Agreed. There's also a wonderful person, Lise Leblanc. All these therapists describe my day as if they had access to some 'bodycam' and were watching it 24/7. Kinda scary at first, until you start to understand their actions are basically out of everyone's attempt at cohabitating in a healthy, respectful way. Is it really so much to ask for? Just saying🤷🏻♂️🧡🙏🏼
Within the first 10mins my jaw hit the floor. It was almost like he had been listening to my partner and the way she talks to me in our relationship. Thankyou for the enlightenment.......let the learning begin.
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Mine would tell me i said or did something. It became absurd. So then she would tell me that I would do or say things and when she brought it up I'd say i didn't say or do it. Im like because what your saying isn't even true. Trying to get me to second guess my reality. Well for starters I'm not the one that lied, cheated and stole and had been taking medications for 5 years. I always thought She use to be amazing until she started taking medication. The children always told me she was different when i wasn't there. At some point, i had to start believing them. They were right.
Not all narcissist refuse to admit that they're at fault. Narcissism is a pop psychology term to describe the manipulative behaviors that come with hundreds of different psychosis. Everybody is different. Some narcissists will admit fault to shut you up for a bit (especially if they're caught with proof) then set up a different gasligting situation. The best thing to do is setup hidden cameras so you have proof, because this person will manipulate you no matter what. People lie, cameras don't.
Bro's you are absolutely right, am in similar situation at this moment being trying everything to get her out my life but she's using my disabled son to gaslighting me.
You don't have to prove nothing to nobody !!!! Not even to yourself. ESPECIALLY to them gaslighters. Them gaslighters want a reason for everything only biased on their interests.
This type of abuse is not spoken enough. The damage is enormous and your up against a never winning battle, so protecting yourself, educating yourself, and seek professional help may be helpful
The insight I had recently about the narcissistic abuse I've experienced is that you can condense a lot of the abuse you experience down to three things 1) a lack of empathy/inconsistent empathy 2) when there is an argument or disagreement, they will turn away from you and pin blame rather than trying to understand your pain 3) their pattern of behaviour is fixed because they have what you might call is an emotional disability: they can't accept themselves and so they can never accept you. They will never change and you have to accept and grieve that loss. You have to then either eliminate them from your life/grey rock them or become so authentic and own your flaws and weaknesses so that they cannot trigger you to feed from you.
Thank you for this explanation, it makes sense. I’m still going through a lot at the 2 month mark of my break-up. But, things seem to get better as time passes.
I take responsibility for not trusting my intuition and ignoring the red flags mine only lasted 3 months. But I grew up with a narcissistic family. Never knew what a narcissist was till 3 years ago. I'm so glad or I would would go to my grave not knowing and having an explanation for my child hood
One sign to spot a narcissist very early on is to put a boundary on your time, they will disrespect it because they are looking to destroy your healthy boundaries.
Thank you for this insight, I have just come through the toughest time of my life, been to places so low I didn’t realise existed. I was an empty shell and I cried for days on end. I wanted her to take my hand and pull me back up but realised that wasn’t the answer. I got help from a therapist, a dr and two friends that still had time for me. I took strength from a friend who committed suicide, he couldn’t or didn’t shout for help.. I didn’t know that someone I loved and shared my life with for 19 years could systematically destroy me and I had no idea I was letting it happen. I’m not fixed, not by a long shot, but I can stand up straight, smile, sing and feel like a real person again. Not always but I will heal, I will not give up, I will find my way. I will educate myself more on this despicable disease and I need to understand and recover from my own trauma. My heart is with every single one of you who are dealing with narcissistic and toxic relationships . Please look after yourselves, you are important. Be strong. We can do this.🙏
I can attest to the value of giving yourself a year and working on yourself. I’ve not been single more than a month since I was 13 until now. It’s hard and it hurts like hell but you do have to love yourself enough to find you. I’ve been blessed with Gods grace to hold me through and so will you.
you might want to hit up a SLAA meeting ❤️ I've found it soooo helpful. I've also not been single since 13! It's not a sustainable task to recover from without community. It's taught me so much: for the first time I feel so capable.
@@daniellelindsey318 What is a SLAA meeting? I have a friend she's going through it. (She's a grandmother with narcissist daughter in law who's brainwashed her son) She doesn't have time so I send her. She would go to a meeting.
Wow!! I completely remember #10, and how sad it made me to have to explain EVERYTHING in advance in detail so it wouldn't trigger him! That was the main thing that gave me pause, and made me realize how unhappy I was. You are the only one that has ever talked about it!
That was some great Soul Food. I'm at that point where I pity those that were narcissistic towards me. I no longer allow them around me, it was and is the best for me. Some people will NEVER be allowed in my sandbox, and, there are now rules for entry. No longer will people be allowed to use it as their litter box. I've had enough of their $hit. What's been interesting is the role we play in this, that's been something I've been evaluating myself for awhile. It's been explained very articulate here. It's gives one the tools and thoughts to fix the issues one may be facing and coping with. It is a journey too. Thanks.
The silver tongued paper cuts…. That’s the weird thing I couldn’t put my finger on about why dealing with my mother was always so stressful, it’s like getting compliments and attacked at the same time! And the “blame shifting” was always “it was all your Dad’s fault”, never took responsibility for her own part. She’d offer to “help” me but if I ever got upset about her in any way, then she’d recite a list of every single time she’d helped me in my whole life. Result: total self-sufficiency, I will not accept any offers of help from her or anyone ever again because the price is always way too high! No contact brings me way more peace ☮️
A suggestion I have is to get to know yourself and the joy you can create in your life. Now that you know what you were going through it becomes easier to pick these people out. I had know idea how nieve I was when finding out about NPD and other personalities disorders. It rattled me too. There is so much that life has to offer including the loving people in it. You just have to sift through the sh't. Good luck!!❤
So spot on! It took me years to straighten out after a hideous upbringing. The hardest part was forgiveness and learning boundaries. Recently, I reconnected with one of my sisters. At first, it was nice! Then one by one, she exhibited ALL of what you say to a tee. I at least realized this within 3 months, and I have ended the relationship. I hold no anger towards her, and I hope she is doing well, but I have no interest in any more abuse. When you start feeling dread and obligation when interacting with the person, there is a real problem. And by the way, they have to have the last word. Let them have it and move on. Thanks for doing these!
Thank you. Same here. My sister and daughter. It’s been a tough few years trying to understand what’s going on, and now I’m feeling more peace. It’s the daughter relationship that has wounded me the most and never seeing my grandsons. One is holding my mother’s ashes hostage the other our grandsons. I’m not healed yet. But will keep learning from Kenny. Thank you Kenny!
Ever notice how the person who did you dirty is the one who wants to “forget the past”, and uses statements like “I didn’t start this you did (when they absolutely brought it up)”. Or blame you for their bad choices and poor decisions?!?!
Wow! #10...I've never heard it put that way, but I definitely engaged in that type of 'preemptive planning' in my last relationship....planning schedules, activities, etc, so that everything went smoothly. Planning how I would soothe him when things upset him. Carefully navigating through the daily maze of eggshells I had to walk on. I got really adept at these tasks, but suffered more and more from cognitive dissonance each day. When I finally reached my breaking point and ended up in therapy, day one - I stated I wanted to be a better person so he would be happy with me. My therapist sent me home to make a list of all the goals I wanted to accomplish - not just personal improvement, but general life goals. While making that list, the light came on...I was never going to accomplish these positive personal goals while still in the quagmire of a relationship with this covert narcissist. It wasn't all me. It wasn't all my fault. I started another list - of things he had said and done that made me feel at fault or not worthy. A little 'Googling' led me to a book that I read in one sitting and took to my next appointment - 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, by Adelyn Birch. He had successfully used 29 of the 30 on me. There was work to be done - on me - but not the kind he made me believe. And, if you've ever dealt with a covert narcissist, you'll know how easy it is to get ensnared in the spider's web. I left the relationshit within a few weeks, and began my journey of recovery, figuring out how I 'let' that happen, forgiving myself for my imperfections. I've focused a lot on recognizing and avoiding that type of person, which has really been empowering. Now, I'm ready to address root causes of my insecurities and codependence. I'm looking forward to checking out the resources offered here. Thank you, Kenny!
