Covert narcicists get angry like you have done something wrong by saying no or setting boundaries. Covert narcicists love to 'flip the script'. They copy people. No contact or grey rock are the only options. Standard. 💯
That's why their self-esteem is so low; they expect perfection. That's why they can't admit mistakes. They're terrified that we're going to find out that they're not perfect. They project their fears onto those they devalue. We already know we're not perfect and we're willing to admit when we make mistakes.
You can't make a miserable person satisfied ever. They are never happy because they refuse to look at their own flaws and own them, they deflect them onto others.
this is a great video. went through the entire cycle and man it can definitely leave you with some mental issues. they literally go from being amazing to treating you like trash. it’s like a switch. and the worst part is they just drop you like nothing. no matter what you do for them they’ll somehow turn you into the issue. and move right to the next person!
and another thing they are BUSY bodies, they will do anything they can to not have to be alone and self reflect. i noticed mine in particular basically lived with me and always had a bunch of clothes etc in her car. i could tell she never went home, even if she wasn’t with me lol
Narcicists are 'social climbers' such as Megan Markle. They drop everyone like 'hot potatoes' once they are no use to them any more. Devaluation and Disguard strategy. They move on to their new supply with no empathy, guilt, or remorse. They hate themselves so how could they possibly love or even like others? Self projection and reflection. Our job is to say no and walk away. Set boundaries. 'Grey rock' or no contact are the only options because covert narcicists can and will never change unfortunately. Peace, love and light 🙏🏻🌟🕊
I was basically set up for the whole narcissistic cycle because at the time I was extremely naive and clueless in relation to these things and had very weak boundaries, divulged too much personal info, and was easily taken in by the excessive and fake validation of the idealization phase. This said the devalue phase was initiated at a moment which for me at the time appeared to be completely out of the blue, but in reality was timed to cause maximum emotional impact.
Yes i fell for the whole fantasy too. Was at the receiving end of a disgusting discard by the girl i thought loved me when she moved in with another guy on our cruise.
I do understand what you’re talking about I’m going into 5mos separated from my husband and I’m thinking about it all day all night I feel consumed with it all in time and never give up on me. The pain is indescribable only someone that went through it
Here is the main issue...as children we are not allowed to be ourselves. So we are tamed and pulled by outside people. We love without a sense of "i am...". This is why sense of self is always sought outisde.
Oh it's 2 weeks since he discarded me and it is so painful, un blievable😭🤧🤧 Yes, discard is not the right word! They pour shit on you.They destroy your value as a human being to the last bit of grace you had in your life. Now that they are bored and leaving you are a walking figure of shame and disgrace for them🥺😰Narcissists are the most horrible experience in human romantic relations.💔 And thank you so much for this informing video.
She is defending these horrible evil people. Like they are to be understood and pitied. They feel disappointed when they realize you are not perfect. Oh gee, the poor things.
Narcissist is always devalue their partner without reason, no matter what . So even we follow their devils plan things would be the same, the cycle will automatically goes on and on.
What REALLY messed me up with one of the main Narcissists in my life was after he discarded me... he KEPT coming BACK! And it was always "Oh, I was wrong! I realize the error of my ways. That other girl I replaced you with meant nothing! You were my everything all along! I'm so sorry I hurt you....." And the damn cycle would start again... except I'd torture myself walking on extra thin eggshells so afraid he would go out of my life again. Inevitably, I'd mess up somehow (no matter how minor) and all of a sudden I'm just dirt to him and he's gone. I'm sad it took me as long as it did to wise up- But I didn't have the knowledge I have now. The last time he tried to get back into my life, the hardest part was not laughing out loud. I was armed with knowledge by then and SO done with his rodeo. I still kick myself a little for that sense of the dread of him going out of my life. Him leaving was ALWAYS the best thing that could ever happen!
