Why DATING is DIFFICULT after a narcissistic relationship
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I gave up trying to date, 10 years ago.
Sometimes it feels like the narcissist won by destroying my gentle trusting giving soul, and my need to find a partner.
But the bliss of being alone, without having to deal with others and their issues, far outweighs any occasional loneliness
Been 12 for me. I tried dating for a while it was a disaster. Where are all the normal people??? I gave up.
15 years for me but I now have caring responsibilities for a family member now.
You are right, it is bliss and I am now in charge of my life and have so much autonomy. I'm enjoying it actually.
17 for me, raising our child he has never set eyes on. His choice and I'm glad. Trust capacity broken.
@@jkiddo4254 I can only sympathise with you. I'm 3 years on and haven't seen my daughter as I've been alienated from her by her mother. I'll dream of the time when my daughter realises what has happened and sees the light.
@MyLazySundaeCan totally relate to this
Honestly. I have no desire to go out and date after being dragged through court and over a decade in a high conflict marriage. I'm good on my own
Me too! I actually love being alone. I have rare diseases and the ex-covert narcissist did quite a number on my health . Sending you love and healing
Same here 🤷♀️
In the same boat. It's exhausting thinking about trying again.
@@Melaann I’m with you on that! I’ve been on my own almost 4 years now and am loving it. I’m starting to love myself for the first time.
There is alot of social pressure to date or be in a couple. Being single is OK!
I'm 62 years old and 8 years out of my long term marriage. I have no desire to try dating. I'm still healing from almost 40 years of covert abuse. I was living in his false reality full of lies. I speak truth now. I like me. I like being alone with my thoughts. Should I ever find someone, he will be competing with my peace of mind 😂 I've said, this man is going to have to be amazing. He will have to be good, kind and honest. And quite frankly, I fear this man doesn't even exist. And i'm ok with it. 🙂
I'm 30 and I feel pretty much the same lol. I don't believe that a good, kind, honest, gentle and caring man out there exists for me and I also truly unbothered by that fact.
56 here. Im with you after 25 years of covert abuse
I'm perfect for you as with utmost respect i'd take none of your anti male rants but would not come anywhere near you even with a barge pole
Same age & 40 years with same abusive inconsiderate emotionally selfish woman.
Who've i've the sense to know was not a narcissist = just a rotten cow. I mean as if the quack that makes this stuff up can seriously be right in the head to stir up metaphysical hate like this.
63 and out of a marriage with a narcissist for over 3 yrs----after over 30yrs of being married---ive done a lot of work on myself and it is still hard to get past the issues and pain of the past. I still have that knee-jerk reaction to men that they are trying to get one over on me. I really do want to date again, but fear my own insecurities will get in the way.
62 here and 36 years sleeping with the enemy. Free no contact and single 7 years
I gave up once I learned how to identify narcissism and realized that it's plagued my entire life, and there are so many narcs out there that you can't spin around blindfolded, stop, and throw a stone without hitting one. Ignorants think that victims "attract" narcissists, but that's just victim-blaming. Nothing wrong with being a kind person! The blame is theirs, for *choosing* to be horrible! In any event, they're everywhere, it's hard to meet people who don't have some hidden agenda, and I like my life the way it is anyway, so there's no good reason to change a thing about it, including adding someone new into it!
Hear hear!
Amen. Agree.
Are you me? You literally repeated exactly what I tell my friends every single week.
I feel the same way!
Yes, wholeheartedly agree.
After reading the comments on here, it’s refreshing to know that my lack of trust is real and it happens to a lot of survivors.
My malignant narcissist husband passed 11 years ago today (after 30 yrs together) and I have not and never will date again. I'm way too content and happy to be alone. It hasn't even crossed my mind. I feel blessed. Life is good and whatever I wish it to be. I have good longtime friends and a darling spoiled dog. That is enough.
It was a disaster. Ended up dating an even worse narcissist. I’m in month 9 of my year “no dating” and I am honestly not sure even a year will be enough. I am really enjoying my own journey and self-discovery!
It's a chaotic and disturbing experience..
The reality is.opposites repel each other.
Recognize, nothing is wrong with you, and you got out! No contact is empowerment!
I know how you feel. I did the same. Divorced a narcissist and got into a worse one. And now I feel like I’ve picked up a lot of bad tendencies. I won’t date anyone until I know I won’t cause the damage that I suffered.
@@KLYRSX I would have never decided to take this past year off of dating without Dr. Ramani’s very wise and thoughtful advice. When I first heard her say it, I thought to myself, “there’s no way I can do that.” But now, I realize I wouldn’t have the clarity that I’ve found in the process had I not taken that time. I am still in no rush to date or meet new people or explore new friendships, even. I feel like the world has changed… or maybe my perception of the world has become more clear. Either way, I am reminded of the wise words my ballet teacher said all the time when I was little, “all you need in this world is one true friend.” She was so right. Maybe, just maybe, the best friend we have right now is ourselves. After narc abuse, having our own back is empowering and necessary. Sending you much love and light on your post-narc journey! ❤️
@@sherriflemming3218 Amen to that!!
I understand. You also realize eventually that you are also mourning the mask they put on to you. The good side. Trauma bonding sucks.
There is absolutely no way I am ever getting into another romantic relationship. I would rather just hang out with my dog than go down that road again. No one is ever going to interrupt my peace again.