As always, I appreciate your message, Kenny. I am a little over 2 years removed from my narc ex. Every time I listen to you it makes me realize how mentally and emotionally debilitating it was to engage with this man on a daily basis. You really do start to feel like you're going crazy, yet you are not fully aware of why it is happening to you, much like the frog being cooked, slowly, in hot water. The only true solution to get away from narcissistic personality types is to develop a loving relationship with the self and your own divinity. I am still healing the relationship with myself as it is not an overnight process.One thing or sure, I am a hell of a lot better off than I was when I left him in the fall of 2020. It is professionals like you that assist us to heal, grow, and evolve. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom!
Remember who you ARE , Love. Not who you were. How do you be, how to you show up now for life? It's up to you who and what you decide to be from here in our. Choose from your higher self. Don't know who that is? Take a sheet of paper, divide it down the middle. On one side write down the traits you admire in someone. It can be more than one. It's that traits you want. On the other side, think of someone you loath. Write down those traits. Again it can be more than one person. What do you have then? You have your best side and your worst side. So are you living out of your best or worst side? Most people find they're kinda in the middle. You can choose to live up to that better side. It may take time to evolve into it, but it's so worth it. Then you know who you are. Bless-ed be, friend, I hope it works as it has for me and the people I have helped.
I feel like an important one was left out. "I did that because you did/said something mean/crazy." Or also, "That's not the order in which it happened". I'm recalling a specific instance with my very abusive ex where he was throwing my things out of my car into the street and after a few minutes of trying to put my stuff back in my car to no avail, I yelled for help. The next day he insisted that the reason he started throwing my things was BECAUSE I started yelling for help. It's been like 4 years and my blood is boiling right now telling this story. Another important thing to take note of is that they will often not address what you are complaining about at all, and instead immediately begin talking about something you did or said in the past. Example: "It really hurt me when you were throwing my things into the street." Response: "Last week you ignored my messages for 3 hours."
1. "You're being paranoid." 2. "That never happened." 3. "You're making that up." 4. "You have always been crazy." 5. "You're overreacting." 6. "I dont know what you want me to say." 7. "It's your fault." 8. "Everyone agrees with me." 9. "It was a joke. Cant you take a joke?" 10. "How dare you accuse me if doing that." 11. "Why cant you be more like (--)?" 12. "I cant have any negative emotions around you." 13. "There is something seriously wrong with you " 14. " Well, you're not perfect either." 15. "Stop exaggerating." 16. "Dont blame me, i never meant to hurt you." 17. "Lets just forgive and forget." 18. "Why are you always bringing up the past?" 19. "This is how you treat me, after everything I've done for you?" 20. "We already talked about this- dont you remember?" 21. "I think YOU need professional help."
So hard when it’s your parent! My dad has been a narcissist since childhood my mom and I have suffered his wrath for the span of the marriage and my entire life my mother just “passed” unexpectedly a week ago I believe mainly due to the stress my dad has put on her. Now I’m forced as an only adult child going through a divorce of my own narcissist spouse with no children of my own to help I’m having to deal with my dad ALONE! I made my escape by moving out 24 years ago leaving my mom there found refuge in my spouse in our own home only for that spouse to be another narcissist luckily I’m still under my own roof I have a safe place but I am looking after my dad ALONE! Set some boundaries which I couldn’t do growing up under his roof but it scary and stressful nonetheless! The number 10 I’ve been doing it for YEARS! KNOWING my dads reactions to things and worrying they’re gonna come before the do doing all I can to keep them from happening before they do! Funny how it’s always OK however if HE does these same things! GUESS I SHOULD be making videos like you said because I’ve lived this way at least 3/4 of my life! 💔
I understand exactly what you are saying! With me it is my 45 year old son, LIVING WITH ME, 71, Can't get him to move out either! Luckely I have a second son an embath, suffering like me! We go for walks, without him, so we can vent!
I think I have fallen in love with you !! - you have opened my eyes and managed it with kindness, humour, deep insight and care - and so much truth. Also, you realise that not everyone can afford therapy or get it in any way - in many countries it just is not available - so thank you thank you thank you for ever and ever. This knowledge could heal and prevent so many social problems and my one true wish would be that all of us - young and old - could understand ourselves, forgive ourselves and become positive instead of negative and learn how to grow and love properly. The lack of guidance that was provided by our elders is not apparent anymore and we need younger people to recognise and learn how to deal with relationshops that are damaging to mental health, and how to forgive but set bounderies and keep themselves safe. I would hope that someday schools and colleges could benefit from all the insight and wisdom that is slowly filtering into our brains via the internet and amazing people like you. Bless you.
Your #10 was explained so very well. My brain actually was crowded planning my offense, so I wouldn’t have to play the defense roll. I would think through the N’s predictable strategies that would likely play out, all in advance, so that I could avoid the traps! No C. became necessary for my mental liberty.
About the 21 phrases: if you turn the table, isn't it possible they can be used standing up to a narcissist. It might not be the most productive way if you want to mend a relationship , but it might be the beginning of a way out. I feel like some occasions call for these responses from anyone, to stand up for themself. Maybe the abusive part probably won't listen, but it might help to boost self-esteem enough to start on the path away.
The worst for me was « I’m sorry you feel that way » « It is what it is » and « I’m not looking to cheat »…every time he said those to me, and it was often, I would tell him « that’s an empty sentence, you are not being real ». He never got it, so I left.
I hope you're doing great ❤ Personally I found that by working on myself, I was still trying to prove my worth in some way or another. I realized I didn't need to do or work for anything, but just BEing myself IS ENOUGH 🥰
Spot on wow, I'm in total disbelief. I have been living in this toxicity for 15 yrs. I built upbenough courage to kick him out of home and changed the locks going no contact. I can finally see the abuse so clear now that he's gone. He was crushing my soul. Thank you for your videos Kenny
Thank you 1- DON'T BRAND SOMEBODY THAT THEIR NARCO ABUSER BECAUSE THEY SAID THAT ONCE , YOU ARE LOOKING FOR REPETITION . 2- IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL YET THEY DON'T SEE IT THEY SEE IT AS A SELF PROTECTION MECHANISM .
Thank you for helping me to see the tools that toxic people use to manipulate and control. It is important to know who we are dealing with and how to avoid being roped into their snares. I have experienced some of these before but have not always known how to handle myself in the right way.
"Are you questioning me?"/"don't question me?" "Worthless" "You know nothing" "what have you ever done in your life" "you think you're smarter than anybody else/ You just think you're better than everyone else"
Finding someone who understands like this in the UK is very hard. My mum was and is a narcissist, getting progressively worse as she grows older. No contact only option for me. Everything I do is fuel for her.
Your rare number 10 is one I've recently become more aware of with my own actions. I'm undiagnosed BPD W/ NPD traits. (Oddly enough, with all the years of therapy I've tried, neither has ever even been mentioned yet they're both extremely prevalent in my life.) It is a bitch to deal with on both ends. It's honestly one of the things I hate most about my toxic issues. Hopefully, as a tip from my perspective, one thing I ask I people in my life. Hold me accountable for my actions. Don't let them do it without at least talking about it and don't let them get away with it by sweeping it under the rug. I am not aware of everything that I do in how it affects others. If the person doing this to you does actually care about you. They will, eventually, take responsibility and work on it. If they don't, won't even acknowledge they do it. I'd suggest running as far as fast as you can.
28 years with mine. I've started to change things here and he can't stand it. my memory is different, so the gaslight doesn't work just stresses me out. for a long time i just thought he was that dumb to do the things he did or trying to make me go crazy but how could someone try that long to make someone go nuts.
