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Wow, incredible. Thank you for your wise words!❤

Buddy you’re sooooooo spot on!! Best person on TH-cam on the subject!!!! Getting over a long term relationship and this helps tremendously

This is so helpful. I've been insanely in love with a woman who pulls away from me whenever we get close. I've finally found it helpful to see this relationship with your insight.

I haven't met a DA who has actual charisma or self-control. My DA ex is a basket case, always fearful/anxious - nervous, lashing out when stressed - and she was ALWAYS stressed.

Oh please do and call out these POS coaches that spread false information about getting an ex back. The money grab of it all is embarrassing! Also the techniques of people who have to contort themselves like they are employed by Cirque de Solei to handle with care getting this emotionally immature exes is aggravating! I'm 3 weeks outs of dealing with a DA and I am trying to heal and give myself grace for giving the best of me to be discarded and disrespected due to their lack of healthy communication skills. Why would I want to have that back!

Yes please do the ex back coach smackdown

42:45 - "what are you gonna do, go mute?" That's pretty much where I ended up with my avoidant person. And not only did it crush my sense of self-esteem (feeling like anything I had to say was of no interest and just a burden to them) but it didn't improve the relationship one bit.

Ken, Have u read about DMM model and latest research in Attachment Style and do u already integerate all that in your work?

I realized mine wasn’t going to fight for me when he told me after a year together that he now has urges to be with men. I accepted that graciously I was glad he was being honest with himself and with me about it, but made me question if our relationship/ his feelings for me were even real.

I suspect this lady may have been somewhat embarrassed of integrating him into all of her social activities as a couple. There is also her being reluctant to be a step mother.

Thank you ❤

I get what u mean about coaches. Do ur thing

We used to always message each other in the morning, wishing each other a nice day. As an AP this was so nice. Towards the end of the relationship with my DA, this, of course, completely stopped to the point I wouldn't hear from them all day. When I brought this up, they completely denied we ever did that, and messaging just wasn't important to them.. Well, it always was for me. It's hard to see signs that are not there 😕

I got a letter waiting for u my dude.

Take care of yourself, Ken. Thank you again for another amazing analysis. I especially appreciate the comments regarding ex back coaches and content. I share your perspective. ❤️

My ex ask me when we broke up about the relationship that “do you think this is going to last forever?” Is he avoidants? He said that we have a different thought that the reason why we broke up.

Bravo again, Ken! ♥️

Been together for 20 years she’s been telling me encouraging me to do books love languages seven hours we’ve been doing good, but I haven’t been really full attention to what’s going on with her. Didn’t know she was dismissive avoid it until recently. She pulled back and now talking to other people wanted to marriage 20 yearsfor her to open up to express how she feels I don’t know what to do. We’re about to get divorced.

Yep. My avoidant seemed 110% in and even planned possible dates in the future. I met her friends and mom one day and she just kinda seemed distant and wouldn’t open up to me about a family member passing. I asked to be official, she said yes. She went on a trip for a week and we didn’t talk much and when she got back she told me we couldn’t do this. Just said we rushed into it and we both had more maturing to do. Only 3 weeks but they seemed perfect.

I attempted suicide because of rejection. Theres so much apathy towards a lot of gay men. Especially us older men

Fakebook is horrible, causes depression and mental stress. Bars are not a place to meet another man especially if you are over 55 like me.

Ken, are you planning on furthering your studies in attachment?

this is exactly how me and my FA of 1 year ex broke up 4 weeks ago. biggest mind f*ck ever. worst is she was my first gf

8:50 12:22 powerful statements there describing the end of my relationship with an FA.

This channel and your insight is such a goldmine! Sometimes your insights slip into conversations and it makes me feel like the smartest person in the room! You are officially on my binge worthy list!

How do I send you a letter Ken?

100% you are constantly walking on eggs shells thinking if you say too much or aren’t perfect they will bolt and discard you

I can relate too well to this, unfortunately. Great analysis. Thanks Ken

100% Heal, heal, heal first - then IF they do come back, you're in your best heart space to make a clear decision.

Thank you ❤

This was well-balanced Ken. Very often an avoidant does feel very deeply, and is able to see and feel much more deeply than other people, so it can be totally true that the connection you have had with them was completely real, but they simply cannot 'stay' in the fire for too long, because it burns them too much. They have to escape and shut down, so you get this maddening feeling of someone drifting in and out of a shared paradise, before their demons rise up, and claim them, forcing them back into hiding, the only place they know. Truly heart-breaking.

