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Therapist Shares 7 Defense Mechanisms that can Ruin Relationships!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ส.ค. 2024
- What's Anya Mind this week?
For many of my clients, this time in isolation has made them more introspective about feelings of loneliness and sometimes abandonment. Whenever our relationships pan out differently than we hoped, there's always a part of us that questions, "Could I have done something differently that would've made things better?" Often, we protect ourselves and hearts at all costs, and sometimes the cost is our dream relationship, job, etc. The question becomes "How can I better see when I'm on the defense to prevent myself from self-sabotaging?" In today's video, I'll discuss the top defense mechanisms I see getting in the way of my clients, friends, family, and even my own happiness. Which one applies the most to you?
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Dissociation is when the nervous system is so overwhelmed it can't take any more stres. When you are nearing the root of a cause of relationship issues, the "stress" on the nervous system is increased phenomenally when the psyche is not ready to deal with it. Its all trauma based and not an intentional thing. The other day, i was doing an activity i live, planting trees, and i found that id gone into a full zone out for a good time, in my imagination, almost no awareness of my surroundings, and that was in a normal-ish situation 🤣 i just want people to know that dissociation is not intentionally done.
I appreciate this a LOT
Disassociation and being in the zone , or in flow are different things
I thought everybody did that lol
as much as I agree with your statement I believe that the measurement of how much stress the "nervous system" can take or how much stress the system is used to are two different things and making the wrong conclusions could be quite limiting to ones abilities. after all stress is not a normal continuity in a day to day life at least it shouldn't be
💯💯
So mind blown. I definitely split. I've never realized it was a defense mechanisms. I've been told that I have a strong right and wrong and leave no room for grey. I always thought about it as having strong morals. But listing to what you said, about jobs and friends, and I'm sitting here like oh crap, yea that's me. It has been problematic at times. Another thing I know I do is disassociation.
My wife says the same to me! There’s no grey with me and also that I joke to much!
And then I try and make her laugh 😏
Oh crap thats me…. Yep been there. But self awareness can be a powerful thing👍
It’s admirable that you can be so honest and open about what you struggle with, this shows me you’re on the path to personal growth and healing. Kudos to you! I used to also do a lot of splitting. I’m currently working with a therapist and she’s helping me see a lot more gray. It’s blessed my life.
You know what? I’m so glad that there are Therapist like you! Your videos and expertise are so life changing and I really mean it! ❤
You’re the best! ♥️
Just got in an "out of nowhere" really emotionally intense argument and this video helped me contexualise and look back at the situation with fresh eyes.
splitting for sure. i want a relationship, but i always break up with people within the first few months because it feels wrong. i used to be a really clingy person but now i self-isolate more than anything, and i can't quite identify why. single or not, i'm literally addicted to your videos i love your essence
Ive only watched about three videos of yours and I am shocked you arent even more popular! You lay everything out so well in a way anyone can understand and give much better advice than Ive seen from other therapy channels. You give such realistic examples of what we can do to react better to situations as opposed to feeding people lines that no one would ever say organically. Thank you!
I was just thinking the EXACT same thing! Thank you for putting into words what I was thinking!
I second this as well!
I'm an habitual " Splitter". When you defined this, I immediately was like 'Oh my goodness'.
Me, three!!
Here from your GQ video. Love your videos! Am bingeing your channel with my wife :D
my ex has serious displacement issues and just know: if they keep this up and don't try to work on it, you can leave. You are taking care of yourself, you matter and need to keep yourself safe :)
Same here! My mental health and peace is at an all time high 🙌🏽
I love that you start with the adaptive forms of each of these defense mechanisms before exploring the maladaptive forms. Often these are only discussed in terms of the negative roles they play, especially in the past decade as it has become the norm to use clinical terms as common parlance. While it's wonderful that these concepts are being regularly discussed, the nuance can can get easily lost. The full understanding is so helpful as we strive to understand each other better. Thank you for putting this out there.
I needed this. I started my growth journey end of last year going in to this year. Through my process, I realized I do ALOT of this!! Thank you for explaining all of this and how to overcome!
Self-awareness is honestly a majority of self-growth from my point of view. Thank you for sharing that, London! ♥️
My partner and I are at the breaking point in our relationship. I watch your videos to gain insight and I find them very helpful but it’s difficult when your partner isn’t partaking as often as I am. I really wish we could have you as a therapist. He responds positively to your videos and content. I’m just looking for any type of help. We both want this relationship to work…we just don’t know what to do. I saw on your website that you’re not taking any new clients. I’ll just put it into the universe that it’ll happen one day 🙏🏾 thank you for such wonderful content.
here because i was a dick to my ex. and recently i went too far and ik it was bc ive been going through a lot and we were so close that it would really only come out with her simply bc i was usually with her and felt most comfortable expressing my negative feelings with her. displacement, sublimation, and projection were big for me. now im starting journaling, therapy, and researching self help books and videos like this to try to be better. thanks and god bless
I disassociate a lot. I can see how it can be damaging for sure. It’s like I do it now to avoid having intense emotions. I guess I do it because there has been time when I expressed emotions and got nowhere at all. So now I don’t. It’s like shutting down.