They never apologize no matter what they did. It's always my fault, not theirs. The starting over as long as I behave we can get through this. He isolated me away from people. Now I have social anxiety. I was a extrovert now I am a introvert. I never want to leave the house even for work. I'm not with him, but remember what he said ...you know what you are ...go do what you do best Just a few
Just had someone attempt this gaslighting technique on me yesterday. In attempt to get what he wanted, he gaslit then cited his titles . I told him I didn't care if he was JC who came down from the heavens, disrespect would never be tolerated. Titles mean nothing to me. I treat everyone the same. Lol! He had nowhere to go. I told him to seek services elsewhere, as I could offer him nothing that would work in concert with the values he holds.
This is so interesting. After I left that abusive relationship, I was reading a book on abuse and I recall thinking, " Who the heck's been living in my house." How could so many of those statements been exactly what I'd heard, sometimes word for word. Three of the gaslighting statements you missed: "if you had only ....", If only you hadn't..." and one of the ones he used later in our marriage, "do you think maybe you're menopausal?"
He would always say I was always twisting things. My gut instinct told me to run the other way when I met him. I didn't listen. I spent 4 years in a relationship with him. He ended the relationship 6 months ago and I quietly walked away. I'm now moving on with my life.
Mr. Weiss, wonderful lecture!! So true, so clear. Love it! Love that purple suit. It goes so well hith your hair and eyes. Good choice. My older sister raised me after Mother died. She is "all of the above" and always has been, may always be one. She's still doing it. All the time I thought the rest of the family didn't want me, I found out they actually were trying to take me out of the situation. I learned to be strong. I have helped a lot of kids get through a tough upbringing from folks who were horrid parents. You describe it all so well!
It's as if you have been recording our conversations - - - I hear these comments on the regular. This is very helpful, I'm thankful for this valuable information.
In terms of changing the subject, I agree. However, a useful tool to break the rant is to make a physical gesture to break the 100 per cent concentration on the narcissist. Adjust your glasses. Blow your nose. Scratch your nose. Adjust your watch or piece of jewellery.
Omg! My mother!!! And...my last 2! partners 😢 I finally woke up when my psychologist pointed it out. I've chosen to continue online research & seeing my therapist as my recovery method. Knowledge is very much a powerful tool to have. Thank you for your teachings 🙏
You are describing my husband. He is exactly what you're saying. He does those things to me, Day in and day out constantly. That's crazy. He's vicious and he lies He's abusive but he tries to make himself look like the good guy to everyone else. The thing is he has no reason to be that way to me. It's awful. It's making me ill. Thanks for clarifying and describing to the t what I already knew.
Hello Kenny My good heavens spot on in everything have said. It's like a sniper shooting at you , you don't know when the next shot is to be fired or from which direction but you know it's coming. They may have had some trauma in their past, but dear Lord the cruelty is something else. I forgive as that's what I believe is correct but you start to shut down and it's a constant weathering the storm. I pity them ultimately. A sense of humour help's to survive but no accountability whatsoever from them and never will be. I am brought up a Catholic and believe what God puts together, man shall not take apart. I think this life / world is a training ground and our lives here is only one small part of the big picture. Thanks for your insight and knowledge and keep up the great work. Keep well and safe.
Priceless information from one who has been there, done that......I can totally relate and am really owning my childhood issues....at 63 yrs old, Yes, decades of repetitive behavior and same results.....Many thanks for painting an honest, raw picture with a gentle brush, so glad to have come across your channel Kenny! You are helping me and so many others!❤️
I love the sweet man you recover for all the abuse, I hope become a sweet better version of me soon too. Thank you for your videos. I was watching a lot of youtubers about this topic, but I feel comfortable with your energy, how do you present the facts, very clear, even my head is not, ...yet. thanks!
I just love you and thank you so much for sharing with humility and trusting us with your truth this has blown my mind and I am absolutely on the road to healing like never before now since finding your channel
Thanks you so much for this info...not until I was a life threatening event in my life( aortic dissection) Lucky to survive . Until my cardiologist told me this your second chance at life i decided to not put up being in a disfunctional state.
#8 he would write notes on his phone distorting the whole story on an argument we had saying all the bad things I said to him but he would omit what he said to me to have such reaction…. crazy
I came across your videos, and they have been such a blessing to me. I love it when you mentioned, " When you are less than perfect and you have issues, it is the best I can do with who I was at that time!!! We are constantly growing and learning, and it's so important for us to gibe ourselves grace when we end up in these situations that we never intended to end up in. ❤
Thank you for saying “We’ve all been abusive”. The words “They are a narcissistic person” is thrown around like candy anymore. Every week you hear someone labeled a narcissistic person. It’s like society has forgotten that there’s just shi**y people in the world. That’s it just terrible people who don’t need a “label”.
Agree. People running around calling themselves victims and other folks narcissists, gaslighters and abusers is the problem today. Pretty much the same as ranting on about imaginary White Privilege. Got problems? Fukin deal with it and leave normal people alone.
These people aren't just "shitty people" those people we encounter often or even daily! There is not enough education out there to deal with manipulating controlling narcissist! IMO! This is emotional abuse at its finest! Whether it's family, spouse or parent! Especially if this type abuse started at a young age into adulthood. I can't speak for grown adults who came across this type of individual but if they are in your family it's beyond difficult to deal or get out of without tremendous loss!
I broke up with someone with these toxic traits and I can see my role in the disfunctional dynamics. I still love him, but I don't blame or shame myself for loving anyone anymore. I've accepted that I am a loving person. That's just my nature and I like my heart open and not closed off anymore. I don't fear getting hurt by someone, but realise I'm really the only one that can hurt me with my thoughts and analysis. And the behaviors I keep up with. And because of my beliefs what their behavior says about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not okay with bad treatment anymore. I take my responsibility for this dynamic. So I can love someone from a distance perfectly fine. 😅 Because for me it feels like with me loving him I'm loving the hurt child in me as well. I can be compassionate for the both of us by not shutting off my heart. I can see that the good and the bad I see in others is a reflection of me ❤ That's what this taught me anyway. And that for me is very valuable. Of course all of this doesn't happen overnight, I'd like to add. Have been healing from a lot of trauma from narcissistic dynamics (family and relationships). But I've learned it all starts by showering yourself with self-compassion, allowing your light to shine bright and maintaining your boundaries.😊
This was my previous nurse practitioner. She'd say things and forget she'd say them on the next visit, and then tried to say I was making it up and that I was paranoid and crazy. She actually really tried to convince me that I was crazy, on multiple occasions. She was also very dismissive, and towards the end, very condescending. Unfortunately, because of covid I had to endure a couple more years of her BS and thank fuck that's over. 🙄 When you finally get to register with a new practitioner, they ask why you left your last practitioner, then the new practitioner is dismissive of what you have to say about the old one. That's the healthcare system in Canada in a nutshell.
if i have things not go well in my life I have people telling me- you must be doing something wrong if you always have conflicts with people, I was disowned by family, I was homeless- or i get told stop being a victim- no one can believe that I can be a good person and have bad things happen, Nowadays I don't want to share information about my past because people assume i'm bad
This lis might as well have ~Mom after each phrase. My mom has said every single one of those at some point. The "Why can't you be more like..." was probably the most common. My sister was her perfect little angel, and so I was never goodenough. A direct quote from my mother..."You have a funny way of looking at your childhood. You survived, didn't you?" I alread knew she is a communal narcisist though. This just helps me feel better about labelling her in that way.
In the last two years, before learning my spouse was a narcissist, I have told them they were crazy many times because to me denying truth when evidence is presented is crazy. As I have learned about narcissist, everything they do is crazy and meant to drive you crazy.
To a narcissist, you will never be enough. To a narcissist, you will never have enough of what they believe they deserve. And you, in a relationship with a narcissist, will keep giving till you eventually become empty…you then become a shell, a husk, of what you once were… and then they will desert you, because you, have nothing left to give them. Narcissists leave a trail of abandoned relationships, and those relationships are dovetailed with no time between them…not quite monkey branching, but the fact remains, a narcissist can’t live with themselves. To themselves, they are valueless without the adoration of whoever is their “one” at that moment.
