Fear, obligation, and guilt kept me stuck being the scapegoat to 2 narc sisters. Got tired of the abuse and went no contact. My world turned to color, just like Dorothy in the wizard of oz. It's just not worth it folks, they only get worse.
I'm glad you were able to escape the abuse and, see there is a wonderful life outside the gates of abuse. May peace and love stay with you on your journey ahead.
Narcissists are abusive in so many ways. I think the most challenging thing for me is how abusive they can be one minute and then as soon as another person appears, that mask goes up. It proves that they know their behavior is wrong and that they have control over it. They just NEED someone to abuse for control and validation. My NH hates his narcissistic father, for what he did to him, yet he does the exact same things to his own children. This life is so, so hard.
Agree. One of my, many, counselors asked if my husband abused his boss or a cop who pulled him over. Of course, the answer was no. She said well then he can control it.
The only time they notice you is when you're pulling away, not through any genuine concern for how you but out of concern of loosing you. If they did care they'd listen in the first place rather than blame shame and invalidate. Come to think about it who the hell wants to be around someone they can't be themselves with and if they are gonna cut you down for it! ✌
They're mean cowards. When you least expect it, they'll stab you and laugh it off or just ignore what they did. They need to be mean. Narcs are small small people.
Yes they are very aware of what they are doing. That's why they don't display the unpleasant behaviors on Day 1, and why they often wait until you are alone with them. They wait until they feel more secure in the relationship.
The narcissist only has the power to make an uncomfortable situation, but not the power to make me uncomfortable with myself, so they no longer have power over me. I let them be uncomfortable with their tactics not working and I do nothing to add to or take away from that discomfort. I am not defending myself as I have done nothing that needs defense, I are simply observing a very, very immature person who is not capable of having a healthy relationship with me.
When we are getting gaslit deluxed for years, we can get so worn down, so confused, frightened and we lose ourselves being isolated. It takes all we have to escape them, and hopefully we have God's help. That is why we stay so long. We didn't ask for what we got .We learned some wrong patterns well before we meant them that most times we did not know we had, that did not help us either. People who ask us why we stayed so long, I say many things to including the above. It is so annoying that the victim is the focus and not on the monster we had to deal with. We have to watch who we talk to about it for sure. Mr. C understands well. Most people who have not gone through it, don't.
@@lindasharpe7039 I never knew that till I found the online community of narc abuse survivors. I tried finding help but didn't learn about narcisstic abuse until I was in my 50's. Better late than never, but it would've been sooo helpful to have known to stop reacting and appealing to their sense of decency (which they didn't have). I believe God told me "Don't try to tell your parents anything," but I still would cry or show my hurt and see the bullies' glee. One counsellor judged me, the scapegoat, as the problem, in our first meeting, within 15 minutes.
Sally, yes, we don't guess that someone we love is being cruel and deceitful on purpose, or wanting power. I assumed they all wanted a happy loving family like I did. So I assumed that my mother was mistaken about me, not lying to others on purpose to destroy my reputation and isolate me. So, though we know were not loved or accepted, we think we still might be .... self-gaslighting 🙁
I believe their gaslighting also has a side B, a very malicious technique of deliberately setting up the victim for failure because the narc has the win-win but the victim has everything to lose. The narc is actively trying to demolish the relationship. This pertains to spouse, family member or employee. Hidden from everyone but clear as day to the victim.
"They bring you down more than you bring them up." Instead of working to become a "better" person, she would drag me down to her level. It always felt like a quandary when trying to help her. Should I continue to help and get yelled at or just STFU and still get yelled up for being quiet? you just cannot win when dealing with a narcissist. thanks, Dr. C!
Sounds like my older brother, who likes to verbally berate or mock me regarding what I do or don't do for our elderly mother who lives in a nursing home now. I live in the same town as she, and he lives on the other side of the continent. Our only communication is in writing - text or emails. I only read group messages from him and delete without reading anything he sends to just me for the same reason I would never have a private conversation with him in person.
Oh my!! You totally hit it!! Yes! It took me awhile to realize he was a covert narcissist and when I started pulling away, he let his malignant narcissism show through so very strongly! I didn’t even see it coming! I’m still reeling from his many vicious attacks. I still cannot believe how I was so deceived by him! Thank you for your insight as I’ve been questioning myself over and over as to how I could have been so duped
Me too! It’s so hard to believe we didn’t see it! I think we just go along normally interacting with people with no agenda but being happy and getting along! Let’s keep staying our happy selves ❤
I'm in Derbyshire in the UK and I work as a music therapist. Wednesdays are usually a long and intense day, but when I finish work I listen to these wonderful Midweeks with Dr C. I live roughly 45 minutes from where I work, so as Dr C wishes us all well and says goodbye, I usually pull into my driveway emotionally cleansed after my day. Thank you Dr C and everyone else on Team Healthy. See you all next week, Pete x
Dr. C, please accept my many thanks for all you do. These videos saved my life and my sanity - literally. It gave me the courage to leave the covert (malignant at times)narcissist ex a year and a half ago. I had such a trauma bond but am slowly healing. I was raised by narcissistic parents and married to more than one narcissist. Now I understand why. I want to be on this side of healthy (the 20%) and stay that way! Again, thank you for so much - Wednesdays are my favorite, too!
You're right, I couldn't even gently approach a civil conversation with my ex without him yelling that I'm just wanting to " trash" him. There was no way to have a civil conversation.
Thank you for what you do. My mother is a grandiose narcissist and although I have been well aware of how ego-centric and difficult she is, I never realized how psychologically abusive her actions were to me and everyone around us. My heart aches for everyone who has been her target. I’m struggling now to come to terms with how to heal myself and what to do about our relationship. I intuitively have kept my distance, luckily I live in a different state from her now, but knowing what I know now about this disorder, I refuse to let myself be overcome with shame and guilt. I have a long way to go, but thanks again.
Yes you answered my biggest question ever about narcs...why would they be motivated to treat their main supply so badly that they would leave! Absolutely crazy and demonic.
I appreciate you Dr. C for devoting the time you have invested in Team Healthy. I have learned so much from watching and listening to your videos. I have always looked for information on marriage to someone that has most if not all of the narcissistic signs and has attempted to destroy you and your reputation with your family, friends, neighbors, schools, and pastors. It is good to find out why these people make you feel worthless after living with them for a while. I have devoted too much time in my current marriage to protect myself from the abuse and tactics that have been used to destroy my reputation.
I'm 67...I am I to old for you to be my dad? ☺ Just joshing you, but want you to know that you are helping others that never had a dad to guide them through life. I believe you are fulfilling what God meant you to do. Being a father to the fatherless is invaluable. I see your heart is without guile. God Bless you richly!
I think they go beyond 'If you strike me I'll strike you back' and onto 'If you might potentially strike me I'll strike you first and have the upper hand!'.
I have 2 of your audiobooks: "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me" and "The Anger trap" I also have the paperback of "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me". THANK YOU!!!!! I've been reading loads of books over the years and none comes close to yours! After only a few days of listening to & reading yours, I feel a sense of calm I've never felt before. Understanding about the source of anger has caused a HUGE paradigm shift and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you sir!!
Me too.i learned more in listening to Dr.C. than my all 58 years of marriage. I did notice something was wrong but I thought it was me. So I tty that much to please him.
A long time ago I felt confused by narcissists, and wanted to be nice to them so they'd be nicer to me. It didn't work! I used to feel determined to help narcissists, so I'd not be nicer but understanding. It didn't work. Nowadays, narcissists repel me and I just try to get away from them asap. I can't stand them and no longer care how they were hurt.
@@DesertlizzyThe that was a psuedo sorry.... it wasnt a genuine sorry for their part , it was a hoover type action. That person took no accountability.
