avoidant's ideal of relationship: never discuss feelings and expectations, running away from any problem, being ok with them being distant... (this is not a relationship)
so I'm not a "too much to ask" kind of woman if i say that is not a relationship?? Where can i found a Man that realize and acknowledged about what's the value of a true healthy relationship..?
My ex thought that one should not have expectations of their partner. Yet when our physical intimacy started to suffer due to lack of emotional connection & unresolved conflict, he started complaining. So he did have expectations about our sex life but didn't want to put in the effort to fuel it.
They need therapy. We secure, are not their personal emotional butlers. My DA ex refused to go to therapy and kept gaslighting me, saying passive aggressive comments, silent treatment, stonewalling and refused to communicate. It was painful being around that type of dismissive, critical energy while I needed him to be supportive and kind in a very difficult phase in my life. He broke up with me in a very selfish and cruel way accusing me of « false » things he made up in his head to move away guilt free and have no accountability. All I wanted was for him to sit and have a conversation !!! DA’s are immature and childish emotionally. They never evolved from that hurt, traumatized, neglected kid they were in their childhood. They expect perfection from you and give nothing in return, not even compassion, or understanding. He took all my positive energy from me, and checked out when it was his turn to be there for me!
Literally same thing happened to me. He didn't communicate his needs, if he did, he would have seen i actually agreed with him. He made up stories in his mind, then completely shut me down when i tried to have a healthy conversation with him. Its very painful.
Totally can relate to this. It's so unfair and disheartening. They take everything away emotionally and physically and push you away. And then say " I don't need help (therapy) I am fine the way I am!" "I'm not changing!"
Avoidants won't change because they are with a secure person. They will change/improve their intimacy and connection after therapy. Don't damage yourself thinking your love and understanding will help them.
Truth. And I heard avoidants see their traits as a "strength" so they don't change. For them, being an avoidant is convenient since they're not the ones who are exhausted, lonely and confused (the ones that are at the receiving end).
@@highhigh_ yes, my ex, very avoidant, partner and I did therapy and he couldn't get his mind to switch to see vulnerability as a strength. He only saw it as weakness and saw it as "being a little bitch" if he were to be vulnerable on the daily. He said he knew that was crazy, but he literally can't make his brain change. He was such a self soother too. Everything about him was about disconnect and retreating into his inner world. It's really sad cause he was a wonderful human with a great heart. I'm just not able to deal with that in an "intimate" relationship for forever.
@@stevecooper7883 I think some avoidants have narc tendencies. In other words, they are quite comfortable with the world revolving around them and their needs and they don't see, or they see and don't care about, the needs of others.
It wasnt a hell for me man.. she is so beautiful and everything I´ve ever dreamed of.. She is literally the girl I´ve dreamed of for years and it had to end up like this. Many people tell me to move on, but how can I? She completed me, there was nothing I disliked on her. And yet here I am. I just hope my sweet little racoon will realize that the breakup was a bad thing and returns to me..
I am exhausted thinking about what feels like abandoning my own wants and needs to make a person that fears intimacy but wants it too…feel comfortable. I think the best solution is to have boundaries, if they can’t meet you half way, unfortunately, that’s not a healthy relationship. Heartbreaking but true.
@MagoosBoob Also, a decision to stay in a relationship with someone that can’t meet your wants and needs is an even a bigger issue. The lesson is to walk away to love and honor yourself.
@MagoosBoob I sorry that you whet through 7 years. I suppose it could have been more and so that is something to recognize. well - be kind to yourself. Grace. I think we have all experienced that one person. Now, we know better. They taught us what we want, and what don’t want. What we need to work on. A feeling of love isn’t enough. Love is action. I don’t have time to “fix” a person. They have to want to fix themselves after realizing their own “pathology” and then just being so fed up with the same result that they prioritize a healing/learning/growing journey. You have to have relationship skills to be in a healthy relationship. How I feel about someone had zero to do with if they are equipped to be in a relationship.
I just realised that I spent 5 years with an avoidant. All this time, he kept blaming the difficulties of the relationship on me alone. He kept finding all the possible excuses not to build anything solid with me. I worked on all of them, one by one, and removed one by one the obstacles to us being happy. I bought into his manipulation that he really wanted to be with me but I was the one who had issues and so he couldn’t fully commit. He abandoned me in each and every difficult moment in my life. Today I discover he was actually an avoidant and all those issues had nothing to do with me. He needed them not to get too close. How do you heal from this? I feel traumatized.
Disregard our feeling to them, keeping our inner peace and sanity is really important - leave them. It’s the most painful relationship experience ever.
Imagine being married to one. This is my life. She takes off and does whatever she wants. Best I get is a peck and a hug, and then it's no contact the whole day. Maybe once she'll text "how r u?" and that's all it is. Then I get home and it's chores, then dinner, then TV, and then I go to bed next to a woman who I cannot touch. She was cheated on by ALL 3 of her exes before she met me. And she grew up in a very masculine household where any display of emotion was looked down on. She's also capable of violence when she's angry. So any emotional topic at all (good or bad) gets avoided. I'm so tired of our relationship and intimacy level being dominated by her insecurities. I'm so tired of not being able to be myself with a woman I married and devoted my life to.
@@smokingcrab2290pls do yourself a favor and get out of this mess. This sounds more like a situationship to me than a marriage. And what’s the point of staying when your partner feels like a housemate you share a bed with at most.
Yep. Your own sanity and mental health is not worth sacrificing to someone who doesn’t give AF about you and will likely replace you at the end of the day
Bit of hypocrisy in that statement. l see it very frequently in the comment sections of videos regarding this topic. Not saying you're wrong tho, but l'm not going to judge all "avoidant" people based on a generalisation like this and turn into one myself. My current bf is definitely avoidant and l do have my limits and boundries. Soon l'll be asking him what he wants out of this in the long term and if he wants me he's going to have to actually be in it. l might lose him but that'll also mean he'll lose me.
Let me sum this up from where I stand… if your not going to adult, which means it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to deal with your trauma and attachment issue so that you don’t do irreparable damage to someone who is just trying to come in and love you, F *** that! I feel people are using their attachment styles as a way to avoid accountability. If your not gonna meet someone at the table then don’t sit down at the table to being with. Go to therapy , do what you need to do, and then sit down with the understanding you will be held accountable, need to reciprocate and act like an adult. Plain and simple. I’m sorry, I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s attachment style. We all have s***. Your an adult now. Get the help, be insightful and take responsibility and do your partner correctly as a PARTNER should!
Bingo! You cannot set yourself on fire to keep them warm. As much as I loved him, my mental health and self-worth come first. We ALL have deep wounds/fears and attachment styles - but I am not a coward and I have the courage to handle my s**t.
I am married to an avoidant partner. After 6 years of a push-pull relationship, with him neglecting my needs but expecting I fulfill his, I left him. It was only after he found himself alone, with no real support system, that he repented and came back for me and the kids. He is slowly learning to open up and to accept that a simple request or reminder from me does not make me needy nor suffocating. I get it though--my husband's mother is needy and his ex's were needy. He has projected them onto me. He is slowly doing the work to recognize his traumas and triggers.
Glad to hear you shifted something for yourself and your children and happy to hear he is doing the work on himself! I’m hoping things continue to get better and better for you all. ❤
I feel your pain. My wife is the avoidant one. And her mommy and daddy are rich. So our last fight we had she took my son and fled to her parents. She will never come to her senses because she will never understand what it's like to not have mommy and daddy to be there to rescue her. And she knows what she's doing to me, and as a result she told me "if you're really that unhappy, then maybe you should just leave".
My wife stayed in abusive relationships with 3 men for 4 years each and all of them cheated on her. So now that she has a good man in her life, she cannot bond with him because she's too busy avoiding her issues. So I get stuck alone living with a woman who I cannot touch or talk to.
Being in a relationship with a FA is like being with someone but feeling completely alone. You have moments of intimacy and closeness but they are quickly followed with equal amounts of distance and neglect that would make even the most secure person feel uncertain triggering any underlying feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, or guilt. It's a personal hell for both parties. One, desperately in need of affection and love but terrified of closeness. For the other also in need of closeness, reassurance, and certainty. Both wanting closeness, both wanting love, and ultimately both being afraid the other will walk away but ironically trigger each other. It's the greatest and most heartbreaking love story of all time. Like a brick wall in between two people who desperately want to love each other. We must remember that control is an illusion and if these two are truly meant to be together they will each individually do the work to heal and become a secure partner for the other.
@emilytee67 WOW! Having been in this kind of relationship for about 50 years until "death did us part" I often had the feeling I was living in Dante's Inferno. While I never really questioned that my husband and I truly loved each other (Who else would you find yourself in such a situation with?), I found it more than puzzling. What the hell was going on here????!!!!!! As we grew older, together and not together, I did what I needed to do to save myself. #1. I told him that since we were old, I was not going to leave him - out of basic human decentcy. (Apparently that was a reassurance he needed, as a small smile peeped out on his lips. You have to remember old people without a "protector" are in potential danger of being institutionalized; that was true for both of us.) #2. I set about doing the things I loved to do, things I had partially curtailed because of his reaction to them. ( OH GLORY! MY LIFE RESTORED & RENEWED!) #3. I told him it was time for him to "update his files". In my life I had seen people never come to terms with traumas that had happened to them when they were young, no matter how old they got. "Update your files" meant "look at your life now to see if the same conditions exist now as had existed when you were young." ( This recognizes that adaptations which were appropriate at a younger stage of life might not be appropriate now.) To my surprise, he actually did this. It was as if he had been waiting for me to figure out how to get US out of the mess we were in. He went off by himself for hours and hours and emerged each day with insights for several months. I just accepted them matter-of-factly. It was important that he was coming to recognize that he lived in a different world than he had lived in when he was young. #4. I told him his vascillating between loving and contemptuous hurt me deeply, and I could no longer cooperate with and bear this abuse. I couldn't take it anymore. (My love for him depended upon his consistent acceptance of my love for him.) In the way of these things, he was pained that he had hurt me so, and he understood and was deeply sorry for it. His empathy with my pain showed his love for me. We lived the last year of his life in a kind of scary new world of relationship. I say scary because I could see he had totally opened himself and trusted me, and he was much more sensitive than I had any hint of in 50 years of marriage. He treated me as if I were lovely. But, I am not without flaws - a fact I know so well - and it takes me a while to adapt to new situations. This was a new situation. But I had to have faith he would be as understanding as I was trying to be. And so, the last few months of his life, we were kind and loving to each other. It was beautiful. I only wish I had had more time with him, and maybe I could have actually been able to become lovely.
Coming back to this 3 weeks later. I've recognised this type of relationship is toxic and one partner has narcissistic tendencies. You don't have to put up with this push-pull bullshit. Its a form of manipulation that can really fuck with your head. I got rid of the girl doing this to me and have been speaking to a therapist. It's either a hell yeah or a hell no. This is trauma bonding. They don't feel empathy in the same way you do.
Dangerous advise to advise that a secure person will help the avoida become secure. In most cases, the avoidant will do such harm to the secure person that the secure person becomes insecure from the neglect, gaslighting, and ghosting , and disconnection. This is Dangerous. Avoidants can make secure people question their reality to the point of depression or suicide.
Exactly what I heard over and over again… that the avoidant rather makes the secure anxious. Or that a secure person wouldn’t even choose that type of relationship.
Wow, so they expect you to tiptoe around their fragile ego, and even when you do this, and they're uncomfortable you're the villain and they run! So basically, shut up, ignore any issues while you shrink yourself to fit their needs until you're all used up and they decided you're a monster for speaking up and discard you! 🤔🤯🙄 RUN! Absolutely RUN! No one absolutely no one should go through this type of abuse.
Love should be understood from both sides. You sound unsensitive and eager to just give gifts and get on with the act . Guess avoidants need to be paired with other fragiles. Cuz avoidants wont judge , be honest and trustworthy.
@@Ssssssmmmmmmmmm a narcisst wont run , they want to be needed and adored. An avoident is independent. One is motivated by selfishness ,envy and greed. The other by self preservation and defence.
As an anxious attachment person who was married to an avoidant for nearly 2 decades.. it wasn't that I needed constant reassurance or constant affirmation.. it was that I needed SOMETHING... anything other than ZERO affection.. affection was offensive to her.. I will do my best to never get into a relationship with an avoidant ever again.. and work on becoming more secure myself in the mean time.. after years of being the one doing all the heavy lifting.. I finally got worn down.. I couldn't carry the relationship by myself any longer.. when I pulled back.. we were done
I'm sorry you had to go through this for two decades, truly I am. Sending much love your way. I am of the same opinion as you, especially in the first sentence there, its not that we need constant reassurance or affimation, but at the very least, the BASICS that you would assume two people would do and say for each other while being in a relationship would be enough. Just a little bit of emotional reassurance if you are feeling down. Someone to hear you out. Someone to actually give you some 1 on 1 time. Its like asking for the world if you are talking to the DAs that I have met at least.
I have been with my avoidant partner for 14 years now. No break ups. No serious fall outs. I used to be a very anxiously attached person but getting together with him actually really changed that. We really connected on a level I have never connected with anyone. The little bit of anxiousness that I would let show through at the beginning I could see was very intolerable for him. I also started to recognize that when he was emotionally triggered or even just in a off mood, that I needed to give him his space to “self soothe” so to speak. So I would just keep to myself but most importantly I would maintain my mood despite what his was. The worst thing you can do is show an avoidant that their mood is triggering you to be in a bad mood and bringing you down. That gives them too much responsibility for how you feel and can be an emotional trigger within itself. I am very careful about accusing him or criticizing him. I focus on his positive aspects and use that as a source of bringing more of those out. Positive reinforcement. I always frame things from my point of view in terms of how I’m feeling and I do not push for him to talk or open up EVER. The more I let my independence shine through and give him his, the more he comes around and opens up when HE is ready. That is the key. And he does, almost every time. When I start to recognize that my affection towards him becomes too much and he pulls back a little bit, I give him space and just focus on my own thing. I do not rely on him for how I feel or for reassurance. I fill my own cup. Avoidants tend to really respect this about their partner bc they can barely manage their own emotions, let alone be responsible for managing yours. We are going strong after 14 years without any serious problems and still have a passionate and intimate connection. This can work. Since I have met him, I have transformed from being anxiously attached to securely attached or unattached however you want to word it. Learning how to make it work with him has actually really helped me to pull out of the anxiously attached style. I know this sounds like a lot of work and people call me crazy when I tell them that their partner is not responsible for how they feel. But I hold strong opinion that in order to be securely attached you have to understand that no one else is responsible for your moods or how you feel. Only you can control you and no one else. We have worked so well together because of my ability to read him and know when to stay in my lane and give him the time and space he needs without worrying about what’s wrong or if it’s me. You also really need to understand when they do withdraw and get emotional it almost mostly never is personally against you. If you can drop that whole idea that it’s about you and personal, you can allow them the time they need to open up and feel safe
This gives me great hope! My guy was finally opening up to me and I admit, I was "pushy" into he beginning and finally understood his pov. He's a sweet guy and I was starting to fall in love but he broke up with me on Monday. I told him that I admit things I need caused him to withdraw and I now know I shouldn't have "needed" him to soothe me. I asked him if he would reconsider a reconcile and he said he thinks it's best we move on (plus he's going through personal things atm) . I don't want us to end it I have seem great improvement on both of our sides (miscommunication issues)... from you're experience,do you think he'll come back to me? I really did start to love him (we dated 6 months but he has withdrawn about 4 times now)
Another question: I'm giving him the break up (since he asked tk break up) and I want to know if this will make him reconsider getting back as well ( since I'm giving him his space)
@@Nigerian_geh this is really hard to say. I would love to say that it will work but it just depends on him and how far into his avoidance he really is. I think you are doing the best thing you can do and no contact is going to be your best chance. That means, no contact at all. No comments on social media, no random “how are you doing” or “I’m thinking about you texts”. Nothing. Complete silence. Give it time. To you a few days or a week can feel like forever but to them, it could take a whole month before they realize that you distanced yourself. I’m not suggesting you wait it out for him and put your life on hold, you need to keep moving forward and just do your thing. You don’t have to date or seek out another relationship right away or anything. In fact, if your feeling in love with this guy, I wouldn’t suggest doing that until you feel like you have really come to terms with your break up. It’s like the old saying “if you love someone, let them go, if they come back, they are yours”. That doesn’t always hold true but Avoidants really do not take words to heart. You can tell him you have realized that you were too pushy or needy of him and you will back off, that isn’t going to do it for him. He needs to see this. So if he does come back, it’s important to remember this and to have your own life and independence separate from him. I know a lot of people do not like this idea and disagree with it but it worked so well for me and eventually the dynamic changed once my partner truly opened himself to me but I let him initiate everything. I was always indifferent to when we hung out, when we have sex, when we said “love you”. I would let him initiate the open conversations and most important when I knew he needed space, I would give that to him until HE was ready to talk. This can be very difficult but if you really accept and embrace that you are your own person and responsible for your own feelings and do not need to rely on him to feel “good” it’s easier. I hope it does work out for you but I do not have a lot of experience with this aspect of it because we never went through the breaking up process. Keep me updated please!! 😊
She’d go days without returning my text and didn’t understand why I was upset. Nobody is that busy that they can’t text a couple of words like ‘Hi , I’m doing fine. We were in a relationship but I never felt like she was there. How can anyone go days without communicating with someone they so called care about? I put so much into it. I just felt as though she just didn’t have it in her to match my energy. I really feel sad for her because she’s really a nice person but she’s emotionally damaged.
