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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 มี.ค. 2024
- Discussing when you’re in a Situationship or relationship with someone who has a severe fearful avoidant attachment style.
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Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.
It’s so validating to finally listen to a professional who understands the pain and difficulty of recovering from this type of trauma/addiction. It’s one thing to study it but a completely different thing to live it! Thank you.
You accurately described the relationship I had with an avoidant ex. So painful and traumatizing is an understatement. I went from secure to severely anxious and going through ongoing depression as a result .
Same here. I was secure 2 years ago, but now am an anxious.
Yes they will have this effect
Same here
Let’s not let this be the outcome
Fight for your birthright to be content
All love is dosed with some hardship
But this is so far out of balance as to be almost abusive
Don’t allow it to be this as an outcome
Please
Same secure I'm at the point of being afraid to date again suppose I get another one or some one worst it will mess you up never again.
@@a.d.b535 It does a number on your nervous system.
Holy shit. It’s like you’ve been watching my relationship and transcribing the entire roller coaster. Thank you so much.
Said same
You’re not at all alone
You’re also much more valuable than they’ve left you feeling
“i was with you only because i did not wanted to be alone”
these words spookes me to this day, echoin
These are very very harsh words to hear
Just don’t take it personally
It’s the theme and we just need to move on and revise to believe that would be true in your next relationship
Careful but also take risks
You’ll know what to watch out for
I am sorry.
@@garyr1934 thank you kind stranger
@@steeleheroesmedia4699 it's ok, thanks
@@KubaneboRoman It's not ok. That's horrific. My ex told me a bunch of similar terrible things to tear me down, too. Sorry. 😢
Its time for us to wake-up and leave these injured people alone.
If you were in their place, you wouldn’t want people to avoid you and to leave you all alone. Be more empathetic…🤦🏻♀️
I am now FA after 2 traumatic relationships....I would never treat anyone how I have been treated. I actively work on NVC, personal growth, responsibility and accountability, do inner child work, shadow work, values, traits and needs work etc....I hope I can get to a sense on safety and peace with another person willing to work with me on this journey to secure.
i broke up w DA as he said is on going on vacay and wants to sleep around. DAs are the worst and destroy all the ones jn their lives who just want to love and support them. I say RUN and NEVER look back, adios DAs😮😮😮😮😮
We had about 70 breakup and makeup cycles in about 6 years until I ran into my own mental health crisis,
@20misscherry it's hard to do when they push you away and don't want to connect. Yes have empathy but you can no longer be a support, because they didn't choose you.
I’m right in the middle of THE MOST HORRIFYING version of this boomerang avoidant hell… it’s so bad, dude… SOOOOO BAD… I’ve realized in the last month that I’m completely addicted… the scariest part is what made me realize this hopeless addiction is that as a former heroin addict, I started to notice uncanny similarities to what it’s like mentally to be in acute heroin withdrawal.
When I had to stop f*cking around and leave, the fact that I quit blow was a big part of knowing I could do it.
I’m in the middle of this horrific boomerang as well. Most painful, discombobulating, anxiety and loneliness and desperation provoking thing ever. I hate it, but I’m addicted because of the hot and cold repetitive routine he subjects me to. It’s hell.
Me too. Jeeze it hurts so badly.
When u delete all social media it goes away lmao
I became a stronger person meeting someone like this. I knew the moment we started talking this was a universal test and opportunity for healing. I struggled, hit my deepest wounds, faced my shadows... I still love them. I see the good the bad and the struggle. Sometimes, we just have to accept loving someone from afar. Maybe in the next life ❤ no regrets. I'm not destroyed, and they are not evil. They will continue this repetitive cycle. I'm off the merry go round. Healing continues ❤
same this woman was the second love of my life, shes amazing, she freaks out when things get too close and cant help it... eally sad.
