Narcissistic Parents: What To Expect as they Grow Older
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 มิ.ย. 2024
- In this video, I discuss what you can expect when narcissistic and dysfunctional parents grow older.
Learning about this will help you prepare emotionally and practically for the challenges that arise as their needs increase and their behaviors potentially intensify.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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This is crucial for me both are nearing their seventies and it is getting too evil and childish. Thank you very much Dr. Wise. My mother knows listen t you and she even mocked you by minimizing your positive influence in my life. Meh, it is one ear and one out the other.
Yes, they play on the sociocultural axiology to play the higher moral ground and this is why my father threw a 360 by saying: let see how things will be when I die? As if…. (sigh) Basically all of the tactics that you asserted here Dr. Wise, my parents have done to me on a regular basis especially with my sister a s golden child archetype.
they were AWFUL when young; then they got old& wamt Pity
You're AMAZING, Jerry!!
You can never get your family of origin "out of" you. Uncovering your true self is your mission, but it involves forgiving your family of origin as a path to discerning loving boundaries. Your family is what the universe gave you for your growth in this incarnation. We are not on this earth merely for material and hedonic pleasure. That is an empty, shallow path. This worldview creates terminally adolescent whiners. Those who spot it got it. (If narcissism is your obsession, you may be the nnarcissist too.)
We were allowed to go out with friends with minimal rules. Then we say no wonder we are rebellious. We were not allowed to go out of our parents eyesight. Then we say no wonder we became rebellious, Who is right?
I felt nothing when my mom died. I cried, but I cried for the mother I wish she could have been
I hear you loud and clear. She's still alive, but that's how I feel when I cry now. As tho time's run out, and she's still horrible. I'm sorry for what you've endured. I hope you have abundant peace and joy now.
Me too
My mean narc mom died January 29, 2024 a day before my birthday and I haven't shed one tear. At first I thought there was something wrong with me for not grieving but I've been grieving her my whole life and now there are no more tears left.
Yep
I grieved the mother and grandmother I wish I and my kids had. She's still alive but if she passes I won't visit her grave or cry but rather will carry on living my own life to the fullest
arguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested everything you say or do can be used against you
Omg!! So perfect!
@@Twinzma so true x
That's literally what they shouted at us when we were children. They were foreshadowing the rest of our lives.
Yup! Sometimes agreeing with them too!
Exactly. They want to be the police while they use infinite ways to torture. Their torture is thinking the real police is always watching and waiting.
I stay away from people that make me feel like $#!t, period.
When somebody try to make me feel like shit, I used to show him that his opinion doesn't matter to me and then make him feel like shit in more sophisticated way. It works great with narcissistic people.
I really don't like to be like that, but I'm doing it from respect to myself.
Good for you! 🙏 It's a lesson not easily learnt by many, myself included...but eventually we just have to see it for what it is...
Amen sister, me too ❤
@@earthrooster1969It's very hard to walk away when you're an empath. However once time passes, you regain your freedom and confidence.
Same. Never used to but now it’s easy.
My frail 86 year old Narc Mom refuses to go to assisted living, or get home health care. Instead - she wants me to abandon my job/home/husband and move across the country to be her care taker. She has absolutely no concern that this would put my finances in jeopardy and place a strain on my marriage. When I said "no", she stopped talking to me. Now I understand ... the girl child was supposed to remain a spinster so she could be mothers slave in her later years. Just...wow.
yep! that's what narc mothers do. they don't care about your life or your happiness. they only care about themselves. as the spinster who is struggling in the family I'm in that very situation now...living with this toxic woman who is preventing me from working a job ever since my car died (she owns 2 cars btw). i'm not allowed to borrow one of her cars to work a job. she doesn't want me to become independent b/c she wants me to live with her and cater to her even though she's totally healthy. she said to me "you owe me. i raised you. you need to take care of me" and my siblings....all 5 are doing exceptionally well in life...they all drive bmw's and mercedes' and own multiple homes...all of them do nothing but put me down for struggling and they say "well, you live with her, you need to take care of her." they all cater to her in their own ways but do not invite her to live with them. gee, i wonder why? and it's convenient for all of them to not help me become independent (not that i want their help) because it would mean they would have to help her more plus they love bullying me and putting me down. they are all insecure and toxic. my body and spirit are ready to get out of here and move on. just don't know how. Anyway, stick to your guns. Keep your distance. Maintain those boundaries and do NOT let your mother guilt you into taking care of her! She will never respect your needs.
Damn Nona. 😢😢
Hold firm, Nona - I know people who have been guilted into the spinster/slave lifestyle and their lives have been a kind of hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. You're really brave and strong to be able to see the situation for what it is - and choose yourself and your marriage!
What you write here is identical to what happened in my family. It was a total shock to my parents when I married at the age of 50. Then they banned him from their home, and told me I was welcome to visit them, but without him. No Contact since 2020. It’s upsetting still, as they are both 81 and I’m an only child. As you wrote, “Just…wow.” I’m sorry you have to experience this! 🤗
You have to do what's right for yourself. Good on you for saying no.
My mom is 101, and it feels like I am in the movie Groundhog...it will never end. I live 3 states away and go to visit one week a month. The blessing is my brother and I now try to visit together. She still wants to be in control, but her rages have decreased. I visit and treat her kindly because that is how I would want to be treated. I don't want to live with regrets.
That’s a huge commitment. I hope your mother is a nice lady. Living without regrets also means you put your needs first to look after you. It includes setting boundaries.
You are worthy of your own respect and love.
You will be glad you did this afterward because no matter WHAT she has done to you, you did the right thing-it’s freeing! Mine did about as much as one could ever do to hurt a child but I have no regrets for my role-hang in there-you will be free one day-I wish you well!
My mom's last words at her death bed... "I forgive you son for disappointment me and abandoning me". I didn't abandon her; I simply grew up and she didn't forgive me for leaving home and going to college.
Thanks, this is pretty funny 😆 It makes me realize one more time how ridiculous their mind can be
Good for you. You lived your life. She was selfish . Let those words roll off your back like water. The person that was mandated to protect you was the one you needed protecting from. You did good. You got away. It's a wake up call to everyone who has a narcissist parent. Go no contact and stay no contact. You're free my friend. You did nothing wrong. It's her fault not yours. Enjoy every breath . Enjoy you your life. Stay happy.
My mother has attempted to prevent me from growing up. Still. And I'm 34. She makes me think she only loved me when I was her little girl she could control. She hates that I think for myself.
@@mags_9532 Yep. They want us to raise them and in order to do that they have to keep control. When my mom lost control of me, I was dead to her. Sorry you have experienced this as well.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Good for you getting out of the house instead of becoming her lackey. Her unkindness & dislike of me informed my parenting: I parented my dear children they way I wanted to be parented & loved. Thankfully, I have a good relationship with my (now) adult children, who are good, kind people.
My mother, at 88 yo, looked at me and angrily said to me. “I know parents whose children worship them” as she eyed me as though I were a speck.
That is wild.
And those children were probably treated with compassion and respect growing up.
Sorry Mom , you did none of those things
They want to be God in your life
Describes my husbands mother 100%, mine included for the most part.
Oh yeah! This 💯!
Both mine and MIL.
REMEMBER: Even prison inmates get food, shelter, clothing and medical attention.
This is important to remember!
@JennyT101 You are correct! Inmates don't even have to earn those things - it is given to them because inmates are entitled to having them.
This!
@@syguzman5739woah. The fact this shocks me is sad.
This is such a great point to remember.
