@@histrangersbye2684 I agree I think independance is an unhealthy illusion that only reinforces the illusion of separateness, we are all interdependent if you think not You are nothing more than a grain of sand searching for independence in the desert.
Are you even aware of what did you just said?you're always here posting some s*ity comments. you so annoying,your picture also is annoying.then don't bind your happiness with absolutely nothing but your inner self, then try to be happy,good luck with that!
Just what I needed to hear. This is exactly where I am at in my recovery from codependency. At 51, I have just learned that it is not selfish to put your needs first, it's Self care.
I have an automatic bs detector due to emotional neglect and abuse by my family when I was a child. My gut goes nuts whenever someone is fake or playing games. I've also lost the ability to feel fear and shame.
@@Lightworrior I hope you find good people you can trust and that results in you trusting yourself. The world is always scary and always good. Be the good. It's what you can control.
Married 21 yrs and I am completely lost wrt myself. Wife had an affair for several mths and I got destroyed when I found out about this about 6 mths ago. I forgave her with the hope to mend things. But I have come to realize that I appear to be the only one making an effort and wanting to go to couples counselling. She said she didn’t mind going which is different from wanting to go. Now I am fairly certain that I will leave but am holding off because of the proximity of Christmas and because there are kids involved. I had considered leaving so many times over the years, with 2019 coming the closest; for whatever reasons, I stayed. Maybe the affair was a blessing in disguise.
@La Chatelaine I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t know how you managed to have put up with it for so long. I thought I could put it behind me but every time we have been intimate after I found out, I just see the images of her with another man. I feel nothing anymore and haven’t been intimate with her for 2 mths. Since it is so close to Christmas, I don’t want to do anything just yet as that would be a complete shock to the kids, not that them finding out about out potential separation will be much less of a shock. The worst part is that she pretends as if nothing is wrong and just goes about her day. She is being nice to me most of the time now, after I told her that I’m thinking of leaving. She wonders why I can’t just put it behind me and move on - because apparently it’s that easy. She asks me what’s wrong all the time - like wtf? I know that if I decide to stay that it’s only a matter of time before she starts insulting and degrading me in front of the kids. The kids have sometimes tried to take the blame on my behalf, which is not right and I tell them not to do that, that I will take the blame. She constantly would tell me that I do nothing and don’t know anything, that the bed is made crooked, criticizing my suppers, etc. So I just stopped doing everything and play the role she assumed for me. This way I save myself the grief of getting demeaned.
Me too. I have such high anxiety that I go right into fix it mode. I used to run to fix ME mode (pills) the minute I started to feel this way. Living with an alcoholic who turned on a dime, if I took some pills that made me sleep I didn't have to deal with him, otherwise I would go the other extreme and try to make him better, do what he wanted. Give him money or food. Plus, try to fix the angry people that HE ticked off by being a jerk. Man, I don't miss those days at all!!
Julia Kristina Counselling I always find all of your videos so helpful! So grateful that I stumbled upon you a while back! Thanks for doing what you do ❤️
me too, I cant believe I never realized that I've been abused my whole life and everyone minimized my struggles and made me feel like its all in my head. this is the problem with my codependent side. I allow others to control me instead of thinking for myself.
I was both at one time because I was raised that way. My mom never says no and builds resentment. She's tired all of the time and feels guilty when she rests. In order to break the codependent part, I had to learn boundaries and I will say no in a heartbeat and when asked why won't I do something, my response has been "I just don't feel like doing it." My mom seems shocked when I'm able to establish and keep boundaries with people. It's very liberating and I was amazed at how many people was actually upset that I will no longer let them walk over me. It's very unfortunate but life is so much more peaceful now.
Lori Hamilton, TY TY Well said. I never knew that people could or would feel so slighted by me setting healthy boundaries with everyone & stop rescuing people to protect my own well being. Happy New Year 2021🎉 #Self Worth #Self Care #Self Love #Infinite Possibilities #Angel 👼 Number# 7070
Im the same my mum thinks it's selfish to not please others. She also holds guilt when I'm not bothered about having something and she can't deliver it she gets guilt then I feel her guilt and causes spiral because see my self in her as a mirror to with co dependency issues also It's a mad spiral. It stem from my father leaving her and us as kids. Abandonment issues is what causes it I've healed so much of the issues. I say no whenever I want now.
Breaking always from co-dependency is like learning a new language. I was trained from childhood to cater to my parents emotional needs and therefore did not have my own heard or seen. I am learning them now, and making sure my son can speak his emotional truth
Re: Boundaries.. I started practicing by looking in the mirror, and saying, " I'd really like to help, but sorry I can't." ... because i noticed i would drop everything to go help others, but started feeling bad when it was never returned. Still a work in progress at 60. I do have a good handle on acceptance now. 😊Empaths and anxiety go hand in hand too i believe. Namastè 🙏🏻❤
With my ex-husband, if we received a bill on Friday. I would hide it until Monday because I didn’t want to ruin his weekend! Seriously! So happy on my own!
I am with a narcissist and discovering why I am staying. This codependency topic is describing me, as well as the empathy. It is time to focus my energy on fixing me instead of accommodating or fixing others. Thanks for the insight!!
You sound similar to me. Look up the Peter Pan complex and the Wendy complex. Wendy is codependent and narcissists are usually Peter pans like my husband. Now I’m trying to figure out how to deal
I just left a narcissist today and this is my 4th or 5th time ,(or maybe a severe alcoholic or both) to be homeless and I feel like a bad person I do love him but I'm scared of him . I'm literally living in a motel with my daughter and her husband he lost his job and my daughter works herself to death and I'm on SSI and don't get much we have come to begging scrapping and everything else
For me, it was because of my alcoholic mom. Growing up wishing that this time she will get better. But it never happened, instead it got worse and worse. In the meantime, that little girl who loved her so much (at first grade, I was not getting my breakfast because I kept the breakfast money to save up for buying presents for her), grew up to be a hurt, disappointed, abounded, starving for love rebellious teenager. Rebellious meaning: never able to shut up if I saw injustice. No matter how much older or what kind of position that person had. My mother thought me not to respect authority just because it is the norm. A mother supposed to be respected because she does so much, gives love and taking care of you. But at home, I did all the work, I was the one taking care of my brother, the household etc... I at least learned that respect doesn't come with position but fulfilling that position, respect is owed by actions not title. So when I met someone, the more they suffered, the more I felt their pain. The more I wanted to "fix" them and give them "justice". I didn't want them to feel abounded and not loved, because I felt that growing up and it was awful, I literally felt their pain. Justice ment that they received what a human being supposed to enjoy: love. Not meeting my own needs wasn't a big red flag because I never really had that. I was always the one who is taking care... It took me decades to understand that I was not less than them and I am not getting the same as I am giving. I deserved (real) love, help, carrying and a reliable partner just as much as I was there for them. I was reliving that old cycle of hopeless wishing: she will change, she will stop drinking and she will remember how much I loved her and will be like before: a mother who has a child(ren, I had a brother). Are you maybe repeating some old pattern, something from your childhood and maybe wishing that now, it will turn out as you thought it will be fixed back then?
I think I'm more of an empath but I deal with people trying to manipulating me almost everyday. It's just better to be alone sometimes but I need some good friendships with healthy people.
Trying to find healthy people I feel it’s impossible.. I need to learn how not to take on their emotions... someone walks in a room and I know their mood
I have been co-dependent with my son. I understand to stay out of the way now and let his life take it's own path. I finally let go and holy crap, how liberating. Yes, it was a painful thing to watch initially; however, today the bonus is.. HE has grown so much. Everybody is so much happier today.
I'm definitely Both but I never realized how codependent especially in realtionships or the people I really love!!! I'm always on a mission to fix and heal people and I end up hurting myself or getting hurt in the process most of the time especially if I feel unappreciated or rejected 🤦🏾♀️😥
I am a recovering empath with codependent tendencies so you could imagine what most of my relationships have looked like. My mother was a drug addict and was killed when I was 8 yrs old and my father was never around until her death but was still distant. This was the beginning of the emotional rollercoaster my life had been since then and finally at age 33 I am just now seeming to breakthrough this blockage that has kept me from actually living. I use to feel it was my job to save everyone only to realize I lost myself in the process. I send out a big congratulations to everyone here because I guarantee this is the first step to not just living but actually being ALIVE! You are all appreciated if noone every told you and your definitely not alone in this journey. ⭐🙏❤️🌹🍀🌈🌟☀️🐝🌻🧚✨💪💪💪💪
How about being alone as being different from lonely. Sometimes I'm surrounded by people and feel lonely and vice versa. You made a great point just semantics for clarification
I was adopted at 2 by a blind woman who early in my life was border line abusive because of her own abuse. I had my first dream after her being dead for 13 years that i stood up to her and let out emotions ive held on to since i was 4. I was neglected as a baby with malnutrition in a 3rd world county. I am working through a lot.
Ana - I’m the adoptive mom of two daughters now in their twenties. They were born in a third world country & adopted as infants. I just want to say to you that you deserved, & deserve still, safe & unconditional love. You are so loved by God, who created you & who has a wonderful purpose for your life. I am sending a big hug.
Boundaries are hard for me! Yes, because I'm worried about being abandoned or not needed. As a mom of 5 adult children it is really hard to now not want to fix everything for them and let them do it for themselves! Also I realize that being needed is still part of what makes me fell good about myself... linked to my self esteem --- Working SO hard on changing this!!! I feel I am a true Empath however I grew up in co-dependence and am trying to unlearn those behaviors. Starting to be ok with others feelings and being ok with my discomfort with it but just listening to them and empathizing and encouraging them that they can get thru it, instead of giving advice or trying to fix it unless they ask for my help or advice.
