Dear lord, this came at a really needed point in my life. I'm about to remove myself from the house I grew up in, and this is for sure helpful for when the distance between us allows the healing needed to mend the relationship back. Thank you so much! The intro and outro song is beautiful and goes along nicely with your channel. Much love to you!
This came at the perfect time for me, thank you. I have a mother who immigrated here to the US when she was quite young to support her family back home, and so her deep emotional attachment and commitment to her family is something she expects from me too. But this commitment to her family has prevented her her whole life from being happy and having a life of her own and a lot of this resentment was taken out on me throughout my life. I think she was also resentful of me because she became pregnant with me at a young age, and so her entire life has never been about her, always about family. It breaks my heart that she was always unhappy and unsupported, but I know I have the right to my own life and as harsh as it sounds she made her choices, just as I am making mine today. I am seeking therapy though and finally booked an appointment for August but this has been a great comfort to me. Thank you for reminding me I can set boundaries. Thank you
I’m so glad to hear that you’re choosing to create a happy life for yourself and learn from what you perceive to be the mistakes of others. We only get one chance at this life, and I support your determination not to waste it. Thank you for sharing your story ♥️
This has been a very insightful video for me. I saw you in that GQ video on Couple Fights, and followed you here. Thank you for sharing your content! I hope your channel grows. Due to the pandemic, I had to move back with my family. It's been a difficult year since I can't enforce boundaries without getting the fact that I'm financially dependent on them brought up. I feel as if I have no right to speak in this house. I never wanted to be in this position in the first place, but it is what it is. I'm working towards a future to avoid being dependent on them. Your video helps me feel I'm not insane for having these feelings. Thank you!
I had to do this when my mother became extremely emotionally abusive after I was failing my professional exam to be a lawyer. I forced boundaries with how much time I spend talking with her or around her, even when she's gaslighting me and emotionally blackmailing me out of my decision to maintain distance from her. I was also dealing with the trauma of insults on my value and worth from my father. Double whammy. Thankfully I managed to move out with the help of my ex partner. That happened around 4-5 years ago and the impact still lingers, I still do my best in healing myself with my counselor, online resources and spiritual practice. It's so important for you to know that no one is entitled to cross your boundaries, no matter who they are and use your resentments towards them as an indication that, you've got love in there for yourself, that you deserve to be treated respectfully and with kindness. Even if they don't understand you, and don't expect people to be able to understand you all the time, I just knew I have to take matters into my own hands and do the internal work myself. You're responsible for your own healing. They're responsible for their own healing.
I experienced the exact opposite; my brother’s wife used to involve my parents and me into her married business. My brother and his wife used to argue in front us and she and her grown daughter even attacked my brother in front us. We had to restrain her and her daughter and told my brother to walk away. That was one of the most disgusting confrontations I ever witnessed. I still speak with my brother but I had to cut all communication with his wife because she does not understand and respect boundaries and I do not to be involved in their toxicity.
@@LM-he7eb She would attempt to involve us in her marital problems with my brother. The family wasn’t involved in their decision to get married so keep the family out of marital issues as well. She fought with him in front of my family at a member’s house. When I say fight, I mean a physical altercation. That is completely disrespectful and disgusting behavior. Nobody needs negative energy around them.
Hey, I just want to thank you for making these videos. As someone who started going to therapy because of family issues and traumas, also who's just been dealing with those issues horribly lately since thr entire household is in chaos rn, you're a lifesaver. Thank you! ❤️
I grew up hearing that I am the "good girl of the family". So now I understand why it's so difficult to me to know what I want...because all I must want are what my family sees its "right" And being a girl that likes to wear "boys clothes", doing "boy things" and a non Cristian, it's difficult to just be myself around my family, and express my feelings Most of my clothes are girly clothes, because my mom prefers that way, but I don't blame her... I'm glad that after therapy I can at least understand more things about me
This sounds a lot like my partners family. We moved out a year and half ago and there’s constantly a family dinner or event if you don’t go you feel like you’ve really hurt the family. It’s just not safe to go right now with covid it’s making us feel so guilty but we’re just trying to keep them safe
COVID has definitely made these sort of family dynamics more obvious. You know that you’re doing the right thing for them even if they don’t. (Btw, I’m in Hufflepuff too!)
