Dependent personality disorder and narcissistic relationships
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Narcissists become heavily dependent on you for everything. Everything is a problem that you have to fix.
Very true
He's a C-narc... Never needed or wanted anything from me, in 7 years.. Except sex.
He always said he didn't care if I thought he was hot, cute, desirable-- because he had such a ( false) overinflated view of himself...
Masking major insecurity!!
Hi Narc Survivor! I'm glad to see The Narcissist category Two Golden TH-camr are here in Dr ramani's channel!
I am one of the survivors too but also made the narcissists get frustrated more than anyone🤣
Especially Financially
Including your money. They can't wait to get you in debt. My ex did that and stole money from my parents through me.
That's how my family is towards me. They think I can't do anything for myself, when in fact I can.
I think.... over bearing parent... who does all for you . makes you depentant.
like co dependant mom..
trains us to rely on them..
since dad.... covert narc.. relies on her.
idk. I kept saying I wanted to do things myself
@@VengefulPolititron our stories are rso similar.... its really I think cos they're the dependent ones..😠
@@bereal6590
Narcissists have no boundries for others.
and co dependants have no boundries for themselves.
so I had no boundries of any kind.
and it was hard to discipline myself.
My mother has often said to me that I can't take care of myself, won't get by by myself, will make myself sick by myself etc. She has also physically stopped me when trying to get out of their appartment to move to mine. It's the easiest for me to make a clear/sudden break because if I let all my boundaries be crossed and stay in that situation I sort of make up reasons why my feelings aren't valid to be able to cope mentally with being there and I build up the fear around moving (how my parents will react, if they will keep phoning me or show up without warning) and might also think about the things they said about me not coping. It's good that you know that you can do things for yourself, I think that's the most important thing, to have that confidence and to keep it.
I love being alone and doing things for myself, i can't stand the thought of being dependent anymore. I can get attached to people because of the lack of connection i have felt though. Sometimes i just have to remember i can be my own source of happiness.
@T M good fortune to you as well. You described exactly how i feel. I'm sorry you were ghosted bud, that's something i despise because it shows just how much of a coward the other person is. I've been lead on too in the past, fallin hard myself. I have a very small circle myself. I realized as i grow,i outgrow old friends as i change paths. Learning to be alone and enjoy it took some isolation, way before lockdowns. I work on opening up to people but then i fear i might be too open. After all the manipulation and triangulation. When i do open up,I feel like I'm just standing in an open field with a bullseye on my heart.
@@independentthoughtsnotthot9030 Get out there and date. Show enough confidence, and you won't attract the disgusting narcs!
@@shirleykurtzi understand what you mean. By chance have you ever dealt with so much manipulation you're not even sure how to identify positive emotions in the moment? That it creeps into every subconscious thought like a devil on your shoulder?
@@independentthoughtsnotthot9030 No!
@@shirleykurtz well for example i have enough confidence to ask out a woman i felt a real attraction towards, got rejected and still see her as a sweetheart. Still go in to see her casually, just to converse. She knows I'm not there just for food. She's always very open too. Which tells me i should try to be as well. I try to learn from all interactions. On another note i missed another girls subtle feminine flirtation. A very subtle yet obviously intentional and prolonged brush of the hand. I got the vibes, but self doubt from years of manipulation and triangulation was there with me like two obnoxious and jealous jerks. I'm still working on trusting myself and my intuition. My intuition has been right many times even when i doubted it.
To be so possessive of us yet neglect most or all our wants & need. Its infuriating to say the least!
Yes it is! 😔
Oh yes, you hit it on the button. Go back to when they experienced their first trauma....than comes the shame and guilt. Loathing....than they project that onto you. Go back to yourself before these traumas to remember who you were.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I have grown back to who I was, but to a better me.
I was very self confident before my narc entered my life. I fell totally apart in the 4 years I spent with the narc! I am just about back to my regular self. Thank you, Lord!
I am a better me now, but it hurt so much. I never want to go through this again!
The spouse takes over everything, sometimes pretends to include me in decisions, then word salads and forces his decisions and choices. I have given up on making most decisions. Not worth the battle .
Genius you.
The scariest thing for me, and I'm guessing for others, is that some victims of narcissism have adopted narcissistic behaviors as coping strategies. I've been manipulative, my family has told me how "scary" I am when I'm angry, which sounds like narcissistic rage. I've responded in toxic ways and that is what haunts me.
Thank you Doctor Ramani
Not to be dramatic but I'm OBSESSED with your channel. 💕
I feel this way, looking for someone to take care of me, yet at same time fear of being taken over, giving myself up!
Maybe you're sensing your own boundaries?
Ime, comfort and freedom need to be linked so the relationship can grow, but they are different.
Good luck on your journey.
Spot on. I was very clingy in general before I met my ex narcissist, but he brought out the worst of my codependency which I had no idea I had until our relationship got so bad. For example: he once wouldn’t let me walk the dog late one evening because he swore I’d get raped at the park. When I said it’s okay Im leaving and will be back before sundown he just got pissed and yelled at me, especially because he didn’t want to go with me because he was tired. Ultimately he said if I walk out the door don’t come back home for the night. On the other hand, once our relationship was on its last leg near the end, I’d always ask him to go to the grocery store or run little errands with me and he’d get pissed and blow up on me saying I was too clingy and he needed space. (He also cheated on me throughout the whole relationship for further context). It was a nightmare. After he left me I had to really take things day by day and figure out myself as an individual again. It was like I forgot how life was before him. 1.5 years later I’m doing much better and recently got into a new loving relationship and make sure to exercise those small independent tasks consciously. I’ve came a long ways and your videos have helped every step of the way. Thanks Dr. Ramani ❤️
You go girl.
