How to deal with Narcissistic people? | Buddhism In English
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You can't change narcissist with kindness, they see compassion and kindness as weakness, I tried almost 21 years, and I lost my most valuable time.
True
Totally understand Prasad. 20 years and still counting:(
We’re dealing one with our son, my hubby gives him all what you’re saying to no avail. It’s been 6 years and we don’t have time anymore. I agree tho about the choices within themselves to change abut def they’ll never listen to our ideas, we’ve given him all the patience, and again to no avail.
He continues to take advantage of our kindness. We’ve seen his good parts as well, but still he continues to manipulate us, his parents.
I can agree tho that he needs our help and no one can better help but us as his parents.
@@marifujisawa2942 Give an example of how your son takes advantages of you? How old is he? Also your definition of taking advantage may not be. He is a CHILD and you are an adult. Can a child take advantage of a fully grown adult?
@@marifujisawa2942 I totally understand you please take away the privileges and let him suffer the consequences then he will learn.
With due respect to you, sir,I have completed 30 years with a narcissist. I can assert with confidence that no amount of patience, compassion helps at all.It ultimately consumes you and leaves you defeated.Coz a narcissist never changes at all.I don't mean to offend you ,sir.But ths is my own experience.
They thing is, his mindset applies when you are not a victim of the narcissist and only when you approach them from outside.
I also happen to have lived decades of abuse from narcissists and it's almost impossible for us to help them since we are already being preyed upon (and it's us who need the help). We have not the ground where mentally healthy people normally are, where such can be assertive and set boundaries. We just can't, so they easily run over us and continue to feed from us, perpetuating the cycle of abuse since they have violated those boundaries ages ago. Good fortune to you.
Yes agreed....
I had given him chance
But that fellow didn't change and his behaviour was same
Read my comment, yes indeed.
True mam , I hope everything is fine for you now.
I am on my 27th year with the biggest narcissist I have ever seen. And to think I have to live with an unknown number of years more with him makes me sad most of the time.
Narcissist are very dangerous people. Once you figure out who they are it is best to get out of the relationship. We don’t have to hate them we don’t have to be angry at them but we should not give them any access because they do not have any boundaries.
100%
U r right 👍
Yes, I agree with you. But what I think the lesson could be for those of us who have been involved with NPD is that WE have to develop boundaries and love&respect ourselves enough to not be prey to becoming the "supply" of somebody suffering from NPD. They have no boundaries, true, but if we had healthy boundaries, we would not have fallen "victim" to their dynamics. There´s a huge, painful, dangerous lesson to be learned for those of us who become involved with NPD. This is only my personal opinion.
Muu
@@elizabethsinnott2267 absolutely true. I am now in love with a narc but refuse a real relationship with him. We both love and care each other but i am strict with my bounderies, i say no and no stays no if they want too much, i make jokes when he displays narc behaviour and that helps. I have to say there is definitely some awareness in him and he is sometimes very honest about what he did or does. Also he suffered a lot from his behaviour and wants to change it but cannot help it because he is wired like that and not fully aware but i love to see how he changes with me. I am very kind understanding with him but i have to work on my listening skills and not get defensive. Actually i just have 1 intention to see him blossom and that is what i see happening in front of me without the expectation that he will change completely, but i hold him lightly not thight means i do not need him, i let him free, i can let him go so i do not have to suffer from his behaviour. It is very beautiful what is going on between us, i can see the wonderful person behind his ugly behaviours and love that while ignoring the bad things.
My ex-husband is a covert narcissist... pretending to be a very great human being in front of the world, but is very selfish and stone-hearted in reality. I continued with the marriage despite being abused in every way, in the hope that one fine day loving kindness will make him feel bad, and force him to transform his inner self. He was also aware of himself, and his insecurities and hatred for people since his childhood.
But, after 7.5 years of mental, emotional, verbal abuse and multiple extra marital affairs, he had finally folded me in. From a happy person, I had become a Trainwreck, who had no reason to exist.
He wanted a divorce on his terms, and all he told me was a "sorry, I'm a bad human being, and I can never change"!
A narcissistic personality type must be left alone to face themselves, their hatred for themselves and all the world, their genuine anger for all things kind, loving and caring. When they have no 'host' or 'supply' they are forced to survive on their own - which puts them in a corner. They no longer have any energy to go on in their lives, and need to find another 'supply' (temporary fix) or transform themselves through spiritual practices (permanent solution)
I agree with you, kind Sir, that loving kindness has great power, yet at the same time, we must protect ourselves from being completely consumed by the narcissist.
Leaving them to face their own karma is the best🙏
I know what you are talking about. It's so easy to speak and advise but to go through the real narcissist is soul destroying. Was also covert, a doctor and considers himself proud spiritual healer. Went to school with Sai baba so people respect. Gosh!! The love bombing he would not take no for an answer. Later the cruelty he unleashed on me. I would be crying and he would go on saying, You woman you woman shut up shut up you woman.. and You are the ugliest person I ever met....
Cruelty came naturally to him. He would fly into a rage if he didn't like something. It breaks your soul. Run from these people. Run!
@@meeraraj0 yes, cruelty is natural in them. Their karma will force them to move towards the light...one fine day! Meanwhile, you must protect yourself. My empathies!
So sorry for what happened to you. Thank you for sharing this insightful comment. Loving kindness yes, but we must balance that with our mental health and wellbeing as well.
Yes one who live with them knows how the victims feel. Even god cant change. Let them rot n hell.
Sister,all my prayers for loving kindness to you to evolve above this situation! 🙏🏼
Psychologists are of the opinion that one cannot change a narcissist; rather, one should run from them and go no-contact. Being patient, kind and understanding with them is always seen by them as 'narcissistic supply' and they love it as it feeds their narcissistic tendencies.
Very true!
Correct
Very True. I have worked under a narcissistic boss for 8 full years. I have come to a conclusion, that if you want to have a peaceful, happy , progressive career, run away from those bad people.
Always , gauge the traits early, and act fast if its a professional setup. In my opinion, those people are not worth our patience.
If a person is closely related you , then its every individual who is dealing with those narcissists are in a better position to decide.
I agree with you.
Very very true.
