Crazy how spot on this piece of content is. Today marks 4 months since my avoidant partner broke up with me (obv. out of the blue). What really makes it hard to move on is the potential they show during the honeymoon phase and, at the same time, the fact that they can mask pretty easily what they feel after breakup (they might seem almost unfazed by it). Also a big point is that when they find a secure person they get bored/scared by the perspective of a healthy realtionship and start to pull away: seeing them pursueing unhealthy dynamics just to feel an emotional rush is so hard to understand, but it's something that they do without even knowing why. And then, when their emotions start to rise, you are scared for their mental health because of the connection you once had with this person, so you would love to be helpful, but they think that they can do all by themselves because of their sense of hyper-self-reliance. And, by the way, they would be the first to suggest you to detach and move on but at the same time play the role of the victim once you do it. I guess you understand that it's some crazy shit, and if you can't jump off the rollercoaster be prepared to feel emotional and physical pain due to rush of feelings, stress and misleading behaviours (coming from a secure person who now feel anxious related to his avoidant).
I can so relate to all you said. Wow. Absolutely true. We fall in love with their potential they showed us in the beginning. But they don't know how to have healthy relationships. They're so dysfunctional that the self sabotage without even being aware. Or like you said, they chase after unhealthy behaviors or patterns and repeat the same stuff all over again with you, that they did in their past. She broke my heart in a million pieces, several times. I been working hard to remember all the stress she caused me with her indecisive actions, hit and cold emotions, inconsistent love and affection and her lack of consistency in communication. I was so stressed out and anxious all the time. We were together for two years. I know her story, her family, her trauma. I was so patient and supportive. I showed up for her in every way a person could. But she'd still get scared and pull away every time, in the end. It was exhausting and it took a toll on my self worth, confidence and mental health. I had no choice but to choose myself and try to let her go, finally. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I saw her beautiful potential. She was everything I ever wanted in the first 6 months. And then she was never that same person again. Grieving her has been like a death, in some ways? It's so painful, but I don't deserve an inconsistent love and breadcrumbs. I deserve the whole damn loaf.
So spot on. During the honeymoon phase, when he idealized me, he actually expressed excitement for some toxic behavior he wanted me to have during the relationship, like telling him what to do, being overly jealous, telling me how to dress, reduce him to a doormat like his ex did, according to what he told me.
I think I entered into it fairly secure but ended super anxious … these people are just like quick sand. The more you try to move the more you get stuck. Best to wake up before your head goes beneath the surface and have health issues. It takes time to unlearn what they conditioned in you so gradually
Alexis your videos are really different and great. Please don’t stop making them! You have a very unique perspective that no one else shares. 💛 can you do a video about how to bring up the idea of attachment work and gently bring up the idea of change and growth when they don’t know about attachment and don’t know it’s possible to reprogram attachment. Thank you
This is the only video that has given me peace. I came in this secure and ready. My therapist also confirmed it today. I left anxious preoccupied?😢 Everything became reactive abusive. I know now to just let it go, he was just unable to do the work prior or during. I feel at peace with his decision!❤
You are absolutely right! I WAS 'secure' before I was with an avoidant person. Then I became a bit anxious (for a little while). Now, after 2 break-ups in 6 yrs, that was their choice (and could not even justify it to themselves, let alone me), I think I may be verging on 'avoidant' myself; in that, I feel pretty emotionless about the relationship. After the 2nd break-up it has now been 3 months back together. I am constantly questioning myself now if I want to be in this relationship. My partner IS being kind & caring towards me *at the moment*. I don't feel that I can be the same this time. Whenever I am kind and caring towards them, they leave.
