LOL I appreciate the mention regarding the dislikes but I stand by my statement....You're right people are allowed to not like your message...but you are being sincere and trying to help people so why the thumbs down?...bet if it were like facebook and the viewers could see who thumbed it down there wouldnt be as many...I appreciate the work you do and if miserable people dont notice it thats their problem!
2:35 1. Other peoples thoughts 3:10 2. Other peoples feelings 4:52 3. Guessing others needs 5:40 4. Meeting all of others needs 12:40 Making other people happy 14:27 Fixing other peoples problems 19:00 reading other people's minds 20:12 setting other peoples boundaries
When you grow up in a super unhealthy environment where your parents make you feel like everything is your fault/resposibility, the worst part is being in a HEALTHY partnership later in life and assuming they are also an abuser but they're not! Trust issues. Your advice is so healing.
@@juliakristinamah Yes, it maybe, if they are our parents. As children we are responsible to take care when they are old and enjoying their remaining years. It's hard to put up with some of the emotional outbursts and tantrums.
Yeong Hui LOH you are not truly responsible for them though. In addition, most people are acting out of their own subconscious...fears/regrets. Of anything I’ve learned, it helps to have healthy detachment. Most others behaviors aren’t about us, it’s about that person. We can’t be happy if we take things personally (taking things personally is a pretty egocentric stance anyways) We can’t be healthy and apply meaning to what others are doing. It’s the meaning we apply to our thoughts or others actions...that creates SO much suffering. As a medical professional, I dealt with people who had cognitive issues, dementias, strokes etc.. some healthcare providers would get more annoyed than others. I was patient and kind because of my beliefs of the situation. I knew the patients weren’t doing it to be annoying etc, they had their own things going on. IT WASN’T ABOUT ME. I’d also like to challenge your belief system about HAVING to take care of your elders... that’s a pressure that’s external, forced on you. It’s cultural, familial, etc and comes with a risk of being ostracized. That’s like many religions and cliques etc. Just because it is...doesn’t mean it’s right. It is hard to take back one’s own power, but doable. Have you brainstormed solutions too.. how can you work on yourself to maximize your self worth (without external validation) to be impervious to others opinions or behaviors. It’s one of the strongest places to be. Can you share the “responsibility”.. Is there respite care? Resentment builds the more you abandon yourself to be what others want you to be... I wish you direction, healing and blessings 🌸
@@juliakristinamah At my father's deathbed when I was 12 y/o, and my sisters 9y/o and 6y/o the family passing by during wake repeated over and over 'now you girls have to look after your mother'. I remember exactly the moment it was instilled! We continued 'looking after our mother' which we interpreted as being responsible for her feelings and problems into my young adulthood. My sisters continue this behavior even today 40yrs later. I wouldn't say they are closer, they are more exhausted. I think young girls are conditioned like this sometimes and they don't even realize it? It just 'seemed like the right thing' once upon a time to 'care' so much. Now, I'm the 'uncaring' one when I consider my own feelings and needs too. 'Hurting you and acting like you hurt them' like she's saying is such a phenomena. It's a real mind bender.
I'm a card carrying people pleaser and empath. I need to hear this over and over until it sticks in my crazy subconscious mind. Thank you for posting. You are a great therapist.
I think that hearing that I’m not responsible for meeting other people’s needs , reading their minds, trying to guess their needs was the thing that hit me the most. This video is a HUGE help to me! I keep rewatching it! Thanks!!!
Ex people pleaser because I did 4 yrs of codependency course because people pleasing is unhealthy codependency it's allowing yourself to be a doormat go to pastor RC BLAKES JN on TH-cam video called how to become a Queen to attract your king and his video on how to become a king to attract your QUEEN... People pleasing days over forever. God bless you and your family and work love from Wendy Drummond from Adelaide South Australia
if we all were people pleasers the world would be so fun. But there are those who think everyone else lives to please them and them alone. So lets not get down on people pleasers.
My mother hold me responsibel for everything in her life. Even her happiness. I struggel with guilt so I love to hear you speak so clear! Thank you!!!!!!!!
This is so enlightening. I've struggled with low self esteem my entire life, and I've always felt responsible for everyone and all these things. Thank you for uploading this 💗
Lol this made me sad because walking on eggshells was all i did when i was growing up at home with my family. Literally ALL i did. And now how i see how unhealthy it all was
I hear that. Eggshells, that nervous pit in the stomach, always feeling we’re doing something “wrong”. It seems we often carry what we did to survive as children (to make sense of where we fit in our families, and the world) into our adult lives and those youthful survival strategies become self/other sabotage in adulthood. It’s not our fault, but it is our adult responsibility to own our well being. Not an easy journey, becoming ourselves...but worth the trip! It can be so hard not to confuse what feels familiar (familial) with love - and to avoid the pitfalls of adult relationships where we continue the familiar, unhealthy patterns...that’s where good support and self awareness and passionate bravery come in! We are here to become ourselves - it’s our right...and responsibility ;) Best to you....
Alan Robarge and The Personal Development School (Thais Gibson) have both been super transformative for my journey. They address attachment styles developed due to childhood wounds. It has been revolutionary and empowering for me to see things differently. Unfortunately all we know for a while, is adaptive tools to get along the best we can...at that time. They become deeply embedded in us, how we see ourselves and others, how we react. It takes work to look at the subconscious thoughts, beliefs, the false narratives and challenge them. We are influenced by society too. I am so much more self aware and blanched...and still have a ways to go!! I wish you healing and blessings🌸
I am glad you said @12:20 being pure about showing up...the work I do on myself, to sum up, I test the purity of my motives....thank you. I believe this is a healthy validation...sometimes things get hard and it is easy to trick myself into thinking I should have done more...we just are what we are...