They're incapable of accepting responsibility. Like saying "IF I hurt you I'm sorry " instead if saying "I'm sorry I hurt you " Their apologies if given are vague. I call them a half apologies...mine is usually like..."well, I was mad....but YOU. Well you did this..so, it's your fault for making me mad " NEVER an acual apology....and a lot of...." I don't know why ur so mad.. IF I did something, I don't think I did though " usually after he's screaming at me all night Jekyll and hyde They literally wipe their brains after THEY do something evil and cruel......but remember anything you do, real or imagined
I love the way you encourage others to encourage each other … Supporting each other in an authentic and warm wAy is truly a community spirited effort to resolve. As we seek clarity it wonderful to know we have such a passionate and compassionate leader! Rock on dr carter!
I come from a family of 90% narcissists. And I know in my own life - I never learned to accept mistakes etc. When someone points out an issue or a mistake, I can't describe the agony - defenses go on High alert. thanks Dr Carter - I'm really working on this now.
Thank you for explaining and making this all clear. I feel like you were a fly on the wall in my life for the last 32 years! This is so helpful to explain the craziness.
Boy oh boy, today's topic is spot on for what I've been thinking this week. This describes one person I know. A former friend, not a romantic relationship. Thankfully. Thanks for another great video, Dr. C.
They pretend you are a bad person so they don't feel guilty for what they are doing to you. So why would you be sad? You lost someone who didn't love you. They lost someone who loved them. We are capable of pity. They are not.
@@northstar5919 I’m thinking historically. I truly loved my (estranged, narcissist) wife. I realize that I wasn’t a real loss to her (except for supply), but she lost someone who loved her and truly wanted to help.
I've been listening to Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life' regularly and it's really helping me exist in my situation...'I am willing to relinquish those patterns in ME that create my situations' is a great affirmation and so, for the most part 'all is well in my world' :) (This might be useful to those like me who have limited resources and can't afford to pay for counseling) xxx
I’m at my point now where that affirmation actually makes me mad! But let me explain… I’ve been feeling guilty for 65 years, and the fact that I have to change, makes me mad.? That’s just me at the point where I’m at being only eight months from my abusers. I know I have a lot to work on, but I don’t know how to get past that kind of affirmation… Because it makes me feel guilty that I did something wrong, that I’ve been wrong my entire life! I’m just sharing… What I’m feeling… Right now… 🦋SURVIVOR🦋
@@louiseelizabeth9613 Yes it is! That's where I got it from...and I also bought the book too, lol..anything and everything to get through this..including Dr C's book I might add, that I gave to my son-in-law who needed to understand his difficulties with his dad and where they came from. So grateful to have the insights now xxx
@@dm3144 You should never feel guilty. as long as you are sincere with yourself and the Divine and you are living life as we were supposed to live it (peacefully, compassionately, kindly, lovingly, truthfully) there's nothing else but THAT and anyway when you understand the smallness of our existence on the grander scale of things everything is actually inconsequential! Big hug!
They will talk about you to anyone that will listen but what they don't realize is that while they are talking about you they are really telling people who they are. I made the mistake to put his name on the only home I had ever had and bought 5 years before he had his $5 an hour job. In no time he was trying to make me take my name off of my home which I never did of course. Whatever you say Dr. Carter is so invaluable to all of us. God bless.
The Narc in my life seems to understand love and other characteristics when she sees them in the lives of others. It appears impossible for her to see and understand these things including behavioral patterns in her own life.
@@janepoppet3843 Hang in there girl. I know sometimes life can get quite challenging. There never is an easy road on the path of self-improvement. If you’re a Christian, rely on God to help you. If you’re not, perhaps seek the aid of a Buddhist monk to help you find and follow your inner strength.
Once you have a narcissist in your life, love doesn’t die a natural death. Narcissistic love is riding on the rollercoaster of disaster filled with a heart full of tears. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
5 years ago God introduced me to the narcissistic recovery community....and saved my sanity etc. Forever grateful.....I even make videos on the topic now! Still learning everyday too! It's amazing a Neverending learning experience that's for sure!
This really hit home as it describes my sisters who I suspected have narcissism but certainly bipolar too from drug use (one on meds for it). I am afraid of one sister she is so scary I suspect she’s a psychopath! If I criticize anything about them or their dirty house or child abuse, they viscously attack me and keep it escalating and they refuse to accept any of it! This video helped me understand them more. Thanks bunches 🤗
What kept me in relationship with the narc and flying monkeys was my false hope that they'd change and and see that I wasn't who they said I was and accept me. And my sense of loyalty to family which was misguided since I was was treated contemptuously for decades. I was deluded. Better off without them.
@@dnk4559 we just have to grieve the losses and leave it all behind us. There's no chance of of happy, loving connected family with people who do what they do. Courage and wisdom to you.
They Truely have no future thinking.They will not make plans unless it suits them and then alone and most if their time is spent on wallowing in their own selfishness and never try to live with and compromise on anything.If they do ,it's all for their own cause
This is so absolutely great tonight Dr Carter! I love all your videos of course. And I can definitely attest that I believe these evil people get meaner as they age. My narcissistic husband at 70 yrs old and our marriage of 37 yrs is getting worse for sure😢
I really appreciate you so much!!! You seem to know my ex boyfriend so so thoroughly! I am amazed, but even more astonished at how many people are or were in relationships just like me. (Even though I ended the 2 year relationship, he’s still trying to feed off me even though I’ve blocked him and ignore his attempts and slanderous behavior). Thanks to all of you out there who encourage me and understand!! Blessings to all of you! Praying for you
Dr C you never fail to amaze me with your knowledge and expertise.I too have found this N in my family is co dependent and also will go out of their way to try and destroy me in all sorts of projection and denial and oh so insecure deep inside. It's so damaging for our relationship and they can't take their own inventory. Shame based is their internal component for sure! It's so so immature.I also recognize how my parents couldn't take her defiance when we were younger and she is taking it out on me. I'm a believer in thinking that if you live in the past ( like she does) you destroy your future. I can see 18:12 clearly now! Thank you for all your guidance Dr C. You know I'm on team healthy and I stand firmly in my truth. Hugs to Gus too! ❤️🐶😊
Harsh behavior rarely leads to long term happiness because as soon as people can get away from a tyrant they will. Life experience does help one to be more future focused I agree. I guess it's true that we are "Too Soon Old and Too Late Smart". Another interesting topic Dr C glad to be part of Team Healthy!
YOU ARE A GIFT TO MANY PEOPLE WHO ARE FEELING BROKEN 💔 FROM THESE KIND OF PEOPLE (TEARS OF JOY FOR HAVING YOU IN MANY LIVES...THANK YOU SO MUCHO DOCTOR OF WISDOM WHO EVER BLESSED YOU FOR YOUR GIFT FOR ME AND MANY MANY MANY ECT 👍
So true about compromising on small issues being unresolvable because major issues (good morals, values, constant need for admiration from other men, very poor financial decisions to the point of affecting my job, healthy boundaries) will never be understood or seen through the eyes of a narcissist!!!! The blame shifting, and not taking accountability, never self reflecting of the chaos they cause and constant hurting of the people that care the most and want to help them. They will never see or try to grasp the problems that exist. The entitlement that goes along with this type of behavior is so hurtful and undermining of feelings until it literally tears you apart inside. Always thought she would change and really believed she loved me, is the reason our relationship lasted almost 25 years. But after actually educating myself on this type of behavior what a narcissism really is after looking at the reoccurring patterns over the years allowed me to understand she will never change and was enlightened, it was like a road map our relationship over the years with all this traits/behaviors. Best advice I could give is to educate your self and allow your self to heal by therapy and wholesome true friends and most importantly the Lord.
