Hi, I think what matters a lot to me is that my family never understood. I shouldn’t have to keep justifying why didn’t I do this, or that, or why didn’t I say something. I’m really sensitive about it and I still feel blamed. I still keep trying to make family understand about abuse. My much older sister said to me, “Linda, I know you say it started at age 10 but couldn’t you have said no when you were 14 or 15. I can’t forget or bury the anger I feel about that comment. It sits with me throughout the years. I don’t want to feel anger and resentment. I just want to feel supported but I never was supported through sexual abuse. It caused a lot of damage. I was 10 when it started. He was my other older sisters fiancé and after he abused me I could not hurt my sister by telling my family because I couldn’t hurt her. By the time I was 14 he had done so much manipulating and white washing my mind that I was helpless. I don’t know if you can still reply, but maybe just writing it down will help in some way. I’ve never been able to trust a Man to not let me down again, and I married a Man who was a friend, and I’ve been lonely throughout my life. I push anyone away who says they have feelings for me because I can’t cope with the thought of being hurt. X
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share some of your story. It makes complete sense you would be angry, among many other feelings. I'm sorry your family is not providing the support you deserve. This adds so much to the depth of healing needed. I hope you are able to find or have the professional support you deserve.
@@talithasuya8908 Hello, thanks for asking. I’m doing good. I have been working towards getting a proper sleep/ wake routine. I find I get tired very easily. That is difficult and I’ve never found an answer to it. I take one day at a time and just try my best. And how are you? 😀
@@lindabeeston7408 Thanks so much for taking a moment to answer. Glad you're doing well. Interestingly, I'm doing well also but am struggling with extreme fatigue. Not sure if it's depression or my depression medication. 🙄😅 But otherwise I'm feeling settled and hopeful about the future.
@@talithasuya8908 Hi, yes, I’m with you there. I feel tired a lot. I do have a good memory and I have felt tired since my early thirties. I’ve have never worked out why though. But I can only do a small amount each day, and if I deviate from this I know I will need to sleep all that evening, night and the dawn through till lunch time.
Niamh, unfortunately, I think it's pretty impossible to heal/recover if you don't talk about it. Through sharing your story, you literally allow it to leave your body & mind. It doesn't mean you do it one time and your healed, but it is the first step. Sometimes it can be easier to share with a friend the first time. Though I do think it's important, and probably necessary, at some time work with a therapist who specializes in abuse. I've had clients who haven't told anyone before they shared with me. I recently shared a quote that said "you no longer have a secret, you have a story". This is why sharing with someone is so important. Secrets continue to perpetuate and grow shame. I know it can be incredibly scary. It is one of the most vulnerable, but also courageous things you will ever do. If you need help finding someone, I'd be happy to help you do a search in your area.
I have recently disclosed my Father's sexual abused to me and numerous underage girls. Its been a really painful process and I've been cast out by my family. It's awful. People need to speak about this stuff because it's so damaging in your life. I'm 54 and have only just spoke about it.
its really hard somedays and I mean really hard. my father molested me from the age of 7 to 16. i wasnt allowed to have a childhood. I stuffer from PTSD. I'll get mad so easily, I'll argue with my teachers for nothing.
Thank you for watching and commenting, Lilly. I know how hard those days can be. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you are getting the help and support you deserve.
So sorry.i went thru something but I can't say because if I bring it up it takes awhile to put it in the back of my mind.but I do understand you breath and just let it out and know your beautiful your still special your for God.sorry that happened
Peggy,I used to have really bad anxiety and other problems. The tools I am about to give you absolutely changed my anxiety and problems 100%. Try being of service to other people. Everyday ask yourself what you can do to help someone. That attitude of being of service to other people completely changed my problems. They just faded away.
Thank you for sharing. I agree that being in service to others can be profound. It is important though to make sure it doesn't come at the expense of your own well being. Often people can be so much of service to others as a way to feel they are worthy or have value and neglect their own needs and boundaries. This can be problematic because it can reinforce an idea that you are only valuable if you give of yourself.
What if she doesn't want or even need the tools you're about to give her?? Anyways, your approach sounds like a masculine way of coping. Someone oriented towards the feminine polarity is probably already being of service to others, to the point where they feel like a used doormat. I don't think more service to others is what they would need, but rather being of service to their OWN soul.
@PeggyOliveiraMSW For me, I am trying to change things and have a say. The denial of others, when they have been abused, actually angers me. Abuse is a crime, and when you do not report a crime, it is like corruption.
I notice that women make many excuses and justifications for others and they negate their own reality like they abandon themselves and what happened to them maybe men too, but it's almost like a personal betrayal to themselves right? Women are almost never in general taught to celebrate themselves.I think because in many many homes female children are discriminated against by the father.So self love is hindered in girls. It's that stigma...this just couldn't didn't happen it takes a while to process reality yes it did! Extremely painful event.I just heard of a man who raped another and the victim killed himself...I guess the humiliation was just too much.I wonder what the doctor can say to help alleviate the incredible shame that many experience. I personally think that when someone has the physical power and the malice to want to subject you to extreme humiliation in order to well really kill you emotionally maybe hoping you commit suicide but they wait and watch to see if you do it for them.I think that when you realize THE THOUGHT THE INTENT WITH WHICH THEY ACTED TO TEAR YOU TO PIECES...THAT RIGHT THERE IS CALLED CONSIDERING THE SOURCE, WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND TRULY WHAT HE IS DOING...THAT SHOULD GIVE MOST VICTIMS THE STRENGTH TO OVERPOWER THE ABUSERS ACT, BY GIVING THEMSELVES SELF LOVE, THERAPY AND INSISTING ON THEIR WELL BEING.
You come off as a very soothing and trustworthy person, I can imagine you do well working with people who have lots of shame and attachment issues. thank you for the video 🖒
I am currently in the process of healing from abuse. This came up on my suggested videos and I took your name as a sign to take notice of. (my favourite song is about a lady called Peggy.) and I'm so glad I did. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It was very difficult, but needed. Thank you for making this.
+Flamingo Williams Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm glad you honored that sign. :) I'm also glad you found the video helpful. Good luck as you navigate this journey.
Nicole Hanes, Thank you for watching and commenting. Being abused by another child creates a whole different set of issues to work through. It can be difficult to let go of the rationalizing and minimizing coping mechanisms which often develop. Children can and do abuse other children. It happens all the time. There are several factors that would determine whether it would be conidered a "crime". However, the impact is the same regardless. As you said, you can't even begin to think about abusing someone else. This is the case for the majority (BY FAR) of people who are abused. And BY FAR, the majority of people who are abused DO NOT abuse other people. Whether someone was abused or not, it NEVER excuses what they may choose to do to someone else. Unfortunately, I've heard from many people who have shared their abuse experience with a supposed trained professional, who minimizes or dismisses the significance of their experience. If this happens, you need to find someone else! In regards to not knowing what to think...trust yourself. You know what happened and you know the impact it's had on you.
S Clark I think you may have misunderstood what I said. I meant "crime" in the sense it may not be something the authorities would consider arresting (detaining) and prosecuting (adjudicating) someone for. Just as it is very unfortunate most sexual abuse/assault crimes are not prosecuted in general. I also go on to say the impact on the victim is the same whether the authorities view it as a crime or not.
I'm sorry you were not believed, Soraya. Please don't let this person's reaction keep you from speaking your truth and getting the help you deserve. If you are in the U.S. you can search for rape crisis in your zip code for a place that can provide resources and support.
Interesting I never really aknowledge or excepted how much the abuse effected me by minimizing and excusing the amount of times and that it wasn't violent. The fact that I was only around 11 and enjoyed it really screwed my up as it was a family member I have always felt disgusted in my self even tho I was the victim. I am 54 and realize how much it has stolen from me in as much as I have never had a truly beautiful and nurturing sexual relationship with anyone in my life. I want to experience that one day. Thank you for this video.
I'm glad you found this video helpful. I'm sorry you've been living with this pain and I hope you get the help and support you deserve. It will take time but healing is possible.
Your deep voice express lots of experience with THIS matter or part of them still you seemed you trying to overcome them by inspiring others with their positive coping mechanism thanks for your post , bravery and time.
What happens when you dont remember being sexually abused but feel strongly that something must have happened. A few days ago I had a nightmare, where I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a man in the darkness coming towards me, I knew he was going to molest me, I began to scream, but no voice would come out. I finally got a look at the man and saw it was my uncle and then I woke up. I had to shake it off because this dream seemed so real. Then I began to think about this uncle to try and remember if he ever touched me. What I do remember is that when me and my brother were little kids my uncle would always want us to go fetch him some beer from the basement and while down there we would see his display of naked women all over the walls. Me and my brother talked about it, and remember that my uncle would make us go down there everytime we came to visit and we would giggle about seeing all his porn. Im gonna have to post again because Im gonna get cut off.
I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. Many people don't have clear memories of abuse. However most people, when they really listen to their instincts, know if something happened. Working with someone may help you sort out the truth of your experience...to help you learn to listen to your instincts about it.
My memories first came back as a vivid dream, too. Also, in an earlier imagining as a young adult, I had a man coming at me and I was cringing absolutely terrified in a corner of a bathroom. It was my father. Your deep feelings will teach you who to trust and who was not trustworthy. So much of the healing work requires you to feel your way into the darkness. Wishing you the power of self-belief and a trustworthy witness of your process as you heal!
I was good at avoiding the feelings. Even now I suffer from its made me hard for people to interact with, I have only recently gotten to where I express more than either anger or happiness.
Thank you for watching. It is definitely a work in progress. It takes time for it to become a more natural state of being. Good for you for taking these steps.
Hello Peggy, I just watched this Video, again! It brings tears to my eyes. It feels great to hear you talk about how healing is available to me and those who struggle with childhood abuse, (Any abuse, in fact!) I appreciate your reaching out and saying how much you "believe" in all of use! Thank YOU! Colleen
Hi Niamh. Thanks so much for taking the time to watch and comment. I'm so happy to hear you like and find inspiration in the videos. It's amazing how often these ways of coping show up in peoples lives. You are certainly not alone. Unfortunately, self-harm is a very common coping mechanism as well. It can be very difficult to think about talking to someone about your struggles and experiences. However, I have found that the thinking is often the most difficult part...the apprehension, expectations, and fears. Once you take the first step you find it's not as bad as you expected. There are some stories on my blog from April of 2013 that might be helpful in taking that step. You deserve to be free of the impact of abuse. Thanks again. Feel free to join us on the blog, facebook, twitter, & google+ too.
Hello Peggy, Thank you so much for presenting this information about the coping techniques used after sexual abuse. My daughter was abused at age 5, by a 5 year old boy (although I didn't know about the boy's history, I feel responsible for leaving her in that situation). At that time, I was a nursing student and knew the signs of sexual abuse. She exhibited some of them so I had a talk with her, making sure to not prompt her for answers. I was very distraught, as any parent would be. But my emotions had gotten to the point where, at times I just would wail. This lasted about 2 weeks. My husband would take my daughter out, or I left the house so she didn't have to bear the responsibility of my feelings. I then came to the realization that I had repressed memories of my own abuse, and they all rushed back. I got treatment for her right away with an amazing therapist. She went back a few years later when I felt that she needed more therapy, and again on a couple of occasions while she was a teen. She now seeks treatment if she feels the need to (she is now 27). After the first round of therapy I was instructed not to bring the incident up to her anymore. I'm really not sure if that was the correct thing to do. I thought she might repress her experience as I did, then employ the unhealthy mechanisms that you've spoken about. I also wonder if she back then, and even now harbors feelings of resentment toward me because I personally didn't address any of her feelings (I also felt that being so close to situation might be detrimental, considering my raw emotions). When she became an adult I did approach her once about it. My intention was not to stir up memories and feelings. It was only to ask how she had been handling the situation, and if therapy was helping. Right away, she told me that she didn't want to talk about it. I'm hoping that I handled the situation correctly, both then and now, or if it would've better to address it with her at a younger age. I would also love to share your post, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I'd love to know your opinion on all of this (I see that you answer the coments here). Thanks so much! Kristen
Hi Kristen. Thanks so much for watching. It would be hard to say what the "right" thing might have been. Though it seems you considered your daughter and her needs and acted based on that. Which, ultimately, matters significantly. I've heard from many people that sharing a video or my channel with someone helped with creating a conversation and/or inspire that person to begin or continue their healing. Best to you and your daughter.
Thank you for your informative and heartfelt videos. I am just now trying to uncover repressed memories, am reading Courage to Heal, working with a therapist, and doing a workbook. I am wondering if it is appropriate for a survivor who is female to have a male therapist, if the abuser was a male. This video is so true about minimizing, denying and rationalizing.
Thank you for watching and commenting. The most important thing about the person you are working with is that you feel safe, supported, and understood. If you are able to feel that way with a man, then it's perfectly ok. Sometimes, it can actually be really helpful to have a healthy experience with a man so you can learn not all men are likely to be the same.
Every time I see a program on tv of a child being sexually abused it brings back dark memory. I was around 10 to 13 years old when I was physically mentally and sexually abused. I was taken out of public school placed into a private school for children with learning disability. I remember acting out against the school throwing chairs anything to relieve my anger I had and still have a lot of anger. I try not to act out I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night. I have tried to take my own life the pain was so great. All I do now is wait till my life ends on its own. What really kills is the death of my sister she was the only one I can talk too. I have lot that no one to really talk to now. She gets me and now she gone. All the mixed confused emotions is literally killing me. I wrote quiet a few poems to relieve my anger. To me healing seems to be impossible. I tried to but I get a lot of flashbacks. The feeling that I feel I could never wish them on anyone. I stay up so many nights just wishing my life would end. Talking about it is very hard. I guess you can say I’m one messed up and confused person. I always look at it as this boys and men are not suppose to be able to get sexually abused. We should be able to defend ourself. I was told if I tell anyone of my sexual abuse people family friends would hate me and there’s the being gay part everyone will think I’m that way as well so my abuser said. I stayed quiet for along time till I had to come out about it. I downed a bunch of pills. And I was asked why so I told the guidance counselor in my school. I do not think I was taken seriously at the time. I still have a lot of pain. How can someone such as me get over it.
I have used Dr Christopher K. Cornine Phd. He used EMDR light therapy for me to help. I can't explain how it works but it was a tremendous help to me. I don't know where you live but look emdr therapy up. www.diakonoscounseling.com/new-page-5/ is the web page. I hope you seek help because it can get better.