@@therealkeinemonikerthe love of my life is fearful avoidant and after 17 years and numerous break ups I became so “broken” I became avoidant too (originally secure then after being married to an alcoholic I became anxious) and ended up breaking up with him numerous times. I think we’re finally done torturing each other. 🙏🏼
@@KB-ih5gf both loves of my life have been FAs ...
The worst pain and anxiety of my life ....been with an avoidant could devastate your live to nothing ......they are humans like the rest of us but seriously damaged .My good advice to you from somebody that straggles with this for 2 1/2 years ...just take the pain and walk the hell out.
One of the hardest lessons to learn is giving up emotional attachment. but when you do it's liberating.
To my fellow FAs - just know you don't have to break up. You can tell the person you need time to yourself when you're having these extreme feelings. Be sure to tell the person up front that this may happen from time to time and why. Take that time to reflect and do the work on what's going on internally. The Personal Development School (PDS) has a ton of videos here on TH-cam, and has been a huge help in my own personal growth.
Also, for the women FAs, I just recently found out about PMDD, which results from abuse (mental/sexual/physical). So that week before your period - that is when it hits hard where you feel low and depressed and can sometimes experience rage. I always thought it was PMS, but this is something different and can negatively affect how you relate to others during that week. Dr. Berg has a video on how to naturally resolve it, some commenters claim it helps.
Thank you so much for this advice! I'm FA and have PMDD. It's been horrific
30 years with my fearful avoidant. Every decade, give or take a year, he loses it and blows up our lives. He always, ALWAYS, cheats with an ex, leaves to pursue a relationship with them, and then returns to me. It’s also always a very abrupt and very brutal break up. It is torture for me and our children. I am now separated again and I live in fear of both him not returning and him returning. If you can get out early, do that. The damage these people can do over decades is devastating.
Right my mental health and health started to suffer you're right let it go.
Therapy
@@sunshineonmyshouldersmakes8331 Was absolutely necessary, for me. Him? Never going to happen. That would require him admitting he has a problem
How are you still around him and how are you mentally intact
@@karltan9461 I’m not. I have been in no contact for 6 months and the time apart has taken 10 years off my face. My health has taken a drastic turn for the better. I was not exaggerating the damage this relationship has done
Second video I watched of yours. Wow dude you know your stuff. It’s scary how much right on the money you are exactly what I just went through for the last nearly 8 months. We just broke it off Saturday and I’m sticking to my guns. I’m done. She’s left me feeling like a pile of potatoes that got whipped. I don’t know where to begin. I appreciate this resource more than you’ll ever know. Thank you sir!
Begin with no contact and stick to it. Clarity will come
I’ve been seeing a severe fearful avoidant for 4 years.
I’m just so fed up
It’s exhausting!
Save yourself
I totally feel ya.
Omg the blocking part is sooo true 😂😂😂😂😂
Blocks you slowly. Is Hilarious
8:44
Wish everyone who believes in twin flames listen to this. If they did they would heal and get over it much faster! Avoid these unless they are doing the work. I got involved in this mess for 4 years and the minute I put myself foot down they ran for good! They don’t come back and it was devastating in still recovering a waste of my precious time. I learned a lot now I avoid them as I can sense it right away. Don’t go through it not worth it if you do you got to have strong boundaries and a good productive life, community and personal well being. Great channel thank you for what you do here.
This guy is amazing !! His empathy for the truth is so satisfying 🎉
That shit broke me too my friend ❤ I have been a milder FA with an extreme FA/DA boomerang. Thank you for bringing my anxiety down today. I am the partner who has healed through the relationship and outgrown it, but boy oh boy the withdrawal is AWFUL. The rage, the despair... I feel like I've been on cr*ck 😢 And the synchronicity. Gosh so many god moments. I've become so much more spiritual through this whole experience. I think these relationships break us so bad that we need to make meaning from chaos.
This is one of the best explanations I found on the internet regarding the attachement style dynamics between people! Pure gold!❤❤❤ thank you for everything that you do and for sharing your knowledge with us!!!
