Right. I felt I couldn't focus on my education since my home was a train wreck. I worked to have a place to live, but truly it was mainly to hide and heal. I appreciated the silence, the cleanliness, the smell of my house. But it became somewhat of a cage after a few years (COVID didn't help with that lol). I have been in all types of weird relationships, was over sexualizing myself, struggled with self worth, and so on. Now, I have to battle my immense fear of failure, rejection and abandonment if I want to be a good parent. Wich is weird, since I personally don't have the lowest of self esteems. But the freeze and self isolation are things I yet have to manage. I wish to anyone reading this to understand, like REALLY understand it was not your fault, but they are not gonna improve. Leave them, leave them behind. Heal, run, fight if needed. Get them out of your system. It can be done, you can do this. Things will get better. Take care of yourself, be your own parent. People will show up along the way sooner or later. Much love to everyone ❤
Very true. I’m surrounded by narc. Brothers who turned same as my narc dad & step dad!!! I don’t make enough to move out and have been set back significantly financially. My biggest dream is to move away from the toxicity!!
Having a narcissistic father is like feeling never good enough. Even when u think you're in good terms there's always something wrong at the end. Seeking for their approval and getting complains on their part. Even when dating, i seek for that validation i didn't get in my childhood with him as a man and father. So draining tbh.
Yeah. I'm a 31 year old man and the feeling of not being good enough still weighs heavily on me. My father would try to 'encourage' me to follow my own passion. But he would get mad whenever I do something that he didn't think was 'the right way'. He would also accuse me of having a 'bad attitude' whenever I didn't agree with him.
You explain my situation so well… I told my parents I was gonna marry my long standing boyfriend of ten years and that we didn’t want a wedding, just a private thing between us. They nodded and there wasn’t any disapproval. Then months after I married him, my sister sends me a long message telling me how disappointed my dad was, that I gave myself away, that I didn’t give him the wedding he deserve cause he wanted to walk me down the aisle. The message came out of no where and so sudden. I realized then how my dad constantly criticized me ever since from childhood. I never felt good enough. Even to this day if he’s not telling it to me directly, he complains to my siblings and turn them against me. I’m really tired…
As the older, retired daughter of a narc father, I finally realized the worst thing he did to me. A father should give his daughter a sense of her own AGENCY in the world, or as you say, SELF ADVOCACY. However, I spent my life trying to "do the right thing" instead of doing what I was inherently good at. I now know I was trying to prove myself in all the wrong ways. It's not too late, but anger is still a big issue for me. Thanks so much for your video.
I'm a 38 year-old man who is now discovering this exact same thing. Entire life spent feeling bad if I was not doing this magical "right thing" that would satisfy my dad's hidden desires. And he did hide them! He often sometimes "test" me by letting me know I could make my own decision as if he was being a good dad by letting me choose, but in one extremely important instance he admitted he had a "right" decision in his head that he wanted me to pick. The anxiety it caused and still causes sometimes is so deep because it removed my ability to trust my gut or desires at all.
Thankyou for writing this 😢 I can't thankyou enough, I was going through something bad right now 😭 I would like to connect with you if it is possible in anyway.
I needed this comment. Thank you. I’ve been trying to figure out if my father’s just extremely codependent with my narcissistic mother or if he had narc tendencies.
My Dad is so verbally abusive and can never take the slightest bit of criticism or even a differing opinion. It's quite fascinating to witness. The damage to me is incalculable and constant.
Control. You are not allowed your own opinion. As for criticism a narcissist is overly sensitive to anything that seems a threat to their perfect image. They will ALWAYS react negatively and claim victimization.
My dad and I just got into a huge argument earlier tonight over my mom warning him of a curb. He flipped out and said not to talk to him about his driving. It triggered me and I was like HOW are you turning a legit concern and forewarning from your wife into an attack on your driving??? WHY ARE YOU GETTING DEFENSIVE ??? Like he turns everything into him being a victim and saying he’s being attacked and needs to be on the defense. It’s soooo annoying. He picks apart everything everyone else does, but no one can say anything to him about anything he does. It’s exhausting. I’m so fucking sick of it dude. Sick of him acting like a man child. He is 65 yet acts like a 5 yr old boy throwing a tantrum.
This is so correct, it sounded like you knew my parents personally. My father whined continuously to me as a child, about being abandoned by my mother, while shamelessly abandoning me at the exact same time.
I dealt with the same. I was basically my father's therapist starting at like age 7. I just recently cut him off and realized I'm not responsible for him. You did not deserve any of that.
42 and just realizing where all of my attachment issues stemmed from, married a narcissist that messed my eleest son up to the point he's got the exact same tendancies. I get retriggered by my father and my husband all over again. But it stops now. I choose myself and my kids.
I have started a new tradition for Mothers Day, I now take myself out for brunch/whatever because I raised myself in a vicious family that my mother sicced on me, a child. I don't necessarily go to the Mothers Day events, but I buy myself flowers, a gift and a great meal.
I wish my 14 year old granddaughter would listen to this and hear the truth you speak. She was removed from the father's narcissistic home ( with narcissistic stepmother )and placed in her narcissistic mother's home. Grandfather John Sad in Pennsylvania
Im so sorry youre feeling this pain for her John. Just be there for her when you can. I was 14 when I went from living with my sick mother to my narc dad and step mom.. it did mess me up for a long time BUT I always remembered the people that were really there for me. That stuck through all the bad. I'm 28 now, and have come full circle with my healing. I can look at my parents and I dont blame them anymore. Because of the people that showed me how to care.
I love the fact that your explanations are compassionate and informative. You described my father perfectly. They really don't change, they just get more demanding and controlling and invasive and I was getting so sick that I had to go no contact. It really is a tragedy having a parent who is like this. It's a lifelong sentence.
Its crazy to think that if they both died in a plane crash when I was 9 and id have to be a ward of the state , that I'd probably end up wayyyyyyyyyyy better off
Went no contact with my father 2 weeks ago, he handled it very poorly and started sending the most abusive texts imaginable. In just 2 days I've found all these videos who describe his behavior in detail, it's such a release to know that you're not crazy. Almost as if I look forward to the uncertain future without being emotionally crippled by him.
I admire people who are able to do this. I'm in my late 30's and still haven't found the courage to go no contact. I have an irrational fear of letting my father down, even though I can't do anything right for him anyway.
We're the same age, for me it reached a point where it just clicked that the cycle had continued for too long and he crossed every concievable line of decency in what he said/wrote to me. I realized that the argument in itself didn't matter, he had behaved like this countless times to both me and my younger brother, who went no contact a few years ago. This time he was in a weakened state because of a rough period, so he just went all in on gaslighting me and lying incessantly about things I had never said. I noticed that he used every single thing he could come up with to trigger a response and to make me grovel at his feet. At that point I realized that there's no hope, had been through that cycle so many times in my life and it has crushed my self esteem. You should know that it was unthinkable to me to ever go no contact just days prior to this happening (was in october). I didn't know anything detailed about narcissism prior to it, it was just a light bulb going up and I thought "I'm not doing this, won't talk to him for the forseeable future". Once I found out about narcissism, forseeable future changed to "never again if I can help it". I wish I would have done this years ago now. You're not alone and you're not weak for not wanting to cut contact with a parent. But I would suggest that you register every time he mistreats you and think about these videos. Awareness of what they are is truly something that makes you lose interest in them quickly.@@bcs0812
1: Understand and accept what narcisstic abuse is (that's qhat happened to me and it wasn't ok, but it is what it is and this is where I have to go) 2: Asses your own trauma (relational dynamics, around grades, passions, what was their rage like,...) 3: Asses your inner child wounds (parts that didn't get to develop, mature, are scared,...) 4: Understand where those need to be reloved / reparented 5: Identify your attachment pattern (how do you chose partners, what are you trying to heal, where do you get tripped up in relationships, where are your strengths) 6: Explore your own caregiver behaviours that you have (what do you to please or compulsive caregiver (is it help- / harmful) 7: Understand the depth of narcissism in adults and kids (ie exessive praise isn't good either, so number one but not just the abuse - the whole thing) 8: Common dynamics in kids (genetics, relational trauma; insensitive, abandoning, neglectful to overly involved, exessive praising, pampering parenting, exessive criticism, control, coldness, lack of emphaty, lack of real validation - riskfactor for narcissistic parenting when adult) 9: Work with the grief that comes up, the shame of maybe having repeated stuff 10: Look at things around toxic shame, compulsive caregiving, isolation, desparation (love me please), boundary issues, conflict and self advocacy skills, role reverse (narcissistic parents often like kids - immature), your own anger (in your own home back then, now) 11: Understand often cptsd for people 12: mapp your own body, understand your own fight flight freeze, do to responses of body, learn how to regulate, calm your body 13: list at 18:30 maybe few seconds later 14: build mission statements (book was mentioned - i think pete walker - from surviving to thriving) English is not my first language, but I hope my writing skills are good enough for the list to make sense :)
I taught high school English for thirty years, and didn't know English is a second language for you until your last sentence. You summary is excellent, and thank you so much for it.
My father is an alcoholic whose abuse was (I am no contact now) very much controlled, even when he was drunk, which was every night. His hate languages were criticism, ridicule, and contempt. He hated his family and himself, but presented as an altruist at his job, leading people in the community to unknowingly gaslight me with statements like, "You're so lucky to have him as a father." and "I want to be your dad when I grow up." My head was very messed up. It took five decades for me to first learn about narcissism, and by then I had spent half that time trying to be happy whilst married to a malignant narcissist quite like my father. I need your content. Thank you, Dr. Sage.
Thank you. It’s my 19th birthday and I helped my dad after he spun out into a ditch . The entire time he belittled me and made me feel small. I spent a lot of time in therapy so I can recognize a narcissist when I see one. This bud was a refresher corse for me. I can’t walk away completely yet. But this is a start . So truly thank you 🥰🥰
Hang in there. It's good to get started early. Psychology, thanks to the internet, is finally giving some of us validation and words for what we knew has been torturing us since childhood. I'm pushing 60 trying to do the same thing you are now and thanks to the internet finally making some progress, I think.
If he's bad enough, then once you're able to walk away completely, stay gone and don't look back, no matter the circumstances if you can help it. Nineteen is quite young to already realize how toxic a narcissistic parent can be. I have two of them and it took me a lot longer than 19 years to realize that it would be best to walk away completely. So you're ahead of the game compared with most others who have been in or are still in your shoes. As the years go by, you may realize that it's done more damage to you than you might realize at this point. I don't know you or what you've been through but I'm pushing fifty and I'm still finding out about the wounds that were inflicted upon me and how it has effected other facets of my life. Either way, I'm rooting on you. Good luck to you. May you have the peaceful and rewarding life that you deserve.