Hi Mrs. Kristina. I love your videos and your wisdom that you teach. Thank you. I have a four year old daughter, who I believe, is teaching me to set better boundaries, especially when she’s asking for various stuff. I am going to apply the “mindful” packing responsibility” because I often take on the toys she packs and cannot carry on her own while I already have full hands, literally. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Other peoples thoughts & feelings - Meeting others needs - Making other people happy - Setting other peoples boundaries - Taking on peoples problems. Actually if i am honest all of the above to a degree. Love this thank you
Dear Julia Christina , even to this day your video has an impact, I've recently had weeks of what I can only describe as incredibly stressful, people expecting me to fix their problems and holding me accountable and trying to get me involved in their dispute with another. It would be really good if they saw your video also so that they understand the message . I don't mind supporting people and giving advice when asked for , even this is my choice, thankyou very much for these videos.
Of course it is important to set boundaries and to see what we can and can't control. But I always have the feeling that BECAUSE we can't know what someone is thinking, needing or feeling and BECAUSE those things are so individual, and BECAUSE we as a society are not trained to necessarily be empathic, it is very important to learn to check in with people. And I do feel it IS absolutely our responsibility to not assume things and just do whatever we think is best to do and put the responsibility on the other person to tell us if that doesn't work for them. For example, I don't just assume, that it is ok for my friend with anxiety to go to a crowded place with me, just because it would be ok for me. And I want to share the responsibility with them. I want them to feel cared for by me checking in with them and on the other hand hope they will tell me. Just like I expect from the people around me, that they check in with me about what I want and need and not just roll through their life like a bulldozer.
You have talked about it before so I'm happy you brought this up again. I'm always wanting to help my friends and family with the information I learn hear and the self help books I've been reading. Fro the people I think it would benefit the most I get a lot of resistance. I'm going to try and step back and tell myself it's not my responsibility. I can only be responsible for myself. Thanks again!
Great video. Thanks for all you give. Just today my friend/caregiver (surgery a few months ago) told me he cannot be friends with me anymore. I felt relief. This person isn’t a bad person, but he very much lacks taking responsibility for his own actions. ‘ I missed my interview because I was doing this for you.’ It got old fast and I let him know that he is NOT to let ANYTHING pertaining to ME get in the way of HIS responsibilities. I wish him well. He has been raised with gaslighting. I’m breathing fresh air to not have to be his excuse for all the issues that he harbors. Especially being made to feel bad about myself because he missed this or that on my account. Thanks Julia Kristina, you’re alright! . 👍✅
I’ve been dealing with many issues due to explaining these things to ppl, especially in relationships or pursuits of possible relationships. I explained it the same way she did and each time they shut down, I’m starting to notice there’s only two mindsets in this world. Many ppl are constantly making decisions off of their emotions and then there’s US, we’re seen as narcissistic which is not bad btw. We are more logical and deeper in thought rather than emotions.
Hi Julia! I wasn’t sure that this was a problem with my relationship until I watched this video. I’m such a people pleaser for fear that they won’t like me. All of the things you listed is what I’m guilty of doing, ugh. But through your BPC program I realize I need to like myself and it’s becoming more and more apparent the more I watch your videos. I thank you for that knowledge. Every video I watch I take away a lesson, now I just need to apply it to me. You’re my hero, looking forward to your next video. 🙏🏽💙
Hi Julia I just found your channel and you have no idea how glad I am I did, I have only listened to a few of your tapes, but already feeling more empower, thank you .
So true... great video. I've wasted many years trying to solve family members problems to my families detriment... something i still have to stop and think before acting.
The thing about setting others boundaries... That is a point I didn't even know...that it was upto them to communicate it to me. Was trying to be a better reader of the other person's mind, emotions etc. Wow. Thank you so much.
I will be replaying this video for awhile-it truly was everything I needed to hear, at the perfect time. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and advice!💜💜💜
I love my mom, I try to do the best at everything to please her and making her happy. Sometimes she appreciates it, sometimes she doesn’t and sometimes she blaming me for not doing it right. This makes me struggle a lot since I never once ask myself what makes me happy. What do I want. All I think is about her need’s
I found your channel 2 days ago and I believe that i’ve already binge watch many many of your videos. Thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge. I’m learning things like i’ve never heard before. Merci!
This video was a game changer for me. For two weeks I listened to a friend. She had some difficulties in these area’s. So I remembered this video. Looked it up in my history, sent it to her. And watched it again myself ❤️
I got ( what I call ) off track? Stopped working out and feeling that self love I need So! Much! Started focusing on helping everyone ( teens/ husband, nephews/ my mother 🙄) 😫? And got Super resentful and insecure 😞 because I thought they should show me Super amounts of gratitude I rightfully deserved 😡😖? I appreciate this video so much! Always can count on your advice 🤗👏👏!! Thank you Julia 🌈🦋💞❤️
Thank you Julia for the reminder. I have been ruminating for over a month on this very question of responsibility in relationships. My marriage counselor keeps trying to tell me I am responsible for my wife's abusive reactions. That just did not seem right to me. I'm having a lot of trouble understanding why I would not only be liable and accountable for her hurt feelings over something so minuscule that I said that got twisted around within her to make her feel her own hurt when that was in no way my malicious intent. But when I try to tell her I'm only responsible / liable / accountable for my honest pure and genuine intent she comes at me with female excuses justifying the wife's abuse towards me and the kids as all my fault because I'm not taking my responsibilities.
Counsellors often don't understand narcissistic abuse. You might want to research narcissism as it sounds a bit like what you're experiencing. Tricky to deal with and best to set boundaries and go no contact if you can. I wish you luck. 🍀💞
This was a topic that I was in dire need of. My anxiety has been like an iceberg underneath the surface it was huge and obvious and I didn't even see the tip of it because so much more obvious anxiety had just fallen away I thought I was doing so much better. finally realizing that this anxiety revolved around responsibility and guilt I came across this video - oh my God! thank you thank you thank you!
That’s why some people commit suicide after being cyber bullied, it’s a tough situation but it makes me think that they were living out of people’s opinions of themselves.