This session really helped me to clearly see why the narcissist in my life is behaving the way he is, and why I had to block him on social media. My job is now to find ways to intereact with dignity, respect, and compassion.
Wow Dr. C love the part on introspection and that healthy relationships require that balance. So when I seek anything which resembles said trait, I ask questions And questions are for fighting with a narc, not progress. Get to hear about all that I ever did wrong in my life and how I am not worthy. Add a couple drinks and it becomes an all nighter😆
@@SurvivingNarcissism Immediately after this comment, burgurized for a lttle less than $1,000 in coins. Was only gone for 20 minutes and the Narc was in the front waiting on me (unusual) as we have a large estate. Asked the Natc. (narcissist) to be in the house as we have had familiars lately. Blackmail or she knows I'm saving for a getaway plan? I'm thrown completely off guard and frozen. Narc. agrees police can do nothing. This would be a most relevant topic in future podcasts imo. Thanks for all you do and blessings.
Dr. C I thank you so much for all of your clarity!!! You have helped me more than you will ever know. You have explained the 25 years ( and before marriage) of my marriage and how and why my husband treats me and has treated me in such as this and all you speak of. I never knew the name or why I was treated this way but you have shown me the light! Thank you so much!!!!!
There aren't enough words to thank you for these weekly sessions and your videos. You knowledge is amazing and even your voice is comforting. THANK YOU!
Splendid detail & scope in narrowing down “what’s wrong” with us (all)! 😂☺️ I especially liked the part about paranoia as a tell; & I’m looking forward to learning something more as to boundaries (which was one of my parents’ strengths that I know I lack)! The behaviors are self-evident-when experienced from someone else. But how “contagious” are they when you don’t want to lash-out against your friends? Always getting good notes from Dr. Les-it’s better (with less math!!) than psych class!! 🌷❤️🩹🎁
Thank you Dr. C for your videos the work you do is so vital and have saved me from the many years of abuse. I am low low contact with my soon to her covert narcissist husband.These people are terrible in the worst ways.
Once, when I was talking about thr GREAT honor of taking care of my late husband until he passed away. How much I loved him and our relationship which was amazing. The narc looked wistful and barely audibly said: I've always wanted that kind of love but don't know how " I explained it was work. Give and take over years on both sides. True depth takes time and effort. Then he scawled and said he could never do that...
This helps me so much. You are describing my mother to such a T, it amazes me. Thank you for helping me begin to understand why she treated me as she did. At 52 years old, it is still so deep and raw that I could sit down and cry about it at any moment. How do you heal all the pain that comes from having a narcissist mother?
Well,....you dont live with her, do you? That's the first thing. If she needs help, let the professionals do it. And, uh yeah, time to bail! Obviously I dont know the particulars or timeline for you, but bailing out, getting a new job, relocate. When faced with disaster, DO SOMETHING. Doesnt matter if it might be wrong, it's better than doing nothing. And think positive, your body doesnt care if you're wrong either. 💖 You get to a safe place, you can cry some more, that's ok, just take care of Number 1 first. 👸 It gets better, sis.
Jill welcome to team healthy! Glad to have you here! I needed a lot of therapy with a therapist specializing in NPD. I also read a lot of books on the topic and watching these TH-cam videos. I found educating myself on the personality disorder was very helpful to me to put a name on her manipulations and knowing why she behaves that way helped me not to take things as personally. In my case- I had to go no contact.
How interesting. I've known my N was a very serious malignant type, but occasionally I saw covert and even vulnerable traits. He has been abusive for maybe 20 years on a regular basis, but never violent. Suddenly a serious stressor affected our marriage, and I became afraid that not only would it turn violent but that he would actually kill me. I fled. In the divorce he got exactly what he wanted (which had been challenged) and I realize that that danger had dissipated. He's still angry and abusive, but not life threatening. During that time I became totally indifferent to him, as if he's a stranger on the street. What a fabulous feeling!
My husband‘s best friend called me to tell me that he planned to do an OJ Simpson on me in the middle of the night and wanted him to help. He refused obviously but I caught him multiple times messing with the air in one of my tires. A car that I drove our children around in! He has been an absent father for 20 years and just came back a year and a half ago and now two of our four children are blaming me for their relationship with him when they were children. I don’t know what he has said or how he has twisted the past to make them think this, but it’s like they have absolutely no memory of how horrific he treated all of us. It is mind blowing to me and breaking my heart. I know one day there are memories will return as minded from my own childhood trauma but in the meantime I’m heartbroken. This man is a monster! And I know deep down that he is very self-destructive, so I’m just going to sit back, knowing that he will soon self-destruct with those children and they will remember. I am trusting God in this situation and removing myself from it. God bless you and your journey, as He has in mine 🙏
My late husband was the most stable and empathetic person I ever knew. A wonderful and loving man who invested the time and energy to really know me....I miss him more than I ever thought. And thrust into the cruel and confusing dating life....the narc was the first relationship. Sadly, my mother was a cruel and evil narc and this narc is EXACTLY like my mom.....he brings back every childhood trauma.....
Deep deep down they may be unconscious & unaware of their brokenness and shame and anger --- but on a conscious surface level they ARE aware of what they are doing AS EVIDENCED by their strategic calculating, planning, very specific strategies & games they play to hurt you & belittle you for 'supply'. They KNOW when to put on the mask & be cute funny charming in public - and when to take it off. They KNOW in public HOW to mock & cut you down for maximum effect so you are embarrassed and humiliated, and KNOW you will "take it" and be silent & not respond which would make the situation worse for you. They KNOW which of your buttons to push, when, where and how hard to push. They are brilliant award-winning actors & actresses and "all the world's a stage for them". To me their #1 conscious trait is "calculating" - and they are masters of it.
When people are narcissistic and they think they can run peoples life’s or choose there life, how do you get the message across that you don’t want anything to Deal with people like this??
For a number of reasons, no contact isn't possible for me. I now use the energy that I used to devote to trying to understand my mother and brother's manipulative and contemptuous behavior to figuring out the least number syllables and seconds I can use to respond to them. "Yes", "No", and "Oh", delivered with no vocal inflection or emotion, a flat facial expression and no other signs of emotion, like nervous energy, are my favorites. Once you do it a few times, it gets easier. You do have to be prepared for their reaction the first few times, and commit to not getting dragged into explaining or giving in to them. What mine crave are my time, attention and thoughts, so they can drag, criticize, mock and waste them. They'll take whatever I'm willing to give, whether it's fawning, pleading explanation or righteous indignation. It's all the same to them. I imagine that they hear me in the same way the adults were heard on the Charlie Brown cartoon: "Blah, blah, blah." They just want to keep me, detain me, devalue me and my time, thoughts and efforts. That's it, the whole thing. What I think or say is irrelevant. It's fascinating how devious and coordinated they are.
Good evening from South Africa...thank you Dr Carter for your input..it is of great value to me...I agree love is just something they cannot do..I really appreciate the support from this team...a big thank you
Blessings, Dr. Carter, Thank you, for sharing your insight. In this video, your lessons, and, wisdom are "On Point", ... as always. CONTINUED Prayers, Love & Blessings ... Amen.
I found u about a year ago and I can't tell u how much you have helped my husband and I. Thank you team healthy. We now have hospist helping with my aging nac mil .They have been great 👍
Don't take what they say personally. Forgive and forget is the only way to move forward. Go no contact if you can. Pray for your enemy, love your enemy from a distance. Do good to those who despitefully use you.