I am both empathic and codependent . I’ve realised I have no boundaries & have run myself close to suicide several times.... this video has been so enlightening for me! I am 53 now & have only just started to learn about myself because I have been racing around trying to save the world..... & A’s said here, it had never made a difference apart from stopping me from giving where I truly wanted to! Thanks
@@nadineelseudy5835 it’s a work in progress, haha but I think, we’ll I’m sure, it is progressing! Best of all, though, I still find it easy to love human beings which apparently , many find hard to do. You’re 2 years later comment has only strengthened that! Thank you.
I just came to the realization in the past few weeks that I definitely have codependent tendencies and I knew already I am an empath. So much to unwind 😞
Boundaries are not only about saying no to requests. Boundaries are also about asking for things and getting your needs met in a relationship, and if the person can not meet those needs, they are violating a boundary.
Hi I'm Mel. You're spot on. Even though I have done sooooo much work getting to know myself, I see my daughters following in my icky past footsteps. When I see them suffering, I flashback into my own past. I know I can't fix or change their circumstances, so I keep exhaling, stay present, and know that it always works out when people learn on their own. I admit, I have isolated and avoided so I can stay grounded. That's where I am at today. Thank you for the reminders. ❤
Holy shit, thanks for this.. I thought I knew what codependence was and always said "I'm independent, I don't need anyone to help me through life, I pay my own bills, own my own house, etc." but I am 1000 % a codependent in all relationships. I need to unlearn this ASAP its a terrible cage to live in having other peoples emotions have control over us.
I learned codependency trying to keep everyone around me happy. I was the scapegoat at home and then married a Jykel and Hyde. I tried to leave and was told by my mom, how dumb I was, etc, etc. After 32 years, we are divorced and its hard.
I was accused of being a Jykel and Hyde. can you explain that more to me? Im sorry for your loss 32 years sounds really hard. It was only a few months for me and its been incredibly hard.
@@Savage_Thinker He was sweet as sugar in one moment and was mean and cruel the next. It will get better, learn as much as you can about his behavior patterns. Dr. Romani on TH-cam has lots of really good information.
Going through this rn 4 kids in the picture 15 years together he tells me how I should feel, tells me that I don't understand my own behaviours,tells me that I can't do it alone is that like a subtle mental abuse ? I'm so fd up in my head I don't even know myself anymore
I’m doing this work mostly alone, but with my own sporadic therapy when needed. Currently, I’m pulling out of dysfunctional dysfunction with my adult child. I’m currently no contact with them due to cruel and hurtful behaviors that I cannot and will not take anymore. I am both an empath and a recovering codependent and have chosen myself for the first time in my life. I am 53. I’ve said no to a lot these past few years and it’s super difficult to deal with the guilt and tantrums of those who are used to your empathy, reflective nature and ability to take responsibility for whatever they lay at your feet. I listen to videos like this to keep my wits and strength about me. Thank you so much! I’m new here. I’ve subscribed and will share this. Your video is timely, well put together, well-articulated, realistic and empowering. You have no idea just how much I needed this boost! I will get your list and sign up for your wait list. Thanks again!
Children becoming codependent with a parent is a tough one. It's sort of the Parent's responsibility, up to a certain point or age. For me, it seemed fine, until I turned 16, and started to grow my own identity and independence. I think the complication for me...was this parent of mine being mentally ill, and on permanent disability too. Of course I felt like I should be doing everything I could to help...but it was kind of a trap. A trap that I was unknowingly contributing to. I finally stopped trying to save this parent. Sometimes saving is enabling too. Once I realized I was enabling them by saving them...that was a big eye opener for me. I do try to help them occasionally on my own schedule still, but often when I give an inch, they still try to take a mile 🙄 Thanks Julia 🙏🏼 I definitely got a lot from this one 😊
OMG! I am so thankful that your channel came into my world. I needed to hear this. I am both empathetic and codependent. I know my codependency stems from my childhood where I sacrificed my own well-being for the sake of "the family" and not rocking the boat.
Thank you so much. I was codependent with my soulmate. I learned that if someone wants to destroy themselves, there is nothing I can do about it. Your comment about helping someone, but not feeling responsible is helpful. Walk away. It’s the best gift I can give. One person got up and is making changes. The other, maybe he will die. My best friend. It sucks that I can’t save him. Thank you so very much.
As a codependent you don,t “see” yourself, you don,t have the right to...and self appreciation is conditioned. Good video description Julia and my own personal experience is that you need a hardwork for takeout codependence way of thinking, the reaction of family vampires when you change is complete rejection, well indicated in your video. Good work
8 minutes in and you explained this better than I’ve ever heard. Completely opened my eyes on why I never feel good unless my mom is ok. I try so hard to help but can push her away. It’s like she feels attacked but in my mind I’m trying to fix her. And by doing that I will ‘fix’ me and the family. Especially since my dad passed two years ago and my mom is my world but isn’t the best listener, because she too has been through a lot. I have a killer intuition and am quite sensitive and would probably say I’m also an ‘empath’ I’m an Aquarius. Probably explains some of it. I really do want everyone to be well, content and happy. I’ve been around a lot of negativity with my brother. It’s a handful. I’m a handful
I really appreciated this video right now because I have been helping a friend who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I've been helping her by watering a big collection of plants she has while she's in the hospital. I'm really not suited to be doing this because I have a bad back. not only does she not appreciate that I've been helping her this way, she complains that I'm not doing it right. I told her today I cannot continue doing it. I stood up for myself, I set up boundary, and she acted like I was letting her down, as everyone lets her down. Listening to your video here has really encouraged me that yes this is hard, but I must do this. I must set a boundary and I must protect myself and not let somebody else's demands on my time as well as emotional health be predominant. I have learned a lot from your videos and I'm very grateful. Thank you ever so much!
Holy cow!! I used to do this! Being an Empath is tough and yet a blessing for me! It’s taken lots of practice but I’m no longer a doormat! I don’t try and fix others and allow them to grow and still be there but they put the effort and it’s their own reward! Win win! But wow! Has it taken much counseling and building my own skills! Wish I had you long ago though! It’s something I have to practice every single day! Thank you for explaining so well!! 👏🏻❤️😁👍🏻👌🏻
It is so freeing.. my uncle's wife was telling my child that his feelings are his feelings and he has the right to feel whatever he feels. I was in shock. I had never been told or heard anything like that before. I abide in that now. I'm unattached from the outcome and the person I'm communicating with is also completely free to be real with themselves. It's ok and it needs to happen to move forward. Whatever the outcome.
Thank you, that was very helpful. Growing up I was always compared with my brother by my mom. I was the “ selfish” one, to this day I don’t know why. Mom would volunteer me to do favors for extended family members or friends, some people I did not even know, without asking me first. Most of the time I did it and when I said No she was not happy with me and made me feel guilty.So I grew up and became an adult always concerned about everyone’s happiness and give myself to help people and fix situations. I am over 50 now, separated and having the time to reflect and really figure out who I really am. And I have started to say No and make my well being the number one priority. I still find myself doing the “ codependent “ thing once in a while but not to the extent I used to. This video was extremely helpful. Was reassuring me of something I already intuitively new was going on but I could not define it
What i learned from this session was learning what : "differentiate yourself" means... To change your usual reaponse, don't do things (send a like) for others...do it because YOU want to. It was good to hear you say, "this wont be easy"; it was good to hear you say, "some will notice and adjust" 😊
Hi Julia, my big takeaway from this is, and I think I am understanding this more from our shift society and is that even therapists can't fix people. That must be a big misconception that people have, huh? The good news is - yes, I do need the tools and the guidelines, but I am capable of fixing myself! I am already rewiring my brain because of our group. Being more mindful. Such great stuff. Thanks for the 25 healthy ways to say no. =) I am looking forward to our teaching today! See you at noon!
I felt other people’s pain as a child as if it were my own. I felt that life was so emotionally painful I could barely stand it. I realized I couldn’t get through this life with my heart on my sleeve so I had to toughen up but then it’s hard to be emotional appropriately when you are half in your feelings. I am both, Empath and Codependent. I have struggled with codependency, I have married a narcissist (and divorced) I constantly take care of people and stress and try to make things okay for people. I attract broken people. I’m 54 and now it feels like I don’t live my life. These videos make me feel squirmy sometimes but I know that means it is right and something I need to work on. Thank you for the truth.
I’m new here, my name is Carolina and i hate that even when I know what’s best best for me, I still stay in shitty situations because I feel bad for the other person.
A narcissists HUGEST MEGA WEAPON is PITY! See either Richard Grannon or Ross Rosenburgh (sp?) on HOW WE are puppeteer'd by GUILT and SHAME. When faced with this "feeling sorry for the other guy" dilemma, I NOW ask myself... FOR WHOM am I about to make my decision.... SEE YOUR motives above ALL and BE bloody well balls out HONEST with YOU. Are you using guilt (disguised as ALWAYS - as "care" for another?) almost like cerebral grease to slide a quick move past your own gatekeeper? Who WILL be SERVED by YOUR next ACT? (the one YOU are about to CHOSE?)
Hi Caro m..... try to do meditation in a very quite place for 30min everyday. Talk to your inner self and speak freely and say I respect my self. I love my self. I value my self. Continue keep repeating saying these prayer.