I’ve noticed if a narcissist does ANYTHING “nice”, they’ll bring it up every time you confront them about anything. They think ONE good thing makes up for ALL the bad things they do. It’s ridiculous. My response now is “I’m sorry YOU feel that way” because they are only saying it because THEY’RE the ones who truly feel that way inside, and trying to make you feel that too. Misery loves company
I always wondered if there’s a narc meter you can buy somewhere? I still feel after all the experience, information, and insight, I still get fooled by narcs! 😅
Thankyou for this. I still have to get out the bad juju of what they forced into me. It’s been 2 years since I went no contact and that has helped so much. I wanted justice but will leave it to Karma. I’m too busy with my own life and spending my valuable time with people who are worthy. Most importantly I am free. 🙏👍🏼
Kenny I recently watched your videos but I am stuck, the best part is your facial expressions that makes the watcher to pay attention to what you are telling, I bought your book and started reading it,thanks for what you are doing and by the way the colors of your suits shirts and pocket handkerchieves are unique,you rock, keep on with the good work.!!
One thing I recognized in myself, I doubted things I really know. Keeps me not speaking. I literally have double checked time and again, whether by Google, pics or checking my journaling, even tho I KNOW what I know. Learning to accept that I do know things. I'm allowed to know things.
I nearly flipped when you mentioned #10, but as I continued to listen, I realized that my experience was not #10, but instead a twist on #10: One time my brother's wife out of the blue approached me and said something absolutely awful to me--an accusation she knew I knew was false, she blamed me for something that she created, then told me she didn't want me around her daughter if I was the kind of person who would do that. I was shocked and instantly in a fight or flight mode. So I didn't even respond. I left the situation with no intention to tell my brother what she had done because I didn't want to create tension between them, or between him and me (dysfunctional much?) and I lived in another state and rarely saw them. So I decided to let it go because I didn't have to deal with her on a regular basis. But the twist was--she feared I WAS going to go tell him what she had said, so she quickly beat me to the punch and told him that we'd had a "misunderstanding" in our last conversation. Therefore, if I'd ever put out my side of the story, she'd already made the disclaimer there had been a misunderstanding!!! Brilliant narcissistic gaslighting work on her part..
One gaslighting message to me , was a constant and I do mean constant, " You DON"T trust me!!!" Meanwhile he was draining all our money, lying , having decade long affairs, going on secret cruises etc. Well, it worked and I had to accept that if I was to stay married, over 40 years, I had better TRUST. When I discovered the horrible deceptions, he again said, well you did not trust me ANYWAY!!!! So, that position he took was absolutely central to his whole operation. Talk about a game of corner!!!!
Another thing they often say is" it's hard to love someone who does'nt trust you". This is pure manipulation so you question yourself and you take the blame ..
@@maried7776 I am trying to. Some days it’s hard. Just like with anyone, I guess. We also get taught, especially as a girl, that this is narcissistic. Selfish. It’s not. We have to feel worthy of ourselves in order for someone else to. I am not at all concerned about having a relationship with someone else. I want to learn how it have a better one with myself. I fall short…and in some way that causes me to feel badly. I am getting there. Thank you, dear, for your kind words.
On one of your videos, you brought up the reason why Narcissists are the way they are. Narcissists are the way they are because if their parents, Galations 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap. (Narcissists are people that God created too!)
Yes you will know its narc abuse because they say these phrases during EVERY disagreement. Just because victims may have said this in reaction to the gaslighting doesn't mean they are the narc abuser
>>>THIS JUST CAME UP ON MY SCREEN. ***This is my first introduction to you. I decided to listen. Well, you floored me!!!! A lot of what you talk about describes him to T. Carcass, this is a new term for me. Will continue to follow, and, comment.
My wife has said everyone of those to me even the last one, I catch her saying or doing something inappropriate and she would use those things on me, for awhile she had me questioning did I really hear or see that.
I was so “ stupid” about 10 years ago that my narcissist swindled about a quarter million dollars out of me I would say it was a romance scam operation. And I feel like I’m a very intelligent person but when someone controls your mind and is that toxic? It is scary how much they can take over another person I’m so glad I’m gone and divorced from that situation, my mother passed away not long ago. fortunately I am financially set now for a great retirement. God bless frugal parents that work hard all their life. 😊 The thing that my narc hated was that I’m just a positive happy person I’m very active. I worked with children for years as a preschool teacher I’ll live in faith not fear, and that just bugging the hell out of him. He never put my light out. God bless all of us that are healing from these abusive relationships in our past .
I’m going through an opposite kind of problem right now. Niece is going no-contact with her mother, my sister, because of claims of childhood trauma/abuse she has “realized” with her therapist. But these things did not happen, or have been greatly exaggerated. Except that her father is a mental case and did verbally and emotionally abuse my sister through their marriage. Now the niece claims it was all her mother’s fault for not “being the perfect wife and mother”. I told her if it was that bad growing up then it was her father’s responsibility to get his wife help or take his daughter out of the situation. My niece couldn’t handle that statement and said that how dare I blame her father? She will not have a relationship with me, which is fine because now i see how sick she is. Worse though, is how she bad mouths the “aunts” for not siding with her.
Heard them all from one of my children, ex husband, sister. I’m a magnet for narcissists! Funny thing I have a memory like anything so don’t anyone dare try to gaslight me. I laugh so hard inside and walk away. Do I suffer from childhood trauma you bet. My mother was so evil to me. I will look into the things you suggested.
Your information is life changing! Always learn something from you! Thank you for introducing me to my dysfunctional ways of dealing with life I didn't even realize! So glad I listened to the books you recommended especially the one you wrote!
You and Dr. Ramani are Saving Lives and Sanity ! Bless you both ! Thank you !
Truly
Thet is so true.😮😮😮😮
💯 And Dr Sam Vaknin
He gave us methods to use against your people
Agreed. There's also a wonderful person, Lise Leblanc. All these therapists describe my day as if they had access to some 'bodycam' and were watching it 24/7. Kinda scary at first, until you start to understand their actions are basically out of everyone's attempt at cohabitating in a healthy, respectful way. Is it really so much to ask for? Just saying🤷🏻♂️🧡🙏🏼
Within the first 10mins my jaw hit the floor. It was almost like he had been listening to my partner and the way she talks to me in our relationship.
Thankyou for the enlightenment.......let the learning begin.
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Wow
Mine would tell me i said or did something. It became absurd. So then she would tell me that I would do or say things and when she brought it up I'd say i didn't say or do it. Im like because what your saying isn't even true. Trying to get me to second guess my reality. Well for starters I'm not the one that lied, cheated and stole and had been taking medications for 5 years. I always thought She use to be amazing until she started taking medication. The children always told me she was different when i wasn't there. At some point, i had to start believing them. They were right.
Not all narcissist refuse to admit that they're at fault. Narcissism is a pop psychology term to describe the manipulative behaviors that come with hundreds of different psychosis. Everybody is different. Some narcissists will admit fault to shut you up for a bit (especially if they're caught with proof) then set up a different gasligting situation. The best thing to do is setup hidden cameras so you have proof, because this person will manipulate you no matter what. People lie, cameras don't.
Bro's you are absolutely right, am in similar situation at this moment being trying everything to get her out my life but she's using my disabled son to gaslighting me.
Wow...I'm still learning new terms and phrases for the horrible abuse I endured. No matter what I did I always found myself on the losing end.
Yep!
Wow really good 👍
You don't have to prove nothing to nobody !!!! Not even to yourself. ESPECIALLY to them gaslighters.
Them gaslighters want a reason for everything only biased on their interests.
That's because "the game is rigged for you to lose". Always remember that.
This type of abuse is not spoken enough. The damage is enormous and your up against a never winning battle, so protecting yourself, educating yourself, and seek professional help may be helpful
The insight I had recently about the narcissistic abuse I've experienced is that you can condense a lot of the abuse you experience down to three things 1) a lack of empathy/inconsistent empathy 2) when there is an argument or disagreement, they will turn away from you and pin blame rather than trying to understand your pain 3) their pattern of behaviour is fixed because they have what you might call is an emotional disability: they can't accept themselves and so they can never accept you. They will never change and you have to accept and grieve that loss. You have to then either eliminate them from your life/grey rock them or become so authentic and own your flaws and weaknesses so that they cannot trigger you to feed from you.