It may sound petty but I broke up with my DA over an unanswered text. Not because of one unanswered text and not because I'm so needy that I needed him to reply immediately. I broke up because of the continued pattern of neglect and dismissive disregard for me was finally too much. After 5 days of no communication, I took time (I'm busy too, right?) to reach out to say I cared and was thinking of him but it meant nothing apparently. He left my text unanswered for 6 hours and then of course by midnight I knew he had gone to bed - having chosen to ignore me. (I could see he was online through the night). The way that made me feel was so bad, and I had felt that way so many times, that I just said to myself: " No more! I never want to feel this way again and this behavior is the reason why I feel this way." I unplugged.
I can relate 100%. My avoidant man was okay not texting/calling for 5 days plus. I told him how much him not replying to my texts bothers me and he would adjust only to go back a while later. I felt he didn’t care about me. When I needed support he kinda ran away. I eventually left because I knew no matter how much I liked him he couldn’t give me what I needed. It’s heartbreaking .. but better now than being married and with kids.
Fearful-Avoidant here 👋🏻 I’d like to say to all the people that are saying avoid this type of person, it’s not bad advice. I get it and I almost recommend it. We are very complicated and it takes a special type of patience to deal with us. I just learned this week that this is my attachment style, and to hear so much about an experience and it be so accurate to mine feels incredibly validating and a total epiphany for me. It’s actually very humbling bc I’m no longer offended by some of the negative things said about me in regards to how I’ve handled past and present relationship endeavors, or any of these comments for that matter. It no longer feels personal bc I no longer feel completely powerless to my experience. It actually gives me hope because I see that I’m not crazy, just a bit broken, and I can make sense of the chaos and confusion. I’m currently in a relationship that has triggered my attachment style out the wazoo. I broke up with him twice. He still wants to be with me. After finding out this is my attachment style I have told my partner that this will be difficult for him, and if at any point it becomes too much or it’s not what he wants he can leave and I will understand and I will not hold it against him. And I want to say that to all of you, that your frustration towards people like me is so understandable and I’m sorry for all the hurt you’ve been through. And you don’t have to put yourself through that if you don’t want to. But here I am, someone that deeply struggles but wants to heal. I still question whether I actually like my partner or want to be with them but there’s a very small voice telling me to stay and worth through this. And if it is “all in my head”, healing will be worth it. If not for this person, but the next. And for all relationships in my life, not just romantic.
Thank you for sharing this. As an anxious person, hearing this from a FA is very validating as we sometimes feel crazy after an encounter with a FA or DA. I hope you continue to heal and hope the best for yourself and your partner.
I applaud you for being one of the avoidants who is taking accountability. Most avoidants just come on these videos to get defensive to all the hurt they caused other people. Its refreshing to see you own up it.
@@AvoidantcoperAvoidants probably get defensive because 99% of the comments on videos like these demonize them. It's quite disappointing. Did these commenters come to watch a video, learn, and empathize? Or just to complain and vent?
Well done this was courageous comment here. And I wish you all the best in healing your trauma and reshaping your attachment style. Keep going with it and each time you fail also recognise how far you've come and the positives and tweak it a bit more, with commitment self love forgiveness and consistancy you CAN do it! Life will improve 💫💫🌟
A relationship with an avoidant will ruin your life. When you know about attachment styles, you will not enter this relationship or you will leave early. For me it is 3 years later and I am still struggling. I provide all the support but never get any back. It becomes so difficult to leave when you understand their attachment style but become so unhappy and sick from receiving nothing back and feeling gagged because you cannot even voice how you feel anymore as they pull back more when you do. I tried to introduce my avoidant to attachment theory and he felt accused and pulled back even more. It is now 2 weeks of me trying to end this relationship. I feel so bad like I am abandoning him. But knowing deep down that nothing will change and that things will always go back to this will me strong. I love you E but I just cannot do this anymore.
At first he was really loving so I had no idea he's an avoidant. I can't understand if the emotional and verbal abuse (blaming, not accepting responsibility, telling me this reason is not important enough to argue about, gaslight, calling names etc) was his true self or him being in pressure. I tried so hard to make it work and I wanted to leave after he called me names and disappeared for days but he seemed to understand his mistake and I wanted to give it a last chance. He ended up leaving me 3 weeks later on my birthday
In mid-October, seemingly because of an unanswered text, I walked away from my avoidant. I just couldn't take it anymore. It really wasn't about the single text but about the pattern that was exemplified by that last straw of an unanswered text. I had poured my whole heart into him and invited him to be a part of my life in a much more integrated and holistic way, but he maintained an arms-length distance throughout. He drew close when he needed me, but after he got what he needed he would disappear. My attention was an oasis that he could draw from, but I got very little in return. The anxiety that this produced, the sense of walking on eggshells and not knowing where I stood, after nearly two years finally drove me to unplug. So I'm the one who disconnected from him, as a form of self-care and self-rescue. But knowing how much this had to have hurt him, I'm devastated. I could never intentionally hurt him but I know this hurt him tremendously. He has blocked me and is not talking to me. The inability to communicate and reassure him that I do love him is extremely difficult. I know he's using this as a justification for his distrust of deeper connection.
Do you find that avoidants will often nurture other relationships, such as friendships, like as distractions, instead of going deep with the romantic relationship because it’s easy to keep things surface and light and they have more control?
Yes, this was my ex, she described those relationships as “easier” granted, she told me she never really opened up with her friends like she did with me.
I don’t think so. I think they keep their friendships, family relationships just as much at a distance if not more. At least my partner does, the closer him and I became and he became more comfortable and open with me, the more he pushed away other relationships. He used to make a point to talk to his mom and sisters all the time and include them in a lot more than he does now. As he opened up, he explained to me the resentments he feels towards his parents and how he would have these emotional break down as a kid and no one ever helped him to manage or soothe himself. He didn’t understand what was going on with him and he learned really fast that he was left to his own devices emotionally. When he was finally showing the unconditional kind of love with me that he said he said he had never been shown, it actually built more resentments toward his family. He’s working on it though.
Think there are more avoidants now adays. The one thing avoidants,anxious, need to aim for secure and self aware. Lots of blaming blaming on avoidants, I understand why.. but its often people need to say ok.. leave or work with them and be secure
I just got love bombed by an avoidant imo. Examples were making big plans for future, talking about serious things right away, talking non-stop at first from morning to night ,talking about how it's fate we met, all this crap in common etc. Then after a month or two it's just me reaching out. Then I want to much from em and it's a problem, oh I'm needy?.....Pfff ok.. Bye , hope you get what you're looking for ✌️lol My advice is avoid the avoidant especially if you're anxious ,there's nothing worse in a relationship than feeling alone in someone's presence. Avoidant behavior won't change unless they want to, you WON'T be able to help them... Help yourself and gtfo
@Flagirl1985 ya online without even meeting is creepy to get love bombed fr. You were probably smart to run. For me at the time I felt like this person just wanted to know if we were compatible and I actually really liked them so I brushed it off and kinda got into it. HUGE MISTAKE. I'll never truly trust what people say especially in beginning, it's all about what they do
@Flagirl1985 nope...I've met plenty. What you described were behaviors more of an Anxious more than and Avoidant, IMO. That's really just terminology and semantica though. The take home message either way, avoid toxic people.
@Flagirl1985 what you described was overattentiveness. You bailed based on some anticipated future sharing problems. If anything, it seems like he was way too eager, which contradics Avoidants' behavior. Since it only took you three days, that seems extremely quick to conclude he would be incapable of sharing their emotions. Three days is REALLY fast!
I experienced SO much of this while I was dating an Avoidant. Including how they loved when I was there to support them when they went through difficult times, but they could not or would not reciprocate and support me when I went through similar difficult times. They couldn't even acknowledge this. It was awful.
Just my personal opinion, all DA's are some type of cowardly hybrid narcs that will always run in the opposite direction they perceive the conflict coming from, therefore there will never be any healthy resolution to any conflict. Run....don't walk.
Why would anyone want to prolong a relationship with a person with an avoidant attachment style? It’s an emotionally abusive relationship. Cut your losses.
Because you love them and once you are able to see the pattern you're already invested in them and so you are patient and try to reason with them. They might say they'll change which will prolong things even more and there's also the victim blaming, the gaslighting, verbal abuse and the king of all, stonewalling Which will trigger an anxious person
Love. I left but my heart is shattered and knowing I hurt him as well by leaving only makes it worst. I “proved” his distrust in humans by also leaving. The guilt is killing me but I’m trying my best to move on with life.
Yep just leave and do it quickly. They need to be alone anyway although they will likely just move on to the next and never really be alone and properly heal
There's some giant holes in the understanding the DA style in this video. Its not a victim mentality of "why does this always happen to me?", It's more frustration and confusion like "why is this so difficult for me but so easy for everyone around me?". Its not "why can't I find anyone to love me?" PLENTY of people love avoidants, and its very obvious and we all see it plainly. Its more like "why can't i find the right person for me?" And not realizing there is no one fully compatible person and that you have to communicate and compromise...which has 2 barriers: 1. Knowing that you have to communicate and compromise 2. Knowing HOW to communicate and compromise
Bro this is so spot on. I have Fearful Avoidant attachment but didn’t know it for years until I was faced with a really decent person who I’m also compatible with and I realized I didn’t have a “valid” reason to escape the relationship
Avoidants don't actually want to communicate or compromise lest they lose their "independence". If they were willing to communicate and compromise at the sacrifice of their independence for a relationship, they would no longer be avoidant, and therefore would find a compatible person. Which means avoidants don't find a compatible partner, they let go of their avoidant self and become a healthy secure person. Healthy secure persons find a compatible partner, not avoidants.
This concept doesn’t work. I’m securely attached my avoidant made me more anxious overtime because they’re stubborn incapable of compromising and don’t validate
I'm dealing with an avoidend now. Hard. Constantly up and down. Barely communicative. I am drained emotionally, mentally, emotionally even spiritually.
See I have experience with an avoidant for 4 years..... Just leave it We deserve better people I tried to even help them fix their issue ....but we are not psychiatrists ok. All my love always went waste....ik they too love me but in their way...which is not the good way..atleast for us @Eu Mesma
Me too, have recently gotten engaged. Still have lack of communication, not responding to txts. Even said we won't live together when we get married. It's long distance as well. Mentally draining
@@beaker7353you won't live together with them when you get married? That's weird, are they overseas?? Sounds like a scam. Why are you "marrying" this person? Doesn't sound like a marriage.
Even for the secure their constant need for space and distance can be hurtful. A secure response is to allow them that space in a non resentful way, tell them about your boundaries in the way that is logical and warm without accusation. They feel very theartened by emotional pressure and in consistency. You have to have cast iron confidence, trust in them and patience to make it work. It is a tough act for anyone
Understanding who they are vs knowing what you need are two different things. I truly feel bad for them because my FA ex clearly had tried very hard to change himself (without professional help) and craved for love. But even the most secure people also need healthy communication and reassurance from time to time. It feels like a one-side road, we keep giving and they keep taking. And when we crashed and need support, they pull away.
If your with an avoidant… RUN 🏃♂️ It’s never healthy. It’s bad advice if he pull away you pull away. It’s always having a relationship on their terms. So, when things get tough, they run. Advice is give them space, WTH. Nope. They will never can truly be in a healthy, loving, committed relationship.
@@yswen828 Avoidants can love casually. But not committed. Committment is an avoidant's NUMBER 1 NIGHTMARE! So why would an avoidant ever want that? I know that in reality these people 100% lack self awareness and because of that they seek what they fear... Yet keep repeating these cycles... And WONDERING WHY IT ALWAYS HAPPENS! ''Why I never find the right one?'' It's an ultimate victim mindset. 0 responsibility, 0 self awareness. That's why it never works.... Not even with secure people.
These coaches keep them in the victim coochiecoochie mode. They will never learn if nobody acts like a human with feelings around them so they wont get hurt. It is like being with a todler that never grows up.
Truuue. Avoidants often complain that their partners won't even give the space that they need but won't tell their partner that they have this "need". They just disappear out of nowhere, getting their "space fix" and expect their partner to read between the lines without realizing their partner has a need for intimacy too. 😢
I just had a breakup with an avoidant. We were really on and off and they kept coming and leaving. Glad that I found this video. Also in some of the university classes I’m taking are also teaching about attachment styles. This definitely fits how my ex was. I honestly hope they heal their wounds and not hurt others just because of their childhood trauma.
A healthy relationship should be one of give and take, reciprocrating, not one person doing the communicating, chasing, work e.t.c if they can' t do that I pull my energy back and out then leave, there' s only so much you can deal with and I can' t and won' t deal with someone like that. A person like that is more like a project, I think they really need therapy to work on their issues not a relationship.
If you want to be with such a person, you're basically sick and actually need healing first. Not a relationship. These people too are sick and stuck in serious emotional infancy. When I got that I got free. I cut my avoidant loose for good but we work together and he is now hoovering around me permanently. Well finally I'm done and he has to deal with his own shit now. He had a great opportunity because I'm a decent person but he's lost it. His regret is tangible but unfortunately for him I won't budge .
After almost 20 yrs, I think I’m becoming an avoidant. I was the opposite…but having to survive this loveless life, I have to adjust. Don’t rush it. Don’t settle. If you place urself, where you just don’t fit, you could become stuck. 🕊️
They will never commit, they are wired in a way we never fully understand. They are damaged, and will damage you too. Stay away from them before you get kids or a mortgage with them. Mark my words, you'll end up drained from your energy if you keep on hoping and trying with them.
In other words, dont have any needs, dont express any concerns, dont call out their bad behavior and a good dose of losing sence of self is what all of these hybrid narcs are looking for...no thanks. Run....dont walk.
Spot on🥲. He told me I love to argue and create problems and he's tired of trying to solve problems I made and that I should argue only about important things. In the meanwhile I'd say an issue and he would get angry, change the topic, stonewall etc so instead of it being solved in an hour at most, it would take days
True, with my ex , who used to keep avoiding discussion about issues, our problems continued to go for weeks , and later on to find out that it got solved withing just 30 minutes of clearly discussing things face to face . And later on she used to use it for her own benifit , and complain that i was the one who was making issues big and i was messing things up.
This video is spot on, I've just broken up with a DA and it was exactly like this, in the end it was the total lack of reciprocal emotion that killed it for me and I had to end it as it was making me ill, I was putting 100% in and getting 0% back. It too 3 months to reach its peak then 2 months to reach hell.
It doesn't matter what an avoidant wants if you just don't date avoidants. :) I really think, rather than investing time in how to make insecure relationships work, the winning strategy is just to heal one's own attachment system and then exclusively date other secure people. I don't see what the upside is of wasting the amount of effort required to make anything even halfway functional with a DA. You're never gonna get any real reciprocation from them. Fortunately for them, they're every bit as capable of healing to security if they're willing to do the work.
Here’s the problem in my opinion… great video btw very spot on. The thing is the secure person never stays long enough for the avoidant to change.. and that’s the saddest fact. Secures usually avoid avoidants.. or else the self fulfilling and the all mighty anxious avoidant reap. I am secure. I left after 4 months without showing any anxious behaviors because the girl I was dating was an emotional brick wall. I agree with the whole video besides the last part. I do not think and this is me personally.. I do not think an avoidant being with a secure will turn them secure. Will they be less avoidant? Yea sure at first.. but a relationship needs to develop at some point and get serious.. this is where avoidants struggle and distance. They are afraid of emotional intimacy.. and closeness. A relationship without this doesn’t work and eventually the secure leaves the avoidant because a lot of them fail to connect or commit. Even if the theory is true that the avoidant will eventually lean secure.. it’s not in months time. My opinion though long term subscriber love your videos
I think this is a valid point. I do believe an avoidant with an EARNED secure is different and that can work. I’ve heard this on other videos. The notion that someone has changed and earned secure attachment resonates with an avoidant if they ARE ON a healing journey. If they aren’t it won’t mean anything. I come from this from experience. I’m reconciling with my avoidant ex who is actively trying her best to heal 🙏🤞at same time I have worked hard to go from anxious to secure over many years (I do have blips). She’s been getting into AT at her own behest. I believe the earned nature changes the context. Earned secures empathise with the journey and are more empathetic to stick around as they have done it too. Likewise avoidants around an earned secure see someone who is self aware and working on themselves as they are. I believe Chris was referring to earned secure and I believe that is actually a second type of secure attachment.
I have been with 3 avoidants. I started secure for my first 2. But my last girl I got in too deep and started to get anxious. I’m my opinion this is like addiction. Step 1 is putting 2 and 2 together that they are not right in how they make partners feel. Avoidants are toxic 9 of 10 times. But not to themselves. The only way they can ever change is if they suffer, that’s why no contact is good when they flip the switch. I was with a very avoidant person 9 years. They left 3 weeks ago. I reached out in the beginning and we met and had the spark. Then they went away. Now I’m not calling her unless she does me and I won’t get back with her until she does therapy and couples therapy, that’s what I will say if she works back in. I love you and we have been through it all, great intimacy when she comes in hot, space on the way out for my hobbies. Lol. This time though she started talking to a man. 15 years older than me, very very unattractive . No sex yet when I talked to her. If she does I told her I’m out forever. See what she decides. Very sad in her case menopause and mental health to boot. I will give her the shot and made it very clear. Deep down I don’t want to lose her. She is a huge pain in my ass - but she is worth it to me. If she goes I might find an anxious attachment woman. I always wanted that. I can do kinda close but really close is pretty great. Got their with my girl, next day she was unsure if she loved me. That’s sad
They do need to seek counseling however they won't because they're comfortable in the victim role, and counseling would force them to take accountability for their actions.
