This is exactly what happened to me. I’m securely attached, and he’s an avoidant. We’re in no contact, and I don’t care. That is so selfish!! 🤬 I expressed what I wanted early on and he pretended to be what he is not. Thanks Coach!!❤
🎯 Info that would come straight from the "Avoiding the Avoidant" textbook, if such a thing existed. 😂 Excellent advice. I'm securely attached and plan on staying that way!
@@暗香晚风 They do when they study psychology. 😂 And when they dated an Avoidant that first came across as securely attached. 😄 There's always something to learn, and I love Coach Ryan's info and delivery. 🎯 He's doing a public service. 👍
@@暗香晚风oh yes we do we watch them so we can study avoidant's problematic behaviour , recognise it, then avoid them once we leave one and start dating again. It's called learning from experience so we avoid avoidants and stay secure by setting that boundary and leaving anxious and avoidants to date each other and do the push pull dance they both love, period.
You're doing a great job, Ryan. Keep telling them, and say it louder for the people at the back. Nothing but truth here, these avoidants don't last long with us once we realise and understand their behaviour, and we read books and research on avoidant people. Not because we don't care but because the behaviour is unattractive to a secure person and I wish people would stop expecting us to "heal" these people or "make them more secure" just because we're healthy we are not a good match. We know nothing can progress in a healthy manner with any avoidant.
I allowed it to happen for six months then I finally decided to opt out. Haven't talked to him in a little over two months. Of course it hurt at first then you finally get stronger and stronger.
I would say that my relationship with a DA has changed and I feel i’m compromising. We had a conversation about my needs which I don’t think are that demanding-more affection like he gave at the beginning of the relationship and more I statements so I can understand him more. I couldn’t respond at that time, said he would, but hasn’t yet and probably won’t. So I feel like we are companions supporting each other, spending time together without a deeper connection I’ve told myself if someone e else comes along I would consider dating this new person. It’s a strange relationship and in a way it’s working but could be better. So it’s up to me at this point
Thank you Coach how you help so many on this journey with learning educating videos knowledge. It is so difficult I’ve read so many comments stories what people are dealing with or gone thru. I am truly grateful as it helps me to try move forward in life. I know it is helping so many others. Blessings to you ✨🌟😇🌠
Yup. What happened to me. Secure while cont to meet lots of emotionally unavailable men that would love bomb and then abruptly leave. Had no idea what was going on/was making me very dubious/bitter about the dating world. Only until dating my last avoident, experiencing the worst heartbreak of my life, did I come across attachment theory and realize what was happening/why it was happening. Am older than I'd like but am still grateful for the wisdom going forward.
I tried to hold boundaries but she over stepped them and disrespected them again and again no matter what I did. She then monkey branched and cheated apparently it was all my fault I’m abusive etc but so much better now she’s gone
Not exactly fair to say an avoidant doesn't care about the needs of the other person. Sometimes we just don't get 'em. It took me a lot of time reflecting to realize that I neglected some of my ex partner's needs, and it took me even more time to realize that not opening up to communicate mine (mostly cause I feel like I bother ppl when I do) was also a form of neglecting her needs indirctly because letting people do nice things for you or do the things the way you want them to be done lets them feel fullfillment, knowing they're being good for you. I'm just so emotionally negligent I wanted to attend her needs without feeling like a nuissance or needy myself, he never made me feel like I was needy or anything though, I had no reason to behave like that yet I did. Because I didn't know. Generally like these videos and they helped me a lot to try and fix what makes me a mess, but the lack on these little details can steer ppl in the wrong direction. Some can fix their stuff if they want to and get the right sources of knowledge, some are not even that severe in their avoidance. It's hard to know though, since you can't truly know what's going on with ppl's head and even less so if they don't communicate. No contact works though, and you gotta hold it through whatever they come up with. Unless it's a detailed apology aknowledging their mistakes sincerely, including everything they did wrong. If that actually happens, there might be a chance, because that can only come after self reflection.
I understand what you're saying, but to the person on the receiving end, it's a distinction without a difference. Their most basic wants/needs/expectations are completely ignored.
@@brennam954 Yes, but if you aim at saving the relationship it does matter. They're not actually ignored, they could be addressed. It can be fixed. Unless you take this stance. Because if the odd occurrence happen and the avoidant actually self reflect but the other partner doesn't aknowledge it at all, it's doomed aswell. And it will be damaging for both, it's also harmful, and it's wrong aswell. But that doesn't get you more clicks. Something to be careful
@@pizzalamander It's very naive to think that avoidants' partners never attempt to address their frustrations or unmet needs in the relationship. It comes across as victim blaming.
