I'm in the middle of journaling about how my avoidance is "flaring up" right now in my relationship and how frustrating of an experience it is. Decided to open TH-cam and this was the first video on my homepage. Wild timing. Thanks for making this.
My mother is securely attached and my father was disorganised attached. I grew up with a LOT of verbal violence from my father. He was extremely inconsistent. We never knew when he would go mental, but one thing was a guarantee.... He would, multiple times a day into the late night. I already figured out some 20 years ago that the first time he yelled at me, at the age of 4, was a key defining moment in my development. It was some 11 months ago that Somatic Experiencing helped my body/nervous system to release the frozen emotions, feelings and sensations (early childhood trauma) belonging to that key defining moment. It was when I started to be Dismissive Avoidant. The good thing? We are all wired for Secure Attachment, it is something we can learn, this is the wonder of neuro plasticity! 😀😀😀
@shawnmendrek3544 And I still stand by my comment. With one side note... I have moved into Secure Attachment a bit more now, it may not be (or ever will be) perfect but it's preferable from where I was 😀
@@oliviarivshe is securely attached. Trust me, when one heals and moves into dominantly securely attached you feel these things. You are spot on about the resources though, that she did for us.
I’d bet a million bucks your mom is dismissive avoidant. I don’t personally believe that any human in a civilized society can develop a genuinely secure attachment style, because we raise babies in a way that cannot possibly meet their inborn expectations, but dismissive avoidants are the most likely to be perceived at secure and even to type as secure, if they take an attachment style test for some crazy reason. The closest to actually secure is probably anxious, then fearful avoidant, and then dismissive avoidant. In that sense, your father may have experienced less attachment trauma as a baby than your mother, if you are correct about his style. My husband had a mother who was DA and a father who was FA, and my husband is FA leaning dismissive. He never had a problem acknowledging the trauma he had surrounding his relationship with his father, but it wasn’t until he was 43 that he could finally accept that most of his trauma was in relation to his mother, and the fact that she couldn’t protect him from his father and his older siblings. We identify more with our mothers than with our fathers, so it’s usually easier to acknowledge that our fathers were really messed up than that our mothers were.
Thank you for genuinely being supportive of other's journey to heal! Many of us want to so we can be our best for ourselves and in the relationships we put ourselves in but we do need help and support, it's hard to see everything, all at once, all the time haha. Thank you Thank you!!
Thank you 🙏🏻 I just found out I’m avoidant after my last breakup, and I’m torn up about breaking her heart. I need to change, I can’t be like this anymore 😢
But I am trying to understand my wife who is an avoidance type. Just so I can understand her more. I really don't want to throw away 23 years or hurt our 5 kids.
@@mannywhitaker5229 have you tried emotionally focused therapy? It's definitely worth the investment. Sue Johnson also wrote a book on it called "in each other's care." Try watching the videos on TH-cam if you want to see what it's about. There are even videos of actual sessions to show you what to expect.
My wife and I have done so much therapy on this (couples and individual), that now we have flip flopped attachment styles lol. However, our therapist says flip flopping is part of the path to secure attachment (since you're finally able to be in the shoes of the other person)
It is a saying - it means, that you turn something into the opposite thing and then reverse it back again. For example you change you opinion 100% and present it as now correct and that your previous one was bs and then making the old / first one back again valid. Goes for many people and behaviors and it’s mostly toxic.
I hope you're doing well these days! The pain is real. Lol I'm so weird.. I'll hangout with one person for a couple months and take 6 months to learn about everything 😂 it's a slow process but hopefully will pay off. Idk , not a professional
Yes. Same situation. This level Introspection would have never taken place without the breakup. Get up and conquer day by day! Dont indulge in toxic pleasures and heal for yourself. You got this!
Been trying to understand my avoidant BF and this describes him to T including dependence on substances. We keep repeating patterns (action/reaction) and cycles of good days followed by pulling away. His new puppy is his latest distraction from a focus on us as he puts love and attention to that which cannot hurt him. The lack of emotional closeness and his lack of awareness is hard to deal with and I'm losing hope.
Ever consider you are causing the reaction by using the wrong action? Depending on the substances it could be as simple as sucking him into you via video games shows sex good conversations, like life goals and setting boundaries and standards. This doesn't always work but if you show a man you're serious he is a lot more attuned to the problem, than he would be if you beat around the bush and offer no help. Don't be his mother but treat him like an adult and show him where you need him by telling him instead of berating him.(Most men's perception) i think.... they can vote for themselves. We don't mean to be avoidant but its easier than guessing games. Show us a purpose we can fulfill, men solve problem.... ffs
@coleyschillcollection7823 I never berated him. He has some deep seated issues from childhood too big for me. All I could offer is support until I concluded his dismissiveness, criticisms, name calling, coldness, lying and cheating would never change. I'm not a punching bag for his personal frustrations so I left .. and he still drinks and smokes with his buddy. They're codependent and happy I guess.
This is key. Anxious and avoidants have a blindspot when it comes to how their actions affect others. We don't mean bad we're trying to help ourselves in a way that might make others feel very uncomfortable. Usually avoidants just ignore it while anxious team up with others feeling the same way. It's a self-fullfiling prohecy😩😂sad but true.. 🤷
Wow! This is the most practical and specific video I've seen on the topic. Real advice and not "you suck, your partner sucks, sign up for my $2k class"
Connor is the real face of true relationship help and advice. Truly good intentions and trying to make this world just a little easier for everyone out there. He is so underappreciated while pretty boy club boy/shaved arm gym bro fakes like Chris Williamson blow up with millions of viewers for providing cheap jokes and redundant convos we've heard a million times to sell books. Keep going, god is gonna continue to reward the real ones like you bud.
Just listened to this on the podcast and hit the nail on the head on what I’m currently going thru in my relationship with my wife where I’m the avoidant and she’s the anxious. Looking forward to the follow up on these for solutions. It brought a lot of clarity to the elusive obvious problem we’ve been facing.
@@ManTalksIt hit like the hand of God. I am the definition of dismissive avoidant. I knew I suffered from something, but did not know what or why. I'm near the end of a 5 year marriage with a beautiful, high value woman that was all green flags. Some quirks yes, but at the end of the day my avoidant attachment self sabotaged this relationship for the last two years. I've shared the enlightenment, but she is "done". Nice guy, people pleaser verses a very capable, strong willed woman that eventually held all the masculinity. Conflicts were almost non existent. We meshed like fine gears and yet when an occasional disappointment appeared I would withdraw in shame instead of being able to have constructive conversation and lean into what she needed. Analysis paralysis and inaction. I can't repair the broken bond at this point, but I can repair myself and have much easier and fuller relationships moving forward. LIFE will be better overall after understanding how this affects so many aspects of my daily choices and functions. Total gratitude to you sir.
In a 1 month ghosting from an avoidant man, whom I love very much. The signs are all there. We were having a long distance relationship....in the SAME city. Drove me crazy. When we finally did come together it was always enjoyable. I have since moved from anxious to more secure. I miss him.
@@nannyboo9832same thing is happening to me, he doesn’t want to have sex or spend any time with me even though lives 30 minutes away, I see him once every month to month and a half . But he keeps tabs on me by texting and calling me.
