When my bf and I were still in the dating stage, all I could think was it was a blessing to be with someone who made me want to date so mindfully. Every step along the way was a brand new experience and required us to be extremely intensional in how we were showing up. As a simple example, I once told my DA I wanted to spend more time together and he says "why?" and I explained exactly why. And he was like "oh, ok." The clarity that comes with knowing that we do not think alike and have different internal realities is a "golden nugget" and made dating a joyful exploration.
I am proud to say that I used to be a dismissive avoidant but have since been inching my way into secure attachment territory! :) It still requires a lot of effort and calling out my own habits from time to time
2:47 Very odd the anxious person assumed when the avoidant needed space that he didn’t actually mean it. I’m anxious as can be but even I would know someone saying they need space means it. However, forgetting to call someone back is disinterest whether dismissive or not. I have dated many dismissives and the ones who truly cared for me always called back.
Alot of this resonates with my DA ex. A difference in opinion would be so damning to the relationship, i could never understand it at the time. The flaw finding was a different level and it all came out when i expressed my needs
Let me tell you, you are not alone lol. My ex did the SAME exact thing. As soon as I brought up a lack of intimacy, pulled away, then dumped me. With a text message on Father’s Day lol..
@@sunspiral79 yeah, it honestly changed me as a person. I deeply loved her. And it’s like That aspect and me is just gone now. It’s been almost 4 years and I’ve tried to date again, but I just don’t have it in me anymore lol. They’re deeply troubled people, as I am now. Just don’t.
@@SpicyLunarDust too late..Im already five months in. I think part of it is these avoidant type of people also have narcissistic traits. Only care about themselves. The one Im mixed up with intentionally does shit to upset me..then she got the nerve to blame me for being to emotional. I wanted to believe she is a good person but...good people dont behave such ways
@@sunspiral79 Yeah dude, I was with her for only about six months officially. Eight months unofficially. But she did the same exact shit to me lol! That relationship is what brought me to learn about myself though, and come to find out it was all trauma bond and emotional abuse. Love is a verb, and they’re just not yet ready for it in the vast majority of cases.
I definitely try to understand how I am being treated in a relationship by asking myself what state of mind I would have to be in to treat someone the same way. I never considered that I was projecting when doing this. How then do I prevent myself from being abused or manipulated? I dated a DA female who wanted to flirt with and ask out guys right in front of me, she would tell me about her tinder dates when we were on our own dates. From my perspective this was incredibly rude and insensitive. When I tried to address the issue with her she said that she really liked me but she wasn't going to be with someone who tries to control her...
I had a similar experience with a friend who I suspect is DA, whom I developed feelings for. Hekept bringing up his crushes and previous dates while we were hanging out and then in the same night when he told me he would like us to take it more serious, he ditched me for another girl on the dancefloor and spent the rest of the night next to her. When I asked him about it, he said I imagined things and he does not want to stop being himselff. Ugh.
I would love to see a video on how dismissive avoidants approach the power stuggle phase with steps on what they can do to start their healing journey or in general what they need to do to break their patterns…I think this might be very helpful. Btw love your videos they helped me A LOT understanding my DA partner
In my view they're unlikely to change during the power struggle phase because by then it's deeply unconscious behaviour in a confusing situation they don't understand. It would be like being told to breathe water. They can only realise there's a problem after repeated failure at relationships.
Spot on with the "come together at touch points to benefit each others lives and go back to being on their own again". I'd also liken it to a research project where you spend the day studying then everyone takes what they learned to the group. Bliss. The irony is I don't have one relationship like this, I have a dozen exes where I hope that they come back just to catch up. A serialised TV show versus a season plot arc.
Sometimes, you put me to sleep. Not because you're boring, but because your voice is soothing, and it puts me to sleep. It's like listening to music 🎶 That's why sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I turn your show on.. Because it helps me sleep. Real talk ✌️ ☮️
My DA has left me three times (before I knew about attachment styles) He hasn’t contacted me nor responded to my communications for ten months. I would love a video on how to reconnect because I love this man more than I have anyone ever (and I am no longer young- only at heart)
After a year, it got REAL old for me. The self sabotaging and having to walk on eggshells and work to puulllll anyrhing out of her to even TRY to communicate got to be a nightmare
With great difficulty. Its this balancing act of wanting someone vs being triggered by vulnerability. Ultimately theres the discard when it becomes too much. It is really not worth being on the receiving end because no needs or expectations will be met. Your honestly better avoiding the avoidant to save heart ache.
