Sometimes I glance at people because I think they look interesting and not necessarily because I want to talk to them and I quickly look away because I don’t want them to notice. Like, I think they have a fun character design basically.
That's a fun way to explain it! I like the way you worded that. I often try think of people from random encounters NPCs, it helps me see them generally as benevolent or neutral instead of confusing and anxiety inducing.
@@srldwgbasically, you like the person/s you are associating with, it’s just you don’t know how to always talk to them. You might not understand because the brain works differently but, basically, seeing everyone from a specific thinking/thought process, it’s easier to be one with people. For me at least.
I have an alternate string of events: 1. Stress out extremely to the point you're getting cold sweat. 2. Go through every possible thing she could want from you. 3. Stop breathing regularly. 4. Come to the conclusion, that she wants to use the machine you're currently using. 5. Go to her. 6. Tell her, she can now use the machine. 7. Walk away in a fast, but socially acceptable, way. 8. Never go to that gym again. 9. Start a new life in the outback as fire fighter.
When I find myself engaging in that same behavior (glancing at someone repetitively), it's not because I want to interact with that person. It’s usually because there’s something about them that caught my eye. Like a pretty hair color or nice clothes (that's almost the same to me as looking at a pretty light or the fall colors of a tree), or something that intrigues me about their appearance or behavior. Even if it's because I find them attractive, I generally don't want to initiate a conversation, I'm just happy about the visual sensory stimulation. So if I notice this behavior in someone else, I don't assume it means they want to interact with me. No wonder I can never tell if someone is flirting with me :')
That's how neurotypicals will sometimes act as well, so its not an end all be all to wanting to start a conversation. Often when neurotypicals do it, however, I notice they'll look and then if you look at them they'll quickly look away. Like they're either trying to figure something out about me, or find me aesthetically interesting or pleasing in some way and don't exactly want to interact with me yet.
Yeah, I can think of several possible reasons for subtle observation: 1. They look interesting and I'd love to study their appearance but I'm aware that it's rude to stare and can make people feel uncomfortable. (If it didn't affect the other party I'd be staring a heck of a lot more than I do!) 2. There's something wrong with their outfit or the like, and I'm debating: do they realize? is it deliberate? should I go tell them? I mean "you've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe" is obviously the time to just walk up and tell someone, but others might not be so obvious. 3. They're setting off my danger alert system, and I'm trying to keep an eye on them to determine if they're truly a threat, how likely a threat, how severe a threat, if they're zeroing in on me as a target, if I should take steps to protect myself, etc. Of course, "I'd like to interact with this cool-seeming person but I'm not sure if they'd welcome interaction and I'm too socially awkward to just intrude like that" is an equal possibility, it's just not the only one. I'd also point out that "she doesn't know and can't know" isn't true if she *was* looking deliberately and consciously, and that there's likely some social hierarchy thing about who gets to approach who that's at play and would make this pre-approach tactic more common if they're on the side that "shouldn't" make the first move 😅
@@Arkylie Well I think the problem is that most of the time people don't know why they do certain social cues, and even when they do they probably won't tell you if you ask because that is not a normal thing. And asking (a stranger) about it is one of the "weird" things introverted or autistic people do that will probably make the person change their mind about whatever intention they had with the cue.
It's really important to remember that not everyone follows neurotypical rules, even if you read them at neurotypical. I caused myself A LOT of emotional harm by assuming people were following neurotypical rules.
As a general rule I just always assume the most harmless baseline of things. Like regardless of how forward it is I just think "Ohh they're just being nice. That way my response is generally always neutral and minimal.
I smile at them, then most of the time it becomes more obvious what was on their mind. They either say something and you know what they want, smile back & say nothing, or look away awkwardly bc they were staring involuntary. Only when they’re flirting I don’t get the clues… 😅
@@aaloha2902 I wish I could even learn to smile, let alone say something in such sudden interactions. For example, I always intend to be friendly towards my neighbours living in the same condo, if we meet in the staircase. I always try to smile and greet them somehow but in reality nothing happens. I'm completely unable to let out an audible voice even when trying and smiling is even harder. A couple of times I have actually frightened myself in such situation as by some freak accident I actually managed to muster up an audible greeting. I was scared of the sound even though that was precisely what I was attempting to do. I wonder how could I learn to smile in such situations where the smile is just a gesture an not the result of an emergent situation that genuinely affects me such as hearing a funny joke. I've tried training in front of a mirror but I don't find that helpful.
Even if you read them as neurotypical, they can be neurodivergent....knowing that themselves or not. Maybe they are pretending to be comfortable looking at you.
I think social interaction is kinda like building an invert pyramid, you start small and keep adding bigger and bigger. If you invest heavily without building a proper base the pyramid will collapse. When you start with small effort you are minimizing your own risks and simultaneously minimizing the social pressure for the other person. When a good base has been laid you can gradually increase the effort as long as you don't hurry so the "social concrete" has time to dry and solidify, this is very important since every interaction causes stress, no matter how positive. Too eager people are atypical and thus scary.
Another possible option: she thought you looked familiar and was trying to remember where she saw you from (or has an acquaintance with someone who looks very similar to you). Just a thought
For real I've given people the triple take, is that Blank? No, wait is it tho? Most of the time I go around with face blind goggles and pretend that everyone else is too, trying to lessen my anxiety about being perceived.
With things like this I'll always assume that nothing was meant by it because nothing would be more uncomfortable than initiating a conversation from something that wasn't meant
I want to share an insight that has come to me since my ASD discovery, one that maybe will prove helpful to others. The ASD discovery and its tsunami of insights came very late to me in life (65), and I like to think that perhaps something I say here might help much younger people and spare them decades of useless anxiety. Because of this discovery I have a new, dare I say miraculously new, freedom to do certain things simply because I want to, I need to, they are what works for me, and I no longer need to allow that inner visceral "clutch" of self-doubt, embarrassment, guilt, disorientation (wait, what, there's something improper about this?), when others question me with a tone vaguely bordering on ridicule ("Why on earth would you do that?", "That's silly, you don't need to do that," "That's a waste of time and money," "Oh, I would never do that; here's a much simpler way," etc.). For instance, I am now en route from a city in Country A to a city in Country B. I could certainly do the entire trip in a day...a very long day...with one change of trains, and also the bother of passport control, long lines.... That prospect--doing the whole thing in a day--always, viscerally, horrifies me. Instead, I go to a city near the Country B border where I stay in a hotel for a night, then take the next train into Country B the next day, after a good night's sleep, a leisurely breakfast, a reassuring re-pack of my things and reorientation to the new day's journey. I NEED it, viscerally, psychically (i.e., "existentially"). The standard reaction when I tell people I do this is that I'm doing it the least efficient way, wasting money, "Why, don't you know you could already be there in nine, ten (maybe 11) hours and save yourself a whole's day's travel and hotel costs?" Somehow what they seem incapable of registering is that, to me, that sounds the same as saying, "Why, don't you know that instead of that ham sandwich you could chew glass?" But I've never been equipped, that is, until my ASD discovery, to understand my preferences, my NEEDS, as anything but childish, foolishly impractical, self-indulgent, etc. And so I'd stammer and hem and haw about how, yeah, I guess it was silly of me, or, oh, I didn't realize I could have done it all in one day (but I did, so that's a very uncomfortable white lie, which feels like a betrayal of my authenticity), or, "just call me crazy, I guess!" (ha, ha). Whatever it takes to just get them off my back. But now I'm free. I don't have to justify, explain or, heck, even TALK about my plans, choices and needs with anybody else if I don't want to. Or if I do get confronted about my apparently wildly unorthodox behaviors (staying a night in a hotel, right up there with swallowing live frogs, I guess), I now feel this wonderfully new liberating freedom (yes, I know, tautology, but still...) to just say, "I know, but this is how I like to do this, it's better for me mentally." End of discussion. I'm debt-free, I owe nobody the least attempt at justification. There is nothing TO justify. I will do what I need, want, to do. And as for wasting money, I dare say that my few indulgences, like a night in hotel, fade in comparison to a slew of things that the people with the helpful advice spend all kinds of money on that I never would. And anyway, it's my money, and my time. I'm not keeping the King of England waiting, for Pete's sake, so lighten up. 😏
Very well put! Thank you for sharing. We all need to do what works best for us. I've avoided the shower for years, bit only because of the overstimulation, but because it seemed Soo difficult and time consuming. Now, i separate washing and drying my hair from the actual shower. I'll do one at a different time or the next day and that has been life changing! So glad to hear that you are doing what works for you and that we need not explain ourselves... Especially at our age! 😉💜
I've always preferred making my travel in segments. It took me a while to realize that for business travels accross multiple time zones, it's best to arrive e.g. on Saturday to have the Sunday for recovery and adjusting sleep rhythm. In general, I do things my way and if somebody is wondering, I've just said somehing along the lines of "this works better for me" (I've only recently discovered being on the spectrum, so it's not even because of that). It is still strange that neurotypical people often make the claim that people on the spectrum have no empathy, while they are the ones more often not understanding why other people might want to do things differently than they. Isn't the core of empathy being able to imagine yourself in somebody else's shoes and not the other way around?
Not to be dramatic, but this made me cry Several years ago, I got diagnosed with social pragmatic communication disorder. Social cues have always been very difficult for me. Growing up was extremely confusing, because no one would ever explain anything to me. “You’ll figure it out.” But I never did. I’m very open about it now, and I have a couple people I feel comfortable asking to explain things that are “supposed” to be basic understanding. I tend to view social cues like an anthropologist with an internal field notes I’m turning 40 next year and this is the first time I’ve ever not only related to a situation, but also guided on how to interpret and interact with it. I can’t describe how much that means to hear something like that Thank you so much! I’ll be watching more of your channel
I'm not neurotypical, but I often use this type of behavior (brief eye contact paired with a smile) to demonstrate openness to interacting. Usually when I am trying to seem approachable at work or when I'm trying to flirt. It seems to work pretty well
I do this just to not seem rude. I've been under the impression that it's a bit rude to not acknowledge another person's existence in close quarters, like passing by in a low traffic hallway, or rude not to smile when you've made eye contact (even if accidental). I find most people don't say or do anything when you make eye contact and smile, but maybe I have a very obviously just-being-polite smile, which is honestly what I'm going for anyway.
@@MKisFeelinSpicyI also do that in order to not appear rude. In elevators, it seems common to do a bare minimum of acknowledging that the other person exists, then intentionally move your gaze away and shift your body language to something less open. Sometimes if I’m having a rough day and can’t bring myself to smile, I’ll do a little nod instead. Or if my attempt at a smile comes off as more of a grimace, I’ll do the nod thing to make it clear that my awkward facial expression isn’t meant to communicate anything negative about the other person. As an American, it’s also my habit to, after acknowledging the other person, to move away from them as much as the space allows; I heard that that is standard American behavior but it not standard all over the world. Apparently this cultural difference shows up in restaurants where people can seat themselves, and some places everyone spreads out, while in others they pick tables near other people. (Reading about cultural differences is a great way to learn about what behaviors are normal in your own culture!)
