When i say "leave me alone" i make sure to say "leave me alone for just a minute please, i need a second. I love you" it keeps my fiance calm, reassured, but lets him know im overstimulated and im losing control of my emotions and i dont want to hurt him. He does the same with me. We both like this dynamic because its straight forward but still affectionate
It has taken me around eight years, but my fiance and I have finally gotten here, as well. I'm neurodivergent, and I hid it from him pretty much completely. The person I was most comfortable with, I still wore a "mask." On autopilot, going through the motions, not truly LIVING. Sending good vibes. ❤️
@@andreaerdely1736 this is exactly how i was, my fiance was the first person i truly lost my mask with and its so amazing to have someone who truly loves me without my mask. good vibes to you too
I hate when people say “I’m breaking up with you” or “I’ll leave you” as a joke. Even saying something like that as a passive joke (at least to me) is really damaging for my trust and it makes me wonder if they’ve been thinking about it. It just makes me cringe when I see people do that
My wife has joked about leaving me and taking our son if I ever do her wrong, and it just feels like an emotional attack. I don't even know how it's supposed to be funny. I guess it's supposed to be some way of her belittling herself and saying "I'm so cray that ___", but it just causes me so much anger because it feels like she's empowering herself and blackmailing me at the same time.
@@kysono I’m sorry you’ve dealt with that! Have you sat her down to talk to her about it calmly? It really isn’t funny because it just puts that little seed in the back of your mind and it can definitely fester and create anxiety for you.
It definitely depends on the situation. I've only ever used it as a joke when it's a really REALLY silly thing. Like...you don't like pineapple...we can't be friends any more. But if there is any level of seriousness (or the topic in question has any level of seriousness or background) it can definitely sow the seeds of doubt.
@@cherylcorbett5829 I haven't talked to her about that specifically, but we're doing a lot of talking about all sorts of sensitive topics, so there's progress being made in other areas. Thanks for the advice.
The phrase “I’m tired…” When I hear that it makes me feel like they’re giving up or gave up and aren’t up for putting in the work for the relationship. “I’m tired of this” “I’m tired of you not…” “I’m tired of repeating myself” etc. If you’re in fact tired and wanting to end the relationship then let’s sit down and have that talk. But if you say that whenever you get angry and especially to someone who has abandonment issues it can make them feel like they lost you already.
Yeah they make small talks that arent so serious throughout the time then out if nowhere wanna say those things. Thats really bad. You have to sit down and talk to them. Tell them exactly what bothers you and why does it bother you then can say i would really appreciate it if you can work with me etc. "Im tired" gives the sense of "i keep communicating that this bothers me and you dont care" at this point ill give an ultimatum because i wont deal with it no longer but thats me. Ill have 1 final talk and be like "listen i have told you multiple times that this reslly bothers me and since the times we spoke i havent seen you make an effort to show that you listened and care and now im tired of dealing with this issue and i cant deal with it anymore so now either you work with me and lets get through this together or im done" you show the person in my opinion that im very serious Nd im not tolerating anything that bithers me so if you cant compromise with me then you not the one for me
i try to say “this conversation is exhausting me because we keep bringing up points that don’t matter” and then try to reroute and focus on the problem that started the disagreement and remind him that we have to work together and not against eachother
Kinda embarrassed as a MFT student, I use way too many of these in my relationship. But I catch myself (after the fact) and do damage control. I really want to get better at managing my emotions so I can remember and tap into positive communication. Thank you for these tips!
I believe that our personal challenges give us the best tools to support our clients. Nothing to be embarrassed about as long as you’re striving to be better (and making notes of your journey) as you said!
'you should just' was a great reminder for relationships/friendships. I have a habit of wanting to give people solutions or the "next step" when sometimes all they need is a listening ear and acknowledgement of what they're going through!
One thing I make a point to do with my child is ask "do you need me to listen or do you want advice?" They think for a second, tell me what they're looking for, and then the conversation goes quite well.
This one has been challenging in my relationship..I appreciate when my bf wants to be helpful and offer advice, but often times I just want to talk and tell him what's going on and I'm not looking for "do this" or "do that". What makes it more frustrating is when I literally tell him as kindly as I can that that is not what I need right now and he will just keep repeating the same "advice" that I didn't want.
Honestly I don't even mind when my partner does it. That's just how he works. But it's also how I work, so it's fine, lol. And it does generally help me see things in another perspective. I do have a problem with the phrasing though, 'you should just..' is quite belittleing (if that's a word), I would rather go for 'have you tried...' or 'would it be possible to...' etc. 'You should just...' makes it sound like the solution is clear and easy and that the other person should have been able to see it right away.
10 phrases and instead 1. You always.. we mostly 2. You never... I feel like we rarely 3. Your little... Don't minimize things that mean a lot to them 4. Here we go again.. can we try a different way to talk about this 5. ______ does this and you .. don't compare other people (I always try to compare myself to me yesterday) I'd love to do this with you 6. You should just... Don't try to solve anything sometimes they just want support and validate 7. Leave me alone.... Just say you need some time and we'll come back after getting space 8. That's dumb... If you don't understand, then clarify that you don't understand tell me why you think that 9. I'm done... Avoid that phrase unless you're prepared to leave now 10. Calm down... Counterproductive so don't say it
“You should just…” has me in TEARS! I legit, for the umpteenth time, just expressed this to my BF and how it makes me feel. Him being logical and black and white, when I’m emotional and shades of gray, is starting to wear on me.
My ex did the same thing towards me months after our relationship when he wasn’t always that way. You don’t deserve that treatment AT ALL. You deserve someone who doesn’t look at your venting/emotions as a burden on them. That shows loud and clear they are not that invested into you emotionally. If he continues to do so, maybe it’s best to call it quits if you haven’t already with him. I understand how painful being single again can be, but you will feel SO much better overtime l, trust me❤️”
@@BlueBean_4 Could just as well say that the guy doesn't deserve that treatment AT ALL. What is he, your emotional punching bag, so you can wear him down in time because you're unable to manage your own emotions? Get therapy.
@@Mariuusful lol sweetheart unless you were the two people in that relationship and knew everything that happened, your opinions are invalid. I’m fully aware of who I am and the proper action that needs to be taken moving forward. Try taking your own advice instead of jumping to conclusions on a situation you barely know about, let alone the person☺️
Yes this would be perfect! I struggle when it comes to properly apologizing to my boyfriend during conflicts we have, and it's not because my apologies are halfhearted but they will definitely come across that way and instead it just gets misinterpreted and prolongs the issue before we eventually resolve things. When I'm upset, I'm not the best at putting my feelings into words so this would be a huge help!!
My wife loves "you always/never", it's extremely annoying and I voiced it to her numerous times through the years. It immediately invokes an antagonistic response from me and we'd end up in circular conversations/pointless arguments. Thankfully she has become more conscious of it and has taken steps to address this behavior. We've reached a new plateau of communication in our relationship and I'm grateful for that everyday. #Communicationmatters!#
On point! Another one is “shut up!” No one want to be told to “shut up”. Because it’s disrespectful and dismissive. Communication is key in any relationship, and using such language can damage trust, create conflict, and hinder effective dialogue. It’s important to find more respectful and constructive ways to address issues or disagreements with your partner. Awesome Info
I absolutely agree with the "clam down" one. In fact, my mother kept using it when I was a teenager, and it drove me nut. The problem when you're upset is that you tend to easily interpret what others tell you as a personal attack. And "calm down" feels like an order and/or a lecture. In contrast, my girlfriend is using the method proposed here and it's incredibly effective. When she just let me steam out, listening calmly, there's a point when I feel stupid being the only one yelling in the room. Then I settle down and apologize and we're back to normal conversation mode.