My sperm donor would mess with me and tease me all the time and when he would get the reaction he wanted (me being upset) he would laugh and say "you're so easy" everything was a "joke" and so when I would get really mad about it he would get mad because I was mad. If anyone made jokes at his expense it didn't matter if it was "just a joke" THEN it's not funny
Oh you are not alone with that, my father loves to make awful backhanded "jokes" and when I don't like what he says he like "oh where's your sense of humor?" or "I was just kidding" sure you were dad... sure you were...
@@fairplayer7435 She may be referring to her biological father as nothing more than a sperm donor to her mother. I have friends who refer to disastrous male parents in that fashion.
I am 32, and only just now beginning to put the broken pieces of myself back together. Videos like yours help make me feel like I am a person who is worthy of love again. The path to healing can sometimes feel just as painful as the original journey through the trauma, but I am beginning to understand that the pain of healing/understanding leads to the life that I have been seeking the entire time. The light at the end of the tunnel- empathy, compassion, love, fulfillment, and meaningful intimacy. Freedom from resentment. Freedom from self loathing. Freedom from the shackles of never being able to choose forgiveness because it's buried too deeply under the pain. Thank you so much for what you do.
I'm just about the same age and what you said about the healing journey almost being worse is spot on. I've been putting myself back together for a while too and finally realizing the depth of what happened and what you lost can be staggering! Wishing you the best~
This is the first time in my life as a 56 year old man that I felt like someone communicated with me like a calm loving adult regarding this subject matter . Thank you 🙏🏻
Both parents were narcissistic. I was an only child that ended up with my dad because I did not go along with mom's behavior and affair. My dad tried but...he died from cancer in my arms 10 years ago and still no mom around to care. I'm an empath that ended up in addiction which embarrassed them. I'm working thru this and I thank you I think your terrific
Thank you so much! I love that you are in it from a point of empathy and I can really feel that. I’m almost 30 and spent my whole 20s in a spiral of self-destruction and self-hate because of molding myself around a father with pretty textbook grandiose narcissism. Trying to learn how to re-parent myself now and live a happier life, this helps so much. Thank you 🙏
My Dad thinks that everything should be done his way. Every time I want something done my way, I’m being named arrogant or selfish or that I escalate confrontation on purpose. Even if I try to do things his way, that’s never enough. And/or I could’ve done it better. Buying my car for my own money was a nightmare. “Wanna buy import? You gonna regret it when repair” or “Why do you want a sports car? Are you a child?” or “Don’t buy a used one. You’ll embarrass our family.” I ended up doing the way he wants. He doesn’t admit, that he influenced my choice.
I watched this to get confirmation. And I felt you were literally telling me about my childhood. He checks all the boxes, and I'll add 1 more; Military. I can't stress this enough; do NOT date or marry military personnel that do not have current and constant mental health help. It WILL be 9.9x out of 10, painfully toxic. The military do not help to build emotionally aware and intelligent people, they do not help to build families. I'm in my late 30's now, I've spent a large portion of my life chasing my father and wishing so badly to have a real dad. I was a tomboy, I did EVERYTHING I could to get his attention, love and approval. Never got it. So now, I'm taking care of myself, reparenting myself, and truly mourning the death of this ideal I carried around for so long. If you are a teen, and you're fighting tooth and nail for a parent's attention, and wondering whats wrong with you; Nothing is wrong. Focus on you, be selfish. Because if you have a parent like this, they dont care about you, so you need to care about you
I was the scapegoat to a narcissistic father. I raised my son and he became an narcissistic person because I pampered him and enabled him and gave him everything I never had
I am 53 yrs old and still trying to heal from my dads narc abuse and X husband narcissist and what he is doing to them. I cant stand being the way I am and really want to heal and change. I am in fear and anxiety all the time. Please pray for me and my 3 young adult children
For a good 35 years (im 40 now) I couldn’t understand why i felt the way i did about my father. Its all starting to make sense. I forget at times (often) but my father fits the description of a narcissist to a T. Hes a good guy at heart but his behaviors towards me are toxic as fuck.
I was glad when my father died because he could not hurt me anymore. My father did weird things that really scared me to the core - animal fear. i had many nightmares about him and did not feel safe being alone with him.
This was my life. I never felt good enough. I was too skinny, too fat, to big for my boots, I was criticised, ridiculed and belittled. Thank goodness for my mother. I knew she loved me and always tried to defend me but the damage had been done. Relationships were hard for me because I was constantly looking for what he never provided. I am learning though. Its a slow journey but I think I am getting there. Thank you for the video.
Thank you! This is a hard realization at age 59. 😢 I have already raised four children, and instead of trying to raise them with what I didn’t have, I did the over parenting thing because I thought that’s what they needed. That’s all I ever knew. I am at least very thankful to say that they have all turned out very successful and independent. I sit here with my life though feeling like I feel that everything I ever did and where do I go now and what do I do, my dad is still belittling me to this day to this day. He was a very successful man, and I have never ever been able to be enough or successful enough in any way. All this realization that I’ve been going through in therapy and EMDR and learning skills has become extremely overwhelming. Thank you for what you’re doing to help those of us who’ve been through this. 🙏❤️🙂
This hit me dead center of my being. Thank you!! I'm trying to reconcile the father i grew up with, the father I grew to admire, the father who helped me through my mom's death, with the father who has regressed back to the father that is verbally abusive, patronizing, critical, self-centered, but is dying. It's so hard for me to feel love for him right now as I have been thrust back into that little girl that didn't have a dad who attended her soccer games because he didn't like soccer (he wanted me to be a golfer), that father that never helped me with homework, the one that that didn't come to my rescue when my alcoholic mother's degenerate boyfriend threw a beer at her forehead, the one that left me waiting to be picked up. I am in therapy but it's not enough. I have made all the wrong choices with men because of my narc dad and my need to please and put up with being someone's good time girl and "dirty secret." Thank you Dr. Sage for these words, I am now more equipped to discuss all this with my therapist.
I'd argue your content is the best out there on the topic...dr ramani is close, but I feel she has a financial purpose, where you are truly trying to help people...don't stop, please!
This is the first video I’ve seen by Dr. Sage … I have been following Dr. Ramani for quite some time and your assessment that she is extremely good is right on… However, your comment about her being more financially focused is not a fair comparison. Many of these doctors have sacrificed running a private practice in lieu of reaching many more people through their work on TH-cam, videos courses they offer, and books that they write. I see that doctor Sage also offers online courses for helping paying clients. I think they both deserve appreciation for the help that thousands of people receive as free information and advice on TH-cam.
@jessethompson9976 Dr Ramani is very expansive to be honest. And you don't have to pay to watch her on TH-cam. They're both great clinical psychologists aiming to bring awareness about this said disorder. No need to bring down one to praise another - their general purpose is the same.
You described my ex-husband to a tee! I believe he is the cause of our child's depression. I know he was to mine. But he is "perfect" and never does anything "wrong".
Oh my, you just described my father perfectly. It was only when my father died at 95 did I realise I was never going to be good enough. It has blighted my entire adult life has left me socially inept and lacking confidence. Sadly I got married to a narcissist because I learnt to please people to keep the peace. It was an awful marriage that eventually I got out of it. I'm 72 now and finally finding my own path in life and I am free. It was so good to hear all you had to say.
That "What happens to us" overview.. i scored all of them, high five🖐🥴 Thank you from the deepest corners of my inner kiddo. These were the most poignant and caring words i have came across while on my crusade of devouring education on narcissism (my whole life i always easily saw through people, but somehow just could not see the forest for the crooked trees [i.e. incoherent behavioral patterns] when it came to my.. well.. originators. ~3 years ago it clicked and suddenly all the weird angular pieces fell into place making a perfectly clear cohesive narrative. Still trying to understand. Still can't get over it.)
was having a day deep in thoughts at work and came across your video. thank you for posting, i still struggle with coming to terms with my childhood trauma simply because i’m used to blaming myself. your words helped me and it is very reassuring to hear that not only was it not my fault then but not my burden to carry as an adult now. thank you for posting, you helped me a great deal.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and my Mother was co dependent. I can't put into words here al the crap that I went through but learning more about Narcissim that I'm looking at my Father as probably being one. There are traits there that I am seeing in how he was with me and my siblings growing up. I find your videos helpful and glad I found your channel.
Disabled children are sadly very easy targets. They won't stop, until they've crushed your spirit, because they know you can't escape. It's devastating. My mother had a narcissistic father, too. She is a covert narcissist, who hides behind my father.
Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I enjoy watching your videos. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am Empath . I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children. I always been the black sheep in the family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope God is Love. I been a Christian for over ten years. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I walk away from Narcissists. I stay calm and quiet. It's not worth it to say anything to them since they don't get it at all. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists are liars. Narcissists are broken people Narcissists never loved us at all Narcissists dont care about you at all Narcissists don't know how to love at all Narcissists always act like they are the victim. Narcissists are insecure people Narcissists are pure evil souls from the Devil Narcissists are fake and phony people
Thank you so much for this video. This hit home 110% for me. My mom and I had a heart to heart 2 hour conversation about my father and childhood today. I’m not sure how to feel about my father anymore. My mother was a victim as well. I’m working on this with my therapist. She says I have C-PTSD and I’m starting to understand this and how I was affected.
I tell ya it all sucks so bad because it is painfully true that it is actually abuse since childhood. Being a parent now confirms it, i could never treat my kids the way i was treated.. Then the terror and horror of it sets in..and finally after your heart is shattered comes the acceptance. After all that hell...the reward is freedom. I report the pain is worth it. Like a wrongfully imprisoned man for his whole life...gets a free pass suddenly. Once you see it it cannot be unseen. It feels like that prisoner's first day free...but you feel that way every day! Absolute freedom is the payoff and it is a worthy reason. Don't convince yourself that you don't deserve to be free and feel like this. I have the key to my own cage that i set myself free with it and so that means... you do too. Where is your key hidden? Mine was in my heart. Learn to trust your own heart and instincts is my wish for anyone watching this video.
Thank you for this! I have a lot of difficulty figuring out what type of caregivers my parents have been and how it has affected me, and this helps me a lot to figure it out. My father was angry, neglectful, critical and absent. In contrast, my mother was like a big child who had me as her best friend and, like you said, shared everything about her conflicts and treated me like an extension of herself - She would brag to her colleagues about how good I was at taking care of myself from a super young age (not really my choice, lol), how good I was at saving money, etc, but would be ashamed of my drug issues and criticize all types of small errors like spilling water on the floor, messing up the couch, etc.
This is definitely an important topic. Thank you for presenting it. I appreciate that every content creator has a different approach. It adds to and broadens our(the audience) understanding of this complex dynamic. I grew up with a narc father and everything you mentioned rings true. My mother spent alot of her energy keeping him in line and me in denial that there was a problem. After she passed away many years ago, my brother and I spent a long time finally talking and coming to an understanding what we went through. It was cathartic and challenging.
