I had to learn is the hard way and I can’t stress enough how important it is to work towards this point in your recovery… Always have a backup plan so there is never a reason to engage
That is really great advice Steve. Any time you think you have to engage with the ex because of some “issue” before you do that TRY to find an alternate solution that bypasses them. It’s hard to do in the beginning because the are SUPPOSED to co-parent. But it just turns into a nightmare and they are just looking for that conflict or reaction. -Duane
I don’t know how you do it Duane but that one, (yet again) is right on point and right on time. Thank you. This is a truly horrendous position to be in.
I can so relate with that Garima but that is one of those things that will backfire on you. We have to learn how to process and make our peace with that rage otherwise it will consume you. But you're right it is VERY VERY difficult.
Thank you for helping me understand The abuse is intensifying linearly with my repulsion to interaction. It is wearing. This is a very rough road. There is no way out
He triggers me always!! But I am learning that he is provocative in nature and he wants me to react so thank you for your videos they are helping me tremendously and I’m so glad that you’re doing better
They have a unique ability to *always* know how to push our buttons. After time *and practice* we can mitigate it but even now for me there are times she is able to do it to me. Minimizing contact is a good step but it just takes time to be able to not have those impacts.
Thank you for another great video!!!! Yip, our reaction is their fuel and our anger or frustration is their biggest high of all. Never let them know what you r thinking or more importantly "how you feel". It makes it a little more difficult for them to keep spinning their plates. It throws them off with getting no feed back from you. Lol.
Absolutely Leah and as I mentioned in another response *not responding* can be *so empowering* in this fight against these people. It really does have an impact to *their* environment. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce. Very EMPOWERING!!! No matter how difficult it gets, and I know it does, remember that it's the only way to take the control away from them. Grey rock.... it eats them up inside. It feels weird, like ur not taking up for ur self. But they feel like they r winning if u show them they have gotten under ur skin.
Congratulations!! Keep going now...there's more non responses and our own tactics to learn and apply....You will feel so much better and take your control back and your pwn life!! don't feel guilty...they prey on that!! Learn all you can from all the videos you can....and find a therapist well versed in Narc Abuse!!
ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH MY NOW EX NARC: Me: You were trying to meet with “Liam” while you were telling me I was the only one! NARCISSIST: That’s before I knew that all “Liam” wanted was money. Me: WTF?!?!? (Total confusion ensues in my mind followed by a brief stint of insanity ) No Insight, no guilt, no accountability, no responsibility, no apology and no use in confronting them on anything. RUN RUN RUN RUN AWSY FROM THESE DISGUSTING NARCISSIST! Save your sanity.
Thank you much for helping me to burn this into my brain. I messed up today. I reacted, sigh. I'm still with him, and remaining within myself without reacting to his ridiculousness on a day to day basis is very difficult. Trying to prepare better for the future. Videos like these are helping me in so many ways. Thank you, sincerely.
I have found through my narc is that she constantly, like you said, tries to get a reaction out of me. This way it allows her an excuse to berate me. The scare tactics approach seems to be her favorite. I have come to now know that whatever it is she tells me in a text NEVER comes to fruition. Everything is ALWAYS my fault according to her. My atty tells me absolutely no contact with her period. Sometimes she does hit those sensitive buttons and it just drives me crazy to not respond. Duane, your videos are spot on and have been big help in my narc battle. Thanks!
Good advice from your attorney Mike. But I completely understand, it is so difficult to not *set the record straight* and show her the faults in her accusations and arguments. But as you're already realizing you can't reason with an unreasonable (potential cluster b) individual and responding to them in any way is a victory for THEM. I hope you're starting to realize that - it took me a while to get to that point and I spent many a email trying to "correct" her. That was a complete was of time and i never felt like I made any progress.
bait and berate. that's what my current narc is doing. it sucks, because she is my daughter, so trying to grey-rock and avoid no contact, but i fear she is constantly setting me up and i don't have a good feeling about it. i totally get your "excuse to berate me" situation. hope you are healing/healed!
This is so true. You have to starve their ego. It takes a lot of practice. You want to go to war for your kids like in the example of coparenting. You want to defend and explain and respond and try to get the person to realize how wrong they are. What you really need to do is stop. You need to pull yourself entirely away to the point of emotional indifference to this person. And even if you don’t feel that way, fake it until you make it. Give them nothing. Get used to acting with indifference and eventually you will be truly indifferent. They have no power except the power you give to them. Give them nothing. Make your emotions expensive. Don’t give that away for free. Start looking at every single provocation as an opportunity to free yourself from the bullsh*t. And as an opportunity to rise above it. You do not have to participate. They NEED you to participate or else they will die an ego death in relation to you. Let them perish (figuratively). You are robbing yourself when you give them a reaction. You are GIVING a reaction for free and filling their cup. Stop doing that, or you will be depleted. P.S. We’re all emotional about our kids but save that emotion for your interactions WITH them, not ABOUT them with the narcissist.
That and they thrive in the chaos Deedee. Everything they do is about maintaining their facade and keeping their own illusion real for them. It is a constant struggle which just feeds the chaos which is their live. We get sucked into their tornado and are collateral damage - our children are also victims of this as well. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce I think the important thing we should teach our children is that is not acceptable behavior . However I am a big advocate on forgiving despite the turmoil they put us through. I've always wondered what occured in their childhood that would cause them to conduct themselves in this manor to their own flesh and blood without lack of empathy or remorse.
Exactly DeeDee - that really is the main positive - besides escaping - out of this that we get to have these teachable moments with our children to hopefully inoculate them from narcissistic predators when they become adults. -Duane
I’m just coming across your videos recently. I know logically that reacting vs responding isn’t good and will never end well for me. You mentioned here something about preparing yourself for situations where you shouldn’t react, and I just find that so exhausting. I know it’s the logical thing to do, but it’s tiring living that way. I guess I just needed to vent, but I know you’re right about this. Anyway I appreciate how level headed you are and it’s a comfort. Thank you.
Mine got me arrested , she was saying the kids hated me exc asked her to leave , she refused . I saw she was taping me took her phone threw on floor . It broke she said I'm Going to have you arrested and she did she said I grabbed her . It's unreal what this person has done , I'm still in disbelief that she is this way .
