How Child Sexual Abuse Shaped Me As a Man | Anders Villani
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มิ.ย. 2024
- How Child Sexual Abuse Shaped Me As a Man
Anders Villani endured severe sexual abuse as a child, beginning when he was just 5 years old.
The abuse shaped the young man Anders grew into, deeply impacting his development and relationships, without him even realizing it.
Anders suppressed what had happened to him all the way into adulthood, denying it to himself and never sharing it with anyone.
Then, when he was a student at university, Anders was groomed and taken advantage of again - this time by a notorious pedophile who's since gone to prison.
It's taken Anders many years to process his trauma, something he's been able to do through his poetry, the latest of which has just been published in his new book 'Totality'.
Anders has shown outstanding bravery in sharing his story, on a topic that affects so many and is voiced by so few.
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#childsexualabuse #mensmentalhealth #abusesurvivor
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It occured when i was 9 but was not traumatising at the time. I forgot about it until 6 years later when i was watching a film and the dialogue triggered a sudden flashback. That night was the first time suicide ever entered my head. Extreme anxiety led to HOCD and depression. Eventually got rid of the HOCD but depression steadily got worse over the last 37 years. Today life is worse than ever. Tried to change meds last year and it was a disater. Ended up in hospital getting ECT. Lost my job and home. After i got home from hospital i developed a gambling addiction and lost all my savings. I was previously always carefull with money. I am completely destroyed by this act that happened 43 years ago. Im tired and depressed and feel like a total loser. I cant see a future for me anymore. There is no joy in life at all.
You're not a loser you are a survivor do not let this win you are the winner and you matter
@@layla-bw4xuThank you for your kindness Layla.
@wingnut71 you're welcome I believe in my heart one day you'll wake up and see a bright light shining through...oh wait it is you.
God is real hun, and he can heal you. I had an encounter with Jesus almost a year ago. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. Reach out to him and let him heal you. God bless you ❤🙏
@@MelissaJackson83 I tried in September 2022 as I was having my first panic attack in decades. I had realised something was badly wrong as my depression was getting much worse despite 2 months on the new SSRI. Extreme anxiety was now added on to deep depression and I felt I was going to completely lose it. I prayed with utter conviction and total sincerity and begged to be saved from this insanity. I asked for a vision or a visitation to let me know I had been heard, but there was nothing. Not a single thing. After that I decided that God cannot be real. I could not have prayed with more conviction, and yet it was not enough. Perhaps God only helps those who are deemed to be worthy of help, maybe I'm just beyond redemption. Idk. The only time I ever felt I might have had a spiritual experience was when I grew and ate magic mushrooms. The message that was repeating in my head like a mantra was, - "put on the Armour of God and join the battle of good against evil".
This gave me hope that God might be real and may have sent this message, but since the praying didn't work, I guess it was just something my brain conjured up while I was tripping.
The part about being afraid of a violent abuser is something I hadn’t really considered in dealing with my own abuse. I was five or six. I’m 61 now and spent a lifetime coming to terms with it on my own. I had an added layer of knowing that if my family found out, they would blame my being gay on it. They did. What I hadn’t counted on was being blamed for causing the abuse by my gayness. So a lot of family took to his defense and left me in the cold. So there’s a sense of rejection from my family about my being who I am layered in to the mix resulting in a very messy, complex set of conflicting emotions and twisted relationships. Thanks for this video, it’s helped me understand some of my own trauma.
So sorry to hear that’s been your experience. Horrible beyond comprehension. You’re a brave man. Thanks for watching and sharing some of your story.
Statistically speaking a lot of children experience sexual confusion from molestation. One does not always have anything to do with the other but sometimes it does
I think this is awesome. I am so glad to see men helping other men. Men in this world hurt every bit as much as women and they need help. Thank you thank you thank you!!
Almost all men who have experienced sexual violence have done so at the hands of other men.
@@meowy4720 that is so very heartbreaking. And I imagine that most of them have not sought help because that was considered taboo. May God have mercy on these poor abused men and boys.
Thank you for sharing this topic. I have been reaching some extremely dark times trying to deal with 12 years of childhood sexual abuse, and struggling that my abuser still lives free to this day. It helps to hear other accounts and know I am not alone out here in the darkness.
sexual abuse between children and their parents destroys the very core of the child. The inate shame and disgust , the powerlessnsess and betrayal is beyond the pale.
It took me over 25 years to overcome my trauma. Yes boys are victims to. I am 51 years old now but it destroyed half of my life. Brave guy ❤. It was a friend of the family and also my music teacher. I don't wish it to my greatest enemy.
I'm so very sorry for the abuse you suffered but lived through.
I was abused once as a child by an older boy in my neighborhood.
I repressed it for decades.
But God! I was able to go through the grieving process and come to a healing place. Then my alcoholic mother emptied a fully loaded 22 into my father on Christmas night,1993 six of the seven shots were fatal. She tried to blame it on a younger sister but she had worked a twelve hour shift at the hospital. Subsequently, two daughters had to testify against their mother. That was pretty rough...