Guess I'm so avoidant that I've never even bothered to get into a relationship. The thought of negotiating time, needs, wants, resources with another person just drives me up the wall.
After married to an avoidant for a decade I realize how much I am traumatized. I find myself distancing myself from people and asking ever so often “Do you need space?” “Do you need alone time?” Until they tell me they are perfectly fine with me around which surprises me. I used to be comfortable around people, now I am always afraid that my presence would make the other person feel suffocated. I remember I tried so hard to remove my presence as much as possible so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable. I even tried to breathe more quietly. True that I also learned a lot about myself and the world through my marriage, but also it caused a lot of damage. It’s very difficult to explain to anyone who hasn’t had the same experience
A healthy relationship for a da means its all abou them, their needs, wishes etc etc. As long as u dont want anything from them, they will be fine but as soon as you want something from them or pull away because they cant give you what you want they will get angry or leave you. These people are crazy!!!
Yes and everything you say as you coddle and walk on eggshells is a criticism. I remember even asking to see him more bc I missed him was nitpicking him. “No dude, I just want to see you more than a few hours a week. You’re ridiculous!”. Maybe it’s bc we actually give a crap
@@Eg-jd9zte too broke up with me because we only saw each other 2 times a week and I wanted more so I was getting cold on him when we were out. I also asked him to go to the sea all the time because I had no one to go with amd he didn't want to. He left me because of "pressuring him and not understanding it's because of his job". Unfortunately I was shocked and we were almost a year together so I cried and apologized. He still left because he said he can't give me what I want and he's not enough, but came back the next day.
So basically I have to be perfect and do and be what the other person wants. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be secrure. But it’s difficult to show love and be happy when I’m getting stonewalled and partner disappears for space and I’m supposed to stay in a relationship. I was pretty secure but not having any notmal conversations and my partner getting angry at everything is becoming triggering. It just makes me wish I never met him because I didn’t plan on going through another breakup again.
Run!! Avoidants will bring you nothing but heartache. I was with one for two years, I never felt so lonely in a relationship as I was with her. It's taken me months to recover from the emotional damage she caused me. You deserve someone to love you. move on.
It's not worth it girl. I entered my last relationship feeling pretty confident and good about myself, and left it feeling an insecure mess because of his intimacy issues, insecurities, projection and silent treatments. It took me a whole year after the breakup to start feeling like myself again. Leaving is not easy, I surely didn't want to, so I understand wanting to bet agaisnt the odds, but the biggest issue is that these kind of people do mess up your mental health and sense of self worth if you stay too long, so for that reason I can say with certainty that it is really not worth it if you're noticing these patterns.
@@Frank-tj5de Exactly, it is reassuring to hear other people stories, but it's crazy that it takes us so long to feel normal again after being with someone like that. They project their crap on us so much that by the time we leave, we have become a mess just like them.
Litterly the begginging is perfect lots of passion desire love bombing for each other. Sexual chemistry, trust but then...i started to feel off like i was missing this emotional closness of intimacy, soon as i tried she had a outburns n said it over. Thats when i started to notice why is she shouting at me and stated learning about Avoident attachment. Heart broken i give my heart to someone who couldnt accept my love. She was never open or vulnerable. They block you n move onto i wish someone will "accept me for me" They see no wrong in their behavior or how they hurt those close to them. Im moving on as i know i deserve the love n respect i give out
Yes, my very avoidant partner of 4 years left the relationship a week before Christmas, while I am going through chemotherapy for stage 4 cancer. He just couldn't deal with the intensity of it all and on the day he moved out I found out that he had been in a relationship with someone else for months. He has not shown any remorse or guilt whatsoever and even blames me , saying that I should not have looked at his phone (which is how I found out). Honestly, it has been so traumatic but I can now see that I am better off without him. No accountability, no self reflection, no communication skills l, just always the focus on me and my issues. Very difficult dynamic and constant running away from conflict. Nightmare
I'm so sorry. I have often said this about my person, how would he be if i got sick when he is like this now. He also left around Christmas. I am so sorry he did this to you when you are going through this. I hope you find someone who deserves your love. I wonder if they are also narcissistic
@@qitaeSounds pretty narcissistic. Avoidant attachment is not a diagnosis anyway, more like a social manifestation of symptoms that can be part of several mental illnesses
@@swzslm1741 Check out "The body keeps the score". Complex PTSD that starts in childhood and the issues it causes hasn't been included in the DSM, the handbook for medics, bc the Pharma Complex resists it. The brain model "mental illnesses" suit them better. But they miss the real underlying causes and cures, which are behavioural.
DA’s cheat …. They’re entitled. They’re superior and in my opinion evil. It’s all wrapped up in a shinny bow for 3 months, then we all learn attachment style. They’re legends in their own minds. I’d never loved the imposter like that. The real deal, not so much. I wish him well but I think another avoidant is the only way for a DA to go. They’re aware, they don’t care. Truth
I spent 3,5 years with my ex, we split 3 years ago. I initiated the break up, as the relationship had no future, for many months my thoughts swayed between her being a covert narcissist to her being avoidant. Ive settled in her being avoidant. By far the most difficult breakup as far as putting out the embers that remained. Avoidants will leave you questioning the relationship and questioning how to open up to someone again.
If you spot an avoidant early on in a relationship then do yourself a favor. GTFO!!! Dating a narcissist is bad enough. But dating an avoidant is pure hell! They will literally break you mentally and not give a rats ass about you. So yeah trust me. They are not worth one min of your time. They are beyond broken, and very rarely will they work on themselves. They will find a new victim or supply instead. That’s how crappy they are.
They are similar to narcissists... Kinda like the same pattern of a narcissist but instead of diverse forms of abuse, the avoidant only does stonewalling all the time. At least narcissists sometimes call us idiots or something... I actually think being ignored is far worse than being called an idiot... Because if the narcissist calls me an idiot of course I'm going to leave. However if an avoidant just stonewalls me I go crazy.
Went from divorcing a malignant narcissist, healing myself from his abuse then into a relationship with an avoidant.. possibly another narcissist. He ended up ghosting me recently after what I thought was a great time together . Pattern of push pull ,sporadic communication after wonderful times together . Feeling of tenuous never knowing where I stand when leaving a date.
@@nugget6635 in terms of physiological trauma response, studies show ostracization and isolation from the group have more severe response in the body than negative attention or degradation from the group.
Amazing concept. Except they don't communicate, nor no how to. They shut down and expect someone to be a mind reader. They lack the commitment to stay the course and work through conflict resolution. They simply avoid it. They basically want, what they cannot give.
I stopped pandering to his cycle. Walked away. Recognised & addressed my anxious attachment style triggers & built up a brand new life of my own. He’s had more comebacks than Elvis over the 3yrs that I’ve been working on myself lol! Sometimes it didn’t have any effect, other times it hurt like hell, when he’d pull away. Ultimately it was all about me seeing more about myself whilst identifying his patterns within that cycle. Now, we are in the most amazing connection. I’m so secure because I’ve a life that totally works for me whether he’s in it or not. He’s much less extreme in his cyclical behaviours. I don’t put up with his tantrums he uses to push me away after closeness. I ignore him. He doesn’t communicate then I assume he isn’t wanting to hear from me either. He always comes back, usually in a few days now rather than the weeks it took at first. Usually some cryptic message about a problem or situation he’s using as the opener. He knows I’m the only person who understands him (more than he knows!), makes him feel safe, can trust & who accepts him as he is without constantly badgering him to change. I love him exactly as he is but I love myself more. It’s not about whether I’m good enough for him. It’s whether he can afford to lose me. He can’t - simples.
I wish this could have happened to my situation but after 3 years he blocked me. I'm left heartbroken. I didn't understand what to do about this dynamic until it was too late 😢
I'm happy for you that you reached a dynamic that satisfies you both and that you can live with. Personally, I would be very unsatisfied with that amount of adjusting and strategizing. I'd just want to be myself.
Self-soothing is something everyone needs to learn. Being emotionally dependent on other people is a recipe for disaster. What if the person you're with leaves or even dies? How will you help yourself if you can't self-soothe?
That’s exactly why everyone loves my voice is so self soothing and calm, relax, sweet. 😮😯😮 This happens in my app reality and getting compliments due of my voice so soothing.
I'm a secure attachment, and my avoidant ex told me he wanted a relationship where we care, but we don't show we care. And that was the best description of an avoidant relationship I've ever heard. Also, no thank you.
the Love avoidant and the cycle with the anxious attacher is well outlined in more detail in a book by Pia Mellody "Facing Love Addiction: giving yourself the power to change the way you love". So eye-opening.
met one recently, and was it a nightmare haha. just leave them alone, that's what they want anyway. there's no reasoning with an avoidant. I'll never go through that emotional roller coaster again.
I was with an avoidant I guess or a covert narcissist. She loved bombed me. Was ready to move in after 2 months. She was fine up until 6 months then broke up with me. They go completely cold
I agree and you have to love how they promise you the world at first and that they can meet your needs only to be left with minimal crumbs like this isn’t what I signed up for. My new rule is 2-3 months before we are officially in a relationship, because most deactivate and start acting off into 4-6 weeks: you’ll see it early on
@@JanVill Leave them alone, that's what they want anyways... exactly how l felt when he broke up fkr the second time! its not space they want is a pass /getaway card but with the option if coming back when they've finished their money, their new interest dies down etcetc
I think the more conscious you are about attachment as a secure person; the more impact you can have; providing the avoidant is willing to work on things. It would be easy to try to accommodate the avoidants stonewalling or ghosting by thinking that you are giving them the space they need; and then find yourself in a situationship where you are neglected and they are staying in their comfort zone and not showing up. The skill is to gently call out the behaviour and ask for what you need (without being accusatory or demanding) and be willing to walk away if they are not willing or able to meet you there. A secure person doesn’t sacrifice their own emotional needs for someone else. It’s a huge commitment that takes patience and courage. Not for the feint of heart.
How can I call out his sick behavior and ask for what I need without being accusatory or demanding or without sounding needy or naggy? It's literally frustrating me! Help me with some examples please!
Say for example that he is stone walling you. You could say: "I can see that you need some space; and I want to honour that. (acknowledging his feelings - it goes a LONG way) "However, stonewalling is not a healthy way to ask for space and Im sure you wouldn't like it if I did that to you. Could you let me know that you need space; and how much time that you need as I really value transparency and clarity? " If he is overriding your own standards by saying that he needs a month without seeing you, you should also be able to say "that is not in line with what I would expect from a committed relationship" and then state what a reasonable time frame for you is. Avoidants really value this kind of direction as they feel lost in the dynamics of a relationship. They really struggle to communicate. If this isn't helpful for you you are welcome to give a clear example of what you are struggling with and I will try to help. @@ninaziva4639
Just don't date avoidants. Their ideal relationships are straight up a take-take relationship. Anxiously attached people can have a successful relationship with securely attached people, often times being securely attached in the process themselves. Avoidants are destined to die alone if they don't fix their shit. Let them.
I think the only way to move out of an unhealthy attachment requires psychotherapy such as EMDR to address the trauma that has hooks into the insecure attachment styles. I was avoidant and I was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. I entered EMDR therapy and I was able to do some really hardcore inner child work. This is where my insecurity programming started. I agree with your behavioral findings of avoidance. But, this attachment style in my experience cannot be corrected until the inner child is addressed and it is where one is able to understand the trauma and where the unhealthy concepts comes from. We do want to be loved, but I felt I was not understood. It is because I didn’t understand myself. I didn’t understand that it was the trauma that programmed me to behave this way. It was the trauma and lead to me fear rejection and abandonment. It is only after I was able to work through the trauma, was I able to see myself of who I really was. It is if trauma made me dissociate with my identity. It was like I want to love, but was is love. I have been so hurt and so if someone gets to close, I will be hurt. It’s a painstaking mindset for both parties of the relationship. I now understand these mechanisms and I am now able to be vulnerable, communicate my wants and desires. I learned about boundaries and expressing when things bother me. I am confident in my emotions. I am no longer afraid to be close. I am able to connect with others. I did a lot of work to get where I am at. But, to move into a secure attachment in my opinion, can only be achieved with aggressive therapy first. I am grateful to EMDR as it truly saved my life.
Congratulations! Healing of any sort requires monumental amounts of courage and grit. You absolutely deserve your new life and I'm sure the people around you are happy that they're able to love you. I'm glad you're finally able to fully receive the love the Universe is beaming your way.
I’m a former dismissive avoidant ,I researched it and started working on myself. I didn’t have therapy. I just realized that I deeply desire love and touch, and that I had to get out of my way to receive the truth and beauty of a real healthy relationship.i comprehend that people more specifically my man really matters and though I may not show it on emotional ways I choose day by day to be loyal to the relationship rather than retreat into myself and punish him or anyone else for invisible/not real factors. You just have to want to do the work. And it is tough being vulnerable but he makes it easy bc he is patient ,understanding and doesn’t shun me for speaking my truth.
I’m pregnant and finding myself so clingy and suffering a lot and the fact that my partner doesn’t want to deal w my emotions just drives me more mad. 😭 How do I get out of this stupid cycle. I feel so unloved, uncared for and unseen.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! This behavior of his is completely selfish. Pregnancy puts a very heavy burden on your body and your emotions. He needs to man up, but you telling him that will probably only make it worse. Argh. I would suggest reading up on how to ask a man for what you want, which is tricky in itself, and try that, so at least you did what you could and you feel like if it falls apart, you did the best you could. Blessings to you and your baby!
My children are the best thing that's happened to me, so I heartily congratulate you! But make sure you don't end up relying on him for money like I did. My kids are quite happy and well adjusted even though their dad is very avoidant. He loves them and there are certain ways I've encouraged their relationship, like he enjoys reading them stories. (Especially now that they're old enough for the Lord of the rings, etc) Make an effort to build up a village around you. Different ages, etc. ❤
@@urteruddy8205 same…. Isn’t it wild we picked a partner that’s as abusive as our childhood wounds. Take this time to work on yourself. Love comes from within. Heal all your personal demons (we all have them) that way you can experience true happiness & peace. Your child deserves that ❤️
I tend to attract and be attracted to avoidants as a fearful type because we share a lot of similar traits of coping mechanisms, so we start out understanding each other. But all of these relationships went down in flames because the avoidant needed to take a lot of distance/space to regulate, and, while I don't need as much closeness as other attachment types, my fearful trigger is someone needing to take a ton of space from me. I don't want to demonize avoidants, but I don't date them anymore. Friends? Absolutely. I get along with the personality type really well outside of romantic permutations. But in a dating scenario, my own needs can't be met by an avoidant attacher, and I'm not going to ask someone to change. When I realized it was more about knowing MY needs as opposed to being angry about how the avoidant attached, it was like a lightbulb moment where I knew I had to change my selection criteria and filter people more carefully. I have enough work to do regarding the obstacles that come with my own attachment style-- I don't want to do double the work trying to make incompatible styles fit.
I started with an anxious attachment style and am now relatively secure with only sprinkles of anxiety when stuff gets really tough. Took a shit ton of work and nearly 20 years. In my experience, avoidants get triggered very early on by anxious people, so that the relationship doesn't even become as close. Now that I'm more secure, they seem to feel more comfortable around me at first...until they get freaked out by the concept of reciprocity. Since I myself am not completely there yet, the borderline narcissistic traits they tend to show then trigger my anxiousness, so no growth, just steps back for me there. I wonder why a truly secure person would even seriously consider being in a commited relationship with an avoidant? I mean- you'll never get real intimacy with them (unless they do realise that they might be (part of) the problem and are willing to put the effort in to change)
Perhaps this paradox is the next Wonder of the World…what exactly is in it for you to be in a long term relationship with someone who really can’t reciprocate emotional intimacy.
A chance to practice unconditional love, and true altruism. If one is only in relationships, or many other things in life for what they can "get out of it", then that isn't 'unconditional', nor is it altruism. I don't give to the homeless vagrant, because I hope he will appreciate "what I did for him", I do it so he can survive another day, no strings attached. I don't counsel the bereaved, hoping they'll "remember I was there for them". I give freely and generously of the empathy I have, to help them through the most difficult time if their lives, no strings attached. I don't save a wounded/ailing animal, because I hope it will become my pet. I'm just trying to help a being live another day, no strings attached. I love those who can't love me back, because they often need love the most-- no strings attached. Maybe if more people were concerned about, not what they can get out of any relationship, but instead, what they CAN GIVE, ... the world would be a better place.