Hey Robin, I feel the same exact way, and that makes it difficult. Do you think there’s hope/a chance that we would ever be able to find peace in a relationship without a narcissistic individual?
Honestly, I have no desire to get into another relationship.
@@SolamoroI personally think so
Same thoughts😢
In AA, we say,"My picker is broke." It means we continually choose the wrong people. I now value my safe, quiet, peaceful personal life. I refuse to compromise it for anyone, whether that's family, friend, neighbor, coworker, or future significant other. I see the red flags now, and don't excuse them away anymore.
@angelacahill9460 - well said! That's exactly how I feel.
My options have narrowed significantly. I can see narcissists quicker and get out of relationships faster as I get to know them. Most importantly, I'm happy by myself, so I'm more discerning. I like my peace🥰 Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your role in my healing journey❤️❤️❤️
You do eventually start to see the signs. 👏👏 I'm finally there too!
@@Saraflowerk I'm glad😊❤️
I was with a covert narc for nearly ten years. I spent more than two years educating myself and working through the trauma so I could avoid the same traps. Ended up briefly dating a more grandiose style narc, which was upsetting but also told me that I COULD walk away, I didn't have to stay in a manipulative situation again. Five years after leaving the covert narc, I'm with someone wonderful who shows appreciation for me and loves me.
Wonderful ❤❤❤
How long have been with this one?
I would be afraid.
@@junglelee1765 It's been more than two years now. If a narc mask was there, it would have slipped by now.
@@RoseThePhoenix Good luck!
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🙏🏼
I suffered from terrible PTSD after escaping from a narcissistic boyfriend of only a little over a year. It took another two years and lots of therapy just to start dating again.
I had just got over PTSD then found myself in a covert narcissist relationship 👍👌🇬🇧
Same boat. These narcs are running wild.
End times with these lovers of self.
@seanharrison6437 exact same thing I did. I've now finally learned!
@@sharicoburn5475 this lady on this site is amazing everything I’ve been through meets up to everything my ex has done to me
Yup. I’m single again for almost 2 years after 2 years of narc relationship. I had no idea what had happened until I was free from him and aim to understand all that happened. And then finally makes sense especially after a deep look at his parents. It was spot on!
I got lucky, I think. My ex messed me up really badly, and I was still stuck living with her for years afterward. I'd made peace with being alone, said to myself I was fine being single for the rest of my life. During that time I did a lot of soul-searching about my codependency issues and made personal rules about all the ways I would never let myself be treated again, not by anyone. Then I started working with someone on a trans advocacy project, and over the course of a year doing that work we fell for each other. We've been married for a few years now, and I still am in awe that our relationship is as healthy as it is.
👏👏🥂
After an almost six year long relationship with a narc, I totally understand your advice! I haven't dated again after a year and three months. A friend of mine came over last night and I felt happiness just dancing to 1960s and 1980s music. I felt like my old self again and hadn't danced in a while because of feeling like a broken soul. I'm moving back to my hometown to start over and get away. There's still that shadow of the narc hovering.
I’m right behind you! Same 6 years. Tempted to go back to my hometown.
I just left a 6 year relationship, almost a year ago, and feeling the same as you. Although my ex narc is living in my home town so I moved a town away, trying to create a new life and heal without toxicity. It's challenging sometimes as I have 3 toddlers that I had with him, 2, 3, and 4 yrs old, I was living in a false reality and being gaslighted and abused on the daily, all through my pregancies and my babies had to witness a great deal but once they were terrified of their father and I was also terrified, thats when I made my secret plan to flee.. but now we are far better off than where we were or would have been if we stayed, and that is comforting enough than any fear of the unknown in my new life.
Am contemplating this also, but fear my home area has cons I didn't experience when I was there ages ago. Under exterior, seems every city dealing with wicked Fentanyl crisis. Housing crisis. I feel afraid to make any move right now, altho Fg n is at the job and in the neighborhood. With the nc order, I have some semblance of safety, but it's really hard, just out 5 mos. Am learning how to spot all the n's at work tho!!
Namaste, Warriors!
Single since 5 years and now trying dating to not think he will be the same. It is taking me a lot of courage to just go out there.
I have no desire to ever give up the freedom I have found since leaving my narcissistic husband. It's changed the way that I see men, especially if they have anything in common with my husband.
After everything they did to you, it will be difficult for you to trust again. You may feel like you don’t want to open up to anyone. As though anything you say will be used against you again. It’s like you’re always on edge, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Absolutely true, I am 6 years on after 25 years of abuse and still can't face dating. Done the flirting bit successfully but cannot consider a relationship or even a date.
i watch your videos and can feel the emotions you're giving.
we all need just time. and accept what happend.
everyone that hurt you is going to pay the price if you faced your own dark side :)
Always 😢
Hitting me right where I am, Dr Ramani. It’s been a nightmare. I don’t trust anyone. It’s been more than 4 years. I ended up finding another narcissist, and he fooled me by being “nicer” than my ex husband. I really hate it
So true. I'm hyper vigilant now. Looking for things that aren't even there. Not sure I will or can date now.
Truly hoping you can find your strength in solitude. There is so much we can discover about ourselves when we are left with no one else. It's hard, and scary, it takes patience. The reward is worth it. Take back your power. Peace be with you.