Wow. Spot on👍👏👏👏
It's a journey of discovery of TRUTH, isn't it? We are so loving and forgiving we can't believe they have no feelings, even for themselves.
Thank you for this explanation, it makes sense. I’m still going through a lot at the 2 month mark of my break-up. But, things seem to get better as time passes.
I love this guy. He is spot on.
He is to the point.
He is thorough, clear, yet soft-spoken.
This is the Best Narc Awareness channel on TH-cam.
Wow, thank you!
I agree. He is the BEST!❤❤❤
I take responsibility for not trusting my intuition and ignoring the red flags mine only lasted 3 months. But I grew up with a narcissistic family. Never knew what a narcissist was till 3 years ago. I'm so glad or I would would go to my grave not knowing and having an explanation for my child hood
One sign to spot a narcissist very early on is to put a boundary on your time, they will disrespect it because they are looking to destroy your healthy boundaries.
Look to destroy every thing!
They destroy ALL.. because they must dominate ALL.
I found this out towards the end of my relationship.
Thank you for this insight, I have just come through the toughest time of my life, been to places so low I didn’t realise existed. I was an empty shell and I cried for days on end. I wanted her to take my hand and pull me back up but realised that wasn’t the answer. I got help from a therapist, a dr and two friends that still had time for me. I took strength from a friend who committed suicide, he couldn’t or didn’t shout for help.. I didn’t know that someone I loved and shared my life with for 19 years could systematically destroy me and I had no idea I was letting it happen. I’m not fixed, not by a long shot, but I can stand up straight, smile, sing and feel like a real person again. Not always but I will heal, I will not give up, I will find my way. I will educate myself more on this despicable disease and I need to understand and recover from my own trauma. My heart is with every single one of you who are dealing with narcissistic and toxic relationships . Please look after yourselves, you are important. Be strong. We can do this.🙏
I can attest to the value of giving yourself a year and working on yourself. I’ve not been single more than a month since I was 13 until now. It’s hard and it hurts like hell but you do have to love yourself enough to find you. I’ve been blessed with Gods grace to hold me through and so will you.
Not more than 1 month since you were 13 ? Wow...
@@ceasarwright7567😂
you might want to hit up a SLAA meeting ❤️ I've found it soooo helpful. I've also not been single since 13! It's not a sustainable task to recover from without community. It's taught me so much: for the first time I feel so capable.
@@daniellelindsey318 What is a SLAA meeting? I have a friend she's going through it. (She's a grandmother with narcissist daughter in law who's brainwashed her son) She doesn't have time so I send her. She would go to a meeting.
Same here! I’m 47. Haven’t been single since 14.
Wow!! I completely remember #10, and how sad it made me to have to explain EVERYTHING in advance in detail so it wouldn't trigger him! That was the main thing that gave me pause, and made me realize how unhappy I was. You are the only one that has ever talked about it!
That was some great Soul Food. I'm at that point where I pity those that were narcissistic towards me. I no longer allow them around me, it was and is the best for me. Some people will NEVER be allowed in my sandbox, and, there are now rules for entry. No longer will people be allowed to use it as their litter box. I've had enough of their $hit. What's been interesting is the role we play in this, that's been something I've been evaluating myself for awhile. It's been explained very articulate here. It's gives one the tools and thoughts to fix the issues one may be facing and coping with. It is a journey too. Thanks.
You’re brilliant and I love the way you explain how narcissists function.
This video isn’t about narci
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
- Rush
The silver tongued paper cuts…. That’s the weird thing I couldn’t put my finger on about why dealing with my mother was always so stressful, it’s like getting compliments and attacked at the same time! And the “blame shifting” was always “it was all your Dad’s fault”, never took responsibility for her own part. She’d offer to “help” me but if I ever got upset about her in any way, then she’d recite a list of every single time she’d helped me in my whole life. Result: total self-sufficiency, I will not accept any offers of help from her or anyone ever again because the price is always way too high!
No contact brings me way more peace ☮️
Backhanded compliments. It's so weird. They make it sound nice but the words are not.
A suggestion I have is to get to know yourself and the joy you can create in your life. Now that you know what you were going through it becomes easier to pick these people out. I had know idea how nieve I was when finding out about NPD and other personalities disorders. It rattled me too. There is so much that life has to offer including the loving people in it. You just have to sift through the sh't. Good luck!!❤
So spot on! It took me years to straighten out after a hideous upbringing. The hardest part was forgiveness and learning boundaries. Recently, I reconnected with one of my sisters. At first, it was nice! Then one by one, she exhibited ALL of what you say to a tee. I at least realized this within 3 months, and I have ended the relationship. I hold no anger towards her, and I hope she is doing well, but I have no interest in any more abuse. When you start feeling dread and obligation when interacting with the person, there is a real problem. And by the way, they have to have the last word. Let them have it and move on. Thanks for doing these!
Thank you. Same here. My sister and daughter. It’s been a tough few years trying to understand what’s going on, and now I’m feeling more peace. It’s the daughter relationship that has wounded me the most and never seeing my grandsons. One is holding my mother’s ashes hostage the other our grandsons. I’m not healed yet. But will keep learning from Kenny. Thank you Kenny!
True that! “When you start feeling dread and obligation when interacting with the person, there is a real problem.”
Ever notice how the person who did you dirty is the one who wants to “forget the past”, and uses statements like “I didn’t start this you did (when they absolutely brought it up)”. Or blame you for their bad choices and poor decisions?!?!
Wow! #10...I've never heard it put that way, but I definitely engaged in that type of 'preemptive planning' in my last relationship....planning schedules, activities, etc, so that everything went smoothly. Planning how I would soothe him when things upset him. Carefully navigating through the daily maze of eggshells I had to walk on. I got really adept at these tasks, but suffered more and more from cognitive dissonance each day. When I finally reached my breaking point and ended up in therapy, day one - I stated I wanted to be a better person so he would be happy with me. My therapist sent me home to make a list of all the goals I wanted to accomplish - not just personal improvement, but general life goals. While making that list, the light came on...I was never going to accomplish these positive personal goals while still in the quagmire of a relationship with this covert narcissist. It wasn't all me. It wasn't all my fault. I started another list - of things he had said and done that made me feel at fault or not worthy. A little 'Googling' led me to a book that I read in one sitting and took to my next appointment - 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, by Adelyn Birch. He had successfully used 29 of the 30 on me. There was work to be done - on me - but not the kind he made me believe. And, if you've ever dealt with a covert narcissist, you'll know how easy it is to get ensnared in the spider's web. I left the relationshit within a few weeks, and began my journey of recovery, figuring out how I 'let' that happen, forgiving myself for my imperfections. I've focused a lot on recognizing and avoiding that type of person, which has really been empowering. Now, I'm ready to address root causes of my insecurities and codependence. I'm looking forward to checking out the resources offered here. Thank you, Kenny!
Changing the subject, is a red hot technique of the narcissist.
All to do with control.
As always, I appreciate your message, Kenny. I am a little over 2 years removed from my narc ex. Every time I listen to you it makes me realize how mentally and emotionally debilitating it was to engage with this man on a daily basis. You really do start to feel like you're going crazy, yet you are not fully aware of why it is happening to you, much like the frog being cooked, slowly, in hot water. The only true solution to get away from narcissistic personality types is to develop a loving relationship with the self and your own divinity. I am still healing the relationship with myself as it is not an overnight process.One thing or sure, I am a hell of a lot better off than I was when I left him in the fall of 2020. It is professionals like you that assist us to heal, grow, and evolve. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom!