Easier said than done. It is very personal when they attack you!Forgiveness needs an apology to forget. If they don't repent, they'll do it again. I have 3 aggressive physically abusive narcissistic brothers who have never changed for 40 years. Leaving them was the best thing I did 13 years ago. I've forgiven the sinner,..but not the sin
WHEN I WENT NO CONTACT, I REFUSE.THEIR INFLUENCE ON ME ANYMORE. NO I WILL NOT LOVE THEM. THEY DON'T DESERVE IT. I WILL LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF. LET GOD DEAL WITH THEM.
Thank you so much for this talk. Meanness and harshness is exactly what I am going through this week all because I did not agree with him and stood my ground in a calm and dignified manner (exactly the way you taught us.) I see the patterns so clearly now because of all your videos. This talk will help me get through this latest episode. Thank you again.
... but on the other hand, signaling virtue is easier to accomplish when all is virtual. They can play their charade games from a distance. They look for any tool at their disposal.
Thank you so much, Dr. C. I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful insight you provide. You are a true sanity check in my life. Love and thanks to you and Gus.
It's words that really struck home with the 45 who heard them. The day before they were told the 3 people retiring who had near 100 years experience between them, was such a loss to the org. In my head, I thought, some experience needs to be lost and rebuilt anew and I'm all in for that. The old ways aren't always the right ways just because "that's the way we always did it" comply. Don't break the mold or we'll break you." Has got to go.
Hi Dr Carter, I’ve wonky recently started following you and I have honestly gained so much insight from watching your videos, I really appreciate and value your wisdom knowledge and authenticity. Thank you 🙏
@@SurvivingNarcissism Also Dr Carter, is there somewhere people can email a topic of interest for you to possibly look at when you do your lives and videos? I have a few questions that I’d love to hear your perspective and opinion on. Thanks 🙏
I do look forward to the broadcasts! I AM HEALING. Yes, present thinking ex once said, he meant his wedding vows at the time of marriage. Must of just been for the hour. Oh gosh. Just incredible. Thank you!
My Irish cousin says, “A day without potato is like a day without sunshine. 😊 I say same about you, Dr Carter. “A day without Dr C ☀️ is like a day without sunshine.” ☮️ 💕 thanks 🙏
Hello from OZ. Been loving your videos . Really fine points made in each one. See 618k subscribers , that’s brilliant. Hello everyone , prayers for your journey 👍💛
Today's topic was so spot on for me with what and who I am dealing with concerning my husband. Dr Carter could you please give some examples of things we can say back to a narcissist when this keeps happening. Being silent helps but I would like to know what can we say when the attacking continues, to try and defuse the situation?
Ha ha ha. 🤣Waffles or cereal. Least I am laughing more as time goes on. One time I made a homemade angel food cake for his birthday. Upon seeing it, he whined and said that he wanted an upside down pineapple cake. He almost got the angel food cake upside down. Thank God I am done. Thank you God for your work!
My mother threw a homemade chocolate cake at my father when he complained that it was too hot to bake 🤦♀️ it hit the wall behind him & slid down slowly 🤷♀️ still remember as a kid wishing I could have some! Suppers we’re he’ll as all meals with a narc are difficult
@@caroleminke6116 last Thanksgiving my 40 year old N son was mixing up the cornbread dressing (contains sage , onions, celery) at my home. Instead of adding a stick of regular butter, he had a large amount of left over "dill seasoned butter" that he brought to my home & so he used it instead, although I questioned him. ... the dressing was awful. Pretty much inedible but I'm sure he expected that. Please note that usually he is a perfectionist talented picky gourmet cook- so it was a good way to "ding" my Thanksgiving dinner at my home - so I purposely did not take the bait or complain. One year he used a Graham cracker crust for pumpkin pie at his grandmother's home - it was ruined & tasted disgusting and grandma told him never again. They love to "ruin" dishes during the holidays - I'm convinced they are "daring" you, testing you, challenging you. Because if you take the bait & say anything negative -that opens the door for them to escalate it into a fight in which you are the problem, the bad guy. 👎
Just started watching, sorry I am a couple days late, and before I start watching let me say thanks in advance to Doctor C and to my friends on Team Healthy! You guys keep me going through some tough times, thoughts, and memories! Everyone here Rocks!
TOPIC IDEA:.... "How N's COPY people".... I believe that since they have no core IDENTITY.. they often find people they admire for various reasons.. and then take on their beliefs, habits, almost their entire personality. My N. Golden Child brother did this, with a person.. for nearly 15 years.. during which time, i thought i had the most wonderful loving caring brother. Literally, on the day this person died, my brother instantly flipped back into the malignant Narcissist he was.. and projected such vile rage towards me that has never ceased. This was a complete switch from one personality, to another. Please talk about this ??... thank you so much for all you do... You have saved my life. k.
Fear, obligation, and guilt kept me stuck being the scapegoat to 2 narc sisters. Got tired of the abuse and went no contact. My world turned to color, just like Dorothy in the wizard of oz. It's just not worth it folks, they only get worse.
Same here. Leave the narcissistic family alone.
Beautiful you 🦋🦋
Thanks Cynthia. You got it. They don't change!
So true. Worse and worse. Be free!
I'm glad you were able to escape the abuse and, see there is a wonderful life outside the gates of abuse.
May peace and love stay with you on your journey ahead.
Narcissists are abusive in so many ways. I think the most challenging thing for me is how abusive they can be one minute and then as soon as another person appears, that mask goes up. It proves that they know their behavior is wrong and that they have control over it. They just NEED someone to abuse for control and validation. My NH hates his narcissistic father, for what he did to him, yet he does the exact same things to his own children. This life is so, so hard.
Agree. One of my, many, counselors asked if my husband abused his boss or a cop who pulled him over. Of course, the answer was no. She said well then he can control it.
my co worker Seems nice ( in theory; in paper so to speak)! in Person: a bully; must Dominate
The only time they notice you is when you're pulling away, not through any genuine concern for how you but out of concern of loosing you. If they did care they'd listen in the first place rather than blame shame and invalidate. Come to think about it who the hell wants to be around someone they can't be themselves with and if they are gonna cut you down for it! ✌
"In order for you to insult me, [narcissist] I would have to value your opinion, and I don't." Thanks.
They are meaner than a hungry rabid dog. And when your on the receiving end of their wrath it’s just horrific.
They're mean cowards.
When you least expect it, they'll stab you and laugh it off or just ignore what they did. They need to be mean.
Narcs are small small people.
Yes they are very aware of what they are doing. That's why they don't display the unpleasant behaviors on Day 1, and why they often wait until you are alone with them. They wait until they feel more secure in the relationship.
Thank you sir, this community saved me from going bonkers.. 🙏❤️
I love being on Team Healthy.
Me too!!
❤️
My heart literally feels better.
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Me too!
Yes and those who are can stop in ANYtime 🙂
The narcissist only has the power to make an uncomfortable situation, but not the power to make me uncomfortable with myself, so they no longer have power over me. I let them be uncomfortable with their tactics not working and I do nothing to add to or take away from that discomfort. I am not defending myself as I have done nothing that needs defense, I are simply observing a very, very immature person who is not capable of having a healthy relationship with me.
“Show loyalty to someone else” can mean loyalty to yourself as well
That’s Right!
We’re always someone to someone else 🤓
When we are getting gaslit deluxed for years, we can get so worn down, so confused, frightened and we lose ourselves being isolated. It takes all we have to escape them, and hopefully we have God's help. That is why we stay so long. We didn't ask for what we got .We learned some wrong patterns well before we meant them that most times we did not know we had, that did not help us either. People who ask us why we stayed so long, I say many things to including the above. It is so annoying that the victim is the focus and not on the monster we had to deal with. We have to watch who we talk to about it for sure. Mr. C understands well. Most people who have not gone through it, don't.
A lot of people are living it, & don't know what it is. Or they have lived it.
