Sorry I ghosted you, I have ADHD ❤️
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- 🚀 Transform your Morning Routine with ADHD: geni.us/adhd-m...
Relationships are hard, especially if you have ADHD. It takes effort to be present, listen to your friends, and reply to their messages. Sometimes we fail at it, but we don't mean to ghost you, we just have ADHD.
Can we still be friends?
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👋🏻 Hi, I'm Antonia - an ADHD Coach with 4+ Years of Experience 👋🏻
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![[UNCUT] “บอสณวัฒน์” ลากไส้!! ใครหนุนหลัง "แม่ตั๊ก ป๋าเบียร์" I คนดังนั่งเคลียร์ I 30 ก.ย. 67](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QlD7mU2KKRk/mqdefault.jpg)
Wow, this helped me in a way that I wasn’t expecting. I recently lost a good friend unexpectedly to a hit and run. She was a wonderful and extremely caring human being. In fact, every time I visited my hometown it didn’t matter if we had been texting lately, or even if I remembered to tell her I was going, she would always come see me.
Last time I went home I forgot to tell her I was going, but she texted me as sim as she saw I was posting things from back home, came over for a little while and brought me macaroons that her mom had made. It made me feel so special, as she always did. And then 4 weeks after I’m back to my routine I get the news she passed away.
I till this day am filled with regret and guilt for not being a better friend. For not putting more effort into our friendship, for not telling her how special it was that she never judged me for forgetting sometimes. Even without a diagnosis she just accepted me for me.
Thank Antonia for showing the other side, that it is not on purpose, and that people with ADHD definitely do care a lot about the people they love. I have just been diagnosed recently after her death and am learning a lot about why I function the way I do. So, thank you!
My Texting Ritual
Week 1: Receive a text.
Week 2: Realize I didn’t respond.
Week 3: Finally type response.
Week 4: Discover I didn’t hit send.
Ohhh, it's soo stressful that it's just easier to disappear sometimes 😂
I've done that before for someone I was commissioning >.< Though lucky for me, I was gonna check up on the commission anyway, wondering why they didn't accept my idea....aaaand guess who's message didn't send? MINE lmao.
I've also done it with friends, pausing mid reply for hours because I needed more time to think on what to say (rp stuff, or talking about rp ideas) and eventually just got distracted and forgot I was mid reply ;u;
Though I also have OCD, so I tend to check obsessively on things, sometimes without thinking about it too much, compulsions are weird. That or I'm wondering why they haven't replied, or am like "oh did I reply, I should probably reply" ya know....many reasons lol.
ADHD makes your short term memory bad, and OCD makes it almost impossible to forget some things, or just doubt yourself like "did I actually lock the front door? Let me check again" So having ADHD and OCD....is a wild ride lol.
@@Chiller-pc1dvhow are you now?
From someone who has been on the other end of ADHD unintentional ghosting, I promise, we likely will forgive you and understand. We still care too, and a genuine explanation and being honest about it helps a lot.
Other neurodivergent people will likely understand more, such as myself, but neurotypical friends should at least try to understand.
I also have ADHD and have SERIOUS time blindness, I won't know how much time has passed, unless I go out of my way to check, and even then I'll probably forget after.
Though a lot of the reason I don't tend to unintentionally ghost, at least not for super long, is because....I don't have a particularly busy schedule most of the time...and friends are one of my special interests, which honestly not every neurodivergent person is going to be the same and that's ok! It doesn't mean they don't care any less, their brains just fixate on other things...and last time I checked you can't pick and choose your hyperfixations or special interests, no more than you can choose your favorite color.
The classic is: oh, this would take some time as efforr to answer, ill do It later. Then, as i dont have the notification, ill forget It for days or weeks. Until I actually want to talk to that person, to see the mess...
Oh, you're so right! Actually that's probably the biggest reason.. and it's so hard to come back from that situation 😦
The difficult part is it is hard to know whether you have been ghosted due to the adhd like you describe or because they legit want nothing more to do with you and don’t want to have to have the hard conversation/send the difficult message (which also seems like an ADHD trait but that’s an aside).
And as an overthinker I am destroying myself flipping between the scenarios. But I’m concerned about reaching out which would potentially work if it was due to adhd but would be pestering and make things worse if it was just a “I don’t want you in my life anymore” ghosting.
And sending that chaser is scary because it might not be read
(I use WhatsApp which is far worse than text because it removes the potential answer of “wrote a reply and forgot to send”)
The only way you'll find out is through sending the message. If they don't respond to that, you know you're most likely being ghosted.
