This was a great listen today When I met the narc 24 yrs ago I was sunshine & light . Happy fun loving many friends. I finally realized @ 72 I gave it all up What I believed he was I was so wrong. He worked on my weakest link family. Now 9 mo no contact divorce signed I look 20 yrs younger. That alone should say to me “ your free” Surrender find growth heal my inner child. Grateful everyday When I let go of his lack of being able to love, self medicating egomaniacal fearful , non identity persona. All of that came off my face. Friends cannot believe the change & in my I found an endless summer TY Dr C
One of my mistakes has been assuming that others think like me; that they care about and sympathise with and love others. The narcissist assumes that others are dishonest, competitive users like themselves.
Yup. That was my outlook four years ago when I got suckered by the narcs. Now, I observe for longer, time was the best present I gave myself when I first started listening to Dr Carter, then the knowledge could come into that space I made by just taking my time with everything. Time to breathe, let time pass before (if at all) replyingng to texts, time to consider outrageous requests (and now ignore them) Time To Learn.
@@elinor6525Me too. I feel that going slow (and looking like I'm doing nothing!) is giving space for new realisations of healthier ways and letting this become established as a better way of going about life. Like I'm rearranging my internal mapping.
@@elipotter369 Yes, I am still practicing taking time to reply instead of reacting. Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has a Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated, and her Daily Practice, which I find helpful.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...empaths of the world circle up, shout it out! "No apology for me". Hang with those who know and appreciate your gifts!
28:21 it’s hard for men to get a divorce if there’s a chance he may lose custody of the children. And getting a lawyer can drain all the finances and not guarantee the children will be safe if they end up with her. On top of that, the shared custody of rotating weekends can be gruesome if she’s vindictive and he misses an appointment, if she’s horrible and wicked only goodness knows how horrible she will make his life and then there’s alimony. So many men are scared to do the right thing out of fear his wife will destroy him financially and punish him emotionally . It’s very sad…
Robbing as a narcissist is how they survive. They don’t understand that truly loving someone is risky. It is that risk that scares the narcissist, because inwardly they know they have shortcomings emotionally. It’s that very low self esteem that disables the Narcissist and angers them. They want to level the playing field so they don’t have to try very hard. Other peoples feelings are just not a concern because the Narcissist only knows what he feels. No one knows best but the narcissist, and if you don’t believe it… just ask him! ( or her )
I remember years ago someone at my work pointed out to me that I am not responsible for my Grandmother, my father is. He had trained me to be responsible for all of the other family members and I was blind to the fact that I was being used. When I eventually needed family support nobody even bothered and then I noticed that some of them still wanted to come to me for support whilst I was in the middle of a major health crisis, also so did some of my friends. I let all of those people go. I also found out that narcissists will argue with you to oppose a boundary if you set one and of course they really don't have that right. I am fairly isolated now but confident that I will meet people that I can have positive friendships with as I go about my business. I only allow relationship to build slowly now. Any controlling signs and I just drift away.
Smart👍🏻👍🏻.You likely won't know a lot of people...But even just (1) genuinely healthy nontoxic person is worth far more than all the toxic people out there combined🙂.
Every time I've ever let my guard down around my fam, particularly my father tho all of them, I'm just being myself and whoa! I will do something that sets him off!! Then they have the gall to say I don't trust them. It's impossible to be yourself around people so controlling, you can't relax
I recall saying "I'm not that girl!" Stay true to you, don't live with a liar, a thief; stay true to you, don't become someone your values can not recognize.
For me it was "I am not one of your bimbos." And "...but I am not your mom!!" It was really dangerous, he raged afterwards. Looking back, I shouldn't habe done it while being alone with him.
The narcissists in my life "took over" my interests, inserting themselves without asking me, setting themselves up as an authority after doing it once or twice, then pushing me out and sneering at me for my "incompetence" and lack of enthusiasm, heavily implying that being mocked and criticised while doing my hobby was no more than I deserved, and I should be grateful for it. Oh and I was also "too sensitive".
@@rwdchannel2901 Well one of them was a parent, so less easy! The main other was my first husband, and I have a much clearer sense of myself and what I can/should tolerate now. It's hard to establish boundaries when you were brought up to have no sense of self to begin with.
@@rwdchannel2901Woohoo,congrats🥳👍🏻🎉.I'm quietly getting my 🦆s in a row before cutting off my narc dad,I actually plan on celebrating it every year...Perhaps I'll call it my "liberty day"😊.
Sheesh. When we were little kids, my grandma would get us alone and say, “I love you, even if nobody else does.” That was a real shocker, even as a kid. *And she was anything but loving! 😳
There really isn’t an adult home inside a narcissist so he’s just trying to fill this void with what you have… fear rage envy revenge & denial is always the low vibe pattern that they cycle through with very little alteration in the two year old behavior
My husband gave me a great phrase years ago when I was frustrated with people asking for my help with gardening, decorating etc. whatever particular skill of mine they needed. These same people never seemed to reciprocate in return when I asked for their assistance. “User Friendly” I am vigilant now towards people of this ilk, but I do get a laugh from them when I do identify them.