I agree with many commentaries here that Your Venerable's advice on narcissists are not helpful in real life. Victims of narcissists often see their kindness being taken advantage of, narcissists are very good at manipulating people, even breaking people's heart to get what they want. Stay kind in your heart, don't let the narcissists change you, but you may need stronger boundaries and stay away from these people, or reduce your contact with them.
I think he means patience is a boundary and listening and kindness is a boundary. Boundaries not barriers. If u are having issues with a narcissist they are teaching you something, it can be a gift and an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
@@becksarmstrong8264 we do not treat them badly. Just need to limit contact with them. Yes they teach us to love ourselves more and hold firmer boundaries
Narcissists Does not care about Others !
And no matter how Much you do good/try to be good, obey their commands,etc YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH for them !
U will get Fed up and they still will KEEP CRITICISING, JUDGING AND BELITTLING YOU
And they Just Love to Exploit others boundaries without COMPASSION
1000% correct
I have been dealing with a narcissistic husband for 17 years and ended up as a depressed mother after tolerating all his abusive behavior. As a Buddhist I tried to see all good in him and ignored the bad . But now I suffer with narcissistic abuse syndrome which is not very easy to come out of . Not only me even my daughter.
I am suffering for 27 years now. I too have a daughter. More power to you, dear Gaya!
Hi 🙂, I just read your comment unfortunately I totally agree. They never change. One of the first video I watched about them said you can't fix them with love. All you can do run. Because of my ex I didn't understand what is going on with him first. All problems I was thinking me. But when I started to face the true and I figured it out he is a narcisist. Helf me lot. I know now my mom was too. I do everything to fix myself and see myself I am strong beautiful and good just as I am always been. I send you healing energy on your way. The best just love yourself the best advice. You are a fantastic human being. I wish I can give you a big hug.
@@smithaa1078 thank you so much dear Samitha
I can understand that times are very difficult for you. But according to my suggestion you should leave him. Because his behaviour is not only ruining your life but also your daughter s . You are very strong and full of patience that to tolerated him so long. But continuing rest of his life with him will not be a good decision.
@@smithaa1078 i suggest the same thing for y too dear
Everything you are saying is what I did for 25 years. I follow many Buddhist teachings, but I am not here to be a doormat. Self love and self worth are more important than mental and emotional abuse.
The best thing you can do when dealing with a narcissist is just walk away...I dealt with a narcissistic father for 40 years and they never change. That's why it's classified as a personal disorder. Surround your self with people who uplift you and support you ❤
Absolutely
What to do if leaving not possible
@@tapantiwari3539 good question! Than you must be on guard all the time. A narcissistic person will always try to manipulate you to his/her advantage. They either the victim or the greatest of all time.
Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately I have to agree with many of the comments below...people who have been involved with narcissists have usually shown extreme kindness, compassion and patience . But the more kindness. Compassion and patience we show ...the more abusive the narcissists behaviour becomes....and the more abused and destroyed we become. A more useful talk would be on how to let go with love and compassion in our hearts. If we are not being shown love and kindness by someone......then we have to leave them.....in order to protect ourselves.... In order to move forward we have to keep love in our hearts for ourselves and the narcissist...PS ...narcissists NEVER listen ...
We know they need our help ...but they don't want to know that ...
Can't agree more... I knew there is no way to deal with narcissists, but just hoping spring eternal that I clicked on this video(I have watched quite a few already before this one). No offense that the video is meant to help, however, I don't think the host here understands exactly what narcissists are. No one does till you have to live with one.
10000% correct. No doubt.
Unfortunately, most narcissist don't know how to love themselves properly. They have a hard time being humbled and learning from thier mistakes because of how fragile thier ego is. In their mind they don’t have any issues, and because of this belief they will not change. No matter how much love and patients you give them, they will always feel that you are the one with the issues and will suck you dry of your love because they don't know how to love themselves. Kindness, love, and patents works in most situations in life, but not for a narcissist. I wish it did. 😔
Totally agree. Narcissists will blame everything on everyone else.
You are totally right. I have tried multiple times and years.
100/ True
Golden words
Very true.
They refuse to internally reflect, so the change never comes. Waiting around for them to finally behave in a healthy, compassionate way, with empathy, is an exercise in futility. It's best to remove them from your life and move on.
There is no changing a narcissist. They think they do nothing wrong. Don't hurt. They don't love as they can't. I wasted years on hoping. I got trauma. He has a new supply. But I respect this video. Thank you.
I don't believe that only kindness can heal them , I frankly feel only Divine intervention can heal them and that's a rarity 🙏🌹
When someone says " I can swim" it does not indicate his competence level.
Kindness, Patience, Metta etc Are the antidotes for these subhuman tendencies of others but most have weak levels of such positive attributes..
Being with a guru doesn't help trust me just makes them feel the guru will forgive their actions and they carry on.
A narcissistic will always be a Narcissistic, bully, selfish and greedy!! I tried all your tactics for over 20 years. Didn't work.Get rid of these toxic people and see the positive changes in your life. X
Thank you so much for your great wisdom. My dear mother was a narcissist and my sister is too...very like my mum. I loved them both dearly all my life, always kind, listening, as patient as I could be. They never changed, always selfish, hurtful, treat you like you only exist for them. I have to limit my time around them for my own sanity, but not 'falling out' with them. Always there when they need me. They make you feel like a 'non-person' when you're with them. So sad when it's your close loved ones.
So true. They finish your life. My mother has done and still doing for 28yrs
I am going thru something similar it's heart breaking..I can't sacrifice myself for my narc mother..it's really come down to life or death for me..I choose life!
@@lauriestarseed169 I had similar experience with my dad and brothers. They literally made me want to die. But then I thought, why should I? Even if I had killed myself, they would still think it's my fault. So I made myself dead to them and practiced no-contact. After 3 years of no-contact, I'm 98% recovered. I would never go near these kind of people, ever again.
Yes l've been through the same ordeals and now keep my distance and my sanity 💜
Gosh you must be a Saint! Interesting to know how you coped though!?
I was patient for a long time, I’ve become assertive and didn’t let my narcissistic brother walk all over me and a big war came out of this. Not spoke to him for the past 2 years. I’ve been hurt, suffered from depression like never before. These type of people don’t deserve your kindness and this is from my own personal experience.