@@WhiskyGravy I like your answer I really do. But that’s just not how it works with being with an avoidant partner unfortunately. Your unconditional love will literally smother that partner who is a true avoidant and it will turn them off. You will literally push away the very avoidant partner who you love and you’ll get dumped. There most certainly is some sort of perceived line in the sand of give and take in healthy relationships that’s just the way it is. Or you’ll be neglected emotionally. I don’t think your examples with the homeless/Vagrant/bereaved really has anything to do with what I said…..I think you missed the point entirely
@@spedhead218 I appreciate your feedback, and kind response. I *think* I understood your point, being about people who cannot "reciprocate in a relationship". That's why I gave the examples I did. Some wounded people cannot 'afford' to give back, whether because they fear building ties that overwhelm them, or creating a sense of their obligation/reciprocal "niceties" to you they don't want, or just a panicked sense that, if anyone gets close and learns "the terrible 'truth' about" them, (they believe about themselves), they will be rejected, so they'll run. Again. Self-sabotage. "Escape", rather than face rejection. I know, because I was one of those people once. The fact that all these defense/protection mechanisms don't ALLOW them to build intimacy/give back seems to evade many people who want to try to pursue these relationships, in order to "fix" this "broken, helpless soul". But as you relate, "smothering" them is NOT the answer. I at least was extremely suspicious of anyone who acted to 'like' me, as I thought they couldn't be too smart, or they only wanted something FROM me... usually, they did. Loving them How they are, Who they are, When they are, and getting "nothing" but the pure altruistic enjoyment of seeing another person survive another day successfully, IS an answer. Letting them be WHO they need to be for those days, is appreciated, I think. (Perhaps not the only one/way). I don't feel like I get "nothing" out if it. I get satisfaction of seeing him grow, get braver, a bit more confident. But I don't need his 'payback' for that. This is a platonic relationship (romantic relationship is likely different, I have no doubt) It's been 4 months since we directly spoke. (In a 2 year relationship) It's only occasional texts, and I generally let him come to me. Recently, he has started contacting me more often, (which is why I'm looking at videos like this now) with fairly 'neutral' subjects, (common interests, yadda) and he knows I won't chastise him and say dumb accusatory things like "where have you been???" Or, "I thought you didn't like me anymore!?!?" Most of the people in the group we were in (that he left) won't accept him anymore, saying he's cold, disrespectful, etc. They expect him to 'apologize', or be 'more engaging/respectful', before they would "deign" to tolerate him again.... But not me. He and I, We just take up, where we left off. Both older... both wiser. I guess it's a strange kind of mutual respect. Like: "sup", "Sup!", "good". For me, that's enough. He's "here", right? Says it all. I'm just always glad to see him come around, if he does, and I let him know that-- no strings attached. It's my way of ..."putting good into the world", whether anyone notices (even him!) or not. I also put grocery carts back in their corrals in parking lots. Lol A little at a time. Appreciate your input, and I'll Definitely keep all in consideration. I'm very aware that sometimes the ones who cannot ask--nor reciprocate/pay back for help/love/understanding are the ones who need it the most.
@@WhiskyGravy Thank you for your answer. It's interesting to see that everyone here says to run away from people who are hard to be understood. Of course, i accept, that most people have an idea in their head about what kind of partner, relationship they want, and if a partner doesn't fit into this, then there is no need to try it. But i can not accept it that they say that a person shouldn't get a chance because he or she is hard to be understood...
I have been in a "friendship" with an avoidant for 9 years and have thought about just giving up so many times for many of the reasons others have stated in these comments; HOWEVER, I cannot say I regret any of it. Yes the push/pull is still there but I have grown so much as a person. I had an insecure attachment style before but my desire to understand what's going on with him has led me to be more understanding, less clingy, less "needy." I don't need constant reassurance and don't feel the need to talk EVERYTHING through...some things yes but not everything. I have found that I am growing into more of a secure attachment style. So while I understand the difficulties of being with an avoidant, this video is dead on. All of the things listed at the end of the video were difficult at first but now they usually come pretty easily and I do see a difference in how he responds to me...not to mention that I feel more secure than I ever have in general.
Me, too. I broke up with the avoidant for not getting enough attention, etc. I went lonewolf mode to get over him, and ended up turning into an avoidant or stoic, myself. Really enjoy my own company and understand being alone is great.
Are avoidant and narcissists synonymous? I’ve been referring to avoidants as narcissists for the longest time. It really is a one-sided relationship where it’s all about me, me, me.
I don't think so. They're hurting you as a byproduct of their protective mechanism, it's not on purpose for the reason that they want to hurt you. Doesn't really make a difference in how it's received.
I SUPER APPRECIATE you vocalizing in your videos that getting back your avoidant partner isn’t a good idea and that it most likely will lead to the same result - breakup and thank you for reminding people to ask themselves WHY do they want their avoidant back. It’s so so important to understand your reasons and that alone can break you out of the cycle of suffering in a relationship with a wrong person. ❤ thank you! 🙏🏽
So on point! Youre secure ans supportive..goodness when it goes months with her not giving what she used to, kissing, love, interest. At some point its gotta be brought up. Not a sign of being anxious when the supposed anxious person was patient for months to be open amd have what we used to have.
But do you think it’s even worth it? I’m in the same boat. For me it makes no sense to remind someone of what yiu like and don’t like and what you need and don’t need. After 8 years , she knows what I need. Our relationship was never tumultuous. We had our ups and downs . But she claimed a need for space and “I need to find myself”. Typical bs…. 3 months of no contact . It’s been a year since us reuniting. The affection, the quality time, the words of affirmation have dwindled. I have always been supportive, encouraging, forgiving, loyal . I’m the guy that while she was in college and in school getting her doctorate (8years) , I cook , clean, change the oil, do laundry , care for the dog… and she never knew when she would get surprise flowers or something. I feel it is futile. People do what they want to do and being her security blanket all these years has gone unappreciated. Why am I so in love with her still. Or is it all a disillusion?
I dont see why one should comply to their style only....... I'd rather stay on my own than commit to somebody's one-way rules. God save me from such hard work!
Exactly! A healthy relationship should be one of give and take, reciprocrating, not one person doing the communicating, chasing, work e.t.c if they can' t do that I pull my energy back and out then leave, there' s only so much you can deal with and I can' t and won' t deal with someone like that. A person like that is more like a project, I think they really need therapy to work on their issues not a relationship.
As a Fearful Avoidant, watching this video physically hurt me, but also helped me understand myself more. Finding a therapist who understands these dynamics has been really hard for me.
Spot on! That’s exactly what happened difficult times he wants support you r there. You going through the tough time, communicate your need, you r called needy and desperate and breaks up. To fend on your own. You don’t need that 💩
I identify with being avoidant, or at least having avoidant tendencies, I there’s a couple things I wanted to bring up. I also have ASD and something that tends to come along with that is PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), so the avoidant person’s characterization of a healthy relationship was actually spot on, but I think there are a couple details that need to be added on both sides. The biggest thing is for the avoidant, while asking for accommodation for their tendencies, also making sure that they attempt to accommodate the other person. That being said, there have definitely been times that I WANTED to open up, but because the partner would pressure me and ignore my boundaries, I literally couldn’t, even though I knew that that could help. I’d already recognized my avoidant tendencies and would ask for accommodation so that I could work past them and function in a more secure way, but my partners tended to have anxious attachment styles. I’d know that once I’d felt self and wasn’t feeling pressured, I’d want to do what they wanted or what would make them feel better and hopefully get to a point where I was no longer avoidant, but that process has to be respected. At the same time, you have to recognize that the other person needs their accommodations as well, so coming up with strategies for dealing with conflict that makes both parties feel better is a huge deal. The biggest thing that helped was, when getting in a fight and realizing I was either starting to shut down or get close to saying things I didn’t mean to “push her away” I’d say that we needed to take a break from the argument, which would trigger their fears of abandonment. The way we worked this out was setting a time limit for the break or planning what time to come back to the discussion so that the anxious partner knows that you’re not just leaving, but rather just need a break like you asked for. Really, scheduling times to be engaged, times to come back to an argument, times to go on dates, sometimes even scheduling a time to have intercourse actually genuinely helped a lot and started making it so that we were just doing these things naturally and not needing to schedule as often. Basically, you can’t just say you have an avoidant attachment style and then expect the other person to just understand and change their needs and accommodate you without reciprocation. It has to go both ways. The other thing is that, my boundaries being respected actually made me act less avoidant and start functioning in a more secure and open manner. Again, this needs to be communicated and accommodation has to go back to your partner as well, but this is just another big thing. As an avoidant, I’d want to be open and emotional, the space just had to feel safe for me to and having PDA stacked on top of that meant that pressure was gonna keep that from happening, whether I wanted it to or not.
Good on you, you are so right. I am an anxious & partner is avoidant ( I suspect he might have aspergers too). I am doing the work to relax & give my partner the space he needs, I used to find it hurtful that he made excuses not to see me alone or kiss me after 4 months until I learned about avoidant. Can I ask you a question, is it typical for an avoidant/as to promise something in the future & not deliver, eg: saying it'll happen, but not giving any timeline? I really want to understand my partner & make it work. Thanks & good luck to you!
I was secure, I was confident, I learned from my previous relationships and she showed me what real love was. I felt so comfortable and gave her my full support, but when I struggled physically with an injury that also lowered my selfsteem, and she lost her job, she started the avoidance cycle without telling me what was going through her mind. I started demandig a bit of support from her part and she understood it, but not did it in the long run. As she kept avoiding even more with a long distance relationship, one day she exploded and ended things, when I missed her the most, when I needed her the most. I feel sorry for her but also a bit dissapointed since I asked for so little in comparsion to what I gave. She didnt even gave me a chance to save the relationship.
I have a secure attachment style, I’ll never date another one as long as I live! Emotional unavailable & very immature for a 71 year old Man!! He’s a runner & I ran too as far as I could… It was very exhausting after 4 months smdh!!!
My first love was an avoidant. I was 16 and clueless. He was family oriented which to me looked like a good thing. I used to think it was because his problematic family was burdensome that I couldn't be the priority. Looking back now, it worked in his favor and was the perfect refuge for him to dodge doing life with me on a serious level.
My bf of 6 yrs who just broke up with me a few weeks ago, is an avoidant. I was a constant secure. He broke up with me 3 times in 6 yrs any time there was a major event in my life, like a surgery, an engagement, a wedding, and my wanting him to move in with me. Do avoid ants even know how to love? He never stopped telling me I was the absolute best gf and I am an amazing person. 🤷🏼♀️🙏🏼💔
I am sorry you had to go through this but please understand the lesson in this. Never let anyone tell you twice that they don’t want to be with you. Secondly, read about attachment styles so that you can spot on early on the attachment styles and make a decision for yourself
O. M. G. I know so many ppl like this. Why don't they teach how to deal with this in grade school? But sometimes ppl be like this naturally, no matter their upbringing
Why would anyone want to go through tormentation ? I don't get this. If something is dysfunctional...get rid of it and move on! You can not " repair a broken glass" !
I believe your attachment style is determined by your level of like for someone. I can be 2/4 of those types based off the fact if I like you or not. Avoidant if I don’t like you, anxious if I do.🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️😂
@12:09 is simply not true in practice. a truly secure person would not want to be in a relationship with an avoidant simply because the relationship is not reciprocal. and vice versa, the secure person is of no interest to the avoidant because they won't try to be the avoidant's fixer, won't try to make the relationship work if the avoidant falls off the face of the earth for 3 weeks. Until they go to therapy themselves, they will only have relationships with anxious people, but this dynamic will continue to make them believe that they are better off as a loner when they are triggered by human needs (e.g. communication and plans).
He had an obsession of telling me that in order for him to "choose" me and make us official, I would need to ALWAYS make him feel wanted. It was sooo weird. I asked if he would do the same for me. He said MAYBE. Trying to clearly understand why I got such a selfish answer, I gave him a hypothetical. I said, "Would you pull me close to you, whether romantically or emotionally?" Of course, I got another weird answer. He said again, "Maybe. I would need to know its ME that you want to be pulling you close. How do I know it's not another man you really want in that moment?" UM...WHAAAAAAT? I gave him a final straw question: "If I just lost a relative, and I'm grieving, becoming depressed. I'm in the corner, withdrawn, and crying. Would you come to hold me with emotional support?" He said, "No. Again, how do I know you really want me and no one else?" I couldn't believe what I has heard. "Well, who should I count on for that support, if you and I are in a relationship?" He said, "I don't know." It was over. I texted him two words. TAKE CARE.
I’m blocked right now by my avoidant ex girlfriend, I really want to learn how I can be the man that she needed me to be when I watch these types of videos. Because she is my true love and I really want to learn how to be able to control my emotions so I can show up how she needs me to and be supportive of her style and last but not least, most important, learn how to be secure and not so needy or possessive, or even a bit controlling; I need to master these things to better myself so I can be the man she or any woman needs me to be. Thanks for your content I wish I could hold on to hope but it’s down to about 20% of my hope level of ever getting back in a relationship with her.
Human beings are programmed to form bonds initially with their mother and care givers and as they develop their ' tribe' / extended family etc. Without this ability humans wouldn't have survived from an evolutionary viewpoint. Secure attachment is probably far less common today as traditional values change and Narcissistic traits seem to be rewarded in our competitive divided world. Ultimately unhealthy attachment whether anxious, fearful or avoidant is mal adaption . Lone wolves can survive no doubt but most people don't want just to survive but thrive and that means connection .
Hi Chris, I've just come across your channel. The traits you describe of an Avoidant sound very much like the traits of ASD/Aspergers syndrome which my boyfriend has. Is it the same, or is there an overlap, or are people with ASD automatically Avoidant?
So essentially you should take care of them but they don’t want to care of you! Listen I’ve been with multiple avoidants … sure some can change and you might even find an equilibrium for a bit. But if life throws anything at you they will go running and start shutting down and start treating you like after cheating cause now they want out. Once you leave they come running back around with regret for a bit until you make them realize you have moved on.
Yeah no matter how secure you are, they HAVE to realize the natural inclination is not going to lead to happiness. They have to choose to practice being in initimate relationship. And a truly secure person isn't going to chase someone who leaves when asked to meet basic expectations of a relationship. Avoidants attract anxious-- that's the pull like gravity. Secure people steer clear from the drama.
avoidant's ideal of relationship: never discuss feelings and expectations, running away from any problem, being ok with them being distant...
(this is not a relationship)
It's almost like a stranger😂
so I'm not a "too much to ask" kind of woman if i say that is not a relationship?? Where can i found a Man that realize and acknowledged about what's the value of a true healthy relationship..?
My ex thought that one should not have expectations of their partner. Yet when our physical intimacy started to suffer due to lack of emotional connection & unresolved conflict, he started complaining. So he did have expectations about our sex life but didn't want to put in the effort to fuel it.
It's an unhealthy relationship
@Nesher92 Why do you always have to talk about.. You dont do this in your friendships...??? Just let it be.. Is your parnter not your "best friend " ?
They need therapy. We secure, are not their personal emotional butlers. My DA ex refused to go to therapy and kept gaslighting me, saying passive aggressive comments, silent treatment, stonewalling and refused to communicate. It was painful being around that type of dismissive, critical energy while I needed him to be supportive and kind in a very difficult phase in my life. He broke up with me in a very selfish and cruel way accusing me of « false » things he made up in his head to move away guilt free and have no accountability. All I wanted was for him to sit and have a conversation !!! DA’s are immature and childish emotionally. They never evolved from that hurt, traumatized, neglected kid they were in their childhood. They expect perfection from you and give nothing in return, not even compassion, or understanding. He took all my positive energy from me, and checked out when it was his turn to be there for me!
Literally same thing happened to me. He didn't communicate his needs, if he did, he would have seen i actually agreed with him. He made up stories in his mind, then completely shut me down when i tried to have a healthy conversation with him. Its very painful.
@@rhonnieminnie ❤️
They need to be reborn
Totally can relate to this. It's so unfair and disheartening. They take everything away emotionally and physically and push you away. And then say " I don't need help (therapy) I am fine the way I am!" "I'm not changing!"
Same here, when he comes hoovering give him kick in the butt!
Avoidant is not an attachment style. It’s a detachment style.
I agree with you 100%
Love it and soooo true!
Well said!
👌🏽👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
😂
Avoidants won't change because they are with a secure person. They will change/improve their intimacy and connection after therapy. Don't damage yourself thinking your love and understanding will help them.
Thank you for your comment !
I doubt a secure person would be with an avoidant.
They can do in some cases, it just takes awareness and willingness.
Truth. And I heard avoidants see their traits as a "strength" so they don't change. For them, being an avoidant is convenient since they're not the ones who are exhausted, lonely and confused (the ones that are at the receiving end).
@@highhigh_ yes, my ex, very avoidant, partner and I did therapy and he couldn't get his mind to switch to see vulnerability as a strength. He only saw it as weakness and saw it as "being a little bitch" if he were to be vulnerable on the daily. He said he knew that was crazy, but he literally can't make his brain change. He was such a self soother too. Everything about him was about disconnect and retreating into his inner world. It's really sad cause he was a wonderful human with a great heart. I'm just not able to deal with that in an "intimate" relationship for forever.
Never ever dealing with an avoidant again; it is literal hell, and I am done.
You might have dealt with a narcissist instead. Gotta watch out for those too
I’m going through it now..
@@stevecooper7883 I think some avoidants have narc tendencies. In other words, they are quite comfortable with the world revolving around them and their needs and they don't see, or they see and don't care about, the needs of others.
Yep
It wasnt a hell for me man.. she is so beautiful and everything I´ve ever dreamed of.. She is literally the girl I´ve dreamed of for years and it had to end up like this. Many people tell me to move on, but how can I? She completed me, there was nothing I disliked on her. And yet here I am. I just hope my sweet little racoon will realize that the breakup was a bad thing and returns to me..
I am exhausted thinking about what feels like abandoning my own wants and needs to make a person that fears intimacy but wants it too…feel comfortable. I think the best solution is to have boundaries, if they can’t meet you half way, unfortunately, that’s not a healthy relationship. Heartbreaking but true.
They need to meet you the entire way. And you need to be authentic enough to tell them what you want. And if they can't respect that, then leave.
@@smokingcrab2290. How right you are.
If I stay with the avoidant, then I die. If I leave, I feel sad for them and guilty for putting me first
@MagoosBoob Also, a decision to stay in a relationship with someone that can’t meet your wants and needs is an even a bigger issue. The lesson is to walk away to love and honor yourself.
