i have two children. i totally cannot imagine my life without them and i absolutely love being a mum, but it is also the hardest thing I have ever done. It is hard, but also wonderful. It isn't one or the other, it's both.
Totally agree. I have two boys and like they say : "We didn't say it will be easy, but it will be worthy". The biggest problem with being a parent in this age is comparison and impossible ideals that are placed (like in life in general). Being a parent should be natural and intuitive, but since we lost our touch with ourselves that guides our intuition, we rely on outside sources for advice and guidance, and that is endless pit of conflicting advices /judgment /... Parenting is easy as being a child... Do not miss on this unique opportunity to meet yourself and these new humans you created, through that unique and extraordinary experience and unbreakable bond
My mum told me that before she had us (3 total), she worried about if she could do it and how we would turn out, and how she'd feel responsible if we turned into bad people. She got three of the calmest kids I can imagine. But then I also think she's an amazing and understanding person, so she got back what she put out.
Absolutely agree! I think the reason we talk about the downsides more is that a lot of mums (and dads) say they weren't aware at all of the negative aspects, and wish they'd been better prepared, but it's so intimidating for those considering parenthood!
Children thrive on structure (yes you may have to pivot sometimes for emergencies or illness but) they will grow up in your house, whatever rules and routines you have in place are the rules and routines that will become second nature to them. Yes being a parent will change your life, but.. your life will change anyways. We are all growing and changing year over year. Think back 1, 3 or 5 years ago and how different your life was. If there is love in your heart, you can't go wrong raising your child.
I am exactly the same as you; sensory issues, thriving in rigid structure, etc. I waited until I was 32 to have a kid and currently have my 9 month old son. I had always been on the fence too, but the minute I saw him when he was born everything in me changed. I still love my hobbies, although I can’t do them as much now, but that’ll change as he gets older. We’re also only having one kid as we decided that’s all we can handle. And our family feels complete with our one little guy. Comparatively, life was kind of boring before he came along. I love him and absolutely adore watching him learn and grow.
I’m the mother of a six month old baby girl. Yes, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s also the most rewarding, love-filled, character building thing I’ve ever experienced. Nothing compares. The love I feel for her has grown from almost nothing when she was born during a traumatic birth, to immense and all-consuming. Being her mother is a delight and a struggle, all at once. What thing worth doing is going to be easy? Just like trying to reduce my screen time, it’s a fight and a struggle but it’s for the biggest cause of my life and I am becoming a better version of myself every day just for having her around. Being a parent is incredibly hard but so is going to the gym, saving money, traveling to a foreign and tropical country, leaning a new language etc. All of these things help you grow, but none even come close to being a parent. Could you imagine how much bigger the growth is from parenting? If you can’t see yourself without children, I hope with all my heart that you will have them ❤ Be prepared for the hardest thing that’s ever happened to you, and that the bar for what is hard to be raised tenfold. But also brace yourself for being filled with purpose, love and strength you couldn’t even fathom existed!
Mom of two, (baby and toddler), having kids is wonderful. One thing I wasn't expecting when I had children was just how much I enjoy the company of my children. My toddler is just a lovely human being who is funny and intelligent and I enjoy her company as a human not just as a squishy cute child. My husband often says that being single is a kind of awesome, being married is a different kind of awesome, and having kids is a still different kind of awesome. Each stage is awesome in its own way and yes there are things that you have to let go of from one stage as you enter another, but there are new awesomes you get to pick up that weren't available to you in a previous stage. Don't let the internet scare you, having children is hard, but so it many aspects of being a person at whatever stage you are
I have never heard anyone talk about having kids like this, I REALLY resonate with this!! I have never imagined my life without kids but also have generalized anxiety disorder and have difficulty with change and an unstructured environment. I do have a lot of cousins with kids though so I do get to see the good sides, that it’s not just what people say about it on the internet.
Having my daughter is the BEST thing I ever did. I know how you feel but honestly, it is the best decision I ever made. Can't imagine life without her. Being a parent is so rewarding.
You said yourself you could not see your future without children. You answered your own question. Take a look at people in your real life, not online. I have 3 and I wouldn't change that for the world. I have severe anxiety but what you can't realize before having a baby is how much you grow and change too. Your love for them enables you to handle more because they are worth it, even when tired, cranky or sick. You will make a great mom.
I’m pregnant with my first and only and I couldn’t be more excited! I believe it’s a very personal experience, and just because others may not enjoy parenthood doesn’t mean that that has to be me. I’m ready and aware it will be a rollercoaster and I’m glad I can count on my husband! At the end of the day it’s nice knowing I’m not going through this journey alone and all the firsts will be shared with someone equally invested!
I have a 7 week old right now and I'm the first parent among my group of friends whom are all not at this stage at all in life. (I'm 25). I also experienced the pressure and I had a lot of anxiety about it at first during my pregnancy, but when she was born I adjusted very quickly and so far and I am enjoying every moment of it , even if it's sometimes "hard". But I always keep in mind that those difficult phases will pass and that you get a lot of good things in return❤ And what everyone says, good or bad, I'm not taking too seriously. No parent can be perfect😋
Enjoy, things will probably change when baby reaches 4-6 mo =) And then more so as time goes. Enjoy this little robot-angel you have sister, I'm happy for you
The “powers that be” , ( if you know, you know) are DESPERATE to frighten decent, young couples like you and Robert, to have zero children. Hubby and I had 5. The four youngest are now parents, or parents -to-be. We all love being parents
I made the choice of child free for multiple reasons but never ever felt parenting to be a “you made the choice, now deal with it” kind of a thing, nor do I recommend or attempt to sway people one way or the other. It’s one of the most personal things you can do in life, best to stick with people who have/will support you regardless of the decisions you make. In the end, if it’s a choice you your self made you can always own whatever regrets come along, the worst regrets are the ones you chose based on external opinions.
I respect your choice and I'm no one to judge you. Nature can also determine if some some couples can bring kids in the world. Although, nowadays, some people can get in treatments to bring kids into the world.
I have sensory issues, anxiety, and ADHD, and a 4 year old daughter. Yes, it has been tremendously hard, but its also the very best thing I ever did in my whole life. ♡ She brings me so much joy and fulfillment. I think, based on what you've said, that if you don't have kids, you will really regret it. I think you'd be such an incredible mom, not in spite of your personality, but because of it. :) ❤
I don’t mind when people complaining about their kids. It’s cathartic to “get your yayas out”. What I don’t like is the entitlement some parents think they deserve. At least once a week I will hear complaints in my office like, “I should get more holidays as I have kids”, “ I should get to start later than everyone else as I have to drop my kids at school” and my favourite “you should work Christmas Day as you don’t have a family” 😡 those type of complains annoy me, and I do think in my head “having kids was your choice” 😂 we tried for a few years but after the third miscarriage I didn’t want to try anymore and honestly I am quite glad it didn’t happen. I love my childless life and wouldn’t change a thing. Fate had my back, apparently.
As a mother and a recent empty nester, I can offer some hope. Sure, you will love your children, but they will also love you. My children have been an amazing support system and this is a huge benefit. Your children will be there for you. If you are hurt, they will take care of you. If life is crazy, they pitch in to make it less crazy. My kids were supportive rocks when my mother died, kept the household running, and were there during so many other heavy events which made dealing with chaos so much easier. As children age through tweens to teenagers, they mature and become responsible in their own right. Having children, to me, is to share responsibility with them. In fact, I would offer that life gets easier with children as you age.
My oldest kept the place going when my husband and I came down with Covid. I felt terrible about it, but it's a really strong, positive memory (well, not positive, but more heroic/meaningful) for him. It was over Christmas, and over his 11th birthday! 😭 But for the four days that I was down and out, he did so many things. He brought in the wood for heating the house, he made food for his little sisters, and he brought liquids to his dad, who was near hospitalization. I was able to tell him what to do, and to do some things like make soup and make a fire once he brought the logs in. He was so mature and uncomplaining, which is very much the opposite of how he usually does chores😂. I was so glad that my mom brought a birthday cake to the door on his birthday. Now, that's an extreme example, but it kind of shows how having children makes the "team" bigger. I love my squad. I wish I had four instead of three. I had a difficult time adjusting from 0-1, but after I grieved my old life, I felt better and there are other good things to enjoy. And as my children get older, I am getting back to my old hobbies and it's so fun to introduce them to as well! It really goes so quickly. My eldest is now a teenager, and my baby is 8, and this part of life is going to be over pretty soon. I'm starting to realize just how much I enjoyed having little ones, it wasn't easy, but there's a lot of joy and meaning that fills life at that stage.
I'm childfree and I have never seen or heard of any kind of pressure to not have children. Quite the opposite. "You will change your mind later", "You will regret it", "It's not always easy but the best thing in my life ...." ... I have heard it all. I wish there was more support for childfree women. Or at least people would stop treating us as if we are stupid and incapable of making decisions for our own lives.
I was diagnosed with ADHD just a few years before having children. I was terrified it would affect motherhood for me. I get distracted, and overstimulated easily, and I can be really emotional. Then I spent so much time learning to adjust my lifestyle to work with my adhd instead of against it, and I was worried having kids would totally undo all my hard work. Now I have a 9 month old daughter and yes things have changed but my goodness, it is the best kind of chaos. It’s better than what I could’ve imagined. I find that my adhd makes me a creative and empathetic parent. My anxiety over her well being exists of course, but I’m so busy having fun it only pops up here and there. Plus I have a partner who is very supportive and involved, sharing the responsibility makes a huge difference! People love to harp on the negative, and yes of course it’s hard raising humans, but don’t let them ruin your excitement!
I love how brave and vulnerable you are❤ I'm childfree - I never wanted children, and still don't want to. I'm so sorry you feel pressured not to have children. I have felt the same way my whole life, just opposite. Just want to say that a community of likeminded people definitely helps. I have found mine on Facebook in online groups for childfree people, and I know there is online groups for fence sitters as well ❤I think your thoughts and feelings is something a lot of people can relate to. The choice should be entirely our own, and not others. I think the best thing we can do is to not let our fears and others judgements and expectations dictate how we should live our lives. It is though a lot easier said than done. It's always good to think about what we want in life and why, and about the consequences of our choices - but ofc. not to an extend were we feel paralyzed from fears and unable to make choices. Take your time. There is no need to hurry. It's totally okay if you want kids, and totally okay if you don't want kids, and you don't have to make that decision right now. Take your time. As an add on: I think it's important for all kind of narratives/perspectives to be voiced: childfree, people that want or already have children, fence sitters etc. The important thing is to not pressure, judge, control or dehumanize etc. others for their choices. We are all different. The right and freedom to choose should always be respected. I do see some from the childfree community as well as parents attack and judge each other for their choices, and that is not okay.
I also never had kids. Knew I didn’t from a teenager. My opinion was if I can’t be a good mom ( which I was afraid I couldn’t/ wouldn’t) I didn’t want to do it. You CANT TAKE THEM BACK TO WALMART AND EXCHANGE THEM IF YOU REALIZE YOU CANT DO IT. I saw my two older sisters with children and decided it was not for me. My mom told me I would change my mind. I haven’t I’m 55. I do have 4 step children and became a “Mom” in my 30s. I would not give up my “children” for anything. I am not their “ birth” mom but I am their Mom. Their birth mom has not been around for years! That has made it easier than most. As a grandmother of 8 I can say it is not going to be what you think but it will be awesome. Just raise good humans and it will be fine!
I had my son very young, at 23 and I always knew I wanted kids. I was not prepared for how hard it was. But it has honestly been the best thing I have ever done it my life. The one thing I think is really important is PATIENCE. Things will not go to plan, you will make mistakes, but having patience and allowing yourself grace goes a long way. I think the people who worry the most about what kind of parents they will make are already on their way to being good parents. ❤
I was convinced I do not want children before getting married. After I got married something just changed. I have two little girls and it's the best thing ever. They are so much fun to be around and I love them to the sky and back. There are times when it's hard for sure, but I feels it's so worth it. Having kids changed me and made me a better version of myself (still work in progress). Cheers!
My mum says she wouldn’t change having my sister and me for anything. She says we’re the best thing that happened to her, and the moment she held us in her arms as babies was so pure. To her, we’re her best friends and the reason she wakes up every morning. And now I feel like I’m going to cry, so I’m stopping there😅
Wow, so glad for you to have this! 😀❤️ I think it must be very beautiful. I didn’t have this relationship wity my parents and that’s the reason I am happy for everyone that has it!
I have a 2 year old and I can say the first few years are hard because it's all very new. Parenthood is a funny thing because you can go from thinking that it's the worst thing in the world to the best thing in a blink of an eye or really really needing an afternoon off but then spend that time missing your little one. But when my daughter comes along and cuddles into me or plays with me it is one of the nicest feelings xxx
The shot of you pouring yourself tea quickly during the baby talk cracked me up 😂 just compared to the first time you poured tea at the beginning with the slow, calming music. And girl I feel you. I'm in my late 20s and super single and those thoughts are very much in my mind! Although I would say my main "worry" is that I come across frequently online about women having infertility issues and that makes me feel like even if I do take the plunge and one day try to get pregnant... would it even happen??? Realistically I'll be in my mid 30s at least! It sucks. I hope you can make the best decision for yourself
Motherhood is currently changing my life... it is hard and "plunging into chaos" is pretty accurate lol but there are enough wonderful moments and times that balance out all the anxiety and the struggles. It does change most every part of your life... but so far, it's all stuff that has made me better or pushed me to heal in places I wasn't expecting.
It's the opposite for me. I always knew i don't want children - and most people are trying to convince me that I will regret it later! I'm happy like this, enjoy my freedom and if I regret it later- so be it then... I don't think so. But the other way round - I'm a primary school teacher - we have a lot of children where you kind of feel, the parents just got them because -you need to have children! So yeah I agree - better be sure about it, as you said - there is no going back.
I was a big fence sitter until I found I was pregnant. I'm so happy that we took the plunge because having my kiddo has been the hardest, yet best thing I've ever done. The sleepless nights/sporadic sleep is what really made it difficult for me and caused my anxiety to spike, but it forced me to really focus on my mental health (which I did nothing for previously). I'm such a better person now that I was pre-kid.
I can relate to this. Especially the last part of what you said. You grow as a parent AND a person for sure. I remember my mom saying as much too..she said she learned a lot as a parent.
