Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
It was hard for me to leave because we were two gay men who had the privilege of getting married in Massachusetts in 2004 at the dawn of same-sex marriage in the US. And we had a Jewish ceremony. We took vows. I made a commitment. And I loved my husband. It was hard for me to walk away from all that. But as I faced turning 60, I realized I did not have that much time left on this earth, and I would not allow myself to die in that hell of a toxic marriage.
I am very sorry to hear your story. Straight people will never understand what it means to grow up gay in heteronormative society. The pressures we have to deal with are insane. We have to prove ourselves that we are worthy of love and support from an early age. The constant aggressions that we are exposed to, the religious discrimination, the unrealistic expectations of parents, loved ones and the society in general and so much more. I understand what you have been through. As a gay man I was in a relationship with a narcissist and I have left my man because of what I mentioned above! We are precious, wonderful, magical, beautiful people and deserve happiness BECAUSE we go through hell from a young age. I wish you all the best. You are loved ♥️
Your comment made me ache for you and resonated deep within me since it’s exactly what happened to me and my husband in France when it became legal (well except for the Jewish ceremony but I don’t think that’s the key point here), although I’m a bit younger, I truly think I would have chosen to die ( and I was physically dying…still am but now it emotionally I guess) but he was the one who left. I was too overly sensitive and sick for him to bear 🙁 I can’t imagine the strength it took to leave. I wish you’re happier now, truly. I say that because I’ve never felt so utterly broken…I often think I’d give anything to go back to those hellish days if I could, I simply loved him too much 😞
Money! I had to live abroad 6 months of the year as it was the only way I could afford a place of my own. He sabotaged my every attempt to get on my feet. It destroyed my work history but it was worth it. Oh yeah, then he died and left our home to a distant relative just to spite me.
Money was a very big stronghold for me - why I stayed way too long. Golden handcuffs. Not gonna lie - My quality of life financially has declined after leaving the 20 year toxic relationship. Still pursuing a decent paying professional job, while working a minimum wage job. Yet on my worst toughest days…. I remind myself I’d much rather be in this position - living alone at peace, healing - than having a big house, nice car, all the gaslighting, incessant lying, his entitlement, passive aggressiveness, and all the psychological and emotional abuse. I don’t regret leaving. I’m proud of myself for choosing myself and respecting myself to not live with a toxic evil manipulative boy
May I ask how you are able to live alone on minimum wage? Do you live in an area with decent rent costs or get some kind of assistance of any kind? My biggest block to leaving is also financial, and I don't know how I'll be able to find a job where I'll make enough to live on my own. I make $15/hr and may not even have a job soon, its a long story but its likely due to my chronic illness. My n partner makes 6 figures a year. My car doesn't even work anymore and I'm having trouble just saving up for a down payment. If you have any additional info on how you did it I would greatly appreciate it! If it's too personal, I understand. It's still helpful to know there are others out there I can relate to.
I didn't leave for 42 years for all these reasons. I can't, don't, and won't. I told myself I was leaving when my youngest son graduated but my husband had his first heart attack and I felt guilty. He passed away 11 years later in 2017. My first reaction was relief and then guilt. It has been 7 years, some wonderful friends, lots of journaling and at 69 I am finally in a really good place and enjoying my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your TH-cam videos. So helpful!
How did you deal with that psychological impact for 42 yrs? My God that's amazing. Within 7 yrs I could no longer tolerate my narc in laws. It was slowly building up to that point but I wasn't living with them. If I had, I probably would have snapped and ended up as a Dateline story lol.
@@saltycat662it was hard and just got worse as the years went on. I kept telling myself he would get better. He never did although there were some good times. I refer to my marriage as a very scary rollercoaster. I never knew when the gas lighting and blaming me for everything was going to happen. It was always mental abuse. I was also brought up in a very religious family and divorce was a sin. I will say my Mother in law was there to help me and even told me I should leave him. I really didn't know what a narcissist was until 12 years ago when a close friend who spent a lot of time with me told me that he was a narcissist and no one should be treated like that. At first i was embarrassed that she saw his behavior but then researched it and it was my life.
_Dr. Ramani thank you for consistently speaking on the topic of money. I was able to leave my narcissistic parent's house due to a 6 figure inheritance from an aunt who died. That was 13 years ago. Her inheritance allowed me to pay off school debts, down payment for a home, invest, a car, travel and most importantly paid for the mental health therapy I had for about 3 years after leaving and going no contact with the narc and the family of enablers. It allowed me to have hobbies and create new friendships and associations with people. Money is extremely important. I have known people who got out of a narcissistic relationship only to be forced to jeopardize their physical safety due to finances, job loss and feeling even more vulnerable after leaving the narcissist._ _It still irks me to read comments on channels about narcissism to channels about narcissism saying, "just leave". It isn't so easy. Money plays a very important role in creating a new life outside of the narcissist. You are so real Dr. Ramani in the realities of dealing with narc abuse._ 💗💗
You're spot on here, it's not as easy as "just leave", when you have no money and nowhere to go! Especially if you are disabled in any way. Finances/money is a reality for most people (unless you are fortunate enough to be wealthy).
Okay but you don't need a 6-figure inheritance to leave. That's another extreme. You only need a willingness to leave most times. Financially, get a job, buy a cheap car, and finance the rest. Income will grow over time to be only using cash again.
Thank you for bringing up money. Some people are at an extreme disadvantage. Some people are seniors, disabled, ill and would lose health insurance... the list goes on. These are real can'ts .
Then there are others who have all the support (physical, financial and emotional) they need and yet refuse to leave. It’s definitely “won’t” when the first opportunity presented itself. The situation has drastically deteriorated since then😥
Exactly see my post above I have been somewhat trapped by extreme health issues and financial dependence on our business I put the barrier of divorce and distance between us but I am still connected I get judged by other people I can't turn to anyone when he abuses me because they blame me for staying attached but how can I go I'm 62 years old I depend on the income from our business I can't even work in the real world because I'm too sick I have too many conditions to even list here including Lyme disease and postural orthostatic tachycardia and yet people still judge me and when I get abused by him for the privilege of keeping my income and staying alive Staying Alive what would they have me do
I feel like this episode was written just for me. I am a man, primary bread winner, and do everything I can to make my wife happy. Dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., and nothing ever seems good enough and I live in a perpetual state of "which version of her will I get today?" I desperately want out and could financially easily go it alone, but I seem to find any and every reason to stay. By every measure it's a terrible marriage and yet I stay.
My Ex did the same. I was doing everything to meet his bar but it always moved ahead. Eventually, he devalued and discarded me and went to his new supply.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation a few years ago. He brought up reasons not to leave such as "I can't just leave 10 years behind like it never happened". So I asked him: Would you sacrifice the entirety of the rest of your life (40-50 years maybe) for those measly 10 years? What to keep in mind here is that the relationship itself is not good for you. She will never get better, you'll never be content with it, even though you deserve much better. Even if it's hard, best thing to do is leave.
I was sad for you, there was No You Time If you don't look after yourself, how are you going to care for others When your ready, to find yourself again, you will make that move
Just do it. Your life depends upon it. I know, easy for me to say but I did not hold the purse strings but just had to get away from the toxicity. It’s killing you slowly.
I’ve stopped talking about my situation because most people don’t want understand that sometimes one just literally cannot leave when there is no where to go. Being stuck sucks so so hard 😮💨😮💨 I’m determined to figure it out though. Biggest mistake of my life was trusting the future faking and moving across the world to keep my family together. Some days the guilt eats me alive 🤢
Sending hugs ❤ I can absolutely relate! I didn't move as far as you did but I made the mistake of buying a house with him 8 years ago and now I'm financially unable to leave.
@@dmleelee5 😓 heart hugs. One day at a time. My heart prays to the universe that your house becomes yours and you are financially able to do what you need to do to be happy. Hang in there hunny. 💕
It took me 23 years to leave but i finally did it. I have forgiven him many many times and the abuse just got worse. My mom and dad always said to me that he is not in love with me and i NEVER listened. Until that day that i decided NO MORE. Its up to you!!!
So, so many people including professionals do not understand these concepts and dynamics. Thank you for explaining it so clearly. I hope more people watch it !!!
Leaving them can be done, but when returning again and again compounds CAN'T WON'T DON'T. When it's a LTR in decades of juggling acts of CANT WONT DON'T are definitely a layer cake and it's hard to get through each layer. Over time the mind often can't work properly and you tend to be less likely to make good choices for yourself cause the cycle of abuse is to choose Narc and their crap before yourself. I'm so glad I left. It took several attempts and years, but I'm out.
Thank you for addressing the money issue early, I'd say that's one of the biggest issues with leaving these types of relationships for many people. If you really think about all the expenses you're going to have trying to live totally on your own it can be overwhelming. Not just rent, but electricity, gas (for the stove and for your car), water, internet, furniture, food, utensils, cleaning supplies, insurance (for the home and for your car), stuff you already own, clothes, shoes, books, DVDs, I could list on and on etc, but the point I want to make is that most people who talk about narcissism never think about most of these things, and the logistics around them when they say "why don't you just leave" or "the only solution is to leave." Think about trying to leave and having to lose a bunch of your stuff, or sell things you care about because you can't take them.
Yes, this was a big one for me, and I did end up finally leaving. But I've been living in almost poverty for 8 years now, because I lost almost everything when I left.