"they were doing find until 25, 35, 40s, and THEN the personality style shows up [that's not dependent personality disorder]"
"It really matters about who were you **before** " (paraphrasing)
I swear you make me more sane on a daily basis. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I was pretty good before the narc. I'm almost that good or better now!
Idk why I consider Dr. Ramani as my second mother! I get such vibes from her that not a single person can handle us the way she does through her videos! ❤️
Hello, I am really grateful for this insightful and helpful posting. Presently, in my work as a one-to-one tutor, it has become very clear that one of my students is in a situation of protracted entrapment by a narcissistic mother. For several years the student has had everything monitored and controlled by the mother, including her email accounts. This person, whom I teach, has ME and it is also clear to me that the mother does not want them to get well. Everything that has been offered by social services and the education system, including all kinds of therapies, has been marginalised or not taken up and tried. The student is approaching 19 years of age and has been out of the normal school environment for 7 years. I am intending to use some of your excellent material to stimulate discussion in the remaining tutorials until the end of the semester. Hopefully, the student can begin to see that her major obstacle to living an independent, autonomous and fulfilling life is not only how the ME scenario is treated and improved, but in the controlling, covertly abusive, passive aggression and gaslighting in which the mother is engaged. I would appreciate any comment(s) that anyone may wish to offer. Thank you.
My sister rejects me as too stressful or the ruiner of her day but aligns herself to “help” strangers so she can analyze them and complain how they take up her time. She’s helping herself by helping her brothers and sisters to be better people.
Thank you for your ongoing work and your willingness to share knowledge, it is the material from which I am slowly making a key to freedom. Very deeply appreciated.
Dependent personality sounds like me, but I grew up as the baby of the family with a narcissistic father, so 🤷♀️ I already had that experience of having a relationship with a narc before adulthood. Thing is, I didn't know my ex was a narc until WAY later because he hid it better than my dad.
My parents always fought because my mom was more independent than was acceptable to my father. I was always more compliant, perhaps as a defense mechanism to escape my father's wrath. Growing up, it was better if I was unnoticed by or "invisible" to my abusers.
I really identify with so many of the descriptions for Dependent PD.
This is kind of the underpinning of a lot of your content. We can point the finger at and blame the narcissist all day, but in order to heal from narcissistic relationships we need to own and work on our stuff. DPD is an example of a condition that makes someone susceptible to narcissism. We need to get better, regardless of whether it was there before the narcissist was or developed during it.
I believe the PD style was present for me prior to the toxic relationship to the extent of wanting reassurance & decision making. I have no problem doing things, I just want to be certain Im making the right decison. In the relationship he was very needy & bc of my issue Im always willing to give in. I wanna meet the need & reassure him by whatever means hoping for the same in return but I never get it.
Thank you for what you do for us.
@ Dr. Ramani and community... hmmmm delicious little nugget of thought for the day? Lol 🤔❤️✊🇺🇸
I have dependent personality disorder and I am pretty sure that my mom and brother are narcissistic types 😢
Thank you for bringing up the cultural and DV situation. This information is VITAL.
Pattern check: From what I know about La llorona, she is essentially the boogie man in Latin American cultures. Is that maybe an effective story because of the pervasiveness of the idealization of la Virgen de Guadalupe? (the virgin Mary)
When I went to Mexico City with my high school group we visited the Basilica (church where the image is kept) and I don't think I fully understood at the time the level of devotion held by many in the country toward her.
If devotion is a two sided coin, wouldn't intense love also create intense fear? 🤔 thoughts?
Oh hell people break you down then call you crazy and exploit you in indiana
Oh wow. I am definitely like this, but I was like this before my current relationship... I was raised by a narc father though. So I dunno 🤷♀️
What about children who are grown up with narcisisstic controlling abusive parent? Can they get that dignose because of the narcisisstic abuse ?
She seems so uncomfortable talking more about this subject. But kudos to still do it for us. Hopefully you can share more on dependent pd cuz we all here really really need it. Please let us know more ways to cope up with this. Dependent pd + narc ex. Worst thing ever. Every other mental health professional i see is really unequipped with it’s info. PLEASE help us.
What intrigates me is that convert Narcisse can look like that. Including passive aggression. How to distinct between those two?
Thanks Doc
Realized that a plus b equals c to me and got some kickass abuse coucelors
Is it possible for a 90 year old parent to remain narcissistic?
Holy shit, it me.
Dr. Ramani, is Dependent PD the same as codependency?
No. Codependents are more independent and productive. Also, codependency is not considered a disorder.
How do you work with people who are disabled and infantilized and have dependant personality disorder?
I'm able to make decisions, get things done, etc.; however, I've been pounded into submission by my narcissistic and controlling spouse. So now I'm a little dependent because he never supported my goals. He talked like he would before marriage, and all that talk was BS! So am I really labeled "dependent"?
Hows dpd diff from c-dpd??
Hey Dr. Ramani!! could you speak on what it might be like to be a bipolar person in a relationship with a narc. Or do u have one? Im having a hard time with trying to understand if its me? Or if im with an actual narcissist.
Why not give examples of parenting (i.e., what they SAY; HOW they say it;? What they DO-HOW, WHERE, WHEN, etc.) that CAUSE or CONTRIBUTE to each of these personality disorders? -So parents can “check themselves” to make sure they’re not creating, for example…a narcissist/or any other of these personality disorders in their children. !!!…?
This. Vid was too brief doc! You never even mentioned the toxic traits of dependant personality disorder. !
Big hug to Dr. Ramani! 🤗
Digital hugs for all that would like them!