That's what throws me; the different narcissist 'types.' After three years in a crazy relationship with someone I initially thought was a codependent, having suffered at the hand of his ex and some childhood hardship, I realized he was the narcissist...but the 'nice guy' kind, which was new to me. At first, it felt like my healthiest relationship yet.
Then, I realized I'm not as healed as I thought I was. I ended things in early 2021. .
While a part of me will always crave a warm, loving relationship, I cannot bring myself to even contemplate dating much less being romantic with anyone else. And it's not because I feel 'tainted' or 'less than.' It's because I don't trust myself to discern, and tend to allow myself to get emotionally involved too quickly. My 'hero complex' kicks in, and I feel compelled to 'love them back to health.' Which never works. So I'd rather be alone at this point. The hassle is not worth any 'good' that comes from it.
I feel you
@@springBloomsinAwe Peace🙂
Going on 9 years without a relationship and hyper focused on raising my kids, now they are off to college. I've never been happier and have accepted my solitude. Meanwhile... my x/narc is running the gamete in front of our children, while having a great guy that loves her and active in our kids life, only to see her leaving him over and over again to use whatever she can to get more supply form other men. This guy was just like me, just waiting for more. Prayers for this man.They see a big difference in the attention I give to them compared with their mother. It is very sad. Waiting for someone to organically be introduced in my life...that will be the one, if there is one. Love deserves patience. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Beautifully said.. 😊
Sick
Self care is soooooo important ♥ Its helped in getting me through the PTSD that my Narc ex caused me. Like you, I hope that some nice person comes into my life organically. (Dating sites are chock full of NARCs!)
I relate. All the best and kind regards.
I'll be 9 years single on the 21st of this month, 19 years narc-free in december. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one in the world lol, everyone is constantly telling me to get on tinder or get out there and meet someone. Nah. Not for me.
When you've been chewed up and spat out by a narc, it makes you appreciate being alone a lot more!
Don’t date. Refrain from sexual distractions and learn who you really are. Daily Meditation is the key. You will realize your on the right path when all your old friends are gone and you’ve joined a better herd.
Very good advice! I'm here looking for it but this is probably the best advice, just concentrate on yourself and with time maybe let love come to you ❤
@@DannyLynch123 it’s lonely at the top but you’ll be I great company! Lol.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I'm learning meditation using my third eye. I'll focus on within x
When I met my ex-wife, she convinced me she'd been lied to and abused by her parents and her ex -- but that she was willing to try to learn to trust to be with me. Made me feel very special, to be the person she'd take that risk for. As soon as we were married, it turned out SHE was the narc, liar, abuser, and manipulator. When we split up, she had half of her yoga class in the house helping her move out, offering her places to stay, doing everything they could to help her escape her abusive husband.
So yeah, I have trust issues.
They really are copy & paste, always the same story (everyone abused them) and always actively working on portraying us as abusers as soon as we join their long list of enemies. The trust issues are real, but I think we can now trust ourselves more that we will see right through them from far away!
@@KAT-dg6el Well, my ex-wife would say what YOU just said! ;-) Yeah, narcs really do leave people with trust issues, don't they? My ex was a major narc who constantly diagnosed people around her as narcs. It was almost comical, how un-self-aware she was, never even realizing that constantly diagnosing people as narcissists flagged her to everyone as a narcissist.
@@KAT-dg6el After his reply, I know what to believe...
I dealt with a very similar issue. At the end of the day if you're asking yourself if you're there one who's narcissistic, paradoxically you probably aren't 😉. Either way, you know the true story, you have the message exchanges clearly demonstrating (hopefully), and true friends and loved ones will see the truth. Hold your love and peace, it's the greatest tool in your arsenal
I get it completely!
I do have.
But we can work on it....I give you more strength
I've essentially ruled out getting into the dating arena (period). Have no interest or desire. I'm actually enjoying the solitude & independence in doing whatever “I choose to do”❕❕❕❕
I have no interest in online dating, not sure about dating the natural way. Being autistic means that I may miss cues. Need to get out of y parents house first. Then live my life single for a while before I will even consider dating. Dr. Ramani said to wait at least a year before getting into any relationship and I assume family can count as a narcissistic relationship as well.
Yes the pressure 🤦♀️ The first week I was single a friend tried to set me up on a blind date! I politely told her no. Since then I’ve turned down several people who have asked me out. I’m not ready. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. Then the pressure from them like, don’t you at least want some companionship? I tell them I have dogs, I’m good! My whole life I have taken care of everyone else. My children, my exes, and now it’s time for me to take care of ME. Figuring out who I even am after several narcissistic relationships over my lifetime. Having to take on their likes, their friends, and loose my own. I’m just not doing that to myself again. I’m taking time to rediscover myself and to heal. So far so good and the peace and quiet is amazing! I’m into month 11, and just celebrated my first birthday single and that someone didn’t ruin for me!
😢December 2022 I finally had the mental strength to leave a 12 year Narcissistic cohabitating relationship. It's scary and exhausting to even think about the vetting process of dating. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.
Take your time to recover and find yourself back. I didn't even Think of dating the first 4 or 5 years.
12 years is rough. I pray for good to come your way and healing 🙏 I suck at vetting. I ignore all the signs 😅😭
13 years here and in my 50s! Being alone doesnt sound bad when It was so hard to get rid of the last one. Easy to get into one of these relationships, yet so darn hard to get out
It took me 2 and half years to be ready. I tried earlier but was too hurt, everything fluffed my feathers. Everything seemed like a red flag. I'm in a relationship with a normal now and feels so rewarding.