That is what they do best come back after discarding you !!! So glad and proud of you for finally seeing the Light and not taking that abuse any longer 😢❤
After enduring a 7 year relationship with a narc it takes a toll on a person's psyche. I attempted suicide due to the feelings of never being able to meet her demands. I changed jobs, I moved homes, I endured far too many cycles. The discard was by far always the most difficult, leaving me questioning my worth. I only recently realized that it wasnt me, sure I played a part, but it wasnt I that did all those hurtful things. Quite the opposite. The more I attempted to show my love in all the various ways, the more she created distance and conflict. She never once tried to chase after me, and always acted like she did so much for me and the relationship, despite he discarding me multiple times, not once saying She was sorry for the hurt she caused. I was stupid for staying with the relationship as long as I did. I just wanted to believe that she was my "best friend". When I know thats not what true best friends do to each other. The childhood trauma runs deep, and I doubt it ever truly gets resolved. Especially if their parents are no longer living. Their trauma will never have the confrontation and closure it needs for them to heal.
This video is pretty good, very accurate analysis of their behavior without dipping into the causes in childhood. Well done and well said...no overt blaming of the person with mental health problems either perfect 👏👌
I feel you. It’s really really tough. I promise it’s worth it and it will eventually get easier. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Don’t give up. It’s worth it.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror 2 years with the covert. completely enmeshed with her and her kids. Literally everything changed in less than 24 hours. Discarded me and two weeks later with someone else. Right before thanksgiving. I feel like the pain will never go away. I ignored red flags that I see now but it dosnt help.
I’m sorry. I know how bad it is, but the pain won’t last forever and, as hard as it is to believe, you’ll eventually be thankful that you’re no longer in that relationship. I promise.
Narcissists are innately attracted to those who have some degree of co-dependency traits, ie, abandonment and/or engulfment. It’s the flip side of NPD relationships. So, while you’re within the reflecting stage of your recovery, look also at yourself and be open to the type of partners you’re also attracted to in order to protect from repeating your past negative experiences
When there is nothing left to take from you they discard you. You make them sound like a pitiful person. They are not. They are evil. They will drink your last drop of blood and then throw you out.
I’m being discarded at the moment. I’ve watched a lot of videos by different counsellors and they have all been very helpful but this is the video that I will keep coming back to when I feel myself wavering. It is the best explanation of devaluation and being discarded. I’m a big guy and I did a tough job so it’s a shock to realise that I have been the victim of abuse. I feel demeaned and there are going to be dark days ahead but I will replay this video over and over again. Thank you .
Thank you for your discussion on this!! I am going through this phase with a few relationships and searching for reminders like this bc I’m just so confused 😢
Yup i had to move on even though i promised the daughter to make sure she completed her education by the she is academically inclined ,sadly she started behaving just like the mother(lies) i just had to move on it was like running a race but is determined to finish Its a black hole trust me
It’s all perspective. The narcissist wasted my time. Discarded me after 27 yrs of marriage and 5.5 yrs together prior. He meets all the criteria, all the red flags were there, and a therapist I saw at 12 yrs of marriage never suggested an article, a book or a video despite my giving her every example. Truth be told, I said a lot of what I now know after researching narcissism (which I initially rejected as an overused term) to my husband not knowing I was listing Narcissistic characteristics. I just thought he had a huge (but fragile) ego, was incredibly arrogant (which also appears as confidence), was a leader (controlling) Etc.
I can relate to that. I remember thinking about one person I knew “Wow. He’s so insensitive to other people’s feelings”, but never dreaming of labeling that as “narcissistic” when it clearly was.
The only really way to counteract abuse is to go no contact! She already blocked me on everything but is enjoying my discomfort at social events where i get inviting stares followed by silent treatments and flirtatious triangulation with unwitting men. On an attractive 36 year old woman it is too difficult for the mind to comprehend that I’m dealing with someone with literally the emotional maturity and empathy of a 2 year old. If the intellect and body of that person was that age i could differentiate and reconcile it in my mind but it is too confusing and I’m just providing her with negative supply which seems to be much more how it is as the relationship has progressed even though i was discarded 5 months ago. Still highly controlling as if I’m her property eaves dropping every conversation with a woman i talk to. It becomes more about punishment with her than reconciliation as knowing her has continued. I’m guessing this is common if anyone can confirm.