Oh my goodness exactly how my husband's family is. I feel like it's a good idea not to attend everything so that you don't get them used to it. Every other month there is some type of celebration or gathering and as it is I'm not a person that likes to be around many people too often. I didn't go to one gathering and was asked what they did to me and if I have a problem let them know. I was so annoyed and was like, no..... I just can't attend every gathering I have other things to do to ( but sometimes I just don't want to do anything but relax at home)
this hits close to home (literally ahah) I'm close to finishing pre-u and gonna enter university soon but I'm worried about the possibilities of needing to move out for my well being because my parents have been damaging to my mental health for years yet I'm attached to them because there has been (few but appreciated) good times with them but 90% of the time i feel like i should get out thank you for this 💜
I found you via the GQ video you did, and thank GOD I did. I have a very meddlesome extended family that I've already had to distance myself from (only really seeing them on major holidays), but now that my husband and I are TTC I'm having to think of new boundaries to set for myself and our growing family.
Thank you! Such a great topic! Now I know why it is necessary that my childhood family is riped apart, including my daugter. Everything was so meshed up! Everyone needs their own space - also me as a mother - to become a person that they are meant to be.
what are your tips for being around and dealing with those family members that you HAVE TO be around and you know they are the people that trigger everything you have issues with? For instance, a cousin that is at every family event, but always triggers me in every situation.
You could cut your time at the event or don't go at all, limit being around them specifically..but I'd identify my triggers and have a response (not a reaction) to give if opportunity presents itself so you're not cought off guard..they'll eventually get tired...or you could just ignore them and they'll have no one to go bck and forth with (reacting) and look silly in front of others cause they're listening & waiting believe me lol .. and u will look be looking cool calm collected 😁
This video was very eye opening and helpful. I'm starting to see things that I have been blind to for years. I knew something was off, but I didn't know what it was or how to fix it.
The enmeshment can definitely happen a lot with parents that are single or divorced or unhappily married I see it a lot with being enmeshed with their sons which is disgusting and hurts them in the long run but can also happen with women too and it effects their adulthood and dating life it’s all so much
I just have a question, how is it that family has the ability to give you the most amount of love and the most amount of anguish at the same time? Whenever I am annoyed at my family, it is far different than when I am annoyed at my friends. What they say affects me so much more and I am not sure what to do in that regard, I want to be emotionally prepared but every time I try to stay calm I always end up losing my composure.
THIS. My ENTIRE family is toxic. I can't do ANYTHING without them coming at me over it. It's tiresome and needs to stop, but it won't until I leave this country.
Omg this was so helpful. My Korean mil made me almost go crazy. I finally realized she was the toxic one and not me. She destroyed a part of my marriage. This exp look dibs a lot..
Being a parent does not come with a book. Moms are humans and carry the burden unlike the dad. This society is so full of it, parents cannot parent anymore, they have to walk on eggshells. I was neglected as a child and abused, but I still respected my mom and dad. I realized they themselves were victims in their life.
Thank you so much for this video! I am currently dealing with toxic children and family members in general 😞 I am in counseling and they won’t go😭 I can’t change them so I withdrew my energy and am putting my focus on myself and those that deserve my energy 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Re: My previous comment about hallucinogens...my understanding is that it resets the brain (shake the etch-a-sketch or snowglobe) and allows one to remember repressed memories without reliving the trauma, thus allowing a person to get over that hurdle. Additionally, it gives users a sense of one-ness with the world and helps alleviate the fear of dying, which is really good for terminally ill patients. More than a recreational drug, it really seems like a tool for healing and it also SEEMS to me that it might be able to accomplish in 1 day, what therapy may take years to do. I think the hallucinogens have to be taken in an appropriate environment and mindset (hopefully sustainably too...synthetic Bufo Alvarius) and in conjunction with therapy afterwards...but I would hope it's another tool in a therapists bag.