Kindness and patience work beautifully when you're dealing with a basically healthy person who is feeling angry or frustrated. But, narcissists are very skillful in weaponizing your virtues against you. They view your kindness and patience as weakness and will exploit them to hurt you. The only thing that I find to be truly helpful in the advice offered here is to not take the narcissist's hurtfulness into you, to not them affect you. This may not be possible if the narcissist is someone with whom you have a close connection. Also, if you have a family history of abuse, this may not be something you can manage, and you should not feel bad about it. The most important thing, when dealing with a narcissist, is to find a way to protect yourself, then if you can manage to stick around and be kind and patient with them without being hurt, that's lovely. But, don't feel guilty if you just need to get away from them. Some are too toxic to avoid being harmed if you are with them.
@@Naomi-vs1tl Thank you so much for your kind words, means a lot 💕
One has to mentally and emotionally strong as they target these area's to bring the victim down. Develop skills and work on your talents one possess to survive happily with out giving in to them to have control over you. One has to be equal to the task to crack the narcissist.
My experience has been that even if you set boundaries or fight back, you are still unsafe. Narcissists need to be given a wide berth.
@@treesb201 keep safe distance and do not allow to cross lane of your life in the journey of life, if the person is unbearable.
Why is it that the good person MUST resolve/help the narcissistic person, but the narcissistic person can do what ever they like? Why is it the good person's responsibility to help the narcissist, but the narcissist can be as irresponsible as they like? My sister was like that, I've not seen her for years, it's one of the best decision I've ever made in my life.
In my view, we have to be kind to ourselves first and walk away to allow narcissist to face the consequences of his or her actions
I agree. When I worked out my brother was a narcissist I didn't want to believe it for a time, I still don't understand altogether why he is the way he is. A few years after having nothing to do with him I feel free from a heavy burden. It is sad, they are not happy people and they do suffer but do you really want them to take you down with them?
Giving a narcissist attention feeds their abusive behavior. Removing them from your life and practicing compassion from a distance is the only way interrupt the disordered behavior and maintain peaceful healthy boundaries in your life. The more attention you give them, the worse they treat you. They never change.
So true. So happy that I banned the narcissist out my life and blocked her everywhere.
Tranquillity is back since than.
Well said, I agree with you in any aspect:)
Venerable Sir, Thank you for sharing great wisdom. I have been listening to your teaching for a while and they have helped me so much to change my perspective of how I look at things especially the negative. I have learned how to deal with them better.
HOWEVER, I completely disagree with you on this subject. The title of the video says, "narcissistic people", but you are not talking about them. BUT perhaps, the people you have had experience with are regular proud, selfish and egocentric people. The things you say CANNOT be applied to real narcissistic people especially in close relationships.
They behave one way with outsiders and another way with their family. They have no compassion, you can NEVER change their mind. I grew up with a narcissistic father who destroyed my self-esteem and I ended up with depression and anxiety needing medical treatment. It was unbelievably difficult to get help from outsiders to get away from him because the people have views like you do. SO PLEASE DON'T SHARE positive views like these with people. These views only make people like us, who are in close relationships with narcissistic people more vulnerable. Narcissists psychologically damage their children in horrible ways. I was programmed to think I was not good enough to be loved or even to be treated like a human being. Children who are born to such parents grow-up damaged. Narcissists see their children as tools -- objects to do their bidding and nothing else. I have experienced them all. They have zero empathy and thrive on controlling and destroying your spirit. They also teach children to lie for them.
THESE VIEWS makes the children of narcissists more helpless. I suffered till my father finally passed away. By then, he had done so much damage. I meditate and have been mediating for the last 15 years. That was the only thing that gave some solace to the abuse I suffered from him. The only way to deal with them is to leave. That is also very difficult because they trap you make you powerless and isolate you from the people you can get help from. ONE WAY they do this is by showing a different face to outsiders. They win you over and that makes people to think they are easier to deal with.
Find the answer for their victims, not to them. THIS IS THE WRONG ANSWER. I apologize if I offended you, but it is the truth. There is a disorder called 'narcissistic victim syndrome'. That is a VERY REAL. Kindness is the trap. They use kind people. Hate intelligent people. Please consider changing your way of approaching this subject. I hope you will get to read this. Thanks.
Totally agree!!
You r very right. I grew up with a narcissist father. When i was 17 i left as far as i could. Whenever i visit now on holidays i can t stand him. I don t think any balanced human being can have a close relationship with them. I think anyone suffering in their hands needs healing. I dis psychotherapy and after praying to Christ i got over ptsd and anger. I think the monk though is talking about sbody being totally balanced , high spiritual level, not affected by people s toxicity and of course not having close contact with them. The rare times that they meet narcissists they can be kind and loving to them. Sure, if i m totally healed from the abuse, i can once a year be kind to my father who i will see for 3 days a year, one hour each day. Even easier with A total stranger
You so eloquently described what having a narcissistic father is like. I experienced this too to a varying degree. It's a confusing life to navigate as a child. A narcissist's self hatred is projected in private onto those closest to them, all they see in others is a reflection of their own darkness. They hate and abuse their scapegoats for what they hate in themselves.
It took a long time for me to realize I wasn't actually the problem. Narcissists are horrible to live with, but seem like such a great people in public. They long for the praise from outside sources that feeds the bottomless pit of ego & insecurity. Yes, we lied for them because we were brainwashed and disciplined to from an early age.
I agree that the advice given here is ill advised & dangerous for anyone in close proximity to a narcissist on a daily basis. I find it to be naive, even though I do believe in being in allowance of others and choosing to not be the affect of them.
Narcissists are attracted to empathetic and caring people like a moth to the flame. They use and abuse kindness to fill the bottomless pit of need and then they spit you out and discard you. When you think they're done with you, and are battle weary and defeated, they come back and build you up to get their narcissistic supply chain started again. Then then the cycle repeats, which is like having the emotional and mental body torn to shreds; an abusive cyclic trauma bond. Being kind is not going to change the dynamic, it just feeds it. Going no contact and using grey rock techniques are what I do now. I choose to be loving and forgive, but I love and respect myself enough not to continue the cycle.
Absolutely agree with you.
TFL
With utmost respect, patience or compassion does not work. Actions of narcissists can not be condoned.
Narcissists often target empathic people so we also have to use discernment and wisdom in not letting ourselves be abused and manipulated. You can be 'kindly detached', inflict no harm and step away. Thank you.