@@juliakristinamah But it wasn't. I am talking about being a child in the '50s and '60s. There was nothing about setting "boundaries" or most of the other principles you talk about in these videos. But they did their best to get me to be be a conformist, to be "good" and "nice" all the time to people at my own expense, and to require me to take courses that bored the crap out of me and still have no practical application to my actual life as an adult. (How about "money management 101" instead of algebra?; how about "Emotional Health and Self Esteem 101" instead of geometry or chemistry?) And children were not taught at all how to deal with bullies in school! It has taken me years to realize that my response to the emotional abuse I endured as a kid was to try and please others, try and be "perfect: and to to be "nice" to others rather than set my own boundaries. I can't change the past; it is what it is, but I wish I'd known this stuff years ago, would've spared me a lot of self-regret and self-bashing for not standing up for myself better. Having been told (by a provisional mother who I can now see was quite unhappy with even having children) that I was the "black sheep" of the family and "born backwards and been backwards ever since" due to being a breech birth I am more than ready to "let it go"...I'm just glad I did not become a full fledged alcoholic or drug addict as I grew up with crappy self-esteem, fending off depression and social anxiety, and had to forge my own self-identity and try to ignore the negativity of my childhood and adolescence. These videos? Keep em coming. Better to learn this stuff later in life than never.
@@DESTRAKON I agree 100% and have said that in other videos. You are not your thoughts, you are the thinker of your thoughts. And you are not your emotions, you are the experiencer of your emotions.
Pretty sure I just got one of the biggest epiphanies of my life from this video. I was raised by narcissists in a religious culture and then served in the military where compassion and consent was never real. I just learned, others are not beholden to me **and have a choice whether or not to engage/help/participate, regardless of their responsibilities**. The lack of that concept in my life has been the source of intense frustration and anger and and confusion and constant conflict on a daily basis for my entire existence. I always longed so dearly to offer a compassionate interaction to others but couldn’t understand where I was missing the mark in my expectations. Wow! This changes EVERYTHING. The major source of anger and inability to communicate is now gone! My heart is bursting with hope! Thank you Julia Kristina for creating this content to help make lives better. You just achieved that goal in a MASSIVE way for me!
Melanie W this is awesome!!!! I was raised by rather strict religious parents, where emotional connection was almost nonexistent, expression of feelings not encouraged and I learned to people please and be a chameleon to feel safe. I’m just now learning who I am, what I really want...& I’m in my 40’s 😲 Along the way, I def rebelled against those concepts and did my own thing...but coming authentically into myself is happening in a much more deep way now. Transformative for me has been channels like this...and Eckhart Tollé, the book ‘Codependent no more’ by Melodie Beattie, TH-cam channels Alan Robarge and The Personal Development School (Thais Gibson) They’ve helped me learn things like what my attachment style is, how to address the issues of it.. I’m a fearful avoidant. I’ve been working on healthy detachment, not being stuck on expected outcomes..but more accepting of what is. I’ve often been an over giver and bending backwards to meeting people’s needs..ultimately was trying to convince others I was good enough (due to my subconscious belief that I wasn’t). Instead, I’m connecting to myself now, challenging my false narratives about myself, others relationships etc. It’s been incredible. I feel more empowered. I’m checking in more often to see if what I’m doing is inline with what matters to me...I used to abandon myself in order to please others. I’d have profound cognitive dissonance as a result and that further increased issues 😬 It’s so beautiful when others have these epiphanies too! I wish you healing, light, empowerment and blessings 🌸
Thank you Julia your a gift from heaven. I struggle each day worring and fearing about other people opinions. This video is so useful thank you so much. When ever I feel down I watch this video and it gives me so much inspiration and motivation. Thank you
Thank you Julia. For me, this gets to the heart of the matter, and was a valuable adjunct to my therapy and my recent foray into ACA. As a result, I've subscribed, and look forward to referencing your obviously valuable insights. Kind of like a "pocket therapist". Thanks for helping those of us who are struggling due to a false perception of ourselves. It sure is tough to overcome!
Is very hard having a twin brother. Come to the point where he made a lot of bad decisions and I'm felt like it was my duty to help him out. Which it had gotten me nowhere. And I've come to notice being around my mom it was expectations and people-pleasing😩. Thx for your insight in helping people like me😌
Thank you for this video! I've noticed lately how much I feel like I need to manage other people's emotions (spouse, kids) and I needed to hear that I'm not responsible for that. Any more content along these lines would be amazing too!
I used to be a big people pleaser, most of my life in fact. I used to always try to get people to like me, think good things about me. I would worry if people thought poorly of me. In my most recent relationship, I would always try to get the approval of my exes family. But after the breakup, I got sucked into a deep depressive state. I worried that "oh great, all that time I spent trying to get them to like me is all for nothing." But I am actually grateful that it happened. It was actually that depression that helped me get out of that state of mind. And I've definitely seen an improvement in all of my other relationships as well as the relationship with myself. I occasionally do get sucked back into that mindset, but I take a few moments to ask myself "Does it really matter what they think of you?" Which the answer is "No, it doesn't". I really do enjoy watching your videos, definitely are helpful. Keep up the good work ^_^
My elderly mother who has been diagnosed with NPD expects me to be responsible for everything, emotionally etc. nothing is ever enough and she is toxic and miserable and takes no responsibility. We are now estranged because it became so stressful and exhausting. And yes I do see an awesome counselor. Thank you @Julia Kristina Counseling
You are doing great good with these videos Julia! Keep them coming😀. I appreciate all the effort you put into them. I would suggest that you do a video on guilt as that might help alot of people who might messed up in their past, but do not to keep stuck in it.