So knowing you blow up do you try not to blow up? As you said your partner notices that you blow up and she just lets you steam off but is that something you think is okay for her to deal with? Im just saying if its a pattern and you know it is, i suggest you can try to work out not blowing up. Not only because your partner allows you to calm down but to mainly not put it on people to deal with it
I read a way to approach conversation with your partner when they're upset by a frustrating situation is by asking: Do you want solutions or do just need to vent? I'm a person who loves to "fix" and I don't always verbalize that question, but think it and then try to listen and see if they specifically ask for help. If not, I try to back off of giving advice all of the time. I'm guilty of the "You should just...."
I would say to my ex “hey I have a question” or “can I ask you something” and his knee-jerk, learned behavior from his dad was to say “uh-oh”. I knew he didn’t mean it negatively and that he was subconsciously trying to lighten the mood because that was a form of levity for his parents, but it still felt like I couldn’t have anything worth asking sometimes
its not just his parents. When people say "I have a question" instead of just asking the question, there is something within them that they are not realizing. It is easy to blame him for his scenario, however that is a common issue that hopefully this therapist sees and can help you with.
@@seaofatl5549 I often said this to my ex, because I needed to figure out if he was available and receptive, and I feared a negative or indifferent response. I didn't bring this from my past, it developed over the course of a dysfunctional relationship.
A phrase I hear often from someone in my family is "I'm sorry that you..." with a sarcastic tone. For example, he will give instructions, his wife won't hear them because he talks quietly, and he'll get mad when she doesn't follow them. When she says she didn't hear him, he'll say "I'm sorry that you weren't paying attention."
Other ones that arent on that list - "I've done this for you" listing off a bunch of things that they have done for you in the past to hold it over you. and "you're acting crazy" that being emotional, or thinking a certain way invalidates everything you feel. I've gotten these in past relationships and its done a toll on my mental health.
I love that you’re not just naming the negative phrasing, you’re giving advice on how else someone might say it to get the same effect but in a less hostile/condescending way. This is a really great video!
Question about #1: What about in a seemingly positive light? For example: "You never let me down." or "You're always so sweet." I know it's a bit of a silly question, but as someone who struggles with expectation, sometimes hearing this makes me personally stress and feel as if I have to live up to a standard. This is my personal experience, however. Not quite sure how to word it.
Right! Even positive things enforce expectations for behavior. The pressure to always be kind and calm (examples) can be immense when we ourselves aren’t feeling calm lol
But it could be toxic positive tho. So I think balance is important. E.g telling someone they're always so nice, would inevitably place expectation on them to ALWAYS be nice.
I definitely find myself saying the “You should…” and really need to work on that. When my husband is trying to vent I can see now that I am minimizing his feelings and trying to give him a solution instead. It’s often never productive and makes him feel worse about himself. Funnily enough my parents used to use that phrase with me all the time when i was growing up and I hated it and now I realize I’ve started doing the same thing.
Right! Im so glad you made this comment, because that’s what my ex started saying to me weeks shortly before he officially called it quits. And then tried to describe me as “always stressed out” or whatever. Instead of being there for me when I need someone to talk to, that’s what he would do and it was low key hurtful😞
A phrase that my ex would use often was,… “I hear you, but….. “ . I’m my case, when he used that phrase he’d then continue with, what he wanted and thought something should be, not really hearing what I said. Thus invalidating what I had shared of my needs and concerns with him as if it didn’t matter to him. Thank you for sharing these points to be aware of and mindful of. I admit that I tend to say some of these phrases. I’m working on being mindful of these things in my relationships with my children and others around me.
“It’s okay” I say it a lot when I’m not okay but I just don’t want to frustrate my boyfriend anymore. I try to tell him why I’m upset but I can’t communicate well enough to make him understand what I’m trying to say but I get scared that he is losing his love in the middle of the serious conversation or argument. And especially if the topic is something that comes up more than twice. I’m struggling on this.
Yeah I agree that can be a bad thing to say bc it may not escalate things but it dismisses your feelings and the pain that's still there that should be addressed.
Same. My husband told me he also does this because he feels like his feelings don't matter but I genuinely care & ask multiple times a day how he's feeling or if he wants to talk because I can sense when his energy shifts.
The first thing that comes to mind is writing him a note. The note allows you to express your feelings without distractions, rebuttals, conflictions and challenges such as him responding which would alter what your trying to communicate. If you find it maybe difficult to explain how you feel in person, try. Note hehe. Also your able to re read and make changes if you need to to better make it more understandable
Something I learned if someone apologizes, the other person can say “thank you for apologizing”. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, maybe you can say, “can we take a moment before we try to talk about this more?” Not sure if that may help but big hugs and hope you are taking care
“Don’t even go there” is another phrase that dismisses what a partner wants to share. Or saying “really?!” in a condescending way invalidates a persons feelings. Took both of these saying out of my conversation and will work on some of the ones you proposed as well! 🙌🏾😊 Thanks for sharing these tips.
I can't tell you how many friendships I've ended from "I'm done". I used to be loyal to a fault and far too patient with having my boundaries overstepped. Now they're bewildered when they realized I'm done with manipulation tactics and not giving chase. If they want to come back and discuss it, sure! But you don't gain trust by running away until you win.
The one thing that I told my wife that makes me so upset and really escalates me, but I know her intention was to truly understand is the phrase “what’s wrong with you“. I can tell that she just wants to genuinely know why I am upset… But that phrase makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and it’s not right to feel what I’m feeling and it in validates my emotions.
One trigger phrase can be "we need to come to an understanding" when the person saying it is clearly not interested in any feedback or input from you and their only goal is to get you to see it their way or agree with their plan. I had the unfortunate situation of a narcissist spouse and the only "right" way was their way. The only conversation topics were the ones they controlled. The only acceptable opinions were their opinions. Yet they phrased it as if "we need to come together on this". As long as "we" saw things their way, then we were "getting along" together. Beware the "we" that really means "only me".
I cringe when I think back on how I was fooled by my ex mincing words and adding flowery, positive vocabulary to cover dark intentions. It’s so fucking manipulative to guide someone’s perception and control how they react to your words like that. It makes me feel like an idiot that I fell for something so seemingly obviously 🤦🏼♀️ why is it that the people who say they mean the best, are always the worst.
I like to say "I need to take a moment to calm down". Even if they are getting upset and I'm alr sry calm, it's a way to be the example of calming and give them the moment needed to get calm without making them feel attacked.
I used to be the type of person to be thinking a million thoughts and not say much at all when I was upset. I had to unlearn a lot of that and sometimes when I go too far, in the aftercare of an argument, I tell my boyfriend it's his fault I'm so vocal now. In all seriousness, these tips are awesome! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with us 😊 And I hope you have a happy holiday and a great new year! 💛
I say "leave me alone" a lot. I've been through a lot of trauma, including a very abusive 3 year long relationship and multiple assaults. I'm terrified of raised hands and raised voices. I'm easily overwhelmed and hate feeling cornered. Sometimes I will calmly tell my partner I need some space or I need to be alone for a while, but they keep going, keep pushing me into a corner or keep shouting. So I resort to shouting "leave me alone" or something with more swear words. I'm fully aware it is not a good way of coping with things, but sometimes it is the differences between me having a panic attack / meltdown or not
I love my husband so much and he deserves so much better than how I have responded to him. I can think of an example of myself doing every single one of these and I am ashamed. My husband doesn't speak up, he doesn't like confrontation and I would rather argue and get it over with. We don't argue often but I realize that i shut him down and then ask why he never expresses himself to me. I also know that it's a defense mechanism but that doesn't make it right. I have a lot of work too do. Thank you so much
Finally another women in a relationship that needs to do the work mostly on the relationship. It seems it’s always the men that need to work at it. I feel some relief that I’m not the only one that needs to work on themselves for the sake of the relationship
@Meg-sp8ex I have been doing a lot of work on myself over the last 6+ months and it's been the best we've ever been. I've never appreciated him, and our relationship as much as I do now. It helps a lot to have access to my therapist who has helped me realize what I could improve and do differently.