I met this girl in January. We hit it of really well and fast. She seemed so into me. She initiated a relationship with me on fb etc. She told me stuff like she saw no faults in me etc. Was sweet and loving. Lots of hugging, kissing holding hands. Great sex. Then over a week she turned cold. So i asked her what was wrong. She said everything under the sun. I dont see how its going to work out blabla. I was chocked to say the least. Like what happened? Weeks go by and I am shattered. And all the while I think she is kinda down aswell. But no. She was posting a new fb profile picture. Updating on her dogs etc. Its like she acted like she dropped an ice cream cone on the ground. While i was in despair I wish on no one. How can you go into a relationship with someone like she did and then discard that person like nothing just a couple of 2 months later? Two weeks prior to her dropping me she held me in the store as we were grocery shopping. "I like you more and more" all smiling and loving 😢 how can you do that to people. Well now I know.
You could be telling my story! I met my ex in January, and she also seemed super into me, calling me her partner very early on, talking about moving in together, so many words of affirmation (e.g. "You can't believe how much I like you," which reminds me of your ex's "I like you more and more"). I saw warning signs of her turning cold and callous and telling me she was emotionally unavailable, but then she would come around and love bomb me again, and at that point, I was already so attached and addicted to her. We broke up but remained very toxic friends who acted like partners until one day, out of the blue, she discarded me. Just like that. We went from seeing each other every day, talking throughout the day, calling each other honey and love to her just disappearing, gaslighting me, calling me "dude," and not caring when I went to the ER with a panic attack caused by the emotional stress. You described it so well: "She acted like she dropped an ice cream cone on the ground while I was in despair." ABSOLUTELY. It has been incredibly painful, to say the least, and I am so sorry for what you're going through too.
@@sabrinastrand5345 Hey, thank you so much for telling me your story. Yes it was and is still a chock to me. Well I know she doesnt function like others. But still. I cant understand how she could intiate something to that degree and then being able to just drop me like nothing. The rumination is awful. I think about it all the time. Going from sad to angry and just in pain. I cannot believe how it started to how it eventuelly got. I felt so duped. Like it the universe is playing a cruel prank on me. You know just a week before. My ex met with my sister and talked about our future together. They met as they used to be friends as kids. Just awful. Also i wish I could say something to you that would ease what you feel. But just hang in there.
Totally can relate, She was literally everything I needed her to be in the first few months of being together, she initiated everything pursued me from the jump catered to me and couldn’t get enough of my time while also simultaneously triangulating me by having random mood swings that I couldn’t solve or would be told “nothing is wrong” til all of a sudden I’m the worst person on the planet… Now it’s barely any communication from her part and I’m to blame for things being how they are simply because I now choose to stand up for myself.
@@_NegusFreeman sorry to hear you are in that situation. Its to lead someone on like this just to rip your heart out as soon as you think you are about to believe you are a thing.
@@Crave88evarCRumination is not helpful. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be very helpful for Rumination and for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which can happen to a person who's been discarded). Praying for your complete and speedy recovery from the emotional abuse you have endured.
After being abandoned by my son 2years I thought he wanted me back only to to find out he needed 20thousand dollars I gave him the money thinking he would love me
You disappoint them when you figure them out. And when they know you know. When their lies and their manipulation isn't working any more.
They set expectations that they never communicate to you...
Yes! And they wouldn’t be able to put the expectations into words, even if they tried.
And they expect to read their minds what they need at the moment ...
Covert narcicists get angry like you have done something wrong by saying no or setting boundaries. Covert narcicists love to 'flip the script'. They copy people. No contact or grey rock are the only options. Standard. 💯
oh my god. THIS.
Yep which is it's my way or the highway.
That's why their self-esteem is so low; they expect perfection. That's why they can't admit mistakes. They're terrified that we're going to find out that they're not perfect. They project their fears onto those they devalue. We already know we're not perfect and we're willing to admit when we make mistakes.
Yes, Its true.
They are never greatful for anything.