Unfortunately, we often missed the idea of how someone could be or how the relationship could be and that is more of a fantasy. It’s also part of the fantasy of a narcissist where when you’re with them, they’re really there and present but when you’re not with them, they’re out living their life, the truth hurts and unfortunately can create limmerence for an ideal that was lostl. It’s a façade of what it would be like day and day out can you imagine being in a room where the person basically is shut down or Where they’re doing their thing even when you’re living in the same house or you’re at dinner and they spend more time talking with the waitress than they do you on your birthday it’s so easy to make movies in our minds.
Just clicked play and REALLY looking forward to absorbing this - and sharing it with my avoidant husband. Eventually. And hopefully he doesn’t avoid watching it.
Gosh, I’m a woman thinking I had anxious attachment but quite a few things you’ve said here are resonating that I have more than a few avoidant styles too! Knowing that actually makes me more understanding of my man’s avoidant style and I’m feeling so much compassion for him … I hope we can get to a point where we can watch this together … I ache to meet his need … it’s so hard sometimes to disconnect for his sake, when all I want to do is hold him close and be held close 😢
I started on my healing journey last summer when dating an anxious partner brought out all sorts of avoidance (when in retrospect I realize that I've usually been on the other side of that dynamic). Really woke me up to some stuff, including what it might have been like to be with me as the more anxious partner. Good luck to you!
I love watching your videos and learning about various topics from a balanced male perspective. It’s really refreshing when so many platforms are either demonizing men (or women) and/or are not looking more deeply at relational and personal growth. Thank you!
I’ve never dealt with a DA like I have for the past 1.5 years. It has completely wrecked me. I’ve always been somewhat anxious but this is on another level.
Healing the inner child within has been so highly beneficial in my healing journey. The mankind project and the weekend transformative journey has brought me to face my shadow aspects. I was faced with all the projections and triggers from my disfunctional family patterns passed on from my parents. Awareness is key to healing, the work starts when you feel safe enough to really feel the grief, anger, rage of the little boy. Highly recommend reading homecoming and healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. After reading these I was brought to tears from the pain my inner boy/ teenager faced growing up. These inter generational wounds are deep in the collective shadow and we are seeing this being played out in the world.
This is one of the best and most accurate videos on an avoidant man and dealing with them. Even being in a relationship with one, I barely feel like a gf because of the strong boundaries to keep me at arms length.
God bless you for making this video, I always thought I was hopeless in my relationships, Literally holding back tears watching this. I wish I could show this to a couple past partners it could have changed things but moving forward things will improve, please keep making videos you’re doing a great service
Ngl, this is probably the best work I have encountered on avoidant attachment, I am working my way to secure attachment from disorganized attachment and I look forward to that video as well. The way you've addressed the avoidant here makes so much sense to me about my own avoidance especially that bit about not trusting that the connection will be sustained through conflict and that speaking my own mind and expressing my truest feelings will not lead to disconnection or even if it does, there's alway grace for repair. It feels good to be seen. My boyfriend is also avoidant, it's now so evident to me and I want to learn more strategies on how to connect better with him, I love all those helpful tips you've shared especially the scripts on giving choices and having them choose rather than chasing them down with ultimatums. Great video😊
Avoidants and covert narcissists share many traits, but the key difference is their intent. Covert narcissists aim to hurt you, while avoidants do so unintentionally. However, whether you're with an avoidant or a covert narcissist, the impact on you can be remarkably similar, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Both personalities can lead to emotional turmoil, confusion, and significant challenges to your self-esteem and trust.
It's like they become a mix of how they were treated and in combination with that the way the conditioned themselves to adapt to it. So take both entities or characteristics, merge that into one and that is a Dismissive Avoidant. A person who becomes their caregiver to others and a person who lives in fear of exposing their wounds ,their vulnerability and how they adapted to it. A negative synergy of both worlds unfortunately. Yet, naturally with evolution there is a desire for intimacy, closeness and a connection but the duality merged into one creates this person. THE AVOIDANT. Because they become who they are, I truly feel that the only way they can become secure is through professional help and the WILL to face those core wounds.
Yes, and, sadly, they are the attachment style that is the LEAST likely to seek in-person, face-to-face therapy. Or any other kind of therapy, for that matter. I feel (rather than) think that, in the end, ultimately, they are just not that into the people who are into them.
God i can’t be more thankful to anybody but you Dr I love your videos and you’re professional way of delivering information am binging on your videos since last night. I am sharing with friends and family. Thanks for making these helpful videos.
it may not be "unhealthy" for the person that's avoidant, but what they end up putting their partner through, isn't just unhealthy, but can be traumatic. so with respect, I'd say their coping mechanism is toxic. they lure someone in, get them, then panic because their getting to close, start telling them selves that they csnt trust anyone, so then they push them away, usually through cheating, or ghosting, and when when the partner finally says I give up, I've had enough, I'm gone, the avoidant then thinks " see I knew they woukd leave" they self sabotage then blame the partner, and take no accountability. that's incredibly toxic.
My husband is an avoidant and shortly after we got married he went from loving to critical and blaming. He stopped being affectionate unless I initiated. Really messed with my mind but eventually I did figure out it wasn't me. He had the problem. We are still married and I have had to focus on my wellbeing and our daughter's. I do also see my role in allowing this relationship dynamic. I would be very cautious before entering into another relationship.
@@melissathomas2314: how are things with your husband now? Are you trying to get counselling? Is the relationship better now, that you know he is avoidant? Have you talk to him about this?
@@LuvableTyraBaby im so sorry. it's really hard the moment you relize that the person you committed your life to, didn't think, feel, or love you the way that they had lead you to believe. it's like you got dropped into a diffrent reality where everything is the opposite of how you remember it being. it causes you to distrust in the person you thought you were, changes how you see yourself, like the identity you thought you had, was fake. it's embarrassing, and heartbreaking. were taught how to love ourselves by how others treat us. if we're abuses we think we're not deserving, if we're ignored we think no one cares, if we're lied to we think we're not good enough, and if we're betrayed we think that it's our fault for believing their lies. it's hard to like the parts of ourselves that keep getting rejected by those we care about.
Insecure attachment patterns that persists throughout adulthood and impacts self or others in ways that inflict suffering are unhealthy. Although as children those patterns are appropriate adaptations to make in response to their environment for survival sake, these adaptations and patterns, created via attachment wounding, correlate with many conditions that require professional attention.
You are a legend, thank you so much for your well informed and well spoken tutorial on avoidant attachment. I think if you could get a gold metal for that attachment style I would have it. Not that I would actually want it but least I can not begin to eradicate this child hood behaviour and add it to the rest of my child hood trauma rap sheet. Seriously love your work and would love to hear about the anxious attachment as well because I don’t know if it is possible but I may have that as well. Anyways watched much of your videos and I love them all, keep going because your well seasoned talks are sure guiding the broken men to salvation.
Watched this with my husband. He somehow emerged more arrogant and his key takeaway is that he's superior because he's a "pure avoidant" whereas I'm a lowly, mixed anxious-avoidant (aka disorganized). This is his explanation of why I am always cleaning and organizing.
Great explanation! I am a fearful avoidant (shifting between anxious and dismissive) and would love to hear your thoughts on causes, relationship dynamics and what to do. Again, thank you very much!
This was really good, thanks! A very comprehensive description of what it's like to be avoidant, as well as practical techniques to overcome it. Thanks a lot! I'm waiting for the one about the FA partner now hehe
I was in a relationship with an avoidant anxious attachment partner. It was extremely traumatizing to me. There was a lot of infidelity and gaslighting. He sent me this video to explain his behavior. I understand the reasons, but I don’t agree with what is being suggested here. We as kind secure committed safe partners have given everything to the relationship. Are we to walk on eggshells and never ask for any affection, commitment, kindness or understanding in return? We are not allowed to say anything negative or gently ask for our needs? Is this not pandering to poor behavior? And what does a secure partner get out of a relationship with someone who only expects their needs met? How can that be healthy?