@MagoosBoob I sorry that you whet through 7 years. I suppose it could have been more and so that is something to recognize. well - be kind to yourself. Grace. I think we have all experienced that one person. Now, we know better. They taught us what we want, and what don’t want. What we need to work on. A feeling of love isn’t enough. Love is action. I don’t have time to “fix” a person. They have to want to fix themselves after realizing their own “pathology” and then just being so fed up with the same result that they prioritize a healing/learning/growing journey. You have to have relationship skills to be in a healthy relationship. How I feel about someone had zero to do with if they are equipped to be in a relationship.
I just realised that I spent 5 years with an avoidant. All this time, he kept blaming the difficulties of the relationship on me alone. He kept finding all the possible excuses not to build anything solid with me. I worked on all of them, one by one, and removed one by one the obstacles to us being happy. I bought into his manipulation that he really wanted to be with me but I was the one who had issues and so he couldn’t fully commit. He abandoned me in each and every difficult moment in my life.
Today I discover he was actually an avoidant and all those issues had nothing to do with me. He needed them not to get too close.
How do you heal from this? I feel traumatized.
First thing you have done: realized it's not you. And then tell yourself many people are normal. Watch out for red flags.
That is a narc
Turn to Almighty God, he will give you the strength you need.
I am sorry to hear this. Please look into CBT and EMDR therapy.
Thank you for sharing.
Disregard our feeling to them, keeping our inner peace and sanity is really important - leave them. It’s the most painful relationship experience ever.
Yes
Imagine being married to one. This is my life. She takes off and does whatever she wants. Best I get is a peck and a hug, and then it's no contact the whole day. Maybe once she'll text "how r u?" and that's all it is. Then I get home and it's chores, then dinner, then TV, and then I go to bed next to a woman who I cannot touch. She was cheated on by ALL 3 of her exes before she met me. And she grew up in a very masculine household where any display of emotion was looked down on. She's also capable of violence when she's angry. So any emotional topic at all (good or bad) gets avoided. I'm so tired of our relationship and intimacy level being dominated by her insecurities. I'm so tired of not being able to be myself with a woman I married and devoted my life to.
@@smokingcrab2290Find the courage to *leave*. There's no other option. There are women out there who will appreciate you.
@@smokingcrab2290pls do yourself a favor and get out of this mess. This sounds more like a situationship to me than a marriage. And what’s the point of staying when your partner feels like a housemate you share a bed with at most.
Yep. Your own sanity and mental health is not worth sacrificing to someone who doesn’t give AF about you and will likely replace you at the end of the day
Avoid avoidant people, they will tear your world & self-worth apart & you will end up doubting your very existence!
My god....😕
I got second hand embarrassment from this
Bit of hypocrisy in that statement. l see it very frequently in the comment sections of videos regarding this topic.
Not saying you're wrong tho, but l'm not going to judge all "avoidant" people based on a generalisation like this and turn into one myself.
My current bf is definitely avoidant and l do have my limits and boundries. Soon l'll be asking him what he wants out of this in the long term and if he wants me he's going to have to actually be in it.
l might lose him but that'll also mean he'll lose me.
Let me sum this up from where I stand… if your not going to adult, which means it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to deal with your trauma and attachment issue so that you don’t do irreparable damage to someone who is just trying to come in and love you, F *** that!
I feel people are using their attachment styles as a way to avoid accountability. If your not gonna meet someone at the table then don’t sit down at the table to being with. Go to therapy , do what you need to do, and then sit down with the understanding you will be held accountable, need to reciprocate and act like an adult. Plain and simple. I’m sorry, I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s attachment style. We all have s***. Your an adult now. Get the help, be insightful and take responsibility and do your partner correctly as a PARTNER should!
Bingo! You cannot set yourself on fire to keep them warm. As much as I loved him, my mental health and self-worth come first. We ALL have deep wounds/fears and attachment styles - but I am not a coward and I have the courage to handle my s**t.
Oh my goodness!!
Well said!!!!! 🏆
I was just in a relationship with a DÁ and I am the one getting Therapy
He literally drove me nuts!!!!!
Same here, was fine in myself before meeting him and now questioning myself. It's incredibly damaging.
Good luck as soon as many very unhealthy people! Most people are not introspective at all!
I am married to an avoidant partner. After 6 years of a push-pull relationship, with him neglecting my needs but expecting I fulfill his, I left him. It was only after he found himself alone, with no real support system, that he repented and came back for me and the kids. He is slowly learning to open up and to accept that a simple request or reminder from me does not make me needy nor suffocating. I get it though--my husband's mother is needy and his ex's were needy. He has projected them onto me. He is slowly doing the work to recognize his traumas and triggers.
Glad to hear you shifted something for yourself and your children and happy to hear he is doing the work on himself! I’m hoping things continue to get better and better for you all. ❤
His mother and all his exes were needy, eh? 🤨
how much time did it take to come back ? after he left ?
I feel your pain. My wife is the avoidant one. And her mommy and daddy are rich. So our last fight we had she took my son and fled to her parents. She will never come to her senses because she will never understand what it's like to not have mommy and daddy to be there to rescue her. And she knows what she's doing to me, and as a result she told me "if you're really that unhappy, then maybe you should just leave".
My wife stayed in abusive relationships with 3 men for 4 years each and all of them cheated on her. So now that she has a good man in her life, she cannot bond with him because she's too busy avoiding her issues. So I get stuck alone living with a woman who I cannot touch or talk to.
Being in a relationship with a FA is like being with someone but feeling completely alone. You have moments of intimacy and closeness but they are quickly followed with equal amounts of distance and neglect that would make even the most secure person feel uncertain triggering any underlying feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, or guilt. It's a personal hell for both parties. One, desperately in need of affection and love but terrified of closeness. For the other also in need of closeness, reassurance, and certainty. Both wanting closeness, both wanting love, and ultimately both being afraid the other will walk away but ironically trigger each other. It's the greatest and most heartbreaking love story of all time. Like a brick wall in between two people who desperately want to love each other. We must remember that control is an illusion and if these two are truly meant to be together they will each individually do the work to heal and become a secure partner for the other.
And it's all the avoidants fault.
You nailed this on the head
@emilytee67 WOW! Having been in this kind of relationship for about 50 years until "death did us part" I often had the feeling I was living in Dante's Inferno. While I never really questioned that my husband and I truly loved each other (Who else would you find yourself in such a situation with?), I found it more than puzzling. What the hell was going on here????!!!!!! As we grew older, together and not together, I did what I needed to do to save myself.
#1. I told him that since we were old, I was not going to leave him - out of basic human decentcy. (Apparently that was a reassurance he needed, as a small smile peeped out on his lips. You have to remember old people without a "protector" are in potential danger of being institutionalized; that was true for both of us.)
#2. I set about doing the things I loved to do, things I had partially curtailed because of his reaction to them. ( OH GLORY! MY LIFE RESTORED & RENEWED!)
#3. I told him it was time for him to "update his files". In my life I had seen people never come to terms with traumas that had happened to them when they were young, no matter how old they got. "Update your files" meant "look at your life now to see if the same conditions exist now as had existed when you were young." ( This recognizes that adaptations which were appropriate at a younger stage of life might not be appropriate now.)
To my surprise, he actually did this. It was as if he had been waiting for me to figure out how to get US out of the mess we were in. He went off by himself for hours and hours and emerged each day with insights for several months. I just accepted them matter-of-factly. It was important that he was coming to recognize that he lived in a different world than he had lived in when he was young.
#4. I told him his vascillating between loving and contemptuous hurt me deeply, and I could no longer cooperate with and bear this abuse. I couldn't take it anymore. (My love for him depended upon his consistent acceptance of my love for him.)
In the way of these things, he was pained that he had hurt me so, and he understood and was deeply sorry for it. His empathy with my pain showed his love for me.
We lived the last year of his life in a kind of scary new world of relationship. I say scary because I could see he had totally opened himself and trusted me, and he was much more sensitive than I had any hint of in 50 years of marriage. He treated me as if I were lovely. But, I am not without flaws - a fact I know so well - and it takes me a while to adapt to new situations. This was a new situation. But I had to have faith he would be as understanding as I was trying to be. And so, the last few months of his life, we were kind and loving to each other.
It was beautiful.
I only wish I had had more time with him, and maybe I could have actually been able to become lovely.
@emilytee67 - Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Your tragic, romantic vision is so true.
Coming back to this 3 weeks later. I've recognised this type of relationship is toxic and one partner has narcissistic tendencies. You don't have to put up with this push-pull bullshit. Its a form of manipulation that can really fuck with your head. I got rid of the girl doing this to me and have been speaking to a therapist.
It's either a hell yeah or a hell no. This is trauma bonding.
They don't feel empathy in the same way you do.
Dangerous advise to advise that a secure person will help the avoida become secure. In most cases, the avoidant will do such harm to the secure person that the secure person becomes insecure from the neglect, gaslighting, and ghosting , and disconnection. This is Dangerous. Avoidants can make secure people question their reality to the point of depression or suicide.
You are talking about a narcissist... not all avoidants are narcissistic
Exactly what I heard over and over again… that the avoidant rather makes the secure anxious. Or that a secure person wouldn’t even choose that type of relationship.
This is true.
Exactly what happened to me
Holy shit I felt this in my bones. This is literally what I'm going through. Dear God. Im married to one and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Wow, so they expect you to tiptoe around their fragile ego, and even when you do this, and they're uncomfortable you're the villain and they run! So basically, shut up, ignore any issues while you shrink yourself to fit their needs until you're all used up and they decided you're a monster for speaking up and discard you! 🤔🤯🙄 RUN! Absolutely RUN! No one absolutely no one should go through this type of abuse.
Very well put!! That just about sums it up for me 🤦♀️
Love should be understood from both sides.
You sound unsensitive and eager to just give gifts and get on with the act .
Guess avoidants need to be paired with other fragiles. Cuz avoidants wont judge , be honest and trustworthy.
@@tpilot_error404 your words not mine “love should be understood from both sides”, yet the other person expects you to roll over 🤔🙄👌👉NOPE!
Sounds a lot like narcissism
@@Ssssssmmmmmmmmm a narcisst wont run , they want to be needed and adored.
An avoident is independent.
One is motivated by selfishness ,envy and greed. The other by self preservation and defence.
As an anxious attachment person who was married to an avoidant for nearly 2 decades.. it wasn't that I needed constant reassurance or constant affirmation.. it was that I needed SOMETHING... anything other than ZERO affection.. affection was offensive to her.. I will do my best to never get into a relationship with an avoidant ever again.. and work on becoming more secure myself in the mean time.. after years of being the one doing all the heavy lifting.. I finally got worn down.. I couldn't carry the relationship by myself any longer.. when I pulled back.. we were done
2 decades?? Oh no!! Hope you got out finally!🙏
I'm sorry you had to go through this for two decades, truly I am. Sending much love your way. I am of the same opinion as you, especially in the first sentence there, its not that we need constant reassurance or affimation, but at the very least, the BASICS that you would assume two people would do and say for each other while being in a relationship would be enough. Just a little bit of emotional reassurance if you are feeling down. Someone to hear you out. Someone to actually give you some 1 on 1 time. Its like asking for the world if you are talking to the DAs that I have met at least.
Did they ever try to "fight for you" or the relationship?
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
@@mmt2310DA's don't fight they run in the opposite direction they perceive the conflict coming from. They are all some type of hybrid cowardly narcs.
I have been with my avoidant partner for 14 years now. No break ups. No serious fall outs. I used to be a very anxiously attached person but getting together with him actually really changed that. We really connected on a level I have never connected with anyone. The little bit of anxiousness that I would let show through at the beginning I could see was very intolerable for him. I also started to recognize that when he was emotionally triggered or even just in a off mood, that I needed to give him his space to “self soothe” so to speak. So I would just keep to myself but most importantly I would maintain my mood despite what his was. The worst thing you can do is show an avoidant that their mood is triggering you to be in a bad mood and bringing you down. That gives them too much responsibility for how you feel and can be an emotional trigger within itself.
I am very careful about accusing him or criticizing him. I focus on his positive aspects and use that as a source of bringing more of those out. Positive reinforcement.
I always frame things from my point of view in terms of how I’m feeling and I do not push for him to talk or open up EVER. The more I let my independence shine through and give him his, the more he comes around and opens up when HE is ready. That is the key. And he does, almost every time. When I start to recognize that my affection towards him becomes too much and he pulls back a little bit, I give him space and just focus on my own thing. I do not rely on him for how I feel or for reassurance. I fill my own cup. Avoidants tend to really respect this about their partner bc they can barely manage their own emotions, let alone be responsible for managing yours.
We are going strong after 14 years without any serious problems and still have a passionate and intimate connection. This can work. Since I have met him, I have transformed from being anxiously attached to securely attached or unattached however you want to word it. Learning how to make it work with him has actually really helped me to pull out of the anxiously attached style. I know this sounds like a lot of work and people call me crazy when I tell them that their partner is not responsible for how they feel. But I hold strong opinion that in order to be securely attached you have to understand that no one else is responsible for your moods or how you feel. Only you can control you and no one else. We have worked so well together because of my ability to read him and know when to stay in my lane and give him the time and space he needs without worrying about what’s wrong or if it’s me. You also really need to understand when they do withdraw and get emotional it almost mostly never is personally against you. If you can drop that whole idea that it’s about you and personal, you can allow them the time they need to open up and feel safe
Finally, a positive storyon avoidants. Thank you so much for this.
@@nataliemakube4301 ❤️
This gives me great hope! My guy was finally opening up to me and I admit, I was "pushy" into he beginning and finally understood his pov. He's a sweet guy and I was starting to fall in love but he broke up with me on Monday. I told him that I admit things I need caused him to withdraw and I now know I shouldn't have "needed" him to soothe me.
I asked him if he would reconsider a reconcile and he said he thinks it's best we move on (plus he's going through personal things atm) . I don't want us to end it I have seem great improvement on both of our sides (miscommunication issues)... from you're experience,do you think he'll come back to me? I really did start to love him (we dated 6 months but he has withdrawn about 4 times now)
Another question: I'm giving him the break up (since he asked tk break up) and I want to know if this will make him reconsider getting back as well ( since I'm giving him his space)
@@Nigerian_geh this is really hard to say. I would love to say that it will work but it just depends on him and how far into his avoidance he really is. I think you are doing the best thing you can do and no contact is going to be your best chance. That means, no contact at all. No comments on social media, no random “how are you doing” or “I’m thinking about you texts”. Nothing. Complete silence. Give it time. To you a few days or a week can feel like forever but to them, it could take a whole month before they realize that you distanced yourself. I’m not suggesting you wait it out for him and put your life on hold, you need to keep moving forward and just do your thing. You don’t have to date or seek out another relationship right away or anything. In fact, if your feeling in love with this guy, I wouldn’t suggest doing that until you feel like you have really come to terms with your break up. It’s like the old saying “if you love someone, let them go, if they come back, they are yours”. That doesn’t always hold true but Avoidants really do not take words to heart. You can tell him you have realized that you were too pushy or needy of him and you will back off, that isn’t going to do it for him. He needs to see this. So if he does come back, it’s important to remember this and to have your own life and independence separate from him. I know a lot of people do not like this idea and disagree with it but it worked so well for me and eventually the dynamic changed once my partner truly opened himself to me but I let him initiate everything. I was always indifferent to when we hung out, when we have sex, when we said “love you”. I would let him initiate the open conversations and most important when I knew he needed space, I would give that to him until HE was ready to talk. This can be very difficult but if you really accept and embrace that you are your own person and responsible for your own feelings and do not need to rely on him to feel “good” it’s easier. I hope it does work out for you but I do not have a lot of experience with this aspect of it because we never went through the breaking up process. Keep me updated please!! 😊
She’d go days without returning my text and didn’t understand why I was upset. Nobody is that busy that they can’t text a couple of words like ‘Hi , I’m doing fine. We were in a relationship but I never felt like she was there. How can anyone go days without communicating with someone they so called care about? I put so much into it. I just felt as though she just didn’t have it in her to match my energy. I really feel sad for her because she’s really a nice person but she’s emotionally damaged.
I feel you bro . Just move on from her. She ain't worth your time ur health matters
It may sound petty but I broke up with my DA over an unanswered text. Not because of one unanswered text and not because I'm so needy that I needed him to reply immediately. I broke up because of the continued pattern of neglect and dismissive disregard for me was finally too much. After 5 days of no communication, I took time (I'm busy too, right?) to reach out to say I cared and was thinking of him but it meant nothing apparently. He left my text unanswered for 6 hours and then of course by midnight I knew he had gone to bed - having chosen to ignore me. (I could see he was online through the night). The way that made me feel was so bad, and I had felt that way so many times, that I just said to myself: " No more! I never want to feel this way again and this behavior is the reason why I feel this way." I unplugged.
@@keshavadasagood for you! I just did the same. It doesn't make the loss any less painful, but only a week out and I realize I'm doing ok.
You sound desperate and needy bro. Move on!
I can relate 100%. My avoidant man was okay not texting/calling for 5 days plus. I told him how much him not replying to my texts bothers me and he would adjust only to go back a while later. I felt he didn’t care about me. When I needed support he kinda ran away. I eventually left because I knew no matter how much I liked him he couldn’t give me what I needed. It’s heartbreaking .. but better now than being married and with kids.