I must stop watching these videos. Don't get me wrong, Thais' provided information is great, but after having watched so many from her and from other good therapists out there, I feel I am already almost an expert on this subject. Although each video is a bit different, I get no surprise whatsoever. I feel that if got a question 'Why do DA people do ******?' (insert your question here), I could make a video on my own as a reply, and my explanations would be quite acceptable. 😅
@dannywholuv haha and how much work I still have to do. I swear I will be self aware in the moment and still feeling triggered and questioning myself questioning myself 🤣
Question: do they act/believe they/we are in a movie (rom comedy)? Cuz I'm getting that, like, well there's no script, but it looks like that's what she wants. Guess I'll call up Hugh Grant and get some tips... Thais could you do one on FAs meeting DAs and ...can they make it? Thank you.
Probably difficult being a parent, if one often needs a week/days of space from the family. But maybe DAs are more present with their children than with their spouse.
My DA would work so much that she would barely even see her child, an hour in the evening before bed 3 days a week and one weekend day. Hated spending time with her family too. Id be well down the priority list as a partner, once a month sometimes.
When my bf and I were still in the dating stage, all I could think was it was a blessing to be with someone who made me want to date so mindfully. Every step along the way was a brand new experience and required us to be extremely intensional in how we were showing up. As a simple example, I once told my DA I wanted to spend more time together and he says "why?" and I explained exactly why. And he was like "oh, ok." The clarity that comes with knowing that we do not think alike and have different internal realities is a "golden nugget" and made dating a joyful exploration.
❤
I'm so happy for you
Yours actually asked clarifying questions and communicates without immediately shutting down like a zombie? Luckyyyy
I am proud to say that I used to be a dismissive avoidant but have since been inching my way into secure attachment territory! :)
It still requires a lot of effort and calling out my own habits from time to time
2:47 Very odd the anxious person assumed when the avoidant needed space that he didn’t actually mean it. I’m anxious as can be but even I would know someone saying they need space means it. However, forgetting to call someone back is disinterest whether dismissive or not. I have dated many dismissives and the ones who truly cared for me always called back.
Alot of this resonates with my DA ex. A difference in opinion would be so damning to the relationship, i could never understand it at the time. The flaw finding was a different level and it all came out when i expressed my needs
Let me tell you, you are not alone lol. My ex did the SAME exact thing. As soon as I brought up a lack of intimacy, pulled away, then dumped me. With a text message on Father’s Day lol..
@@SpicyLunarDust see.. its stories like yours that makes me believe theres deeper issues with these type of people. Thats cold hearted
@@sunspiral79 yeah, it honestly changed me as a person. I deeply loved her. And it’s like That aspect and me is just gone now. It’s been almost 4 years and I’ve tried to date again, but I just don’t have it in me anymore lol.
They’re deeply troubled people, as I am now. Just don’t.
@@SpicyLunarDust too late..Im already five months in. I think part of it is these avoidant type of people also have narcissistic traits. Only care about themselves. The one Im mixed up with intentionally does shit to upset me..then she got the nerve to blame me for being to emotional.
I wanted to believe she is a good person but...good people dont behave such ways
@@sunspiral79 Yeah dude, I was with her for only about six months officially. Eight months unofficially. But she did the same exact shit to me lol! That relationship is what brought me to learn about myself though, and come to find out it was all trauma bond and emotional abuse. Love is a verb, and they’re just not yet ready for it in the vast majority of cases.
I definitely try to understand how I am being treated in a relationship by asking myself what state of mind I would have to be in to treat someone the same way. I never considered that I was projecting when doing this. How then do I prevent myself from being abused or manipulated? I dated a DA female who wanted to flirt with and ask out guys right in front of me, she would tell me about her tinder dates when we were on our own dates. From my perspective this was incredibly rude and insensitive. When I tried to address the issue with her she said that she really liked me but she wasn't going to be with someone who tries to control her...
I had a similar experience with a friend who I suspect is DA, whom I developed feelings for. Hekept bringing up his crushes and previous dates while we were hanging out and then in the same night when he told me he would like us to take it more serious, he ditched me for another girl on the dancefloor and spent the rest of the night next to her. When I asked him about it, he said I imagined things and he does not want to stop being himselff. Ugh.