I know exactly what you mean. Although my friend responds eventually. 6-8 weeks later!
I've had many friends call me a few times in a row out of concern for not hearing from me. At that point the external urgency is there, so I respond right away. And fortunately that usually pulls me into focusing solely on responding to all the friends I missed responding to. Im usually very chatty the rest of the day via text, make a few plans, but then I get burnt out, distracted, or busy, and the cycle continues 😢
Wow, thanks Antonia. Story of my life, I easily made and lost so many friends or pals since childhood and blamed myself for it... I only recently linked it with my ADHD (thanks to my 12 years old son who was diagnosed 2 years ago) but your video perfectly nails it and somewhat soothes my everlasting guilt. So, thanks again !
Don't feel guilty, Christelle! Whoever is worth it should understand and over time as we get to understand ourselves better we can also communicate our issues to those we love. I am hoping that for example one could send this video to a friend and they'd have some more understanding about how our brains function. What's meant to work should work! I wish you the best and I hope you're being nice to yourself!
Hallo Antonia, thank you so much for your kind answer and wise insight. And you're right, some friends, thankfully, did not give up on me...Maybe they understood, intuitively, that I did not ghost them deliberately ? Anyway, I'll try to find the best ways to help my kid navigating these troubled waters (how poetic ! 😊) and your videos are great resources ! Tschùss
Tschùss
I've been where those friends are, and to the friends who deal with problems with unintentional ghosting, I still care deeply about them and videos like this help me to understand a lot.
I too have ADHD, but I don't tend to have this symptom, and a not very busy schedule, so my differing experiences lead to some confusion at first. But apparently this is a common thing, and talking to other ADHD friends about this...they're saying how they understand and relate to these experiences.
Though one piece of advice that may help, is to let people know beforehand that you have issues with this, and so that way they know if you disappear on them, it's likely due to the ADHD and the ghosting is unintentional, and that you'll get back to them eventually.
@@AntoniasUniverse Agreed!
I never thought about this being connected to my adhd (which is kind of funny because I'm well aware that nearly every other chaotic thing in my life is). Thank you for sharing. Grateful to know its not just me.
I messaged my cousin recently who I’d vaguely meant to keep up with occasionally but hadn’t contacted in a decade. I apologised for being bad at keeping in contact and excitedly mentioned working out I had ADHD recently in my early forties and it turns out he got diagnosed with it too so we’ve been chatting about it. It’s never too late to try to reach out to someone.
Stop glamorizing toxic behavior. Stop trying to make disregarding other people's emotions as som "ooops, it was just a cute, honets mistake".
That is absolutely ridiculous. Ghosting is literally mentally and emotionally abusive. I dont care what ur diagnosis is, it just simply is.
If u want people to stop stigmatizing your diagnoses, then STOP glamorizing it.
I'm not saying we should ghost each other and be toxic. I'm saying that staying on top of everything is hard with ADHD. People are forgetting to pay their bills or turn in their homework on time and forgetting to answer a message is nothing different or personal.
That said, if you tell your friends that their behaviour is hurtful to you, they should be able to offer you an alternative or a compromise. Then, if they're just ignoring you on purpose, and they don't want to work on the relationship, it would actually be a good time to move on.
@@AntoniasUniverseI see where @Trackformers is going. It’s very easy for the neurotypical to think like this. I’m neurotypical and I definitely would have had a similar opinion but I don’t. The reason is simple, even though texting and setting meetups are always challenging and filled with signs and responses similar to Narcissism and lack of interest, when we finally get together…it’s always blissful. I always focus on that fact.
It’s just unfortunate that the negative symptoms of adhd have to show up this way
Absolutely yes. I’m adhd one and I never ghosted someone who is important to me. At lest say sorry and explain something fr, or you’ll lose everyone and it’ll be well deserved
I've been researching, a lot, lately on ADHD and just went through the ghosting recently and I am still reeling from the disconnect. Painful and left holding nothing, but a broken heart. Sadly, learning that there are some similar behaviors and traits of those struggling with ADHD mimicking NPD. I had too many in past cross my path in the NPD/BPD arena. I have never been ghosted before and this one truly stings.
Maybe you could call them and try to reconcile? I'm really sorry that you feel that way! I hope things get better and you find your people!
@@AntoniasUniverse well, I also recognize that this particular individual has narcissistic traits. It’s not just ADHD. I’m OK now, but thank you for responding.