Hey julia...from INDIA todays content helped me tremendously...as an indian kid i had immense pressure on getting approval from parents and peers...it is such a difficult phase but this hepled me on the process of understanding that iam not responsible for many things i thought i was. Thank you
Other people's thoughts opinions and feelings these were the things I took responsibility for that made me stress angry and anxious for long time.thank you so much you opened my eyes and mind
I would like to have friends like you - I enjoy listening to everything you have to say, my PTSD therapist has made a lot of similar points, all encouraging for self love and motivation. I find your advice truely resonating and I would just like to say thank you 🙏🏻✨
Jotting this info into my journal. Very relevant. Typing this notes up and taping it up at my desk at work... So when people get confused, refer to the notes
I try to follow my heart and true intentions and sometimes is almost impossible for me to not attempt to do something, I don't expect anything and I am aware that I can't change anyone, I do carefully consider what I'm going to say or do because I like to think that maybe a little bit of my love and happiness can rub off onto others, I am not attempting to be a hero but is almost like a duty for me to try anyway, I'm not affected by the outcome but as a human being I can not just sit back and not even try a bit. For example I know I can not make my mom Happy but if walking in the rain and getting wet together makes her smile I am going to do it. Your videos are a treasure my eternal gratitude
Wow. My mother found a way to punish me for not doing all of those things listed. I am going to need to rewatch this and really take the time to process it. I feel that this is a great summary to help me through my therapy.
I love this video! In regards to choices.... When they directly affect you...thats hard. Giving your spouse input, but they still choose something that will probably not go well... Just let the cards fall where they may? As a believer, I then pray that God will inspire them since they are not receiving my loving input. Its hard when you can see something so coearly but they cant because its something hard for them to face.
Hello this is Jonathan thank you so much for the awesome info today. There’s several things you touched on that helped me realize a lot of things that happens between me and my brother. Thank you so much . I’ve been enjoying your videos so much . I hope you know that you are a really really awesome person ok
Thanks again Julia I have been a people pleaser. Never done me any good. You make so much sense. I try to keep my dentist happy that must be allowed. Keeping your parents happy? Not easy.
Thank you Julia. .you are a badass warrioress goddess of truth..a breathe of fresh air!...I had to totally disconnect from my dysfunctional family and move countries to heal from their insanity..I took on all the resposibilities of trying to make them happy from being a small child...big mistake...cluster B..not possible...hard lesson well learmed...much love & blessings to you. .💖
"Why do we need, for people to think good things about us?" We have primal fear of beeing excluded from our family/tribe, beeing excluded was a death sentence. Therefor we still are very keen on keeping good relations with the people we feel a belonging to.
Truth time - which one of these have you been taking responsibility for?
LOL I appreciate the mention regarding the dislikes but I stand by my statement....You're right people are allowed to not like your message...but you are being sincere and trying to help people so why the thumbs down?...bet if it were like facebook and the viewers could see who thumbed it down there wouldnt be as many...I appreciate the work you do and if miserable people dont notice it thats their problem!
We can only pick one!? 🤔😂
@@zzdipsetanazz you are so kind - I appreciate you and ALL of your amazing support.
@@stephie640 or 2 😉
@@juliakristinamah
Your words are much more helpful than most of us can express in words!
Much love from NH!!!!
2:35 1. Other peoples thoughts
3:10 2. Other peoples feelings
4:52 3. Guessing others needs
5:40 4. Meeting all of others needs
12:40 Making other people happy
14:27 Fixing other peoples problems
19:00 reading other people's minds
20:12 setting other peoples boundaries
Thank you so much!
Thank you! Able to skip the 2mins 34sec of blah blah blah
Thanks!!!
Just what I was looking for, thank you !!
Thankx..
One of the most underrated posts on TH-cam. They should teach this at school. They never will.
More important than a lot of stuff
When you grow up in a super unhealthy environment where your parents make you feel like everything is your fault/resposibility, the worst part is being in a HEALTHY partnership later in life and assuming they are also an abuser but they're not! Trust issues. Your advice is so healing.
This lady is an absolute angel
As are you!
yes she is
and she is so hot 😜
I should probably watch this one once a week
Me everyday
I'll recommend that, seen it several times now ☺️
Same
Yeah Right! 👍
Yeah its easy to forget about these basic things.
Some people take advantage and make us responsible for their problems. They hurt you and act like you hurt them.
Do you think someone can make you responsible for them?
@@juliakristinamah Yes, it maybe, if they are our parents. As children we are responsible to take care when they are old and enjoying their remaining years. It's hard to put up with some of the emotional outbursts and tantrums.
Yeong Hui LOH you are not truly responsible for them though.
In addition, most people are acting out of their own subconscious...fears/regrets.
Of anything I’ve learned, it helps to have healthy detachment. Most others behaviors aren’t about us, it’s about that person. We can’t be happy if we take things personally (taking things personally is a pretty egocentric stance anyways)
We can’t be healthy and apply meaning to what others are doing. It’s the meaning we apply to our thoughts or others actions...that creates SO much suffering.
As a medical professional, I dealt with people who had cognitive issues, dementias, strokes etc.. some healthcare providers would get more annoyed than others. I was patient and kind because of my beliefs of the situation. I knew the patients weren’t doing it to be annoying etc, they had their own things going on. IT WASN’T ABOUT ME.
I’d also like to challenge your belief system about HAVING to take care of your elders... that’s a pressure that’s external, forced on you. It’s cultural, familial, etc and comes with a risk of being ostracized. That’s like many religions and cliques etc.
Just because it is...doesn’t mean it’s right.
It is hard to take back one’s own power, but doable.
Have you brainstormed solutions too.. how can you work on yourself to maximize your self worth (without external validation) to be impervious to others opinions or behaviors. It’s one of the strongest places to be.
Can you share the “responsibility”..
Is there respite care?
Resentment builds the more you abandon yourself to be what others want you to be...
I wish you direction, healing and blessings 🌸
childhood conditioning from a toxic parent is a great example of this.