Thanks for that! Sounds like it could be a bit risky if the client remembers more than they’re ready to process. Sometimes our subconscious protects from trauma so that we can function. Too much too soon could be dangerous for mental health. A similar technique without the hallucinogens would be hypnosis.
I lost both my parents when I was 12/13 and I have been feeling like I should play both the role of sibling and parent to my sister. Sometimes the being a parent part is a lot because I also feel I need a parent and recently (I'm turning 29 n xs 26) I just want to be her sibling but Im scared I'm abandoning her. I get emotional just thinking about it
So I’ve been cheated on I’ve cheated but we have been together for 7 years and I don’t cheat at all anymore but I still catch my partner here and their the most part is the lying and not admitting or taking ownership then makes me look crazy when i have facts how do i deal with this? I have tried the I method, I have tried different approaches, but I just can’t sweep things under rug and as well I can’t say nothing is wrong when clearly it is due to us not doing anything the same like I have the spice but my partner doesn’t I desire her but she doesn’t desire me, and it’s making me feel really low.
I'd love some kind of insight. My husband's friends came to visit and one of his friends is so negative and condescending, and my husband has been increasingly negative and sarcastic towards me. I scheduled their trip for my husband's birthday and so I've felt like I shouldn't be negative or talk about how I've felt so abandoned or hurt by their attitudes. I finally "ran" away as it were to my parents house and stayed with them for a few days, but I'm getting triggered left and right by him and I tried to tell him a little of how I feel but I feel like I'm just "ruining" his vacation time. (something he told me the first time they visited, 3 years ago in our relationship. we had a loooong talk about why that kind of language was not okay.) But I'm not sure if this is something I'm doing wrong or he is. I feel so stumped.
I'm gonna take a layman's stab at this...I read his actions as being passive aggressive and resentful. Maybe he imagines his life being way better if he just kept hanging out with the guys. The negative friend also sounds bitter and resentful...and being around that is maybe triggering his own feelings? It doesn't sound like you deserve to be the target of resentment, but there are probably unhealthy systematic ways of relating to eachother that you both contribute to. Your husband probably has a completely different take on what happened. If it's a relationship worth saving, hopefully you both put in the work. Even if your husband is unhappy with his life, if he's not willing to talk about it or do anything meaningful to change, you'll either have to accept it or make changes for yourself. All easier said than done. Good luck.
@@skippitydodah6170 Oh jeez, I hope my read is more accurate than not, but like Steph Anya says, using "I feel" language vs "you're doing this" should help minimize defensiveness. But it'll still probably be a terrible conversation to have. Maybe informing him that you say this video, it brought up issues you'd like to discuss but couldn't verbalize/understand until now, and you want him to watch the video too so you can discuss things you'd both like to get off your chests when he's ready.
I would like to find out what I can do if I’m triggered by someone’s subtle actions for example a family member who I’m staying with who has a high pitched tone laugh that I always feel like they’re laughing at me
Dear lord, this came at a really needed point in my life. I'm about to remove myself from the house I grew up in, and this is for sure helpful for when the distance between us allows the healing needed to mend the relationship back. Thank you so much! The intro and outro song is beautiful and goes along nicely with your channel. Much love to you!
I’m wishing you and your family the healthy the relationship that we all desire. Thank you for this kind comment ♥️
This came at the perfect time for me, thank you. I have a mother who immigrated here to the US when she was quite young to support her family back home, and so her deep emotional attachment and commitment to her family is something she expects from me too. But this commitment to her family has prevented her her whole life from being happy and having a life of her own and a lot of this resentment was taken out on me throughout my life. I think she was also resentful of me because she became pregnant with me at a young age, and so her entire life has never been about her, always about family. It breaks my heart that she was always unhappy and unsupported, but I know I have the right to my own life and as harsh as it sounds she made her choices, just as I am making mine today. I am seeking therapy though and finally booked an appointment for August but this has been a great comfort to me. Thank you for reminding me I can set boundaries. Thank you
I’m so glad to hear that you’re choosing to create a happy life for yourself and learn from what you perceive to be the mistakes of others. We only get one chance at this life, and I support your determination not to waste it. Thank you for sharing your story ♥️
This has been a very insightful video for me. I saw you in that GQ video on Couple Fights, and followed you here. Thank you for sharing your content! I hope your channel grows.