The comment you made about identifying asserting rules/boundaries for yourself that you weren’t made to feel you were allowed to have growing up resonated for me personally but I also see it in so many other people too. It’s a bit like abandoning yourself because you struggle to know when something is ok or not ok, if you’re being too sensitive or when you should have asserted a boundary, it’s like not having the correct frames of reference for worth and boundaries to come in for yourself and advocate for yourself.
my mom says I used to be such a perfect quiet child until I became stubborn (aka dress exactly how she likes, for example)). she still believes I loved ballet, opera and figure skating SO MUCH. (that was our main time together once a week - always out to see some show/theatre, more like a date). it's so confusing to look back, because the times you feel completely invisible as a person looked like a real celebration.
Thank you. Just seeing this as an adult daughter of a narcissist father. Sure explains alot. The subtle head games mocking me etc.., I also want to learn how to take personal responsibility for my part.. Somehow saying sorry to the people I hurt with my addiction doesn't feel like it's enough. Thank you for your empathy. I feel validated and understood, and that means so much to me ❤❤❤
I was recovering from a major surgery when I said something my father didn’t like. I don’t remember what it was. He threatened to hit me and he called me names. I felt so powerless. I’ve healed a lot from the years of abuse. I’m still healing. Honestly, I’ve forgiven him but the trauma still has its own effects.
This was really good and I love the simplicity of your approach. Your tone and vibe is very calming and authentic. I left a narc and this is clear and precise. I am thankful my therapist told me they need to know so they can begin healing or have an understanding earlier in life. I'm 40 realizing what in the world npd is. It's mindblowing how they live a life of chaos and all who are involved will in turn be in cycles of chaos. I did NO CONTACT with kids and thank God for wisdom with my court case. Blew him and the lies out of the water and that was the first battle to putting my kids in stability, safety, and peace. Be well!
It’s totally my life now and yet it’s my husband not father. Thirty years of all of your symptoms you’ve read off. You are the one I need to be in therapy with my dear! My name is Kim too!! How neat. Thank you Dr. Kim
Very helpful video. Been unpacking and processing so much of what you have shared. So difficult to regulate emotions feels like having contracted Borderline Personality Disorder following growing up with BPD parents. Thanks so much. One day at a time, its time to be the me I left behind.
I found this helpful. I am struggling with my 3 daughters. My ex is a grandiose narcissist and he was always very detached from me amd my daughters. I did not understand why we all were like an inconvenience to him, a burden, until I learned what narcissism was and all the light bulbs went off for me and I was like omg this is exactly what I have been living in.When I split away from him in 2011 he basically just walked away from our girls like they didn't matter at all and lived his own life. I did everything I could to take care of my 3 girls without help at all from him. Then almost 2 years ago I tried to change around parenting time for our youngest since he was seeing her only 6 hours a week at most. I also had finally decided to date and met someone. He proceeded to smear campaign me. It is like my daughters were brainwashed by him. He has basically rewriting our history. Saying he always wanted to be in their lives and I kept him away from them blah, blag, blah, so many lies. They moved my youngest out of my place while I was at work. They all played a role in his plan to basically try to destroy me. Now my relationships with them are all weird and there have been many situations for the last 2 years that they all lie about involvement. They all tell contradicting versions. They throw each other under the bus. I see a lot of the same kind of behavior in them that mimics him. It scares me he has so much control over them and it hurts so bad to know my girls are in that fog and I can't help them away from him. I want to heal and be able to help them. I have 4 grandsons in the mix that my oldest daughter is basically isolating her 2 sons from me rn. She is the oldest and my ex basically acted like she was his wife and mother to my youngest once I split from him in 2011. It is all very difficult. I need direction for myself. This hurts so bad.
I came here praying that what I suspected wasn't true Sadly it is. I hope I can work on ways to set good boundaries so I don't get so affected anymore Thank you so much for such brilliant and eloquent explanations 🧡
Dr Kim both you and Dr Jay Reid have the most helpful, detailed (and clearly, lived) experience on these topics out there. Your empathetic and tireless efforts to help others in this area is such a gift. I agree with you on the comments about kids figuring out the abusive parent later on. It leaves the kids wondering, if everyone knew how hurtful they were, how come no one said anything? Wasn’t I worth intervening for? To me, that pain compounded the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness. Surely it has to possible to avoid disparaging the other parent while still fighting for their well-being and making clear to them how it’s okay to be treated and how not to.
I really like Dr. Jay Reid, also. I couldn’t remember his name, the other day, to look up his videos. I’m thankful for coming across your comment, as it immediately reminded me. Thank you. 🤍
Ive been no contact for four years and he keeps stalking me... Which i find really strange, because he genuinely hates me. But i guess the scapegoat role is not being fullfilled. But everytime i hear from him, it gets to me. Its like a cancer. And then i have to go trough these emotions again. He will forever have a negative influence on me, and its just so awful. I kind of get people who just keep contact, or when you go no contact, make sure you are not to be found. These people dont give up. They DONT change. Thats the biggest thing i can say to other people: they will never change.
Same same same, he gave me silent treatment for 2 years (!!) no answer to happy birthday or merry xmass, nothing. One day I get “I’m in crisis” usual text like nothing happened- wants money of course. In those 2 years I educated myself and turned his silent treatment to my no contact. Since then stalking began - pleading, self-offing threats, next day attempts at bribery, than humiliating comments to get a rise out of me.. Sending common acquaintances after me.. They're all the same person.
Damn, I wish I didn’t know this when I was younger I just self-medicating my whole life smoked weed drank alcohol lived in pointless, sexual relationships with girls always trying to fill the void. I couldn’t do shit right for my dad. I felt like I did everything I could and he minimized everything and discredited everything he would change every deal we ever made. He always came out on top financially and everything controls all the carts everything cause turmoil in my first marriage to finally we divorced. It’s just been a fucking nightmare. I’m gonna roll a joint and smoke it and go to sleep and try to change my fucking life get the fuck away from him.
The only one that is coming to save you is yourself. At least your not him. Going no contact sounds like your best bet. A little weed is fine bud, and until you are free then honestly super helpful to numb out just to get away. Maybe that's not popular advice but it was how I got through a lot of years wait... maybe there would have been fewer years... or maybe that was the only way I could survive. Either way - you gotta choose yourself and know that in fact you are free to leave and it only feels like he's got some hold over you but it's an illusion that he made up and had used to control you. You don't have to explain anything to him. You deserve a better life and to be happy, healthy and free of abuse! You can do it - keep learning about this stuff and make a plan (a secret plan of course)! Or f it and just PACK A BAG AND LEAVE! Just make it sudden and unannounced, otherwise it can be dangerous legit
Thank you, Dr. Sage for your videos! I really like your openness about your own experiences and your soothing voice. It's very calming. 😊 I think that one of the biggest breakthroughs that I gained from your videos is that it's especially hard to heal from toxic parents when it wasn't always bad and there were times where there was actually good love displayed. I haven't heard that anywhere else but it makes so much sense because this is my experience. This video was excellent and unfortunately describes my father so accurately as well. Thank you for all that you do!
It is such a good point when you say "For whatever reason" because it that is where it is easy to get stuck. No one should be above certain behavior on a normal basis. The Victims have to live with what they cause while The Narcs tell everyone you are crazy and you still don't want to be cruel about them. I feel like I am coming out of a dream.
That sense of self entitlement is something i definitely experienced. I’m still working on being kinder to myself and allowing myself to believe in this newer version of me with out feeling shame to grow and move on. Narcissistic fathers are truly the worst, moving through emotional and mental abuse has took such a toll but I am glad to say I have come so far and I am so thankful for pages n community’s like this one ❤
The part talking about being akin to a limb or extension of their body hit me like a train. See, I knew for a while my father was likely narcissistic and abusive, as hard as it was to comprehend. However, he always wanted me to do exactly what he wanted. He forced me to sit and watch the same TH-cam videos as him, that usually didn’t interest me at all. He would often highlight my hobbies in a good light to his coworkers or neighbors- and then turn around to use it as a point of bringing me down if I did something wrong. Any interest or hobby I had was always later attacked or turned against me. Though, I didn’t realize that it would also apply to my mother- my mother, though I love her dearly and it breaks my heart to say, has always been easily gullible and lies a lot. However, I didn’t realize that her pushing the responsibilities, that she wanted to begin with, onto me… making plans for the future for herself like vacations because she thinks she’ll force me to stay here another 2 or more years- (I am 18 btw) was literally just her using me because I owe them something. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the financial and material opportunities that I’ve had. I’ve been spoiled, mostly when I was a little girl- but I’ve grown to realize it’s the stability and care that I want.. not to be showered with gifts. Even in the time of writing this I don’t know if I’m second guessing myself or not. There were always moments where my family would be fine- moments where my father seemed to care- I don’t know. I just wish I felt okay.
1000% spot on with the absence unless it’s of value of them. I remember trying so hard to be seen by my dad as a child and noticed only things he liked I could get his attention.
Thank you for this Dr. Sage. My father is the epitome of everything you describe, and the impact on myself and my siblings has no bottom. He is in his 80's now, and is behaving worse than ever, isolating my mother (who has dementia) and refusing to let family in their home, being controlling, verbally abusive, rageful, and just so cruel in a million different ways, it is hard to describe. As Dr. Ramani said in a video, sometimes we don't truly get peace until they pass, which is incredibly sad to think about, but it is my reality. I'm so tired and worn out of his abuse all of my life. I am low contact, and it is still too much. Thank you for helping us to understand this complicated human condition.
Hi Dr Sage, thank you for this video, I'm so grateful for you. I'm in therapy now trying to recover from c-ptsd from narcissistic abuse from my father and even though it feels like narcissism these days is a buzzword, my therapist still doesn't seem to fully understand the repercussions of being brought up by a narcissist. Your videos are so reassuring. PS I've never mentioned it before but I think your aesthetic suits you so well and I really like your outfits and decor.
I'm in the same boat. My therapist believes that the narcissist "does not know what he is doing", and diagnosed ME with borderline. I would have no problem with it if it would be true, but I did attract borderlines in the past and I am definitely not like them. I don't do push and pull, I do know who I am, and I don't rewrite events like they do. So I stopped therapy.