I’m working on it.
Thanks for this video.
Completely understand what you mean and I’m the same way
With everything as crazy as it is right now, you are a relationship SAVER! Thank you so much for your videos. Not everyone can afford a therapist and it’s exactly what many of us need right now! You are a beautiful couple and love watching you together.
Repression, Dissociation, and Sublimation are my gotos these days. Did some of the others when I was younger, then I discovered them to be destructive and toxic so I worked on reprogramming them out.
I like the way you speak Steph, no over explaining just straightforward-no-drama talk
Splitting is the most defense mechanism I've dealt with. Great info !
I am certainly a splitter, though I do generally try to address the actions I see as violations or unprincipled ...what will cause me to sever the relationship is how the person responds to my attempt at bringing the issue forward to resolve it. I'm at the stage where having relationships that aren't too deep probably works best for me...where we aren't too close, I don't generally hold them to certain standards and it's less likely for issues to arise. So I socialize with a lot of ppl and avoid closeness. I guess being an only child contributes to it as well.
I know you didn’t write this for me but whew I feel seen!
This really helped me in my relationship with a good friend. I can’t tell you how much these videos change my life 😭
That warms my heart. I am so glad that you’ve found them helpful ♥️
So glad I found your videos. They have helped me a LOT....
That make me so happy ♥️
Defence machanism: unconscious psychological strategies that protect a person from anxiety due to unacceptable thoughts or feelings.
Most common defence mechanisms:
1. Displacement
2. Dissociation
3. Projection
4. Splitting
5. Repression
6. Denial
7. Sublimation
I really needed this information right now. I noticed I have been so defensive lately with my partner, I guess I do a lot more disassociation. Great insights, I liked the way you broke it down with examples. So relatable, Thank you.😘
I’m glad you found it helpful! As always, please let me know any other topics that would be helpful for you. ♥️
Mines are Displacement and splitting. Amazing video !!
I’m working on displacement too. Thank you for sharing! And thank you for watching ♥️
Have done all of these at different points in my life for sure
Hello from Kazakhstan, I'm really happy I found your channel thanks to GQ. Very helpful, please do not stop :)
Sublimation is one I haven’t heard and the reasoning makes sense 😢
I love that you explain both sides of all these issues, how sometimes they can be healthy/protective and sometimes they can be overdone and detrimental, and what both of those things look like. This is really clarifying. Thanks!
Glad you covered this topic. Keep up the great content!
Thanks so much!
I'm pretty sure at some point or another I've used all of these mechanisms... Of course in the negative way. I never learned how to adequately deal with hard stressful situations and now I'm having to train myself. Therapy helps a lot.
You are absolutely brilliant!
My therapist asked me to elaborate why I wrote "I am a hot mess" in my file. I should send him this video, lmao. 🤣
😂
I wish you had drawn a chart to teach old folk like me. Appreciate your teaching anyway!
You are amazing be encouraged
Thank you 🙏🏽
I'm training as counsellor in England, very helpful
Being a child abuse survivor repression has always been my defense mechanism until after I went through a narcissistic relationship and now i heavily depend on splitting 😩
DITTO!
Steph, oh my God! I've just recently started learning about relationships and the psychology of them and I just split like five people. I didn't know there was even a term for this. I was with two of my friends, having a good time, and one of them made a rude comment about me being a "gifted kid" which is something I'm insecure about, and suddenly they're toxic and I just completely shut them out. I don't know what to do.
Reach out, tell them how you’re struggling, even if it’s not the details. Send them this video… hope ur ok
Did they say it with mal intent? Did it trigger an insecurity of theirs and they felt like they had to you down? Or did you get offended because your own personal insecurity? I would say try to find the truth first before and ask what they meant. Be honest and let them know how you felt. And base on their response determine if they're worthy to be your friends.
Ma’am ! You’re speaking to me vividly and I instantly subscribed!
My defensive mechanisms are displacement, dissociation, and sublimation.
The defense mechanisms I have experienced are projection and denial.
Thank you so much for these videos.
I have learned so much.
You are so young and yet very wise. I want to learn more from you. Have a great and blessed day!
When you brought up splitting, I felt sooooo attacked Hahah please talk more about ways to cope or handle these things
Been watching a few of your videos and you seem like such an ideal therapist. Going into the negative aspects of these actions without at all giving judgement or blame. You seem so easy to talk to
I've never had a therapist this knowledgeable about my issues. She truly would be an ideal therapist for me.