As someone who is also autistic, I can say what you say here is soooooo immensely helpful. I wish I'd known some of this long ago. My own 'mistakes' in these kinds of situations is that I would attempt to over-analyse the situation, rather then actually move forward (in any way). I would usually sort of freeze and not be able to act, largely because I was caught up in my speculations, as well as attempting to predict what might happen if I were to act in a particular way, etc. Consequently, nothing would happen. Frustating, indeed. Anyway, I find what you say here quite helpful, cheers!
i could usually get all the way to the “what do i say?” part, and then just freeze up. nothing interesting to say, nothing that I would classify as an acceptable ice breaker, and then recently I learned, it doesn’t really matter if it’s good or not, as long as the delivery is genuine. even if it’s goofy. Actually, if it’s a bit goofy that’s usually good because it can make them laugh, and that is the best way break the ice
I like your advice here. I think it's helpful and freeing to take the view that there is no set script or 'right' response, even for NTs. Social interactions involve giving ppl the grace and space to connect or not, depending on what their comfort level is.
What... I still don't understand why people don't just talk to each other. Who takes conclusions out of several 0.5 seconds of semi eye contact... And why would they think that I understood that...
It’s because even when speaking a lot of the meaning of communication is conveyed non verbally. For example in a script any one line could have many different deliveries or subtle non verbal cues completely changing the subtext. Of course this Can make it very difficult to pick up on the exact meaning of what people are saying but it’s often decent effective for those familiar with it. there are plenty of reasons why someone might not want to directly talk to a stranger. For example social gender expectations that men should initiate interactions with women might make a woman hesitate to speak, or Vice versa a man not wanting to disturb the peace or comfort of a woman who may feel unsafe if he were to approach first, it could be social anxiety, someone not knowing what to say, or simply admiring someone from afar but already brushing off the idea they’d have any chance. It could also be someone doesn’t realize how much they are staring, that it is partially subconscious attraction, or simply the desire to keep safe by subtly inviting someone to interact which reduces the chance of facing open rejection or humiliation.
@@maxhanesworthOFFICIAL I wonder how many relationships never started because of these borderline futile kinds of social interaction... And how many people got hurt thinking that the other person didn't want anything with them when they didn't even notice. What a waste
Parents need to teach their kids to be forward and direct and just talk to people. Of course, many of those parents grew up in households were you couldn't be honest or direct. You danced around people's triggers and never talked openly about problems. Those parents as adults can't teach their kids to be direct because they don't know how to do it themselves. And the cycle perpetuates.
Most people don't do things that make sense, they just have instinctual behaviors like animals. If you asked them why they'd probably tell you they had a "gut feeling" or they just wouldn't be able to answer you at all. People like you or me were born without whatever mechanisms grant these arcane impulses, so we must rely on reason to motivate our actions. Beneficial in some ways, but mostly a handicap in a world filled with irrational actors.
One social cue that I have a hard time understanding is that throughout much of my adult life, random strangers would often gawk at me as if I am an alien from outer space or a strange creature like Bigfoot. And I could never figure out why I was often being gawked at by strangers whenever I was out in public, since I've always felt that I looked and acted normal.
Sorry to disappoint you, but they're probably gawking for a reason. You probably look or act unusual in some way. Ask friends and family what they think is the cause, and then you can decide whether trying to fit in better is a worthwhile endeavor for you. Or, you know, just assume that you're too hot to handle and leave it at that *shrug*
You're either gorgeous, or unusual, or you have the remains of a hastily eaten chocolate cookie all over your face, as one of my colleagues once realised after flouncing through a shopping mall. 😂 Not looking or acting normal isn't always a bad thing - for whatever reason, you stand out. As long as they keep their mitts to themselves, you're good.
Very clear. Very helpful. Thank you. I'm an old woman now, but I remember complaining to a woman friend when I was young that no one ever seemed to want to date me and I asked her advice as she had men interested in her all the time. She said eye contact was important. I replied I had no problem with eye contact and didn't avert my eyes when I met an interesting man. She then said, "yes, but I'm talking about normal eye contact, not drilling a hole in their forehead with your eyes the way you do." 😄
As a human who has been watching interactions my whole life, I find this to be true for the good majority of interactions that look like the one described. Either they are open to talking to you and have some form of interest, or you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe and they are too shy to mention
Oh that's going to make me wonder if I have toilet paper on my shoe, or some other embarrassing thing, if I don't see it. Please NTs, tell me, I don't need to stick out more 😅
@@scruffypupperI had a moment almost like that whilst queuing up for Holy Communion. My skirt was coming unzipped at the back, but luckily I was wearing grey tights so there wasn’t a whole lot to see.
definitely relate- my first thought wouldv'e been to check my appearance (something on my face? stuck to my shoe? unbuttoned?) and then my second would've been "oh maybe i remind her of someone who she hasn't seen in a long time and she's trying to figure out if i'm that person"
me and my husband dated for 2 years before he told me thats what was happening. i didnt know they were dates so i kept inviting my friend to go to the movies with us 😭 hes very patient.
How long have you known he was your husband? Did he tell you two years into that relationship too? After he got tired of you inviting your friend into the house? XDDD
I would've assumed she was looking at me because there was something wrong with my clothes, or I was in her way and she was hoping I would move, or something like that. I would have assumed that if she wanted to talk to me she would just do that herself.
This was an interesting topic. When I’m out in public I kind of just try to look at the floor or the wall, and if someone tries to talk to me I’m always really surprised. One interesting thing you mentioned though was the question of whether she was flirting or not, and that the answer didn’t matter. As someone who is 35 (and autistic and ADHD) and is certain no one has ever flirted with me in my life, it sure would be nice to have a way to know someone’s intentions when they interact with you! I’ve been told it’s impossible that no one has ever flirted with me, but it does seem plausible to me. 🤷🏼♀️
I think it is highly unlikely people aren't flirting with you on the regular. Having said that, my aspie brain also cannot tell when people are flirting with me. I can tell, I think, when people are flirting with others though, so...
That's interesting, thinking "they're open & interested in talking to me..." that absolutely never would have occurred to me if someone was just glancing at me intermittently. I'm not autistic but I do have a personality disorder that impedesy understanding of social cues, but whereas I think autistic people tend to not see cues at all, I see cues where there are none, mostly of a negative character. When people look at me for too long or too often I assume either that there's some problem like a stain on my shirt or something on my face, or that they recognize me, but I don't recognize them, but they think I do & that I'm snubbing them, or more generally that they just think I'm ugly or unpleasant somehow. I might have gone my whole life never having started a conversation in such a context bc I wouldn't have thought of it as an option! Ironically now that I'm thinking about it I realize I do the same thing, the most I will do to try to initiate an interaction with someone is to glance at them a few times. Funny how I never thought sonebody else could be doing the same thing
Thanks for this video, I have lost myself so much due to these social misunderstandings over the years. Depression creeped up and I lost more and more friends each day… Now I’m 24, ripped body and all that, and lonely as fuck. Girls smile at me everyday but that voice constantly tells me (and I’m convinced) they are gonna reject me for my ‘weirdness’… I often feel like everyone hates me. Because I fuck up a lot due to my social differences. I prefer to stay alone. People suck so much sometimes.
I am a decade older than you, and what you explained heavily matches my circumstances, when it comes to being social, social interactions, and definitely interacting with women. I constantly feel like girls do not like me at all it’ll matter if they slightly try to smile, or even take the initiative to talk to me. in cases where they do it doesn’t last long, and I feel they get turned off and start avoiding me in many ways. I’ve been dealing with this all my life and I have gone through social skills class watched TH-cam videos in the counseling in have listen to with so many others have told me, but yet I’m still in the situation and it is a very rough place to be. I don’t trust anyone completely anymore and prefer to work independently due to everything you described.
Holy cow, I think you and I are clones mentally. I also have a strong psychology and "understand complex systems" passion and this is nearly identically to how I interact with the world. The issue I have with a lot of interactions is that I will interact mechanically how you described, but I have hard time caring until I have built some rapport with the person. Luckily I have been married to my wife for over 12 years now so it's not a problem anymore in terms of dating! We discovered like 2 days ago we're probably both aspies and a lot of things are beginning to make sense under that lens. Videos like this help show which parts of our lived experiences indicate which personality/neurological/mental health things come from what conditions (if any), and I am grateful!
I do love this format. Breaking down nonverbal cues to help us better read people. I know a younger version of me would of definitely appreciated this, and even now its interesting to check if I'm keeping up. Luckily, I tend to be pretty outgoing and friendly on the surface level, but that came with much practice with strangers at work. Building rapport and making them feel more satisfied with our interaction. Some people, from the comments they left me, seemed to genuinely appreciate my efforts.
OK, this might explain why I've had random people stop me on public footpaths to talk. I thought it was an older person thing, all of them likely exceeding retirement age while I was grammar school age and just after, and I just thought they might be lonely or something wanting to just talk to anyone they meet, so I just stood and listened when it did happen. On a long straight path when walking towards each other, I never know where to look. I need to see where they're going so not to end up dancing left and right in time with each other (which has happened too many times (for comfort) as well), but I don't want to be staring them down for 30 seconds or more until we're past each other. I'm in the UK, so it's polite to say hello or smile on passing, and again, I don't know at what point to do that so not to be forcing a smile for too long either, so I look for them to initiate it while I plan to leave it quite late so it's just half a second or less of an awkward lip-tightening with a nod. This means I tend to glance at them a few times between looking at the path or some other surroundings, which as you've just explained, is, to a neurotypical, an invitation to start talking. I've had too many people seemingly randomly try to talk to me when I wasn't prepared. :)
Thank you so much. This explains much of why university was so lonely. You have helped me to understand that I'm not just "weird" or "crazy" but am simply different. Again, thank you for doing this service for all of us.
It’s so much easier when you’re old. No one looks at me unless I look at them. Or, I remind them of their mother, sister, cousin and that’s why they are looking.
I remember thinking everyone had a sort of secret sense, like psychic hearing or sight and I just couldn't hear or see it. I thought it was an evolution thing like how we can see air but not water because air is out natural atmosphere, we don't need to see it and fish don't need to see water. I called it being third eye blind, which was GREAT for my paranoia when the band came out in the 90s 🙄 It wasn't until my 40s when my wife said "I think you might be a little autistic" and we started exploring what that means that I realized that "psychic" communication WAS sort of that; not psychic but a sense that almost everyone else had developed but I hadn't. Just subconscious social cues some of us have to learn to see. We still can't see air but we can learn the clues telling us a strong gust is coming before it moves past us.
Most of the time they don't even THINK about it, they just get it right. It's when it's extremely subtle or easy enough to confuse for another one do they even acknowledge them to parse it out themselves. There is LOTS of videos about body language and flirting for example, but almost none about emotionally driven facial expressions (that aren't geared towards us neurodivergent people or dry base reference material for research). We had to watch and match ours CONSCIOUSLY even for some "basic" ones as small children. When our peers were past that point already and instinctually understood and copied as babbling infants. Even if we hit other developments earlier and more thoroughly, like speaking full sentences as a toddler or walking much earlier. Very little of it could be imprinted instinctively, we had our base ones and our brain and are stuck working around that....forever.
Doesn't everyone worry if they're looking too much into things and then decide to just mind their own business instead? Also 5:57 I would not believe that to be true. If it happened to me I'd think that she maybe noticed something about my appearance that caught her attention, maybe in a good way maybe in a bad way, but something probably just caught her eye. I would never consider that to be a signal of being interested in interacting, and it seems a bit bold and possibly rude to assume it is- I have seen nothing to prove that this is the real meaning of that behaviour, and I barely notice anyone doing it, so I'm inclined to think that you'd just end up being rude if you assume this is what that behaviour means.
All of this here.. I absolutely have before and continue to assume it was a harmless interaction that needs no further action. Maybe that means I miss out on a lot but the fact is I don't know and I don't want to inflate the situation, especially into something its not.