Wow Kristina you finally turned on the light that was so dim for so many years on why I was always reeled in to family and peoples problems, devalued then decarded. Because when I didnt agree with their bad behavior, and this was most of the time being in a family of Narcissistic abuse and substance abuse. They would kick me out of the nest, or project themselves on to me. Needless to say I'm a better much happier person away from them. My life naturally flows. I'm able to see and know my wants and needs. I don't do well with crazy making. And one thing I seriously need to point out is people can really affect your health. By me walking away and taking care of myself I was able to reverse a lot of multiple health issues. It can be done.
This helped me. I recently started dating someone. At first, things were great then slowly he became more negative and whiny. He was under a lot a stress. I offered to help but he declined. It didn’t take me long to tell him we needed to put the relationship on the back burner so he could focus on the stress. I regret it had to end that way. I presented positive results from his turmoil and offered support but I could not take getting bogged down because of his situation but I put up firm boundaries. Then I said goodbye. It was hard because we were getting so close. I will help but I can’t fix.
I'm co-empathic. (J/K). I'm learning to say no and setting boundaries. It's most difficult when in a relationship where you've allowed your unstated boundaries to be violated, then try to establish them. BUT, I'm doing it!
This is very hard to follow, at least for me . When I see how someone can get out of a terrible financial and emotionally draining situation, I can't help but do all I can to help. But despite my efforts, I find the person doesn't want to help themselves. I'm done. It's taken me 12 months to see this and that I'm not responsible to help people fix their problems.
FINALLY, someone who is qualified, caring, and capable of helping those of us that really need this help and guidance. THANK YOU!! Your videos are amazing, and you are SUCH a pivotal variable in my journey to the "other side". :)
Im new, and I like your channel so much. I am struggling with depression and anxiety, and I stumbled upon your channel, I love it so much. Learned so many things so far! 😊🙏
i was both an empath and codependent, now at 35, after many years of trying to be understanding my problems, i shifted, or more of an awakening happened, now i am interdependent and an awakened empath, and I refuse to be controlled or manipulated by Narcissists. I also became an enabler at some point in my life. so many years wasted, but I learn a lot about myself now. thanks for this explanation, it made it more clearer for me.
This is honestly the best explanation of the differences between an empath and a codependent I’ve ever seen. I’m a standard empath. If I have codependent tendencies, they are very minimal. Thank you Julia!
I have been in Al-Anon since I was in my 20s, now in my 50s I realized and now work as an Empath and a therapist. I am also an HSP. So, basically, I can validate everything you're saying here and just want to support you and your channel! Thank you!
This subject matter should be taught in our schools. It would help the students to become aware and healthy adults. Thank you very much for these excellent videos.
So, I knew I was an empath, but now know there's codependency as well. Thank you for your insight. I've recently begun allowing my pain and others (allowing being uncomfortable as you said) without getting taken down by it all. By asking questions and guiding my friends to their own...epiphany or realisation....I can stay more...distant...protected...by asking myself questions I can stop the downward spiral and stay focussed on understanding and healing.
I’m going through my own realizations of being both and in process of healing my self from . Thank you for sharing in a way that is easy to understand.
"The essence of balance is detachment. To embrace a cause, to grow fond or spiteful, is to lose one's balance, after which, no action can be trusted." - Thief: The Dark Project
Julia in 3 minutes you totally cleared this up for me. 🧚♂️ I often hear the phrase you’re only as sad as your saddest child and that can really be a sign of codependency. We can become lost in their sadness rather than empathize and be separate enough to help them along (if asked) with whatever their issue is.💡I will be saving this to listen to over and over again!♥️
This was literally me through a situation with someone for the whole of last year... felt like how I felt like this so deeply inside was not truly understandable by anyone else other than me... thank you so much for this video, it makes me feel like there are other people out there like how I get xx
This content opens a ton of information to me that made me realize that I am an empath who has been suffering from codependence. I am full of emotion while typing this. I am beyond happy to discover your channel. Thank you very much, Julia.
I'm new to your channel. Thank you for this platform! I'm a MFT student and one of my professor told us that: WE AS THERAPIST ARE THE CLEAN UP CREW, WE SHOW THE CLIENT HOW THEY CAN CLEAN UP TOO. Thank you again for your work.🙏🏾💖
I just came across your page today... and this video was exactly what I needed. I just recently learned that I had co dependency tendencies ( I am 35 and grew up with my dad who was an alcoholic, parents married for 35 years) and I had no idea that even existed. I just left very toxic relationship after 5 years and I’m trying to work back on my mental health bc I have 3 small children and I hope to be better for them. Thank you for your desire to help others help themselves.
I think there’s a VERY thin line between these two conditions. Co-dependents are by nature, very empathic and feel things very deeply. Hard to differentiate the difference and how to separate your emotions enough to maintain your own personal boundaries. It’s a precarious balance to find.
I'm not sure I totally agree - first, that either are conditions. I think codependency is a learned way of relating to others, and being empathic is part of the traits of being a more highly sensitive person. I've also met and worked with many people who relate to others in codependent way who don't tend to exude a higher degree of empathy. Regardless, self-differentiation, learning to listen to oneself and having healthy boundaries for ALL people I think is essential.
@@juliakristinamah I really liked that last sentence you wrote here as I felt it really hit it on the nail and got past all the filler of esoteric mysticism when people try to mix their own personal and quite frankly subjective beliefs with clinical practice. Context. I used to despise pop psychology because of the fact that it was so accessible. Anybody with an opinion and a smart phone can access entry level knowledge and then, they think it's a good idea to go and "help" other people when they have barely touched the surface of what it takes to be a bonafide professional. I'm really glad I found this video. I'll be sure to check out your channel for more nuggets
Thank you so much, so insightful. I'm realizing I have strong characteristics of a co-dependent and I'm going to need help to change. The search for freedom had begun, thank you for sharing wisdom. Namaste 🙌💜🙏
Story of my life. Thank you, Julia, for shining a light into my dark abyss of a life. I’m coming into the light and I’ll be sure to not let others guilt trip me just because they aren’t getting their way. I live my life by my choices. And hearing you say that I’m not doing anything wrong in the end for doing that is very reassuring. Thank you and take care 💙💙💙
I'm definetly both. You untangled the vines that I need to do the work to achieve. Thank you for your videos, they have helped me in so many situations
My name is Nick. I recently discovered you after my therapist and I realized I exhibit a large number of symptoms of codependency. I started researching it and came across your channel. It's one of several resources I'm using to work out what's needed for me to recover from and treat this. Thank you for what you do.
I am so thankful for this channel. I have been here for about six months and it is amazing every time I pray about something in my life your videos come up with exactly what I needed to hear for healing in my life. I am so thankful!! 😊
Wow, this was SO enlightening!! Thank You So much!! Learning how to break up our disfunctional systems in order to free ourselves and in order to actually grow as adults is such a great step!! Thanks for guiding us there!!👍🙏🏻
OMG I so needed this! Exactly my issues. You described a relationship I have with my 25-year-old daughter, and she was becoming increasingly self-absorbed self-centered inconsiderate and mean, to which her best friend called her out on it a couple months ago. Everything absolutely everything in this video applies to me! My manager at Hewlett-Packard worked with me on saying NO 9 years ago. I identified a people pleasing issue a year and a half ago. My neighbor prescribed a month break from my family. The hardest was my 25 yr old daughter, because of my two adorable granddaughters age two and four that my Daughter can hardly manage, she's in tears. What I noticed on a break, was I suddenly had way more energy, a lot of joy and I wasn't dragged down by listening to my daughter's problems every week. I've had to set boundaries with her, In the last 4 years of her going through a marriage to an abusive alcoholic man. Ie That if she wasn't going to work on the solution I wasn't willing to hear the problems again, and I would remind her "how is this different from a year ago", etc, and "I've heard this before", and tell her, "I'm not a dumping ground for your garbage.". It was difficult, washing tears stream down her face from the abuse. I learned, every time she started to repeat a pattern, I would back away, and get out of the way. My older daughter helped me set boundaries, by telling me you can't fix his mom, She got herself into this mess she has to get herself out. Focus on your own life and everything will work out. true to a point but my older daughter doesn't understand the nature of abuse and alcoholism... It's a tough situation to get out of.... Those type of men are controlling and manipulative, and pull a woman self-esteem down so they won't leave. I was stretched then trying to commute to help her with her kids, and cutting vacations short, helping her financially in her self created emergencies with poorly planned trips She took (I'd like to take a trip!), And giving up income opportunities to accommodate her. I'm not saying that she didn't go out of her way also to make sure the grandkids and her got to see me once a week. And I'm not saying that she didn't used to be a delightful considerate genuine sincere nice person at times. When she wasn't smoking pot, taking psychedelics, drinking beer and hanging out with her older brother. And guess what, She's mad at me. But she was also getting increasingly nasty, hanging out with my rich sister. I told her at one point you remind me my sister, She's not nice to me. My daughter didn't apologize She just said I understand and was even nastier. I used to tell people don't tell my Daughter.... (Feeling a blank with that I did anything for myself and not her). The other relationship that's changed is with a close friend. This is a friend who lost it mentally In 2020, and her family and friends all helped her. But as soon as you're not rowing the paddles in the life raft for her, she jumps back in the water. She is in a state where people need to stop sympathizing with her and get tough and get her in the boat paddling monitoring her medication working with her therapist and expect her to do the work on her own. I tried to organize her family to pull together efforts and talk through this and decide who's going to do what since we're all trying to help separately. But nobody's interested. I live the furthest away. Letting go is hard but it's reaffirming to hear this video. The other thing I realized was taking a break from my family, is how many games Three of my adult kids play. I see through their b*******. They will say and do things that are inappropriate with me but then twist it around tell each other someone simple thing taken out of context to get the other ones mad and then they're all nasty to me. They are ages 25, 27 and 29. There's no excuse for that much immaturity and lack of integrity. It was my desperate need to be loved that contributed to my people pleasing. Taking a break, A woman I know told me will allow me to change those patterns with my kids. Like that song by Aretha Franklin A Little Respect Please!!!!
