THIS Is How A Secure Person Reacts to Being Breadcrumbed in Relationships
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 พ.ค. 2024
- 14 Day FREE TRIAL: Get the Breakthrough You Need to Better Your Mental Health and Strengthen Your Relationships:
bit.ly/mha-month-youtube
👇Embark on a journey of healing and transformation after a breakup or any loss with the "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief" course - Discover the keys to overcoming pain, apply post-traumatic growth principles, and reprogram your subconscious for lasting peace. Enroll now to begin your path to emotional recovery and renewal.👇
university.personaldevelopmen...
In today's video, Thais Gibson shares how the securely attached person reacts to being breadcrumbed in relationships. Watch now to learn about non-negotiables, standards and the importance of addressing red flags as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
---
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:47 - What Is Breadcrumbing
00:01:20 - 14 day Free Trial
00:01:56 - Non-Negotiables and Standards
00:02:53 - Address Red Flags
00:04:44 - Will Communicate and Call Out Breadcrumbing
00:07:00 - Vet for Change
00:08:34 - Conclusion
---
Discover What Your Attachment Style is and How It Could Be Holding Your Relationships Back … Take Quiz Here 👉bit.ly/attachment-quiz-youtube
Follow Us for Daily Relationship Insights and Breakthroughs on Our Social Channels!
Instagram - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Facebook - / thepersonaldevelopment...
TikTok - / thaisgibson
LinkedIn - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
---
Subscribe to Our TH-cam Channel for Your Daily Dose of Personal Growth and Relationship Transformations!
/ @thepersonaldevelopmen...
Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our TH-cam videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
So what are you waiting for? This could be the start of your personal development journey. Subscribe to our channel and start watching!
#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #SecureAttachment #SecureAttachmentStyle #Breadcrumbing #WhatIsBreadcrumbing #BreadCrumbingExamples
This is how it works; you meet a guy, go on a date and he says he will call you. He calls 2 months later and you tell him you are no longer interested bc he didn’t do what he said he would do.
After not hearing for several months from a male I was seeing casually for a few years, he tried to make a date, and I replied that it appeared both of us had better things going on, and that I was 100% certain I would not be seeing him again. He though that I would be waiting and waiting haha 🤣
Male or female, it doesn't matter, never accept anyone that treats you in such a way, the trend in modern morals (if they can be called that) are nothing short of damaging and sad!!!
@@susanjones8489He probably didn't think you would be waiting and waiting, he just didn't think about you at all until he had nothing else going on. Hence why they tend to put out feelers to any ex contacts to see who bites.
No, you say... who's this?!
@@rickimcfarland2269 haha even better!
Hi family. Always remember "The moment you settle for less than you are worth, you get even less than you bargained for."
That sounds like covert narcissism... sorry
It does
This!!!
@@blackopal3138sorry, but not being willing to settle does not a narcissist make!
@@nuthinbutlove lol, no, but then that's not what it says. Rewriting facts to make one's mistakes disappear, or one's narrative fit better, however, now that's on the list I believe. And you related so strongly to the quote..... guess what?
The point is, if you have to address this issue, your counterpart is probably not mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. Let them do what they want to do, so you see what they prioritize, and choose someone who makes you a priority without needing reminders.
💯
I think you are right. It's a maturity thing. I look good for my age and attract people in their late 30's or early 40's. You would be surprised how many of them are still playing highschool games. I don't have time or energy for that.
SIMPLE!
This. I've learned, if I have to bring up certain things, it's because the other person won't. Either they're too afraid or avoidant or whatever, but it's not the type of relationship I want, so it's best to just move on.
This is a great idea.
I’m really proud of myself as I’m anxious attached person. Recently met an avoidant it was all great for a while then bread crumbing started I addressed it, he ghosted and I did not reach out again. In the past I would have started people pleasing so I guess I’m healing.
Avoidant ghosting is the worst for those of us with anxious attachment.
@@st6576 yeah I won’t lie it made my anxiety sky high I was triggered but instead of my usual behaviours I just tried to meditate. Before him I was seeing a guy and he said I’m really busy with work, I’m having problems with ex and I was totally. Ghosting is an awful behaviour.
@@st6576 I mean I was totally fine all it takes is an explanation. Even if it’s lies you feel seen. I won’t ever ever ghost another person in any capacity.
This internet stranger is proud of you!
❤ 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Forcing someone to talk to you is a waste of time. If a guy wants you he will make sure he is seeing you and talking to you.
Yeah I am not sure Id give a breadcrumber a second chance. If he is a narcissist, he will just start love bombing and then you are in trouble, if you don't have your wits about you.
🎯
But I get curious and purposely bug someone until they actually grow a pair and speak up. 😂
I don’t know though. Sometimes people don’t realize they aren’t giving you what you need - especially with men. They might not always be the best communicators or may have something going on within themselves that they are struggling with so calling out the situation gently can help the other person recalibrate too (if that is what is in their heart to want to do!).
Yes very true.
If he never initiates any conversation and it's always you who have to it is clear he is not interested in you romantically .