@@juliakristinamah At my father's deathbed when I was 12 y/o, and my sisters 9y/o and 6y/o the family passing by during wake repeated over and over 'now you girls have to look after your mother'. I remember exactly the moment it was instilled! We continued 'looking after our mother' which we interpreted as being responsible for her feelings and problems into my young adulthood. My sisters continue this behavior even today 40yrs later. I wouldn't say they are closer, they are more exhausted. I think young girls are conditioned like this sometimes and they don't even realize it? It just 'seemed like the right thing' once upon a time to 'care' so much. Now, I'm the 'uncaring' one when I consider my own feelings and needs too. 'Hurting you and acting like you hurt them' like she's saying is such a phenomena. It's a real mind bender.
Yes !!! Our thoughts create our emotions, we can't control someone else's thoughts, feelings and needs.
Amen sis!
@@juliakristinamah ♡♡♡
And for toxics, their emotions dictate their “logic”. Emotional thinkers and logical thinkers are two different species- find your own
Control FREAKS CAN ON SOME VERY WEAK LEVELS OF A PEOPLE PLEASER. TO NOTE.
I'm a card carrying people pleaser and empath. I need to hear this over and over until it sticks in my crazy subconscious mind. Thank you for posting. You are a great therapist.
"my responsibility is to be pure in my intentions" - these are powerful words; I said regarding myself just yesterday.
I think that hearing that I’m not responsible for meeting other people’s needs , reading their minds, trying to guess their needs was the thing that hit me the most. This video is a HUGE help to me! I keep rewatching it! Thanks!!!
People pleasers raise your hands.
Me: 🖐 🖐 🖐
This video is an eyeopener! Thank you Julia Kristina!
Ex people pleaser because I did 4 yrs of codependency course because people pleasing is unhealthy codependency it's allowing yourself to be a doormat go to pastor RC BLAKES JN on TH-cam video called how to become a Queen to attract your king and his video on how to become a king to attract your QUEEN... People pleasing days over forever. God bless you and your family and work love from Wendy Drummond from Adelaide South Australia
Hands raised.
if we all were people pleasers the world would be so fun. But there are those who think everyone else lives to please them and them alone. So lets not get down on people pleasers.
As a recovering people pleaser, I love your videos because they always shift my perspective!
Dr Julia; I am so grateful for finding ur channel. You are a ray of sunshine in the darkness.
I'm so glad you're here too! Will you help me spread the light by letting yours shine too?
My mother hold me responsibel for everything in her life. Even her happiness. I struggel with guilt so I love to hear you speak so clear! Thank you!!!!!!!!
Same here. Its painful.
Watching and rewatching this and trying to unlearn my unhealthy baggage. Thanks for all you do. I’m sooooooo grateful.
I have been guilty of taking responsibility for all of these. This is perfect timing for my current shift. Will help solidify it more. Thank you Julia
This is so enlightening. I've struggled with low self esteem my entire life, and I've always felt responsible for everyone and all these things. Thank you for uploading this 💗
“do not take responsibility something is not ur in control” thank u so much very good point and very clear.🌹🌹🌹
Lol this made me sad because walking on eggshells was all i did when i was growing up at home with my family. Literally ALL i did. And now how i see how unhealthy it all was
I hear that. Eggshells, that nervous pit in the stomach, always feeling we’re doing something “wrong”. It seems we often carry what we did to survive as children (to make sense of where we fit in our families, and the world) into our adult lives and those youthful survival strategies become self/other sabotage in adulthood. It’s not our fault, but it is our adult responsibility to own our well being. Not an easy journey, becoming ourselves...but worth the trip! It can be so hard not to confuse what feels familiar (familial) with love - and to avoid the pitfalls of adult relationships where we continue the familiar, unhealthy patterns...that’s where good support and self awareness and passionate bravery come in! We are here to become ourselves - it’s our right...and responsibility ;) Best to you....
@@irenemays6053 "We are here to become ourselves.." that really hit me deeply. Thanks:)
Alan Robarge and The Personal Development School (Thais Gibson)
have both been super transformative for my journey.
They address attachment styles developed due to childhood wounds. It has been revolutionary and empowering for me to see things differently.
Unfortunately all we know for a while, is adaptive tools to get along the best we can...at that time. They become deeply embedded in us, how we see ourselves and others, how we react. It takes work to look at the subconscious thoughts, beliefs, the false narratives and challenge them. We are influenced by society too.
I am so much more self aware and blanched...and still have a ways to go!!
I wish you healing and blessings🌸
Irene Mays yes!!! I love your comments :)
I’ve been discovering much of what you wrote.
It’s amazing we can change the narrative and become ourselves.
'we are respectful of other people but not responsible for their thoughts or feelings'. wow. this just cleared it for me. Thank you.
I am glad you said @12:20 being pure about showing up...the work I do on myself, to sum up, I test the purity of my motives....thank you. I believe this is a healthy validation...sometimes things get hard and it is easy to trick myself into thinking I should have done more...we just are what we are...
Hi Mrs. Kristina. I love your videos and your wisdom that you teach. Thank you. I have a four year old daughter, who I believe, is teaching me to set better boundaries, especially when she’s asking for various stuff. I am going to apply the “mindful” packing responsibility” because I often take on the toys she packs and cannot carry on her own while I already have full hands, literally. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
“Those boundaries... they’re gunna get ya.” 😂 Love this whole video! Thank you so much!!
If, for some reason, the rhythm doesn't, a lack of healthy boundaries will get you! ;-)
Other peoples thoughts & feelings - Meeting others needs - Making other people happy - Setting other peoples boundaries - Taking on peoples problems. Actually if i am honest all of the above to a degree. Love this thank you
Dear Julia Christina , even to this day your video has an impact, I've recently had weeks of what I can only describe as incredibly stressful, people expecting me to fix their problems and holding me accountable and trying to get me involved in their dispute with another. It would be really good if they saw your video also so that they understand the message . I don't mind supporting people and giving advice when asked for , even this is my choice, thankyou very much for these videos.
i just wanna say thank you to her for caring enough about people to help us get better
I’m responsible for my needs and my kids’ needs. That’s it. The rest is conditional: if and when I can get to it.