@@Trapicidal I'm a bit busy atm but I might write more when I get back home in 5hs. That will always depend on how severe the avoidance problem the person has. This whole thing was written from my perspective and I dont think I'm too avoidant. I did tell her I wasn't good at communicating very early on. I knew it wasn't her fault at all and never blamed her for anything (glad I didn't), I don't raise my voice and I'm not violent. She did a great job at not making me feel attacked and only told me how she felt. I just couldn't understand why she felt like that at the time. Sometimes finding the right video to share with them can make a difference. Some of this guy's videos are a bit less "abrasive" towards avoidants. Jerry on relationships is another youtube channel that covers the topic and I've seen a few from him that helped me too, he seems more balanced on the topic from my opinion. Do mind whoever replied to me earlier has a good point for many cases where avoidants won't fix themselves. The avoidant gotta actually care about you to flip the switch and acknowledge their mistakes fully, cause that shows they actually try to understand how you feel. A half attempt will fall short imo. Check the other channel I mentioned and you gotta express your needs. See how they react. If they blame you for them, stand your ground, explain why it's the bare minimum and how the situation can't continue. You could mention that you noticed them pulling away and being more distant or reluctant to open up as recently, how some ppl do that unintentionally without knowing and that it's called avoidance attachment. Then do the no contact and stick to it until they do the work. Cause one thing this channel does hit right is that there's no chance for a future in a one sided relationship. They have to do the work and realize that even if it wasn't something actively done, just by omission you could cause harm to your SO. My situation for example: She mentioned a few times (like 2 separate occasions) about how she was very loyal, and I never acknowledged it, I dont even remember how the conversation kept flowing but I didnt give her validation or my point of view, thoughts and such on the matter. I understand now that she was beating around the bush to figure out if I saw our relationship as a exclusive kind of thing. I didnt precisely do anything bad action-wise but by omission I caused harm. Some avoidants might not feel the same in this situation because they wouldn't acknowledge they did something wrong. Some can't see the harm in not doing
Never settle for less and never be afraid to walk away. 😊
This is exactly what happened to me. I’m securely attached, and he’s an avoidant. We’re in no contact, and I don’t care. That is so selfish!! 🤬 I expressed what I wanted early on and he pretended to be what he is not. Thanks Coach!!❤
Secure attachment usually doesn't watch this type of video
@@暗香晚风offcourse they do, the ones that became anxious. An avoidant makes you fall from your security, believe it or not! It happens all the time!
@@暗香晚风 Of course we do it’s called learning!🙄😜
@@pizzelle2 Yes, Secure know how to deal with and solve the same situation. They will not be stubborn.
@@Ruthforme👌😂
🎯 Info that would come straight from the "Avoiding the Avoidant" textbook, if such a thing existed. 😂 Excellent advice. I'm securely attached and plan on staying that way!
Secure attachment usually doesn't watch this type of video
@@暗香晚风 They do when they study psychology. 😂 And when they dated an Avoidant that first came across as securely attached. 😄 There's always something to learn, and I love Coach Ryan's info and delivery. 🎯 He's doing a public service. 👍
@@暗香晚风oh yes we do we watch them so we can study avoidant's problematic behaviour , recognise it, then avoid them once we leave one and start dating again. It's called learning from experience so we avoid avoidants and stay secure by setting that boundary and leaving anxious and avoidants to date each other and do the push pull dance they both love, period.
You're doing a great job, Ryan. Keep telling them, and say it louder for the people at the back. Nothing but truth here, these avoidants don't last long with us once we realise and understand their behaviour, and we read books and research on avoidant people. Not because we don't care but because the behaviour is unattractive to a secure person and I wish people would stop expecting us to "heal" these people or "make them more secure" just because we're healthy we are not a good match. We know nothing can progress in a healthy manner with any avoidant.
I allowed it to happen for six months then I finally decided to opt out. Haven't talked to him in a little over two months. Of course it hurt at first then you finally get stronger and stronger.
Yep, this happened to me. Three months of NC and I'm getting better and moving on.
I would say that my relationship with a DA has changed and I feel i’m compromising. We had a conversation about my needs which I don’t think are that demanding-more affection like he gave at the beginning of the relationship and more I statements so I can understand him more. I couldn’t respond at that time, said he would, but hasn’t yet and probably won’t. So I feel like we are companions supporting each other, spending time together without a deeper connection I’ve told myself if someone e else comes along I would consider dating this new person. It’s a strange relationship and in a way it’s working but could be better. So it’s up to me at this point
Very clear explanation about human behaviors! The more we understand about people the wiser we become!!!