My mother’s favourite saying…”after all I have done for you”
Never feel guilty when you look forward to their passing. It's not being viscous or hateful attitude towards mom or dad, it's the start of your total freedom. Passing of mom can be bitter sweet. Sorry for the past, sweet for future
When my sociopathic narc father croaked...We got out the party hats & confetti because we understood and ultimately had accepted who he was and we realized we'd be better off without the drama/abuse.
Funny...even as a child I wished my Mom was dead..not because I hated her, but I just felt she had to go...
Today, I am the family scapegoat, far away from my family and my siblings, extended family included are stewing in their own toxic juices and they eye me once in awhile for not participating in the energy sucking rabbit hole...
Funny...even as a child I wished my Mom was dead..not because I hated her, but I just felt she had to go...
Today, I am the family scapegoat, far away from my family and my siblings, extended family included are stewing in their own toxic juices and they eye me once in awhile for not participating in the energy sucking rabbit hole...
The three of us rejoiced when dna-dad passed in 05. The bonus surprise is that COVERT Malignant Sadistically CATHOLIC "MoMster" & Narc older sibling openly abuse me now.@@malwads1836
Oh will it ever happen?
It is even worse in some cultures where the burden of taking care of the parents falls in its entirety on the daughters and granddaughters when the inheritance goes to the sons and their children!!!
That's a shame...in fact, marriage, no matter how 'good' is a power imbalance in the long run and the issues run across generations...
Break the cycle!
Ya that's a cycle which doesn't happen in the new world, ridiculous even a woman's virginity is theirs to sell!
can you name the cultures you are speaking of?
Agreed! My aunt already attempted to guilt me into it. Me living closer than my brother didn’t help. I served my time. ✌️
Even an orphanage supplies shelter and food to every child under their care. You don’t owe your parents anything for doing the bare minimum
or for kicking your a@@, cursing you out, degrading you at every given opportunity, denying you a high school education, having just enough clothes to cover your body, walking to elementary school, with holes in your shoes IN THE WINTER, being told to turn a trick when you need the basic things in life, always half hungry, and so MUCH MORE. wHEN i GOT OUT OF THAT HOUSE OF HORRORS, I REALIZED THAT YOUR HELL CAN BE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.
But what if they gave me more? I still live at home at 40. They could use this as "we cared for you for 40 years. Now you don't want to care for us when we're getting older?" It would be blackmail. I'm the family scapegoat and an empath and slighty autistic. What to do there, any tips?
@@shairaptor1865you absolutely need to move out. That is their plan, to keep you there longer than you should have stayed so they can use it for their benefit later. I stayed way too long living with my parents and I regret every minute. You need to become independent, you can do it even if they try to make you feel like you can’t.
They also get clothes and are provided with group activities and hobbies like gardening are provided and encouraged. Orphanages provide the basics- food, water, shelter, clothing transportation, activities. So a birth parent providing those and nothing more except bday and Christmas gift, while also actively getting in the way, is absolutely the bare legal minimum.
@@bernadettec2681 Thanks for your reply! I am emotionally and financially dependent from them. I want to move out, to have my first own apartment. But alone it's too difficult, they guilt trip me. And what if they blackmail me or make revenge? Like "If you move out now, then we will tell everybody "xyz" and give your computer data from your laptop to anybody" or whatever else? I'm really stuck here. Psychotherapy is a good idea, but even for that I'm shy, I have phone phobia, etc. But I'll make it. How did you move out if I may ask, how did you make it?
I stopped falling for the FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt
This is good.
I like that acronym. Out of the FOG. ThanQ 😊
Oh my! That is good!!!! I am new to this and that discribes her tactics exactly! Thanks.
It’s like we have to now somehow be expected to sacrifice our own lives for them in their elderly years ……. But they weren’t even there for us whatsoever as little children. Bizarre 😂
That’s what I keep thinking. It disgusts me honestly
@@curiouslittlefrog me too and we have to remain strong and always remember that.
@@debwhite6228communities like this help me remember. It is so painful to not have real parents, sometimes I feel like I must be in the wrong. I am not. I just feel so much more than they do. And that’s okay! Empathy is beautiful
@@curiouslittlefrog It is extremely painful and empathy is something that they will never ever have. You cannot live a truly fulfilling life without it…….that’s their karma as they never will. So even though it’s terribly painful for us, I would still rather be us than them. Plus you have recognised it and crawled your way out of it despite all of it. You need to congratulate yourself that you’ve not turned into them. That’s an amazing accomplishment in itself honestly as you’ve broken the cycle ……. Many don’t as they do then turn into them and therefore repeat this abusive cycle ❤️
@@debwhite6228 thank you so much for saying this, it made my day easier and I actually got up and did what I needed to do! I had been stuck in the past all morning. Thank you so much!!
Two days ago my 80yr old parents told me I wasn’t agreeable or sociable with them and that I wasn’t welcome around anymore. I was so relieved, finally released from the narcissists
You were just poor supply.
So sorry you had such unkindbparents. Celebrate your freedom fromtheir derogatory attitudes.
congrats ❤
@@freedomwarrior5087The same thing happened to me. I was discarded in an email. I was poor supply a few months leading up to it.
Until... They change their minds. Be careful! ☺️✌️❤️🦋🙏
I’m an only child who had 2 narcissistic parents. 1 down 1 to go. I am so looking forward to some peace and freedom
❤ this is me. 2 parents who I’m just realizing are narcs. Thanks to Jerry and social media I’m unpacking this.
Same here. When my father died in 2016 I felt nothing but relief. Have been no-contact with mother for ten years. If you're wondering, no she didn't tell me my father had died. I suppose that was her way of lashing out at me for "abandoning" her. I found out on social media weeks after the funeral. Oh well.
😂😂gee whiz
No contact can be a great thing!
🎉
I had to & for the last 9 years it's been the most peace I've ever known. I had to get 1000 miles away. She's 85 & my life has never been so calm, I'm learning to not be a doormat & am still healing. I thank God for this channel
I absolutely agree. I have found delivery service for gifts is also helpful. Can't bitch about me when I have sent the nicest gift(on purpose). Haven't seen them in a few years not even sure how many and don't give a rat's ass.
It's the best decision I've made. Such a relief not to have to talk to those awful people.
Peace 💜☮️💜
I cut all contact with my narcissistic parents long time ago. I don’t need their money, I can earn my own - thank you. Best decision ever. So incredibly freeing ❤.
Congratulations! Finding your own strength after years of caged abuse is an incredible feeling!
may i ask wht u do for work?
I agree. I always thought it would be tainted anyway.😅
Exactly! The inheritance is not worth it! And imagine suffering for it, as they still leave it for someone else!
Good for you! I make my own money too. Never had a penny from them and have managed ust fine. I've got nothing to thank them for and they have no hold over me.
I’m 40 and I really think I always expected my mom to grow out of it. This has hit me really hard for some reason. But seeing these comments by others with similar parents have really helped my heart in a way I can’t explain.
A lot of pain coming through in these comments. This is such an important topic, and one that isn't talked about enough.
@tamara AMEN. This is such an important topic and so very rarely addressed. Which is truly remarkable because in this age, this time, there are more and more elderly people. For some Narcissist survivors, they have help of assisted living for their parents, or siblings who live nearby. And for some people they have only themselves to care for their parent(s). I was 50 when I learned about what the conditions name was, my parent was already living across the street from me for over 10 years. Now, I am 62, my parent in the mid 80’s. Caretaking is constant, my family’s true life has been minimized. Painful. So painful, yet there’s no reasonable way to alter living arrangements, (financially), and no loving way to change the way things are.
@@JessWicked Your last sentence sums up the situation for so many folks. Times have changed and people are living longer than before, but expectations have largely remained the same. It's just really tough, and i wonder what's going to happen to us when we get to that elder point if we've spent all of our energy and resources caring for our parents. And when they're narc on top of it, it's like an extra insult. i wish you peace with your situation.