@@lindasharpe7039 I never knew that till I found the online community of narc abuse survivors. I tried finding help but didn't learn about narcisstic abuse until I was in my 50's. Better late than never, but it would've been sooo helpful to have known to stop reacting and appealing to their sense of decency (which they didn't have). I believe God told me "Don't try to tell your parents anything," but I still would cry or show my hurt and see the bullies' glee. One counsellor judged me, the scapegoat, as the problem, in our first meeting, within 15 minutes.
Sally, yes, we don't guess that someone we love is being cruel and deceitful on purpose, or wanting power. I assumed they all wanted a happy loving family like I did. So I assumed that my mother was mistaken about me, not lying to others on purpose to destroy my reputation and isolate me. So, though we know were not loved or accepted, we think we still might be .... self-gaslighting 🙁
I believe their gaslighting also has a side B, a very malicious technique of deliberately setting up the victim for failure because the narc has the win-win but the victim has everything to lose. The narc is actively trying to demolish the relationship. This pertains to spouse, family member or employee. Hidden from everyone but clear as day to the victim.
I left my ex because I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown
I’m so sick of being told that everything they did was in the past. If it happened yesterday and not today, I’m supposed to already be over it.
"They bring you down more than you bring them up." Instead of working to become a "better" person, she would drag me down to her level.
It always felt like a quandary when trying to help her. Should I continue to help and get yelled at or just STFU and still get yelled up for being quiet?
you just cannot win when dealing with a narcissist.
thanks, Dr. C!
Oh how true
Sounds like my older brother, who likes to verbally berate or mock me regarding what I do or don't do for our elderly mother who lives in a nursing home now. I live in the same town as she, and he lives on the other side of the continent. Our only communication is in writing - text or emails. I only read group messages from him and delete without reading anything he sends to just me for the same reason I would never have a private conversation with him in person.
Oh my!! You totally hit it!! Yes! It took me awhile to realize he was a covert narcissist and when I started pulling away, he let his malignant narcissism show through so very strongly! I didn’t even see it coming! I’m still reeling from his many vicious attacks. I still cannot believe how I was so deceived by him! Thank you for your insight as I’ve been questioning myself over and over as to how I could have been so duped
Me too! It’s so hard to believe we didn’t see it! I think we just go along normally interacting with people with no agenda but being happy and getting along! Let’s keep staying our happy selves ❤
I'm in Derbyshire in the UK and I work as a music therapist. Wednesdays are usually a long and intense day, but when I finish work I listen to these wonderful Midweeks with Dr C.
I live roughly 45 minutes from where I work, so as Dr C wishes us all well and says goodbye, I usually pull into my driveway emotionally cleansed after my day.
Thank you Dr C and everyone else on Team Healthy. See you all next week, Pete x
Hi from Manchester 🌞
Dr. C, please accept my many thanks for all you do. These videos saved my life and my sanity - literally. It gave me the courage to leave the covert (malignant at times)narcissist ex a year and a half ago. I had such a trauma bond but am slowly healing. I was raised by narcissistic parents and married to more than one narcissist. Now I understand why. I want to be on this side of healthy (the 20%) and stay that way! Again, thank you for so much - Wednesdays are my favorite, too!
Thanks, Elaine!
You're right, I couldn't even gently approach a civil conversation with my ex without him yelling that I'm just wanting to " trash" him. There was no way to have a civil conversation.
Same... and then it's followed by a guilt trip.
Thank you for what you do. My mother is a grandiose narcissist and although I have been well aware of how ego-centric and difficult she is, I never realized how psychologically abusive her actions were to me and everyone around us. My heart aches for everyone who has been her target. I’m struggling now to come to terms with how to heal myself and what to do about our relationship. I intuitively have kept my distance, luckily I live in a different state from her now, but knowing what I know now about this disorder, I refuse to let myself be overcome with shame and guilt. I have a long way to go, but thanks again.
Yes you answered my biggest question ever about narcs...why would they be motivated to treat their main supply so badly that they would leave! Absolutely crazy and demonic.
I appreciate you Dr. C for devoting the time you have invested in Team Healthy. I have learned so much from watching and listening to your videos. I have always looked for information on marriage to someone that has most if not all of the narcissistic signs and has attempted to destroy you and your reputation with your family, friends, neighbors, schools, and pastors. It is good to find out why these people make you feel worthless after living with them for a while. I have devoted too much time in my current marriage to protect myself from the abuse and tactics that have been used to destroy my reputation.
Thank you for "Leaning into Love!" Spread the good news!
I'm 67...I am I to old for you to be my dad? ☺
Just joshing you, but want you to know that you are helping others that never had a dad to guide them through life. I believe you are fulfilling what God meant you to do. Being a father to the fatherless is invaluable. I see your heart is without guile. God Bless you richly!
How about big brother?
@@SurvivingNarcissism That's a splendid idea!👍
I think they go beyond 'If you strike me I'll strike you back' and onto 'If you might potentially strike me I'll strike you first and have the upper hand!'.
I have 2 of your audiobooks: "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me" and "The Anger trap" I also have the paperback of "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me". THANK YOU!!!!! I've been reading loads of books over the years and none comes close to yours! After only a few days of listening to & reading yours, I feel a sense of calm I've never felt before. Understanding about the source of anger has caused a HUGE paradigm shift and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you sir!!
Where did you get the audio books? Audible? 👀
Hi me too After fifty years of marriage, Thanks to Dr. Carter, I am seeing the light.
I love reading everyone’s comments and relating to others just as much as I enjoy listening to Dr. C. Thanks to everyone for sharing :)
I share the same thought!
Makes 2 of us. ☺
Me too.i learned more in listening to Dr.C. than my all 58 years of marriage. I did notice something was wrong but I thought it was me. So I tty that much to please him.
A long time ago I felt confused by narcissists, and wanted to be nice to them so they'd be nicer to me. It didn't work!
I used to feel determined to help narcissists, so I'd not be nicer but understanding. It didn't work.
Nowadays, narcissists repel me and I just try to get away from them asap.
I can't stand them and no longer care how they were hurt.
When a narcissist is mean as can be one day, then the next day says "I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday" I don't know what to think!
They say Sorry? I've never known nor heard the word Sorry or apologies from a Narcissist.
Goso
@@DesertlizzyThe that was a psuedo sorry.... it wasnt a genuine sorry for their part , it was a hoover type action. That person took no accountability.
Get this all the time. Acts verbally abusive and rages then claims its me having a bad day. Nope, my bad day is every day with you. Lol
They're incapable of accepting responsibility.
Like saying "IF I hurt you I'm sorry " instead if saying "I'm sorry I hurt you "
Their apologies if given are vague. I call them a half apologies...mine is usually like..."well, I was mad....but YOU. Well you did this..so, it's your fault for making me mad " NEVER an acual apology....and a lot of...." I don't know why ur so mad.. IF I did something, I don't think I did though " usually after he's screaming at me all night
Jekyll and hyde
They literally wipe their brains after THEY do something evil and cruel......but remember anything you do, real or imagined
I love the way you encourage others to encourage each other …
Supporting each other in an authentic and warm wAy is truly a community spirited effort to resolve. As we seek clarity it wonderful to know we have such a passionate and compassionate leader! Rock on dr carter!
Thanks so much, Janine!!
I come from a family of 90% narcissists. And I know in my own life - I never learned to accept mistakes etc. When someone points out an issue or a mistake, I can't describe the agony - defenses go on High alert. thanks Dr Carter - I'm really working on this now.
Thank you for explaining and making this all clear. I feel like you were a fly on the wall in my life for the last 32 years! This is so helpful to explain the craziness.
Boy oh boy, today's topic is spot on for what I've been thinking this week. This describes one person I know. A former friend, not a romantic relationship. Thankfully.
Thanks for another great video, Dr. C.