Regarding kids- My bio parents had me when they were still teens, and I was put up for adoption. My adoptive parents REALLY wanted kids, but could not have their own. They tried for 10 years before adopting me, and they have never regretted it, even during the difficult times of raising a child. My bio parents actually regretted putting me up for adoption. They ended up getting back together after a couple of years, and they had literally TEN more children. My bio mom has been a SAHM her entire adult life, and it seems to have been her calling. Having that many kids was DEFINITELY a choice, and they all have very fulfilling lives. They still have hobbies, travel, and have friends. Even in the face of mental health adversities (depression, anxiety, alcoholism, etc), all four of my parents have made it through and both households have so far come out in tact.
I waited too long to have kids and really regret it. Currently raising a friends two children, and they are little adorable monsters lol but i regret nothing in regards to them. They are now 8 and 5 and I've been raising them since the 8 yr old was 6 months old. All the headaches, worries, panic attacks, broken crockery, broken walls and furniture: worth it. The trust and love they give makes it worth it. Just my opinion ❤
Thank you for articulating such a difficult subject. It was so good to hear you give voice to something I didn't realise I was feeling too until you said it out loud. It's been wonderful to read everyone's comments too. You really served the tea.... and a lot of food for thought xx ❤❤
Oh. My. Goodness. Your words about how you are feeling pressure around having kids (or not having them) were so validating for me to hear. I’m 30, got married a couple months before you 😆 and am thinking about having children. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I’ve been feeling the same way. I want to have kids, but everything I see is telling me it would be the worst thing to do for my well-being. I also struggle with anxiety and sensory issues (loud noises, etc.) I also am really sensitive to change and thrive with routine and adequate sleep. I’m a super logical thinker and love making plans and lists. Everything I see about parenting makes it look like it will be cripplingly difficult and may even put my mental health at risk. What I’ve seen online makes it seem that becoming a parent will not only test my mental, emotional and physical limits, but may also jeopardize my relationships with loved ones and even my marriage. It feels scary. So it was so validating to hear that you’ve felt similarly as me. I too have actively searched online for positive anecdotes on parenting. Some friends have shared positive experiences with me and that has helped me feel a little better about it. People assure me it isn’t as bad as it seems on social media and there is so much joy and love that it helps weigh out the struggle. I do believe, as you’ve said that the only way to know is to try and I also believe that a life with children sounds more fulfilling (especially as I age) than one without. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on the topic. Thank you again for sharing. It’s helped me feel less alone. I love your videos. I usually watch them while I sew or quilt. For what it’s worth, from what I see of you and your personality from your videos, I think you would make an amazing mom.
Toxic mommy culture on social media is THE WORST! The way people talk about their children can be incredibly disrespectful. They forget to give their little ones a full measure of the rights and dignity owed to them as a member of the human race just because they're not fully developed. Lean into real-life conversations with both new and experienced parents. Don't put stock in advice that sounds embittered. Find the people who deliberately choose to frame hardships and difficulties in a positive and constructive manner. Those are the people who are equipped to help you walk through life with all its ups and downs!
My only real regret about becoming a mom is that I didn’t go into it as thoughtfully and carefully as I could have. I just assumed that I wanted kids and should have kids and jumped into it without considering the timing very much. I think I would have coped with the early hard parts a little better if I had. But my kids are 19 and 13 and the greatest joy of my life. They’re people I genuinely enjoy spending time with, which to me says I’m doing an okay job. I will say, the challenges of raising teenagers have been very different than I expected. Everyone says to parents of toddlers, “If you think it’s bad now, wait until they’re teenagers!”, which I hate because who needs that when they’re exhausted from parenting a toddler?? It IS really hard, in some ways much harder than when they were toddlers, but not for any of the reasons people told me it would be hard. I think what you said about teenagers and their development and how proud you are of them when they do well is precisely the right attitude. I don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t be a great mum, especially if you have a solid and equal relationship with your partner. On an unrelated note, the filmmaking of this video was very, very beautiful, and so good for my soul. 😊
Speaking as a parent of a one year old: yes, it is challenging, but it is so so amazing! The beauty of seeing a human grow and develop daily is that most beautiful thing I have ever experienced ❤
You tugged at my heart strings in your conflicted thoughts about children. I hope nothing but the best for your life journey with or without children. I only have a dog and a parrot and no regrets. This video was so much fun. I feel the same about the gym, some days I hate going but I always feel better for having gone.
Mum of 2 here! I have always wanted kids and helped out friends when they had kids so saw how hard but how rewarding it could be. There are days where you want to lock yourself in a room to just have some time alone but then there are wonderful days where you see the wonder of the world through them and get to watch them experience things for the first time! It is hard but it's worth the work you put in! It is also a very personal choice and you don't have to justify it to anyone outside of your relationship!!
Hannah Witton has just uploaded a video to her second channel going in depth about how her life has changed since having her baby! Could be useful. I had a baby myself nearly a year ago and it's a steep learning curve, but all worth it. Your body/mind is wired to respond to your baby with love and you would do anything for them. Hardest for me has been lack of sleep, I just love my sleep! But I still nap when he naps 😅 My life hasn't changed massively though, I just involve him in what I would usually do! So for example, you could easily have your baby out in the garden with you in a bouncer while you garden, or sitting with his own books while you read 😊
Being a parent is magnitudes harder than I expected but I wouldn’t want it any different. I have 3 children and we home educate so I am with them all day every day. It’s exhausting, but they have taught me to be the best version of myself. They have helped me heal trauma around loved ones getting hurt. I too have sensory issues, but what I would say is that your children will be like you, not like someone else’s children and I’m often told mine are very respectful and well behaved (they’re just quiet observers when out). I’m not like a single social media parent and not like most of my friends either, but we do what works best for our family
I am twenty years older than you, but there are a lot of things you say or mention that I think, “Hey, same here!” When I was about 9 or 10, I came to the realization that I was never going to have kids. I have no idea why that came to me but now that I’m an adult I’m glad I did! I never had a desire or want for children which, as I found out in my thirties, was probably a good thing. At 39 I had a heart attack (I’m an anomaly, no family history, not over weight, don’t drink/smoke, etc.). Anyway, they ended up finding an ascending aortic aneurysm, basically I have an aneurysm sitting right above my heart, due to a birth defect; I only have two aortic valves instead of 3. Chances are I could have died giving birth because no one knew about this! Then at 41, I had to have a hysterectomy. I had been battling endometriosis most of my life, and had one ovary removed in my 20s due to recurring cysts. After the surgery the doctor confirmed one thing I already knew, that I had a cyst on the remaining ovary, but also the lining of the uterus was growing into itself. So chances are I would never have held on to an embryo full term. Miscarriages probably would have been what I would have had a lot of. Despite this, I am glad I knew young that I wasn’t going to have kids because I wasn’t devastated when I found I could not have or would not have any; though, before my hysterectomy I did sort of regret a little that I wouldn’t have any). Having children is a personal choice. In today’s world people rely too much on what others think or say. At the end of the day, the decision is yours and your husband’s choice. If you had no social media, no outside communication with the entire world, what would you do? What do you both personally choose for your lives? Having children, like having pets, is a personal choice, and it will be hard. I have a lot of furry children and some that aren’t furry (my house came with a lot of turtles), but they are a lot of work. They get sick, all over my floors, they get sick terminally, they fight with one another, they have to be fed, washed, and taken to the doctor just as children do. It’s exhausting yet I still have them and get them (more animals). Just as your precious rats were when they were alive. Children are also at risk of passing as well. How do you think you would handle losing a child? It’s not something people think about, and are devastated when they lose a child. I’m not trying to be depressing, I’m just an over thinker whose been through a lot. People say having pets is nothing like having kids, but I disagree; though I have never had kids myself. I am an aunt… the only difference between kids and pets is that pets can’t talk back. I think you would be a great mom, and you both would be wonderful parents. Just make sure you make the decision on children for yourselves and not on what others say… if you bothered to read all of my blabber (so sorry this is so long), I know you will be wise in your decision and wish you both all the love and luck you deserve! You are both so charming. 🙂💕
I haven’t met someone that had a similar situation to me! I also knew at a young age I didn’t want kids. Found myself a partner that didn’t want kids as well. We were together about 5 years (now 10 years strong) when the doctors “broke the news” that I would never be able to have children. They tried to brake the news carefully. But I was honestly so relieved 😅 Now when people try to argue with me about how I should have kids I turn their sayings around on them. “God never gives you more then you can handle and he made me unable to have kids.” They usually look dumbfounded and stop talking 🤣
I became at stepmom at 24 and was so scared. My step child was 4. They are almost 18 and going off to college. I can't imagine what life will be like without them. Being their parent was one of the best gifts life has given me and I was not expecting anything.💕
In my experience, when you have younger siblings and children in your life in general you have realistic expectations about becoming a parent. Especially if you acknowledge the struggle that comes with parenthood, which seems like you already do. My first little baby is going to be one year old soon. There are hard days and limits to what i used to do. But I've had hard days before. And they always pass. It is really an up and down. One moment i feel like: this is what i am naturally really good at, i love it, lets have one more - and five minutes later it might be like: please let me have a moment on my own, why is this so overwhelming? It also helps tremendously being an introvert. I dont mind spending days inside with limited company 😂. I guess what i am trying to say: a life can be fulfilling with and without children and challenging with and without them. It is just different.
The decision for children is HARD. I wanted them my whole life. I have 2 now, 4 and almost 6, and I can say it’s been the most taxing factor on my daily mental health. Only you know your personality and tolerances, so if you want children have them! I will say I was happier before children.
It gets better and if you really find you lack the happiness you had before children please seek help. Recharging your mental physical health is important being a healthy mum. The joy should outweigh the lows. I hope you find happiness everyday.
It's a statistical fact that people are less happy after having children. I don't think this makes having children worse or better, it's just part of the sacrifice of caring for little humans. Kudos to you for being brave enough to admit it!
As someone who has a baby. Yes, it is hard and exhausting, and I would not change it at all. My daughter makes me so happy.I am a stay at home mom and I would never change it. I love being a mother, but yes it is exhausting. I feel like I love this version of me the most. I have had my struggles but you always will. I also love schedules, but I cannot control my baby (sleep etc) I follow my baby's lead and it actually has relieved some of my anxiety. I have learned to let go and it has helped my anxiety. To all the people who say "well, you made the choice..." they lack empathy for another persons situation. Being a parent is a full time job. We would never say it about lets say a doctor, we would probably say something empathetic. Both jobs are a choice, yes, but that does not mean we should belittle someone's exhaustion. I would ignore the people who make fun of parents and children. For whatever reason they like to make it their entire personality. The first year is difficult, but the best year of my life. My daughters smile makes it worth it. I am her safe space, I love it when she falls asleep in my arms as I know this will not last forever. Her giggle is magnificent, she screams in joy when she sees a cat and it's the best. I know in time I will reunite with "me" again, but for now my little girl makes every sleepless night, the ppd/ppa, and every hardship worth it. It's ok for both exhaustion and joy to coexist, it doesn't mean parents regret their children or don't love them, it's ok for us to acknowledge that. Don't let other people deter you from having children. I would recommend you follow mothernurturenourish on instagram to get the perspective that it's ok for motherhood to be contradictory at times. I hope my words have helped you!
I've had many many complications after childbirth (the birthing experience was great despite all of the pain). I have developed chronic pain and everything still hurts after 8 months. I still don't regret having my baby girl. But that's after getting to know her, after I learned to love her. I wouldn't lie to anyone: it's very hard even on standard circumstances. Motherhood is never easy. Post-partum does not consist of a few days - it can last years, and probably will. I mourn my old life, and cherish my new one every single day. My baby is difficult, very much high needs, and every time I see her smile my hear melts. Every single time. It's a kind of love I never knew before and I would do it all again, all for her.
For a person who doesn’t want children, having them would probably be a horrible idea. But for someone who wants children, the hardships that come are easily overshadowed by the child’s very existence. I’m almost 28, and a mom of 3, and I have to say it is hard to wake up every day and choose to live my life in service to 3 other little people. But when I hear them laughing, or they tell me a story they just made up about their Lego guy, or lay their head on my shoulder…to experience their contentment and know that I did something good for them, though it cost me some comfort, some autonomy; it’s so worth it. And I go to bed imagining all the ways I will create a life of contentment for all of us. Henry David Thoreau is credited with saying “Every child begins the world again” and it’s true. The whole world is new in their eyes…I don’t know you, but you *seem* like the kind of person who would revel in the wonder of raising a child. I hope you find the freedom to follow your desires, whatever they turn out to be ❤
I totally agree that too much on social media is highlighting the hard and bad parts of parenthood. And yes the hard parts are so real but omg I cannot imagine my life without my child. I’m glad I waited until I was ready but I also wish I was ready sooner (if that makes sense) because she really brings out a better side to me. I have more purpose. I was forced to work on myself for her sake and I’m so much better for it. I’m more patient and I have set healthier boundaries with people in my life, new and old. I genuinely enjoy playing with her and seeing how much she just loves me wholeheartedly and purely. At the end of a hard day cuddling with her and just taking the time to decompress with her and see the world through her eyes is just so nice and a feeling like no other. Coming from a mom who has major anxiety issues and gets overstimulated like crazy 💜
I have raised two children into adulthood. Each phase of development has its struggles and its absolute beauty. Being a parent was something I always imagined for myself. Though it hasn't always been the fairytale my childhood self imagined, it has definitely been the single most fulfilling aspect of my life. I too struggle with anxiety and also depression. Knowing they were counting on me kept me moving forward when I didn't think I could go on. My adult children are amazing. I highly recommend parenthood to anyone who wants it. To those who don't want to have children, good for you. Live your best life. You don't have to breed and no one has the right to make you feel like you should.
I really relate to how you described wanting children but being unsure about jumping into chaos. I really value my alone time, getting a lot of sleep, and doing what I want to do. I guess I never really felt the pressure to not have children, so I always knew I would do it eventually. If anything, I’m just glad I was able to take my time, enjoy my peace and routine for a few years. We didn’t rush into it after getting married, we did a bit of traveling and enjoying life together (as much as possible considering the pandemic). I have a three month old now. It’s hard but really rewarding. I miss being able to do a lot of the things I used to love doing. But I’m gonna be able to do those things again in the future! When she’s older, we can go shopping and go to restaurants, and have days out and find new hobbies. Together. The parts that everyone says makes parenthood not worth it, those are a blimp of time in the grand scheme of your life. And, in turn, your life will be richer forever.