💯
I think Mr Wise talks about topics that others missed, but are very important for us to learn and reflect on! Espec that Scapegoat stuff that’s so painful and only this Doc talks about! It helped me find closure with that and understand WHY I was targeted! This is a great channel!
@@Juke582 i so agree about Jerry and this channel, and i also agree with you about scapegoating. Being the scapegoat is no fun, i hope you've found some peace and healing from that.
The trick is to move far enough away that you aren't around for their elderly care 😅
Done
That’s what I did!!! Opposite coast!
Everyone gets old one day!
Wow really messed up
It won’t help as we are a phone call away. 😢
I worked in hospice for many years, and sometimes I'd have a student or colleague speak critically of some adult child of a patient that was refusing to be involved. I'd remind them that we only know the patient for about 6 months and have no idea what kind of parent they were, therefore we can't judge. I'm going to be one of those adult children; my mother has gotten more narcissistic with old age, and while I'll make sure she's taken care of I will not be the one doing the caring.
Perfect example of taking care of yourself!
My therapist stated it was in my best interest to not care for them, but I was more than welcome to visit them as often or as long as I wished when they’re under someone else’s care.
@@sarahhamelinck6503 That makes sense. It makes a difference when you're able to leave as you need to. Two hours is my max rn, and I'm sure that will hold when my mother needs care. She has it in her head that she'll move in with me when that time comes, but I refuse to do that to myself.
@@beaucarbary5619 That's exactly my situation too. No matter how many times I tell my Mom I will not take care of her. She stays in denial and thinks I'll change my mind or some magical thing will happen. I had lunch with her today and that was so much easier than a full day with her. But she still managed to complain to the waitress as usual. ughh
@@TJ-id6ee Yeah I keep telling mine too, same thing. They think if they pester about it enough they'll get their way.
I’m ready to disown my parents!
They’ve taken my whole damn life.
I did it! And the only regret is not doing it sooner. They filled my life with so much poison, toxicity, backstabs, betrayals, negativity, sabotage
@deliquescencemusic not your whole life. You're still living.
I disowned my mom. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
You can do it. there are many of us who had to make that first step it is the scariest thing in the world at first but I promise you you have what it takes to live the rest of your life free of abuse.
A narc only gets worse with age. Especially a covert narc
with the inheritance game.
Money always the key.
Guess I’m lucky-my father has nothing to use that way😂
You do deserve anything with that attitude!
@@madisona3907 What ??!
Yes,just lie my mother.
I’m going through this right now with my 81yr old parents. It’s not easy. I have tried to be the daughter they expected but i finally broke from trying to juggle their household and mine. I finally told them I tried and I have no more I can give. I’m tired and burnt out. They told me they feel like I rejected them. I’m emotionally exhausted from them and their unhealthy choices and inability to change. This is the first time in a very long time that I’m standing up for myself.
God bless you
I wish you strength and courage. Take care of you first, after all, they took care of themselves first all their lives, no?… then they should have planned their future nursing home, just like you planned a job, a house, a family - one your own.
I'm learning from my elderly parents how NOT to be what they are. They have made poor choices in life and expect others to compensate for it on the other end of their life because they refuse to own their poor choices. Can't happen, we are all only accountable to God for ourselves. Too bad they didn't get it for themselves, but we are not the fixers for them. Loving family also includes tough love and it must be applied when needed. Don't feel guilty to make decisions that protect yourself. No one should be allowed to cost you your health, all aspects of it. Sometimes, you have to take a breather and step away. It's ok. Doesn't mean we don't love or care, just means we are not allowing abuse to us. Prayers 🙏
@@yvonnemasters5078Yes, my husband and I say that we will not do this to our children. We even tell our teenage children that we will not do this to them as we age and if we do they are to remind us of our conversation. I want be the change to our family tree and stop the unhealthy generational behaviors.
Thank you everyone!
My question is why they never die? They always manage to get incredibly old. How do science explain this?
No stress until sources are gone. Like vampires
Because they are literally children living in adult bodies and they don't introspect. They just feed off of other people, things and their environment.
Even god doesn’t want them lol 😂 jk jk
@@Yes0hyes1921fricken hilarious!
@@Yes0hyes1921Haha you're genius 😂
As I always say....The only thing we ultimately owe our parents is reciprocation.
We don't owe our parents anything. Respect is a two way street.
If you mean reciprocating how they treat us, then yes
Woooow - i Never even THOUGHT of it like that! THANK YOU. It's so so SO ...FACTUAL... Wish I could have learned this years ago... And NOW: i pray this knowledge becomes a BELIEF and a MORAL/value/etched into my entire being....
Brilliant.
Brilliant
My mother would threaten to call the police and accuse me of abuse. She managed to get my dad fired from a VP Executive Banking Position. I lived my life in fear she would call my employer with some lies. I've found the scariest combination in the world is a person with extremely high intelligence and an extremely severe mental illness. Yet, not everyone got to see that side. Many people thought she was wonderful! It was a nightmare! I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe as a result of the horrific life I was forced to live.
God bless u fren, i hope u be healed in Jesus Name, Amen❤❤
So true …. People observing do not realize your parent has been “ill “ with something since you were a child and whatever you did then wasn’t enough and it still isn’t enough -thank you
Well they can take care of them as far as that goes. Good luck
Exactly.
If those people like your parents so much, they can take care of them.
I have had the fantasy of them passing since about 16years old. I used to think I was a mean person but then someone explained I was my psyche keeping score of the Narc Abuse. And it was quite normal.
My ageing parents cannot hire domestic help because my mother keeps mistreating the maids and they end up quitting. The last time I visited them, mother tried to pressure me to quit my job and move back in with them to do the household chores. Hell no! 😂
That's wild
My mom attempted the same from the victim help me place. I felt so guilty but ain’t no way in hell. Ain’t no way in hell.
My mother did the same and I realize too late, probably because I'm in the spectrum (authistic).
My wife has found many domestic help. MIL hides her jewelry and blames the help. Last summer my wife and I found all the hidden gems, my MIL said my wife and maid were plotting together to steal from her. As of today MIL is accusing the current help of stealing meat from the freezer.
@@alessandrazaharoff2727hi 👋 love seeing neurospicy folks 😀
I just discovered who my mother really is in 2022. I am 57 year old. I am upset at myself for allowing her to manipulate me most of my life. She convinced me that some members of the family were selfish and bad. I believed her. I discovered the truth and how twisted she can be. Now, I see through her. She only has her tongue left functioning and boy it is a loaded weapon.
Sorry that you went through it for so long
I was 52 before the dawning revelation. We just want a Mother so much, it’s denial of the fact we never had one.
I'm so sorry yall. ❤❤❤
You didn't know what you didn't know. Just think they're children of narcissistic parents that died still not knowing who they were dealing with and blaming themselves. I understand you wanting to have known this sooner. I felt the same way. But I feel like we all knew something wasn't right our assumptions just weren't validated until now. Knowledge is power. Now that you know protect your peace.
I never got to know any of my relatives because I hated them as I was taught. They are all dead now. My living nephews and nieces think I’m a monster in exactly the same way. I haven’t seen my nieces and nephews in 10 years. (thats how bad they think I am 😮)
After my father died, my narc mother "changed." Overnight I became the golden child, or so she pretended until she had a serious accident. When I would not leave my seriously ill husband and move in with her, the mother I remembered returned with a vengeance. During the last year of her life, I had to make the choice to go minimal contact for my own mental health. After 14 years my only regret is I did not do so earlier.