Of course it is important to set boundaries and to see what we can and can't control. But I always have the feeling that BECAUSE we can't know what someone is thinking, needing or feeling and BECAUSE those things are so individual, and BECAUSE we as a society are not trained to necessarily be empathic, it is very important to learn to check in with people. And I do feel it IS absolutely our responsibility to not assume things and just do whatever we think is best to do and put the responsibility on the other person to tell us if that doesn't work for them. For example, I don't just assume, that it is ok for my friend with anxiety to go to a crowded place with me, just because it would be ok for me. And I want to share the responsibility with them. I want them to feel cared for by me checking in with them and on the other hand hope they will tell me. Just like I expect from the people around me, that they check in with me about what I want and need and not just roll through their life like a bulldozer.
You have talked about it before so I'm happy you brought this up again. I'm always wanting to help my friends and family with the information I learn hear and the self help books I've been reading. Fro the people I think it would benefit the most I get a lot of resistance. I'm going to try and step back and tell myself it's not my responsibility. I can only be responsible for myself. Thanks again!
Great video. Thanks for all you give.
Just today my friend/caregiver (surgery a few months ago) told me he cannot be friends with me anymore. I felt relief. This person isn’t a bad person, but he very much lacks taking responsibility for his own actions. ‘ I missed my interview because I was doing this for you.’
It got old fast and I let him know that he is NOT to let ANYTHING pertaining to ME get in the way of HIS responsibilities.
I wish him well. He has been raised with gaslighting. I’m breathing fresh air to not have to be his excuse for all the issues that he harbors. Especially being made to feel bad about myself because he missed this or that on my account.
Thanks Julia Kristina, you’re alright! . 👍✅
I’ve been dealing with many issues due to explaining these things to ppl, especially in relationships or pursuits of possible relationships. I explained it the same way she did and each time they shut down, I’m starting to notice there’s only two mindsets in this world. Many ppl are constantly making decisions off of their emotions and then there’s US, we’re seen as narcissistic which is not bad btw. We are more logical and deeper in thought rather than emotions.
Hi Julia! I wasn’t sure that this was a problem with my relationship until I watched this video. I’m such a people pleaser for fear that they won’t like me. All of the things you listed is what I’m guilty of doing, ugh. But through your BPC program I realize I need to like myself and it’s becoming more and more apparent the more I watch your videos. I thank you for that knowledge. Every video I watch I take away a lesson, now I just need to apply it to me. You’re my hero, looking forward to your next video. 🙏🏽💙
Jaimee - YOU are amazing just as you are - and I love that you're starting to realize it. On your side ALWAYS!
Your videos have blown my mind and has helped me a lot in my life and also I have helped others with the knowledge you have given. You are amazing!
Hi Julia I just found your channel and you have no idea how glad I am I did, I have only listened to a few of your tapes, but already feeling more empower, thank you .
So true... great video. I've wasted many years trying to solve family members problems to my families detriment... something i still have to stop and think before acting.
This video is so long and probably has so much good info, thanks for the hardwork
Thanks for being here and for watching.
The thing about setting others boundaries... That is a point I didn't even know...that it was upto them to communicate it to me. Was trying to be a better reader of the other person's mind, emotions etc. Wow.
Thank you so much.
I will be replaying this video for awhile-it truly was everything I needed to hear, at the perfect time. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and advice!💜💜💜
Really grateful it connected Janet. Thanks for being here.
I love my mom, I try to do the best at everything to please her and making her happy. Sometimes she appreciates it, sometimes she doesn’t and sometimes she blaming me for not doing it right. This makes me struggle a lot since I never once ask myself what makes me happy. What do I want. All I think is about her need’s
I found your channel 2 days ago and I believe that i’ve already binge watch many many of your videos. Thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge. I’m learning things like i’ve never heard before. Merci!
This video was a game changer for me. For two weeks I listened to a friend. She had some difficulties in these area’s. So I remembered this video. Looked it up in my history, sent it to her. And watched it again myself ❤️
I got ( what I call ) off track? Stopped working out and feeling that self love I need So! Much! Started focusing on helping everyone ( teens/ husband, nephews/ my mother 🙄) 😫? And got Super resentful and insecure 😞 because I thought they should show me Super amounts of gratitude I rightfully deserved 😡😖? I appreciate this video so much! Always can count on your advice 🤗👏👏!! Thank you Julia 🌈🦋💞❤️
Thank you Julia for the reminder. I have been ruminating for over a month on this very question of responsibility in relationships. My marriage counselor keeps trying to tell me I am responsible for my wife's abusive reactions. That just did not seem right to me. I'm having a lot of trouble understanding why I would not only be liable and accountable for her hurt feelings over something so minuscule that I said that got twisted around within her to make her feel her own hurt when that was in no way my malicious intent. But when I try to tell her I'm only responsible / liable / accountable for my honest pure and genuine intent she comes at me with female excuses justifying the wife's abuse towards me and the kids as all my fault because I'm not taking my responsibilities.
Counsellors often don't understand narcissistic abuse. You might want to research narcissism as it sounds a bit like what you're experiencing. Tricky to deal with and best to set boundaries and go no contact if you can. I wish you luck. 🍀💞
I appreciate you SO much. People pleaser here as the middle child of 8 kids.
This was a topic that I was in dire need of. My anxiety has been like an iceberg underneath the surface it was huge and obvious and I didn't even see the tip of it because so much more obvious anxiety had just fallen away I thought I was doing so much better. finally realizing that this anxiety revolved around responsibility and guilt I came across this video - oh my God! thank you thank you thank you!
That’s why some people commit suicide after being cyber bullied, it’s a tough situation but it makes me think that they were living out of people’s opinions of themselves.
