1 YEAR SOBER & I'M STRUGGLING (My Waves of Depression & Cravings to Drink Again)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 ต.ค. 2024
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I Noah Thomas, the creator of this channel, have been diagnosed hypogonadism by a medical doctor and legally prescribed the medically indicated treatment of Testosterone Replacement Therapy.
My Story
My name is Noah and on May 18 2011, I had a rare reaction to a medication called VIVITROL and consequently, spiraled into a suicidal depression with depersonalization and anxiety. I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks and was in full panic or near panic for 8 weeks straight mixed with the darkest most painful depression I cold have ever imagined. I immediately could not work and had to move in with my parents who, along with many siblings and friends, had to watch me 24/7 as I was a danger to myself. Eventually I was hospitalized in the Psych Ward for a week. Getting through each day seemed truly unbearable and I knew I would surely die. I have been put on many many different doctor prescribed SSRI's SNRI's Tricyclics, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, holistic meds, acupuncture and even a form of shock therapy called RTMS. I barely saw any improvement in my condition for a full year. It was decided I had treatment resistant depression and I spent nearly every moment in tears. Weeks after starting my newest round of medications (Seroquel & Nortryptaline) as a last ditch effort, I had my blood drawn for possible hormone imbalances and my Testosterone levels came back 200 ng/Dl and 150 ng/Dl. The average 25 year old male has 750 ng/Dl. With this discovery I had an explanation as to why I was not getting better and why I might be so so sick. The symptoms of Low T are very similar to those of major depression. I started legally prescribed testosterone replacement therapy soon after and have been checking in with the world and documenting my experience with treatment as well as giving my insight and perspective on various topics of mental health. I am blessed to say that I have slowly, over the last 6 years, been improving and becoming more stable which I never thought to be possible. My low T manifested itself in the form of Major depression, anxiety, and depersonalization/ derealization for over a year. Treating my low testosterone has been 1 HUGE part of the puzzle but I have had to continue to work hard to hold on to my mental stability with many set backs. Gaining some mental stability back is nothing short of a miracle as I was near death for what felt like forever. I do not consider myself to be totally healed yet but I am closer now then ever before and aim to use what I have been through to help or at least offer support to others in need I was able to successfully come off my Seroquel and Pamelor.
I work out all the time as a part of my mental health recovery!!! Weight training and all kinds of cardio rule much of my free time and I also share this on my channel.
Noah Thomas (bignoknow) is an affiliate of LetsGetChecked
In a society full of phony people I really appreciate your honesty.
One minute at a time. Sober twelve.years now and I know it is hard core work! But you can be and do anything! You're doing it !!🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thanks for the trigger warning. I hope you get past this. I’m not feeling strong enough to watch today but hopefully I can soon
Your comment gave me the inspiration to keep going.... If you can do it, I can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. Stay up, brother.
8 years sober myself... Hey man, you can do it. 👊💪
@@salam14111 Probably a few months off and on.. But the hangovers were so severe, that I just couldn't even force myself into a liquor store.. So I just quit, I tried a few AA meetings and it was a process of working out again, good diet and not surrounding myself with people that drink..
I just got done watching the whole video and I just wanted to say that these kind of videos are one of the many reasons I look up to you, and so many others look up to you. You are willing to share your inner world, your struggles, your victories, and your deepest thoughts and feelings that most of us burry. So thankful for you and this channel.
10 months sober went out drinking 3 weeks ago big mistake pure hell. Stick it out man my prayers at with u . Good luck from ireland
You are so brave! I’m praying for you and sending good energy your way! Hang in there and congratulations on being sober a year! That’s to be commended. Keep taking things one moment at a time, Noah.
I’ve watched you for so long. I’m not going to beg that you don’t drink. I suffer from alcoholism too. Everything you shared resonates with me.
No matter what happens, no matter what choice you make: we will be here for you. You’ve given so much and it’s time for us to be there for you.
Stay strong. We love ya, man.
Noah, I love your mind and the thoughts that come out. It's why I've been subbed for like a year and a half. You've had lows and ups and in betweens. It's life. I have an addiction as well but not to alcohol. It's amazing how much we listen to our MIND. Not believing you can live life without it. I've gone through times of sobriety myself but then have binged. I'm typing as you're talking.
When it comes down to it, this "vice" we have is self destructive but you feel so alive when you're doing it. I haven't quite found the thing to fill in that high. I also have mental issues so, God, do I understand you so well. I GET IT. There's so much going on in your head and you don't know what to do. You can't find the path back to normal. Or to "happy sobriety".
Noah, I'm here for you every step of the way. Every person has strengths where others are weak. This doesn't make you weak. You are obsessed with drinking again, you're terrified of what's on the other side. I would be too. A person's addiction to something is never good to go back into. There will be failures, and moments of I can do this (not give in). Speaking from my experience.. I don't know if there is a healthy, responsible way to do it. You'll want one, but then it's so easy to slide. So. Easy.