Mom of 2 here (ages 1 and 3), and I absolutely adore my life. Here's the thing - it's hard, but it's incredibly wonderful. We can do hard things!! I think you would be a tremendous mom. Although chaos is kind of part of the deal, children thrive in an environment of cleanliness, beauty, calm, and routine. You're so well suited to providing them that! You will learn how to take care of them and learn how to care for yourself along with them. I didn't have my kids until my 30s, so I know what that's like. You're so much more mature and capable than you were ten years ago! We have an advantage here. What are the good reasons to have children? I see my children as the spark of life and joy that came into my home and turned it into a family. My husband and I were together for many years before having our kids, and we were very happy as a couple. But for us, kids made it a family. My house feels like a family home. Our activities feel like we're creating precious childhood memories. The love is actually indescribable. I didn't know it was possible to love another person the way I love my children. I have the privilege of helping them grow up into adults and live their own lives. It's such a gift to be able to love them and care for them through their childhood. I'm a very different person now than I was before becoming a parent. I'm much stronger, calmer, mature, and responsible. I have learned so much about taking care of myself and others. I'm ridiculously proud of myself for what I've done. I made people! I take care of them! It isn't easy, but I would never trade it for anything. If your heart wants children, you are MORE than capable of it. You are so able to learn, grow, and handle anything that comes your way.
very well said! I agree with all of it (: "I made people!" is the best 😂 it's true though! so very fascinating, I can still not really believe this baby is almost entirely made by me.. every little bit that he grew so far, he grew inside of me or through my breast milk. it's really crazy and truly unbelievable!
I struggle with anxiety and a lot of similar issues to yours. I have 2 kids. I really like having kinds. They are very curious and hilarious. I my case I stress out and struggle a lot more with my jobs. I say jobs in multiple, because I've changed many to find balance. I think a lot of people, both men and women, struggle with work more than with their kids. It's just not a popular thing to say. I fell into my role as a parent quite well. There were challenges of course. When the baby is born they need you constantly and it's exhausting, but as they gain independence, it gets easier every days. If you really want children, you should listen to your own wants. People who don't want children have every right to choose their own adventure, and you have the right to choose yours.
Having children is amazing, I have three! It's a little difficult to create TH-cam videos at the moment because I also homeschool, but with that said I still find the time to work on my own projects by waking up a little earlier, and receiving help from family (sewing a wedding dress for my sister at the moment). My eldest girl is seven and she is into the same hobbies I am. We bought her a sewing kit, and she even picked up how to use a treadle sewing machine properly. It's so fun to work on projects together! We also love to travel as a family, camping in particular... so many memories and so much fun! Children can be a challenge at times, but it's also such a natural part of life, and will bring you happiness. I am only speaking from my own personal experience, and I came to realize that a lot has to do with the energy I project onto my children.
I think I get what you mean about your parenting fears. Thinking back to when I was a kid, my parents did struggle and it probably was really hard. But then now as an adult I think of the relationship I have with my parents and I love spending time with them. I think parenting is just one of those labors of love that isn't going to be fireworks everyday, but will feel really rewarding many days.
I am so happy I had my one and done daughter. It has been absolutely amazing. Sure, it is a big difference to the life I had before, especially in the beginning, but I am so happy to have her and I cannot imagine how my life would be without her. My daughter is approaching 4 now. My husband and I are both blown away with how great it is to have her. Don’t listen to the people who say you shouldn’t have kids if you express any kind of struggle in parenthood. Those people are dismissive to the experience as a whole. It is tough. It is also absolutely worth it. It is valid to feel both things. It is okay to wonder, to seek community and help, to need breaks and rest, to express yourself fully. P.S. Lucy, I love the way you styled your hair here!
I relate so much with the "to have or not to have kids" 😂 Thanks for helping me realise that what I actually feel is a pressure to not have children, never thought about it that way 🤯
I was 35 when I had my first child. I struggled with all the issues you noted. He is now 23 and I regret nothing. It was hard, but so delightful! You do what you think is best for you.
Having children is the best thing i ever did in my 58 years! Those 4 gems have caused me to grow as a human more than anything else. People make it harder on themselves than they need to because they try to control and dictate every aspect of a child's life. Just relax and go with the flow. Watch them grow, fail, mature, and love them all along the way. You wont.regret it!
Thank you for sharing about the pressure you feel to not have kids! I feel the same way and while I completely respect everyone who has made that decision for themselves the commentary online is so demoralising! I have always wanted kids but like you am a rational based decision maker (and anxious!) so constantly hearing the challenges of parenthood laid out as facts alongside the less abstract “children are wonderful” has given me so much turmoil in what otherwise probably wouldn’t have been a difficult decision at all. For me, I’ve decided that I’m now well informed about the struggles of parenthood and have taken what I need from that part of the internet so I’m not watching it anymore and that has helped me decide to trust my lifelong gut feeling that children are a “must” for me in life. Talking to people with kids in real life has also helped to get the more complete picture. I hope you can come to a decision you feel at peace with that is right for you!
Honestly I have had hard times as a parent but I will never regret having children! I have three which is a lot for the times but they have made me a better person. I’m also very scheduled and while I have to be somewhat flexible the kids thrive on knowing what they are doing every day. I hate that social media seems to encourage complaining. Complaining about children, partners, parents. I feel like that is playing a part in what can makes family life harder. I can’t relate to any of it! Probably the worst part of being a parent is the constant judgment from other parents and people who don’t have children except the hypothetical perfectly raised children in their own minds.Every day my children surprise me in some unexpected and positive way. I don’t know if any of my thoughts are making sense but I am being honest🙂
Super sense, to be sincere I prefer not even watch social media parents because everything is so extreme, ppl complaining alot ppl who show "perfect" life, so no, I prefert watch videos of ppl cleaning and I'm happy 😅
Can’t agree with you more on social media encouraging complaining. “My husband is sOOooo dumb!” “Oh no, my kids are home from school; I love when they’re gone!” It makes me very sad. I have so much gratitude for my son and my husband, and I can’t imagine complaining about them. They fill my life with so much joy.
@@agentcallisto me too, my husband is an amazing husband and dad, I homeschooling my kid (the older , the other want is too little) because I want him to be here in his home, because I want him to go to any sport he decide (here where I live the school system is soo long in the day from 8 am to 5 pm) and would hate my kids stay all day long for obligation there, so I decided to homeschooling and he goes to different sport during the day with his friends, I feel sad too when I heard parents complaining about their partners and kids.. I WANT to be with my kids..
@@agentcallisto yep! Me and my husband are supper on board of homeschooling because we don't want our kids spend ALL DAY in the school, we prefer he have in the morning school related things and he have all the evening to go to any hobby with his friends, here were I live alot of mom do homeschooling and they alot of times go together to play with kids to parks and things like that :)
I have 2 children and 100000x over I would chose to have them again. I despise how social media portrays having children, like its terrible, like showers will never be possible again, like your love life will never happen again, like you'll be in a child prison for the next 20 years, etc. It's enough to make anybody afraid to have children. I had an extremely easy baby and delivery and an extremely hard baby and nearly died in his delivery. It has challenges for sure but they're worth it. I had a fantastic pediatrician who had 7 children and he told he how to get my babies on a schedule that fit my life and not the other way around. He said you cannot turn your whole life upside down for a child until it's 20. He said things change but you must learn to live together and they need to be on a schedule that works with you. We took our babies everywhere with us and they were/are really great in public and home. If you set rules and schedule breaks like them staying with a grandparent every few weeks or a sitter so you can have time then you'll be ok. I didn't have grandparents but my best friend and her boyfriend would watch mine every once in a while and her mom loved taking them from time to time. Accept the offers of help!!!! Children are wonderful and when you have them you'll understand why nobody can really put why into words.
There is not a parent in the world who hasn't had doubts about their parenting or troubles being a good parent in their eyes. I know I did and still do, and my son is grown and on his own! I also have all the same anxieties etc that you described. In the end, it's to each their own if they have children. Don't let anyone persuade you either way. Kids will test you in every way possible as a person and parent. You will be frustrated, doubt yourself, anxious, and every emotion possible, but when you see that look of love and joy in your child's eyes when you play with them, hang out with them... you will never regret YOUR decision to become a parent!
I'm a 40 year old woman with no kids. What I learned for myself ad from other people who don't have kids is: 1. Many people will finally stop putting pressure on you soon as you're turning 38/39. 2. I used to be a selfish, nervous workaholic, but I after a mild burnout that - among other things - led to a better job I became a much calmer, much more relaxed and balanced person from around my late 30s, without having kids. 3. My dogs were/are my "children" and I'm okay with that 😊
Having kids is the best thing I have ever done. Parenting is as hard as you make it. If you constantly put pressure on yourself to be the Pinterest perfect parent it is not fun. If you embrace the struggles and successes and know you are doing the best you can it is amazing. I fall in love with my kids at every stage, babies, toddler elementary and now teenagers.
Hi! I don't usually comment but this topic of parenthood and the pressure do don't have it felt so relatable. Thank you for sharing your pressure. It is difficult to share my experience in a comment, but I'll try. I think in the western world there is something linked with how we were brought up. I felt growing up that my existence was bothering the world. That I don't deserve to exist because other people struggle and I have too much, that the way I live brings suffering (consuming food, clothes, travel). Only as a 30 year old I realized how this message is something I picked up subconsciously without realizing until I started questioning it. I am not religious but I am thankful that I have a family now. My 10 month old was the hardest and most joyous thing I ever had to do. He is now the reason I live. I came to the realisation that career was depressing for me and having a family is my reason to wake up in the morning. I know children will grow and have their own lives, but they will be linked with me forever. It is okay to live and create live, even if it is hard. I wished I knew that sooner. I haven't been more tired and happy in my life and I don't want it in any other way.
It is so natural to want to have children. And yes, these days parents are left alone and told to deal with their kids with no help and that it was their choice so it's entirely their responsibility. It's so sad that peoplet think that way now, and it makes no sense! Having said this, having children is such a life changing and wonderful experience, that you shouldn't let other people prevent you from having it. It is very, very hard and at times chaotic. But the difficulty is matched by how beautiful and rewarding it is. It's hard work because it's good work.
I have bad anxiety and have to have everything organised, we tried for 8 years for our first baby, I’m not going to lie but it is hard at times but not as hard as you would imagine. We had it hard to start with as he come 5 weeks early, weighed only 5Lbs and was in intensive care for 2 weeks before we could bring him home. It’s so much more rewarding. We could never go back to our old lives now, he’s such a blessing now at 5 months old and seeing him smile everyday is the best thing. Only you can decide if you would like children or not, don’t let anyone else change your mind or tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. And as you mentioned about social media, there will always be haters and people waiting for you to “fail”. I think you would make an amazing mother and you would love it. But again it’s your choice xx
Having children has been the biggest inspiration for me. You think you would do more of the soul searching and identity searching before you have children, but that was not true for me. I make more of a point to workout, etc. now that I have little ones that I want to teach by example. I won't say it isn't hard, there will always be challenges. BUT I think the #1 important factor in enjoying parenthood is a supportive partner! If you start to feel burnt out, you can safely express that and they provide that shoulder to lean on you need. They are the most beautiful souls!
Since starting working at my current workplace my attitude towards having children have changed. I used to feel just like you that so many people would just tell me how awful and stressful it is, but all of my colleagues with children always tell me how wonderful it is. They talk about all the great things you get to experience and how they solve things when it comes to them, and even when they talk about the stressful parts they do it in a way that is not disheartening and makes me not want children myself. So I have gone from thinking I want them but I don’t know if it’s right, to actually really wanting them and feeling more equipped.
Being a mother is the best feeling and the most amazing blessing I have ever received in my life. Parenthood is not for everyone and they are better off without children than giving a child a bad life. Also, you cannot tell the future when it comes to parenthood because this decision is not just about YOU. Its about the baby that will eventually grow into an adult. This is a person, an individual that will have its own thoughts and life events. You are there to nurture them and guide them and experience their firsts. But you cannot know how or who your child will be.
Aww Lucy ❤️ I’m late to watching this but on children - I think you’re seeing so many people talk about how hard kids can be because society (at least on the States) has been in need of people being more transparent about their struggles, and then when we share our experiences, others will know they’re not alone. We can never fully understand what we are getting into until we are in it but we can also never fully understand how incredible parenthood is until we are in it. Like you I never spent my life gushing about becoming a mother but I always imagined my life with kids. And i also continually underestimate what I’m capable of - in pregnancy, childbirth, as a mother, and as a person. Anyway I hope you find this encouraging ❤
I have enjoyed your videos for many years. You have grown as a content maker and I am so excited for you. I view parenting as a privilege. Children are a challenge but a treasure. The decision to be a parent is between You and Robert no one else. You both survived a house renovation so can do anything as a couple!❤ Best wishes
Being a mom is the most amazing experience in my life. I have never felt as much purpose and love, nothing prepares you for the LOVE you are able to feel.
I have a one-year-old, it’s the most gutwrenching chaotic love of my life. Nothing can ever prepare you for it, you just kind of go into it blind and hang on for the ride. It’s totally amazing and completely exhausting at the same time. Would never go back though I sometimes miss being able to controll my own time, but that I know will return faster than I expect and then I’ll miss the chaos. 10/10 would recommend!
I felt similar five years ago about the children. I was sure, that I want them, but when the "right" time came (like after finishing university etc.), I was so scared, that I would postponed it for I don't know how long. Fortunately, my husband was really sure that it is the right time and he persuaded me to have kids now and not to wait. And it was the best decision. I had my firstborn son at 27, my second son at 29, so I still feel like young mum, I have enough energy, almost enough patience and the love that I feel for them is enormous. Of course, sometimes we have rough days with lots and lots of screaming and tears, but most of our time it is fun and it is like I am raising my own future friends. They are still small (4 years and 2 years), but I love to paint with them, read Viking legends and all other things I love to do. I never regretted anything about our decision to become parents.