I would love to see a video on how dismissive avoidants approach the power stuggle phase with steps on what they can do to start their healing journey or in general what they need to do to break their patterns…I think this might be very helpful.
Btw love your videos they helped me A LOT understanding my DA partner
In my view they're unlikely to change during the power struggle phase because by then it's deeply unconscious behaviour in a confusing situation they don't understand. It would be like being told to breathe water. They can only realise there's a problem after repeated failure at relationships.
@@Daimo83 💯
I love how accurately Thais explains things!
Spot on with the "come together at touch points to benefit each others lives and go back to being on their own again". I'd also liken it to a research project where you spend the day studying then everyone takes what they learned to the group. Bliss. The irony is I don't have one relationship like this, I have a dozen exes where I hope that they come back just to catch up. A serialised TV show versus a season plot arc.
My recent ex was like this and had the collection of exes and orbiters. She valued them over me, and that’s exactly why she’s my ex now.
Sometimes, you put me to sleep.
Not because you're boring, but because your voice is soothing, and it puts me to sleep.
It's like listening to music 🎶
That's why sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I turn your show on..
Because it helps me sleep.
Real talk ✌️ ☮️
Same!!! Very peaceful.
They myth is "treat people how you want to be treated" when in fact, it's to treat people how THEY want to be treated.
My significant other is exactly like this...
It's interesting when something it totally out of our conscious awareness until someone tells us about it from the outside :)
Yeah but the avoidant is likely dismiss you and avoid..lol
My DA has left me three times (before I knew about attachment styles) He hasn’t contacted me nor responded to my communications for ten months. I would love a video on how to reconnect because I love this man more than I have anyone ever (and I am no longer young- only at heart)
Then let his ass go! He’s not interested. I’m anxious as shit but I never let anyone keep coming back and leaving again.
dating a DA sounds like hell for an anxious attached
After a year, it got REAL old for me. The self sabotaging and having to walk on eggshells and work to puulllll anyrhing out of her to even TRY to communicate got to be a nightmare
It is hell so get out while you can
How do DA maintain any serious relationships?
With great difficulty. Its this balancing act of wanting someone vs being triggered by vulnerability. Ultimately theres the discard when it becomes too much. It is really not worth being on the receiving end because no needs or expectations will be met. Your honestly better avoiding the avoidant to save heart ache.
I must stop watching these videos. Don't get me wrong, Thais' provided information is great, but after having watched so many from her and from other good therapists out there, I feel I am already almost an expert on this subject. Although each video is a bit different, I get no surprise whatsoever. I feel that if got a question 'Why do DA people do ******?' (insert your question here), I could make a video on my own as a reply, and my explanations would be quite acceptable. 😅
Hehe me too! I'm so thankful for her ♡
Yeah im the same. It is a double edged sword - part of me gains validation and the other part serves as a reminder of all the crap i put up with 😢
@@dannywholuv so true
@dannywholuv haha and how much work I still have to do. I swear I will be self aware in the moment and still feeling triggered and questioning myself questioning myself 🤣
Good on you.
You look very beautiful.
❤️
Subwoofer voice 🎶
💥 💥 💥 💥 💥 💥
Question: do they act/believe they/we are in a movie (rom comedy)? Cuz I'm getting that, like, well there's no script, but it looks like that's what she wants. Guess I'll call up Hugh Grant and get some tips... Thais could you do one on FAs meeting DAs and ...can they make it? Thank you.
No, that is not something typically associated with DAs
Probably difficult being a parent, if one often needs a week/days of space from the family.
But maybe DAs are more present with their children than with their spouse.
Yes, the children aren’t threatening and don’t trigger them like a romantic partner.
My DA would work so much that she would barely even see her child, an hour in the evening before bed 3 days a week and one weekend day. Hated spending time with her family too. Id be well down the priority list as a partner, once a month sometimes.
@@dannywholuv I guess a Secure Leaning DA can make a present parent. Or ppl who worked on their attachment, becoming more secure.
As a child of DAs, no. They're not. DAs should not become parents.
@@sshuteandrew IDK where you came up with that, but that's not an actuality for any child of DA parents.
Omg this explains Solomon to a T. Now I understand him better - but of course it’s too late.
The reprobate mind-
Check the Bible, folks.
Nah those are actually narcissists not avoidants. Avoidants can be healed, narcissists can only come to by God alone lol.