@@AntoniasUniverseI'm in the same situation now. Call. Good idea. But she is uncomfortable with "dropping everything I'm doing to take a call, have to prepare myself, have to be texted in advance." So I have to text her to have a phone call. But now she doesn't reply to my text since June 11. I'm afraid she will get angry if I call her.
@@KILLAMANJARO3 Get out, stay out. If u have any self respect, next time u see this bahivour, disengage and don't look back. They will probably not change.
Mine got angry and had me arrested for harassment/stalking after spotting me in MY local park
I know that a few people with ADHD is ghosting people on purpose. Other people with ADHD might struggle on the receiving end of ghosting. Some of us are also really bad at reading between the lines sometimes, some of us are people pleasers, some of us struggle to process having been ghosted, some of us struggle to say no and would rather say nothing, some would think it is better not to say anything if the other person is hurt, while the other person mistakenly think they made a horrible mistake causing the ghosting which they carry around. People can’t know or read each others mind. Sometimes shit just happens and people get hurt and it sucks.
I can’t tell you how relieved I am after watching this video. Just to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this ❤
I feel so terrible about it so often! Thank you for sharing and for letting me know I'm not alone either!
Thanks for making this video! It was never obvious that this relates to my ADHD so much.
I live in constant guilt, that I’m hurting peoples feelings because I cannot keep up with their messages, and attempts to maintain relationships via any form that isn’t face to face.
The constant stress of this encouraged me to move countries.
It makes visiting home incredibly overwhelming, but I think I would rather live with a bit more peace day to day. I can bash out an emotionally intensive comeback every few years. I am confident it will always been a great experience, despite building it up as some horrific nightmare.
Its only been 6 months since my diagnosis so my hope is I can figure out a more personalized relationship maintenance plan
I really appreciate your time spent creating this video :)
That's me to a T. Posting on facebook as a way to apologize to certain friends. Your video shows exactly what happens to me, the process by which I lose people, people lose me. Thank you.
Hi Antonia, I’ve followed your channel because I have friend that has ADHD and I want to be able to understand her better, and I’m curious to know what I should do as a friend to make sure that our friendship thrives. Because although through this video, I’ve learned how difficult it can be for them. I still don’t know how to manage or handle it on my end if that makes any sense I guess what I’m asking is what can I do for my part to make sure that our friendship thrives knowing how difficult it could be for her I don’t wanna give up on being her friend because I really care about them I want us to be friends for a long time
Antonia, this video was really well done! I appreciated the content and the accuracy of such struggles. I always wondered why I was such a crappy texter. I knew it had to do with my ADHD to some extent but sometimes when you try and explain yourself to others, they tend to assume as if it really isn't that difficult... but if they only knew! Thanks again for the encouraging video.
Hey Tony, thank you so much for the encouraging words! It feels so bad to try to explain yourself and catch up every time, but it's also so hard to stay on top of things. I still don't really have a solution, but I'm hoping that through sharing our honest struggles we can at least help our close ones understand. I hope you're doing well and I wish you a lovely week!
But isn’t it a trait for people like this to often be quick to respond? Because responding to a text is a dopamine speaking behaviour.
Well, I guess it depends on the person, but mostly it's just another thing we have to do and if we overthink it it seems like a HUGE task all of the sudden. Especially with constant messages coming in every day. The more dopamine seeking behavior is to just open TH-cam instead :D
@@AntoniasUniverse Agreed, I'm someone with ADHD who tends to reply quickly, but I still do forget and accidentally leave a message unsent or just forget to reply entirely.
but what if they see the meesage. dont respond. then i send them the message again!! they see it. dont respond. again!! then i ask them why they didn't respond. and they dont respond. AGAIN!!!. what does that mean?
Maybe you can call? Sometimes it makes it worse to receive even more messages because you already feel bad for not replying to the others :( Happens to me all the time and I love these people to bits!
What if it's been 2 weeks since we hung out at the mall and movies for 5 hours.. it was the first we hung out outside of our social group on meetup
As a friend i have reached my limit.over and out
I feel you ❤️ it's SO HARD to stay on top of things.
😂 I love the To Do list: Eat. Drink. Toilet. Oh, my ducks are here, I must feed them. .. did I GO to the toilet? Too busy, another time😂
People with ADHD have bad relationship skills are self-absorbed. Don’t think about the impact of their behavior on others and then act like the victim. I do not find them to be good relationship partners.
Oh hey, it's you... Saw you on that one other video... Do you come to these videos specifically to spread negativity and make people already struggling feel even worse about themselves?