I downsized big time when I first moved to this state, and had to move three times in a year.I kept just enough stuff to fit in my car, or in a room. After meeting and being with my narc for 5 years, I've re-developed hoarding behavior and accumulated so much crap. I keep thinking it would take me an entire month to throw things out, organize and move out properly. My car is broken down now. My parents offer to come get me of things ever get real bad, so what would I do? He put so much of our stuff in boxes, all sealed up. Beyond finances, living paycheck to paycheck, not having a car, not wanting to leave our dog that I love dearly, and not wanting to lose my job -- I am worried how would I even go about leaving logistically in the first place. I tell myself every time he goes away on a trip to work on downsizing & throwing stuff out, but I never make much of a dent. It just seems like an insurmountable task. I know my parents would be there if I had to get out, but I would be left with nothing else.
@@toknowistolove Really easy to tell others what to do. I'm in the same position as the original commenter and I did all of that, and I'm still trapped. What you said is just plain cruel. You want them to leave? Okay. Help them. Go on.
@@toknowistolove What they put you through is horrible and inhumane. It still doesn't mean that it helps to be told what to do. If you want help, I say to you the same that to the original commenter.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be life saving but it is difficult. In my situation it was difficult culturally getting away from a abusive carer /mother who everyone else saw as perfect. Particularly when she was willing to use any means at her disposal to enforce her will. Combined with a conviction that she was entitled to be abusive as she had "earned the right to abuse". There have been other narcissistic abuse relationships since but I'd never regretted leaving them long term. My head always leaves the relationship before my heart does. My heart has to catch up with my head. As an adult what I wanted was one connection with one or two people (boyfriend or husband and a friend) that I could trust. The narcissistic abuse of my childhood has made me more vulnerable to more abuse. The one person I can trust at the end of the day is me. Having any kind of physical or visible impairment can make you more vulnerable to power hungry people and narcissists.
I could not leave for so long. My mother was the narcissist. She was in end stage cancer. She disrespected me so bad I had to walk out. I just said you're right and left.
It is not easy to leave a narcissistic relationship. If it was, then everyone would do it. I was able to discard the narcissists because of the following. 1) I became educated about what narcissism is. 2) I worked on strengthening myself. 3) I learned about boundaries and implementing them. It was uncomfortable at first. The more you do it. The easier it gets. 4) I created an exit plan. I watched multiple videos to learn what others did. 5) I finally started to discard narcissists. I don’t miss them. Freedom is a wonderful thing.🤗🌺🦋💪🦅
@user-dt4lc2do9b Thank you. I started out by taking little steps. With time, I become bolder because I grew in my confidence. By point is don’t beat yourself up. Do what you can. Give yourself credit for moving forward. You are doing it. Think of it this way. With every passing day, you are getting closer to leaving. Remember you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I wish you all the best on your journey to freedom.
So true, Dr. Ramani! When I finally got the courage to leave my children's father, it was a literally nightmare. In addition, I lost family members, friends and even my own children eventually turned against me years later. This ordeal about killed me. It took me at least 10 years to come to terms with it. Fortunately, some of the individuals I lost, realized the truth and apologized to me. This is never an easy decision or process. I experienced many types of grief. The rejection alone was horrible! At the end of the day, years later, I realized it was the best decision, and that I needed to reflect more on the lessons learned. Thank you for all of your dedication and help in this horrific process of dealing and separation from a Narcissistic Relationship.
Nobody can leave a narcissistic relationship because the narcissist has already left you before you even thought there was a relationship. You can’t leave a relationship when there never was one in the first place.
Exactly. I went from "loving" sister one day, to being dumped by her, because I wouldn't listen to her toxic drama. She had no love for me I the first place. I was just a useful idiot. I'm glad it's over.
Exactly, There wasn’t even a relationship to leave anyway, after all how is it a relationship when you’re given the bare minimum? I’m manipulating you enough for you to want to leave but
30 years for me. (can’t, don’t, won’t - all applied) everyone’s situation and individual personal thinking is different. Living life and surrounding self with good, decent people is helpful. Until getting to what ever point that makes you happy inside and out of the body.
You absolutely deserve it because you exist you are worthy, your life is precious and priceless and no matter what that other voice in your head says you absolutely deserve better and you can obtain it, I promise you can🫂💜🫂🙏🏼✨
@@triawillow1972 This is why I like Dr Ramani - she is practically the only mainstream video producer who is addressing self-flagellation and toxic shame. Most resources ignore this quiet BPD issue of self hatred, self rejection and ego death- as result of being exposed to abuse.
I left & would be dead if I had stayed. Glad I didn't understand post separation abuse. I would have killed myself knowing what our society allows especially in custody nonsense watching my children be tortured. 22 years since I filed for divorce & hanging in there.
Over my 14 year long marriage to a covert narcissist, he has slowly, but surely put me into the position of being his mommy. When the day came that I got my greenlight to leave, I had a very hard time grappling with feeling utterly responsible for him also, due to the churches teachings, I felt that I did not have his permission to leave so that I couldn't leave! I had to break down that programming before I finally left. It was almost like I was leaving my child! So much guilt and shame it was ridiculous.
Actually our economy hasn’t been this strong in years. Lowest unemployment in history and the highest stock market in history. I’m sure that there r many reasons that u r stuck with the narcissist. My heart goes out to u but please don’t make it political because our economy hasn’t been this strong since president Obama.
@@babyblue61549idc what anyone says until they cut the costs on rent and food and daycare costs : WE AINT LIVING WE BARELY SURVIVING. If a working woman makes $15, that’s $600 a week so $2400 a month, well rent is $1400 for a 1 bedroom in a safe town, you can find a one bedroom after tons of looking for $1200 but that leaves you with $1200 for food WHICH is around $500 a month for a mom and 2 kids, now your left with $700 for gas, BILLS and anything else you need to supply for your kids. This life is ridiculous within the last year of expenses.
Life has been harder leaving from post separation abuse of all kinds and losing insurance, as a disabled person. I often regret leaving even though it was the right thing.
That sucks. I'm still in my narcissistic relationship due to disability and financial constraints. I would love to leave, but it would be financial suicide.
Thank you for acknowledging the fact that sometimes we can't leave and that's all people would say. I was blaming myself and didn't know why. Thank you for clarification.
Yep. I've had well meaning people tell me to leave, I deserve to be happy. I don't doubt that but sometimes we have commitments to keep. What keeps me here is my daughter and my unwillingness to leave her in this situation alone.
Thank you for being the voice of people that can't, won't, don't. I tried radical acceptance with my father because I wouldn't, the idea of breaking up with a parent caused a huge cognitive dissonance, but as time went by, I realized that I would have to face the reality and decided to make this huge move of going no contact. He is malignant and radical acceptance worked for a while, until he used it against me. Lots of empathy for all of the ones who have to make really hard decisions, whatever their choice is.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for acknowledge that it is not that easy to leave. I'm delaying leaving for years, reasons for not leaving most disappear. the only things left is the fear to hurt her (covert/vulnerable narcissist) that she didn't get along without me. I do not want to be the bad guy. Crazy, isn't it?
Not really crazy. For as abusive they can be they are still people. Maybe the type they attract are the type to feel this way. I know when I do finally leave she will be all alone. Her family has gone nearly no contact, she has no interest in my family after we got married, and she has no close friends. Yep, I'll feel bad for her but it is her own darn fault - will not change even after over a decade of therapy and me trying to be a good husband and help her. I won't feel so bad that I'll stick around. Ain't that lonely yet by Dwight Yokam is where I am already and will be more firmly there once I escape.
You are more whole without them! Dr. Ramani, you hit the nail on the head. You are so good at this, and I am grateful you bring this content everyday. ❤❤❤
A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
I couldn’t leave my mother because I felt responsible for her happiness. I was the youngest and only girl. I was genuinely afraid of what would happen to her. I couldn’t live with the guilt.
I was in the exact same spot...my mom had always spoken of how badly broken her childhood was, how she was always beaten and belittled. So, I spent all of my childhood and adulthood creating a paradise where she was given every luxury, all the praise and positive affirmations that I could speak in a day...and she STILL brutalized me! I left the relationship the day she started to beat on me for speaking without her permission...she did this despite the paradise I had so carefully given her. Trust me, your mom doesn't love you. She just loves to see you in pain and in torment. She is evil.
Even after the love has gone and years go by, sometimes in spite of it all, there can be a friendship of shared goals. I've learned some skills (from you and others) and it has made life better for me. My advice: Don't lose yourself or your childlike wonderment.
Wow. What a topic, very very relevant. Feels like topic for me. Will definitely try to address won’t. Finances and kid is key, fear of loosing out on either or both is major cause of worry.
YES!!! LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!! IT IS that not giving a damn any longer to their one sided Universe! 🙌🏼 Radical acceptance!!! Some of us may not be able to leave. But, we can radically accept what is and detach from the orbit! Thank you Dr. Ramani! ♥️
What kept me from leaving: economics and financial abuse (I worked 3 jobs, he did half of 1). Then I psychologically abused myself to try to make the situation more tolerable. I didn't leave until he got physically violent. WAY TOO LATE!