Frankly, I am too "frightened " to even try to date and it's been 11 years...plus no one has asked me. I am the ice queen. I was married 37 years. And happy by myself. I would like a companion to do things with. But not enough to look. I am of the age where I wait for " him to find me" . I have trolled the dating sites, but so far only found trolls, scammers, or players. It's amazing how many "good", married, Christian men have propositioned me! Nope.
I can so relate to your comment about married men. It grosses me out that some of my friends and neighbors husband's think they can flirt with me. It is mild to moderate but they never did it when I was married, and it makes me feel so darned awkward, and form such a negative opinion of them. I just want to tell them, leave me the hell alone. Be flirty to your wife, who is MY friend!
3 years without any dating. I met the narcissist after the psychopath. I knew all about Trauma bonding. Still. I fell into the trap, with the covert narcissist. Although, I saw lots of red flags. I tried to set bounderies. But the covert style is something.
It is quite something alright.
Yeah I noticed even after taking long breaks and therapy I still kept meeting narcissists. Eventually you learn to spot the signs but man it's rough when you seem to attract only them.
Oh yes ma'am!!! The Bible says of all the creatures in the garden the serpent was the MOST CUNNING!
THEY are sneaky as hell and the abuse is so subtle.
Look for inconsistencies and find the pattern in their bad behavior.
Dang. I also had a narc relationship after a 8 years psychopath relationship. It was my dark time.
I met my late husband 6 months after my divorce from the narcissist. The trust issues were HUGE!! I sabatoged this relationship at the 6 month mark and we were apart for 6 months. Was blessed to repair the damage I caused with my mistrust and we ultimately married 2 years later. Our marriage was such a blessing to me. He died 7 months after the wedding from sudden cardiac arrest. My biggest regret was the 6 month "break" because of my trust issues... it robbed us of 6 precious months we could have had together.
I am so sorry for your loss
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤
You had your reason. Don't blame yourself. Treasure what you had not what didn't have
Thank you for posting. Most other comments make me feel like I’m going to finish my days alone. I so don’t want that. If ever I meet a wonderful non narcissistic person I’ll be very careful to not sabotage the relationship.
I’m glad you both worked it out in the end I only wish you had more time together 😢
beautiful. so true@@springBloomsinAwe
I believe Dr. Ramani is truly saving humanity. Thank you ❤❤❤
She is♥️
Hear Hear!!!
Very dangerous to think like that. I do sympathise with Ramani to an extend but don’t let her rule your world. Stay in control of your own life.
She deserves some kind of award for humanity!
@@markomeker7789 no, she doesn’t. She is destroying people’s lives by breaking apart relationships.
I’ve started seeing the most amazing, supportive, wonderful, loving, compassionate, funny, intelligent man I’ve ever met and who I never knew could have possibly existed. The stark difference between how he treats me and what I’m used to is a form of trauma itself and I’m in therapy now. Imagine that, a narcissist damaged me so badly that I have to pursue terrapin order to deal with actually being a healthy relationship
I hope he is genuine and not faking.. time will reveal.. hugs.
The problem with telling someone to "get back on the horse" after a narcissistic relationship is that they've basically got brain "damage" (not actual damage per se, just unhealthy thinking). They need support and healing, not a pep talk.
I'm happy as a single person and I have friends who are safe to be around who understand me. Setting boundaries about who I spend my time with is really important to me right now. Healing slowly. I absolutely despise online dating!
I felt so bad for my new man…he is a saint. After a few years of being out of the relationship with the narcissist I still had so much hesitation. I will tell you though, once I let my self settle in, I had no idea that I can be valued and loved. How a kiss and a hug good bye is nice, and at night before bed. A thank you for any little thing I do out of normal kindness goes miles. I feel like I’m back to myself, the normal woman I love and that can love others.
Its 2 years in November since I went no contact. Friends have tried to hook me up, they don't understand that I have no interest in being in another relationship. I guess that the bad experience makes me shy away from " giving" again. I actually feel comfortable being on my own, its peaceful, not stressfull, just peace and quiet...
take your time. I’m getting to that point too
I swear it’s so hard to date after my last relationship. It’s been a year and I’m so guarded. I see everything as a red flag. I feel like I’m never going to find a great partner
After a 27 year marriage to a narc and two more narc relationships I’ve taken several years off because *I* am the common denominator. I go out as friends and observe a lot. I’ve throttled that attraction to the new person. I’m vigilant.
this is me. I'm learning to trust again-including trusting myself
40 years, 3/4’s of a life. Frozen down. I wish all of us health and lives without chaos and confusion.
I said to myself I was never going to get involved with someone again after I got out of my abusive relationship. My guy friend of 13 years became my rock to lean on; he was there for me and my daughter, gave us a feeling of warmth, safety and a reason to laugh again. About a year after the relationship ended, we talked about dating since we had feelings for each other for so many years. We haven't exactly put pen to paper on that, but we have initiated an intimate relationship. But I've noticed where I thought I was healing, I still have a lot of my old doubts and insecurities creeping back into my mind and I'm constantly questioning whether or not he truly loves me. And sometimes I honestly feel like I'm too damaged for a healthy relationship and I'm better off alone.