Unfortunately that is the dynamic The approach and avoid push and pull. I went through that for many years with my avoidant husband. I myself an anxious avoidant. When I would get close he would pull away When he would get close I will pull away. Both of you have to do the work otherwise it's going to end. So sorry❤️🩹
@@jackiel7726 Sweetheart you are right! I said 6yrs, but it has only been 6yrs recently. It's actually been 40yrs 'on and off''. We were apart for more than 27yrs.(Because I moved to another country) During that time we were 'friends'. THEN, He put his arms around me and kissed me ''in that way'' .... I think I was probably his 'phantom ex' ;-) The last 6 yrs have been either good or awful, there has been NO in-between.....I don't even want to live with him, let alone ask him to move to my country. BUT the last time he broke up with me was 2 days before our 40th aniverssary of 'first date' in the 80s..... BIG date, lotsa lovin, not neccsearily BIG effort, but yeah.... emotions? and THAT might have been the problem? . (first break-up was during Covid.... soo....)
@@jackiel7726 I DID do the work. He thinks that he never does anything wrong and is totally blameless. I did an online course about communicating with your partner. Did he? I went to a psychotherapist for 4 months who said to me that I was the most confident, secure, happy and optimistic person she had ever met. Did he? When things went to sh1t for me, i always used to say a few months later, ''well the silver lining on the cloud was......''. I think that actually irritated him! 😮
I was told the same thing. She told me I love you at least three times a day and said she was so in love with me it ached. She was very anxious and fearful of being alone. Then one random day she told me she never wanted to see me again. Eventually she told me she never loved me when I tried to say hi to her several months later. We both were head over heels in love then we were nothing.
You are being honest here. 🙂 Are you honest with your partners when in a relationship? I find that my avoidant partner is not honest with himself, let alone me.... he just runs away for no reason other than that I love him.
Very true. The anxious are the ones to usually self reflect and do the work. DA usually dont’ even think they have a problem. They just don’t self reflect
@@FrankyboyFloyd I think that you are SPOT ON! I did an online 'communicating with your partner' type of course. I then saw a psychotherapist, for 4 months, who actually could not find anything 'wrong' with me (she actually thought that I was a secure, happy, optimistic person!) And THEN he broke up with me - FB message 'I can't do this anymore' - 6 days before my birthday! I did the work; he dumped me. 3yrs later ......only 2 days before a significant anniversary - at least it was on the phone this time 🙄- ''do you know what? You're dumped!'' And now he's back.......AGAIN! THIS time... I hate myself for it.... I feel very little emotion. I was secure.... then I became a bit anxious.... and now I feel that I am becoming avoidant myself!
@DjCheck-m6f How disrespectful! 🤬 I am not 'getting my ex back'. I am with him. I don't need to 'restore the relationship', rather he needs to learn how to keep one. I have no illness. I was with this man before, 27yrs ago (I was married to someone else, hence the gap). HE has become very damaged since then, not me! My psychotherapist told me as much. I watch Alexis to help me try to understand my man, not for people to spit venom at me in comments.
THANK YOU!!🙏 For this wonderful helpful video. What makes me sad is That after so many years together he is going to go and try with someone new. Instead of going to therapy with me and working it out together.❤️🩹❤️
40th anniversary of us knowing each other (6yrs together this time)...... ''you know what? You're dumped'' he said on the phone 2 days beforehand! He's back now.... 6 months later🙄 I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
I'm INFJ and married someone who completely lacks empathy or expresses emotions. He had an affair when we were trying for our second child and we both fell pregnant at the same time, he had 2 children with her before I found out about her. It crushes your soul the amount of betrayal. When he told me, he was mostly relieved from holding in the guilt but feared not seeing his kids, he wanted to stay but I couldn't do it and we split for 3 years. We tried again mostly for the kids and it was good for short while and then he just disconnected from all of us and we divorced after 10 years when the youngest finished school. He said he thought I'd never forgiven him. I wish we had counselling when tried again.
Crazy how spot on this piece of content is. Today marks 4 months since my avoidant partner broke up with me (obv. out of the blue).
What really makes it hard to move on is the potential they show during the honeymoon phase and, at the same time, the fact that they can mask pretty easily what they feel after breakup (they might seem almost unfazed by it). Also a big point is that when they find a secure person they get bored/scared by the perspective of a healthy realtionship and start to pull away: seeing them pursueing unhealthy dynamics just to feel an emotional rush is so hard to understand, but it's something that they do without even knowing why.