When I was depressed a well meaning friend who is co dependent was constantly trying to help me. It was about her. She was so overbearing and would often leave me in tears. It can come across as a form of bullying. I didnt need that help..I never asked for it. I started to think it was all about her. She pushed me to the brink. What a mess. My friend who I would say was an empath was my saviour.
Hi! Alicia Ramos from Texas. I work in health coaching and psychotherapy! Also working on my license LPC. Headed to clinicals in spring 2021. So happy I found your channel!
Completely agree. I think it is just all misplacement, at least for me. Never considered myself to be codependent but I do know I over help and can take on certain peoples emotions. I know it’s corny but I did that languages of love test. I came up high in the service bucket. And I’m wondering if a lot of people who have codependent tendencies are that way too. We start out by doing for others because that’s how we show love, but then it gets away from us and becomes something else that starts to hurt us. However, the pure intention is not a weakness, we need more people who can also take care of themselves but also think of others. There are plenty of people who don’t. My boss was trying to convince me, at least it felt like it, that it’s a weakness. I came to realize it’s not, it’s more like a power 😊. I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s a weakness but i need to control and direct my ‘powers’ at appropriate times, making sure I take care using what I took from this video.
Thank God !!! Thank you!! I needed to hear this because I'm turning into crumbs. And every time I want to do something for myself I get judged, criticized, ECT ECT I feel like I'm in a cage where I cant do anything with my life. I now understand I'm codependent didn't know what that was when my therapist told me, now thanks to this video I understood and as you where explaning I started to think of all the things I've done that I really didn't want to do just to please another person. And how much I have abandoned myself!!! I felt terrible but it definitely moved something in me. I'm really exhausted of dealing with so much without having too and trying to fix other people's lives. I feel some people only see me as a backup whenever they need me and I have noticed some trash me out when I cant be there. But I'm sick and tired. I started to change my routine and go out on my own with my dog and cruise around the city singing into my favorite tunes, grabbing a bite, or even just sitting at the park just letting my mind wander off and relaxing on my own. When I do this I ignore my phone calls or messages because it's my time. But if I'm out for hours. I already have all these messages and missed calls with negative content since I did not respond. Very very tired I've been trying my best to detach from all this. And this is why I'm a magnet to narcissists. I'm trying to break off but like you said many people will be angry at me in the process. Little by little I know I will eventually get to the point I will care less, with feeling an inch of stress. I want to be me and be freed from this. Don't want it anymore!! I'm tired!! Tired!! I want to live my own life, and not others, I need to love me and take care of my needs. Sometimes I ask myself how I can be so compassionate for others but be mean to myself 😭😭. I have a big heart but it gets me in trouble because I can exaggerate when it comes to taking care of others needs. 😔😔😢I need help but I know God and our Blessed mother Mary placed this video for me today. Because today prayed and cried pleading for an answer. We celebrate our Mother of Guadalupe every December 12 and here's my answer, this video. I have alot of hope now and I don't feel alone after I read the comments. God bless you!
I’ve thought about how codependency doesn’t feel like a form of selflessness (although you can lose yourself from practicing it) but almost more so, a strange form of selfishness . I have had strong codependent tendencies and behaviors in the past (and am trying to learn how to prevent them - and then actually prevent them - in the future) and I think it is, oddly, selfish. I have actually thought in the past when I was trying to fix everything for everyone that what I was doing and how I was responding wasn’t for them, it was for me. I realized and noticed I seemed to need things fixed and solved and prevented and wanted that far more than the people with - and responsible for - the problems to begin with, which in itself is a problem. And then I resented those people for MY feeling I had to (or needed?) to fix the mess that they had or were responsible for, as I wasn’t going to be able to relax until the problem that they had or were causing, that they weren’t taking care of, was fixed (and since they weren’t doing it, or going to do it, or maybe capable of doing it at that time, or for whatever reason - basically since no one else was going to handle it, to me, that meant I had to do it instead). I mean I wasn’t completely separate from the problems - they were usually ones that had SOME ramifications / consequences for me as well, but to a lesser degree. It’s a weird thing to be aware of - it’s almost a little ocd in a way - like I feel I can’t relax until (or at least I prefer that) an area is cleaned up and tidy, then transferring that same need-for-tidyness-and-organization desire from THINGS to PEOPLE and their situations, feelings, predicaments, friction with others, etc. When ocd relates to things and one’s environment, it’s ocd, but when that behavior transfers to people, that might also be codependency I think. Like a social ocd. Hm. 🤔🤨😳
We are seeing how important it is to really heal ourselves and put our needs as a priority too, because it affects our children and it will affect others & our entire lives. We are products of our environment, but we are able to change and should take responsibility to look at ourselves and make changes. We are not perfect. We are meant to do a lot of shadow work; learning and unlearning, it’s a part of our growth and lessons we desired to learn.
Not only do I feel more deeply but I also express more deeply than most people I know. I’ve always though I was just passionate and emotional but never thought of it like this . Thanks
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I learned this: "Whatever people give you, they can take away. Whomever you need, controls you. Need people less, love them more."
Wow! So true.
Thank you for this 🙏🙏🙏🙏
You can’t love someone without being vulnerable and that includes you acknowledging the need of other people in your life.
Thank you. This was helpful
@@histrangersbye2684 I agree I think independance is an unhealthy illusion that only reinforces the illusion of separateness, we are all interdependent if you think not You are nothing more than a grain of sand searching for independence in the desert.
Whenever you bind your happiness to external sources, it's like you throw away the key for your wellbeing.
Are you even aware of what did you just said?you're always here posting some s*ity comments. you so annoying,your picture also is annoying.then don't bind your happiness with absolutely nothing but your inner self, then try to be happy,good luck with that!
True!!
Easier said than done. Everyone needs employment. That is, if they enjoy eating.
@@louisw4390 Yes, easier said than done ( I know!) However, not everyone needs 'employment'...That's the key.
I wonder he says but except for God😄. Cherry picker wisdoms
Just what I needed to hear. This is exactly where I am at in my recovery from codependency. At 51, I have just learned that it is not selfish to put your needs first, it's Self care.
I’m 57. Just learned that a few months back.
57, and I realized along the way that I had no idea what I ever wanted because of 2 alcoholic parents. Took me awhile to figure this out.
ditto
Yes when we do what is best for us first ,it is best for everyone else.
50. 🙂👍
Being empathic makes it hard for me to recognize manipulation sometimes
Sociopath and psychopath are almost impossible to read
Amen!
@Goth Vaush - Jedi Master Engineer No, what is the story?
I have an automatic bs detector due to emotional neglect and abuse by my family when I was a child. My gut goes nuts whenever someone is fake or playing games. I've also lost the ability to feel fear and shame.
@@Lightworrior I hope you find good people you can trust and that results in you trusting yourself. The world is always scary and always good. Be the good. It's what you can control.
“I understand you” vs. “I need to fix you”...perfect analogy
I get lost in a relationship it’s as if I stop being me and give up doing things on my own. Learning every day though thanks for this
Me too
Ditto
Married 21 yrs and I am completely lost wrt myself. Wife had an affair for several mths and I got destroyed when I found out about this about 6 mths ago. I forgave her with the hope to mend things. But I have come to realize that I appear to be the only one making an effort and wanting to go to couples counselling. She said she didn’t mind going which is different from wanting to go. Now I am fairly certain that I will leave but am holding off because of the proximity of Christmas and because there are kids involved. I had considered leaving so many times over the years, with 2019 coming the closest; for whatever reasons, I stayed. Maybe the affair was a blessing in disguise.
@La Chatelaine I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t know how you managed to have put up with it for so long. I thought I could put it behind me but every time we have been intimate after I found out, I just see the images of her with another man. I feel nothing anymore and haven’t been intimate with her for 2 mths. Since it is so close to Christmas, I don’t want to do anything just yet as that would be a complete shock to the kids, not that them finding out about out potential separation will be much less of a shock.
The worst part is that she pretends as if nothing is wrong and just goes about her day. She is being nice to me most of the time now, after I told her that I’m thinking of leaving. She wonders why I can’t just put it behind me and move on - because apparently it’s that easy. She asks me what’s wrong all the time - like wtf? I know that if I decide to stay that it’s only a matter of time before she starts insulting and degrading me in front of the kids. The kids have sometimes tried to take the blame on my behalf, which is not right and I tell them not to do that, that I will take the blame. She constantly would tell me that I do nothing and don’t know anything, that the bed is made crooked, criticizing my suppers, etc. So I just stopped doing everything and play the role she assumed for me. This way I save myself the grief of getting demeaned.
Yep. That's me exactly!!
Detached. Observing not reacting. Choosing to respond. Not react. Mindful in the moment. Not feeing guilty bout saying no no more.
How to do this?
"Allow yourself to be uncomfortable." Wow. Game changing for me.