He might not say it to your face but that is just avoiding you it's clear.
Friends also do breadcrumbing. I’ve just stopped chasing people and responding to texts right away to breadcrumbers.
Very true- all the “relationship advice” applies to friends, co workers, family in how people treat one another. It’s just highlighted so much more in dating relationships.
They do, even if you seem like you don’t realize it
@@annstar2793 yes n with romantic relationships I think this usually applies more to the beginning of relationship... perhaps first few months. Let me know if I'm wrong. After that I wouldn't exactly call it breadcrumbing but sign if an actual problem in an actual relationship. With family you already have a relationship if some sort that would conceivably be for your/their entire life n one needs to determine what that will look like: getting together at larger family events, getting together separately in addition or instead, Facebook posts, text, phone calls, etc. And one can sort of take their cues from the other within a discussion sometimes But I do agree new friendships or even old friendships can turn into breadcrumbing friendship. Sometimes it's bc the other person got very busy with marriage n kids ,and the other isn't or both people are meaning both have such busy schedules that true connection can disappear either for a season or longer. It's difficult to know whether this is accidental and not about you personally or if it is more about you,( not that something changed about you necessarily but they have less interest in the things that once helped cement your relationship. Unfortunately people are rarely honest about this even to themselves n they can be very cruel in not understanding how this effects other people especially if their own guilt over it starts to make them sort of blame you but also without specifying why exactly.
This is so true! And it's more socially accepted from platonic relationships so that if you call it out, people think it's weird. I wish we all talked more about this.
If you communicate you might find out why they are doing this. If you are dealing with an ADHD friend they aren't doing anything to be mean or insensitive. They saw the text but were in the middle of something like work, and then by the time they had the time to respond too many squirrels had distracted them. Being a good friend means communicating and allowing someone to be who they are and loving them as they are. Communication is key!
Many women do the mistake of committing to men who are not committed to them. If he's not giving her his all and she's giving her all, he'll only take advantage.
The reverse is also true. Relationships aren't 50/50, they are 💯/💯.
@@AlwaysEverNow true! I don't understand why she says 50/50 - that's always fail/fail.
Many men make the mistake of pretending they are even going as far as marrying you
Yes and you can tell right away. LWhy give them a chance when they can’t keep their word on simple little things in the beginning? Yet they try to make you out to be a freak if you don’t fall in bed with them right away. Although I admit I would love to be in love and have the company in my old age, I’m no longer interested in dating. I put my energy into my art, a day job and my faith.
@SuzieQ7779 Integrity is attractive. Being glad for your own life experience tends to attract people. Still, it is frustrating sometimes. All the best👌
In short, "know your worth and accept nothing less." I agree wholeheartedly and I can unapologetically walk away without looking back when I am offered less than what I want. "You don't get what you deserve in life, just what you negotiate."
Perfectly said sir.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes thanks!
Facts
🩷
💗💗💗👁️
I tried doing that, and asking for clarity around a situationship (in the past) and then that person continued to say they understood, made plans twice, avoided me, when I told them how I felt they blew up at me and made me feel terrible. Sometimes it doesn't matter how civilised and kind you are, people are still assholes.
yes but you dodged a bullet
@@KLEFF718exactly, and that’s what matters in the end :) When someone shows me who they really are I’m glad they’re out of my life
All the more reason to walk away!
Yes but you missed the point entirely. One of the reasons this video is so good is she mentioned this last part,which is vetting for change. After you've done the best version of the first 3 ( no one does it perfectly) you then have to play a bit of wait and see. My own belief is that if someone is even doing this it's probably not a relationship I want or would continue but I would still talk to them about it bc it's great practice having hard conversations,I have little to lose n there's always the chance depending on how long it's been going on that something is going on with the other person they've been reluctant to share. It could be something about me or something I've unintentionally done or something completely about them. Maybe they have a family issue or medical issue or tough time at work or big financial issue. I can't be a mind reader all I can do is broach the subject that they are less comfortable acknowledging. I'll do that in the beginning bc not everyone is as skilled but I wouldn't do it forever either. No matter how many I statement or politely you say something many people will get defensive as they will still interpret it as you finding fault with them. Some people who are very shame based will actually feel this, other people will pretty much understand where you're coming from but will try to manipulate by switching it around and now try to put you on the defensive for the way you said it or that you're too needy or critical but again this is sad in the moment but when is a better time to find this out about a person's relationship n conflict mgmnt style? After you're dating for 2-5 yrs? After you're married? Doing this won't always give you the answer you want but it will give you an answer and in the long run that is the best.
People nowadays have no maturity whatsoever you have to find somebody that doesn't live in the western world they're much more mature
I was not secure, still not but doing much better. Man, I let my ex walk aaaalllll over me. I was a doormat, I would fawn, when I brought up a concern I was called anxious and clingy and insecure. So I tried harder to be the perfect boyfriend and meet every need. She dumped me for someone else and I’ve been in therapy for almost 9 months. Looking back I don’t even recognize the person I was and I don’t know what I saw in her
Keep healing
Same same.