Leave them alone or teach them to be humans
You can't make a miserable person satisfied ever. They are never happy because they refuse to look at their own flaws and own them, they deflect them onto others.
this is a great video. went through the entire cycle and man it can definitely leave you with some mental issues. they literally go from being amazing to treating you like trash. it’s like a switch. and the worst part is they just drop you like nothing. no matter what you do for them they’ll somehow turn you into the issue. and move right to the next person!
and another thing they are BUSY bodies, they will do anything they can to not have to be alone and self reflect. i noticed mine in particular basically lived with me and always had a bunch of clothes etc in her car. i could tell she never went home, even if she wasn’t with me lol
Narcicists are 'social climbers' such as Megan Markle. They drop everyone like 'hot potatoes' once they are no use to them any more. Devaluation and Disguard strategy. They move on to their new supply with no empathy, guilt, or remorse. They hate themselves so how could they possibly love or even like others? Self projection and reflection. Our job is to say no and walk away. Set boundaries. 'Grey rock' or no contact are the only options because covert narcicists can and will never change unfortunately.
Peace, love and light 🙏🏻🌟🕊
I was basically set up for the whole narcissistic cycle because at the time I was extremely naive and clueless in relation to these things and had very weak boundaries, divulged too much personal info, and was easily taken in by the excessive and fake validation of the idealization phase. This said the devalue phase was initiated at a moment which for me at the time appeared to be completely out of the blue, but in reality was timed to cause maximum emotional impact.
Yes i fell for the whole fantasy too. Was at the receiving end of a disgusting discard by the girl i thought loved me when she moved in with another guy on our cruise.
Its important to b able to care for and love yourself
I do understand what you’re talking about I’m going into 5mos separated from my husband and I’m thinking about it all day all night I feel consumed with it all in time and never give up on me. The pain is indescribable only someone that went through it
I know it feels like hell on earth. But it does end. No matter how long it lasts, that pain doesn’t last forever. Don’t give up. ❤️
Here is the main issue...as children we are not allowed to be ourselves. So we are tamed and pulled by outside people. We love without a sense of "i am...". This is why sense of self is always sought outisde.
YES, YES, YES AND YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
Oh it's 2 weeks since he discarded me and it is so painful, un blievable😭🤧🤧 Yes, discard is not the right word! They pour shit on you.They destroy your value as a human being to the last bit of grace you had in your life. Now that they are bored and leaving you are a walking figure of shame and disgrace for them🥺😰Narcissists are the most horrible experience in human romantic relations.💔
And thank you so much for this informing video.
You are not what he says you are, you are who God knows you are.💜💙💚💛🧡❤️
She is defending these horrible evil people. Like they are to be understood and pitied. They feel disappointed when they realize you are not perfect. Oh gee, the poor things.
Narcissist is always devalue their partner without reason, no matter what . So even we follow their devils plan things would be the same, the cycle will automatically goes on and on.
"they interpret reality through their emotions" 💯
11:36
What REALLY messed me up with one of the main Narcissists in my life was after he discarded me... he KEPT coming BACK! And it was always "Oh, I was wrong! I realize the error of my ways. That other girl I replaced you with meant nothing! You were my everything all along! I'm so sorry I hurt you....." And the damn cycle would start again... except I'd torture myself walking on extra thin eggshells so afraid he would go out of my life again. Inevitably, I'd mess up somehow (no matter how minor) and all of a sudden I'm just dirt to him and he's gone.
I'm sad it took me as long as it did to wise up- But I didn't have the knowledge I have now.
The last time he tried to get back into my life, the hardest part was not laughing out loud. I was armed with knowledge by then and SO done with his rodeo. I still kick myself a little for that sense of the dread of him going out of my life. Him leaving was ALWAYS the best thing that could ever happen!
That is what they do best come back after discarding you !!! So glad and proud of you for finally seeing the Light and not taking that abuse any longer 😢❤
After enduring a 7 year relationship with a narc it takes a toll on a person's psyche. I attempted suicide due to the feelings of never being able to meet her demands. I changed jobs, I moved homes, I endured far too many cycles. The discard was by far always the most difficult, leaving me questioning my worth. I only recently realized that it wasnt me, sure I played a part, but it wasnt I that did all those hurtful things. Quite the opposite. The more I attempted to show my love in all the various ways, the more she created distance and conflict. She never once tried to chase after me, and always acted like she did so much for me and the relationship, despite he discarding me multiple times, not once saying She was sorry for the hurt she caused. I was stupid for staying with the relationship as long as I did. I just wanted to believe that she was my "best friend". When I know thats not what true best friends do to each other. The childhood trauma runs deep, and I doubt it ever truly gets resolved. Especially if their parents are no longer living. Their trauma will never have the confrontation and closure it needs for them to heal.