Yes this really is a high quality space
One of the top channels on the subject
The way that you overcome this as the fearful avoidant is to mend and repair attachment, injuries and attachment trauma. Alan Robarge goes through a lot of these strategies where he talks about sitting in acceptance of grief and attachment panic.
His videos are fantastic! I very much recommend them.
15 yrs of on and off, and years of therapy before I knew what avoidency is. Finally left and starting the journey of healing myself. Permanent damage 😢
Best explanation ever. So painful, I needed therapy and a psychiatrist for years. Thanks from Spain!
This is my wife. She suddenly ghosted me; a couple weeks later, she texted me that she didn’t think she could do it and get done; then another few weeks later, filed for divorce. This is the most crushing, soul-destroying experience of my life.
They will never fix themselves
I am living this and it is more brutal than my divorce from my 22 years in marriage and the mother of my child.
This relationship with a dismissive avoidant caused me more pain and now ongoing depression than being married for 28 years to a malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced.
Me too. I was divorced 30 yrs ago and I thought that process was bad at the time. It pales into insignificance compared to the mental hurt an FA/DA can do.
He doesn't even break up with me. He just avoids me for 2 or 3 weeks, or outright ghosts me, then comes back in fully love bombing me. He is self deprecating, and comes from a traumatic childhood. He's very funny, tender, attractive, sensitive, and sweet. We've had many intense bonding moments. We've gone through this cycle 5 or 6 times in the last 2 years. I'm addicted to his returning. I do feel like a junkie. I am trying to end it. In therapy. In the pit of despair. Have tried SLAA, but need to really commit to it.
Break the addiction
We sooth ourselves with the addiction
They are not experiencing it the same way
If you could get inside their head and heart you would realize that that don’t love at all like we do
And the one who broke me is otherwise an amazing woman
Had to walk
It’s the only way
Love is NOT an addiction
When it is
It MUST end
Please end it
I had experienced about 70 cycles in about 6 years. Until Iran into my own mental health crisis. My DA was a woman.
@@jurgenwehner3607 you may have broken the record
I hope you’re ok now and rebuilding your life
@@garyr1934 yes, getting there. Lot’s of therapeutic support, repeated IOPs; last year I spent over 20k on therapy efforts besides my insurance. I’m kind of proud of it. She felt no ownership at all for the problems despite she is a very accomplished and successful LMFT with ‚the stars’. All kind of credentials, can do everything (I.e. Gottman Institute) when she can sell it to clients, but not for herself or for us. Very sad! I feel quite sorry for her. She would have had my eternal love.
@@jurgenwehner3607 So sorry to hear about your situation! It's so traumatizing. Hope you'll get well soon!
Never have I been hurt like I was in this relationship. I gave my heart completely and it was trashed. I dont know yet that I'll ever be able to trust nor give my love like I did. He continues to drink the bottle and smoke away his life rather than get better.. Its so sad and living in a small town I just look the other way when we cross paths. Its sad really but the only way im able to heal and move past all of it. Its been a couple of years now and feels like it was yesterday.
Wow that body type statement hits home. Anything to flaw find.
Oh crikey you've just described the last 5 years of my life. Devastating
Last 7 of mine.
I'm def involved with one! He just came back after 2 mnths for the umpteenth time & he's being so distant still.
We don't attract the wrong men. We accept the wrong men. Why give repeated chances. Break the cycle. No contact permanently. Trauma bond.
A lot of times they do mine did and the cycle starts again I had to let it go it was starting to effect my heath I'm looking and feeling better now.
@@sheliasmith2884 yes I've been doing this cycle for 2 years now & he did something yesterday that really made me realize he doesn't care about me. My emotional & physical health have declined because of him. I can't even focus so I sent him a bunch of texts just letting him know exactly how I feel & that 8 can't do it anymore. To no surprise he didn't respond to any of them.
Fearful avoidant you are right I was laying in bed one day looking at the ceiling and it suddenly hit me ‘it is me I need to sort my shit out I am done with this shit done done done’
Everytime we got really close, he would Sabotage the relationship. He would just disappear for days/weeks retreating to his bed. Very very painful
He sounds like a dreamboat 🤣 remove yourself from him permanently.