I get you 💯.
Don’t know what I saw in him.
Been 2 years now. So much better. You will be too. 👍🏻
@@smitha1867 im glad to hear that! The time and inner convo you have to keep having can be very hard work, good job! I don’t know you but I’m proud of you!
Not only romantic relationships but friendship as well.
its the new norm.
I took a break. Permanently. I will not accept less than what I deserve.
Exactly all of us deserve better
Means you will never find it. That’s the problem with people. Saying they deserve instead of what THEY can give.
@@davidchupp4460 I feel like you've never been long enough with an avoidant.... They constantly take and take, and never give anything back. If you have the nerve to communicate your needs they pull the victim or I'm busy card. But oh damn if you don't satisfy their needs, they lash out at you. There has to be an equal give and take, otherwise it's not healthy nor fair and one-sided.
@@RubyLinemy point is that if marriage or relationship is about you you will always have by needy and unfulfilled. This includes men and women. If you communicate in a healthy NON THREATENING way that isn’t demeaning or demoralizing then it’s appropriate. Otherwise you will make the situation worse. Also do it when both have the time and space to talk and are in a good mood. Those things are critical. Don’t do it when frustrated or annoyed.
@@davidchupp4460 That works in a healthy relationship but not with insecure attachment styles together. When you're consistently faced with someone's lack of effort, communication, accountability and immaturity, enough is enough. Asking for one text per month (without any other communication besides it) was too much to ask. I doubt that you'd be able to have that type of neutral speech when you've been ghosted, ignored and stonewalled for months many times. With them coming back to you every time, acting like nothing happened.
You can be as good as you want in communication and conflict resolution, it won't change anything if your partner refuses to see how their behaviours is damaging. And that's for all insecure attachment styles.
Omg...I have never even heard of this or knew it was a REAL thing & have been telling my hubby of 28 yrs that I ONLY GET BREAD CRUBS from him now and feel like I'm a mouse!! I hate it and he wasn't like this for the first 10 yrs we were together..ive been sleeping alone for 2 weeks now because he doesn't understand that I CANT BE A MOUSE any longer & he doesn't want to HEAR ME now AT ALL..I knew I was right!!! I am a secure person (but it didn't come from having a loving childhood! Lol) & refuse to let him neglect my emotional needs anymore. I will leave him because I can't live like this. It's painful to be neglected when you give your all to the other...thanks for doing a video on this. its DIVINE intervention that i even found this🙏!😇
Security means you don't depend on others to fill the void.
You should check our Adrienne everheart
Are There Others In his Life?
Tbey Get Their Needs Met SOMEWHERE
Okay you have to lean back to get him to move forward. You need Adrienne EVERHEART or Sami Wonder. Or Laura Doyle
You are turning him off and pushing him away.
Cracked
The secure person won’t start the fight but the breadcrumber will for sure go into defensive mode starting with denial and then open defensiveness. 👍
Something akin to that happened last July. I thread/wary of them now. Actions, not words
Then we secures know it's time to walk away
secure/intelligent people rarely start fights.
I’m just loading up my schedule, so that I’m not wasting my time anymore. If he goes silent, I’m missing him less and less. We rarely have enough time to discuss anything so the little embers that started glowing are dying out. Very little oxygen pumped in to ignite the flames. I’m more excited now for the things I have on my schedule than hearing from him. It’s only a matter of time.
Getting older is rough.
Thst sounds like a form of dishonesty
So why wait? Just end it if you've done the 4 things she recommended. Why give him continued power over your life. You should actually have been keeping yourself involved in other things as a well balanced person not simply to feel less upset about a relationship. But doing so will likely give you better chances to start out on better footing with someone new in future.
Thats a good idea thanks 😊
Yep that’s how it dies: from neglect and abandonment. Good you handled it like a boss.
I agree. Breadcrumbing is very telling. It shows a person's brokeness, unhealthy issues and lack of respect and love for the individual they are breadcrumbing. If this continues to happen, just leave them alone and to themselves. They will either go away or change. They will never change if they are aided and abetted. Period.
alone is where they need to be. all a narcissist needs is themselves.
I noticed I've only ever been breadcrumbed by guys I met on dating apps.
Dating apps are really a separate phenomena of its kind. I don’t know how they should be fixed so that they can start actually giving what they are supposed to (connect people intending to find relationships).
Stay off the apps! These men are low value and use it to build a harem of women they can brag about having to their friends. They can’t women in real life so they’re on there abusing women.
@@kognitivescientistdating apps are algorithmed and their goal is to actually keep you single and on the apps. They want people buying benefits on their apps and using them.
The videos from a perspective of a securely attached person are really helpful to me
Fully agree! It flips it from “what not to do” to “this is how you do it”
Thank you Thais 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
It's like realizing we're both living on the same planet but in two different universes/two different planes of reality. 🤯
@@SmallBobby true
Avoidants will make even the most secure people doubt their sanity. Avoid the avoidant.