I left an over 10 years friendship because I need to protect my mental health more. I can't take petty quarrels from her narcissist heart anymore. If I have done anything, I have given my all in these many years. May Buddha heal her and heal me as well.
So happy you have never had to deal with a narcissist for a long length of time. Experience is the best guide regarding those types of people. Once that happens, you may give different advice than this.
I have to deal with various narcissists my entire life and realized they annoy you only if you're a narcissist yourself.
This advice is only for the people who can set boundaries very strict and know themselves very thoroughly. Because they can have a nose for the weaknesses you do not see yet, and can try to make you insecure so they can control you better. If you know you are love and loved, no one can bring you of your feet. So practice that love first for yourself, before you give it freely to others 🙏.
Even then, a snake is still a snake. It WILL bite you, given ANY moment of “weakness” or when the human predator senses an opportunity.
Agree absolutely.
@@goldilocks3593 they do yes but just don't give them a change and take it lightly very lightly, no ego no self defense only love and forgiveness. We are too attached to our own selves.
Love your advice.
Approached them with kindness for years and end up taken advantage of to the point of mental breakdown n I had to leave, no contact. They still are in denial and think they're right
This is so true, these people destroy a persons sole,
Yes. Tried that for years too. But now fight back and showed that you can’t take the Piss anymore. 😅them healing ❤️🩹 start.
I have a narcissistic brother. Nothing works except to stay away from them because they don't understand that they have a major personality flaw that is extremely destructive to those around them. They think everyone else has the problem. Unfortunately, counseling doesn't necessarily help.
I hv narcissist sister.. That idiot woman has a problem with everyone.... Me, her hubby., my hubby, her child. Such a waste her life is.... Only materialistic showoff she knows. Bullshit woman
From what I hear most counsellors won't even try to treat someone they recognise to be a narcissist as they know how unlikely it is they will change.
have gone through mental breakdown from psychopathic narcissists . I am taking psychiatric treatment being good to narcissis . Now I have stopped being kind and becoming wise
👏👏👏❤️❤️
I had been fighting with Narc person for many years. Eventually, I was down to nowhere hardly could manage my own life and especially my thoughts/emotions. His strategic goal has been to degrade my personality (and others as well). Patience, kindness, and love are way beyond his comprehension. Nor he is able to deal with people according to those superb human qualities. Eventually, I lost my job as many others did, and escaped that hell. From that day after, I changed two jobs and achieved a lot. I came back to normal, restored my lost life and doing really really good. He stayed at the same dirt and does the same shit to others now.
Plan quietly and run from narcissists-only way to be safe. They don’t get better.
Jo Leslie. I did that. We are all some what narcissists as we are all selfish. If we see that someone is a crazy narcissist, run away!
@@jayangli , smart move!
100% True.
I was married to a narcissist for 30 yrs. They will not change or model yr kind behavior. They will take advantage of you and seek revenge when you walk away. You realize they never really loved you bc they truly don’t hv the capacity to love on a deep and committed level. Best move I ever made!
Well done. I share your relief!
I think the missing piece in this video is that you are not clearly telling the viewer that they have no obligation to take narcissistic abuse. Narcissists prey on people's kindness and desire to fix or ease their pain. More importantly, they prey on people who believe it is their OBLIGATION to fix or ease their pain. Yes, we can and should always exercise authentic kindness and patience, but the best gift we can give anyone who is struggling with a narcissist is the understanding that they CAN AND SHOULD choose to disassociate with that person or adopt other coping strategies if they cannot leave them. To leave that off the table is to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
The majority of victims of narcissistic abuse feel trapped and obligated to stay in that trap. They deserve liberation.
On point.
So true! Kindness is not the answer when dealing with narcissists. They will continue sucking your energy and goodwill because no amount of attention and patience will change them.
You are absolutely correct.
What you said is true. A narcissist doesn’t like to be rejected. How can we be kind and lovable to someone who puts you down at every possible opportunity and makes your life hell? Someone who has sucked out every ounce of your confidence and driven you up the wall to the point you yourself need help for well-being!
The reality is we all have narcissistic traits in all of us.
@@jayangli The reality is having narcissistic traits doesn't mean we are all narcissists. The reality is I can tell you haven't really dealing with a narcissist. No one would understand what it is like to live with a narcissist till you do.
@@dtdasap6221 I see what you mean. Have you ever insulted someone or worse in your life? Have you ever been mean to someone in your life. Then you have a narcissist trait. Actually I was beat up by someone who gas lighted me. Been gas lighted a few times.
How can we be kind to someone who does that? Kindness and compassion doesn´t mean to try to change them or show them all the time kindness, while staying i a abusive realtionship. Kindness and love can also work from distance. It´s a personality disorder, it´s not their fault to be like this, to have such insecurities withhin themselves. Sometimes there is even an abusive childhood with no love. And 50% it´s genetics. They are mentally ill people who can´t feel real love. Therefore one can think with kindness and love towards them. But if we do the same to ourself, than seperate from them as well. Let go with love. Not with anger. And maybe this is the hardest thing to do.
Perhaps, but we don't all gaslight, manipulate and do the harm to others they do. True narcissists are at the end of a very dark spectrum.@@jayangli
I have a narcissistic relative in my family, a very close one for that matter. I have tried everything possible but I found out that association with that person was starting to affect my emotional health. I have now totally cutoff from that person. I wish no harm to that person but to safeguard my own emotional well being, I have to stop all contacts with that person
Good decision satish Kumar, because One rotten apple can spoil the other apples, because there is a lot of confusion can occur when we interact with them on daily basis.
I know several narcissists, some rather extreme. One flaw transcends in them: Loneliness, and it is a loneliness that they cannot live with. Exercise a wise kindness. A hard one that tells them you are not their fool. Narcissists are really covering up deep feelings of inadequacy. True compassion is seeing how this operates in that particular person and letting them know that you know, care, and understand, but are not going to be trapped by it.
yes you got it. I feel that many comments here are from people who didn't manaage to protect themselves enough, when they got hurt it means their mind is not stable or strong enough to deal with negative people fe you should not take what they say or do personally, you should not expect them to change but accept them as they are because that is unconditional or real love. you should keep strict bounderies with them and avoid attachment not to loose yourself or loose your self love. You should never give them power over you in any way like financially, giving your address etc you also need to really understand them and then it is easy to look past their behaviour and forgive it at least when you are detached from them. Humor can also help. For sure you have to be very strong and light to deal with them. Ofcourse some are completely unavailable, i wouldn't invest in them but there are cases in which there is some awareness of their problem and a will to change because they really suffered from their own behaviour. So i believe for some there is hope for others not. First we need to take care of ourselves only of others and i think that there the victim of the narc goes wrong, they did not take care of themselves and their mind and therefore became a victim. There is the job for us, we cannot blame the narc, he is a victim too.