What a great phase, "Well, that's at I decided." I was raised by 2 Narcissists, overt & covert. I'm 62 and just, 2-3 yrs, found out why life has been so hard. I've come to accept things aren't going to get better with my spouse, so I'm finally ready to assert myself more in the vein of looking out for myself and not overgiving to others. Les, you are the first youtube counselor I found when I went to look up "scapegoat". That was the beginning of my slow recovery. I started watching a couple of your videos a day. Thank you for your work. You have had a fatherly/grandfatherly feel to me.
I love hiking. My narc husband "hates" hiking. So I started going with friends. The problem is that I got punished with the silent treatment every time I came back. Now I hardly ever go hiking and when I do is alone because nobody eats to "be the cause" of my marriage problems.
Better to have your kids on your terms half the time.... than to have to tippytoe around the wife 100 percent of the time. Think about what you are teaching your kids about relationships. Don't let the kids see you accept being abused.
Yes, don't divorce yourself to be with someone. If they behave like they own you and you owe them, run! 🚩 We don't really lose ourselves though, just all our naivety, betrayal blindness, ppl pleasing ways, lack of boundaries, reciprocity and self-neglect, taking on others shame and blame to appease and prop up ppl who don't love and respect us or do their own work. Remember, cruel and unkind words leave bruises and scars too. In the aftermath we can gain the needed clarity and wisdom to become better, smarter versions of ourselves as we rebuild ourselves, determine our worth, values and needs, shore up our boundaries and pivot higher minded to give ourselves the care and love, life purpose and peace we really need. They teach us to know ourselves better, discern who's safe or not and not to give ourselves away to anyone or allow them to use, control, manipulate and steal from us like that. When you get away and introspect to come out of the fog (fear, obligation, guilt) and look at it all in retrospect, the narc gets us to set those purposeless parts of ourselves on fire to burn off all we are not, so we empower ourselves to become all that we truly are. There's a certain beauty created from our ashes when lessons are learned, we can mature and become wiser and stronger, forgive but never forget. No repeats required. We can see it as a gift in that we get to truly know, albeit the hard way, who we are, what we really do want and who it's best and safest to be around. 💝✌️Thanks Dr C. for always sharing your wisest and best with us all. xx 💞
That individual is so miserable & wanting everyone around them to stoop to their level - that said - I can see why folks tend to loose themselves. But - you need to start off doing the things you love by yourself. If that spouse, child, friend ect … cares & loves you - they will follow suit & slowly start doing things with you. If they don’t over a period of time - then you need to choose how involved you want them in your life.
I was dismissed so many time, I finally stopped saying anything about my interest. Instead I would by any discussion with the Narcissist. Then proceeded to follow through with what I wanted to do. My favorite is the time I decided to grow pumpkins. So got his uncle to plow up a spot and I put out fertilizer, had already started the plants from seed. Then he got interested and planted watermelons and canalopes . He basically took it away from me and I turned him loose and took my hands off of the whole project. He worked himself to death and I just watched. This did not make me mad, I actually got a good laugh out of it! Nothing like the Narc biting off more than they can chew to get the ackalades !!!! Clapping Hands and Cheers!!!!!!
Aaron, she will stop at nothing. And guess what? Sign that post-nup with zeal, zest, and zero contact!! She has to live with her robber self. You choose not to live with a thief! Stay above that nasty fray. P.S. congratulations on making it to this point. Journey forward, onward, and upward!
@@nancytwigg4631 Thx, Nancy. I signed with a big goofy grin on my face. She’s swirling in her own waste, and even the kids are backing away. I squint toward the unencumbered future to life with good company.
@@aaronkwolfeHi Aaron. May I second everything Nancy said and applaud your positivity. No matter what happens, you write with good humour and hope from what must be anger and hurt. Good for you. You've come a long way down a hard road. Your future roafs will be far easier and enjoyable!! As you say, you can look forward to spending time with decent folk. All the best Aaron 👍
Aaron, her last attempt at a power grab doesn't matter, your freedom is more important. You will show your children who you are by what you do. It's best not to react at all.
Thank you for your work Dr C. I see now, how neither the scapegoat nor the golden child are allowed to be themselves, growing up with a narcissistic parent. They both have the function of propping up the narcissist and making them feel superior, and neither are loved. But they both think that the GC is loved. Nope, they are used too, only one is rewarded and the other punished.
I am still dealing with the NPD husband of 40 yrs and now both adult sons have been bought with $ and now I must set no contact boundaries with both sons and their families, 6 grandchildren. My daughter is at home with me still at age 42 with delayed development but high functioning . She is surely the scapegoat and the sons are golden child and other one vulnerable I’d say . He got manipulated with his father and brother and now knows it and is trying to have relationship with me but now my question is what do I with the adult children that so need truth so they can be set free . I believe this to be generational sin and will need to be addressed . As my Christian Psychiatrist identified my husband 10 yrs ago and he too was going through it with a 30 year marriage and we both know the truth but so so few do . So please address the adult children who are under his control ?
Hi Dr. C. I have lost "me". I am made to feel quilty if I pursue my interests. It's a struggle to finish a project. You were speaking directly to me in this video. I am getting stronger because of listening to you and reading the comments of Team Healthy!
Dr. C, how and why do narcissists give gifts as a form of manipulation? And why do I feel guilty for thinking this? My mother in law takes no interest in my life and is very invalidating towards me in private, yet she sends my parents and other family members on my side of the family very expensive gifts. It’s so confusing because of how she treats me.