I have bad adhd and I have trouble answering messages. I can be scatter brained❤
Omg, my life is completely operated by massive to do lists, a MS OneNote command centre, timers, and alarms. I’ve never been on medication, this is how I cope lol😂
Same, same, same! I know a lot of ADHDers like that! It's just too much otherwise :D
Hi Antonia, I really like your videos. They're fun and interesting and not boring or OTT as some other ADHD channels. Keep up the good work!
Also, with texting friends, I'm so bad. I tend to overthink my response and talk myself out of replying! 😬
Hey Danny, thank you so much, your feedback is SUPER important to me! It's hard to keep it informative and concise sometimes, but I know that that's what our community really needs - simple, direct information, and a bit of fun 😁
I feel like no hack will ever help me respond better than the "do it in the bathroom" it goes like this: you can't do anything else on your phone in the bathroom other than responding to your friends. And still, it's HARD, and I disappear all the time. I feel you
@@AntoniasUniverse hey, that's a good idea... im going to try it! 🧠
What about guys who you declined/"friend zoned", should they reach out to be friendly (not pursue you)?
ditto!!!!!!
but still afraid to tell that its adhd fear friends might think i am making excuses
It's funny - when I was much younger (up to the age of about 23-and 32 now) it used to be so easy to reply to everything anyone sent me, also it felt right. But now as I've been trying to "adult"/more responsibilities/more anxiety/people responding less to me- I've found I do this now. Sometimes it's due to my adhd...but a lot of the time it feels overwhelming or like i'm gonna reply to something that someone won't reply to anyway. I feel like I'm being a bad mate in response to that becoming more normal. So normal these days for people to not respond for months at a time.
This isn't spoken about enough
ahhhhhhhhh this is so relatable, and i’m autistic lol
😅😅😅Ufff my really.
So true...
I used to do this have great chitchat with friends online at some point I just stop responding, I used to think its ADHD but then I realized I'm just a terrible person lol I don't forget I just move on I guess I don't know why I do it I just do.
You're not a terrible person! People are supposed to come and go from our lives. It's only since the invention of the internet that we are holding a communication channel open for hundreds of thousands of others. It's okay to move on.*
*Unless they try to reach out and you hurt them for no reason, which I'm sure you didn't do. It's good to let people have closure if they need it.
@@AntoniasUniverse That's what I thought too! Like ever since social media there's this pressure to keep in touch all the time ya know? why can't we vanish like the people from previous generations and see these people in high school reunions or bump into them outside, well they reach out I just don't respond I'm probably depressed or something lol.
Oh lord. so relatable.
It's such a tough position to be in and unfortunately a huge source of shame for too many of us :(
Lol this happened to me
You're not alone!
Love this...
Thank you so much ❤️
I can’t get through this video, it’s just too upsetting because you’re describing ME and I carry so much guilt around being constantly misunderstood by the people I cherish and love the most. Then I go from feeling guilty to downright distraught, like existentially sad about allll the amazing friends I’ve faded away from who I NEVER thought I’d lose. I think there’s a certain point in time when it’s been *actually* too long that the friendship effectively does die without much hope for reconnecting. I think that for me it was when I saw all my college friends on Facebook having more kids they never told me about because I ghosted them and then blinking my eyes and seeing those babies graduate middle school - yep, past the point of repair!
I have too many stories of loss that are near identical to what happened with my college friends. I suppose that In some cases, it hasn’t been quite so long and I probably could ring a few old friends up…but I need to learn more first because I don’t have much confidence in my ability to explain how exactly ADHD makes me unable to manage my messages and maintain friendships, at least not in a way that they’ll understand, that’s for damn sure…and I really need them to understand.
What has me in so many tears right now is not what I just wrote above - well okay maybe partly - but knowing deep down that I’m never gonna repair those relationships…I always plan to but I never do and I’m so sick and tired of feeling bad all the time that I want to put it all behind me and move on so I can start fresh. Then again, I’ve told that to myself more times than I can count and so I do move on and make new wonderful friends, only to rinse wash and repeat 😢
On a happier note, thanks for the content!!! Really happy to have found your channel 🤩
🥲
Aww
If I see a message and I don't respond within a day? I don't care about the person. If it's a long time friend ? okay and if it's not urgent or does not seem very important? I might be busy? A romantic interested ? Definitely not feeling you at all ADHD or not ?
Well it's different for everybody, I guess. I don't think you can tell if you have ADHD from just one aspect of your life, but based on what you're saying I think you're quite good at responding to people!