Thank you for all the videos Peggy. Ive had so many "aha" moments I cant count. I dont feel alone in my feelings and thoughts after hearing how common they are . I still feel embarrased and ashamed when I try to talk about it. Im really close getting the courage to seek help. I just get nervous to talk about it because my husband is the only one that knows. Im a newleywed and thankfully my husband has been so supportive.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I LOVE hearing about "aha" moments. :) Shame takes quite a bit of time to release but you will get there. If you find someone who truly understand these issues, that person will feel honored to hear your story. Best to you as you start this journey.
+Lm bl Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm so glad you found the video helpful and are recognizing it's your time to heal. Making this decision can feel overwhelming, but you deserve to heal and none of us can do it alone.
Hi, i looked help for understanding whats going on with me and you put some clarity in my thoughts. I'm the girl on the far end of the spectrum who has been hurt by many amounts when i was a child and teenager..children and adult abusers . anyway. I'm trying to get help because I'm sick of being told i need help. i keep trying to forget it. thank you for the light you shared.
+Jessie W Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm so happy the video helped you gain understanding and you are going to get help. We all need someone to help us heal and you deserve to have the life waiting for you on the other side of healing.
Anxiety and depression goes together like salt and pepper. We also have denial that may manifest many ways; eating disorders, over-active libido, dissociative personality disorder. I dare say child sexual abuse by caretakers who are liked by others is worse than trauma of war. Because you share a war with others, you share the fear and blood. But walking around in a peaceful small town carrying this and denying it for years is worse.
Hi Peggy, Thank you so much for sharing and boosting among us the commitment to the healing process.I am therapist as well, and I would like to have some information about techniques and ways to help people who have been victim of sexual abuse. The best for you
cristina carmona Thank you for watching & commenting. With the number of people who experience childhood abuse, I think it's so important every mental health professional have training in the significance of what that really means. I'm happy you are interested in learning more. There are a lot of great trainings, in particular I would suggest anything by John Briere. He has a couple of books. Personally, I don't think healing abuse is about "techniques" it's more about relationship & understanding (yours & clients). Of course, creating healthy coping, anxiety reduction, etc is important in regards to coping mechanisms. If you are intrested, I provide limited professional consultation as well. Good luck!
Is it possible to heal from childhood abuse without the help of another? Recently, my family has found out about my childhood abuse. Up until now, I have never breathed a word about it. Just turning 21, I thought I had put it behind me. Now that it is resurfacing, I can see the long term effects it has taken on my behaviors and ability to form relationships. All my family wants to do is sit down and talk- but they’re the last people I would ever speak about it to. I am a college student, and can’t exactly pay the cost of a professional. But I also will not speak to anyone I know about what happened. I have read articles on ways to cope with such trauma, as well as watching videos such as yours. In time can I see my own healing through?
This is really useful. Can you go into more detail in a future blog about the 'it wasn't that bad' response, minimising it. I'm interested in whether people have reactions that are out of proportion to the experience and how you manage that. Thanks :)
Thanks for the additional question, Emma. Are you asking about people thinking it's a bigger deal than it really is instead of making it less significant?
You have explained people around me very well. As long as I can think, I have always taken abuse serious, but obviously was the victim of others denials. This was and still is a frustration.
I tip my hat to you, thanks for sharing your healing experience. Would you agree that this is a secondary gain? You are truly a strong woman to muster up an aesthetic smile out from the ashen brimstone of a tough subject. I anticipate your take on the relationship between coping mechanisms and secondary gain..you brawny, brainy success you! ;D
@@PeggyOliveiraMSW Hello, I am just referencing to the natural psychological attribute of one to always mean well to the being. ie. many ppl over eat in a subconscious well means to fill an "empty" place in the mind/body
Will you explain how it plays out in relationships. For instance, how these mechanisms become so habitual that they are even used to avoid the guilt and shame of their own bad attitudes, actions and behaviors. And how that causes major problems in adulthood.
I watched this video and realized I have a lot I need to work through, I was sexually assaulted about 10 months ago by a man I had come to trust, he was like an uncle to me. At first I pretended it didn't happen it took me a few days to even get myself to go to my parents and the police. when I told no one really believed me, only my mom did. so I just started to say it was nothing, and that it was my fault for approaching him while he was drunk. I still have nightmares, I can't sleep at night and I cry most nights and let myself fear the worst, I still can't be touched without wanting to cry, and yet I still tell myself "it was nothing" and "it could have been worse." he ended up getting away with it and I see him every time I go to my dads. I knew if I wouldn't had fought my way out that he was going to rape me, sometimes I wonder if I would had let it get further then would the police have believed me? Is it my fault he is he gets to be free on the streets, because I fought him off, because I didn't let him rape me, or is it just because it was nothing and nobody thought it was worth taking action.
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. NONE of this is your fault. Unfortunately, whether he "technically" raped you or not, it's likely not much would happen to him. It was incredibly courageous of you to speak your truth. I'm sorry you weren't believed. I would really encourage you to speak with someone trained in the area of sexual assault. If you live in the U.S. search rape crisis in your zip code. They provide low cost or free counseling.
These coping mechanisms you speak of really are my wife. My wife (of 33 years) was abused starting at 7 by moms boyfriend. Mother gave her to dad at 9. He remarried 2 more times and step brothers abused her. About a year into our marriage she froze during intimacy and then told me of some abuse and clearly blocked out much. Last year her dad got sick and died and she "went off the deep end" and moved out. Intimacy was always challenging as she seemed to enjoy while happening but after looked at me as an abuser. After moving out she yelled at me "I never enjoyed sex with you and I don't need sex". She wants to erase me from her memory. She started therapy with a therapist that specializes in trauma. What I would like to know is what I should be doing that may get her back. How should I be around her (she won't look at me or say anything at our children's homes ) ? What can I do to help her heal ?
+harley kulkin I'm so sorry both you and your wife are having to deal with this issue. Loving someone who has been abused and not healed can be incredibly difficult. I hear from partners quite often are struggling with the same fears and desires. I know your question is about getting her back and helping her, but I first want to say it's really important that you take care of yourself through this process too. It might be a good idea for you to see someone. I'm glad she's seeing someone. While you can help support her (if shes' willing to have you do that), healing is up to her. There will be a lot for her to work through. As a partner, patience and support are the best things you can offer her. Knowing you don't judge or blame her for what happened will help too. Good luck as you navigate the coming months.
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW thank you for your reply. She wants nothing to do with me as in her mind I was just another abuser. I suggested to her therapist that part of the therapy involve showing your videos. I think your videos would be an enormous help providing structure and educational information for my wife. The first three coping mechanisms are so deeply her and even somewhat the fourth though my wife states she is not affected by the abuse. Thank you so much for posting these videos on youtube, I'm certain they have helped many many people.
+harley kulkin Thank you for suggesting my videos. I've met many people over the years who have believed they were not effected by sexual abuse. I was one too. It's part of the coping process. As I said, make sure to take care of you through this process.
I was abused as a child,and trained as a therapist, I'm fine talking but feelings was harder feeling. It takes compassion for yourself, journalling, self awareness,
What about child on child abuse> My cousin who was being molested repeatedly molested me over years. It was "swept under the carpet". No one stood up for me. Now as an adult he says he wasn't a predator and he was molested so it was okay. I couldn't even begin to think of harming someone else. I don't know what to think. I am afraid if I go to a therapist they will say I am over reacting.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Nicole. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. This is such a difficult experience to heal for the very reason you expressed. It's so easy to rationalize...excuse a child abusing another child. As you also identify, you were abused and you did not go on to abuse other children. This idea is a complete fallacy. Being abused is NEVER and excuse to hurt someone else. Whether he accepts responsibility or your family acknowledges the truth has no bearing on your ability to heal. I would encourage you to make sure you work with someone who specializes in working with survivors of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, there are some therapists out there who don't understand the myriad issues of sexual abuse.
Nicole Hanes hello:-) I experienced something similar. My brother was abused by my father and he sexually abused me from the time I was about 6 or 7. It continued until I was 17 when I was finally able to say 'no'. For many years I felt stuck in my healing because I wanted so much for my brother to recognize responsibility for what he had done. With time I have realised though that how I deal with life now is more important than my family (including my mother) recognizing the abuse for what it was. The fact that he was a child is not an excuse. But equally I do think that people have different coping mechanisms. I do also believe that part of his coping mechanism was to deny what he had done to me - to cope with his shame through the abuse he experienced and the guilt that for a long time hr could accept as his. He now does recognize his responsibility. However that was not what started to help me heal. It was only when I could start to let go, through focussing on my own healing and wellbeing, dedication to my own freedom from self-victimisation later on in life...that means taking responsibility for my continued self-abuse when all had ended, that I really began to free myself. No one else's admittance of guilt brings me here - coz even after that we can still feel trapped. As adults we need to honour ourselves enough to take responsibility for who we are now. It's a long process and I am still freeing up parts of myself that have been deeply ingrained and twisted up inside - but we need to be kind and patient with ourselves. We need to trust ourselves and trust the process. We need courage but kindness with ourselves also. We need to be honest with ourselves and aware - to recognize when aspects of our hurt selves appear in everyday life in challenging situations especially in relation with others or with difficult life experiences that come up. To recognize whether our ways of 'coping' are helping us grow or holding us back. Then in each instance, seeing where we can transform the abuse into growth through each of these situations that come up, by redirecting our ways of reacting, dealing with life, or how we feel about ourselves. Conscious attention to the moment NOW. Wishing you Love and self-acceptance with all your aspects - even what you may see as the darkest corners of yourself. Xoxo
I also have had something similar happen to me as well , my molester pasted away so I'll never get to talk to them and ask why . or have an apology . would apologizing help yes it would
@@PeggyOliveiraMSW Peggy don't you also know that abused child react or respond by abusing others too. If it's not an excuse it doesn't mean that child wanted to abuse others, they may not even know they are abusing others just like they didn't even know that they were abused. It's good for the victim to not take responsibility for what other child did but that child could also be the victim. Some child lived their most life in gulilt and worried if the others develop PTSD like them. They simply feel that they will burn in hell for that. Child on child abuse is complex, I think both parties need healing.
Thank you for bringing all your wonderful videos with your beautiful wonderful personality,and your amazing work with all your great pertinent information to help understanding more about what really happened,and choices of help with what happened,and what can do to help me overcome humility,shyness,shame from all that happened,and to be able to talk about it all instead of avoiding it all as it all cause me to be left with depression,anxieties,ocd’s,personality disorders,social anxiety,chemical imbalances,ptsd’s,cptsd’s,additive behaviors,thank you for bringing all your wonderful videos on 😘
I am finding it hard to find any help for daughters who have been sexually abused by their mother. The few times I confide to someone I am doubted because "mothers don't do that".
Going through the same situation. I guess it's such a taboo topic it's hard for people to believe especially if the parent or person is known for being a "nice" person to everyone else. God bless us.
i think your strong for being able to talk about all of this and if not,at some time being able to mediate about all of what had happened to bring relief from all the trauma love Denny
It's kind of strange how in the instance of sexual abuse 'minimising' is seen as a maladaptive behaviour, when it's exactly the same as 'positive reframing'. We have the saying 'don't make a mountain out of a mole hill' but if you make a 'mountain into a mole hill' this is bad? I'm starting to question to what extent are therapists and society at large cultivating emotional damage in a person by signalling to that person that what they experienced should be traumatic and the only way to move forward is to relive those experiences to release the emotional pain. To what extent is the emotional pain manifested by everyone else's reaction?
I just discovered these videos and have recently told my story to a very close friend b/c for some reason I felt I needed to share. He is a school counseler and explained the same coping meconisims you did. I have them all and deal with my life the same way. I will watch the others. I went to a LCSW and felt I got nowhere. I had to keep her on track. Any NJ recommendation therapist or a type I should be looking for?
+Joe Jackson Thanks for watching and commenting. I'm so happy to hear you aren't giving up on healing. I know it can be frustrating when you're having difficulty finding someone to work with. I don't know of anyone specific in your area. I would encourage you to consider contacting your local rape crisis center (they generally provide referrals who specialize in CSA. You could also consider going there for counseling). The person's experience and philosophy is much more important than their degree or license. On a side note, as a social worker, I hate to hear you had a bad experience with an LCSW. :( Good luck to you as you move through the healing process.
i was sexually abused by a family member when i was a toddler. i have been able to suppress these memories for as much as 8years ... recently i've relapsed into a deep depression and anxiety. I need help and have a scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist on july 22nd. why after so long would i feel so vulnerable yet i'm older
Manuel Moran Thank you for sharing. In the case of sexual abuse, time does not heal. When you don't have the opportunity to heal, the impact can become even more significant over time. I'm happy to hear you will be meeting with a psychiatrist, though I hope you will also be connecting with a trained therapist or coach to help you heal.
I'm hearing great things about ECT ... I'm hoping it can also help me forget unwanted memories.. what is the best way of self treatment... also will it be a good idea to tell my parents? I'm a shamed of myself and I don't want them to feel dissapointed that they failed to protect me.
Yes question here, so those are the bad coping mechanisms that most people use, but what are the good ones? What should they be using? Can you please make a video for that as well, thank you so much. This was very helpful though.