Due to the pandemic, I had to move back with my family. It's been a difficult year since I can't enforce boundaries without getting the fact that I'm financially dependent on them brought up. I feel as if I have no right to speak in this house. I never wanted to be in this position in the first place, but it is what it is. I'm working towards a future to avoid being dependent on them.
Your video helps me feel I'm not insane for having these feelings. Thank you!
I had to do this when my mother became extremely emotionally abusive after I was failing my professional exam to be a lawyer. I forced boundaries with how much time I spend talking with her or around her, even when she's gaslighting me and emotionally blackmailing me out of my decision to maintain distance from her. I was also dealing with the trauma of insults on my value and worth from my father. Double whammy. Thankfully I managed to move out with the help of my ex partner. That happened around 4-5 years ago and the impact still lingers, I still do my best in healing myself with my counselor, online resources and spiritual practice. It's so important for you to know that no one is entitled to cross your boundaries, no matter who they are and use your resentments towards them as an indication that, you've got love in there for yourself, that you deserve to be treated respectfully and with kindness. Even if they don't understand you, and don't expect people to be able to understand you all the time, I just knew I have to take matters into my own hands and do the internal work myself. You're responsible for your own healing. They're responsible for their own healing.
from someone who is planning a wedding sometime soon (as soon as the conditions allow it), this video is perfectly timed lol
Haha! Always happy to hear that!
I experienced the exact opposite; my brother’s wife used to involve my parents and me into her married business. My brother and his wife used to argue in front us and she and her grown daughter even attacked my brother in front us. We had to restrain her and her daughter and told my brother to walk away. That was one of the most disgusting confrontations I ever witnessed. I still speak with my brother but I had to cut all communication with his wife because she does not understand and respect boundaries and I do not to be involved in their toxicity.
Wait, how is her fighting with her husband showing a lack of boundary for her husband's sister?
@@LM-he7eb She would attempt to involve us in her marital problems with my brother. The family wasn’t involved in their decision to get married so keep the family out of marital issues as well. She fought with him in front of my family at a member’s house. When I say fight, I mean a physical altercation. That is completely disrespectful and disgusting behavior. Nobody needs negative energy around them.
Hey, I just want to thank you for making these videos. As someone who started going to therapy because of family issues and traumas, also who's just been dealing with those issues horribly lately since thr entire household is in chaos rn, you're a lifesaver. Thank you! ❤️
I created my boundaries but they are not respected by my mother! I don’t want to c her at all. I’m judged and criticized and she does not care.
I grew up hearing that I am the "good girl of the family". So now I understand why it's so difficult to me to know what I want...because all I must want are what my family sees its "right"
And being a girl that likes to wear "boys clothes", doing "boy things" and a non Cristian, it's difficult to just be myself around my family, and express my feelings
Most of my clothes are girly clothes, because my mom prefers that way, but I don't blame her...
I'm glad that after therapy I can at least understand more things about me
This sounds a lot like my partners family. We moved out a year and half ago and there’s constantly a family dinner or event if you don’t go you feel like you’ve really hurt the family. It’s just not safe to go right now with covid it’s making us feel so guilty but we’re just trying to keep them safe
COVID has definitely made these sort of family dynamics more obvious. You know that you’re doing the right thing for them even if they don’t. (Btw, I’m in Hufflepuff too!)