Me too. I have such high anxiety that I go right into fix it mode. I used to run to fix ME mode (pills) the minute I started to feel this way. Living with an alcoholic who turned on a dime, if I took some pills that made me sleep I didn't have to deal with him, otherwise I would go the other extreme and try to make him better, do what he wanted. Give him money or food. Plus, try to fix the angry people that HE ticked off by being a jerk. Man, I don't miss those days at all!!
@@lewasil I can relate to this completely. I'm so glad you are in a healthier place!
I also like the one ; “practice being useless” I heard someone else say once
Wow I just learned Im both an empath and codependent.
I hope you found these insights helpful.
Julia Kristina Counselling I always find all of your videos so helpful! So grateful that I stumbled upon you a while back! Thanks for doing what you do ❤️
@@jessieprescott1535 You're welcome - and thank YOU for your support.
Same here, and I am married to a bipolar partner. I am hooked to this account now. Healing is so overdue in my life.
me too, I cant believe I never realized that I've been abused my whole life and everyone minimized my struggles and made me feel like its all in my head. this is the problem with my codependent side. I allow others to control me instead of thinking for myself.
People really need to learn to be happy alone. Now more than ever.
Exactly... I’m in the process of doing just that.
Maybe not alone but single maybe. Being alone is really unhealthy too
Being comfortable with being alone
I get panic and severe phobia being all alone. Feel like drowning sensation.
Codependent tendencies have made me alone. I'm sick of being alone. Although I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.
I was both at one time because I was raised that way. My mom never says no and builds resentment. She's tired all of the time and feels guilty when she rests. In order to break the codependent part, I had to learn boundaries and I will say no in a heartbeat and when asked why won't I do something, my response has been "I just don't feel like doing it." My mom seems shocked when I'm able to establish and keep boundaries with people. It's very liberating and I was amazed at how many people was actually upset that I will no longer let them walk over me. It's very unfortunate but life is so much more peaceful now.
Lori Hamilton,
TY TY
Well said. I never knew that people could or would feel so slighted by me setting healthy boundaries with everyone & stop rescuing people to protect my own well being.
Happy New Year 2021🎉
#Self Worth
#Self Care
#Self Love
#Infinite Possibilities
#Angel 👼 Number# 7070
THANK YOU LADIES! I'm looking forward and getting closer and closer to this healthier mindset!!! ☺😊🥰😍😍
I absolutely love that response, “ i just don’t feel like it “!! Wow how simple
@@sojourneroftheland I agree with a lot of that.
Im the same my mum thinks it's selfish to not please others. She also holds guilt when I'm not bothered about having something and she can't deliver it she gets guilt then I feel her guilt and causes spiral because see my self in her as a mirror to with co dependency issues also
It's a mad spiral.
It stem from my father leaving her and us as kids.
Abandonment issues is what causes it
I've healed so much of the issues. I say no whenever I want now.
Breaking always from co-dependency is like learning a new language. I was trained from childhood to cater to my parents emotional needs and therefore did not have my own heard or seen. I am learning them now, and making sure my son can speak his emotional truth
This was me too. :(
Me too currently not my parents though.
Re: Boundaries.. I started practicing by looking in the mirror, and saying, " I'd really like to help, but sorry I can't." ... because i noticed i would drop everything to go help others, but started feeling bad when it was never returned.
Still a work in progress at 60. I do have a good handle on acceptance now. 😊Empaths and anxiety go hand in hand too i believe.
Namastè
🙏🏻❤
Didn't even think about the anxiety part that comes with it. So true. I just started CBD and helps but I need to do the hard work.
You don't even have to say "sorry". Don't have to explain enything either. Just say "no".
Saying "no" to others = saying "yes" to yourself. 😊 Choose you.
Yup, feeling bad when it´s never returned.....
With my ex-husband, if we received a bill on Friday. I would hide it until Monday because I didn’t want to ruin his weekend! Seriously! So happy on my own!
Oh wow. Yes. Yes. I know the feel. The exact hiding bill/ bad news thingy. ❤❤hugs hugs.
I am with a narcissist and discovering why I am staying. This codependency topic is describing me, as well as the empathy. It is time to focus my energy on fixing me instead of accommodating or fixing others. Thanks for the insight!!
You sound similar to me. Look up the Peter Pan complex and the Wendy complex.
Wendy is codependent and narcissists are usually Peter pans like my husband. Now I’m trying to figure out how to deal
I just left a narcissist today and this is my 4th or 5th time ,(or maybe a severe alcoholic or both) to be homeless and I feel like a bad person I do love him but I'm scared of him . I'm literally living in a motel with my daughter and her husband he lost his job and my daughter works herself to death and I'm on SSI and don't get much we have come to begging scrapping and everything else
For me, it was because of my alcoholic mom. Growing up wishing that this time she will get better. But it never happened, instead it got worse and worse. In the meantime, that little girl who loved her so much (at first grade, I was not getting my breakfast because I kept the breakfast money to save up for buying presents for her), grew up to be a hurt, disappointed, abounded, starving for love rebellious teenager. Rebellious meaning: never able to shut up if I saw injustice. No matter how much older or what kind of position that person had. My mother thought me not to respect authority just because it is the norm. A mother supposed to be respected because she does so much, gives love and taking care of you. But at home, I did all the work, I was the one taking care of my brother, the household etc... I at least learned that respect doesn't come with position but fulfilling that position, respect is owed by actions not title. So when I met someone, the more they suffered, the more I felt their pain. The more I wanted to "fix" them and give them "justice". I didn't want them to feel abounded and not loved, because I felt that growing up and it was awful, I literally felt their pain. Justice ment that they received what a human being supposed to enjoy: love. Not meeting my own needs wasn't a big red flag because I never really had that. I was always the one who is taking care... It took me decades to understand that I was not less than them and I am not getting the same as I am giving. I deserved (real) love, help, carrying and a reliable partner just as much as I was there for them. I was reliving that old cycle of hopeless wishing: she will change, she will stop drinking and she will remember how much I loved her and will be like before: a mother who has a child(ren, I had a brother). Are you maybe repeating some old pattern, something from your childhood and maybe wishing that now, it will turn out as you thought it will be fixed back then?
It’s been a year so how are y’all doing now?
I think I'm more of an empath but I deal with people trying to manipulating me almost everyday. It's just better to be alone sometimes but I need some good friendships with healthy people.
I agree with you
Why is it so hard to find good friendships with healthy people. I find this very hard!
Yes! I totally agree with you! I am a little bit of a loner. I can't be around negative people. Its so draining. Only have healthy positive friends..😊
Trying to find healthy people I feel it’s impossible.. I need to learn how not to take on their emotions... someone walks in a room and I know their mood
Very true am also a empathy we suffer alit and get to be taken advantage but we are blessed cabs be cursed
I have been co-dependent with my son. I understand to stay out of the way now and let his life take it's own path. I finally let go and holy crap, how liberating. Yes, it was a painful thing to watch initially; however, today the bonus is.. HE has grown so much. Everybody is so much happier today.
I’m hearing impaired. I love what you are saying. I can hear you. You have amazing diction and allow, me, at least, to read your lips.
Thank you
I agree, you have an amazing diction. And a clear, sound, balanced and healthy way to address the theme. Thank you.
Turn on captions...
I'm definitely Both but I never realized how codependent especially in realtionships or the people I really love!!! I'm always on a mission to fix and heal people and I end up hurting myself or getting hurt in the process most of the time especially if I feel unappreciated or rejected 🤦🏾♀️😥
Al Anon if CODA isn’t available. This has saved my life. Good luck.
This is me too . recipe for pain. Leave . Easier said than done for us. I am going to do though at 66! xxx
Me too🥺🥺
you are right when you say that the other person has to be ok for us to be ok. Just light bulb went on!!!!!!
I am a recovering empath with codependent tendencies so you could imagine what most of my relationships have looked like. My mother was a drug addict and was killed when I was 8 yrs old and my father was never around until her death but was still distant. This was the beginning of the emotional rollercoaster my life had been since then and finally at age 33 I am just now seeming to breakthrough this blockage that has kept me from actually living. I use to feel it was my job to save everyone only to realize I lost myself in the process. I send out a big congratulations to everyone here because I guarantee this is the first step to not just living but actually being ALIVE! You are all appreciated if noone every told you and your definitely not alone in this journey. ⭐🙏❤️🌹🍀🌈🌟☀️🐝🌻🧚✨💪💪💪💪
People confuse love with control all the time.
Control is only good if it self control.
I'll tell a few ppl how controlling my mother was. Their response. *She really loved you.*
Yep. It’s hard to tell the difference when you’re in the middle of a codependent relationship.
How about being alone as being different from lonely. Sometimes I'm surrounded by people and feel lonely and vice versa. You made a great point just semantics for clarification
I cried watching this; it explains pretty much everything.. time to start recognising and changing my exhausting patterns in relationships. Thank you.
Me too😪
Hang in there it gets better! Far better than I could have imagined a couple/few years ago.
I was adopted at 2 by a blind woman who early in my life was border line abusive because of her own abuse. I had my first dream after her being dead for 13 years that i stood up to her and let out emotions ive held on to since i was 4. I was neglected as a baby with malnutrition in a 3rd world county. I am working through a lot.
hugs to you
❤
🙏🏻
Ana - I’m the adoptive mom of two daughters now in their twenties. They were born in a third world country & adopted as infants. I just want to say to you that you deserved, & deserve still, safe & unconditional love. You are so loved by God, who created you & who has a wonderful purpose for your life. I am sending a big hug.
