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Trauma Bonded With Shame| Why It's Hard to LET GO of Toxic Relationships
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Trauma Bonded With Shame| Why It's So Hard To Heal After Toxic Relationship
Hello Thrivers today I'm talking about shame. And honestly there are so many things we can say about shame but for the sake of this video I want to focus on when shame is part of the trauma bond that maybe you had in childhood with a narcissistic parent or a parent that was unemotionally available or had addictions or even an emotionally unavailable parent. If there was shame in that parent and they interacted with shame it can cause a trauma bond where shame is the template of every relationship that you wind up having in your future and this can include the relationship you have with yourself. It can be so interlaced with shame tht it almost feels like its impossible to have any relationship without it. I'm hoping with this video you will understand why it's hard to let go of certain relationships that we know aren't healthy. It could be a toxic parent relationship, significant other that has npd narcissistic personality disorder. Why do you strive harder to get someone hurting you to care. I'm hoping this video clears that up and I want to give you tips on what you can do to start changing that template. Because any relationship that has shame as its foundation is not going to be healthy event he relationship you have with yourself. For those that don't know me my name is Michele Lee Nieves I'm a life and relationship coach specializing in complex ptsd, narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma recovery. I'm also the founder of the Thrivers School of Transformation with is a monthly membership where we meet live on zoom and work through the side effects of narcissistic abuse, complex ptsd and childhood trauma together!!!!
trauma bonded with shame, signs of trauma bond, how shame bonds make it hard to let go of toxic people, trauma bonded with narcissistic family member, trauma bonded at work, healing the shame wound, narcissistic family dynamics, how unhealed trauma affects your relationships, how unhealed trauma keeps you bonded with people that mistreat you
As a man I suffered in silence because society portray men as the abuser , tough and without emotions . But I swear we too shed tears and have to burry our shame deep within . How could I ever explain what happened to me. How could I allow myself to be used and abused and tolerate being so disrespected. There’s no one to turn too because they’ll never understand. Therefore we suffer and grieve in silence
I can understand this. Recently in the School of Transformation we had a breathwork session and one of the guys in the group shared. All of the women in the group always comment how helpful it is to see many guys on the same healing journey and sharing..... it helps them to always remember that it is not only men that abuse and that they too can be victims of abuse. In fact it can be harder for guys because they often feel as if they do not have the support they need.. as you mentioned. If you are looking for support I encourage you at some point to check out the Thrivers School of Transformation. It is currently closed for enrollement but will reopen Feb 1st to 7th - even if you just join for the 7 day free trial - you might be surprised to see theres a great bunch of men and women that are on this healing journey together, encouraging each other each step of the way =D
I understand your feeling of or actually the knowing of that there's no one to turn to or fully understands. I have a few who understand some but it's a tightrope. I've had to be sure I have enough truth on my side that no one who doesn't believe, some will never, but I don't care about people anymore that might doubt or not want to see what has been my reality, it's what can be proven that counts.
One of my sons was especially able to defend himself from bullies in school….he even beat up a gang leader, because he was cornered. He never sought out the fights….they came to him.
When he grew up and married, his wife was a…..’large’ woman, and was physically abusive to him. He was humiliated! He knew better than to hit a woman…..but this was ridiculous! It wasn’t because he couldn’t defend himself, or that he didn’t know how….he was raised to not beat on a woman. Period. So this was really stripping the gears in his mind as to how to deal with this.
Fortunately, they divorced. Thank goodness! Because my son knew that if he whooped her back, he would end up in prison! He had anger issues that gave him a phenomenal adrenaline rush when he got angry…..it gave him amazing strength! Like the Hulk! Pure rage! And he had been working on taming that side of himself, before he was married.
I understand how humiliating a narcissistically abusive woman can make a man feel. Society as a whole doesn’t make it very easy either.
My sister is a narcissistic psychopath. I don’t have anymore to do with her. There are narcissistic psychopaths that are men in our family too. I have had to leave them all to themselves.