Oh my goodness exactly how my husband's family is. I feel like it's a good idea not to attend everything so that you don't get them used to it. Every other month there is some type of celebration or gathering and as it is I'm not a person that likes to be around many people too often. I didn't go to one gathering and was asked what they did to me and if I have a problem let them know. I was so annoyed and was like, no..... I just can't attend every gathering I have other things to do to ( but sometimes I just don't want to do anything but relax at home)
Thank you Miss Stephanie for this. This was really helpful considering my circumstances.
I'm so glad!
this hits close to home (literally ahah)
I'm close to finishing pre-u and gonna enter university soon but I'm worried about the possibilities of needing to move out for my well being because my parents have been damaging to my mental health for years
yet I'm attached to them because there has been (few but appreciated) good times with them but 90% of the time i feel like i should get out
thank you for this 💜
I found you via the GQ video you did, and thank GOD I did. I have a very meddlesome extended family that I've already had to distance myself from (only really seeing them on major holidays), but now that my husband and I are TTC I'm having to think of new boundaries to set for myself and our growing family.
Steph Anya is baaacccckkk! 😊 Love this topic! Still working on creating better boundaries with family and friends.
Thank you! Such a great topic! Now I know why it is necessary that my childhood family is riped apart, including my daugter. Everything was so meshed up! Everyone needs their own space - also me as a mother - to become a person that they are meant to be.
what are your tips for being around and dealing with those family members that you HAVE TO be around and you know they are the people that trigger everything you have issues with? For instance, a cousin that is at every family event, but always triggers me in every situation.
You could cut your time at the event or don't go at all, limit being around them specifically..but I'd identify my triggers and have a response (not a reaction) to give if opportunity presents itself so you're not cought off guard..they'll eventually get tired...or you could just ignore them and they'll have no one to go bck and forth with (reacting) and look silly in front of others cause they're listening & waiting believe me lol .. and u will look be looking cool calm collected 😁
This video was very eye opening and helpful. I'm starting to see things that I have been blind to for years. I knew something was off, but I didn't know what it was or how to fix it.
The enmeshment can definitely happen a lot with parents that are single or divorced or unhappily married I see it a lot with being enmeshed with their sons which is disgusting and hurts them in the long run but can also happen with women too and it effects their adulthood and dating life it’s all so much
Please do a video on PTSD and/or C-PTSD with the family dynamic
I just have a question, how is it that family has the ability to give you the most amount of love and the most amount of anguish at the same time? Whenever I am annoyed at my family, it is far different than when I am annoyed at my friends. What they say affects me so much more and I am not sure what to do in that regard, I want to be emotionally prepared but every time I try to stay calm I always end up losing my composure.
THIS. My ENTIRE family is toxic. I can't do ANYTHING without them coming at me over it. It's tiresome and needs to stop, but it won't until I leave this country.
Omg this was so helpful. My Korean mil made me almost go crazy. I finally realized she was the toxic one and not me. She destroyed a part of my marriage. This exp look dibs a lot..
This is great. Love your channel :)
Being a parent does not come with a book. Moms are humans and carry the burden unlike the dad. This society is so full of it, parents cannot parent anymore, they have to walk on eggshells. I was neglected as a child and abused, but I still respected my mom and dad. I realized they themselves were victims in their life.
You are fire, lady, thank You for your work!
Thank you for watching!
Very helpful and validating! Thank you!
Love this. Some great advice.
Thank you so much for this video! I am currently dealing with toxic children and family members in general 😞 I am in counseling and they won’t go😭 I can’t change them so I withdrew my energy and am putting my focus on myself and those that deserve my energy 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Pls make a part 2
I think is a great topic! Thanks for the insight!
Re: My previous comment about hallucinogens...my understanding is that it resets the brain (shake the etch-a-sketch or snowglobe) and allows one to remember repressed memories without reliving the trauma, thus allowing a person to get over that hurdle. Additionally, it gives users a sense of one-ness with the world and helps alleviate the fear of dying, which is really good for terminally ill patients. More than a recreational drug, it really seems like a tool for healing and it also SEEMS to me that it might be able to accomplish in 1 day, what therapy may take years to do. I think the hallucinogens have to be taken in an appropriate environment and mindset (hopefully sustainably too...synthetic Bufo Alvarius) and in conjunction with therapy afterwards...but I would hope it's another tool in a therapists bag.