Thank you so much for this video.. It opened up my own eyes. I am weak in an area where you are strong and vice versa. You are strong with vocalizing yourself. You are strong with your health. A year of sobriety.. You bet your ass that's a feat, even if you do decide to drink again. I wish I could hug you, you need it and I do too ❤️
This made my eyes water
Noah, because your so brave to share this I will share with you,,, this video reminds me of a relationship I ended with a very “fun” but toxic AF dude! I ended it when I got sober last July/August. Went back to him a couple times here and there. It has been 4 months since I saw his punk ass and I have been feeling like I wanted to see him and just get my “fix” not sure if these feelings manifested him to cross my path the other day. I saw him on a running trail and I he said “hi” I walked by him so desperately wanting to engage in conversation but something stronger than my desire for him sent a surge of strength and power to my entire being and I ran like hell in the opposite direction from him. I “played the tape” my friend. That was a tool I borrowed from you. I have never been able to run away from him so fast like that. His actions following made me fully understand it was the right thing for me to do. I know the burning desire for something. I can relate. Would it help to tell you the immense power and respect I had for myself the next day for not choosing to pick his raggedy ass up and invite that toxic shit back in? Staying true to my self was a better high or drunk night ever!
It’s cuz the sex was good huh?
Those are just random thoughts/feelings bro. Don’t give them so much attention. They’re not you. Revisit your video on thoughts mean nothing 😉
Thoughts become things .
BIG T thoughts never become things. Thoughts mean nothing (they never have). Only you can make a thought important or not.
Joe Smith lol his sobriety began with a thought . You manifest things in your life through thoughts. You are what you think . Right now he is a fighter and even though he thinks he is weak he has actually decided to fight his yearn for booze or he would of drank by now .
Joe Smith they are him , he is thinking that way for a reason he just not interpreting them correctly. It’s not about alcohol it’s about he starting to feel like life is boring and is this all it is and from past experience he knows an easy way to get excitement is through drink but that’s just one of many ways to spice up his life . He needs to stop being so rigid and be more spontaneous create a bit of chaos if that’s what he is after create different challenges and goals so he keeps getting a sense of accomplishment.
An alcoholic thinks not like a normal person. once you think that you are going the drink, you normaly going to drink. Thats the brain of an alcoholic..
I've got 15 months right now. No desire/obsession. It was lifted. I followed the advise of those in AA with long term sobriety, worked the steps and turned my life and will over to my higher power. If your sponsor is not stressing working the steps honestly and to the absolute best of your ability, you may want to get a new sponsor and start from scratch to get yourself a spiritual awakening. As far a boredom goes, start working with others... do things for others expecting nothing in return. Call some people in the program and ask them what you can do to help them. It's actually quite rewarding and might take you out of yourself. Good luck, man. Go for that higher power. That's the one thing I always seem to see you missing in your videos.
Hi Noah! I just subscribed to your channel today. One of my subscribers recommended you to me. I am struggling with a different addiction, food as well as depression and anxiety. Your video has helped me and encouraged me to keep fighting on!! Sending many prayers your way!!
Your honesty is much needed in this world. I wish everyone was as honest as you are in this video.
Noah please stay strong. You have done so well, and I am in awe of the transformation you have made since I originally started watching your videos years ago. The grass is always greener Noah but sometimes when you get to the other side, it's not as great as your mind imagined it would be.
Do not take back your will brother. Talk to your higher power and stay strong. We love you no matter what. 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾
Full disclosure, not a physical addict (have no addictive process habits e.g. drugs, alcohol, workaholism (used to be) etc) but I do suffer from significant dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation (almost constantly), it's how I found your channel. My numbing process is media with occasional overeating bouts, and it's an extreme uphill battle everyday. I believe all of my issues stem from extreme childhood neglect and trauma and subsequent traumas and relationship difficulties which resulted from that.
I've seen a significant amount of your content and I've always been touched by your sincerity and openness which has helped me a lot in some dark times. At the risk of offering advice instead of support and I have very little experience with recovering alcoholics (my father is one, no signs he will ever recover), as well as potentially suggesting what you are already doing this though I don't hear it in this video, I want to tentatively put out there that perhaps you need more intensive psychotherapy.
I've been to ACA meetings which are based on AA meetings and met lots of people from those communities and whilst I can see they serve a wonderful purpose, I see they are incomplete (nothing wrong with that, only sometimes they present themselves as the one and only way). They also tend to make a massive point of personal responsibility (which is great for life skills and in general) to the point of neglecting the responsibilities or failings of others and that impact on you. This can be appropriate sometimes (prevents people using other's actions as excuses) but can also divorce us from fully experiencing mutual and fair relationships sometimes which makes me uncomfortable.