A Narc will drain the target dry and then criticize them for being dehydrated. 🤦🏾♀️
True!! I saw this happen between my marc mom and dependend dad
👀I live in a desert so i find this to be somewhat dry humor
😂😂😂
Seriously though, the drain is real. I only make light of my situation living with a narc in the desert, hoping possibly to make someones day better by making them laugh. Remember to rehydrate yourself with the waters of wisdom. Gotta practice my dad jokes too
That was my narc mother. Accused my now deceased father of "milking her dry". It was in fact the other way round 😥
The dark side of DPD is that we CRAVE the neediness of the narcissist. They need to control and we need to be controlled. Someone who actually WANTS to make every decision for me?? Heck yeah! Please do! You don’t want me to have friends or interact with family? Well, my family has been controlling my life which is why I don’t know how to do anything myself, so relying on you seems way healthier than relying on them because you want the best for me for your own sake.
I know it’s unhealthy. It’s a real curse to WANT to depend on someone else. Swinging from person to person to depend on like a drug.
Wow you summed that up really well. I have DPD, I grew up in a narcissistic family, my mother, likely a covert narcissist, controlled everything about my life starting as a teen. I was the black sheep of the family and never accepted by anyone including my 2 older sisters. One of which became another narcissist imo. Punishment was used as control and I was treated as if I was out of control and couldn't handle life. I ended up marrying a neglectful narcissist (also a drug addict) in my 20s and after it took me 12 years to let go, my daughter and I are now back in my childhood home with my narcissistic mother because we had nowhere else to go. We've been here for 6 years now. She is continuing to try and control my life and not only discourages my attempts to gain autonomy but she actively tries to derail them. I've found a new partner who I've been with for 2 years now he is great most of the time and giving me the love I haven't received in many, many, years but then he intermittently puts me through extreme mental and emotional abuse. He has anger and alcohol issues. Every time he flips to the bad side of him for little to absolutely no reason, I go into a freeze state and can't function. This disorder is a curse and I'm trying so hard to get out of this for the sake of my daughter and so I can finally be free for the remainder of my life. I'm 39 and I feel ashamed to be living this way😢
Narcissist force us to be dependent on them and later abuse us and disrespect us because we are dependent on them and are the first to tell us later that we are dependent on them and that we are where we are because of them and that without them we are nothing and that we should be grateful that they take care of us. Creating in our mind a feeling of hopelessness which makes us unable to cater for ourselves again. It is really a toxic circle.
This is exactly what happened to me. I met my ex narc husband while being in college working two jobs supporting myself. Obviously i didn’t have much money at the time and he knew all this when we started dating. He often said early on how good it felt to take care of a woman to feel like an old school man.Later on he used this against me basically not having any respect for me because financially I wasn’t as successful as his ex. Even after I started working and making more money, it was still bad because I didn’t have as much time to focus on him. You can never win with these people. If you don’t need them, they hate you for it and if you do it’s the same scenario.
Yep! 💯
Agree, narcs train people to be helpless and dependent, even if the victim didn't start that way. They even seem to get jollies out of brainwashing *learned helplessness* into the strongest people. It's like a super achievement for them.
@@galamander_1327 Great insight
Summed up 8 years of my life right now. This is actually an eye opener comment. Thanks. Really. Thanks.
What about the covert narcissist who uses their "helplessness" "indecisiveness" and "dependency" to manipulate and control the people around them?
yeah. everything is a messed up game. hard to tell.
I was a troubled kid. didn't know myself. still don't. always yelled at to hurry up and decide. now my quick choices ruined everything.
life is crap
@@VengefulPolititron I understand, I used to feel the same way. Life, people, our circumstances etc can seem hopeless at times but Jesus is the answer. He is our blessed hope.
If you haven’t already, please accept Jesus into your heart today. He loves, died for and wants to save you. Make Him the Lord and Saviour of your life.
ABCs Of Salvation:
Admit you are a sinner and have made mistakes. Repent, turn your back on your sins and the world.
Believe that Jesus is Gods’ Son, died on the cross for you and rose again from the dead on the third day.
Confess Jesus as The Lord of your life and commit yourself to a life of following Jesus and serving others. Be baptised and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 10:9-10 KJV
[9] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. [10] For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
@@FarAboveRubiesSarah
it sucks..because I was a Christian.
became an evil narc to survive and make boundries.
God struck me down when I watched pron.
he hid himself from me.
I thought I lost him.
I looked for him , read bible. he came back.. and I was under chastisement.
teaching me to be good.
directing me
eventually I listened to my mom instead of him. messed things up. then I went crazy. and trusted aam evil Loud spirit.. instead of him.
thought God hated me.
and I did the thing he told me not to do.
I thought I would die. but I wanted the craziness to end.
He warned me.
I did it. then I physically felt him leave me .and he took the good side of me with Him. cause his goodness is the only way we can be good
now I'm trapped in this new person. who isn't human.
but it's just the real me... without His blessings.
I'm hebrews 6:4-6
doomed. I cant desire him.
cant come back.
I'm tormented.
he's done with me. and everything is against me now.
no choice.
@@FarAboveRubiesSarah
you won't believe me.
no one does.
He told me to only eat vegetables for the time.
I was ok with it. he made it easy....
but once I accepted his grace...
since I gave up my videogames for him.. (which he didn't ask for)
I thoufht it was my right to eat meat.
plus my family kept saying I'm being a legalist. and Im trying to earn it.
but I'm not.
I ate the meat. in rebellion. but I thought I was stopping legalism.. and then I'd go back to only veggies.
I thought.. better for me to decide to eat them.. then do it cause he told me to. I was messed up in head.
but he knows my heart is bad. it I didnt know it then.
so he left.
and now. whenever I eat meat.
I get full body fear. and I felt a touch of a hand of fear on my shoulder.
and a false angel of light came to me. I thought it was God. arms and legs shook. I had to sing. hoping he would stay.