They are trauma bonded. Or lack of acknowledgement. I don’t even know what is a narcissistic abusive relationship when I made my decision. I just knew something is seriously wrong. I also completely underestimated the difficulty in leaving (losing mutual friends). I may not have done it had it not been my underestimate
So happy that today I finally confronted the narc in my life. A little context, I did a bit of gray-rocking out of frustration of one year. The constant shame and messed up self-esteem got out of the hand and got to a point where anything seemed better than this torture. Ofc in the end it boiled down to 'if you wouldn't have said that after me telling you multiple times I would have never belittled you' and the 'multiple times' that he mentioned was over really small things like how I voiced my opinion that one time about an Instagram post which he considered as disrespect. Also, one interesting thing happened that I didn't expect it at all. He did mention how I was being unfair to him by changing my behavior so suddenly and that how I was so so so wrong in misleading him into believing that I was a different person and now I am showing my real face. I told him how I was getting hurt and why I am behaving like this. To which he kept on asking me why did I agree to the stuff before and why not now, or how he has always given me permission to speak my mind (which he didn't because as soon as I used to say something it turned to rage and swearing and how fucking dumb I can be, how little I know about the world- hence, resulting in me shutting off). He also cried and keep mentioning how I have made him into a villain despite him doing everything for me, telling and advising me about everything and this all actually me extremely guilty even if I didn't want to. He rarely cry and although I know that those tears were probably fake, a part of me is still in doubt. What if I had really misunderstood him, and maybe I am really being oversensitive. The biggest question I have is am I wrong in confronting him this late because it did seem as if mislead into him thinking of me as someone else. This is my first ever relationship and therefore, everything confuses me a lot. Thanks Dr. Ramani, for being the most awesomest person and helping me figure out this on my own. You have given me strength which I never knew I had. So thank you for that! Lot's of love from India.
Another great insight shared by Dr Ramani. You are real gift to humanity.Cases are not black and white and very rarely gray when it comes to relationship with narcissistic...thank you
My sister-in-law divorced, my brother, who is a narcissist, the whole time she was divorced from him. She was talking to him the whole time that she was talking to him. He was telling her that he needed to come back into her life, and they needed to move in together, and they needed to be back together and he made the biggest mistake and she was the one that divorced him and he didn’t want the divorce Meanwhile, he’s screwing everybody this side of Chicago, having relationships with all kinds of women had nowhere to stay at one point, and moved in with this woman never told his former wife and then she decided she was going to move up where he was. He was living at my sister‘s house by them because he had no place to go. He had money. They split the house even though she didn’t have to because the house was in her name he threatened her and told her he wouldn’t divorce her if she didn’t give him half of the house so he got what he wanted again the whole time he was married to her. He was having affairs several that I know about and witnessed myself. She cried and whined and boo-hoo, saw a therapist. Long story short they’ve been divorced over two years. She bought a house up here he moved in and when she dies guess who gets the house because he’ll remarry her just in time so it can go in his name and he will continue to be the asshole he always was.
For me, a big part of it was rationalizing the abuse. I was weary of it, but I also didn’t know how because I couldn’t afford living alone and I didn’t know where you go. I was also trauma bonded on top of that all! Thankfully my now big brother came into my life and helped us until it came time for her to go.
The mind manipulation is real. I'm in the throws of all of this now. I'm just waking up, learning what's been going on, why i feel this way, etc. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your knowledge is helping me grow. ❤
I've broken up with three narcissistic types. Two of them, I feel, had potential to physically hurt me, and all 3 engaged in stalking behaviors. That male anger and aggression from the toxic partner makes me feel like I'm going to be killed. It's hard to power through that. The last one left me unwilling to get involved with any other man.
It's currently impossible to leave my narcissistic parents' home (at age 33) because I'm disabled and disability doesn't pay enough to live on your own 😞 it's honestly very shameful to be stuck with these abusers at so old an age.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I am barely a month out of a toxic relationship discard that I now see was with a man with many narcissist traits. He blamed me, but I had turned into an anxious wreck because I had been living too much in his orbit. When I met him over 5 years ago we both were in grief. He from the recent death of a long term partner to ALS and I had just lost a brother to suicide. The past few weeks I have binge watched narcissism talks and videos. There were so many red flags I didn't see. And the most shocking that struck me is what his ex had to go through. Did she feel so invalidated and ground down that she got ill ? There were small kids and economic and a housing situation which must have tied her to him. She was empathetic and kind by all accounts. I can't stop thinking of her. He is a charmer, larger than life and has good qualities, but not someone to live with long term without losing something of oneself. Sad . . Glad i got out. Feeling better already and picking up on many hobbies and activities i had dropped. Almost 60 and looking forward to single life.
I do believe this is by far the best channel out there on this topic, I can’t think of many who actually have channels that are as intelligent as Dr. Ramani, luckily she interviews alot of people on her podcast who are extremely knowledgeable. I cannot recommend said podcast enough, either. Love to all the people suffering from this form of abuse.
Thanks for understanding & validating that it’s not always a choice. Sometimes you can’t leave due to health issues. The worst thing is when you’re dependent upon your abusers.
thank you dr Ramani for this video im i believe married to a covert narcissist & ive been married 39 years & its not easy theirs trauma bond , finincial resaons & im dealing with not just one but were entangled with his brother & his wife on joint propertys who are worse narcissist & ive had to endure them turning anyone we know meaning a smear campain & allso im not well so their are so many things so it is better for me to stay .. thank you
You can do it Sister you can survive this and begin to thrive just keep moving forward even if it's in the tiniest of steps keep moving forward with Dr romani's help you will succeed 💪🏼❤️🔥
❤my reasons were financial and a deep hope of change! Also I was older and had to live with adult children but desperation finally was a catalyst for me after he revealed he was purposefully torturing me so I would leave him! New supply was waiting! 😢8 yrs later I have all restored and my own place and peace!
Thank you! I had so much energy a total waste of my own health to make this evil people “to be not evil “ now I am DONE… I AM REALLY DONE WITH ALL . I see myself for the first time a new self “a PHOENIX “
Wow! Can't leave explained perfectly. Post separation abuse at 17 by parents & xhusband 2002 to 2024. Wish I had this information in my back pocket since 1978. So helpful to have your daily affirmation in my reality past 5 years.
Isn't it though. May not change much but just understanding what is wrong frees up so much mental energy and reduces stress so much. Dr. Ramani is a blessing!
Bob’s wife lasted 45 years until she died of a dread disease. She had a profession, an income, and a circle of friends so a separate identity and support. Her inheritance paid the mortgage and they had a good life with travel and comfort. The children had stability and one did very well. His greed may have prompted more lovebombing to keep her in place. He supported her through her illness and saved considerable expense and gained greater inheritance. He had a profession and side hustle both having status and power over others. He was lost after her death and searched out a replacement housekeeper to maintain his comfort and lifestyle but discarded her since she was not completely submissive.
Bob´s wife had and kept leverage. If the narcissist can not "catch up" with the partner so easily the narcissist will be more agreeable. Taking care of a sick wife brought narcissistic supply . Unfortunately most situations are not as favorable and many victims can not even afford a therapist to restore their emotional health after n abuse.
Always enjoy and learn and get great erflexions on past and present relationships from your videos Dr. Ramani. Thankyou so much for your guidance, clarity and truth. Best to you and yours.
my narcissistic relationship is with my Mom. I also have come to believe that her sister is also a narcissist. Over the years, it has been incredibly difficult to learn anything I've needed to learn to get out due to neglect, refusal to allow me to do those things at all and my parents are divorced. In the past when I have tried going to other relatives for help, learning certain life skills, they act like something's wrong with me and I should just figure it out. On at least 2 occasions, I have been forced to give up the best job opportunities I have come across. As a result, I am stuck at a job there is no reason for me to be at, that drains me of energy and doesn't even pay a living wage. I don't know how to get out without enough money. My narcissist Aunt repeats everything I tell her, back to my Mom. I can't trust her. I'm stuck. The only thing I can do, is focus on building wealth secretly.
Sadly, the only things stopping me from getting tf away from my narcissistic, abusive, ex.. is the lack of money 2 leave, not having a place 4 me to go, & the fact that im dependent on him 4 things to help manage the EXCRUCIATING pain from all my dental problems that i dont have the money to get fixed. & i have a 2016 Kia Optima thats been a lawn ornament at his parents house for years cuz its not drivable & i haven't been able to get fixed so idk wtf to do with it either. I used to live in it, but i cant even do that now with it being broken. 😢
I loved this video. I’ve been struggling to please for ten years and yet he says he does everything for me. He didn’t understand it isn’t about the things he bought me or did for me. It was about the way myself and my children could never do anything right, no matter how hard we tried to make him happy. WE were never enough.
And does he really do 'everything' for you? My wife says this all the time.. and it is gaslighting. Only what she does is 'remembered' but very little to none of what I do. Our daughter recently mentioned that mama says this, but its not true. One time I was informed that doing dishes doesn't count if I dirtied the dishes. I had made a birthday cake for our daughter. Yeah...
Thank you @drramani - this episode like many others describe exactly what I am going through everyday. This one especially made me cry as I can see that I have been tearing myself between can't, won't and don't. Can't really wait to land on a place of radical acceptance and disengagement from my narcissist
I stayed in my first narcissistic relationship because he trauma bonded me with abuse and isolated me from everyone I knew. I felt completely trapped and alone. Fortunately I was able to get away from him eventually and come home to my family thankfully. Very grateful to be here. I can totally understand how people can’t get out depending on the situation. I am proud of myself despite others criticisms and judgements for me being in that relationship. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I stayed at a toxic narcissist work environment for a while because it was financially stable until I was able to take a risk financially and leave. I am proud of myself that I did what I had to despite others criticisms that I ‘stayed too long’. I wish more people would learn about all this. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
For the past 3 weeks I have been with my sister for a cooling off period. Having to fly back home soon is giving me such anxiety already as for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel judged monitored controlled. Financially I am not able to move out fully knowing that I can’t stay at the same time.
If you can, spend time with your family or good friends away from the narc. I've started going to be with family at least one week a year. It is easy for me financially and because she has no interest in being around my family. These times are definitely vacations for the soul.