That itch, you saying you're bored... I don't know you, I can't say for sure, but I don't hear boredom. I hear pain and nnxiety bordering on fear, deep rooted to the point of not being able to look those feelings square on and to consciously notice. I hear some of the despair I feel when I'm doing all the practises I do (meditation, yoga, running, gardening) and I'm still left feeling empty/hurt/pain and not seeing an end to it, not seeing the point and wanting to just dissolve.
I'm sorry if I'm reading this wrong, but if I were in your position and my perceptions are right, I feel it would help me to hear it reflected back at me. Only you can know if I've hit on anything meaningful.
The greatest relief I've experienced has come with going real deep and dealing with the root causes of my pains as much as possible (an ongoing and extremely difficult process) which my weekly therapist helps me with. I use a system known as parts work or IFS which has helped immensely after all the mindfulness work I've done. It requires a lot of self-love and tender care for our inner wounds, whatever those may be. It's still a struggle but I'm finally being able to do more for myself and I feel less desire and draw to my numbing processes. It feels less of building habits to prevent the dam from breaking but more of releasing the water from the dam before it can burst. I feel more natural relaxation.
Now this might work for me because of the nature of my mental health issues, and I've seen you're drinking story but I've never got the sense of why you started and the way you did. I got the sense you were incredibly anxious and wanted a way to control it, but I never got a sense of the source of that anxiety. My instinct would be to spend time really getting to understand it as much as possible, from the root to the tip, physically, contextually, historically, underlying beliefs etc.
You may not have experienced significant trauma, in which case I'm probably blowing hot air, but many people are surprised to come to understand that even with a perception of having had a happy childhood and having a loving family you may have be traumatised, even if the people who did it meant well and are good people. You may well have already examined this properly, in which case ignore this, but if not, I really would encourage you to look. It can be heartbreaking, but it can also be freeing, opening up lots of new ways of being and relating to yourself and others.
Whatever the answer is or isn't, I wish you well and I hope you find the peace you need. I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for the times you've helped me through your content and presence here on YT.
It's so easy to record these videos when I am doing and saying the "right things" that I know most people will agree with and praise me for and it's equally hard to admit things on camera that I know will be criticized and that will make me look bad. I like being liked and I like the approval of others and sometimes it's to my detriment. That being said, I can't look myself in the mirror with any respect if I don't admit what's actually going on aside from what I think "should" be going on. I might wake up tomorrow and be singing the same tune I've been singing for most of this past year for today my brain is elsewhere...
It happens M8. You are only human. Take it one day at a time... Get some distance between self help activities and get other thoughts coming in....
Luv your videos.
All the best from Ireland
I'm 41 and have struggled with alcohol since I was 16. Ive had short periods of sobriety over the years. 6 months being the longest. I've been to outpatient and inpatient treatment centers multiple times. I appreciate your honesty about how you're feeling. Your vids have helped me tremendously. Don't give into temptation brother! That's just Satan telling you that it's okay for you to drink and that is a lie. He is the father of lies! I hope you stay strong brother!
Your subscribers love you regardless man. You are as real as it gets. We all have fought and are fighting this fight with you. Do not give in Noah. Do not give in.
Great video.
This is the real shit.
This is what powerlessness looks like.
My thoughts and love are with you, Noah. You’re not alone. Take care. All will be well.
This isn’t upsetting. This is an incredible moment. This is the real shit we go all through and never talk about. THANK YOU for your bravery and for sharing the deepest part of you.
It's hard to see you struggling so bad with this Noah. I'm sorry that this is the way it is for you. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this. I totally relate to the part about trying not to over share or people will care too much. They start to change how they act around you, and it could make you feel worse about the situation.
I will always be here, rooting for you. Be gentle. Try to stay strong. I know it's not always easy. ❤
Hey noah your videos get me through depression and deal with my alcoholism.. thr longest streak of being sober was 2 weeks and its been like 7 years. Im slowly trying to quit. Dont let the pressure get to you brother. Its just another rough day man things will get better love ya brother
Thank you deeply, for being so real, and showing TH-cam what it means to be a real human, and not putting up a facade when things are hard for you. I think you are amazing and you were one of my inspirations for going sober. But I know exactly how you feel. I used to party a lot, get really drunk, have promiscuous sex, and I'm not a good drunk. I know this about myself, but there are times when I miss partying and having a crazy colourful social life. But I don't miss the hangovers and I don't miss the feelings of regret. Nobody is strong all of the time. You are allowing yourself to be seen in your glory and your suffering, and that is a beautiful thing
Nothing is lost, only changed Friend. Pivot on these feelings and you’ll get through it like you have done in the past. You. Got. This. This. Time.
Profound comment!