A bit off topic but imo empathy is one of the greatest and most beautiful qualities a human being could have. And narcs have little or none. See the consequences.
At fifteen, I knew my parents were not good for eachother. My mother being an alcoholic and abusive and my dad trying to hold things together. I have always wished they would have gotten divorce or my mother walked out. They stayed married for 51 yrs until my dad passed in 2014. It was not a good marriage. I never got married & I'm in my early fifties. I looked at them & thought if that's marriage, I want no part of it. Just a thought!
This is a very healthy view on people and the diversity in terms of their sensitivity and again conveyed in a caring way using beautiful words that feel like a balm for the soul for someone who is somewhere on the HSP spectrum. Thank you 😌🙏
My sister does that. Any interest I have, or any topic about which I might know more than she does, like the visual arts, is minimised and subtly put down.
What if the narcissist is your estranged son? Who whenever I reach out, hands me the most evil and horrific responses. I have been estranged for 12 yrs, reach to him about every 5. I try to give him space, but I realize something is not right. Hates me cause I divorced his father....
I've though of my life/me when I graduated from university and I can't believe I was so built up and have been so beaten down. I'm going to start seeing myself as that person. I will not give up on my lifes intentions.
Here’s another fun question or set of fun questions concerning all the narcissists we know. Have you ever seen a narcissist act overly respectful and obedient towards authority figures that have higher status or seemingly higher status?
Thank you for the comments regarding "sensitive" individuals. I've also been wondering where the line is. ❤ Whoa. I never would have thought the "I love you" comment was gas lighting. I'm somehow very bad at this . [I just successfully completed my first "emergency" home repair/maintenance project without the husband's involvement! (He's been super covert lately.) It went really well. Little to no drama. Less stress!!!!) Notes: Don't get pulled in by their non-growth tactics. Remember that many (possibly most) of their tactics are subconscious. "Mimics others"-- absolutely. Non-blending. I was definitely robbed but am on my way back and getting better. Need well-defined sense of who I am. Don't defer to his preferences all the time (ESPECIALLY when I know his are inaccurate). They don't have a sense of self-sufficiency. The best way to teach anything is to model it. (This is why you, Dr. C, are so good for us.) ❤
Woot. Congrats on the solo repair. Learning to fend for yourself is a great attribute. Doing it with little or no contact is even better. Glad to see the progress.
Doctor C's analysis is the first time I've heard a therapist talk about how narcissists can size people up according to their talents and knowledge. The therapist I had was stuck on the theory that I was looking for someone with a bright light that I could stand in the light because I didn't use my own. When I would say that I felt fine about my own light they would disregard that.
This is what I love about Dr. C, he tells it like it is and sometimes says something that I do not expect to hear. For most of my life especially when I was a child I was told I was too sensitive and needed to develop a thicker skin. What I noticed happened was those who treated me like I was less than or weak because of it, I tried to stay away from or barely spoke so I did not have to deal with their ridicule. Now I can say what I want without fear. Now I respond with "This is who I am if you don't like it you don't need to be around me". The number of times my tidiness (burned in me as a child) has been looked at as too rigid. Nothing compared to my mom who I have been compared to, knew it was a negative comparison. Now I say "Wow I never knew being clean and tidy was a negative trait."
Can I ask a question? It’s about large families and a narcissist child. Why would one child be narcissistic and all the other kids be well-adjusted having had the same parents and similar upbringings? This is also considering the parents aren’t narcissistic either?
I have a friend in this situation. Family of 6 including parents + 4 sisters, 2 are Twin sisters , pop dies, one twin beautiful personality. Second twin even put her hands around another sister's neck and left a mark, works for the PD, so hard to get a restraining order. Bad twin has always been bad.
It’s because in a large family- each child goes through different roles according to when the parents had them. Example: young parents are new to everything & more strict. Then the other children come along & the parents live & learn from past mistakes & sometimes the older children are like … What ? And maybe come resentful- then the younger children are spoiled & by then sometimes- parents are doing better financially. I’m a middle child. And as adults- I think some kids just take it personally & cannot get past the resentment of their siblings. Hope this helps.
Can I please ask about setting boundaries with narcs bosses at work? After growing up with narcissistic parents, I’m constantly feeling triggered by my N boss who is a fault-finder, critical, grandiose etc. I’m overdoing my work and take on helping others because I can see they are struggling. When I push back on the work load, the answer is “make sure to work within your work hours but where’s this report?!?!” When I say the deadline must be extended, she keeps saying, “give me a better date” until I succumb to the pressure and try to work more to meet it. When I don’t, I’m blamed and others are praised in my face, but only until they are blamed and I’m praised for working extra hard. I feel sick at work and need to figure out how to push back and not go back to feeling like a child under my Dad’s rage. I’m 50 and had a great career. I know my work is of good quality but the boss constantly has a message of - I know you’ve done something wrong here, let me find it…
I wish I had learned to give that response of, 'well that's the decision I've made' within the 35 years of My marriage...I know those words would have made Me a STRONGER person a lot sooner 👍🏼
My mother in law did an assertiveness training class and then did some verbal pushback to her emotionally abusive husband. He blocked her from doing part 2 of the course. My husband, having grown up watching this unloving relationship, eventually displayed the same behaviour as his father. It wasn't until many years later i realised he'd been selfish and manipulative from the start.