Ok this video really makes you have to face the person in the mirror lol! Thanks for helping define these emotions because sometimes it just feels overwhelming and you can't really explain what it is that is the issue because you don't know it yourself! I personally know that I do splitting (never knew it was called that!) and repression. Also, LOVE your top! Do you happen to remember where you got it from lol !
Thanks for sharing! I tend to displace! Yes, I got it from SHEIN. Thank you!
Sublimation! I had a career change at the same time as my marriage ended. I told myself I am going to build a great next chapter in my life. I did! However, I still feel anxious and not satisfied. People around me are confused and say that I should feel happy, look what I have! I really appreciated your commentary on sublimation because I did know that other people could be high achievers and still feel sad over a long period.
Hi Steph Anya! I didn't realize there were so many defense mechanisms. Once again I learned something new watching your video. Can't wait until next Monday 😊
So glad that you’re learning something! Really appreciate your kind words ♥️
Thank you for this channel. I learned a lot of the content and it is broken in a simple manner. Super grateful!
Great info. Never heard of splitting. Very interesting.
Wow this had me facing very hard truths! Thank you…this is like my 3rd video of yours today! You break everything down so well, thanks again!❤️
Grad Student Here! I am binge watching all of your videos haha 😄
My defense mechanism is definitely sublimation I really identify with everything you said about that defense mechanism. I also did relate to dissociation to quite a degree but that’s definitely the secondary defense mechanism. This video was really helpful cause I’m trying to work on myself so it’s definitely good to know what needs working on.
This is great and I referenced this video for one of my psych class assignments. Thanks! 💖
Love meeting a fellow Stephanie! Fingers crossed for your assignment 🤞🏽
I'm guilty of "splitting" defense mechanism. I am working on it
I need more content im going through all videos. I think you do a great job at breakdowns they have been so helpful.
Can you delve further into how to deal with people that have these defense mechanisms? I really liked the strategy you gave for handling someone with denial
I’d love this too - Especially dealing with someone that shuts down at the hint of uncomfortable conversations.
@@nooperspism Yes, it feels so impossible in situations like that. We have issues, so I'd like to address them. But it makes him uncomfortable and he runs away (either by leaving the room or just going away in his head so he's physically present but not really "there" or by saying things to hurt my feelings so that I withdraw and leave him alone), so he'd prefer to just sweep it under the rug - forever!
And with one topic, okay, that kind of works. I don't like conflict either, and let's just let it go, take the high road, assume good intentions, etc. But we're into our second decade of marriage now and pretty much everything is under the rug at this point! We can talk about the weather and about the kids... That's it.
And if I bring anything up, he sincerely thinks it's me just trying to start a fight for no reason because everything is fine! Dude, it's not fine, we can barely speak to each other! He doesn't see that as a problem.
@@er6730 I’m still looking for an answer to how to deal with avoidant people. Lol. At the very least, I have learned that this can be a nervous system reaction related to fight or flight. It can also be triggered by trauma/anxiety. When I say trauma, I don’t just mean history of abuse but rather trauma can include emotional distress in someone’s life history. They maybe didn’t learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations from adult role models. I lean towards being open, honest and vulnerable so a closed off person is super difficult for me to deal with. I read somewhere that it’s good to let a person who is avoidant with a high nervous system response to calm down before trying to have a discussion, but then when is a good time to reconvene if they avoid you like the plague?! It’s tough. I hope you’re able to break through with your husband. That’s a long time to not speak directly about issues.
This video is sooo informative! It really made me self reflect a lot and made me realize how defensive I can get. I wish more people knew this information, it could improve the way people interact.
I'm just gonna go thank the person who shared this video with me.. I feel so blessed to have watched it!! Thank you.
I am so happy I found you!
🥹
So glad I found your channel ! 👏🙌 thank you for all the useful information. 😌
You're so welcome! Glad to you have you here!
I don't know if this is a defense mechanism, and I don't know why I do it, but if I try a lot to make someone happy and I give a lot and still that person talks sh*t behind my back or say to me that they can't stand me for a specific reason, I'd multiply whatever they hate about me just to make them angry. For example, if someone talks badly about me for the way I spend my money, I'd lie about how badly I spend my money in fron of them just to trigger them, as if it was like "So I was nice to you and still you have the audacity to betray me? Now I'll give you a REAL reason to hate me". Really toxic, I know....
I just wanna say thank you for doing what you do! This video has opened my eyes wide!
I do splitting a lot but I think it’s helpful weed out the dead weight
The defense mechanism I'm most familiar with is disassociation and I don't know why. I feel like it's out of my control. Next - splitting. I can't tell you how many times I've applied for jobs just because I was upset about something at my current job. I'm trying to curb that behavior and focus more on finding solutions where I'm at.