‘Better the devil’ you know, indeed. I was about to type this as you said it here in the video. I was wondering how others would perceive this but not to worry now that you’ve used this term. It’s true though. It has a lot to do with trauma bonding too. When the narc husband is behaving better towards me then it makes leaving even harder. There are many reasons I’ve stayed in this narc abusive 29 year marriage. This video has been very validating 🙏🏻💜
It's a mixture of the obsessed fantasy of him actually caring when he breadcrumbs doing the nice things when I've hit my limit or when situations get manipulated to play on the guilt trips and the lies because he knows how empathetic I am , gaslighting,stalking . the did I make a mistake ruminates BIGTIME! He moved in with me so if it were as simple as me physically leaving I already would have I used to want my kids to have a male figure after father was murdered but this is not what type of person GOD FORBID do I ever want for my kids !
And after 6 years of putting up with it seems like it's my own fault for letting it go on so long and I want so much to feel validated and appreciated and I have radically accepted what it is and your 1000%right it still hurts
Yeah my ex husband divides me from my kids. They don’t understand what he is and they want us both. I want no contact but keep some because of them. My mom is their Grandma and older and I have minimal contact with them both but it’s too hard to completely leave.
I understand what you are saying. Keep an open heart to your kids and pray they will stay whole and connected to you. I am sorry you and your kids are having to deal with these people. Keep shining your light and tend it, pray over your children, and let go of the rest. Sending a hug from an internet stranger if you want it. ❤️
Blessings, Dr. Ramani ... ❤️🙏❤️ After a lifetime (50 years) of trauma bonded relationships, we have now Door Slammed them as an INFJ. We stopped caring as these narcs, socio and psychopaths will never learn. Forgiveness is thrown and spat back in our face. Empathy has turned to apathy. Don't care anymore as we need to save our sanity from the insane.
People who have severe and/or chronic illness often have very little recourse. Health insurance is essential and may be impossible outside of a marriage. Managing a home by oneself is simply impossible, even if the well partner is not great at any of the cooperative tasks, it is better than nothing.
I grew up in a narcissistic family and have experienced all 3 experiences. All 3 were equally as crippling in their own way, but I feel like I struggled the most with the “won’t”- it was like they still lived in my head, and I kept getting hoovered back in. It is sickening how co-dependent they made me feel. Therapy helped me with this tremendously!!!! Going no-contact was the route I realized I had to go, and even though it was hard (still is at times), my independence and confidence is growing stronger. It’s already been a year and it is crazy how much progress I made.
I had to disconnect from the relationship after 4 months - but the grief went on so much longer- and three years on I’m still watching these videos because something died in me when I realised the relationship was unhealthy and yet I’d fallen for him and was in a mess. I still havent found myself again. There’s nothing like this grief and loss of self and trust in or others.
lol there was very little she could do to make me leave. but i had to live life in the early 90's in the middle of nowhere with a severe hearing impairment plus my cleft lip and palate stuff. I spent countless hours learning how to speak and how to live in a world that didn't respect the fact that i couldn't hear very well. her learning sign language in high school to impress someone she wanted to go out with doesn't make her a deaf person and she felt like she had the right to speak for the deaf "community". I was a pathetic loser. still am, but at least no one will ever use me like that again. sadly, all my "friends" were using me and now i'm very alone and as a legislated worthless human being because of disability, i have no ability to meet new people because that requires resources when you're in this much pain and this stranded from "civilization"
I’ve been a stay at home mom for over 20 years. I won’t send my kids to daycare and public school. So unless I can find a way to support them while still staying home, I’m stuck until they’re old enough to not need to be cared for while I’m at a job, I will not ask for alimony or child support. I don’t want it. He’s held over my head for decades “I work and you don’t” As if full time caring for and educating 10 children isn’t work? I will find a way. I will.
If full time caring for and educating 10 children is work, then compensation via alimony and child support is what any responsible adult would demand after removing their charges from a bad situation.
I've sadly watched a few from both close and a far endure very long term (25+ years) or even lifetime marriages/partnerships ect. My arm chair theory is that after a certain amount of time an extreme form of learned helplessnes, soul death, and even some are so dangerous (narcs) that as awful as staying is in some cases it's the lesser of two evils. Thank you for shedding light on the full capacity of the why who are “til death” stuck. :(
For all those who cannot or do not leave it is imperative to understand that you are complete without them . And that definitely loosens the trauma bond and lessons the grief and helplessness. All the best in your healing journey . 👍👍
Now this is new content for those of us in this current position in time. “Can’t” minor children. The NPD always tells me in desperation “You’re only with me bc of our daughter”. Before today I always added more and elaborated, defended my position and how I felt. TODAY, I said you’re right. After all the examples I gave, it doesn’t add up, theres no reason a person would stay where they get less and less, I’m down to the bare minimum. A few minutes later it hit me, “holy crap you keep saying that bc that’s what you think and feel. She tells on herself, it’s not me that’s here bc we have a child; it’s her/you that is just here bc we have a kid. What a dirty evil person. There’s no more grimy feeling than going than going thru one of those shit-baths
For me most difficult in leaving are these deep very old feelings of being totally alone. A mix of fear and guilt (because I start self-blaming myself "maybe I am the problem - I am kicking everybody out of my live"). I can see that this goes back to when I was very young being with 2 narc parents and a narc brother not getting my head around what is going on but feeling alone, abandoned and misunderstood.
Moving forward with purpose in Life is a different kettle of fish than leaving behind to escape because "Now what?" We all need to be able to answer our own "what then?" When short-term even daily survival has been the process it becomes nigh impossible to plan-ahead for the future - because there is no future only getting through this moment right now before me. The social isolation from the alienation campaigns our tormentors conduct make it so draining to seek and request external help. We're a social species, so doing it alone is daunting - and they know it. It's one of the reasons why they just can't be alone
I left. Divorced and got my own apartment. But I go back every weekend. Have two young children together. He "misses, needs, and loves me." Finances are tight. Oldest is acting out at school. It's a mess.
whelp I am checking off alll the boxes :( I'm trying to remember I can , I will and it might be easier leaving but it'll be scary at first. recently learned that technically I'm a married single parent and that hit hard.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
📓✍
✔ Can't leave: Dangerous
✔ Don't leave: Not easy now
✔ Won't leave: The trauma bond kicks in
Yes💯💯💯 And, the most dangerous one is the "can't" group...
Shame is stagnating.
I can't leave right now and I'm terrified that I'll start blaming myself for all of this to survive them...
@@BL-sd2qw Be you. The more you are kind to yourself, the more you can correctly decide how they are being to you. Be safe.
@@michignamymichigan I cannot control other people by changing me
It was hard for me to leave because we were two gay men who had the privilege of getting married in Massachusetts in 2004 at the dawn of same-sex marriage in the US. And we had a Jewish ceremony. We took vows. I made a commitment. And I loved my husband. It was hard for me to walk away from all that. But as I faced turning 60, I realized I did not have that much time left on this earth, and I would not allow myself to die in that hell of a toxic marriage.
I am very sorry to hear your story. Straight people will never understand what it means to grow up gay in heteronormative society. The pressures we have to deal with are insane.
We have to prove ourselves that we are worthy of love and support from an early age.
The constant aggressions that we are exposed to, the religious discrimination, the unrealistic expectations of parents, loved ones and the society in general and so much more.
I understand what you have been through. As a gay man I was in a relationship with a narcissist and I have left my man because of what I mentioned above!
We are precious, wonderful, magical, beautiful people and deserve happiness BECAUSE we go through hell from a young age.
I wish you all the best.
You are loved ♥️
Your comment made me ache for you and resonated deep within me since it’s exactly what happened to me and my husband in France when it became legal (well except for the Jewish ceremony but I don’t think that’s the key point here), although I’m a bit younger, I truly think I would have chosen to die ( and I was physically dying…still am but now it emotionally I guess) but he was the one who left. I was too overly sensitive and sick for him to bear 🙁
I can’t imagine the strength it took to leave.
I wish you’re happier now, truly. I say that because I’ve never felt so utterly broken…I often think I’d give anything to go back to those hellish days if I could, I simply loved him too much 😞
Money! I had to live abroad 6 months of the year as it was the only way I could afford a place of my own. He sabotaged my every attempt to get on my feet. It destroyed my work history but it was worth it. Oh yeah, then he died and left our home to a distant relative just to spite me.
@@firouz256 THIS ^^^^^^^^^
That is why I stayed as long as I did. I made a vow blah blah. God allows divorce for abuse, infidelity, and abandonment.
Money was a very big stronghold for me - why I stayed way too long. Golden handcuffs. Not gonna lie - My quality of life financially has declined after leaving the 20 year toxic relationship. Still pursuing a decent paying professional job, while working a minimum wage job. Yet on my worst toughest days…. I remind myself I’d much rather be in this position - living alone at peace, healing - than having a big house, nice car, all the gaslighting, incessant lying, his entitlement, passive aggressiveness, and all the psychological and emotional abuse. I don’t regret leaving. I’m proud of myself for choosing myself and respecting myself to not live with a toxic evil manipulative boy
I can really relate to everything you said. It’s not easy but well worth it to be free from the nightmare.
Well done. As hard as it seems its the only sane thing to do.
May I ask how you are able to live alone on minimum wage? Do you live in an area with decent rent costs or get some kind of assistance of any kind? My biggest block to leaving is also financial, and I don't know how I'll be able to find a job where I'll make enough to live on my own. I make $15/hr and may not even have a job soon, its a long story but its likely due to my chronic illness. My n partner makes 6 figures a year. My car doesn't even work anymore and I'm having trouble just saving up for a down payment.