My husband and I are both on the autistic spectrum and have had 3 autistic kids - yes, it has been incredibly stressful and tough, but I am the happiest mum . At no point have I ever wished I hadn’t had them. They enrich my life in so many ways. They are now 23,21 & 18. Every stage has been great - it’s not fashionable to say but I think I was made to be a Mum. No it’s not easy but it’s definitely the thing I am most proud of/ grateful for/ most fulfilled doing than anything else in my life. Do what’s right for you and your husband - whether you have kids or not is no-one else’s business!! 🥰
Interesting. As someone who never wanted to have kids, I've always experienced the "why nots" and "you'll change your mind when you are older". Yes, I do see a lot of posts about de-romanticizing parenthood, but I never thought some people would see it as a message to not have kids 🤔. I've always seen it as the opposite of what you are saying of "you chose to have kids, your problem to deal with" and more of a message that raising kids is hard and that it needs a village to raise em. But then again I'm in Argentina and having kids here is still like the "natural thing to do after getting married" sort of thing you know.
Also, you seem to have a solid base of family and friends that I'm sure would be more than happy to help you out with your kids when/if you have them :).
I was on the fence for a long long time I love my work, I worried about how hard it would be, I worried about the environment I have a daughter now and it's been the best decision of my whole life It has been hard, it's been a lot of figuring out how to cope But oh my goodness it's been so so so much joy and fun I enjoy my role in life now, which has multiplied rather than taken away. It has sharpened my priorities and perspectives Listen to your gut, my friend. It's telling you where you will find joy in life. That you will find ways to cope with the hard bits. You can find support in your partner, and community with other parents. Another great thing that have come with this whole experience.
I could have written the exact same thing about mt anxieties, concerns and observations before having a baby... And about the longing to have a family... It has been the hardest thing i have done but it is the best choice i ever made. I need things to be 'just so' in my home and i struggle with loud noise and all sorts of kid related things, and i have had to learn to soften on those things. But that has been good for me. And watching my daughter learn new things and develop her own personality and loving her has been an incredible journey. It is super hard but, if you want it, you will grown and change and it will be ok and it will be worth it.
I related so hard to everything you said about wanting kids and feeling put off - I felt that way too! I have one now and he's genuinely the light of my life, I can't imagine what I would be doing with myself now if we hadn't had him. We had him in the middle of 2020 so you can imagine how THAT went... 0/10, wouldn't recommend that experience to anyone. I'm still recovering emotionally from basically spending his first year in lockdown and having no help and not sleeping for 3 years, but I recognise in "normal" times it would have been quite different. And I love him to bits, it's the most amazing thing seeing him grow into his own little person with his own sense of humour and imagination. So yep, it's really really hard AND really really amazing, there is no middle ground of "it's just meh". For me (as I think I hear from all you said), I thought I would regret not trying more than anything else. The hard times, they're seasons. Kids are growing and changing all the time, as parents we're learning all the time, you're never going to be stuck on the same problem for ever.
i ABSOLUTELY can relate to your struggles, Leopsie! eventually for me, it was the age ultimatum that forced me to decide - i was 37 and the window was closing. i am someone who has severe anxiety, and i can tell you, even though the first 6 months of having a baby were incredibly difficult, it IS worth it, in ways that FAR outweigh the initial adjustment period. in the beginning i doubted my choice so much that i had severe postpartum depression, and STILL, the curve of risk/reward hit a steep upward slope and continues to increase. It also relieves my anxiety in some weird ways, because im not so self-absorbed as i was - no matter what else I do, she's here because of me. Just think of how much you love your rats - it's the same, but they have a sense of humour, and can laugh, and eventually TALK. once the initial logistical difficulties of babyhood pass (which is relatively incredibly quick), the rewards keep coming. my baby is so much fun I'd be fine if she stayed this way, and she can't even talk yet! 😂 babies also thrive off routine, so things can be more orderly than you expect. she is asleep from 7pm to 7am. i think those people saying "you knew what you were in for", miss the point entirely - because you DON'T know, until you do it - so it's absolutely understandable to have an adjustment period, which is probably most of the people you hear from. I would just say that no matter how hard any period is, just remember they are all temporary, and pass so quickly, and you are just blown away by witnessing the blossoming of this little personality right before your eyes. it really is the most humbling privilege, to be responsible for this new human's life.
I'm 35 without kids also been on the fence for a while so it's so nice to hear your thoughts on this, I share many of them and I'm also loving reading all these other comments. Thanks for making a space for this convo
Hello Lucy, motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always wondered what was the point to life, and the moment my midwife put my daughter on me, everything made sense. It's not perfect, and has it's difficult moments, but motherhood has brought out the best in me, I have never felt happier, or had a greater sense of purpose. Best of luck to you.
I have an 11 year old. I only have the one because I knew I couldn't handle more based on our lifestyle (me working full time in the US with no support for parents). I love getting to know each new version of my kid as he gets older. Being a parent has also made me strive to be a better person so I can be a better parent. My advice would be to read some parenting books and books about child development so you're prepared for every stage. I read Parenting with Love and Logic but that was over a decade ago so I'm sure there are more options now. Also, accept the chaos. If your kid isn't at risk of physical harm, just let them be. My kid went through a phase when he was a toddler where he would throw anything he could carry into the bathtub. Paper towel rolls, clothes, etc. It was a mess to clean up but no harm done. There's a Nathan Pyle cartoon of a toddler saying, "Chaos is how I learn!"
I suffer from severe anxiety. I have a 4 month old baby. I’m tired and have new worries but I would not trade one single second. His cuddles, his smile, his laugh, getting to see his little personality develop, experiencing firsts again with him… it’s a magical experience Lucy and the most rewarding journey I have ever been on. (Teething included)
yesss, can very much relate! I had my first baby last year. before he was born, I was so worried if having kids was for me as I'm rather introverted and if I could live up to my own expectations as a mum. I felt like those expectations were very high because I was lucky enough to have had a great childhood. he's 9 months now and a very calm baby, he's a lot like me in that sense and it's very hard to believe how much of a character such a little human can be already (: honestly, I have never felt better with my mental health! a baby brings some kind of chaos, sure, but for me he also brings a lot of routine to the day which is great for me, I have been on walks daily, I have never laughed that much before, I'm singing a lot to him which is fun, I don't miss going out that much because I rarely did that before. I sleep less, yes, but go to bed at a regular schedule now which I could never manage before the baby. he gets me out of my comfort zone when he smiles at strangers and they start talking to us. which I would have never enjoyed without a baby 😅 I worry less about the little things I used to spent a lot of thoughts on (but a baby brings new worries to your mind). plus I have muuuuuch shorter screen time, so that might be a plus for you, too ;) for me the most difficult thing so far is finding the energy that my relationship needs, but it works surprisingly well for now. I think there's a lot of "brutal honesty" about having kids on the internet, because it's a topic people never talked about earlier and still probably feel more free to write it online than to say it out loud. obviously it's a very personal experience and is different for everybody, but just like with this comment section I think people enjoy not being alone with their thoughts of maybe regretting having kids, so they enjoy writing about it. I don't think online represents both sides equally. so it's great that you talk about it so openly!! (:
I currently have a one year old son that wasn’t planned. I am very much the same in that I do not thrive in chaos and very used to controlling everything. That being said, that’s not possible with a baby but it’s not the worst thing ever surprisingly. Having a baby taught me that everything doesn’t have to be so rigid and you actually will survive. One very good reason to have a child is because you want to share your life with them. They become such a fun part of every day life! You absolutely should have children if you want someone to share life with and be able to teach to be a good human! Hope this helps 💕
I can not and would not trade my life now with my life before my child. I totally get what you say. The hardest thing about having my child is making all of the rest of life with it. It is hard BUT you cope and nothing could prepare me for the joy I feel seeing my child grow. I too have mental health issues and it doesn’t go away but I have experience managing this stress much better because of my history. My advise is be close to family if you can.
I can relate to the parenthood anxiety so much! I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids until I met my current partner, also I didn't know if I would be able to have kids due to health reasons. I was terrified when we ended up pregnant really soon although we cannot be more ready than now. I still don't know the verdict if it's all worth it as the baby isn't here yet. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.
I have 2 children, being a mother is not easy but I can truly say that every tear, all the pain of child birth, every worry, is worth it. I can not imagine my life without them. Also it is true that after the pain of child birth when you hold that baby in your hands all the pain is forgotten. It is something that is a beautiful gift from God and that makes me so greatful that I have that gift of being a mother. ❤
Your tangent about being on the fence about children is sooo relatable. Personally, I feel pressure both ways: My family pressures me into having them (they're the type who think you're "not a real woman" and a bad wife if you don't want them); Society makes me fearful about having them due to the ability to share the harshest realities of parenthood. Additionally, I have complex trauma that I'm still working through, so my C-PTSD and my other mental health concerns make me even more concerned about doing it incorrectly and inevitably damaging a life that did not ask to be here. But at the same time, when I think about my future, children and grandchildren are usually there, and I trust that my partner would be a good parent/teammate if we decide to have kids, but sometimes I think I simply don't want them enough to truly justify having them. Other times, it feels like something is missing, and what's missing feels like kids sometimes, and it's all so... askdfjskla jlfj try to figure out what I actually want for myself, because I find it really difficult to separate the positive and negative influences that are mucking up my ability to make a decision for myself. SIGH.
I can totally related to your thought process about having kids! I got married almost 15 years ago and I initially thought we’d have kids by year 5. We then lost our jobs in the recession and it took awhile to get back on our feet. By then it was never the right time and we decided by year 10, we didn’t want to have kids. But we have had so many people tell us that it was the best decision they ever made and how we would be great parents, and now, we are open to it again and just believing that what’s meant to be will be! I fully anticipate it to be hard if we do have kids but trusting that it will be a fulfilling experience!
I think it is harder/easier depending on how much nontoxic support you have (like some people have support but they don't listen or help....) I had two kids with NO support and it was hard and this last one (my third) my mom was able to come as she is retired now and it was a WORLD of difference !!! I don't regret my kids but I have complained about them :) like anything its hard sometimes and great others....just like other stages in life. HUGS
I never wanted children because of childhood trauma. Now I am 39, have worked through my trauma and want to have a child. Not sure if it will happen because of my age. Stay true to yourself, Don't make these enormous decisions based on outside pressure ❤
I just had my second baby a month ago and I am finally at a place where I feel like I can say I love being a mom! Our family feels more complete and seeing my eldest interact with the new baby has brought us all so much joy. For me, this has been the craziest most wonderful journey. I always knew I wanted children and worked with children when I was working. I’ll say being a first time mom was a bit of a shock to my system and my expectations did not meet my reality. The thing I didn’t expect and that I am so grateful for about parenthood is how it’s changed me into a better version of myself! Watching my children grow and experience the world makes all the chaos and challenging times worth it. I would say if you know you will have kids one day, you’re all set up financially and have a supportive partner and family then go for it! Best thing I’ve ever done.
Hi Lucy! I am so excited to hear that you want kids ❤ I'll be honest with you, I felt the same pressure that you are feeling, like I had to graduate first and start thriving in life before kids and all that stuff... long story short, I graduated as a dentist, a few years later and after dating my boyfriend for over 7 years, we finally got married. We wanted to wait before having kids because we wanted to travel and that kind of stuff, which never happened because we had a family emergency and so after 6 years of being married, thank God I finally got pregnant 🎉 our baby girl is turning 2 next month and guess what? I love it! I'm like... why did I hear others and not do this before? 😅 yes, babies are unpredictable but they give you the purest love you will ever receive. I went to work until the day I gave birth and I have not gone back to work yet, I don't have much of a support system with the baby (friends who offer to babysit or my Sister because she lives abroad) but I enjoy each moment with our baby girl ❤
I have a 5 year old girl and a 10 year old girl and they absolutely saved my life, I have never been happier, so much love, they are literally the best things I have ever done. We do crafts together, sewing, diy, go to the zoo, movies, shopping. I love being able to teach them things, to be accepting and kind. I feel like life would be so boring and meaningless without them! The absolute loves of my life.
Mom of two with one on the way. I'm a stay at home mom to a three year old and a one year old. I can honestly say motherhood is both the most rewarding and the hardest thing I've ever done. You're responsible for shaping little humans and teaching them right from wrong, it's a huge responsibility. As someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety I can understand the trepidation, but I genuinely can't imagine my life without my girls. They bring so much joy just by existing! They're curious and they ask a million questions which can be over-stimulating but the look on their face when they figure something out is priceless. I'm a youngish mom (26 with 2.5 kids) and I have people ask if I wish I had stayed single longer or waited to have kids and while I understand their perspective, I can honestly say I wouldn't trade my life for all the "freedom" in the world. Being a mom is hard, but nothing worth doing is easy.
I have 3 grown children, and I've learned from them and their needs, as small people, how to be a better person. You learn to not be self-centered, and that in itself is monumental growth. Of course you'll want to pull your hair out from time to time, and that's normal, but the end results, if you've tried to do your best, are so rewarding. I am so proud of my kids, and now their kids. I can see where all our diligence has paid off tenfold.
I had my son at 43 yrs old. Wish I had started earlier and had more than one, but my life circumstances didn’t work out until that point. Being an older parent, I had established my career, had a stable husband and finances and as a result, it was far easier than I had imagined. Everything fell into place, day care worked out well…it was a lovely facility with a food forest (quite a granola environment) and caring staff, I would drop off in the morning, my husband would pick up in the evening and make dinner so I could work later. We were both involved in all aspects. When my son was 9yrs old, I retired and became more available, walking with him to school, etc. Now that he is 14, he is much more involved with my husband’s interests, and I feel a little left out…but these are the teen years, so I understand that things will also get rocky (hormones, the push for independence, etc.) for quite a while. I guess at this stage we make the most of the good times, and have lots of patience for the ups and downs. Try to keep our sense of humour and focus on the important stuff.
i have two children. i totally cannot imagine my life without them and i absolutely love being a mum, but it is also the hardest thing I have ever done. It is hard, but also wonderful. It isn't one or the other, it's both.
Well said. Yes I'd agree to that. Two kids here too
Totally agree. I have two boys and like they say : "We didn't say it will be easy, but it will be worthy". The biggest problem with being a parent in this age is comparison and impossible ideals that are placed (like in life in general). Being a parent should be natural and intuitive, but since we lost our touch with ourselves that guides our intuition, we rely on outside sources for advice and guidance, and that is endless pit of conflicting advices /judgment /... Parenting is easy as being a child... Do not miss on this unique opportunity to meet yourself and these new humans you created, through that unique and extraordinary experience and unbreakable bond
My mum told me that before she had us (3 total), she worried about if she could do it and how we would turn out, and how she'd feel responsible if we turned into bad people. She got three of the calmest kids I can imagine. But then I also think she's an amazing and understanding person, so she got back what she put out.