I am so sorry - I really don't understand why a therapist would not get the impact. I think the only issue is that "narcissist" has been so over used - and at the same time, I truly believe that so many of us have been wounded by other wounded humans...who don't seem to fully get it. Thank you for your kind words and for being here.❤❤
First off thank you so much for your content 🙏 this has been so hard for me not only do I have a covert narcissist for a father but my mother is a diagnosed over narcissist realizing this now in my 40's since I now have developed GAD and CPTSD and that has led me to start healing and realizing it feels so freeing also my ex husband big shock was very abusive in all the ways. I am finally understanding what's been going on. Every video on this subject is like saying and someone finally seeing what's been going on forever 🙏
Please talk about it! Some of us are just finding you and realizing where our disfunction comes from. I didn’t even make the connection about how my behaviors are from that and have no idea how to help myself. You are AMAZING and are helping me have hope that I could heal. 💗💗
So true❤I am in my 50s now but when i am around my narcissistic father i feel like a child,, at times like his wife or a mate and IT feels so strange.To this day i struggle with autonomy as i was not and still i am not able to be autonomous because he would always come and manipulate us his adult children into giving him money more and more every time .He secretely took lots of loans to never pay them off and they were just inherited by US .My dad is in his 80s now but he did not change at all..... He expects US to care for him ...does not care about our personal wellbeing as he thinks IT equals caring for him and having no life of our own
I have this memory of my dad yelling at me for crying calling me a baby when I was like 6. Also another memory when me and my brother were playing a video game and having a ton of fun and he kept on us about how we never did any school work and we were lazy kids. Just ruining good and innocent moments. I don't remember a ton from below the age of 10-11 but I'm glad I don't. He's a terrible person.
Had similar experiences almost every day for years and years... so sad, I'm just wondering how it affects me now. I'm with a narcissistic gf and just now realizing all this narcissism stuff.. didn't educate myself til a few days ago . Now I'm in learning mode, but have no idea how to get out of this relationship.
13:50 the excessive praising part is so right. I feel like there are two main types of narcissists. Those who were over-praised to the point where their sense of reality was skewed and those who had their self-esteem completely destroyed in their youth.
You definitely are the best of explaining,I never was able to express this to any counselor, you are so appreciated by us Adults who understand when parents are toxic because it comes with so much pain to admit what your saying is completely true.I went to get help For years they told me at a young age I new something was wrong and I wanted to fix it. Unfortunately as a child you can not.So, I was told how much do I have to give to feel loved. Unfortunately for me it was everything, and so that was a deficit in relationships.I did do well with my children was not going to be conditional and did my very best not to be like my Parents.I have always been searching for answers but you have to be ready to except the reality s of your parents and to understand why this has such an impact on myself and my siblings,I always thought I refuse to be a victim, I will work more,attain more but inside was the biggest deficit not loving self enough to have value to set those boundaries.Truly Confidence is so important,It gives you better choices.Im 54now and I want to heal I have the choice to be happy I had to let go of my toxic family that I put too many band aids on. I relocated very far and it was hard but when you know some triggers you have to let go to heal.i wish I could have identified this trama early on it would have saved me time.im so greatful for your channel all these years all I knew was domestic violence.I feel my search is over no more questions you have solved them, I am no longer confused I see it for what it is.My sibling who was the golden child told me Our childhood could have been better or it could have been a lot worse.When I asked her a few months back she said she was oblivious to it all and she only focuses on the positive.I know where I stand with all my family members and I m ok with it because I understand now, I know to them I will never do enough,be enough.To myself I know better and I'm taking the time to heal because I know the truth,I can have love and compassion for all of them.But I don't need approval to live the life I'm supposed to have.Thank you so much for sharing real truth that is so difficult for someone broken to express the way they feel.
This really helped because I wanted to know the symptoms. Good to know I'm dealing with a narcissist. I'm 41 so I'm well beyond the need to "heal". I need to figure out how to handle this a hole. We're family in the end. He's my business partner and the grandfather to my kids. Dealing with him today left me drained and funny enough I first searched "narcissistic mothers" before I realized she wasn't the problem. This video showed me why I'd think that. Enlightening... mwah!
Wow just listening to you had made me realise what me and the kids have been through. Just dealing with a really hurt teenager who has decided not to see her dad. Not much help out there for teenage girls struggling.
My father wasn't a narcissist. My father wasn't really anything. He just loved my mother and wasn't anything else. She could run riot and there was just nothing from him. Whatever my mother said and did was fine by him. I never had a father
Hi Dr Sage, Thank you for continuing to share your knowledge and experience in such a gentle heart-felt way. There are many helpful TH-cam creators that help us identify narcissistic and Borderline traits in others. And you are right. That is valuable as a starting point. But we cannot stay stuck pointing the finger forever. We, adult children of toxic parents need to truly see our own wounds within the context of origin. Your videos help bridge that step in healing the narcissistic injury. Your generosity is much appreciated 💕
My mother is a narcissist and I just found out what the word meant about 10 years. I spent years doing research on the impact of narcissism by someone who claims to be an expert. You summed up in one what 25 minute video the impacts and what you need to heal which she never did. You are one of two psychologists I really relate to the other one is an expert trauma and male, patrick teahan. I took your free course and I've been meaning to purchase your the courses and this video really made me take the step to purchase it. But I won't be available to do it until the winter time. Thank you for your
this will be with us til the last breath we take . and I have been emotionally and psychologically wounded beyond repair so that should speak for itself !!!!!!!
Thank you for your video. I have been healing from my narcissistic parents for a year now and have actually managed to heal quite a lot and regain a lot of my self worth. But I feel like I still have some father wounds and abandonment wounds left that I don’t know how to heal completely. I still see them from time to time like on Christmas but it remains quite toxic despite the boundaries I have now. I am wondering if a solution is to actually go no contact from them at all… but it’s such a hard thing to process and come to terms with …
Isn't it interesting that as adult individuals, many continue to allow the narcissistic parent to treat them as they did when a child? I'll admit that it was only after a personal illness that somehow I found the courage to tell my mother that when we were in my home she could not rearrange my furniture to her liking. I honestly think she finally understood that if she continued "taking control" when in my territory/space/home that I would no longer allow her in my life. Unfortunately, her husband (my dad) died, leaving her solo going into old age. The much youngest child frequently gets stuck caring for the old, single Mom! I always thought mom would just die in her sleep. But she did not! Then what!? I encourage all middle age people to plan with their parents, before old age begins, the late retirement years of the already retired parent(s). A plan must be in place so that all children of the parents share financial responsibility for the last years of both parent's lives. Or is it out of line to request that parents set aside their own funds for later years of life? Wealthy families have Trusts in place; not the rest of us. In reality, life gets MESSY! Unless preplanned.
I'm so sad reading all these comments. I had the most precious Dad but i was married to a narcissist and myself and my adult children are damaged. I am listening to this video to try to help my children find peace in their lives.
Dr. Kim, your work is amazing. I'm so glad I've found you and your channel. Thank you so much for taking the time to put all this out to the public 🙏🙏 it's invaluable and also extremely validating. For years I didn't know what I was going through with my toxic parents. I just knew life was chaotic and full of anger and rage. I never had a right to feel anything. It was such an invalidating experience and a feeling of worthlessness. From my own parents - it's a hard pill to swallow. Thanks to your videos (among many others) I'm finally opening my eyes and I finally feel so validate, heard, seen, listened to - that above all else is what I'm grateful for the most 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos, I’m not in a spot where I can leave my household that my narcissistic father controls, but these offer such needed validation. Even though I know I don’t deserve this treatment, it’s so hard to not lean into their words a little and think that maybe they have some credit. But these videos bring me right back to where I know I should be:)♥️
I really appreciate all the wisdom you are sharing Dr. Kim. I just came across your content yesterday and find it immensely helpful. This video however is triggering. I am not a parent and it's in large part probably because of my unconscious desire to break the abuse and unhappiness pattern of my family. There is a lot of its own grief because of loss of childbearing ability. So, it would be good to hear more about how I can heal myself not in relationship to children (in my case nonexistent) but for myself and my community. Thank you!
I have never heard a more perfect description of my Father and my relationship with my Father. It’s like you were there. I’ve been trying to explain this to my Mother for the last 30 years. You nailed it!
My father and grandmother had to constantly remind and brag to me and my younger sister for years that he paid his child support for years and always made us feel like we owe him/them for that. Even now in our 20s, they still kept up with this behavior along with thinking its okay to talk trash about my mother for years, constantly talk about the past (even about stuff when they were kids thinking it should apply to us kids) and stuff that has nothing to do with the situation when i call them out. My younger sister decided to cut them both out of their life 2 years ago and i did the same this year, especially after they would act like they didnt do anything wrong with my younger sister. My older sister whos in her 30s now i think will eventually do the same, because my dad and grandma will repeat their patterns like they always do. It's only been like a week but feels like the best decision ive made in my entire life. I'm way less stressed without that kind of narcisstic and toxic behavior in my life.
The only way to escape a narc family is to be able to afford to move out & our economy is making it very difficult to do so
Right. I felt I couldn't focus on my education since my home was a train wreck. I worked to have a place to live, but truly it was mainly to hide and heal. I appreciated the silence, the cleanliness, the smell of my house. But it became somewhat of a cage after a few years (COVID didn't help with that lol). I have been in all types of weird relationships, was over sexualizing myself, struggled with self worth, and so on. Now, I have to battle my immense fear of failure, rejection and abandonment if I want to be a good parent. Wich is weird, since I personally don't have the lowest of self esteems. But the freeze and self isolation are things I yet have to manage. I wish to anyone reading this to understand, like REALLY understand it was not your fault, but they are not gonna improve. Leave them, leave them behind. Heal, run, fight if needed. Get them out of your system. It can be done, you can do this. Things will get better. Take care of yourself, be your own parent. People will show up along the way sooner or later. Much love to everyone ❤
Yes, even if you have to get room mates.
Very true. I’m surrounded by narc. Brothers who turned same as my narc dad & step dad!!! I don’t make enough to move out and have been set back significantly financially. My biggest dream is to move away from the toxicity!!
@@Mini-ge9sm i wish this immensely for you. strength and love to you
Having a narcissistic father is like feeling never good enough. Even when u think you're in good terms there's always something wrong at the end. Seeking for their approval and getting complains on their part. Even when dating, i seek for that validation i didn't get in my childhood with him as a man and father. So draining tbh.
Sad but so true 😢can relate to your comment my narcissistic father is the worst and he's very disrespectful and has alot of double standards.
Yeah. I'm a 31 year old man and the feeling of not being good enough still weighs heavily on me. My father would try to 'encourage' me to follow my own passion. But he would get mad whenever I do something that he didn't think was 'the right way'. He would also accuse me of having a 'bad attitude' whenever I didn't agree with him.
@@M777a2-k7f Hell yeah
Draining, yes ..