First time watching Dr. S. I’m subscribing.
Mine are Displacement, Sublimation and Repression. But thankfully I'm on the path to changing these!
I’m glad that you’re already working on it!
Overachiever. I always seem to need to prove myself because I’ve been gaslit in the past
You are very informative and I thank you for your zeal in helping people with their issues. Keep doing what you are doing.
This just cleared up ALOTTT OF THINGS!!! Thanks girl!
Thank you for this video; I found it very helpful.
This video was really good! I love you we’re able to give terminology to help me sort out triggers and the ways I respond to them. It’s so helpful 💕
I think the defense mechanism I use most often and even the victim of the most is projection both adaptive & maladaptive.
I’m glad you found it helpful! Yeah projection is such a tricky one to recognize because it simply feels like a fact instead of your perspective or opinion since it’s so true for you. Thank you for sharing that! ♥️
Agreed !🤍
Content is incredible! Please keep em comin!
Thank you!
Great video Steph! Stay blessed!🙏🏽
I think number 2 applies to me lol I'll work on that. Great video!
Thanks for sharing that!
I appreciate your advice
Wow! I learned soo much.Thank you
Your videos are sooo helpful! Thank you so much. !
I struggle with dissociation, as a Pisces and empath, I find it very difficult to have conversations when I'm in very emotional state, my character had been attacked, or I'm attempting to understand and make sense of an emotion or trigger and my counterpart/ S.O wants to have a conservation right then and there. It's very overwhelming when you feel like you don't have a safe space to compile your thoughts and emotions before vocalizing them, before being accused of running away from problems, or not having the mental dexterity to deal with things in a mature "adult" like manner
your advice has been so helpful on how to build intimacy and how to communicate effectively. i would love to hear your advice on tips for couples that are going through trust issues after emotional infidelity. please and thank you!!
Love the way you properly explain things this small part actually provides so much input for a lot of people
I just discovered you ❤️ absolutely love this video as a Psychology graduate and someone who’s acknowledged issues concerning my defence mechanics and working on them on my own. Looking forward to more of your content 🙌🏾 thank you for sharing your work and passion 👑 with love from South Africa 🇿🇦 🙏🏾❣️
I learn so much from this channel... thank you so much 😊❤
Thank you for watching! ♥️
@@StephAnya ❤❤❤
First, let me say THANK YOU for the way you explain everything in these videos. I do battle with each one of these and my partner was trying to get me to listen to these videos but I was stuck in my ways and right now, we aren't speaking because of my ways. After watching these videos I know I need serious help I think I lost my relationship because of some of the decisions I made. I honestly would like to have it back but I don't know if it can be fixed.
I have BPD and like 3 of these are signs of bpd 💀 ik it’s not an excuse to do these but it does happen during episodes especially splitting and disassociation. I tell people I’m close with or before I get in a relationship that I suffer from bpd so they don’t get shocked when these happen but I still try to control it and I always apologize after
Im young and been in a relationship with someone for 2 years, I’ve just realized I have bpd which I believe caused many arguments but I now see I would also dissociate for no reason to the point where I now feel like I don’t know my partner as well as I should because I haven’t paid attention to them. Do you have any coping skills for bpd?
Splitting resonates most with me.
So glad I came across this video, definitely very helpful! Thank you 🙏🏾 ❤️
It was after a piano session with my teacher that had been very stressful and afterward, my teacher began explaining even more complicated concepts and ideas I hadn't thought about yet and I intensely struggled not to disassociate because I wanted to be respectful and take in everything she was telling me but it was very overwhelming and I eventually disassociated so I could at the least comprehend and remember something because my head hurt so bad from all of the thinking. *side note during the lesson I had a flashback to a trauma I had when I was younger which didn't help the situation.
Great video. I wish you limitless success.
I feel I do all of these
Your videos are so helpful!!!I learn things about myself.I second the request for how to deal with people who use these defense mechanisms.
This is excellent. Thank you
The leaving part from my X
I must say splitting has been my go to
You're great girly at your job! I'm learning soooo much!
I’m so glad!! Thank you!
2024, hallo from 🇰🇪 Kenya, min 4:58 ,Diasociation is at the moment.
Used to do alot of displacement defense mechanism.
Please do this for family relationships, because all this applies to harmful family relationships...I know many people who have a hard time translating important information because of phrasing or titles: like this is good to use in a romantic relationship but they just cannot see how it would apply to any other relationships
Excellent video, thank you for sharing your knowledge. Much respect from Belgium
This was so awesome thank you
excellent information, keep us informed!
This was so informative. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us. Currently on a Self healing journey.
Subscribed! This video was so enlightening. Thank you
This is very helpful!! Thank you!
I definitely have done Splitting alot