Thank you for all you do. 18 years of pure evil.
Mid-week Dr. C . is my "Morning Mantra" Gotta have #teamhealthy as my morning breakfast....
Glad to hear this!!
They pretend you are a bad person so they don't feel guilty for what they are doing to you.
So why would you be sad? You lost someone who didn't love you.
They lost someone who loved them.
We are capable of pity. They are not.
When you think twice, can you love a dog that bites you all the time?
@@northstar5919 I’m thinking historically. I truly loved my (estranged, narcissist) wife. I realize that I wasn’t a real loss to her (except for supply), but she lost someone who loved her and truly wanted to help.
👊
I've been listening to Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life' regularly and it's really helping me exist in my situation...'I am willing to relinquish those patterns in ME that create my situations' is a great affirmation and so, for the most part 'all is well in my world' :) (This might be useful to those like me who have limited resources and can't afford to pay for counseling) xxx
Is that here on you tube? 👀
I’m at my point now where that affirmation actually makes me mad! But let me explain… I’ve been feeling guilty for 65 years, and the fact that I have to change, makes me mad.? That’s just me at the point where I’m at being only eight months from my abusers. I know I have a lot to work on, but I don’t know how to get past that kind of affirmation… Because it makes me feel guilty that I did something wrong, that I’ve been wrong my entire life! I’m just sharing… What I’m feeling… Right now…
🦋SURVIVOR🦋
@@louiseelizabeth9613 Yes it is! That's where I got it from...and I also bought the book too, lol..anything and everything to get through this..including Dr C's book I might add, that I gave to my son-in-law who needed to understand his difficulties with his dad and where they came from. So grateful to have the insights now xxx
@@dm3144 You should never feel guilty. as long as you are sincere with yourself and the Divine and you are living life as we were supposed to live it (peacefully, compassionately, kindly, lovingly, truthfully) there's nothing else but THAT and anyway when you understand the smallness of our existence on the grander scale of things everything is actually inconsequential! Big hug!
@@MermieOriginals Thank you! 👍💖
They will talk about you to anyone that will listen but what they don't realize is that while they are talking about you they are really telling people who they are. I made the mistake to put his name on the only home I had ever had and bought 5 years before he had his $5 an hour job. In no time he was trying to make me take my name off of my home which I never did of course. Whatever you say Dr. Carter is so invaluable to all of us. God bless.
The Narc in my life seems to understand love and other characteristics when she sees them in the lives of others. It appears impossible for her to see and understand these things including behavioral patterns in her own life.
@@janepoppet3843 Hang in there girl. I know sometimes life can get quite challenging. There never is an easy road on the path of self-improvement. If you’re a Christian, rely on God to help you. If you’re not, perhaps seek the aid of a Buddhist monk to help you find and follow your inner strength.
narcissists equal Cowards Equal losers! and ALL BULLIES!
Once you have a narcissist in your life, love doesn’t die a natural death. Narcissistic love is riding on the rollercoaster of disaster filled with a heart full of tears. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
I like your phrase "riding on the roller coaster of disaster."
5 years ago God introduced me to the narcissistic recovery community....and saved my sanity etc. Forever grateful.....I even make videos on the topic now! Still learning everyday too! It's amazing a Neverending learning experience that's for sure!
Thanks 🙏 always Dr. C., you give such *good heart & try to soothe & smooth Narcissistic trait's effects 😏 ☮️✌️
This really hit home as it describes my sisters who I suspected have narcissism but certainly bipolar too from drug use (one on meds for it).
I am afraid of one sister she is so scary I suspect she’s a psychopath! If I criticize anything about them or their dirty house or child abuse, they viscously attack me and keep it escalating and they refuse to accept any of it! This video helped me understand them more. Thanks bunches 🤗
What kept me in relationship with the narc and flying monkeys was my false hope that they'd change and and see that I wasn't who they said I was and accept me. And my sense of loyalty to family which was misguided since I was was treated contemptuously for decades. I was deluded. Better off without them.
I can so relate to this Michele!
@@dnk4559 we just have to grieve the losses and leave it all behind us. There's no chance of of happy, loving connected family with people who do what they do. Courage and wisdom to you.
@@michelepascoe6068 and the same to you!
They Truely have no future thinking.They will not make plans unless it suits them and then alone and most if their time is spent on wallowing in their own selfishness and never try to live with and compromise on anything.If they do ,it's all for their own cause
Thanks again for all you do Dr.C. I too enjoy Wednesdays 😉 ☺ 😊 🤗 🙂
You are so welcome, Amanda. I hope you are feeling better this week!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes thanks Dr.C. Well, Covid free at least. Take care ❣
This is so absolutely great tonight Dr Carter! I love all your videos of course. And I can definitely attest that I believe these evil people get meaner as they age. My narcissistic husband at 70 yrs old and our marriage of 37 yrs is getting worse for sure😢
I really appreciate you so much!!! You seem to know my ex boyfriend so so thoroughly! I am amazed, but even more astonished at how many people are or were in relationships just like me. (Even though I ended the 2 year relationship, he’s still trying to feed off me even though I’ve blocked him and ignore his attempts and slanderous behavior).
Thanks to all of you out there who encourage me and understand!! Blessings to all of you! Praying for you
Dr C you never fail to amaze me with your knowledge and expertise.I too have found this N in my family is co dependent and also will go out of their way to try and destroy me in all sorts of projection and denial and oh so insecure deep inside. It's so damaging for our relationship and they can't take their own inventory. Shame based is their internal component for sure! It's so so immature.I also recognize how my parents couldn't take her defiance when we were younger and she is taking it out on me. I'm a believer in thinking that if you live in the past ( like she does) you destroy your future. I can see 18:12 clearly now! Thank you for all your guidance Dr C. You know I'm on team healthy and I stand firmly in my truth. Hugs to Gus too! ❤️🐶😊
Thanks, K F, for such encouraging words!
Harsh behavior rarely leads to long term happiness because as soon as people can get away from a tyrant they will. Life experience does help one to be more future focused I agree. I guess it's true that we are "Too Soon Old and Too Late Smart". Another interesting topic Dr C glad to be part of Team Healthy!
I read an article in the newspaper of all things a while ago that a lot of malignant narcissists are the covert types. Good video, thank you.🌟
YOU ARE A GIFT TO MANY PEOPLE WHO ARE FEELING BROKEN 💔 FROM THESE KIND OF PEOPLE (TEARS OF JOY FOR HAVING YOU IN MANY LIVES...THANK YOU SO MUCHO DOCTOR OF WISDOM WHO EVER BLESSED YOU FOR YOUR GIFT FOR ME AND MANY MANY MANY ECT 👍
So true about compromising on small issues being unresolvable because major issues (good morals, values, constant need for admiration from other men, very poor financial decisions to the point of affecting my job, healthy boundaries) will never be understood or seen through the eyes of a narcissist!!!! The blame shifting, and not taking accountability, never self reflecting of the chaos they cause and constant hurting of the people that care the most and want to help them. They will never see or try to grasp the problems that exist. The entitlement that goes along with this type of behavior is so hurtful and undermining of feelings until it literally tears you apart inside.
Always thought she would change and really believed she loved me, is the reason our relationship lasted almost 25 years. But after actually educating myself on this type of behavior what a narcissism really is after looking at the reoccurring patterns over the years allowed me to understand she will never change and was enlightened, it was like a road map our relationship over the years with all this traits/behaviors. Best advice I could give is to educate your self and allow your self to heal by therapy and wholesome true friends and most importantly the Lord.
Thank you Dr. C. from Centreville, Virginia. I need to hear your Midweek sessions and videos like I need water! God bless you.
This session really helped me to clearly see why the narcissist in my life is behaving the way he is, and why I had to block him on social media. My job is now to find ways to intereact with dignity, respect, and compassion.
