It's okay not to be nice | bad things happen to nice people
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.ย. 2024
- When you can comfortably say “it’s okay not to be nice” and believe it, you can start curing your disease to please. But why is it so hard to say??
No matter what you do, you can’t seem to stop being nice. If that sounds familiar, then this video is for you. I was there as well. I had to be ‘nice’ to everyone. It was the one thing about me that I could count on and that I liked about myself.
Here are the things I did to stop, in the hopes that they’ll work for you, too.
As a quick aside, hello to everyone who’s new here!! I’m so excited that you’ve decided to join the channel, and can’t wait to keep making more of these videos for you. If you have anything you’d really like to see from me, please let me know in the comments. And most of all, thank you, thank you, thank you.
The Disease to Please (explore it for yourself!) - www.harrietbra...
The Feelings Wheel I use: feelingswheel....
Get Your Guide to Vision Boarding for Transformation - www.mindfulmel...
Cards + timings:
8:30 - morning routine card - • 30 days to start a pra...
10:10 - mindfulness is reverse engineering card - • How to use mindfulness...
12:20 - people pleasing playlist
Disclaimer: I am not an accredited therapist or mental health professional, and I do not share advice with the intent of diagnosing or otherwise categorizing people. I'm sharing the tools, books, and techniques that have worked for me in my journey of self-development. Please always do your own research and look closely at the information you hear and see online, as the person who knows you best is yourself. If you feel you need professional help, please seek it, it can be incredibly worthwhile.
What helped me is :
1. Don't be nice. Be good.
2. Put yourself first. It's like in the airplane when they say put your oxygen mask first before helping others.
That's a good one. Be good
"Being constantly nice at the expense of your negative feelings will make you, and your relationships, sick." I have felt this so profoundly in my own life-and to say that is an understatement. At one point I felt like my niceness would quite literally kill me if I didn't speak up. Being silent is a suffocating feeling. Now that I'm building up the courage to speak out, I feel safe and free.
Thanks for sharing that. I understand exactly what you mean.
Exactly f these people if you be kind to them nothing will get done.
Stop caring stop letting these agencies rip you off over housing, they put more time and energy into making people homeless again and hassling an abusive couples to keep living together then they do seperating them. These traditionalists are crazy and controlled by sexist assholes trying to traffic couples into unhealthy living situations.
They tell you to leave then you leave now they want to con you into hanging around to help out an abuser and they won't even pay you for it. I'm pretty sure forced unpaid labor and slavery is illegal and they need to stop hiring bigoted people to run there agencies.
It is completely exhausting not being able to say no will make you a doormat. People pleasing makes you sick after a while.
You get it. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
You can be a good person but not a nice person. Good people have boundaries and Nice people don’t.
Well said. Thanks for sharing that.
I enjoy being kind to others and showing kindness but it is always an active choice. Niceness is how you get people to walk all over you. I have had a few people make the mistake of thinking my act of kindness was "niceness" and try to take advantage of me. It didnt end well for them. Learning to say no and be in control of your own life is ultimately what will make yourself and those around you happier because people respect and ultimately like boundries especially in healthy relationships the kinds you want
Thanks for sharing.
I'm nice. But know when to draw the line 🙏💜
Yes. It doesn't mean we have to turn into awful people, hey. It just means to have a line. Thanks for sharing
I feel like the juxtapose that's being shoved down our throat is Narcissism. So it's this constant balacing act of being empathetic or nice- and looking out for one's self
You listen to the outlining of the popularize narcissistic traits and nearly anything you can possibly do in preservation of one's self or own self-interest is "Narcissistic".
Oh you don't want to goto this family function because you genuinely don't like the people- Narcissistic
You don't want to date this particular type because they come with all their own bagage and self loathing- Narcissistic
You don't see the benefit of non-mutually beneficial friendship that pours into and enriches your own life- Oh you're transactional, narcissistic
Oh you don't believe in Un-conditional love and being the martyr for someone else inability to work on themselves and do the work to be a partner, so you put yourself first- ...you guessed it Narcissistic
As someone who was once perpetually nice and now embracing my own Villain era I can't tell you how many times I have an internal debate with myself about choosing myself and does this make me...a Narc, I know it's a defense mech by my "must be nice" demon but it weighs heavily and is such a struggle sometimes
You are noticing the struggle. Thats powerful
I so relate to this thought process ❤
People pleasing is done for our own needs to be filled not others. But Narcissism has become popular on social media and over (self) dx. Another label or identity vs just being human. Most on YT who cover it or claim to be it haven’t talked to an objective experienced profes’l. Do what feels right and best for you but you rarely go wrong by leading with the heart and intuition.