And then, when their emotions start to rise, you are scared for their mental health because of the connection you once had with this person, so you would love to be helpful, but they think that they can do all by themselves because of their sense of hyper-self-reliance.
And, by the way, they would be the first to suggest you to detach and move on but at the same time play the role of the victim once you do it. I guess you understand that it's some crazy shit, and if you can't jump off the rollercoaster be prepared to feel emotional and physical pain due to rush of feelings, stress and misleading behaviours (coming from a secure person who now feel anxious related to his avoidant).
Spot on! Thank you.
They act very evil.
I can so relate to all you said. Wow. Absolutely true. We fall in love with their potential they showed us in the beginning. But they don't know how to have healthy relationships. They're so dysfunctional that the self sabotage without even being aware. Or like you said, they chase after unhealthy behaviors or patterns and repeat the same stuff all over again with you, that they did in their past. She broke my heart in a million pieces, several times. I been working hard to remember all the stress she caused me with her indecisive actions, hit and cold emotions, inconsistent love and affection and her lack of consistency in communication. I was so stressed out and anxious all the time. We were together for two years. I know her story, her family, her trauma. I was so patient and supportive. I showed up for her in every way a person could. But she'd still get scared and pull away every time, in the end. It was exhausting and it took a toll on my self worth, confidence and mental health. I had no choice but to choose myself and try to let her go, finally. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I saw her beautiful potential. She was everything I ever wanted in the first 6 months. And then she was never that same person again. Grieving her has been like a death, in some ways? It's so painful, but I don't deserve an inconsistent love and breadcrumbs. I deserve the whole damn loaf.
@@MrOldskool1974 exactly my story. The same almost in details.
So spot on.
During the honeymoon phase, when he idealized me, he actually expressed excitement for some toxic behavior he wanted me to have during the relationship, like telling him what to do, being overly jealous, telling me how to dress, reduce him to a doormat like his ex did, according to what he told me.
I think I entered into it fairly secure but ended super anxious … these people are just like quick sand. The more you try to move the more you get stuck. Best to wake up before your head goes beneath the surface and have health issues. It takes time to unlearn what they conditioned in you so gradually
Alexis your videos are really different and great. Please don’t stop making them! You have a very unique perspective that no one else shares. 💛 can you do a video about how to bring up the idea of attachment work and gently bring up the idea of change and growth when they don’t know about attachment and don’t know it’s possible to reprogram attachment. Thank you
That's a nice topic, will work on it someday.
"Very" painful. Very sad they want to get close but just can't
This is the only video that has given me peace. I came in this secure and ready. My therapist also confirmed it today.
I left anxious preoccupied?😢
Everything became reactive abusive.
I know now to just let it go, he was just unable to do the work prior or during.
I feel at peace with his decision!❤
You are absolutely right!
I WAS 'secure' before I was with an avoidant person. Then I became a bit anxious (for a little while).
Now, after 2 break-ups in 6 yrs, that was their choice (and could not even justify it to themselves, let alone me), I think I may be verging on 'avoidant' myself; in that, I feel pretty emotionless about the relationship.
After the 2nd break-up it has now been 3 months back together. I am constantly questioning myself now if I want to be in this relationship. My partner IS being kind & caring towards me *at the moment*. I don't feel that I can be the same this time. Whenever I am kind and caring towards them, they leave.
Unfortunately that is the dynamic The approach and avoid push and pull. I went through that for many years with my avoidant husband. I myself an anxious avoidant. When I would get close he would pull away When he would get close I will pull away. Both of you have to do the work otherwise it's going to end. So sorry❤️🩹
@@jackiel7726 Sweetheart you are right!
I said 6yrs, but it has only been 6yrs recently.
It's actually been 40yrs 'on and off''.
We were apart for more than 27yrs.(Because I moved to another country) During that time we were 'friends'.
THEN, He put his arms around me and kissed me ''in that way'' .... I think I was probably his 'phantom ex' ;-)
The last 6 yrs have been either good or awful, there has been NO in-between.....I don't even want to live with him, let alone ask him to move to my country. BUT the last time he broke up with me was 2 days before our 40th aniverssary of 'first date' in the 80s..... BIG date, lotsa lovin, not neccsearily BIG effort, but yeah.... emotions? and THAT might have been the problem? .