Absolutely agree! I think the reason we talk about the downsides more is that a lot of mums (and dads) say they weren't aware at all of the negative aspects, and wish they'd been better prepared, but it's so intimidating for those considering parenthood!
Children thrive on structure (yes you may have to pivot sometimes for emergencies or illness but) they will grow up in your house, whatever rules and routines you have in place are the rules and routines that will become second nature to them.
Yes being a parent will change your life, but.. your life will change anyways. We are all growing and changing year over year. Think back 1, 3 or 5 years ago and how different your life was.
If there is love in your heart, you can't go wrong raising your child.
I am exactly the same as you; sensory issues, thriving in rigid structure, etc. I waited until I was 32 to have a kid and currently have my 9 month old son. I had always been on the fence too, but the minute I saw him when he was born everything in me changed. I still love my hobbies, although I can’t do them as much now, but that’ll change as he gets older. We’re also only having one kid as we decided that’s all we can handle. And our family feels complete with our one little guy. Comparatively, life was kind of boring before he came along. I love him and absolutely adore watching him learn and grow.
I’m the mother of a six month old baby girl. Yes, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s also the most rewarding, love-filled, character building thing I’ve ever experienced. Nothing compares. The love I feel for her has grown from almost nothing when she was born during a traumatic birth, to immense and all-consuming. Being her mother is a delight and a struggle, all at once. What thing worth doing is going to be easy? Just like trying to reduce my screen time, it’s a fight and a struggle but it’s for the biggest cause of my life and I am becoming a better version of myself every day just for having her around.
Being a parent is incredibly hard but so is going to the gym, saving money, traveling to a foreign and tropical country, leaning a new language etc. All of these things help you grow, but none even come close to being a parent. Could you imagine how much bigger the growth is from parenting?
If you can’t see yourself without children, I hope with all my heart that you will have them ❤ Be prepared for the hardest thing that’s ever happened to you, and that the bar for what is hard to be raised tenfold. But also brace yourself for being filled with purpose, love and strength you couldn’t even fathom existed!
Mom of two, (baby and toddler), having kids is wonderful. One thing I wasn't expecting when I had children was just how much I enjoy the company of my children. My toddler is just a lovely human being who is funny and intelligent and I enjoy her company as a human not just as a squishy cute child. My husband often says that being single is a kind of awesome, being married is a different kind of awesome, and having kids is a still different kind of awesome. Each stage is awesome in its own way and yes there are things that you have to let go of from one stage as you enter another, but there are new awesomes you get to pick up that weren't available to you in a previous stage. Don't let the internet scare you, having children is hard, but so it many aspects of being a person at whatever stage you are
I have never heard anyone talk about having kids like this, I REALLY resonate with this!! I have never imagined my life without kids but also have generalized anxiety disorder and have difficulty with change and an unstructured environment. I do have a lot of cousins with kids though so I do get to see the good sides, that it’s not just what people say about it on the internet.
Having my daughter is the BEST thing I ever did. I know how you feel but honestly, it is the best decision I ever made. Can't imagine life without her. Being a parent is so rewarding.
You said yourself you could not see your future without children. You answered your own question. Take a look at people in your real life, not online. I have 3 and I wouldn't change that for the world. I have severe anxiety but what you can't realize before having a baby is how much you grow and change too. Your love for them enables you to handle more because they are worth it, even when tired, cranky or sick. You will make a great mom.
I’m pregnant with my first and only and I couldn’t be more excited! I believe it’s a very personal experience, and just because others may not enjoy parenthood doesn’t mean that that has to be me. I’m ready and aware it will be a rollercoaster and I’m glad I can count on my husband! At the end of the day it’s nice knowing I’m not going through this journey alone and all the firsts will be shared with someone equally invested!
True but sad when they decide not to come. Enjoy your kiddos ❤
I have a 7 week old right now and I'm the first parent among my group of friends whom are all not at this stage at all in life. (I'm 25). I also experienced the pressure and I had a lot of anxiety about it at first during my pregnancy, but when she was born I adjusted very quickly and so far and I am enjoying every moment of it , even if it's sometimes "hard". But I always keep in mind that those difficult phases will pass and that you get a lot of good things in return❤ And what everyone says, good or bad, I'm not taking too seriously. No parent can be perfect😋
Enjoy, things will probably change when baby reaches 4-6 mo =) And then more so as time goes. Enjoy this little robot-angel you have sister, I'm happy for you
The “powers that be” , ( if you know, you know) are DESPERATE to frighten decent, young couples like you and Robert, to have zero children. Hubby and I had 5. The four youngest are now parents, or parents -to-be. We all love being parents
I made the choice of child free for multiple reasons but never ever felt parenting to be a “you made the choice, now deal with it” kind of a thing, nor do I recommend or attempt to sway people one way or the other.
It’s one of the most personal things you can do in life, best to stick with people who have/will support you regardless of the decisions you make. In the end, if it’s a choice you your self made you can always own whatever regrets come along, the worst regrets are the ones you chose based on external opinions.
I respect your choice and I'm no one to judge you. Nature can also determine if some some couples can bring kids in the world. Although, nowadays, some people can get in treatments to bring kids into the world.
I have sensory issues, anxiety, and ADHD, and a 4 year old daughter. Yes, it has been tremendously hard, but its also the very best thing I ever did in my whole life. ♡ She brings me so much joy and fulfillment. I think, based on what you've said, that if you don't have kids, you will really regret it. I think you'd be such an incredible mom, not in spite of your personality, but because of it. :) ❤
I feel the same way they would be good parents
I don’t mind when people complaining about their kids. It’s cathartic to “get your yayas out”. What I don’t like is the entitlement some parents think they deserve. At least once a week I will hear complaints in my office like, “I should get more holidays as I have kids”, “ I should get to start later than everyone else as I have to drop my kids at school” and my favourite “you should work Christmas Day as you don’t have a family” 😡 those type of complains annoy me, and I do think in my head “having kids was your choice” 😂 we tried for a few years but after the third miscarriage I didn’t want to try anymore and honestly I am quite glad it didn’t happen. I love my childless life and wouldn’t change a thing. Fate had my back, apparently.
As a mother and a recent empty nester, I can offer some hope. Sure, you will love your children, but they will also love you. My children have been an amazing support system and this is a huge benefit. Your children will be there for you. If you are hurt, they will take care of you. If life is crazy, they pitch in to make it less crazy. My kids were supportive rocks when my mother died, kept the household running, and were there during so many other heavy events which made dealing with chaos so much easier. As children age through tweens to teenagers, they mature and become responsible in their own right. Having children, to me, is to share responsibility with them. In fact, I would offer that life gets easier with children as you age.
My oldest kept the place going when my husband and I came down with Covid. I felt terrible about it, but it's a really strong, positive memory (well, not positive, but more heroic/meaningful) for him. It was over Christmas, and over his 11th birthday! 😭 But for the four days that I was down and out, he did so many things. He brought in the wood for heating the house, he made food for his little sisters, and he brought liquids to his dad, who was near hospitalization. I was able to tell him what to do, and to do some things like make soup and make a fire once he brought the logs in. He was so mature and uncomplaining, which is very much the opposite of how he usually does chores😂. I was so glad that my mom brought a birthday cake to the door on his birthday.
Now, that's an extreme example, but it kind of shows how having children makes the "team" bigger. I love my squad. I wish I had four instead of three.
I had a difficult time adjusting from 0-1, but after I grieved my old life, I felt better and there are other good things to enjoy. And as my children get older, I am getting back to my old hobbies and it's so fun to introduce them to as well!
It really goes so quickly. My eldest is now a teenager, and my baby is 8, and this part of life is going to be over pretty soon. I'm starting to realize just how much I enjoyed having little ones, it wasn't easy, but there's a lot of joy and meaning that fills life at that stage.
I'm childfree and I have never seen or heard of any kind of pressure to not have children. Quite the opposite. "You will change your mind later", "You will regret it", "It's not always easy but the best thing in my life ...." ... I have heard it all. I wish there was more support for childfree women. Or at least people would stop treating us as if we are stupid and incapable of making decisions for our own lives.
Our host's poise, charm and beauty just basically blow me away all the time.
I was diagnosed with ADHD just a few years before having children. I was terrified it would affect motherhood for me. I get distracted, and overstimulated easily, and I can be really emotional. Then I spent so much time learning to adjust my lifestyle to work with my adhd instead of against it, and I was worried having kids would totally undo all my hard work. Now I have a 9 month old daughter and yes things have changed but my goodness, it is the best kind of chaos. It’s better than what I could’ve imagined. I find that my adhd makes me a creative and empathetic parent. My anxiety over her well being exists of course, but I’m so busy having fun it only pops up here and there. Plus I have a partner who is very supportive and involved, sharing the responsibility makes a huge difference! People love to harp on the negative, and yes of course it’s hard raising humans, but don’t let them ruin your excitement!
I love how brave and vulnerable you are❤
I'm childfree - I never wanted children, and still don't want to. I'm so sorry you feel pressured not to have children. I have felt the same way my whole life, just opposite. Just want to say that a community of likeminded people definitely helps. I have found mine on Facebook in online groups for childfree people, and I know there is online groups for fence sitters as well ❤I think your thoughts and feelings is something a lot of people can relate to.
The choice should be entirely our own, and not others. I think the best thing we can do is to not let our fears and others judgements and expectations dictate how we should live our lives. It is though a lot easier said than done. It's always good to think about what we want in life and why, and about the consequences of our choices - but ofc. not to an extend were we feel paralyzed from fears and unable to make choices. Take your time. There is no need to hurry. It's totally okay if you want kids, and totally okay if you don't want kids, and you don't have to make that decision right now. Take your time.
As an add on: I think it's important for all kind of narratives/perspectives to be voiced: childfree, people that want or already have children, fence sitters etc. The important thing is to not pressure, judge, control or dehumanize etc. others for their choices. We are all different. The right and freedom to choose should always be respected. I do see some from the childfree community as well as parents attack and judge each other for their choices, and that is not okay.
I also never had kids. Knew I didn’t from a teenager. My opinion was if I can’t be a good mom ( which I was afraid I couldn’t/ wouldn’t) I didn’t want to do it. You CANT TAKE THEM BACK TO WALMART AND EXCHANGE THEM IF YOU REALIZE YOU CANT DO IT. I saw my two older sisters with children and decided it was not for me. My mom told me I would change my mind. I haven’t I’m 55. I do have 4 step children and became a “Mom” in my 30s. I would not give up my “children” for anything. I am not their “ birth” mom but I am their Mom. Their birth mom has not been around for years! That has made it easier than most.
As a grandmother of 8 I can say it is not going to be what you think but it will be awesome. Just raise good humans and it will be fine!
I had my son very young, at 23 and I always knew I wanted kids. I was not prepared for how hard it was. But it has honestly been the best thing I have ever done it my life. The one thing I think is really important is PATIENCE. Things will not go to plan, you will make mistakes, but having patience and allowing yourself grace goes a long way. I think the people who worry the most about what kind of parents they will make are already on their way to being good parents. ❤
I was convinced I do not want children before getting married. After I got married something just changed. I have two little girls and it's the best thing ever. They are so much fun to be around and I love them to the sky and back. There are times when it's hard for sure, but I feels it's so worth it. Having kids changed me and made me a better version of myself (still work in progress). Cheers!
My mum says she wouldn’t change having my sister and me for anything. She says we’re the best thing that happened to her, and the moment she held us in her arms as babies was so pure. To her, we’re her best friends and the reason she wakes up every morning.
And now I feel like I’m going to cry, so I’m stopping there😅
Wow, so glad for you to have this! 😀❤️ I think it must be very beautiful. I didn’t have this relationship wity my parents and that’s the reason I am happy for everyone that has it!
I have a 2 year old and I can say the first few years are hard because it's all very new.
Parenthood is a funny thing because you can go from thinking that it's the worst thing in the world to the best thing in a blink of an eye or really really needing an afternoon off but then spend that time missing your little one.
But when my daughter comes along and cuddles into me or plays with me it is one of the nicest feelings xxx
The shot of you pouring yourself tea quickly during the baby talk cracked me up 😂 just compared to the first time you poured tea at the beginning with the slow, calming music. And girl I feel you. I'm in my late 20s and super single and those thoughts are very much in my mind! Although I would say my main "worry" is that I come across frequently online about women having infertility issues and that makes me feel like even if I do take the plunge and one day try to get pregnant... would it even happen??? Realistically I'll be in my mid 30s at least! It sucks. I hope you can make the best decision for yourself
Motherhood is currently changing my life... it is hard and "plunging into chaos" is pretty accurate lol but there are enough wonderful moments and times that balance out all the anxiety and the struggles. It does change most every part of your life... but so far, it's all stuff that has made me better or pushed me to heal in places I wasn't expecting.
This... the healing and growing in places you don't expect. Definitely.
It's the opposite for me. I always knew i don't want children - and most people are trying to convince me that I will regret it later! I'm happy like this, enjoy my freedom and if I regret it later- so be it then... I don't think so. But the other way round - I'm a primary school teacher - we have a lot of children where you kind of feel, the parents just got them because -you need to have children! So yeah I agree - better be sure about it, as you said - there is no going back.
I was a big fence sitter until I found I was pregnant. I'm so happy that we took the plunge because having my kiddo has been the hardest, yet best thing I've ever done. The sleepless nights/sporadic sleep is what really made it difficult for me and caused my anxiety to spike, but it forced me to really focus on my mental health (which I did nothing for previously). I'm such a better person now that I was pre-kid.
I can relate to this. Especially the last part of what you said. You grow as a parent AND a person for sure. I remember my mom saying as much too..she said she learned a lot as a parent.
Same!