This probably varies with local culture too, if you live in a place where strangers talk to each other a lot she probably won't be offended even if she doesn't actually want to talk. If it's NYC she might tell you to eff off
I stopped the video there and came to the comments looking for comments mentioning what you described. I also don't know at all. How the hell would I know that means she wants something. Made me think that maybe it could make sense to make a list of things what eye contact can mean in public spaces, so we could better assess it. Like that would be a real social training to go through that, listen people talking about it, etc. So next time I could have a better idea what other cues to look at or what can I do to figure it out. But generally I just get anxious in these situations, even more so if I think it might be a form of positive communication as I won't be able to reciprocate or make much of the situation because of anxiety and all. I hope it will change though, I've felt a few times a sort of general social safe recently, likely due to progress in therapy.
I think Paul said that you should NOT assume that's what the glances mean. But they do give you a chance to say something to the person. You could start by saying something like, "Hi! Have we met before?" Then from the response you decide whether to take the conversation up one more little step. If that's what you want to do. You do have the right to say nothing if you don't want to engage with the person.
Most people like to tell about things they enjoy doing well. Say something nice 11:48 and not untrue as a conversation opener. “That’s an interesting book; nice pair of shoes, funny t-shirt; etc. Then ask, “What things do you enjoy doing well?” Then, 11:48 pay attention with friendly eye contact if the stranger opens up and tells you what they like to do. Don’t talk much, but occasionally make a remark showing you are interested in their story. Practically everyone has a story to tell when they realize you are interested.
About Fact #3 unconscious communication, me being aromantic, I wonder is autism is reducing ones unconscious brain functions. So we have to do a lot on purpose, in my case including flirting. I have to think about and make a plan to actually say hi to someone. Something which works automatically for NTs.
Am I the only subscriber who can't deal with the "pops"? They drive me absolutely crazy! About 3 minutes of them and I have to go to another channel and miss out on SO much great information.
I remember a funny situation that happened about a zillion years ago when I was in high school. I was having an interesting and animated conversation with a female classmate (I'm male). When it concluded, a buddy who was nearby the whole time said "Man, she was really hitting on you." I had no clue. I have called myself Captain Oblivious for many decades, and most of that time was before my diagnosis (ASD and ADHD). Now, since my diagnosis, I know why.
What an exaggeration. I can guarantee you that 95% of the time you don't even know that you read the cue and you read it correctly / functionally efficiently
A couple of years ago I learned about “Guess Culture” v “Ask Culture”. You are speaking then about guess culture? I SOOO prefer ask culture when it’s polite! Especially when I was young, working & had children! I was overwhelmed & my brain had NO space to expend upon guessing on cues. Having people just say what they meant was (& remains) so wonderful. I now surround myself with people who do this. Life is more relaxed & pleasant.
@@よしみ-x5j Maybe in day-to-day life, but when the question is "Is this person flirting with me?", it's just as hard work. Because people who are flirting are generally trying to protect their own feelings as well in case you don't reciprocate, so it's a very cagey dynamic.
Once on a train a man held a book in front of his face but kept staring sideways at me. Then I saw his eyes went in 2 completely different directions...:-)))
Sometimes I think it can also be positive, that I don't pick up on Things, because I don't get that someone is underlying rude, but because I stay polite I get better results than my collegues 😂
I usually make the first move by quickly accessing my mental hard drive of tried and tested 'witty conversation starters' before my cpu brain has chance to overthink the situation and crash the drive.
Recently another woman in a parking lot noticed that I looked at her a little longer than required. I shared with her that I was thinking how much she looked like my sister.
Hi, loved this video and how you break it down. But that advice only works if the other person is nice and has good intentions. As a woman that situation with a man things can get pretty dangerous, whether or not i respond.
In todays society women go out on the town with their friends, walking home drunk in every city in America, and they do not have a care about "something dangerous" happening to them.Why? Because women are that safe and untouchable in todays society. Women are so absolutely safe in modern society. That instinct that you are "not safe" was primed for the past couple millions years of evolution. A women can make any false allegation and wreck the mans life. You are more of a danger to the man than he is to you.
In society I am usually oblivious of people. I don’t see glances. I don’t try and analyse glances. I am sure that I am approximately 30 to 40% face blind. If I haven’t seen somebody for more than 2 years and have to meet them at the airport I would be terrified that I wouldn’t be able to recognize them. Some people I (almost) instantly forget what they look like. And if I was quizzed “you know that woman we met at the market” or “you know the next-door neighbour”. I would be shocked out of my shoes because I wouldn’t be able to recognize them in a line up. If I find strangers looking straight at me. It makes me feel physically sick. Children staring at me makes me feel very uncomfortable even though I can reason that they are unaware of their actions. 30 years ago my bestie told me. “Men often stare at you.” I was shocked. What men? Where? What are you talking about? She meant men “liked” me. I do however know when a ‘predator type’ man stares at me. That has served me very well. I know when to get away and not feel bad about treating that person badly. Good luck with that new ‘introduction’.
Even if someone keeps giving me brief glances because they're interested in interaction, they still need to give me some reason to care about their existence. If you know nothing about me except what I look like and I know nothing about you except what you look like then we have no reason to interact. The main reason I repeatedly glance at someone is because they look familiar, but I cannot recall who they are or why I might know them. I'm not interested in communicating or interacting with the person; I'm just trying to jog my memory to answer a trivial question. Often it's not actually someone I know; their appearance is simply reminiscent of someone else.
The one thing I've learned about social cues is that I will always, always be wrong. Thus, I ignore all social cues and just be myself and do my own things. That's not to say that I dont follow any rules, I follow all the good rules of manners and etiquette that I have been able to find, but if I feel like talking to someone, I talk to them, regardless of whatever the world and my body tells me about what could happen if I do so. If things go wrong, I walk away. No harm no foul. Better luck next time. Ive had a lot of good conversations this way, but Ive never made any friends, so its clearly an imperfect technique.
This is so relevant rn for me 😂 I'm a woman and I've been interested in a guy at my gym. We make eye contact but he hasn't come up to talk to me. I've been confused if I've misread his signals or if I've not really been making enough signals to him. I want him to come talk to me first, but the NT way girls are supposed to send flirty signals without ever talking is very difficult and confusing. Like how much eye contact is too little versus too much to show that Im interested in a guy?! I've concluded that I just have to talk to him first, which is what i do with most guys, because being direct and clear and telling him I'm interested is so much easier than worrying if I'm misreading everything and waiting for the man to make a move. Of course this brings up the fear of rejection, but it seems like the lesser of 2 evils 😅
Absolutely, talk to him. As stated in the video, you really don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m starting to realize that 80% of the time it’s just fear and the need for emotional safety that’s holding us all back from potential connection.
@drsloan I commented this 6 months ago 😄 I did end up talking to the guy and was direct with him. He told me he had a girlfriend, which was disappointing at the time, but I was happy I was brave and got a clear answer and didn't have to stress anymore. It was easy to move on from that crush. I asked another guy out since then, who said yes, but wasn't successful in the end. Overall, making the first move as a girl made my life so much easier and less stressful. It also made me realize how important direct, clear communication is for me and my future relationships 😊
@@abbyswanson3890 Oh that’s great to hear! Yeah, sometimes guys (like me) just look or even flirt with a friendly person. There may be no intention, aside from the pleasantness of it. Or there may be! Half the time we don’t really know what we’re looking for until we find it! Lol
Can you do a similar video about vague negative interactions? I often have this uncertain feeling that someone is nonverbally telling me they’re unhappy, but I never know if it’s directed at me, or how to address it. I’ve tried asking directly but that’s not always appropriate apparently
Fact 4 really got me, in these kinds of situations I start obsessing why this person could be glancing at me, do I have something on my face? Do they want to talk to me? Was I accidentally starring at them? Should I go over and talk? I really got to remember, it doesn’t matter, it’s really no big deal, certainly nothing worth panicking over!
I will always interact with you, Paul. I always make time for anyone. I’ve had some strange neurotypical glances by other people levelled at me. I am nonplussed.
This is why I hate alot of those other videos about body language that has some expert saying that they can read what a person is thinking. It's totally bias and often already based on what you think you know about the person. More often than not, it does not mean anything because the person doing the thing doesn't even know what it means.
No wonder guys always think I'm flirting with them. After being scolded so many times on making eye contact and smiling, because otherwise I supposedly look mean.
I gave up on this during school - look mean while minding your own business, get bullied. Smile and try to look approachable, same result so I was in a no-win situation. Your mileage may vary though.
I can’t tell you how many times a guy probably thought I was flirting (even though I’m gay lol) bc a a femme non-binary neurodivergent I used to often attempt eye contact when masking at my job but can’t bare to sustain it so it ends up as a fleeting glance or two and then I never make eye contact the rest of the interaction. I don’t even try now which has its downsides like being perceived as rude or disinterested. I’m also oblivious to being flirted with except my body seems to unconsciously detect it and my nervous system sends me into fight flight immediately. Fun times. (sarcasm) I am very intuitive and detect everyone’s energy that gets close to me. It’s exhausting. But I have a hard time identifying/labeling it and sometimes differentiating mine and theirs bc I physically feel theirs too. Learning to read subtleties and understand social cues is massively helpful so thank you for sharing this! And to think I was only diagnosed two years ago at age 31!!
wow, this is such an eye-opening video! Normally when I catch people looking at me I feel threatened and get internally ready to react negatively. I neither think about past scenarios (like whether in the past people who looked at me were in fact hostile or not, answer is no) nor do I think about what is useful to know or not (so I just get. bogged down in all the things I don't know, and as you beautifully explained can't really know because other people very often don't know). Anyway that's just to say many thanks (I am going to watch the overexploiting video too 😊)
I can just look at a person and this giant chain of thoughts can begin. 🤣🤣 I am also autistic, but I feel absolutely indifferent about people's behavior, “cues” and reactions.
Thank you for your video. I am excited that I stumbled across your video. I have recently became aware of social ques and body language. Despite years of research and social testing, I find myself still struggling to understand this new form of communication. Your video really helped me. (Subscribed)
Yes pls. Maybe even a list and a flow chart we could follow. I'll keep it on my phone next to my other lists that I have handy for when anything confusing or complicated pops up.
Thank you so much. Still figuring these kind of things out at 47, even while I’m pretty experienced in communication, this resonated, gave me new insights and realizations.
I always just smile when I’m in a situation I don’t understand, and will maybe look into their eyes for about a second. Personally, I would just ignore a keep on doing what I were doing (and maybe check if I got something on my face 😂). It’s too much of a hassle to think about neurotypical social cues 😂 After I was told to smile when I greet people, it has become my go to way to interact in situations I don’t understand. With variable success, but more successful than when I didn’t smile. Maybe it’s because my perceived gender is a woman (people will more often receive you as crass, angry or just not nice if you as a woman won’t smile or use a soft voice), I don’t know.
When I glance at people there are a few different reasons: 1) I think they are handsome/pretty and looking at them simply makes me happy/i want to watch them 2) they have an interesting outfit on. can be interesting in a „good“ or „bad“ way, as in it stands out to me positively or negatively 3) I am trying to figure out if they are okay, because they seem to behave in a weird way, like hold their head or topple over etc 4) I am trying to figure out if I know them, although this usually doesnt take too long 5) Or for example i need something they are standing in front of, i am waiting for them to move or do an action and i dont want to verbally tell them yet, so im just glancing for a while :D This was fun to think about! Im also neurodivergent and love thinking about why I act certain ways, its very interesting! Your channel is awesome! Ill keep watching more :)
You are brilliant Paul!!! To know all this! I never did, & wish I had when I was young (I'm 76 now). It is/was different if yr a woman. I never knew how to flirt. In the 1950s & 60s, girls were never supposed to make the first move, that was too forward. You had to wait for the man to speak & ask you out for a drink. I often spoke to men & said I liked them, & frightened then off! Result - not many dates!!!!!