I was on face... head rocking on floor.. thought it was holy spirit moving my head.
it wasn't.
eventually my legs kept falling asleep. thought I had to let them die... to get into heaven.
I let them go numb 5-6 times.
ibut eventually realized.. I can't pay my way in. and God wouldnt want me to destroy my body.
it must be a demon.
life is against me now.
scary dreams of being in church.
cant handle it.
I've been given over to evil.
cause I served two masters.. and was a bad christian who didn't try.
@@VengefulPolititron God is very loving and always willing and quick to forgive. Each day you are alive, that is by His grace alone and there is still a chance to get right with Him.
Just starts with you being willing to humbly confess your faults and repent again then it can be wiped and you can start again. We all fall short and often if we are still struggling with certain sins and haven’t truly been delivered then we end up falling into them again.
Psalm 103:8-14 KJV
[8] The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. [9] He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever. [10] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. [11] For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. [12] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. [13] Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. [14] For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.
Isaiah 1:18-19 KJV
[18] Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord : though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. [19] If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land:
1 John 1:9-10 KJV
[9] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. [10] If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
I have many traits of this personality style, I lived with a passive aggressive man with a narcissistic traits for 8 years....
After getting divorce i began to meditate and change my behavior.
Thanks Dr. ramani for all this information.
I love what say because I feel satisfied with all this education and awareness.
💖💖💖
How is Dependent Personality Disorder different from Codependency? Especially, when many people who have ended up in Narcissistic relationships have come from a childhood with a Narcissistic Parent(s)?
I just asked that! I'm definitely one of the two - maybe both at the same time!
Codependent are the ones who try to do everything to be needed. They are the ones who are always there to do all the favors, they want want to feel needed not exactly needy.
Dependent personality disorder (maybe isn't a disorder at all as Dr.Ramani said) are those who cant take a decision or do anything by themselves, they are full of self doubt, so they expect others to do or they decisions for them.
I am honestly a mix of both because of the imense abuse by my both narc parents. My violent and overcritical mother who always criticized everything I did and wouldn't allow me to do anything because I was too dumb or because I was too sick while playing the martyr that she had to do everything. My father would always display shame of us, and call us bad names everytime someone tried to give us a compliment (because women were useless unless to clean and do house chores), he would let my mother beat the shit out of us and just turn tv volum up, and if we said sth was broken in the house like the tap or wtv he would go on a tirade on how "i lived like a queen because when he was a child there wasn't even electricity...he's 46 years older but still wanted to compare)
Actually codependent in the psychology literature only refers to addictions and the person who is codependent with the addict. Society has dragged the term into use to mean a dependant person, or an enabler. That's why there is confusion. Misuse of the term codependant
co depentant passive...
the quiet yes-dear
co depentant active
forces kids to accept help, gifts, guilt-trips.. mirror narc behavior of their spouse.. and parents..
often worse than a covert narc
well . depends..
one over bearing parent...
the other.. lives there.. but not involved with family .
such a ruinous life.
When a narcissist latches onto you, think as if you've adopted an unwanted person for whom every problem is an event which you have to fix. And if you won't, then kiss your peace and self-respect goodbye.
Is this like a puppy / kitten follows you home ?? Because I've had that experience because then you have to deal with alot of stuff that are not you're stuff but you help anyway because that's who you are then you find yourself doin everything an gets blame for one mistake
Yep! They make you responsible for their issues, but are your issues are always irrelevant 😫 And then gaslight you about it.
Like a parasitic twin? You love them but they are no good for you.
So true. I asked him to meet my parents so that they know who I'm dating. He started calling them mother and father from day one.
He had already learnt from me a lot about them, so he impressed them enough to invite himself to dinner every night. I felt confused and stuck, but got privileges like never before. I paid dearly for wanting privileges I should have received anyway for being their child.
@@sabrinamohammed9778 a puppy or a kitten will love you back if you've shown them love, but a narcissist would belittle you even if you die for them.
I think it's interesting that a narc will criticize you for wanting different while complaining about things staying the same. Quite a paradox of chaos.
💯💯
They like the sounds of their own voices 😫
Growing up or living on "quicksand on a tilt table" certainly leaves one feeling terrified of actually making a decision because the consequences have been so devastating for so long. Putting things "in the wrong place", (even if it was the right place last time) resulted in soul-murdering shame-fests often enough that I've had a tough time organizing my home. It's getting less difficult, but it is still a struggle, I feel an internal wince like a rescued pet responding to an outreached hand with fear every time I make a "this goes here" decision. (Every time my mom & sister came to visit when they did, I'd get ridiculed and maligned for putting things "in such a ridiculous place" "don't you see how THIS makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE?") I told them when they bought the house and lived here they could do it that way. It didn't go over well, but it was the beginning of my recovery on that front although I still second-and-third guess every decision and get support from others in the house before I assign a "home" to things. I suspect if it were seriously debilitating (it isn't, most of the time), I'd have this diagnosis.
This is me. My place looks junky , papers are the worst. So I don't give it a home they just pile up. Still working on it.
I've known and felt the neurological pain of doing the "wrong" thing in a narc's immediate sphere of awareness. These painful events happened to me from the earliest age and I struggled to exit highly critical narcissistic relationships throughout my adolescent and adult life. Your story moved me to tears and I want to say thank you. It reminded me that I wasn't making things up when I was a kid of doing the "wrong" thing in the house by putting the dishes away in the "right" or "common sense" order in fear of physical violence or being shamed.
I can relate, I’ve had this issue with my mom too. Even recently just organizing some hanging flower baskets at my place, not hers, yet still she thought I should do it a different way and kept telling me so, until I just had to firmly say for the third time ‘no I like it the way it is’. It’s hard for sure, learning to be strong in my opinions more and not worry about pleasing her and her need for things to be how she thinks they should. We are different people and have different views and I’m ok with that even if she isn’t.