It’s really scary Todd what these people are able to do. It is all about their control and manipulation. This is especially true when they don’t necessarily need you employees OR if they just can’t see things clearly enough to recognize the damage to themselves (as in you’re in jail and can’t make money to pay them). Hopefully your situation is in the past and you’re not still in the middle of the this, well to the extent you’re talking about here. -Duane
I’m still married to one of these women. Her new tactic is to continually poke and prod and after days of it, “I snap, and respond in anger!!” And there she is RECORDING my REACTIONS on her phone. It is a FELONY to record someone without there knowledge in my state. She continues to do it anyway. Then, I believe, she is showing the recordings to friends and family. I want to take that damn phone and smash it as well. Sorry to read your comment, but I’m living it as well. Domestic violence advocates, will tell “people” to record the behaviors as evidence, that your the problem, not them. If you REACT, in a normal human way, under the constant pressure and instigation, then your painted the abuser. It’s called REACTIVE ABUSE, and I admit it’s wrong, but in my situation, it’s warranted abuse. How in the hell can you not react emotionally, if you actually are able to feel emotions. Yeah, I got work to do on myself, I guess. Funny how these types, especially the females, have law enforcement, judges, lawyers, and seemingly the whole world on their side. So as a husband and father, go file for divorce, and lose potentially a lifetime of assets, and more importantly my kids, or stay, and one day have the cops at my house. She did call the cops on me once.......it’s all a sick set up. I wish you peace, and all the prayers I have, with your criminal charge. Sorry again to have to read your comment. It hit home with me. Be careful. Sad that the only way to defeat a NON CARING narcissistic female, is to let her walk all over you, and NOT CARE at all, as well. Tough to do. Very tough not to respond emotionally in anger. VERY TOUGH, for me anyway.
Thank you Duane!! Really helpful information!! I've always had the tendency to blame myself when I behaved emotionally.Even though I am much better now I realize that we always have the chance to improve ourselves. Giving sports as an example is something that I will keep in mind in terms of dealing with emotions or how not to respond emotionally to a narcissist!!Thank you again!!😇
You are very welcome Gamze and I'm glad the information/channel is helpful! I think sometimes we get so focused on the crisis at hand and we are so angry and hurt we can't see the simple things. We also tend to beat ourselves up when we aren't *acting* or *responding* the way we *wish* we would. But like I said in the video we have to realize that this is a painful event and it is going to take time *and training* to get us where we want to be. Just keep focused on *getting better* and watch out for the little improvements *that you are making* even if they feel like *micro improvements* they are still improvements! -Duane
Hi Duane. Great video as always. thank you. i need this reminders. very good way to look at this. " we have to practice" it so true! We learn our kids new things al the time and we know we have to say it again and again and again... and it's the same for us. sometimes we have to do wrong things to learn how we should have done insted.. easy to say but not always that easy to do.. but we learn.
Emma it is so true and I thought it was important to say because I think we loose track of that and we think we *should be better* at doing all of this. We have to understand that this isn't easy - so why would we think that we would respond perfectly every time? The wrong decisions are also helpful because it also helps us see reality. -Duane
Hi Duane, Hope you're continuing to do well and thanks, as always, for helping me and others get through a difficult time. Had to share some good news for a change. A friend of a friend had just been through a divorce. I learned that she had 4 children. Knowing how you inspire me and others, I wanted to do the same. I did and she responded such warm thankfulness and appreciation. It made my day! Had watery eyes initially reading the note but I'm smiling now & am so glad that I reached out to her. Made me feel stronger too as a person to enable me to continue along the road to recovery. Have a sunny day Duane!
That is great Tigerprint and that is awesome that you can be of support to a friend. Sometimes it can be good to help someone because you can look at their situation objectively and then when you come back to your situation it can be more manageable! But that is great that you are able to be a positive and constructive lifeline for someone else! You are definitely getting stronger!!! -Duane
Sorry, neglected to mention that I wrote her a letter sharing some thoughts of when I went through a divorce & my feelings & thoughts @ the time that I experienced. Mentioned to her that with the help of family & friends that I managed to get through it and that she would too. She later replied to me via a note.
Hi Duane, You're absolutely right in that I felt better, stronger about my situation after helping someone else with their predicament. I focused less on the poor me syndrome & more on the acute stage of grief of another. Thank you for your encouraging words. Tonight for the first time since NC, I like me. Have a peaceful, restful night! I am so fortunate that you are here for me and for many others.
Rebelaw check out my video *Hybrid No Contact* (th-cam.com/video/8Pv6kLWe5C4/w-d-xo.html) which talks in specifics about what to respond to and what to ignore. -Duane
Great Aveline I'm glad the video was helpful and thank you for the support! Hope to see you on the livestream tomorrow and I think you'll appreciate Wednesday's video as well! :-)
Erin you have to be *very calm* about it - more like a business approach - so you keep the emotion out of it and just keep things *matter of fact*. You don't argue with them you don't give them that emotional response they are looking for. I know it seems hard to wrap your head around - it too me a while to figure that out myself. A good example was when I sued her in small claims court - prior to that everything was *very business*. So instead of trying to negotiate with her about it I just served her papers. When she "yelled" in email - I didn't respond. I just went through with the *consequence* of taking her back to court without engaging with her. I'll work on a video talking about this specific issue, hopefully that will be helpful. -Duane
Thanks. I feel boxed in sometimes between reacting or being a doormat and either way they win. I will have to work on being as calm and expressionless as possible.
This appears to be a variation of the very effective "Gray Rock" technique. If one does this consistently with his/her narc, the Cluster B will face boredom when attempting to interact with you. Cluster B's process boredom *much, much differently* from those of us who are not afflicted with such maladaptive/dysfunctional personality traits. Boredom is *the kiss of death* to them.
My ex has been seeing an Overt Narcissist for about 9 months now. I took him to court to file for sole custody because of her emotional abuse towards my children and his desire to put this "woman" before his children. The judge sent their father and I into the hallway, to see if we could come to an agreement. Before I could get 2 words in, she grabbed his arm and yelled "No. You can't control him any more". Mind you, he and I had ended our relationship in 2009. Anyway, she proceeded to laugh when I told him that our daughter was suffering from his negligence and I said "do you think this is funny? This isn't funny." She then replied that it was hilarious because she was going through the same thing herself. (custody battle) I looked at him and shook my head. She then got mere inches from my face and started screaming profanities at me, calling me all types of degrading names and then ended it with "you need to have your children taken away from you. And I feel sorry for your baby. I really do!" (I have a 9 month old) I swear I envisioned my fist breaking her teeth. I could see it in my minds eye. But I shut my mouth and walked back into the courtroom. I made sure to tell the judge that I was verbally accosted in the hallway (to have it on record) and the judge said since she saw no signs of physical trauma to the children, that custody would remain 50/50. However, in the court order, she stated that the children shall not be left alone in the care of his girlfriend. So, small victory there. Our next court date is in July. I have since hired a lawyer in the hopes to obtain sole custody. My point is, if I had lost my cool and punched her in her mouth, it would have been a very different outcome for me and the children. It's so very important, not to react. Let them dig their own graves. Great video!!
Oh you are so correct Malinda had you lost control it would have been a *completely different story*. It's amazing how people like this just can not comprehend the damage they are doing. It makes sense though because their entire lives are full of chaos the more chaos they have going around then no one has time to really *look at what is going on*. Good luck with your attorney hopefully you can find one that can poke holes in what they are doing and ultimately get you full custody of the children. -Duane
Divorcing a strongly suspected narc here. I've gotten to the point where I don't take anything, positive or negative, that they say seriously. Whatever happens, be in court or outside of court, during my divorce will happen. I can only control things that I have influence over...and despite her fantasies, she only has control over the people and things that allow her to have control. My turning point was realizing that almost everything she said or threatened only made sense in the context of her being the master & commander of the world. It's ridiculous for her to think she has that sort of power. Do not validate that warped viewpoint by buying into it! Let those threats, subtle or overt, fall to the wayside and allow the chips to fall where they may.