A scene in the movie "Imitation Game" has a scene that describes the 2 second glance. It's often a flirting tactic which invites a person to come over and initiate conversation. The scene occurs about halfway thru the movie in a pub the characters visited.
Good stuff. No one talks about this stuff. You would think someone would address in regards to interpersonal relationships in general and also romantic relationships. I think many people need help with social cues. Especially the slightly Autistic adult.
I loved this video. I was actually laughing a lot because I'm new to autism and it was like listening to the inside my own mind - hyper-rationalizing social scenarios and breaking them down like a math equation. I make fun of myself for doing it all the time because most people would think it's crazy. Anyway I enjoyed it a lot and please do more like this.
At a time in my life when it really mattered I didn't have a clue. I still don't and probably never will. I remember one encounter at a party - I was in the kitchen to get a beer from the fridge and struck up a conversation with a woman which carried on for nearly an hour. Because at that stage I was so clueless after some previously failed interactions I more-or-less left the party and that was that. A friend later told me that she actually wanted more than an interesting chat and that after I left, "she ended up with someone else". Which pretty much sums up my social life and failure to promote the cause of my species. One thing that always preyed on my mind should the "impossible" actually happen was the dread of having to ask about contraception since I did not wish to accidentally become a father with yet another responsibility added to the list.
When I get a gift from someone, I take it and always say “thank you”. When NT people get gifts from me, they take them and say “oh, you shouldn’t have worried, it’s not necessary” I never got this “game of words” while taking gifts 🎁
I think this comes from anxiety. Many people have hang-ups when it comes to presents. Like, not feeling worthy, suddenly feeling anxious because perhaps now you want to start a gift-giving relationship and this is a surprise and has caught them unprepared, embarrassed by not knowing if it's better to open it immediately or wait until later and babbling to cover it up, etc. Even NTs are messes when it comes to getting presents.😅 There are many nuggets of wisdom floating around to help people take a compliment, or take a present, graciously. And the ideal is to do it the way you do it, so well done!
@@steffenirgens7022 I'm sorry that's been your experience. 😥 I'm not autistic, but have ADHD and am married to an autistic man. My view of the world is a lot friendlier than yours. (And his) Yes, I'm sure there are horrible people who think gifts and small talk are some sort of power play, but mostly (at least the ones I know-I realize this differs geographically and culturally and socioeconomically) people aren't sneaky and malevolent like you describe. They mostly mean well, and generally any problems can be attributed to awkwardness rather than malice.
I need a version of this specific to gay/bi men. Our interactions are complicated by the fear that if we show interest toward the wrong person, he might murder us.
05:50 - without any further information, like body language, activity, situation, etc, i think interpreting her glances as an invitation is an assumption or even a projection. I think what you can realistically know about the glances is that there is something about you or your situation that has caused some interest in her maintaining it in her awareness. Replace her with a big, busy gym bro, or an elderly man who keeps glancing at you, and you'll see what I mean. My first assumption would be that they're planning or wanting to use the equipment you're using. My second would be some aspect of my appearance, such as clothing (did I forget to zip up?), equipment (e.g., smart watch), or grooming (do I need a haircut?).
This resonated with me. I’ve had trouble in youth of this and others. I’m definitely going to ask to be tested. I have new insurance and hopefully it will pay for it now. Thank you sir for this.
This is an interesting insight. Most times out in public I probably wouldn't see it if someone met my eye, because I am not looking for it. I'm sort of vaguely unfocussed, looking at an internal movie or otherwise lost in thought. If they did it however, and I noticed, my first thought is probably "do I know that person?" I do get that a bit, and sometimes it takes a bit for me to work out the answer. I might smile vaguely, in the hope that it might come to me, while also wondering "have my clothes come undone/is there food on my face/is there something else?".
This video is so helpful. Makes me feel like we're truly all in this together. Thank you. Lots of ideas in the comments too that might be helpful, I haven't read them yet
I've learned that a solid line of eye contact is often translated as meaning "do you want to talk?" which, after I've noticed the connection, I'll look away if I don't want to talk. Or if I'm feeling in a challenging mood, I'll stare unblinking to impose myself, like "yes. I'm looking at you, and I'm not afraid to look at you." But then if they start coming over I'll look away, because I'm not actually wanting to talk to them.
This was a fun video! You should do more of these! It’s almost like you are an anthropologist/ethnographer studying/interpreting the strange habits and culture of neurotypical people.
That is exactly what we need. We need to complete book on phrases and behaviors, and what they mean. Because they are essentially a different species, and think completely differently than we do
Thank you for this explanation. Being an autist I would either disregard the contact (as I am married) or put a question out of honest curiosity and see what happens next: ‘I see you staring at me. Why’? Now with your explanation I understand my ‘why?’ might be killing for any further contact. The NT might not be able to explain and feel uneasy or unsafe… How easy can life be… Not thinking or asking questions… Just respond, look and saying ‘I see your eyes looking to me…..? And wait what happens… I think your YT might be even helpful for NT persons who have difficulties with ‘negative thoughts’.
This video is very informative not just for autistic people, but to my kind of NT-s as well, because it helps me to understand the way you get to a conclusion. I have autistic kins and friends (including my 7 year old son), and it is bery important for me to better understand them. So thank you. :)
The ambiguity is deliberate. If the man starts talking to the woman, and the woman doesn't like the conversation and becomes closed and disengaged, then the man notices and explicitly mentions that she initiated the conversation, the woman can very plausibly deny she did so and make the man believe he's misunderstood rather than she's changed her mind (because if she admits to changing her mind the man is liable to ask why, increasing risk of harm to both parties). And if the man doesn't respond to an ambiguous cue of this sort, she can rule him out as either being 'unavailable', or 'cowardly', or (socially) 'clueless', and so not worth engaging with in any case. So, the ambiguity and subtlety is intended to both operate as a further screening stage, and as a damage limitation strategy if more information (i.e. an in-person conversation) causes her to change her mind.
This was an excellent presentation. Upon going to your website there's a pic of you and another person for the header. It looks like a professionally shot and presented header. The About section only mentions you. Wondering who this is and if they are involved in the work of Autism From the Inside also esp since autism seems to be very different for different genders. TIA
Hmm if I'm in the gym and keep looking at someone and then having a blank face if they look at me, I am: 1) Wanting the machine they are using 2) Trying to see how they are working out/technique 3) Checking they're not watching me
It might be a minority opinion - but "cues" are pretty dysfunctional, even for neurotypical people. Better to make explicit communication the norm instead of guessing.
Around 6:30 you say that cue means someone is interested. I would not have thought about that. I would have assumed whomever was glancing at me was simply judging my physical appearance in either positive or negative and furthermore it would be that said person "would not" want to interact with me because they chose not to.
I use my superior intuition and my extended nervous system to pick up on the thoughts and intentions rather than trying to pick up on silly social ques. If that fails, I look them in the eyes and read the soul.
Very informative as always, tyvm!! I've noticed that I attract plenty of positive attention but it's always one way communication... as in, if I write a letter or if I've created a piece of artwork, or if I'm dressed in a way someone likes - it brings people to interact with me and a lot of them stick around because of the preconcieved idea they have of me regardless of what I actually am as a person. Allistics project a lot, even the very creative ones. And that's pretty human. But when it comes to two way communication I'm about as blind as my fellow autists. So I go with mirroring the other person, which makes any oddities come off as acceptable quirky vibes. But it doesn't go further than that. And the more times you meet the more chance it'll seem uncanny valley vibes. So I actually like meeting new people a great deal and dislike meeting anyone more than once. The more times I meet that person, the more likely I'll be found out for being strange to them. Like the examples of suggesting we exchange numbers or see each other next weekend too, that is much too difficult for me. Sometimes something will happen and I'll just randomly end up with friends. I admit it's much easier being a woman for that to happen. But it wasn't really anything I thought about or have the skill to pull off when I want. Many times, people will think our interaction was awesome and I'm this or that, but I don't ask to continue the relationship or initiate at all. I've had people be very confused about what I'm doing and if I just outright hate them and that I just flipped my personality when all that happened is they projected something and I didn't know what they were projecting exactly. Generally, my main goal is to get through any convo with new person or non friend with both of us in tact! Basically, this video was extra helpful because I don't think I'm actually reading many social cues well even though I mask or try my best to interact in a pleasant manner.
Sometimes I glance at people because I think they look interesting and not necessarily because I want to talk to them and I quickly look away because I don’t want them to notice. Like, I think they have a fun character design basically.
That's a fun way to explain it! I like the way you worded that.
I often try think of people from random encounters NPCs, it helps me see them generally as benevolent or neutral instead of confusing and anxiety inducing.
@@HyperKatatonicfun character design? NPCs?
I a curious
What does all of this mean?
@@srldwgbasically, you like the person/s you are associating with, it’s just you don’t know how to always talk to them. You might not understand because the brain works differently but, basically, seeing everyone from a specific thinking/thought process, it’s easier to be one with people. For me at least.
@@srldwg by “fun character design” i am comparing them to characters in media who are fun and interesting to look at
Omg me too! I look at people and think the same thing. Surreptitiously of course.
I have an alternate string of events:
1. Stress out extremely to the point you're getting cold sweat.
2. Go through every possible thing she could want from you.
3. Stop breathing regularly.
4. Come to the conclusion, that she wants to use the machine you're currently using.
5. Go to her.
6. Tell her, she can now use the machine.
7. Walk away in a fast, but socially acceptable, way.
8. Never go to that gym again.
9. Start a new life in the outback as fire fighter.
Relatable 😂
This made me laugh, thank you
I see no other way
this is what I do every time
You left out obsessively ruminate over the interaction for days/months/years 🤪 (meaning that’s what I would do.)
When I find myself engaging in that same behavior (glancing at someone repetitively), it's not because I want to interact with that person. It’s usually because there’s something about them that caught my eye. Like a pretty hair color or nice clothes (that's almost the same to me as looking at a pretty light or the fall colors of a tree), or something that intrigues me about their appearance or behavior. Even if it's because I find them attractive, I generally don't want to initiate a conversation, I'm just happy about the visual sensory stimulation. So if I notice this behavior in someone else, I don't assume it means they want to interact with me. No wonder I can never tell if someone is flirting with me :')
That's how neurotypicals will sometimes act as well, so its not an end all be all to wanting to start a conversation. Often when neurotypicals do it, however, I notice they'll look and then if you look at them they'll quickly look away. Like they're either trying to figure something out about me, or find me aesthetically interesting or pleasing in some way and don't exactly want to interact with me yet.
Yeah, I can think of several possible reasons for subtle observation:
1. They look interesting and I'd love to study their appearance but I'm aware that it's rude to stare and can make people feel uncomfortable. (If it didn't affect the other party I'd be staring a heck of a lot more than I do!)
2. There's something wrong with their outfit or the like, and I'm debating: do they realize? is it deliberate? should I go tell them? I mean "you've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe" is obviously the time to just walk up and tell someone, but others might not be so obvious.