A secure person simply breadcrumbs back. If the other half wants to kill the relationship, either by game playing or disinterest, a secure person will match their input, and they'll either start putting more in or it will die out. Either one is fine, as secure people will have plenty of other people to talk to
that's not what OP said at all? she said that first things first, the confusion/upset would get assertively, calmly communicated
ah unless you mean like a brand-new person you're dating or something
Yeah, but I call it pulling back your energy. If not reciprocated then, just gonna give you what you give me. But the funny thing is they will say your acting strange when really you just want to be left alone and giving them what they want
No. Not a good strategy. She's saying call it out and try to get to the bottom of it. Give the breadcrumber a chance to change the behavior. If they don't. Walk away. What you're suggesting is immature.
@SonicSpeedfan23 that's not what she's saying to do. As a secure person I call someone who's doing this out. Not in an angry way but convey that I'm confused by it. If it doesn't change then I decide if it's w9rth it to stick around. Breadcrumbs back is just immature
Something to keep in mind, you’re super pretty, so if I were a guy hearing you say that, I’d want to pay attention. Those who aren’t physically attractive don’t have the same clout, unfortunately. I speak from both sides, having been super cute and then in a bad accident that left me disabled. People who aren’t perceived as strong or physically beautiful get disrespected right and left. It takes really thick skin and a very strong sense of independence to make it in relationships when you’re disabled or disadvantaged.
It hurts to read that
@@martialmusic It isn’t true though. It’s just the “pretty privilege” narrative.
@@audreyandrea460aspects are true.
There are many factors at play ....
You are right, i was pretty, youthful and slim, now im 55 with a health condition and overweight, boy is it a different dating scene, but luckily i have learned to respect and nurture myself so i am happy in my life, enjoy my own interests and work, satisfied with my acheivements and content to wait for decent folk to show up.
Self respect no matter how unattractive you “ think” you are is Very attractive
I've always tried harder to make them like & appreciate me. It never worked. If I'm ever in a relationship again & if bread crumbing occurs, I've promised myself to leave.
It never works , I tried that too . I ended up leaving . . .
I'm not being breadcrumbed. That happens I'm pretty much done. It's not the right one don't waste your time. Done the communication thing These days things don't work with people because people are very emotionally immature. What they will do is get defensives, gaslight you tell you're being too needy...
Walk
"needy" is just a word coined by manipulators to make you feel bad for standing up for what you know you deserve. They call you "needy" because they want zero accountability to show up in the relationship for you in any way. They want a rent free relationship. You give 100%, they take it all.
so f them.
I think the key to healthy attachment is “healing” when you heal, you can see 🚩 red flags in people quickly, and your aura becomes brighter and resonates people of a higher frequency who will give you what you want.
So I was not at all weak when I told this girl, "hey is everything okay, you're not as communicative lately, if you need space I'll give you space." I also told her "I'm just communicating how I feel about this, and that I feel bad(not bad as in apologetic but terrible not talking to this person as much as we did in the beginning) and if you didn't want to explain yourself that's fine. And if you wanted to talk about what you're going through I'm all ears." I have not talked to her in almost 3 months, because if she wanted to talk she would.
That's a lot of text. I wouldn't try to second guess why they're breadcrumbing. Just do what Thais suggests and ask whats up and say you feel a disconnection
Did you tell her or text her? If you are exchanging texts, this is almost a different way of communication.
That sounds perfect to me! If she didn't respond to this you need to let her go, she's not at all worth it.
@@thelaziestbeeFrom my experience a text is always perceived as more negative than speaking in person.
@user-ch9bj5ok8b yes, I have noticed that too
This video made me realize that I had communication issues.
Me to
the hardest person to judge, is ones self.
Yes! ‘Securely attached people will communicate,’ period. Absolutely in agreement with that point. Which not only speak to their secure attachment style but also to their character and self-esteem. ❤
Maybe I’m finally securely attached! ❤🙏. I was anxiously attached at one time.
If someone disrespects me with breadcrumbs, its done. I'm not playing junior high level mind games. I'm moving on and deleting their number. Grown women don't do these things.
💯
I learned to Marie Condo my life. Just with people. I am not addressing breadcrumbing. Why waste time? I ask myself, if this relationship gives me joy? If no, I say thank you for being in my life and you can leave now.
❤
Don’t waste time on breadcrumbing people, they already showed you who they are.
💯💯👍
Yes. And when the FA doesn't communicate for weeks, you let go.
I don’t see any problem with holding on loosely unless the relationship warrants more effort. We are all at where we are at. If we align tightly, so be it. If not, a loose yet cherished connection is still valuable.
I enjoyed reading your comment. It takes the pressure off of relationships and puts it in a healthy perspective.
Communication isnt conflict. Its funny how insecure styles see this as a threat or bad thing!
You know, that sounds logical however when you grow up and saw that the only way people communicate is yelling and then have past partners who do the same, you kind of go quiet to protect yourself because as I've learned from too many people, communication can lead to arguments.