Yes Ken, keep 'em coming! Your channel is gold! x
its very helpful and validating to have someone verbalize the happy times/all the "i love and want you so much forever" and intently getting to know you phase.......they may even mean well and mean it at the time themselves but not capable of carry through....
I can relate with you
Its devastating
In a hotel tonight watching this video by myself eight months later still struggling, so hard to recover from the massive head. Fuck she put me through coming back giving me hope leaving again. I ran from the pain all the way across the country from coast to coast anything to not feel the pain I found out she got engaged six months later she came back three or four times just to leave me again then villainized me painted me black I’ve never had a criminal charge in my life at one point I received a domestic violence charge because I wouldn’t leave the house in the middle of the night when she kicked me out, $97,000 in aviation training down the drain the airlines will never hire me now. I don’t see myself recovering from this emotionally for years. I’m only 36 I still feel like I’ve never loved somebody so much in my entire life I still cry for her all the time I’m still in so much pain in so much despair so lost in life not knowing where to go still finding myself hoping she’ll come back knowing it’s wrong. I keep asking myself God I need help how do I rid myself of this grief? My little brother killed himself when I was 16 he was a year younger than me. I’m not going to lie in some strange way this has been 10 times harder to deal with please people please protect yourself I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but my life has been tormented. By the way she walked out on me, came back and gave me help and left again over and over. I even moved across the country to be with her after she left the first time, my life is in such shambles and I had everything going for me before I met her
Wow, sorry you are dealing with this. That is so heavy. You have got to block her from everything. Don't allow her to keep playing with your life. You have to protect yourself from her and protect yourself from yourself even.
You're spiraling, understandably. It's an established pattern that has to be broken. It can't be broken if you continue having contact. The person who hurts you can't heal you. Please find a well skilled therapist with trauma and grief counseling experience and get an appt set up asap.
I know it feels like death, but you will survive it. Been there.
Sounds like borderline.
Just stay away. No contact. Give it time. It'll be better.
The world belongs to men that can get up and start again.
GL, god bless
Rock bottoms are the only way back up , and better. It stinks..it's an addiction. Chemicals are involved. Get into help immediately ....trauma therapy, AND Catholics in Recovery (faith-based 12 step program. I just started, but it wasn't for a 'lover,' it was a 'friend' and we filled deep needs for each other while learning she can't go deep and I'm devastated but not surprised.Prayers for you.....get to work, immediately.
@@feynou No, this is different and he needs more - support, people, 12 step program, etc.
Hello Ken, thank you so much for uploading this. It’s almost therapeutic 😊
Thank you for this video. This is the ONLY video on the entirety of TH-cam on this topic.
I’ve had my share of relationships
And a marriage with an extraordinary damaged and damaging woman who’s label I’ll leave for the pros
But no pain
None
Has been like this
This one broke me
And o ended it and blocked her
Knowing she’d push through again
That is an extreme measure to take
But necessary
After several breakups and proclamations that she can’t live without me
That she’s never known love like this
She pushed pulled and I’d end it on the push each time
She’d say it devastate her each time
I made excuses for her and I’d tell myself to work with her avoidance
Big giant mistake
I’m older so I know this was my last attempt at love
So it compounds it to maximum effect
Please leave the avoidant to heal
Find healthy love before you find yourself where I am
It’s cruel to both partners to try to make it work
My FA ex kept contacting me keep 2 years later after she discarded me. She keeps offering "friendship". So weird. I had to finally block her from everything.
It was the most painful breakup I've ever experienced. Horrible. Really horrible.
So sorry … I’m experiencing a similar situationship … I just gotta walk …
I'm in the middle of this situation too. It's now true torture.
went through 6 breakups out of nowhere with my FA. This most recent one has been 4 months and she is seeing someone new. I am praying i am out of the cycle. You were spot on.