I have just discovered your channel along with your father's... Please stay strong you really are an inspiration ! I suffer from depression and i know what it feels like to have those heavy waves. YOU CAN DO THIS. I believe in you !! Much love your way
Hey Noah. I am Clara and I live in France. I am watching your videos for a long time. You really really help me to get through dp/dr and anxiety. You helped me staying alive during very dark times.
As watching your last video I am telling myself : wow, this man is incredibly strong. Even more in this video, because you are so sincere. You have the ability to put words on feelings, and feelings on Messy thoughts. I truly believe in you. Don’t Forget that what you are experiencing is part of recovery. You can get through this and you are not alone. Sending you a lot of light and positivity. That is my first comment on your channel and i am grateful to be able to thank you for everything.
Thank you for this vid. I feel like I’m so much like you. Unfortunately I gave in. You CAN’T drink in a controllable way. We can’t. I drink in the morning, afternoon and night. I lost my family - not for drinking. The drinking came because I lost them and I gave in to it. It’s like an evil goddess. Yes, drinking will make you feel good, but it will become your God. Please don’t even consider having a drink because you fu.. things up for awhile. I think you’re great and I’ll always understand you
WE LOVE YOU NOAH!!!
Hmm you know what you said strongly related to what clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson says. According to him you need to have some chaos in your life, too much order can have an adverse effect. I would consider doing something challenging and chaotic other than drinking maybe go backpacking alone somewhere or camping or like start a new business just somehow get a healthy amount of chaos in your life
Maybe your right . Ser delta.. my life is always chaotic in d past . But im normal and dont have anxiety dis.. but when my life gets into place and organixe.... i got deppression and anxiety insomnia..... sorry with my english.... now im trying a busy and chaotic life. And slowly im getting normal again.
Can relate to this so much and keep strong and doing you! Find so much inspiration here for my channel and videos! Keep doing you!
Have the same struggle. I have OCD, Depression and psychotic episodes which leads to the idea of abusing drugs. But whenever I feel like that I talk to someone immediately
I can hear you man. It's a roller coaster. You have been 1 year sober, that's a milestone. I know it can be very boring, I am the same way, but I can't stay 2 weeks sober. I feel very lonely. Drinking help me connect with people, feel not alone. But when the buzz it goes away it's horrible. Man I feel you. Don't know what to say. I sometimes want to disappear from the world, because of so much overthinking. But we gotta stay "positive".
Very lonely....that rings a bell....its something that seems to be in your very core, in your actual bones.
Anthony Mccrindle yes. Not fun.
keep going strong Noah! You are doing so well. We are in this together, I have 17 Days sober. From Jim in Queensland.
"I do miss drinking, I just don't miss overdrinking". Very profound! Thank-you. I'm not good with words but this video really connected with what I'm going through. Thank you for having the courage to post it!
I just landed on your channel. This is the first video of yours I have seen. I wish you the best life you can live. Life is hard. I struggle with GAD and Major Depression disorder. I understand how the mind works in ways you don’t want it to. Noah, don’t hate yourself. Love yourself! You seem like such a great guy, and a leader. I wish you the best in recovery. Best wishes my friend. 😀
Here's where the rubber meets the road, brother. Any feelings you suppressed with drinking or that were suppressed while drinking, you now have to face down. This is why you're out of whack. Mind is facing more than it can handle, due to the weakening of the muscle of thought. Bad trade off of drinking. Now, you'll build up your thought and mind muscles. I'm currently doing this too. You have great discipline for working out the body, just apply that to the mind and emotions and face what comes. I believe in and will be praying to God for you 💪
I feel the same! I’m 1 year and 6 months sober and I’m really struggling. Thank you for being so honest, it really helps to listen to someone who understands. I wish you all the best.
stay strong you can do it, don't sedate yourself feel what your feeling. making a feelings list helps for me good luck.
Noah... So proud of you man. So inspiring and I pray to God you'll stay strong and don't worry about people judging you either way. You're an amazing dude... We are here for you man.
Today is my one year, and you're the first video I've seen that sounds like my head. I'm sober for fear of letting people down only right now. And like you, last week I was golden. This anniversary sucks.
Hey man just randomly across your channel. I myself thought high school was about partying and fitting in. Along with pot porn and alcohol I managed to completely run my life into the ground. I have been in a program that takes a cognitive behavioral approach go deal with my issues. It encompasses all aspects of life. It has done a lot for me. Look into it. One of the things I have had to understand is that I can't completely beat my demons they will never go away. They will always be there imo. Realizing that for me helped me immensely.
I believe in you. Thank you for sharing.
Remember; one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle
Friend, return, even if you've broke your vows one thousand times before!