@@LeeChrissy im glad you recognise where it comes from. First stage of recovery right? 🙏
Imagine if you had dyslexia or something and had to deal with this kind of thing over text
@@Littleowl85352 I have dyslexia, and I can tell when someone is being an arsehole and deserves to be ignored until they grow up (or don't)
@@harry-james-booksyes but it may present a challenge for some dyslexics to communicate this viewpoint effectively via the written word
I think one also has to bear in mind that it's also appropriate just to let it go unless this is a really important relationship to us. Not only may we sometimes not like the answer (I'm sure we all have had friends we've outgrown and messaged less as time went on) I do still think it's good to go with the flow and let people do their thing and come closer when they're ready... unless this is, like I say, a relationship you really wanna prioritise.
I was thinking the same if your in a relationship it’s easier to communicate what you need from them but if it’s just texting from a early person than it’s harder to communicate your needs and I do feel people show with their action what kind of person they are going to be in a relationship before you have gone further so I just let them go if it’s meant to be they will take action
Thank you. 💯 why vet for the change if you're not attached to begin with? I feel like this advice only applies to a relationship where it didn't start off with breadcrumbing and relationship was already established...
This is such a good message! I struggle with anxious attachment and am always worried that I’m being needy or being a doormat, and it’s so true that these kinds of fears make me overreact. But being clear and direct in a kind way, that makes me feel like I can ask for what I need instead of just throwing it all away.
If you try Thais's personal development courses I swear they'll help so much! It's so easy to put myself first now and say no to people.
AP here and - same!!!! So relatable!!!!!
Yes. I think anxious types have a tendency to doubt that the other will respond in a friendly/receptive manner so that is how we ask for something we may request or inquire. That anxious dialogue gets reverberated back to us as a mirror. I'm going to watch/awareness about how I present myself to my partner. Thank you.
I'm an FA and I was surprised to hear these behaviors are secure ones because I do them (though I still struggle with the "jumping to conclusions" part).
My issue is, if you breadcrumb me once, I'll never trust you again. That's probably the maladaptive part. So I DO stick to my boundaries, try not to jump to conclusions, address the breadcrumbing like an adult, and then walk away (not being a jerk about it unless they pick a fight or were transgressing).
I think my non-negotiables are where the issue lies: breadcrumbing is a non-negotiable. In my mind, the breadcrumbing indicates manipulation (bad), indecision about me (bad personal trigger), a multidating situation (another bad personal trigger), or that it might NOT be actual "breadcrumbing," but FEELS like it is because the other person does not desire the same level of connection/attentiveness/closeness that I want, in which case we're incompatible.
All of these scenarios are grounds for walking away because nobody can regain my trust once it's gone and I know that about myself, so I don't waste anyone else's time. I just hope for a better fit with the next person but clearly there is something wrong with my approach because I've been alone for a VERY long time now, and former partners have a,ways said I was too rigid with my boundaries and felt like I "discarded them.". That can't have a healthy root.
I think u r right. For me sth that shows if a relationship has potential is when you explain your boundaries and needs, does the person make an effort to meet them or not? If not, you move on, no question
I hope the answer is:
"Uuuuuh.... Ew. No, thank you. I feel disgusted by breadcrumbs, not confused. So, I've moving on. Thanks for the memories, and the clarity. Cheers. All the best in your future endeavours."
I'm going to say I'm "Emotionally Gluten Intolerant" the next time.
I save my bread crumbs for turkey stuffing on Thanksgiving day.
Love this 😂 💯 me too except I’m veggie 😅
If you have an anxious attachment style - every relationship feels like breadcrumbs.
If you have an avoidant attachment style...others will feel like you breadcrumb them.
Even healthy attachment style people experience some level of both.
Disturbed attach style will vary between them.
Couple can work and support them out, but it,s easyer to pick next one
Avoidantly attached people learned early in life they were not good enough to be loved. It’s called hateful psychological abuse. With no self esteem their behaviors appear as breadcrumbs to others, but are acts of heroism on their part. Why heroic ? Because they are reaching out for connection, all while genuinely expecting deep rejection. Sadly, this also makes them less attractive, and the risk is of the self fulfilling prophecy, as well as disappointment for their partner.
martial music, my wife is an utter mystery. I'm objectively out of her league but I tell her she's beautiful and I treat her like it. She rejects me constantly. I look her in the eye and smile and she says "what??" in a nervous way like it's an invasion of her space. If we have sex she won't look me in the eye. If I try to connect with her during lovemaking she says "stop trying so hard" but she just lays there like a dead fish. If I text her she won't respond. If we talk it's just business. We share none of the same interests and all she cares about is hanging out with her family. It's the worst relationship I've ever been in.
Yep this is what I did. Asked him why he’s always “busy” and can’t seem to call rather than text in a non confrontational way. He didn’t realize he was doing it and completely changed the dynamic.
Good for you! Didn't see that ending coming.... glad it worked out.
Wow he actually changed. That's a first I've heard.