Your videos give me strength at the moment!
Ken, thank you so much for this video. I'm taking it one day at a time and I do have my good days, but also bad days. I'm doing the work, journaling, reflecting, and finding what makes me happy and I have to say it has contributed to me being able to move on. You have unraveled so much of my concerns, questions as well as validated my process is good and healthy. It does take a long time. I'm on my 6th month, but man the first 3/4 months were soooo difficult. My partner was able to give me some closure after 3 months. we had a conversation, but her stoicism still shook me up. I am fortunate that she was never mean and admitted she knows something is wrong with her, but she doesn't know what it is. She said she doens't know why she broke up with me, but she felt she had to. I do agree with you it can be hard in both parties. However, I do not excuse her behavior. She is seeking therapy.
You always explain it so well!! Love your insight, communication, and advice. Thank you!!
one of the best videos i've ever seen on this topic. thank you for putting it together
Thank you so much for this and your true compassionate understanding
This was a valuable and HELPFUL watch. Thank you so much, you are going to go so far! Bring on the healing! 👏
I’m learning to be patient with my avoidant, yes he’s thrown me away 3 times and came back, the fear over takes them and they deactivate pushing the ones they care about away cause they don’t want to get hurt and don’t want to hurt you. He’s asked me to be his friend for now since he’s not wanting a relationship. I wouldn’t want anyone to give up on me and I can tell he’s had bad experiences with people leaving him or hurting him. I’m patient with him and when he’s ready I’m here for him.
Thank you, Thank you so much for this session! It helped me a Great Deal!!
My severely DA ex was a nightmare. Blocked me instantly at abrupt breakup. In coukd see he did not like himself on a deep level. insecure and superficial . . , He is not coming back. I’m better off.
Yes we are better off never again.
That's a blessing. They can return. However break the cycle. No contact is the solution.
They can respect your absence.
Realistically an anxious attachment who is more needy can be a better partner than an avoidant, a bad boy, that treats women like crap, or any guy that doesn't like and respect women. Relationships skills, emotional maturity and character are essential in healthy relationships.
When you've completely healed from all past experiences then you're set up to have successful relationships.
Just have to add that this a truly deep dive that paints a realistic picture of these dynamics. 😢 you don’t gloss over the negatives like other YT peeps do. .
YAAAAS Im here for this!!
Firstly I love your videos, and I am always sooooo intrigued how in gods green earth avoidants get married. Honestly can you explain please how they even get to this point. I had an avoidant who was sooo vulnerable and open with me I definitely know the connection was there 100# but then he started freaking out and picking fights and essentially I’ve texted and blocked me and now he’s with someone else and taking marriage and my brain is literally exploding this man was beyond anything I could ever imagine the biggest DA ever and commitment phobic next level. But then seeing that online it makes me wonder if DA’s just know when they have found throne and change completely because honestly the version of him I got I feel was there him , unhinged , triggered even though I approached this withcare and curiosity and with her he’s all love bomb central I can’t understand it. It hurts so much.
But I have also been in the receiving end of it, too.
Me too. I thought I was immune from this type of relationship hell......little did I know!
Good lord this is my girlfriend, and it is the most frustrating thing to deal with. It like she can't see she is the cause and my reactions are the effect. My reactions mean I may back away to regain my sanity for a day or so.
Great advice!
Right on point!
Oh no. Not for me. I’m so thankful that I had loving parents and a loving husband who adored me. I know this person was off.
Read the room sis.
@@PhoenixishotRight. Sheesh happy for her but not the time
Excellent video, thanks so much
God bless you, man.
Lord this is my life
Speaking from experience with allergic reactions when you have an anaphylactic reaction: you feel like you have to get everything restrictive away from your throat (jewelry, scarves etc.) and get outside in an opens or in a large space with high ceilings to feel less confined. When your tongue is swelling up from the back of throat you physically and literally can’t tell another person to save you or get your epi pen. You have to know where your epi pen is at all times (not an expired one either). When you stab yourself it hurts because the needle is thick, spring loaded and you have to jab enough that it can bruise. Then you feel soooo extremely exhausted while your body tries to catch up afterwards. I hope this helps someone understand the severity of what is happening within the body.