You explain my situation so well… I told my parents I was gonna marry my long standing boyfriend of ten years and that we didn’t want a wedding, just a private thing between us. They nodded and there wasn’t any disapproval. Then months after I married him, my sister sends me a long message telling me how disappointed my dad was, that I gave myself away, that I didn’t give him the wedding he deserve cause he wanted to walk me down the aisle. The message came out of no where and so sudden. I realized then how my dad constantly criticized me ever since from childhood. I never felt good enough. Even to this day if he’s not telling it to me directly, he complains to my siblings and turn them against me. I’m really tired…
As the older, retired daughter of a narc father, I finally realized the worst thing he did to me. A father should give his daughter a sense of her own AGENCY in the world, or as you say, SELF ADVOCACY. However, I spent my life trying to "do the right thing" instead of doing what I was inherently good at. I now know I was trying to prove myself in all the wrong ways. It's not too late, but anger is still a big issue for me. Thanks so much for your video.
I'm a 38 year-old man who is now discovering this exact same thing. Entire life spent feeling bad if I was not doing this magical "right thing" that would satisfy my dad's hidden desires. And he did hide them! He often sometimes "test" me by letting me know I could make my own decision as if he was being a good dad by letting me choose, but in one extremely important instance he admitted he had a "right" decision in his head that he wanted me to pick. The anxiety it caused and still causes sometimes is so deep because it removed my ability to trust my gut or desires at all.
I feel this too. I keep finding new veins of anger in me even when I think I must be through it by now.
Thankyou for writing this 😢
I can't thankyou enough, I was going through something bad right now 😭
I would like to connect with you if it is possible in anyway.
I needed this comment. Thank you.
I’ve been trying to figure out if my father’s just extremely codependent with my narcissistic mother or if he had narc tendencies.
Anger is good, it gives you the strength to change things.
My Dad is so verbally abusive and can never take the slightest bit of criticism or even a differing opinion. It's quite fascinating to witness. The damage to me is incalculable and constant.
Control. You are not allowed your own opinion. As for criticism a narcissist is overly sensitive to anything that seems a threat to their perfect image. They will ALWAYS react negatively and claim victimization.
My dad and I just got into a huge argument earlier tonight over my mom warning him of a curb. He flipped out and said not to talk to him about his driving. It triggered me and I was like HOW are you turning a legit concern and forewarning from your wife into an attack on your driving??? WHY ARE YOU GETTING DEFENSIVE ??? Like he turns everything into him being a victim and saying he’s being attacked and needs to be on the defense. It’s soooo annoying. He picks apart everything everyone else does, but no one can say anything to him about anything he does.
It’s exhausting. I’m so fucking sick of it dude. Sick of him acting like a man child. He is 65 yet acts like a 5 yr old boy throwing a tantrum.
@taylorsachse5771 exactly like my dad. Sorry you have to deal with this too.
I am damaged. From a pre school age, the abuse started. Im 64 now and I live alone. A man woman relationship is impossible.
@@Beloved42822 I think that's indicative of a narcissist. No criticism ever and they are always a victim
This is so correct, it sounded like you knew my parents personally. My father whined continuously to me as a child, about being abandoned by my mother, while shamelessly abandoning me at the exact same time.
I dealt with the same. I was basically my father's therapist starting at like age 7. I just recently cut him off and realized I'm not responsible for him. You did not deserve any of that.
Same story. I feel you
42 and just realizing where all of my attachment issues stemmed from, married a narcissist that messed my eleest son up to the point he's got the exact same tendancies. I get retriggered by my father and my husband all over again. But it stops now. I choose myself and my kids.
I have started a new tradition for Mothers Day, I now take myself out for brunch/whatever because I raised myself in a vicious family that my mother sicced on me, a child. I don't necessarily go to the Mothers Day events, but I buy myself flowers, a gift and a great meal.
I wish my 14 year old granddaughter would listen to this and hear the truth you speak. She was removed from the father's narcissistic home ( with narcissistic stepmother )and placed in her narcissistic mother's home.
Grandfather John
Sad in Pennsylvania
She is young but maybe you could write to her?
Can u take her in bro
Im so sorry youre feeling this pain for her John. Just be there for her when you can. I was 14 when I went from living with my sick mother to my narc dad and step mom.. it did mess me up for a long time BUT I always remembered the people that were really there for me. That stuck through all the bad. I'm 28 now, and have come full circle with my healing. I can look at my parents and I dont blame them anymore. Because of the people that showed me how to care.
So sad but keep in touch with her as much as possible.
Stay in touch with her and empower her. She needs you
I love the fact that your explanations are compassionate and informative. You described my father perfectly. They really don't change, they just get more demanding and controlling and invasive and I was getting so sick that I had to go no contact. It really is a tragedy having a parent who is like this. It's a lifelong sentence.
Its crazy to think that if they both died in a plane crash when I was 9 and id have to be a ward of the state , that I'd probably end up wayyyyyyyyyyy better off
Went no contact with my father 2 weeks ago, he handled it very poorly and started sending the most abusive texts imaginable. In just 2 days I've found all these videos who describe his behavior in detail, it's such a release to know that you're not crazy. Almost as if I look forward to the uncertain future without being emotionally crippled by him.
I admire people who are able to do this. I'm in my late 30's and still haven't found the courage to go no contact. I have an irrational fear of letting my father down, even though I can't do anything right for him anyway.
We're the same age, for me it reached a point where it just clicked that the cycle had continued for too long and he crossed every concievable line of decency in what he said/wrote to me. I realized that the argument in itself didn't matter, he had behaved like this countless times to both me and my younger brother, who went no contact a few years ago.
This time he was in a weakened state because of a rough period, so he just went all in on gaslighting me and lying incessantly about things I had never said. I noticed that he used every single thing he could come up with to trigger a response and to make me grovel at his feet.
At that point I realized that there's no hope, had been through that cycle so many times in my life and it has crushed my self esteem. You should know that it was unthinkable to me to ever go no contact just days prior to this happening (was in october).
I didn't know anything detailed about narcissism prior to it, it was just a light bulb going up and I thought "I'm not doing this, won't talk to him for the forseeable future". Once I found out about narcissism, forseeable future changed to "never again if I can help it". I wish I would have done this years ago now.
You're not alone and you're not weak for not wanting to cut contact with a parent. But I would suggest that you register every time he mistreats you and think about these videos.
Awareness of what they are is truly something that makes you lose interest in them quickly.@@bcs0812
Stay away from him. just do it.@@bcs0812
1: Understand and accept what narcisstic abuse is (that's qhat happened to me and it wasn't ok, but it is what it is and this is where I have to go)
2: Asses your own trauma (relational dynamics, around grades, passions, what was their rage like,...)
3: Asses your inner child wounds (parts that didn't get to develop, mature, are scared,...)
4: Understand where those need to be reloved / reparented
5: Identify your attachment pattern (how do you chose partners, what are you trying to heal, where do you get tripped up in relationships, where are your strengths)
6: Explore your own caregiver behaviours that you have (what do you to please or compulsive caregiver (is it help- / harmful)
7: Understand the depth of narcissism in adults and kids (ie exessive praise isn't good either, so number one but not just the abuse - the whole thing)
8: Common dynamics in kids (genetics, relational trauma; insensitive, abandoning, neglectful to overly involved, exessive praising, pampering parenting, exessive criticism, control, coldness, lack of emphaty, lack of real validation - riskfactor for narcissistic parenting when adult)
9: Work with the grief that comes up, the shame of maybe having repeated stuff
10: Look at things around toxic shame, compulsive caregiving, isolation, desparation (love me please), boundary issues, conflict and self advocacy skills, role reverse (narcissistic parents often like kids - immature), your own anger (in your own home back then, now)
11: Understand often cptsd for people
12: mapp your own body, understand your own fight flight freeze, do to responses of body, learn how to regulate, calm your body
13: list at 18:30 maybe few seconds later
14: build mission statements (book was mentioned - i think pete walker - from surviving to thriving)
English is not my first language, but I hope my writing skills are good enough for the list to make sense :)
I taught high school English for thirty years, and didn't know English is a second language for you until your last sentence. You summary is excellent, and thank you so much for it.
@@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry Thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me. I wish you a very pleasant day 🤗
@@ClaudiaSt56 You're very welcome. I wish for you a wonderful day as well.
This was extremely helpful. Thank you
You are an angel🕊💙 thank you for doing this
My father is an alcoholic whose abuse was (I am no contact now) very much controlled, even when he was drunk, which was every night. His hate languages were criticism, ridicule, and contempt. He hated his family and himself, but presented as an altruist at his job, leading people in the community to unknowingly gaslight me with statements like, "You're so lucky to have him as a father." and "I want to be your dad when I grow up." My head was very messed up. It took five decades for me to first learn about narcissism, and by then I had spent half that time trying to be happy whilst married to a malignant narcissist quite like my father. I need your content. Thank you, Dr. Sage.
Thank you. It’s my 19th birthday and I helped my dad after he spun out into a ditch . The entire time he belittled me and made me feel small. I spent a lot of time in therapy so I can recognize a narcissist when I see one. This bud was a refresher corse for me. I can’t walk away completely yet. But this is a start . So truly thank you 🥰🥰
Hang in there. It's good to get started early. Psychology, thanks to the internet, is finally giving some of us validation and words for what we knew has been torturing us since childhood. I'm pushing 60 trying to do the same thing you are now and thanks to the internet finally making some progress, I think.
If he's bad enough, then once you're able to walk away completely, stay gone and don't look back, no matter the circumstances if you can help it. Nineteen is quite young to already realize how toxic a narcissistic parent can be. I have two of them and it took me a lot longer than 19 years to realize that it would be best to walk away completely. So you're ahead of the game compared with most others who have been in or are still in your shoes.
As the years go by, you may realize that it's done more damage to you than you might realize at this point. I don't know you or what you've been through but I'm pushing fifty and I'm still finding out about the wounds that were inflicted upon me and how it has effected other facets of my life. Either way, I'm rooting on you. Good luck to you. May you have the peaceful and rewarding life that you deserve.
Wish you the best🙏Gl.
Fuckin run
You are so insightful and intelligent. I was 55 when I figured out my dad was a narcissist and went no contact. Best thing I ever did. Best of luck.
My sperm donor would mess with me and tease me all the time and when he would get the reaction he wanted (me being upset) he would laugh and say "you're so easy" everything was a "joke" and so when I would get really mad about it he would get mad because I was mad. If anyone made jokes at his expense it didn't matter if it was "just a joke" THEN it's not funny
Oh you are not alone with that, my father loves to make awful backhanded "jokes" and when I don't like what he says he like "oh where's your sense of humor?" or "I was just kidding" sure you were dad... sure you were...
Why did you choose him?
@@fairplayer7435 She may be referring to her biological father as nothing more than a sperm donor to her mother. I have friends who refer to disastrous male parents in that fashion.
So did you keep the sperm ?
Damn Rosie I'm a damged troll too but rly?