Duane, Great video !! All about control, dangling the kids as pawns in a their very sick game. Mind blowing that these people don't have a problem manipulate/ruining children.It is criminal!!
Dan Ski but if you are the good parent making appropriate choices for your children, somehow we are being manipulative and dangling the kids on a string. For example, i am a stay at home mom, my ex works. i told him for months i was going to get our daughters hair cut. she is very active and started physical therapy and occupational therapy in which her hair became a hazard. Finally I cut it, before i did I sent a picture and said i was going to get her hair cut. NO response. Thirty minutes later i sent another picture of her haircut. He responded as quick as I sent it saying cutting her hair was a form of control, he told me this and that and I didnt listen to him insisted Id cut her hair simply to piss him off. I was in shock at all the stuff he text and I told him I was blocking him for a bit. A haircut and I am a monster. He cuts their insurance without telling me, cut access to the kids money with no warning and is not giving our kids needed medical treatments (but they do nothing wrong). sorry i rambled. i agree with you.
Excellent point MDDare, I really like your comment *everything she said or threatened only made sense in the context of her being the master * commander of the world*. That is a perfect way to describe it for all of us. The sad part is when we realize that we give away that power unwittingly. Every step away from that bring the power back to us. Thank you Dan, it is a very sick game and they have zero connection with empathy to *feel* what they are doing to their children. Donewithit, they are always going to look for things to try to get an emotional response from you. Once you start to see the pattern and understand what they are doing then their ability to manipulate you will be reduced. It's hard though - I know when I was going through it I would fight her and I would be stressed about it. I didn't have the hair cut thing for me as she was the one who had their hair cut - but I do remember the time I went to pick up my youngest from the after school program and I couldn't find her because her really long hair was gone and I didn't recognize her. Cytherea please just send your friend over to the channel - send him *The Mindset for Narcissistic Recovery Playlist* (th-cam.com/play/PL_m6CcV-0KF7elaJIDdEcSdSVPumeBcbS.html) - he really needs to start to see things clearly and how to understand and process it. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce i dont lije doing things without letting him know, i would ask and ask with no response then id do (whatever IT was at the time) and THEN he would respond. rollercoaster.
Absolutely because you are *trying to coparent* with him. So you are doing *what you are supposed to do* but unfortunately someone with these issues can not and will not coparent with you. I'm not sure if I specifically said it in my Hybrid No Contact video BUT do not send anything that requires a response - just say what you are going to do. So for instance, Hi Bill, I am getting Kathy's hair cut on Thursday because the physical therapist said the length is dangerous for her therapy. Alittle and that is it - no discussion or questions. If he responds with, "You can do that you're controlling and treating our daughter bla bla bla" there is no reason to respond - you've already stated the facts and put it out there. Now if he was more devious and said, "Alittle, are you sure we want to do that? It has taken so long for her hair to grow out so pretty and it means so much to her". That is where it gets more complicated because that could *appear* genuine. In that situation I would probably respond with - "Here is the number for the physical therapist see if they have a better solution". These are all hypotheticals but hopefully you can follow my train of thought. I also let my ex know what is going on (within reason) and send copies of everything I need to. But I no longer ask questions (except when I offered to let our youngest live with me a while to get her school under control - which she ignored - but she did work with her for a couple days which is what I expected to happen).
Excellent advice. I have a narcissist daughter (she is her fathers child) but I want to see the grandchildren so I have to prepare myself for their visit not to respond to her bait.
Frances Bernard here. People who are narcissistic are good at detecting the slightest kind of emotional reaction to their antics. Better to find anything that you can agree with no matter how small and then agree with them on that while using some of their exact same wording in your own context instead. And so being both agreeable and truthful at the same time will frustrate them and then soon they will leave your life because staying will no longer be any fun for them. So make sure you save money for that day instead of sticking around for more of their frustration in having to continue in their own responsibilities when getting under your skin is no longer going to be fun for them while trying to uphold the positive side of their enigmatic self-image only for themselves. And when that happens don't take it personally by getting just as hard on yourself too.
I’ve made many mistakes in my healing from sibling, friend, in-law npd abuse.....it takes time, education & practice just like you said .....I’m 6+ yrs in & feeling like I finally have courage to say/do what I want regardless of narc request & words.....this was my biggest weakness bc of programming & I wld feel intimidated
me too. my ex used the scare tactic always, keeping me under surveillance, planting "evidence" during our drama-filled divorce. even after divorced and moved 2400 miles, i was scared of him. he took me to court another 3 times. it was expensive and i was a wreck. but i made it. now he's gone. RIP. but like you said, i remember when i knew the fear was finally over. their "programming" is intense- they condition us well to manage their abuse during the devaluation stage.
Ex told the CSA (child support agency) he was unemployed in June. Truth was he got a better job so all payments ceased until they investigate. It's now August and still nothing, meanwhile he's bought a new Merc. I did not react, dropped my daughter off smiling. He took my daughter on holiday he told me Gran Canaria, she called me to say they landed in Turkey, I did not react. Sorry Duane I'm fighting the urge to get some revenge. I have fought it so far.
Love your videos they are helping me just not feel alone since I'm in the beginning stages of a temporary contested custody order and it's already been extremely difficult with flying monkeys laying traps for me and me falling in them and changing the game so quick I can't keep up and worst of all using the kids as pawns to get a rise out of me!!! All this while I am undergoing a smear campaign with the guardian!!! It's so unbearable stressful!
This is why learning no Contact or hybrid if you have to and Learning it inside and out is the best protection for yourself and the best punishment for them intentional or otherwise.
Help. My husband has his lazy sister and husband live on the apartment in our house for free without asking. I am living in hell. He torments me with them. Any help. I feel so alone. 😭
I believe I do a very good job of being as rational as I can when I have to communicate, but I'm communicating with someone irrational......... My time with my son is being completely disrespected, yet I remain silent. Just found out today they are going away for the holiday. Didn't ask, just asked if my son had told me. Same with Thanksgiving. I've had them every Thanksgiving since the divorce..This past Thanksgiving she just tells me they have plans. I did confront her on this very rationally. Her response was that she just didn't think about it. Then she says she will ask him what he wants to do. It's a downhill slide and it's sickening. He is spoiled and I will not play the game. I refuse to do anything that isn't going to benefit him,just to try to be his favorite. Just a huge struggle! Yet she will say how much he needs me???? When rational communication is attempted with an irrational person.