@Diana Sponsler This is me 1,000%!! I honestly thought I was the only one that felt like this, and I’m almost 44 still going through it. I’m disabled and have to live with my parents and my mom is the narcissist, so I feel like I’ll die having to live like this. Most people just wanna label me as a hoarder because I let things pile up in my room, but it’s honestly because I get criticized no matter how I do or put things and I just give up. And the “quicksand on a tilt table” is the most perfect quote I’ve ever read, that’s been my life since birth! Thank you for sharing this, it helps to know I’m not alone. As for having dependent personality disorder it sounds so much like me, but I’m still not sure, of course I’ve never been able to make decisions without other peoples reassurance either. It’s frustrating feeling like I’m wrong no matter what I do 😞
@@alekhein4855 Same here, I feel so hopeless all the time. Tired of being judged no matter what I do or say.
This was me during and after a badly abusive narcissist relationship, it beats down your confidence and independence for sure. But thankfully am out of it and getting my power back, one step at a time. Thank you for this. 💖🤗🙏
I'm so grateful I found your channel. Your videos have been beyond helpful especially when dealing with my mother.
Dr Ramani, can you ever do a video about narcissism and the LGBT community? It seems that no one takes this on......and it seems rampant in the community.
I have a business relationship with a covert/communal narc. They feel absolutely entitled to my resources, materially, intellectually, and psychologically. Because they see themselves as dependent on me they're entitled to everything that I have. Usually, their requests (aka demands) come wrapped in their tragic backstory or their seemingly overwhelming present that they need rescuing from. When I go DEEP, I feel like I've left a helpless puppy by the side of the road.
That's why there's gotta be a whole investigation into the person, and that is why I hated the time I spent into therapy recently, the therapist jumped to conclusions in a few sessions and drove therapy in a very unproductive direction
I see this in two of my kids who were subjected to the narcissistic abuse of their father. He made them feel helpless and stupid by constantly setting them up for failure.
YES!
I was brought up by a narcissistic father & I have many patterns & traits of a dependent personality.
Yes. It is cultural. Independent women are seen as bad. This already starts inside families and friendcircles. It often leads to social exclusion if u break free of the dependency.
Edit: Also religion plays a role.
Also because u are raised to help and have understanding and being selfless.
Also i figured that my grandmother is a narcissist, which led me to fall for a narc husband. Because i was thinking thats normal.
In my experience, I've had guys look at dependent women as a negative thing. As a woman with a learning disability, I feel like I will never be able to work full time and be independent due to the social structure of women with disabilities being excluded or underemployed in the workplace. Not being fully independent seems to drive a lot of men away. Maybe there are men out there who prefer housewives, but I've never met a guy who wants that yet.
@@HaleyMary In the US it seems like people are *socialized* to expect women can (and will) do it all -- major income earners, all the house keeping, cooking, and most of the child rearing. Whereas men are only expected to be breadwinners and family CEO/captain of the ship. Gender role assignments are bullshite and aren't fair. Neither is unequal distribution and valuing of work, or recognizing that none of us can really go it alone. We are interdependent and need to engage in cooperation as a species. I hope you find a great partner who values your contributions, likes you for you, and supports your dreams and ambitions.
@@galamander_1327 I'm in Canada, but it feel like the expectation is similar here. I just don't realistically think I can do both. I can only be an artist or a housewife. I tried university, but failed classes and was put on academic probation so I dropped out and went back to work in a store. I did poetry and comedy at open mics, sold poetry books at open mics and did singing and songwriting with a friend before the pandemic shut everything down.
Oh give me a break. This victim of oppression picture you paint is at least 70 years old. Look around, most women than men have college degrees. Most women than men reach higher income degrees. Men have become second class citizens in this divisive rhetoric with that you profess here. Grow up yourself, and take charge of your life, and stop blaming others for your own inadequacy.
Yup yup yup. Same. Each and every word of what you said. Even the grandmother part. I am suffering from same.
If I remember it right, in the show "modern family",
Sofia Vergara, portraying the foreign wife, said, that in her country, mothers are raising their sons to be dependent on them. Because, a wife doesn't get much from her husband because he's tied to his mother before anything, that's why she has to raise her son the same way, to have someone in her life.
It was a joke, of course, as this show is a comedy.
But it's also black humor because in many cultures, this is true. Children, especially boys, are not raised to be independent, they are, or have been, raised to be dependent on his parents. The wife has to be obedient to both, to him and his parents.
A devils circle that cannot be broken.
@@thefc3671
Devil's circle, in my understanding, is something that keeps repeating and you can't break it and it's negative.
Something like, you want a good job but you can't have it without good education, and you can't get good education because you need money for that, which means a good job.
So each is conditioned on the other.
So true!
Makes sense.
My issue is I went from my family's home, grew up with a narrisitc dad, then got married and had kids right away. I never had a chance before getting into my marriage to find out how independent I was or not. I am swayed to do things allot, although I do have strong principles that I won't bend on, even if certain people are doing them. I have a feeling I am in this category at least on the broad spectrum because it is hard for me to go out and be a leader or just do things without waiting for permission first. My dad was very controlling, when I was 19 I couldn't go anywhere unless my dad okayed it, I couldn't hang out with friends unless my dad said it was okay. So I lived under someone's thumb for the first 35 years of my life, now I am on my own It's super hard to be an adult and with 4 kids it makes it tuff to know how to do stuff and what i should do. I am learning and i am making more decisions for myself but its hard. I think with enough time and enough space to myself I may break free from this. Looking at the bright side.
That’s exactly my story. I went from being a daughter to being a wife to someone who behaved like he is my parent. It took me 8 years to work on myself to get to a point where I feel like I’m free from codependency.