I hope you find the help to know that there is no shame on you. Those who are always striving to learn and grow and be better everyday, are doing the hard work to not only make their own lives better, but for those around them. As for those who don’t appreciate that, because they are abusive narcissists, I think we are all learning to walk away from these types, a lot faster now. Screw ‘em. There is no shame in showing ourselves healthy self-care, in cutting these types out of our lives.
Oh, they’ll call us names and try to shame us….that’s their style. But once we know what it is that we are dealing with now, we can just look at them and smile when they are insulting us…..and walk away forever. This freaks them out. 😊 They don’t know how to respond, other than to hurl more insults. The more you smile and walk away in peace, the angrier they get. It’s amazing.
I didn’t know about the term “Trauma Bond” until I learned my husband was a Narc. He’s been gone 8 months now with no contact and it’s felt horrible! It’s felt like a death! I’ve lost my husband and was blindsided by his actions. My son lost his dad in the process. I had no idea what was to come and it’s been sheer HELL! I pray to break this bond and I keep reaching for the light and a way out. I want this to be over so bad so I can love myself again. I know my son is hurting too. It’s not fair and I’m ashamed that I didn’t pay attention to ALL the RED FLAGS that I saw.
Yes, absolutely spot on! I remember when I got engaged, that feeling of joy for a millisecond was taken over by "what is my mother going to think?" My parents were the last people we told about our engagement, and I never felt so much anxiety and shame. It's been a life long battle of that feeling...
This is spot on in regards to my own self evaluated cycles of depression. The emotional memory triggers and pathways are very real in myself that
The most powerful thing you said that hit me was, "Your child mind goes to the toxic person to get help to not feeling the shame. So the thought of leaving is so scary because all you have is this child mind. In the relationship it's like child and adult. We're looking to this person to help us with our emotional needs. Children need adults to help them regulate their emotions." Mind blown...both sides lol
The more numb and less I talk to her, it's working and she is doing less crazy to me, but it seems like it's starting to feed her more when I act neutral around her. Not happy, not mad. But after a couple months, I feel she is starting to feel better about herself because it appears that maybe I'm downgraded. Even tho it's just an act at home. I'm confused, because everything I do that seems to help is only temporary and she figures out how to get around it. It's wired how I can never get an upper hand, other than the fact that she doesn't know the divorce papers are ready to serve yet, while I wait for the right time to follow thru with it.
Understand that it will continue to be hard. It takes a long time to understand and heal. During that time she'll regroup and come from a different angle because you're a caring person. I gave my sister chance after chance and she'll start teeny tiny steps, small as standing next to me until I finally after months fall into the "she's learned and is on my side, my champ" I'm thinking. Then I realize she's gotten all my passwords, is cyber stalking me and has been putting to others the narrative that she cares so much and tries so hard to help poor poor pitiful me. Set boundaries and keep them.
Shaming is good for no one especially coming from an envious narcissist that never changes
Checking yourself or someone else is much different than blaming and shaming Of course we all know the narcissist can do no wrong That’s why their never miserable right? Thank you Michele 🕊
Thank you for your efforts to set people free. Today was an eye opener for me and hopefully the start to a journey of healing. A dozen light bulbs went off in my head today.
Hello Michele, Another Amazing Video, Thank You......... it felt like you were telling my story. Having a Shame Wound makes so much sense.......... this is my Complete Story, it's just so Wonderful to know.........I want to cry right now, because I've lived this way, I've been on that Hamster Wheel so long, I've not known another way, so Thank You, Michele!!!♡
I ca,e from a place of shame and my ex used that against me and also set me up so she could layer it on
They will use old wounds against you especially if you have had a seedy past before you met them
set the boundary of over sharing
“Getting someone to care” is consciously aware of but the triggers come unannounced and the remedies of dealing with this takes priority to regulate the body & mind (survival). 🤷🏽♂️
Thanking you for speaking out on Shame wound. Your understanding and explanation is so helpful.
This is useful to me but in a different way. I have CPTSD sustained as a young adult by narcissists. Since then I've had talk therapy and many therapists have invaded me or gaslighted me. I've just started with a new EMDR therapist and my mind has gone into crazy survival mode and makes me want to sabotage but I won't. I felt just like that when leaving my job and the narcissist boss I was romantically involved with, initially via r@pe, too.