I am 32, and only just now beginning to put the broken pieces of myself back together. Videos like yours help make me feel like I am a person who is worthy of love again. The path to healing can sometimes feel just as painful as the original journey through the trauma, but I am beginning to understand that the pain of healing/understanding leads to the life that I have been seeking the entire time. The light at the end of the tunnel- empathy, compassion, love, fulfillment, and meaningful intimacy. Freedom from resentment. Freedom from self loathing. Freedom from the shackles of never being able to choose forgiveness because it's buried too deeply under the pain. Thank you so much for what you do.
💖💖💖💖
I'm just about the same age and what you said about the healing journey almost being worse is spot on. I've been putting myself back together for a while too and finally realizing the depth of what happened and what you lost can be staggering! Wishing you the best~
This is the first time in my life as a 56 year old man that I felt like someone communicated with me like a calm loving adult regarding this subject matter .
Thank you 🙏🏻
Same
Both parents were narcissistic. I was an only child that ended up with my dad because I did not go along with mom's behavior and affair. My dad tried but...he died from cancer in my arms 10 years ago and still no mom around to care. I'm an empath that ended up in addiction which embarrassed them. I'm working thru this and I thank you I think your terrific
Sending love and healing ❤️
May you be blessed in your healing journey.
Thank you so much! I love that you are in it from a point of empathy and I can really feel that. I’m almost 30 and spent my whole 20s in a spiral of self-destruction and self-hate because of molding myself around a father with pretty textbook grandiose narcissism. Trying to learn how to re-parent myself now and live a happier life, this helps so much. Thank you 🙏
My Dad thinks that everything should be done his way. Every time I want something done my way, I’m being named arrogant or selfish or that I escalate confrontation on purpose.
Even if I try to do things his way, that’s never enough. And/or I could’ve done it better.
Buying my car for my own money was a nightmare. “Wanna buy import? You gonna regret it when repair” or “Why do you want a sports car? Are you a child?” or “Don’t buy a used one. You’ll embarrass our family.” I ended up doing the way he wants. He doesn’t admit, that he influenced my choice.
Thank you so much, you are so helpful!
Me too😢 I feel for you❤️
I wish you so much healing and love 🧡
You are not alone. 🫶 29 and going through the same awakening.
I watched this to get confirmation. And I felt you were literally telling me about my childhood. He checks all the boxes, and I'll add 1 more; Military.
I can't stress this enough; do NOT date or marry military personnel that do not have current and constant mental health help. It WILL be 9.9x out of 10, painfully toxic. The military do not help to build emotionally aware and intelligent people, they do not help to build families.
I'm in my late 30's now, I've spent a large portion of my life chasing my father and wishing so badly to have a real dad. I was a tomboy, I did EVERYTHING I could to get his attention, love and approval. Never got it. So now, I'm taking care of myself, reparenting myself, and truly mourning the death of this ideal I carried around for so long.
If you are a teen, and you're fighting tooth and nail for a parent's attention, and wondering whats wrong with you; Nothing is wrong. Focus on you, be selfish. Because if you have a parent like this, they dont care about you, so you need to care about you
Thank you for this🙏 sometimes knowing you're not alone helps 💛
I was the scapegoat to a narcissistic father. I raised my son and he became an narcissistic person because I pampered him and enabled him and gave him everything I never had
Amazing, had me in tears! In my 50’s and still trying to make sense of it al ❤🙏 Thank you for such clarity and sincerity
@perfume addict so sad how much pain these type of parents cause to their kids
Wishing you all the best on this journey 🩵
Me too !!!! We we rise above
I am 53 yrs old and still trying to heal from my dads narc abuse and X husband narcissist and what he is doing to them. I cant stand being the way I am and really want to heal and change. I am in fear and anxiety all the time. Please pray for me and my 3 young adult children
For a good 35 years (im 40 now) I couldn’t understand why i felt the way i did about my father. Its all starting to make sense. I forget at times (often) but my father fits the description of a narcissist to a T. Hes a good guy at heart but his behaviors towards me are toxic as fuck.
Same
I was glad when my father died because he could not hurt me anymore. My father did weird things that really scared me to the core - animal fear. i had many nightmares about him and did not feel safe being alone with him.
❤🌹
This was my life. I never felt good enough. I was too skinny, too fat, to big for my boots, I was criticised, ridiculed and belittled. Thank goodness for my mother. I knew she loved me and always tried to defend me but the damage had been done. Relationships were hard for me because I was constantly looking for what he never provided. I am learning though. Its a slow journey but I think I am getting there. Thank you for the video.
Thank you! This is a hard realization at age 59. 😢
I have already raised four children, and instead of trying to raise them with what I didn’t have, I did the over parenting thing because I thought that’s what they needed. That’s all I ever knew. I am at least very thankful to say that they have all turned out very successful and independent. I sit here with my life though feeling like I feel that everything I ever did and where do I go now and what do I do, my dad is still belittling me to this day to this day. He was a very successful man, and I have never ever been able to be enough or successful enough in any way. All this realization that I’ve been going through in therapy and EMDR and learning skills has become extremely overwhelming. Thank you for what you’re doing to help those of us who’ve been through this. 🙏❤️🙂
This hit me dead center of my being. Thank you!! I'm trying to reconcile the father i grew up with, the father I grew to admire, the father who helped me through my mom's death, with the father who has regressed back to the father that is verbally abusive, patronizing, critical, self-centered, but is dying. It's so hard for me to feel love for him right now as I have been thrust back into that little girl that didn't have a dad who attended her soccer games because he didn't like soccer (he wanted me to be a golfer), that father that never helped me with homework, the one that that didn't come to my rescue when my alcoholic mother's degenerate boyfriend threw a beer at her forehead, the one that left me waiting to be picked up. I am in therapy but it's not enough. I have made all the wrong choices with men because of my narc dad and my need to please and put up with being someone's good time girl and "dirty secret." Thank you Dr. Sage for these words, I am now more equipped to discuss all this with my therapist.
I'd argue your content is the best out there on the topic...dr ramani is close, but I feel she has a financial purpose, where you are truly trying to help people...don't stop, please!
Beyond kind and appreciate you so much!❤
Ramani is a narcissist herself
This is the first video I’ve seen by Dr. Sage … I have been following Dr. Ramani for quite some time and your assessment that she is extremely good is right on… However, your comment about her being more financially focused is not a fair comparison. Many of these doctors have sacrificed running a private practice in lieu of reaching many more people through their work on TH-cam, videos courses they offer, and books that they write. I see that doctor Sage also offers online courses for helping paying clients. I think they both deserve appreciation for the help that thousands of people receive as free information and advice on TH-cam.
@jessethompson9976 Dr Ramani is very expansive to be honest. And you don't have to pay to watch her on TH-cam. They're both great clinical psychologists aiming to bring awareness about this said disorder.
No need to bring down one to praise another - their general purpose is the same.
@@virginiahnjogu1774 Well said. I love Dr. Ramani and she is very genuine ❤️
You described my ex-husband to a tee! I believe he is the cause of our child's depression. I know he was to mine. But he is "perfect" and never does anything "wrong".
Oh my, you just described my father perfectly. It was only when my father died at 95 did I realise I was never going to be good enough. It has blighted my entire adult life has left me socially inept and lacking confidence. Sadly I got married to a narcissist because I learnt to please people to keep the peace. It was an awful marriage that eventually I got out of it. I'm 72 now and finally finding my own path in life and I am free. It was so good to hear all you had to say.
That "What happens to us" overview.. i scored all of them, high five🖐🥴
Thank you from the deepest corners of my inner kiddo. These were the most poignant and caring words i have came across while on my crusade of devouring education on narcissism (my whole life i always easily saw through people, but somehow just could not see the forest for the crooked trees [i.e. incoherent behavioral patterns] when it came to my.. well.. originators. ~3 years ago it clicked and suddenly all the weird angular pieces fell into place making a perfectly clear cohesive narrative. Still trying to understand. Still can't get over it.)
was having a day deep in thoughts at work and came across your video. thank you for posting, i still struggle with coming to terms with my childhood trauma simply because i’m used to blaming myself. your words helped me and it is very reassuring to hear that not only was it not my fault then but not my burden to carry as an adult now. thank you for posting, you helped me a great deal.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and my Mother was co dependent. I can't put into words here al the crap that I went through but learning more about Narcissim that I'm looking at my Father as probably being one. There are traits there that I am seeing in how he was with me and my siblings growing up. I find your videos helpful and glad I found your channel.
me and my father 🥰🥰. still healing from his narcissistic abuse.
Disabled children are sadly very easy targets. They won't stop, until they've crushed your spirit, because they know you can't escape. It's devastating. My mother had a narcissistic father, too. She is a covert narcissist, who hides behind my father.
This is my father and now my husband. I really need to work on myself. I’m starting to and it’s extremely difficult to dig this deep.
Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I enjoy watching your videos. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am Empath . I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children. I always been the black sheep in the family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope God is Love. I been a Christian for over ten years. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I walk away from Narcissists. I stay calm and quiet. It's not worth it to say anything to them since they don't get it at all. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists are liars. Narcissists are broken people
Narcissists never loved us at all
Narcissists dont care about you at all
Narcissists don't know how to love at all
Narcissists always act like they are the victim.
Narcissists are insecure people
Narcissists are pure evil souls from the Devil
Narcissists are fake and phony people
Thank you so much for this video. This hit home 110% for me. My mom and I had a heart to heart 2 hour conversation about my father and childhood today. I’m not sure how to feel about my father anymore. My mother was a victim as well. I’m working on this with my therapist. She says I have C-PTSD and I’m starting to understand this and how I was affected.
I tell ya it all sucks so bad because it is painfully true that it is actually abuse since childhood. Being a parent now confirms it, i could never treat my kids the way i was treated.. Then the terror and horror of it sets in..and finally after your heart is shattered comes the acceptance. After all that hell...the reward is freedom. I report the pain is worth it. Like a wrongfully imprisoned man for his whole life...gets a free pass suddenly. Once you see it it cannot be unseen. It feels like that prisoner's first day free...but you feel that way every day! Absolute freedom is the payoff and it is a worthy reason. Don't convince yourself that you don't deserve to be free and feel like this. I have the key to my own cage that i set myself free with it and so that means... you do too. Where is your key hidden? Mine was in my heart. Learn to trust your own heart and instincts is my wish for anyone watching this video.
This video made me realize how far I've come in my healing and how much work I've done. Sometimes it's so easy to forget when you're still healing.
Thank you for this! I have a lot of difficulty figuring out what type of caregivers my parents have been and how it has affected me, and this helps me a lot to figure it out. My father was angry, neglectful, critical and absent. In contrast, my mother was like a big child who had me as her best friend and, like you said, shared everything about her conflicts and treated me like an extension of herself - She would brag to her colleagues about how good I was at taking care of myself from a super young age (not really my choice, lol), how good I was at saving money, etc, but would be ashamed of my drug issues and criticize all types of small errors like spilling water on the floor, messing up the couch, etc.
omg! messing up the couch! same here! 😩
This is definitely an important topic. Thank you for presenting it. I appreciate that every content creator has a different approach. It adds to and broadens our(the audience) understanding of this complex dynamic. I grew up with a narc father and everything you mentioned rings true. My mother spent alot of her energy keeping him in line and me in denial that there was a problem. After she passed away many years ago, my brother and I spent a long time finally talking and coming to an understanding what we went through. It was cathartic and challenging.