Ken I tried to answer this yesterday but was having network problems. Yeah you can't get pulled into those type of games because *nothing good* will/can come from it. I lived with the "I forgot" (which is right in line with "I just didn't think about it"). Just remember al of those, "But he needs his father" comments are for effect - they are to try and demonstrate to other people that she really does care and wants the best for "her" child. My ex did/does the same thing. It really is all about their illusion and false image they are trying to project. It's really hard because while they are doing that our relationships with our children are being undermined and negatively impacted. Keep your head up Ken! -Duane
My daughter was lured into narc mom's smear campaign...even behind my back. It was with me present and behind my back before I went no contact....My daughter slipped last I spoke to her and said."Everyone agrees the problem is YOU!" I caught her... she got off the phone promptly. She did not even call me for my birthday...We have not spoken in at least a month...Narc mom has me totally isolated and AT FAULT...SMEARED! My mother has done this to several family members in my lifetime successfully. She has quite a history. My daughter?? I went through a lot raising her as a single working parent with my own apt....I never should have involved my parents...Huge mistake and damage done! I did not want to leave her with strangers while I worked! What was the better choice is too late to examine now. My daughter...This hurts!! Have I made a mistake with no contact?? i think not...i could not take a microsecond more of it. Yes, Duane..I am looking for the proper therapist..I want to be in the right hands! TYSM!! You sound great...hope all is well with you. Best, Angie
Hi Angela, you know we all make the best decisions that we can at the time. We never get all the information and it doesn’t serve any good beating ourselves up afterward when we learn new information and gain new insights. Sure you can *learn* for those situations so we can adjust in the future but there really isn’t much else we can do about it. I could easily, and I did for a while, drive myself crazy second guessing what I was doing and the decisions I made. Narcissists are very good at what they do and as you’ve said you’ve witnessed in before. You didn’t say it but I would imagine there is a good chance that you were sucked in and followed earlier as well. I’ve witnessed this many times both personally and professional and these people are just masters at knowing what to say, how to portray what is going on and they are good at it. I think your *no contact* approach is absolutely correct in this regard. As you get better this will get easier - it’s just going to take time. Will your daughter ever come around? It’s hard to say because it just depends on where she’s at - or when the illusion starts to break down for her. -Duane
Just went over your response on here...again!! It was awhile ago! Makes so more sense to me NOW!! Three months later! Just blocked a long time Narc friend completely after leaving me a snide comment about "friendships"! I left it till she hoovered me...and did not respond...JUST BLOCKED for good! Duane...I will get some monetary support to you asap...The attorney is kicking my ass now and you know the "family" left me financially broken. The LAST thing you need to hear is MY financial problems right now when YOU NEED financial help keeping this all important AND Life saving channel going...It is not an excuse, Duane!! Not at all! I am in bad shape right now in the pocket...I WILL have support to you soon as I can in the near future!! Forgive me!
To late for me I might ne going to prison for being pushed to a breaker point. I was caught on camera attacking my narcissistic with a shoe trying to knock the camara he was provoking me with and recording me with. He had not mark or bruises. I was the one coverd in bruises. I was the one who got kick out of our home when I was on the deed. I also end losing the car that was my car in the marriage. This all happened just this weekend may 30 2020. So now I'm on the street with no car or place of my own and have to start all over and might be spending 5 years in prison for letting my narcissistic husband getting to me.
I’m so sorry to hear that Van Go... I always hope someone can find me before that happens so they don’t make that mistake. Were you arrested and charged for the attack or is it just a threat? You just have to make sure your actions going forward don’t have mistakes. It’s just so tough when they take everything from you.
@@DSD My husband who the narcissistic spoke to me after the Incident. I was never was arrested or spoke to any cops. He had no marks or was not hurt at all.. He said that the divorce lawyers told him to call the cop and report me because if he did not my soon to be ex husband would could end up in jail for the bruise I had and also it would help him the house and the car i was driving in the marriage . This just happened a few week ago. I moved all my stuff out the house I was on deed with my husband and left the car. I over drafted my bank account and moved to moms who live in another state far away from my husband and start over . I have block any communication with my ex so I don't have any more issues. My mom said best thing to do is just stay away from my narcissistic husband and get me some therapy . Thank you for your helpful video and kind words.
When I was in Court I never spoke except "through my Lawyer" this was a great way to be restricted, I vowed to only say through my Lawyer what my Lawyer agreed was beneficial. This avoided "cat fighting" and the Judges did not know "who I was" they just saw and heard my Lawyer. Then during the weeks and months after separation I practiced "never sending an Email in my anger" I would delay sending any Emails if possible until later. You must avoid going off the rails in Public
Duane, most of the things which I was itching to speak, were peripherals, or just impulsive gainsaying. Every time that I left the Court, after sometime I realised it was wrong that I should want to speak anything. My Lawyer should be my umbrella/protection
How can one not react if for example this person has sway over ones life. A social worker colaborating with the abusers barrister (against the law) to bring you down. What about the consequences of what they do (aside words and smearing) that can impact your life and social standing both in a legal and personal way forever. I know the impact, I have had religious persecution and authorities too, and on a personal love relationship way. How and why (feels counter intuitive and even if you want to not react, in the long term the body through trauma keeps the score) to not react. If I got the answer to that it might help loads with my anxiety. I remember at one point of the journey when I felt nearly everything was taken from me I felt "nothing maybe means anything" maybe not love, justice, your kids or your money, dignity, social respect... cuz all of it could be taken away from you like it meant nothing, even it meant everthing to you and you would fight for it till the end. But I knew deep down it was only a healing fase as I couldnt make sense of it all, after narc abuse, but its not a healthy place to stay for long. So I kinda dont know.
And Carmi - I truly believe they always do... We may not see the consequences with our own eyes but they can not escape the evil for which they've done and there are always consequences for it...
I signed divorce papers last week!! Few days later my ex n sends me a Garth brooks song video and we'll always be friends ... hope all goes good for me blah blah blah... I looked it rationally, friends?? Gimme a break!! Guess what I texted back? Absolutely nothing, no response! Small victories 😊
I had to learn is the hard way and I can’t stress enough how important it is to work towards this point in your recovery… Always have a backup plan so there is never a reason to engage
That is really great advice Steve. Any time you think you have to engage with the ex because of some “issue” before you do that TRY to find an alternate solution that bypasses them. It’s hard to do in the beginning because the are SUPPOSED to co-parent. But it just turns into a nightmare and they are just looking for that conflict or reaction. -Duane
I don’t know how you do it Duane but that one, (yet again) is right on point and right on time. Thank you.
This is a truly horrendous position to be in.
It’s very very hard, beacause I am bottling up all that rage.
I can so relate with that Garima but that is one of those things that will backfire on you. We have to learn how to process and make our peace with that rage otherwise it will consume you. But you're right it is VERY VERY difficult.
Meditation and self care including exercise to release the rage until you can find a way to be totally free from the narc in your life.
Thank you for helping me understand
The abuse is intensifying linearly with my repulsion to interaction. It is wearing. This is a very rough road. There is no way out
❤️
He triggers me always!! But I am learning that he is provocative in nature and he wants me to react so thank you for your videos they are helping me tremendously and I’m so glad that you’re doing better
They have a unique ability to *always* know how to push our buttons. After time *and practice* we can mitigate it but even now for me there are times she is able to do it to me. Minimizing contact is a good step but it just takes time to be able to not have those impacts.