Yes, I felt completely unconditionally loved and supported by my parents 100% AND I felt worthy UNTIL I got sent to school. It was my peers at school, even in 1st grade, that made me feel unworthy, unloved, unwanted - I got told the reason why they were so mean to me was that I was born. I don't think the effects of school are given enough attention. It's not always parents. By the time I was in high school, I couldn't speak. As an adult, I couldn't even register it in my brain when I was mistreated because I grew so accustomed to having to overlook being mistreated as I was sent back into an abusive environment 5 days a week during my entire schooling experience. It wasn't that I chose to ignore red flags - I couldn't even see them at all. I had to re-learn how to recognize it when someone was mistreating me. I started doing that in 2014 and am pretty good at that now. I have a zero-tolerance 3-strike policy before someone is out of my life. Sometimes, especially with abusive doctors, 3 times is too much and too dangerous though, I've found.
I guess we all have different experiences. It was my parents and family who did their worst and school where I was safer. Best wishes.
@@katarinawright1228 Totally, I know. I've noticed that usually the abuse that goes on in the home by parents gets recognized though, but I listen to talks by this narcissistic abuse recovery coach and a lot of others literally every single day, and the abuse that goes on in school hardly ever gets mentioned or recognized, and that's what effed me up real bad. Best wishes to you too! Thanks!
Great video Michele. This one really resonates with me as I was my mother's scapegoat growing up. Everything you hit on here I know all too well. Except for the being the adult now to the child parts still inside me. I'm excited to take that on and to begin to integrate further in my healing. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you for this Michele!
Omg! Thank you...I really did think I was doomed to this 'crazy' way of being & why self love & care is becoming more & more impossible
You are described so well what I am going through right now. I am not allowing myself go to anyone for validation and I have felt more panicked than I ever have before. Even though many of my close relationships were unhealthy, they still occasionally expressed approval and I was dependent on that.
I also have been noticing that my left
Continued-. I've noticed that my left brain shuts off even when I try to remind myself my shame is not logical. The more ways I find to help myself, the more my brain resists my attempts. Healing definitely takes time and persistence.
I've found it frustrating as when I'm doing better I feel worse (?). It has taken time and I do fall back but the cream always rises to the top. I need regular support.
your videos have been helping so much Michele and I dont know how to thank you enough!
You've just nailed it, again! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your wisdom is incredible!
Yes, you have to give the gift of compassion to yourself first. You can not hope to heal or to love genuinely while harboring negativity towards your own character. To truly heal on a lasting basis, the relationship to yourself needs to be inspected and healed. Old adaptations that made sense at one time to keep us emotionally safe and protected, are now inappropriate and impinging on the enjoyment of our current reality.
As a result of narcissistic shame being laid upon us we have been brainwashed by the abuser to see ourselves as they have shown us to be by their facial expressions, words, acts, deeds and gestures. We see ourselves through the skewed prism of the narcissists perception. We had to accept this shared delusion to survive and have at least some basic connection to the disturbed parent. The narcissist could not handle or didnt like the authentic and free version of ourselves. They seek to control their environment, they use all means without empathy to gain this control and maintain a strict hierarchy in the family system.
A balanced self-regard is the spiritually healthy basis for relating to the world and to others with love and empathy. Self-forgiveness, feeling through and beyond the knotted mass of core shame, feeling through and out the other side, to the sunshine. Corny it may sound, but corny it isnt, to experience for oneself. Re-parent, re-lease, re-program.
Hello Michelle. Thank you for sharing your analysis on this topic. I have been researching on this and was observing my own patterns from long time. This video clears out my doubts and now I have my clarity with my own child hood patterns. Great work and keep posting. 👌👌
This is excellent.
Both my parents had traumatic chilhood but I think my mother has npd and my father was codependent. My eldest sister and my mother have always ruled our family.
You're stronger than you realize, keep doing your best. Promise.
This was by far the best vid I have seen on this topic. All I can say is Thank you.