Fearful-Avoidant here 👋🏻 I’d like to say to all the people that are saying avoid this type of person, it’s not bad advice. I get it and I almost recommend it. We are very complicated and it takes a special type of patience to deal with us. I just learned this week that this is my attachment style, and to hear so much about an experience and it be so accurate to mine feels incredibly validating and a total epiphany for me. It’s actually very humbling bc I’m no longer offended by some of the negative things said about me in regards to how I’ve handled past and present relationship endeavors, or any of these comments for that matter. It no longer feels personal bc I no longer feel completely powerless to my experience. It actually gives me hope because I see that I’m not crazy, just a bit broken, and I can make sense of the chaos and confusion. I’m currently in a relationship that has triggered my attachment style out the wazoo. I broke up with him twice. He still wants to be with me. After finding out this is my attachment style I have told my partner that this will be difficult for him, and if at any point it becomes too much or it’s not what he wants he can leave and I will understand and I will not hold it against him. And I want to say that to all of you, that your frustration towards people like me is so understandable and I’m sorry for all the hurt you’ve been through. And you don’t have to put yourself through that if you don’t want to. But here I am, someone that deeply struggles but wants to heal. I still question whether I actually like my partner or want to be with them but there’s a very small voice telling me to stay and worth through this. And if it is “all in my head”, healing will be worth it. If not for this person, but the next. And for all relationships in my life, not just romantic.
Thank you for sharing this. As an anxious person, hearing this from a FA is very validating as we sometimes feel crazy after an encounter with a FA or DA. I hope you continue to heal and hope the best for yourself and your partner.
@@Stellaxxmthank you so much!
I applaud you for being one of the avoidants who is taking accountability. Most avoidants just come on these videos to get defensive to all the hurt they caused other people. Its refreshing to see you own up it.
@@AvoidantcoperAvoidants probably get defensive because 99% of the comments on videos like these demonize them. It's quite disappointing. Did these commenters come to watch a video, learn, and empathize? Or just to complain and vent?
Well done this was courageous comment here. And I wish you all the best in healing your trauma and reshaping your attachment style. Keep going with it and each time you fail also recognise how far you've come and the positives and tweak it a bit more, with commitment self love forgiveness and consistancy you CAN do it! Life will improve 💫💫🌟
A relationship with an avoidant will ruin your life. When you know about attachment styles, you will not enter this relationship or you will leave early. For me it is 3 years later and I am still struggling. I provide all the support but never get any back. It becomes so difficult to leave when you understand their attachment style but become so unhappy and sick from receiving nothing back and feeling gagged because you cannot even voice how you feel anymore as they pull back more when you do. I tried to introduce my avoidant to attachment theory and he felt accused and pulled back even more. It is now 2 weeks of me trying to end this relationship. I feel so bad like I am abandoning him. But knowing deep down that nothing will change and that things will always go back to this will me strong. I love you E but I just cannot do this anymore.
At first he was really loving so I had no idea he's an avoidant. I can't understand if the emotional and verbal abuse (blaming, not accepting responsibility, telling me this reason is not important enough to argue about, gaslight, calling names etc) was his true self or him being in pressure. I tried so hard to make it work and I wanted to leave after he called me names and disappeared for days but he seemed to understand his mistake and I wanted to give it a last chance. He ended up leaving me 3 weeks later on my birthday
In mid-October, seemingly because of an unanswered text, I walked away from my avoidant. I just couldn't take it anymore. It really wasn't about the single text but about the pattern that was exemplified by that last straw of an unanswered text. I had poured my whole heart into him and invited him to be a part of my life in a much more integrated and holistic way, but he maintained an arms-length distance throughout. He drew close when he needed me, but after he got what he needed he would disappear. My attention was an oasis that he could draw from, but I got very little in return. The anxiety that this produced, the sense of walking on eggshells and not knowing where I stood, after nearly two years finally drove me to unplug. So I'm the one who disconnected from him, as a form of self-care and self-rescue. But knowing how much this had to have hurt him, I'm devastated. I could never intentionally hurt him but I know this hurt him tremendously. He has blocked me and is not talking to me. The inability to communicate and reassure him that I do love him is extremely difficult. I know he's using this as a justification for his distrust of deeper connection.
Nobody can tell you what to do, but either way you choose trust it
You're saving yourself. Not abandoning him.
We need more than❤, respect,empathy, communication skills
Run! Run! They will ruin your life and not care. They don’t want to change or work on anything. Leave please save yourself.
Turns! ❤. I approve this message!
Yep 💯
Do you find that avoidants will often nurture other relationships, such as friendships, like as distractions, instead of going deep with the romantic relationship because it’s easy to keep things surface and light and they have more control?
Yes they value friendships more
Yes they will basically put everything and everyone before you to keep you at arms length
Yes, this was my ex, she described those relationships as “easier” granted, she told me she never really opened up with her friends like she did with me.
I don’t think so. I think they keep their friendships, family relationships just as much at a distance if not more. At least my partner does, the closer him and I became and he became more comfortable and open with me, the more he pushed away other relationships. He used to make a point to talk to his mom and sisters all the time and include them in a lot more than he does now. As he opened up, he explained to me the resentments he feels towards his parents and how he would have these emotional break down as a kid and no one ever helped him to manage or soothe himself. He didn’t understand what was going on with him and he learned really fast that he was left to his own devices emotionally. When he was finally showing the unconditional kind of love with me that he said he said he had never been shown, it actually built more resentments toward his family. He’s working on it though.
@@astridlove2327 i find their interactions with friends and family are also surface level. There’s no real openness and depth there
The best way to describe dating an avoidant is like to squeeze water out of a stone 😂 impossible to get anything out of it no matter how you try 😂
Very well said!!!!
Think there are more avoidants now adays. The one thing avoidants,anxious, need to aim for secure and self aware. Lots of blaming blaming on avoidants, I understand why.. but its often people need to say ok.. leave or work with them and be secure
lol good visual! Ty 😊
100%!!
No one should say help anyone! If not married then just say good by and tell them what you see and then the ball is in their court.
I just got love bombed by an avoidant imo. Examples were making big plans for future, talking about serious things right away, talking non-stop at first from morning to night ,talking about how it's fate we met, all this crap in common etc. Then after a month or two it's just me reaching out. Then I want to much from em and it's a problem, oh I'm needy?.....Pfff ok.. Bye , hope you get what you're looking for ✌️lol
My advice is avoid the avoidant especially if you're anxious ,there's nothing worse in a relationship than feeling alone in someone's presence. Avoidant behavior won't change unless they want to, you WON'T be able to help them... Help yourself and gtfo
@Flagirl1985 ya online without even meeting is creepy to get love bombed fr. You were probably smart to run. For me at the time I felt like this person just wanted to know if we were compatible and I actually really liked them so I brushed it off and kinda got into it. HUGE MISTAKE. I'll never truly trust what people say especially in beginning, it's all about what they do
Oh my gossshh I also got the same thing! Exactly every single thing that what you've said!
@Flagirl1985 none of that behavior was that of an Avoidant.
@Flagirl1985 nope...I've met plenty. What you described were behaviors more of an Anxious more than and Avoidant, IMO. That's really just terminology and semantica though. The take home message either way, avoid toxic people.
@Flagirl1985 what you described was overattentiveness. You bailed based on some anticipated future sharing problems. If anything, it seems like he was way too eager, which contradics Avoidants' behavior. Since it only took you three days, that seems extremely quick to conclude he would be incapable of sharing their emotions. Three days is REALLY fast!
Best advice I’ve gotten on every video I’ve watched on the avoidant attachment style is to RUN!!!!
I experienced SO much of this while I was dating an Avoidant. Including how they loved when I was there to support them when they went through difficult times, but they could not or would not reciprocate and support me when I went through similar difficult times. They couldn't even acknowledge this. It was awful.
Agreed
I had the exact same experience
Agree. I had the same exp. U re not alone
Just my personal opinion, all DA's are some type of cowardly hybrid narcs that will always run in the opposite direction they perceive the conflict coming from, therefore there will never be any healthy resolution to any conflict. Run....don't walk.
It’s like they lack empathy
Accepting where they are at, never lower your standards. We all deserve happiness not suffering.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔
Contert her right now 💌.....
十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...
Why would anyone want to prolong a relationship with a person with an avoidant attachment style? It’s an emotionally abusive relationship. Cut your losses.
Because you love them and once you are able to see the pattern you're already invested in them and so you are patient and try to reason with them. They might say they'll change which will prolong things even more and there's also the victim blaming, the gaslighting, verbal abuse and the king of all, stonewalling Which will trigger an anxious person
Love. I left but my heart is shattered and knowing I hurt him as well by leaving only makes it worst. I “proved” his distrust in humans by also leaving. The guilt is killing me but I’m trying my best to move on with life.
Yep just leave and do it quickly. They need to be alone anyway although they will likely just move on to the next and never really be alone and properly heal
There's some giant holes in the understanding the DA style in this video.
Its not a victim mentality of "why does this always happen to me?", It's more frustration and confusion like "why is this so difficult for me but so easy for everyone around me?".
Its not "why can't I find anyone to love me?" PLENTY of people love avoidants, and its very obvious and we all see it plainly. Its more like "why can't i find the right person for me?" And not realizing there is no one fully compatible person and that you have to communicate and compromise...which has 2 barriers:
1. Knowing that you have to communicate and compromise
2. Knowing HOW to communicate and compromise
I was interested when I discovered that DA traits overlap with autistic traits by about two thirds!
Bro this is so spot on. I have Fearful Avoidant attachment but didn’t know it for years until I was faced with a really decent person who I’m also compatible with and I realized I didn’t have a “valid” reason to escape the relationship
Avoidants don't actually want to communicate or compromise lest they lose their "independence". If they were willing to communicate and compromise at the sacrifice of their independence for a relationship, they would no longer be avoidant, and therefore would find a compatible person. Which means avoidants don't find a compatible partner, they let go of their avoidant self and become a healthy secure person. Healthy secure persons find a compatible partner, not avoidants.
This concept doesn’t work. I’m securely attached my avoidant made me more anxious overtime because they’re stubborn incapable of compromising and don’t validate
Same.
The effect they can have even on secure attached people is widely underestimated, imo.
@@annebananne6835 attachment style is relevant but I think it's an avoidance of intimacy - intimacy issues
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔
Contert her right now 💌.....
@@Anna-ei9ng the intimacy gets taken away and you are left devastated and confused. Then it starts to mess with your self esteem. It's 💔
Just broke it off with a guy who is a avoidant. Glad I experienced this so now I know to run in the beginning❤
I'm dealing with an avoidend now. Hard. Constantly up and down. Barely communicative. I am drained emotionally, mentally, emotionally even spiritually.
I know…it’s so very exhausting
See I have experience with an avoidant for 4 years.....
Just leave it
We deserve better people
I tried to even help them fix their issue ....but we are not psychiatrists ok.
All my love always went waste....ik they too love me but in their way...which is not the good way..atleast for us
@Eu Mesma
Me too, have recently gotten engaged. Still have lack of communication, not responding to txts. Even said we won't live together when we get married. It's long distance as well. Mentally draining
Yes, they drain you on every level
@@beaker7353you won't live together with them when you get married? That's weird, are they overseas?? Sounds like a scam. Why are you "marrying" this person? Doesn't sound like a marriage.
Even for the secure their constant need for space and distance can be hurtful. A secure response is to allow them that space in a non resentful way, tell them about your boundaries in the way that is logical and warm without accusation. They feel very theartened by emotional pressure and in consistency. You have to have cast iron confidence, trust in them and patience to make it work. It is a tough act for anyone
Doubtful a secure person would be in a relationship with an avoidant
Understanding who they are vs knowing what you need are two different things. I truly feel bad for them because my FA ex clearly had tried very hard to change himself (without professional help) and craved for love. But even the most secure people also need healthy communication and reassurance from time to time. It feels like a one-side road, we keep giving and they keep taking. And when we crashed and need support, they pull away.
If your with an avoidant… RUN 🏃♂️
It’s never healthy. It’s bad advice if he pull away you pull away. It’s always having a relationship on their terms. So, when things get tough, they run. Advice is give them space, WTH. Nope. They will never can truly be in a healthy, loving, committed relationship.
@@yswen828 Avoidants can love casually. But not committed. Committment is an avoidant's NUMBER 1 NIGHTMARE! So why would an avoidant ever want that? I know that in reality these people 100% lack self awareness and because of that they seek what they fear... Yet keep repeating these cycles... And WONDERING WHY IT ALWAYS HAPPENS! ''Why I never find the right one?'' It's an ultimate victim mindset. 0 responsibility, 0 self awareness. That's why it never works.... Not even with secure people.
@@nugget6635 totally true. It was such a painful experience.
@@nugget6635 no one else has said it better 🙌
These coaches keep them in the victim coochiecoochie mode.
They will never learn if nobody acts like a human with feelings around them so they wont get hurt.
It is like being with a todler that never grows up.
Truuue. Avoidants often complain that their partners won't even give the space that they need but won't tell their partner that they have this "need". They just disappear out of nowhere, getting their "space fix" and expect their partner to read between the lines without realizing their partner has a need for intimacy too. 😢
I'm in love with an avoidant. She's walked away twice. Sick of being rejected. I'm out, I deserve much better
You do bro, how are you doing now?
I just had a breakup with an avoidant. We were really on and off and they kept coming and leaving. Glad that I found this video. Also in some of the university classes I’m taking are also teaching about attachment styles. This definitely fits how my ex was. I honestly hope they heal their wounds and not hurt others just because of their childhood trauma.
There are billions of ppl on this earth and life is too short.. keep it moving
A healthy relationship should be one of give and take, reciprocrating, not one person doing the communicating, chasing, work e.t.c if they can' t do that I pull my energy back and out then leave, there' s only so much you can deal with and I can' t and won' t deal with someone like that. A person like that is more like a project, I think they really need therapy to work on their issues not a relationship.
If you want to be with such a person, you're basically sick and actually need healing first. Not a relationship. These people too are sick and stuck in serious emotional infancy. When I got that I got free. I cut my avoidant loose for good but we work together and he is now hoovering around me permanently. Well finally I'm done and he has to deal with his own shit now. He had a great opportunity because I'm a decent person but he's lost it. His regret is tangible but unfortunately for him I won't budge .
After almost 20 yrs, I think I’m becoming an avoidant. I was the opposite…but having to survive this loveless life, I have to adjust. Don’t rush it. Don’t settle. If you place urself, where you just don’t fit, you could become stuck.
🕊️
They will never commit, they are wired in a way we never fully understand.
They are damaged, and will damage you too.
Stay away from them before you get kids or a mortgage with them.
Mark my words, you'll end up drained from your energy if you keep on hoping and trying with them.
In other words, dont have any needs, dont express any concerns, dont call out their bad behavior and a good dose of losing sence of self is what all of these hybrid narcs are looking for...no thanks. Run....dont walk.
Spot on🥲. He told me I love to argue and create problems and he's tired of trying to solve problems I made and that I should argue only about important things. In the meanwhile I'd say an issue and he would get angry, change the topic, stonewall etc so instead of it being solved in an hour at most, it would take days
True, with my ex , who used to keep avoiding discussion about issues, our problems continued to go for weeks , and later on to find out that it got solved withing just 30 minutes of clearly discussing things face to face . And later on she used to use it for her own benifit , and complain that i was the one who was making issues big and i was messing things up.
And for darn sure do not become ill and vulnerable because they will make you feel like a burden .
Hybrid narcs. I love this!!!
@@thisdivinefeminine632 same. Had myself a chuckle on that one.
This video is spot on, I've just broken up with a DA and it was exactly like this, in the end it was the total lack of reciprocal emotion that killed it for me and I had to end it as it was making me ill, I was putting 100% in and getting 0% back. It too 3 months to reach its peak then 2 months to reach hell.
That’s pretty much the same timeframe I have. I do feel stupid for going through this, knowing that things seemed off in the beginning.
It doesn't matter what an avoidant wants if you just don't date avoidants. :) I really think, rather than investing time in how to make insecure relationships work, the winning strategy is just to heal one's own attachment system and then exclusively date other secure people. I don't see what the upside is of wasting the amount of effort required to make anything even halfway functional with a DA. You're never gonna get any real reciprocation from them. Fortunately for them, they're every bit as capable of healing to security if they're willing to do the work.
Here’s the problem in my opinion… great video btw very spot on. The thing is the secure person never stays long enough for the avoidant to change.. and that’s the saddest fact. Secures usually avoid avoidants.. or else the self fulfilling and the all mighty anxious avoidant reap.
I am secure. I left after 4 months without showing any anxious behaviors because the girl I was dating was an emotional brick wall. I agree with the whole video besides the last part.
I do not think and this is me personally.. I do not think an avoidant being with a secure will turn them secure. Will they be less avoidant? Yea sure at first.. but a relationship needs to develop at some point and get serious.. this is where avoidants struggle and distance. They are afraid of emotional intimacy.. and closeness. A relationship without this doesn’t work and eventually the secure leaves the avoidant because a lot of them fail to connect or commit. Even if the theory is true that the avoidant will eventually lean secure.. it’s not in months time.
My opinion though long term subscriber love your videos
I think this is a valid point. I do believe an avoidant with an EARNED secure is different and that can work. I’ve heard this on other videos. The notion that someone has changed and earned secure attachment resonates with an avoidant if they ARE ON a healing journey. If they aren’t it won’t mean anything. I come from this from experience. I’m reconciling with my avoidant ex who is actively trying her best to heal 🙏🤞at same time I have worked hard to go from anxious to secure over many years (I do have blips). She’s been getting into AT at her own behest. I believe the earned nature changes the context. Earned secures empathise with the journey and are more empathetic to stick around as they have done it too. Likewise avoidants around an earned secure see someone who is self aware and working on themselves as they are. I believe Chris was referring to earned secure and I believe that is actually a second type of secure attachment.