That's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss myself and have been trying to live with meaning ever since I've come to know why I was robbed. No wonder I Always felt better whenever he wasn't around.
Wow! It is so amazing how your weekly podcast addresses so many of the questions I have. I also had a person who loved to tell me how selfish and ungrateful I was - something that they knew was deeply offensive to who I am - and when I'd had enough and packed up to move out, she tried to guilt trip me with saying she couldn't believe I would abandon her when she has such abandonment issues. I basically told her that she was always raging at how selfish and ungrateful of a person I was and if that is true (when I would call her on those words, she would ask "What part of what I said wasn't true?"), Then I was just living up to her expectations of me. Haven't spoken in 3 blissful years even though mutual friends try to encourage it on my part. I wish I had been strong enough to leave when the abuse first started instead of thinking I had to fix myself in order to make the relationship work. So important to believe in who you are and don't be swayed by anyone.
Dr. Carter you are a blessing and I am so grateful to you, team healthy and Gus. I have two questions for you. I went NC with my mom about three months ago. Last week she told me through my brother that I am dead to her. My counselor said this is usually their final death throes of trying to get you to fall in line. Is that something you have noticed as well? Also, I have a three year old daughter and people aren't kidding when they say 3 is harder than 2. She's a great kid but she's still a toddler and learning. Recently if my husband or I get a little short with her because of frustration she asks if we are angry with her and it breaks my heart. We always apologize and talk it out with her but I was wondering if you could explain the healthiest approach to handle a full on kicking and screaming tantrum (of a toddler and a narcissist because they are basically the same I've come to find)
I'll try to include the first question in next week's session, but the short answer is yes, it is a desperate attempt to shame you into compliance...as if that's somehow a reasonable strategy to create harmony. As tho the Q about your daughter (you're not alone on this one) don't apologize for feeling angry. Your task is to learn to corral your anger enough that it is still handled with decency. Then turn the discussion into finding ways to cooperate with each other. There is an old book that to me is the gold standard for parenting. Liberated Parents, Liberated Children, by Adele Faber. She was a regular mom who went to parenting classes taught by the renowned psychologist, Haim Ginot. The book is about how she took his principles and applied them inside her own home. It is full of great illustrations and it's written from Mom's perspective.
Dr. C, can you address the effect of repetition on narcissistic abuse? They present their agenda over and over and over. They present the role you are supposed to be in over and over and over. They even present a false history of what has happened in the past over and over and over. It's not just the message, but the repetition of the message time after time after time that has an effect. It's insidious. Can you discuss this aspect of narcissist abuse, please?
When you grow up being told what to do,what to like,how to be, it's difficult to know which bits are you. I have a very clear picture in my mind of the first time of very few where I felt, this is me. I was 5. Decades of it squeezed away most traces of recognition of my core self. From fam to friends partners and workplaces, shapeshifting for others. But once you wake up, you can reconnect with yourself. We are all conditioned as kids to 'fit in' and worse when your fam shoehorn you Into their fit. Problem is we live in a very damaged world. Don't fit in, be yourself. I can tell you at near 6 decades that it is not worth it. Just be you. Just live it. There's nothing wrong with you, bring all your good traits to the fore and embrace them. We can then connect with others who are open and emphatic just like we are and stop fitting in with the toxic people ✌
Ugh, I just spent about 2 weeks with my narc because a child of theirs needed care during a recovery. For the first time ever, we got into 2 major arguments, one of which caused me to stop a car in the middle if the street because I was so tired of being attacked and bullied. It was one of the few times I have ever succumbed to a verbal attack. I am back away from them now, and so glad I am in a calmer place.
This narcassist always says you too sensitive. Im like i like who i am. I made the mistake one time said i rather be sensitive then someone meaning the narcissist you are an intellect. The narcissist went crazy! Well now im learning dont even react.
Thank you for that! That's exactly what mummy dearest did to me ... "I love you". Yeah right. Not falling for that one again. She just wants to hook me and get me under her control again.
My daughter accused me of being drug addicted because of anti-depressants. Same reason her daughter took her own life. I told her it was none of her business, and she doesn't get to dictate who I am. I'm not her puppet to pull strings and make me dance, and parrot what she wants me to say. She replied that I'm insane. Could I have said something better?
Hi Dr. C , I like bathing in your wisdom..I'm even adopting some of your jargon like calm assertiveness. .Question: I keep hearing people advise that we need to take our time to figure someone out. How much time do we need to vet someone given that life in itself is short and fertile years are passing us by?
If it's a romantic partner, two of three months AT LEAST. If they are a narc, they can put on a good show to start, but find it harder and harder to maintain it as time passes. The cracks start to show in about 6weeks and that's just the beginning. That's not set in stone, but I saw it happen to a friend of mine, new whirlwind romance, he moved in in less than a week two months later, done, she ended it. However he's back...new promises... We will support her, but she's got to see it for what it is.
@@elinor6525wow that's true. I think if we see cracks early on we tend to chalk it up to no 1s perfect. I didn't get gaslighted by a covert narc until month 11.
I have a question that I suspect does not have a simple answer. How does a victim of narcissistic abuse get out of survival mode after having gone no contact or grey rock? Especially for some like me raised with it where it has been all I have known and become an ingrained way of life.