NOAH, GOD I LOVE YOU. Over and over for your openness, and now your going toward this edge, with all the richness that is your wonderful life and here you are looking back. Almost being sentimentally fond of the train wreck that was hell on earth, that monster. Your depressed, the boredom is a sign. At peace..........no excitement. FUCK............OPEN BEER IN HAND. WANT IT ALL. BUTTTTTTT ......I know deep in my heart you’ll stay sober, I just do. Its different this time, layer upon layer. For one your age. Two your support system is powerfully strong. Three your self love is deeper then you think. Four, pride won’t let you fall down. Then there are ton more reasons why I believe in you. If you can have sober, so can I or the next guy. Hold on, just a little bit further and you’ve got the prize. It’s an AHAD thing, staying focused. Stay focused. 💜
Cravings go away when depression goes away? Solve depression solve cravings? Alsos, what does your brain crave about that chaos? Can you find a healthy substitute? Once in a while I need to hop on my motorcycle and do wheelies at 40 mph passing cars left and right, to keep me even, to fulfill my desire to feel alive! So what can you substitute drinking with to feel alive/chaos? (Adrenaline inducing activities r best?) Start dirt biking? Boxing? Learn to use a butterfly knife? (search em up they cool!) Mountain biking? White water kayaking? (Not trying to tell ya what to do, just offering some ideas that might help 🤷🏼♂️)
Awesome advice!!
“I’m so very human it hurts” wowza, that’s so real and so true. You and I are so incredibly similar in all of our chaotic dysfunction it’s hard to believe. Thank you so much for making these videos and for being so raw and honest 💙
Stay strong! You are not alone in feeling this way. I don't want to be different either and I am trying to accept that fact. I truly pray these feelings pass for you. I keep recalling the last time I fell off the wagon...I was arrested in one week's time for public drunkenness..it hit me hard - I always seem to fall going back. Stay the course and fight!
What you are experiencing is absolutely normal. You haven’t drink and that is amazing! Much to be proud of my friend. The cravings again will pass with time. Hang in there and I really appreciate your honesty.
Hey man,
Only watched a few videos but I'm rite there with you. Knowing all the f*cked up stuff drinking has done to us and we STILL WANT- it is a sickness and a life long battle. If you ever stumble.... get back up. We all fail- stay strong brother. And thank you for exposing yourself to help others... that is huge-
We will be always supporting you, Noah! You are such an inspiration for so many people here. God bless your soul and your fight, man. Anyone never will know what is to face the battle you are in. All the best energy to you, man.
Treading fire one day at a time - Douglas Bloch
Remember the darkness and how it felt . You don’t wanna go back to that brother . Love you man stay strong!
Don’t do it man. Remember what’s happened every time before.
No matter what you decide to do, you’ll still be a positive influence in my life. I came to your channel looking for an uplifting message, but I think instead I’m here to encourage you. My addiction is food, not alcohol. I so desperately wanted to keep eating today after I ate enough food but I didn’t. No, it wasn’t for the right reason, but I still abstained. I’m losing hope lately too, and sometimes it feels like I’ve already given into not only my food addiction, but the other stuff too. But I haven’t yet. I’m still doing my journaling, meditation, and working out. I’m not making big strides but I’m still fighting it, even if it’s not with the same vigor and enthusiasm that I once had. I’m hurting, but I’m not done for. I’m behind, but I’m not doomed. I can’t relate to the exact feeling of being bored with clean living, so I don’t think that I can necessarily speak to that, but I figured maybe the wisdom that I do have, the wisdom that is partially existent because you’re in my life, might be able to help a bit. Thank you for being there for me and so many other people. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. My heart wants nothing more in this moment than for you to be safe.
Be kind to yourself.
Times where things are in the shitter and you’ve dealt with them well are typically the times you look back on and say wow that was a major turning point for me.
How resilient to you think that you’ll be if instead of being strong enough to recover after giving in, you’re strong enough to just got give in at all, and that period of boredom passes?
Always cheering you on for your victories little or big.
I know that difficult feeling of being free from those cravings but it not being logistic within the moment of itself when you’re trying to stop.
I wasn’t necessarily an alcoholic but I felt I was on the verge of it from my genetics and was going out by myself drinking by myself at the bar and having a few strong drinks and wait an hour then leave. I also understand the “bored” wave splash. I’ve been trying to stop being dependent on smoking weed so I can focus better on my job and not lose it if drug tested even with it closely being toward legality. I want to live a clear life as well and it isn’t the easiest journey to walk down.
Wow, I’m so happy I came across your channel. Can relate to many things you said. Hope you can get through this rough patch brother
I have 1.5 years man. The most profound insights I’ve had have been in these past couple of months. Stay strong
Your honesty is amazing Mann! Be patient stay still bro find stuff to keep you busy find friends at church you can hangout with take all your honest thoughts before God Take hold of your life you can do this!