If you have any additional info on how you did it I would greatly appreciate it! If it's too personal, I understand. It's still helpful to know there are others out there I can relate to.
I hear you and you can do this. I am also financially trying to rebuild after years of narcissistic abuse. Better than being with that toxic abuser.
Wow, that takes a lot of courage!
I didn't leave for 42 years for all these reasons. I can't, don't, and won't. I told myself I was leaving when my youngest son graduated but my husband had his first heart attack and I felt guilty. He passed away 11 years later in 2017. My first reaction was relief and then guilt. It has been 7 years, some wonderful friends, lots of journaling and at 69 I am finally in a really good place and enjoying my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your TH-cam videos. So helpful!
How did you deal with that psychological impact for 42 yrs? My God that's amazing. Within 7 yrs I could no longer tolerate my narc in laws. It was slowly building up to that point but I wasn't living with them. If I had, I probably would have snapped and ended up as a Dateline story lol.
@@saltycat662it was hard and just got worse as the years went on. I kept telling myself he would get better. He never did although there were some good times. I refer to my marriage as a very scary rollercoaster. I never knew when the gas lighting and blaming me for everything was going to happen. It was always mental abuse. I was also brought up in a very religious family and divorce was a sin. I will say my Mother in law was there to help me and even told me I should leave him. I really didn't know what a narcissist was until 12 years ago when a close friend who spent a lot of time with me told me that he was a narcissist and no one should be treated like that. At first i was embarrassed that she saw his behavior but then researched it and it was my life.
It’s wonderful to hear that you are doing well today. I wish the best for you in your continued growth.
❤
_Dr. Ramani thank you for consistently speaking on the topic of money. I was able to leave my narcissistic parent's house due to a 6 figure inheritance from an aunt who died. That was 13 years ago. Her inheritance allowed me to pay off school debts, down payment for a home, invest, a car, travel and most importantly paid for the mental health therapy I had for about 3 years after leaving and going no contact with the narc and the family of enablers. It allowed me to have hobbies and create new friendships and associations with people. Money is extremely important. I have known people who got out of a narcissistic relationship only to be forced to jeopardize their physical safety due to finances, job loss and feeling even more vulnerable after leaving the narcissist._
_It still irks me to read comments on channels about narcissism to channels about narcissism saying, "just leave". It isn't so easy. Money plays a very important role in creating a new life outside of the narcissist. You are so real Dr. Ramani in the realities of dealing with narc abuse._ 💗💗
You're spot on here, it's not as easy as "just leave", when you have no money and nowhere to go! Especially if you are disabled in any way. Finances/money is a reality for most people (unless you are fortunate enough to be wealthy).
You were indeed fortunate that your aunt left you enough money to help you so much. Your point about money is important.
EXACTLY why I can't leave.. also i don't want to leave my mom alone with my dad. I don't trust him. What a blessing you were able to escape!
Thank you for saying this, it's my current struggle. Finances are highly important to leave and go no contact..
Okay but you don't need a 6-figure inheritance to leave. That's another extreme. You only need a willingness to leave most times. Financially, get a job, buy a cheap car, and finance the rest. Income will grow over time to be only using cash again.
Thank you for bringing up money. Some people are at an extreme disadvantage. Some people are seniors, disabled, ill and would lose health insurance... the list goes on. These are real can'ts .
agree!!!
They sure are!
My can't is not being able to afford rent or a home in this housing crisis we are all in right now...
Money was the biggest obstacle.
THIS!
They actively block you from having even a slight bit of joy, of any type, in your life.
Some of us have issues with finances & lack of outside support to be able to just move out & move on. It sucks!!!
Then there are others who have all the support (physical, financial and emotional) they need and yet refuse to leave. It’s definitely “won’t” when the first opportunity presented itself. The situation has drastically deteriorated since then😥
So true which are also reasons I’ve stayed in my 29 year narc abusive marriage 😢
26 yrs. here, God I wish I could. I don't know how much longer I can go on.
Yep. He cut me off at the knees financially then died and gave the house to his niece.
Exactly see my post above I have been somewhat trapped by extreme health issues and financial dependence on our business I put the barrier of divorce and distance between us but I am still connected I get judged by other people I can't turn to anyone when he abuses me because they blame me for staying attached but how can I go I'm 62 years old I depend on the income from our business I can't even work in the real world because I'm too sick I have too many conditions to even list here including Lyme disease and postural orthostatic tachycardia and yet people still judge me and when I get abused by him for the privilege of keeping my income and staying alive Staying Alive what would they have me do
They leach on to you but always ON their terms and manipulations of guilt.
Leach is a good way to put it.
Yes.
I feel like this episode was written just for me. I am a man, primary bread winner, and do everything I can to make my wife happy. Dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., and nothing ever seems good enough and I live in a perpetual state of "which version of her will I get today?" I desperately want out and could financially easily go it alone, but I seem to find any and every reason to stay. By every measure it's a terrible marriage and yet I stay.
You sound just like me. No matter what you do you she will discard you eventually. Mine did after 35 years together
My Ex did the same. I was doing everything to meet his bar but it always moved ahead. Eventually, he devalued and discarded me and went to his new supply.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation a few years ago. He brought up reasons not to leave such as "I can't just leave 10 years behind like it never happened". So I asked him: Would you sacrifice the entirety of the rest of your life (40-50 years maybe) for those measly 10 years?
What to keep in mind here is that the relationship itself is not good for you. She will never get better, you'll never be content with it, even though you deserve much better. Even if it's hard, best thing to do is leave.
I was sad for you, there was No You Time
If you don't look after yourself, how are you going to care for others
When your ready, to find yourself again, you will make that move
Just do it. Your life depends upon it. I know, easy for me to say but I did not hold the purse strings but just had to get away from the toxicity. It’s killing you slowly.
I’ve stopped talking about my situation because most people don’t want understand that sometimes one just literally cannot leave when there is no where to go. Being stuck sucks so so hard 😮💨😮💨 I’m determined to figure it out though. Biggest mistake of my life was trusting the future faking and moving across the world to keep my family together. Some days the guilt eats me alive 🤢
Sending love 💜🫂💜
Exactly 😢
Sending hugs ❤ I can absolutely relate! I didn't move as far as you did but I made the mistake of buying a house with him 8 years ago and now I'm financially unable to leave.
@@dmleelee5 😓 heart hugs. One day at a time. My heart prays to the universe that your house becomes yours and you are financially able to do what you need to do to be happy. Hang in there hunny. 💕
@@triawillow1972 thank you dear 💕
It took me 23 years to leave but i finally did it. I have forgiven him many many times and the abuse just got worse. My mom and dad always said to me that he is not in love with me and i NEVER listened. Until that day that i decided NO MORE. Its up to you!!!
So, so many people including professionals do not understand these concepts and dynamics. Thank you for explaining it so clearly. I hope more people watch it !!!
Leaving them can be done, but when returning again and again compounds CAN'T WON'T DON'T. When it's a LTR in decades of juggling acts of CANT WONT DON'T are definitely a layer cake and it's hard to get through each layer. Over time the mind often can't work properly and you tend to be less likely to make good choices for yourself cause the cycle of abuse is to choose Narc and their crap before yourself.
I'm so glad I left. It took several attempts and years, but I'm out.
Thank you for addressing the money issue early, I'd say that's one of the biggest issues with leaving these types of relationships for many people. If you really think about all the expenses you're going to have trying to live totally on your own it can be overwhelming. Not just rent, but electricity, gas (for the stove and for your car), water, internet, furniture, food, utensils, cleaning supplies, insurance (for the home and for your car), stuff you already own, clothes, shoes, books, DVDs, I could list on and on etc, but the point I want to make is that most people who talk about narcissism never think about most of these things, and the logistics around them when they say "why don't you just leave" or "the only solution is to leave." Think about trying to leave and having to lose a bunch of your stuff, or sell things you care about because you can't take them.
Yes, this was a big one for me, and I did end up finally leaving. But I've been living in almost poverty for 8 years now, because I lost almost everything when I left.
So sorry, love and blessings ❤️ 🙏
Also it’s the cost of sorting the financial side of divorce I.e. the matrimonial home 😔
I downsized big time when I first moved to this state, and had to move three times in a year.I kept just enough stuff to fit in my car, or in a room. After meeting and being with my narc for 5 years, I've re-developed hoarding behavior and accumulated so much crap. I keep thinking it would take me an entire month to throw things out, organize and move out properly. My car is broken down now. My parents offer to come get me of things ever get real bad, so what would I do? He put so much of our stuff in boxes, all sealed up.
Beyond finances, living paycheck to paycheck, not having a car, not wanting to leave our dog that I love dearly, and not wanting to lose my job -- I am worried how would I even go about leaving logistically in the first place. I tell myself every time he goes away on a trip to work on downsizing & throwing stuff out, but I never make much of a dent. It just seems like an insurmountable task. I know my parents would be there if I had to get out, but I would be left with nothing else.
I CAN'T because he is my caretaker. The stress of the relationship has taken a toll on my health and I am no longer able to take care of myself 😢
I feel this.
@@toknowistolove Really easy to tell others what to do. I'm in the same position as the original commenter and I did all of that, and I'm still trapped.
What you said is just plain cruel.
You want them to leave? Okay. Help them. Go on.
If you want help, I'm willing to. Just reply to my comment and I'll give you a link to one of my accounts to chat (discord, telegram, whatever)
@@toknowistolove What they put you through is horrible and inhumane.