I was molested multiple times by multiple people from 4 in a half years old till I was 10 but I came out about it and it made me be shamed by the family around me. I can't explain how I have experienced thing that I didn't want to think about... I just seemed to block my reality... Rape and attached my self by blocking and allowing really bad things to happen to extension that I have been pushed away by all I knew... No support and facing my reality how the children I had even under... Don't know how to say this... I survived all my life not knowing I have adapted to abuse... I need help figure out what I can fix my life cycle from repeating. I have a very sick story and I don't want to admit it I don't want to see it to anyone else I don't know what to do every person that I've talked to about it has been nothing or ignores it it pushes it aside and they all avoid actually having to do something to change things. And for as long as I can remember everybody just made me feel like I was crazy and I'm exaggerating and lazy I don't want to do what people want me to do but it's not that I don't want to do it it's that somehow my mind isn't allowing me to go and complete what they're asking and sometimes I'm in situations where I really don't know what was going on and I was losing my mind little by little because all of rapes and abused and manipulations and being drugged and having children that were born from sick relationships that were forced somehow making me feel like those were my only options and that I shouldn't say anything or question what was going on because I was so happy that I was having a baby that I blocked reality and I tried to cope with making a relationship work with the abuser and now after 9 years I snap out of a shock and a really bad case of CPS and custody and my dad and my ex taking advantage of my mental health disorder and knowing that I wouldn't fight back and I didn't know how to and I was scared of cpsd took my kids they told me not to fight they would give them back they told me to go fix my legal issues and then they would give him back it was a whole mess it's still a mess I was in a mental hospital because mental break from so much rape and abuse that I lived last year that I know I'm really traumatized that you have a hard time leaving the house because of being attacked and being gaslighted by a group of people I lived with that were abusing me in different ways and I'm on medication but I can't move forward I don't know how to go about understanding what's wrong with me or why I am like this or what's going on or anything to do with my mental health not even the facility that I attend for mental health disorder do they know how to diagnose her how to tell me anything about me problems even though I'm very clear with them and I'm getting desperate everyday that goes by I realize my kids are still not back with me and it's been 9 yrs . I don't want to talk and say something that's going to hurt my kids when they find out I feel ashamed because I didn't know any different or I thought it was normal or it was okay I didn't know you're supposed to feel different I didn't learn these things until now I didn't realize there was an issue with me until now I was okay with the news before and I've excused it and ignored it and allowed it and now my kids have been living with an abusive parent who has always used corporal punishment and mental abuse and trauma to my kids just like you did with me this man when he got me pregnant was when I was in the State of shock from admitting a prior sexual assault from a person that I worked for and having to say it out loud causing me to like going to shock and I wasn't able to like talk and I tried to make my body cooperate and it wouldn't and I was like that for a while the next memory is him taking my kid to my mom's and then he was taking me with him so he could help my mom take care of me and this man had me pee in a cup I don't know how that happened or how I did that but he had like four or five pregnancy tests and he tested them after a few days of being there I don't know how long I was checked out but I remember not wanting him to touch me I remember being frozen and unable to change the situation or stop it from happening at all I was yelling but my body wouldn't react and then he showered me and all the ugly stuff I don't want to think about him touching me but from there he went and laid me on a blanket in his room and the floor and then he just stared at me for quite a while and then he proceeded to have sex with me while I was unconscious like I was with my eyes open but I don't remember like being able to stay completely conscious after the fact that he was starting to have sex with me and it seems like all my memories of being an awkward and messed up situations I seem to have no control of my body in it just makes me go into darkness and I was checked out of it for a bit and he kept me around till after trying multiple times to snap out finally my body listened. I was able to talk I end up returning to where I had been.... (Rape sounds scary ugly) given an open beer that I had only taken like 3 sips when I started feeling funny and dizzy so I excused my self to use the bathroom and as I was there I herd funny noises coming from window and heard and peeked out to find employer and a coworker making out but then she pulls away from boss and said well finally you can get what u want so u can get over her quickly that she was tired of picking up my slack next were horrible Kodak photos and my boss on me and me pushing my face away from him... As I am writing this I'm starting to feel like I'm thinking like I'm falling asleep sort of from how much panic I feel to say to anyone else but I remember him having sex with me I don't remember everything I just remembered on top of me and it's flashbacks ugly flashbacks. But had to choose between them I didn't what to stay with Manny. I don't know how to explain how I live some of s*** but I don't think it's fair I can't allow him to stay with my kids this is wrong purposely got me pregnant while I was out of it that's abuse I think or maybe I don't know I wasn't conscious and I didn't want to have sex with him I have been separated from him for quite a little bit and when I interlaced things and you look back and beats the land I feel stupid because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was wrong with both my children's dad putting me through the same normal to me now forcing their way with me and attempting to have only used me but I don't care that my kids came from that I love my kids I cooked with all the other stuff I survived all the other stuff I function when I had my kids and I have my associates degree while I was a single parent I lived alone with my children I went through some hard times but instead of anyone helping me they just threw me into the bus nobody helped nobody even came to see if I was okay everybody just assumes that I'm okay and they don't understand that I mentally like broken apart. In 2012 my abusive fiance was put in jail and my brother was put in jail and my father had recently got married and when I asked him why he hadn't visited me more often he told me something that changed my life forever from that moment on it broke my heart it made me so sad that things got complicated and I didn't know who last for help because according to my father I needed to understand that he had a new family now that he couldn't just be coming over accused you cuz he had things to do he had a busy life with work and his new family. I have PTSD because of their parenting and yet cps gave my child to him and not only did he hold her back 2 year's (I had an IEP set for her) but he kept her out of school. And even though I was the only parent with the girls they sided with father and gave him to take children even as a constantly absent and being cause for one of my childrens behavior health issues we had just finished her program successfully. Help my girls are traumatized and cps continue to just look the other way regarding all police all's from children and the fact that neglectful parenting on his behalf to be a lone at home with a adult that forced himself on my child and nobody ever realize that he is always able to behave and manipulates others to believe him... He plays poor hard working single parent and has kids believing that if they say anything CPS will take them away from the narsasist he is and because of trauma inflicted on my kids by CPS or DCS they're scare to end up like me... My kids are told so many negative things about me.... I have always said and stated I had mental health issues but no clue how to get help... I even made a report when my youngest came to a visit with belt marks and I provided it to police officer and nothing was done multiple times asked for someone to really help my girls but stated because I say something happened didn't mean they had to go take my kids from him. HELP SUPPORT PRESENT CHALLENGES I lack ability to focused with so many flashbacks and running thoughts over my girls... I would be willing to do anything... please please please please help me DENISE CORONA
I'm sorry to hear about all you've experienced and are going through now. If you aren't currently working with a therapist, I would encourage you to seek support from someone who had a depth of understanding around these issues. You don't have to, nor can you, heal all this one your own. Many communities in the US and in other parts of the world have rape crisis centers that work with people who've experienced similar things, whether past or present. You can find one (if there is one in your community) by googling your town or zip code and "rape crisis". Also, being connected to others with similar experiences can help in the healing process. The community we have here is a beautiful community of support and understanding. Best to you as you navigate this incredibly difficult time. ❤️
Faith Loveay I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I know how overwhelming all the fears and feelings can be. And how they can leave you feeling more hopeless. There is a way out, but you can't do it alone. I hope you are able to find someone to help you heal.
Do you think it's possible a for someone to heal without any kind of therapy? I feel the need to maybe finally talk to someone all these years later but not sure who to talk to or even where to for such help. I feel like I'm an emotional ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. One day I'm fine then the next I might go off on someone. As a young girl I had anger issues and even had a hard time I feel cause I felt so bad about myself, the abuse,etc.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, Mary. I don't doubt at all that your diffiuclties are connected to your childhood experience. I'm glad you are considering embarking on your healing journey. I don't think it's possible to heal on your own, without the help of someone who truly understands what it means to live with the impact of childhood abuse. It's never too late to start your journey. I'd be happy to speak with you about options and/or how to move forward. I offer a free 15 min consultation.
Hi Peggy, I have a question for you, I hear you talking about copping mecanizims with child abuse, the question is are there any differences and what are they when the abuse happens in adulthood? Thanks for sharing all this helpful information.
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW Thank you for the reply, I now wish I watched videos about the subject 1 year ago when she told me what happened to her instead of having stupid arguments and breaking up 2 times because I didn't know how to deal with what she was going through.
Can you make a video about sexual abuse and mental illness- associated with delusions and hallucination?. More specifically incest-on going abuse from childhood into my adulthood with the same predator.
Thank you for the suggestion. I'm not sure I'm understanding your question clearly. Please send an email to qanda@courageousjourneys.com with your question, possibly adding a little more info so I understand a bit better what you're looking for. Thank you for being part of the CJ TH-cam tribe.
i say thank you for bringing this video on with your beautiful personality having great courage being able to talk about your experiences of all your abuse having to endure with all the attached humility,and left with abundance of shame having great courage coming out explaining with all important pertinent information about it all what took place happening,and i say you explain it all very well,and i say this video has importance to helping others that don’t have access or any way to talk to anyone,and i say can be very helpful,and can be healing ,keep more of your great videos coming,😘🧸🙏Namaste ,We Must Keep The Faith,Hope,And Never Give Up
Im 30 and was sexually assalted when i was 12 by my mothers ex husbands father. Honestly i have been telling myself that it could have been worse and i dont think about it. It is very vivid in my mind exactly what happened but i also deny that it happened. What triggered me was Dr. Fords testimony against Kavanaugh. I hate politics and dont watch the news so its crazy that i woke up to the trial and all along i never thought of my trauma as sexual assault. I always thought that meant that there was sex involved or something of that nature so when i looked it up me being a child when it happened as well as her i had a complete breakdown. He tried to stick his tounge in my mouth, he was 80. It could have been way worse but i need to understand that my trauma is still valid. Idk where to go from here.
Thank you for watching and sharing. You are definitely not alone in having so many things brought up since the Kavanaugh hearing. I'm glad you're recognizing that your experience matters as much as anyone else's. My thought about where to go from here is get professional support in helping you through the healing process. None of us can heal on our own. You can start with your local rape crisis center (yes, your experience would allow you to be seen there). I also have a FB group for Survivors if that feels like something that might be helpful. I also recently opened an online digital course you might find helpful. The facebook group can be found here courageousjourneys.com/courageouswarriors/ & the course/group can be found here courageousjourneys.com/jtw/. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions about either.
Good video I share a lot of those mechanisms and had a history of the same type of abuse but right now I'm dealing with physical and mental issues as a result of combat. So I completely relate to your story and others, there are so many new age spiritual people here on You tube claiming they can help, it can be extremely dangerous so I am glad you have the credentials and experience behind your videos. Good luck on You tube.
Hi Gary. Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment. I hope you are getting the support and help you need to heal your childhood and more recent experiences. When you have a history of childhood trauma, any traumatic experience as an adult is compounded. They may be very different experiences but internally they are experienced in similar ways. Thank you for your service and support here on TH-cam.
I'm glad you were able to learn a thing or two. :) Thank you for watching. I do live Q&As on occasion (tomorrow will be the next Dec 3) where you can ask anything you'd like to know more about.
There is so much work to do in the quest to hold perpetrators responsible. This would go a long way in helping in the healing process. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I have been sexually abused. No one knows anything about this. They only know im in depression. But not helping me. Ive been take prozac since august. I feel better but sometimes i want to die..nothing seems going to be okay (sometimes) i wish someone help me. But no one cares.
I'm so sorry you're struggling and feeling alone. If you are not currently seeing someone to help you heal, I would suggest contacting your local rape crisis center. They generally provide resources/counseling for people with childhood sexual abuse at low or no cost. You can do a google search for "rape crisis" and add your zip code. I hope you are able to get the help and support you deserve. You are not alone.
I'm so glad you found this helpful. Sibling abuse adds to the complexity of both disclosing and healing. I hope your mom is able to hold the space for you to share with her and receive support.
Don’t give up! I was sexually abused as a child. I am now 65 years old. I am a successful attorney, with a wonderful family and a very meaningful life. I did not get any help except that I did not turn against God and seemed to be able to talk to Him. For some reason, I did not blame him for what happened to me. I was able to maintain my relationship with God. I am convinced that is what saved me. It was a long, lonely road and took me a long time to heal...I think I am still healing. But it does get better! Please don’t give up! Even if you can’t talk to anyone else, you can talk to God in complete privacy and don’t have to worry about him telling anyone! It helps!
Anna banana I was abused at the age of 12 now I am 15 my parents says to me that ur alright. I say to them I want to go to therapy they dont let me in any hospital for therapy.my father always emotionally abuse me. I am suffering a lot but I can't do anything about it....after having PTSD things go a lot worse my school mates teases me my parents shot at me now what should I do
Hi! I just started therapy, and there was some sort of mild abuse in my life. I have not discussed this with my therapist, she asked me about my childhood and I said it was fine. Will she know that I lied? We are addressing why I am depressed , angry, detached, drink too much, hate myself, and some defense mechanisms. Do you think she will think that they are a result of abuse?
Hi Blue. Thanks for the question. I'm not sure if she will think you are lying. However, is she knows much about treating sexual abuse, she will likely recognize the symptoms. Additionally, most of tend to think of it more as not feeling safe enough to share the abuse rather than lying about it. I would encourage you to share it with her as soon as you feel ready. Otherwise, she is only going to be able to treat the symptoms instead of the underlying cause. You mentioned "mild abuse". I would say abuse is abuse. Wherever you may fall in the "severity continuum", the potential impact is the same. Good luck with your therapy.
Thank you so much for answering my question! I do have one additional question. I yelled at my therapist for no reason, not sure why I did that. And she didn't even get upset... Do you think you could make a video about how to deal with anger and also how to be angry at the right person. My therapist is so nice and sometimes the questions just make me so mad, they are just simple questions. I don't know how to tell her that I get so mad but it doesn't make any sense.
Blue Green Anger, especially misdirected anger, is a very common issue for many people. Thanks for the suggestion. Again, I'm guessing your therapist probably recognizes what is happening. If you are comfortable doing so, it would be good for you to acknowledge it to her so you can begin to process what the anger/reaction is really about.
I found out that I was abused by my own mother around the age of 3. I'm now a 46 Yr old man. I feel like my whole life is falling apart. No one really understands. No one who knows my mother believes me. I'm labelled as the spoilt selfish son who doesn't help his elderly mother enough. Now I can't trust my partner as I constantly think they are cheating on me.
I'm sorry you're having to live with this experience and are not being believed. There is so much betrayal you've experienced... and to heal. I hope you have the professional support you need and deserve.
I don't understand why is minimizing consider a coping mechanism? you have mentioned that comparison to others was a way to minimize the individual trauma. However I would like to share that, comparison is also done in many ways such as when a person scored 51 in a test might compare with the one who failed at 49 marks. A person who was born in a poor family might make a comparison to someone who is in worser financial state. Isn't these comparison a normal way of thinking? I suspect many people secretly does compare in order to comfort themself in the way of saying, "be thankful for what you have, as someone out there had it worser than you and yet they can survive" is that minimizing? I do minimize and rationalize when I was a child, however i did not see it as a bad thing or termed it as coping mechanism. I just felt that it allows me to maintain my sanity throughout childhood. Rather, to keep on ruminating over the past and the way it has impacted an individual life, tends to cause depression. It is more important to focus on how to get out of the side effects and overcome it rather than to keep focusing on the abuse side effects. Nobody can go back in time to avoid it no matter how much injustice and anger it caused, the truth is it happened and it was in the past. Focus on getting rid of the side effects it caused you. yes, it is unfair. someone sexually abuse a vulnerable innocent person and caused them many difficulties in life. Someone just gave our life so much shit and they got away with it and we are left to clear up the mess.