My ex did this to me, but worse. We were together for a year. Travelled in 3 countries together, flew to his native country for New Year, stayed with his parents, had dinners with the families of his siblings. Met each other's friends. We did more during that 1 year than most people do in 10. He also started to withdraw sexually at some point, and claimed it's just age (he was 40), stopped initiating. I thought it was because of work stress because he had a lot going on in that area of his life. He was also very prone to stress in general. But we still talked every single day, said "I love you" etc. He'd finish every phone call with "goodnight, my love". He was always very good to me, kept his word, was generous, had a great sense of humour, etc. Then one day he suddenly blew up at me over text about something trivial. I didn't know what to make of it, never saw that behaviour before. He didn't call me that night (first time ever), and the next day discarded me during a short phone call. I was shellshocked. He NEVER mentioned any issues before. Sounded like a completely different person, cold and distant. I can't even describe how shocked I was. Wtf happened to my person? He gave some bullshit reasons that just didn't make sense. It's been over 3 months and I'm still in shock. How can you just discard your closest person like that, without even showing your face, and be OK with going from daily interaction for a whole year to complete no contact, in a split second? I felt worse than garbage, because even garbage people take out in person. He'd told me about his history of dumpster fire relationships, but his view of events was that he was always treated badly by his exes, at least in the end. He was always the victim of some highly toxic and even abusive behaviour. I believed everything and thought he was just very unlucky before. I'm now seriously wondering if I've also become part of that story that he's now telling to somebody else and looking for sympathy...

This channel is excellent for personal development. Ken is a voice of sanity and wisdom! ♥️

Some of the best content on all of social media! I absolutely love and look forward to listening to everything you share. Thank you Ken for giving all of us exactly what we need.

Over the last 5 years ive been dumped almost every month. I am totally exhausted and a shadow of my former self.

Ken thank you for the video. How do you heal the feeling of being alone? I have attempted through deep presence, processing all my emotions, spirituality, and meeting my needs directly or attempting with people that are healthier. Although they still don't feel like my 'tribe',( More or less just using what I have and giving love) I know there's not a shortage of good people in this world.. But It has been challenging finding people who can truly hold that space or give a danm. I don't blame them but rather how the dysfunction of our society operates. So how do you do it? Thank you in advance 😊

Do you accept letters from North America?

Morning great info,just discovered your channel. Avoidants in my experience are not to be poked with. They are very simular to a narc in the end it will only lead to snot and tears. The focus is on the healing the self. Often Anxious types get entangled cause we dont focus on our own lives, and dont know how to focus on ourselves. Avoidants dont change they pretend. Be glad you escaped with your heart and mind semi in tact cause you are susceptible to abusers. Forget them heal daily.

❤❤

I feel I may write a letter, if anything, for my own benefit of writing it out.

She was asking Why was her DA ok with her thinking that he had cheated when he actually had not. Why are they ok with leaving you confused… I’d love the answer too!

I've been through most of the stories you've read and it's quite striking how similar they are in terms of patterns, excuses and outcome, also to my own most recent story with DA ex. They are quite predictable, aren't they? The circumstances might be different, and the relationship/situationship might take anywhere between months and many years, but it's always sooo similar. How it started, how we felt that we had finally found someone who really saw us, that the connection was great, and then the trigger, stonewalling, abrupt breakup, sometimes ghosting. Red flags that we chose to ignore. Oh, and the pain. The pain of a breakup that happened when you thought everything was just great and the relationship seemed as strong as ever, the pain of blaming ourselves that we must have done something wrong, the pain of questioning if it was real. Thank you! I discovered your channel 7 months after the breakup and finally understood what happened. I no longer blame myself for how difficult it was to process. Now, I can move on.

After almost 5 years , my ex gave me the same “needs to work on themselves talk” but in reality they had been cheating with someone else for months.

Ken - you are a breath of fresh air, a voice of clarity in the dark. You have helped me so much in healing from a heartbreaking relationship - thank you ❤ from the Republic of Ireland 🇮🇪

holy shit 28:10 is literally identical to my situation..21 years 3 kids and out of the blue we get in an arguement and she ends it and doesnt seem like even trying to fix it but i am still living in the house shes allowing me till i get on my feet and wants to stay friends for the kids etc....she has been cold and "avoidant" like she doesnt even see me walk by or say hi in the same fucking house except when she feels like it sometimes overly firendly..its fucking crazy. hot and cold and i never know when only she decides when she wants to be normal and nice...its fucking with my head, i feel like im going insane.,

Phenomenal work, Ken. As someone who has suffered emotionally significantly at the inept hands of a very wounded, extremely avoidantly (fearful and dismissive) attached woman who I have loved very much since inception, and of whom appears to love me very much as well (the best they can maybe, maybe not), I am amazed at how accurate ALL of your content has been on the subject and how illuminating your analysis and background as a great therapist is in terms of wholistic strategy and cohesive analysis. Eternally grateful, and metaphysically indebted....

Thank you Counselor

My avoidant ex could only hold eye contact talking about superficial things. During sex despite being almost possessed by it (dopamine hit) she couldn't hold eye contact for more than 1 sec.

I found that the guy I dated presented as an intellectual. He was very well-read and seemed to put on more of a facade when triggered.

I literally couldn’t eat and sleep, and took days off work while in a relationship with a DA person due to constant silent treatment, snowballing and disappearances. I attempted several breakups but for some reason couldn’t let them go. I was abruptly broken up with over Messenger and blocked me after an argument about wanting to talk and not dismissing the conversation. Sometimes I would cry but this time I got angry and said things that made them shut down the relationship. While sad, I can eat and sleep again! I’m kind of in a confused state about how I feel but my body is certainly healthier now.