Please do a talk on how narcissists are vulnerable to being grifted, especially as they grow older. They will give everything to a "flying monkey", but not their children, who actually care about their health and well being.
Exactly, it falls under Inheritance manip point
💯
Yep they blow money on “opportunities” and squeeze you to do stuff for free
My mother will buy outsiders gifts…but somehow she never has it when my birthday comes around
My husband and I saw the future. Caring for my ungrateful hateful narc parents and his narc mom. They were draining us financially and emotionally.
We realized they would use us up if we let them. As in they'd be at our funerals if we stayed their slaves. They were making us sick. (Literally mother in law kept "accidentally" giving my husband food poisoning. )
So we jumped ship and moved states away. So far my dad got mad at me for not talking to him enough "you've changed since you moved". Every time he disrespects me I tell him to get therapy and he hates it.
And my mother in law told my son she's written us out of the will. But she still expects my husband to go back and do work on her house for free.
So it's been a case of the trash taking itself out. They're completely on their own when they get sick enough for care. We had planned on staying involved without personally giving them care directly. Now if they need help we'll be like "who's this?".
It's so weird watching a narc destroy their own lives.
They do self destruct. It is bewildering watching my parent being lied on, sabotaged, and abused but still finding it okay to abuse me the only person helping her. It defies logic!
i love your attitude: new phone who dis? good for you!
So many ‘narcs’ connected to you both ?
@@karyne826 yeah?
Two of my favorite quotes (I learned these late in life): 1) Givers need to learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any. and 2) The only people who will be upset with you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any.
The neglectful narc parents barely give the basics to their children. They rely on others to do their parenting for them, giving nothing in return. Then be the brain washed idiot for them as they age. My sister & mother have no empathy for others, only themselves. They are very controlling people. In the long run the backstabbing they have caused to me & others have turned on them. These individuals will shorten your life to extend theirs. This year moving far away from them Thank God.
I've learned they aren't good at keeping up with their schemes and tell on themselves. The truth comes out so clearly now.
Yes! My mother forgets her schemes n makes herself look like the liar tht she is!! I found my earrings and my sneakers in a closet I was like wtf? She literally stole from me and she can't even fit my sneakers. She's stolen so much then turned around and lied abt it, she is so pitiful! Like wtf are u doing with my things? N what else do you have? 😳 Creepy azz
Its so hard for me knowing that they are like this because of their own childhood trauma and neglect, but toxic is still toxic and I can only save myself.
Remember. They are choosing to be the way they are. They went through trauma. Experienced the same abuse they put you through and knowing first hand how it feels to go through that instead of stopping the cycle they chose to continue it. You didn't make that same choice. You chose to be better. They chose to be worse.
My Mother is a narcissist from an ideal childhood where she was loved by parents and many childless Aunts and Uncles as well as Grandparents. She was given anything she needed and experienced no trauma just normal life stuff. She was the center of their world in her family and she grew to expect all to worship and cater to her. So, not all comes from trauma. Perhaps you know the narcissism originated in trauma. This is different. My point is that we shouldn’t assume that trauma was the cause. In my opinion, even if trauma was the cause of a personality or behavior disorder as an adult it is our job to fix ourselves through therapy and growth rather than just inflict our damage on others. I have empathy for everyone’s pain but I will never give a free pass to anyone passing their pain on to others.
@@KaraBaker-ux3wr "I have empathy for everyone’s pain but I will never give a free pass to anyone passing their pain on to others." I agree
Being around narcissistic parents grows old really fast.
The good part of being around an aging narc parent, is that it makes it clear how abusive they are. The last time I saw my mother, I have traveled 8 hours to see her. She immediately started screaming at me to leave... "You are useless, you have always been useless!!!"
Mostly because I stopped being manipulated. When I left the long hallway of a large urban hospital, I could still hear her screams.
I thought to myself, "Thanks for clearly things up Mom."
Same experience here.
Hard to reconcile hating your parents. When I see everyone else's family so loving and together. Just sad.
That's awful.
Wow. At least your mom doesn’t have the fake niceness while she destroys your life. At least it’s clear she’s a monster.
@@shasmeen It wasn't so clear (at least to me) until I was grown. I have indeed learned to be grateful for the clarity... but even then, it takes people like Jerry Wise and Jay Reid (also on TH-cam) for blowing some of the smoke out of the room.
@@fredhubbard7210 Nevertheless, it is a very hurtful experience and I am sorry you had to go through that.
my whole life my mother would tell me how she never wants to be put into a nursing home,once as a kid i saw a bumper sticker that i read aloud laughing,"Treat your kids good today, because one day they will be to ones who decide if you're put you in a home." I didnt know she was a covert narcissist until i hit 30, but id always reassure her, "Brother and I would never allow you to go into a home." I havent talked to her for 4 years,for sure she will go into a home unless my brother wants her living with him.
I spent years telling my mom I will never abandon her, and am now temporarily NC until she at least attempts to get some help. It’s crazy how long we can go before we figure it all out.
I’m going simply crazy right now with my 81 year old mother, who loves to put me down ect, I spent last night crying after a phone conversation with her. I’m 59 and still trying to figure it out and the guilt is eating me alive.
@@lorileewalters2018listen to more of these videos and get some therapist help…. You need the ❤
@@Jp18888 Yes, good loving advice! 💕
we owe these selfish blood sucking narcs NOTHING!
When arguing with my elderly narc dad, I said I never chose to be born, and I owed him nothing for brinhing me into this miserable family. And I would never leave my job to take care of them, i would unalive myself before I would let that happen.
she told me word for word she gave birth to me so that i would take care of her... then she fell and broke 3 ribbs. I have a job and two kids ( one has autism). My mom lives in a different town. for 3 years i begged her to move to the appartment i own in the town i live in 10 minutes from my place. i was expected to work, deal with my kids and travel every day to a different town to take care of her. and i did that for 3 years. Last summer i have said enough. This dear man has described my mother word for word.
I bet you were also insulted and humiliated as an ungrateful human while you were literally sacrificing your life for your mom
I'm 30 and because of certain mental illnesses I've decided not to have children and people take MY decision so personally. My grandmother repeatedly tells me to have kids so I have someone to take care of me when I get old. I just can't deal with that mindset. I already told my parents they're going in a home when they get older. If I had to parent myself growing up I don't see why I have to owe them anything.
The best videos I have ever seen to cover the issues of adult children who survived narcissistic parents and how to heal. Thank you so much, Jerry!
Appreciate it!
Exactly heal. Not have the same unhealthy attitudes
@@jerrywise Could you please do a video on when the elderly parents tries to guilt you back after no contact and the family monkeys are being recruited for backup? How do you hold strong? I keep telling myself "You'll only be feed in several different ways, don't do it" But damn, the guilt is still there.
@@gmoney6595 Thank you. I needed that. I keep telling myself keeping my peace but feeling a little guilt feels better than the price I would pay.
At one point, my mom stopped being able to get to the grocery store herself. Instead of planning ahead, she would call me and say "I'm out of food and I'm hungry NOW," expecting me to drop everything and rush to the store for her!
👺nope!
My daughter was telling me the other day she was going to Starbucks. I told her pick me up a banana bread. She sent me a 😂. I'm in New Jersey, she's in Kansas. But she said she enjoyed the pumpkin spice bread. It's awesome having a good relationship with my kids I missed with my mother. Remember don't let them break you down anymore. The last time I saw my mom, my sister was in the hospital. We only talked about my sister. Only because I had a rental car and could take her home and get her set up from the hospital to home. My mother's car was in the shop I guess. I flew in from Jersey. They still live in the same town. My mother is one of the reasons I don't live in Kansas.