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I have been with 3 avoidants. I started secure for my first 2. But my last girl I got in too deep and started to get anxious. I’m my opinion this is like addiction. Step 1 is putting 2 and 2 together that they are not right in how they make partners feel. Avoidants are toxic 9 of 10 times. But not to themselves. The only way they can ever change is if they suffer, that’s why no contact is good when they flip the switch. I was with a very avoidant person 9 years. They left 3 weeks ago. I reached out in the beginning and we met and had the spark. Then they went away. Now I’m not calling her unless she does me and I won’t get back with her until she does therapy and couples therapy, that’s what I will say if she works back in. I love you and we have been through it all, great intimacy when she comes in hot, space on the way out for my hobbies. Lol. This time though she started talking to a man. 15 years older than me, very very unattractive . No sex yet when I talked to her. If she does I told her I’m out forever. See what she decides. Very sad in her case menopause and mental health to boot. I will give her the shot and made it very clear. Deep down I don’t want to lose her. She is a huge pain in my ass - but she is worth it to me. If she goes I might find an anxious attachment woman. I always wanted that. I can do kinda close but really close is pretty great. Got their with my girl, next day she was unsure if she loved me. That’s sad
They do need to seek counseling however they won't because they're comfortable in the victim role, and counseling would force them to take accountability for their actions.
I don’t think a secure person would put up with an avoidant repeatedly discarding them for long enough to make a difference.
Guess I'm so avoidant that I've never even bothered to get into a relationship. The thought of negotiating time, needs, wants, resources with another person just drives me up the wall.
After married to an avoidant for a decade I realize how much I am traumatized. I find myself distancing myself from people and asking ever so often “Do you need space?” “Do you need alone time?” Until they tell me they are perfectly fine with me around which surprises me. I used to be comfortable around people, now I am always afraid that my presence would make the other person feel suffocated. I remember I tried so hard to remove my presence as much as possible so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable. I even tried to breathe more quietly. True that I also learned a lot about myself and the world through my marriage, but also it caused a lot of damage. It’s very difficult to explain to anyone who hasn’t had the same experience
I hope things are finally getting better for you and your partner. i hope you don't lose your sense of self because of your marriage.
A healthy relationship for a da means its all abou them, their needs, wishes etc etc. As long as u dont want anything from them, they will be fine but as soon as you want something from them or pull away because they cant give you what you want they will get angry or leave you. These people are crazy!!!
Yes and everything you say as you coddle and walk on eggshells is a criticism. I remember even asking to see him more bc I missed him was nitpicking him. “No dude, I just want to see you more than a few hours a week. You’re ridiculous!”. Maybe it’s bc we actually give a crap
@@Eg-jd9zte too broke up with me because we only saw each other 2 times a week and I wanted more so I was getting cold on him when we were out. I also asked him to go to the sea all the time because I had no one to go with amd he didn't want to. He left me because of "pressuring him and not understanding it's because of his job". Unfortunately I was shocked and we were almost a year together so I cried and apologized. He still left because he said he can't give me what I want and he's not enough, but came back the next day.
They are crazy fr. They repeatedly do da same thing & expect different results.
Because they are infants basically
Pin point accurate
So basically I have to be perfect and do and be what the other person wants. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be secrure. But it’s difficult to show love and be happy when I’m getting stonewalled and partner disappears for space and I’m supposed to stay in a relationship. I was pretty secure but not having any notmal conversations and my partner getting angry at everything is becoming triggering. It just makes me wish I never met him because I didn’t plan on going through another breakup again.
Run!! Avoidants will bring you nothing but heartache. I was with one for two years, I never felt so lonely in a relationship as I was with her. It's taken me months to recover from the emotional damage she caused me. You deserve someone to love you. move on.
It's not worth it girl. I entered my last relationship feeling pretty confident and good about myself, and left it feeling an insecure mess because of his intimacy issues, insecurities, projection and silent treatments. It took me a whole year after the breakup to start feeling like myself again. Leaving is not easy, I surely didn't want to, so I understand wanting to bet agaisnt the odds, but the biggest issue is that these kind of people do mess up your mental health and sense of self worth if you stay too long, so for that reason I can say with certainty that it is really not worth it if you're noticing these patterns.
@@Frank-tj5de Exactly, it is reassuring to hear other people stories, but it's crazy that it takes us so long to feel normal again after being with someone like that. They project their crap on us so much that by the time we leave, we have become a mess just like them.
Litterly the begginging is perfect lots of passion desire love bombing for each other. Sexual chemistry, trust but then...i started to feel off like i was missing this emotional closness of intimacy, soon as i tried she had a outburns n said it over. Thats when i started to notice why is she shouting at me and stated learning about Avoident attachment. Heart broken i give my heart to someone who couldnt accept my love. She was never open or vulnerable. They block you n move onto i wish someone will "accept me for me" They see no wrong in their behavior or how they hurt those close to them. Im moving on as i know i deserve the love n respect i give out
Yes, my very avoidant partner of 4 years left the relationship a week before Christmas, while I am going through chemotherapy for stage 4 cancer. He just couldn't deal with the intensity of it all and on the day he moved out I found out that he had been in a relationship with someone else for months. He has not shown any remorse or guilt whatsoever and even blames me , saying that I should not have looked at his phone (which is how I found out). Honestly, it has been so traumatic but I can now see that I am better off without him. No accountability, no self reflection, no communication skills l, just always the focus on me and my issues. Very difficult dynamic and constant running away from conflict. Nightmare
I'm so sorry. I have often said this about my person, how would he be if i got sick when he is like this now. He also left around Christmas.
I am so sorry he did this to you when you are going through this. I hope you find someone who deserves your love. I wonder if they are also narcissistic
@@qitaeSounds pretty narcissistic. Avoidant attachment is not a diagnosis anyway, more like a social manifestation of symptoms that can be part of several mental illnesses
He didn't do that to you because he was avoidant. He was an abusive cheater.
@@swzslm1741 Check out "The body keeps the score". Complex PTSD that starts in childhood and the issues it causes hasn't been included in the DSM, the handbook for medics, bc the Pharma Complex resists it. The brain model "mental illnesses" suit them better. But they miss the real underlying causes and cures, which are behavioural.
DA’s cheat …. They’re entitled. They’re superior and in my opinion evil. It’s all wrapped up in a shinny bow for 3 months, then we all learn attachment style. They’re legends in their own minds. I’d never loved the imposter like that. The real deal, not so much. I wish him well but I think another avoidant is the only way for a DA to go. They’re aware, they don’t care. Truth
I spent 3,5 years with my ex, we split 3 years ago. I initiated the break up, as the relationship had no future, for many months my thoughts swayed between her being a covert narcissist to her being avoidant. Ive settled in her being avoidant. By far the most difficult breakup as far as putting out the embers that remained. Avoidants will leave you questioning the relationship and questioning how to open up to someone again.
I really really hate the lack of self awareness of those people. ''Why are these things happening to me?'' Figure it out Sherlock. Goddammnit.
If you spot an avoidant early on in a relationship then do yourself a favor. GTFO!!!
Dating a narcissist is bad enough. But dating an avoidant is pure hell!
They will literally break you mentally and not give a rats ass about you.
So yeah trust me. They are not worth one min of your time. They are beyond broken, and very rarely will they work on themselves. They will find a new victim or supply instead. That’s how crappy they are.
They are similar to narcissists... Kinda like the same pattern of a narcissist but instead of diverse forms of abuse, the avoidant only does stonewalling all the time. At least narcissists sometimes call us idiots or something... I actually think being ignored is far worse than being called an idiot... Because if the narcissist calls me an idiot of course I'm going to leave. However if an avoidant just stonewalls me I go crazy.
If you ask me, I think all Avoidants are some type of hybrid fked up narcs. Run...don't walk
Went from divorcing a malignant narcissist, healing myself from his abuse then into a relationship with an avoidant.. possibly another narcissist.
He ended up ghosting me recently after what I thought was a great time together .
Pattern of push pull ,sporadic communication after wonderful times together . Feeling of tenuous never knowing where I stand when leaving a date.
@@nugget6635 in terms of physiological trauma response, studies show ostracization and isolation from the group have more severe response in the body than negative attention or degradation from the group.
I manage to meet a narcissist, alcoholic, who I’m learning is avoidance. I’m pretty stable, but this has thrown me way off kilter.
Amazing concept. Except they don't communicate, nor no how to. They shut down and expect someone to be a mind reader. They lack the commitment to stay the course and work through conflict resolution. They simply avoid it. They basically want, what they cannot give.
Yes
I stopped pandering to his cycle. Walked away.
Recognised & addressed my anxious attachment style triggers & built up a brand new life of my own.
He’s had more comebacks than Elvis over the 3yrs that I’ve been working on myself lol!
Sometimes it didn’t have any effect, other times it hurt like hell, when he’d pull away.
Ultimately it was all about me seeing more about myself whilst identifying his patterns within that cycle.
Now, we are in the most amazing connection. I’m so secure because I’ve a life that totally works for me whether he’s in it or not.
He’s much less extreme in his cyclical behaviours. I don’t put up with his tantrums he uses to push me away after closeness. I ignore him. He doesn’t communicate then I assume he isn’t wanting to hear from me either.
He always comes back, usually in a few days now rather than the weeks it took at first.
Usually some cryptic message about a problem or situation he’s using as the opener. He knows I’m the only person who understands him (more than he knows!), makes him feel safe, can trust & who accepts him as he is without constantly badgering him to change.
I love him exactly as he is but I love myself more.
It’s not about whether I’m good enough for him.
It’s whether he can afford to lose me.
He can’t - simples.
I wish this could have happened to my situation but after 3 years he blocked me. I'm left heartbroken. I didn't understand what to do about this dynamic until it was too late 😢
@@marcd2743 💔
I'm happy for you that you reached a dynamic that satisfies you both and that you can live with. Personally, I would be very unsatisfied with that amount of adjusting and strategizing. I'd just want to be myself.
Have been through the same story. Your reply was inspiring and reassuring to me that I am not alone. :)
That's very interesting. But when he comes back after a few days, how does it continue?
Self-soothing is something everyone needs to learn. Being emotionally dependent on other people is a recipe for disaster. What if the person you're with leaves or even dies? How will you help yourself if you can't self-soothe?
That’s exactly why everyone loves my voice is so self soothing and calm, relax, sweet. 😮😯😮 This happens in my app reality and getting compliments due of my voice so soothing.
I'm a secure attachment, and my avoidant ex told me he wanted a relationship where we care, but we don't show we care. And that was the best description of an avoidant relationship I've ever heard. Also, no thank you.
the Love avoidant and the cycle with the anxious attacher is well outlined in more detail in a book by Pia Mellody "Facing Love Addiction: giving yourself the power to change the way you love". So eye-opening.
met one recently, and was it a nightmare haha. just leave them alone, that's what they want anyway. there's no reasoning with an avoidant. I'll never go through that emotional roller coaster again.
I was with an avoidant I guess or a covert narcissist. She loved bombed me. Was ready to move in after 2 months. She was fine up until 6 months then broke up with me. They go completely cold
I agree and you have to love how they promise you the world at first and that they can meet your needs only to be left with minimal crumbs like this isn’t what I signed up for. My new rule is 2-3 months before we are officially in a relationship, because most deactivate and start acting off into 4-6 weeks: you’ll see it early on
@@JanVill Leave them alone, that's what they want anyways... exactly how l felt when he broke up fkr the second time! its not space they want is a pass /getaway card but with the option if coming back when they've finished their money, their new interest dies down etcetc
I think the more conscious you are about attachment as a secure person; the more impact you can have; providing the avoidant is willing to work on things. It would be easy to try to accommodate the avoidants stonewalling or ghosting by thinking that you are giving them the space they need; and then find yourself in a situationship where you are neglected and they are staying in their comfort zone and not showing up.
The skill is to gently call out the behaviour and ask for what you need (without being accusatory or demanding) and be willing to walk away if they are not willing or able to meet you there. A secure person doesn’t sacrifice their own emotional needs for someone else. It’s a huge commitment that takes patience and courage. Not for the feint of heart.
How can I call out his sick behavior and ask for what I need without being accusatory or demanding or without sounding needy or naggy? It's literally frustrating me! Help me with some examples please!
Say for example that he is stone walling you. You could say: "I can see that you need some space; and I want to honour that. (acknowledging his feelings - it goes a LONG way) "However, stonewalling is not a healthy way to ask for space and Im sure you wouldn't like it if I did that to you. Could you let me know that you need space; and how much time that you need as I really value transparency and clarity? "
If he is overriding your own standards by saying that he needs a month without seeing you, you should also be able to say "that is not in line with what I would expect from a committed relationship" and then state what a reasonable time frame for you is.
Avoidants really value this kind of direction as they feel lost in the dynamics of a relationship. They really struggle to communicate.
If this isn't helpful for you you are welcome to give a clear example of what you are struggling with and I will try to help. @@ninaziva4639
Just don't date avoidants. Their ideal relationships are straight up a take-take relationship. Anxiously attached people can have a successful relationship with securely attached people, often times being securely attached in the process themselves. Avoidants are destined to die alone if they don't fix their shit. Let them.
AMEN I love you for saying this you random stranger
It's true.
So sad 😢
So people who don't validate you should die alone?
Nailed it! Screw those people.
I think the only way to move out of an unhealthy attachment requires psychotherapy such as EMDR to address the trauma that has hooks into the insecure attachment styles. I was avoidant and I was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. I entered EMDR therapy and I was able to do some really hardcore inner child work. This is where my insecurity programming started. I agree with your behavioral findings of avoidance. But, this attachment style in my experience cannot be corrected until the inner child is addressed and it is where one is able to understand the trauma and where the unhealthy concepts comes from. We do want to be loved, but I felt I was not understood. It is because I didn’t understand myself. I didn’t understand that it was the trauma that programmed me to behave this way. It was the trauma and lead to me fear rejection and abandonment. It is only after I was able to work through the trauma, was I able to see myself of who I really was. It is if trauma made me dissociate with my identity. It was like I want to love, but was is love. I have been so hurt and so if someone gets to close, I will be hurt. It’s a painstaking mindset for both parties of the relationship. I now understand these mechanisms and I am now able to be vulnerable, communicate my wants and desires. I learned about boundaries and expressing when things bother me. I am confident in my emotions. I am no longer afraid to be close. I am able to connect with others. I did a lot of work to get where I am at. But, to move into a secure attachment in my opinion, can only be achieved with aggressive therapy first. I am grateful to EMDR as it truly saved my life.
Congratulations! Healing of any sort requires monumental amounts of courage and grit. You absolutely deserve your new life and I'm sure the people around you are happy that they're able to love you. I'm glad you're finally able to fully receive the love the Universe is beaming your way.
I’m a former dismissive avoidant ,I researched it and started working on myself. I didn’t have therapy. I just realized that I deeply desire love and touch, and that I had to get out of my way to receive the truth and beauty of a real healthy relationship.i comprehend that people more specifically my man really matters and though I may not show it on emotional ways I choose day by day to be loyal to the relationship rather than retreat into myself and punish him or anyone else for invisible/not real factors. You just have to want to do the work. And it is tough being vulnerable but he makes it easy bc he is patient ,understanding and doesn’t shun me for speaking my truth.
What is the first step you took towards resolving your avoidant attachment style after recognizing it in yourself?
I’m pregnant and finding myself so clingy and suffering a lot and the fact that my partner doesn’t want to deal w my emotions just drives me more mad. 😭 How do I get out of this stupid cycle. I feel so unloved, uncared for and unseen.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! This behavior of his is completely selfish. Pregnancy puts a very heavy burden on your body and your emotions. He needs to man up, but you telling him that will probably only make it worse. Argh. I would suggest reading up on how to ask a man for what you want, which is tricky in itself, and try that, so at least you did what you could and you feel like if it falls apart, you did the best you could. Blessings to you and your baby!
Go see your mother and father often and get away from that other hell asap
@@PrepperRapperFairy mum has been abusive since I was a kid and I don’t really know my dad.
My children are the best thing that's happened to me, so I heartily congratulate you! But make sure you don't end up relying on him for money like I did. My kids are quite happy and well adjusted even though their dad is very avoidant. He loves them and there are certain ways I've encouraged their relationship, like he enjoys reading them stories. (Especially now that they're old enough for the Lord of the rings, etc)
Make an effort to build up a village around you. Different ages, etc. ❤
@@urteruddy8205 same…. Isn’t it wild we picked a partner that’s as abusive as our childhood wounds. Take this time to work on yourself. Love comes from within. Heal all your personal demons (we all have them) that way you can experience true happiness & peace. Your child deserves that ❤️
I tend to attract and be attracted to avoidants as a fearful type because we share a lot of similar traits of coping mechanisms, so we start out understanding each other. But all of these relationships went down in flames because the avoidant needed to take a lot of distance/space to regulate, and, while I don't need as much closeness as other attachment types, my fearful trigger is someone needing to take a ton of space from me.
I don't want to demonize avoidants, but I don't date them anymore. Friends? Absolutely. I get along with the personality type really well outside of romantic permutations. But in a dating scenario, my own needs can't be met by an avoidant attacher, and I'm not going to ask someone to change. When I realized it was more about knowing MY needs as opposed to being angry about how the avoidant attached, it was like a lightbulb moment where I knew I had to change my selection criteria and filter people more carefully.
I have enough work to do regarding the obstacles that come with my own attachment style-- I don't want to do double the work trying to make incompatible styles fit.
I started with an anxious attachment style and am now relatively secure with only sprinkles of anxiety when stuff gets really tough. Took a shit ton of work and nearly 20 years.