Thank you for another great video!!!! Yip, our reaction is their fuel and our anger or frustration is their biggest high of all. Never let them know what you r thinking or more importantly "how you feel". It makes it a little more difficult for them to keep spinning their plates. It throws them off with getting no feed back from you. Lol.
Absolutely Leah and as I mentioned in another response *not responding* can be *so empowering* in this fight against these people. It really does have an impact to *their* environment. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce. Very EMPOWERING!!! No matter how difficult it gets, and I know it does, remember that it's the only way to take the control away from them. Grey rock.... it eats them up inside. It feels weird, like ur not taking up for ur self. But they feel like they r winning if u show them they have gotten under ur skin.
Very true Leah - it's all about supply and emotional control! But we give them both and we can choice to give them nothing. -Duane
Congratulations!! Keep going now...there's more non responses and our own tactics to learn and apply....You will feel so much better and take your control back and your pwn life!! don't feel guilty...they prey on that!! Learn all you can from all the videos you can....and find a therapist well versed in Narc Abuse!!
ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH MY NOW EX NARC:
Me: You were trying to meet with “Liam” while you were telling me I was the only one!
NARCISSIST: That’s before I knew that all “Liam” wanted was money.
Me: WTF?!?!? (Total confusion ensues in my mind followed by a brief stint of insanity )
No Insight, no guilt, no accountability, no responsibility, no apology and no use in confronting them on anything.
RUN RUN RUN RUN AWSY FROM THESE DISGUSTING NARCISSIST! Save your sanity.
Thank you much for helping me to burn this into my brain. I messed up today. I reacted, sigh. I'm still with him, and remaining within myself without reacting to his ridiculousness on a day to day basis is very difficult. Trying to prepare better for the future. Videos like these are helping me in so many ways. Thank you, sincerely.
How do you manage? Is it a marriage? Kids?
I have found through my narc is that she constantly, like you said, tries to get a reaction out of me. This way it allows her an excuse to berate me. The scare tactics approach seems to be her favorite. I have come to now know that whatever it is she tells me in a text NEVER comes to fruition. Everything is ALWAYS my fault according to her. My atty tells me absolutely no contact with her period. Sometimes she does hit those sensitive buttons and it just drives me crazy to not respond. Duane, your videos are spot on and have been big help in my narc battle. Thanks!
Good advice from your attorney Mike. But I completely understand, it is so difficult to not *set the record straight* and show her the faults in her accusations and arguments. But as you're already realizing you can't reason with an unreasonable (potential cluster b) individual and responding to them in any way is a victory for THEM. I hope you're starting to realize that - it took me a while to get to that point and I spent many a email trying to "correct" her. That was a complete was of time and i never felt like I made any progress.
bait and berate. that's what my current narc is doing. it sucks, because she is my daughter, so trying to grey-rock and avoid no contact, but i fear she is constantly setting me up and i don't have a good feeling about it. i totally get your "excuse to berate me" situation. hope you are healing/healed!
This is so true. You have to starve their ego. It takes a lot of practice. You want to go to war for your kids like in the example of coparenting. You want to defend and explain and respond and try to get the person to realize how wrong they are. What you really need to do is stop. You need to pull yourself entirely away to the point of emotional indifference to this person. And even if you don’t feel that way, fake it until you make it. Give them nothing. Get used to acting with indifference and eventually you will be truly indifferent. They have no power except the power you give to them. Give them nothing. Make your emotions expensive.
Don’t give that away for free. Start looking at every single provocation as an opportunity to free yourself from the bullsh*t. And as an opportunity to rise above it. You do not have to participate. They NEED you to participate or else they will die an ego death in relation to you. Let them perish (figuratively). You are robbing yourself when you give them a reaction. You are GIVING a reaction for free and filling their cup. Stop doing that, or you will be depleted. P.S. We’re all emotional about our kids but save that emotion for your interactions WITH them, not ABOUT them with the narcissist.
They want a response bc they are so desperate for attention as well?
That and they thrive in the chaos Deedee. Everything they do is about maintaining their facade and keeping their own illusion real for them. It is a constant struggle which just feeds the chaos which is their live. We get sucked into their tornado and are collateral damage - our children are also victims of this as well. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce I think the important thing we should teach our children is that is not acceptable behavior . However I am a big advocate on forgiving despite the turmoil they put us through. I've always wondered what occured in their childhood that would cause them to conduct themselves in this manor to their own flesh and blood without lack of empathy or remorse.
Exactly DeeDee - that really is the main positive - besides escaping - out of this that we get to have these teachable moments with our children to hopefully inoculate them from narcissistic predators when they become adults. -Duane
I’m just coming across your videos recently. I know logically that reacting vs responding isn’t good and will never end well for me. You mentioned here something about preparing yourself for situations where you shouldn’t react, and I just find that so exhausting. I know it’s the logical thing to do, but it’s tiring living that way. I guess I just needed to vent, but I know you’re right about this. Anyway I appreciate how level headed you are and it’s a comfort. Thank you.
Mine got me arrested , she was saying the kids hated me exc asked her to leave , she refused . I saw she was taping me took her phone threw on floor . It broke she said I'm
Going to have you arrested and she did she said I grabbed her . It's unreal what this person has done , I'm still in disbelief that she is this way .
It’s really scary Todd what these people are able to do. It is all about their control and manipulation. This is especially true when they don’t necessarily need you employees OR if they just can’t see things clearly enough to recognize the damage to themselves (as in you’re in jail and can’t make money to pay them). Hopefully your situation is in the past and you’re not still in the middle of the this, well to the extent you’re talking about here. -Duane
I’m still married to one of these women. Her new tactic is to continually poke and prod and after days of it, “I snap, and respond in anger!!” And there she is RECORDING my REACTIONS on her phone. It is a FELONY to record someone without there knowledge in my state. She continues to do it anyway. Then, I believe, she is showing the recordings to friends and family. I want to take that damn phone and smash it as well. Sorry to read your comment, but I’m living it as well. Domestic violence advocates, will tell “people” to record the behaviors as evidence, that your the problem, not them. If you REACT, in a normal human way, under the constant pressure and instigation, then your painted the abuser. It’s called REACTIVE ABUSE, and I admit it’s wrong, but in my situation, it’s warranted abuse. How in the hell can you not react emotionally, if you actually are able to feel emotions. Yeah, I got work to do on myself, I guess. Funny how these types, especially the females, have law enforcement, judges, lawyers, and seemingly the whole world on their side. So as a husband and father, go file for divorce, and lose potentially a lifetime of assets, and more importantly my kids, or stay, and one day have the cops at my house. She did call the cops on me once.......it’s all a sick set up. I wish you peace, and all the prayers I have, with your criminal charge. Sorry again to have to read your comment. It hit home with me. Be careful. Sad that the only way to defeat a NON CARING narcissistic female, is to let her walk all over you, and NOT CARE at all, as well. Tough to do. Very tough not to respond emotionally in anger. VERY TOUGH, for me anyway.