Oh I know how that goes! My elderly (and very controlling) mother is constantly asking me for last minute help. Never ever plans ahead, so I am constantly blindsided with her last minute text messages, needing something from me within the hour. Can't wait to move 50 miles away, my plan.
I wouldn't answer the phone.
@@fenderblue9485 😆 duh you weren't talking to me. This isn't even the comment I made 🤣 I'll delete that novel now 😳
They don't get better, change and warm up to you. They double down and get worse and worse, the mere idea of discussing truth and reality to them becomes a flashpoint for a rage fit. My narcs just told me to never come home, they want nothing to do with me - they are the victims at this point, after I put up a boundary and called out their abuse.
Boundaries make them furious and hell would freeze over before they ever take any accountability or apologize and mean it.
I just called my mom out on her abuse. She is 89 and I have been taking care of her for over 10 years. She lives in her home and I live 6 miles away. She has Alzheimers. I have searched far and wide (I have a medical background) to find treatments for her such as HBOT, MCT diet, vitamins, exercise, etc. I take her everywhere and spend about 16 hours with her on weekends. Recently I did 40 HBOT treatments for her which meant I was there 5 days a week or more and I work. Today after may arguments with her blaming me, I walked out. I was cooking her lunch and making 3 dishes for her to have during the week and she was in the hyperbaric chamber. She started banging on the chamber yelling for me and then telling me off for not getting her out within the 50 minute time period. I had my phone timer on which said 49 minutes but she does not understand after a year and a half of daily explanations, that you don't start the timer until the chamber reaches pressure which is only about 5 or 10 mins. I was running back and forth to the kitchen cooking, baking, and checking on her. When she yelled again like that, in spite of all the work I was doing (did same yesterday) I told her I am not taking the abuse anymore and that I will find her another person to take care of her. Then of course she became the victim saying she is scared in the chamber when I am not in the room. Well, she has been in the chamber for over a year and a half so it is nothing new. I know she has AD, I understand that when her MCT wears off she has hypoglycemia of the brain. To make a long story short, it is constant blaming me for anything that goes wrong in her life and making me responsible yet she won't take my advice to actually do anything about it. I have no life, am constantly worried about her but at this point it is clear she will never stop being the abuser she was all of my life.
Our mother overtly expressed her regret that I was born. The fight was nearly relentless, from my first day to the day I finally walked away. The neglect, abuse, supply-seeking, slander, and manipulation never ended. Every attempt to reason with her, any over independent, healthy defiance of her pathological behavior would provoke her rage and vengeance.
That is so bloody sad 😢 I hope you find acceptance and peace in your healing journey xo
My mother turned me into the family servant. I was 12 years old. Including mum and dad we were a family of 9. None of my siblings were expected to help. When mum got old I realised the willing horse had died. I was done.
I'm 68 years old and my 92 and 89 year old parents put the entire burden on me to sell their house and their stuff, find assisted living for them and move them in. It nearly killed me and now I just simply count down the days until they're gone. I get Bible verses tossed at me daily about how I have to honor my parents. It took me until now to figure out they were narcs who simply want to manipulate me to avoid responsibility and exert control.
My parents do the same thing with Bible verses, it's so hypocritical!
narcs are demons
68?! The shit never stops 🤦🏾♀️
You honoured them. You carried your cross. You dont have to listen to others' versions of what a Bible verse says ❤
I’m 40 years old and my mom did that to me before she died. Always saying honor your mother and your father. Making me feel guilty about everything. Especially the fact that I got married and have children. Always putting everything I ever did with my life down and using God and his beautiful word as a tool against me. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You’re not alone. ❤ God bless you in your future ❤
They want you to be happy with the scraps they have provided you because that guilt trips you so you stay obliged.
I'm 47 years old, used to talk to my mom on the daily, we were actually pretty close up until last year when I discovered she's a covert narcissist and explained to her how that has been bringing me down for the last 20 years of my life. She decided to leave my house in which she was vacationing at the time and no longer contacts me. 🤘 So be it. I cannot control another's behavior but I can definately control my own.
Yeah I think my mom is a covert one too. It came to a head as I was going into my mid and late 20s and my fiance and I werent letting her narcissistic boyfriend just abuse us quietly like she wanted. I have no idea why she wants abusive partners but we were not obligated to suffer through it. Especially not when it turned physical and she proved she had no qualms about him threatening to ☠️ us.
I hope you keep knowing your worth. At the same time I hope you get to say your piece, establish boundaries and have some sort of relationship somehow someway♥️
covert Narcissist is very common@@forumkitty
Narcissistic discard once she realized her game was found out.
Ha ha. That sounds silly. I know my mom isn't perfect, but I am still cordial and respectful with her. I won't tell her all her imperfections in her face. That's for me to know. And she gets as far with me as I let her without me needing to cut her out of my life. I have come to accept her, the good and the bad. When she leaves this earth, I will have no regrets. I did my part regardless of her faults. I myself was no perfect child. No child is perfect, why would I expect my parents to be perfect.
I'm not worried about promises, I already know I'm getting screwed over
My narc sibling, the golden child, expected her siblings to cater to her. Not going to happen!
That's gold 😂
Oh hell no!
My lovely dad when dying said ealk away love from your mum and brother they will use YOU I put my savings into your account 30 years later x stay safe a lovely man
Awe, he knew you weren't built like them and he loved you and wanted to make sure you knew your worth. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure you miss him.
You've helped me a great deal. I recently went no contact with my mother, I am 22 and it hurts very much. But everyday it gets a little bit better. I often wonder if I am in the wrong due to my young age but I've been through so much with her. I want to finally enjoy my youth, my dreams, my energy.
I've read so many comments by people who went no contact in their 40's, 50's 60's and older. I went no contact with my mom when I was in my late 20's, and it's the best gift I gave myself and my family. I'm proud of you.
Walking away is a blessing in disguise.
You’re not wrong. I went final no contact last year at 54. Wish I would’ve done it 30 years prior. You got this! 💜
It took me until I was 55 to realize it was an utterly futile situation that I couldn’t fix, and to go no contact. As others have said, I wonder how much of my pain could have been spared - so much pissing into the wind!- if I’d been able to see the truth much earlier. It is wonderful that you’ve gained your personal clarity at 22!
@@katherinetomasello3661 Thanks!! Maybe the younger you are the easier it is to rewire stuff? I hope so 🤞
My parents always told me as a child that I need take care of them when they are old.
As an 11 years old child I said, that I won't do that. And I never changed my mind about that.
Good for you.
Mine did too
My narc parents are in their 70s now. They destroyed my life 2 years ago and I'm still picking up the pieces from it, trying to take care of myself and yet they want me to attend to them. Nope. I walked away and started no contact.
Same here. I understand how you feel.
Yes! Exactly! My mother definitely had me to take care of her as she aged. I was my mother’s retirement plan except she wasn’t wise enough to ensure that I became a high wage earner. Both my parents ensured that I could hold down a job, to not be an undue burden onto anyone but that I would struggle to survive on my own so that I’d never leave them! I finally got away and have been gone for 8+ years but I have suffered and paid dearly in order to get away! I’m sorry but not sorry, trying to “live” as an abuse survivor is a crap existence, especially when you struggle financially! You simply can’t afford therapy and you may struggle to afford basics to life! It is rough and uncomfortable as well as unfortunate. You get away, finally, now you get to try to find a way to fix your problems on your own without any help!
I had worked in my father's business - he asked me to to go without two years of salary - so he could buy a fourth house - said he would make it up to me - news flash - he did nothing and my brother and sister got the house - made the mistake of thinking they cared for me - news flash - they didn't - hope their souls paid for it
I’m so sorry. I have a similar story as well. Just know that all will reap what is sewn and the universe will always send blessings back to you. I am learning that now. I hope you’re doing ok now.