Learning more about narcissism, I realized too, that my father must have been a covert narcissist. I married young and left the country. After more than 20 years of marriage the narcissistic abuse started ,at this point I was financially dependent for the first time . This experience left me completely blind sided and hurt and I felt , like I was dealing with a different person then the person I had known all these years. At the same time I had become submissive, dependent and full of anxiety . Psychology helped me to understand why.
Jesus is the answer. Only God can change people and their hearts but with Him, all things are possible. You can become a completely brand new creation in Christ once you give your life to Him and so can these narcissists.
The Holy Spirit is the one who is sent to convict the world of their sins and changes them. Prayer is very powerful. Don’t limit what God can do. Put your trust in God and not man 🙏🏼
2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV
[17] Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
If you haven’t already, please accept Jesus into your heart today. He loves, died for and wants to save you. Make Him the Lord and Saviour of your life.
ABCs Of Salvation:
Admit you are a sinner and have made mistakes. Repent, turn your back on your sins and the world.
Believe that Jesus is Gods’ Son, died on the cross for you and rose again from the dead on the third day.
Confess Jesus as The Lord of your life and commit yourself to a life of following Jesus and serving others. Be baptised and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 10:9-10 KJV
[9] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. [10] For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
@@FarAboveRubiesSarah my dad is saved, I was saved at a young age and my ex husband professes to be a Christian. But thanks for the comment, it's still true. My dad has gotten better from what my family says. Last get together he was more silent then normal so he may be changing. He just doesn't believe this is a true thing, he thinks psychology isn't real and we all just need to man up and change. When we learn that people do have legitimate mental issues and we can find out what they are we can use scripture to guide them through the issue. Just like if you didn't know you foot was broken but kept on limping on it, it won't get fixed right, you need to find the core of the problem then you can fix it. :) have a wonderful day.
@@estheranders1502 I’m happy to hear that. It’s true. We need to get to the roots with Jesus to fully understand and be healed and delivered.
Have you ever heard of deliverance? Often the issues are spiritual and the same way Jesus casted out demonic spirits, He has given His children the same authority.
I have suffered from being around narcissists all of my life. I also had the traits too before becoming truly born again. I heard the gospel and accepted it as a child but didn’t really become born again until NYE 2015. Feel free to look at my channel. My testimony is on there too.
You can also email me if you would just like someone to talk to about this all. I understand. I am a parent too but you know Jesus is our Father, comforter, husband, healer, counsellor and guide. He will guide you, your job is to continue to seek and trust Him 😊 my email is natikargale@gmail.com. Have a blessed day too and I pray for God’s continual protection and guidance over you and your family.
The person with dependent personality disorder will likely in therapy emotionally latch onto the therpist as the saviour figure they lean on.
Solution?
@@trulyprocrastinated9594 Depends on the person. There may not be a solution.
Yes, but a covert narcissist can latch onto a therapist to garner sympathy.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 how do you think can a covert narc go back to being a normal human being? And a great person?
@@trulyprocrastinated9594 The narc needs to first realise that his or her way of thinking is the problem here, then let go of his or her entitlement and then needs to stop the blame game (blaming either others or themselves). Generally narcs are not willing to do that, that's the reason why most narcs (all types) can and will not change.
Only 1.45 and this is me. It’s so hard walking around like this.
"Soto explore thyself!
Within thyself shall find-
That 'undiscovered continent-'
No settler hath the mind-
Emily Dickinson
"You don't need to talk to some stranger. They're going to put ideas in your head."
The way you worded that reminded me of a religious group in my life that gaslighted my best friend into being less than friends with me because I came out as transgender. I imagine the religious group was referring to LGBTQ2S+ ideologies that were prominent in my life and they sought after my best friend's social circle by closing him into being friends with only those who go to the same religious gatherings. To this day, my best friend treats me as less than and covertly maintains a supremacist attitude which he has had historic trouble pushing back against because of his family of origin and family of choice.
I was fiercely independent before I got stuck in abusive marriage
I had the same thing happen. It's more satisfying to break down and control an independent person. Makes them feel more powerful. Mine was a psychopathic narc.
I'd say the empath and narc are co dependent
It's a hurting place for the empaths boundaries as painful as it is
Can you differentiate Dependency PD from CoDependency?
What a mess we are. No one is spared from the ravages of our trauma war culture. The psychological/psych domain is so far behind in their ability to comprehend this..
I was blocked from medical care and sent to a therapist for 2 years for Adrenal Insufficiency Syndrome (Addison's Disease). I've figured it out 10 years later! I was dependent because I was so ill. I"m good now, tho!
This is a really informative fantastic explanation of this personality. I love this. Dr Ramani can you please give your opinion of ADHD/ADD adults who have some narcissistic family members around them? Or even just your thoughts on how an adult who are still struggling w/ ADHD as an adult should live? I would really appreciate it.
So, yes, I had one therapist and one psychiatrist's assistant tell me straight to my face, or hint, that I was "too dependent on men." The PA who said this to my face after reading my intake paperwork and talking to me for 30 seconds got yelled at, to the tune of, "How do you think I paid for this $250 appointment? With my magic credit card, with my magic money, with my magic income, while going home to my magic lease, with my magic name on it?" The therapist was a lot more non-confrontational but she was definitely hinting that because I couldn't leave my abusive male friend who had trapped me because I didn't have enough money YET that I had somehow trapped myself in my own mind, that I just needed to "break free," just use my mind power and it would magically be okay. I would magically just NOT be dependent anymore-- I would finally learn how to take care of myself, hahahaha. If you're a therapist in Texas, get your head out of the sand. Good girls in Texas are not DEPENDENT, especially when they have their own credit cards and their own jobs! Holy Cow with these low rung therapists. No.