Wow Dr. C love the part on introspection and that healthy relationships require that balance. So when I seek anything which resembles said trait, I ask questions And questions are for fighting with a narc, not progress. Get to hear about all that I ever did wrong in my life and how I am not worthy. Add a couple drinks and it becomes an all nighter😆
Glad you're getting good use from the resources!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Immediately after this comment, burgurized for a lttle less than $1,000 in coins. Was only gone for 20 minutes and the Narc was in the front waiting on me (unusual) as we have a large estate. Asked the Natc. (narcissist) to be in the house as we have had familiars lately. Blackmail or she knows I'm saving for a getaway plan? I'm thrown completely off guard and frozen. Narc. agrees police can do nothing. This would be a most relevant topic in future podcasts imo. Thanks for all you do and blessings.
Dr. C I thank you so much for all of your clarity!!! You have helped me more than you will ever know. You have explained the 25 years ( and before marriage) of my marriage and how and why my husband treats me and has treated me in such as this and all you speak of. I never knew the name or why I was treated this way but you have shown me the light! Thank you so much!!!!!
There aren't enough words to thank you for these weekly sessions and your videos. You knowledge is amazing and even your voice is comforting. THANK YOU!
Days without your videos sometimes panic me.
There is a big catalogue of videos, so you should be ok!! Keep learning. Dr. C
Splendid detail & scope in narrowing down “what’s wrong” with us (all)! 😂☺️
I especially liked the part about paranoia as a tell; & I’m looking forward to learning something more as to boundaries (which was one of my parents’ strengths that I know I lack)!
The behaviors are self-evident-when experienced from someone else. But how “contagious” are they when you don’t want to lash-out against your friends?
Always getting good notes from Dr. Les-it’s better (with less math!!) than psych class!! 🌷❤️🩹🎁
Thank you Dr. C for your videos the work you do is so vital and have saved me from the many years of abuse. I am low low contact with my soon to her covert narcissist husband.These people are terrible in the worst ways.
Once, when I was talking about thr GREAT honor of taking care of my late husband until he passed away. How much I loved him and our relationship which was amazing. The narc looked wistful and barely audibly said: I've always wanted that kind of love but don't know how "
I explained it was work. Give and take over years on both sides. True depth takes time and effort. Then he scawled and said he could never do that...
We need more people who think like you.
This helps me so much. You are describing my mother to such a T, it amazes me. Thank you for helping me begin to understand why she treated me as she did. At 52 years old, it is still so deep and raw that I could sit down and cry about it at any moment. How do you heal all the pain that comes from having a narcissist mother?
Well,....you dont live with her, do you? That's the first thing. If she needs help, let the professionals do it. And, uh yeah, time to bail! Obviously I dont know the particulars or timeline for you, but bailing out, getting a new job, relocate.
When faced with disaster, DO SOMETHING. Doesnt matter if it might be wrong, it's better than doing nothing.
And think positive, your body doesnt care if you're wrong either. 💖
You get to a safe place, you can cry some more, that's ok, just take care of Number 1 first. 👸
It gets better, sis.
Jill welcome to team healthy! Glad to have you here! I needed a lot of therapy with a therapist specializing in NPD. I also read a lot of books on the topic and watching these TH-cam videos. I found educating myself on the personality disorder was very helpful to me to put a name on her manipulations and knowing why she behaves that way helped me not to take things as personally. In my case- I had to go no contact.
I couldn't have ever reached this development and gotten through some of this stuff without you.
You've been paramount to my healing.
So very pleased!! See you Wednesday!
Team healthy....love all of you...stay 💪 together..
@𝑷𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒅 by Surviving Narcissism Dr 😎. Cool..
How interesting. I've known my N was a very serious malignant type, but occasionally I saw covert and even vulnerable traits. He has been abusive for maybe 20 years on a regular basis, but never violent. Suddenly a serious stressor affected our marriage, and I became afraid that not only would it turn violent but that he would actually kill me. I fled. In the divorce he got exactly what he wanted (which had been challenged) and I realize that that danger had dissipated. He's still angry and abusive, but not life threatening. During that time I became totally indifferent to him, as if he's a stranger on the street. What a fabulous feeling!
💙
My husband‘s best friend called me to tell me that he planned to do an OJ Simpson on me in the middle of the night and wanted him to help. He refused obviously but I caught him multiple times messing with the air in one of my tires. A car that I drove our children around in!
He has been an absent father for 20 years and just came back a year and a half ago and now two of our four children are blaming me for their relationship with him when they were children. I don’t know what he has said or how he has twisted the past to make them think this, but it’s like they have absolutely no memory of how horrific he treated all of us.
It is mind blowing to me and breaking my heart. I know one day there are memories will return as minded from my own childhood trauma but in the meantime I’m heartbroken. This man is a monster! And I know deep down that he is very self-destructive, so I’m just going to sit back, knowing that he will soon self-destruct with those children and they will remember. I am trusting God in this situation and removing myself from it. God bless you and your journey, as He has in mine 🙏
@@PlasticAlleyKat I have absolutely no words for that! How evil! I am so sorry and pray that your future journey can be safe and happy.
@@PlasticAlleyKat I save every digital communications.
My late husband was the most stable and empathetic person I ever knew. A wonderful and loving man who invested the time and energy to really know me....I miss him more than I ever thought. And thrust into the cruel and confusing dating life....the narc was the first relationship. Sadly, my mother was a cruel and evil narc and this narc is EXACTLY like my mom.....he brings back every childhood trauma.....
Deep deep down they may be unconscious & unaware of their brokenness and shame and anger --- but on a conscious surface level they ARE aware of what they are doing AS EVIDENCED by their strategic calculating, planning, very specific strategies & games they play to hurt you & belittle you for 'supply'. They KNOW when to put on the mask & be cute funny charming in public - and when to take it off. They KNOW in public HOW to mock & cut you down for maximum effect so you are embarrassed and humiliated, and KNOW you will "take it" and be silent & not respond which would make the situation worse for you. They KNOW which of your buttons to push, when, where and how hard to push. They are brilliant award-winning actors & actresses and "all the world's a stage for them". To me their #1 conscious trait is "calculating" - and they are masters of it.
I agree
Hello Dr C! You really are so dedicated, so expert, and so helpful. I hope you get an award in recognition for your work.
Love IS patient, love IS kind 💞 but narcs have an eye for an eye mentality which just leaves them blind to it
When people are narcissistic and they think they can run peoples life’s or choose there life, how do you get the message across that you don’t want anything to
Deal with people like this??
YOU HAVE TO FORM PROTECTIVE BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF. THEN YOU GO COMPLETELY NO CONTACT AND DON'T ALLOW THEM IN YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE TO BE PERSISTENT.
Well, I had to call the police. Do whatever it takes for them to leave you alone.
For a number of reasons, no contact isn't possible for me. I now use the energy that I used to devote to trying to understand my mother and brother's manipulative and contemptuous behavior to figuring out the least number syllables and seconds I can use to respond to them. "Yes", "No", and "Oh", delivered with no vocal inflection or emotion, a flat facial expression and no other signs of emotion, like nervous energy, are my favorites. Once you do it a few times, it gets easier. You do have to be prepared for their reaction the first few times, and commit to not getting dragged into explaining or giving in to them. What mine crave are my time, attention and thoughts, so they can drag, criticize, mock and waste them. They'll take whatever I'm willing to give, whether it's fawning, pleading explanation or righteous indignation. It's all the same to them. I imagine that they hear me in the same way the adults were heard on the Charlie Brown cartoon: "Blah, blah, blah." They just want to keep me, detain me, devalue me and my time, thoughts and efforts. That's it, the whole thing. What I think or say is irrelevant. It's fascinating how devious and coordinated they are.