@@BlairWytch74, I too like sewing rather than sowing. I know it wasn't intentional, but anyway. Cheers.
@@seriouscat2231 yup! Thank you and cheers back!
This describes my (late) narcissistic mother-in-law, she lived to age 98! .... she expected so much attention and devotion all these years even though she treated me like crap! After 35 years of her constant criticism and cruel remarks I finally had enough, so 2 years before she passed away my husband told her to stop calling me, to only call him. Oh my, she wouldn't stop asking my husband to *make* me talk to her and she told all of her daughters that I was such a mean daughter-in-law, and "How Dare I" stop talking to her. I think she felt entitled to criticize me and to make some of the cruelest remarks to me when my husband wasn't around. We never caved into her demands and I'm glad I stuck to my guns, who knows what choice parting words she would've had for me, no thank you. So happy she's gone ... but now I have to deal with her narcissistic daughters. The fun never ends lol!
Absolutely true. My Mom likes to corner us into doing things instead of asking if we are available. She never says please or thank you. She goes out of her way to tell everyone how we don't care about Her. A couple of years ago I stopped giving in to Her complaints. I told myself I wouldn't be running arround like a headless chicken. Needless to say I've been branded the Witch of the family because she cannot manipulate me into doing anything I don't want to. I'm fine with that because now I get live my own life.
My mum alienated everyone at the retirement home. She thought she was manipulating everyone against each other and didn't realise, because of her increasing dementia, she forgot what she said to whom. The other people living there worked out what she was doing and avoided her. She got angrier and angrier, making things worse for her. Everyone was so nice to us because I think they pitied us having a mum like her.
She refused to pay the bills for the home help and nurse we organised for her, when she died we were left with a huge bill. So much for inheritance!
She died alone. All I could think of at the funeral was "ding dong the witch is dead."
She's been gone five years, my sister and I are slowly building a relationship back after being pitted against each other for 5 decades. Some days I still burn with hate for her, other days, I'm relieved she's gone.
When news broke that the paternal donor passed, I felt instant relief. Relief that, that monster will never get the chance to hurt me again.
To feel relief when someone passes means they were a horrible person. Parent or not, they were horrible to their children
agreed...
Had the same experience.
My narc mom passed away in 2021....then my sister actually turned into my mom! Words and attitude and all! Sister is an even worse narc and expected me to care for HER too. I literally had no life and cared for mom...her death when I was 50 I was free. No more, sister can suck it. Now I am working through anger and issues! Trying not to ruin daughter! ❤
One more thing is we call it the dangle effect with the inheritance because they hold it over your head constantly.
🥕🥕🥕
they will use "inheritance" to cause havoc... if you think by doing their bidding you're getting it, you're wrong. They will continue to use it after their death to cause strife. Don't count on anything.
Absolutely
Absolutely
eff their money
it's blood money cursed money
This exact set of situations is happening to my marriage. My wife has recognized these issues and gone low contact before our second child is born, based on what happened after our first child was born (a complete mask off, scapegoat, enmeshment mess with her parents and sister). I told her to get ready for the aging angle, and within 48 hours her mother texted her for her SS# because they are preparing their will.
48 hours.
Thank you Jerry, my beautiful wife watches your material now and it has really helped me step away from my own over involvement with the issues.
Your in-laws don't need your wife's SSN to complete their will!!!
Holy tapdancing St. Mary!
They want to pry into your financial information.
My sister's asked me for my SSN because they were "helping mom do her taxes."
No, I didn't give them that information.
They were not happy.
I'm way past caring about what pleases them.
Be careful - narcissistic parents will try to pry into your personal life.
Don't let it happen.
@@OceanSwimmerya they for sure want to pry, but we know that and definitely have protections over our identity. It was just a lame attempt to get a phone call at their demand- which failed.
Since it’s her biological parents they obviously have access to that information anyways 🤷🏻♂️.
Appreciate the sentiment, cheers.
This video has my mother and grandmother -- especially my grandmother -- to a T. One thing my grandmother did was instill a lifelong fear of nursing homes in her daughter, my mother, so that when Grandma got older, she wouldn't have to go to one. My mother has been in one off and on three times in the last four years because of falls, and it's been miserable. One thing that complicates these situations is when the parent treated the siblings differently, and the one who was the golden child just can't understand why the targeted child isn't falling all over themselves to take care of the narc parent.
My parents presented me with their living trust that said I would only get a dollar when they died. This was on Christmas day of 97. I'm an only child and married the year prior to that. My parents weren't rich but they were trying to control me because I wanted to live my own life. I went no contact with them 20 years ago.
Good for you.
Wow. Merry Christmas to them!
My mom had little to do with me. I grew up alone at the mercy of a crazy father who had anger issues, he exploded often and took it out on me. My mom did nothing to protect me. It's sad I never really had a mom. She was a math teacher and always looked after her students, except for the one needing her the most. Christ healed me of all of trauma. I'm so thankfull.
My narcissistic father passed away, at 89, 2 days ago. He always expected me, my husband, or my brother to be at his beck and call forever, even when we owned and operated our own business. It didn't matter if it required us to pay an employee to cover for us so that we could do his bidding. He was also diagnosed bi-polar, so there was constant verbal and emotional abuse, coupled with threats of physical violence. My brother and I didn't shed any tears, we exhaled.
A little over 6 years ago, I eliminated this dynamic by unequivocally disavowed my narc "mom." My golden child brother is in for a nasty surprise in a few years...but it won't be my problem.😅
Can't believe I am feeling so at home here. Thank you all very much for all of your valuable comments. God bless you all.
During parts of the video I felt resistance, like a subtle attempt to justify my parent. Also, it’s interesting that some of the described behaviors that we can anticipate from narcissistic parents I grew up with as the norm. I learned that my parent is a narcissist much later in life through therapy. To be honest, I still struggle with recognizing narcissistic tendencies, because much of that was so normalized. It’s a lifelong process to undo and reprogram to the healthy. This video is a wonderful reminder and it helps me to reinforce what setting healthy boundaries with my parent looks like.
It just clicked how my mom has been going after my son as a new source, like, can't abuse me anymore so she starts a narrative that my poor son is being unfairly deprived of the family, as I have tried to protect us both by boundaries. ❤😂
Yep mines tried with my son yrs ago when he was younger, I think he was abt 7, baby I called her out n told her abt herself she went into victim mode n immediately ran outside n started crying, bytch u not finna manipulate my son n have him as a servant for you n put it on being a grandma. Nope I nipped tht in the bud. My son is now 15 n he sees her for what she is already without me saying anything. He stays far away from her. These ppl are truly sad
My kids mom used to do that to me..when I left,then she started on our then 13 year old son..he is 21 now and hasn't spoke or wanted to to her in 3 years and of course she says its my doing..no,luckily he opened his eyes..but she did a number on him..I just saw a email she sent me saying he only went w me bc I bought him a car..she thinks she knows everything..he bought himself his car and motorcycle and lives on his own w his gf..psycho people..and these are the ones to live to 98..and.the good people die young
@@killerkennyas OMG yessss!!!! I just told my narc mom this a few days ago.... The good ppl die young n ppl like her AZZ live for fukin ever 😡 And she also thinks she knows everything! You cannot tell her anything! Even when you're trying to give them advice for their own good, or even make points. Its so fukin irritating because you don't know everything ma'am! And I swear to gawd she's wrong abt 95% of the time. She's just like a fukin child I cannot wait until I can get back away from her
My brother badgered the hell out of me so I'd move my mother in with me to take care of her. She didn't have a memory problem, but declared she didn't know who I was, or who my son was. She certainly knew who 'brother' was. Double gaslighting! It didn't last long because I almost lost my frickin mind!😮
Why doesn't he move her in with him?