Dr. C, thank you for being of such help to people. I have a question for your next video if it hasn't been asked before. Can you please make a distinction between NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder) because sometimes people clump them together as if they're one and the same, but they're actually different. People with BPD have empathy, they don't run from self-awareness or shame etc. It's also good to point out that sometimes some people can have both but on average there are many people with just BPD that are unfairly viewed as if they are also immediately NPD.
One thing that strikes me as problematic - when an adult is afraid of "getting into trouble" with their spouse. I don't think it necessarily means that one spouse is a narcissist - but it suggests that there is an unhealthy power differential, the spouses are not interacting as equals.
Question: Can a narcissist compromise? Whenever I have a disagreement with the N in my life, I'm told I'm the one who can't compromise, even though I feel I've capitulated so much I have no more ground to give up.
Can narrisim kill a person by the stress it causes? All day, everyday I need to walk on eggshells. Everyday I need to remind myself to be calm when the rage session starts. Everyday no empathy. This can't be good on the body with all of the cortisol that is being dumped in my system.
Thank you Dr C! Always appreciate your guidance/expertise as these people get worse with age and the best way to deal with them is steer clear as much as possible. They are responsible for their actions/toxicity and while sad to a degree, they are responsible for what results. Best to acknowledge as an empathetic person, no matter how much one can to do help them they are beyond it. It’s ok as while this was a tough lesson best thing is to find peace on your own accord, care with a bit of skeptical knowledge, and live life healthy and independently
BTW, my 5 year old granddaughter likes to come into my study, then we'll find the song, Walk of Life (with the guy who dances throughout the video) and she and I will dance together. All that to say, I like Dire Straights.
@SurvivingNarcissism ~ Love that, Doc C! 😊 As a lifelong musician/enthusiast, may I suggest Mark Knofler's solo work. 'Get Lucky' is a down-home acoustic piece. 🎶 A mellow tune for sure.
A FRIEND OF MINE SAID TO A PERSON WHO TALKED BLABLA AND THE RESPONCE IS A LOT OF TIMES AN ANSWER BACK BUT AN ANSWER THAT MAKES MORE STORY'S...SO THIS FRIEND SAYS IMMIDIATELY TO THE BLABLA: " THAT'S YOUR OPINION". AND THE FRIEND DO WHAT HE ALREADY WENT TO DO. OR SOME NEIGHBOUR SAID TO HIM 'I HEAR YOU ARE NOT ANYMORE (HIS EX GIRLFRIEND)WITH XX". THAN THE SAME FRIEND ANSWERED IMIDIATELY WITHOUT EVEN LOOKS LIKE HE WAS THINKING WITH: " I HEARD THAT TOO!".😅
Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Narcissists want to take you life and the very blood in your veins. Don't ever use the children as a reason for staying because you are teaching them how to be narcissistic too. You can always take them with you too. In my experience, they never say "I love you" unless they know you are thinking about kicking them to the curb. As a last resort to keep you in your place in their mind. Don't play the game. Thank you for a very educational and informative video Dr. Carter.
QUESTION: If you could, please talk about the narcissist and their infidelity. Not just the fact that they will cheat and lie. But how some of them will reject their spouse completely. Have affairs & use porn.. but avoid intimacy and affection of any kind at home I am talking years- all the while professing their love & fidelity. Yet making up reasons from “Im too tired” to “I’m not attracted to you that way anymore”… I am working hard on my own journey to let go of what’s been done to me by betrayal, rejection & dismissal. But I am finding it difficult to have self-confidence with so many unanswered questions. It would really help if you could enlighten me as to why this behavior occurs. Maybe I could let go of self-the doubt and shame.. Praying & trusting God and appreciate your ongoing support & platform. THANK YOU DR. C 🙏🏼
@ncbeachbumintn My heart goes to you. I never thought he would cheat until I was served papers--in the mail. I was unaware of the red flags because I dont see pure evil and neglect obviously. Kept busy with kids and family while he froze me out. Held hope it would improve as kids grew up and he achieved ranks at work. Nope. Was made to feel worthless and inept while I was killing myself to overcompensate for the void by doing more for others. They are the problem and parasite. Talk to a counselor AND a priest/religious AND good people that love you. Take time and find yourself. You are an amazing, worthy person. Appreciate yourself and heal. You find that and perhaps you will find another/others who will appreciate you too.
I have gotten clarity about various issues over my life by seeking help from objective therapists when needed. BetterHelp is a very affordable, private, new way to get guidance. Perhaps you could look into finding someone there. I wish you the best in your journey back to self-love.