The comment you made about identifying asserting rules/boundaries for yourself that you weren’t made to feel you were allowed to have growing up resonated for me personally but I also see it in so many other people too. It’s a bit like abandoning yourself because you struggle to know when something is ok or not ok, if you’re being too sensitive or when you should have asserted a boundary, it’s like not having the correct frames of reference for worth and boundaries to come in for yourself and advocate for yourself.
I have two narcissistic parents...and I feel as though I have absolutely no "guideline" to what healthy is.
my mom says I used to be such a perfect quiet child until I became stubborn (aka dress exactly how she likes, for example)). she still believes I loved ballet, opera and figure skating SO MUCH. (that was our main time together once a week - always out to see some show/theatre, more like a date). it's so confusing to look back, because the times you feel completely invisible as a person looked like a real celebration.
Thank you. Just seeing this as an adult daughter of a narcissist father. Sure explains alot. The subtle head games mocking me etc.., I also want to learn how to take personal responsibility for my part.. Somehow saying sorry to the people I hurt with my addiction doesn't feel like it's enough.
Thank you for your empathy. I feel validated and understood, and that means so much to me ❤❤❤
I was recovering from a major surgery when I said something my father didn’t like. I don’t remember what it was. He threatened to hit me and he called me names. I felt so powerless. I’ve healed a lot from the years of abuse. I’m still healing. Honestly, I’ve forgiven him but the trauma still has its own effects.
This was really good and I love the simplicity of your approach. Your tone and vibe is very calming and authentic. I left a narc and this is clear and precise. I am thankful my therapist told me they need to know so they can begin healing or have an understanding earlier in life. I'm 40 realizing what in the world npd is. It's mindblowing how they live a life of chaos and all who are involved will in turn be in cycles of chaos. I did NO CONTACT with kids and thank God for wisdom with my court case. Blew him and the lies out of the water and that was the first battle to putting my kids in stability, safety, and peace. Be well!
It’s totally my life now and yet it’s my husband not father. Thirty years of all of your symptoms you’ve read off. You are the one I need to be in therapy with my dear! My name is Kim too!! How neat. Thank you Dr. Kim
Very helpful video. Been unpacking and processing so much of what you have shared. So difficult to regulate emotions feels like having contracted Borderline Personality Disorder following growing up with BPD parents. Thanks so much. One day at a time, its time to be the me I left behind.
I found this helpful. I am struggling with my 3 daughters. My ex is a grandiose narcissist and he was always very detached from me amd my daughters. I did not understand why we all were like an inconvenience to him, a burden, until I learned what narcissism was and all the light bulbs went off for me and I was like omg this is exactly what I have been living in.When I split away from him in 2011 he basically just walked away from our girls like they didn't matter at all and lived his own life. I did everything I could to take care of my 3 girls without help at all from him. Then almost 2 years ago I tried to change around parenting time for our youngest since he was seeing her only 6 hours a week at most. I also had finally decided to date and met someone. He proceeded to smear campaign me. It is like my daughters were brainwashed by him. He has basically rewriting our history. Saying he always wanted to be in their lives and I kept him away from them blah, blag, blah, so many lies. They moved my youngest out of my place while I was at work. They all played a role in his plan to basically try to destroy me. Now my relationships with them are all weird and there have been many situations for the last 2 years that they all lie about involvement. They all tell contradicting versions. They throw each other under the bus. I see a lot of the same kind of behavior in them that mimics him. It scares me he has so much control over them and it hurts so bad to know my girls are in that fog and I can't help them away from him. I want to heal and be able to help them. I have 4 grandsons in the mix that my oldest daughter is basically isolating her 2 sons from me rn. She is the oldest and my ex basically acted like she was his wife and mother to my youngest once I split from him in 2011. It is all very difficult. I need direction for myself. This hurts so bad.
I came here praying that what I suspected wasn't true
Sadly it is. I hope I can work on ways to set good boundaries so I don't get so affected anymore
Thank you so much for such brilliant and eloquent explanations 🧡
Dr Kim both you and Dr Jay Reid have the most helpful, detailed (and clearly, lived) experience on these topics out there. Your empathetic and tireless efforts to help others in this area is such a gift.
I agree with you on the comments about kids figuring out the abusive parent later on. It leaves the kids wondering, if everyone knew how hurtful they were, how come no one said anything? Wasn’t I worth intervening for? To me, that pain compounded the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness. Surely it has to possible to avoid disparaging the other parent while still fighting for their well-being and making clear to them how it’s okay to be treated and how not to.
I really like Dr. Jay Reid, also.
I couldn’t remember his name, the other day, to look up his videos. I’m thankful for coming across your comment, as it immediately reminded me.
Thank you. 🤍
Ive been no contact for four years and he keeps stalking me... Which i find really strange, because he genuinely hates me. But i guess the scapegoat role is not being fullfilled. But everytime i hear from him, it gets to me. Its like a cancer. And then i have to go trough these emotions again. He will forever have a negative influence on me, and its just so awful. I kind of get people who just keep contact, or when you go no contact, make sure you are not to be found. These people dont give up. They DONT change. Thats the biggest thing i can say to other people: they will never change.
Same same same, he gave me silent treatment for 2 years (!!) no answer to happy birthday or merry xmass, nothing. One day I get “I’m in crisis” usual text like nothing happened- wants money of course. In those 2 years I educated myself and turned his silent treatment to my no contact. Since then stalking began - pleading, self-offing threats, next day attempts at bribery, than humiliating comments to get a rise out of me.. Sending common acquaintances after me.. They're all the same person.
Damn, I wish I didn’t know this when I was younger I just self-medicating my whole life smoked weed drank alcohol lived in pointless, sexual relationships with girls always trying to fill the void. I couldn’t do shit right for my dad. I felt like I did everything I could and he minimized everything and discredited everything he would change every deal we ever made. He always came out on top financially and everything controls all the carts everything cause turmoil in my first marriage to finally we divorced. It’s just been a fucking nightmare. I’m gonna roll a joint and smoke it and go to sleep and try to change my fucking life get the fuck away from him.
Ended up on sleep meds and anxiety meds. Then eventually to edibles. I blame a big chunk on him.
The only one that is coming to save you is yourself. At least your not him. Going no contact sounds like your best bet. A little weed is fine bud, and until you are free then honestly super helpful to numb out just to get away. Maybe that's not popular advice but it was how I got through a lot of years wait... maybe there would have been fewer years... or maybe that was the only way I could survive. Either way - you gotta choose yourself and know that in fact you are free to leave and it only feels like he's got some hold over you but it's an illusion that he made up and had used to control you. You don't have to explain anything to him. You deserve a better life and to be happy, healthy and free of abuse! You can do it - keep learning about this stuff and make a plan (a secret plan of course)! Or f it and just PACK A BAG AND LEAVE! Just make it sudden and unannounced, otherwise it can be dangerous legit
Thank you, Dr. Sage for your videos! I really like your openness about your own experiences and your soothing voice. It's very calming. 😊 I think that one of the biggest breakthroughs that I gained from your videos is that it's especially hard to heal from toxic parents when it wasn't always bad and there were times where there was actually good love displayed. I haven't heard that anywhere else but it makes so much sense because this is my experience. This video was excellent and unfortunately describes my father so accurately as well. Thank you for all that you do!
SO glad I found your channel. Thank you for addressing the narcissistic father scenario. This spoke directly to me. ❤
It is such a good point when you say "For whatever reason" because it that is where it is easy to get stuck. No one should be above certain behavior on a normal basis. The Victims have to live with what they cause while The Narcs tell everyone you are crazy and you still don't want to be cruel about them. I feel like I am coming out of a dream.
That sense of self entitlement is something i definitely experienced. I’m still working on being kinder to myself and allowing myself to believe in this newer version of me with out feeling shame to grow and move on.
Narcissistic fathers are truly the worst, moving through emotional and mental abuse has took such a toll but I am glad to say I have come so far and I am so thankful for pages n community’s like this one ❤
The part talking about being akin to a limb or extension of their body hit me like a train. See, I knew for a while my father was likely narcissistic and abusive, as hard as it was to comprehend.
However, he always wanted me to do exactly what he wanted. He forced me to sit and watch the same TH-cam videos as him, that usually didn’t interest me at all. He would often highlight my hobbies in a good light to his coworkers or neighbors- and then turn around to use it as a point of bringing me down if I did something wrong. Any interest or hobby I had was always later attacked or turned against me.
Though, I didn’t realize that it would also apply to my mother- my mother, though I love her dearly and it breaks my heart to say, has always been easily gullible and lies a lot. However, I didn’t realize that her pushing the responsibilities, that she wanted to begin with, onto me… making plans for the future for herself like vacations because she thinks she’ll force me to stay here another 2 or more years- (I am 18 btw) was literally just her using me because I owe them something.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the financial and material opportunities that I’ve had. I’ve been spoiled, mostly when I was a little girl- but I’ve grown to realize it’s the stability and care that I want.. not to be showered with gifts.
Even in the time of writing this I don’t know if I’m second guessing myself or not. There were always moments where my family would be fine- moments where my father seemed to care- I don’t know. I just wish I felt okay.
1000% spot on with the absence unless it’s of value of them.
I remember trying so hard to be seen by my dad as a child and noticed only things he liked I could get his attention.
Thank you for this Dr. Sage. My father is the epitome of everything you describe, and the impact on myself and my siblings has no bottom. He is in his 80's now, and is behaving worse than ever, isolating my mother (who has dementia) and refusing to let family in their home, being controlling, verbally abusive, rageful, and just so cruel in a million different ways, it is hard to describe. As Dr. Ramani said in a video, sometimes we don't truly get peace until they pass, which is incredibly sad to think about, but it is my reality. I'm so tired and worn out of his abuse all of my life. I am low contact, and it is still too much. Thank you for helping us to understand this complicated human condition.
Thank you. Sometimes it feels like no one but my siblings and I get it, but you get it.
I understand this.
My sister and myself have endured this. Luckily for her she moved out with a happy marriage.
Hi Dr Sage, thank you for this video, I'm so grateful for you. I'm in therapy now trying to recover from c-ptsd from narcissistic abuse from my father and even though it feels like narcissism these days is a buzzword, my therapist still doesn't seem to fully understand the repercussions of being brought up by a narcissist. Your videos are so reassuring.
PS I've never mentioned it before but I think your aesthetic suits you so well and I really like your outfits and decor.