I feel like he does give actionable things to do to give the other person what they need. So that, you can get to a secure attachment with the other person. It sounds like he did not want to change just justify being the way he is. Sounds like he used you and left. I’m so very sorry.
It’s crazy how everything he described feels to me as just “being a man”. That’s how I grew up, “trust only in God”. Men call other men “friends” but the fact is that even women will judge the things you say when you’re not performing the role you’re socially expected to. Be vulnerable = get hurt. With my dad, even his hugs did hurt. Maybe it’s a Brazilian (or Latino) culture issue. Maybe not. Maybe it’s about luck. If this doesn’t resonate with you, maybe you can feel very lucky. Be aware of the privileges you got in life. I’m working on myself. Thanks Connor, excellent video, as usual.
@@BlueBlue23 Anyone who thinks that a man can't show affection to his own son, that he has to set a rigid example of virility all the time, can't hug without squeezing, tickle without poking hard, or play with his son without getting angry and humiliating. Limitations of his mentality that I managed not to pass on to my children, when I became aware of it.
It's exciting to hear you, and listen to you teach from your personal experience. It feels rich and makes me proud of who you are. Your giving so much and not concerned with selling something. I love you. Thankyou.
Daycare is a huge culprit and less mothers staying home. Also less men being willing to be providers/hook up culture disintegration/over medicated society etc
Basically whoever is dating an avoidant needs to understand that they will forever be pleasers and care takers of the relationship UNTIL an avoidant miraculously decides to change and by the way you can't tell them to go for therapy. I have been with an avoidant for 5 years this December i Lasted this long YES but i have realised he doesnt want to change, he is comfortable with who he is. Im not anything close that could make him want to change. i wish that i could have left early on cos no amount of speaking a certain way, letting him ghost me and when he comes back act like nothing happened, no amount of holding to communicate if he is not ready bottom line he was not ready or willing to give me what i wanted. If i had left early instead of walking on eggshells nursing and understanding him and totally neglecting ME in the process would have saved me a lot of broken hearts and sleepness nights of tears 😂😂
The issue is that I was prioritising the other person so much that it started to slide to the other person's needs over mine all the time, and they becamr more and more controlling over time to the point I felt like I wasn't important at all. Sometimes, the avoidantly attached person can't take the focus off themselves long enough for that to happen.
I just recently found out that I am a fearful avoidant and realised how I have never allowed anyone to be closed or have trusted anyone before. I had a two-and-a-half-year relationship that ended eight months ago, she tried to connect in many ways, but I pulled away all the time. Eight months later and a lot of learning about my attachment style I wish I knew about it before. I have never met anyone like her before and I wish I could have made it work for us knowing what I know now. Thank you for sharing.
@conner: Thank you for your straight forward appraoch. I know you speak mainly to men, however, the no nonsense of your talks is what resonates with this avoidant/anxious person and her partner that wishes for her to stop! Now I have the confidence and the skill for a secure, really secure relationship and to move into what my heart really desires.
If it was just pullback we would still be together. I have learnt how to self regulate. I did the self parenting. I created space, checked myself when I caught myself doing protest behaviours. What I couldn't accept is breaking my trust, breaching agreed boundaries then realising that she tried to manipulate me to blame myself so she can get away with punishment cycles. I broke up with her without looking back and feel relieved. I appreciate that avoidants are scared and hurt, sometimes even oblivious to their protective mechanisms or the consequences. But I am not responsible for another person's healing and won't sacrifice myself for anyone maybe except my son.
Getting "out of it" takes a ton of therapy and inner child work - it's not something someone is going to fix on their own after watching a youtube video. It's good information and introduction for those that are unaware of their attachment style, but the road ahead to repair is long.
I feel relationship like chasing each other. Both is unaware of our own behavior. When I don’t trust relationships, men seeking and pursuing for approval, when we give approval, he start to shut up to find his independence life style. Just interesting but the good part of relationship, we learn different perspectives of life and behavior creation 😅
Isn't that the classic push-pull of the avoidant/anxious trap. We make you feel more anxious and you make us feel more avoidant. Not good for either person.
Funny thing is that other people make avoidants anxious, especially anxious people because their emotions are all over the place and it rubs off on you😂. Covert avoidants will make you chill though. It's a totally different animal lol. We only make you feel anxious if you're passive aggressive or try disturb our peace by talking shxt about people, be humble😉
No, without being anxious to start with nothing would shatter a securely attached person’s world into getting anxious. They’d f ex not take the avoidant behavior personally ally and act on it, they’d either leave or be patient. I know this because I’ve done the journey from anxious to secure and now darting an avoidant I notice the intense changes in me from before
@@MimifromChicagoI was diagnosed mainly secure; I did lean slightly anxious while my partner was diagnosed with an extreme DA and leans FA. I’m earned healed and he is still extreme DA leaning FA. My partner hid his alcohol addiction; his LO and sexting and pics; ( she wasn’t interested in him of course just attention ) and porn; while also financial betrayals. In my experience; these caused me incredible stress; anxiety that I have never experienced in my life. This man portrayed himself to be someone else and 5 years in I found out a lot by accident. The lies ; and secrets; and some behaviors and traits he didn’t show until almost 3 years in ( After I moved in. ) After a while; our councilor released him as he wasn’t wiling to do the deep hard work. I continued with therapy. Eventually one heals and gets even healthier while the other doesn’t do much and there’s a large gap in growth. Then he scrambles realizing this and I asked him to get back to therapy as I don’t see a future without it. Although I understand this can take years especially for avoidant; He went and he isn’t doing deep work. He is not willing to get healthy unfortunately so I get to choose what is best for me/ us and I’ll be moving on. So in my case; he made me more anxious with betrayal trauma. Our therapist says I’m paying the bill for his childhood trauma and past relationship trauma. So when there are those on extreme spectrum they absolutely cause someone to be more anxious. I didn’t pursue; I didn’t chase which seemed to trigger his FA side. It is our responsibility to heal with or without their help which I did. He couldn’t do the emotional repair work. He did other things like buying me stuff; ( just bandaid solution ) which is huge for him as he hoarded he resources for many years; and started choosing to spend time with me which was also huge for him as he preferred all his downtime alone. The time spent was not emotionally connected. He avoids any conversation with even slight depth. Stick to weather and dinner talk. He didn’t stop drinking only slowed it to a minimum; and continues to judge others harshly; extremely critical of others ( yet so much of it is projection) and is negative about everything in life and feels like he’s good now and healed and continuing therapy would be a waste. There is absolutely no introspection. Just some changed behaviors which I suspect out of fear.
Thank you for the clear and actionable breakdown of DA. I check every box and my childhood was so stark there’s no mystery to why. I never saw the need or use in emotional connection, seemed like a liability or simply false projections and very sticky. Considered myself exceptionally objective and rational. Never felt I needed to fix anything as it was very adaptive and I’ve been very successful in life until I met the most stable grounded man who patiently showed up everyday with hope (but no guarantee) that I would stick around. After 10 years together I’m letting go of my ascetic hermit dream/preference and finally ready to accept love, support and true intimacy. I’m not sure if this is a warning or sorry of hope for others with strong avoidants. Maybe both. You can’t change other people, they have to want to change. It took me a looooooong time and a lot of childhood reparenting, various therapeutic modalities, etc to get to here.