I think that with our romantic and more personal connections/ relating, we get to a point where we ask oursekf - do I invest any more effort, time, of myself into THIS? And, why? What's my endgame here? A good question to ask....Just what IS my endgame here? Hand on heart, honesty with Self. Whatever your answer truly is, run with it, and you won't waste so much of your time and effort trying to " make something work better" when it's never going to.
well, i started out as secure, communicated in a calm manner, was understanding, tolerating her cancelling every second meeting. - but everyone has their limits. cancelled our weekend 2 hours before, food was on the table. even a secure person will come to a point where it hurts and it becomes difficult to adress it in a nice manner - and suddenly you act like an Anxious
Ask questions and you WILL be gaslit, doesn’t matter how calmly you ask. Don’t ask anything, if they wanted to communicate they would! If they had the maturity to communicate effectively, they would. Just observe, and move on, there is nothing to discuss.
Side note: I’m so happy to see so many people in the comments that are above the bad advice in this video!! ❤❤❤stay smart folks! Don’t fall for the mind games!
It’s funny that almost 20 years ago, the term breadcrumbs came to my mind at the beginning stages of my relationship, way before I heard it on social media. It came from my partner then starting to go for lunch without me, while I ate bread alone at home. And the affection and time for me lessening and lessening. Unfortunately I allowed it for 20 years…
I communicate then dip if nothing changes. That right?
I've also done this. I feel if the communication just goes straight over their head, it's not my position to continue communication like I'm teaching a baby.
Protecting my energy as such
" Putting in a lot to try and make things work, when they never will".
2 days ago , in the course of my occupation, I came across a man and woman, who, when I happened to mention that I also do Psychic work, they let up like fairy lights on a Christmas tree and immediately jumped in all ernest and eager and asked me... " What abou us? What do you say about us together"? After around a minute or so, I replied....
" You both keep going on and out together. You can never settle on being together or being separate. You each come and go. You're in you're out, you're there, you're not.
But, deep down you're both not at all really suited to each other for a genuine lasting relationship. It's like you hope you might be or wish you could be or believe you should be. But, no, it's that you're not and won't be". They both looked at each other and agreed that yes, that's how they both had been and still were. And that yes what I said was really true.
In a few minutes it was like they both took the pressure off themselves and finally admitted what they had not really admitted to themselves and each other before now. ( What I saw but didn't say to them is that there really was NO real fire or spark or chemistry between them.) They both finished up saying that they're really good for each other as friends, but that's all. I think we waste an awful lot of time, effort, stress, confusion, angst, conviction, emotion, " working " to " make things work" when they never really will. I think that like these 2 people, we hope it might or believe it SHOULD when our own lived experience, our own feeling and knowing, is telling us that no, it won't and never will.
❤
It took many years but I went from being co dependent to having secure attachments, learned validate myself and set boundaries. World looks very different and I’m happy. Wish my parents taught me this stuff
Going out on a limb to say to Thais, Happy Mother’s Day from your subscribers! The content and love and support you give us daily is that of a nurturing motherly nature.
I am going through the most saddest part of a breakup with a DA and your voice and insight has been so so comforting to me. I’ve been following for a while and you’re apart of my life more than you know!!! Thank you Thais ❤
Thank you for your beautiful comment
Happy to know that when I hear this I can see myself doing this. That I've gone far enough I'm my healing to think "yea...makes sense..."
The breadcrumbs can come from anyone; the boss, the spouse, the grown kid who is trying to say “give me space”, a new love interest, or friends. One friend cancelled a meet-up, never attempted to reschedule, and ghosted me for two months. And No, she didn’t have a lot going on. If a person wants a friend ship, or more, then an effort must be made & sustained to create what u want. It doesn’t happen on its own, like magic. No thanks to all the breadcrumbers.
@2:08 true stories as a SA I co-sign this message, so when we say to avoidant type people "this behaviour is not for me," and do a SA "discard of the avoidant types and call them out they really can't get mad if we find it unacceptable.
The good news is, DAs barely even care about being broken up with (it's not like they truly value being in a relationship to begin with). So, no harm, no foul.
@@spikygreenthis has been my experience as a DA. I’ve been rarely broken up so I think in the times it’s happened I’m confused but not hurt. I don’t have a one that got away fortunately or unfortunately.
@@sj3969 thanks for sharing. Would it still be the case if it's someone you moved in with and lived together?
When he is kind and honest and gives his best.... Reward him with loyalty, great sex and the best friendship he could ask for.... The rest he will do, he's a man!!
But when they lie and you are trying your best....the game has to change and play out it's full time before it is completed and done!!!
They crumb you when you are honest and kind....You teach them a lesson in migraine and nausea, frustration, confusion, irritability, sadness (because that's what they did to you and will do the next good girl!)... then cut them off like they never fkn existed!
Remain single, heal, level up, go through your evolution with grace.... And step back out into life with readiness and self confidence....
Never let a man make you lose love for life....that's ungodly!
I want to add, you can tell a lot about someone by how they react to you trying to communicate.
If they blow up, get defensive, glaze over or gaslight you, then it's an indication that they will be unable to comminicate with you. It is not our job to lower ourselves to meet someone where they are. This is important if you have been healing and changing patterns..and to maintain firm boundaries..and enforcing them. Rooted in your self worth.