3. They're setting off my danger alert system, and I'm trying to keep an eye on them to determine if they're truly a threat, how likely a threat, how severe a threat, if they're zeroing in on me as a target, if I should take steps to protect myself, etc.
Of course, "I'd like to interact with this cool-seeming person but I'm not sure if they'd welcome interaction and I'm too socially awkward to just intrude like that" is an equal possibility, it's just not the only one.
I'd also point out that "she doesn't know and can't know" isn't true if she *was* looking deliberately and consciously, and that there's likely some social hierarchy thing about who gets to approach who that's at play and would make this pre-approach tactic more common if they're on the side that "shouldn't" make the first move 😅
@@Arkylieyep, agree that any of that +/- social anxiety is all possible
@@Arkylie Well I think the problem is that most of the time people don't know why they do certain social cues, and even when they do they probably won't tell you if you ask because that is not a normal thing. And asking (a stranger) about it is one of the "weird" things introverted or autistic people do that will probably make the person change their mind about whatever intention they had with the cue.
It's really important to remember that not everyone follows neurotypical rules, even if you read them at neurotypical. I caused myself A LOT of emotional harm by assuming people were following neurotypical rules.
As a general rule I just always assume the most harmless baseline of things. Like regardless of how forward it is I just think "Ohh they're just being nice. That way my response is generally always neutral and minimal.
I smile at them, then most of the time it becomes more obvious what was on their mind.
They either say something and you know what they want, smile back & say nothing, or look away awkwardly bc they were staring involuntary.
Only when they’re flirting I don’t get the clues… 😅
@@aaloha2902 I wish I could even learn to smile, let alone say something in such sudden interactions.
For example, I always intend to be friendly towards my neighbours living in the same condo, if we meet in the staircase. I always try to smile and greet them somehow but in reality nothing happens. I'm completely unable to let out an audible voice even when trying and smiling is even harder. A couple of times I have actually frightened myself in such situation as by some freak accident I actually managed to muster up an audible greeting. I was scared of the sound even though that was precisely what I was attempting to do.
I wonder how could I learn to smile in such situations where the smile is just a gesture an not the result of an emergent situation that genuinely affects me such as hearing a funny joke. I've tried training in front of a mirror but I don't find that helpful.
Even if you read them as neurotypical, they can be neurodivergent....knowing that themselves or not. Maybe they are pretending to be comfortable looking at you.
I think social interaction is kinda like building an invert pyramid, you start small and keep adding bigger and bigger. If you invest heavily without building a proper base the pyramid will collapse. When you start with small effort you are minimizing your own risks and simultaneously minimizing the social pressure for the other person. When a good base has been laid you can gradually increase the effort as long as you don't hurry so the "social concrete" has time to dry and solidify, this is very important since every interaction causes stress, no matter how positive. Too eager people are atypical and thus scary.
Another possible option: she thought you looked familiar and was trying to remember where she saw you from (or has an acquaintance with someone who looks very similar to you). Just a thought
Soooo many possible options, it can be quite anxiety-inducing if I think too much about it
Lol your making it more complex bro. But ok it's possible.
For real I've given people the triple take, is that Blank? No, wait is it tho? Most of the time I go around with face blind goggles and pretend that everyone else is too, trying to lessen my anxiety about being perceived.
I often assume the worst when I don't understand someone's social cues. I like your fact-checking system to help reduce social anxiety.
With things like this I'll always assume that nothing was meant by it because nothing would be more uncomfortable than initiating a conversation from something that wasn't meant
I want to share an insight that has come to me since my ASD discovery, one that maybe will prove helpful to others. The ASD discovery and its tsunami of insights came very late to me in life (65), and I like to think that perhaps something I say here might help much younger people and spare them decades of useless anxiety.
Because of this discovery I have a new, dare I say miraculously new, freedom to do certain things simply because I want to, I need to, they are what works for me, and I no longer need to allow that inner visceral "clutch" of self-doubt, embarrassment, guilt, disorientation (wait, what, there's something improper about this?), when others question me with a tone vaguely bordering on ridicule ("Why on earth would you do that?", "That's silly, you don't need to do that," "That's a waste of time and money," "Oh, I would never do that; here's a much simpler way," etc.).
For instance, I am now en route from a city in Country A to a city in Country B. I could certainly do the entire trip in a day...a very long day...with one change of trains, and also the bother of passport control, long lines.... That prospect--doing the whole thing in a day--always, viscerally, horrifies me. Instead, I go to a city near the Country B border where I stay in a hotel for a night, then take the next train into Country B the next day, after a good night's sleep, a leisurely breakfast, a reassuring re-pack of my things and reorientation to the new day's journey. I NEED it, viscerally, psychically (i.e., "existentially").
The standard reaction when I tell people I do this is that I'm doing it the least efficient way, wasting money, "Why, don't you know you could already be there in nine, ten (maybe 11) hours and save yourself a whole's day's travel and hotel costs?"
Somehow what they seem incapable of registering is that, to me, that sounds the same as saying, "Why, don't you know that instead of that ham sandwich you could chew glass?"
But I've never been equipped, that is, until my ASD discovery, to understand my preferences, my NEEDS, as anything but childish, foolishly impractical, self-indulgent, etc. And so I'd stammer and hem and haw about how, yeah, I guess it was silly of me, or, oh, I didn't realize I could have done it all in one day (but I did, so that's a very uncomfortable white lie, which feels like a betrayal of my authenticity), or, "just call me crazy, I guess!" (ha, ha). Whatever it takes to just get them off my back.
But now I'm free. I don't have to justify, explain or, heck, even TALK about my plans, choices and needs with anybody else if I don't want to. Or if I do get confronted about my apparently wildly unorthodox behaviors (staying a night in a hotel, right up there with swallowing live frogs, I guess), I now feel this wonderfully new liberating freedom (yes, I know, tautology, but still...) to just say, "I know, but this is how I like to do this, it's better for me mentally." End of discussion. I'm debt-free, I owe nobody the least attempt at justification. There is nothing TO justify.
I will do what I need, want, to do. And as for wasting money, I dare say that my few indulgences, like a night in hotel, fade in comparison to a slew of things that the people with the helpful advice spend all kinds of money on that I never would. And anyway, it's my money, and my time. I'm not keeping the King of England waiting, for Pete's sake, so lighten up. 😏
Very well put! Thank you for sharing. We all need to do what works best for us. I've avoided the shower for years, bit only because of the overstimulation, but because it seemed Soo difficult and time consuming. Now, i separate washing and drying my hair from the actual shower. I'll do one at a different time or the next day and that has been life changing!
So glad to hear that you are doing what works for you and that we need not explain ourselves... Especially at our age! 😉💜
I've always preferred making my travel in segments. It took me a while to realize that for business travels accross multiple time zones, it's best to arrive e.g. on Saturday to have the Sunday for recovery and adjusting sleep rhythm. In general, I do things my way and if somebody is wondering, I've just said somehing along the lines of "this works better for me" (I've only recently discovered being on the spectrum, so it's not even because of that). It is still strange that neurotypical people often make the claim that people on the spectrum have no empathy, while they are the ones more often not understanding why other people might want to do things differently than they. Isn't the core of empathy being able to imagine yourself in somebody else's shoes and not the other way around?
@@SweetStuffAustinthat’s exactly what I do
Not to be dramatic, but this made me cry
Several years ago, I got diagnosed with social pragmatic communication disorder. Social cues have always been very difficult for me. Growing up was extremely confusing, because no one would ever explain anything to me. “You’ll figure it out.” But I never did. I’m very open about it now, and I have a couple people I feel comfortable asking to explain things that are “supposed” to be basic understanding. I tend to view social cues like an anthropologist with an internal field notes
I’m turning 40 next year and this is the first time I’ve ever not only related to a situation, but also guided on how to interpret and interact with it. I can’t describe how much that means to hear something like that
Thank you so much! I’ll be watching more of your channel
I'm not neurotypical, but I often use this type of behavior (brief eye contact paired with a smile) to demonstrate openness to interacting. Usually when I am trying to seem approachable at work or when I'm trying to flirt. It seems to work pretty well
I do this just to not seem rude. I've been under the impression that it's a bit rude to not acknowledge another person's existence in close quarters, like passing by in a low traffic hallway, or rude not to smile when you've made eye contact (even if accidental). I find most people don't say or do anything when you make eye contact and smile, but maybe I have a very obviously just-being-polite smile, which is honestly what I'm going for anyway.
@@MKisFeelinSpicyI also do that in order to not appear rude. In elevators, it seems common to do a bare minimum of acknowledging that the other person exists, then intentionally move your gaze away and shift your body language to something less open. Sometimes if I’m having a rough day and can’t bring myself to smile, I’ll do a little nod instead. Or if my attempt at a smile comes off as more of a grimace, I’ll do the nod thing to make it clear that my awkward facial expression isn’t meant to communicate anything negative about the other person. As an American, it’s also my habit to, after acknowledging the other person, to move away from them as much as the space allows; I heard that that is standard American behavior but it not standard all over the world. Apparently this cultural difference shows up in restaurants where people can seat themselves, and some places everyone spreads out, while in others they pick tables near other people. (Reading about cultural differences is a great way to learn about what behaviors are normal in your own culture!)
As someone who is also autistic, I can say what you say here is soooooo immensely helpful. I wish I'd known some of this long ago. My own 'mistakes' in these kinds of situations is that I would attempt to over-analyse the situation, rather then actually move forward (in any way). I would usually sort of freeze and not be able to act, largely because I was caught up in my speculations, as well as attempting to predict what might happen if I were to act in a particular way, etc. Consequently, nothing would happen. Frustating, indeed. Anyway, I find what you say here quite helpful, cheers!
i could usually get all the way to the “what do i say?” part, and then just freeze up. nothing interesting to say, nothing that I would classify as an acceptable ice breaker, and then recently I learned, it doesn’t really matter if it’s good or not, as long as the delivery is genuine. even if it’s goofy. Actually, if it’s a bit goofy that’s usually good because it can make them laugh, and that is the best way break the ice
I like your advice here. I think it's helpful and freeing to take the view that there is no set script or 'right' response, even for NTs. Social interactions involve giving ppl the grace and space to connect or not, depending on what their comfort level is.
I’m still surprised that he assumed she was NT for some reason lol
What... I still don't understand why people don't just talk to each other.
Who takes conclusions out of several 0.5 seconds of semi eye contact... And why would they think that I understood that...
🖤
It’s because even when speaking a lot of the meaning of communication is conveyed non verbally. For example in a script any one line could have many different deliveries or subtle non verbal cues completely changing the subtext. Of course this Can make it very difficult to pick up on the exact meaning of what people are saying but it’s often decent effective for those familiar with it. there are plenty of reasons why someone might not want to directly talk to a stranger. For example social gender expectations that men should initiate interactions with women might make a woman hesitate to speak, or Vice versa a man not wanting to disturb the peace or comfort of a woman who may feel unsafe if he were to approach first, it could be social anxiety, someone not knowing what to say, or simply admiring someone from afar but already brushing off the idea they’d have any chance. It could also be someone doesn’t realize how much they are staring, that it is partially subconscious attraction, or simply the desire to keep safe by subtly inviting someone to interact which reduces the chance of facing open rejection or humiliation.
@@maxhanesworthOFFICIAL I wonder how many relationships never started because of these borderline futile kinds of social interaction... And how many people got hurt thinking that the other person didn't want anything with them when they didn't even notice. What a waste
Parents need to teach their kids to be forward and direct and just talk to people.