You were good to try, mine moved back to her home province after her middle husband retired, I could have used her back up here with my kids but that's someone else's life then with covid I couldn't visit, now here so many old folks homes closing but not hers as it's a gouvs, what blessings I've had!
let me guess your brother is the golden child, and you are the scapegoat.
@@miriam100ful Right on! I'm in my late 60's now and he still thinks I need to conform. Ha! I have defected from my family of origin. Our parents are long gone. My goal is to live out the remaining days of my life with a sense of clarity and peace! ❤️
omg!!!!! they both sound so toxic! sound like my family members!
No contact is the only way to freedom! Never forget how dangerous narcissists are❤
My mum point blank told me all my life that she had kids so she would be taken care of when she's old. I thought that's normal 😂
Obviously a perk is that you'll have adult children that help you when you're old.But here's the thing....The adult kids that HAPPILY help care for their elderly parents were usually well loved & cared about by the PARENTS so it's just basic reciprocation.These screwballs however treat us like 💩 when we're defenseless children & then honestly expect us to help them like they were the most awesome parents on 🌎.They don't understand that it's a 2 way street, they just 💭 they can put in the minimum to get the maximum🤢.
Mine told me I've got the chance to grow into adulthood because they clothed, cleaned and fed me and it's an unpayable debt. I explained well then I'd have died if the basics weren't covered. The reply? "Exactly, see what we did for you." Um okay got it.
Years ago when I moved across the country and built a new life away from Narc Mom, I made it clear I was never coming back. Her response was "I don't know why I even bothered having children" . Wonder if I can get that printed on a Mothers Day card? 🤣
@@miuthub7954wow, Mother, thank you graciously for not letting me DIE! 😅
When my wife and I got married I tried to have a conversation with my parents about how they needed to financially prepare for old age and end of life. I had this conversation because with the birth of my child I was doing my will and estate plan and asked if they had prepared. I was dismissed, so and told my wife that if they aren't willing to do any work then neither would we. You see for both of my parents I am there most successful as well as the most abused child. I am not going to give them any time, effort, or money to take care of them.
Describing my parents perfectly. . . and how they've warped my children.
My parents turned my kids against me also. It's hard to comprehend
my mother turned my daughter against me. So I said that's okay you don't have to talk to me anymore 3 years later she inserted herself back in my life and is giving up my mother
@@drendabaerwolf7888 pleased that turned out ok
I have parents who got a bunch of free labor out of me as my mom pretended to have dementia and stage 4 COPD. It got pretty suspicious as the symptoms disappeared every time my brother and her sister/my aunt came around - and there was always some reason why she couldn't use her supplemental oxygen. I'm such an idiot - she pretended to have cancer twice and lied to people about having stillborn twins.
They love the constant attention and sympathy yet they have zero for others. They are soulless.
I saved my life and moved several states away. I put in an 18 year sentence stuck on a farm with a monster, and never looked back.As the only girl, l was NEVER going to be stuck taking care of that B.
They don’t get better, they get bitter
It’s part and parcel of ageing!!! It’s LIFE, better get used to it and adjust or adapt accordingly!!!
What if they are already bitter? They get more bitter?
@@larryl2398 It doesn’t get easier…
@@larryl2398 that’s been my experience
So true.
For me, mom has gotten much worse as she ages. Perhaps it is two-fold, worrying about getting older and the fact that I've gotten better at not being duped by her manipulation. Gradually, it has affected me less and less, but what a painful process! Thanks for videos like this. It has been a part of my education and therapy!
My mother is about to turn 70 and over the last year has just been awful. The positive thing is that this has woken me up to the reality of what's been going on for the last 45 years. She has told us that she will see to it that she will never live in "a home", but I do know that I will not be taking care of her. Agreed that these videos are very helpful!
My mom will turn 52 this year and I started seeing it once she got a narcissistic alcoholic boyfriend who abused her as well as me and my boyfriend. Once my grandma passed from cancer, it got a lot worse and it was like she no longer had anyone forcing her to pretend to care about me. I realize now my grandma is why I got any decent parenting out of my mom. There was a few years my grandma had to raise me in middle school while my mom was almost dying from graves disease and those are probably the least problematic I had in my life until I went no contact with my mom 15 months ago
This video was timely. My covert narcissist mother has been in a care home for about eight months. I’m trying to get her house ready for sale in order to fund her care. She did a bunch of stupid things when she bought the house so I’m in ‘conversations’ with the local council around getting the house compliant with their rules…..long story. I’ve been taking my mother out for lunch once a week, out of a sense of duty. She spends the entire time big noting herself, sometimes reiterating the same story of her success. This week my wife told me to take a break. It was wonderful! I wish I’d taken a longer break, maybe 45 years ago!😊
My god! I'm in exactly the same situation. Mum moved into a home three months ago. I'm the only child aged 67. She is 96. She's starting to become very entitled again. Bossy and disparaging.
@@berenicehickey9755 Sorry to hear that. It seems to be a common story.
My mom hated me and never said, I love you. I did everything for her. Starting from age 5yrs old. She was a witch putting spells on me all of my life . Just to take care of her. She ruined my relationship. After my dad passed, I walked away with no contact.
I feel for you! I would say “I love you” to my 90 yr old mom & I meant it but she wouldn’t say it back but she would pour on the lovey dovey with my golden child sis on the phone. She would be looking straight at me making her narcissistic smirk. I’ve been no contact for a few years & sis is her caretaker. I wish that the 3 of us could have a nice loving relationship & share the caretaking but it is not to be.
@James-dk8bp I went no contact as well. It has been a little over 2 yrs now. I even moved out of state.
My mom said "I love you" only if/when she wanted something. As far as I'm concerned, those three words are the most abused words in the English language.
Thanks for sharing. Yes, my mother said the only reason she had children was to ensure she had caretakers when she aged, a means to an end.
My mother became all these things. It gets bad. While most felt she had dementia, I have emails that may prove otherwise. She was cognizant and strategic. And I think she literally wanted me to give up being employed, for the family business, that was making no money. It became insane. I didn’t live with her, but had to get the heck up outta that. I think she started to be known as crazy, but not necessarily demented. An officer told me she could not be stopped. Note that, sometimes, they’re not simply doing things without consideration and are indifferent. They may be FULLY cognizant if what they’re doing, are trying to minimize and control you, because they’re trying to let you k ow that nothing you do has any importance, unless it’s for them.
I think they want you to become codependent with them especially if their spouse has passed. Almost every time I speak to my elderly mother I end up saying “ no is a full sentence” it’s exhausting.
I went no contact years ago. My single brother and sister, who are single due to mother’s lifetime of abuse, live with her, and take care of her. They’re trapped.
Of course singles get less respect for their time as if they should always be available.
They want you to drop everything and run to them for helping them, because they can feel superior and satisfied, they can confirm the manipulation works. I’m surprised you had still in some contact with her in your 60s! Thank you for sharing jerry
My parents are in their 60s but it seems like I'm being groomed for the eventual caretaker role as my brother keeps his distance. He's married and I'm single so that means his time is seen as "more valuable" as well. Parents are divorced and already have me doing things that a spouse would normally take care of (i.e. do mom's yard work, provide dad with therapy and emotional support, etc). My dad is a narc and can be difficult at times and that's when things are going good. He moved five minutes away from me several years ago. My dad tries to triangulate me with my brother and complains to me about him not coming around. My dad has been saying things like "if I'm here next year" for the last 15-17 or so years despite being in decent health. Or something like "who's going to take care of me?". He can be difficult when things are going well so can only imagine how nasty he could be in old age.