I hear you, I'm going through exactly the same thing. I haven't left yet. But am planning too
@@tonyrobbins1665 good luck
Thank you Duane!! Really helpful information!! I've always had the tendency to blame myself when I behaved emotionally.Even though I am much better now I realize that we always have the chance to improve ourselves. Giving sports as an example is something that I will keep in mind in terms of dealing with emotions or how not to respond emotionally to a narcissist!!Thank you again!!😇
You are very welcome Gamze and I'm glad the information/channel is helpful! I think sometimes we get so focused on the crisis at hand and we are so angry and hurt we can't see the simple things. We also tend to beat ourselves up when we aren't *acting* or *responding* the way we *wish* we would. But like I said in the video we have to realize that this is a painful event and it is going to take time *and training* to get us where we want to be. Just keep focused on *getting better* and watch out for the little improvements *that you are making* even if they feel like *micro improvements* they are still improvements! -Duane
Hi Duane. Great video as always. thank you. i need this reminders. very good way to look at this. " we have to practice" it so true! We learn our kids new things al the time and we know we have to say it again and again and again... and it's the same for us. sometimes we have to do wrong things to learn how we should have done insted.. easy to say but not always that easy to do.. but we learn.
Emma it is so true and I thought it was important to say because I think we loose track of that and we think we *should be better* at doing all of this. We have to understand that this isn't easy - so why would we think that we would respond perfectly every time? The wrong decisions are also helpful because it also helps us see reality. -Duane
Hi Duane,
Hope you're continuing to do well and thanks, as always, for helping me and others get through a difficult time. Had to share some good news for a change.
A friend of a friend had just been through a divorce. I learned that she had 4 children.
Knowing how you inspire me and others, I wanted to do the same. I did and she responded such warm thankfulness and appreciation.
It made my day! Had watery eyes initially reading the note but I'm smiling now & am so glad that I reached out to her. Made me feel stronger too as a person to enable me to continue along the road to recovery.
Have a sunny day Duane!
That is great Tigerprint and that is awesome that you can be of support to a friend. Sometimes it can be good to help someone because you can look at their situation objectively and then when you come back to your situation it can be more manageable! But that is great that you are able to be a positive and constructive lifeline for someone else! You are definitely getting stronger!!! -Duane
Sorry, neglected to mention that I wrote her a letter sharing some thoughts of when I went through a divorce & my feelings & thoughts @ the time that I experienced. Mentioned to her that with the help of family & friends that I managed to get through it and that she would too. She later replied to me via a note.
Hi Duane,
You're absolutely right in that I felt better, stronger about my situation after helping someone else with their predicament. I focused less on the poor me syndrome & more on the acute stage of grief of another.
Thank you for your encouraging words. Tonight for the first time since NC, I like me. Have a peaceful, restful night! I am so fortunate that you are here for me and for many others.
I needed to hear this. It's hard to know when you have to respond or not.
Rebelaw check out my video *Hybrid No Contact* (th-cam.com/video/8Pv6kLWe5C4/w-d-xo.html) which talks in specifics about what to respond to and what to ignore. -Duane
So on and so timely!! Ugh they are all the same. I am so glad of your videos Duane. Keeping me going here...
Great Aveline I'm glad the video was helpful and thank you for the support! Hope to see you on the livestream tomorrow and I think you'll appreciate Wednesday's video as well! :-)
Great video. I am going to post it in my support group thanks
Thank you Tracy I appreciate that! -Duane
God bless you for this message ❤
How do you juggle enforcing boundaries with not providing a reaction?
Erin you have to be *very calm* about it - more like a business approach - so you keep the emotion out of it and just keep things *matter of fact*. You don't argue with them you don't give them that emotional response they are looking for. I know it seems hard to wrap your head around - it too me a while to figure that out myself. A good example was when I sued her in small claims court - prior to that everything was *very business*. So instead of trying to negotiate with her about it I just served her papers. When she "yelled" in email - I didn't respond. I just went through with the *consequence* of taking her back to court without engaging with her. I'll work on a video talking about this specific issue, hopefully that will be helpful. -Duane
Thanks. I feel boxed in sometimes between reacting or being a doormat and either way they win. I will have to work on being as calm and expressionless as possible.
It's such saslap in the face to get told to keep getting abused.
This appears to be a variation of the very effective "Gray Rock" technique. If one does this consistently with his/her narc, the Cluster B will face boredom when attempting to interact with you. Cluster B's process boredom *much, much differently* from those of us who are not afflicted with such maladaptive/dysfunctional personality traits. Boredom is *the kiss of death* to them.
My ex has been seeing an Overt Narcissist for about 9 months now. I took him to court to file for sole custody because of her emotional abuse towards my children and his desire to put this "woman" before his children.
The judge sent their father and I into the hallway, to see if we could come to an agreement. Before I could get 2 words in, she grabbed his arm and yelled "No. You can't control him any more". Mind you, he and I had ended our relationship in 2009.
Anyway, she proceeded to laugh when I told him that our daughter was suffering from his negligence and I said "do you think this is funny? This isn't funny." She then replied that it was hilarious because she was going through the same thing herself. (custody battle)
I looked at him and shook my head. She then got mere inches from my face and started screaming profanities at me, calling me all types of degrading names and then ended it with "you need to have your children taken away from you. And I feel sorry for your baby. I really do!" (I have a 9 month old)
I swear I envisioned my fist breaking her teeth. I could see it in my minds eye. But I shut my mouth and walked back into the courtroom.
I made sure to tell the judge that I was verbally accosted in the hallway (to have it on record) and the judge said since she saw no signs of physical trauma to the children, that custody would remain 50/50.
However, in the court order, she stated that the children shall not be left alone in the care of his girlfriend.
So, small victory there.
Our next court date is in July. I have since hired a lawyer in the hopes to obtain sole custody.
My point is, if I had lost my cool and punched her in her mouth, it would have been a very different outcome for me and the children.
It's so very important, not to react. Let them dig their own graves.
Great video!!
Oh you are so correct Malinda had you lost control it would have been a *completely different story*. It's amazing how people like this just can not comprehend the damage they are doing. It makes sense though because their entire lives are full of chaos the more chaos they have going around then no one has time to really *look at what is going on*. Good luck with your attorney hopefully you can find one that can poke holes in what they are doing and ultimately get you full custody of the children. -Duane
excellent perspective .thank you !
You are welcome, hope things are starting to get better
Divorcing a strongly suspected narc here. I've gotten to the point where I don't take anything, positive or negative, that they say seriously. Whatever happens, be in court or outside of court, during my divorce will happen. I can only control things that I have influence over...and despite her fantasies, she only has control over the people and things that allow her to have control. My turning point was realizing that almost everything she said or threatened only made sense in the context of her being the master & commander of the world. It's ridiculous for her to think she has that sort of power. Do not validate that warped viewpoint by buying into it! Let those threats, subtle or overt, fall to the wayside and allow the chips to fall where they may.