I am neglected in my childhood,beating me is my unforgettable memory ,never seen my mom since im 37 now.my problem is im so empathetic because i dont want other people to experience what id experienced.... but im working on my healing each and every day ..
How about a person with an avoidant attachment style that is dealing with an addiction? Would you say that in that case the avoidant might be avoiding because of shame and that the shame needs to be dealt with first?
Most avoidants are dealing with addiction. And yes they are dealing with toxic shame. They are in a lot of pain. The addiction is an attempt to find relief from the pain, as well as yet another way they are trying to escape.
Thank you so much for this video. My husband is avoidant. What I'm finding very interesting is that when you described causality, every single one of the causes were present in my own childhood. I lean towards anxious-secure. I wonder why I didn't turn out avoidant?
Although I can try to empathize with an avoidant, when interacting with them in a romantic relationship dynamic, the other person on the other end is giving all of the power and leewayto the avoidant. Everything is on the avoidants terms. It’s like trying to convince an abused toddler to feel safe enough to come out of the corner or trying to convince a scared child or scared animal to come from underneath the table. And if you’re a woman dealing with an avoidant man, it’s kind of a turn off to be completely honest. Because these types of men are not capable of leading a relationship if they are afraid of intimacy. And my opinion is that it’s just best to have these people as friends, but I don’t believe that they are good choices in a romantic relationship dynamic. Just my opinion based on experience. Just don’t try to be in a romantic adult relationship with an avoidant. Friends only….
Sure, but can we try to have a chance? ☺️ It's already a first step searching about it and getting more info, so we can also do something about it. I think counceling is a second step. It's not fun to be an avoidant, but we sure can lead in many things.
This is so poignant, well articulated and speaks directly to me. At 52 I wish I was aware if this 30 years ago. After a fails marriage/relationship of 20 years and now a failed 3 year experiencing actual love this video hits home on so many points it’s chilling. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and helping us!
I am a fearful avoidant drawn to avoidants, how do you guys even find a partner in this state?😅yet if I manage to do so this video seems helpful in terms of communicating with avoidants and explaining people how to behave with me when I am in my avoidant state. I am extremely avoidant with my mom, esp after I understood she may be the main person making me an avoidant in the first place. I think it would be helpful if instead of ultimatums, criticism, ostracism, giving orders she would talk to me in this 'choice' manner. It would make me sooooo much relaxed, I would be happy to talk and share then. Not a man, very much a woman, but I just hit subscribed😂
It's not just about the avoidant partner-consider whether you want their traits passed down to your children, which research suggests is highly likely. The real question is: are you prepared to risk that? Parents have an ethical duty to create a healthy environment for their kids. If your avoidant partner resists change and refuses to work on becoming secure, it sets the stage for an unhealthy dynamic for both you and your children. A damaging tactic used by avoidants is their tendency to nitpick and find flaws in their partners. They fixate on the negatives, often blowing tiny issues out of proportion, and that's all they remember. This constant flaw-finding makes them view others in a consistently negative light, which can be incredibly draining and toxic for those on the receiving end. Finally, I disagree with the notion that men are more likely to be avoidants. Research actually shows that the distribution of avoidant attachment is quite similar between genders. Claiming otherwise is a stereotypical statement that doesn't reflect the reality of attachment styles.
When someone starts pulling away, while you are emotionally available it is draining. At the same time they also see you as the problem then how is it possible to not personalise it?
I hear a lot about the wounds stemming from childhood, is it possible to have learned these coping mechanisms in adult relationship? In my case, I could see the latter more clearly than the former… but definitely will look harder.
41:19 I've lost control of my mind, my body, and my spiritual connection All this. But its sooooo exhausting. Because we can try to plan & theyll say it sounds good but come time- theyll disappear. And how do you not criticize? They do it. Why cant we? I forget whats working. I forget.
Can you do a video on co parenting with an ex husband who is avoidant? That is one topic that is concerning for me as we raise our daughter together. Thank you !
Yes!! More Fearful Avoidant healing ideas beyond somatics breathwork. How to communicate need for non sexual safety and managing initial dating with more anxious types that ‘feel’ desperate. I’m a woman.. 💃
I'm in the middle of journaling about how my avoidance is "flaring up" right now in my relationship and how frustrating of an experience it is. Decided to open TH-cam and this was the first video on my homepage. Wild timing. Thanks for making this.
check thais gibson and briana macwilliam
Adam Lane Smith too explains what's going on in the brain too
I'm trying to flood my DA crush with love and support.
Not working 😂 she ran away
I am guilty for this as well 😂 @@robinharrison4902
Journalling about "YOUR" avoidance??? 🙄 Wow!!! 😍That is fantastic!!
Thank you for doing the right thing and doing the work!!!
My mother is securely attached and my father was disorganised attached. I grew up with a LOT of verbal violence from my father. He was extremely inconsistent. We never knew when he would go mental, but one thing was a guarantee.... He would, multiple times a day into the late night. I already figured out some 20 years ago that the first time he yelled at me, at the age of 4, was a key defining moment in my development. It was some 11 months ago that Somatic Experiencing helped my body/nervous system to release the frozen emotions, feelings and sensations (early childhood trauma) belonging to that key defining moment. It was when I started to be Dismissive Avoidant.
The good thing? We are all wired for Secure Attachment, it is something we can learn, this is the wonder of neuro plasticity! 😀😀😀
@shawnmendrek3544 And I still stand by my comment. With one side note... I have moved into Secure Attachment a bit more now, it may not be (or ever will be) perfect but it's preferable from where I was 😀
I doubt your mom was securely attached if she stayed with him. However maybe her resources were such that she didn't have a choice.
@@oliviarivshe is securely attached. Trust me, when one heals and moves into dominantly securely attached you feel these things. You are spot on about the resources though, that she did for us.
@@oliviariv She is, trust me I have known her my whole life 🤗
I’d bet a million bucks your mom is dismissive avoidant. I don’t personally believe that any human in a civilized society can develop a genuinely secure attachment style, because we raise babies in a way that cannot possibly meet their inborn expectations, but dismissive avoidants are the most likely to be perceived at secure and even to type as secure, if they take an attachment style test for some crazy reason. The closest to actually secure is probably anxious, then fearful avoidant, and then dismissive avoidant. In that sense, your father may have experienced less attachment trauma as a baby than your mother, if you are correct about his style. My husband had a mother who was DA and a father who was FA, and my husband is FA leaning dismissive. He never had a problem acknowledging the trauma he had surrounding his relationship with his father, but it wasn’t until he was 43 that he could finally accept that most of his trauma was in relation to his mother, and the fact that she couldn’t protect him from his father and his older siblings. We identify more with our mothers than with our fathers, so it’s usually easier to acknowledge that our fathers were really messed up than that our mothers were.
If you are here and you are avoidant... This stranger on the Internet is already DAMN proud of you! 😎👌 FIGHT ON WARRIOR!!
Thank you for genuinely being supportive of other's journey to heal! Many of us want to so we can be our best for ourselves and in the relationships we put ourselves in but we do need help and support, it's hard to see everything, all at once, all the time haha. Thank you Thank you!!
Thank you 🙏🏻 I just found out I’m avoidant after my last breakup, and I’m torn up about breaking her heart. I need to change, I can’t be like this anymore 😢
Thank you! The comments are normally full of hate for avoidants. Trying to work on it.