Yeah, I'd be really careful about that. Some men will "wait in the wings" for as long as it takes for you to end another relationship then slip up and start dating them, when the truth is, they're just as bad and are playing what they believe your game is until they have you hooked. Here's a clue: if he's willing to sleep with you when you're not married, he'll sleep with anyone he's not married to. Think long and hard about that...
@@justrosy5 now here's my thing - I don't put any stock in this " waiting till marriage " for sex. A woman has to decide for herself where her virtue and self-worth lies, not what society says nor what's between her legs. Don't get it twisted. As I said apparently I still have a lot of work to do, because he's never really given me a reason not to believe him or trust him. And when we have miscommunicated or argued, we've talked about it like adults. So my statement in this whole thing is apparently I have a lot more work to do before I think about committing to any kind of relationship. He has been there to fulfill that natural human need for me for comfort for closeness affection, and done so willingly without expecting anything in return other than the same. Perhaps I'm just reading too much into a good situation and trying to make more out of it than it is.
@@BonzoGal1980you are right in taking your time. Overthinking is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes your body knows something that your mind can't put in words.
And if he is with you even after knowing your fears and pre-conditions, maybe he will prove to be a lifetime companion.
Just in case he changes even after all that vetting, you know to step back.
You got this. ❤
@@KAT-dg6elI agree with that .
I understand. I hope that you can accept real love if it's come into your life. ❤ You deserve it!
Thank you Dr Ramani, this is very reassuring. I'm 6 months out of a relationship with a covert narcissist that also ended very badly and dating is the last thing I'm thinking about. It's almost frustrating that people keep pushing the idea of meeting someone and asking about dating. I finally breathe freely again, I want to focus on therapy and finding myself again and I'm enjoying the freedom. Now I will be shutting it down with 'Dr Ramani said a year minimum, so ask me again in 2!'😂
I am so grateful to live in this internet era, I don't know how people survived before from narcissistic relationships without having the access to knowledge like this. Your videos have been helping me to understand and heal so much. Thank you for what you give out to the world 🥰
Great subject matter! I tried to date, I was honestly terrified. Met a very nice man, went on several dates after roughly 2 months of sex free dating - I just could not do it, which was unfair to him. We parted in a friendly way, but it validated for me that I liked my new life, just don’t want to do it. I waited 1 1/2 yrs, but the terror I experienced was not worth it. I am not closed to it in the future, but certainly not looking for it. I should add I was in a 20 yr marriage with a Narc.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
Not going back out! You have helped me see the patterns of abusive relationships since childhood. I am done. I need to find myself first.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 28yrs! I have been free for 3 years and I am getting to know myself and I LOVE ME‼️I was afraid to love again, but I think I’m ready for a great relationship now. My discernment is in full effect🥰
"Cant live on a Rollercoaster". Love that! I now realize she was in party mode when i met her as her bf had dumped her and she was looking for distraction.
You go girl! Keep running from your problems.
Its difficult for the folks who are ready to date and then they get dissappointed because the other feels triggered by something and vanishes
I am happy…divorced 2 years after 8 years married to Narc. I am enjoying my life..my friends and my own company. I have no interest in having the burden of a relationship 🤷🏽♀️😊
I was raised by narcs and married to a covert narc for 48 years...gosh, how did that happen???? (Hindsight is 20-20) The first three men I dated were so much like my late husband. I was the one who broke it off with all of them because I wised up. I took two years off from dating and I've started again. I'm glad I took the time off. First of all, I see that dating doesn't mean I have to be with him forever. It's nice to have companionship when going out to dinner and watching a movie. Secondly, my narc radar is more finely tuned. I realize I'm entitled to have some happiness in the deal. Will I find MR PERFECT -I doubt it. But when I go out now, I can genuinely have some fun and not feel I need to be giving all the time.
It's three years this month since mine and my children's brutal discard... He turned up with a new partner within 3 months and moved in with her and her children within the year. It was nearly 8 years that we had been together, babies, house, engaged... I had a complete breakdown (I had had one in the last two years of the relationship too).
I was strong, sociable and happy before I met him and was an angry, afraid, anxious mess when he disappeared.
I am only just at the point where I feel I can date anyone in any healthy way, the last three years has been about me and my children and I'm so glad that I took this time. My kids are thriving and I'm nearly back to who I was when I met him. I have used the knowledge you have given me Dr Ramani, thank so much, you saved me. And the next person I date will be so lucky to have me and I'll make sure that me and my kids are lucky to have them 🥰❤️
I would love to see a part 2 on this topic for those who aren't coping with a bad ex, but a family of origin who saw (romantic) relationships a threat to their dominance, smear campaign narrative and coercion.
I find myself being a lot more closed off and reserved after my relationship with my ex. Not just for dating but with regards to meeting new people (friends) and even with my current friends. It's been a real struggle because I know I need to open up but all I see is it going horrible just like with my ex
I relate to what you wrote.
Same. People message me out of the blue and I'm instantly wondering what their intentions are and if they've been sent by the narc. I'm suspicious of everyone now.
Married 26 years , horrible last 5 years due to sons mental health struggles which intensified husbands narcissistic qualities (which I did not know how to label until now).