@@debbiem6406 that was so beautiful
Boundaries are hard for me! Yes, because I'm worried about being abandoned or not needed. As a mom of 5 adult children it is really hard to now not want to fix everything for them and let them do it for themselves! Also I realize that being needed is still part of what makes me fell good about myself... linked to my self esteem --- Working SO hard on changing this!!! I feel I am a true Empath however I grew up in co-dependence and am trying to unlearn those behaviors. Starting to be ok with others feelings and being ok with my discomfort with it but just listening to them and empathizing and encouraging them that they can get thru it, instead of giving advice or trying to fix it unless they ask for my help or advice.
I am both empathic and codependent . I’ve realised I have no boundaries & have run myself close to suicide several times.... this video has been so enlightening for me! I am 53 now & have only just started to learn about myself because I have been racing around trying to save the world..... & A’s said here, it had never made a difference apart from stopping me from giving where I truly wanted to! Thanks
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🌌
Wow 😢 this is two years later I sure hope you’re at peace you deserve that 🙏🏾❤️
@@nadineelseudy5835 it’s a work in progress, haha but I think, we’ll I’m sure, it is progressing!
Best of all, though, I still find it easy to love human beings which apparently , many find hard to do. You’re 2 years later comment has only strengthened that! Thank you.
@@rogereaton575 yay I’m so glad darlin!!
I just came to the realization in the past few weeks that I definitely have codependent tendencies and I knew already I am an empath. So much to unwind 😞
This is the work Kay - and it's not a bad thing, just part of being human.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" ~Hillel
Boundaries are not only about saying no to requests. Boundaries are also about asking for things and getting your needs met in a relationship, and if the person can not meet those needs, they are violating a boundary.
Hi I'm Mel. You're spot on. Even though I have done sooooo much work getting to know myself, I see my daughters following in my icky past footsteps. When I see them suffering, I flashback into my own past. I know I can't fix or change their circumstances, so I keep exhaling, stay present, and know that it always works out when people learn on their own.
I admit, I have isolated and avoided so I can stay grounded. That's where I am at today. Thank you for the reminders. ❤
It’s so painful ❤❤❤
I stand with you in being a bystander until they request help (like great video content). I ache.
Holy shit, thanks for this.. I thought I knew what codependence was and always said "I'm independent, I don't need anyone to help me through life, I pay my own bills, own my own house, etc." but I am 1000 % a codependent in all relationships. I need to unlearn this ASAP its a terrible cage to live in having other peoples emotions have control over us.
This randomly appeared on my youtube feed. I needed to see it thank you.
I learned codependency trying to keep everyone around me happy. I was the scapegoat at home and then married a Jykel and Hyde. I tried to leave and was told by my mom, how dumb I was, etc, etc. After 32 years, we are divorced and its hard.
I was accused of being a Jykel and Hyde. can you explain that more to me?
Im sorry for your loss 32 years sounds really hard. It was only a few months for me and its been incredibly hard.
@@Savage_Thinker He was sweet as sugar in one moment and was mean and cruel the next. It will get better, learn as much as you can about his behavior patterns. Dr. Romani on TH-cam has lots of really good information.
@Observe self hang in there, it really does get better. If you can go no contact, please do. You deserve someone who is good to you.
Going through this rn 4 kids in the picture 15 years together he tells me how I should feel, tells me that I don't understand my own behaviours,tells me that I can't do it alone is that like a subtle mental abuse ? I'm so fd up in my head I don't even know myself anymore
Crushed is a perfect word
Thank you
One great thing my Mom taught me and this really drives it home.. SELF-RESPECT.
❤️
I’m doing this work mostly alone, but with my own sporadic therapy when needed. Currently, I’m pulling out of dysfunctional dysfunction with my adult child. I’m currently no contact with them due to cruel and hurtful behaviors that I cannot and will not take anymore. I am both an empath and a recovering codependent and have chosen myself for the first time in my life. I am 53. I’ve said no to a lot these past few years and it’s super difficult to deal with the guilt and tantrums of those who are used to your empathy, reflective nature and ability to take responsibility for whatever they lay at your feet.
I listen to videos like this to keep my wits and strength about me. Thank you so much! I’m new here. I’ve subscribed and will share this. Your video is timely, well put together, well-articulated, realistic and empowering. You have no idea just how much I needed this boost! I will get your list and sign up for your wait list. Thanks again!
Children becoming codependent with a parent is a tough one. It's sort of the Parent's responsibility, up to a certain point or age. For me, it seemed fine, until I turned 16, and started to grow my own identity and independence. I think the complication for me...was this parent of mine being mentally ill, and on permanent disability too. Of course I felt like I should be doing everything I could to help...but it was kind of a trap. A trap that I was unknowingly contributing to. I finally stopped trying to save this parent. Sometimes saving is enabling too. Once I realized I was enabling them by saving them...that was a big eye opener for me. I do try to help them occasionally on my own schedule still, but often when I give an inch, they still try to take a mile 🙄
Thanks Julia 🙏🏼 I definitely got a lot from this one 😊
relatable
To quote the famous Rush song, "One must put up barriers to keep oneself intact".
OMG! I am so thankful that your channel came into my world. I needed to hear this. I am both empathetic and codependent. I know my codependency stems from my childhood where I sacrificed my own well-being for the sake of "the family" and not rocking the boat.
Thank you so much. I was codependent with my soulmate. I learned that if someone wants to destroy themselves, there is nothing I can do about it. Your comment about helping someone, but not feeling responsible is helpful. Walk away. It’s the best gift I can give. One person got up and is making changes. The other, maybe he will die. My best friend. It sucks that I can’t save him. Thank you so very much.
As a codependent you don,t “see” yourself, you don,t have the right to...and self appreciation is conditioned. Good video description Julia and my own personal experience is that you need a hardwork for takeout codependence way of thinking, the reaction of family vampires when you change is complete rejection, well indicated in your video. Good work
I found your videos definitely the most informative one on TH-cam. Thank you for sharing your knowledge
8 minutes in and you explained this better than I’ve ever heard. Completely opened my eyes on why I never feel good unless my mom is ok. I try so hard to help but can push her away. It’s like she feels attacked but in my mind I’m trying to fix her. And by doing that I will ‘fix’ me and the family. Especially since my dad passed two years ago and my mom is my world but isn’t the best listener, because she too has been through a lot. I have a killer intuition and am quite sensitive and would probably say I’m also an ‘empath’
I’m an Aquarius. Probably explains some of it. I really do want everyone to be well, content and happy. I’ve been around a lot of negativity with my brother. It’s a handful. I’m a handful
I really appreciated this video right now because I have been helping a friend who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I've been helping her by watering a big collection of plants she has while she's in the hospital. I'm really not suited to be doing this because I have a bad back. not only does she not appreciate that I've been helping her this way, she complains that I'm not doing it right. I told her today I cannot continue doing it. I stood up for myself, I set up boundary, and she acted like I was letting her down, as everyone lets her down. Listening to your video here has really encouraged me that yes this is hard, but I must do this. I must set a boundary and I must protect myself and not let somebody else's demands on my time as well as emotional health be predominant. I have learned a lot from your videos and I'm very grateful. Thank you ever so much!
Holy cow!! I used to do this! Being an Empath is tough and yet a blessing for me! It’s taken lots of practice but I’m no longer a doormat! I don’t try and fix others and allow them to grow and still be there but they put the effort and it’s their own reward! Win win! But wow! Has it taken much counseling and building my own skills! Wish I had you long ago though! It’s something I have to practice every single day! Thank you for explaining so well!! 👏🏻❤️😁👍🏻👌🏻
It is so freeing.. my uncle's wife was telling my child that his feelings are his feelings and he has the right to feel whatever he feels. I was in shock. I had never been told or heard anything like that before. I abide in that now. I'm unattached from the outcome and the person I'm communicating with is also completely free to be real with themselves. It's ok and it needs to happen to move forward. Whatever the outcome.
Thank you, that was very helpful. Growing up I was always compared with my brother by my mom. I was the “ selfish” one, to this day I don’t know why. Mom would volunteer me to do favors for extended family members or friends, some people I did not even know, without asking me first. Most of the time I did it and when I said No she was not happy with me and made me feel guilty.So I grew up and became an adult always concerned about everyone’s happiness and give myself to help people and fix situations. I am over 50 now, separated and having the time to reflect and really figure out who I really am. And I have started to say No and make my well being the number one priority. I still find myself doing the “ codependent “ thing once in a while but not to the extent I used to. This video was extremely helpful. Was reassuring me of something I already intuitively new was going on but I could not define it
Absolutely! Good job!!!
My mum did this and I remember snapping one day and saying stop volunteering me !! Co dependent empath here 😂 learned that one ☝🏻
What i learned from this session was learning what : "differentiate yourself" means... To change your usual reaponse, don't do things (send a like) for others...do it because YOU want to. It was good to hear you say, "this wont be easy"; it was good to hear you say, "some will notice and adjust" 😊
Thanks. Started taking control of my life. Understanding what I need and never compromising. It is what it is. People can deal with or leave.
This is helpful I struggle with both of codependent and empathy
Hi Julia, my big takeaway from this is, and I think I am understanding this more from our shift society and is that even therapists can't fix people. That must be a big misconception that people have, huh? The good news is - yes, I do need the tools and the guidelines, but I am capable of fixing myself! I am already rewiring my brain because of our group. Being more mindful. Such great stuff. Thanks for the 25 healthy ways to say no. =) I am looking forward to our teaching today! See you at noon!