Mam your teaching is more precious than even professionals
"You are doomed to disappoint a narcissist."
This video is pretty good, very accurate analysis of their behavior without dipping into the causes in childhood. Well done and well said...no overt blaming of the person with mental health problems either perfect 👏👌
This is the best common sense video about NPD.
The breaking point was my bday. He said he will organise everything then he didn't. Didn't even come with a present. Not even a flower, nothing.
Thats just awful behavoir. I know for a fact you deserve so much better.
Your explanation in all of ur vids r so spot on I have seen it all from this one person
So true…all of it!
I've watched quite a few videos on the topic, and this is one of the most concise and best explanations. I would lose the music, however.
I'm 3 months no contact and I'm struggling so bad...
I feel you. It’s really really tough. I promise it’s worth it and it will eventually get easier. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Don’t give up. It’s worth it.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror 2 years with the covert. completely enmeshed with her and her kids. Literally everything changed in less than 24 hours. Discarded me and two weeks later with someone else. Right before thanksgiving. I feel like the pain will never go away. I ignored red flags that I see now but it dosnt help.
I’m sorry. I know how bad it is, but the pain won’t last forever and, as hard as it is to believe, you’ll eventually be thankful that you’re no longer in that relationship. I promise.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror do you do any kind of coaching or just talking people through this stuff?
I don’t. I appreciate you asking. I feel like I am being more helpful by making these videos than I would be coaching. 😊
Narcissists are innately attracted to those who have some degree of co-dependency traits, ie, abandonment and/or engulfment. It’s the flip side of NPD relationships. So, while you’re within the reflecting stage of your recovery, look also at yourself and be open to the type of partners you’re also attracted to in order to protect from repeating your past negative experiences
Your videos are so relatable and on point. Thanks for sharing and helping others to heal.
HA! This EXACTLY defines the last 19 years of my miserable "marriage".
I need a frikken drink.
One of the better explanations I have heard about how they work
On point 💯👌
When there is nothing left to take from you they discard you. You make them sound like a pitiful person. They are not. They are evil. They will drink your last drop of blood and then throw you out.
amazing! your a genius at this! you could so easily be a therapist-thank you!
I’m being discarded at the moment. I’ve watched a lot of videos by different counsellors and they have all been very helpful but this is the video that I will keep coming back to when I feel myself wavering. It is the best explanation of devaluation and being discarded. I’m a big guy and I did a tough job so it’s a shock to realise that I have been the victim of abuse. I feel demeaned and there are going to be dark days ahead but I will replay this video over and over again. Thank you .
Hang in there True Blue I am in about week 7 of discard. As an older guy that has been around, I can relate to your feeling of betrayal and confusion.
They KNOW THEY ARE WRONG, they tell you you are at fault as an excuse
Thanks you for making this video.
Thank you for your discussion on this!! I am going through this phase with a few relationships and searching for reminders like this bc I’m just so confused 😢
Yup i had to move on even though i promised the daughter to make sure she completed her education by the she is academically inclined ,sadly she started behaving just like the mother(lies) i just had to move on it was like running a race but is determined to finish Its a black hole trust me
It’s all perspective. The narcissist wasted my time. Discarded me after 27 yrs of marriage and 5.5 yrs together prior. He meets all the criteria, all the red flags were there, and a therapist I saw at 12 yrs of marriage never suggested an article, a book or a video despite my giving her every example. Truth be told, I said a lot of what I now know after researching narcissism (which I initially rejected as an overused term) to my husband not knowing I was listing Narcissistic characteristics. I just thought he had a huge (but fragile) ego, was incredibly arrogant (which also appears as confidence), was a leader (controlling) Etc.
I can relate to that. I remember thinking about one person I knew “Wow. He’s so insensitive to other people’s feelings”, but never dreaming of labeling that as “narcissistic” when it clearly was.