But I am trying to understand my wife who is an avoidance type. Just so I can understand her more. I really don't want to throw away 23 years or hurt our 5 kids.
@@mannywhitaker5229 have you tried emotionally focused therapy? It's definitely worth the investment. Sue Johnson also wrote a book on it called "in each other's care." Try watching the videos on TH-cam if you want to see what it's about. There are even videos of actual sessions to show you what to expect.
My wife and I have done so much therapy on this (couples and individual), that now we have flip flopped attachment styles lol. However, our therapist says flip flopping is part of the path to secure attachment (since you're finally able to be in the shoes of the other person)
That’s actually really adorable. I’m rooting for your marriage 🎉
What Is flip flopped? 😅
( Not mother tongue)
@@alice-hp7dhswitched, reversed 😊 I think. I am not a native speaker either
@shawnmendrek3544 italian
It is a saying - it means, that you turn something into the opposite thing and then reverse it back again. For example you change you opinion 100% and present it as now correct and that your previous one was bs and then making the old / first one back again valid. Goes for many people and behaviors and it’s mostly toxic.
Wish I found you a few months ago man, but the pain of the breakup may of been the only thing that made me need to understand myself.
Exact same feeling
I hope you're doing well these days! The pain is real. Lol I'm so weird.. I'll hangout with one person for a couple months and take 6 months to learn about everything 😂 it's a slow process but hopefully will pay off. Idk , not a professional
Yes. Same situation. This level Introspection would have never taken place without the breakup. Get up and conquer day by day! Dont indulge in toxic pleasures and heal for yourself. You got this!
Been trying to understand my avoidant BF and this describes him to T including dependence on substances. We keep repeating patterns (action/reaction) and cycles of good days followed by pulling away. His new puppy is his latest distraction from a focus on us as he puts love and attention to that which cannot hurt him. The lack of emotional closeness and his lack of awareness is hard to deal with and I'm losing hope.
Ever consider you are causing the reaction by using the wrong action? Depending on the substances it could be as simple as sucking him into you via video games shows sex good conversations, like life goals and setting boundaries and standards. This doesn't always work but if you show a man you're serious he is a lot more attuned to the problem, than he would be if you beat around the bush and offer no help. Don't be his mother but treat him like an adult and show him where you need him by telling him instead of berating him.(Most men's perception) i think.... they can vote for themselves. We don't mean to be avoidant but its easier than guessing games. Show us a purpose we can fulfill, men solve problem.... ffs
@coleyschillcollection7823 I never berated him. He has some deep seated issues from childhood too big for me. All I could offer is support until I concluded his dismissiveness, criticisms, name calling, coldness, lying and cheating would never change. I'm not a punching bag for his personal frustrations so I left .. and he still drinks and smokes with his buddy. They're codependent and happy I guess.
Yet another mindless person enjoying the avoidant experience, hope you break up, cause you're clearly not up for it.
Great video. Don’t capitulate to your avoidants, make them do the work too!
This is key. Anxious and avoidants have a blindspot when it comes to how their actions affect others. We don't mean bad we're trying to help ourselves in a way that might make others feel very uncomfortable. Usually avoidants just ignore it while anxious team up with others feeling the same way. It's a self-fullfiling prohecy😩😂sad but true.. 🤷
Great video, very good insight for the avoidant partners, I was looking for something like this, thank you kindly ! 🙏
I appreciate this subject. Please continue on with the discussion of Fearful Avoidant
This is the absolute best explanation I have ever heard for explaining avoidant attachment. Thank you so much.
Thanks for tuning in!
Wow! This is the most practical and specific video I've seen on the topic. Real advice and not "you suck, your partner sucks, sign up for my $2k class"
No that's Adam Lane's job...scam artist. $1000 for a phone call, hahaha
@gayleneflower398 How very true! I contacted him him and he writes back "can you afford four figures?" F that.
I am the avoidant in the relationship but I am a woman and this really helped me in perspective regardless of my gender . Thanks !
Me too...avoidant female here! High five sis! 🙌...I'm learning so much on this channel!
same 👋
👻
So much accommodating that isn’t returned
Connor is the real face of true relationship help and advice. Truly good intentions and trying to make this world just a little easier for everyone out there. He is so underappreciated while pretty boy club boy/shaved arm gym bro fakes like Chris Williamson blow up with millions of viewers for providing cheap jokes and redundant convos we've heard a million times to sell books. Keep going, god is gonna continue to reward the real ones like you bud.
Ok you're really scaring me. All points were basically my life and habits...
Just listened to this on the podcast and hit the nail on the head on what I’m currently going thru in my relationship with my wife where I’m the avoidant and she’s the anxious. Looking forward to the follow up on these for solutions. It brought a lot of clarity to the elusive obvious problem we’ve been facing.
This video may have just saved the rest of my life. Thank you.
Glad it hit home and is supporting you. Thanks for tuning in
@@ManTalksIt hit like the hand of God. I am the definition of dismissive avoidant. I knew I suffered from something, but did not know what or why. I'm near the end of a 5 year marriage with a beautiful, high value woman that was all green flags. Some quirks yes, but at the end of the day my avoidant attachment self sabotaged this relationship for the last two years. I've shared the enlightenment, but she is "done". Nice guy, people pleaser verses a very capable, strong willed woman that eventually held all the masculinity. Conflicts were almost non existent. We meshed like fine gears and yet when an occasional disappointment appeared I would withdraw in shame instead of being able to have constructive conversation and lean into what she needed. Analysis paralysis and inaction. I can't repair the broken bond at this point, but I can repair myself and have much easier and fuller relationships moving forward. LIFE will be better overall after understanding how this affects so many aspects of my daily choices and functions. Total gratitude to you sir.
In a 1 month ghosting from an avoidant man, whom I love very much. The signs are all there. We were having a long distance relationship....in the SAME city. Drove me crazy. When we finally did come together it was always enjoyable. I have since moved from anxious to more secure. I miss him.
This is exactly how I feel w m my DA. We live 15 mins away and only see each other like 2-3x/week…
@@nannyboo9832same thing is happening to me, he doesn’t want to have sex or spend any time with me even though lives 30 minutes away, I see him once every month to month and a half . But he keeps tabs on me by texting and calling me.
Unfortunately, we often missed the idea of how someone could be or how the relationship could be and that is more of a fantasy. It’s also part of the fantasy of a narcissist where when you’re with them, they’re really there and present but when you’re not with them, they’re out living their life, the truth hurts and unfortunately can create limmerence for an ideal that was lostl. It’s a façade of what it would be like day and day out can you imagine being in a room where the person basically is shut down or Where they’re doing their thing even when you’re living in the same house or you’re at dinner and they spend more time talking with the waitress than they do you on your birthday it’s so easy to make movies in our minds.
Just clicked play and REALLY looking forward to absorbing this - and sharing it with my avoidant husband. Eventually. And hopefully he doesn’t avoid watching it.
Gosh, I’m a woman thinking I had anxious attachment but quite a few things you’ve said here are resonating that I have more than a few avoidant styles too! Knowing that actually makes me more understanding of my man’s avoidant style and I’m feeling so much compassion for him … I hope we can get to a point where we can watch this together … I ache to meet his need … it’s so hard sometimes to disconnect for his sake, when all I want to do is hold him close and be held close 😢
I started on my healing journey last summer when dating an anxious partner brought out all sorts of avoidance (when in retrospect I realize that I've usually been on the other side of that dynamic). Really woke me up to some stuff, including what it might have been like to be with me as the more anxious partner. Good luck to you!