You understand things will get so much worse if you do.......no matter what you do, don't drink. Go on an exotic trip, heavily meditate, do acupuncture, wim hof method, treat yourself to something new, etc. Destroy your boredom with something off the beaten path. I've struggled with the same exact type of things you've dealt with and these are the kinds of things that helped me. But we both know, you don't want to go down that road again brother. Stay strong.
Drinking has caused pancreatitis at a very young age for me, started socially drinking about 2 months from turning 21.. by 23 i was in the hospital with acute pancreatitis (incredibly painful) - at 26 i now have chronic pancreatitis & just recently had surgery for it, i don’t struggle with alcohol because i know the outcome.. but i have been put in a place where i cannot live a normal life without using painkillers. Hopefully this surgery helps me to remove that need for opioids... anyway, I’m laying here in quite a bit of pain I’ve been off the pills for a couple days so idk if i was just typing all this shit to distract myself or what... but you remind me a lot of myself, thanks for the content buddy, congrats on your 1+ year of sobriety, stay strong!
That’s awful... so incredibly sorry. So scary.
I appreciate the real talk .. the struggle is real, some of use battle every day .. but I love our recovery community
Don't have any advice just sending you lots of support its so hard you have done amazingly well. Thank you for your channel and honesty it helps understanding my own patterns. I pray you get over this bump in the road.
Addiction is a dis-ease which will never leave us completely. I'm also getting close to a full year of sobriety, and I can see those drinking thoughts rising in me too. For me the self pity and depression also creep up and try to talk me into drinking. I
Oh I'm isolating again? Great, now we can drink. The dis-ease never reminds us of the bad effects of drinking. It only reminds us of the nice times. Hope you stay sober brother. It would a pity to see you relapse. It's not a glorious moment, it's a relapse.
Keep going Noah. You are an amazing person, I don't know how to explain how much you inspire people to go on. thank you❤️
I think crazy thoughts so much as well and I constantly have to tell myself ALL IS WELL. I am grateful for your honesty, I feel less alone in my own crazy thoughts because of you
Alcohol can be a coping mechanism for a lot of us, mainly to cope with negativity we picked up in childhood, negative self images and so forth, once we get to the root of the problem and deal with that pain, the alcohol doesn't have the same appeal anymore.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, I admit that BUT it sure as F makes the time go quicker.
I certainly hope that you can get a handle on your life. I have watched your past videos, in particular the TRT advice videos. Your thoughts and life seem to be all over the place. Stay sober. Stay sober. Don't get into that self medicating mindset. I wish you the best in your quest to find yourself.
Change your surroundings! Go deep into the desert without alcohol. Go on a sobriety cruise on a boat. Climb a very high mountain. Change your perspective and your surroundings. Then from that safe space, look at why you were about to fail and fix that. I know a guy that has to live in a van and travel constantly to stay sober. The change of surroundings works.
Vintage Life, very good suggestions
I also recommend not taking hormone injections. Tapering off them slowly though.
Must I say you are a very brave man. I d love to start my own channel and describe my feelings day to day and I too can let others know they are not alone and I too can receive advice from my viewers. But I have not mustered the courage yet. Thank you for being here for us who need such videos to help us get through our days.
Noah, Thank you for being open, and concerned first, with your viewers. This channel gives me hope daily. Ive written some things down where I can see them when I get low ,and it helps my thought process.I know you say your bored, but do you think people like to drink because they have lost something?."Just Survive, and follow a daily plan."
Noah,
I can sense your pain and struggle. As you know, we often think catastrophically about the future if we are to make certain decisions, but that doesn’t always mean it’s the truth. I think it makes total sense about your cravings to drink because you’re in a place where it reminds you of when you drank before (your one year anniversary). They always say two steps forward, one step back. I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Being sober for even a week, let alone a year, is extremely difficult. Don’t discount all the progress you’ve made if you are to drink again. As you said in your video, you are “unrecognizable” to yourself. You are an inspiration to so many.
Have you ever wondered if you have any anxiety/trauma lingering around just the fact of that you have relapsed around a year in the past? Thus, it’s just a “trick” you are playing on yourself? Just a thought that I hope lands the way I mean it to. You’re the man Noah. You got this. You are one serious inspiration.
You'll make it man! You're so strong! You inspire so many!
I love how you are honest and so relateable. I struggle with depression and addictions. You have put into words what I'm thinking but don't really know how to articulate it. Thank you.
You are so amazing! So real! So inspiring! I only hope the best for you & jesse.
I feel your pain. I'm 35. Been struggling with heavy daily boozing from my early twenties. About 2 years ago I tried to stop. Did about 4 months sober. Started again. Within 3 months was so bad again. Stopped for 9 months. Felt exactly like you. Gave in and been drinking for 2 months now. Trying to kick it now again. One sober day down.
You mention spirituality. I'm Catholic and the only thing that allows me to stop is God's grace. Yet I still have free will and I choose to give in. It's the Devil bro. He works on you and works on you until you fall. Keep praying and fighting the good fight. God love you.