+littlehamster83 Thank you for taking the time to comment. You bring up some really good points. When you say you thought the way you thought as a child was a way to maintain your sanity, that's exactly what I'm referring to. A coping mechanism allows us to get through, feel better about, or not stay stuck in a place of pain. It is the way most of us tend to think. We're even taught to "look at the bright side" or "it could always be worse". I actually agree with both of these ideas. The problem is, when you've been abused and you tell yourself someone else had it worse, you are denying the significance, pain, impact, etc (at least to a degree). As I always say, you cannot heal what you deny is wounded. Just because someone may have had it worse doesn't mean your wasn't as significant in the sense of how you're effected by it. By minimizing your experience you reinforce it wasn't that big of a deal, you shouldn't be effected by it, or should be over it. I hope that helps. I'm thinking I might do a video just on minimizing to help explain a little better. :)
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW Thanks for the reply. I have read previously from articles that said rumination lead to depression. It felt true to me as when a person consistently ruminate, think about the unhappy memories, injustice, one will get more depressed. Many people said to think life in a postive way. Such as there are people out there had a more difficult life and they can survive. If we accept the trauma we had as what is it, it is bad, and not trying to think positive, not minimising, not comparing to the worser experience people encounter, then we put ourselves in a chronic cycle of rumination. Thinking "optimistically"/minimizing actually is quite a common psychological response that not just survivors have. Also, this response are just a way of saying, be thankful of what you have as someone else have to deal with much worser situations. If we not think this way, we will be caught up in rumination cycle that goes like, "it is unfair this happen to me" / "i never hurt you, how can you hurt me" / "it is unfair i am left to deal with the side effects such as anxiety" / "my life was stolen and i'll never know what it is like to have a normal happy childhood". Thinking such a way is surely to trigger depression when this rumination doesn't stop. it is impossible to forgive because it wasn't your fault. No justice was given to you, no apology. There is nothing. At such state, if one doesn't minimize or think optimistic way, a person can be stuck in depression. I don't understand why thinking optimistically/minimizing a trauma does not allow a victim to completely heal? And how do we know that a victim has completely healed? I still think rumination lead to depression. Overthinking about the trauma and injustice cannot undo the trauma. What a person can do is to focus on overcoming the side effects it caused such as anxiety or depression or ocd. It is already bad enough that such injustice occur to anyone.
+littlehamster83 Rumination is very different than acknowledging the pain. I agree, if you sit with constant thoughts about abuse, the pain, injustice, and everything else, of course it is not a good thing. Minimizing is used as a tool to "deny" that you've been hurt, or at least the extent you've been hurt. If you don't allow yourself to recognize the impact it has had on you, you don't have the opportunity to heal it. It's kind of like the difference between hurting your ankle and telling yourself it is a small sprain when in fact it is broken. Will you learn to live with a broken ankle? Probably. Can you be grateful your foot or leg didn't have to be amputated? Of course. But, if you don't address the break, you will never be able to use that leg in the same way. It's not about laying around and feeling bad that you broke your ankle, it's about acknowledging the reality of the problem so you can repair/cure it.
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW so how do I recognize the "impacts" of the trauma has had on me? How do i know for sure that the problems i faced now is due to the abuse, and not part of my personality. it is hard because people would tell me "i am an adult now,take responsibility for my life instead of blaming my childhood" they say i blame my childhood when what i did i was trying to tell them that trauma made my life difficult. nobody is willing to accept how i think and feel. will it be possible to check out my channel for the video i made vaguely about how my life was imapcted? it is hard to tell because it happened when i was 5 or 6, and everything felt changed. thanks!
+littlehamster83 I'm sorry people have been so dismissive of your experience. Unfortunately, this is the type of response many survivors face with their families, and sometimes friends. I would encourage you to look into a book called Courage to Heal. It can help you recognize the overall impact of being abused. It's a great book. However, I would encourage you to take it slow and if possible, work with a professional while you go through it. It can be overwhelming to do on your own.
cont. from last post. Then I looked up all the symptoms of sexual abuse and I checked off almost all of them. I had knowledge of sexual matters at the age of around 5 years old. I used to undress my barbie dolls and make them touch each other. I began to compulsively masturbate at the age of around 5 years old and would flash the boys on my block my private parts. I also struggled in my relationships with men who were all abusive and sexually deviant. I suffered with constant anxiety, insomnia, panic, phobias, and depression. I always felt a sense of disconnection to myself and what I wanted. I never knew what I was supposed to do. I always felt inferior to others almost like my existence didnt matter. I felt invisible. And I felt a lot of shame about who I am. I just know something happened but I have no memory of it. How do you access the memory? So I can move on? Sorry this is so long.
+Stephieandcheech Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story. It is so difficult to trust what you "know" when you don't have memories. However, you don't need to have specific memories in order to heal. I know it may seem impossible, but it can happen. Of course, I can't know whether it happened, but your symptoms certainly point to the likelihood. I would definitely encourage you to work with someone who has a lot of experience in working with survivors.
Hi,i say it all has great meanings from all of it as because it went on for so many times that it all became unforgettable with all the memories of all of it,and most certainly great amount of worrying about what was going to happen next,and of course next time what was going to happen to no end of it causing depression,anxiety,ocd,cpstd,,and addictions,thank you for video as you showed your courage in many ways and got threw most of it,love Denny😘🙏🦋
Christian Carrington Denial shows up as any way you think or speak about your experience that minimizes the reality or impact of the abuse/assault. Telling yourself it didn't happen, making excuses for the perpetrator, or telling yourself it isn't a big deal are all examples, though there are many other things you might think or say as well.
The last thing i want to so os talk about how I was tramatised. I need to talk about it,hating it and making me freak out, to defend myself of how worse ot could have been. Simply put it was a lesser of two evils. I dont think about it i had pain and i fought with boiling blood.
One of the most important things in choosing to talk about abuse is making sure you're sharing with someone who you feel you can trust. Ideally it would be a professional who can help you navigate this journey. Thank you for watching.
I cant seem ti keep even one friend and a boyfriend oo i think ill b alone forever. Do i pick the wrong people yeah sometimes but i cant social right. Idk
Hi Faith, Many of us struggle with relationships. When you've been betrayed, especially if it was someone you completely trusted and had to rely on, it is a long process of intentional work to learn to trust again. I hope you give yourself the support and help you deserve.
You're welcome, Niamh. I did a quick check for a place to start in Ireland and found a few options, depending on your location. I am not able to put links on here, but if you'd like to send me an email, I'd be happy to send you the links.
All great questions. I have no doubt at all other people have probably wondered the same things. So thanks for asking. I've decided to do a video to elaborate more. I should be posting in the next few days. Hopefully it answers your questions. But, if not, please let me know.
Thank you for this video. I'm wondering if you are able to make a video on this topic for those of us who were sexually abused / traumatised by child on child sexual abuse. Over the course of 18 months more or less, at the age of 9, 10, 11, I was made to engage in a number of adult sexual acts by someone around the same age (don't remember his exact age, maybe a bit older). It also included attempted penetration and (going by USA descriptions of rape, also rape). This person was a friend. So I believed I consented and it was my choice. But I did tell my concerns of getting pregnant and wanting to stop. Which it didn't for a long time. Only when the fear of becoming pregnant and being found to be so bad and disgusting got so great did i finally put a stop to it. And this resulted in a change of character on his part threatening to tell my family what we'd done. And actually tricking me and informing my brother in a sly way. He has had a psychological head lock over me for decades with the power of shaming me by letting this info out. However because he was a child I've never thought that this was abuse because he didn't have the same level of culpability as an adult. But the effects of what happened are significant and have stumped my psychological, sexual, emotional development causing decades of damaging effects. How can Survivors of child on child sexual abuse deal with the added level of shame that their trauma isn't as valid as adult to child abuse which is more clear cut in terms of blame? Thank you
Thanks so much for watching. I have actually done a video (maybe more than 1?). I will try to come back in later to share a link. I'm sorry, I don't remember which video it is off the top of my head. This is definitely something that causes people to minimize and rationalize the abuse quit a bit. You are not alone. ❤️
its all good that your talking about this but i never could understand why more and more of it continued right into the future at paticular times and where it might have come from unless it might of been because of being at the wrong place at the wrong time so i just learned to let it go in the best way i could like accepting it when there's nothing you can do about it,thank you,love Denny😘🙏🦋🥕🧡🐯
I so with that for you too. ❤️ The betrayal experienced from this can be incredibly devastating. In fact, healing this wound can often take more to heal than from the abuse itself. Thank you for watching and sharing.
I have quite a few videos in which I talk about coping mechanisms, including a few in which I go into depth a bit on each I talk about here. Is there something in particular I might be able to point you to?
I've avoidied talking about my sexual abuse after therapy because I don't want to I know what happened to me was horrible and scary and now I have struggle with PTSD as a rape survivor I never really feel like talking about It I feel like i do I'm gonna cry and not be able to stop
Your fear about crying is something so many people have. With all the people I've held space for over the years, the fear has never come true. It's important to have someone who understands and can support you through it though. Crying in isolation reinforces any shame, fear, or unworthiness. Thank you for watching.
Where do you get help??? I’m screaming to safe myself but I’m not rich or barely making who will tell me where to get help for a second chance?? I’m an adult
I'm sorry you've not been able to get the help you deserve. If you live in the US, or in several other countries, you can search for "rape crisis" with your zip code, province, city, etc. Rape crisis centers typically provide free or low cost counseling services for services. You can also join me on Facebook for inspiration and connection. facebook.com/courageousjourneys
Hi hannahmontanachikey. Thanks for taking the time to watch & comment. I'd be happy to expand on what "validate" means. Without knowing what you are referring to specifically, I will do my best to answer your question. Since I will be talking about it more generally, please let me know if I completely miss what you wanted to know :), or if there is something more I can add. In regards to the need to validate in order for healing to happen, I mean acknowledgement that is was real, traumatic, that it never should have happened, and you were in no way responsible. This validation is important from others, but maybe more significantly, from within you. Don't hesitate to let me know if there are more questions or anything I can help with.
I am not step 1 at all I can not only tell people what happened but it hits home every time I have anger. Step 2 is not me either I know my pain and face it head on.validation is my issue I have done it but my brother that molested me at 8 will not validate. I did block it out until I fell in love at 19 with a grate man that hit home with wanting to make love I was only used to sex due to that being all I had ever known so I started having flash backs . early in life he molested me and as I grew every male I knew was trying to get in my pants and I think that's why I gained weight and have not lost it is to keep others from wanting me . Minimizing nope I am waiting out his life so I know he can not ever hurt some other person. I have no rationalehe had no write he took away my chance to have a brother a person to help me know what comes next and trust and talk to . and yes I'm so mad that the people that should have protected me and no one was there he was left with me and I was little and knew nothing should have been done or said . I blame mom for staying in a bad real with my dad yet at 14 he left her and she uprooted me she waited. I feel bad that may pain has continued to drag my husband threw my dark hole as I scratch the walls trying to get out. We have been married over 20 years and are now retierd do to a wreck that almost killed him I am home with him 24 7 and in still not where I want to be mentally. I want to be happy I want my brother to tell the truth and say I'm sorry but I will have to wait to hear he is dead instead.
I can't speak specifically to why I may have been laughing in this video as I created it a long time ago. Though I do want to say my laughter is never about minimizing the significance or seriousness of abuse. Hopefully you've seen that if you've seen any of my other videos.
I'm not sure what your comment is supposed to mean. However this video has nothing to do with codependency or being an introvert. If you'd like to elaborate, I'm more than happy to address your thoughts.
I'm not sure what the context of this comment is. However, I'm not sure it's helpful. I can, with certainty say if all you are doing is laughing about your abuse, it will not be helpful in true healing. It would create further damage by denying the significance of the experience.
Hi Cantrell. I'm not sure if you are saying that I act like abuse is no big deal? If so, that's certainly not the case and I'm curious what you saw or heard that would leave you with that impression? It would be helpful to know so I have the opportunity to make sure it doesn't continue to happen.
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Hi, I think what matters a lot to me is that my family never understood. I shouldn’t have to keep justifying why didn’t I do this, or that, or why didn’t I say something. I’m really sensitive about it and I still feel blamed. I still keep trying to make family understand about abuse.
My much older sister said to me, “Linda, I know you say it started at age 10 but couldn’t you have said no when you were 14 or 15.
I can’t forget or bury the anger I feel about that comment. It sits with me throughout the years. I don’t want to feel anger and resentment. I just want to feel supported but I never was supported through sexual abuse. It caused a lot of damage. I was 10 when it started. He was my other older sisters fiancé and after he abused me I could not hurt my sister by telling my family because I couldn’t hurt her. By the time I was 14 he had done so much manipulating and white washing my mind that I was helpless. I don’t know if you can still reply, but maybe just writing it down will help in some way.
I’ve never been able to trust a Man to not let me down again, and I married a Man who was a friend, and I’ve been lonely throughout my life. I push anyone away who says they have feelings for me because I can’t cope with the thought of being hurt. X
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share some of your story. It makes complete sense you would be angry, among many other feelings. I'm sorry your family is not providing the support you deserve. This adds so much to the depth of healing needed. I hope you are able to find or have the professional support you deserve.
How are you doing?
@@talithasuya8908 Hello, thanks for asking. I’m doing good. I have been working towards getting a proper sleep/ wake routine. I find I get tired very easily. That is difficult and I’ve never found an answer to it. I take one day at a time and just try my best. And how are you? 😀
@@lindabeeston7408 Thanks so much for taking a moment to answer. Glad you're doing well. Interestingly, I'm doing well also but am struggling with extreme fatigue. Not sure if it's depression or my depression medication. 🙄😅 But otherwise I'm feeling settled and hopeful about the future.
@@talithasuya8908 Hi, yes, I’m with you there. I feel tired a lot. I do have a good memory and I have felt tired since my early thirties. I’ve have never worked out why though. But I can only do a small amount each day, and if I deviate from this I know I will need to sleep all that evening, night and the dawn through till lunch time.
Niamh, unfortunately, I think it's pretty impossible to heal/recover if you don't talk about it. Through sharing your story, you literally allow it to leave your body & mind. It doesn't mean you do it one time and your healed, but it is the first step. Sometimes it can be easier to share with a friend the first time. Though I do think it's important, and probably necessary, at some time work with a therapist who specializes in abuse. I've had clients who haven't told anyone before they shared with me.
I recently shared a quote that said "you no longer have a secret, you have a story". This is why sharing with someone is so important. Secrets continue to perpetuate and grow shame.
I know it can be incredibly scary. It is one of the most vulnerable, but also courageous things you will ever do. If you need help finding someone, I'd be happy to help you do a search in your area.