I definitely think resilience and building a healthy sense of self needs to be taught in schools.
@@juliakristinamah I can't remember where I heard this quote "you are not your thoughts" but it really resonates, what are your thoughts on it?
@@juliakristinamah But it wasn't. I am talking about being a child in the '50s and '60s. There was nothing about setting "boundaries" or most of the other principles you talk about in these videos. But they did their best to get me to be be a conformist, to be "good" and "nice" all the time to people at my own expense, and to require me to take courses that bored the crap out of me and still have no practical application to my actual life as an adult. (How about "money management 101" instead of algebra?; how about "Emotional Health and Self Esteem 101" instead of geometry or chemistry?) And children were not taught at all how to deal with bullies in school! It has taken me years to realize that my response to the emotional abuse I endured as a kid was to try and please others, try and be "perfect: and to to be "nice" to others rather than set my own boundaries. I can't change the past; it is what it is, but I wish I'd known this stuff years ago, would've spared me a lot of self-regret and self-bashing for not standing up for myself better. Having been told (by a provisional mother who I can now see was quite unhappy with even having children) that I was the "black sheep" of the family and "born backwards and been backwards ever since" due to being a breech birth I am more than ready to "let it go"...I'm just glad I did not become a full fledged alcoholic or drug addict as I grew up with crappy self-esteem, fending off depression and social anxiety, and had to forge my own self-identity and try to ignore the negativity of my childhood and adolescence. These videos? Keep em coming. Better to learn this stuff later in life than never.
Julia Kristina Counselling it should be taught at home but sadly isn’t always.
@@DESTRAKON I agree 100% and have said that in other videos. You are not your thoughts, you are the thinker of your thoughts. And you are not your emotions, you are the experiencer of your emotions.
Pretty sure I just got one of the biggest epiphanies of my life from this video. I was raised by narcissists in a religious culture and then served in the military where compassion and consent was never real. I just learned, others are not beholden to me **and have a choice whether or not to engage/help/participate, regardless of their responsibilities**. The lack of that concept in my life has been the source of intense frustration and anger and and confusion and constant conflict on a daily basis for my entire existence. I always longed so dearly to offer a compassionate interaction to others but couldn’t understand where I was missing the mark in my expectations. Wow! This changes EVERYTHING. The major source of anger and inability to communicate is now gone! My heart is bursting with hope! Thank you Julia Kristina for creating this content to help make lives better. You just achieved that goal in a MASSIVE way for me!
Melanie W this is awesome!!!!
I was raised by rather strict religious parents, where emotional connection was almost nonexistent, expression of feelings not encouraged and I learned to people please and be a chameleon to feel safe.
I’m just now learning who I am, what I really want...& I’m in my 40’s 😲
Along the way, I def rebelled against those concepts and did my own thing...but coming authentically into myself is happening in a much more deep way now.
Transformative for me has been channels like this...and Eckhart Tollé, the book ‘Codependent no more’ by Melodie Beattie, TH-cam channels Alan Robarge and The Personal Development School (Thais Gibson)
They’ve helped me learn things like what my attachment style is, how to address the issues of it.. I’m a fearful avoidant. I’ve been working on healthy detachment, not being stuck on expected outcomes..but more accepting of what is.
I’ve often been an over giver and bending backwards to meeting people’s needs..ultimately was trying to convince others I was good enough (due to my subconscious belief that I wasn’t).
Instead, I’m connecting to myself now, challenging my false narratives about myself, others relationships etc. It’s been incredible. I feel more empowered.
I’m checking in more often to see if what I’m doing is inline with what matters to me...I used to abandon myself in order to please others. I’d have profound cognitive dissonance as a result and that further increased issues 😬
It’s so beautiful when others have these epiphanies too!
I wish you healing, light, empowerment and blessings 🌸
These all resonate with me. No matter how much work I do on myself, I'm always a work in progress 💜
TRYING TO CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S CHOICES!!! THANK YOU FOR ADDRESSING THIS ONE!!!! I AM ALWAYS INVOLVING MYSELF SOMEHOW WITH THIS.
Thank you Julia your a gift from heaven. I struggle each day worring and fearing about other people opinions. This video is so useful thank you so much. When ever I feel down I watch this video and it gives me so much inspiration and motivation. Thank you
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! My partner has BPD & it’s a very real struggle 9 years into it. He left the room at 6:23. That’s a start.
Thank you Julia. For me, this gets to the heart of the matter, and was a valuable adjunct to my therapy and my recent foray into ACA. As a result, I've subscribed, and look forward to referencing your obviously valuable insights. Kind of like a "pocket therapist". Thanks for helping those of us who are struggling due to a false perception of ourselves. It sure is tough to overcome!
I definitely needed to hear this. You always seem to know exactly what I need to hear. Thank you!
Love that we're on the same wavelength Jaime.
Is very hard having a twin brother. Come to the point where he made a lot of bad decisions and I'm felt like it was my duty to help him out. Which it had gotten me nowhere. And I've come to notice being around my mom it was expectations and people-pleasing😩. Thx for your insight in helping people like me😌
Thank you for this video! I've noticed lately how much I feel like I need to manage other people's emotions (spouse, kids) and I needed to hear that I'm not responsible for that. Any more content along these lines would be amazing too!
I appreciate your videos, it gives me clarity and strength. Thank you kindly for your time and knowledge Julia.
12:40 making other people happy?
There is no such thing as a happy narcissist.
20 years of marriage have tought that to me.
For the firs time in 65 years i understand boundaries. Thank You Julia Kristina for sharing what you know so we can help others.
This advice is absolutely perfect! Everyone should hear it!
Great point about taking responsibility for THEIR boundaries, not to mention their thoughts, whatever they may be or not be.
Thank you Julia I admire you so much. You help me a lot with the issues that I struggle with. This video is the best and I watch it onces a week
Thanks a lot for the video ! I have been trying to control what other people think about me and this has been killing me for a while ....