It still doesn't mean that it helps to be told what to do.
If you want help, I say to you the same that to the original commenter.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be life saving but it is difficult. In my situation it was difficult culturally getting away from a abusive carer /mother who everyone else saw as perfect. Particularly when she was willing to use any means at her disposal to enforce her will. Combined with a conviction that she was entitled to be abusive as she had "earned the right to abuse". There have been other narcissistic abuse relationships since but I'd never regretted leaving them long term. My head always leaves the relationship before my heart does. My heart has to catch up with my head. As an adult what I wanted was one connection with one or two people (boyfriend or husband and a friend) that I could trust. The narcissistic abuse of my childhood has made me more vulnerable to more abuse. The one person I can trust at the end of the day is me. Having any kind of physical or visible impairment can make you more vulnerable to power hungry people and narcissists.
I could not leave for so long. My mother was the narcissist. She was in end stage cancer. She disrespected me so bad I had to walk out. I just said you're right and left.
If I had the finances I'd be gone with the quickness! But my measley retirement money isn't enough. So wish me luck on winning the lottery. 😁
100% yep.
I hear ya! I feel ya. Money is what kept me in that gilded cage, then he died and left said cage to his niece.
It is not easy to leave a narcissistic relationship. If it was, then everyone would do it.
I was able to discard the narcissists because of the following.
1) I became educated about what narcissism is.
2) I worked on strengthening myself.
3) I learned about boundaries and implementing them. It was uncomfortable at first. The more you do it. The easier it gets.
4) I created an exit plan. I watched multiple videos to learn what others did.
5) I finally started to discard narcissists. I don’t miss them.
Freedom is a wonderful thing.🤗🌺🦋💪🦅
@user-dt4lc2do9b Thank you. I started out by taking little steps. With time, I become bolder because I grew in my confidence.
By point is don’t beat yourself up. Do what you can. Give yourself credit for moving forward. You are doing it. Think of it this way. With every passing day, you are getting closer to leaving.
Remember you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I wish you all the best on your journey to freedom.
So true, Dr. Ramani! When I finally got the courage to leave my children's father, it was a literally nightmare. In addition, I lost family members, friends and even my own children eventually turned against me years later. This ordeal about killed me. It took me at least 10 years to come to terms with it. Fortunately, some of the individuals I lost, realized the truth and apologized to me.
This is never an easy decision or process. I experienced many types of grief. The rejection alone was horrible!
At the end of the day, years later, I realized it was the best decision, and that I needed to reflect more on the lessons learned.
Thank you for all of your dedication and help in this horrific process of dealing and separation from a Narcissistic Relationship.
Wow! So sorry abou that. I am glad you finally got to the other side!
@@MaggyKN thanks 😊
Nobody can leave a narcissistic relationship because the narcissist has already left you before you even thought there was a relationship. You can’t leave a relationship when there never was one in the first place.
Exactly. I went from "loving" sister one day, to being dumped by her, because I wouldn't listen to her toxic drama. She had no love for me I the first place. I was just a useful idiot. I'm glad it's over.
Yes.
I left bc I sure could hear their raging screaming CUSSING fits
I am totally in agreement. True
Exactly, There wasn’t even a relationship to leave anyway, after all how is it a relationship when you’re given the bare minimum? I’m manipulating you enough for you to want to leave but
Some people still believe that the relationship may work if they follow all methods of how to handle a narc. But mostly it doesn't work
I agree it just absolutely never works😥 even if you've tried for thirty years it never works
It doesn't work. That's why I left my previous job when I see an early red flag. It can prevent me from healing.
60 yrs for me
30 years for me. (can’t, don’t, won’t - all applied) everyone’s situation and individual personal thinking is different. Living life and surrounding self with good, decent people is helpful. Until getting to what ever point that makes you happy inside and out of the body.
Unfortunately I am one of them, I am am trying everyday things to be better because our child, however no hope 🙃
Thinking I don't deserve to be happy and I am scared
You absolutely deserve it because you exist you are worthy, your life is precious and priceless and no matter what that other voice in your head says you absolutely deserve better and you can obtain it, I promise you can🫂💜🫂🙏🏼✨
Omg!You need a little time to realise,you deserve the best life in the world!Learn to love yourself 🙏❤️👍💫💪
@@triawillow1972 This is why I like Dr Ramani - she is practically the only mainstream video producer who is addressing self-flagellation and toxic shame. Most resources ignore this quiet BPD issue of self hatred, self rejection and ego death- as result of being exposed to abuse.
this really really helped me understand why I don't and won't leave. I'm so afraid of the post separation abuse and what will happen
I feel this way too
I left & would be dead if I had stayed. Glad I didn't understand post separation abuse. I would have killed myself knowing what our society allows especially in custody nonsense watching my children be tortured. 22 years since I filed for divorce & hanging in there.
Yes I am afraid of the post separation abuse as well and that has kept me from leaving
I know right?!? I'm facing this now.
Over my 14 year long marriage to a covert narcissist, he has slowly, but surely put me into the position of being his mommy. When the day came that I got my greenlight to leave, I had a very hard time grappling with feeling utterly responsible for him also, due to the churches teachings, I felt that I did not have his permission to leave so that I couldn't leave! I had to break down that programming before I finally left. It was almost like I was leaving my child! So much guilt and shame it was ridiculous.
I totally can relate to your feeling. I feel the same way. I feel as if I am leaving a small child behind that cannot take care of himself 😭
Our economy is crap. It makes it very difficult to leave and survive on your own.
Actually our economy hasn’t been this strong in years. Lowest unemployment in history and the highest stock market in history. I’m sure that there r many reasons that u r stuck with the narcissist. My heart goes out to u but please don’t make it political because our economy hasn’t been this strong since president Obama.
Absolutely I’m stuck
@@babyblue61549idc what anyone says until they cut the costs on rent and food and daycare costs : WE AINT LIVING WE BARELY SURVIVING.
If a working woman makes $15, that’s $600 a week so $2400 a month, well rent is $1400 for a 1 bedroom in a safe town, you can find a one bedroom after tons of looking for $1200 but that leaves you with $1200 for food WHICH is around $500 a month for a mom and 2 kids, now your left with $700 for gas, BILLS and anything else you need to supply for your kids. This life is ridiculous within the last year of expenses.
Life has been harder leaving from post separation abuse of all kinds and losing insurance, as a disabled person. I often regret leaving even though it was the right thing.
So sorry, praying for you. Stay strong. ❤🙏
@@SherryWilson-dk7bo Thank you so much ❤️🙏❤️
I was judged harshly for not leaving sooner and now I never judge anyone for staying
I'm so sorry 😞 Disability leaves us vulnerable.
That sucks. I'm still in my narcissistic relationship due to disability and financial constraints. I would love to leave, but it would be financial suicide.
Thank you for acknowledging the fact that sometimes we can't leave and that's all people would say. I was blaming myself and didn't know why. Thank you for clarification.
Yep. I've had well meaning people tell me to leave, I deserve to be happy. I don't doubt that but sometimes we have commitments to keep. What keeps me here is my daughter and my unwillingness to leave her in this situation alone.
Thank you for being the voice of people that can't, won't, don't. I tried radical acceptance with my father because I wouldn't, the idea of breaking up with a parent caused a huge cognitive dissonance, but as time went by, I realized that I would have to face the reality and decided to make this huge move of going no contact. He is malignant and radical acceptance worked for a while, until he used it against me. Lots of empathy for all of the ones who have to make really hard decisions, whatever their choice is.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for acknowledge that it is not that easy to leave. I'm delaying leaving for years, reasons for not leaving most disappear. the only things left is the fear to hurt her (covert/vulnerable narcissist) that she didn't get along without me. I do not want to be the bad guy. Crazy, isn't it?
Not really crazy. For as abusive they can be they are still people. Maybe the type they attract are the type to feel this way. I know when I do finally leave she will be all alone. Her family has gone nearly no contact, she has no interest in my family after we got married, and she has no close friends. Yep, I'll feel bad for her but it is her own darn fault - will not change even after over a decade of therapy and me trying to be a good husband and help her. I won't feel so bad that I'll stick around. Ain't that lonely yet by Dwight Yokam is where I am already and will be more firmly there once I escape.
You are more whole without them!
Dr. Ramani, you hit the nail on the head. You are so good at this, and I am grateful you bring this content everyday. ❤❤❤
A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counsellor, and how do I reach her?
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
Sorry about your situation. Did you get “help” from a Haitian Witch Woodoo Priestess?
Three months isn’t long. You have to find a way to wrap up the relationship tenderly for yourself.
I couldn’t leave my mother because I felt responsible for her happiness. I was the youngest and only girl. I was genuinely afraid of what would happen to her. I couldn’t live with the guilt.
I was in the exact same spot...my mom had always spoken of how badly broken her childhood was, how she was always beaten and belittled. So, I spent all of my childhood and adulthood creating a paradise where she was given every luxury, all the praise and positive affirmations that I could speak in a day...and she STILL brutalized me! I left the relationship the day she started to beat on me for speaking without her permission...she did this despite the paradise I had so carefully given her. Trust me, your mom doesn't love you. She just loves to see you in pain and in torment. She is evil.
Admitting I was wrong about them
The way to freedom is difficult..but SO WORTH IT!!
I love You ❤ Stay strong 😊
Even after the love has gone and years go by, sometimes in spite
of it all, there can be a friendship of shared goals. I've learned
some skills (from you and others) and it has made life better for
me. My advice: Don't lose yourself or your childlike wonderment.