Regarding kids- My bio parents had me when they were still teens, and I was put up for adoption. My adoptive parents REALLY wanted kids, but could not have their own. They tried for 10 years before adopting me, and they have never regretted it, even during the difficult times of raising a child. My bio parents actually regretted putting me up for adoption. They ended up getting back together after a couple of years, and they had literally TEN more children. My bio mom has been a SAHM her entire adult life, and it seems to have been her calling. Having that many kids was DEFINITELY a choice, and they all have very fulfilling lives. They still have hobbies, travel, and have friends. Even in the face of mental health adversities (depression, anxiety, alcoholism, etc), all four of my parents have made it through and both households have so far come out in tact.
I waited too long to have kids and really regret it. Currently raising a friends two children, and they are little adorable monsters lol but i regret nothing in regards to them. They are now 8 and 5 and I've been raising them since the 8 yr old was 6 months old. All the headaches, worries, panic attacks, broken crockery, broken walls and furniture: worth it. The trust and love they give makes it worth it. Just my opinion ❤
Thank you for articulating such a difficult subject. It was so good to hear you give voice to something I didn't realise I was feeling too until you said it out loud. It's been wonderful to read everyone's comments too. You really served the tea.... and a lot of food for thought xx ❤❤
Oh. My. Goodness. Your words about how you are feeling pressure around having kids (or not having them) were so validating for me to hear. I’m 30, got married a couple months before you 😆 and am thinking about having children. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I’ve been feeling the same way. I want to have kids, but everything I see is telling me it would be the worst thing to do for my well-being. I also struggle with anxiety and sensory issues (loud noises, etc.) I also am really sensitive to change and thrive with routine and adequate sleep. I’m a super logical thinker and love making plans and lists. Everything I see about parenting makes it look like it will be cripplingly difficult and may even put my mental health at risk. What I’ve seen online makes it seem that becoming a parent will not only test my mental, emotional and physical limits, but may also jeopardize my relationships with loved ones and even my marriage. It feels scary. So it was so validating to hear that you’ve felt similarly as me. I too have actively searched online for positive anecdotes on parenting. Some friends have shared positive experiences with me and that has helped me feel a little better about it. People assure me it isn’t as bad as it seems on social media and there is so much joy and love that it helps weigh out the struggle. I do believe, as you’ve said that the only way to know is to try and I also believe that a life with children sounds more fulfilling (especially as I age) than one without. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on the topic. Thank you again for sharing. It’s helped me feel less alone.
I love your videos. I usually watch them while I sew or quilt. For what it’s worth, from what I see of you and your personality from your videos, I think you would make an amazing mom.
Toxic mommy culture on social media is THE WORST! The way people talk about their children can be incredibly disrespectful. They forget to give their little ones a full measure of the rights and dignity owed to them as a member of the human race just because they're not fully developed.
Lean into real-life conversations with both new and experienced parents. Don't put stock in advice that sounds embittered. Find the people who deliberately choose to frame hardships and difficulties in a positive and constructive manner. Those are the people who are equipped to help you walk through life with all its ups and downs!
My only real regret about becoming a mom is that I didn’t go into it as thoughtfully and carefully as I could have. I just assumed that I wanted kids and should have kids and jumped into it without considering the timing very much. I think I would have coped with the early hard parts a little better if I had. But my kids are 19 and 13 and the greatest joy of my life. They’re people I genuinely enjoy spending time with, which to me says I’m doing an okay job.
I will say, the challenges of raising teenagers have been very different than I expected. Everyone says to parents of toddlers, “If you think it’s bad now, wait until they’re teenagers!”, which I hate because who needs that when they’re exhausted from parenting a toddler?? It IS really hard, in some ways much harder than when they were toddlers, but not for any of the reasons people told me it would be hard. I think what you said about teenagers and their development and how proud you are of them when they do well is precisely the right attitude. I don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t be a great mum, especially if you have a solid and equal relationship with your partner.
On an unrelated note, the filmmaking of this video was very, very beautiful, and so good for my soul. 😊
Speaking as a parent of a one year old: yes, it is challenging, but it is so so amazing! The beauty of seeing a human grow and develop daily is that most beautiful thing I have ever experienced ❤
You tugged at my heart strings in your conflicted thoughts about children. I hope nothing but the best for your life journey with or without children. I only have a dog and a parrot and no regrets. This video was so much fun. I feel the same about the gym, some days I hate going but I always feel better for having gone.
Mum of 2 here! I have always wanted kids and helped out friends when they had kids so saw how hard but how rewarding it could be. There are days where you want to lock yourself in a room to just have some time alone but then there are wonderful days where you see the wonder of the world through them and get to watch them experience things for the first time! It is hard but it's worth the work you put in! It is also a very personal choice and you don't have to justify it to anyone outside of your relationship!!
Hannah Witton has just uploaded a video to her second channel going in depth about how her life has changed since having her baby! Could be useful. I had a baby myself nearly a year ago and it's a steep learning curve, but all worth it. Your body/mind is wired to respond to your baby with love and you would do anything for them. Hardest for me has been lack of sleep, I just love my sleep! But I still nap when he naps 😅 My life hasn't changed massively though, I just involve him in what I would usually do! So for example, you could easily have your baby out in the garden with you in a bouncer while you garden, or sitting with his own books while you read 😊
Being a parent is magnitudes harder than I expected but I wouldn’t want it any different. I have 3 children and we home educate so I am with them all day every day. It’s exhausting, but they have taught me to be the best version of myself. They have helped me heal trauma around loved ones getting hurt. I too have sensory issues, but what I would say is that your children will be like you, not like someone else’s children and I’m often told mine are very respectful and well behaved (they’re just quiet observers when out). I’m not like a single social media parent and not like most of my friends either, but we do what works best for our family
I am twenty years older than you, but there are a lot of things you say or mention that I think, “Hey, same here!” When I was about 9 or 10, I came to the realization that I was never going to have kids. I have no idea why that came to me but now that I’m an adult I’m glad I did! I never had a desire or want for children which, as I found out in my thirties, was probably a good thing. At 39 I had a heart attack (I’m an anomaly, no family history, not over weight, don’t drink/smoke, etc.). Anyway, they ended up finding an ascending aortic aneurysm, basically I have an aneurysm sitting right above my heart, due to a birth defect; I only have two aortic valves instead of 3. Chances are I could have died giving birth because no one knew about this! Then at 41, I had to have a hysterectomy. I had been battling endometriosis most of my life, and had one ovary removed in my 20s due to recurring cysts. After the surgery the doctor confirmed one thing I already knew, that I had a cyst on the remaining ovary, but also the lining of the uterus was growing into itself. So chances are I would never have held on to an embryo full term. Miscarriages probably would have been what I would have had a lot of. Despite this, I am glad I knew young that I wasn’t going to have kids because I wasn’t devastated when I found I could not have or would not have any; though, before my hysterectomy I did sort of regret a little that I wouldn’t have any). Having children is a personal choice. In today’s world people rely too much on what others think or say. At the end of the day, the decision is yours and your husband’s choice. If you had no social media, no outside communication with the entire world, what would you do? What do you both personally choose for your lives? Having children, like having pets, is a personal choice, and it will be hard. I have a lot of furry children and some that aren’t furry (my house came with a lot of turtles), but they are a lot of work. They get sick, all over my floors, they get sick terminally, they fight with one another, they have to be fed, washed, and taken to the doctor just as children do. It’s exhausting yet I still have them and get them (more animals). Just as your precious rats were when they were alive. Children are also at risk of passing as well. How do you think you would handle losing a child? It’s not something people think about, and are devastated when they lose a child. I’m not trying to be depressing, I’m just an over thinker whose been through a lot. People say having pets is nothing like having kids, but I disagree; though I have never had kids myself. I am an aunt… the only difference between kids and pets is that pets can’t talk back. I think you would be a great mom, and you both would be wonderful parents. Just make sure you make the decision on children for yourselves and not on what others say… if you bothered to read all of my blabber (so sorry this is so long), I know you will be wise in your decision and wish you both all the love and luck you deserve! You are both so charming. 🙂💕
I haven’t met someone that had a similar situation to me! I also knew at a young age I didn’t want kids. Found myself a partner that didn’t want kids as well. We were together about 5 years (now 10 years strong) when the doctors “broke the news” that I would never be able to have children. They tried to brake the news carefully. But I was honestly so relieved 😅 Now when people try to argue with me about how I should have kids I turn their sayings around on them. “God never gives you more then you can handle and he made me unable to have kids.” They usually look dumbfounded and stop talking 🤣
I became at stepmom at 24 and was so scared. My step child was 4. They are almost 18 and going off to college. I can't imagine what life will be like without them. Being their parent was one of the best gifts life has given me and I was not expecting anything.💕
In my experience, when you have younger siblings and children in your life in general you have realistic expectations about becoming a parent. Especially if you acknowledge the struggle that comes with parenthood, which seems like you already do.
My first little baby is going to be one year old soon. There are hard days and limits to what i used to do. But I've had hard days before. And they always pass. It is really an up and down. One moment i feel like: this is what i am naturally really good at, i love it, lets have one more - and five minutes later it might be like: please let me have a moment on my own, why is this so overwhelming?
It also helps tremendously being an introvert. I dont mind spending days inside with limited company 😂.
I guess what i am trying to say: a life can be fulfilling with and without children and challenging with and without them. It is just different.
The decision for children is HARD. I wanted them my whole life. I have 2 now, 4 and almost 6, and I can say it’s been the most taxing factor on my daily mental health. Only you know your personality and tolerances, so if you want children have them! I will say I was happier before children.
It gets better and if you really find you lack the happiness you had before children please seek help. Recharging your mental physical health is important being a healthy mum. The joy should outweigh the lows. I hope you find happiness everyday.
It's a statistical fact that people are less happy after having children. I don't think this makes having children worse or better, it's just part of the sacrifice of caring for little humans. Kudos to you for being brave enough to admit it!
I think you would be a great mom. Schedules are great for children. You have a calm personality which will be helpful. You will know when your ready.
As someone who has a baby. Yes, it is hard and exhausting, and I would not change it at all. My daughter makes me so happy.I am a stay at home mom and I would never change it. I love being a mother, but yes it is exhausting. I feel like I love this version of me the most. I have had my struggles but you always will. I also love schedules, but I cannot control my baby (sleep etc) I follow my baby's lead and it actually has relieved some of my anxiety. I have learned to let go and it has helped my anxiety.
To all the people who say "well, you made the choice..." they lack empathy for another persons situation. Being a parent is a full time job. We would never say it about lets say a doctor, we would probably say something empathetic. Both jobs are a choice, yes, but that does not mean we should belittle someone's exhaustion. I would ignore the people who make fun of parents and children. For whatever reason they like to make it their entire personality.
The first year is difficult, but the best year of my life. My daughters smile makes it worth it. I am her safe space, I love it when she falls asleep in my arms as I know this will not last forever. Her giggle is magnificent, she screams in joy when she sees a cat and it's the best. I know in time I will reunite with "me" again, but for now my little girl makes every sleepless night, the ppd/ppa, and every hardship worth it. It's ok for both exhaustion and joy to coexist, it doesn't mean parents regret their children or don't love them, it's ok for us to acknowledge that.
Don't let other people deter you from having children. I would recommend you follow mothernurturenourish on instagram to get the perspective that it's ok for motherhood to be contradictory at times. I hope my words have helped you!
I've had many many complications after childbirth (the birthing experience was great despite all of the pain). I have developed chronic pain and everything still hurts after 8 months. I still don't regret having my baby girl. But that's after getting to know her, after I learned to love her. I wouldn't lie to anyone: it's very hard even on standard circumstances. Motherhood is never easy. Post-partum does not consist of a few days - it can last years, and probably will. I mourn my old life, and cherish my new one every single day. My baby is difficult, very much high needs, and every time I see her smile my hear melts. Every single time. It's a kind of love I never knew before and I would do it all again, all for her.
For a person who doesn’t want children, having them would probably be a horrible idea. But for someone who wants children, the hardships that come are easily overshadowed by the child’s very existence. I’m almost 28, and a mom of 3, and I have to say it is hard to wake up every day and choose to live my life in service to 3 other little people. But when I hear them laughing, or they tell me a story they just made up about their Lego guy, or lay their head on my shoulder…to experience their contentment and know that I did something good for them, though it cost me some comfort, some autonomy; it’s so worth it. And I go to bed imagining all the ways I will create a life of contentment for all of us.
Henry David Thoreau is credited with saying “Every child begins the world again” and it’s true. The whole world is new in their eyes…I don’t know you, but you *seem* like the kind of person who would revel in the wonder of raising a child.
I hope you find the freedom to follow your desires, whatever they turn out to be ❤
I totally agree that too much on social media is highlighting the hard and bad parts of parenthood. And yes the hard parts are so real but omg I cannot imagine my life without my child. I’m glad I waited until I was ready but I also wish I was ready sooner (if that makes sense) because she really brings out a better side to me. I have more purpose. I was forced to work on myself for her sake and I’m so much better for it. I’m more patient and I have set healthier boundaries with people in my life, new and old. I genuinely enjoy playing with her and seeing how much she just loves me wholeheartedly and purely. At the end of a hard day cuddling with her and just taking the time to decompress with her and see the world through her eyes is just so nice and a feeling like no other. Coming from a mom who has major anxiety issues and gets overstimulated like crazy 💜
I have raised two children into adulthood. Each phase of development has its struggles and its absolute beauty. Being a parent was something I always imagined for myself. Though it hasn't always been the fairytale my childhood self imagined, it has definitely been the single most fulfilling aspect of my life. I too struggle with anxiety and also depression. Knowing they were counting on me kept me moving forward when I didn't think I could go on. My adult children are amazing. I highly recommend parenthood to anyone who wants it. To those who don't want to have children, good for you. Live your best life. You don't have to breed and no one has the right to make you feel like you should.
I really relate to how you described wanting children but being unsure about jumping into chaos. I really value my alone time, getting a lot of sleep, and doing what I want to do. I guess I never really felt the pressure to not have children, so I always knew I would do it eventually. If anything, I’m just glad I was able to take my time, enjoy my peace and routine for a few years. We didn’t rush into it after getting married, we did a bit of traveling and enjoying life together (as much as possible considering the pandemic). I have a three month old now. It’s hard but really rewarding. I miss being able to do a lot of the things I used to love doing. But I’m gonna be able to do those things again in the future! When she’s older, we can go shopping and go to restaurants, and have days out and find new hobbies. Together. The parts that everyone says makes parenthood not worth it, those are a blimp of time in the grand scheme of your life. And, in turn, your life will be richer forever.