I believe everyone should get some therapy as most everyone endures some type of trauma. Couple that with spiritual help from my pastor and walaa! I was on my way!
Take care! 💐
I was at 4 years old they held me down and stuck a cork screw in my anus and twisted it untill I was bleeding I tried to escape the trailer but they locked me in
We are vulnerable until we can process the abuse in a healing way, and perpetrators are very good at picking up on those vulnerabilities. Thank you for you courage in sharing.
I can't begin to imagine how exhausting it must have been to keep all this buried for so many years. Thank you blessings to you on this journey
All I can say is wow! Such a powerful testament. I can relate on so many levels. Very similar experiences all throughout! And so incredible how we can come from two completely different parts of the world, yet share so many similarities. I’m now in therapy at fifty five. My whole life practically living with this experience inside me. But am now getting rid of this weight. And really truly living a balanced life and discovering many things that I missed out on. Thank you so very much for your strength and bravery. Here’s raising a glass to you and to life and the fullness there of!!!❤
Wow thanks for sharing your experience Bradley. Great to hear you're in a good place finally. So many stories out there like this and it takes incredible strength to tell them so that others don't feel alone.
❤
Thank you for sharing. Please read Psalm 20.❤
I was sexually assaulted at 13. For decades I thought I was a monster or a lesser than. I started therapy three years ago and every day is an emotional struggle. I have harmed my marriage and many interpersonal relationships. I just want to be happy
Very sorry you’ve had to go through that and still live with the effects. It wasn’t your fault.
Thank you so very much for having the courage to speak and continuing to evolve in not only living but indeed, in thriving. 💕💕
Thanks for watching and commenting Lisa
Kids need dads.
Mine began when I was in the first grade. A principal of my school made it his chore every first new year to go room to room to welcome the students to the new year. But when he entered our class he was infatuated by me. I was much smaller than the other kids in school. I could have passed for being in pre-school. Even today I don't look my age at 55. My hair colour was something he was much taken with. It was exactly the colour of Orange Crush. The second day an third day of school he kept coming to the class. Obviously it was something the teacher found odd. Because I remember her saying on the second and third day something like oh my goodness you're here again today. He would have a story about his time in South America. He had a very thick German accent, now years later I have a good idea why he was from South America. Eventually things went to him telling me that I was only to use his private bathroom and only his. I was a middle child and my dad had severe PTSD so us kids were warned to not get dad mad. Because when he was things would go flying and it wasn't something mom wanted to see or to have to deal with. This going back to 1975ish was a part of why the very idea somebody as recognized as a principal wouldn't ever had done such things. Years later as I was in the fifth grade and realized what occurred, I remember watching the news where they reported about a missing child who had been found but they weren't alive. i always was so jealous of them. Because they didn't have to go from day to day and only want to never think again about anything. Never again would have been wonderful. All it would have taken was a razor blade. Such a stupid thing to be jealous over. When I asked kids my age about if those things were, as one of them said something every had done to them, I became more of a recluse.
I was 8 years old when I got molested by my brother's best friend who was six years older than me. Then I started having seizures from the age of 11 till I was almost 16 around the same age I learned what getting molested meant. I became very depressed and angry all the time wanted to do great harm to the one who molested me. Even wanted to die many times during my seizures, but they just wouldn't end. Then my parents started going to church and the same week my seizures ended. I got off the seizure meds months later, and when my head cleared I was still angry and negative against the one who molested me. Three years later I became a believer and the moment I forgave him for what he did to me all my wrath and anger went out of me, and I was a much more relaxed happier person receiving the Holy Spirit. I already had beleived in Yeshua dying for my sins, but I hadn't learned forgiveness yet, and me forgiving the one who molested me is the moment I became a full beleiver. You have to truly forgive everyone, or God won't forgive you. Now with age comes wisdom, he didn't molest me because he was a creep, he was 14, and I stopped his abusive step father from beating him up. So he developed a hero complex for me, and was confused himself because he had been molested by his step uncle. So he loved me, and was trying express it, even if I couldn't feel it yet. I don't condone his actions, but I get what his reasoning may have been. As they say though, hurt people hurt people. If you can't forgive others you will always be weighed down by the past of unforgivness. I might prefer guys now, and would want a wife with kids, but I have yet to meet a woman that pulls me out fully to be more into her than a masculine guy. Hopefully someday I can find me a wife to love and show affection to, or a guy, but morally I rather be with a woman.
I would get a job with lots of masculine straight guys, and learn to banter with them and crack insults that they can laugh at.
For a long time I really hated that I'm a guy. One time young another boy did things with me and since then I could never shake the feeling, if I was just a girl I never would've been in that position to begin with; I would've been best friends with his way-cooler sister instead and my general softness and docility that i always had would be accepted by everyone, not shamed.
But at some point I figured i would go ahead and lean into the fact I'm a guy; not for acceptance' sake, but for research, to observe how other men make use of all these expectations and hormones and weaknesses, and really notice the difference between healthy men and sick men.