I'm healthier than I have ever been now. Workout, eat healthy, have balanced my hormones but I just can't completely stop drinking, it's my final nemesis. I usually drink every 4 days or at least one binge a week. These videos really help and I can relate to them alot, thank you. We are all a work in progress. Your openess is admiral mate.
I feel your struggle. You are worthy. It was good to hear you talk. I hope it felt good for you to speak to us. Love ya Noah.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I respect your struggle. I wish I had some inspirational word's. We all know no matter how well meaning other's are there is only yourself to answer to. However please don't leave your parent's and close friend's in constant anxiety by pushing them away. It really sucks to live moment to moment when someone dear to you is on the verge of relapse. That infinite fear waiting for the call that you've relapsed. Possibly a group text I'm okay before bed. Just trust in thier love for you. You are worthy of such love.
please stay strong mate!!! i can relate! you speak the absolute truth. thank you for sharing. i will try again tomorrow... wish me luck.
I am glad I found this today. I am coming up on 11 months. There are so many things going on in my life that are triggers and all I want to do is get lost in a bottle. But I won't today. I know that. I have been slacking on self care , eating garbage and sitting in self pity. While I listened to you I put my supplements together. It's been a long time since I took those. I want to be sober and I want to drink... thanks again for posting.
ive been there before but going back down that path will only bring more pain. Stay strong brother. You got this
I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you, in a way that reciprocates the value of this video. I won't go into detail, but I will say that I can relate to so much of what you've said here. Hopefully saying it has helped you in some way. Your transparency and willingness to be vulnerable and brutally honest has helped me to feel less alone! Sending you good vibes, Noah.
I’m shaking my head BUT. You deserve a treat. And if a glass of wine is that treat then so be it. But for you it seems like your not going to be able to drink and continue the path your in honestly. Don’t be board. You have come such a long way. But you can always go further!! Don’t give up. Don’t have the drink. Be the man you know you are. If I had to guess you Will not take the drink. I look forward to hit honesty in this situation.
I feel travelling and helping others in need will help you greatly (syria,iraq,africa).You are fortunate enough to have a great life and helping the needful will give you a purpose
Hi Noah my virtual friend and unofficial mentor across the pond (along with Douglas Bloch) :-)
I've never (and hopefully never will) been an alcoholic so I can't fully understand what it must be like for you. I do know a couple of recovering alcoholics though and the key word there is 'recovering'. It's always an ongoing process, just like recovering from and / or dealing with mental health issues. I just had a moderate Depressive relapse recently that lasted a month and it had been 2 years almost to the month since my last one. Anyway, not to go off topic too much there so I'll just say that although I personally have never struggled with alcohol, you may or may not remember from my past ramblings on your videos that I most certainly DID struggle nonetheless with drug addiction.
Of course, alcohol as we all know IS a drug but my thing was always stimulants, particularly speed. I hammered that to the point of daily use for years. And I can tell you unequivocally that having stopped all that stuff several years plus back, I STILL get the occasional cravings. So a lot of what you said about trying to rationalize your drinking if you started again etc really resonated with me, but in my case, drugs. Fortunately, I am no longer in an area where I know people who could get that for me even if I went back down that slippery slope. I'm also now a personal carer full time for my dad so it would never happen just on that front. But I sometimes wonder (as I overly ruminate a lot, just like you) what happens if and when I find myself on my own as I have no partner or close friends up here - Will I let that monkey clamber on my back again?
I really hope that the answer is a resounding "FUCK, NO!!" because I know the inevitable consequences, especially physically and mentally, what that would do to me if I ever started again.
I'm not sure if I'm being helpful here but I just wanted to say that your continued transparency and genuine willingness to share and help people going through similar shit on here is just one of the reasons why you are so beloved, by me especially. You and Douglas Bloch continue to be my 'superheroes' as wonderfully flawed and infallible as we all are as human beings. One of your videos still resonates with me a lot to this day and it is where you simply state that thoughts are just that - THOUGHTS. They cannot do you any tangible harm in and of themselves and it's our actions that do that. We can't stop from having them and the more we try to resist or fight them, the more they tend to intensify.
So each day, one minute, one hour at a time, we just need to be strong and do whatever we need to do and to rely on whatever resources and support we can get to help galvanize our resolve and push forward.
Did any of this help? :-D
Love you, big guy, always have, always will, no matter what
Thanks for being honest Noah. We all love you so much. Please stay strong.
I admire your honesty I’m just over a year now and feel the same in many ways... just found your channel today and you have helped me in 2 videos I can feel a binge watch coming on strong 💪
These words are the ones of why I am scared to stop drinking. You are exactly like me to the T. Maybe one day I will put the drink down.
Well said... just had my first one year sober after drinking for 30 years....