I have recently disclosed my Father's sexual abused to me and numerous underage girls. Its been a really painful process and I've been cast out by my family. It's awful. People need to speak about this stuff because it's so damaging in your life. I'm 54 and have only just spoke about it.
its really hard somedays and I mean really hard. my father molested me from the age of 7 to 16. i wasnt allowed to have a childhood. I stuffer from PTSD. I'll get mad so easily, I'll argue with my teachers for nothing.
Thank you for watching and commenting, Lilly. I know how hard those days can be. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you are getting the help and support you deserve.
lilly langford 💖
I’m sorry this happened to you Lily!! I hope your healing Journey continues to go well!!
So sorry.i went thru something but I can't say because if I bring it up it takes awhile to put it in the back of my mind.but I do understand you breath and just let it out and know your beautiful your still special your for God.sorry that happened
Peggy,I used to have really bad anxiety and other problems. The tools I am about to give you absolutely changed my anxiety and problems 100%. Try being of service to other people. Everyday ask yourself what you can do to help someone. That attitude of being of service to other people completely changed my problems. They just faded away.
Thank you for sharing. I agree that being in service to others can be profound. It is important though to make sure it doesn't come at the expense of your own well being. Often people can be so much of service to others as a way to feel they are worthy or have value and neglect their own needs and boundaries. This can be problematic because it can reinforce an idea that you are only valuable if you give of yourself.
What if she doesn't want or even need the tools you're about to give her?? Anyways, your approach sounds like a masculine way of coping. Someone oriented towards the feminine polarity is probably already being of service to others, to the point where they feel like a used doormat. I don't think more service to others is what they would need, but rather being of service to their OWN soul.
@PeggyOliveiraMSW For me, I am trying to change things and have a say. The denial of others, when they have been abused, actually angers me. Abuse is a crime, and when you do not report a crime, it is like corruption.
I feel so calm when I listen to your voice despite very difficult subject ...... Very helpful information!
Thank you.
I notice that women make many excuses and justifications for others and they negate their own reality like they abandon themselves and what happened to them maybe men too, but it's almost like a personal betrayal to themselves right?
Women are almost never in general taught to celebrate themselves.I think because in many many homes female children are discriminated against by the father.So self love is hindered in girls.
It's that stigma...this just couldn't didn't happen it takes a while to process reality yes it did!
Extremely painful event.I just heard of a man who raped another and the victim killed himself...I guess the humiliation was just too much.I wonder what the doctor can say to help alleviate the incredible shame that many experience.
I personally think that when someone has the physical power and the malice to want to subject you to extreme humiliation in order to well really kill you emotionally maybe hoping you commit suicide but they wait and watch to see if you do it for them.I think that when you realize THE THOUGHT THE INTENT WITH WHICH THEY ACTED TO TEAR YOU TO PIECES...THAT RIGHT THERE IS CALLED CONSIDERING THE SOURCE, WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND TRULY WHAT HE IS DOING...THAT SHOULD GIVE MOST VICTIMS THE STRENGTH TO OVERPOWER THE ABUSERS ACT, BY GIVING THEMSELVES SELF LOVE, THERAPY AND INSISTING ON THEIR WELL BEING.
You come off as a very soothing and trustworthy person, I can imagine you do well working with people who have lots of shame and attachment issues. thank you for the video 🖒
Thank you. It's my pleasure.
I am currently in the process of healing from abuse. This came up on my suggested videos and I took your name as a sign to take notice of. (my favourite song is about a lady called Peggy.) and I'm so glad I did. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It was very difficult, but needed. Thank you for making this.
+Flamingo Williams Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm glad you honored that sign. :) I'm also glad you found the video helpful. Good luck as you navigate this journey.
Nicole Hanes, Thank you for watching and commenting. Being abused by another child creates a whole different set of issues to work through. It can be difficult to let go of the rationalizing and minimizing coping mechanisms which often develop.
Children can and do abuse other children. It happens all the time. There are several factors that would determine whether it would be conidered a "crime". However, the impact is the same regardless. As you said, you can't even begin to think about abusing someone else. This is the case for the majority (BY FAR) of people who are abused. And BY FAR, the majority of people who are abused DO NOT abuse other people. Whether someone was abused or not, it NEVER excuses what they may choose to do to someone else.
Unfortunately, I've heard from many people who have shared their abuse experience with a supposed trained professional, who minimizes or dismisses the significance of their experience. If this happens, you need to find someone else!
In regards to not knowing what to think...trust yourself. You know what happened and you know the impact it's had on you.
S Clark I think you may have misunderstood what I said. I meant "crime" in the sense it may not be something the authorities would consider arresting (detaining) and prosecuting (adjudicating) someone for. Just as it is very unfortunate most sexual abuse/assault crimes are not prosecuted in general. I also go on to say the impact on the victim is the same whether the authorities view it as a crime or not.
S Clark Thank you for clarifying. I am in complete agreement! :)
we should go out for dinner
Peggy Oliveira, MSW . My pastors wife doesn't believe my sexual assault. It hurts me really bad
I'm sorry you were not believed, Soraya. Please don't let this person's reaction keep you from speaking your truth and getting the help you deserve. If you are in the U.S. you can search for rape crisis in your zip code for a place that can provide resources and support.
Interesting I never really aknowledge or excepted how much the abuse effected me by minimizing and excusing the amount of times and that it wasn't violent.
The fact that I was only around 11 and enjoyed it really screwed my up as it was a family member I have always felt disgusted in my self even tho I was the victim.
I am 54 and realize how much it has stolen from me in as much as I have never had a truly beautiful and nurturing sexual relationship with anyone in my life.
I want to experience that one day. Thank you for this video.
I'm glad you found this video helpful. I'm sorry you've been living with this pain and I hope you get the help and support you deserve. It will take time but healing is possible.
@@PeggyOliveiraMSW I have not been able to heal. Am 76. It is present in my life at all times. Every interaction. I am not sure as to what to do.
Your deep voice express lots of experience with THIS matter or part of them still you seemed you trying to overcome them by inspiring others with their positive coping mechanism thanks for your post , bravery and time.
faisal1979m Thank you for taking the time to comment and your kind words.
What happens when you dont remember being sexually abused but feel strongly that something must have happened.
A few days ago I had a nightmare, where I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a man in the darkness coming towards me, I knew he was going to molest me, I began to scream, but no voice would come out. I finally got a look at the man and saw it was my uncle and then I woke up. I had to shake it off because this dream seemed so real.
Then I began to think about this uncle to try and remember if he ever touched me. What I do remember is that when me and my brother were little kids my uncle would always want us to go fetch him some beer from the basement and while down there we would see his display of naked women all over the walls. Me and my brother talked about it, and remember that my uncle would make us go down there everytime we came to visit and we would giggle about seeing all his porn.
Im gonna have to post again because Im gonna get cut off.
I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. Many people don't have clear memories of abuse. However most people, when they really listen to their instincts, know if something happened. Working with someone may help you sort out the truth of your experience...to help you learn to listen to your instincts about it.
My memories first came back as a vivid dream, too. Also, in an earlier imagining as a young adult, I had a man coming at me and I was cringing absolutely terrified in a corner of a bathroom. It was my father. Your deep feelings will teach you who to trust and who was not trustworthy. So much of the healing work requires you to feel your way into the darkness. Wishing you the power of self-belief and a trustworthy witness of your process as you heal!
I was good at avoiding the feelings. Even now I suffer from its made me hard for people to interact with, I have only recently gotten to where I express more than either anger or happiness.
Thank you for watching. It is definitely a work in progress. It takes time for it to become a more natural state of being. Good for you for taking these steps.
Hello Peggy,
I just watched this Video, again! It brings tears to my eyes. It feels great to hear you talk about how healing is available to me and those who struggle with childhood abuse, (Any abuse, in fact!) I appreciate your reaching out and saying how much you "believe" in all of use! Thank YOU! Colleen
My pleasure, Colleen. So glad you feel connected and inspired.
Hi Niamh. Thanks so much for taking the time to watch and comment. I'm so happy to hear you like and find inspiration in the videos. It's amazing how often these ways of coping show up in peoples lives. You are certainly not alone. Unfortunately, self-harm is a very common coping mechanism as well.
It can be very difficult to think about talking to someone about your struggles and experiences. However, I have found that the thinking is often the most difficult part...the apprehension, expectations, and fears. Once you take the first step you find it's not as bad as you expected. There are some stories on my blog from April of 2013 that might be helpful in taking that step. You deserve to be free of the impact of abuse.
Thanks again. Feel free to join us on the blog, facebook, twitter, & google+ too.
Hello Peggy,
Thank you so much for presenting this information about the coping techniques used after sexual abuse. My daughter was abused at age 5, by a 5 year old boy (although I didn't know about the boy's history, I feel responsible for leaving her in that situation). At that time, I was a nursing student and knew the signs of sexual abuse. She exhibited some of them so I had a talk with her, making sure to not prompt her for answers. I was very distraught, as any parent would be. But my emotions had gotten to the point where, at times I just would wail. This lasted about 2 weeks. My husband would take my daughter out, or I left the house so she didn't have to bear the responsibility of my feelings. I then came to the realization that I had repressed memories of my own abuse, and they all rushed back. I got treatment for her right away with an amazing therapist. She went back a few years later when I felt that she needed more therapy, and again on a couple of occasions while she was a teen. She now seeks treatment if she feels the need to (she is now 27). After the first round of therapy I was instructed not to bring the incident up to her anymore. I'm really not sure if that was the correct thing to do. I thought she might repress her experience as I did, then employ the unhealthy mechanisms that you've spoken about. I also wonder if she back then, and even now harbors feelings of resentment toward me because I personally didn't address any of her feelings (I also felt that being so close to situation might be detrimental, considering my raw emotions). When she became an adult I did approach her once about it. My intention was not to stir up memories and feelings. It was only to ask how she had been handling the situation, and if therapy was helping. Right away, she told me that she didn't want to talk about it. I'm hoping that I handled the situation correctly, both then and now, or if it would've better to address it with her at a younger age. I would also love to share your post, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I'd love to know your opinion on all of this (I see that you answer the coments here).
Thanks so much!
Kristen
Hi Kristen. Thanks so much for watching. It would be hard to say what the "right" thing might have been. Though it seems you considered your daughter and her needs and acted based on that. Which, ultimately, matters significantly. I've heard from many people that sharing a video or my channel with someone helped with creating a conversation and/or inspire that person to begin or continue their healing. Best to you and your daughter.
Thank you for your informative and heartfelt videos. I am just now trying to uncover repressed memories, am reading Courage to Heal, working with a therapist, and doing a workbook. I am wondering if it is appropriate for a survivor who is female to have a male therapist, if the abuser was a male. This video is so true about minimizing, denying and rationalizing.
Thank you for watching and commenting. The most important thing about the person you are working with is that you feel safe, supported, and understood. If you are able to feel that way with a man, then it's perfectly ok. Sometimes, it can actually be really helpful to have a healthy experience with a man so you can learn not all men are likely to be the same.
Every time I see a program on tv of a child being sexually abused it brings back dark memory. I was around 10 to 13 years old when I was physically mentally and sexually abused. I was taken out of public school placed into a private school for children with learning disability. I remember acting out against the school throwing chairs anything to relieve my anger I had and still have a lot of anger. I try not to act out I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night. I have tried to take my own life the pain was so great. All I do now is wait till my life ends on its own. What really kills is the death of my sister she was the only one I can talk too. I have lot that no one to really talk to now. She gets me and now she gone. All the mixed confused emotions is literally killing me. I wrote quiet a few poems to relieve my anger. To me healing seems to be impossible. I tried to but I get a lot of flashbacks. The feeling that I feel I could never wish them on anyone. I stay up so many nights just wishing my life would end. Talking about it is very hard. I guess you can say I’m one messed up and confused person. I always look at it as this boys and men are not suppose to be able to get sexually abused. We should be able to defend ourself. I was told if I tell anyone of my sexual abuse people family friends would hate me and there’s the being gay part everyone will think I’m that way as well so my abuser said. I stayed quiet for along time till I had to come out about it. I downed a bunch of pills. And I was asked why so I told the guidance counselor in my school. I do not think I was taken seriously at the time. I still have a lot of pain. How can someone such as me get over it.
I have used Dr Christopher K. Cornine Phd. He used EMDR light therapy for me to help. I can't explain how it works but it was a tremendous help to me. I don't know where you live but look emdr therapy up. www.diakonoscounseling.com/new-page-5/ is the web page. I hope you seek help because it can get better.
Thank you for all the videos Peggy. Ive had so many "aha" moments I cant count. I dont feel alone in my feelings and thoughts after hearing how common they are . I still feel embarrased and ashamed when I try to talk about it. Im really close getting the courage to seek help. I just get nervous to talk about it because my husband is the only one that knows. Im a newleywed and thankfully my husband has been so supportive.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I LOVE hearing about "aha" moments. :) Shame takes quite a bit of time to release but you will get there. If you find someone who truly understand these issues, that person will feel honored to hear your story. Best to you as you start this journey.
thank you for this video, it was really helpful, i ve been avoiding dealing with this a long time but i think its time for me to do so. again thanks
+Lm bl Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm so glad you found the video helpful and are recognizing it's your time to heal. Making this decision can feel overwhelming, but you deserve to heal and none of us can do it alone.
This video woke me up to so much about myself and so so much more... it was one of the defining moments of so much acceptance for me so thank you!!!!
I'm so happy you found such understanding and acceptance in this video.
Hi, i looked help for understanding whats going on with me and you put some clarity in my thoughts. I'm the girl on the far end of the spectrum who has been hurt by many amounts when i was a child and teenager..children and adult abusers . anyway. I'm trying to get help because I'm sick of being told i need help. i keep trying to forget it. thank you for the light you shared.
+Jessie W Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm so happy the video helped you gain understanding and you are going to get help. We all need someone to help us heal and you deserve to have the life waiting for you on the other side of healing.
Thank you
Anxiety and depression goes together like salt and pepper. We also have denial that may manifest many ways; eating disorders, over-active libido, dissociative personality disorder. I dare say child sexual abuse by caretakers who are liked by others is worse than trauma of war. Because you share a war with others, you share the fear and blood. But walking around in a peaceful small town carrying this and denying it for years is worse.
There are so many ways this makes both the impact and healing more challenging. Thanks for watching.