If/when we separate I would never ever date again. I lost too much of my spirit /soul and wouldn't chance give it up for anyone ever again. I need peace in my soul rather than distraction of a companion😮. Right now I'm a holding my boundaries and ignore him
You could get to know if your narcissist partner is cheating or having an affair with someone else by just discreetly spying on their calls, socials,and locations and "Shadowbyte7" can help with that and he's reliable
I've had nothing but narcissistic relationships...narc cult family and then 32 years of narc marriage. Three months ago I finally became narc free. While I would love to be in a healthy relationship I know I'm not healthy enough yet to be in one. I won't settle for less.
10 years here. I just can't unsee what I have seen once I understand the whole narc dynamics. I just gave up and prefer to be alone, even in friendships. We need to be BAMFie and that's what I stated on a dog tag to celebrate my 50th. Celebrate me and my strength without forgetting my kindness.
I resonate. Was pushed into a naccistic relationship by friends after previous traumatic relation. Was said you need to stop sulking and get over the grief, give him a chance. Worst chance I ever took.
No I can't trust anyone.
It's been two years now since I got out of my marriage to a narcissist, but I am still very nervous about the dating process. I spent the first year trying to recover, and in the second year I wanted to but I ran into some financial difficulties, and I found my self confidence had been eroded tremendously. I'm still dealing with those insecurities, and of course the fear of getting involved with someone like that again.
In the end I only had 2 friends - one she cheated on me with and the other manipulated me to her advantage. In desperation, a friend tipped me off that she was a narcissist. In the first year I had a few desperate dates - nice but with no future. After 18 months I met my new partner... In a few hours and weeks I felt more closeness, trust and affection than in 20 years of relationship with the narcissist. Now its 15 months that we are together and its still amazing. Thank you Dr Ramani, you helped me a lot.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! This video showed up in perfect timing. I was wondering why I felt so stand-offish when someone contacted me. I knew I had my walls up. I am scared. I just say, please don’t push me. I want to take it slow.
I fell like I turned cartwheels for the narcissist and I’m tired. This video gave me clarity on how I’m feeling and what to do. Thank you! ♥️♥️♥️
Ugh. I waited. I’ve been divorced for 18 years. I have had several short relationships and generally found that even if I was ready to date, my court ordered custody arrangement with the narcissist made me crazy until the youngest turned 18 and then some. I really didn’t want a blended family and the opportunities to find Mr Right after Mr Me when Mr Me never went away because get this - he owns time - at least the kids’ time. So I spent the last 18 years doing 100% of the parenting in 66% of the time. Before the divorce, i did 100% of the parenting in 100% of the time. In 18 years, I never met anyone who could handle my custody sh!t show. I’m 50+, now. My 18 and 22 year old kids have never seen a healthy relationship and I really don’t know where to re-enter dating - which I never liked as an introvert, but still harbor delusions that my adult children might learn from a healthy relationship though they’ve never seen one. Sigh.
This is timely! I’m nearly two years out and haven’t dated or hooked up with anyone in that time. I recently thought I might be ready to try dating again, made an account on one app, and hit a huge wall of anxiety after 3 days. So I hit the “take a break” button and don’t plan on reactivating it for the time being. I actually enjoy being on my own now. There’s no rush.
I don't feel I have another relationship in me. The last one, again a narcissistic one, kinda broke me entirely. Broke my trust and my believe in someone that I felt was special and important to me at first. I held on to her through the entire rollercoaster ride until I let go. Even though love has been still there on my side.
All of this shattered something inside of me and I don't think this can ever be whole again.
Life went on but this part of me, the shattered place is still there. I cannot build up trust again. I know it. I feel it.
Even though it is sad because I've ever wanted to be married and to built up a good life with a significant other. I kinda feel I have to bury that, too.
That's why their disease is not only physically it's spiritual these creatures are driven by evil
I honestly can't find words to make you feel better but I pray you recover and be happy even by your own nothing wrong being alone and happy
But I hope you take steps to get out from that since you wanted to have family don't rush it but work on yourself pray praying have good effect
Try to do some of your hobbies join gym do some light exercises it's helpful and go to beautiful places it helps recovering I was in 1 year relationship it took me more than a year to recover I have been there I couldn't trust and couldn't be myself I sometimes feel I'm blessed to back to myself and recover even sometimes I remember what I have been through but I know it's just past . I hope this make you feel better
After Being With Narc My Peace Is Priceless
After 10 years of being in narcissistic relationship and then getting discarded by him cheating on me in the sneakiest way, even one year hasn’t been enough; especially I still haven’t been able to move out of the same house and have to watch him bring the new girlfriend over. I have been trying to date but I still feel emotionally exhausted. I just can’t trust what people show me they are. I keep getting mixed surprises by how people react to my kind gestures or even shortcomings. It’s refreshing. It’s therapeutic
How sad for most of us. A 2 year marriage, divorce & raised my son on my own, alone. Finally after my son is out, on his own, I have a live in boyfriend for almost 2 years. He was as bad as the first. They are so good at lying. Both lasted over a year before dropping the mask. I'm finally not bending on my boundaries. Not sure it will ever happen for me... Thank you for validating our fear & pain. Even my friends don't get it because they never saw him behave badly. I shouldn't have such hate for him, just because it didn't work out. WTF... It can feel so alone. Thank you!
You’ve got the wrong friends 🤨😣. If they don’t believe your experiences.. validate them..? What!? You don’t need that kind of people in your life.
I’m so sorry.. I hope you’ll make better friends.