This is so truthful 💯%
Thank you Coach how you help so many on this journey with learning educating videos knowledge. It is so difficult I’ve read so many comments stories what people are dealing with or gone thru. I am truly grateful as it helps me to try move forward in life. I know it is helping so many others. Blessings to you ✨🌟😇🌠
Thank you for this video Coach Ryan. Especially your words at the end
Yes you did it again... perfect explanation.You are amazing!!!
thank you coach honestly from the bottom of my heart
Yup. What happened to me. Secure while cont to meet lots of emotionally unavailable men that would love bomb and then abruptly leave. Had no idea what was going on/was making me very dubious/bitter about the dating world. Only until dating my last avoident, experiencing the worst heartbreak of my life, did I come across attachment theory and realize what was happening/why it was happening. Am older than I'd like but am still grateful for the wisdom going forward.
I tried to hold boundaries but she over stepped them and disrespected them again and again no matter what I did. She then monkey branched and cheated apparently it was all my fault I’m abusive etc but so much better now she’s gone
Not exactly fair to say an avoidant doesn't care about the needs of the other person. Sometimes we just don't get 'em. It took me a lot of time reflecting to realize that I neglected some of my ex partner's needs, and it took me even more time to realize that not opening up to communicate mine (mostly cause I feel like I bother ppl when I do) was also a form of neglecting her needs indirctly because letting people do nice things for you or do the things the way you want them to be done lets them feel fullfillment, knowing they're being good for you. I'm just so emotionally negligent I wanted to attend her needs without feeling like a nuissance or needy myself, he never made me feel like I was needy or anything though, I had no reason to behave like that yet I did. Because I didn't know.
Generally like these videos and they helped me a lot to try and fix what makes me a mess, but the lack on these little details can steer ppl in the wrong direction. Some can fix their stuff if they want to and get the right sources of knowledge, some are not even that severe in their avoidance. It's hard to know though, since you can't truly know what's going on with ppl's head and even less so if they don't communicate.
No contact works though, and you gotta hold it through whatever they come up with. Unless it's a detailed apology aknowledging their mistakes sincerely, including everything they did wrong. If that actually happens, there might be a chance, because that can only come after self reflection.
I understand what you're saying, but to the person on the receiving end, it's a distinction without a difference. Their most basic wants/needs/expectations are completely ignored.
@@brennam954 Yes, but if you aim at saving the relationship it does matter. They're not actually ignored, they could be addressed. It can be fixed. Unless you take this stance. Because if the odd occurrence happen and the avoidant actually self reflect but the other partner doesn't aknowledge it at all, it's doomed aswell. And it will be damaging for both, it's also harmful, and it's wrong aswell. But that doesn't get you more clicks. Something to be careful
Could you please let me know how to let an avoidant know about their attachment without triggering them
@@pizzalamander It's very naive to think that avoidants' partners never attempt to address their frustrations or unmet needs in the relationship. It comes across as victim blaming.
@@Trapicidal I'm a bit busy atm but I might write more when I get back home in 5hs. That will always depend on how severe the avoidance problem the person has. This whole thing was written from my perspective and I dont think I'm too avoidant. I did tell her I wasn't good at communicating very early on. I knew it wasn't her fault at all and never blamed her for anything (glad I didn't), I don't raise my voice and I'm not violent.
She did a great job at not making me feel attacked and only told me how she felt. I just couldn't understand why she felt like that at the time. Sometimes finding the right video to share with them can make a difference. Some of this guy's videos are a bit less "abrasive" towards avoidants. Jerry on relationships is another youtube channel that covers the topic and I've seen a few from him that helped me too, he seems more balanced on the topic from my opinion. Do mind whoever replied to me earlier has a good point for many cases where avoidants won't fix themselves.
The avoidant gotta actually care about you to flip the switch and acknowledge their mistakes fully, cause that shows they actually try to understand how you feel. A half attempt will fall short imo.
Check the other channel I mentioned and you gotta express your needs. See how they react. If they blame you for them, stand your ground, explain why it's the bare minimum and how the situation can't continue. You could mention that you noticed them pulling away and being more distant or reluctant to open up as recently, how some ppl do that unintentionally without knowing and that it's called avoidance attachment. Then do the no contact and stick to it until they do the work.
Cause one thing this channel does hit right is that there's no chance for a future in a one sided relationship. They have to do the work and realize that even if it wasn't something actively done, just by omission you could cause harm to your SO.
My situation for example: She mentioned a few times (like 2 separate occasions) about how she was very loyal, and I never acknowledged it, I dont even remember how the conversation kept flowing but I didnt give her validation or my point of view, thoughts and such on the matter. I understand now that she was beating around the bush to figure out if I saw our relationship as a exclusive kind of thing. I didnt precisely do anything bad action-wise but by omission I caused harm. Some avoidants might not feel the same in this situation because they wouldn't acknowledge they did something wrong. Some can't see the harm in not doing
🙏👍🌿☀️🌟💞😇
Secure? The Secure does not have this kind of persistence. They will leave rationally and even look down on the Avoidant