“If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.”
-J. Krishnamurti
It is narcissistic, but not ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. The thing is, to individuate (become your own person) you have to go through a narcissistic stage where only your feelings matter and you tell everyone else ‘no’. In healthy human development, with ‘good-enough’ parents who are developed enough themselves to handle hearing ‘no’, that phase would happen in childhood around age 2, before genuine empathy begins to develop around age 3. But so many of us, through no fault of our own, haven’t had that safe container with parents who can handle their children separating from them, so we’ve subconsciously delayed our development to keep our parents from breaking down (i.e. for attachment and survival purposes). So we continue our development and go through the narcissistic stage in adulthood when we finally find enough emotional safety, the right conditions for our development to continue. There’s nothing wrong or bad about going through this narcissistic stage - everyone who has reasonable mental health has done it. It’s just not societally acceptable to go through it as an adult, but I think it is getting and will get more acceptable as people begin to understand mental health and psychology more.
@@creative45630 very insightful addition, thank you!
I try to be a good person and I was pushed aside and marginalized.
Sorry this happened. You are still a good person.
Wish u success
Thank you.
I was working in a popular vegetarian restaurant in the 80s 😂😅
A group of people came to eat , soon I felt negative aggressive demeanour.
I don't remember exactly the interaction ,
I was approached by a woman who apologised
They had spent a weekend in assertiveness 😂😅😊 coursework. 😊
That's so cool. Amazing what a difference some context and perspective can do :) Thanks for sharing
And of course, the assertiveness training! Just try not to take it out on the innocent wait staff :)
@@melonydee Yeap assertive behaviour doesnt mean aggressive ready to assert ...a bullying 😤 customer.
thank you
You're welcome
Yes, yes, yes.🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉.
People should rather start to be nice and kind - look at whats happening in the world.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yes, we should all be kind and caring, but to make sure the kindness and caring is also directed at ourselves.
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As a pathological people pleaser I thank you ❤
You are welcome. Just passing information on. So glad it is finding a home :)
This video came at the right time. Thank you. I struggle with people pleasing since childhood. It’s gotten me into a lot of trouble. I’m trying to break the cycle. Thank you for enlightening me.
I'm so glad you found it helpful. It's hard, but the first step is to know this about yourself, and then take it from there, little by little. You've done that.
Workplaces try and demand nice, not kind.
I love this video, just subscribed💜 Also you sound South African, I'm Namibian. I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries. Cos "niceness" is not a character attribute.
Welcome :) So pleased to hear from someone in Africa! I am indeed from South Arica. Moved to New Zealand 15 years ago. Thanks for your comments, and like that phrase: "niceness" is not a character attribute
0:35 I subscribed as soon as she started swearing. ❤❤😂🎉
I was going to try to avoid swearing...but now I might not :) welcome!
In short, be nice, not a pushover. Be good, not gullible. Another thing to notice is - a person’s bad behaviour is directly proportional to the support they enjoy. The more support they have the less need they have to be nice to others. How many have experienced negative experiences despite being nice? Some might stand up to it but their success largely depended on the support they get in doing so. That takes you to the next step- learn to stand up for yourself but be prepared to be alone because the not so nice person usually has a lit if support which actually feeds that bad behaviour.
Thanks for the contribution. I do believe there are alternatives to 'standing up' for yourself that is more palitable for people pleasers who are new to the game of extracting themselves from their previous behaviours. Maybe I'll make a video about that.
Thank you@@melonydee That sounds great! Maybe another video for generally assertive people who find themselves in sticky situations also might help.
So many valuable lessons in this one, thank you! ❤
Like you, I was also proud of being such a kind and nice person and I got praised for it as well. But I totally agree with your message, we are more than just nice people, we deserve to express all our emotions and to show our real selves to the world!
Thank you for all your tips to overcome people pleasing! That book sounds interesting.
Thanks as always. I appreciate you. And that book changed my life
Let out the real you ❤ that touched me
Sorry can’t focus with the background music.
Thanks for letting me know.
Needed this. Thank you 🤍
You’re welcome 😊 Thanks for commenting.
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Am confused u thought u thought i was nasty
Sorry for the confusion. I don't think you are nasty
@@melonydee only sick