This was amazing timing as im going thru breadcrumbing right now and that hit all that boxes that im doing. Thank you for sharing.
I love you enough to tell you to please stop telling the story that you are someone who receives breadcrumbs from people I say this would love and compassion and understanding that I would love for you to tell the story that you are loved in relationships. Your love is received. It is noticed it is reciprocated, you are seen in your relationship you are valued in your relationship you were cared for and thought of someone who attracts a loving committed relationship with a healthy secure partner
@@MagicalGem222 Who are you to know his/her situation ? Being breadcrumbed by someone is NOT receiving love. And relationships are based on an equal give and take, not constant giving. Being breadcrumbed is receiving specs of dust so that they can further use you whenever they feel like having their needs met. That won't mean that the discards won't happen all over again. Not worth the hurt, drama and bs. Heal yourself and let them go.
The needle didn't move and I got my answer. Infact, it exposed some mild gaslighting. We had gone on several dates and they told me yes to everything I wanted, but then acted like we never had that conversation. So, I did like that song by Chinchilla " Cut you off".
Within a few weeks I was dating someone much better for me. It was more casual but at least we are on the same page. The breadcrumb person is now asking people we know if I am ok and implying I have changed or I am depressed (which I am not). I have never been better. Kiitos!
Oh yes, this is how am seeing life, notice that my values are slowly changing and evolving in this naturally, good times.
I really liked your closing remarks at step four. Confrontation can be kind authentic and honest and be said in a way that demonstrates one’s own continuing investment in the relationship. This displays one’s own self respect. This is wisdom. It leaves room for self love while acknowledging that love from the other person may - or may not - be diminishing - and that you are interested in hearing the answer.
@4:44 😆absolutely!! Yes we call it out, and then told we "have no empathy for avoidant types" like we're supposed to accept it rather than avoidant types check themselves. So far you're doing a brilliant job on SA type's response to avoidant behaviour bravo 🎉
I just dealt with one recently and i tried everything...I released her, and now she can go be a whole cancerous tumor in someone else's life...Since when does the Universe think an overgrown toddler is what i need at this stage of my life? I don't do snakes let alone komodo dragons, and she is the latter. Evil design, she can slither back to the hades. Manipulations, lack of communication , constant white lies and inconsistency for almost 2 yrs...She can stay in the komodo dragon's pit. It takes a lot for me to hate and loathe, but this one here, I don't know the reason why the universe sent them my way...in the 1st place.
If you invest in your interests/hobbies, and in your friends and people in your family whom you love, you will be secure enough, and busy enough to choose to not waste your time with someone who's flaky and doesn't know what they want. Get to a happy state first, in whatever way possible, and THEN look for a mate. Great video by the way !
Love this! Could you make a video on signs you’re making progress going from being an FA working toward Secure attachment?❤
I would love this too!! Great idea
@@triplejmom7826 I'm here to throw in a 3rd vote ❤
That video you're looking for is available on this channel @personal development by Thais th-cam.com/video/PhILFZXpa-g/w-d-xo.htmlsi=F9yogR0CdPY8BAxF
If you haven't dumped someone for no reason for a year, you're finally getting there
Thank you for your suggestion, will forward this to Thais :)
Commenting and liking this for the algorithm. This is so needed especially when you've been indoctrinated by parents who told you that you should be treated like sh by a man.
@7:01 that's right , yes we do . But you better trust and believe that "vetting point" will be make or break for that avoidant too. They will be moved on from with no regrets if there's no change. Not years later it will be sooner rather than later 💯
This is so needed. Thank you.
I like this. Thank you. I like the calm and professional yet compassionate way you handle this topic.
I appreciate all of your videos and shorts. Thank you. ❤
You are so awesome!! Thanks for all you are doing. I love sharing your work!
Perfect timing. I needed this info.
Another great video Thais. I really appreciate the examples you give as well. Pretty much use them word for word when speaking to my DA partner. Keep up the good work :)
Very helpful! Thank you
I love this so much. This would never have worked with my ex because she was narcissistic and if I addressed anything in any way, she 1) Denied it 2) Took it as criticism 3) Gaslit me for having feelings. I should have left long before I did, but I finally did. But I also admit that I could have done this process so much better with her. Great to know for next time! Thank you, Thais!
Great strategy that you presented. I appreciate sanity in the approach .❤
I heard dating advice that we should all have a pair and a spare. The pair are a person you like and the person you really like. The spare is a person who you may have in the friend zone but could be someone you like. If you have a few options at the same time it’s great because you are never desperate and will spend time where you actually find your best fit.
So you're just using people
This was such a great video Thais, thank you!
Thank you for explaining to us the secure way to communicate. I have been so confused how to deal with implementing boundaries.
It sucks wanting to call it out when you genuinely care for the person and know theyre sensitive to criticism like that so I just chose to call it off and avoid talking about it beyond me just stating my boundaries and leaving. Even if its ended well and theyve realized I will move on if nothing happened I still have mixed feelings on addressing someone is leading me on, maybe Im just too soft but at the same time I at least know not to give into the chase.