Great content 😊 I'm an avoidant( working on myself), if anyone has any questions, ask away, I'm happy to help you to understand what's going on in our heads.
Ok Lucy
Here’s one
Are you aware of the sheer agony you cause others
I know this sounds accusatory but I’m aware you don’t do it with intent
But there just isn’t any accountability that I’ve seen with the woman who broke me
And many say the same
I’ll take responsibility for going from secure attached to anxious
But this is also what fearful avoidance help to create in us
Thank you for suggesting we ask
@@garyr1934 Hi, no problem I'm here to help😊 yes I'm aware of your agony but what you can't see ( because I play it cool but dying inside) I'm in pain too, there can be 2 sorts of pain: a) I'm overwhelmed and I need space but can't tell you that because it will hurt your feelings, b) I Don't feel worthy, good enough and I know I can be dumped by you in the future so to prevent that I rather dump you now and save myself being abandoned ( because as a child I was abandoned by my caregivers and I can't take no more, it's excruciating ). We suffer a lot but don't show it, we are too scared to love and may never truly love. The only thing you can do is to step out, let them come to you...but they can act the same again in the future if triggered, me as avoidant I've met few avoidants and once I recognised who I'm dealing with I left, I know it has no future, it will be bumpy Road and I'm to fragile to put up with them🥺.
@@flower_7890 thank you for this confirmation of what we are told by those that know about this clinically
Hearing from an avoidant matters
It is also heartbreaking to read your words as I see you suffer too
Please try to address this to have a fulfilling life
@@garyr1934 I have no idea where my previous comment is, I can't see it
🤔 you're welcome, if you need to know more ask away😊 best wishes
@@flower_7890 thank you Lucy
Best wishes gif you as well
Immaturity might be an issue I think with those people. Anxiety, too. They could heal in the relationship if they admitted that's the case perhaps. Coming from someone with a little string skin like this.
I disagree. My FA/DA knows her issues, 100% knows, but still refuses to even start on any healing journey of any type and for any reason 😢
Ken, just started watching you. Your info is bang on! Clear and straight:). Question for you, if someone (me, the husband…) is subjected to say about 10-12 years to an dismissive avoidant who yes has emotionally abused me and when I try to broach this shit, I get platitudes about her “becoming a better person” but I have seen only fairly mild improvements over the past few years.
Anyway my question is this is so alien to me, until this marriage. I was very trusting and had a Secure attachment but over the past decade I see that my personality has shifted and it looks like I developed a fearful avoidant attachment.
Is this typical? Rare? Unheard of? She shifts with serious ranges in her demeanor. As long as I play along with her “Disneyland World” everything is fine. But if I talk about REALITY….. oh that’s probably not going to go well.
Just curious on how often you see the recipient of intermittent emotional abuse (Emotional Neglect more often…………) and after long term exposure they actually shift their attachment style despite their attempts NOT TO…. Thanks so much, Cheers
I was a fierce AP but I’ve very slowly inched (though just a tiny sliver) over to AP leaning FA. Maybe 7 or 8 times in the last 2 out of the 3 years I found myself so triggered I was unable to speak to HiM. I don’t know if my style has been forced to shift a little because of the severe trauma in dealing with this or if I’ve just become beaten down and more afraid to speak my mind. Either way it’s no good at all.
I will always love him and he has been in therapy for over a year now but, if he really wants me in his life he will have to heal his fearful avoidance. 😢
I think I’m more important to him than the toxic women he keeps jumping into relationships with. It’s why he can be vulnerable with me but says that I am too important and significant to him to risk losing to a failed relationship.