Hi Peggy, Thank you so much for sharing and boosting among us the commitment to the healing process.I am therapist as well, and I would like to have some information about techniques and ways to help people who have been victim of sexual abuse. The best for you
cristina carmona Thank you for watching & commenting. With the number of people who experience childhood abuse, I think it's so important every mental health professional have training in the significance of what that really means. I'm happy you are interested in learning more. There are a lot of great trainings, in particular I would suggest anything by John Briere. He has a couple of books. Personally, I don't think healing abuse is about "techniques" it's more about relationship & understanding (yours & clients). Of course, creating healthy coping, anxiety reduction, etc is important in regards to coping mechanisms. If you are intrested, I provide limited professional consultation as well. Good luck!
Is it possible to heal from childhood abuse without the help of another?
Recently, my family has found out about my childhood abuse. Up until now, I have never breathed a word about it. Just turning 21, I thought I had put it behind me. Now that it is resurfacing, I can see the long term effects it has taken on my behaviors and ability to form relationships.
All my family wants to do is sit down and talk- but they’re the last people I would ever speak about it to.
I am a college student, and can’t exactly pay the cost of a professional. But I also will not speak to anyone I know about what happened.
I have read articles on ways to cope with such trauma, as well as watching videos such as yours. In time can I see my own healing through?
This is really useful. Can you go into more detail in a future blog about the 'it wasn't that bad' response, minimising it. I'm interested in whether people have reactions that are out of proportion to the experience and how you manage that. Thanks :)
Thanks for the additional question, Emma. Are you asking about people thinking it's a bigger deal than it really is instead of making it less significant?
This is so tremendously helpful! Thank you.
Thank you, Suzie. I'm glad you were able to connect with it.
You have explained people around me very well. As long as I can think, I have always taken abuse serious, but obviously was the victim of others denials. This was and still is a frustration.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry those around you did not respond in the way you deserved. ❤️
I tip my hat to you, thanks for sharing your healing experience. Would you agree that this is a secondary gain? You are truly a strong woman to muster up an aesthetic smile out from the ashen brimstone of a tough subject. I anticipate your take on the relationship between coping mechanisms and secondary gain..you brawny, brainy success you! ;D
Thanks Andre. :) I'm not sure what you mean by a secondary gain?
@@PeggyOliveiraMSW Hello, I am just referencing to the natural psychological attribute of one to always mean well to the being. ie. many ppl over eat in a subconscious well means to fill an "empty" place in the mind/body
Will you explain how it plays out in relationships. For instance, how these mechanisms become so habitual that they are even used to avoid the guilt and shame of their own bad attitudes, actions and behaviors. And how that causes major problems in adulthood.
this was very interesting and it will be very helpful to me. I look forward to listening to more from you .thanks you.
Hi Dawn. Thanks for taking the time to watch & comment. I'm so glad you found the video helpful.
I watched this video and realized I have a lot I need to work through, I was sexually assaulted about 10 months ago by a man I had come to trust, he was like an uncle to me. At first I pretended it didn't happen it took me a few days to even get myself to go to my parents and the police. when I told no one really believed me, only my mom did. so I just started to say it was nothing, and that it was my fault for approaching him while he was drunk. I still have nightmares, I can't sleep at night and I cry most nights and let myself fear the worst, I still can't be touched without wanting to cry, and yet I still tell myself "it was nothing" and "it could have been worse." he ended up getting away with it and I see him every time I go to my dads. I knew if I wouldn't had fought my way out that he was going to rape me, sometimes I wonder if I would had let it get further then would the police have believed me? Is it my fault he is he gets to be free on the streets, because I fought him off, because I didn't let him rape me, or is it just because it was nothing and nobody thought it was worth taking action.
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. NONE of this is your fault. Unfortunately, whether he "technically" raped you or not, it's likely not much would happen to him. It was incredibly courageous of you to speak your truth. I'm sorry you weren't believed. I would really encourage you to speak with someone trained in the area of sexual assault. If you live in the U.S. search rape crisis in your zip code. They provide low cost or free counseling.
will do thanks for the tip.
My pleasure. :)
You love you you take control tell on him talk to someone and speak up.love you
I’ve done nothing but feel the bad feelings! I could do with a break tbh!
I hope you are able to get the healing you deserve so you can begin to feel all the good feelings too.
An elderly man abused a member of my family and got away with it
These coping mechanisms you speak of really are my wife. My wife (of 33 years) was abused starting at 7 by moms boyfriend. Mother gave her to dad at 9. He remarried 2 more times and step brothers abused her. About a year into our marriage she froze during intimacy and then told me of some abuse and clearly blocked out much. Last year her dad got sick and died and she "went off the deep end" and moved out. Intimacy was always challenging as she seemed to enjoy while happening but after looked at me as an abuser. After moving out she yelled at me "I never enjoyed sex with you and I don't need sex". She wants to erase me from her memory. She started therapy with a therapist that specializes in trauma. What I would like to know is what I should be doing that may get her back. How should I be around her (she won't look at me or say anything at our children's homes ) ? What can I do to help her heal ?
+harley kulkin I'm so sorry both you and your wife are having to deal with this issue. Loving someone who has been abused and not healed can be incredibly difficult. I hear from partners quite often are struggling with the same fears and desires.
I know your question is about getting her back and helping her, but I first want to say it's really important that you take care of yourself through this process too. It might be a good idea for you to see someone.
I'm glad she's seeing someone. While you can help support her (if shes' willing to have you do that), healing is up to her. There will be a lot for her to work through. As a partner, patience and support are the best things you can offer her. Knowing you don't judge or blame her for what happened will help too.
Good luck as you navigate the coming months.
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW thank you for your reply. She wants nothing to do with me as in her mind I was just another abuser. I suggested to her therapist that part of the therapy involve showing your videos. I think your videos would be an enormous help providing structure and educational information for my wife. The first three coping mechanisms are so deeply her and even somewhat the fourth though my wife states she is not affected by the abuse. Thank you so much for posting these videos on youtube, I'm certain they have helped many many people.
+harley kulkin Thank you for suggesting my videos. I've met many people over the years who have believed they were not effected by sexual abuse. I was one too. It's part of the coping process. As I said, make sure to take care of you through this process.
I was abused as a child,and trained as a therapist, I'm fine talking but feelings was harder feeling.
It takes compassion for yourself, journalling, self awareness,
Thank you for commenting. Yes, to all that you mentioned for healing. ❤
Thanks for posting! This video was extremely helpful.
+arubiana Thanks for commenting! I'm glad you found the video helpful. :)
What about child on child abuse> My cousin who was being molested repeatedly molested me over years. It was "swept under the carpet". No one stood up for me. Now as an adult he says he wasn't a predator and he was molested so it was okay. I couldn't even begin to think of harming someone else. I don't know what to think. I am afraid if I go to a therapist they will say I am over reacting.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Nicole. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to respond.
This is such a difficult experience to heal for the very reason you expressed. It's so easy to rationalize...excuse a child abusing another child. As you also identify, you were abused and you did not go on to abuse other children. This idea is a complete fallacy. Being abused is NEVER and excuse to hurt someone else. Whether he accepts responsibility or your family acknowledges the truth has no bearing on your ability to heal. I would encourage you to make sure you work with someone who specializes in working with survivors of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, there are some therapists out there who don't understand the myriad issues of sexual abuse.
I just saw this and thank you so much. This means a great deal to me.
Nicole Hanes hello:-) I experienced something similar. My brother was abused by my father and he sexually abused me from the time I was about 6 or 7. It continued until I was 17 when I was finally able to say 'no'.
For many years I felt stuck in my healing because I wanted so much for my brother to recognize responsibility for what he had done. With time I have realised though that how I deal with life now is more important than my family (including my mother) recognizing the abuse for what it was.
The fact that he was a child is not an excuse. But equally I do think that people have different coping mechanisms. I do also believe that part of his coping mechanism was to deny what he had done to me - to cope with his shame through the abuse he experienced and the guilt that for a long time hr could accept as his.
He now does recognize his responsibility.
However that was not what started to help me heal. It was only when I could start to let go, through focussing on my own healing and wellbeing, dedication to my own freedom from self-victimisation later on in life...that means taking responsibility for my continued self-abuse when all had ended, that I really began to free myself.
No one else's admittance of guilt brings me here - coz even after that we can still feel trapped. As adults we need to honour ourselves enough to take responsibility for who we are now.
It's a long process and I am still freeing up parts of myself that have been deeply ingrained and twisted up inside - but we need to be kind and patient with ourselves. We need to trust ourselves and trust the process.
We need courage but kindness with ourselves also. We need to be honest with ourselves and aware - to recognize when aspects of our hurt selves appear in everyday life in challenging situations especially in relation with others or with difficult life experiences that come up.
To recognize whether our ways of 'coping' are helping us grow or holding us back. Then in each instance, seeing where we can transform the abuse into growth through each of these situations that come up, by redirecting our ways of reacting, dealing with life, or how we feel about ourselves.
Conscious attention to the moment NOW.
Wishing you Love and self-acceptance with all your aspects - even what you may see as the darkest corners of yourself.
Xoxo
I also have had something similar happen to me as well , my molester pasted away so I'll never get to talk to them and ask why . or have an apology . would apologizing help yes it would
@@PeggyOliveiraMSW
Peggy don't you also know that abused child react or respond by abusing others too. If it's not an excuse it doesn't mean that child wanted to abuse others, they may not even know they are abusing others just like they didn't even know that they were abused.
It's good for the victim to not take responsibility for what other child did but that child could also be the victim.
Some child lived their most life in gulilt and worried if the others develop PTSD like them. They simply feel that they will burn in hell for that.
Child on child abuse is complex, I think both parties need healing.
You never think it’ll be you
Thank you for bringing all your wonderful videos with your beautiful wonderful personality,and your amazing work with all your great pertinent information to help understanding more about what really happened,and choices of help with what happened,and what can do to help me overcome humility,shyness,shame from all that happened,and to be able to talk about it all instead of avoiding it all as it all cause me to be left with depression,anxieties,ocd’s,personality disorders,social anxiety,chemical imbalances,ptsd’s,cptsd’s,additive behaviors,thank you for bringing all your wonderful videos on 😘
Thanks so very much for your kind words and for watching and sharing your experience(s). ❤️
I am finding it hard to find any help for daughters who have been sexually abused by their mother. The few times I confide to someone I am doubted because "mothers don't do that".
Going through the same situation. I guess it's such a taboo topic it's hard for people to believe especially if the parent or person is known for being a "nice" person to everyone else. God bless us.
i think your strong for being able to talk about all of this and if not,at some time being able to mediate about all of what had happened to bring relief from all the trauma love Denny
Thank you, Denny. And thanks for watching.
It's kind of strange how in the instance of sexual abuse 'minimising' is seen as a maladaptive behaviour, when it's exactly the same as 'positive reframing'. We have the saying 'don't make a mountain out of a mole hill' but if you make a 'mountain into a mole hill' this is bad? I'm starting to question to what extent are therapists and society at large cultivating emotional damage in a person by signalling to that person that what they experienced should be traumatic and the only way to move forward is to relive those experiences to release the emotional pain. To what extent is the emotional pain manifested by everyone else's reaction?
thank you for these videos. i truely appreciate them.
+LittleMissSunshineHA My pleasure! ;)
I just discovered these videos and have recently told my story to a very close friend b/c for some reason I felt I needed to share. He is a school counseler and explained the same coping meconisims you did. I have them all and deal with my life the same way. I will watch the others. I went to a LCSW and felt I got nowhere. I had to keep her on track. Any NJ recommendation therapist or a type I should be looking for?
+Joe Jackson Thanks for watching and commenting. I'm so happy to hear you aren't giving up on healing. I know it can be frustrating when you're having difficulty finding someone to work with. I don't know of anyone specific in your area. I would encourage you to consider contacting your local rape crisis center (they generally provide referrals who specialize in CSA. You could also consider going there for counseling). The person's experience and philosophy is much more important than their degree or license. On a side note, as a social worker, I hate to hear you had a bad experience with an LCSW. :( Good luck to you as you move through the healing process.
i was sexually abused by a family member when i was a toddler. i have been able to suppress these memories for as much as 8years ... recently i've relapsed into a deep depression and anxiety. I need help and have a scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist on july 22nd. why after so long would i feel so vulnerable yet i'm older
Manuel Moran Thank you for sharing. In the case of sexual abuse, time does not heal. When you don't have the opportunity to heal, the impact can become even more significant over time. I'm happy to hear you will be meeting with a psychiatrist, though I hope you will also be connecting with a trained therapist or coach to help you heal.
I'm hearing great things about ECT ... I'm hoping it can also help me forget unwanted memories.. what is the best way of self treatment... also will it be a good idea to tell my parents? I'm a shamed of myself and I don't want them to feel dissapointed that they failed to protect me.
Yes question here, so those are the bad coping mechanisms that most people use, but what are the good ones? What should they be using? Can you please make a video for that as well, thank you so much. This was very helpful though.
Yes! This is important too. :) Thanks for the suggestion. I'll look forward to sharing it soon.