Hey Connor, I know I’m fearful avoidant and would love to see your Man’s Guide to end that. Much appreciated, and shout out to your awesome work!
Yes please
So proud that you are working on it. That's 80 percent of the work🎉
I love watching your videos and learning about various topics from a balanced male perspective. It’s really refreshing when so many platforms are either demonizing men (or women) and/or are not looking more deeply at relational and personal growth. Thank you!
I’ve never dealt with a DA like I have for the past 1.5 years. It has completely wrecked me. I’ve always been somewhat anxious but this is on another level.
Me too. Our one year Anniversary would have been August 2nd, but he moved the last of his stuff out yesterday.
Healing the inner child within has been so highly beneficial in my healing journey. The mankind project and the weekend transformative journey has brought me to face my shadow aspects. I was faced with all the projections and triggers from my disfunctional family patterns passed on from my parents. Awareness is key to healing, the work starts when you feel safe enough to really feel the grief, anger, rage of the little boy. Highly recommend reading homecoming and healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. After reading these I was brought to tears from the pain my inner boy/ teenager faced growing up. These inter generational wounds are deep in the collective shadow and we are seeing this being played out in the world.
I would really appreciate a fearful avoidant video
Working on it
This is one of the best and most accurate videos on an avoidant man and dealing with them. Even being in a relationship with one, I barely feel like a gf because of the strong boundaries to keep me at arms length.
God bless you for making this video, I always thought I was hopeless in my relationships, Literally holding back tears watching this. I wish I could show this to a couple past partners it could have changed things but moving forward things will improve, please keep making videos you’re doing a great service
Amazing brother, thank you so much for tuning in, and hope you're subscribed to the channel. More to come!
Stay strong and keep learning! You got this!!
Ngl, this is probably the best work I have encountered on avoidant attachment, I am working my way to secure attachment from disorganized attachment and I look forward to that video as well. The way you've addressed the avoidant here makes so much sense to me about my own avoidance especially that bit about not trusting that the connection will be sustained through conflict and that speaking my own mind and expressing my truest feelings will not lead to disconnection or even if it does, there's alway grace for repair. It feels good to be seen. My boyfriend is also avoidant, it's now so evident to me and I want to learn more strategies on how to connect better with him, I love all those helpful tips you've shared especially the scripts on giving choices and having them choose rather than chasing them down with ultimatums. Great video😊
It’s been a while since I came across a TH-cam channel that’s always on time with relevant content.
Avoidants and covert narcissists share many traits, but the key difference is their intent. Covert narcissists aim to hurt you, while avoidants do so unintentionally. However, whether you're with an avoidant or a covert narcissist, the impact on you can be remarkably similar, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Both personalities can lead to emotional turmoil, confusion, and significant challenges to your self-esteem and trust.
Yep. Facts!!! But knowledge is power.
It's like they become a mix of how they were treated and in combination with that the way the conditioned themselves to adapt to it.
So take both entities or characteristics, merge that into one and that is a Dismissive Avoidant.
A person who becomes their caregiver to others and a person who lives in fear of exposing their wounds ,their vulnerability and how they adapted to it.
A negative synergy of both worlds unfortunately.
Yet, naturally with evolution there is a desire for intimacy, closeness and a connection but the duality merged into one creates this person. THE AVOIDANT.
Because they become who they are, I truly feel that the only way they can become secure is through professional help and the WILL to face those core wounds.
Yes, and, sadly, they are the attachment style that is the LEAST likely to seek in-person, face-to-face therapy. Or any other kind of therapy, for that matter. I feel (rather than) think that, in the end, ultimately, they are just not that into the people who are into them.
God i can’t be more thankful to anybody but you Dr
I love your videos and you’re professional way of delivering information am binging on your videos since last night. I am sharing with friends and family. Thanks for making these helpful videos.
it may not be "unhealthy" for the person that's avoidant, but what they end up putting their partner through, isn't just unhealthy, but can be traumatic. so with respect, I'd say their coping mechanism is toxic. they lure someone in, get them, then panic because their getting to close, start telling them selves that they csnt trust anyone, so then they push them away, usually through cheating, or ghosting, and when when the partner finally says I give up, I've had enough, I'm gone, the avoidant then thinks " see I knew they woukd leave" they self sabotage then blame the partner, and take no accountability. that's incredibly toxic.
My husband is an avoidant and shortly after we got married he went from loving to critical and blaming. He stopped being affectionate unless I initiated. Really messed with my mind but eventually I did figure out it wasn't me. He had the problem. We are still married and I have had to focus on my wellbeing and our daughter's. I do also see my role in allowing this relationship dynamic. I would be very cautious before entering into another relationship.
@@melissathomas2314: how are things with your husband now? Are you trying to get counselling? Is the relationship better now, that you know he is avoidant? Have you talk to him about this?
Yes suicide rate is high for partners of avoidants who never learn this info. It is completely traumatic
My husband changed after getting married and I was extremely confused. I had a mental breakdown. My avoidant told my mother that he didn’t care. 🤷🏽♀️
@@LuvableTyraBaby im so sorry. it's really hard the moment you relize that the person you committed your life to, didn't think, feel, or love you the way that they had lead you to believe. it's like you got dropped into a diffrent reality where everything is the opposite of how you remember it being. it causes you to distrust in the person you thought you were, changes how you see yourself, like the identity you thought you had, was fake. it's embarrassing, and heartbreaking. were taught how to love ourselves by how others treat us. if we're abuses we think we're not deserving, if we're ignored we think no one cares, if we're lied to we think we're not good enough, and if we're betrayed we think that it's our fault for believing their lies. it's hard to like the parts of ourselves that keep getting rejected by those we care about.
Insecure attachment patterns that persists throughout adulthood and impacts self or others in ways that inflict suffering are unhealthy. Although as children those patterns are appropriate adaptations to make in response to their environment for survival sake, these adaptations and patterns, created via attachment wounding, correlate with many conditions that require professional attention.
This
You are a legend, thank you so much for your well informed and well spoken tutorial on avoidant attachment. I think if you could get a gold metal for that attachment style I would have it.
Not that I would actually want it but least I can not begin to eradicate this child hood behaviour and add it to the rest of my child hood trauma rap sheet.
Seriously love your work and would love to hear about the anxious attachment as well because I don’t know if it is possible but I may have that as well.
Anyways watched much of your videos and I love them all, keep going because your well seasoned talks are sure guiding the broken men to salvation.
Watched this with my husband. He somehow emerged more arrogant and his key takeaway is that he's superior because he's a "pure avoidant" whereas I'm a lowly, mixed anxious-avoidant (aka disorganized). This is his explanation of why I am always cleaning and organizing.
It sounds like he is gaslighting you
Amazing video. I can't believe this content is free.
Great explanation! I am a fearful avoidant (shifting between anxious and dismissive) and would love to hear your thoughts on causes, relationship dynamics and what to do. Again, thank you very much!
This was really good, thanks!
A very comprehensive description of what it's like to be avoidant, as well as practical techniques to overcome it.
Thanks a lot!
I'm waiting for the one about the FA partner now hehe
Please make a video about fearful avoidants. I listened to your anxious and avoidant but I'm missing the gap with the other one. Please please please!