Mind fuck for you isn't it
I am in my late forties and have been dealing with a boomerang avoidant since I was 25. however, this person is a Dismissive Avoidant and not FA I am sure of it. Can someone let me know if DAs also boomerang? No it wasn't every 3 months Thank God (although in my twenties it was) that this was done to me-- sometimes my DA left for 5 years and once for even longer- but STILL I Feel like my whole life was miserable, even if there were many years where we went our separate ways. I think that the longer my DA went away, the more I was fooled that DA really changed. It occurred again a few months ago and this time DA really changed personalities and was VERY genuine and apologetic, driving hours and sacrificing time and money...and now I feel like an idiot for believing them. I guess since we are older, I thought DA had matured and this played a part. Well, 30 days ago, DA took a step back, no explanation, no nothing. I am in shock but It's my own fault. Today I am walking around like a zombie even at this age. I feel so alone.
Omgggggg you have given enough of your life to him, please be done!!!!!!! Did he ever get in any other committed relationship while you two were apart?
FA leaning AP with FA leaning DA 😅 perfect balance until he tipped more into DA from stress and I tipped more AP....he abruptly left the relationship. Thank god NC and he hasn't bounced back.
You did the right thing for your well-being it sounds. Radio silence seems to help for us to start our healing journey.
@@PhilipLoader It’s been almost a year and I chose to stay single and work through the devestation he caused me. He never reached out and as hard as it has been it has helped. I still miss him but if he wasn't able to work on the problem he wasn't able to have a LTR going forward. I hope he doesn't do this to another unsuspecting soul 😔
So how do you accelerate the healing process when you’re in business with the avoidant, own properties together, vehicles, and live blocks away from each other? We still have to communicate at this point and it’s been very difficult especially when he acts like nothing happened and nothing is wrong.
Act the same.. I am about to go back onboard because I work on a cruiseship. I am going to act just like he did. I have to see him 24/7..I am going to be dismissive and avoidant but polite to protect my sanity. Goodluck❤
This started happening after being together for a couple yrs he pulled away in the beginning but not for long and he would talk about our future then suddenly break up say very hurtful things go distant for months then come back and do the same cycle over n over. About every 6 months he would break up.
I knew when my stepson was diagnosed with a terminal diagnosis that the next time she left me would be the last. The trauma of her childhood abandonment would never allow her to lean on me for emotional support, only financial, but rather completely cut off any emotional connection for fear that she would be abandoned again. This time by the man who supported her for years & had sacrificed so much for her. I wish I had been able to not take her back the first time rather than living this roller coaster for 10 years only to end up emotionally & financially drained with nothing but conflicting memories.
I’m so sorry to read this
Especially about your step son
Heartbreak all around
Conflicting memories yes
I wish you the best
you can build back
I’m 62 and I’m saying that because I intend to be whole so that my own son does not see me broken
Which I am
But I fight and stay very very youthful
Don’t let her break you
If she did
It wasn’t love
And there is no conflict in that statement
We can’t fix them
They break us while we give them our best
Stay of one mind
No conflict
It wasn’t love as you know it
I’m certain your step son was the one who truly benefitted from your love
That is no small offering
Nor is that conflicting
I wish you well
Jeeze, that sounds terrible.
In my case it was skin cancer opps in hospital. My Fa/DA wouldn't ever visit. Hurtful as.
Ouch it’s spooky how correct you are spot on yikes man I went through this for five years recently. Eight months later I’m still recovering from the traumatic experience of being ghosted by my fiancé.
Same, about eight months ago, too. My ex fiance brutally discarded me, sabotaged the relationship, lit it on fire. I'm still recovering and will still be recovering for a long time. So many conflicting emotions consuming me... Missing him profusely while reconciling how abusive he was toward me. It is such a mindfxck. I wonder if he even cares at all. It seemed not. He seemed sociopathic about it, just completely emotionally unaffected (aside from all of his raging out).
5yrs of a seemingly good relationship with a FA/DA partner, then an 8mth split when I thought I was out, then she boomeranged back and now more of the roller coaster ,push pull stuff. I know it's the wrong thing to do to let things drag on, but I do seem addicted to the fantasy of a relationship. Like all addicts I suppose, my self esteem has been wrecked.