I had to go no-contact with my narcissist parents. They were affecting my mental health. They are so emotionally abusive.
No contact is the only option
You did the right thing and please keep doing it. It might sound mean, but dare I say even they reach their last breath, never go back. My husband was made a narcissist because of both of his parents, but he never left them....People can praise him whatever they want and I can understand that because they don't know what kind of serious harm that his N parents did to him....and now I am the victim. Don't feel guilty, just run.
@@dtdasap6221 Txs for your reply. It's crazy-making, isn't it? No ONE understands. So sorry what you went through re: your husband. I had to leave my brother b/c he won't leave them either. Heartbreaking. Stay strong though. Don't let those a**holes break you. lol Appreciate the confirmation.
All my kindness, compassion and patience tank has become completely empty after I have given it all to the Narcissist. Thanks for your great advice 🙏 but what you suggested is not humanly possible.
Currently I am trying to regain my strength back after fully rejecting the Narcissist. Worst is, she was my own mom .
I just hope to heal completely 🙏
I went through same situation so I can understand
@@soumenchatterjee9761 Narcs never change and they don't want to change. There is no other way other than going no contact.
Same here, my mom thinks m a weak person n anyone can brainwash me n always keeps me at a lower level just because I'm compassionate. N she thinks my kindness for weakness. I now mentally keep away from her.
Curious to know what happiness a mother can get being narcissistic over her kids
@@bidishadaisy337 A narcissist is just a narcissist who cares only about themselves. Doesn't matter if that is a mother/father/sibling/spouse or just anyone.
People with narcissistic tendencies are in the grip of a kind of void that can spread like a sickness. Opening your heart compassionately, as you would to a non-narcissist, will most likely allow the void to pull you in and cut you off from self love and kindness aswell. Around a narcissist, respect them, be kind, but focus on kindness to yourself, and learn to develop emotional boundaries and distance from their influence.
I was married to a man for 10 years that was clinically diagnosed as a narcissist. Research has shown, and I have experienced, they are like black-holes and will suck all the life, your love, your patience out of you no matter how much you try, give and get support to do so.
Early in their lives their personality development was damaged. They are like a tree that grew in poor soil, location or circumstances it never recovers no matter how much care you give it later in life.
Narcissists are callous, and they surround themselves with people they see as inferior. It is a form of aggression. They usually will not truly like you, as they only like themselves. But they will like any form of recognition you give them (even negative reactions), and see you as someone who can supply them with attention, servitude, validation, or admiration. This is a personality disorder described in the DSM, and it resists change. It is best not to be involved with them, and not give them attention. A recommended approach to resist them is what's called "grey rock/stone" in their presence, which is to be as uninsteresting and boring as possible so that they will lose interest in you. You want them to disengage and not see you as a source of attention. Be quiet, be calm, don't react, don't discuss, and stay away as much as possible.
I had a narcissistic mother.Even though I took care of her in old age she was never grateful and used abusive language towards me.She had no money of her own and tried to squeeze me out.She went into a coma and died shortly after that.It was a great relief for me .I mentally felt that God has saved me.Though the traumatic incidents I went through since childhood has not faded in my memory.Im trying my best to ignore them and spiritually move forward.
All religions scriptures says,one cannot ignore one's parents',even if they hurt, insult, abuse, neglected, Almighty says son cannot fulfill his deeds by servicing her lifetime,equal to the one pain she beared at the time of giving birth.
Seeing mother with love n kind is as blessed as doing accepted hajj, Muslim pilgrimage, and God has kept paradise in below mother feet, how bad one's father n mother we cannot take revenge instead deal the love,kind compassion,
One can get multiple wifes,but parents are only one,once they left we lost forever 😭
Bearing their torture is also a worship,we get good deeds on patient n tolerance for their acts
@@murthuzahussain3101 it’s easy to say when you are on the ground, not drowning in the sea
May God bless you with healing Grace 🙏
@@murthuzahussain3101 we r not talking about revenge, we r talking about self defence from abuse
Some people we cannot change guruji because of their big drama. We can forgive thives, killers, etc but We cannot live we cannot stay that kind of dirty drama people around us. Tt is better to live alone
I see where you are coming from, and I agree with the most part. But I do think that instead of helping them or even caring about helping, we must have a more unattached attitude - in the buddhist sense that we must remain unaffected by them liking or disliking us. It seems to me Caring about them liking us only leads to more suffering
The easiest way is to be narcissistic towards a narcissistic. It works 100%. 😊
😂😂😂😂
Narcissists don't know what kindness is. They just need you to agree with their wrong ways.
The term Narcisism is probably misunderstood. Though easily recognized as a trait, what may be more difficult to accept, is the idea this trait is (more or less), shared by every human being. This lesson contains very simple and straightforward guidance on effectively living alongside those who are suffering from too much narcisism.
Kindness, patience, listening, giving your time, and finding qualities in such people that can truly be admired, are healing strategies that help the observed narcisist to adopt these healing behaviours for themself, while at the same time protecting and giving authentic strength to the observer (you as one that has chosen to do this healing work).
The beauty of this lesson, is that it only takes this wise (but not obvious), approach to help us heal on both sides. On one side, the observer that labels the other as Narcissist, and on the other side, the narcissist, who is suffering from too much expression of this quality (which after all, is only a quality that we all share more-or-less).
Few people actually understand that many narcissists who may appear to be arrogant, judgemental, and aloof, are actually nursing a broken heart. If you are lucky enough to not be suffering in this way, and want to genuinely be helpful to someone in this kind of situation, you should be aware of your own limitations in dealing with this effectively. Sometimes you have to walk away to save both yourself, and your sanity. Give only what is manageable for you, and withdraw, when you realise you have given what you can, and it is time to take yourself away from this.