Duane, Great video !! All about control, dangling the kids as pawns in a their very sick game. Mind blowing that these people don't have a problem manipulate/ruining children.It is criminal!!
Dan Ski but if you are the good parent making appropriate choices for your children, somehow we are being manipulative and dangling the kids on a string. For example, i am a stay at home mom, my ex works. i told him for months i was going to get our daughters hair cut. she is very active and started physical therapy and occupational therapy in which her hair became a hazard. Finally I cut it, before i did I sent a picture and said i was going to get her hair cut. NO response. Thirty minutes later i sent another picture of her haircut. He responded as quick as I sent it saying cutting her hair was a form of control, he told me this and that and I didnt listen to him insisted Id cut her hair simply to piss him off. I was in shock at all the stuff he text and I told him I was blocking him for a bit. A haircut and I am a monster. He cuts their insurance without telling me, cut access to the kids money with no warning and is not giving our kids needed medical treatments (but they do nothing wrong). sorry i rambled. i agree with you.
Excellent point MDDare, I really like your comment *everything she said or threatened only made sense in the context of her being the master * commander of the world*. That is a perfect way to describe it for all of us. The sad part is when we realize that we give away that power unwittingly. Every step away from that bring the power back to us.
Thank you Dan, it is a very sick game and they have zero connection with empathy to *feel* what they are doing to their children.
Donewithit, they are always going to look for things to try to get an emotional response from you. Once you start to see the pattern and understand what they are doing then their ability to manipulate you will be reduced. It's hard though - I know when I was going through it I would fight her and I would be stressed about it. I didn't have the hair cut thing for me as she was the one who had their hair cut - but I do remember the time I went to pick up my youngest from the after school program and I couldn't find her because her really long hair was gone and I didn't recognize her.
Cytherea please just send your friend over to the channel - send him *The Mindset for Narcissistic Recovery Playlist* (th-cam.com/play/PL_m6CcV-0KF7elaJIDdEcSdSVPumeBcbS.html) - he really needs to start to see things clearly and how to understand and process it. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce i dont lije doing things without letting him know, i would ask and ask with no response then id do (whatever IT was at the time) and THEN he would respond. rollercoaster.
Absolutely because you are *trying to coparent* with him. So you are doing *what you are supposed to do* but unfortunately someone with these issues can not and will not coparent with you. I'm not sure if I specifically said it in my Hybrid No Contact video BUT do not send anything that requires a response - just say what you are going to do. So for instance,
Hi Bill,
I am getting Kathy's hair cut on Thursday because the physical therapist said the length is dangerous for her therapy.
Alittle
and that is it - no discussion or questions. If he responds with, "You can do that you're controlling and treating our daughter bla bla bla" there is no reason to respond - you've already stated the facts and put it out there. Now if he was more devious and said, "Alittle, are you sure we want to do that? It has taken so long for her hair to grow out so pretty and it means so much to her". That is where it gets more complicated because that could *appear* genuine. In that situation I would probably respond with - "Here is the number for the physical therapist see if they have a better solution".
These are all hypotheticals but hopefully you can follow my train of thought. I also let my ex know what is going on (within reason) and send copies of everything I need to. But I no longer ask questions (except when I offered to let our youngest live with me a while to get her school under control - which she ignored - but she did work with her for a couple days which is what I expected to happen).
Super video. Thanks so much for all you do.
Thank you for the support *me ovearth*! -Duane
So helpful. THANK YOU!!
Glad it was helpful!
Spot on!! Thank You!!
Excellent advice. I have a narcissist daughter (she is her fathers child) but I want to see the grandchildren so I have to prepare myself for their visit not to respond to her bait.
Thank you for these videos
Thanks for the support Stephanie. 👍🏻
Frances Bernard here. People who are narcissistic are good at detecting the slightest kind of emotional reaction to their antics. Better to find anything that you can agree with no matter how small and then agree with them on that while using some of their exact same wording in your own context instead. And so being both agreeable and truthful at the same time will frustrate them and then soon they will leave your life because staying will no longer be any fun for them. So make sure you save money for that day instead of sticking around for more of their frustration in having to continue in their own responsibilities when getting under your skin is no longer going to be fun for them while trying to uphold the positive side of their enigmatic self-image only for themselves. And when that happens don't take it personally by getting just as hard on yourself too.
I’ve made many mistakes in my healing from sibling, friend, in-law npd abuse.....it takes time, education & practice just like you said .....I’m 6+ yrs in & feeling like I finally have courage to say/do what I want regardless of narc request & words.....this was my biggest weakness bc of programming & I wld feel intimidated
me too. my ex used the scare tactic always, keeping me under surveillance, planting "evidence" during our drama-filled divorce. even after divorced and moved 2400 miles, i was scared of him. he took me to court another 3 times. it was expensive and i was a wreck. but i made it. now he's gone. RIP. but like you said, i remember when i knew the fear was finally over. their "programming" is intense- they condition us well to manage their abuse during the devaluation stage.
I think you would be a great licensed counselor and speaker you are very knowledgeable easy to listen to and make a bunch of sense !!!!
Ex told the CSA (child support agency) he was unemployed in June. Truth was he got a better job so all payments ceased until they investigate. It's now August and still nothing, meanwhile he's bought a new Merc. I did not react, dropped my daughter off smiling. He took my daughter on holiday he told me Gran Canaria, she called me to say they landed in Turkey, I did not react. Sorry Duane I'm fighting the urge to get some revenge. I have fought it so far.
Love your videos they are helping me just not feel alone since I'm in the beginning stages of a temporary contested custody order and it's already been extremely difficult with flying monkeys laying traps for me and me falling in them and changing the game so quick I can't keep up and worst of all using the kids as pawns to get a rise out of me!!! All this while I am undergoing a smear campaign with the guardian!!! It's so unbearable stressful!
Always goes back to grey rock.
This is why learning no Contact or hybrid if you have to and Learning it inside and out is the best protection for yourself and the best punishment for them intentional or otherwise.
Exactly Chris it is imperative to learn these techniques - it's training for the *big game*! -Duane
Your poor kids- sorry having to be with a Narc Mom. Doesn’t sound good for them ..
Help. My husband has his lazy sister and husband live on the apartment in our house for free without asking. I am living in hell. He torments me with them. Any help. I feel so alone. 😭
I believe I do a very good job of being as rational as I can when I have to communicate, but I'm communicating with someone irrational......... My time with my son is being completely disrespected, yet I remain silent. Just found out today they are going away for the holiday. Didn't ask, just asked if my son had told me. Same with Thanksgiving. I've had them every Thanksgiving since the divorce..This past Thanksgiving she just tells me they have plans. I did confront her on this very rationally. Her response was that she just didn't think about it. Then she says she will ask him what he wants to do. It's a downhill slide and it's sickening. He is spoiled and I will not play the game. I refuse to do anything that isn't going to benefit him,just to try to be his favorite. Just a huge struggle!
Yet she will say how much he needs me????
When rational communication is attempted with an irrational person.