Great stuff! I’ve done a lot of work with people in crisis/high stress situations, and when it comes to telling people to “calm down,” I’ve found that it’s not helpful for anyone to tell anyone else to calm down. Something I’ve practiced is if the way the person is speaking is making it hard for us to communicate (can’t understand what they’re saying), I let them know in a calm demeanor and voice that I want to make sure I can understand everything they say and I ask them if they want to take a moment to take some deep breaths with me. They usually say yes and we simply breathe about 3-5 times and then get back to the conversation. There are times that I can accept a person speaking in a louder and more passionate tone if i see its helping them say exactly what they need to say as long as it’s not disrespectful towards me. If they get verbally abusive I calmly let them know that I want us to have this conversation but it has to be in a way that is respectful to everyone involved. I then ask them if they can agree to speak respectfully to me and I’ll do the same. If they disagree then I let them know we won’t have the conversation now so we’ll take a break and talk about this when we are able to respect each other in the process. I agree with everything you shared and I’ll be evaluating myself to make sure I show up in a loving, respectful way to help my relationship flourish. Thank you!
My partner just goes "errrggghhhh" loudly and rolls his eyes when I try to explain what he did that upset me. So then THAT now upsets me. And we go round and round in circles.
I really love the fact that she Steph brought up paying attention to other ppls relationships and comparing them to your own and the negative affects it can have. I feel like ppl do this when it comes to celebrities and ppl of status which can create unrealistic goals which then turns into disappointment and can start an argument. If I’m wrong or worded this incorrectly lmk please
“You don’t understand…” Is one I use to use when I was frustrated when it felt like my partner didn’t fully understand my situation rather than acknowledging that they are trying to understand in some way.
Yessss! Any time you tell us some common things people do that they shouldn't I'm allllll ears 👂 haha, I love when you point out something I didn't even realize I should/ could improve on! You are literally staying true to helping people create their best lives, I'm such a fan of your channel! ☺️
You know me and my husband used to have a bit of arguments. Mostly cause he has a one direction mindset when it comes to confrontation, and it took a lot of me explaining how relationships are always different and he should try to be more self aware. And though we were happy, now we’re even more happy!! 🥰❤️❤️
I know your channel since you've opened it. Despite all of these impediments, seeing you still there, keeping upload videos educating us, it's just really inspiring. I'm so proud of you.
The holidays are upon us and it's the end of the year and I just wanted to take the time to thank you for making these videos. They have really helped me learn a lot about communication and better ways to do it and really help me reflect on becoming a better person in general. I found your channel at some point during this year and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate what you do.
I tell my partner “You always make me feel loved and beautiful” LOL, but on a side note, I am happy that me and my partner seems to be very conscious of how to communicate with each other and I’ll keep this advice for the future :)
I say "calm down, come back to yourself. Breathe" to my mother. & breathe though with her. Only thing is I don't have the capacity to parent her anymore. I love your videos & it's appreciated 😊💞
I rarely post comments on here but I have to say thank you for the work that you do. It opened my eyes to issues in my relationship that ultimately lead to the most painful breakup of my life, but I know it is for the better.. If it's not too much to ask for, could you please do a video on dealing with a break up? I think that would be very helpful. Thank you💜
When a person says "U should know how i am already! " or "Thats just how I am!!" When they get upset about something or if they do something upsetting and thats their response.
Ten phrases to avoid in your relationship !! 1) "You never..." 2) "You always..." 3) "Your little..." 4) "Here we go again." 5) "(__) does this." 6) "You should just..." 7) "Leave me alone!" 8) "You don't make sense." 9) "I'm done." 10) "Calm down."
Exactly why I’ve been single for 5 years after a horrific break up! I’ve used all of these and so has he! We mirrored each other so much, so I had to step out of the dating and relationship scene until I healed these problems within myself! My next love will be my best love!!!
It’s very important to note that these sorts of things apply to a lot of relationships, and that may not be yours. My ex would easily use this video to gaslight me about my behavior towards him when I was simply mirroring his attempts at me. I would have believed that I could be better, but you can’t be better in a situation with someone who doesn’t want to get better and who doesn’t care about you.
P.S. I enjoyed the video and want to keep it in mind for future reference, this is not an attack on what you’re doing and I’m appreciative of your advice! I just also see it from the point of the abused ❤️💕
I definitely say “I’m done” , “you always” “you never” 🤧 this video came across my feed at the perfect timing because I am looking for ways to better my relationship after multiple almost break ups. So I just got a reality check that I need to stop using these phrases. Thank you for this knowledge Steph. You are greatly appreciated 🙏🏾
Thank you for posting this video. This is my first video on your channel. You truly spoke with elegance, class, and truth. I appreciate all the work you put into this video.
that last one "calm down" is really good, i really didnt consider anything of it when ive done it but it makes sense everytime its gone wrong. im glad i watched this even though im in a perfect relationship lol. ill have to try this better next time
I love the sponsor of this video because it is not some random app you say you use but rather it is something that you (and pretty much anybody) really use
I love these kinds of videos ❤️ I like to save or make mental notes about them so I can rewatch. I didn’t have good examples of relationships growing up so navigating what’s healthy and what’s not hasn’t always been the easiest
My ex would always say "you should" whenever i would say i was stressed or having a bad day. I told him i just want you to listen to me and say im sorry and its ok. Very validating to hear it said here as well
I really appreciate your advice about mimicking a calm attitude to help someone calm down. I’ve had this discussion with my bf before about how the words “calm down” are not helpful but I didn’t really have a suggestion as to what else to do alternatively. Luckily, neither of us are hot headed but we have competitive spirits. The main reason I dislike people saying “calm down” is because it’s usually an interruption into the discussion flow, whether or not you cut someone off or waited for them to give you a chance to speak. Saying calm down isn’t necessary unless the other person is yelling in public, slurring their words, or turning red/purple. Also, saying “calm down” is a command. It’s not usually appropriate, in the midst of a discussion, to fire off a command. It’s hard to remember when the person you’re talking to is upset but that other person is trying to have a discussion. I don’t know if this is how it works for other people, but this is what I’ve learned: if you value the relationship, answer to the messages conveyed not the emotions conveyed.
thank you for this, my relationship is very healthy overall. I realized that we use some of these, i will share this vid with him. There's always space for growth and it's better when we grow together
So far, I know I’ve done the “little” thing. I honestly can’t remember the scenario, but I remember telling my partner that something was cute, or not negative. But I can’t remember, so I can be open to being in the wrong. After listening to the whole video, my partner does most of these. I’m pushing for couples counseling.
Thank you for reaffirming to me how watch those statements are damaging to relationships. My ex used a lot of those. This clarifies to me how much I was not the one with the problem and I don't need to reflect further. I don't need to internalize his emotional immaturity.
My partner used to not like the tone of my voice whenever I got upset. He would insist that I should be able to speak without any emotion in my voice. Then he would use the "calm down"-thing. It made me absolutly furious every single time.