Thank you for this Lesson.
true
I wish you had a personal experience living with these kind of people.. You show your patience n compassion ..they will push you more ... They expect you to stretch yourself more. If you accept them they don't change and instead they will increase thier expectations on you... over you more n more .... Harasss n traumatise you more to impress them more n more ...
They are never satisfied... !!!!
The more you admire the more they show arrogance and take you for granted to degrade you more n more ....
You can’t change a narcissist person with love kindness or sacrifice!!!!
Definitely agree you can't change narcissist ...I'm living with one who has spilt personality his very selfish .drinks and abuses been with him 24 years ...
We need to approach our ourselves with self love and compassion and stay away from the narc instead of feeding them with more supply which they will never appreciate ! Stay away from a narc so that they can learn their lessons in this life time ! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Try explaing this to a 3-month-old. My mother severed the emotional umbilical cord when I was a baby. There was no fixing it. I was terrified of her, she tried to kill me more than once. Yes I was removed from the home under supervision, but returned, and working with a broken system it just doomed me. My mother was also abusive to the adults around her. I had to just leave and lose contact because the older I got, the more dangerous she became to me.
It's true they will never change. They see love, kindness and compassion differently
I tried this with my own brother for many many years, all he did was insult me and hurt me more and more. Sometimes enough is enough so I decided to walk away and stop keeping in touch with him and his family. In his mind he is superior above everything else.
I just walked away from a narcissist ( a family member ) and have never felt so free! I was her puppet and always did exactly what she wanted. She used me to get attention from others and assist her in making sure her reputation was flawless. She finally pushed me too far and at that moment I just stopped caring! This person will NEVER change! I patiently waited for 72 years!
Kindness doesn’t work with narcissists/manipulators. I’ve tried with 2 family members my entire life and several people during my career. They find your vulnerability and exploit it beyond explanation. I want to learn to be assertive with these personalities with kindness and compassion.
Everyone is narcissistic to some degree, commensurate to the degree of selflessness they have attained through practice. I think though, that there is a fundamental misapprehension in many of us about what narcissism actually is; it's not just someone who has an inflated sense of their own value, rather it's someone who is more invested in their reflection/appearance, than in their real self. They change like a chameleon in order to get whatever emotional satisfaction they crave from this or that person or situation. They are deeply disconnected from reality and unable to love. They are rooted in shamefulness deep in their gut. Compassion is best as a response to them, but from whatever distance is necessary for self-protection, as they will use and abuse anyone, even their own children, for their emotional purposes. We do not judge a venomous snake for having venom in its fangs, but neither does our non-judgement make it safe to put our hand in the basket. Narcissists do not change - whatever broke them happened very early.
My narcissist is violent and abusive. My personal safety is in danger. I can't afford to be around him.
This is a true example of healing loving kindness, and it is what I have been missing in other lessons about narcissism. I'm so glad I found this. You are teaching love and kindness and we all know that the soft water overcomes the hard rock in the end. I felt reminded of Angulimala. Thank you.
People with theses traits of character are often those who need the most love and understanding.
They are an opportunity for us to practice patience, understanding and also “detachment from the outcome”. Some do show gratefulness… even though it is difficult for them to change their behavior… and deep down they suffer in their loneliness…
For me they are an opportunity to practice the qualities of the heart … but I can understand that it can be very difficult to live everyday with them…
Some may need to run away from them and others may need to understand them 🙏🧡
Sounds great but I doubt you have spent extended lengths of time with a covert narcissist. This is a job for someone who is truly enlightened. Anything less and you will be consumed. Better too practice compassion on normal people who are experiencing suffering. There is plenty to go around.
@@TheTestride Thank you Sir for your advice 🙏
I tired with a narsisit MIL for five years and gave her love kindness forgiveness understanding and compassion but it is true soft approach does not work with such people. They don't care for anyone's feelings or will never change especially as you said they will change if they want to but worse still the son follows same foot steps and is the same way. Such personalities are not only energy vampires but leave scars on kind compassionate persons who have to move away or be mentally tormented and fall sick due to their behaviour. People never change that's the reason why narsisit personalities are best left to their own.
i was fortunate, my friends rescued me from a narcissist. i didnt even know i was being abused. i am still trying to improve my self esteem.
I helped my sister for a whole year, having to travel over 100 miles every time, I used to support her with her Narcissistic husband and unstable younger son. After a year she was free and moved away. During those difficult times I did all the things you advise. However, after a year I became ill myself after being involved with toxic personalities and toxic situations, I ended up with Fibromyalgia and had to look start after myself, once she was sorted out. However, as soon as I lengthed the times of my phoning from once week, to fortnightly, to monthly, she started using Narcissistic Personality Disorder tactics, like 'Triangulation' telling lies about me to other people I knew..... As I was setting a 'boundary' to start learning how to manage the debilitating Fibromyalgia she became more nasty, so I had to let go in order to look after myself,as it was toxic stress, which caused me to get Fibromyalgia!
When you have looked at yourself and realised why you were a good match for someone that is incapable of regulating themselves and is dependant on the outside world to make them feel ok.
When you have done your own healing and realised that there was a lot for you to learn about yourself.
Then this advice is spot on.
If you're not there yet then do the work on yourself so that you can set boundaries and are unshaken by the childish behaviour of others.
The other option of course is to continue spending the rest of your life as a powerless victim.
Not the way I'd choose to spend my life personally.
I meditate and pray that these particular individuals come into the light instead of being enslaved by mental darkness 😌
It isnt about changing the person with kindness. It is about being able to be kind even with difficult people.
This is true.
No one is saying not to be kind...but they are extremely dangerous people and you need to get them out of your life
And from my understanding, he "is" saying that treating these people with love and kindness will change the way they react to you.
And that is not true.
They can't stop being who they are anymore than a lion can stop hunting game and eating meat.
I agree with the video, and I have helped many narcissists throughout my life, but I also have some caveats. The amount of patience, love, and skill needed to help narcissists is beyond the capabilities of most people. It depends on the level of narcissism, but for the more extreme cases, I think the best thing most people should do is run. A lot of people who try to help narcissists will end up being used and hurt by the narcissists.
In my own experience, helping narcissists is possible even in the more extreme cases, but TBH, the time and effort needed was way too much. As I grew older and started valuing my time and energy more, I just stopped trying to help such people. It's not because I hate them or that I don't think they can be helped; It's because I am a weak and limited person who cannot spare the time and effort needed to help them anymore.