In my experience, avoidants get triggered very early on by anxious people, so that the relationship doesn't even become as close. Now that I'm more secure, they seem to feel more comfortable around me at first...until they get freaked out by the concept of reciprocity.
Since I myself am not completely there yet, the borderline narcissistic traits they tend to show then trigger my anxiousness, so no growth, just steps back for me there.
I wonder why a truly secure person would even seriously consider being in a commited relationship with an avoidant? I mean- you'll never get real intimacy with them (unless they do realise that they might be (part of) the problem and are willing to put the effort in to change)
Perhaps this paradox is the next Wonder of the World…what exactly is in it for you to be in a long term relationship with someone who really can’t reciprocate emotional intimacy.
A chance to practice unconditional love, and true altruism. If one is only in relationships, or many other things in life for what they can "get out of it", then that isn't 'unconditional', nor is it altruism.
I don't give to the homeless vagrant, because I hope he will appreciate "what I did for him", I do it so he can survive another day, no strings attached.
I don't counsel the bereaved, hoping they'll "remember I was there for them". I give freely and generously of the empathy I have, to help them through the most difficult time if their lives, no strings attached.
I don't save a wounded/ailing animal, because I hope it will become my pet.
I'm just trying to help a being live another day, no strings attached.
I love those who can't love me back, because they often need love the most-- no strings attached.
Maybe if more people were concerned about, not what they can get out of any relationship, but instead, what they CAN GIVE, ... the world would be a better place.
@@WhiskyGravy I like your answer I really do. But that’s just not how it works with being with an avoidant partner unfortunately. Your unconditional love will literally smother that partner who is a true avoidant and it will turn them off. You will literally push away the very avoidant partner who you love and you’ll get dumped. There most certainly is some sort of perceived line in the sand of give and take in healthy relationships that’s just the way it is. Or you’ll be neglected emotionally. I don’t think your examples with the homeless/Vagrant/bereaved really has anything to do with what I said…..I think you missed the point entirely
@@spedhead218 I appreciate your feedback, and kind response.
I *think* I understood your point, being about people who cannot "reciprocate in a relationship". That's why I gave the examples I did.
Some wounded people cannot 'afford' to give back, whether because they fear building ties that overwhelm them, or creating a sense of their obligation/reciprocal "niceties" to you they don't want, or just a panicked sense that, if anyone gets close and learns "the terrible 'truth' about" them, (they believe about themselves), they will be rejected, so they'll run. Again.
Self-sabotage. "Escape", rather than face rejection.
I know, because I was one of those people once.
The fact that all these defense/protection mechanisms don't ALLOW them to build intimacy/give back seems to evade many people who want to try to pursue these relationships, in order to "fix" this "broken, helpless soul".
But as you relate, "smothering" them is NOT the answer. I at least was extremely suspicious of anyone who acted to 'like' me, as I thought they couldn't be too smart, or they only wanted something FROM me... usually, they did.
Loving them How they are, Who they are, When they are, and getting "nothing" but the pure altruistic enjoyment of seeing another person survive another day successfully, IS an answer. Letting them be WHO they need to be for those days, is appreciated, I think. (Perhaps not the only one/way).
I don't feel like I get "nothing" out if it. I get satisfaction of seeing him grow, get braver, a bit more confident. But I don't need his 'payback' for that.
This is a platonic relationship (romantic relationship is likely different, I have no doubt)
It's been 4 months since we directly spoke. (In a 2 year relationship) It's only occasional texts, and I generally let him come to me. Recently, he has started contacting me more often, (which is why I'm looking at videos like this now) with fairly 'neutral' subjects, (common interests, yadda) and he knows I won't chastise him and say dumb accusatory things like "where have you been???" Or, "I thought you didn't like me anymore!?!?"
Most of the people in the group we were in (that he left) won't accept him anymore, saying he's cold, disrespectful, etc. They expect him to 'apologize', or be 'more engaging/respectful', before they would "deign" to tolerate him again....
But not me.
He and I, We just take up, where we left off. Both older... both wiser. I guess it's a strange kind of mutual respect. Like: "sup", "Sup!", "good". For me, that's enough. He's "here", right? Says it all.
I'm just always glad to see him come around, if he does, and I let him know that-- no strings attached.
It's my way of ..."putting good into the world", whether anyone notices (even him!) or not.
I also put grocery carts back in their corrals in parking lots. Lol
A little at a time.
Appreciate your input, and I'll Definitely keep all in consideration.
I'm very aware that sometimes the ones who cannot ask--nor reciprocate/pay back for help/love/understanding are the ones who need it the most.
@@WhiskyGravy Thank you for your answer. It's interesting to see that everyone here says to run away from people who are hard to be understood. Of course, i accept, that most people have an idea in their head about what kind of partner, relationship they want, and if a partner doesn't fit into this, then there is no need to try it.
But i can not accept it that they say that a person shouldn't get a chance because he or she is hard to be understood...
I have been in a "friendship" with an avoidant for 9 years and have thought about just giving up so many times for many of the reasons others have stated in these comments; HOWEVER, I cannot say I regret any of it. Yes the push/pull is still there but I have grown so much as a person. I had an insecure attachment style before but my desire to understand what's going on with him has led me to be more understanding, less clingy, less "needy." I don't need constant reassurance and don't feel the need to talk EVERYTHING through...some things yes but not everything. I have found that I am growing into more of a secure attachment style. So while I understand the difficulties of being with an avoidant, this video is dead on. All of the things listed at the end of the video were difficult at first but now they usually come pretty easily and I do see a difference in how he responds to me...not to mention that I feel more secure than I ever have in general.
Me, too. I broke up with the avoidant for not getting enough attention, etc.
I went lonewolf mode to get over him, and ended up turning into an avoidant or stoic, myself.
Really enjoy my own company and understand being alone is great.
@@yeswing10 According to the video, the goal is to become more secure. Not more avoidant
@@LadyR5394 I am more secure. I don't need attention. Enjoy my alone time.
Are avoidant and narcissists synonymous? I’ve been referring to avoidants as narcissists for the longest time. It really is a one-sided relationship where it’s all about me, me, me.
Not exactly. But they can share similar traits, and can be both at once, so unless you are well versed, it's a bit unclear.
I don't think so. They're hurting you as a byproduct of their protective mechanism, it's not on purpose for the reason that they want to hurt you.
Doesn't really make a difference in how it's received.
I SUPER APPRECIATE you vocalizing in your videos that getting back your avoidant partner isn’t a good idea and that it most likely will lead to the same result - breakup and thank you for reminding people to ask themselves WHY do they want their avoidant back. It’s so so important to understand your reasons and that alone can break you out of the cycle of suffering in a relationship with a wrong person. ❤ thank you! 🙏🏽
So on point! Youre secure ans supportive..goodness when it goes months with her not giving what she used to, kissing, love, interest. At some point its gotta be brought up. Not a sign of being anxious when the supposed anxious person was patient for months to be open amd have what we used to have.
YES!
But do you think it’s even worth it?
I’m in the same boat.
For me it makes no sense to remind someone of what yiu like and don’t like and what you need and don’t need. After 8 years , she knows what I need.
Our relationship was never tumultuous. We had our ups and downs . But she claimed a need for space and “I need to find myself”. Typical bs….
3 months of no contact .
It’s been a year since us reuniting. The affection, the quality time, the words of affirmation have dwindled.
I have always been supportive, encouraging, forgiving, loyal . I’m the guy that while she was in college and in school getting her doctorate (8years) , I cook , clean, change the oil, do laundry , care for the dog… and she never knew when she would get surprise flowers or something.
I feel it is futile. People do what they want to do and being her security blanket all these years has gone unappreciated.
Why am I so in love with her still. Or is it all a disillusion?
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔
Contert her right now 💌.....
十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...
I dont see why one should comply to their style only....... I'd rather stay on my own than commit to somebody's one-way rules. God save me from such hard work!
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔
Contert her right now 💌.....
十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...
It is very much so one way rules and its so unfair
Exactly!
A healthy relationship should be one of give and take, reciprocrating, not one person doing the communicating, chasing, work e.t.c if they can' t do that I pull my energy back and out then leave, there' s only so much you can deal with and I can' t and won' t deal with someone like that. A person like that is more like a project, I think they really need therapy to work on their issues not a relationship.
Who cares. They waste your life. They are selfish and will never hold down any relationship. Run away
They are sick ppl. It's a personality disorder. Very sick ppl. Extraordinary selfish......they are never their for you. Only their for good times.
As a Fearful Avoidant, watching this video physically hurt me, but also helped me understand myself more. Finding a therapist who understands these dynamics has been really hard for me.
So sick of complicated energy drainers. Only emotionally available for me from now on. They need Therapy lol x
Spot on! That’s exactly what happened difficult times he wants support you r there. You going through the tough time, communicate your need, you r called needy and desperate and breaks up. To fend on your own. You don’t need that 💩
Screw that. I am not a free therapist to those time wasters...
Everyone - snip this comment and save
The avoidant i know would never even dream of
therapy, hes 66 years old.
Im trying to understand him .
These video's are helping heaps.
DA, OCDP, narcissique, thoses three kind of people are worth to leave alone ....they take all that you have , even your sol 😔
I identify with being avoidant, or at least having avoidant tendencies, I there’s a couple things I wanted to bring up. I also have ASD and something that tends to come along with that is PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), so the avoidant person’s characterization of a healthy relationship was actually spot on, but I think there are a couple details that need to be added on both sides.
The biggest thing is for the avoidant, while asking for accommodation for their tendencies, also making sure that they attempt to accommodate the other person. That being said, there have definitely been times that I WANTED to open up, but because the partner would pressure me and ignore my boundaries, I literally couldn’t, even though I knew that that could help. I’d already recognized my avoidant tendencies and would ask for accommodation so that I could work past them and function in a more secure way, but my partners tended to have anxious attachment styles. I’d know that once I’d felt self and wasn’t feeling pressured, I’d want to do what they wanted or what would make them feel better and hopefully get to a point where I was no longer avoidant, but that process has to be respected. At the same time, you have to recognize that the other person needs their accommodations as well, so coming up with strategies for dealing with conflict that makes both parties feel better is a huge deal.
The biggest thing that helped was, when getting in a fight and realizing I was either starting to shut down or get close to saying things I didn’t mean to “push her away” I’d say that we needed to take a break from the argument, which would trigger their fears of abandonment. The way we worked this out was setting a time limit for the break or planning what time to come back to the discussion so that the anxious partner knows that you’re not just leaving, but rather just need a break like you asked for. Really, scheduling times to be engaged, times to come back to an argument, times to go on dates, sometimes even scheduling a time to have intercourse actually genuinely helped a lot and started making it so that we were just doing these things naturally and not needing to schedule as often.
Basically, you can’t just say you have an avoidant attachment style and then expect the other person to just understand and change their needs and accommodate you without reciprocation. It has to go both ways. The other thing is that, my boundaries being respected actually made me act less avoidant and start functioning in a more secure and open manner. Again, this needs to be communicated and accommodation has to go back to your partner as well, but this is just another big thing. As an avoidant, I’d want to be open and emotional, the space just had to feel safe for me to and having PDA stacked on top of that meant that pressure was gonna keep that from happening, whether I wanted it to or not.
Good on you, you are so right. I am an anxious & partner is avoidant ( I suspect he might have aspergers too). I am doing the work to relax & give my partner the space he needs, I used to find it hurtful that he made excuses not to see me alone or kiss me after 4 months until I learned about avoidant. Can I ask you a question, is it typical for an avoidant/as to promise something in the future & not deliver, eg: saying it'll happen, but not giving any timeline? I really want to understand my partner & make it work. Thanks & good luck to you!
Yeah. I had one avoidant relationship ..never again. I do not want to understand them. Not worth my time.
The weirdest person I’ve ever dated. I agree with u
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔
Contert her right now 💌.....
You should learn to understand them so you can spot the signs and stay away. Otherwise you may inadvertently fall into it again.
I was secure, I was confident, I learned from my previous relationships and she showed me what real love was. I felt so comfortable and gave her my full support, but when I struggled physically with an injury that also lowered my selfsteem, and she lost her job, she started the avoidance cycle without telling me what was going through her mind. I started demandig a bit of support from her part and she understood it, but not did it in the long run. As she kept avoiding even more with a long distance relationship, one day she exploded and ended things, when I missed her the most, when I needed her the most. I feel sorry for her but also a bit dissapointed since I asked for so little in comparsion to what I gave. She didnt even gave me a chance to save the relationship.
I have a secure attachment style, I’ll never date another one as long as I live! Emotional unavailable & very immature for a 71 year old Man!! He’s a runner & I ran too as far as I could… It was very exhausting after 4 months smdh!!!
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔...
Contert her right now 💌........
71? Oh no they don't grow out of it with age 😢
@@adoptioncorner1984 No my former was 59. Self proclaimed emotional unavailability, fearful of intimacy and not going to work on it Age is irrelevant.
My first love was an avoidant. I was 16 and clueless. He was family oriented which to me looked like a good thing. I used to think it was because his problematic family was burdensome that I couldn't be the priority. Looking back now, it worked in his favor and was the perfect refuge for him to dodge doing life with me on a serious level.
"healthy" I have dated these guys seems to be always about them. Greats vids either way
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔
Contert her right now 💌.....
十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...
I am a secure attachment and he was with a DA and he couldn’t handle me Loving him !
My bf of 6 yrs who just broke up with me a few weeks ago, is an avoidant. I was a constant secure. He broke up with me 3 times in 6 yrs any time there was a major event in my life, like a surgery, an engagement, a wedding, and my wanting him to move in with me. Do avoid ants even know how to love? He never stopped telling me I was the absolute best gf and I am an amazing person. 🤷🏼♀️🙏🏼💔
I am sorry you had to go through this but please understand the lesson in this. Never let anyone tell you twice that they don’t want to be with you. Secondly, read about attachment styles so that you can spot on early on the attachment styles and make a decision for yourself
O. M. G. I know so many ppl like this. Why don't they teach how to deal with this in grade school? But sometimes ppl be like this naturally, no matter their upbringing
Why would anyone want to go through tormentation ? I don't get this. If something is dysfunctional...get rid of it and move on! You can not " repair a broken glass" !
I believe your attachment style is determined by your level of like for someone. I can be 2/4 of those types based off the fact if I like you or not. Avoidant if I don’t like you, anxious if I do.🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️😂
@12:09 is simply not true in practice. a truly secure person would not want to be in a relationship with an avoidant simply because the relationship is not reciprocal. and vice versa, the secure person is of no interest to the avoidant because they won't try to be the avoidant's fixer, won't try to make the relationship work if the avoidant falls off the face of the earth for 3 weeks. Until they go to therapy themselves, they will only have relationships with anxious people, but this dynamic will continue to make them believe that they are better off as a loner when they are triggered by human needs (e.g. communication and plans).
He had an obsession of telling me that in order for him to "choose" me and make us official, I would need to ALWAYS make him feel wanted. It was sooo weird. I asked if he would do the same for me. He said MAYBE.
Trying to clearly understand why I got such a selfish answer, I gave him a hypothetical. I said, "Would you pull me close to you, whether romantically or emotionally?" Of course, I got another weird answer. He said again, "Maybe. I would need to know its ME that you want to be pulling you close. How do I know it's not another man you really want in that moment?"
UM...WHAAAAAAT?
I gave him a final straw question:
"If I just lost a relative, and I'm grieving, becoming depressed. I'm in the corner, withdrawn, and crying. Would you come to hold me with emotional support?"
He said, "No. Again, how do I know you really want me and no one else?"
I couldn't believe what I has heard. "Well, who should I count on for that support, if you and I are in a relationship?"
He said, "I don't know."
It was over. I texted him two words. TAKE CARE.
Secure are rare case. Most couples are both extreme ends of anxious & avoidant. Secure doesn't want to be in our mess most times.
Lol
I’m blocked right now by my avoidant ex girlfriend, I really want to learn how I can be the man that she needed me to be when I watch these types of videos. Because she is my true love and I really want to learn how to be able to control my emotions so I can show up how she needs me to and be supportive of her style and last but not least, most important, learn how to be secure and not so needy or possessive, or even a bit controlling; I need to master these things to better myself so I can be the man she or any woman needs me to be. Thanks for your content I wish I could hold on to hope but it’s down to about 20% of my hope level of ever getting back in a relationship with her.
Human beings are programmed to form bonds initially with their mother and care givers and as they develop their ' tribe' / extended family etc. Without this ability humans wouldn't have survived from an evolutionary viewpoint.
Secure attachment is probably far less common today as traditional values change and Narcissistic traits seem to be rewarded in our competitive divided world. Ultimately unhealthy attachment whether anxious, fearful or avoidant is mal adaption . Lone wolves can survive no doubt but most people don't want just to survive but thrive and that means connection .
Hi Chris, I've just come across your channel. The traits you describe of an Avoidant sound very much like the traits of ASD/Aspergers syndrome which my boyfriend has. Is it the same, or is there an overlap, or are people with ASD automatically Avoidant?
So essentially you should take care of them but they don’t want to care of you! Listen I’ve been with multiple avoidants … sure some can change and you might even find an equilibrium for a bit. But if life throws anything at you they will go running and start shutting down and start treating you like after cheating cause now they want out. Once you leave they come running back around with regret for a bit until you make them realize you have moved on.
Yeah no matter how secure you are, they HAVE to realize the natural inclination is not going to lead to happiness. They have to choose to practice being in initimate relationship. And a truly secure person isn't going to chase someone who leaves when asked to meet basic expectations of a relationship. Avoidants attract anxious-- that's the pull like gravity. Secure people steer clear from the drama.