Thank you Thank you for your knowledge 🙏 I've already listened and written down in my journal to remember. I'm dealing with infidelity...PTSD, among so many other childhood trauma that has shown up. I know I am healing. I'm Pleased to have discovered your channel . Bless you and your passion to help.
My partner and I are guilty with some of these. I tend to say “you never” or “you always” or “well that’s dumb”. He tends to belittle my feelings but not like on purpose. Honestly, the only person whom I can think of who actually uses the better phrases is my best friend. Talk about a strong emotional intelligence. I’m proud of her ^_^ she’s always had an old soul and been so mature for her age
Hmm I say “I’m done” quite often when I can see we are going in a circle for an hr or more, or that we can’t get through to each other. I always meant “I’m done with this conversation”. I see now how it can be taken in a much diff. Way… just found your channel today and I like the way you present the info. Some like to throw way too many technical terms out there. For someone just working in their relationship, the way you go about explaining things is very helpful. Ty 😄
My husband is starting his healing journey, he has said the “always” and “never” phrases to me & of course I’ve given him grace in certain situations, but more times than not it blows up way out of proportion…it “always” seems to be something that I don’t do right. & when I receive this information I feel blindsided…when I express my feelings about what his issues are with me to him in ways like “I feel”…he still gets defensive when I bring up my feelings to him. It’s extremely frustrating to have him get defensive/upset at me about how he makes me feel. I end up feeling bad for making him feel bad that he made me feel bad….OMGGG 🙃 I just want him to talk to you so bad Steph! Just found you today & I love your content!
Great vid. Regarding the comparison aspect, it can for sure go past comparing other marriages and relationships. I get alot of comparison to mom and grandmother and that just really triggers me. I am guilty of giving the solutions or offering a contrary/devil's advocate opinion when all he wants to do is vent.
This was a great video, made me reflect on previous relationships and my current one and how I can communicate clearer when emotions are high on both sides
This week I told my boyfriend: "I think I know what you are going to say" and immediately felt like an idiot. Thank you for the video because I am a sensible man and so is my partner and I am not into speaking in a way that makes him feel less. Awesome video!!
Not sure why this popped up in my recommended but I'm glad it did. I've tried explaining these things impact all kinds of relationships to both family and friends & I don't think they'll listen to anyone they know personally about these things.
Also, “Don't do that...” I've heard this in a disagreement I had with a co-worker, and it upset me that he didn't like how the conversation was going. I was sharing an experience with him, and as the conversation was getting intense, I heard that, and I said, what do you mean don't do that? So what does that mean from a therapist's perspective view?
This hits me hard. My husband uses all of the trigger phrases. That’s dumb, you always, leave me alone, etc. Understanding why they are triggers helps me tremendously.
Also "calm down" can give off the feeling that you're not being listed to, you're not being taken seriously, and/or your feeling aren't valid. If youre upset with someone and you're expressing that, you don't want to hear what sounds like "stop being upset"
Incredibly good advice. 🔥 I'm also someone to likes to give advice, so a good way to approach it is to ask the person whether they want advice or just a listening ear/shoulder to lean on. Definitely helps me avoid making the person feel worse. I definitely used to do a lot of these until I did a lot of self reflection and practiced communicating my emotions rather than projecting them. It gets easier with practice.
My husband tried to start an argument with me today and I stayed calm to the best and f my ability. I chose to not let him get me work up because I realize he was trying to say I was doing things that I wasn’t and he didn’t want to listen to me talking to him rationally. Then he said it’s whatever and proceeded to do whatever he was doing. Then later he came to apologize saying he wasn’t trying to make me upset and I told him I wasn’t because I am control of my feelings now and I choose not to be upset. I wanted him to go to couples therapy but he doesn’t want to. I decided to work on me and accept myself.
I really struggle with defaulting to "maybe you should just," and it's sometimes really hard to catch myself because I know on some level that's a deeply rooted trauma response making me feel like I need to fix it. For myself, taking a moment and asking "what do you need from me? Is there anything I can do to help?" And just, being that emotional support in the moment is often a great substitute, though obviously every situation and relationship is different. Best of luck out there yall!
I feel like this one is a bit different from the rest, like you, I tend to do this for the same reason, this rooted trauma of fixing things. And although it's not the best thing to do or say, it has an intention in helping even if it's not what they need.
Ive had friendships fall apart because we had different apology languages. I have the " taking responsibility" one, and they had "ask for forgiveness" I get really irritates with "ask for forgiveness" cause it feels like I'm Begging, or flip side: that someone is avoiding what they really did. however If someone takes responsibility, BAM I never even have to hear "Im sorry" to forgive them. I've had others say that "taking responsibility" feels disingenuous to them because they don't feel like Im truly remorseful. Since the friend ship fell apart in the horrible way it did, i now use all 5 until I know someone else's apology language
Thank you so much for this. My partner and I really needed this guidance. I have been attempting to communicate some of these issues to him to no avail. I shared your video and asked him to please watch it so that we can discuss some of our obstacles with this tool. Have a great day and thank you for your guidance, sis ❤️
I do a little too many of these 😬
Haha none of us are perfect!
Realizing it is the first step, love!!
Same
Same 😭
@@tiffanypersaud3518 we accept our flaws too 💖🥺🥰
When i say "leave me alone" i make sure to say "leave me alone for just a minute please, i need a second. I love you" it keeps my fiance calm, reassured, but lets him know im overstimulated and im losing control of my emotions and i dont want to hurt him. He does the same with me. We both like this dynamic because its straight forward but still affectionate
It has taken me around eight years, but my fiance and I have finally gotten here, as well. I'm neurodivergent, and I hid it from him pretty much completely. The person I was most comfortable with, I still wore a "mask." On autopilot, going through the motions, not truly LIVING. Sending good vibes. ❤️
@@andreaerdely1736 this is exactly how i was, my fiance was the first person i truly lost my mask with and its so amazing to have someone who truly loves me without my mask. good vibes to you too
This is so cute, l will start using this🥺❤️
Good tip, I will try this out!
So difficult to do!! 😭
I hate when people say “I’m breaking up with you” or “I’ll leave you” as a joke. Even saying something like that as a passive joke (at least to me) is really damaging for my trust and it makes me wonder if they’ve been thinking about it. It just makes me cringe when I see people do that
My wife has joked about leaving me and taking our son if I ever do her wrong, and it just feels like an emotional attack. I don't even know how it's supposed to be funny. I guess it's supposed to be some way of her belittling herself and saying "I'm so cray that ___", but it just causes me so much anger because it feels like she's empowering herself and blackmailing me at the same time.
@@kysono I’m sorry you’ve dealt with that! Have you sat her down to talk to her about it calmly? It really isn’t funny because it just puts that little seed in the back of your mind and it can definitely fester and create anxiety for you.
It definitely depends on the situation. I've only ever used it as a joke when it's a really REALLY silly thing. Like...you don't like pineapple...we can't be friends any more. But if there is any level of seriousness (or the topic in question has any level of seriousness or background) it can definitely sow the seeds of doubt.
@@cherylcorbett5829 I haven't talked to her about that specifically, but we're doing a lot of talking about all sorts of sensitive topics, so there's progress being made in other areas. Thanks for the advice.
@@kysono I get it
The phrase “I’m tired…” When I hear that it makes me feel like they’re giving up or gave up and aren’t up for putting in the work for the relationship. “I’m tired of this” “I’m tired of you not…” “I’m tired of repeating myself” etc. If you’re in fact tired and wanting to end the relationship then let’s sit down and have that talk. But if you say that whenever you get angry and especially to someone who has abandonment issues it can make them feel like they lost you already.