And another thing about Texas is that men hunt women here, just like they hunt animals. ESPECIALLY the independent women, we're like white, 16 point (a unicorn-deer), unicorns to them, a beautiful phat kill. If you don't understand that, you don't understand Texas AT ALL. To say that independent women who get "caught" by Texas ne'er-do-wells are "dependent" is shallow AT BEST.
Many therapists and psychiatrists choose these professions because they can easily have power over the weak and prey on them. Many think they are mind readers.
They are easily found on law enforcement professions.
@@Sarablueunicorn I'm sorry, I don't believe in random facts, I would need more proof.
@@fairskylls4266 Dr. Ramani affirmed that psychopaths often make good CEOs and surgeons because of how unshaken by emotions they are.
Video can be found on TH-cam, an interview for med circle or any other channel.
She also claimed she can easily detect a narcissist.
But hey, she's a psychologist therefore a mindreader.
Definitely working on a couple of the dependent traits and this video shines the light on which ones. I also know I’d be a good partner so trying to balance that. 🌺🦋
It is also interesting that narcs can seem to be overly dependent and that some freak out when they lose control of something and beg somebody to help them. I know a grandiose narc who literally started cryiing and asked for help when they could not get their car out if a car park for example. Of course somebody helped them. However they seem to pull this act with trivial things on a regular basis despite being highly intelligent and physically capable of doing these things.
It would be easy for clinicians who don't see the narcissistic abuse to make this dx .
I believe my soon to be ex husband has this. At first I thought he was a convert narc like my mother but DPD fits his behaviour a lot more. He was verbally abusive, controlling, possessive, jealous (or me interacting with others and of people liking me in any way), never worked, could never start anything on his own, refused further treatment for his mental health (anxiety disorder, Autism spectrum disorder, major depressive disorder), and everything was always my fault. It was my fault when i became too burnt out to be his 24/7 therapist. His father is very likely a grandiose narc and his mother was incredibly enmeshed with my soon to he ex husband. I don't think it's a bad diagnosis - it would help him if his therapist knew and could see his learned helplessness. 🤷♀️
Hi Dr. Ramani! Wow! This video makes me think that I might have dependent personality disorder as I have always really liked being around people. It was not a search for reassurance or legitimacy from others for my own stability and life's direction, it was just a genuine enjoyment that I had as I interacted in many ways with other human beings. When the narcissist entered my life her neediness and overwhelming obsession with herself prevented me so often from engaging with others, thus my time and energy was consumed by the narcissist.....It became an all consuming task to fulfill these needs of hers each and every day. Thankfully for all the help that people like you, dr. Ramani, and others have given me I am finally learning to let her go! Its been quite a difficult process, but, I am thankful that she is no longer living with me and it is not a daily grind to manage all of her wants and needs! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for this very helpful explanation today! ❤️🙏🕊
be the same as Cinderella complex? I was in treatment and was told that I was dealing with that when I actually came from a child hood of extreme narcissistic abuse it was very dismissing
I was diagnosed with NOS Personality disorder with Avoidant and dependent traits among other unpleasant traits. I'm seeing a pattern in my interpersonal relationships. I had the MCMI Millon test before I got into my current abusive relationship. Thank you for your help!!!
I think you can spot a dependent person because they wont stick up for themselves in any context, even when they are encouraged and nurtured overtly and given lots of reassurance, because no amount of external reassurance can overcome their self doubt.
What is the best therapies or treatments for a person who grew up with a malignant narcissist mother?
Definitely been with a person with dpd with narcissistic qualities or vice versa
I look forward to the day the dsm takes our personality disorders. Just another way to bully people.....
I think with each wave of the covid 19 this personality disorder gets worst and worst with each day that passes sooo coupled with having to go through being under a lockdown or in quarantine an having no where to go really because of restrictions like mold that spreads when it's the air so to this personality style
What about if someone got into a relationship with a narcissist as a teenager and ended up married to them for the rest of their lives? How could you tell the difference?
At this moment I'm in Hell. I'm alone trying to hold myself together. I know now what it is . Took 60 years of abuse. I'm ashamed and drinking. I need prayers and need no one to feel sorry for me.
Go get professional help. Start to unpeel the layers. It will change your life.
@@exileonearth6942 thank you Belinda. When you have been a kennel puppy where do you go once your let out? I'm a very awkward. I have had professional help. But with my abused I cannot wear a mask
@@lovemymini8418 yes I did have professional help at one time. I can't wear a mask for personal reasons. So therefore they don't want to see me
🙏
@@tanyadavis6138 thank you so much
I don’t think these people win so much. I don’t know how but worked very hard. The pattern is easy to fall in if you are abused that ruined confidence especially with gas lighting
Hello from Corrupt Delaware !
Yeah, I got into my mindset from my socioeconomic, religious and narcissist upbringing, from both parents. I wasn't born with this thought, but my parents instilled this in me. I never wanted anyone to take care of me, that's been the hardest! Because, the main narcissist withheld financial security to the family.
“….sense of self-loathing and internal rage that they need other people..”
Dr. Ramani
Do you ever deal with either the spouses of those with Asperger's or those with asperger's?
My husband is definitely on the spectrum but for many, many years I've thought he's a sociopath (because of his lack of proper empathy), has some form of personality disorder (he can be cruel) is bi-polar (he can go from cold to hot~fast!) his emotional age (he acts incredibly immature at times) and more!
He hasn't been medically dx'ed with Asperger's. But I'm a nurse (40 yrs retired) with a BScN with a speciality in mental health and have read, literally thousands of papers in my career. I found an article about living with a partner with Asperger's and then several others and I was stunned to see how many symptoms my husband has~his being on the spectrum had never occurred to me until that moment. Now, having read a few more~some scientific and some as studies~I'm absolutely convinced he is on the spectrum.