Thank you for your brilliant insights and invaluable advice. God bless you❤
THanks so much for telling us it is generational.
Thank you, Michele! This Video is extremely helpful! Thank you so much! 💞
This is a very helpful information. Thank you so much 😊🥰
Thank you so much for this invaluable explanation. Very well described, and hoping to be able to implement it in my emotions and responses.
*Smiles
Authentic Hope that Grows Adjacently as I do, Modeling Better vs Begging our Youth to Respect themselves more than we Respect Ourselves ♡♡
Thank you for Modeling Better For Those of us Who once felt Hopeless♡
*Resource Monty Python
"I'm not Dead Yet, I feel Happpy!! ✌😁👍
I am Safe No Longer Just Surviving
Well said and yr locks looks gr8 wavy too 👍
Isn‘t shame rather a suppressive devaluating false standard, of how to react on and to express /supress of feeling and emotion, covered as a pseudo generalised social „standard of compliance“ with emotions ? Eg „harakiri“ as standing for the „appropriate“ honour of a knight, or japanese way of devote greeting.
Such a great video! Thankyou
I didn’t mean to text you during this profound video…😌
Thank you Michelle, I love your videos and as always this one is exceptional. Quick question, (context: I ran away from home 28 yrs ago and have been virtually no contact with the exception of my younger sister) every time I try to do something good for myself, my body physically shuts down or the universe will hurt me. For example, I will get debilitating migraines that can last as long as 14 consecutive days, or I will get sick or injured. For example, I took my dog to the dog park (me time) and another aggressive dog was there. It ran into me and broke my right leg. This was the weekend before I was starting school at USC ( a 1 hour commute) and I had to use my crutch to push the gas/brake pedals. Why is the universe making this so hard on me? How can I stop this strange karmic cycle? I have millions more examples and it's like every time the universe tries to brake me. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Big Hugs to everyone trying to heal!
Omg thats my situation
Has anyone here tried to join the monthly thrive group? I cannot do it. I have sent several messages explaining this and get no answer to this. It says sign in or sign up but can’t sign up. Also need to know day and time to make sure it fits my schedule
Hi Nancy - so currently the link to the School is set to private - enrollment does open again February 1st to the 5th. In that way when people join, they join at the beginning of the month and can benefit from the monthly theme without feeling 'behind' other members. The dates/times currently are:
Tuesdays 1:00 p.m. EDT - this is where we do the cognitive learning. Each monthly theme is like another piece to the puzzle and we meet live on zoom and work through it together.
Fridays at 4:00 p.m. EDT - we have EFT Sessions (emotional freedom technique) which is a somatic modality that helps train and rewire the nervous system as well as break paired associations that are limiting. EX: 'being happy is dangerous' that is a negative paired association.
Sundays at 1:00 p.m. EDT - we have breathwork sessions which is another somatic modality that helps release trauma from the body.
It's really the cognitive plus somatic modalities that, when combined, really help on this healing journey. The Tuesday meetings are recorded and put in the membership site. The other meetings are not recorded. All meetings are optional - everyone picks and chooses which ones benefit them the most.
I apologize for not getting back to you via email - I did see the email but had not had a chance to respond, my apologies!!!
I am currently training another breathwork facilitator and EFT practitioner so that in a couple of months there will be different times for those that are unable to make it during the current times =D
Hope that helps!!
@@FromSurvivingToThriving thanks. As of now I couldn’t make fridays Would I be able to see the recording of it in anyway ? Also if my schedule changed that it wouldn’t fit am I able to cancel anytime. If you can please respond to this via my email Thanks
🙏🏼💜
Hi Michelle! I have binge watched all your videos over the past 6 weeks and I’d really love to do the school of transformation starting in February however i have some questions. Is there a way to email you?
Hi Kally - sure - my email is nar.coaching@gmail.com
You’re phone goes off a lot keep thinking it’s mine
👍
💜♾🙏🏼🕉
She's single again.
I always tried to avoid shame, now I know its experiencing shame then parent myself through that feeling and let it go...such a great video..tnx michele