Wow yeah, 100% facts. It feels like they’re sick of you
Yeah they make small talks that arent so serious throughout the time then out if nowhere wanna say those things. Thats really bad. You have to sit down and talk to them. Tell them exactly what bothers you and why does it bother you then can say i would really appreciate it if you can work with me etc. "Im tired" gives the sense of "i keep communicating that this bothers me and you dont care" at this point ill give an ultimatum because i wont deal with it no longer but thats me. Ill have 1 final talk and be like "listen i have told you multiple times that this reslly bothers me and since the times we spoke i havent seen you make an effort to show that you listened and care and now im tired of dealing with this issue and i cant deal with it anymore so now either you work with me and lets get through this together or im done" you show the person in my opinion that im very serious Nd im not tolerating anything that bithers me so if you cant compromise with me then you not the one for me
i try to say “this conversation is exhausting me because we keep bringing up points that don’t matter” and then try to reroute and focus on the problem that started the disagreement and remind him that we have to work together and not against eachother
Kinda embarrassed as a MFT student, I use way too many of these in my relationship. But I catch myself (after the fact) and do damage control. I really want to get better at managing my emotions so I can remember and tap into positive communication. Thank you for these tips!
I believe that our personal challenges give us the best tools to support our clients. Nothing to be embarrassed about as long as you’re striving to be better (and making notes of your journey) as you said!
Beautiful comment and share! We are catching up on our Relationship/Communication Videos today 🌞✌🏾
@@StephAnya - curious what notes are. A journal? A tick-list?
Just thinking this over. Not second-guessing you.
🦁
@Chanté Danielle keep working on it! Change can happen. We have brain plasticity!
'you should just' was a great reminder for relationships/friendships. I have a habit of wanting to give people solutions or the "next step" when sometimes all they need is a listening ear and acknowledgement of what they're going through!
One thing I make a point to do with my child is ask "do you need me to listen or do you want advice?" They think for a second, tell me what they're looking for, and then the conversation goes quite well.
Oof, that’s me for sure. I’ve been trying to get better about it too, ny letting them lead the conversation, but I’m still bad about it.
This one has been challenging in my relationship..I appreciate when my bf wants to be helpful and offer advice, but often times I just want to talk and tell him what's going on and I'm not looking for "do this" or "do that". What makes it more frustrating is when I literally tell him as kindly as I can that that is not what I need right now and he will just keep repeating the same "advice" that I didn't want.
Very important we often KNOW the solution but venting is a thing humans need.
Honestly I don't even mind when my partner does it. That's just how he works. But it's also how I work, so it's fine, lol. And it does generally help me see things in another perspective. I do have a problem with the phrasing though, 'you should just..' is quite belittleing (if that's a word), I would rather go for 'have you tried...' or 'would it be possible to...' etc. 'You should just...' makes it sound like the solution is clear and easy and that the other person should have been able to see it right away.
10 phrases and instead
1. You always.. we mostly
2. You never... I feel like we rarely
3. Your little... Don't minimize things that mean a lot to them
4. Here we go again.. can we try a different way to talk about this
5. ______ does this and you .. don't compare other people (I always try to compare myself to me yesterday) I'd love to do this with you
6. You should just... Don't try to solve anything sometimes they just want support and validate
7. Leave me alone.... Just say you need some time and we'll come back after getting space
8. That's dumb... If you don't understand, then clarify that you don't understand tell me why you think that
9. I'm done... Avoid that phrase unless you're prepared to leave now
10. Calm down... Counterproductive so don't say it
Thank you for the recap!
@@kiaj.d.5855 you're very welcome 🤗. Have a wonderful day everyday ❤️
Thank you
Thank you. Not about to sit through 16 minutes of video fir 10 things
Thanks for the breakdown. I see there is a lot of ads in this one
“You should just…” has me in TEARS! I legit, for the umpteenth time, just expressed this to my BF and how it makes me feel. Him being logical and black and white, when I’m emotional and shades of gray, is starting to wear on me.
My ex did the same thing towards me months after our relationship when he wasn’t always that way. You don’t deserve that treatment AT ALL. You deserve someone who doesn’t look at your venting/emotions as a burden on them. That shows loud and clear they are not that invested into you emotionally. If he continues to do so, maybe it’s best to call it quits if you haven’t already with him. I understand how painful being single again can be, but you will feel SO much better overtime l, trust me❤️”
@@BlueBean_4 Are you saying that she should just break up with him? (Friendly nudge, it struck me as funny)
@@BlueBean_4 Could just as well say that the guy doesn't deserve that treatment AT ALL. What is he, your emotional punching bag, so you can wear him down in time because you're unable to manage your own emotions? Get therapy.
@@estherherzog7655 it’s her choice not mine :)
@@Mariuusful lol sweetheart unless you were the two people in that relationship and knew everything that happened, your opinions are invalid. I’m fully aware of who I am and the proper action that needs to be taken moving forward. Try taking your own advice instead of jumping to conclusions on a situation you barely know about, let alone the person☺️
Can we add "I'm sorry but..."
Please make a video about do's and dont's of apologizing
Yesss! Great idea!
Yes!! It's such a pet peeve for me when people say I'm sorry but
I'm guilty as charged for this one 😬
Yes this would be perfect! I struggle when it comes to properly apologizing to my boyfriend during conflicts we have, and it's not because my apologies are halfhearted but they will definitely come across that way and instead it just gets misinterpreted and prolongs the issue before we eventually resolve things. When I'm upset, I'm not the best at putting my feelings into words so this would be a huge help!!
Great idea. I will love that
My wife loves "you always/never", it's extremely annoying and I voiced it to her numerous times through the years. It immediately invokes an antagonistic response from me and we'd end up in circular conversations/pointless arguments. Thankfully she has become more conscious of it and has taken steps to address this behavior. We've reached a new plateau of communication in our relationship and I'm grateful for that everyday. #Communicationmatters!#
Lovely to see progress, I'm glad you guys are doing better now :)
As someone who struggles with a partner who does this. Please tell me how! Because I am driven crazy by it.
@@yosoyroman875 couples therapy!
On point! Another one is “shut up!” No one want to be told to “shut up”. Because it’s disrespectful and dismissive. Communication is key in any relationship, and using such language can damage trust, create conflict, and hinder effective dialogue. It’s important to find more respectful and constructive ways to address issues or disagreements with your partner. Awesome Info
Any insult or disrespectful phrases or comments or act really…
I tend to say "you always" and I try to catch myself. I also say "here we go again" but that's when I'm being silly 😂
I'm the one that's quick to say that something doesn't make sense, but I'm working on it!
Y’all are so cute 🥺❤️
Beautiful comment and share! We are catching up on our Relationship/Communication Videos today 🌞✌🏾
I absolutely agree with the "clam down" one. In fact, my mother kept using it when I was a teenager, and it drove me nut.
The problem when you're upset is that you tend to easily interpret what others tell you as a personal attack. And "calm down" feels like an order and/or a lecture.
In contrast, my girlfriend is using the method proposed here and it's incredibly effective. When she just let me steam out, listening calmly, there's a point when I feel stupid being the only one yelling in the room. Then I settle down and apologize and we're back to normal conversation mode.
So knowing you blow up do you try not to blow up? As you said your partner notices that you blow up and she just lets you steam off but is that something you think is okay for her to deal with? Im just saying if its a pattern and you know it is, i suggest you can try to work out not blowing up. Not only because your partner allows you to calm down but to mainly not put it on people to deal with it
@@TheMoises1213 If it can come as a relief, I'm a fairly chill person so, I very rarely blow up in the first place.