Mom of 2 here (ages 1 and 3), and I absolutely adore my life. Here's the thing - it's hard, but it's incredibly wonderful. We can do hard things!!
I think you would be a tremendous mom. Although chaos is kind of part of the deal, children thrive in an environment of cleanliness, beauty, calm, and routine. You're so well suited to providing them that! You will learn how to take care of them and learn how to care for yourself along with them.
I didn't have my kids until my 30s, so I know what that's like. You're so much more mature and capable than you were ten years ago! We have an advantage here.
What are the good reasons to have children? I see my children as the spark of life and joy that came into my home and turned it into a family. My husband and I were together for many years before having our kids, and we were very happy as a couple. But for us, kids made it a family. My house feels like a family home. Our activities feel like we're creating precious childhood memories. The love is actually indescribable. I didn't know it was possible to love another person the way I love my children. I have the privilege of helping them grow up into adults and live their own lives. It's such a gift to be able to love them and care for them through their childhood.
I'm a very different person now than I was before becoming a parent. I'm much stronger, calmer, mature, and responsible. I have learned so much about taking care of myself and others. I'm ridiculously proud of myself for what I've done. I made people! I take care of them! It isn't easy, but I would never trade it for anything.
If your heart wants children, you are MORE than capable of it. You are so able to learn, grow, and handle anything that comes your way.
very well said! I agree with all of it (:
"I made people!" is the best 😂 it's true though! so very fascinating, I can still not really believe this baby is almost entirely made by me.. every little bit that he grew so far, he grew inside of me or through my breast milk. it's really crazy and truly unbelievable!
I struggle with anxiety and a lot of similar issues to yours. I have 2 kids. I really like having kinds. They are very curious and hilarious. I my case I stress out and struggle a lot more with my jobs. I say jobs in multiple, because I've changed many to find balance. I think a lot of people, both men and women, struggle with work more than with their kids. It's just not a popular thing to say. I fell into my role as a parent quite well. There were challenges of course. When the baby is born they need you constantly and it's exhausting, but as they gain independence, it gets easier every days. If you really want children, you should listen to your own wants. People who don't want children have every right to choose their own adventure, and you have the right to choose yours.
Having children is amazing, I have three! It's a little difficult to create TH-cam videos at the moment because I also homeschool, but with that said I still find the time to work on my own projects by waking up a little earlier, and receiving help from family (sewing a wedding dress for my sister at the moment). My eldest girl is seven and she is into the same hobbies I am. We bought her a sewing kit, and she even picked up how to use a treadle sewing machine properly. It's so fun to work on projects together! We also love to travel as a family, camping in particular... so many memories and so much fun! Children can be a challenge at times, but it's also such a natural part of life, and will bring you happiness. I am only speaking from my own personal experience, and I came to realize that a lot has to do with the energy I project onto my children.
I think I get what you mean about your parenting fears. Thinking back to when I was a kid, my parents did struggle and it probably was really hard. But then now as an adult I think of the relationship I have with my parents and I love spending time with them. I think parenting is just one of those labors of love that isn't going to be fireworks everyday, but will feel really rewarding many days.
I am so happy I had my one and done daughter. It has been absolutely amazing. Sure, it is a big difference to the life I had before, especially in the beginning, but I am so happy to have her and I cannot imagine how my life would be without her. My daughter is approaching 4 now. My husband and I are both blown away with how great it is to have her. Don’t listen to the people who say you shouldn’t have kids if you express any kind of struggle in parenthood. Those people are dismissive to the experience as a whole. It is tough. It is also absolutely worth it. It is valid to feel both things. It is okay to wonder, to seek community and help, to need breaks and rest, to express yourself fully.
P.S. Lucy, I love the way you styled your hair here!
Recently I've been loving Well Loved Knits and Laini Ozark for their motherhood positive, life continuing content.
I relate so much with the "to have or not to have kids" 😂 Thanks for helping me realise that what I actually feel is a pressure to not have children, never thought about it that way 🤯
I was 35 when I had my first child. I struggled with all the issues you noted. He is now 23 and I regret nothing. It was hard, but so delightful! You do what you think is best for you.
Having children is the best thing i ever did in my 58 years! Those 4 gems have caused me to grow as a human more than anything else. People make it harder on themselves than they need to because they try to control and dictate every aspect of a child's life. Just relax and go with the flow. Watch them grow, fail, mature, and love them all along the way. You wont.regret it!
Thank you for sharing about the pressure you feel to not have kids! I feel the same way and while I completely respect everyone who has made that decision for themselves the commentary online is so demoralising! I have always wanted kids but like you am a rational based decision maker (and anxious!) so constantly hearing the challenges of parenthood laid out as facts alongside the less abstract “children are wonderful” has given me so much turmoil in what otherwise probably wouldn’t have been a difficult decision at all. For me, I’ve decided that I’m now well informed about the struggles of parenthood and have taken what I need from that part of the internet so I’m not watching it anymore and that has helped me decide to trust my lifelong gut feeling that children are a “must” for me in life. Talking to people with kids in real life has also helped to get the more complete picture. I hope you can come to a decision you feel at peace with that is right for you!
Honestly I have had hard times as a parent but I will never regret having children! I have three which is a lot for the times but they have made me a better person. I’m also very scheduled and while I have to be somewhat flexible the kids thrive on knowing what they are doing every day. I hate that social media seems to encourage complaining. Complaining about children, partners, parents. I feel like that is playing a part in what can makes family life harder. I can’t relate to any of it! Probably the worst part of being a parent is the constant judgment from other parents and people who don’t have children except the hypothetical perfectly raised children in their own minds.Every day my children surprise me in some unexpected and positive way. I don’t know if any of my thoughts are making sense but I am being honest🙂
Super sense, to be sincere I prefer not even watch social media parents because everything is so extreme, ppl complaining alot ppl who show "perfect" life, so no, I prefert watch videos of ppl cleaning and I'm happy 😅
Can’t agree with you more on social media encouraging complaining. “My husband is sOOooo dumb!” “Oh no, my kids are home from school; I love when they’re gone!” It makes me very sad. I have so much gratitude for my son and my husband, and I can’t imagine complaining about them. They fill my life with so much joy.
@@agentcallisto me too, my husband is an amazing husband and dad, I homeschooling my kid (the older , the other want is too little) because I want him to be here in his home, because I want him to go to any sport he decide (here where I live the school system is soo long in the day from 8 am to 5 pm) and would hate my kids stay all day long for obligation there, so I decided to homeschooling and he goes to different sport during the day with his friends, I feel sad too when I heard parents complaining about their partners and kids.. I WANT to be with my kids..
@@damzy I dream of homeschooling one day as well! I’m happy to hear it’s going well for your family.
@@agentcallisto yep! Me and my husband are supper on board of homeschooling because we don't want our kids spend ALL DAY in the school, we prefer he have in the morning school related things and he have all the evening to go to any hobby with his friends, here were I live alot of mom do homeschooling and they alot of times go together to play with kids to parks and things like that :)
I have 2 children and 100000x over I would chose to have them again. I despise how social media portrays having children, like its terrible, like showers will never be possible again, like your love life will never happen again, like you'll be in a child prison for the next 20 years, etc. It's enough to make anybody afraid to have children. I had an extremely easy baby and delivery and an extremely hard baby and nearly died in his delivery. It has challenges for sure but they're worth it. I had a fantastic pediatrician who had 7 children and he told he how to get my babies on a schedule that fit my life and not the other way around. He said you cannot turn your whole life upside down for a child until it's 20. He said things change but you must learn to live together and they need to be on a schedule that works with you. We took our babies everywhere with us and they were/are really great in public and home. If you set rules and schedule breaks like them staying with a grandparent every few weeks or a sitter so you can have time then you'll be ok. I didn't have grandparents but my best friend and her boyfriend would watch mine every once in a while and her mom loved taking them from time to time. Accept the offers of help!!!! Children are wonderful and when you have them you'll understand why nobody can really put why into words.
There is not a parent in the world who hasn't had doubts about their parenting or troubles being a good parent in their eyes. I know I did and still do, and my son is grown and on his own! I also have all the same anxieties etc that you described.
In the end, it's to each their own if they have children. Don't let anyone persuade you either way.
Kids will test you in every way possible as a person and parent. You will be frustrated, doubt yourself, anxious, and every emotion possible, but when you see that look of love and joy in your child's eyes when you play with them, hang out with them... you will never regret YOUR decision to become a parent!
I'm a 40 year old woman with no kids. What I learned for myself ad from other people who don't have kids is: 1. Many people will finally stop putting pressure on you soon as you're turning 38/39.
2. I used to be a selfish, nervous workaholic, but I after a mild burnout that - among other things - led to a better job I became a much calmer, much more relaxed and balanced person from around my late 30s, without having kids.
3. My dogs were/are my "children" and I'm okay with that 😊
Having kids is the best thing I have ever done. Parenting is as hard as you make it. If you constantly put pressure on yourself to be the Pinterest perfect parent it is not fun. If you embrace the struggles and successes and know you are doing the best you can it is amazing. I fall in love with my kids at every stage, babies, toddler elementary and now teenagers.
Hi! I don't usually comment but this topic of parenthood and the pressure do don't have it felt so relatable. Thank you for sharing your pressure. It is difficult to share my experience in a comment, but I'll try. I think in the western world there is something linked with how we were brought up. I felt growing up that my existence was bothering the world. That I don't deserve to exist because other people struggle and I have too much, that the way I live brings suffering (consuming food, clothes, travel). Only as a 30 year old I realized how this message is something I picked up subconsciously without realizing until I started questioning it. I am not religious but I am thankful that I have a family now. My 10 month old was the hardest and most joyous thing I ever had to do. He is now the reason I live. I came to the realisation that career was depressing for me and having a family is my reason to wake up in the morning. I know children will grow and have their own lives, but they will be linked with me forever. It is okay to live and create live, even if it is hard. I wished I knew that sooner. I haven't been more tired and happy in my life and I don't want it in any other way.
It is so natural to want to have children. And yes, these days parents are left alone and told to deal with their kids with no help and that it was their choice so it's entirely their responsibility. It's so sad that peoplet think that way now, and it makes no sense! Having said this, having children is such a life changing and wonderful experience, that you shouldn't let other people prevent you from having it. It is very, very hard and at times chaotic. But the difficulty is matched by how beautiful and rewarding it is. It's hard work because it's good work.
I have bad anxiety and have to have everything organised, we tried for 8 years for our first baby, I’m not going to lie but it is hard at times but not as hard as you would imagine. We had it hard to start with as he come 5 weeks early, weighed only 5Lbs and was in intensive care for 2 weeks before we could bring him home. It’s so much more rewarding. We could never go back to our old lives now, he’s such a blessing now at 5 months old and seeing him smile everyday is the best thing. Only you can decide if you would like children or not, don’t let anyone else change your mind or tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. And as you mentioned about social media, there will always be haters and people waiting for you to “fail”. I think you would make an amazing mother and you would love it. But again it’s your choice xx
Having children has been the biggest inspiration for me. You think you would do more of the soul searching and identity searching before you have children, but that was not true for me. I make more of a point to workout, etc. now that I have little ones that I want to teach by example. I won't say it isn't hard, there will always be challenges. BUT I think the #1 important factor in enjoying parenthood is a supportive partner! If you start to feel burnt out, you can safely express that and they provide that shoulder to lean on you need. They are the most beautiful souls!
Since starting working at my current workplace my attitude towards having children have changed. I used to feel just like you that so many people would just tell me how awful and stressful it is, but all of my colleagues with children always tell me how wonderful it is. They talk about all the great things you get to experience and how they solve things when it comes to them, and even when they talk about the stressful parts they do it in a way that is not disheartening and makes me not want children myself. So I have gone from thinking I want them but I don’t know if it’s right, to actually really wanting them and feeling more equipped.
Being a mother is the best feeling and the most amazing blessing I have ever received in my life. Parenthood is not for everyone and they are better off without children than giving a child a bad life. Also, you cannot tell the future when it comes to parenthood because this decision is not just about YOU. Its about the baby that will eventually grow into an adult. This is a person, an individual that will have its own thoughts and life events. You are there to nurture them and guide them and experience their firsts. But you cannot know how or who your child will be.
Aww Lucy ❤️ I’m late to watching this but on children - I think you’re seeing so many people talk about how hard kids can be because society (at least on the States) has been in need of people being more transparent about their struggles, and then when we share our experiences, others will know they’re not alone. We can never fully understand what we are getting into until we are in it but we can also never fully understand how incredible parenthood is until we are in it. Like you I never spent my life gushing about becoming a mother but I always imagined my life with kids. And i also continually underestimate what I’m capable of - in pregnancy, childbirth, as a mother, and as a person. Anyway I hope you find this encouraging ❤
I have enjoyed your videos for many years. You have grown as a content maker and I am so excited for you. I view parenting as a privilege. Children are a challenge but a treasure. The decision to be a parent is between You and Robert no one else. You both survived a house renovation so can do anything as a couple!❤ Best wishes
Being a mom is the most amazing experience in my life. I have never felt as much purpose and love, nothing prepares you for the LOVE you are able to feel.
I have a one-year-old, it’s the most gutwrenching chaotic love of my life. Nothing can ever prepare you for it, you just kind of go into it blind and hang on for the ride. It’s totally amazing and completely exhausting at the same time. Would never go back though I sometimes miss being able to controll my own time, but that I know will return faster than I expect and then I’ll miss the chaos. 10/10 would recommend!
I felt similar five years ago about the children. I was sure, that I want them, but when the "right" time came (like after finishing university etc.), I was so scared, that I would postponed it for I don't know how long. Fortunately, my husband was really sure that it is the right time and he persuaded me to have kids now and not to wait. And it was the best decision. I had my firstborn son at 27, my second son at 29, so I still feel like young mum, I have enough energy, almost enough patience and the love that I feel for them is enormous. Of course, sometimes we have rough days with lots and lots of screaming and tears, but most of our time it is fun and it is like I am raising my own future friends. They are still small (4 years and 2 years), but I love to paint with them, read Viking legends and all other things I love to do. I never regretted anything about our decision to become parents.