The only really way to counteract abuse is to go no contact! She already blocked me on everything but is enjoying my discomfort at social events where i get inviting stares followed by silent treatments and flirtatious triangulation with unwitting men. On an attractive 36 year old woman it is too difficult for the mind to comprehend that I’m dealing with someone with literally the emotional maturity and empathy of a 2 year old. If the intellect and body of that person was that age i could differentiate and reconcile it in my mind but it is too confusing and I’m just providing her with negative supply which seems to be much more how it is as the relationship has progressed even though i was discarded 5 months ago. Still highly controlling as if I’m her property eaves dropping every conversation with a woman i talk to. It becomes more about punishment with her than reconciliation as knowing her has continued. I’m guessing this is common if anyone can confirm.
Reactive abuse
Narcissist relationships are not healthy
Harsh truths in this vid.
N every time she went n do something worst
Im a very special and great person (i am)
I think you are really beautiful and I like your hair so much =]
I met this girl in January. We hit it of really well and fast. She seemed so into me. She initiated a relationship with me on fb etc. She told me stuff like she saw no faults in me etc. Was sweet and loving. Lots of hugging, kissing holding hands. Great sex.
Then over a week she turned cold. So i asked her what was wrong. She said everything under the sun. I dont see how its going to work out blabla. I was chocked to say the least. Like what happened? Weeks go by and I am shattered. And all the while I think she is kinda down aswell. But no. She was posting a new fb profile picture. Updating on her dogs etc. Its like she acted like she dropped an ice cream cone on the ground. While i was in despair I wish on no one. How can you go into a relationship with someone like she did and then discard that person like nothing just a couple of 2 months later? Two weeks prior to her dropping me she held me in the store as we were grocery shopping. "I like you more and more" all smiling and loving 😢 how can you do that to people. Well now I know.
You could be telling my story! I met my ex in January, and she also seemed super into me, calling me her partner very early on, talking about moving in together, so many words of affirmation (e.g. "You can't believe how much I like you," which reminds me of your ex's "I like you more and more"). I saw warning signs of her turning cold and callous and telling me she was emotionally unavailable, but then she would come around and love bomb me again, and at that point, I was already so attached and addicted to her. We broke up but remained very toxic friends who acted like partners until one day, out of the blue, she discarded me. Just like that. We went from seeing each other every day, talking throughout the day, calling each other honey and love to her just disappearing, gaslighting me, calling me "dude," and not caring when I went to the ER with a panic attack caused by the emotional stress. You described it so well: "She acted like she dropped an ice cream cone on the ground while I was in despair." ABSOLUTELY. It has been incredibly painful, to say the least, and I am so sorry for what you're going through too.
@@sabrinastrand5345 Hey, thank you so much for telling me your story. Yes it was and is still a chock to me. Well I know she doesnt function like others. But still. I cant understand how she could intiate something to that degree and then being able to just drop me like nothing.
The rumination is awful. I think about it all the time. Going from sad to angry and just in pain.
I cannot believe how it started to how it eventuelly got. I felt so duped. Like it the universe is playing a cruel prank on me.
You know just a week before. My ex met with my sister and talked about our future together. They met as they used to be friends as kids. Just awful.
Also i wish I could say something to you that would ease what you feel. But just hang in there.
Totally can relate, She was literally everything I needed her to be in the first few months of being together, she initiated everything pursued me from the jump catered to me and couldn’t get enough of my time while also simultaneously triangulating me by having random mood swings that I couldn’t solve or would be told “nothing is wrong” til all of a sudden I’m the worst person on the planet… Now it’s barely any communication from her part and I’m to blame for things being how they are simply because I now choose to stand up for myself.
@@_NegusFreeman sorry to hear you are in that situation. Its to lead someone on like this just to rip your heart out as soon as you think you are about to believe you are a thing.
@@Crave88evarCRumination is not helpful. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be very helpful for Rumination and for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which can happen to a person who's been discarded). Praying for your complete and speedy recovery from the emotional abuse you have endured.
After being abandoned by my son 2years I thought he wanted me back only to to find out he needed 20thousand dollars I gave him the money thinking he would love me
the music is too annoying could you please remove it. you message is good but the music is a distraction and annoying