Good evening from South Africa...thank you Dr Carter for your input..it is of great value to me...I agree love is just something they cannot do..I really appreciate the support from this team...a big thank you
Blessings, Dr. Carter,
Thank you, for sharing your insight.
In this video, your lessons, and, wisdom are "On Point", ... as always.
CONTINUED Prayers, Love & Blessings ... Amen.
They LIVE paranoid!
Thank you Dr. Carter💝
You're the best, I appreciate you helping everyone even though I left my ex, I'm still healing
I found u about a year ago and I can't tell u how much you have helped my husband and I. Thank you team healthy. We now have hospist helping with my aging nac mil .They have been great 👍
Don't take what they say personally. Forgive and forget is the only way to move forward. Go no contact if you can. Pray for your enemy, love your enemy from a distance. Do good to those who despitefully use you.
Easier said than done. It is very personal when they attack you!Forgiveness needs an apology to forget. If they don't repent, they'll do it again. I have 3 aggressive physically abusive narcissistic brothers who have never changed for 40 years. Leaving them was the best thing I did 13 years ago. I've forgiven the sinner,..but not the sin
WHEN I WENT NO CONTACT, I REFUSE.THEIR INFLUENCE ON ME ANYMORE. NO I WILL NOT LOVE THEM. THEY DON'T DESERVE IT. I WILL LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF. LET GOD DEAL WITH THEM.
Nah.
Thank you so much for this talk. Meanness and harshness is exactly what I am going through this week all because I did not agree with him and stood my ground in a calm and dignified manner (exactly the way you taught us.) I see the patterns so clearly now because of all your videos. This talk will help me get through this latest episode. Thank you again.
Narcissistic people do not like social media because it's easy for their lover wife or husband to learn more about the narcissist
... but on the other hand, signaling virtue is easier to accomplish when all is virtual. They can play their charade games from a distance. They look for any tool at their disposal.
19:44 excellent question and answer. Very good listening 👍
Thanks for all you do and share. Your sharing is helping many grow in and with healthy boundaries.
Thank you so much, Dr. C. I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful insight you provide. You are a true sanity check in my life. Love and thanks to you and Gus.
You are quite welcome.
Doc I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SOUL AND INSPIRATION THANK YOU FOR BEING THE CHOSEN FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME, I SENT YOU A HUGE HUG 🤗 I LOVE YOU DOC 🌹
Love received with gratitude.
New era with a changing of the guard at work. I told my employees,let's respect, be civil and act and treat each other with dignity.
That has a nice ring to it!!! Way to go. Leadership starts at the top.
It's words that really struck home with the 45 who heard them. The day before they were told the 3 people retiring who had near 100 years experience between them, was such a loss to the org. In my head, I thought, some experience needs to be lost and rebuilt anew and I'm all in for that. The old ways aren't always the right ways just because "that's the way we always did it" comply. Don't break the mold or we'll break you." Has got to go.
Hi Dr Carter,
I’ve wonky recently started following you and I have honestly gained so much insight from watching your videos, I really appreciate and value your wisdom knowledge and authenticity.
Thank you 🙏
Thanks so much, Vanessa!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Also Dr Carter, is there somewhere people can email a topic of interest for you to possibly look at when you do your lives and videos? I have a few questions that I’d love to hear your perspective and opinion on. Thanks 🙏
I am grateful to Dr C! You have helped me on my way to healing
So pleased. #TeamHealthy
I do look forward to the broadcasts! I AM HEALING. Yes, present thinking ex once said, he meant his wedding vows at the time of marriage. Must of just been for the hour. Oh gosh. Just incredible. Thank you!
Thank you Soo much Dr. C . I'm upstate NY. Soo heartbroken 🥺
Hang in there. It will get better. This is a good channel.
These people are wasting there time.
Dr C, thanks a lot for this very interesting & informative Q&A session 🌺❤
Glad you enjoyed it!
My Irish cousin says, “A day without potato is like a day without sunshine. 😊 I say same about you, Dr Carter.
“A day without Dr C ☀️ is like a day without sunshine.” ☮️ 💕 thanks 🙏
Are you calling me a potato? (just kidding). Thanks, Karen!!
You are ☀️ sunshine ☀️ Dr Carter.
Love, light, hope and grace.
All wrapped up in one. 🤗
@@SurvivingNarcissism Maybe a sweet potatoe Dr C! A bunch make a great tasting pie! Just like team healthy!
Hello from OZ. Been loving your videos . Really fine points made in each one. See 618k subscribers , that’s brilliant. Hello everyone , prayers for your journey 👍💛
Thanks so much!!
FEAR DRIVES ANGER! I AM GOING TO GET TO YOU BEFORE YOU GET TO ME!!!!! This whole outline is my son!
Some of the gaslightibg games are so inane and childish, you would normally consider them to be pathetic if they weren't so damaging.
Ps Jesus loves you and so do I Thanks for being Obedience to God voice
Thanks brother man for the good words
Thank you
Today's topic was so spot on for me with what and who I am dealing with concerning my husband.
Dr Carter could you please give some examples of things we can say back to a narcissist when this keeps happening. Being silent helps but I would like to know what can we say when the attacking continues, to try and defuse the situation?
Ha ha ha. 🤣Waffles or cereal. Least I am laughing more as time goes on. One time I made a homemade angel food cake for his birthday. Upon seeing it, he whined and said that he wanted an upside down pineapple cake. He almost got the angel food cake upside down. Thank God I am done. Thank you God for your work!
My mother threw a homemade chocolate cake at my father when he complained that it was too hot to bake 🤦♀️ it hit the wall behind him & slid down slowly 🤷♀️ still remember as a kid wishing I could have some! Suppers we’re he’ll as all meals with a narc are difficult
Haha. I would have emptied a can of pineapple into a round pan then put the angelfood cake on top of it, smiled and said:"there ya go".
@@caroleminke6116 last Thanksgiving my 40 year old N son was mixing up the cornbread dressing (contains sage , onions, celery) at my home. Instead of adding a stick of regular butter, he had a large amount of left over "dill seasoned butter" that he brought to my home & so he used it instead, although I questioned him. ... the dressing was awful. Pretty much inedible but I'm sure he expected that. Please note that usually he is a perfectionist talented picky gourmet cook- so it was a good way to "ding" my Thanksgiving dinner at my home - so I purposely did not take the bait or complain. One year he used a Graham cracker crust for pumpkin pie at his grandmother's home - it was ruined & tasted disgusting and grandma told him never again. They love to "ruin" dishes during the holidays - I'm convinced they are "daring" you, testing you, challenging you. Because if you take the bait & say anything negative -that opens the door for them to escalate it into a fight in which you are the problem, the bad guy. 👎
Just started watching, sorry I am a couple days late, and before I start watching let me say thanks in advance to Doctor C and to my friends on Team Healthy! You guys keep me going through some tough times, thoughts, and memories! Everyone here Rocks!
Love from the Netherlands! 🇳🇱 and thank you for everything!!
TOPIC IDEA:.... "How N's COPY people".... I believe that since they have no core IDENTITY.. they often find people they admire for various reasons.. and then take on their beliefs, habits, almost their entire personality. My N. Golden Child brother did this, with a person.. for nearly 15 years.. during which time, i thought i had the most wonderful loving caring brother. Literally, on the day this person died, my brother instantly flipped back into the malignant Narcissist he was.. and projected such vile rage towards me that has never ceased. This was a complete switch from one personality, to another. Please talk about this ??... thank you so much for all you do... You have saved my life. k.
Thank you Dr C and Team Healthy. All the bestest : )
Thank you, Dr. Carter! 🙏🥰
You're most welcome!