(first break-up was during Covid.... soo....)
@@jackiel7726 I DID do the work. He thinks that he never does anything wrong and is totally blameless.
I did an online course about communicating with your partner. Did he?
I went to a psychotherapist for 4 months who said to me that I was the most confident, secure, happy and optimistic person she had ever met. Did he?
When things went to sh1t for me, i always used to say a few months later, ''well the silver lining on the cloud was......''. I think that actually irritated him! 😮
When I broke up a situationship with and avoidant after three years, he told me “I never loved you, anyway!”
I was told the same thing. She told me I love you at least three times a day and said she was so in love with me it ached. She was very anxious and fearful of being alone. Then one random day she told me she never wanted to see me again. Eventually she told me she never loved me when I tried to say hi to her several months later. We both were head over heels in love then we were nothing.
Avoidants can be very spiteful. It's their way of protecting themselves and creating distance
Extremely helpful and very well presented ! Thank you !❤
This video was super good🙏
I'm an avoidant, it just don't work...I need to go when needed.,I sometimes create a problem on purpose just to go or end a relationship.
Do you sometimes come back or not?
You are being honest here. 🙂 Are you honest with your partners when in a relationship? I find that my avoidant partner is not honest with himself, let alone me.... he just runs away for no reason other than that I love him.
Sad thing is, avoidants are into abusing a lot. They use the partners amap and then dump. They create great harm with it.
Alexis, thank you for this brilliantly gentle and informative video, covering such a bast area so well. One of your best!!😊
Actually, Alexis, don't 'avoidants' ALSO want to 'stay in their comfort zone'? MORE SO than anxious types and secure types?
Very true. The anxious are the ones to usually self reflect and do the work. DA usually dont’ even think they have a problem. They just don’t self reflect
@@FrankyboyFloyd I think that you are SPOT ON!
I did an online 'communicating with your partner' type of course.
I then saw a psychotherapist, for 4 months, who actually could not find anything 'wrong' with me (she actually thought that I was a secure, happy, optimistic person!)
And THEN he broke up with me - FB message 'I can't do this anymore' - 6 days before my birthday!
I did the work; he dumped me.
3yrs later ......only 2 days before a significant anniversary - at least it was on the phone this time 🙄- ''do you know what? You're dumped!''
And now he's back.......AGAIN!
THIS time... I hate myself for it.... I feel very little emotion.
I was secure.... then I became a bit anxious.... and now I feel that I am becoming avoidant myself!
@DjCheck-m6f How disrespectful! 🤬
I am not 'getting my ex back'. I am with him. I don't need to 'restore the relationship', rather he needs to learn how to keep one.
I have no illness. I was with this man before, 27yrs ago (I was married to someone else, hence the gap). HE has become very damaged since then, not me!
My psychotherapist told me as much.
I watch Alexis to help me try to understand my man, not for people to spit venom at me in comments.
THANK YOU!!🙏 For this wonderful helpful video. What makes me sad is That after so many years together he is going to go and try with someone new. Instead of going to therapy with me and working it out together.❤️🩹❤️
That must hurt badly. 😢 I’m so sorry.
@@LaurensLifePhotoJournal Yes Thank You 32 years I wasted.🫂🌹
🤗
40th anniversary of us knowing each other (6yrs together this time)...... ''you know what? You're dumped'' he said on the phone 2 days beforehand! He's back now.... 6 months later🙄 I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
I'm INFJ and married someone who completely lacks empathy or expresses emotions. He had an affair when we were trying for our second child and we both fell pregnant at the same time, he had 2 children with her before I found out about her. It crushes your soul the amount of betrayal. When he told me, he was mostly relieved from holding in the guilt but feared not seeing his kids, he wanted to stay but I couldn't do it and we split for 3 years. We tried again mostly for the kids and it was good for short while and then he just disconnected from all of us and we divorced after 10 years when the youngest finished school. He said he thought I'd never forgiven him. I wish we had counselling when tried again.