I read a way to approach conversation with your partner when they're upset by a frustrating situation is by asking: Do you want solutions or do just need to vent? I'm a person who loves to "fix" and I don't always verbalize that question, but think it and then try to listen and see if they specifically ask for help. If not, I try to back off of giving advice all of the time. I'm guilty of the "You should just...."
Beautiful comment and share! We are catching up on our Relationship/Communication Videos today 🌞✌🏾
I would say to my ex “hey I have a question” or “can I ask you something” and his knee-jerk, learned behavior from his dad was to say “uh-oh”. I knew he didn’t mean it negatively and that he was subconsciously trying to lighten the mood because that was a form of levity for his parents, but it still felt like I couldn’t have anything worth asking sometimes
its not just his parents. When people say "I have a question" instead of just asking the question, there is something within them that they are not realizing. It is easy to blame him for his scenario, however that is a common issue that hopefully this therapist sees and can help you with.
Did you tell him how him saying that made you feel a type of way?
@@seaofatl5549 I often said this to my ex, because I needed to figure out if he was available and receptive, and I feared a negative or indifferent response. I didn't bring this from my past, it developed over the course of a dysfunctional relationship.
A phrase I hear often from someone in my family is "I'm sorry that you..." with a sarcastic tone. For example, he will give instructions, his wife won't hear them because he talks quietly, and he'll get mad when she doesn't follow them. When she says she didn't hear him, he'll say "I'm sorry that you weren't paying attention."
His a covert narc.
YES ! YES YES YES !!!!! I was told that A LOT… I think he was a covert narc OMG I couldn’t stand that bc it’s not even an apology …
Other ones that arent on that list - "I've done this for you" listing off a bunch of things that they have done for you in the past to hold it over you. and "you're acting crazy" that being emotional, or thinking a certain way invalidates everything you feel. I've gotten these in past relationships and its done a toll on my mental health.
I love that you’re not just naming the negative phrasing, you’re giving advice on how else someone might say it to get the same effect but in a less hostile/condescending way. This is a really great video!
I still get excited to hear you say “I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist” without the associate!! Woohoo!
Question about #1:
What about in a seemingly positive light? For example: "You never let me down." or "You're always so sweet." I know it's a bit of a silly question, but as someone who struggles with expectation, sometimes hearing this makes me personally stress and feel as if I have to live up to a standard. This is my personal experience, however. Not quite sure how to word it.
Right! Even positive things enforce expectations for behavior. The pressure to always be kind and calm (examples) can be immense when we ourselves aren’t feeling calm lol
I think 'always' and "never ' apply to fighting words /communicating situations. I love that you are self reflecting !!
But it could be toxic positive tho. So I think balance is important. E.g telling someone they're always so nice, would inevitably place expectation on them to ALWAYS be nice.
I say positive is good. If everyone felt the expectation to live up to a good standard (that they have set for themselves) then I say hallelujah!
I definitely find myself saying the “You should…” and really need to work on that. When my husband is trying to vent I can see now that I am minimizing his feelings and trying to give him a solution instead. It’s often never productive and makes him feel worse about himself. Funnily enough my parents used to use that phrase with me all the time when i was growing up and I hated it and now I realize I’ve started doing the same thing.
Right! Im so glad you made this comment, because that’s what my ex started saying to me weeks shortly before he officially called it quits. And then tried to describe me as “always stressed out” or whatever. Instead of being there for me when I need someone to talk to, that’s what he would do and it was low key hurtful😞
A phrase that my ex would use often was,… “I hear you, but….. “ .
I’m my case, when he used that phrase he’d then continue with, what he wanted and thought something should be, not really hearing what I said. Thus invalidating what I had shared of my needs and concerns with him as if it didn’t matter to him.
Thank you for sharing these points to be aware of and mindful of. I admit that I tend to say some of these phrases. I’m working on being mindful of these things in my relationships with my children and others around me.
“It’s okay” I say it a lot when I’m not okay but I just don’t want to frustrate my boyfriend anymore. I try to tell him why I’m upset but I can’t communicate well enough to make him understand what I’m trying to say but I get scared that he is losing his love in the middle of the serious conversation or argument. And especially if the topic is something that comes up more than twice. I’m struggling on this.
Yeah I agree that can be a bad thing to say bc it may not escalate things but it dismisses your feelings and the pain that's still there that should be addressed.
Same. My husband told me he also does this because he feels like his feelings don't matter but I genuinely care & ask multiple times a day how he's feeling or if he wants to talk because I can sense when his energy shifts.
The first thing that comes to mind is writing him a note. The note allows you to express your feelings without distractions, rebuttals, conflictions and challenges such as him responding which would alter what your trying to communicate. If you find it maybe difficult to explain how you feel in person, try. Note hehe. Also your able to re read and make changes if you need to to better make it more understandable
Something I learned if someone apologizes, the other person can say “thank you for apologizing”. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, maybe you can say, “can we take a moment before we try to talk about this more?” Not sure if that may help but big hugs and hope you are taking care
@@TheMoises1213 thank you for the advice. Notes are such a good idea!!😊
“Don’t even go there” is another phrase that dismisses what a partner wants to share. Or saying “really?!” in a condescending way invalidates a persons feelings.
Took both of these saying out of my conversation and will work on some of the ones you proposed as well! 🙌🏾😊 Thanks for sharing these tips.
I feel like “I find it funny how…” or any other sort of sarcasm-laced opening statement like this could definitely be added to this list 💯
I can't tell you how many friendships I've ended from "I'm done". I used to be loyal to a fault and far too patient with having my boundaries overstepped. Now they're bewildered when they realized I'm done with manipulation tactics and not giving chase. If they want to come back and discuss it, sure! But you don't gain trust by running away until you win.
The one thing that I told my wife that makes me so upset and really escalates me, but I know her intention was to truly understand is the phrase “what’s wrong with you“. I can tell that she just wants to genuinely know why I am upset… But that phrase makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and it’s not right to feel what I’m feeling and it in validates my emotions.
One trigger phrase can be "we need to come to an understanding" when the person saying it is clearly not interested in any feedback or input from you and their only goal is to get you to see it their way or agree with their plan. I had the unfortunate situation of a narcissist spouse and the only "right" way was their way. The only conversation topics were the ones they controlled. The only acceptable opinions were their opinions. Yet they phrased it as if "we need to come together on this". As long as "we" saw things their way, then we were "getting along" together. Beware the "we" that really means "only me".
I cringe when I think back on how I was fooled by my ex mincing words and adding flowery, positive vocabulary to cover dark intentions. It’s so fucking manipulative to guide someone’s perception and control how they react to your words like that. It makes me feel like an idiot that I fell for something so seemingly obviously 🤦🏼♀️ why is it that the people who say they mean the best, are always the worst.
I like to say "I need to take a moment to calm down". Even if they are getting upset and I'm alr sry calm, it's a way to be the example of calming and give them the moment needed to get calm without making them feel attacked.
I used to be the type of person to be thinking a million thoughts and not say much at all when I was upset. I had to unlearn a lot of that and sometimes when I go too far, in the aftercare of an argument, I tell my boyfriend it's his fault I'm so vocal now. In all seriousness, these tips are awesome! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with us 😊 And I hope you have a happy holiday and a great new year! 💛
Steph I wanted to let you know I passed the Florida MFT EXAM! I used the AATBS program. Thank you for your videos.
Ahhhh!!! Congratulations, Felicia!! I’m so happy for you!!
Whoooo!!! Go!!
Yesss goooo!