I needed this video today. Thank you.
This is such a great way to get perspective 👏 thank you!
I met a guy at the grocery store who once had my number but didn't put it to any good use. He asked for it again and I told him he doesn't need it, that's why he had deleted in the first place.
That was awesome, thank you!
Thanks for this really clear and insightful video! I think these rules can apply in any relationship. I used to have a “friend” who only ever made any effort when she wanted something from me. Also, my brother puts no effort into our relationship at all so I stopped doing so too.
Secure and getting crumbs? Nah I’ll go find my Loaf of bread instead 😂
Awesome, thank you for the wisdom.
🙏😇
Damn all these things I have done, somehow I was convinced by insecure people of my past that I was overthinking and people pleasing. I was surrounded by the wrong people then
Thanks!
Brilliant thank you so much!!!
Thanks for sharing ❤
thank you so much for this
Thank you!
@5:27 really good word track
Needed that chat - thank you.
Wish I had seen it a week earlier 🙈 😅
Powerful vid.. ❤
I wonder if those who lean anxious hear this and see the difference between how they handle these situations opposed to how secure handle them. A lot of times I speak with obvious AP's or FA's who think they're secure but there's no way they actually are by the way they present themselves on these threads.
That's not meant as a dig either. I was all over the place as an unhealed FA. Now that healed some of that (not all), I can recognize a fellow FA or anxious just by how they communicate on here.
I hope everyone takes notes from Thais's secure videos as they are so valuable in how everyone should be showing up if they are looking for a deep meaningful connection..
And if not what you're looking for then don't...lol
I can only speak for myself but I see myself in BOTH sides of this. I believe I am likely securely attached, with an anxious lean, and that's certainly how I presented myself in my last very long-term relationship. But, I was recently in a relationship with an FA who totally brought out my anxious leanings, and although I rarely did or said anything I am ashamed of now, as I watched this video it was like a refresher: "Oh, yeah, right... THAT's how I used to do things (and still do, just with some slipping, lol)". With my long term ex, I can also see both... she was very anxiously attached, but in therapy, and I could see her doing things well, and sometimes not... and she was generally able to recognize very well after the fact if she had communicated well at some point.
@@systemsoversymptomsvisionw9806 thank you for sharing. ❤
Did just that but the FA was in deactivation and got even more mad when I expressed my concerns and needs directly lol
Me too. They then projected onto me, which probably came from that deactivation
@@DobermanDanK9 Projection and devaluation?
@@mercyveritas1125sounds so familiar!
Leave.
Good video! Im FA becoming more secure
Thanks.
Thanks! Nice video. I like the term bread crumbing. It sums up a lot of what I've experienced in the past and gives me a way to manage through it. Subscribing!
If you remember anything, remember this:
* When you use words that few understand, your audience gets smaller and smaller.... and smaller.
* Calling someone out on this behavior, no matter how you paint it. It's STILL JUDGEMENT!!! And us men will move further and further away form the women of this source.
* THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, IS YOURSELF.
What sucks is you fall in love and then you marry then the woman changes, then you're fucked. It's too late and you're trapped.
@@smokingcrab2290 Sadly true. Then there's no way to tell from those with good intentions, and those without. We are learning how destructive social media, and online dating is. The 2 things that has changed society the most in the past 30 years. I for one, am off line, and I notice a distinct difference. I went through withdrawals, just like an addiction, and the more I learned about this system; the deeper the rabbit hole got, the more insane I got. When I'm off line, and she's off line, it's like a Red Pill experience; the relationship has become SO MUCH MORE rich. March on, brave one...
I would love to see a video about when a AP breaks up with the DA first not the other way around !
I did, what do you want to know?
A lot of times they do. When I leaned anxious in one of my DA relationships I left. It wasn't so much that I felt they were doing anything wrong, but more that my nervous system was a wreck because I never spoke up about anything as I didn't know how to in a healthy way. If I started in the relationship secure, I guarantee we would have had a different outcome.
I agree though. That would be a good video.
Agreed. Going through this right now. Would be a great video.
@@cangrejitamiry everything lol 🤣🤣
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes i did break up with my DA . Because at some point you know that if you want a relationship with a DA ( who isn't working on him self) it will be you sentencing your life to a death penalty xD . She was chocked by my decision as she told me i never thought you will leave and at the end of the day since you love me you gonna be patient ! And i told her that is there is anything that proves that i was took granted by you is this ! I don't have to take responsibility for your hard personality especially if you aren't willing to do the work it takes to make the relationship work !!
Those that can’t communicate, compromise or comprehend aren’t worthy of your time. Conflict resolution is key to any relationship or friendship.
I have the will just not the way. ‘Never place urself where u don’t fit, u could become stuck’
My health nosedived drastically cuz it was a repeat of my childhood. I was diagnosed w MS as well as RA and other underlying issues caused by the above. I don’t have anywhere to go. And truly think I’m destined to be alone tho it’s last thing I want. 🕊️
AMEN! 🙌🏾 Glory to God