My husband and I are both on the autistic spectrum and have had 3 autistic kids - yes, it has been incredibly stressful and tough, but I am the happiest mum . At no point have I ever wished I hadn’t had them. They enrich my life in so many ways. They are now 23,21 & 18. Every stage has been great - it’s not fashionable to say but I think I was made to be a Mum. No it’s not easy but it’s definitely the thing I am most proud of/ grateful for/ most fulfilled doing than anything else in my life. Do what’s right for you and your husband - whether you have kids or not is no-one else’s business!! 🥰
Interesting. As someone who never wanted to have kids, I've always experienced the "why nots" and "you'll change your mind when you are older". Yes, I do see a lot of posts about de-romanticizing parenthood, but I never thought some people would see it as a message to not have kids 🤔. I've always seen it as the opposite of what you are saying of "you chose to have kids, your problem to deal with" and more of a message that raising kids is hard and that it needs a village to raise em. But then again I'm in Argentina and having kids here is still like the "natural thing to do after getting married" sort of thing you know.
Also, you seem to have a solid base of family and friends that I'm sure would be more than happy to help you out with your kids when/if you have them :).
I was on the fence for a long long time
I love my work, I worried about how hard it would be, I worried about the environment
I have a daughter now and it's been the best decision of my whole life
It has been hard, it's been a lot of figuring out how to cope
But oh my goodness it's been so so so much joy and fun
I enjoy my role in life now, which has multiplied rather than taken away. It has sharpened my priorities and perspectives
Listen to your gut, my friend. It's telling you where you will find joy in life. That you will find ways to cope with the hard bits. You can find support in your partner, and community with other parents. Another great thing that have come with this whole experience.
I could have written the exact same thing about mt anxieties, concerns and observations before having a baby... And about the longing to have a family... It has been the hardest thing i have done but it is the best choice i ever made. I need things to be 'just so' in my home and i struggle with loud noise and all sorts of kid related things, and i have had to learn to soften on those things. But that has been good for me. And watching my daughter learn new things and develop her own personality and loving her has been an incredible journey. It is super hard but, if you want it, you will grown and change and it will be ok and it will be worth it.
I related so hard to everything you said about wanting kids and feeling put off - I felt that way too! I have one now and he's genuinely the light of my life, I can't imagine what I would be doing with myself now if we hadn't had him. We had him in the middle of 2020 so you can imagine how THAT went... 0/10, wouldn't recommend that experience to anyone. I'm still recovering emotionally from basically spending his first year in lockdown and having no help and not sleeping for 3 years, but I recognise in "normal" times it would have been quite different. And I love him to bits, it's the most amazing thing seeing him grow into his own little person with his own sense of humour and imagination. So yep, it's really really hard AND really really amazing, there is no middle ground of "it's just meh". For me (as I think I hear from all you said), I thought I would regret not trying more than anything else. The hard times, they're seasons. Kids are growing and changing all the time, as parents we're learning all the time, you're never going to be stuck on the same problem for ever.
i ABSOLUTELY can relate to your struggles, Leopsie! eventually for me, it was the age ultimatum that forced me to decide - i was 37 and the window was closing. i am someone who has severe anxiety, and i can tell you, even though the first 6 months of having a baby were incredibly difficult, it IS worth it, in ways that FAR outweigh the initial adjustment period. in the beginning i doubted my choice so much that i had severe postpartum depression, and STILL, the curve of risk/reward hit a steep upward slope and continues to increase. It also relieves my anxiety in some weird ways, because im not so self-absorbed as i was - no matter what else I do, she's here because of me.
Just think of how much you love your rats - it's the same, but they have a sense of humour, and can laugh, and eventually TALK. once the initial logistical difficulties of babyhood pass (which is relatively incredibly quick), the rewards keep coming. my baby is so much fun I'd be fine if she stayed this way, and she can't even talk yet! 😂 babies also thrive off routine, so things can be more orderly than you expect. she is asleep from 7pm to 7am.
i think those people saying "you knew what you were in for", miss the point entirely - because you DON'T know, until you do it - so it's absolutely understandable to have an adjustment period, which is probably most of the people you hear from.
I would just say that no matter how hard any period is, just remember they are all temporary, and pass so quickly, and you are just blown away by witnessing the blossoming of this little personality right before your eyes. it really is the most humbling privilege, to be responsible for this new human's life.
I'm 35 without kids also been on the fence for a while so it's so nice to hear your thoughts on this, I share many of them and I'm also loving reading all these other comments. Thanks for making a space for this convo
Hello Lucy, motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always wondered what was the point to life, and the moment my midwife put my daughter on me, everything made sense. It's not perfect, and has it's difficult moments, but motherhood has brought out the best in me, I have never felt happier, or had a greater sense of purpose. Best of luck to you.
I have an 11 year old. I only have the one because I knew I couldn't handle more based on our lifestyle (me working full time in the US with no support for parents). I love getting to know each new version of my kid as he gets older. Being a parent has also made me strive to be a better person so I can be a better parent.
My advice would be to read some parenting books and books about child development so you're prepared for every stage. I read Parenting with Love and Logic but that was over a decade ago so I'm sure there are more options now. Also, accept the chaos. If your kid isn't at risk of physical harm, just let them be. My kid went through a phase when he was a toddler where he would throw anything he could carry into the bathtub. Paper towel rolls, clothes, etc. It was a mess to clean up but no harm done. There's a Nathan Pyle cartoon of a toddler saying, "Chaos is how I learn!"
I suffer from severe anxiety. I have a 4 month old baby. I’m tired and have new worries but I would not trade one single second. His cuddles, his smile, his laugh, getting to see his little personality develop, experiencing firsts again with him… it’s a magical experience Lucy and the most rewarding journey I have ever been on. (Teething included)
yesss, can very much relate! I had my first baby last year. before he was born, I was so worried if having kids was for me as I'm rather introverted and if I could live up to my own expectations as a mum. I felt like those expectations were very high because I was lucky enough to have had a great childhood. he's 9 months now and a very calm baby, he's a lot like me in that sense and it's very hard to believe how much of a character such a little human can be already (: honestly, I have never felt better with my mental health! a baby brings some kind of chaos, sure, but for me he also brings a lot of routine to the day which is great for me, I have been on walks daily, I have never laughed that much before, I'm singing a lot to him which is fun, I don't miss going out that much because I rarely did that before. I sleep less, yes, but go to bed at a regular schedule now which I could never manage before the baby. he gets me out of my comfort zone when he smiles at strangers and they start talking to us. which I would have never enjoyed without a baby 😅 I worry less about the little things I used to spent a lot of thoughts on (but a baby brings new worries to your mind). plus I have muuuuuch shorter screen time, so that might be a plus for you, too ;) for me the most difficult thing so far is finding the energy that my relationship needs, but it works surprisingly well for now. I think there's a lot of "brutal honesty" about having kids on the internet, because it's a topic people never talked about earlier and still probably feel more free to write it online than to say it out loud. obviously it's a very personal experience and is different for everybody, but just like with this comment section I think people enjoy not being alone with their thoughts of maybe regretting having kids, so they enjoy writing about it. I don't think online represents both sides equally. so it's great that you talk about it so openly!! (:
I currently have a one year old son that wasn’t planned. I am very much the same in that I do not thrive in chaos and very used to controlling everything. That being said, that’s not possible with a baby but it’s not the worst thing ever surprisingly. Having a baby taught me that everything doesn’t have to be so rigid and you actually will survive. One very good reason to have a child is because you want to share your life with them. They become such a fun part of every day life! You absolutely should have children if you want someone to share life with and be able to teach to be a good human! Hope this helps 💕
I can not and would not trade my life now with my life before my child. I totally get what you say. The hardest thing about having my child is making all of the rest of life with it. It is hard BUT you cope and nothing could prepare me for the joy I feel seeing my child grow. I too have mental health issues and it doesn’t go away but I have experience managing this stress much better because of my history. My advise is be close to family if you can.
I can relate to the parenthood anxiety so much! I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids until I met my current partner, also I didn't know if I would be able to have kids due to health reasons. I was terrified when we ended up pregnant really soon although we cannot be more ready than now. I still don't know the verdict if it's all worth it as the baby isn't here yet. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.
Hi, you're not alone ! I relate so mush about the choice of having children or not. Especially since I try to fully cure myself mentally first.
I have 2 children, being a mother is not easy but I can truly say that every tear, all the pain of child birth, every worry, is worth it. I can not imagine my life without them. Also it is true that after the pain of child birth when you hold that baby in your hands all the pain is forgotten. It is something that is a beautiful gift from God and that makes me so greatful that I have that gift of being a mother. ❤
Your tangent about being on the fence about children is sooo relatable. Personally, I feel pressure both ways: My family pressures me into having them (they're the type who think you're "not a real woman" and a bad wife if you don't want them); Society makes me fearful about having them due to the ability to share the harshest realities of parenthood. Additionally, I have complex trauma that I'm still working through, so my C-PTSD and my other mental health concerns make me even more concerned about doing it incorrectly and inevitably damaging a life that did not ask to be here. But at the same time, when I think about my future, children and grandchildren are usually there, and I trust that my partner would be a good parent/teammate if we decide to have kids, but sometimes I think I simply don't want them enough to truly justify having them. Other times, it feels like something is missing, and what's missing feels like kids sometimes, and it's all so... askdfjskla jlfj try to figure out what I actually want for myself, because I find it really difficult to separate the positive and negative influences that are mucking up my ability to make a decision for myself. SIGH.
its nice that youre opening up more in videos!
I can totally related to your thought process about having kids! I got married almost 15 years ago and I initially thought we’d have kids by year 5. We then lost our jobs in the recession and it took awhile to get back on our feet. By then it was never the right time and we decided by year 10, we didn’t want to have kids. But we have had so many people tell us that it was the best decision they ever made and how we would be great parents, and now, we are open to it again and just believing that what’s meant to be will be! I fully anticipate it to be hard if we do have kids but trusting that it will be a fulfilling experience!
I think it is harder/easier depending on how much nontoxic support you have (like some people have support but they don't listen or help....) I had two kids with NO support and it was hard and this last one (my third) my mom was able to come as she is retired now and it was a WORLD of difference !!! I don't regret my kids but I have complained about them :) like anything its hard sometimes and great others....just like other stages in life. HUGS
I never wanted children because of childhood trauma. Now I am 39, have worked through my trauma and want to have a child. Not sure if it will happen because of my age. Stay true to yourself, Don't make these enormous decisions based on outside pressure ❤
My mom have my siblings the first at 38 and the second at 40 years old ( I was 15) they are awesome and she is a wonderful mom, you are still young 😊
@@damzy that's super sweet, thank you 💓
Hi Melissa! Your story is pretty much mine, age and all! 🥰
I just had my second baby a month ago and I am finally at a place where I feel like I can say I love being a mom! Our family feels more complete and seeing my eldest interact with the new baby has brought us all so much joy. For me, this has been the craziest most wonderful journey. I always knew I wanted children and worked with children when I was working. I’ll say being a first time mom was a bit of a shock to my system and my expectations did not meet my reality. The thing I didn’t expect and that I am so grateful for about parenthood is how it’s changed me into a better version of myself! Watching my children grow and experience the world makes all the chaos and challenging times worth it. I would say if you know you will have kids one day, you’re all set up financially and have a supportive partner and family then go for it! Best thing I’ve ever done.
Hi Lucy! I am so excited to hear that you want kids ❤ I'll be honest with you, I felt the same pressure that you are feeling, like I had to graduate first and start thriving in life before kids and all that stuff... long story short, I graduated as a dentist, a few years later and after dating my boyfriend for over 7 years, we finally got married. We wanted to wait before having kids because we wanted to travel and that kind of stuff, which never happened because we had a family emergency and so after 6 years of being married, thank God I finally got pregnant 🎉 our baby girl is turning 2 next month and guess what? I love it! I'm like... why did I hear others and not do this before? 😅 yes, babies are unpredictable but they give you the purest love you will ever receive. I went to work until the day I gave birth and I have not gone back to work yet, I don't have much of a support system with the baby (friends who offer to babysit or my Sister because she lives abroad) but I enjoy each moment with our baby girl ❤
I forgot to mention, we are even planning on getting another baby soon ❤❤❤
I have a 5 year old girl and a 10 year old girl and they absolutely saved my life, I have never been happier, so much love, they are literally the best things I have ever done. We do crafts together, sewing, diy, go to the zoo, movies, shopping. I love being able to teach them things, to be accepting and kind. I feel like life would be so boring and meaningless without them! The absolute loves of my life.
Mom of two with one on the way. I'm a stay at home mom to a three year old and a one year old. I can honestly say motherhood is both the most rewarding and the hardest thing I've ever done. You're responsible for shaping little humans and teaching them right from wrong, it's a huge responsibility. As someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety I can understand the trepidation, but I genuinely can't imagine my life without my girls. They bring so much joy just by existing! They're curious and they ask a million questions which can be over-stimulating but the look on their face when they figure something out is priceless. I'm a youngish mom (26 with 2.5 kids) and I have people ask if I wish I had stayed single longer or waited to have kids and while I understand their perspective, I can honestly say I wouldn't trade my life for all the "freedom" in the world. Being a mom is hard, but nothing worth doing is easy.
I have 3 grown children, and I've learned from them and their needs, as small people, how to be a better person. You learn to not be self-centered, and that in itself is monumental growth. Of course you'll want to pull your hair out from time to time, and that's normal, but the end results, if you've tried to do your best, are so rewarding. I am so proud of my kids, and now their kids. I can see where all our diligence has paid off tenfold.
I had my son at 43 yrs old. Wish I had started earlier and had more than one, but my life circumstances didn’t work out until that point. Being an older parent, I had established my career, had a stable husband and finances and as a result, it was far easier than I had imagined. Everything fell into place, day care worked out well…it was a lovely facility with a food forest (quite a granola environment) and caring staff, I would drop off in the morning, my husband would pick up in the evening and make dinner so I could work later. We were both involved in all aspects. When my son was 9yrs old, I retired and became more available, walking with him to school, etc. Now that he is 14, he is much more involved with my husband’s interests, and I feel a little left out…but these are the teen years, so I understand that things will also get rocky (hormones, the push for independence, etc.) for quite a while. I guess at this stage we make the most of the good times, and have lots of patience for the ups and downs. Try to keep our sense of humour and focus on the important stuff.