Thank you very much for this. I have been exercising my no muscle lately! It is getting easier😊
You are much more clearer in explaining than others... RESPECT
I used to be a big people pleaser, most of my life in fact. I used to always try to get people to like me, think good things about me. I would worry if people thought poorly of me. In my most recent relationship, I would always try to get the approval of my exes family. But after the breakup, I got sucked into a deep depressive state. I worried that "oh great, all that time I spent trying to get them to like me is all for nothing." But I am actually grateful that it happened. It was actually that depression that helped me get out of that state of mind. And I've definitely seen an improvement in all of my other relationships as well as the relationship with myself. I occasionally do get sucked back into that mindset, but I take a few moments to ask myself "Does it really matter what they think of you?" Which the answer is "No, it doesn't".
I really do enjoy watching your videos, definitely are helpful. Keep up the good work ^_^
Julia Kristina, you are helping me so much with your videos and this is no exception ❤️
This is so helpful and hit hard with me because i tend to people please! Thank you so much for sharing and educating this ❤❤
The phrase “You make me feel...” is widely used. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for your advices.
It s helpfull,everytime I have a problem I search on your videos and try to apply these advices in real life.
So glad to hear they're making a difference.
My elderly mother who has been diagnosed with NPD expects me to be responsible for everything, emotionally etc. nothing is ever enough and she is toxic and miserable and takes no responsibility. We are now estranged because it became so stressful and exhausting. And yes I do see an awesome counselor. Thank you @Julia Kristina Counseling
I'm in a bad situation with my family i live with. Your videos are helping so much.
You are doing great good with these videos Julia! Keep them coming😀. I appreciate all the effort you put into them. I would suggest that you do a video on guilt as that might help alot of people who might messed up in their past, but do not to keep stuck in it.
Yes, I'd like video on guilt, too.
Hey julia...from INDIA todays content helped me tremendously...as an indian kid i had immense pressure on getting approval from parents and peers...it is such a difficult phase but this hepled me on the process of understanding that iam not responsible for many things i thought i was. Thank you
Soo true
Other people's thoughts opinions and feelings these were the things I took responsibility for that made me stress angry and anxious for long time.thank you so much you opened my eyes and mind
A thousand thank-yous to you! Words cannot express how grateful I am for your knowledge, compassion, and wisdom!
Every sentence gives invaluable advice. Thank you Julia.
I would like to have friends like you - I enjoy listening to everything you have to say, my PTSD therapist has made a lot of similar points, all encouraging for self love and motivation. I find your advice truely resonating and I would just like to say thank you 🙏🏻✨
Hate to admit it but they all hit me. I’m trying to be better. Thank you. You are helping me alot.
Don't worry Cherry - we are in this together and all on a journey of healing and growth.
I have never related to another video more than this one. You are amazing and already helping me break chains two videos in.
You are absolutely amazing. I can't please everyone & I'm not going to try to. We can't control people thoughts or feelings.
Jotting this info into my journal. Very relevant. Typing this notes up and taping it up at my desk at work... So when people get confused, refer to the notes
I try to follow my heart and true intentions and sometimes is almost impossible for me to not attempt to do something, I don't expect anything and I am aware that I can't change anyone, I do carefully consider what I'm going to say or do because I like to think that maybe a little bit of my love and happiness can rub off onto others, I am not attempting to be a hero but is almost like a duty for me to try anyway, I'm not affected by the outcome but as a human being I can not just sit back and not even try a bit. For example I know I can not make my mom
Happy but if walking in the rain and getting wet together makes her smile I am going to do it. Your videos are a treasure my eternal gratitude
Wow. My mother found a way to punish me for not doing all of those things listed. I am going to need to rewatch this and really take the time to process it. I feel that this is a great summary to help me through my therapy.
Opened my youtube for the first time after a while and missed many great videos will watch and learn after this one thanks for the great topics
Really glad it connected.
I love this video! In regards to choices.... When they directly affect you...thats hard. Giving your spouse input, but they still choose something that will probably not go well... Just let the cards fall where they may?
As a believer, I then pray that God will inspire them since they are not receiving my loving input.
Its hard when you can see something so coearly but they cant because its something hard for them to face.
Love what your doing, keep up all the excellent works...
A good personal guide. All the points are relevant. An eye opener. 🎉
Excellent videos. I don’t get tire of listening
Hello this is Jonathan thank you so much for the awesome info today.
There’s several things you touched on that helped me realize a lot of things that happens between me and my brother.
Thank you so much . I’ve been enjoying your videos so much .
I hope you know that you are a really really awesome person ok
I can't make them happy. No matter what you do, you can't make someone else life
Thanks again Julia I have been a people pleaser. Never done me any good. You make so much sense. I try to keep my dentist happy that must be allowed. Keeping your parents happy? Not easy.
Glad this connected Barbara.
Thank you so much for your videos , you're helping me through dark times
Thank you so so much.
Always, friend.
Thank you Julia. .you are a badass warrioress goddess of truth..a breathe of fresh air!...I had to totally disconnect from my dysfunctional family and move countries to heal from their insanity..I took on all the resposibilities of trying to make them happy from being a small child...big mistake...cluster B..not possible...hard lesson well learmed...much love & blessings to you. .💖
This lady is absalutly intelligent, thank you for your wonderful video
"Why do we need, for people to think good things about us?"
We have primal fear of beeing excluded from our family/tribe, beeing excluded was a death sentence. Therefor we still are very keen on keeping good relations with the people we feel a belonging to.
Our DIGNITY!🔑
Agreed, people who don’t “need” someone to think “good” things about us aren’t in a vulnerable position and/or are totally delusional.
Thats a theory tho, NOT a fact ... Makes sense tho!
You are changing my personality ❤️
I wish... There was a love emoji on youtube... This is awesome
Thank you so much Julia. I would never be able to afford this help.