I was molested multiple times by multiple people from 4 in a half years old till I was 10 but I came out about it and it made me be shamed by the family around me. I can't explain how I have experienced thing that I didn't want to think about... I just seemed to block my reality... Rape and attached my self by blocking and allowing really bad things to happen to extension that I have been pushed away by all I knew... No support and facing my reality how the children I had even under... Don't know how to say this... I survived all my life not knowing I have adapted to abuse... I need help figure out what I can fix my life cycle from repeating. I have a very sick story and I don't want to admit it I don't want to see it to anyone else I don't know what to do every person that I've talked to about it has been nothing or ignores it it pushes it aside and they all avoid actually having to do something to change things. And for as long as I can remember everybody just made me feel like I was crazy and I'm exaggerating and lazy I don't want to do what people want me to do but it's not that I don't want to do it it's that somehow my mind isn't allowing me to go and complete what they're asking and sometimes I'm in situations where I really don't know what was going on and I was losing my mind little by little because all of rapes and abused and manipulations and being drugged and having children that were born from sick relationships that were forced somehow making me feel like those were my only options and that I shouldn't say anything or question what was going on because I was so happy that I was having a baby that I blocked reality and I tried to cope with making a relationship work with the abuser and now after 9 years I snap out of a shock and a really bad case of CPS and custody and my dad and my ex taking advantage of my mental health disorder and knowing that I wouldn't fight back and I didn't know how to and I was scared of cpsd took my kids they told me not to fight they would give them back they told me to go fix my legal issues and then they would give him back it was a whole mess it's still a mess I was in a mental hospital because mental break from so much rape and abuse that I lived last year that I know I'm really traumatized that you have a hard time leaving the house because of being attacked and being gaslighted by a group of people I lived with that were abusing me in different ways and I'm on medication but I can't move forward I don't know how to go about understanding what's wrong with me or why I am like this or what's going on or anything to do with my mental health not even the facility that I attend for mental health disorder do they know how to diagnose her how to tell me anything about me problems even though I'm very clear with them and I'm getting desperate everyday that goes by I realize my kids are still not back with me and it's been 9 yrs . I don't want to talk and say something that's going to hurt my kids when they find out I feel ashamed because I didn't know any different or I thought it was normal or it was okay I didn't know you're supposed to feel different I didn't learn these things until now I didn't realize there was an issue with me until now I was okay with the news before and I've excused it and ignored it and allowed it and now my kids have been living with an abusive parent who has always used corporal punishment and mental abuse and trauma to my kids just like you did with me this man when he got me pregnant was when I was in the State of shock from admitting a prior sexual assault from a person that I worked for and having to say it out loud causing me to like going to shock and I wasn't able to like talk and I tried to make my body cooperate and it wouldn't and I was like that for a while the next memory is him taking my kid to my mom's and then he was taking me with him so he could help my mom take care of me and this man had me pee in a cup I don't know how that happened or how I did that but he had like four or five pregnancy tests and he tested them after a few days of being there I don't know how long I was checked out but I remember not wanting him to touch me I remember being frozen and unable to change the situation or stop it from happening at all I was yelling but my body wouldn't react and then he showered me and all the ugly stuff I don't want to think about him touching me but from there he went and laid me on a blanket in his room and the floor and then he just stared at me for quite a while and then he proceeded to have sex with me while I was unconscious like I was with my eyes open but I don't remember like being able to stay completely conscious after the fact that he was starting to have sex with me and it seems like all my memories of being an awkward and messed up situations I seem to have no control of my body in it just makes me go into darkness and I was checked out of it for a bit and he kept me around till after trying multiple times to snap out finally my body listened. I was able to talk I end up returning to where I had been.... (Rape sounds scary ugly) given an open beer that I had only taken like 3 sips when I started feeling funny and dizzy so I excused my self to use the bathroom and as I was there I herd funny noises coming from window and heard and peeked out to find employer and a coworker making out but then she pulls away from boss and said well finally you can get what u want so u can get over her quickly that she was tired of picking up my slack next were horrible Kodak photos and my boss on me and me pushing my face away from him... As I am writing this I'm starting to feel like I'm thinking like I'm falling asleep sort of from how much panic I feel to say to anyone else but I remember him having sex with me I don't remember everything I just remembered on top of me and it's flashbacks ugly flashbacks. But had to choose between them I didn't what to stay with Manny. I don't know how to explain how I live some of s*** but I don't think it's fair I can't allow him to stay with my kids this is wrong purposely got me pregnant while I was out of it that's abuse I think or maybe I don't know I wasn't conscious and I didn't want to have sex with him I have been separated from him for quite a little bit and when I interlaced things and you look back and beats the land I feel stupid because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was wrong with both my children's dad putting me through the same normal to me now forcing their way with me and attempting to have only used me but I don't care that my kids came from that I love my kids I cooked with all the other stuff I survived all the other stuff I function when I had my kids and I have my associates degree while I was a single parent I lived alone with my children I went through some hard times but instead of anyone helping me they just threw me into the bus nobody helped nobody even came to see if I was okay everybody just assumes that I'm okay and they don't understand that I mentally like broken apart. In 2012 my abusive fiance was put in jail and my brother was put in jail and my father had recently got married and when I asked him why he hadn't visited me more often he told me something that changed my life forever from that moment on it broke my heart it made me so sad that things got complicated and I didn't know who last for help because according to my father I needed to understand that he had a new family now that he couldn't just be coming over accused you cuz he had things to do he had a busy life with work and his new family. I have PTSD because of their parenting and yet cps gave my child to him and not only did he hold her back 2 year's (I had an IEP set for her) but he kept her out of school. And even though I was the only parent with the girls they sided with father and gave him to take children even as a constantly absent and being cause for one of my childrens behavior health issues we had just finished her program successfully. Help my girls are traumatized and cps continue to just look the other way regarding all police all's from children and the fact that neglectful parenting on his behalf to be a lone at home with a adult that forced himself on my child and nobody ever realize that he is always able to behave and manipulates others to believe him... He plays poor hard working single parent and has kids believing that if they say anything CPS will take them away from the narsasist he is and because of trauma inflicted on my kids by CPS or DCS they're scare to end up like me... My kids are told so many negative things about me.... I have always said and stated I had mental health issues but no clue how to get help... I even made a report when my youngest came to a visit with belt marks and I provided it to police officer and nothing was done multiple times asked for someone to really help my girls but stated because I say something happened didn't mean they had to go take my kids from him. HELP SUPPORT PRESENT CHALLENGES I lack ability to focused with so many flashbacks and running thoughts over my girls... I would be willing to do anything... please please please please help me
DENISE CORONA
I'm sorry to hear about all you've experienced and are going through now. If you aren't currently working with a therapist, I would encourage you to seek support from someone who had a depth of understanding around these issues. You don't have to, nor can you, heal all this one your own. Many communities in the US and in other parts of the world have rape crisis centers that work with people who've experienced similar things, whether past or present. You can find one (if there is one in your community) by googling your town or zip code and "rape crisis". Also, being connected to others with similar experiences can help in the healing process. The community we have here is a beautiful community of support and understanding. Best to you as you navigate this incredibly difficult time. ❤️
My anxiety and patients suck i dont see a way out of this
Faith Loveay I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I know how overwhelming all the fears and feelings can be. And how they can leave you feeling more hopeless. There is a way out, but you can't do it alone. I hope you are able to find someone to help you heal.
Do you think it's possible a for someone to heal without any kind of therapy? I feel the need to maybe finally talk to someone all these years later but not sure who to talk to or even where to for such help. I feel like I'm an emotional ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. One day I'm fine then the next I might go off on someone. As a young girl I had anger issues and even had a hard time I feel cause I felt so bad about myself, the abuse,etc.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, Mary. I don't doubt at all that your diffiuclties are connected to your childhood experience. I'm glad you are considering embarking on your healing journey. I don't think it's possible to heal on your own, without the help of someone who truly understands what it means to live with the impact of childhood abuse. It's never too late to start your journey. I'd be happy to speak with you about options and/or how to move forward. I offer a free 15 min consultation.
Thank you so much.
Hi Peggy, I have a question for you, I hear you talking about copping mecanizims with child abuse, the question is are there any differences and what are they when the abuse happens in adulthood? Thanks for sharing all this helpful information.
These same coping mechanisms are very common if you are assaulted as an adult.
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW Thank you for the reply, I now wish I watched videos about the subject 1 year ago when she told me what happened to her instead of having stupid arguments and breaking up 2 times because I didn't know how to deal with what she was going through.
Unfortunately, this is quite common. Hopefully this will help make you a good support person for someone else down the road. :)
Thank you!
Can you make a video about sexual abuse and mental illness- associated with delusions and hallucination?. More specifically incest-on going abuse from childhood into my adulthood with the same predator.
Thank you for the suggestion. I'm not sure I'm understanding your question clearly. Please send an email to qanda@courageousjourneys.com with your question, possibly adding a little more info so I understand a bit better what you're looking for. Thank you for being part of the CJ TH-cam tribe.
i say thank you for bringing this video on with your beautiful personality having great courage being able to talk about your experiences of all your abuse having to endure with all the attached humility,and left with abundance of shame having great courage coming out explaining with all important pertinent information about it all what took place happening,and i say you explain it all very well,and i say this video has importance to helping others that don’t have access or any way to talk to anyone,and i say can be very helpful,and can be healing ,keep more of your great videos coming,😘🧸🙏Namaste ,We Must Keep The Faith,Hope,And Never Give Up
Im 30 and was sexually assalted when i was 12 by my mothers ex husbands father. Honestly i have been telling myself that it could have been worse and i dont think about it. It is very vivid in my mind exactly what happened but i also deny that it happened. What triggered me was Dr. Fords testimony against Kavanaugh. I hate politics and dont watch the news so its crazy that i woke up to the trial and all along i never thought of my trauma as sexual assault. I always thought that meant that there was sex involved or something of that nature so when i looked it up me being a child when it happened as well as her i had a complete breakdown. He tried to stick his tounge in my mouth, he was 80. It could have been way worse but i need to understand that my trauma is still valid. Idk where to go from here.
Thank you for watching and sharing. You are definitely not alone in having so many things brought up since the Kavanaugh hearing. I'm glad you're recognizing that your experience matters as much as anyone else's. My thought about where to go from here is get professional support in helping you through the healing process. None of us can heal on our own. You can start with your local rape crisis center (yes, your experience would allow you to be seen there). I also have a FB group for Survivors if that feels like something that might be helpful. I also recently opened an online digital course you might find helpful. The facebook group can be found here courageousjourneys.com/courageouswarriors/ & the course/group can be found here courageousjourneys.com/jtw/. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions about either.
@@PeggyOliveiraMSW thank you so much.
My pleasure.
Good video I share a lot of those mechanisms and had a history of the same type of abuse but right now I'm dealing with physical and mental issues as a result of combat. So I completely relate to your story and others, there are so many new age spiritual people here on You tube claiming they can help, it can be extremely dangerous so I am glad you have the credentials and experience behind your videos. Good luck on You tube.
Hi Gary. Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment. I hope you are getting the support and help you need to heal your childhood and more recent experiences. When you have a history of childhood trauma, any traumatic experience as an adult is compounded. They may be very different experiences but internally they are experienced in similar ways.
Thank you for your service and support here on TH-cam.
Peggy Oliveira LCSW Anytime, and as a member a my predominantly Portuguese community I recognize your last name it is very common here.
Gary B Anywhere else in the country I have to spell my name at least 3x before people get it, but not in the Portuguese area where my in-laws are :)
Not gonna lie I learned a thing or two. Information on this is so hard to find beyond the basics ty
I'm glad you were able to learn a thing or two. :) Thank you for watching. I do live Q&As on occasion (tomorrow will be the next Dec 3) where you can ask anything you'd like to know more about.
Thanks this has taught me allot
Thank you for watching. I'm glad it helped.
If offenders are not made to look for help and get their lives fixed, this will also have an effect on the victim and their trust.
There is so much work to do in the quest to hold perpetrators responsible. This would go a long way in helping in the healing process. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I have been sexually abused. No one knows anything about this. They only know im in depression. But not helping me. Ive been take prozac since august. I feel better but sometimes i want to die..nothing seems going to be okay (sometimes) i wish someone help me. But no one cares.
I'm so sorry you're struggling and feeling alone. If you are not currently seeing someone to help you heal, I would suggest contacting your local rape crisis center. They generally provide resources/counseling for people with childhood sexual abuse at low or no cost. You can do a google search for "rape crisis" and add your zip code.
I hope you are able to get the help and support you deserve. You are not alone.
I'm so glad you found this helpful. Sibling abuse adds to the complexity of both disclosing and healing. I hope your mom is able to hold the space for you to share with her and receive support.
Peggy Oliveira, MSW thanks for reply.
Don’t give up! I was sexually abused as a child. I am now 65 years old. I am a successful attorney, with a wonderful family and a very meaningful life. I did not get any help except that I did not turn against God and seemed to be able to talk to Him. For some reason, I did not blame him for what happened to me. I was able to maintain my relationship with God. I am convinced that is what saved me. It was a long, lonely road and took me a long time to heal...I think I am still healing. But it does get better! Please don’t give up! Even if you can’t talk to anyone else, you can talk to God in complete privacy and don’t have to worry about him telling anyone! It helps!
Anna banana I was abused at the age of 12 now I am 15 my parents says to me that ur alright. I say to them I want to go to therapy they dont let me in any hospital for therapy.my father always emotionally abuse me. I am suffering a lot but I can't do anything about it....after having PTSD things go a lot worse my school mates teases me my parents shot at me now what should I do
Thank you
My pleasure. I hope it helped.
Hi! I just started therapy, and there was some sort of mild abuse in my life. I have not discussed this with my therapist, she asked me about my childhood and I said it was fine. Will she know that I lied? We are addressing why I am depressed , angry, detached, drink too much, hate myself, and some defense mechanisms. Do you think she will think that they are a result of abuse?
Hi Blue. Thanks for the question. I'm not sure if she will think you are lying. However, is she knows much about treating sexual abuse, she will likely recognize the symptoms. Additionally, most of tend to think of it more as not feeling safe enough to share the abuse rather than lying about it.
I would encourage you to share it with her as soon as you feel ready. Otherwise, she is only going to be able to treat the symptoms instead of the underlying cause.
You mentioned "mild abuse". I would say abuse is abuse. Wherever you may fall in the "severity continuum", the potential impact is the same.
Good luck with your therapy.
Thank you so much for answering my question! I do have one additional question. I yelled at my therapist for no reason, not sure why I did that. And she didn't even get upset... Do you think you could make a video about how to deal with anger and also how to be angry at the right person. My therapist is so nice and sometimes the questions just make me so mad, they are just simple questions. I don't know how to tell her that I get so mad but it doesn't make any sense.
Blue Green Anger, especially misdirected anger, is a very common issue for many people. Thanks for the suggestion. Again, I'm guessing your therapist probably recognizes what is happening. If you are comfortable doing so, it would be good for you to acknowledge it to her so you can begin to process what the anger/reaction is really about.
I found out that I was abused by my own mother around the age of 3. I'm now a 46 Yr old man. I feel like my whole life is falling apart. No one really understands. No one who knows my mother believes me. I'm labelled as the spoilt selfish son who doesn't help his elderly mother enough. Now I can't trust my partner as I constantly think they are cheating on me.
I'm sorry you're having to live with this experience and are not being believed. There is so much betrayal you've experienced... and to heal. I hope you have the professional support you need and deserve.
I don't understand why is minimizing consider a coping mechanism? you have mentioned that comparison to others was a way to minimize the individual trauma. However I would like to share that, comparison is also done in many ways such as when a person scored 51 in a test might compare with the one who failed at 49 marks. A person who was born in a poor family might make a comparison to someone who is in worser financial state. Isn't these comparison a normal way of thinking? I suspect many people secretly does compare in order to comfort themself in the way of saying, "be thankful for what you have, as someone out there had it worser than you and yet they can survive" is that minimizing? I do minimize and rationalize when I was a child, however i did not see it as a bad thing or termed it as coping mechanism. I just felt that it allows me to maintain my sanity throughout childhood. Rather, to keep on ruminating over the past and the way it has impacted an individual life, tends to cause depression. It is more important to focus on how to get out of the side effects and overcome it rather than to keep focusing on the abuse side effects. Nobody can go back in time to avoid it no matter how much injustice and anger it caused, the truth is it happened and it was in the past. Focus on getting rid of the side effects it caused you. yes, it is unfair. someone sexually abuse a vulnerable innocent person and caused them many difficulties in life. Someone just gave our life so much shit and they got away with it and we are left to clear up the mess.