I believe there are degrees of narcissism. A couple of years ago I went through the dark night of the soul and had a spiritual awakening. My mom's narcissism became acutely aware to me and i started to set boundaries and also tried to make a connection with her to no avail. Being patient and kind with her (she repeats herself constantly) would be inauthentic on my part. I see her now as immature, spoiled, childlike and always seeking attention. She is not mean or cruel in an overt way (which is her defense).
I need to be patient and kind to myself.
If you give that attention they will suck you dry and damage you. After 35 years with my husband trying to offer loving kindness band understanding and he is still damaging me and I have tried to leave many times but don’t have the financial ability to leave
Namo Buddhaya,
Buddhism is all about the true nature of our mind. According to my point of view, in this video, He explains how to control our mind according to a narcissistic person (if we have a narsc. person at our home). If one is being rude, it is better the other person to understand his rudeness and be kind and patient. Now this will make less conflicts in life, other than being rude to a rude person. If we are stronger than the narsc. person, we should be able to be kind and patient no matter what... Yes, we might not be able to change a narsc. person, yet we can try, because we are stronger than them. Also, do not get this wrong, being kind and then suffering is not how it's done. Understand the nature of this person, admit it and be kind. Yes you might feel a bit lonely living with a narsc. person, but leaving that person over a condition is not an option, because they are a part of our family. I got the advice this way. ❤
That would be nice if it were true. Got one in the family who comes to me for help all the time. I love this person, so I give and practice patience as best I can.
You can be kind , you can be patient. However you will always be the one to be deeply hurt. I don't think a narcissis will change
Narcisstic people can never chamge.....they have no empathy ......all they want is attention n people to praise them constantly....no use no mattet how much kindness is given to them...they have no memory of the good you have given them.....i believe only Karma can teach them....they have no remorse....but i think they subconsciously know they are wrong but the only time maybe they will admit it ....is their last hour on earth......my Dad was one....
Giving them attention makes me sick...because they are also belittling you within the same conversation ... The only person to give these narcissist attention is a psychiatrist ..
No amount of kindness will change them, ever!!
I think this is true for toxic people who suffered childhood abuse, such as borderlines, emotionally reacting people, but it’s not true for people who suffer from NPD. A true narcissist sees your compassion as weakness and therefore will choose you as a victim. Narcissists are truly sick people, who do the greatest harm to others.
in other words a narcissistic person you are related to
should be a chalenge to you to develop your budhistic self:
wisdom, patience, kindness, empathy.
I fail almost every day
but do not give up
because what you say, dearest monk, is PURE TRUTH.
nevertheless if one is aware and honest with herself
if you do not have that will and strengh
better to just cut any contact and relation with such demanding narcissistic people.
I like this advice. This attitude is always the right way but one has to really train the mind to deal with such people but that is the point isn't it. To train ourselves instead of being selfish and trying to change others. I believe the narc will calm down with such approach but change will only happen when there is at least some awareness of their own behavour and they really suffer from their behaviours, if there is a will to change, that is not up to use to decide that for them. If the narc (i do not like to call them that way actually because they really have also good assets like anyone and can behave human ) turned us into a hater , one that blames the narc
Thank you for this invaluable advice. Where attention goes, energy flows. We magnify their problem by focusing our attention on it. What we focus on, grows. So we should reinforce their positive qualities. A person who can inspire positivity in another, is the stronger.
We all have ego and the narc i s just deeper in his ego so i actually do not like to call them narcs anymore, they are capable of more than you think, observe them closely. The abuse of this people pushed us deeper into our ego's if we didn't handle it the right way: wisdom to understand the behaviour, unconditional love so full acceptance of the person and no expectations, no attachment to this person,strict limits to protect yourself and stable mind, do not take anything personally. Our first responsibility is to take care of our own minds. if you cannot do that indeed you have to stay away from the narc. Do not blame or reject him harshly, he is a human too, if you are love you love all beings no matter what they did or do.
💜 a very hard thing to do but l have taken in your wise words 🌸
He’s talking about selfish people not clinical narcissists. The ones who are truly narcissists look for kind people to take advantage of and spiritually cipher/murder.
This was excellent and the exact solution.
I would say that the goal shouldn’t be to change them but to focus on how we relate to them. We have to become detached whether they change or not.
Trying to change someone is disrespectful and doesn’t work.
Trying to do the things he shared reminds me that love always wins. But sometimes we don’t see how love wins until much later on if at all and yet we love because it really is the answer.
Thank you for sharing and God bless all who are trying to be a bit better.
Eckhart Tolle once said that many people could live whole life with Supreme Buddha himself and never change at all and even aknowledge him. There is one thing You can do - RUN. Leave them, avoid them as You can or suffer and serve their ego to the bitter end. Deal with the truth - even supreme Buddha in most cases can't affect them in any way. Extremaly deep physical and emotional suffering and trauma related to it have a chance to break the shell of narcissism but it happens very rare. Hope to change such people by Your approach it's a life in denial. it's waiting for dog to understand the opera. It is anguish and a waste of your life time and energy in favor of someone else's illusion. It's lack of humility and understanding of reality. These words may resonate harsh but sometimes we need shake otherwise we'll keep dozing. Although buddism sometimes could differ from reality i respect and emanate gratitude to the author of this movie and channel cause those teachings often contain a lot of wisdom.
We just have to fish it out and sift it sometimes.
With love to You all and all beings in the universe
I always Love Your Thought @buddism ❤️❣️
I agree with the patience and the tolerance but it's tough!. I found myself in this position with my father. He never even liked me. By circumstance, we have had to become close. Tears come to me about our relationship. It was emotionally abusive in the past. I wonder if my kindness has transformed the relationship. He does not have the emotional equipment to consider me or my needs. However, he has made progress! My mother, dearly departed, would smile down on us. I am his remaining visitor in aged care. We go out to dinner. I deal with his care advocacy which is a big deal as the aged care home has to be watched at all times. I take him to the soccer club, to dinner, relatives..I took him to his homeland which felt like a miracle of sorts. He has changed as much as is possible for an 84 and a half year old man. Whilst he doesn't understand consideration for how tired or fatigued I might be, I know he loves me more than he ever expected to in his life! It's astounding: the energy of Love Cures Everything.