Ken I tried to answer this yesterday but was having network problems. Yeah you can't get pulled into those type of games because *nothing good* will/can come from it. I lived with the "I forgot" (which is right in line with "I just didn't think about it"). Just remember al of those, "But he needs his father" comments are for effect - they are to try and demonstrate to other people that she really does care and wants the best for "her" child. My ex did/does the same thing. It really is all about their illusion and false image they are trying to project. It's really hard because while they are doing that our relationships with our children are being undermined and negatively impacted. Keep your head up Ken! -Duane
My daughter was lured into narc mom's smear campaign...even behind my back. It was with me present and behind my back before I went no contact....My daughter slipped last I spoke to her and said."Everyone agrees the problem is YOU!" I caught her... she got off the phone promptly. She did not even call me for my birthday...We have not spoken in at least a month...Narc mom has me totally isolated and AT FAULT...SMEARED! My mother has done this to several family members in my lifetime successfully. She has quite a history. My daughter?? I went through a lot raising her as a single working parent with my own apt....I never should have involved my parents...Huge mistake and damage done! I did not want to leave her with strangers while I worked! What was the better choice is too late to examine now. My daughter...This hurts!! Have I made a mistake with no contact?? i think not...i could not take a microsecond more of it. Yes, Duane..I am looking for the proper therapist..I want to be in the right hands! TYSM!! You sound great...hope all is well with you. Best, Angie
Hi Angela, you know we all make the best decisions that we can at the time. We never get all the information and it doesn’t serve any good beating ourselves up afterward when we learn new information and gain new insights. Sure you can *learn* for those situations so we can adjust in the future but there really isn’t much else we can do about it. I could easily, and I did for a while, drive myself crazy second guessing what I was doing and the decisions I made.
Narcissists are very good at what they do and as you’ve said you’ve witnessed in before. You didn’t say it but I would imagine there is a good chance that you were sucked in and followed earlier as well. I’ve witnessed this many times both personally and professional and these people are just masters at knowing what to say, how to portray what is going on and they are good at it. I think your *no contact* approach is absolutely correct in this regard. As you get better this will get easier - it’s just going to take time. Will your daughter ever come around? It’s hard to say because it just depends on where she’s at - or when the illusion starts to break down for her. -Duane
Just went over your response on here...again!! It was awhile ago! Makes so more sense to me NOW!! Three months later! Just blocked a long time Narc friend completely after leaving me a snide comment about "friendships"! I left it till she hoovered me...and did not respond...JUST BLOCKED for good!
Duane...I will get some monetary support to you asap...The attorney is kicking my ass now and you know the "family" left me financially broken. The LAST thing you need to hear is MY financial problems right now when YOU NEED financial help keeping this all important AND Life saving channel going...It is not an excuse, Duane!! Not at all! I am in bad shape right now in the pocket...I WILL have support to you soon as I can in the near future!! Forgive me!
To late for me I might ne going to prison for being pushed to a breaker point. I was caught on camera attacking my narcissistic with a shoe trying to knock the camara he was provoking me with and recording me with. He had not mark or bruises. I was the one coverd in bruises. I was the one who got kick out of our home when I was on the deed. I also end losing the car that was my car in the marriage. This all happened just this weekend may 30 2020. So now I'm on the street with no car or place of my own and have to start all over and might be spending 5 years in prison for letting my narcissistic husband getting to me.
I’m so sorry to hear that Van Go... I always hope someone can find me before that happens so they don’t make that mistake. Were you arrested and charged for the attack or is it just a threat? You just have to make sure your actions going forward don’t have mistakes. It’s just so tough when they take everything from you.
@@DSD My husband who the narcissistic spoke to me after the Incident. I was never was arrested or spoke to any cops. He had no marks or was not hurt at all.. He said that the divorce lawyers told him to call the cop and report me because if he did not my soon to be ex husband would could end up in jail for the bruise I had and also it would help him the house and the car i was driving in the marriage . This just happened a few week ago. I moved all my stuff out the house I was on deed with my husband and left the car. I over drafted my bank account and moved to moms who live in another state far away from my husband and start over . I have block any communication with my ex so I don't have any more issues. My mom said best thing to do is just stay away from my narcissistic husband and get me some therapy . Thank you for your helpful video and kind words.
Thanks. Really helps.
🙏 “Fight and flight” is not the solution. It is hard. That is how we can be free.
True...
I have custody and my ex has never abided by court orders. I dont know what a weekend is... goin on 15 yrs.
You know how hard this is 😔
When I was in Court I never spoke except "through my Lawyer" this was a great way to be restricted, I vowed to only say through my Lawyer what my Lawyer agreed was beneficial. This avoided "cat fighting" and the Judges did not know "who I was" they just saw and heard my Lawyer. Then during the weeks and months after separation I practiced "never sending an Email in my anger" I would delay sending any Emails if possible until later. You must avoid going off the rails in Public
Great point Chris! I just recorded a video about this
Duane, most of the things which I was itching to speak, were peripherals, or just impulsive gainsaying. Every time that I left the Court, after sometime I realised it was wrong that I should want to speak anything. My Lawyer should be my umbrella/protection
What if they say there going to the police cos you react to there abuse
How can one not react if for example this person has sway over ones life. A social worker colaborating with the abusers barrister (against the law) to bring you down. What about the consequences of what they do (aside words and smearing) that can impact your life and social standing both in a legal and personal way forever. I know the impact, I have had religious persecution and authorities too, and on a personal love relationship way. How and why (feels counter intuitive and even if you want to not react, in the long term the body through trauma keeps the score) to not react. If I got the answer to that it might help loads with my anxiety. I remember at one point of the journey when I felt nearly everything was taken from me I felt "nothing maybe means anything" maybe not love, justice, your kids or your money, dignity, social respect... cuz all of it could be taken away from you like it meant nothing, even it meant everthing to you and you would fight for it till the end. But I knew deep down it was only a healing fase as I couldnt make sense of it all, after narc abuse, but its not a healthy place to stay for long. So I kinda dont know.
You’re very good. May I ask what your background is?
Correct, but you can always remind yourself that they're going to get what's coming to them.
And Carmi - I truly believe they always do... We may not see the consequences with our own eyes but they can not escape the evil for which they've done and there are always consequences for it...
@@DSD that's right just let their wickedness catch up to them! We also have to remember not to feed them their narcissistic supply.
Exactly but that sure is a difficult lesson to learn!!! Just hope my channel helps because it sure took me a long time to figure that one out!!!
I signed divorce papers last week!! Few days later my ex n sends me a Garth brooks song video and we'll always be friends ... hope all goes good for me blah blah blah... I looked it rationally, friends?? Gimme a break!! Guess what I texted back? Absolutely nothing, no response! Small victories 😊
Congratulations on the signed divorce papers Lisa! The first major hurdle passed! Perfect on the no response good for you! -Duane
Sonds esey to werkaway
All of this is much more difficult in practice...
Loved it!
Professional quality
Thank you HayteStree! I really try to make it the best I can! I appreciate the feedback! -Duane
they sick energy vampires🥺😩 so much darknesses around them.