Wow. What a topic, very very relevant. Feels like topic for me. Will definitely try to address won’t. Finances and kid is key, fear of loosing out on either or both is major cause of worry.
YES!!! LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!! IT IS that not giving a damn any longer to their one sided Universe! 🙌🏼 Radical acceptance!!! Some of us may not be able to leave. But, we can radically accept what is and detach from the orbit! Thank you Dr. Ramani! ♥️
I describe it as a strong case of the IDGAF's.
What kept me from leaving: economics and financial abuse (I worked 3 jobs, he did half of 1). Then I psychologically abused myself to try to make the situation more tolerable. I didn't leave until he got physically violent. WAY TOO LATE!
They are trauma bonded. Or lack of acknowledgement. I don’t even know what is a narcissistic abusive relationship when I made my decision. I just knew something is seriously wrong. I also completely underestimated the difficulty in leaving (losing mutual friends). I may not have done it had it not been my underestimate
So happy that today I finally confronted the narc in my life. A little context, I did a bit of gray-rocking out of frustration of one year. The constant shame and messed up self-esteem got out of the hand and got to a point where anything seemed better than this torture. Ofc in the end it boiled down to 'if you wouldn't have said that after me telling you multiple times I would have never belittled you' and the 'multiple times' that he mentioned was over really small things like how I voiced my opinion that one time about an Instagram post which he considered as disrespect.
Also, one interesting thing happened that I didn't expect it at all. He did mention how I was being unfair to him by changing my behavior so suddenly and that how I was so so so wrong in misleading him into believing that I was a different person and now I am showing my real face. I told him how I was getting hurt and why I am behaving like this. To which he kept on asking me why did I agree to the stuff before and why not now, or how he has always given me permission to speak my mind (which he didn't because as soon as I used to say something it turned to rage and swearing and how fucking dumb I can be, how little I know about the world- hence, resulting in me shutting off).
He also cried and keep mentioning how I have made him into a villain despite him doing everything for me, telling and advising me about everything and this all actually me extremely guilty even if I didn't want to. He rarely cry and although I know that those tears were probably fake, a part of me is still in doubt. What if I had really misunderstood him, and maybe I am really being oversensitive.
The biggest question I have is am I wrong in confronting him this late because it did seem as if mislead into him thinking of me as someone else. This is my first ever relationship and therefore, everything confuses me a lot.
Thanks Dr. Ramani, for being the most awesomest person and helping me figure out this on my own. You have given me strength which I never knew I had. So thank you for that! Lot's of love from India.
Sound like he and my wife have the same script.
Never believe a narcisist. Leave and save your life!❤
Another great insight shared by Dr Ramani. You are real gift to humanity.Cases are not black and white and very rarely gray when it comes to relationship with narcissistic...thank you
I just need to thank you for getting me through some of the most difficult times in my life ~ 💕thank you so much 💕
I just can't come up with enough self compassion to go through the struggle of getting out.
My sister-in-law divorced, my brother, who is a narcissist, the whole time she was divorced from him. She was talking to him the whole time that she was talking to him. He was telling her that he needed to come back into her life, and they needed to move in together, and they needed to be back together and he made the biggest mistake and she was the one that divorced him and he didn’t want the divorce
Meanwhile, he’s screwing everybody this side of Chicago, having relationships with all kinds of women had nowhere to stay at one point, and moved in with this woman never told his former
wife and then she decided she was going to move up where he was. He was living at my sister‘s house by them because he had no place to go. He had money. They split the house even though she didn’t have to because the house was in her name he threatened her and told her he wouldn’t divorce her if she didn’t give him half of the house so he got what he wanted again the whole time he was married to her. He was having affairs several that I know about and witnessed myself. She cried and whined and boo-hoo, saw a therapist. Long story short they’ve been divorced over two years. She bought a house up here he moved in and when she dies guess who gets the house because he’ll remarry her just in time so it can go in his name and he will continue to be the asshole he always was.
😢 this is terrible!!
For me, a big part of it was rationalizing the abuse. I was weary of it, but I also didn’t know how because I couldn’t afford living alone and I didn’t know where you go. I was also trauma bonded on top of that all! Thankfully my now big brother came into my life and helped us until it came time for her to go.
You are always so on point Dr Ramini. Thank you ❤
The mind manipulation is real. I'm in the throws of all of this now. I'm just waking up, learning what's been going on, why i feel this way, etc. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your knowledge is helping me grow. ❤
I've broken up with three narcissistic types. Two of them, I feel, had potential to physically hurt me, and all 3 engaged in stalking behaviors. That male anger and aggression from the toxic partner makes me feel like I'm going to be killed. It's hard to power through that. The last one left me unwilling to get involved with any other man.
@lynnebucher6537 , Google domestic abuse / your location . You are deserving of help and safety !
“It’s hard to get involved with anyone again!”
Thinking I cannot breathe without him when he first left.
It's currently impossible to leave my narcissistic parents' home (at age 33) because I'm disabled and disability doesn't pay enough to live on your own 😞 it's honestly very shameful to be stuck with these abusers at so old an age.
Hang on in there. You're not old. I did eventually get independent. Don't give up.
Thank you Dr Ramani.
I am barely a month out of a toxic relationship discard that I now see was with a man with many narcissist traits. He blamed me, but I had turned into an anxious wreck because I had been living too much in his orbit.
When I met him over 5 years ago we both were in grief. He from the recent death of a long term partner to ALS and I had just lost a brother to suicide.
The past few weeks I have binge watched narcissism talks and videos. There were so many red flags I didn't see.
And the most shocking that struck me is what his ex had to go through. Did she feel so invalidated and ground down that she got ill ? There were small kids and economic and a housing situation which must have tied her to him. She was empathetic and kind by all accounts. I can't stop thinking of her. He is a charmer, larger than life and has good qualities, but not someone to live with long term without losing something of oneself.
Sad . . Glad i got out.
Feeling better already and picking up on many hobbies and activities i had dropped. Almost 60 and looking forward to single life.
Financially I depend on my husband (the narc) and our 5 year old is currently in foster care.
Omg! Why is your daughter is foster?
And can you find work so that you can leave?
Lower your expectations and get a job. You might get your kid back...
@@cymbolichuman433 it's not about that.
@@kimkimmy1269 son
Thank you! That gave some clarity and peace as I navigate through my challenges
I do believe this is by far the best channel out there on this topic, I can’t think of many who actually have channels that are as intelligent as Dr. Ramani, luckily she interviews alot of people on her podcast who are extremely knowledgeable. I cannot recommend said podcast enough, either. Love to all the people suffering from this form of abuse.
Thanks for understanding & validating that it’s not always a choice. Sometimes you can’t leave due to health issues. The worst thing is when you’re dependent upon your abusers.
Thankx, You,
Dr.Ramani
I left.
I'm proud of Myself.
thank you dr Ramani for this video im i believe married to a covert narcissist & ive been married 39 years & its not easy theirs trauma bond , finincial resaons & im dealing with not just one but were entangled with his brother & his wife on joint propertys who are worse narcissist & ive had to endure them turning anyone we know meaning a smear campain & allso im not well so their are so many things so it is better for me to stay .. thank you
Fear of the wrath and rage and vindictiveness.
I cannot afford rent 😢 and car is very old
You can do it Sister you can survive this and begin to thrive just keep moving forward even if it's in the tiniest of steps keep moving forward with Dr romani's help you will succeed 💪🏼❤️🔥
❤my reasons were financial and a deep hope of change! Also I was older and had to live with adult children but desperation finally was a catalyst for me after he revealed he was purposefully torturing me so I would leave him! New supply was waiting! 😢8 yrs later I have all restored and my own place and peace!
Thank you! I had so much energy a total waste of my own health to make this evil people “to be not evil “ now I am DONE… I AM REALLY DONE WITH ALL . I see myself for the first time a new self “a PHOENIX “
Wow! Can't leave explained perfectly. Post separation abuse at 17 by parents & xhusband 2002 to 2024. Wish I had this information in my back pocket since 1978. So helpful to have your daily affirmation in my reality past 5 years.
Isn't it though. May not change much but just understanding what is wrong frees up so much mental energy and reduces stress so much. Dr. Ramani is a blessing!
Bob’s wife lasted 45 years until she died of a dread disease. She had a profession, an income, and a circle of friends so a separate identity and support. Her inheritance paid the mortgage and they had a good life with travel and comfort. The children had stability and one did very well. His greed may have prompted more lovebombing to keep her in place. He supported her through her illness and saved considerable expense and gained greater inheritance. He had a profession and side hustle both having status and power over others. He was lost after her death and searched out a replacement housekeeper to maintain his comfort and lifestyle but discarded her since she was not completely submissive.
Bob´s wife had and kept leverage. If the narcissist can not "catch up" with the partner so easily the narcissist will be more agreeable. Taking care of a sick wife brought narcissistic supply . Unfortunately most situations are not as favorable and many victims can not even afford a therapist to restore their emotional health after n abuse.
Always enjoy and learn and get great erflexions on past and present relationships from your videos Dr. Ramani. Thankyou so much for your guidance, clarity and truth. Best to you and yours.
my narcissistic relationship is with my Mom. I also have come to believe that her sister is also a narcissist. Over the years, it has been incredibly difficult to learn anything I've needed to learn to get out due to neglect, refusal to allow me to do those things at all and my parents are divorced. In the past when I have tried going to other relatives for help, learning certain life skills, they act like something's wrong with me and I should just figure it out. On at least 2 occasions, I have been forced to give up the best job opportunities I have come across. As a result, I am stuck at a job there is no reason for me to be at, that drains me of energy and doesn't even pay a living wage. I don't know how to get out without enough money. My narcissist Aunt repeats everything I tell her, back to my Mom. I can't trust her. I'm stuck. The only thing I can do, is focus on building wealth secretly.