I think when we are younger there are things we look at a certain way until we finally grow up and understand why it's a problem. I think maybe a long time ago I probably thought maybe I got to be trusted or have early maturity if I was called on by someone to help them solve their problems. It's a different story now that I'm an adult and have to recognize I don't want to fix their stuff. And I've had to learn about Narcissism and then the fact that person doesn't recognize or even care that they ruin your relationship with them because you don't get to be who are supposed to be in relation to them. I think it's good on some level if you know people think you're wise enough to help them and can be trusted but I just wonder if these people are so blinded by their neediness that they don't know what they're doing, or if they just don't care that it causes damage trying to turn you into a best friend or therapist. I didn't really realize it actually does become more than a kid could handle until I grew up to where I am now realizing this person isn't even concerned with my boundaries and can't accept it if I'm honest and explain that I don't have them as a particular family member anymore because I got turned into something else I never was supposed to be. It doesn't seem to be understood that I can't genuinely want to ever connect if they're not concerned with the fact that even if I help them, their expectations has already ruined our relationship. Even after calling her by her first name, and pointing out enmeshment in a disturbing way didn't even get the point across. I'd think a healthy person that maybe got carried away would feel some sort of way if you addressed them by first name instead of relations, or would back up and think of how it looks that they're putting you in a place in their life you shouldn't be. That would normally be enough for someone hat can cope with life to stop what they're doing. I know if someone pointed this out and demonstrated by not acknowledging our family ties or pointed out I was too close in another relationship it would sure bother Me because I don't think I'd want to hear that truth or want to be faced with the reality that that's what I was doing. I don't think I'd want to have to realize that even if they do help another relationship that I've still already ruined our's.
I have a question Dr C: My experience is that narcissists have real psychosis mostly with different kind of delusions like having an illness and being deadly sick, there partner being unfaithful… Is it common that narcissists have psychosis? Is it more common for narcissists having psychosis than for those who are not narcissists?
Technically narcissism is not psychosis, which refers to being out of touch with respect to time, place, or person. But I've often said they are out of touch with reality...they're stuck in Alternate Reality.
For the guy with kids and an abusive wife I have been there and even though he didn’t touch or target the kids, they witnessed the abuse. You will end up losing. My kids have no respect for me now and dad walks on water because he’s Big Boss I didn’t divorce earlier after thinking that the kids would suffer but now I know I allowed abuse for nothing. Either way they would have suffered mental and emotional abuse.
Your words of wisdom concerning highly sensitive people have been a light and revelation to me personally, and I am deeply grateful! Thank you so much for selflessly giving yourself every week. May God profoundly bless you and yours for your faithfulness. ❤
Hi Dr. Carter, I agree with and thank you profusely 100% with everything you say. However, I would love for you to talk about the shame that victims feel from living with a narcissist the lying in the covering up, we have to do because of the embarrassing things they do or don’t do i.e. work! That’s what I am struggling with the other stuff. I guess I know who I am I know who I’ve always been but I’ve been living with a abusive narcissist and I’ve known that and now I absolutely know what you validated all my fears and worries. But would you please just touch on the shame we feel. Thank you Laura
Why does the narcissist move so quickly from one subject to the other? Like for example he comes to the room asking a question about something and right when I start answering he’ll move on and ask about something else entirely different and by the time I realize and stop talking to try to answer his second question, he is already gone out of the room not even listening!!!! I find this completely and utterly annoying and I don’t know what is this behaviour called and what’s the correct way to address it with the narcissist.
My answer to the question is my narc hated his stepmother and stepsister so I got the payback. In addition he enjoyed mind games so he would have schemes that often I didn’t know where it came from. My ex wanted me for my genes and child rearing abilities. One of our sons is so impressive that the narc wants to be him, and I don’t get a relationship.
PLEASE READ THIS! They don't get better. They only get worse. If you think it will get better, it won't. Get out now.
Hard to do when they tail and hack you
Truth, they get much worse over time and discard you when it is at your most vulnerable time in life.
@@obligatoryaccount4755 exactly, even more of a reason to get out now.
I wish I knew this years ago!
@@kristinaekstrand Me too. I was in it for 29 years, then her mask came off completely.
This was a great listen today
When I met the narc 24 yrs ago I was sunshine & light . Happy fun loving many friends.
I finally realized @ 72 I gave it all up
What I believed he was I was so wrong. He worked on my weakest link family.
Now 9 mo no contact divorce signed
I look 20 yrs younger. That alone should say to me “ your free”
Surrender find growth heal my inner child. Grateful everyday
When I let go of his lack of being able to love, self medicating egomaniacal
fearful , non identity persona. All of that came off my face.
Friends cannot believe the change & in my I found an endless summer
TY Dr C
on being sensitive, seems the narcissist seeks out the sensitive
One of my mistakes has been assuming that others think like me; that they care about and sympathise with and love others.
The narcissist assumes that others are dishonest, competitive users like themselves.
Yup. That was my outlook four years ago when I got suckered by the narcs.
Now, I observe for longer, time was the best present I gave myself when I first started listening to Dr Carter, then the knowledge could come into that space I made by just taking my time with everything.
Time to breathe, let time pass before (if at all) replyingng to texts, time to consider outrageous requests (and now ignore them)
Time To Learn.
@@elinor6525 Yes, me too. Thankful for learning better ways
@@elinor6525Me too. I feel that going slow (and looking like I'm doing nothing!) is giving space for new realisations of healthier ways and letting this become established as a better way of going about life.
Like I'm rearranging my internal mapping.
Right!!!!! And treat YOU as such....😑
@@elipotter369 Yes, I am still practicing taking time to reply instead of reacting. Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has a Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated, and her Daily Practice, which I find helpful.
I love you = I own you
I could give so many examples of that!
I love you= you owe me.
I love you = see im a good person, so what's your problem
Jealousy, envy,greedy, lazy,selfish and don’t know what their needs are and they try to sabotage everything you do.
@sylvanascott1166
how true is that aye, Zmy god you are so right on that, words i have not even got to express yet ☺️
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...empaths of the world circle up, shout it out! "No apology for me". Hang with those who know and appreciate your gifts!