Of course, many of those parents grew up in households were you couldn't be honest or direct. You danced around people's triggers and never talked openly about problems. Those parents as adults can't teach their kids to be direct because they don't know how to do it themselves. And the cycle perpetuates.
Most people don't do things that make sense, they just have instinctual behaviors like animals. If you asked them why they'd probably tell you they had a "gut feeling" or they just wouldn't be able to answer you at all. People like you or me were born without whatever mechanisms grant these arcane impulses, so we must rely on reason to motivate our actions. Beneficial in some ways, but mostly a handicap in a world filled with irrational actors.
One social cue that I have a hard time understanding is that throughout much of my adult life, random strangers would often gawk at me as if I am an alien from outer space or a strange creature like Bigfoot. And I could never figure out why I was often being gawked at by strangers whenever I was out in public, since I've always felt that I looked and acted normal.
Sorry to disappoint you, but they're probably gawking for a reason. You probably look or act unusual in some way. Ask friends and family what they think is the cause, and then you can decide whether trying to fit in better is a worthwhile endeavor for you. Or, you know, just assume that you're too hot to handle and leave it at that *shrug*
It is The movement if u are dyspraxia
If you're getting funny looks it's because people think you're funny-looking.
You might be hot lol.
You're either gorgeous, or unusual, or you have the remains of a hastily eaten chocolate cookie all over your face, as one of my colleagues once realised after flouncing through a shopping mall. 😂 Not looking or acting normal isn't always a bad thing - for whatever reason, you stand out. As long as they keep their mitts to themselves, you're good.
Very clear. Very helpful. Thank you. I'm an old woman now, but I remember complaining to a woman friend when I was young that no one ever seemed to want to date me and I asked her advice as she had men interested in her all the time. She said eye contact was important. I replied I had no problem with eye contact and didn't avert my eyes when I met an interesting man. She then said, "yes, but I'm talking about normal eye contact, not drilling a hole in their forehead with your eyes the way you do." 😄
As a human who has been watching interactions my whole life, I find this to be true for the good majority of interactions that look like the one described. Either they are open to talking to you and have some form of interest, or you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe and they are too shy to mention
Oh that's going to make me wonder if I have toilet paper on my shoe, or some other embarrassing thing, if I don't see it. Please NTs, tell me, I don't need to stick out more 😅
@@t3hsis324 Well, it could be the back of your skirt caught in the waistband of your pantyhose and you're flashing everyone. That would be worse.
@@scruffypupperI had a moment almost like that whilst queuing up for Holy Communion. My skirt was coming unzipped at the back, but luckily I was wearing grey tights so there wasn’t a whole lot to see.
definitely relate- my first thought wouldv'e been to check my appearance (something on my face? stuck to my shoe? unbuttoned?) and then my second would've been "oh maybe i remind her of someone who she hasn't seen in a long time and she's trying to figure out if i'm that person"
me and my husband dated for 2 years before he told me thats what was happening. i didnt know they were dates so i kept inviting my friend to go to the movies with us 😭 hes very patient.
People usually verbally define the relationship before two years have passed, so he could have been more straight forward. 😊
How long have you known he was your husband?
Did he tell you two years into that relationship too?
After he got tired of you inviting your friend into the house?
XDDD
I would've assumed she was looking at me because there was something wrong with my clothes, or I was in her way and she was hoping I would move, or something like that. I would have assumed that if she wanted to talk to me she would just do that herself.
Me too.
This was an interesting topic. When I’m out in public I kind of just try to look at the floor or the wall, and if someone tries to talk to me I’m always really surprised. One interesting thing you mentioned though was the question of whether she was flirting or not, and that the answer didn’t matter. As someone who is 35 (and autistic and ADHD) and is certain no one has ever flirted with me in my life, it sure would be nice to have a way to know someone’s intentions when they interact with you! I’ve been told it’s impossible that no one has ever flirted with me, but it does seem plausible to me. 🤷🏼♀️
You probably just didn't know that someone was flirting with you. It can be very subtle.
I think it is highly unlikely people aren't flirting with you on the regular. Having said that, my aspie brain also cannot tell when people are flirting with me. I can tell, I think, when people are flirting with others though, so...
That's interesting, thinking "they're open & interested in talking to me..." that absolutely never would have occurred to me if someone was just glancing at me intermittently. I'm not autistic but I do have a personality disorder that impedesy understanding of social cues, but whereas I think autistic people tend to not see cues at all, I see cues where there are none, mostly of a negative character. When people look at me for too long or too often I assume either that there's some problem like a stain on my shirt or something on my face, or that they recognize me, but I don't recognize them, but they think I do & that I'm snubbing them, or more generally that they just think I'm ugly or unpleasant somehow. I might have gone my whole life never having started a conversation in such a context bc I wouldn't have thought of it as an option! Ironically now that I'm thinking about it I realize I do the same thing, the most I will do to try to initiate an interaction with someone is to glance at them a few times. Funny how I never thought sonebody else could be doing the same thing
You give the most useful advice I have ever gotten from a youtube channel
Thanks for this video, I have lost myself so much due to these social misunderstandings over the years. Depression creeped up and I lost more and more friends each day… Now I’m 24, ripped body and all that, and lonely as fuck. Girls smile at me everyday but that voice constantly tells me (and I’m convinced) they are gonna reject me for my ‘weirdness’… I often feel like everyone hates me. Because I fuck up a lot due to my social differences. I prefer to stay alone. People suck so much sometimes.
bruh if you're ripped that social shit doenst matter so much. You're young, you havent lost much. Plenty of time to smash gym thots.
I am a decade older than you, and what you explained heavily matches my circumstances, when it comes to being social, social interactions, and definitely interacting with women. I constantly feel like girls do not like me at all it’ll matter if they slightly try to smile, or even take the initiative to talk to me. in cases where they do it doesn’t last long, and I feel they get turned off and start avoiding me in many ways.
I’ve been dealing with this all my life and I have gone through social skills class watched TH-cam videos in the counseling in have listen to with so many others have told me, but yet I’m still in the situation and it is a very rough place to be. I don’t trust anyone completely anymore and prefer to work independently due to everything you described.
Holy cow, I think you and I are clones mentally. I also have a strong psychology and "understand complex systems" passion and this is nearly identically to how I interact with the world. The issue I have with a lot of interactions is that I will interact mechanically how you described, but I have hard time caring until I have built some rapport with the person. Luckily I have been married to my wife for over 12 years now so it's not a problem anymore in terms of dating!
We discovered like 2 days ago we're probably both aspies and a lot of things are beginning to make sense under that lens. Videos like this help show which parts of our lived experiences indicate which personality/neurological/mental health things come from what conditions (if any), and I am grateful!
I do love this format. Breaking down nonverbal cues to help us better read people. I know a younger version of me would of definitely appreciated this, and even now its interesting to check if I'm keeping up. Luckily, I tend to be pretty outgoing and friendly on the surface level, but that came with much practice with strangers at work. Building rapport and making them feel more satisfied with our interaction. Some people, from the comments they left me, seemed to genuinely appreciate my efforts.
OK, this might explain why I've had random people stop me on public footpaths to talk. I thought it was an older person thing, all of them likely exceeding retirement age while I was grammar school age and just after, and I just thought they might be lonely or something wanting to just talk to anyone they meet, so I just stood and listened when it did happen. On a long straight path when walking towards each other, I never know where to look. I need to see where they're going so not to end up dancing left and right in time with each other (which has happened too many times (for comfort) as well), but I don't want to be staring them down for 30 seconds or more until we're past each other. I'm in the UK, so it's polite to say hello or smile on passing, and again, I don't know at what point to do that so not to be forcing a smile for too long either, so I look for them to initiate it while I plan to leave it quite late so it's just half a second or less of an awkward lip-tightening with a nod. This means I tend to glance at them a few times between looking at the path or some other surroundings, which as you've just explained, is, to a neurotypical, an invitation to start talking. I've had too many people seemingly randomly try to talk to me when I wasn't prepared. :)
Thank you so much. This explains much of why university was so lonely. You have helped me to understand that I'm not just "weird" or "crazy" but am simply different. Again, thank you for doing this service for all of us.
It’s so much easier when you’re old. No one looks at me unless I look at them.
Or, I remind them of their mother, sister, cousin and that’s why they are looking.
I got tired just thinking about this scenario.
I'm glad you made this..I had actually looked up that behaviour on the internet to try and understand it. I feel this was a much clearer explanation.
I remember thinking everyone had a sort of secret sense, like psychic hearing or sight and I just couldn't hear or see it. I thought it was an evolution thing like how we can see air but not water because air is out natural atmosphere, we don't need to see it and fish don't need to see water. I called it being third eye blind, which was GREAT for my paranoia when the band came out in the 90s 🙄 It wasn't until my 40s when my wife said "I think you might be a little autistic" and we started exploring what that means that I realized that "psychic" communication WAS sort of that; not psychic but a sense that almost everyone else had developed but I hadn't. Just subconscious social cues some of us have to learn to see. We still can't see air but we can learn the clues telling us a strong gust is coming before it moves past us.
I'm 40 years old and have struggled to understand this social cue my whole life. This this one simple video may actually change my entire life. 😮
The more I learn about neurotypical social cues, the more I'm convinced that learning brain surgery would be easier.
Being NT doesn't automatically mean a person is adept at sending out or understanding NT social cues.
Yeah I’m shocked that initiating conversation resulted in a positive outcome ( 7:24 ) that was very unexpected.
yeah brain surgery for the NTs
Most of the time they don't even THINK about it, they just get it right. It's when it's extremely subtle or easy enough to confuse for another one do they even acknowledge them to parse it out themselves.
There is LOTS of videos about body language and flirting for example, but almost none about emotionally driven facial expressions (that aren't geared towards us neurodivergent people or dry base reference material for research).
We had to watch and match ours CONSCIOUSLY even for some "basic" ones as small children. When our peers were past that point already and instinctually understood and copied as babbling infants. Even if we hit other developments earlier and more thoroughly, like speaking full sentences as a toddler or walking much earlier.
Very little of it could be imprinted instinctively, we had our base ones and our brain and are stuck working around that....forever.
😂 you made my day! It is true.
But don't let us stop to keep trying to understand each other!
Doesn't everyone worry if they're looking too much into things and then decide to just mind their own business instead?
Also 5:57 I would not believe that to be true. If it happened to me I'd think that she maybe noticed something about my appearance that caught her attention, maybe in a good way maybe in a bad way, but something probably just caught her eye.
I would never consider that to be a signal of being interested in interacting, and it seems a bit bold and possibly rude to assume it is-
I have seen nothing to prove that this is the real meaning of that behaviour, and I barely notice anyone doing it, so I'm inclined to think that you'd just end up being rude if you assume this is what that behaviour means.
I would think she was wondering why I have my t-shirt tucked into my shorts.
All of this here.. I absolutely have before and continue to assume it was a harmless interaction that needs no further action. Maybe that means I miss out on a lot but the fact is I don't know and I don't want to inflate the situation, especially into something its not.
This probably varies with local culture too, if you live in a place where strangers talk to each other a lot she probably won't be offended even if she doesn't actually want to talk. If it's NYC she might tell you to eff off
I stopped the video there and came to the comments looking for comments mentioning what you described. I also don't know at all. How the hell would I know that means she wants something.