I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME TODAY
hey Noah: still hangin in there with you. Thanks as always for sharing these very familiar thoughts with us. I am right in that same boat with you and you continue to have my support: I encourage you to stay strong...keep reaching out and keep sharing...there really is a light at the end of this tunnel but even as we stumble along the way we can just pull each other up and keep on truckin okay??? Blessings my friend
Anniversaries have their own power, even if we don't feed into them or aren't aware of them. That power needs to be respected and acknowledged. You've identified that variety is important, so incorporate it into your coping mechanisms. I'm the same way, so I plan for some healthy chaos. Listen to some lectures on how addiction works, so you can appreciate the biochemistry behind it. I was listening to a podcast on a missing person earlier today and that person had alcohol dependency issues; the podcast brought in an interview with a doctor who shifted from internal medicine to dependency issues, and listening to them speak on alcohol dependency was eye opening. Praying for your highest and best good, brother.
The chaos you experience when you drink leads to guilt and it is that guilt that leads to structure in your life. All of those things are part of the inter-related feedback loop that can't stay in one place to long. You might need to restart the sequence by drinking again. As you said just prepare a safe environment to do it in. And do fell bad about drinking one time or several times in a year. It's better than most people.
Everything in this video is exactly how i feel and once i get bored I start to feel like i dont wanna live and so I stop doing everything and i just sleep all day waiting for the end or the day I can get high because I currently cant really do it because last time i was homless so dont wanna be again but also the hardest part of being sober is when im not doing anything and have to sit with myself its like i get high when I do stuff or stuff with people but once its over its like i come down from it because I wanna keep going doing all the time
Such a great video how human and honest you are I only came across ur channel few days ago and i love ur videos there very helpful
Sober almost 8 months... cheering for you man!!!! We can do it!!
Awesome!!! Thanks brother.
You try to be so strong and hold on for so long.. the torment of giving in is stronger then actually doing it... it happens with me with binge eating. I think about binge eating but the compulsion to do it is much stronger then actually doing it. It’s not drinking that you love as much as not having to hold on to so much. Everyday you hold on and it’s so stressful I know how you feel I feel that way too.
Hey mate your a brave guy and helping so many people! Stay strong mate
Just keep being honest and don't worry about your outside image or brand. Your brand is honesty and humanity and humanity isn't perfect.
*TRIGGER WARNING COMMENT* LOVE YOU NOAH, I'll be here no matter what. You're HUMAN, I accept and love you for that.
I fell off the wagon myself for my birthday this month... I feel like crap. It sucks. It's GREAT while I'm drinking, but the days that come in the morning, NOT SO GREAT. I'm smoking again and just "tried" to smoke my last cigarette again yesterday. I have enablers all over the place, that doesn't help at all! I love my "smoking buddies" but they all are like "want a smoke?" and I automatically say "SURE!" then get mad at myself when I wake up with a sore throat the next morning (along with the aforementioned slight hangover)
I've NEVER gotten to the point where I need a drink in the morning, but I DO get the "shakes" in the afternoon if I'm not paying attention to my intake. The place I go to for swill is so used to me coming in there, that they didn't have what I wanted in stock, so gave be a huge bottle instead at a discount... I only wanted a SMALL one to ween off for the weekend! I'm finishing the last of it tonight... then starting over again) My brain said "It's your higher power telling you not to stop drinking!!" UGH... SO NOT TRUE! My brain LOVES to lie to me to get what it wants!
Wow, I'm not the only one who feels "bored" being sober? I didn't think that I would hear that from anyone... *HUGS TO YOU NOAH* I love doing my TH-cam videos and such, reading before bed, getting up early and having energy for the day, but it felt monotonous to me after a while with out a little "WHEEEEEE!!!!" once in a while... I would call them "reset days" where I would take a natural remedy or herb and then the next night have a drink or two, then felt good for the rest of the month.
Fast forward to Cymbalta/Duloxetine days, ALCOHOL HERE I COME!! I was lying to friends to get alcohol, I got ashamed of myself for manipulating my friends just to get me more, it was AWFUL. I told my support worker, got referred to get an alcohol abuse assessment. They all said it only stays on my record for a year, BUT, because I'm trying to get disability, they are holding it over my head and saying I can't get disability if I even touch a DROP of alcohol, but once I stopped the Cymbalta, I went back to having no issues with feeling like an alcohol "addict." I can go weeks without a drink and it doesn't bother me. I have no clue what's going on in my brain, but I hate it. I hate that the antidepressant medications screwed me up even further than I was before, and none of the people I have for disability representation would take that into account. I'm stuck in limbo.
*HUGS TO YOU NOAH* for sharing your story, thank you for being candid and genuine about your feelings, it really does help us out here! :)
You can have all you want. We are amazing people!
Huges from Costa Rica