I love hearing your thoughts and seeing how invested you are in yourself Chris. It's truly inspiring.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you so much. It truly making a difference!
I felt other people’s pain as a child as if it were my own. I felt that life was so emotionally painful I could barely stand it. I realized I couldn’t get through this life with my heart on my sleeve so I had to toughen up but then it’s hard to be emotional appropriately when you are half in your feelings. I am both, Empath and Codependent. I have struggled with codependency, I have married a narcissist (and divorced) I constantly take care of people and stress and try to make things okay for people. I attract broken people. I’m 54 and now it feels like I don’t live my life. These videos make me feel squirmy sometimes but I know that means it is right and something I need to work on. Thank you for the truth.
wow its like if you describe me im 51 and also married a narcissist and seperated im still in the struggle we should become friends
I’m new here, my name is Carolina and i hate that even when I know what’s best best for me, I still stay in shitty situations because I feel bad for the other person.
A narcissists HUGEST MEGA WEAPON is PITY! See either Richard Grannon or Ross Rosenburgh (sp?) on HOW WE are puppeteer'd by GUILT and SHAME.
When faced with this "feeling sorry for the other guy" dilemma, I NOW ask myself... FOR WHOM am I about to make my decision....
SEE YOUR motives above ALL and BE bloody well balls out HONEST with YOU.
Are you using guilt (disguised as ALWAYS - as "care" for another?) almost like cerebral grease to slide a quick move past your own gatekeeper?
Who WILL be SERVED by YOUR next ACT? (the one YOU are about to CHOSE?)
Hi Caro m..... try to do meditation in a very quite place for 30min everyday. Talk to your inner self and speak freely and say I respect my self. I love my self. I value my self. Continue keep repeating saying these prayer.
Wow Kristina you finally turned on the light that was so dim for so many years on why I was always reeled in to family and peoples problems, devalued then decarded. Because when I didnt agree with their bad behavior, and this was most of the time being in a family of Narcissistic abuse and substance abuse. They would kick me out of the nest, or project themselves on to me.
Needless to say I'm a better much happier person away from them. My life naturally flows. I'm able to see and know my wants and needs. I don't do well with crazy making. And one thing I seriously need to point out is people can really affect your health. By me walking away and taking care of myself I was able to reverse a lot of multiple health issues. It can be done.
This helped me. I recently started dating someone. At first, things were great then slowly he became more negative and whiny. He was under a lot a stress. I offered to help but he declined. It didn’t take me long to tell him we needed to put the relationship on the back burner so he could focus on the stress. I regret it had to end that way. I presented positive results from his turmoil and offered support but I could not take getting bogged down because of his situation but I put up firm boundaries. Then I said goodbye. It was hard because we were getting so close. I will help but I can’t fix.
A codependent empthiser married to a seriously needy and manipulative narcissist! What to do?
I'm co-empathic. (J/K). I'm learning to say no and setting boundaries. It's most difficult when in a relationship where you've allowed your unstated boundaries to be violated, then try to establish them. BUT, I'm doing it!
I never knew how much I needed to hear this until I did.
It was hard to identify but its amazing to see how I can give my progress a name.
“We are there with them, we don’t try to fix it for them” I need to remember this line!
This is very hard to follow, at least for me . When I see how someone can get out of a terrible financial and emotionally draining situation, I can't help but do all I can to help. But despite my efforts, I find the person doesn't want to help themselves. I'm done. It's taken me 12 months to see this and that I'm not responsible to help people fix their problems.
FINALLY, someone who is qualified, caring, and capable of helping those of us that really need this help and guidance. THANK YOU!! Your videos are amazing, and you are SUCH a pivotal variable in my journey to the "other side". :)
WOW: I Just Learned About
Being An Empath And Not Being Co-Dependent Upon
A Passive/Aggressive
Persons Demands.
Im new, and I like your channel so much. I am struggling with depression and anxiety, and I stumbled upon your channel, I love it so much. Learned so many things so far! 😊🙏
So good to have you here Rea. Welcome!
i was both an empath and codependent, now at 35, after many years of trying to be understanding my problems, i shifted, or more of an awakening happened, now i am interdependent and an awakened empath, and I refuse to be controlled or manipulated by Narcissists. I also became an enabler at some point in my life. so many years wasted, but I learn a lot about myself now. thanks for this explanation, it made it more clearer for me.
Wow, I have always know I'm an empath. Although realised how much so I am. I find it extremely hard. This has been explained so well, thank you
Lara that's my name and Brown was my very first 💘
This is honestly the best explanation of the differences between an empath and a codependent I’ve ever seen. I’m a standard empath. If I have codependent tendencies, they are very minimal. Thank you Julia!
I have been in Al-Anon since I was in my 20s, now in my 50s I realized and now work as an Empath and a therapist. I am also an HSP. So, basically, I can validate everything you're saying here and just want to support you and your channel! Thank you!
This subject matter should be taught in our schools. It would help the students to become aware and healthy adults. Thank you very much for these excellent videos.
This is beautiful. As a recovering co-dependent, I commend you. Thank you.
So, I knew I was an empath, but now know there's codependency as well. Thank you for your insight. I've recently begun allowing my pain and others (allowing being uncomfortable as you said) without getting taken down by it all. By asking questions and guiding my friends to their own...epiphany or realisation....I can stay more...distant...protected...by asking myself questions I can stop the downward spiral and stay focussed on understanding and healing.
I’m going through my own realizations of being both and in process of healing my self from . Thank you for sharing in a way that is easy to understand.
It's so nice to have u back where u belong
U went to Canada to talk about your lessons about how to live a happy life
"The essence of balance is detachment. To embrace a cause, to grow fond or spiteful, is to lose one's balance, after which, no action can be trusted." - Thief: The Dark Project
Julia in 3 minutes you totally cleared this up for me. 🧚♂️ I often hear the phrase you’re only as sad as your saddest child and that can really be a sign of codependency. We can become lost in their sadness rather than empathize and be separate enough to help them along (if asked) with whatever their issue is.💡I will be saving this to listen to over and over again!♥️
This was literally me through a situation with someone for the whole of last year... felt like how I felt like this so deeply inside was not truly understandable by anyone else other than me... thank you so much for this video, it makes me feel like there are other people out there like how I get xx
This content opens a ton of information to me that made me realize that I am an empath who has been suffering from codependence. I am full of emotion while typing this. I am beyond happy to discover your channel. Thank you very much, Julia.
I swear you e read my mind thoughts and feelings on my fresh out of 11 year hyper narcissistic relationship..... Awesome 👏
I'm new to your channel. Thank you for this platform! I'm a MFT student and one of my professor told us that: WE AS THERAPIST ARE THE CLEAN UP CREW, WE SHOW THE CLIENT HOW THEY CAN CLEAN UP TOO. Thank you again for your work.🙏🏾💖
Such powerful, life changing information! 👍🏻☀️
Really glad you found this helpful Dee and really glad you're here.
@ Julia Kristina Counselling Yes, I am so glad to be here also! 😊
I just came across your page today... and this video was exactly what I needed. I just recently learned that I had co dependency tendencies ( I am 35 and grew up with my dad who was an alcoholic, parents married for 35 years) and I had no idea that even existed. I just left very toxic relationship after 5 years and I’m trying to work back on my mental health bc I have 3 small children and I hope to be better for them. Thank you for your desire to help others help themselves.
I think there’s a VERY thin line between these two conditions. Co-dependents are by nature, very empathic and feel things very deeply. Hard to differentiate the difference and how to separate your emotions enough to maintain your own personal boundaries. It’s a precarious balance to find.
I'm not sure I totally agree - first, that either are conditions. I think codependency is a learned way of relating to others, and being empathic is part of the traits of being a more highly sensitive person.
I've also met and worked with many people who relate to others in codependent way who don't tend to exude a higher degree of empathy.
Regardless, self-differentiation, learning to listen to oneself and having healthy boundaries for ALL people I think is essential.
@@juliakristinamah
I really liked that last sentence you wrote here as I felt it really hit it on the nail and got past all the filler of esoteric mysticism when people try to mix their own personal and quite frankly subjective beliefs with clinical practice.
Context. I used to despise pop psychology because of the fact that it was so accessible. Anybody with an opinion and a smart phone can access entry level knowledge and then, they think it's a good idea to go and "help" other people when they have barely touched the surface of what it takes to be a bonafide professional.
I'm really glad I found this video. I'll be sure to check out your channel for more nuggets
Thank you so much, so insightful. I'm realizing I have strong characteristics of a co-dependent and I'm going to need help to change. The search for freedom had begun, thank you for sharing wisdom.
Namaste 🙌💜🙏
Story of my life. Thank you, Julia, for shining a light into my dark abyss of a life. I’m coming into the light and I’ll be sure to not let others guilt trip me just because they aren’t getting their way. I live my life by my choices. And hearing you say that I’m not doing anything wrong in the end for doing that is very reassuring. Thank you and take care 💙💙💙
Richer Morin thank you, I appreciate it 😌
My wife is codependent and I am empathic the way you explained this. Very well made video. Keep up the good work.
You are so helping me find me. I could cry Happy tears. OMG!!!, Thank You, with all of my 💞.😇
Boosting your ability to say no clearly, but kindly...it's a game changer.