Need and inner eye lid tattoo of that. Lol
@@blessed7927 😊
And, we too are beyond grateful to have you on our individual and collective journeys, Dr. C! Thank you for being you! 🤗
You are so welcome!
Thank you Dr. C. You’re like the father, grandpa and uncle I never had.
Me too!❤🎉
Me three!
That's so kind, and what an honor it would be!
@@SurvivingNarcissism you are the best. You help all of us Dr. C I’m so grateful I found you and Gus! 🕺🐶✅❤️🩹🙏🏼‼️
Me four ☺️
28:21 it’s hard for men to get a divorce if there’s a chance he may lose custody of the children. And getting a lawyer can drain all the finances and not guarantee the children will be safe if they end up with her. On top of that, the shared custody of rotating weekends can be gruesome if she’s vindictive and he misses an appointment, if she’s horrible and wicked only goodness knows how horrible she will make his life and then there’s alimony. So many men are scared to do the right thing out of fear his wife will destroy him financially and punish him emotionally . It’s very sad…
Robbing as a narcissist is how they survive. They don’t understand that truly loving someone is risky. It is that risk that scares the narcissist, because inwardly they know they have shortcomings emotionally. It’s that very low self esteem that disables the Narcissist and angers them. They want to level the playing field so they don’t have to try very hard. Other peoples feelings are just not a concern because the Narcissist only knows what he feels. No one knows best but the narcissist, and if you don’t believe it… just ask him! ( or her )
I remember years ago someone at my work pointed out to me that I am not responsible for my Grandmother, my father is. He had trained me to be responsible for all of the other family members and I was blind to the fact that I was being used. When I eventually needed family support nobody even bothered and then I noticed that some of them still wanted to come to me for support whilst I was in the middle of a major health crisis, also so did some of my friends. I let all of those people go.
I also found out that narcissists will argue with you to oppose a boundary if you set one and of course they really don't have that right. I am fairly isolated now but confident that I will meet people that I can have positive friendships with as I go about my business. I only allow relationship to build slowly now. Any controlling signs and I just drift away.
🤗EXCELLENT!
I had an online "friend" say I was "disappointing" to them. I just drifted away. You owe nobody NOTHING!
Smart👍🏻👍🏻.You likely won't know a lot of people...But even just (1) genuinely healthy nontoxic person is worth far more than all the toxic people out there combined🙂.
Constantly deferring to the other person because you being yourself is going to get you in trouble. Yep! ✔️
Every time I've ever let my guard down around my fam, particularly my father tho all of them, I'm just being myself and whoa! I will do something that sets him off!! Then they have the gall to say I don't trust them. It's impossible to be yourself around people so controlling, you can't relax
I recall saying "I'm not that girl!" Stay true to you, don't live with a liar, a thief; stay true to you, don't become someone your values can not recognize.
I said the same thing. I told her "I'm not that guy! I'm not your chump!"
For me it was "I am not one of your bimbos." And "...but I am not your mom!!"
It was really dangerous, he raged afterwards. Looking back, I shouldn't habe done it while being alone with him.
Scarey, but so true. I'm glad you are safe and sane.
When the kids leave it becomes more dangerous for you.
The narcissists in my life "took over" my interests, inserting themselves without asking me, setting themselves up as an authority after doing it once or twice, then pushing me out and sneering at me for my "incompetence" and lack of enthusiasm, heavily implying that being mocked and criticised while doing my hobby was no more than I deserved, and I should be grateful for it. Oh and I was also "too sensitive".
@@rwdchannel2901 Well one of them was a parent, so less easy! The main other was my first husband, and I have a much clearer sense of myself and what I can/should tolerate now. It's hard to establish boundaries when you were brought up to have no sense of self to begin with.
And isn’t it peculiar that the Narcissist is so concerned about your “doings” because then they don’t have to own their own!
Same! Thank god we are aware of this now. Finally freeing myself of the madness after well over a decade of this. We will come back better 🌹
@@rwdchannel2901Woohoo,congrats🥳👍🏻🎉.I'm quietly getting my 🦆s in a row before cutting off my narc dad,I actually plan on celebrating it every year...Perhaps I'll call it my "liberty day"😊.
I love this idea@@malwads1836 I think I will have to have a celebration for my own liberty day.
Stand strong in the distinctive differences that make you, YOU!
Sheesh. When we were little kids, my grandma would get us alone and say, “I love you, even if nobody else does.” That was a real shocker, even as a kid.
*And she was anything but loving! 😳
The classic non-compliment compliment.
@@SurvivingNarcissism
😆😞
😞 That brought back long lost feelings of feeling different and unacceptable. How awful and wicked.
There really isn’t an adult home inside a narcissist so he’s just trying to fill this void with what you have… fear rage envy revenge & denial is always the low vibe pattern that they cycle through with very little alteration in the two year old behavior
My husband gave me a great phrase years ago when I was frustrated with people asking for my help with gardening, decorating etc. whatever particular skill of mine they needed. These same people never seemed to reciprocate in return when I asked for their assistance.
“User Friendly”
I am vigilant now towards people of this ilk, but I do get a laugh from them when I do identify them.
That is a great phrase!