Almost overnight, I realized i have a sense of humor; more and more what used to be a crushing insult that makes me cry and ruins my day instead registers to me as the setup for the punchline I'm about to shoot back at him; and if the guy is actually just being an asshole, instead of hurting me now I'm just like "ok that wasn't even clever or creative, lol f___ that guy"
I'm probably some shade of bisexual or something, but I'm not so worried about that these days; whomever you end up with, I think learning to have regular platonic friendship with your own sex is increasingly underrated these days.
Same with some women I've met, who struggle with being too assertive and promiscuous, but can't even hold a conversation with another woman without it becoming a negative experience.
Learn to have other guys as friends. If you marry one of them, awesome; but having that baseline vocabulary of friendship as well is super important as a starting ground to build on.
My other advice is to ignore unsolicited advice from random internet commenters and just do your own thing lol
okay first i’m so sorry you had to go through this traumatic experience ! , you wrote about wanting to be with a woman for moral purposes and as a woman i would suggest for you to be yourself and embrace your gayness cause forcing yourself to be with a woman is just you trapping her and yourself in a miserable relationship and it will have the both of you tired , just heal and you’ll definitely find the perfect man for you at the right time ❤️ because in your case you can only have women as your friend not more than that 🙏🏼
@@kava6109 it's not just morals, but want a kid too, and God didn't design men to mate with men sadly.
Word thank U
When police asked me if my therapist had groomed me, I protected him, telling the police nothing had happened. Giving this therapist the opportunity to work for several more years.
Could that be a form of fawning? Since we respond with fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
I’ve been looking for male child sexual abuse survivors because my partner ( I am a female) halve opened up to me for the first time in his life about his abuse. It happened when he was 12 to 15 and recently he met his abuser, now he is 42
I feel deeply sorry for
Him and I want to help him to heal and feel loved and supported. But it’s so difficult for me to feel loved because he becomes distant and cold and I wonder if he want to be with me or if he is using me for emotional support
Also he’s not sure about his orientation and questions himself all the time
Do you think it’s possible for a straight man who had been sexually abused by an adult male in his early teens to have a loving and strong relationship with a woman?
Hi. So sorry to hear about all this suffering. Your partner is lucky to have you and it's very positive that he's able to be open with you. I'm not qualified to give a clinical response to the following, 'Do you think it’s possible for a straight man who had been sexually abused by an adult male in his early teens to have a loving and strong relationship with a woman?' However from the podcasts I've done, I believe the answer is yes. The latest podcast that's just been released is another story of a child sexual abuse survivor who was aged 14-16. I think you'll find it informative. You can find it on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. It'll be on TH-cam very soon. Thanks
I’m a survivor, I was sexually abused by a male neighbor. I was around 5 when it began, 7 when it ended because he moved.
I never told anyone until I was almost 55.
I finally began therapy and it was one of the best things I ever did.
I’ve been married 42 years with 5 children.
I would encourage your man to get into therapy. Very soon. If price is a problem, seek out a trusted clergyman or a trusted friend (male). Or the therapist might have a pay scale to help make it more affordable. Also, shop around for a therapist- not all of them work with male survivors so ask them about that. I found it easier to talk with a man.
Let him go alone to the appointments. This is a shameful, hurtful, frightening thing to even say let alone experience. He needs to be unguarded in his responses and your presence might stunt that. Let him include you when he feels ready- the abuse makes us feel controlled by the perpetrator so giving him the control as to how the therapy goes will be huge.
Feel free to respond here to me, I’ll do my best to help.
With the right counseling and hard work it is possible. It's difficult but possible.
I'm sorry you are having this problem, but I think the answer to this question must be a yes. He needs to really love you and you him. So that he can fully trust you and heal from the shame. If he senses that you might leave him or ever use it against him he will likely feel he can't take the risk to fully tell you what happened. I told my wife before we got married why I had been depressed in the past because I did not want her to be kept in the dark about my problems. I hope your husband did too and didn't surprise you with this information. I believe you can help him just by allowing him to tell you everything, without fear of judgement. I think if the person you love knows all your faults and accepts you and loves you anyway then that will go a very long way to help him love himself again.
On the subject of questioning his sexuality I really must tell you this. If he is doing it constantly and is even testing himself by imagining certain situations, then this is a form of OCD known as pure 'O' (obsession only with no physical ritual). There is actually a ritual but it is a hidden one that occurs only in the mind only. Other people do not see any strange behaviour as you would with normal OCD. This is a bonified mental illness which I had for two years and it makes you miserable.
Hey as someone who was the victim of SA from both female and male perpetrators, I can tell you rhat it is, SA doesn't ghange your orientation, but you start questioning alot of things, it's possible that's where it's coming from. I often didn't feel like a man since I allowed myself to be taken advantage of sexually, it made being the penetrative/more active part in sex quite hard. Emdr therapy and psilocybin helped fix it.
The background music/beat is very annoying and distracting
That's just the intro...
What about Diddy and JayZ? Will they be arrested?