My dad tried to get me murdered by police before. And falsely imprisoned in a mental hospital. It's scary that people know it's a lie but justify his evil because what did you do that made him do that? I must be a monster if my own dad would do such a thing. That's why I'll never have anything to do with him ever again. Far too dangerous and foolish. They spent decades making their bed, now lie in it. No, stupid narcs! Not that kind of lie. 🤦♂
13 years no contact and I get a call from Narc Mother "do you want us to include you in our burial plot? We're buying room for you and your sister next to us." - nope, thanks & have a good day. Elicit sympathy and we-care-about-you-until-our-end BS, honey. These people never relent!
Yeah, controlling you even in death. Lol.
Don't forget all dysfunctional families are different. My parents parenting stopped when I was not far over 18. If you have special circumstances like me, use it if your parents expect looking after in their old age. Be strong against them if your truth is the real truth.
Yeah, I was homeless the day after graduation. They know not to expect a glass of water from me after that.
And those types rarely "parent" before 18 too. To hell with them!
My mom had to care for me because of special needs. Basically lots of mental illnesses, and then physical ones as I got into my late teens and older. I was not diagnosed autistic until a month before I turned 18. Suddenly she stopped filling my medicine organizer, she was expecting me to do the shopping because she was 'too anxious', expecting me to do so much stuff she never did much of. Dishes went unwashed, laundry went unwashed.... It was a hoarding situation. When my fiance came into the picture he ended up doing them because he had the physical ability I didn't and wanted to help me out. He's also autistic and I was a lot of help on improving his psych health where he basically never got resources on it. If it wasn't for him, I never would have been free from my mom. He took the physical assault that triggered our fleeing the situation. His mom was pretty neglectful too but she passed about 6 months after we got together and my mom was all too willing to call him her second kid and all this.... Until we started fighting back against her boyfriends abuse. Then it was my fiance was a bad influence and this and that, even making me a middle man to communicate with my fiance because she couldn't talk to him without her BS being seen through. The narcissism explains so much of my childhood suffering.
This was so validating to the feelings I have toward my 82 yo covert narc mom. Dad died 2 years ago and between that and her age she has only become worse with the manipulation, guilt tripping, and victim mentology. I’m an only child and it all falls upon me. She has money to hire a housekeeper, lawn maintenance etc, but refuses to do this; she’d rather give us money we don’t ask for so we feel obligated to do these things for her when we don’t even have time to take care of our own place. She expects us to take care of her problems and be her entertainment. The community thinks she’s great, because they only see one side of her, and I feel people think I’m an awful daughter for not being there all the time for her. After a lifetime of dealing with her, it’s sad to say that while I’ll grieve when she’s gone, there will also be relief.
My mom kicked her bf out a few years back and relies on me to do her lawn/yard maintenance despite my own yard being enough of a time suck. I know what you mean.....both parents like to gift me stuff I don't want/need and then feel obligated for me to do stuff in return. Then my dad has the nerve to point out things on my own property that "should be done" and are not when he comes over.
The whole societal expectation of how kids should take care of narc parents, and how you're a failure that you don't take care of your parents is a big one in my life! I was subjected to parentification and was a full time parent at the age of 9 for all of my brothers. Then she had twins, when I was 16 and guess who was full-time mother and couldn't go to school? SMH it wasn't until I saw her grooming my children that I finally went full NC. I am the one who has broken the cycle
❤ For all the children of these parents on here.
Unfortunately this is the way society views parenthood, especially mothers. They gave birth to you therefore you owe them for the rest of your life, but especially when they get old. This mentality is reinforced by religion and the commandment- Honour your mother and father.
I think you will find the next verse is to the effect parents don't provoke your children ......generally conveniently forgotten
It also assumes that they were parents to you not psychological torturers
Many of us who were adopted have an extra dose of gratitude and obligation demanded of us. Especially if we're female.
🤮
Good thing we've never been religious. (Sarcastic joke)
She knows I give what I get and when she stopped pretending to be concerned when her boyfriend abused me and my fiance and progressed to physical abuse, we fled. I stopped caring what happened to her the day she stopped caring about me. Although I see now that's not really true as she never cared about me, and so I did until the day I realized she didn't care about me. Rose colored lenses are a bitch.
Honor your mother and father does not mean you have to put up with them. It is directed to children with good parents to be respectful of them and to listen to good, moral teachings. Parents who are abusive are not Christian, even though they are baptized as one. So they exempt themselves from God’s reward of children looking up to their parents and respecting them.
I totally agree with the financial part. My stepfather and mother threatened changing their will because they were angry at being called out for their behavior. They sent it to my sister and brother in texts and kept me out of the loop while also insulting me in those texts. My response was, "Good. It's their money, they should do what they want with it and be happy. I never wanted it anyway. What I needed was what they were unable and/or unwilling to give."
I told my parents they can live with their only son or golden girl because I not be doing anything but picking the home out. They are 70 and do all that you talk about. They gave my brother a 500k house but refuse to tell me (the oldest) what the will says.
I'll be blunt, but most likely you're not in it. However, helping them wouldn't change anything. You could bankrupt yourself to care for them and they still wouldn't give you a dime.
👍 You're not in the will. Everyone else will have a copy, but not admit to having one.
These parents, just because they get old and physically frail, don't change. Past experience has taught me that if you crack, if you soften, they take it as a sign of weakness. They won't appreciate the help you give them whether it's out of duty or love and if they promise you money in exchange for the sacrifices you are making to care for them, there is a strong possibility out of sheer malice they will renege on the deal. Run for the hills. Save yourself. Don't trust them. It would be helpful to have advice on what strategies people adopted to manage in practice terms explaining to people why you don't go to family at the usual family occasions e.g. Christmas, Easter etc.
I'm certainly not going to my mom's funeral. Nor explaining why.
Yes all they do is renege and waste breath on what they “can” do
The wills of narcs are often the last way they can hurt you. Try to get something before they die. I didn’t bother, but it would be wise.
The sheer amount of pain in the comments is palpable. So much wasted potential and broken dreams. In far too many of these comments I feel like I'm reading my own story. To anyone under 35, your dreams and desires are a gift from God. If you trade them for approval from your family, you will receive nothing but soul crushing agony. You will resent them so intensely that it will destroy the relationship you sought to salvage - even with the parent you somewhat care about.
Once you cross over 35, your parents start aging quickly. Not only that, you'll start to notice your own grey hairs multiply rapidly if you have been stressed out by dealing with them. You don’t have to convince me or justify your decisions of moving thousands of miles away, or even to another country. You don’t even need to justify your decision to stop any and all contact with your entire family. If you were a scapegoat too, you've been brainwashed into an awful role in an awful system. You just want to live your own life finally, give yourself permission to live it, no matter how old you are.
Your dream and your imagination are patiently waiting for you!
💯
I'm 45 so I guess it's too late. Had thoughts of moving away in the past but never acted on them. Nor was I ever encouraged to. Parents in their 60s now and feel like I'm being setup for future caretaking. Although if I'm being honest, I have been caretaking in some ways (i.e. being a therapist or sounding board) for a long time.
@@larryl2398 Please don't give up. You deserve to prioritize yourself and explore your dreams. You only get one life to try some of the things you're curious about. Even if your parents do need you in the future, you can still do so much in the present. Rooting for you!!!
@@siiiiiuu7 Thanks
@siiiiiuu7 for the encouraging words. You are right. There is no better time than now. I tend to put too much focus on the past or future, and not enough in the present.
@larryl2398 As someone in my early 60s, That's Not Old. Unless they already have severe chronic health conditions you probably have another 20 - 30 years to "look forward" to. Run now, before it's too late.