I was in a relationship with an avoidant anxious attachment partner. It was extremely traumatizing to me. There was a lot of infidelity and gaslighting.
He sent me this video to explain his behavior.
I understand the reasons, but I don’t agree with what is being suggested here. We as kind secure committed safe partners have given everything to the relationship. Are we to walk on eggshells and never ask for any affection, commitment, kindness or understanding in return? We are not allowed to say anything negative or gently ask for our needs? Is this not pandering to poor behavior? And what does a secure partner get out of a relationship with someone who only expects their needs met?
How can that be healthy?
You get nothing. It's a bottomless pit. I see them as energy vampires. Especially the ones that don't do any work internally.
Can't agree more
I feel like he does give actionable things to do to give the other person what they need. So that, you can get to a secure attachment with the other person. It sounds like he did not want to change just justify being the way he is. Sounds like he used you and left. I’m so very sorry.
why are you lashing out at strangers. tell your ex to piss off. no one here asked you to do all that.
@@MariaCaterina2012she isn’t! It’s just your perception, looks like you are avoidant too 😂
There's so much wisdom in this video! Thank you for breaking this down in such a simple and practical way that honours my experience.
It’s crazy how everything he described feels to me as just “being a man”. That’s how I grew up, “trust only in God”. Men call other men “friends” but the fact is that even women will judge the things you say when you’re not performing the role you’re socially expected to. Be vulnerable = get hurt. With my dad, even his hugs did hurt. Maybe it’s a Brazilian (or Latino) culture issue. Maybe not. Maybe it’s about luck. If this doesn’t resonate with you, maybe you can feel very lucky. Be aware of the privileges you got in life. I’m working on myself. Thanks Connor, excellent video, as usual.
How did they hurt? Please explain
@@BlueBlue23 Anyone who thinks that a man can't show affection to his own son, that he has to set a rigid example of virility all the time, can't hug without squeezing, tickle without poking hard, or play with his son without getting angry and humiliating. Limitations of his mentality that I managed not to pass on to my children, when I became aware of it.
@@andreluquini thank you so much
It's exciting to hear you, and listen to you teach from your personal experience. It feels rich and makes me proud of who you are. Your giving so much and not concerned with selling something. I love you. Thankyou.
Fantastic breakdown, Connor. When you have a chance, can you investigate how modern western culture promotes avoidant attachment in men and women.
Daycare is a huge culprit and less mothers staying home. Also less men being willing to be providers/hook up culture disintegration/over medicated society etc
"boys don't cry"
"Man up"
"Don't be such a sissy"
An amazingly detailed and organized lecture that I think will be extremely helpful. Thanks!
Great podcast episode and love the sports analogy 😎
Shutting down for the sake of feeling safe. Independence is where they can self regulate , co-regulation is also necessary in close relationships
Basically whoever is dating an avoidant needs to understand that they will forever be pleasers and care takers of the relationship UNTIL an avoidant miraculously decides to change and by the way you can't tell them to go for therapy. I have been with an avoidant for 5 years this December i Lasted this long YES but i have realised he doesnt want to change, he is comfortable with who he is. Im not anything close that could make him want to change. i wish that i could have left early on cos no amount of speaking a certain way, letting him ghost me and when he comes back act like nothing happened, no amount of holding to communicate if he is not ready bottom line he was not ready or willing to give me what i wanted. If i had left early instead of walking on eggshells nursing and understanding him and totally neglecting ME in the process would have saved me a lot of broken hearts and sleepness nights of tears 😂😂
The issue is that I was prioritising the other person so much that it started to slide to the other person's needs over mine all the time, and they becamr more and more controlling over time to the point I felt like I wasn't important at all.
Sometimes, the avoidantly attached person can't take the focus off themselves long enough for that to happen.
I just recently found out that I am a fearful avoidant and realised how I have never allowed anyone to be closed or have trusted anyone before. I had a two-and-a-half-year relationship that ended eight months ago, she tried to connect in many ways, but I pulled away all the time. Eight months later and a lot of learning about my attachment style I wish I knew about it before. I have never met anyone like her before and I wish I could have made it work for us knowing what I know now. Thank you for sharing.
@conner: Thank you for your straight forward appraoch. I know you speak mainly to men, however, the no nonsense of your talks is what resonates with this avoidant/anxious person and her partner that wishes for her to stop! Now I have the confidence and the skill for a secure, really secure relationship and to move into what my heart really desires.
I love this format Mr Beaton, keep up the great work!
Glad to hear. More on the way
I need this struggled with it alot since childhood.
Wow! You are explaining dismissive avoidance exactly!!!!!
Loved the video, when do you think you’ll post the video for the other type of avoidant attachment?
They'll be dropping in the coming weeks. Working on the anxious which should be out next week
Fantastic information. Thanks so much.
This was super helpful. The last two parts were ❤️🔥❤️🔥
Thank you so much for making and posting this video. It was very thorough and helpful.🙏🏼❤️
Yes, please. Avoidant-fearful attachment style.
If it was just pullback we would still be together. I have learnt how to self regulate. I did the self parenting. I created space, checked myself when I caught myself doing protest behaviours. What I couldn't accept is breaking my trust, breaching agreed boundaries then realising that she tried to manipulate me to blame myself so she can get away with punishment cycles. I broke up with her without looking back and feel relieved. I appreciate that avoidants are scared and hurt, sometimes even oblivious to their protective mechanisms or the consequences. But I am not responsible for another person's healing and won't sacrifice myself for anyone maybe except my son.
Getting "out of it" takes a ton of therapy and inner child work - it's not something someone is going to fix on their own after watching a youtube video. It's good information and introduction for those that are unaware of their attachment style, but the road ahead to repair is long.
Not sure if you've done a Fearful Avoidant video yet but as that's what I have I'd be very interested. Thanks for making these videos.
I think I have disorganized attachment style and I'd really love to watch a vid on it
This was very informative. Thank you!
I feel relationship like chasing each other. Both is unaware of our own behavior. When I don’t trust relationships, men seeking and pursuing for approval, when we give approval, he start to shut up to find his independence life style. Just interesting but the good part of relationship, we learn different perspectives of life and behavior creation 😅
I believe it's invaluable to address substance use/abuse in the conversation about avoidants.
But that happens to some
Avoidants MAKE OHTER PEOPLE ANXIOUS
Isn't that the classic push-pull of the avoidant/anxious trap. We make you feel more anxious and you make us feel more avoidant. Not good for either person.
Funny thing is that other people make avoidants anxious, especially anxious people because their emotions are all over the place and it rubs off on you😂. Covert avoidants will make you chill though. It's a totally different animal lol. We only make you feel anxious if you're passive aggressive or try disturb our peace by talking shxt about people, be humble😉
And anxious make people avoidant
No, without being anxious to start with nothing would shatter a securely attached person’s world into getting anxious. They’d f ex not take the avoidant behavior personally ally and act on it, they’d either leave or be patient.
I know this because I’ve done the journey from anxious to secure and now darting an avoidant I notice the intense changes in me from before
@@MimifromChicagoI was diagnosed mainly secure; I did lean slightly anxious while my partner was diagnosed with an extreme DA and leans FA.