Sadly, the only things stopping me from getting tf away from my narcissistic, abusive, ex.. is the lack of money 2 leave, not having a place 4 me to go, & the fact that im dependent on him 4 things to help manage the EXCRUCIATING pain from all my dental problems that i dont have the money to get fixed. & i have a 2016 Kia Optima thats been a lawn ornament at his parents house for years cuz its not drivable & i haven't been able to get fixed so idk wtf to do with it either. I used to live in it, but i cant even do that now with it being broken. 😢
I loved this video. I’ve been struggling to please for ten years and yet he says he does everything for me. He didn’t understand it isn’t about the things he bought me or did for me. It was about the way myself and my children could never do anything right, no matter how hard we tried to make him happy. WE were never enough.
And does he really do 'everything' for you? My wife says this all the time.. and it is gaslighting. Only what she does is 'remembered' but very little to none of what I do. Our daughter recently mentioned that mama says this, but its not true. One time I was informed that doing dishes doesn't count if I dirtied the dishes. I had made a birthday cake for our daughter. Yeah...
Thank you @drramani - this episode like many others describe exactly what I am going through everyday. This one especially made me cry as I can see that I have been tearing myself between can't, won't and don't. Can't really wait to land on a place of radical acceptance and disengagement from my narcissist
I stayed in my first narcissistic relationship because he trauma bonded me with abuse and isolated me from everyone I knew. I felt completely trapped and alone. Fortunately I was able to get away from him eventually and come home to my family thankfully. Very grateful to be here. I can totally understand how people can’t get out depending on the situation. I am proud of myself despite others criticisms and judgements for me being in that relationship. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Can't Won't DON'T. We Love. Did Doing and will continue ✌️❤️🌳
I stayed at a toxic narcissist work environment for a while because it was financially stable until I was able to take a risk financially and leave. I am proud of myself that I did what I had to despite others criticisms that I ‘stayed too long’. I wish more people would learn about all this. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Bless ya! That message is clear, comforting, encouraging and pragmatic
For the past 3 weeks I have been with my sister for a cooling off period. Having to fly back home soon is giving me such anxiety already as for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel judged monitored controlled. Financially I am not able to move out fully knowing that I can’t stay at the same time.
If you can, spend time with your family or good friends away from the narc. I've started going to be with family at least one week a year. It is easy for me financially and because she has no interest in being around my family. These times are definitely vacations for the soul.
@@VinceA-jq6ds I hear you!
‘Better the devil’ you know, indeed. I was about to type this as you said it here in the video. I was wondering how others would perceive this but not to worry now that you’ve used this term. It’s true though. It has a lot to do with trauma bonding too. When the narc husband is behaving better towards me then it makes leaving even harder. There are many reasons I’ve stayed in this narc abusive 29 year marriage. This video has been very validating 🙏🏻💜
You look so beautiful today, Dr. Ramani! Thank you for your dedication to keeping us informed! 🙏🏻 ❤
It's a mixture of the obsessed fantasy of him actually caring when he breadcrumbs doing the nice things when I've hit my limit or when situations get manipulated to play on the guilt trips and the lies because he knows how empathetic I am , gaslighting,stalking . the did I make a mistake ruminates BIGTIME! He moved in with me so if it were as simple as me physically leaving I already would have I used to want my kids to have a male figure after father was murdered but this is not what type of person GOD FORBID do I ever want for my kids !
And after 6 years of putting up with it seems like it's my own fault for letting it go on so long and I want so much to feel validated and appreciated and I have radically accepted what it is and your 1000%right it still hurts
Yeah my ex husband divides me from my kids. They don’t understand what he is and they want us both. I want no contact but keep some because of them. My mom is their Grandma and older and I have minimal contact with them both but it’s too hard to completely leave.
I understand what you are saying. Keep an open heart to your kids and pray they will stay whole and connected to you. I am sorry you and your kids are having to deal with these people. Keep shining your light and tend it, pray over your children, and let go of the rest. Sending a hug from an internet stranger if you want it. ❤️
@@rubberbiscuit99 thank you so much for the kind words.
Blessings, Dr. Ramani ... ❤️🙏❤️ After a lifetime (50 years) of trauma bonded relationships, we have now Door Slammed them as an INFJ. We stopped caring as these narcs, socio and psychopaths will never learn. Forgiveness is thrown and spat back in our face. Empathy has turned to apathy. Don't care anymore as we need to save our sanity from the insane.
Post separation abuse is a huge issue.
People who have severe and/or chronic illness often have very little recourse. Health insurance is essential and may be impossible outside of a marriage. Managing a home by oneself is simply impossible, even if the well partner is not great at any of the cooperative tasks, it is better than nothing.
Not impossible. Do you realize by saying this, you're discounting those of us who did it all alone.
I grew up in a narcissistic family and have experienced all 3 experiences. All 3 were equally as crippling in their own way, but I feel like I struggled the most with the “won’t”- it was like they still lived in my head, and I kept getting hoovered back in. It is sickening how co-dependent they made me feel. Therapy helped me with this tremendously!!!! Going no-contact was the route I realized I had to go, and even though it was hard (still is at times), my independence and confidence is growing stronger. It’s already been a year and it is crazy how much progress I made.
I had to disconnect from
the relationship after 4 months - but the grief went on so much longer- and three years on I’m still watching these videos because something died in me when I realised the relationship was unhealthy and yet I’d fallen for him and was in a mess. I still havent found myself again. There’s nothing like this grief and loss of self and trust in or others.
You've nailed it again, Dr R ...
lol there was very little she could do to make me leave.
but i had to live life in the early 90's in the middle of nowhere with a severe hearing impairment plus my cleft lip and palate stuff. I spent countless hours learning how to speak and how to live in a world that didn't respect the fact that i couldn't hear very well.
her learning sign language in high school to impress someone she wanted to go out with doesn't make her a deaf person and she felt like she had the right to speak for the deaf "community". I was a pathetic loser. still am, but at least no one will ever use me like that again. sadly, all my "friends" were using me and now i'm very alone and as a legislated worthless human being because of disability, i have no ability to meet new people because that requires resources when you're in this much pain and this stranded from "civilization"
Feel I can relate to all 3
I’ve been a stay at home mom for over 20 years. I won’t send my kids to daycare and public school. So unless I can find a way to support them while still staying home, I’m stuck until they’re old enough to not need to be cared for while I’m at a job,
I will not ask for alimony or child support. I don’t want it.
He’s held over my head for decades “I work and you don’t”
As if full time caring for and educating 10 children isn’t work?
I will find a way. I will.
If full time caring for and educating 10 children is work, then compensation via alimony and child support is what any responsible adult would demand after removing their charges from a bad situation.
Thank you from my heart ❤ OH how you relieve the angst of this ugly thing.
I've sadly watched a few from both close and a far endure very long term (25+ years) or even lifetime marriages/partnerships ect. My arm chair theory is that after a certain amount of time an extreme form of learned helplessnes, soul death, and even some are so dangerous (narcs) that as awful as staying is in some cases it's the lesser of two evils. Thank you for shedding light on the full capacity of the why who are “til death” stuck. :(
For all those who cannot or do not leave it is imperative to understand that you are complete without them . And that definitely loosens the trauma bond and lessons the grief and helplessness. All the best in your healing journey . 👍👍
Now this is new content for those of us in this current position in time. “Can’t” minor children. The NPD always tells me in desperation “You’re only with me bc of our daughter”. Before today I always added more and elaborated, defended my position and how I felt. TODAY, I said you’re right. After all the examples I gave, it doesn’t add up, theres no reason a person would stay where they get less and less, I’m down to the bare minimum. A few minutes later it hit me, “holy crap you keep saying that bc that’s what you think and feel. She tells on herself, it’s not me that’s here bc we have a child; it’s her/you that is just here bc we have a kid. What a dirty evil person. There’s no more grimy feeling than going than going thru one of those shit-baths
Oh my. If my wife ever said that I just might agree with her (it is true) and see how it goes. Probably not well 😁
For me most difficult in leaving are these deep very old feelings of being totally alone. A mix of fear and guilt (because I start self-blaming myself "maybe I am the problem - I am kicking everybody out of my live"). I can see that this goes back to when I was very young being with 2 narc parents and a narc brother not getting my head around what is going on but feeling alone, abandoned and misunderstood.
Moving forward with purpose in Life is a different kettle of fish than leaving behind to escape because "Now what?"
We all need to be able to answer our own "what then?"
When short-term even daily survival has been the process it becomes nigh impossible to plan-ahead for the future - because there is no future only getting through this moment right now before me.
The social isolation from the alienation campaigns our tormentors conduct make it so draining to seek and request external help.
We're a social species, so doing it alone is daunting - and they know it.
It's one of the reasons why they just can't be alone
I left. Divorced and got my own apartment. But I go back every weekend. Have two young children together. He "misses, needs, and loves me." Finances are tight. Oldest is acting out at school. It's a mess.
Very sticky situation
Even if you realise that narcissim is dangerous u still cant believe whats happening
whelp I am checking off alll the boxes :( I'm trying to remember I can , I will and it might be easier leaving but it'll be scary at first. recently learned that technically I'm a married single parent and that hit hard.
I left but I almost didn't out of shame
Definitely sound advice. Thank you so much! The trauma bond is a bitch. It needs to be addressed adequately.