The most notable sermon ! I just experienced it today. One minute a person is ok and the next minute getting someone to yell at me by setting up ! ( test ? ) Indeed I was patient! ( in fact the situation was empathetic and sympathetic) I wonder I could put up with that situation all the time if one has to interact with that person ! The service industry meets a lot of people of this nature! I was patient but let know that person !!
*Is our society expressing narcism more than ever !? ( distract with yelling, blocking one another in successes, even at work place adapting this nature before staff meetings, before one goes on breaks ) yelling screaming ! Sadly following these as trends today!
Yes, We need to create awareness like this great sermon Sadhu🙏🏼 to bring attention to those people with that sanskar while listening attentively to their behavior and at higher consciousness being in a spectator mode is a bliss as not affecting oneself That too is subject to impermanence until fully established which is ideal in thriving and my edeavour! 🙏🏼 So much inner ☮️! 🙏🏼
So thankful for the wisdom spread, Venerable ! 🙏🏼 Buddhism is certainly a blam for worldly headaches! ( any religion for that matter: heard sermons of Joel Olestein ) We are human and depends on each one’s sanskar ( karmic inheritance before and collecting in this very life)🙏🏼
Patient within wisdom ☀️
❤ good advice! It’s an approach that doesn’t feed the narcissist. Don’t feed into their narrative. Keep your own peace. Don’t throw your pearls to swine! Hare Krishna.
Exactly.. It is not the person it is the circumstances that converts them into a cruel, brutal or a narssistst one.. The only way to deal with them is with kindness,compassion, love .and patience because in the end we all are one pure soul whose creator is Almighty.. Spread love.. Thank You Sir.. Namo Budhaye🙏
Have u been with any narcissist relationship....plz let me know if u can change them seriously not jus by words
That is cute but unfortunately exactly because of these kind advice people got stuck in very abusive relationships and in the end their life is ruined.
God will never help we should realize that people have to help each other and the first step is to recognize: Abuse is always one person exploiting the other, it is about power over the other. No mutual therapy, no fancy or loving god, no being kindess helps, First the abused one need to be helped to escape these relations.
Then other people can be nice to the abusive half after separation (in a mental health center , etc) but to advise people to be more gentle and understanding to their perpetrator…, is sick and very harmful
Understanding their trauma helps accepting the reality that is true.
But please.. we have people with huge amount of trauma who can be loving and normal and we have people with much less trauma killing others. So that is not an excuse but could help recognizing patterns and see that there is enormous problems in society - then do something about it. Vote for right education, vote for equal rights. Its not that mysterious after all. Vote for equal possibilities for men and women, spread the news that men should also stay at home taking care of kids and do houseworks, and so on. That was just an example but in many cases the reasons why someone turns to be abusive is because they simply can do knowing no court, no justice system will make them responsible for it. And this should be the aim, not praying for their lost soul.
Right, that does not mean we have to live with them.
@@645arun No one can, just run, no contact for life!
I have decided to stop being kind to a narcissist. Despite my efforts, I am not yet able to remain unaffected by their negative energy. Interacting with them drains my energy and affects my emotions. To protect my own well-being, it is best for me to keep my distance from the narcissist. Their negative energy is stronger than I thought, and even occasional encounters with them have a harmful impact on me. I can only imagine how challenging it must be for those who have to deal with them constantly.
What I have learnt from the lesson of dealing with a narcissit, is dont expect to change anybody in this world, love yourself more and care for your own well-beings first!
Kindness and compassion shown by you will be considered as a manipulation by the narcissist. So, no way!!
I am trying this for 25 years.....but still he is the same.... always want to control my life....😭
If it was that easy, there wouldn't be so many divorces. Endless kindness to someone like this has never worked for me. It was just played with.
Im 12 years into a relationship with a narcissist, and it has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. I just started following buddhism, meditation, and doing yoga. Things I've started implementing are not responding to negativity with negativity, which I am guilty of, and it's caused me so much stress and him so much happiness. I also responded with kindness, and this caused him to get very angry. I've also told him to talk to me like he loves me and he went silent. Narcissists are dangerous, and I feel he has unholy intentions when he is nice to me back because normally he name calls, accuses, pits people against me and is very very moody 90% of the time. He will look for something to be mad about and start on me about. No matter what I do he is angry, and I've come to terms that it's not ME. Meditation has helped with this, even though he makes comments about it because he's seen positive change in me, he would make comments about anything I do. My mind has grown immensely over the years as ive seen who he really is and that its not me at all. He will never change, but all i can do is make change for myself and find happiness somehow somewhere.
a narcissist can't change! It's impossible.
Definitely it will be changed after their vicious death.But be kind to them and don't care too much about them if they don't listen to you
Thank you for this beautiful message of lovingkindness. Difficult to do, but not impossible
Respected Sir,
Please continue do this in many episodes for us ,we are learning a lot from you.
Namaskar.....
I want to help them and I am, but some narcissists are very dangerous. Some are so powerful in his ways that they infect you, they can bring you to their level or even destroy you.
Narcissism is a trait on a spectrum and it's not even constant. Narcissistic people are the ones that are more fragile and it doesn't cost a lot to reassure them they're worthy.
How to handle my narcissistic husband after 36 years of kindness, patience still spit fire vulgarities everytime he feels like..he dun listen but alwys barking, "No, u listen!"? Dun do house chores but watch TV all the time while barking orders to serve him foods, drinks even off the fan just next to him! Other than divorce, I alwys ignore or excuse to leave house to go for walks, library etc relax my mind. If I cannot take it, I yell back to release my tensions. Then still have to go home and repeat 😭 Haiz
I totally can understand that situation ...😭😭😭
No worry dear
Just leave ur worries to universe
Say this prayer daily 21 TIMES TO THE UNIVERSE
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you
Narcissistic person is very set in their mind. I have encountered a few and no matter how kind and good to them, it will only last until the next times they think we cross them wrong or upset them. Its best to keep mutual and do not get to close. They will bite you when they think it will benefit them. I have tried multiple times and given years.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is give them silence. Give yourself silence, peace,and space to heal and grow.
My mother-in-law is such a narcissistic person.. I'm not able bear.. don't know when Im going to loose my temper n break everything.. even my husband is suffering coz of her