I say "leave me alone" a lot. I've been through a lot of trauma, including a very abusive 3 year long relationship and multiple assaults. I'm terrified of raised hands and raised voices. I'm easily overwhelmed and hate feeling cornered. Sometimes I will calmly tell my partner I need some space or I need to be alone for a while, but they keep going, keep pushing me into a corner or keep shouting. So I resort to shouting "leave me alone" or something with more swear words.
I'm fully aware it is not a good way of coping with things, but sometimes it is the differences between me having a panic attack / meltdown or not
Big hugs Sarah 🤗, I feel you, can relate and understand. Hopefully things are better in your relationship 😊
I feel you girl I relate to this I get quiet and freeze
Relatable. Your partner should not be raising their hand or their voice at you. I think few people would react calmly to that.
I love my husband so much and he deserves so much better than how I have responded to him. I can think of an example of myself doing every single one of these and I am ashamed. My husband doesn't speak up, he doesn't like confrontation and I would rather argue and get it over with. We don't argue often but I realize that i shut him down and then ask why he never expresses himself to me. I also know that it's a defense mechanism but that doesn't make it right. I have a lot of work too do. Thank you so much
Finally another women in a relationship that needs to do the work mostly on the relationship. It seems it’s always the men that need to work at it. I feel some relief that I’m not the only one that needs to work on themselves for the sake of the relationship
@Meg-sp8ex I have been doing a lot of work on myself over the last 6+ months and it's been the best we've ever been. I've never appreciated him, and our relationship as much as I do now. It helps a lot to have access to my therapist who has helped me realize what I could improve and do differently.
Great stuff! I’ve done a lot of work with people in crisis/high stress situations, and when it comes to telling people to “calm down,” I’ve found that it’s not helpful for anyone to tell anyone else to calm down. Something I’ve practiced is if the way the person is speaking is making it hard for us to communicate (can’t understand what they’re saying), I let them know in a calm demeanor and voice that I want to make sure I can understand everything they say and I ask them if they want to take a moment to take some deep breaths with me. They usually say yes and we simply breathe about 3-5 times and then get back to the conversation. There are times that I can accept a person speaking in a louder and more passionate tone if i see its helping them say exactly what they need to say as long as it’s not disrespectful towards me. If they get verbally abusive I calmly let them know that I want us to have this conversation but it has to be in a way that is respectful to everyone involved. I then ask them if they can agree to speak respectfully to me and I’ll do the same. If they disagree then I let them know we won’t have the conversation now so we’ll take a break and talk about this when we are able to respect each other in the process. I agree with everything you shared and I’ll be evaluating myself to make sure I show up in a loving, respectful way to help my relationship flourish. Thank you!
My partner just goes "errrggghhhh" loudly and rolls his eyes when I try to explain what he did that upset me. So then THAT now upsets me. And we go round and round in circles.
I really love the fact that she Steph brought up paying attention to other ppls relationships and comparing them to your own and the negative affects it can have. I feel like ppl do this when it comes to celebrities and ppl of status which can create unrealistic goals which then turns into disappointment and can start an argument. If I’m wrong or worded this incorrectly lmk please
“You don’t understand…” Is one I use to use when I was frustrated when it felt like my partner didn’t fully understand my situation rather than acknowledging that they are trying to understand in some way.
Yessss! Any time you tell us some common things people do that they shouldn't I'm allllll ears 👂 haha, I love when you point out something I didn't even realize I should/ could improve on! You are literally staying true to helping people create their best lives, I'm such a fan of your channel! ☺️
I’m so glad that you enjoy these!! Thank you!!
The “you never” 😫 I am so guilty, as a recently married woman I definitely needed to see this! Thank you ❤
You know me and my husband used to have a bit of arguments. Mostly cause he has a one direction mindset when it comes to confrontation, and it took a lot of me explaining how relationships are always different and he should try to be more self aware. And though we were happy, now we’re even more happy!! 🥰❤️❤️
I know your channel since you've opened it. Despite all of these impediments, seeing you still there, keeping upload videos educating us, it's just really inspiring. I'm so proud of you.
My parents have done so much of the stuff on this list. Thank you for sharing this!
The holidays are upon us and it's the end of the year and I just wanted to take the time to thank you for making these videos. They have really helped me learn a lot about communication and better ways to do it and really help me reflect on becoming a better person in general. I found your channel at some point during this year and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate what you do.
You’re so smart & I appreciate your videos so much. Even the older ones ❤
I tell my partner “You always make me feel loved and beautiful” LOL, but on a side note, I am happy that me and my partner seems to be very conscious of how to communicate with each other and I’ll keep this advice for the future :)
I say "calm down, come back to yourself. Breathe" to my mother. & breathe though with her. Only thing is I don't have the capacity to parent her anymore. I love your videos & it's appreciated 😊💞
I love your content! You inspired me to explore the field of psychology and to potentially become a counselor myself ☺️☺️ Thank you for all you do!
Go for it!
I rarely post comments on here but I have to say thank you for the work that you do. It opened my eyes to issues in my relationship that ultimately lead to the most painful breakup of my life, but I know it is for the better.. If it's not too much to ask for, could you please do a video on dealing with a break up? I think that would be very helpful. Thank you💜
When a person says "U should know how i am already! " or "Thats just how I am!!" When they get upset about something or if they do something upsetting and thats their response.
Steph, thank you, this is a good one. Definitely a reality check with some of these phrases.
You're so welcome! Glad it was helpful!
Ten phrases to avoid in your relationship !!
1) "You never..."
2) "You always..."
3) "Your little..."
4) "Here we go again."
5) "(__) does this."
6) "You should just..."
7) "Leave me alone!"
8) "You don't make sense."
9) "I'm done."
10) "Calm down."
Exactly why I’ve been single for 5 years after a horrific break up! I’ve used all of these and so has he! We mirrored each other so much, so I had to step out of the dating and relationship scene until I healed these problems within myself! My next love will be my best love!!!
It’s very important to note that these sorts of things apply to a lot of relationships, and that may not be yours. My ex would easily use this video to gaslight me about my behavior towards him when I was simply mirroring his attempts at me. I would have believed that I could be better, but you can’t be better in a situation with someone who doesn’t want to get better and who doesn’t care about you.
P.S. I enjoyed the video and want to keep it in mind for future reference, this is not an attack on what you’re doing and I’m appreciative of your advice! I just also see it from the point of the abused ❤️💕
I literally said one of these yesterday and it exacerbated the argument. Now, seeing this, I understand why.
I definitely say “I’m done” , “you always” “you never” 🤧 this video came across my feed at the perfect timing because I am looking for ways to better my relationship after multiple almost break ups. So I just got a reality check that I need to stop using these phrases. Thank you for this knowledge Steph. You are greatly appreciated 🙏🏾
Very helpful video! Subscribed! Will share with my Husband! 🙌🏾
This was a real eye opener. Really Appreciate your channel and your input and advice thank you very much
Thank you for posting this video. This is my first video on your channel. You truly spoke with elegance, class, and truth. I appreciate all the work you put into this video.
that last one "calm down" is really good, i really didnt consider anything of it when ive done it but it makes sense everytime its gone wrong. im glad i watched this even though im in a perfect relationship lol. ill have to try this better next time
I love the sponsor of this video because it is not some random app you say you use but rather it is something that you (and pretty much anybody) really use
I love these kinds of videos ❤️ I like to save or make mental notes about them so I can rewatch. I didn’t have good examples of relationships growing up so navigating what’s healthy and what’s not hasn’t always been the easiest
My ex would always say "you should" whenever i would say i was stressed or having a bad day. I told him i just want you to listen to me and say im sorry and its ok. Very validating to hear it said here as well
These are all so helpful and relatable! thank you for sharing.