I'm in the same boat. My therapist believes that the narcissist "does not know what he is doing", and diagnosed ME with borderline. I would have no problem with it if it would be true, but I did attract borderlines in the past and I am definitely not like them. I don't do push and pull, I do know who I am, and I don't rewrite events like they do. So I stopped therapy.
I am so sorry - I really don't understand why a therapist would not get the impact. I think the only issue is that "narcissist" has been so over used - and at the same time, I truly believe that so many of us have been wounded by other wounded humans...who don't seem to fully get it. Thank you for your kind words and for being here.❤❤
@@Thysta I am so sorry that happened to you, I can't imagine how invalidating that was....sending love.♥♥
@@DrKimSage Thank you. Much love.
I just wish you had more viewers. All your info is amazing. thank you
Thankyou beautiful soul.
I'm just crying i can't imagine I'm going through this! How much more strong do i need to be?
First off thank you so much for your content 🙏 this has been so hard for me not only do I have a covert narcissist for a father but my mother is a diagnosed over narcissist realizing this now in my 40's since I now have developed GAD and CPTSD and that has led me to start healing and realizing it feels so freeing also my ex husband big shock was very abusive in all the ways. I am finally understanding what's been going on. Every video on this subject is like saying and someone finally seeing what's been going on forever 🙏
Please talk about it! Some of us are just finding you and realizing where our disfunction comes from. I didn’t even make the connection about how my behaviors are from that and have no idea how to help myself. You are AMAZING and are helping me have hope that I could heal. 💗💗
I just had a good, cleansing cry... It took me by surprise! Thank you 💕 I feel lighter...
So true❤I am in my 50s now but when i am around my narcissistic father i feel like a child,, at times like his wife or a mate and IT feels so strange.To this day i struggle with autonomy as i was not and still i am not able to be autonomous because he would always come and manipulate us his adult children into giving him money more and more every time .He secretely took lots of loans to never pay them off and they were just inherited by US .My dad is in his 80s now but he did not change at all..... He expects US to care for him ...does not care about our personal wellbeing as he thinks IT equals caring for him and having no life of our own
My husband is a true narcissist! Unfortunately I just realized i! Thank you so much for these videos!
I have this memory of my dad yelling at me for crying calling me a baby when I was like 6. Also another memory when me and my brother were playing a video game and having a ton of fun and he kept on us about how we never did any school work and we were lazy kids. Just ruining good and innocent moments. I don't remember a ton from below the age of 10-11 but I'm glad I don't. He's a terrible person.
Had similar experiences almost every day for years and years... so sad, I'm just wondering how it affects me now. I'm with a narcissistic gf and just now realizing all this narcissism stuff.. didn't educate myself til a few days ago . Now I'm in learning mode, but have no idea how to get out of this relationship.
13:50 the excessive praising part is so right. I feel like there are two main types of narcissists. Those who were over-praised to the point where their sense of reality was skewed and those who had their self-esteem completely destroyed in their youth.
Usually my step dad gets out of mind instead of hand and he’s sooooo irritating to live with! Me and Stryker are glad that they be up!
Thank you so much for this topic. Thank you so much, Dr. Sage. Sending love and support from NYC
You definitely are the best of explaining,I never was able to express this to any counselor, you are so appreciated by us Adults who understand when parents are toxic because it comes with so much pain to admit what your saying is completely true.I went to get help
For years they told me at a young age I new something was wrong and I wanted to fix it.
Unfortunately as a child you can not.So, I was told how much do I have to give to feel loved.
Unfortunately for me it was everything, and so that was a deficit in relationships.I did do well with my children was not going to be conditional and did my very best not to be like my
Parents.I have always been searching for answers but you have to be ready to except the reality s of your parents and to understand why this has such an impact on myself and my siblings,I always thought I refuse to be a victim, I will work more,attain more but inside was the biggest deficit not loving self enough to have value to set those boundaries.Truly
Confidence is so important,It gives you better choices.Im 54now and I want to heal I have the choice to be happy I had to let go of my toxic family that I put too many band aids on.
I relocated very far and it was hard but when you know some triggers you have to let go to heal.i wish I could have identified this trama early on it would have saved me time.im so greatful for your channel all these years all I knew was domestic violence.I feel my search is over no more questions you have solved them, I am no longer confused I see it for what it is.My sibling who was the golden child told me Our childhood could have been better or it could have been a lot worse.When I asked her a few months back she said she was oblivious to it all and she only focuses on the positive.I know where I stand with all my family members and I m ok with it because I understand now, I know to them I will never do enough,be enough.To myself I know better and I'm taking the time to heal because I know the truth,I can have love and compassion for all of them.But I don't need approval to live the life I'm supposed to have.Thank you so much for sharing real truth that is so difficult for someone broken to express the way they feel.
This really helped because I wanted to know the symptoms. Good to know I'm dealing with a narcissist. I'm 41 so I'm well beyond the need to "heal". I need to figure out how to handle this a hole. We're family in the end. He's my business partner and the grandfather to my kids. Dealing with him today left me drained and funny enough I first searched "narcissistic mothers" before I realized she wasn't the problem. This video showed me why I'd think that. Enlightening... mwah!
Wow just listening to you had made me realise what me and the kids have been through. Just dealing with a really hurt teenager who has decided not to see her dad. Not much help out there for teenage girls struggling.
My father wasn't a narcissist. My father wasn't really anything. He just loved my mother and wasn't anything else. She could run riot and there was just nothing from him. Whatever my mother said and did was fine by him. I never had a father
So he was physically present but absent all around 🙃
Thanks for the great content, doctor! You’re a blessing for people in need!
Hi Dr Sage,
Thank you for continuing to share your knowledge and experience in such a gentle heart-felt way.
There are many helpful TH-cam creators that help us identify narcissistic and Borderline traits in others. And you are right. That is valuable as a starting point.
But we cannot stay stuck pointing the finger forever. We, adult children of toxic parents need to truly see our own wounds within the context of origin.
Your videos help bridge that step in healing the narcissistic injury.
Your generosity is much appreciated 💕
My mother is a narcissist and I just found out what the word meant about 10 years. I spent years doing research on the impact of narcissism by someone who claims to be an expert.
You summed up in one what 25 minute video the impacts and what you need to heal which she never did.
You are one of two psychologists I really relate to the other one is an expert trauma and male, patrick teahan.
I took your free course and I've been meaning to purchase your the courses and this video really made me take the step to purchase it. But I won't be available to do it until the winter time.
Thank you for your
this will be with us til the last breath we take . and I have been emotionally and psychologically wounded beyond repair so that should speak for itself !!!!!!!
Narcs destroy people while claiming victim status
Thank you for your video. I have been healing from my narcissistic parents for a year now and have actually managed to heal quite a lot and regain a lot of my self worth.
But I feel like I still have some father wounds and abandonment wounds left that I don’t know how to heal completely. I still see them from time to time like on Christmas but it remains quite toxic despite the boundaries I have now.
I am wondering if a solution is to actually go no contact from them at all… but it’s such a hard thing to process and come to terms with …
We can feel you’ve been there. And that makes all the diference. Thank you ❤
I look forward to your attachment healing course.
Isn't it interesting that as adult individuals, many continue to allow the narcissistic parent to treat them as they did when a child?
I'll admit that it was only after a personal illness that somehow I found the courage to tell my mother that when we were in my home she could not rearrange my furniture to her liking. I honestly think she finally understood that if she continued "taking control" when in my territory/space/home that I would no longer allow her in my life. Unfortunately, her husband (my dad) died, leaving her solo going into old age. The much youngest child frequently gets stuck caring for the old, single Mom!
I always thought mom would just die in her sleep. But she did not! Then what!? I encourage all middle age people to plan with their parents, before old age begins, the late retirement years of the already retired parent(s). A plan must be in place so that all children of the parents share financial responsibility for the last years of both parent's lives. Or is it out of line to request that parents set aside their own funds for later years of life? Wealthy families have Trusts in place; not the rest of us. In reality, life gets MESSY! Unless preplanned.
I'm so sad reading all these comments. I had the most precious Dad but i was married to a narcissist and myself and my adult children are damaged. I am listening to this video to try to help my children find peace in their lives.
wow you're amazing i wish you could be my therapist
Dr. Kim, your work is amazing. I'm so glad I've found you and your channel. Thank you so much for taking the time to put all this out to the public 🙏🙏 it's invaluable and also extremely validating. For years I didn't know what I was going through with my toxic parents. I just knew life was chaotic and full of anger and rage. I never had a right to feel anything. It was such an invalidating experience and a feeling of worthlessness. From my own parents - it's a hard pill to swallow. Thanks to your videos (among many others) I'm finally opening my eyes and I finally feel so validate, heard, seen, listened to - that above all else is what I'm grateful for the most 🙏🙏🙏
My goodness,this touches on my family life to a tee.
Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos, I’m not in a spot where I can leave my household that my narcissistic father controls, but these offer such needed validation. Even though I know I don’t deserve this treatment, it’s so hard to not lean into their words a little and think that maybe they have some credit. But these videos bring me right back to where I know I should be:)♥️
Thank you so much! It is a trauma which is hard to bear at times. ❤
I really appreciate all the wisdom you are sharing Dr. Kim. I just came across your content yesterday and find it immensely helpful. This video however is triggering. I am not a parent and it's in large part probably because of my unconscious desire to break the abuse and unhappiness pattern of my family. There is a lot of its own grief because of loss of childbearing ability. So, it would be good to hear more about how I can heal myself not in relationship to children (in my case nonexistent) but for myself and my community. Thank you!
This was a different take that I personally needed to hear. Thank you for being so clear, caring and concise.
I have never heard a more perfect description of my Father and my relationship with my Father. It’s like you were there. I’ve been trying to explain this to my Mother for the last 30 years.
You nailed it!
Finally talk of treating the narcissist 🎉 my son is my narcissist, I love him and want to help him ☹️
I pray for myself and myself only!
So glad I found your channel. Thanks!
My father and grandmother had to constantly remind and brag to me and my younger sister for years that he paid his child support for years and always made us feel like we owe him/them for that. Even now in our 20s, they still kept up with this behavior along with thinking its okay to talk trash about my mother for years, constantly talk about the past (even about stuff when they were kids thinking it should apply to us kids) and stuff that has nothing to do with the situation when i call them out. My younger sister decided to cut them both out of their life 2 years ago and i did the same this year, especially after they would act like they didnt do anything wrong with my younger sister. My older sister whos in her 30s now i think will eventually do the same, because my dad and grandma will repeat their patterns like they always do.
It's only been like a week but feels like the best decision ive made in my entire life. I'm way less stressed without that kind of narcisstic and toxic behavior in my life.
So glad you said about BPD men being misdiagnosed. BPD always had NPD traits but NPD doesn't always have BPD traits. :)