Ken, have you read AVOIDANT ABUSE: THE ABUSE TECHNIQUE OF THE NEW AGE, by Rhea Khan?
If someone told me that I wasn’t their body type, I would say, “So what if I have love handles! Use them!” I’ve said something to that effect, to a guy before. I only saw him once, but he sounded intrigued after I said it. You just got to own it sometimes. However, seriously. It’s really shallow for someone to suggest that body type is the problem whether they mean it or not. Someone trying to dodge scrutiny to justify their own is bullshit.
It's strange. I'm an FA, but I don't constantly break up with partners. In fact, I tend to put up with alot more rubbish than I should, and they end it, not me. I've never cheated on anyone and I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone. I also look very secure on the outside....own my own house, car, 20 year career as a nurse, have some good friends. I just can't stop being attracted to DA's and I push everyone else away and refuse to give them the time of day, and I get sssoooooo confused and disorientated with what is reality, when I'm dating someone 😢😢 My Father has a cluster B personality disorder (covert narc) and my Mum told ALOT of lies. My parents left me on my own as a very small child throughout the night every weekend to go out drinking and I had to look after my sister (I was 7, she was 5) so I believe this is where my damage was caused. My head just feels so messed up and it makes me depressed because I just want a secure relationship, but it feels utterly hopeless 😢
Maybe you're right about some FA/DAs not trying to purposely end relationships, but the end result is very likely (statistically) to be the end of any relationship.
@PhilipLoader most of my relationships have been ended by the other person. I'm FA. They all try to come back afterward, but the only one I've ever wanted back after I've been 'dumped', is my DA
Wasn’t there supposed to be a section on blocking? Maybe it’s another video? Link?
Does therapy help if they ever come back. Working with a therapist not only individually but as a couple. Has that ever work?
Fearful avoidant sounds a lot like manic or bo polar .. no?
Kinda hard to pinpoint an attachment style or anything else if it is non clinically diagnosed. We're not typically trained psychologists (wishful thinking if we're on the receiving end of the avoidants confusing ways)
So, as an FA....I am trying to figure out if this is me or something I should keep an eye on, if you have someone that left out of your life but come back after apologizing, is it normal 🤔 to be loving and nervous to have them in your life because tou are afraid they will leave again or is that just my issues?
Fearful avoidant and I don't do this bc I've been in therapy for 10 years and I'm dealing with this right now from someone else and I can't get them to leave me alone even tho they have a girlfriend
Are anxious attached people the usual other partner (love addict) of the avoidant? Is the love addiction aspect a result of being w the avoidant or a natural consequence of being anxiously attached? 😊
both - same issue, extremely different ways of manifesting it
Mine is going on 8 times. I know,I know….but …ughhhh
I totally feel ya. Especially the ughhhhh
Like wow
I feel that we are both dismissive avoidants. 😢
I was going tobsay at least be ENM!!!!
Easy just assert boundaries like if you walk out you can't come back problem solved
you obviously don't have the trauma wounds as deep as the rest of us here.... it's not 'easy.' Tell an alcoholic "just stop going to the bar, goodness!"
If it were easy we’d all have done it and some long ago.
What’s the point of stressing how difficult / how fuxked/ how dysfunctional/ brutal/ exhausting/ painful/ ineffective/ shamed/ failure-stricken/expensive/ in vain…blah blah it is for avoidant attaches or partners to heal?
You are literally spreading fear over horror.
Cause it’s the truth? 😂
I think he's just telling it like it IS.
Those that have lived this need to feel heard, seen and validated.
It’s deep. If you don’t understand, please count that as a blessing.
Wish I heard this years ago when I was involved with a DA. It's one of the benefits of having access to this on the Internet.
Ken is doing alot of good spreading the word, so people are clued up and not so helpless.
Better to be informed in relationships.