I really appreciate your advice about mimicking a calm attitude to help someone calm down. I’ve had this discussion with my bf before about how the words “calm down” are not helpful but I didn’t really have a suggestion as to what else to do alternatively. Luckily, neither of us are hot headed but we have competitive spirits.
The main reason I dislike people saying “calm down” is because it’s usually an interruption into the discussion flow, whether or not you cut someone off or waited for them to give you a chance to speak. Saying calm down isn’t necessary unless the other person is yelling in public, slurring their words, or turning red/purple. Also, saying “calm down” is a command. It’s not usually appropriate, in the midst of a discussion, to fire off a command. It’s hard to remember when the person you’re talking to is upset but that other person is trying to have a discussion. I don’t know if this is how it works for other people, but this is what I’ve learned: if you value the relationship, answer to the messages conveyed not the emotions conveyed.
100% hit the nail on the last sentence !
I think this is the reason why we never stop arguing 😩 thanks for this I feel attacked
So true 👏🏾 love this channel ❤
thank you for this, my relationship is very healthy overall. I realized that we use some of these, i will share this vid with him. There's always space for growth and it's better when we grow together
communication starts by feeling safe and knowing words are just words, no matter what they cannot hurt.
So far, I know I’ve done the “little” thing. I honestly can’t remember the scenario, but I remember telling my partner that something was cute, or not negative. But I can’t remember, so I can be open to being in the wrong.
After listening to the whole video, my partner does most of these. I’m pushing for couples counseling.
Great, useful information!
Thank you for reaffirming to me how watch those statements are damaging to relationships. My ex used a lot of those. This clarifies to me how much I was not the one with the problem and I don't need to reflect further. I don't need to internalize his emotional immaturity.
Dropping 💎 💎 💎!!
Very helpful…thank you!
I’m so glad you youngsters ( relative to me), are so much more self aware!!! 💛✨be well
My partner used to not like the tone of my voice whenever I got upset. He would insist that I should be able to speak without any emotion in my voice. Then he would use the "calm down"-thing. It made me absolutly furious every single time.
I completely relate to your frustration 😭 I’m sorry you go through this as well
Thank you Thank you for your knowledge 🙏
I've already listened and written down in my journal to remember.
I'm dealing with infidelity...PTSD, among so many other childhood trauma that has shown up.
I know I am healing. I'm
Pleased to have discovered your channel .
Bless you and your passion to help.
My partner and I are guilty with some of these. I tend to say “you never” or “you always” or “well that’s dumb”. He tends to belittle my feelings but not like on purpose.
Honestly, the only person whom I can think of who actually uses the better phrases is my best friend. Talk about a strong emotional intelligence. I’m proud of her ^_^ she’s always had an old soul and been so mature for her age
Hmm I say “I’m done” quite often when I can see we are going in a circle for an hr or more, or that we can’t get through to each other. I always meant “I’m done with this conversation”. I see now how it can be taken in a much diff. Way… just found your channel today and I like the way you present the info. Some like to throw way too many technical terms out there. For someone just working in their relationship, the way you go about explaining things is very helpful. Ty 😄
My husband is starting his healing journey, he has said the “always” and “never” phrases to me & of course I’ve given him grace in certain situations, but more times than not it blows up way out of proportion…it “always” seems to be something that I don’t do right. & when I receive this information I feel blindsided…when I express my feelings about what his issues are with me to him in ways like “I feel”…he still gets defensive when I bring up my feelings to him. It’s extremely frustrating to have him get defensive/upset at me about how he makes me feel. I end up feeling bad for making him feel bad that he made me feel bad….OMGGG 🙃 I just want him to talk to you so bad Steph! Just found you today & I love your content!
I appreciate this. Subscribed
Love your videos! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Great vid. Regarding the comparison aspect, it can for sure go past comparing other marriages and relationships. I get alot of comparison to mom and grandmother and that just really triggers me. I am guilty of giving the solutions or offering a contrary/devil's advocate opinion when all he wants to do is vent.
This was a great video, made me reflect on previous relationships and my current one and how I can communicate clearer when emotions are high on both sides
This week I told my boyfriend: "I think I know what you are going to say" and immediately felt like an idiot. Thank you for the video because I am a sensible man and so is my partner and I am not into speaking in a way that makes him feel less. Awesome video!!
Not sure why this popped up in my recommended but I'm glad it did. I've tried explaining these things impact all kinds of relationships to both family and friends & I don't think they'll listen to anyone they know personally about these things.
wow! i just heard here we go again last week when i bought up something that's been on my mind for the past 7months
Also, “Don't do that...” I've heard this in a disagreement I had with a co-worker, and it upset me that he didn't like how the conversation was going. I was sharing an experience with him, and as the conversation was getting intense, I heard that, and I said, what do you mean don't do that? So what does that mean from a therapist's perspective view?
This hits me hard. My husband uses all of the trigger phrases. That’s dumb, you always, leave me alone, etc. Understanding why they are triggers helps me tremendously.
Also "calm down" can give off the feeling that you're not being listed to, you're not being taken seriously, and/or your feeling aren't valid. If youre upset with someone and you're expressing that, you don't want to hear what sounds like "stop being upset"
It’s calming for me to just listen to you speaking ❤
Incredibly good advice. 🔥 I'm also someone to likes to give advice, so a good way to approach it is to ask the person whether they want advice or just a listening ear/shoulder to lean on. Definitely helps me avoid making the person feel worse.
I definitely used to do a lot of these until I did a lot of self reflection and practiced communicating my emotions rather than projecting them. It gets easier with practice.
Learning from my own mistakes ❤️
I like that these work for all relationships, not just romantic ones
My husband tried to start an argument with me today and I stayed calm to the best and f my ability. I chose to not let him get me work up because I realize he was trying to say I was doing things that I wasn’t and he didn’t want to listen to me talking to him rationally. Then he said it’s whatever and proceeded to do whatever he was doing. Then later he came to apologize saying he wasn’t trying to make me upset and I told him I wasn’t because I am control of my feelings now and I choose not to be upset. I wanted him to go to couples therapy but he doesn’t want to. I decided to work on me and accept myself.
Another phrase is "it's okay" depending the tone it's said in or how you use it depending the location and environment
just binge watch your channel...... please keep posting you are amaizing!!!!!!
I really struggle with defaulting to "maybe you should just," and it's sometimes really hard to catch myself because I know on some level that's a deeply rooted trauma response making me feel like I need to fix it. For myself, taking a moment and asking "what do you need from me? Is there anything I can do to help?" And just, being that emotional support in the moment is often a great substitute, though obviously every situation and relationship is different. Best of luck out there yall!
I feel like this one is a bit different from the rest, like you, I tend to do this for the same reason, this rooted trauma of fixing things. And although it's not the best thing to do or say, it has an intention in helping even if it's not what they need.
You’re out here doing gods work
Ive had friendships fall apart because we had different apology languages. I have the " taking responsibility" one, and they had "ask for forgiveness"
I get really irritates with "ask for forgiveness" cause it feels like I'm Begging, or flip side: that someone is avoiding what they really did. however If someone takes responsibility, BAM I never even have to hear "Im sorry" to forgive them.
I've had others say that "taking responsibility" feels disingenuous to them because they don't feel like Im truly remorseful.
Since the friend ship fell apart in the horrible way it did, i now use all 5 until I know someone else's apology language
Thank you so much for this. My partner and I really needed this guidance. I have been attempting to communicate some of these issues to him to no avail. I shared your video and asked him to please watch it so that we can discuss some of our obstacles with this tool. Have a great day and thank you for your guidance, sis ❤️