Made me think that maybe it could make sense to make a list of things what eye contact can mean in public spaces, so we could better assess it. Like that would be a real social training to go through that, listen people talking about it, etc. So next time I could have a better idea what other cues to look at or what can I do to figure it out.
But generally I just get anxious in these situations, even more so if I think it might be a form of positive communication as I won't be able to reciprocate or make much of the situation because of anxiety and all.
I hope it will change though, I've felt a few times a sort of general social safe recently, likely due to progress in therapy.
I think Paul said that you should NOT assume that's what the glances mean. But they do give you a chance to say something to the person. You could start by saying something like, "Hi! Have we met before?" Then from the response you decide whether to take the conversation up one more little step. If that's what you want to do. You do have the right to say nothing if you don't want to engage with the person.
It is good that you established what facts there are in these situations. In many cases, people don’t care about facts at all.
Most people like to tell about things they enjoy doing well.
Say something nice 11:48 and not untrue as a conversation opener. “That’s an interesting book; nice pair of shoes, funny t-shirt; etc.
Then ask,
“What things do you enjoy doing well?” Then, 11:48 pay attention with friendly eye contact if the stranger opens up and tells you what they like to do.
Don’t talk much, but occasionally make a remark showing you are interested in their story.
Practically everyone has a story to tell when they realize you are interested.
The location/occasion strategy is something I do a lot without realising that that was the concept! It's so incredibly powerful and helpful
About Fact #3 unconscious communication, me being aromantic, I wonder is autism is reducing ones unconscious brain functions. So we have to do a lot on purpose, in my case including flirting. I have to think about and make a plan to actually say hi to someone. Something which works automatically for NTs.
Yes
Am I the only subscriber who can't deal with the "pops"? They drive me absolutely crazy! About 3 minutes of them and I have to go to another channel and miss out on SO much great information.
I remember a funny situation that happened about a zillion years ago when I was in high school. I was having an interesting and animated conversation with a female classmate (I'm male). When it concluded, a buddy who was nearby the whole time said "Man, she was really hitting on you." I had no clue. I have called myself Captain Oblivious for many decades, and most of that time was before my diagnosis (ASD and ADHD). Now, since my diagnosis, I know why.
Women hit very indirectly. Impossible to read for autists
Heyyy Doesn't get the hints gang.! lol I have had some nearly blatant remarks that went right over my head.
Ayo what done happened to this thread LMAO
@@Anonymous-zd1ow What's happened is that 38 bot generated irrelevant posts have been reported so far. Not that I expect the spam to stop.
Never seen spam both generating so many messages in a single thread before, that was a lot of uses of the report button
As an NT, I can guarantee you we miscue off each other about 95% of the time. If your miscue rate is near that, you're a-ok.
What an exaggeration. I can guarantee you that 95% of the time you don't even know that you read the cue and you read it correctly / functionally efficiently
A couple of years ago I learned about “Guess Culture” v “Ask Culture”. You are speaking then about guess culture? I SOOO prefer ask culture when it’s polite! Especially when I was young, working & had children! I was overwhelmed & my brain had NO space to expend upon guessing on cues. Having people just say what they meant was (& remains) so wonderful. I now surround myself with people who do this. Life is more relaxed & pleasant.
@@よしみ-x5j Maybe in day-to-day life, but when the question is "Is this person flirting with me?", it's just as hard work. Because people who are flirting are generally trying to protect their own feelings as well in case you don't reciprocate, so it's a very cagey dynamic.
Thanks. This comment can easy social anxiety for neurodivergent. Sometimes people misinterpret social cues. This is how it lead to gossip.
Once on a train a man held a book in front of his face but kept staring sideways at me. Then I saw his eyes went in 2 completely different directions...:-)))
Sometimes I think it can also be positive, that I don't pick up on Things, because I don't get that someone is underlying rude, but because I stay polite I get better results than my collegues 😂
I usually make the first move by quickly accessing my mental hard drive of tried and tested 'witty conversation starters' before my cpu brain has chance to overthink the situation and crash the drive.
Recently another woman in a parking lot noticed that I looked at her a little longer than required. I shared with her that I was thinking how much she looked like my sister.
how'd she respond to that?
@@garmisra7841 , She was very nice. Gave me a smile and a laugh.
Not the best pickup line Lol
Hi, loved this video and how you break it down. But that advice only works if the other person is nice and has good intentions. As a woman that situation with a man things can get pretty dangerous, whether or not i respond.
In todays society women go out on the town with their friends, walking home drunk in every city in America, and they do not have a care about "something dangerous" happening to them.Why? Because women are that safe and untouchable in todays society. Women are so absolutely safe in modern society. That instinct that you are "not safe" was primed for the past couple millions years of evolution. A women can make any false allegation and wreck the mans life. You are more of a danger to the man than he is to you.
As a woman I would not respond unless I wanted to date the guy. Not responding seems safer.
I would have just thought she was waiting to see if I was done with that exercise machine/equipment so she could use it after me
That's what I thought, too.
Same.
In society I am usually oblivious of people. I don’t see glances. I don’t try and analyse glances. I am sure that I am approximately 30 to 40% face blind. If I haven’t seen somebody for more than 2 years and have to meet them at the airport I would be terrified that I wouldn’t be able to recognize them. Some people I (almost) instantly forget what they look like. And if I was quizzed “you know that woman we met at the market” or “you know the next-door neighbour”. I would be shocked out of my shoes because I wouldn’t be able to recognize them in a line up. If I find strangers looking straight at me. It makes me feel physically sick. Children staring at me makes me feel very uncomfortable even though I can reason that they are unaware of their actions. 30 years ago my bestie told me. “Men often stare at you.” I was shocked. What men? Where? What are you talking about? She meant men “liked” me. I do however know when a ‘predator type’ man stares at me. That has served me very well. I know when to get away and not feel bad about treating that person badly.
Good luck with that new ‘introduction’.
Even if someone keeps giving me brief glances because they're interested in interaction, they still need to give me some reason to care about their existence. If you know nothing about me except what I look like and I know nothing about you except what you look like then we have no reason to interact.
The main reason I repeatedly glance at someone is because they look familiar, but I cannot recall who they are or why I might know them. I'm not interested in communicating or interacting with the person; I'm just trying to jog my memory to answer a trivial question. Often it's not actually someone I know; their appearance is simply reminiscent of someone else.
The one thing I've learned about social cues is that I will always, always be wrong. Thus, I ignore all social cues and just be myself and do my own things. That's not to say that I dont follow any rules, I follow all the good rules of manners and etiquette that I have been able to find, but if I feel like talking to someone, I talk to them, regardless of whatever the world and my body tells me about what could happen if I do so. If things go wrong, I walk away. No harm no foul. Better luck next time. Ive had a lot of good conversations this way, but Ive never made any friends, so its clearly an imperfect technique.
This is so relevant rn for me 😂 I'm a woman and I've been interested in a guy at my gym. We make eye contact but he hasn't come up to talk to me. I've been confused if I've misread his signals or if I've not really been making enough signals to him. I want him to come talk to me first, but the NT way girls are supposed to send flirty signals without ever talking is very difficult and confusing. Like how much eye contact is too little versus too much to show that Im interested in a guy?! I've concluded that I just have to talk to him first, which is what i do with most guys, because being direct and clear and telling him I'm interested is so much easier than worrying if I'm misreading everything and waiting for the man to make a move. Of course this brings up the fear of rejection, but it seems like the lesser of 2 evils 😅
Absolutely, talk to him. As stated in the video, you really don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m starting to realize that 80% of the time it’s just fear and the need for emotional safety that’s holding us all back from potential connection.
@drsloan I commented this 6 months ago 😄 I did end up talking to the guy and was direct with him. He told me he had a girlfriend, which was disappointing at the time, but I was happy I was brave and got a clear answer and didn't have to stress anymore. It was easy to move on from that crush. I asked another guy out since then, who said yes, but wasn't successful in the end. Overall, making the first move as a girl made my life so much easier and less stressful. It also made me realize how important direct, clear communication is for me and my future relationships 😊
@@abbyswanson3890 Oh that’s great to hear! Yeah, sometimes guys (like me) just look or even flirt with a friendly person. There may be no intention, aside from the pleasantness of it. Or there may be! Half the time we don’t really know what we’re looking for until we find it! Lol
I suck at social cues. I have no idea when someone is flirting w me. I am very direct and need direct in return.
Can you do a similar video about vague negative interactions? I often have this uncertain feeling that someone is nonverbally telling me they’re unhappy, but I never know if it’s directed at me, or how to address it. I’ve tried asking directly but that’s not always appropriate apparently
Oh gosh yes. And the challenge towards knowing if someone is a friend or acquaintance!
I have never ever noticed something like this... might have to keep an eye out 😅
Fact 4 really got me, in these kinds of situations I start obsessing why this person could be glancing at me, do I have something on my face? Do they want to talk to me? Was I accidentally starring at them? Should I go over and talk?
I really got to remember, it doesn’t matter, it’s really no big deal, certainly nothing worth panicking over!
This actually explains a lot, it has always baffled me when people do that
I will always interact with you, Paul. I always make time for anyone. I’ve had some strange neurotypical glances by other people levelled at me. I am nonplussed.
This is why I hate alot of those other videos about body language that has some expert saying that they can read what a person is thinking. It's totally bias and often already based on what you think you know about the person. More often than not, it does not mean anything because the person doing the thing doesn't even know what it means.
No wonder guys always think I'm flirting with them. After being scolded so many times on making eye contact and smiling, because otherwise I supposedly look mean.
I gave up on this during school - look mean while minding your own business, get bullied. Smile and try to look approachable, same result so I was in a no-win situation. Your mileage may vary though.
This makes me wonder how many times i've never realised this happening to me, and missed out on a great opportunity.
Thank you, I have a hard time with subtler cues like this. This helped me make things more manageable and understandable. I hope you're well.
I can’t tell you how many times a guy probably thought I was flirting (even though I’m gay lol) bc a a femme non-binary neurodivergent I used to often attempt eye contact when masking at my job but can’t bare to sustain it so it ends up as a fleeting glance or two and then I never make eye contact the rest of the interaction. I don’t even try now which has its downsides like being perceived as rude or disinterested.
I’m also oblivious to being flirted with except my body seems to unconsciously detect it and my nervous system sends me into fight flight immediately. Fun times. (sarcasm)
I am very intuitive and detect everyone’s energy that gets close to me. It’s exhausting. But I have a hard time identifying/labeling it and sometimes differentiating mine and theirs bc I physically feel theirs too. Learning to read subtleties and understand social cues is massively helpful so thank you for sharing this!
And to think I was only diagnosed two years ago at age 31!!
wow, this is such an eye-opening video! Normally when I catch people looking at me I feel threatened and get internally ready to react negatively. I neither think about past scenarios (like whether in the past people who looked at me were in fact hostile or not, answer is no) nor do I think about what is useful to know or not (so I just get. bogged down in all the things I don't know, and as you beautifully explained can't really know because other people very often don't know). Anyway that's just to say many thanks (I am going to watch the overexploiting video too 😊)
I can just look at a person and this giant chain of thoughts can begin. 🤣🤣 I am also autistic, but I feel absolutely indifferent about people's behavior, “cues” and reactions.
Thank you for your video. I am excited that I stumbled across your video. I have recently became aware of social ques and body language. Despite years of research and social testing, I find myself still struggling to understand this new form of communication. Your video really helped me. (Subscribed)
I thought this was going to cover a lot of NT social cues. Can you make this a regular segment? Thank you.