Take care
Remember who you ARE , Love. Not who you were. How do you be, how to you show up now for life? It's up to you who and what you decide to be from here in our. Choose from your higher self. Don't know who that is? Take a sheet of paper, divide it down the middle. On one side write down the traits you admire in someone. It can be more than one. It's that traits you want. On the other side, think of someone you loath. Write down those traits. Again it can be more than one person. What do you have then? You have your best side and your worst side. So are you living out of your best or worst side? Most people find they're kinda in the middle. You can choose to live up to that better side. It may take time to evolve into it, but it's so worth it. Then you know who you are. Bless-ed be, friend, I hope it works as it has for me and the people I have helped.
Very intellectual.
I feel like an important one was left out. "I did that because you did/said something mean/crazy." Or also, "That's not the order in which it happened". I'm recalling a specific instance with my very abusive ex where he was throwing my things out of my car into the street and after a few minutes of trying to put my stuff back in my car to no avail, I yelled for help. The next day he insisted that the reason he started throwing my things was BECAUSE I started yelling for help. It's been like 4 years and my blood is boiling right now telling this story.
Another important thing to take note of is that they will often not address what you are complaining about at all, and instead immediately begin talking about something you did or said in the past. Example: "It really hurt me when you were throwing my things into the street." Response: "Last week you ignored my messages for 3 hours."
💥👍🏼
Toxic abusers is their true name.
I am so relieved that I cut that out of my life.
You are exactly right about "getting ahead" of the possible narcissistic rage. I've not heard it before, but I definitely see it. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing!!
Perfectly describes the behavior of my mother, grandmother and other toxic family members , and especially the toxic, Golden Child sibling.
1. "You're being paranoid."
2. "That never happened."
3. "You're making that up."
4. "You have always been crazy."
5. "You're overreacting."
6. "I dont know what you want me to say."
7. "It's your fault."
8. "Everyone agrees with me."
9. "It was a joke. Cant you take a joke?"
10. "How dare you accuse me if doing that."
11. "Why cant you be more like (--)?"
12. "I cant have any negative emotions around you."
13. "There is something seriously wrong with you "
14. " Well, you're not perfect either."
15. "Stop exaggerating."
16. "Dont blame me, i never meant to hurt you."
17. "Lets just forgive and forget."
18. "Why are you always bringing up the past?"
19. "This is how you treat me, after everything I've done for you?"
20. "We already talked about this- dont you remember?"
21. "I think YOU need professional help."
Thanks
So hard when it’s your parent! My dad has been a narcissist since childhood my mom and I have suffered his wrath for the span of the marriage and my entire life my mother just “passed” unexpectedly a week ago I believe mainly due to the stress my dad has put on her. Now I’m forced as an only adult child going through a divorce of my own narcissist spouse with no children of my own to help
I’m having to deal with my dad ALONE! I made my escape by moving out 24 years ago leaving my mom there found refuge in my spouse in our own home only for that spouse to be another narcissist luckily I’m still under my own roof I have a safe place but I am looking after my dad ALONE!
Set some boundaries which I couldn’t do growing up under his roof but it scary and stressful nonetheless!
The number 10 I’ve been doing it for YEARS! KNOWING my dads reactions to things and worrying they’re gonna come before the do doing all I can to keep them from happening before they do! Funny how it’s always OK however if HE does these same things! GUESS I SHOULD be making videos like you said because I’ve lived this way at least 3/4 of my life! 💔
I understand exactly what you are saying! With me it is my 45 year old son, LIVING WITH ME, 71, Can't get him to move out either!
Luckely I have a second son an embath, suffering like me! We go for walks, without him, so we can vent!
I think I have fallen in love with you !! - you have opened my eyes and managed it with kindness, humour, deep insight and care - and so much truth. Also, you realise that not everyone can afford therapy or get it in any way - in many countries it just is not available - so thank you thank you thank you for ever and ever. This knowledge could heal and prevent so many social problems and my one true wish would be that all of us - young and old - could understand ourselves, forgive ourselves and become positive instead of negative and learn how to grow and love properly.
The lack of guidance that was provided by our elders is not apparent anymore and we need younger people to recognise and learn how to deal with relationshops that are damaging to mental health, and how to forgive but set bounderies and keep themselves safe. I would hope that someday schools and colleges could benefit from all the insight and wisdom that is slowly filtering into our brains via the internet and amazing people like you. Bless you.
Your #10 was explained so very well. My brain actually was crowded planning my offense, so I wouldn’t have to play the defense roll. I would think through the N’s predictable strategies that would likely play out, all in advance, so that I could avoid the traps! No C. became necessary for my mental liberty.
About the 21 phrases: if you turn the table, isn't it possible they can be used standing up to a narcissist. It might not be the most productive way if you want to mend a relationship , but it might be the beginning of a way out. I feel like some occasions call for these responses from anyone, to stand up for themself. Maybe the abusive part probably won't listen, but it might help to boost self-esteem enough to start on the path away.
Seems so, until you can get away.
The other I have received when I was being verbally abused by a narcissist “yes he did it, but you have to move past it.”
Ken out of everyone I've heard tackle this issue, you have the most no-nonsense perspective. Clear and direct! Thank you!
The worst for me was « I’m sorry you feel that way » « It is what it is » and « I’m not looking to cheat »…every time he said those to me, and it was often, I would tell him « that’s an empty sentence, you are not being real ». He never got it, so I left.
Thank you for all the free content you put out !
Your commitment to help us heal is truly extraordinary !!!
20 years of therapy and I’m still working on myself.
It’s a lifelong journey, isn’t it?
All the best for yours.
God bless you with peace ❤️🙏
I hope you're doing great ❤ Personally I found that by working on myself, I was still trying to prove my worth in some way or another. I realized I didn't need to do or work for anything, but just BEing myself IS ENOUGH 🥰
Spot on wow, I'm in total disbelief. I have been living in this toxicity for 15 yrs. I built upbenough courage to kick him out of home and changed the locks going no contact. I can finally see the abuse so clear now that he's gone. He was crushing my soul. Thank you for your videos Kenny
Thank you
1- DON'T BRAND SOMEBODY THAT THEIR NARCO ABUSER BECAUSE THEY SAID THAT ONCE , YOU ARE LOOKING FOR REPETITION .
2- IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL YET THEY DON'T SEE IT THEY SEE IT AS A SELF PROTECTION MECHANISM .
Thank you for helping me to see the tools that toxic people use to manipulate and control. It is important to know who we are dealing with and how to avoid being roped into their snares. I have experienced some of these before but have not always known how to handle myself in the right way.
I finally caught on to what double bind means
Your clarity in your work is so helpful in unmeshing those cob webs
Thank you
Kenny
You’re welcome
"Are you questioning me?"/"don't question me?"
"Worthless" "You know nothing" "what have you ever done in your life" "you think you're smarter than anybody else/ You just think you're better than everyone else"
Yep, yep,yep!
Finding someone who understands like this in the UK is very hard. My mum was and is a narcissist, getting progressively worse as she grows older. No contact only option for me. Everything I do is fuel for her.
Thank you. Very helpful. I was with a narcissist after my wife passed away and did not know this.
Your rare number 10 is one I've recently become more aware of with my own actions. I'm undiagnosed BPD W/ NPD traits. (Oddly enough, with all the years of therapy I've tried, neither has ever even been mentioned yet they're both extremely prevalent in my life.) It is a bitch to deal with on both ends. It's honestly one of the things I hate most about my toxic issues. Hopefully, as a tip from my perspective, one thing I ask I people in my life. Hold me accountable for my actions. Don't let them do it without at least talking about it and don't let them get away with it by sweeping it under the rug. I am not aware of everything that I do in how it affects others. If the person doing this to you does actually care about you. They will, eventually, take responsibility and work on it. If they don't, won't even acknowledge they do it. I'd suggest running as far as fast as you can.
28 years with mine. I've started to change things here and he can't stand it. my memory is different, so the gaslight doesn't work just stresses me out. for a long time i just thought he was that dumb to do the things he did or trying to make me go crazy but how could someone try that long to make someone go nuts.