ALWAYS better to be alone and happy then to be with any narcissist!. Sometimes you also have to lose the so called friends!!. Get rid of all of the rubbish x
@@tonihannah8480 agreed!
The concept of feeling safe with another person is very important. When I think back on every narcissistic relationship
that I let go on for far too long because I didn't yet understand it, feeling safe didn't come to mind at all. Instead, what came to my mind in the moment, I'm embarrassed to admit, was, hopefully my behavior will be well received by them. With both of them, as soon as I stopped thinking or worrying about what they thought of me, they dropped off easily enough without much effort on my part! There weren't fights or arguments, just a loss of interest for both of us. it was a soft landing!
I was in a narcissist relationship for 2 years I put an end to it in early 2020 and took a few years to heal myself and I started back dating in late 2022 and I live with my girlfriend and she's been very good to me ❤️
One thing great about being in my 70's: no longer interested and no longer interesting to men. It's a wonderful boundary, and protection being an older woman and I love it!
Well I was married 16 years I guess I need a 16 year break from dating 😂. But seriously once I got away from him I felt like I’d never want to date again. I didn’t want to take a chance on ever ending up stuck in something like that again. I still don’t think I want to marry again.
This time with myself has given me a chance to remember all the things I loved before I met him; hobbies, health and fitness, reading, going out to restaurants and movies. All things that are seemingly simple that became some big drama when I was with him.
You just have to go deep & heal your inner child. There is no getting away from it if you want to avoid the same mistake. It can be done, although it is (in my case) tough. My gawd, I was surrounded by these extremely broken people.
Shout out (again) to Dr Ramani - Dr Carter - Andrew in CR - Narc con - DSD. I’m so grateful to these wonderful people.
I've been 10 years in a relationship with a malignant narcissist and I've spent the last 5 years without accepting a single date. After all those years spent with a person that claimed to love me while actively trying to destroy my life on every possible level, I was left with a deep distrust towards people in general and romantic relationships in particular. I feel much better now, but not enough to risk again. It has been simply too much, to the point I'm glad I came out of it still alive. Yes, I'm still young, but I'm ok with the idea of being single for the rest of my life.
I tried twice and they both ended up being narcissists. That was 10 years ago! I’m a magnet to narcissists! I am grateful to you for educating me Dr Ramani, but at 69, I love my life being single for a change!
Great video Dr. Ramani. I definitely will not let myself get rushed into a relationship again. I will trust my instincts and use discernment like I did before my last relationship.
I'm just 25 and at this point I feel like I'll be alone forever post the break-up with my narcissistic ex around a year ago. Although the thought of a life alone is sad, it's also really peaceful and I'm actually happy with myself. The break-up acted as a turning point for me as I began to examine my entire life and all the decisions I've ever made. Despite the ugliness, I'm glad I found myself.
I'm taking up roller skating again. Doing fun things for my single self.
Would love to find brave single people to skate with. All levels of experience. Not giving away myself to someone who doesn't deserve me. Been there, done that.
25 years. He died. It has been a year. I can't believe how happy I am. It did take a hot minute to get my self confidence back and it does feel odd being happy for reasons other than my significant other validates me or happiness that comes from a place other than him "forgiving" me.
It's not often they do us a favour by dying :D
I feel bad not watching your videos these days (as I want to support your outstanding work! 🌟), but it's because I'm doing so much better!! You have been pivotal in my journey as a csa victim from a narcissistic, well-respected family with all sorts of untreated mental illness.
Thank you again and I will be back next time I need a guiding light in the darkness 🌌❤
After a year and half of being happily in control of most aspects of my life after the breakup, I am not sure if I even want to date again.
I was in this relationship for 7 years. My only goal right now is to keep my children to myself. I just want to go out. No relationship. Dating WITHOUT purpose...I don't want a husband, a boyfriend, none of that. I just want to go to dinner and have good conversation with someone who is whole and emotionally stable.
I've gone no contact and still she's like human crazy glue. I won't fall for the hoover. I gave this relationship my all and lost so much. I'm so burnt out and the very thought of dipping my toe back in that dating pool makes my stomach hurt.
Human crazy glue....best descriptive of what it is like to be in a narcissistic relationship that I have ever heard!❤😂
@@Rut-vi7iz I got it from that movie, "What about Bob". Lots of parallels to a Narc relationship.
@@Anamericanhomestead I will have to check it out, thanks! All the best to you.😊
I’m glad to hear you say “grieve” because that’s the phase I’m in now. I wish I could control my dreams too.
It is so hard not to be hateful and angry when surrounded by narcissists, thank you for this video, would love to join your healing program. Definitely would choose a safe lover over an exciting or challenging one, as I already have enough tattoos and traumatic brain injuries. LOL. Just trying not to see evil in the eyes of the world. Your words, your laughter, and your smiles let me see a little light. Bless, and Thank You!
I'm at peace being alone. After 18 year relationship plus 7 years of healing and no contact I'm emotionally exhausted. I have no desire to date. Also I don't want to explain my last relationship and be looked at like stupid or crazy. I don't want the judgment. I'm not willing to risk my peace of mind for a new relationship
I was married for 37 yrs. He had a second affair, that I know of. I divorced him. Got into therapy, which included your videos, for 3 years. Thank you.
I let myself decide to speak to men with the intention of dating.