They are wrird
Yes pls. Maybe even a list and a flow chart we could follow. I'll keep it on my phone next to my other lists that I have handy for when anything confusing or complicated pops up.
Thank you so much. Still figuring these kind of things out at 47, even while I’m pretty experienced in communication, this resonated, gave me new insights and realizations.
Thank you, that’s very interesting and helpful. I probably just wouldn’t have noticed.
I always just smile when I’m in a situation I don’t understand, and will maybe look into their eyes for about a second. Personally, I would just ignore a keep on doing what I were doing (and maybe check if I got something on my face 😂). It’s too much of a hassle to think about neurotypical social cues 😂 After I was told to smile when I greet people, it has become my go to way to interact in situations I don’t understand. With variable success, but more successful than when I didn’t smile. Maybe it’s because my perceived gender is a woman (people will more often receive you as crass, angry or just not nice if you as a woman won’t smile or use a soft voice), I don’t know.
When I glance at people there are a few different reasons:
1) I think they are handsome/pretty and looking at them simply makes me happy/i want to watch them
2) they have an interesting outfit on. can be interesting in a „good“ or „bad“ way, as in it stands out to me positively or negatively
3) I am trying to figure out if they are okay, because they seem to behave in a weird way, like hold their head or topple over etc
4) I am trying to figure out if I know them, although this usually doesnt take too long
5) Or for example i need something they are standing in front of, i am waiting for them to move or do an action and i dont want to verbally tell them yet, so im just glancing for a while :D
This was fun to think about!
Im also neurodivergent and love thinking about why I act certain ways, its very interesting!
Your channel is awesome!
Ill keep watching more :)
You are brilliant Paul!!! To know all this! I never did, & wish I had when I was young (I'm 76 now). It is/was different if yr a woman. I never knew how to flirt. In the 1950s & 60s, girls were never supposed to make the first move, that was too forward. You had to wait for the man to speak & ask you out for a drink. I often spoke to men & said I liked them, & frightened then off! Result - not many dates!!!!!
A scene in the movie "Imitation Game" has a scene that describes the 2 second glance. It's often a flirting tactic which invites a person to come over and initiate conversation. The scene occurs about halfway thru the movie in a pub the characters visited.
,,,"it doesn't matter"... I have just learned this REALLY well lately and it is very freeing. Thank you Paul for your content, always informative
Good stuff. No one talks about this stuff. You would think someone would address in regards to interpersonal relationships in general and also romantic relationships. I think many people need help with social cues. Especially the slightly Autistic adult.
I have high functioning autism and don’t know social cues. I learned a bit at teen group several years ago. I’m prepping for dating.
I don’t bother trying to make sense of neurotypicals. I just get on with my own day and care little for what others are getting up to.
I loved this video. I was actually laughing a lot because I'm new to autism and it was like listening to the inside my own mind - hyper-rationalizing social scenarios and breaking them down like a math equation. I make fun of myself for doing it all the time because most people would think it's crazy. Anyway I enjoyed it a lot and please do more like this.
At a time in my life when it really mattered I didn't have a clue. I still don't and probably never will. I remember one encounter at a party - I was in the kitchen to get a beer from the fridge and struck up a conversation with a woman which carried on for nearly an hour. Because at that stage I was so clueless after some previously failed interactions I more-or-less left the party and that was that. A friend later told me that she actually wanted more than an interesting chat and that after I left, "she ended up with someone else". Which pretty much sums up my social life and failure to promote the cause of my species.
One thing that always preyed on my mind should the "impossible" actually happen was the dread of having to ask about contraception since I did not wish to accidentally become a father with yet another responsibility added to the list.
When I get a gift from someone, I take it and always say “thank you”.
When NT people get gifts from me, they take them and say “oh, you shouldn’t have worried, it’s not necessary” I never got this “game of words” while taking gifts 🎁
@@steffenirgens7022You are probably reading too much into it.
I think this comes from anxiety. Many people have hang-ups when it comes to presents. Like, not feeling worthy, suddenly feeling anxious because perhaps now you want to start a gift-giving relationship and this is a surprise and has caught them unprepared, embarrassed by not knowing if it's better to open it immediately or wait until later and babbling to cover it up, etc.
Even NTs are messes when it comes to getting presents.😅 There are many nuggets of wisdom floating around to help people take a compliment, or take a present, graciously.
And the ideal is to do it the way you do it, so well done!
@@steffenirgens7022 I'm sorry that's been your experience. 😥 I'm not autistic, but have ADHD and am married to an autistic man. My view of the world is a lot friendlier than yours. (And his)
Yes, I'm sure there are horrible people who think gifts and small talk are some sort of power play, but mostly (at least the ones I know-I realize this differs geographically and culturally and socioeconomically) people aren't sneaky and malevolent like you describe. They mostly mean well, and generally any problems can be attributed to awkwardness rather than malice.
I find this extremely helpful, I always try to make sense of the situation before taking any step until it's too late
I'm very much a people watcher at the gym. I kinda wonder what goes through others minds when they see me doing that.😁
I need a version of this specific to gay/bi men. Our interactions are complicated by the fear that if we show interest toward the wrong person, he might murder us.
05:50 - without any further information, like body language, activity, situation, etc, i think interpreting her glances as an invitation is an assumption or even a projection. I think what you can realistically know about the glances is that there is something about you or your situation that has caused some interest in her maintaining it in her awareness.
Replace her with a big, busy gym bro, or an elderly man who keeps glancing at you, and you'll see what I mean.
My first assumption would be that they're planning or wanting to use the equipment you're using. My second would be some aspect of my appearance, such as clothing (did I forget to zip up?), equipment (e.g., smart watch), or grooming (do I need a haircut?).
This resonated with me. I’ve had trouble in youth of this and others. I’m definitely going to ask to be tested. I have new insurance and hopefully it will pay for it now. Thank you sir for this.
This is an interesting insight.
Most times out in public I probably wouldn't see it if someone met my eye, because I am not looking for it. I'm sort of vaguely unfocussed, looking at an internal movie or otherwise lost in thought.
If they did it however, and I noticed, my first thought is probably "do I know that person?" I do get that a bit, and sometimes it takes a bit for me to work out the answer. I might smile vaguely, in the hope that it might come to me, while also wondering "have my clothes come undone/is there food on my face/is there something else?".
This video is so helpful. Makes me feel like we're truly all in this together. Thank you.
Lots of ideas in the comments too that might be helpful, I haven't read them yet
I've learned that a solid line of eye contact is often translated as meaning "do you want to talk?" which, after I've noticed the connection, I'll look away if I don't want to talk.
Or if I'm feeling in a challenging mood, I'll stare unblinking to impose myself, like "yes. I'm looking at you, and I'm not afraid to look at you." But then if they start coming over I'll look away, because I'm not actually wanting to talk to them.
These little guides are becoming incredibly useful for my daily life. Thank you so much for all of this unexpected help you're giving me!
This was a fun video! You should do more of these! It’s almost like you are an anthropologist/ethnographer studying/interpreting the strange habits and culture of neurotypical people.
That is exactly what we need.
We need to complete book on phrases and behaviors, and what they mean.
Because they are essentially a different species, and think completely differently than we do
Thank you for this explanation. Being an autist I would either disregard the contact (as I am married) or put a question out of honest curiosity and see what happens next: ‘I see you staring at me. Why’?
Now with your explanation I understand my ‘why?’ might be killing for any further contact. The NT might not be able to explain and feel uneasy or unsafe…
How easy can life be… Not thinking or asking questions… Just respond, look and saying ‘I see your eyes looking to me…..? And wait what happens…
I think your YT might be even helpful for NT persons who have difficulties with ‘negative thoughts’.
This video is very informative not just for autistic people, but to my kind of NT-s as well, because it helps me to understand the way you get to a conclusion. I have autistic kins and friends (including my 7 year old son), and it is bery important for me to better understand them. So thank you. :)
This is so helpful, thank you : )
The ambiguity is deliberate. If the man starts talking to the woman, and the woman doesn't like the conversation and becomes closed and disengaged, then the man notices and explicitly mentions that she initiated the conversation, the woman can very plausibly deny she did so and make the man believe he's misunderstood rather than she's changed her mind (because if she admits to changing her mind the man is liable to ask why, increasing risk of harm to both parties). And if the man doesn't respond to an ambiguous cue of this sort, she can rule him out as either being 'unavailable', or 'cowardly', or (socially) 'clueless', and so not worth engaging with in any case.
So, the ambiguity and subtlety is intended to both operate as a further screening stage, and as a damage limitation strategy if more information (i.e. an in-person conversation) causes her to change her mind.
So nonverbal communication is just sending out SYNs looking for ACKs? It makes so much more sense now.
Thank you, helpful video, & some amusing comments.. ❤😆
This was an excellent presentation. Upon going to your website there's a pic of you and another person for the header. It looks like a professionally shot and presented header. The About section only mentions you. Wondering who this is and if they are involved in the work of Autism From the Inside also esp since autism seems to be very different for different genders. TIA
Feels so weird that in my late 40s this was a helpful lesson for me.
Hmm if I'm in the gym and keep looking at someone and then having a blank face if they look at me, I am:
1) Wanting the machine they are using
2) Trying to see how they are working out/technique
3) Checking they're not watching me
It might be a minority opinion - but "cues" are pretty dysfunctional, even for neurotypical people. Better to make explicit communication the norm instead of guessing.
Around 6:30 you say that cue means someone is interested. I would not have thought about that. I would have assumed whomever was glancing at me was simply judging my physical appearance in either positive or negative and furthermore it would be that said person "would not" want to interact with me because they chose not to.
I use my superior intuition and my extended nervous system to pick up on the thoughts and intentions rather than trying to pick up on silly social ques. If that fails, I look them in the eyes and read the soul.
Suuurree
@@steffenirgens7022 I am not talking to you. Do you see your name tagged?
@@steffenirgens7022 In TH-cam if it doesn't have a name attached it is responding to the original poster.
@@steffenirgens7022 I am skeptical about people being able to read people's souls. It sounds self aggrandizing to claim that you can do that.
Very informative as always, tyvm!! I've noticed that I attract plenty of positive attention but it's always one way communication... as in, if I write a letter or if I've created a piece of artwork, or if I'm dressed in a way someone likes - it brings people to interact with me and a lot of them stick around because of the preconcieved idea they have of me regardless of what I actually am as a person. Allistics project a lot, even the very creative ones. And that's pretty human. But when it comes to two way communication I'm about as blind as my fellow autists. So I go with mirroring the other person, which makes any oddities come off as acceptable quirky vibes. But it doesn't go further than that. And the more times you meet the more chance it'll seem uncanny valley vibes. So I actually like meeting new people a great deal and dislike meeting anyone more than once. The more times I meet that person, the more likely I'll be found out for being strange to them. Like the examples of suggesting we exchange numbers or see each other next weekend too, that is much too difficult for me. Sometimes something will happen and I'll just randomly end up with friends. I admit it's much easier being a woman for that to happen. But it wasn't really anything I thought about or have the skill to pull off when I want. Many times, people will think our interaction was awesome and I'm this or that, but I don't ask to continue the relationship or initiate at all. I've had people be very confused about what I'm doing and if I just outright hate them and that I just flipped my personality when all that happened is they projected something and I didn't know what they were projecting exactly. Generally, my main goal is to get through any convo with new person or non friend with both of us in tact! Basically, this video was extra helpful because I don't think I'm actually reading many social cues well even though I mask or try my best to interact in a pleasant manner.