I’m earned healed and he is still extreme DA leaning FA. My partner hid his alcohol addiction; his LO and sexting and pics; ( she wasn’t interested in him of course just attention ) and porn; while also financial betrayals. In my experience; these caused me incredible stress; anxiety that I have never experienced in my life. This man portrayed himself to be someone else and 5 years in I found out a lot by accident. The lies ; and secrets; and some behaviors and traits he didn’t show until almost 3 years in ( After I moved in. )
After a while; our councilor released him as he wasn’t wiling to do the deep hard work. I continued with therapy. Eventually one heals and gets even healthier while the other doesn’t do much and there’s a large gap in growth. Then he scrambles realizing this and I asked him to get back to therapy as I don’t see a future without it. Although I understand this can take years especially for avoidant; He went and he isn’t doing deep work. He is not willing to get healthy unfortunately so I get to choose what is best for me/ us and I’ll be moving on. So in my case; he made me more anxious with betrayal trauma. Our therapist says I’m paying the bill for his childhood trauma and past relationship trauma.
So when there are those on extreme spectrum they absolutely cause someone to be more anxious. I didn’t pursue; I didn’t chase which seemed to trigger his FA side. It is our responsibility to heal with or without their help which I did. He couldn’t do the emotional repair work. He did other things like buying me stuff; ( just bandaid solution ) which is huge for him as he hoarded he resources for many years; and started choosing to spend time with me which was also huge for him as he preferred all his downtime alone. The time spent was not emotionally connected. He avoids any conversation with even slight depth. Stick to weather and dinner talk. He didn’t stop drinking only slowed it to a minimum; and continues to judge others harshly; extremely critical of others ( yet so much of it is projection) and is negative about everything in life and feels like he’s good now and healed and continuing therapy would be a waste. There is absolutely no introspection. Just some changed behaviors which I suspect out of fear.
Thank you for the clear and actionable breakdown of DA. I check every box and my childhood was so stark there’s no mystery to why. I never saw the need or use in emotional connection, seemed like a liability or simply false projections and very sticky. Considered myself exceptionally objective and rational.
Never felt I needed to fix anything as it was very adaptive and I’ve been very successful in life until I met the most stable grounded man who patiently showed up everyday with hope (but no guarantee) that I would stick around.
After 10 years together I’m letting go of my ascetic hermit dream/preference and finally ready to accept love, support and true intimacy.
I’m not sure if this is a warning or sorry of hope for others with strong avoidants. Maybe both. You can’t change other people, they have to want to change. It took me a looooooong time and a lot of childhood reparenting, various therapeutic modalities, etc to get to here.
Fearful avoidance would be a great topic
Incredible podcast ❤
Damn bro this is so on point.
I am neglected in my childhood,beating me is my unforgettable memory ,never seen my mom since im 37 now.my problem is im so empathetic because i dont want other people to experience what id experienced.... but im working on my healing each and every day ..
Yes please make a video on fearful avoidant
Always great videos, i am hopeing, my avoidant comes back, so i can do things different for hem,, now that i no and understand whats going on
How about a person with an avoidant attachment style that is dealing with an addiction? Would you say that in that case the avoidant might be avoiding because of shame and that the shame needs to be dealt with first?
Most avoidants are dealing with addiction. And yes they are dealing with toxic shame. They are in a lot of pain. The addiction is an attempt to find relief from the pain, as well as yet another way they are trying to escape.
Great video, thank you so so much
Thank you so much for this video. My husband is avoidant. What I'm finding very interesting is that when you described causality, every single one of the causes were present in my own childhood. I lean towards anxious-secure. I wonder why I didn't turn out avoidant?
Although I can try to empathize with an avoidant, when interacting with them in a romantic relationship dynamic, the other person on the other end is giving all of the power and leewayto the avoidant. Everything is on the avoidants terms. It’s like trying to convince an abused toddler to feel safe enough to come out of the corner or trying to convince a scared child or scared animal to come from underneath the table. And if you’re a woman dealing with an avoidant man, it’s kind of a turn off to be completely honest. Because these types of men are not capable of leading a relationship if they are afraid of intimacy. And my opinion is that it’s just best to have these people as friends, but I don’t believe that they are good choices in a romantic relationship dynamic. Just my opinion based on experience. Just don’t try to be in a romantic adult relationship with an avoidant. Friends only….
Sure, but can we try to have a chance? ☺️ It's already a first step searching about it and getting more info, so we can also do something about it. I think counceling is a second step. It's not fun to be an avoidant, but we sure can lead in many things.
I'm a fearful Avoidant and I could not have blown up my Avoidant any more than I did and I've regretted ever since 😢
This is so poignant, well articulated and speaks directly to me. At 52 I wish I was aware if this 30 years ago. After a fails marriage/relationship of 20 years and now a failed 3 year experiencing actual love this video hits home on so many points it’s chilling.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge and helping us!
This was really helpful ❤
I can relate to a lot of this
I am a fearful avoidant drawn to avoidants, how do you guys even find a partner in this state?😅yet if I manage to do so this video seems helpful in terms of communicating with avoidants and explaining people how to behave with me when I am in my avoidant state. I am extremely avoidant with my mom, esp after I understood she may be the main person making me an avoidant in the first place. I think it would be helpful if instead of ultimatums, criticism, ostracism, giving orders she would talk to me in this 'choice' manner. It would make me sooooo much relaxed, I would be happy to talk and share then.
Not a man, very much a woman, but I just hit subscribed😂
It's not just about the avoidant partner-consider whether you want their traits passed down to your children, which research suggests is highly likely. The real question is: are you prepared to risk that? Parents have an ethical duty to create a healthy environment for their kids. If your avoidant partner resists change and refuses to work on becoming secure, it sets the stage for an unhealthy dynamic for both you and your children.
A damaging tactic used by avoidants is their tendency to nitpick and find flaws in their partners. They fixate on the negatives, often blowing tiny issues out of proportion, and that's all they remember. This constant flaw-finding makes them view others in a consistently negative light, which can be incredibly draining and toxic for those on the receiving end.
Finally, I disagree with the notion that men are more likely to be avoidants. Research actually shows that the distribution of avoidant attachment is quite similar between genders. Claiming otherwise is a stereotypical statement that doesn't reflect the reality of attachment styles.
Great content!
Very well explained
Is codependency the same as anxious and avoidant relationship
Please can you do a video on fearful avoidant both who leans anxious and dismissive?
23:55 It all started when I had to balance my first check book at 6 years old 😂
When someone starts pulling away, while you are emotionally available it is draining. At the same time they also see you as the problem then how is it possible to not personalise it?
Could you do one of these for men dealing with an anxious avoidant spouse?
You bet. It’s on the list
@@ManTalks Can you make one for man Who are anxious attachment?
@@MaurerBarros Absolutely. Also on the list!
I hear a lot about the wounds stemming from childhood, is it possible to have learned these coping mechanisms in adult relationship? In my case, I could see the latter more clearly than the former… but definitely will look harder.
Thank you 🙏
This is amazing
41:19 I've lost control of my mind, my body, and my spiritual connection
All this. But its sooooo exhausting. Because we can try to plan & theyll say it sounds good but come time- theyll disappear.
And how do you not criticize? They do it. Why cant we? I forget whats working. I forget.
Can you do a guide on how two avoidants can be in a relationship?
Can you do a video on co parenting with an ex husband who is avoidant? That is one topic that is concerning for me as we raise our daughter together. Thank you !
Yes!! More Fearful Avoidant healing ideas beyond somatics breathwork. How to communicate need for non sexual safety and managing initial dating with more anxious types that ‘feel’ desperate. I’m a woman.. 💃
REAL ADVICE on this channel - not just a teaser and .... "buy my program". Subscribed! -- You will get millions of subs if you keep this up!