Thanks for that! Sounds like it could be a bit risky if the client remembers more than they’re ready to process. Sometimes our subconscious protects from trauma so that we can function. Too much too soon could be dangerous for mental health. A similar technique without the hallucinogens would be hypnosis.
I lost both my parents when I was 12/13 and I have been feeling like I should play both the role of sibling and parent to my sister. Sometimes the being a parent part is a lot because I also feel I need a parent and recently (I'm turning 29 n xs 26) I just want to be her sibling but Im scared I'm abandoning her. I get emotional just thinking about it
Thank you for making these videos.
Thank you for watching ♥️
His mother told him to stay and not get a job promotion. Now his mother is telling him that I’m too young and to end the relationship. What to do
Thank you so much for this video.
Love this. Thank you
Damn when u said ur moms story is how u relieved her from blame, I felt that in the 5th dimension lmao
😂 we’re kindred spirits I see
So I’ve been cheated on I’ve cheated but we have been together for 7 years and I don’t cheat at all anymore but I still catch my partner here and their the most part is the lying and not admitting or taking ownership then makes me look crazy when i have facts how do i deal with this? I have tried the I method, I have tried different approaches, but I just can’t sweep things under rug and as well I can’t say nothing is wrong when clearly it is due to us not doing anything the same like I have the spice but my partner doesn’t I desire her but she doesn’t desire me, and it’s making me feel really low.
Thank you for your videos!
Thank you for watching!
Thank you so much!
I'd love some kind of insight. My husband's friends came to visit and one of his friends is so negative and condescending, and my husband has been increasingly negative and sarcastic towards me. I scheduled their trip for my husband's birthday and so I've felt like I shouldn't be negative or talk about how I've felt so abandoned or hurt by their attitudes. I finally "ran" away as it were to my parents house and stayed with them for a few days, but I'm getting triggered left and right by him and I tried to tell him a little of how I feel but I feel like I'm just "ruining" his vacation time. (something he told me the first time they visited, 3 years ago in our relationship. we had a loooong talk about why that kind of language was not okay.) But I'm not sure if this is something I'm doing wrong or he is. I feel so stumped.
I'm gonna take a layman's stab at this...I read his actions as being passive aggressive and resentful. Maybe he imagines his life being way better if he just kept hanging out with the guys. The negative friend also sounds bitter and resentful...and being around that is maybe triggering his own feelings? It doesn't sound like you deserve to be the target of resentment, but there are probably unhealthy systematic ways of relating to eachother that you both contribute to. Your husband probably has a completely different take on what happened. If it's a relationship worth saving, hopefully you both put in the work. Even if your husband is unhappy with his life, if he's not willing to talk about it or do anything meaningful to change, you'll either have to accept it or make changes for yourself. All easier said than done. Good luck.
@@davehan241 Thank you for the insight. I will give this a lot of thought and try talking to him again. Thank you!
@@skippitydodah6170 Oh jeez, I hope my read is more accurate than not, but like Steph Anya says, using "I feel" language vs "you're doing this" should help minimize defensiveness. But it'll still probably be a terrible conversation to have. Maybe informing him that you say this video, it brought up issues you'd like to discuss but couldn't verbalize/understand until now, and you want him to watch the video too so you can discuss things you'd both like to get off your chests when he's ready.
@@skippitydodah6170 Ohhh, and maybe delete this comment before you share the video...
Great video
I would like to find out what I can do if I’m triggered by someone’s subtle actions for example a family member who I’m staying with who has a high pitched tone laugh that I always feel like they’re laughing at me
I'm here after GQ video. You are amazing!
Thanks so much!
morning world blistfull
subscribers to this channel are criminally low :|