I have been in a relationship for 5 months. He is normal. I do get triggered, he gives me space. Sometimes I share the trigger, sometimes not. He and I have both been cheated on. We are gentle with each other in the trust area. We're taking our time because we really want this to work in a healthy way.
Thank you for your wonderful videos!! Couldn't have come this far in my healing without you. God bless you, my Dear!
Dr Ramani is like a kind, wise aunt giving life guidance.
This is so insightful, as always, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much. I went back on the dating world 6 months after ending my 4 years engagement with the narc. Even though I didn’t feel completely ready, I was anxious to test the waters with a few casual dates here and there. I was having so much fun, kind of recovering my mojo until I met a guy that hit differently and at first I was scared I’d be trauma bonded just for accepting having a second and third dates. Well, long story short, he is not a narcissist whatsoever, but he definitely has an avoidant or fearful attachment style and of course, we are not together anymore. The first time he pulled away, I had no mercy, I wanted to set things straight and he freaked out, of course. The silver lining is that I realized how damaged I was from the narc relationship. How scared, and afraid of everything I was, despite how solid and stable my new partner was. Also I learned that a part of me is still looking for unavailable men. Hopefully next time will be better! ❤
I simply never dated again. It’s been 15 years and I won’t ever do it again
Thank you so much for this!!!! It has been a year and friends with good intensions have been pushing me into dating and I am not ready. ❤
Been out of my 23 year relationship with my narc for 2 years and dating or even contemplating is a nightmare. I barely trust myself let alone anyone else - however, I have hope.
I haven’t met anyone after my narcissistic ex spouse. I have only had two partners and both were narcs. So was my childhood living with narcs hence how i ended up with more. Been single 6 years and its a long time to be totally alone. I travel etc but only narcs or other men like that have been attracted to me and i run a mile. Would be nice to meet a normal, honest man who genuinely wants to date me.
Going on 8 years since my last relationship. I haven't had a relationship since and only went out for a couple coffee dates. I haven't been interested in dating since 2018. I had a crush on a guy, but his friend bullied me for my abstinence values and that made me afraid to open up to anyone. It's lonely a lot of the time, but what is worse is the emotional pain I feel when I am around narcissistic men who don't understand my boundaries.
It’s been a year and three months since i got out of a 10 yr relationship. However, there was still a lot of contact, hoovering and manipulation.
One year off isn’t enough for me, I don’t know that I ever want to date again.
Relatable
I love being single now. I have such peace. 13 years with a narc damaged me so much.
After going through horrible relationships with narcs all my life I finally started avoiding people that don't feel safe to me, even lost some 'best' friends. It's a bit lonely but I feel way happier. Then my therapist insists that I'm being too negative and self isolating and should give people a second chance. Can't win 😂
Therapists are clueless and naïve IME
How long would I have to wait after my narcisstic mother did quite a job on me for 54 years when she died. I married two abusive men before she died, and now at 70, i don't feel ready.
So sad.
Thank you Dr. Armani for all you do. Wish I knew you long ago.
It's been 4 years for me. I don't have any interest in dating. No one peaks my interest. I'll know when the time is right. Their presence would have to feel better than my peaceful solitude. So far my peaceful solitude for the the win!
I'm still not ready and it has been more than three years. It doesn't bother me much since I'm good with being alone. My internal validation is spotty but growing.
I've had CPTSD for much longer than I have known I have it which I was in denial about even after diagnosis about 8 years ago until recently.
I've got about 5 years to go according to your rubric but I'm okay with not being in a relationship ever again. I'd rather be alone forever than spending just one more day in a relationship like that again.
I gave up on that years ago. Its just so much better being single. I ran a vacation rental for a decade. Couples were the main guests. What i witnessed were very few healthy couples.
I agree with a lot of these comments; I’ve never loved my own company more! That’s not a bad take-a-way 😊 4 years in a narcissistic relationship, 2 years single and couldn’t be happier 🎉
I got out of my 7 year relationship/ marriage to my narcissistic husband. I didn't wait a year, which I should have, but I had also realized I was much more attracted to women. I was very wary and dropped people the SECOND I felt that trauma belly feeling. Now I'm with the most amazing girlfriend I could ask for. They've never once made me feel unsafe or uncertain. But yea I'd think in general listen to the good doctors advice... I could have easily been sucked into another bad relationship. I just got lucky
I waited for six years after my the end of 27 year marriage with my narcissist husband, dated and fell in love with - guess what - a malignant narcissist. At least I realized quickly 🎉
Oh God.
27 years for me too, followed by, yep, another narcissist. I got out as soon as possible lol. Gotta figure out how to stop searching them out...🤔
I have absolutely no interest in dating thirteen years after my divorce from my abusive narcissistic husband. He beat me, once almost choking me to the point of passing out. He took all my money: Paychecks, retirement funds & even stole our children’s stock funds given by my parents. He abused my pets & threatened them. He told me I was worthless. He told me that I didn’t look like I did when I was thirty. This went on for thirty years. Now our daughter has turned against me & won’t speak to me, telling me “ I’m garbage.” Our youngest son is terrified that his father will disown him as he has our oldest son. I will never go back to this. I am much stronger now & I will survive
I don’t ever want to wonder why the individual who is suppose to love me is treating me unkindly ever again. I’ve had enough of that to last me a life time. Honestly. Out of a decade long relationship that cost more than I can describe. No thanks.