunting when one is raised by narcissists or psychopaths (I seriously believe that his father is an overt narcissist, and his sister and his mother are diagnosable psychopaths), and the many, many ways he and his siblings had been through extreme abuse and neglect since birth, likely.
From there, he realized that he didn't have to live in poverty, filth, anger and constant social paranoia. He wanted to go to therapy alongside my feedback to learn how to live in a healthy, balanced, safe way that was built on proper inner and outer boundaries, goal and resource management and personal responsibility.
He's still got some glitches... it's hard for him sometimes to emotionally respect needs, hobbies etc of mine that aren't his, for example, but the compromise is that he just needs to respect that I have them and love them, and that that's a part of loving me, which he says he does (and I thoroughly believe him; he's been through hell trying to earn me). He also had to learn that I'm his one guaranteed safe person as long as he's not abusing or neglecting me, and that if he does those things again, I go byebye. He was raised for 28 years to believe that all relationships are made of power struggles and abuse. He was used to thinking that even if you loved someone emotionally, every relationship has a controller who knows best in every way and the other person has to worship the controller. There's literally no equality or respect in any of his family's relationships, from married couples to siblings. Everyone snaps at each other, or is vying for control, openly or more subtly.
He's cut out the whole family after trying family therapy with his parents and a family systems therapist who has a special degree in "personality disorders" aka narcissism. The parents went in trying to force him into lying to the therapist... he called them on it in the session... they were all asked to do integrity based home work as a result to continue.. the parents said they'd resume therapy right after the holidays. None of that ever happened. He'd called them on the lying, the way they treated him and others etc and they dipped out, everything left a total disaster on purpose.
They still won't talk to him. It's going on a year soon.
All of that was kind of the final piece that proved to him that I and the therapists were correct, and he needed to stay healing in therapy away from that full dozen of monsters.
@@no_one_211 wow, thank you for the comment. I was in tears reading everything hes been through, and I can tell you love him to guide him like this. I too believe he loves you as well, it's not easy changing these defense mechanisms and to take the steps he did with cutting off his toxic family speaks volumes. My ex also grew up in a terribly abusive household as well, it hurts so bad that they take on these personalities in order to protect themselves against the ones who were meant to give them love. I don't think I can apply your situation to mine, but it still makes me happy that at least someone out there was able to get it right and find happiness. It was especially beautiful when you said he knows with you, as long as he doesn't abuse you, he is safe. The number one thing I realized very very early on into my relationship was that he didn't feel safe. And I spent over a year trying everyday to show him he was safe with me. I wish I would have thought, or known, about these issues while we were together. I thought it was normal trust issues! Lol.
Therapists refuse narcassists and psychopaths because they cannot be changed
The entire political Arena has been over runnel by Narcissists !!! Thank you, so very informative !
Congratulations to the professor!😅
Also I found this to be absolutely helpful to my self supply as this supports my personal experience with a few weirdos.