They never apologize no matter what they did. It's always my fault, not theirs. The starting over as long as I behave we can get through this. He isolated me away from people. Now I have social anxiety. I was a extrovert now I am a introvert. I never want to leave the house even for work. I'm not with him, but remember what he said
...you know what you are
...go do what you do best
Just a few
Just had someone attempt this gaslighting technique on me yesterday. In attempt to get what he wanted, he gaslit then cited his titles . I told him I didn't care if he was JC who came down from the heavens, disrespect would never be tolerated. Titles mean nothing to me. I treat everyone the same. Lol! He had nowhere to go. I told him to seek services elsewhere, as I could offer him nothing that would work in concert with the values he holds.
Very interesting!!!! Haven’t heard this side and view of this subject before!! Thank you!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This is so interesting. After I left that abusive relationship, I was reading a book on abuse and I recall thinking, " Who the heck's been living in my house." How could so many of those statements been exactly what I'd heard, sometimes word for word. Three of the gaslighting statements you missed: "if you had only ....", If only you hadn't..." and one of the ones he used later in our marriage, "do you think maybe you're menopausal?"
He would always say I was always twisting things. My gut instinct told me to run the other way when I met him. I didn't listen. I spent 4 years in a relationship with him. He ended the relationship 6 months ago and I quietly walked away. I'm now moving on with my life.
How are you now, I hope you are fine
Mr. Weiss, wonderful lecture!! So true, so clear. Love it! Love that purple suit. It goes so well hith your hair and eyes. Good choice. My older sister raised me after Mother died. She is "all of the above" and always has been, may always be one. She's still doing it. All the time I thought the rest of the family didn't want me, I found out they actually were trying to take me out of the situation. I learned to be strong. I have helped a lot of kids get through a tough upbringing from folks who were horrid parents. You describe it all so well!
It's as if you have been recording our conversations - - - I hear these comments on the regular. This is very helpful, I'm thankful for this valuable information.
Glad it was helpful!
18:34 thank you. I needed to hear this. Your station is a breathe of fresh air. Going to buy your book !! The equation is real !
In terms of changing the subject, I agree. However, a useful tool to break the rant is to make a physical gesture to break the 100 per cent concentration on the narcissist. Adjust your glasses. Blow your nose. Scratch your nose. Adjust your watch or piece of jewellery.
Omg! My mother!!! And...my last 2! partners 😢 I finally woke up when my psychologist pointed it out. I've chosen to continue online research & seeing my therapist as my recovery method. Knowledge is very much a powerful tool to have. Thank you for your teachings 🙏
I was ready to hear this and learn from it. Perhaps the most concise explanation of abuse. Very good.
Kenny I had developed heart palpitations due to this stress, mental fog, body pain all over, recovering is still ongoing.
I hope you're doing well now ❤
I am non stop getting ahead of things when it comes to everything and u did not ever see that anywhere so thank you so much.
You are describing my husband. He is exactly what you're saying. He does those things to me, Day in and day out constantly. That's crazy. He's vicious and he lies He's abusive but he tries to make himself look like the good guy to everyone else. The thing is he has no reason to be that way to me. It's awful. It's making me ill. Thanks for clarifying and describing to the t what I already knew.
In Alanon and ACOA they encourage you to focus on yourself and to heal instead of focusing on the one who is abusing you..
I keep commenting as I watch and wow. I wish I found your account 2 years ago. Thank you so much. I've needed this more than you could ever know
You are so welcome!
Hello Kenny
My good heavens spot on in everything have said.
It's like a sniper shooting at you , you don't know when the next shot is to be fired or from which direction but you know it's coming. They may have had some trauma in their past, but dear Lord the cruelty is something else. I forgive as that's what I believe is correct but you start to shut down and it's a constant weathering the storm. I pity them ultimately. A sense of humour help's to survive but no accountability whatsoever from them and never will be. I am brought up a Catholic and believe what God puts together, man shall not take apart. I think this life / world is a training ground and our lives here is only one small part of the big picture.
Thanks for your insight and knowledge and keep up the great work. Keep well and safe.
Priceless information from one who has been there, done that......I can totally relate and am really owning my childhood issues....at 63 yrs old, Yes, decades of repetitive behavior and same results.....Many thanks for painting an honest, raw picture with a gentle brush, so glad to have come across your channel Kenny! You are helping me and so many others!❤️
I love the sweet man you recover for all the abuse, I hope become a sweet better version of me soon too. Thank you for your videos. I was watching a lot of youtubers about this topic, but I feel comfortable with your energy, how do you present the facts, very clear, even my head is not, ...yet. thanks!
I just love you and thank you so much for sharing with humility and trusting us with your truth this has blown my mind and I am absolutely on the road to healing like never before now since finding your channel
He’s my son, who just moved his life across 1400 miles. To share my oasis 😢, I only just realized what I’ve invited into it.
I love how you just lay it all out there. It’s hard to hear some of it, but I went away feeling better. Thank you for that
Thanks you so much for this info...not until I was a life threatening event in my life( aortic dissection) Lucky to survive . Until my cardiologist told me this your second chance at life i decided to not put up being in a disfunctional state.
Thank You Kenny Weiss. I'm Happy I Subscribed to You. Your Unique Gentle Approach Is Really Helpful. Happy New Year 2023 to You.
I recognize everything you said. I left my abusive & narcissist family. I will read your book. I have work to do on me. Thank you!
#8 he would write notes on his phone distorting the whole story on an argument we had saying all the bad things I said to him but he would omit what he said to me to have such reaction…. crazy
I came across your videos, and they have been such a blessing to me. I love it when you mentioned, " When you are less than perfect and you have issues, it is the best I can do with who I was at that time!!!
We are constantly growing and learning, and it's so important for us to gibe ourselves grace when we end up in these situations that we never intended to end up in.
❤
Thank you for saying “We’ve all been abusive”. The words “They are a narcissistic person” is thrown around like candy anymore. Every week you hear someone labeled a narcissistic person. It’s like society has forgotten that there’s just shi**y people in the world. That’s it just terrible people who don’t need a “label”.
Agree. People running around calling themselves victims and other folks narcissists, gaslighters and abusers is the problem today. Pretty much the same as ranting on about imaginary White Privilege. Got problems? Fukin deal with it and leave normal people alone.
These people aren't just "shitty people" those people we encounter often or even daily! There is not enough education out there to deal with manipulating controlling narcissist! IMO! This is emotional abuse at its finest! Whether it's family, spouse or parent! Especially if this type abuse started at a young age into adulthood. I can't speak for grown adults who came across this type of individual but if they are in your family it's beyond difficult to deal or get out of without tremendous loss!
@@sara-nz5bt 💪❤️🔥👏
I broke up with someone with these toxic traits and I can see my role in the disfunctional dynamics. I still love him, but I don't blame or shame myself for loving anyone anymore. I've accepted that I am a loving person. That's just my nature and I like my heart open and not closed off anymore. I don't fear getting hurt by someone, but realise I'm really the only one that can hurt me with my thoughts and analysis. And the behaviors I keep up with. And because of my beliefs what their behavior says about me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not okay with bad treatment anymore. I take my responsibility for this dynamic. So I can love someone from a distance perfectly fine. 😅 Because for me it feels like with me loving him I'm loving the hurt child in me as well. I can be compassionate for the both of us by not shutting off my heart. I can see that the good and the bad I see in others is a reflection of me ❤ That's what this taught me anyway. And that for me is very valuable.
Of course all of this doesn't happen overnight, I'd like to add. Have been healing from a lot of trauma from narcissistic dynamics (family and relationships). But I've learned it all starts by showering yourself with self-compassion, allowing your light to shine bright and maintaining your boundaries.😊
I love that you give us an idea of how much time to spend on recovering etc.
I appreciate how when your video's point the finger, they also acknowledge there are three pointing back, so to speak.
This was my previous nurse practitioner. She'd say things and forget she'd say them on the next visit, and then tried to say I was making it up and that I was paranoid and crazy. She actually really tried to convince me that I was crazy, on multiple occasions. She was also very dismissive, and towards the end, very condescending. Unfortunately, because of covid I had to endure a couple more years of her BS and thank fuck that's over. 🙄
When you finally get to register with a new practitioner, they ask why you left your last practitioner, then the new practitioner is dismissive of what you have to say about the old one.