I'm definetly both. You untangled the vines that I need to do the work to achieve. Thank you for your videos, they have helped me in so many situations
My name is Nick. I recently discovered you after my therapist and I realized I exhibit a large number of symptoms of codependency. I started researching it and came across your channel. It's one of several resources I'm using to work out what's needed for me to recover from and treat this. Thank you for what you do.
I am so thankful for this channel. I have been here for about six months and it is amazing every time I pray about something in my life your videos come up with exactly what I needed to hear for healing in my life. I am so thankful!! 😊
I love it when that happens!
A masterclass I've waited 60 years to hear. Bravo! 👏💐
Hi Julia. Thanks so much for the fantastic content. I really struggle with needing everyone to 'be ok', before I can feel ok. This helps heaps 😀
“be there for the process, but unattached of the outcome” your words are truly life changing for me! this video is encouraging on so many levels
Wow, this was SO enlightening!! Thank You So much!! Learning how to break up our disfunctional systems in order to free ourselves and in order to actually grow as adults is such a great step!! Thanks for guiding us there!!👍🙏🏻
Ashe, it is time.
OMG I so needed this! Exactly my issues. You described a relationship I have with my 25-year-old daughter, and she was becoming increasingly self-absorbed self-centered inconsiderate and mean, to which her best friend called her out on it a couple months ago.
Everything absolutely everything in this video applies to me! My manager at Hewlett-Packard worked with me on saying NO 9 years ago. I identified a people pleasing issue a year and a half ago.
My neighbor prescribed a month break from my family. The hardest was my 25 yr old daughter, because of my two adorable granddaughters age two and four that my Daughter can hardly manage, she's in tears.
What I noticed on a break, was I suddenly had way more energy, a lot of joy and I wasn't dragged down by listening to my daughter's problems every week. I've had to set boundaries with her, In the last 4 years of her going through a marriage to an abusive alcoholic man. Ie That if she wasn't going to work on the solution I wasn't willing to hear the problems again, and I would remind her "how is this different from a year ago", etc, and "I've heard this before", and tell her, "I'm not a dumping ground for your garbage.". It was difficult, washing tears stream down her face from the abuse. I learned, every time she started to repeat a pattern, I would back away, and get out of the way. My older daughter helped me set boundaries, by telling me you can't fix his mom, She got herself into this mess she has to get herself out. Focus on your own life and everything will work out. true to a point but my older daughter doesn't understand the nature of abuse and alcoholism... It's a tough situation to get out of.... Those type of men are controlling and manipulative, and pull a woman self-esteem down so they won't leave.
I was stretched then trying to commute to help her with her kids, and cutting vacations short, helping her financially in her self created emergencies with poorly planned trips She took (I'd like to take a trip!), And giving up income opportunities to accommodate her. I'm not saying that she didn't go out of her way also to make sure the grandkids and her got to see me once a week. And I'm not saying that she didn't used to be a delightful considerate genuine sincere nice person at times. When she wasn't smoking pot, taking psychedelics, drinking beer and hanging out with her older brother. And guess what, She's mad at me. But she was also getting increasingly nasty, hanging out with my rich sister. I told her at one point you remind me my sister, She's not nice to me. My daughter didn't apologize She just said I understand and was even nastier.
I used to tell people don't tell my Daughter.... (Feeling a blank with that I did anything for myself and not her).
The other relationship that's changed is with a close friend. This is a friend who lost it mentally In 2020, and her family and friends all helped her. But as soon as you're not rowing the paddles in the life raft for her, she jumps back in the water. She is in a state where people need to stop sympathizing with her and get tough and get her in the boat paddling monitoring her medication working with her therapist and expect her to do the work on her own. I tried to organize her family to pull together efforts and talk through this and decide who's going to do what since we're all trying to help separately. But nobody's interested. I live the furthest away. Letting go is hard but it's reaffirming to hear this video.
The other thing I realized was taking a break from my family, is how many games Three of my adult kids play. I see through their b*******. They will say and do things that are inappropriate with me but then twist it around tell each other someone simple thing taken out of context to get the other ones mad and then they're all nasty to me. They are ages 25, 27 and 29. There's no excuse for that much immaturity and lack of integrity. It was my desperate need to be loved that contributed to my people pleasing. Taking a break, A woman I know told me will allow me to change those patterns with my kids. Like that song by Aretha Franklin A Little Respect Please!!!!
When I was depressed a well meaning friend who is co dependent was constantly trying to help me. It was about her. She was so overbearing and would often leave me in tears. It can come across as a form of bullying. I didnt need that help..I never asked for it. I started to think it was all about her. She pushed me to the brink. What a mess. My friend who I would say was an empath was my saviour.
Hi! Alicia Ramos from Texas. I work in health coaching and psychotherapy! Also working on my license LPC. Headed to clinicals in spring 2021. So happy I found your channel!
I'm not a fan of the term "co-dependent," but recognizing misplaced responsibility, unhealthy approval needs are important distinctions. Thank you.
Completely agree. I think it is just all misplacement, at least for me. Never considered myself to be codependent but I do know I over help and can take on certain peoples emotions. I know it’s corny but I did that languages of love test. I came up high in the service bucket. And I’m wondering if a lot of people who have codependent tendencies are that way too.
We start out by doing for others because that’s how we show love, but then it gets away from us and becomes something else that starts to hurt us. However, the pure intention is not a weakness, we need more people who can also take care of themselves but also think of others. There are plenty of people who don’t.
My boss was trying to convince me, at least it felt like it, that it’s a weakness. I came to realize it’s not, it’s more like a power 😊. I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s a weakness but i need to control and direct my ‘powers’ at appropriate times, making sure I take care using what I took from this video.
Thank God !!! Thank you!! I needed to hear this because I'm turning into crumbs. And every time I want to do something for myself I get judged, criticized, ECT ECT I feel like I'm in a cage where I cant do anything with my life. I now understand I'm codependent didn't know what that was when my therapist told me, now thanks to this video I understood and as you where explaning I started to think of all the things I've done that I really didn't want to do just to please another person. And how much I have abandoned myself!!! I felt terrible but it definitely moved something in me. I'm really exhausted of dealing with so much without having too and trying to fix other people's lives. I feel some people only see me as a backup whenever they need me and I have noticed some trash me out when I cant be there. But I'm sick and tired. I started to change my routine and go out on my own with my dog and cruise around the city singing into my favorite tunes, grabbing a bite, or even just sitting at the park just letting my mind wander off and relaxing on my own. When I do this I ignore my phone calls or messages because it's my time. But if I'm out for hours. I already have all these messages and missed calls with negative content since I did not respond. Very very tired I've been trying my best to detach from all this. And this is why I'm a magnet to narcissists. I'm trying to break off but like you said many people will be angry at me in the process. Little by little I know I will eventually get to the point I will care less, with feeling an inch of stress. I want to be me and be freed from this. Don't want it anymore!! I'm tired!! Tired!! I want to live my own life, and not others, I need to love me and take care of my needs. Sometimes I ask myself how I can be so compassionate for others but be mean to myself 😭😭. I have a big heart but it gets me in trouble because I can exaggerate when it comes to taking care of others needs. 😔😔😢I need help but I know God and our Blessed mother Mary placed this video for me today. Because today prayed and cried pleading for an answer. We celebrate our Mother of Guadalupe every December 12 and here's my answer, this video. I have alot of hope now and I don't feel alone after I read the comments. God bless you!
I’ve thought about how codependency doesn’t feel like a form of selflessness (although you can lose yourself from practicing it) but almost more so, a strange form of selfishness . I have had strong codependent tendencies and behaviors in the past (and am trying to learn how to prevent them - and then actually prevent them - in the future) and I think it is, oddly, selfish. I have actually thought in the past when I was trying to fix everything for everyone that what I was doing and how I was responding wasn’t for them, it was for me. I realized and noticed I seemed to need things fixed and solved and prevented and wanted that far more than the people with - and responsible for - the problems to begin with, which in itself is a problem.
And then I resented those people for MY feeling I had to (or needed?) to fix the mess that they had or were responsible for, as I wasn’t going to be able to relax until the problem that they had or were causing, that they weren’t taking care of, was fixed (and since they weren’t doing it, or going to do it, or maybe capable of doing it at that time, or for whatever reason - basically since no one else was going to handle it, to me, that meant I had to do it instead). I mean I wasn’t completely separate from the problems - they were usually ones that had SOME ramifications / consequences for me as well, but to a lesser degree. It’s a weird thing to be aware of - it’s almost a little ocd in a way - like I feel I can’t relax until (or at least I prefer that) an area is cleaned up and tidy, then transferring that same need-for-tidyness-and-organization desire from THINGS to PEOPLE and their situations, feelings, predicaments, friction with others, etc. When ocd relates to things and one’s environment, it’s ocd, but when that behavior transfers to people, that might also be codependency I think. Like a social ocd. Hm. 🤔🤨😳
Totally resonates with me. Thank you.
I feel this.
Holy shit. Yes.
Sorry for thumbs down. Scrolling mishap! 😏 Have a happy day!
We are seeing how important it is to really heal ourselves and put our needs as a priority too, because it affects our children and it will affect others & our entire lives. We are products of our environment, but we are able to change and should take responsibility to look at ourselves and make changes. We are not perfect. We are meant to do a lot of shadow work; learning and unlearning, it’s a part of our growth and lessons we desired to learn.
I become codependent of my partner but I'm glad I made the effort of staying empathic with my friends :)
Not only do I feel more deeply but I also express more deeply than most people I know. I’ve always though I was just passionate and emotional but never thought of it like this . Thanks