I've always had a hard time understanding his temperament/lack of correct empathetic response/reluctance to meet new people /his shyness (he spent an entire summer when he was 10, in the house they'd recently moved to with all the windows down and curtains drawn.) He has absolutely zero impulse control ~for anything. He HATES change~with a vengeance! We had an opportunity to move to the city where our daughter's live, 350 miles away and he would not be talked into it! The city we live in is where he was born and getting him to leave~even to be closer to our kids and grandchildren ~was impossible. We only see them very infrequently because of my failing health over the last decade.
I resent so much of what I've put up with to keep us together. He had an affair and couldn't understand why~after a decade I still couldn't forgive him. It's because my forgiveness was/is at empty! I simply could not forgive him for that.
Yet~he's the most intelligent man I've ever met. He challenges me to look more, see more, learn more. He's really my best friend. I love being with him~I just can't love him anymore~but we'll be together to the death. He tries to be a caregiver and does as well as he can for me.
I feel like and this sounds awful, like I've tried so much harder to make "us" good. He rarely shows emotion, he's as pedantic as hell, he's told me he loves me maybe 5 times in 40 years and I'm not sure he meant it.
But~if it is Asperger's and I do think it is~I have zero idea how to deal with him. After 40 years I'm still lost and feel I've never really known love.
Sounds like my father who aren't exactly a narcissist, but VERY dependent of others to take care of him. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and I honestly thought that many of my maternal relatives including my father are very likely to have undiagnosed ADHD eg. all of my uncles are brilliant in school and/or experienced some form of success in career and they are financially above average than their peers but they eventually had problems with money, legal (one of them went to jail despite being a brilliant engineer in aviation) and relationships (divorces, polygamy, toxic marriages).
As with my father, all his life, he was always being provided for. He didn't finish school, okay his father provided him job at the farm. He needed food and clothing, okay his mother provided those. His mother died and within a year, he got a very kind stepmother (my grandmother) to look after his needs. He wanted to get married, okay all arranged for him because his father thought it was time to be independent and of course, his needs are very taken care of by my mother. When he decided to become an entrepreneur, his capital came from the money and land left by his father. Building his business was really his own brilliance, that I give him credit. However, every single time the business ran into cash flow problems, my mother, my sister, his siblings and even myself came to the rescue.
Fast forward today, he was recently diagnosed with cancer. Boy, it was really hard. At first I thought he was entitled, but really more like the inability to even grasp the very idea of self-care. He expects my mother to know where are his meds, the schedule, he whines a lot whenever he was in pain etc. I thought I was a bad son but I had to make a point to him about the importance about self care after he literally let himself dehydrate despite dozen of water bottles were right beside him and blamed me for not taking care of him as my mother was not around. Hence, I really don't appreciate the guilt trips because I do love him very much but myself recovering from depression is just too much to handle.
Mohammad - it was actually a very loving thing you did for your father by telling him about self-care. I can't believe he became dehydrated with all those water bottles around! It's funny, except that these are patterns that some people remain stuck in.
It's obvious that you love your father very much.
A little "tough-love" in his direction would be very good for him, imo.
Also, I think he would appreciate it. He may not realize what a burden he is being, or realize that he actually has a choice about whether or not to be more independent.
All the best. You've got this ❤️
These patterns showed up in me when I was around narcissistic people, and I picked a lot of them due to upbringing, but they didn't show up around safe people. Could the patterns fall more into the fawn response?
At some point you learn to just do what will keep you safe in the moment - and that's often fawn with a narc (if you can't flee). But long term its debilitating. Even the short term, especially if it becomes a habit after the initial situation. Like a weed, you gotta pull it out from the roots before it grows and takes over all your flowers..!
I hope she makes a video on this.
My mother was beaten emo and phys. Since the culture of Indiana did not care
Wow Indiana .... sounds like a third world country and not a state.
It was my ex's financial and personal dependence on me that made it so difficult to separate from our toxic relationship. It always was a worry of what would happen to him that kept me trapped for so long. He seems to hae been a covert/cerebral narcissist. He used guilt and manipulation to get what he wanted in terms of his hobbies and other wants....all this while I financially supported him too. ..for almost 20 years. He would say to me that he would have to live under a bridge with the other homeless people if I put him out...because he was helpless with all his ailments.
We humans need someone now and then. But nobody should act like “Mrs Rottenmeir” from “Heidi”! How Rottenmeir’s job security came from needing Clara as a wheelchair bound cripple! Then she breaks Heidi’s little snow globe where she dreamed of the grandfather! Every ROTTENMEIR needs a victim (Clara) for power! CLARA, don’t try to walk, you will only tire yourself! OMG!
I'm in the domestic vilionce and narc abuse and more... I'm disabeld and progressive chronicle ill I try to be independent as possible. But in reality I depent of people of cars and this put me in risk. I'm now in this situation. My mother more sosiopath/narc is always depending on me my father but I don't give anymore but my father is in divorce with her she stalks him and hoover him and even I'm no contact my brother narc and mother try to find my place where I am... It's hard to escape those people.
I was institutionalised as a child as I’m reg blind and was dependent on my narcissist husband for some things, this worries me as putting a label on me as I could be dependent personality, I’m doing quite well on my own, I have a guide dog, we get out, not as far as I would like due to transport. I moved away from him after many years of abuse you speak about, because of the children.
Then- saying “YOU HURT ME by being yourself.” ( As a Mother, this is viciously painful.)
Hello Dr Ramani . Hope you will consider a topic . That being a sibling married to a narcissist. The inevitable banishment, ostracization and estrangement that destroys sibling relationship. Family
. Thank you .