That's the healthcare system in Canada in a nutshell.
Yikes!😳❤️🩹
Same. I think that’s a thing with some p.a.’s and nurse practitioners. Run!
Wish you could post the list so we could print it out. It sure would come in handy..
if i have things not go well in my life I have people telling me- you must be doing something wrong if you always have conflicts with people, I was disowned by family, I was homeless- or i get told stop being a victim- no one can believe that I can be a good person and have bad things happen, Nowadays I don't want to share information about my past because people assume i'm bad
OMG! I have been witnessing this with a friend and her son and daughter in law.
This lis might as well have ~Mom after each phrase. My mom has said every single one of those at some point. The "Why can't you be more like..." was probably the most common. My sister was her perfect little angel, and so I was never goodenough. A direct quote from my mother..."You have a funny way of looking at your childhood. You survived, didn't you?" I alread knew she is a communal narcisist though. This just helps me feel better about labelling her in that way.
In the last two years, before learning my spouse was a narcissist, I have told them they were crazy many times because to me denying truth when evidence is presented is crazy. As I have learned about narcissist, everything they do is crazy and meant to drive you crazy.
I saw a lot of coaches talking about narcissism but your videos are different it really helps you talk in a very deep levels
I am happy that they resonate with you and help you.
To a narcissist, you will never be enough.
To a narcissist, you will never have enough of what they believe they deserve.
And you, in a relationship with a narcissist, will keep giving till you eventually become empty…you then become a shell, a husk, of what you once were…
and then they will desert you, because you, have nothing left to give them.
Narcissists leave a trail of abandoned relationships, and those relationships are dovetailed with no time between them…not quite monkey branching, but the fact remains, a narcissist can’t live with themselves.
To themselves, they are valueless without the adoration of whoever is their “one” at that moment.
I’ve noticed if a narcissist does ANYTHING “nice”, they’ll bring it up every time you confront them about anything. They think ONE good thing makes up for ALL the bad things they do. It’s ridiculous. My response now is “I’m sorry YOU feel that way” because they are only saying it because THEY’RE the ones who truly feel that way inside, and trying to make you feel that too. Misery loves company
I always wondered if there’s a narc meter you can buy somewhere? I still feel after all the experience, information, and insight, I still get fooled by narcs! 😅
Thankyou for this. I still have to get out the bad juju of what they forced into me. It’s been 2 years since I went no contact and that has helped so much. I wanted justice but will leave it to Karma. I’m too busy with my own life and spending my valuable time with people who are worthy. Most importantly I am free. 🙏👍🏼
Kenny I recently watched your videos but I am stuck, the best part is your facial expressions that makes the watcher to pay attention to what you are telling, I bought your book and started reading it,thanks for what you are doing and by the way the colors of your suits shirts and pocket handkerchieves are unique,you rock, keep on with the good work.!!
One thing I recognized in myself, I doubted things I really know. Keeps me not speaking. I literally have double checked time and again, whether by Google, pics or checking my journaling, even tho I KNOW what I know. Learning to accept that I do know things. I'm allowed to know things.
I nearly flipped when you mentioned #10, but as I continued to listen, I realized that my experience was not #10, but instead a twist on #10: One time my brother's wife out of the blue approached me and said something absolutely awful to me--an accusation she knew I knew was false, she blamed me for something that she created, then told me she didn't want me around her daughter if I was the kind of person who would do that. I was shocked and instantly in a fight or flight mode. So I didn't even respond. I left the situation with no intention to tell my brother what she had done because I didn't want to create tension between them, or between him and me (dysfunctional much?) and I lived in another state and rarely saw them. So I decided to let it go because I didn't have to deal with her on a regular basis. But the twist was--she feared I WAS going to go tell him what she had said, so she quickly beat me to the punch and told him that we'd had a "misunderstanding" in our last conversation. Therefore, if I'd ever put out my side of the story, she'd already made the disclaimer there had been a misunderstanding!!! Brilliant narcissistic gaslighting work on her part..
One gaslighting message to me , was a constant and I do mean constant, " You DON"T trust me!!!" Meanwhile he was draining all our money, lying , having decade long affairs, going on secret cruises etc. Well, it worked and I had to accept that if I was to stay married, over 40 years, I had better TRUST. When I discovered the horrible deceptions, he again said, well you did not trust me ANYWAY!!!! So, that position he took was absolutely central to his whole operation. Talk about a game of corner!!!!
Another thing they often say is" it's hard to love someone who does'nt trust you". This is pure manipulation so you question yourself and you take the blame ..
@@suecole5543 Only the first part is true, " They find it hard to love."
@@marierose6792 They do know what they are doing ,.
My feminist ex-wife was one of those people who constantly just trusted me. It's no fun living under a magnifying glass
Yes, a carcass it the right way to put it. And what does a carcass do? Make a stink!! All this resonated in me so much. It is so hard to heal.
Love yourself❤🎉
@@maried7776 I am trying to. Some days it’s hard. Just like with anyone, I guess. We also get taught, especially as a girl, that this is narcissistic. Selfish. It’s not. We have to feel worthy of ourselves in order for someone else to. I am not at all concerned about having a relationship with someone else. I want to learn how it have a better one with myself. I fall short…and in some way that causes me to feel badly. I am getting there. Thank you, dear, for your kind words.
On one of your videos, you brought up the reason why Narcissists are the way they are.
Narcissists are the way they are because if their parents,
Galations 6:7
Do not be deceived,
God is not mocked,
for whatsoever a man sows,
that he will also reap.
(Narcissists are people
that God created too!)
Time is a great healer, I'm finally over this
Yes you will know its narc abuse because they say these phrases during EVERY disagreement. Just because victims may have said this in reaction to the gaslighting doesn't mean they are the narc abuser
>>>THIS JUST CAME UP ON MY SCREEN. ***This is my first introduction to you. I decided to listen. Well, you floored me!!!! A lot of what you talk about describes him to T. Carcass, this is a new term for me. Will continue to follow, and, comment.
Welcome!
My wife has said everyone of those to me even the last one, I catch her saying or doing something inappropriate and she would use those things on me, for awhile she had me questioning did I really hear or see that.
I just recently found your videos and truly enjoy listening. I find them very relatable.
Glad you like them!
I was so “ stupid” about 10 years ago that my narcissist swindled about a quarter million dollars out of me I would say it was a romance scam operation. And I feel like I’m a very intelligent person but when someone controls your mind and is that toxic? It is scary how much they can take over another person I’m so glad I’m gone and divorced from that situation, my mother passed away not long ago. fortunately I am financially set now for a great retirement. God bless frugal parents that work hard all their life. 😊
The thing that my narc hated was that I’m just a positive happy person I’m very active. I worked with children for years as a preschool teacher I’ll live in faith not fear, and that just bugging the hell out of him. He never put my light out. God bless all of us that are healing from these abusive relationships in our past .
I’m going through an opposite kind of problem right now. Niece is going no-contact with her mother, my sister, because of claims of childhood trauma/abuse she has “realized” with her therapist. But these things did not happen, or have been greatly exaggerated. Except that her father is a mental case and did verbally and emotionally abuse my sister through their marriage. Now the niece claims it was all her mother’s fault for not “being the perfect wife and mother”. I told her if it was that bad growing up then it was her father’s responsibility to get his wife help or take his daughter out of the situation. My niece couldn’t handle that statement and said that how dare I blame her father? She will not have a relationship with me, which is fine because now i see how sick she is. Worse though, is how she bad mouths the “aunts” for not siding with her.
Heard them all from one of my children, ex husband, sister. I’m a magnet for narcissists! Funny thing I have a memory like anything so don’t anyone dare try to gaslight me. I laugh so hard inside and walk away. Do I suffer from childhood trauma you bet. My mother was so evil to me. I will look into the things you suggested.
Your information is life changing! Always learn something from you! Thank you for introducing me to my dysfunctional ways of dealing with life I didn't even realize! So glad I listened to the books you recommended especially the one you wrote!