+littlehamster83 Thank you for taking the time to comment. You bring up some really good points. When you say you thought the way you thought as a child was a way to maintain your sanity, that's exactly what I'm referring to. A coping mechanism allows us to get through, feel better about, or not stay stuck in a place of pain.
It is the way most of us tend to think. We're even taught to "look at the bright side" or "it could always be worse". I actually agree with both of these ideas.
The problem is, when you've been abused and you tell yourself someone else had it worse, you are denying the significance, pain, impact, etc (at least to a degree). As I always say, you cannot heal what you deny is wounded.
Just because someone may have had it worse doesn't mean your wasn't as significant in the sense of how you're effected by it. By minimizing your experience you reinforce it wasn't that big of a deal, you shouldn't be effected by it, or should be over it.
I hope that helps. I'm thinking I might do a video just on minimizing to help explain a little better. :)
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW Thanks for the reply. I have read previously from articles that said rumination lead to depression. It felt true to me as when a person consistently ruminate, think about the unhappy memories, injustice, one will get more depressed. Many people said to think life in a postive way. Such as there are people out there had a more difficult life and they can survive. If we accept the trauma we had as what is it, it is bad, and not trying to think positive, not minimising, not comparing to the worser experience people encounter, then we put ourselves in a chronic cycle of rumination. Thinking "optimistically"/minimizing actually is quite a common psychological response that not just survivors have. Also, this response are just a way of saying, be thankful of what you have as someone else have to deal with much worser situations. If we not think this way, we will be caught up in rumination cycle that goes like, "it is unfair this happen to me" / "i never hurt you, how can you hurt me" / "it is unfair i am left to deal with the side effects such as anxiety" / "my life was stolen and i'll never know what it is like to have a normal happy childhood". Thinking such a way is surely to trigger depression when this rumination doesn't stop.
it is impossible to forgive because it wasn't your fault. No justice was given to you, no apology. There is nothing. At such state, if one doesn't minimize or think optimistic way, a person can be stuck in depression.
I don't understand why thinking optimistically/minimizing a trauma does not allow a victim to completely heal? And how do we know that a victim has completely healed?
I still think rumination lead to depression. Overthinking about the trauma and injustice cannot undo the trauma. What a person can do is to focus on overcoming the side effects it caused such as anxiety or depression or ocd.
It is already bad enough that such injustice occur to anyone.
+littlehamster83 Rumination is very different than acknowledging the pain. I agree, if you sit with constant thoughts about abuse, the pain, injustice, and everything else, of course it is not a good thing.
Minimizing is used as a tool to "deny" that you've been hurt, or at least the extent you've been hurt. If you don't allow yourself to recognize the impact it has had on you, you don't have the opportunity to heal it.
It's kind of like the difference between hurting your ankle and telling yourself it is a small sprain when in fact it is broken. Will you learn to live with a broken ankle? Probably. Can you be grateful your foot or leg didn't have to be amputated? Of course. But, if you don't address the break, you will never be able to use that leg in the same way.
It's not about laying around and feeling bad that you broke your ankle, it's about acknowledging the reality of the problem so you can repair/cure it.
+Peggy Oliveira, MSW so how do I recognize the "impacts" of the trauma has had on me? How do i know for sure that the problems i faced now is due to the abuse, and not part of my personality. it is hard because people would tell me "i am an adult now,take responsibility for my life instead of blaming my childhood" they say i blame my childhood when what i did i was trying to tell them that trauma made my life difficult. nobody is willing to accept how i think and feel.
will it be possible to check out my channel for the video i made vaguely about how my life was imapcted? it is hard to tell because it happened when i was 5 or 6, and everything felt changed.
thanks!
+littlehamster83 I'm sorry people have been so dismissive of your experience. Unfortunately, this is the type of response many survivors face with their families, and sometimes friends. I would encourage you to look into a book called Courage to Heal. It can help you recognize the overall impact of being abused. It's a great book. However, I would encourage you to take it slow and if possible, work with a professional while you go through it. It can be overwhelming to do on your own.
cont. from last post.
Then I looked up all the symptoms of sexual abuse and I checked off almost all of them.
I had knowledge of sexual matters at the age of around 5 years old. I used to undress my barbie dolls and make them touch each other. I began to compulsively masturbate at the age of around 5 years old and would flash the boys on my block my private parts. I also struggled in my relationships with men who were all abusive and sexually deviant. I suffered with constant anxiety, insomnia, panic, phobias, and depression. I always felt a sense of disconnection to myself and what I wanted. I never knew what I was supposed to do. I always felt inferior to others almost like my existence didnt matter. I felt invisible. And I felt a lot of shame about who I am.
I just know something happened but I have no memory of it. How do you access the memory? So I can move on? Sorry this is so long.
+Stephieandcheech Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story. It is so difficult to trust what you "know" when you don't have memories. However, you don't need to have specific memories in order to heal. I know it may seem impossible, but it can happen. Of course, I can't know whether it happened, but your symptoms certainly point to the likelihood.
I would definitely encourage you to work with someone who has a lot of experience in working with survivors.
Im kinda in the same boat as you and wish you much love and strenght , we will let go of it
Thank you for connecting with and supporting a fellow survivor. Wishing the same for you.
I hate my mother to this day how she validates her none action then. All she was and is focussing is on herself and her denial.
I'm sorry your mother has not responded in the way you deserved her to. You're definitely not alone in how you feel... or in your experience. ❤️
Hi,i say it all has great meanings from all of it as because it went on for so many times that it all became unforgettable with all the memories of all of it,and most certainly great amount of worrying about what was going to happen next,and of course next time what was going to happen to no end of it causing depression,anxiety,ocd,cpstd,,and addictions,thank you for video as you showed your courage in many ways and got threw most of it,love Denny😘🙏🦋
So true, thanks so much for this ❤
You're very welcome. Thanks so much for watching and commenting. ❤️
What are some other examples on denial?
Christian Carrington Denial shows up as any way you think or speak about your experience that minimizes the reality or impact of the abuse/assault. Telling yourself it didn't happen, making excuses for the perpetrator, or telling yourself it isn't a big deal are all examples, though there are many other things you might think or say as well.
The last thing i want to so os talk about how I was tramatised. I need to talk about it,hating it and making me freak out, to defend myself of how worse ot could have been. Simply put it was a lesser of two evils. I dont think about it i had pain and i fought with boiling blood.
One of the most important things in choosing to talk about abuse is making sure you're sharing with someone who you feel you can trust. Ideally it would be a professional who can help you navigate this journey. Thank you for watching.
Thanks for this video , it helps me a lot.
I'm so glad! Thank you for watching and commenting. ❤️
I cant seem ti keep even one friend and a boyfriend oo i think ill b alone forever. Do i pick the wrong people yeah sometimes but i cant social right. Idk
Hi Faith,
Many of us struggle with relationships. When you've been betrayed, especially if it was someone you completely trusted and had to rely on, it is a long process of intentional work to learn to trust again. I hope you give yourself the support and help you deserve.
You're welcome, Niamh. I did a quick check for a place to start in Ireland and found a few options, depending on your location. I am not able to put links on here, but if you'd like to send me an email, I'd be happy to send you the links.
Yes no problem, my email is niamh.42@hotmail.co.uk
I guess I just don't understand the topic of validation much at all. Why is it important? What does is mean? How do you go about it? Ect.
All great questions. I have no doubt at all other people have probably wondered the same things. So thanks for asking. I've decided to do a video to elaborate more. I should be posting in the next few days. Hopefully it answers your questions. But, if not, please let me know.
Hi hannahmontanachikey :). I've posted a video addressing the questions you raised. Thanks again for the suggestion.
We should have a favor hat. If you put a favor in it, you have to take a favor out of it. No matter the favor.
Thank you for this video. I'm wondering if you are able to make a video on this topic for those of us who were sexually abused / traumatised by child on child sexual abuse. Over the course of 18 months more or less, at the age of 9, 10, 11, I was made to engage in a number of adult sexual acts by someone around the same age (don't remember his exact age, maybe a bit older). It also included attempted penetration and (going by USA descriptions of rape, also rape). This person was a friend. So I believed I consented and it was my choice. But I did tell my concerns of getting pregnant and wanting to stop. Which it didn't for a long time. Only when the fear of becoming pregnant and being found to be so bad and disgusting got so great did i finally put a stop to it. And this resulted in a change of character on his part threatening to tell my family what we'd done. And actually tricking me and informing my brother in a sly way. He has had a psychological head lock over me for decades with the power of shaming me by letting this info out.
However because he was a child I've never thought that this was abuse because he didn't have the same level of culpability as an adult. But the effects of what happened are significant and have stumped my psychological, sexual, emotional development causing decades of damaging effects.
How can Survivors of child on child sexual abuse deal with the added level of shame that their trauma isn't as valid as adult to child abuse which is more clear cut in terms of blame?
Thank you
Thanks so much for watching. I have actually done a video (maybe more than 1?). I will try to come back in later to share a link. I'm sorry, I don't remember which video it is off the top of my head. This is definitely something that causes people to minimize and rationalize the abuse quit a bit. You are not alone. ❤️
Here is the link for the video: th-cam.com/video/n0BGOwaaxAk/w-d-xo.html
This is unrelated but her hair is so pretty.
Thanks so much. :) This was an early video so my hair is a bit different now.
its all good that your talking about this but i never could understand why more and more of it continued right into the future at paticular times and where it might have come from unless it might of been because of being at the wrong place at the wrong time so i just learned to let it go in the best way i could like accepting it when there's nothing you can do about it,thank you,love Denny😘🙏🦋🥕🧡🐯
What are positive coping mechanisms?
I wish that my mother would have stopped it when I told her about it
I so with that for you too. ❤️ The betrayal experienced from this can be incredibly devastating. In fact, healing this wound can often take more to heal than from the abuse itself. Thank you for watching and sharing.
Hi Peggy. Please could You give me a little more information on Coping Mechanisms. I just came across Your Video.
Thank You.
I have quite a few videos in which I talk about coping mechanisms, including a few in which I go into depth a bit on each I talk about here. Is there something in particular I might be able to point you to?
Thank You so much Peggy. I will check it out.
I've avoidied talking about my sexual abuse after therapy because I don't want to I know what happened to me was horrible and scary and now I have struggle with PTSD as a rape survivor I never really feel like talking about It I feel like i do I'm gonna cry and not be able to stop
Your fear about crying is something so many people have. With all the people I've held space for over the years, the fear has never come true. It's important to have someone who understands and can support you through it though. Crying in isolation reinforces any shame, fear, or unworthiness. Thank you for watching.
Where do you get help??? I’m screaming to safe myself but I’m not rich or barely making who will tell me where to get help for a second chance?? I’m an adult
I'm sorry you've not been able to get the help you deserve. If you live in the US, or in several other countries, you can search for "rape crisis" with your zip code, province, city, etc. Rape crisis centers typically provide free or low cost counseling services for services. You can also join me on Facebook for inspiration and connection. facebook.com/courageousjourneys
What do you mean by "validate"?
Hi hannahmontanachikey. Thanks for taking the time to watch & comment. I'd be happy to expand on what "validate" means.
Without knowing what you are referring to specifically, I will do my best to answer your question. Since I will be talking about it more generally, please let me know if I completely miss what you wanted to know :), or if there is something more I can add.
In regards to the need to validate in order for healing to happen, I mean acknowledgement that is was real, traumatic, that it never should have happened, and you were in no way responsible. This validation is important from others, but maybe more significantly, from within you.
Don't hesitate to let me know if there are more questions or anything I can help with.
Hi i am new here
What’s your email plz
Hello. You can email healing@courageousjourneys.com
So beautiful
Shame bind me so I fail to tell!
I thought it was just me.
It's definitely not just you.
Break through the lies and shame your here for good reasons
I am not step 1 at all I can not only tell people what happened but it hits home every time I have anger. Step 2 is not me either I know my pain and face it head on.validation is my issue I have done it but my brother that molested me at 8 will not validate. I did block it out until I fell in love at 19 with a grate man that hit home with wanting to make love I was only used to sex due to that being all I had ever known so I started having flash backs . early in life he molested me and as I grew every male I knew was trying to get in my pants and I think that's why I gained weight and have not lost it is to keep others from wanting me . Minimizing nope I am waiting out his life so I know he can not ever hurt some other person. I have no rationalehe had no write he took away my chance to have a brother a person to help me know what comes next and trust and talk to . and yes I'm so mad that the people that should have protected me and no one was there he was left with me and I was little and knew nothing should have been done or said . I blame mom for staying in a bad real with my dad yet at 14 he left her and she uprooted me she waited. I feel bad that may pain has continued to drag my husband threw my dark hole as I scratch the walls trying to get out. We have been married over 20 years and are now retierd do to a wreck that almost killed him I am home with him 24 7 and in still not where I want to be mentally. I want to be happy I want my brother to tell the truth and say I'm sorry but I will have to wait to hear he is dead instead.
I did not know something should have been said or done.. I hate text.
Thank you for taking the time to watch and share you story. I'm sorry you've not had the support and validation you need.
why are you laughing while talking about such difficult topic?
I can't speak specifically to why I may have been laughing in this video as I created it a long time ago. Though I do want to say my laughter is never about minimizing the significance or seriousness of abuse. Hopefully you've seen that if you've seen any of my other videos.
Codependent introvert problems...
I'm not sure what your comment is supposed to mean. However this video has nothing to do with codependency or being an introvert. If you'd like to elaborate, I'm more than happy to address your thoughts.
Learn to laugh at your abuse and you will heal xxx
I'm not sure what the context of this comment is. However, I'm not sure it's helpful. I can, with certainty say if all you are doing is laughing about your abuse, it will not be helpful in true healing. It would create further damage by denying the significance of the experience.
Xx
I honestly don't get it she acts like sexual abuse in kid sis no big deal:((
Hi Cantrell. I'm not sure if you are saying that I act like abuse is no big deal? If so, that's certainly not the case and I'm curious what you saw or heard that would leave you with that impression? It would be helpful to know so I have the opportunity to make sure it doesn't continue to happen.
:) ;)
Great video you are also soo beautiful
Thanks so much Missy.