What a great phase, "Well, that's at I decided." I was raised by 2 Narcissists, overt & covert. I'm 62 and just, 2-3 yrs, found out why life has been so hard. I've come to accept things aren't going to get better with my spouse, so I'm finally ready to assert myself more in the vein of looking out for myself and not overgiving to others.
Les, you are the first youtube counselor I found when I went to look up "scapegoat". That was the beginning of my slow recovery. I started watching a couple of your videos a day. Thank you for your work. You have had a fatherly/grandfatherly feel to me.
Being sensitive is my super power ❤
Love it!!
Congratulations on your super power 🙂
That's what Shayna Klee, the American French artist in Purple Palace youtube says all the time. Do you follow her? She'slovely.
I love hiking. My narc husband "hates" hiking. So I started going with friends. The problem is that I got punished with the silent treatment every time I came back. Now I hardly ever go hiking and when I do is alone because nobody eats to "be the cause" of my marriage problems.
Better to have your kids on your terms half the time.... than to have to tippytoe around the wife 100 percent of the time. Think about what you are teaching your kids about relationships. Don't let the kids see you accept being abused.
Yes, don't divorce yourself to be with someone. If they behave like they own you and you owe them, run! 🚩
We don't really lose ourselves though, just all our naivety, betrayal blindness, ppl pleasing ways, lack of boundaries, reciprocity and self-neglect, taking on others shame and blame to appease and prop up ppl who don't love and respect us or do their own work. Remember, cruel and unkind words leave bruises and scars too.
In the aftermath we can gain the needed clarity and wisdom to become better, smarter versions of ourselves as we rebuild ourselves, determine our worth, values and needs, shore up our boundaries and pivot higher minded to give ourselves the care and love, life purpose and peace we really need. They teach us to know ourselves better, discern who's safe or not and not to give ourselves away to anyone or allow them to use, control, manipulate and steal from us like that.
When you get away and introspect to come out of the fog (fear, obligation, guilt) and look at it all in retrospect, the narc gets us to set those purposeless parts of ourselves on fire to burn off all we are not, so we empower ourselves to become all that we truly are. There's a certain beauty created from our ashes when lessons are learned, we can mature and become wiser and stronger, forgive but never forget. No repeats required. We can see it as a gift in that we get to truly know, albeit the hard way, who we are, what we really do want and who it's best and safest to be around. 💝✌️Thanks Dr C. for always sharing your wisest and best with us all. xx 💞
That individual is so miserable & wanting everyone around them to stoop to their level - that said - I can see why folks tend to loose themselves. But - you need to start off doing the things you love by yourself. If that spouse, child, friend ect … cares & loves you - they will follow suit & slowly start doing things with you. If they don’t over a period of time - then you need to choose how involved you want them in your life.
I was dismissed so many time, I finally stopped saying anything about my interest. Instead I would by any discussion with the Narcissist. Then proceeded to follow through with what I wanted to do. My favorite is the time I decided to grow pumpkins. So got his uncle to plow up a spot and I put out fertilizer, had already started the plants from seed. Then he got interested and planted watermelons and canalopes .
He basically took it away from me and I turned him loose and took my hands off of the whole project. He worked himself to death and I just watched. This did not make me mad, I actually got a good laugh out of it! Nothing like the Narc biting off more than they can chew to get the ackalades !!!! Clapping Hands and Cheers!!!!!!
1. Going from one person to the next.. To me that does not make me a priority.. I want to be around people who treat me as a priority..
2. Rob your identity.. I think it is a very good awareness that is happening..
3. Highly Sensitive.. I am learning to use this as a gift..
4. Unstable.. Just knowing that they are unstable is a good thing..
5. Temper Tantrums.. Going from Angry to Mad is when someone loses their mind.. They cannot be reasoned with while they are Mad..
6. Signs.. This is where I have to learn to trust myself to recognize what the sings are..
Robbing is second nature. Just read post-nup and saw she requested (and got) an extra $2k in sale of marital home. Worth the walk-away right.
Aaron, I know you've been through the wringer with her, and for your sake I hope you can find release. Some folks just won't quit being dysfunctional.
Aaron, she will stop at nothing. And guess what? Sign that post-nup with zeal, zest, and zero contact!! She has to live with her robber self. You choose not to live with a thief! Stay above that nasty fray. P.S. congratulations on making it to this point. Journey forward, onward, and upward!
@@nancytwigg4631 Thx, Nancy. I signed with a big goofy grin on my face. She’s swirling in her own waste, and even the kids are backing away. I squint toward the unencumbered future to life with good company.
@@aaronkwolfeHi Aaron. May I second everything Nancy said and applaud your positivity.
No matter what happens, you write with good humour and hope from what must be anger and hurt. Good for you. You've come a long way down a hard road. Your future roafs will be far easier and enjoyable!! As you say, you can look forward to spending time with decent folk.
All the best Aaron 👍
Aaron, her last attempt at a power grab doesn't matter, your freedom is more important.
You will show your children who you are by what you do. It's best not to react at all.
Thank you for your work Dr C. I see now, how neither the scapegoat nor the golden child are allowed to be themselves, growing up with a narcissistic parent. They both have the function of propping up the narcissist and making them feel superior, and neither are loved. But they both think that the GC is loved. Nope, they are used too, only one is rewarded and the other punished.
I am still dealing with the NPD husband of 40 yrs and now both adult sons have been bought with $ and now I must set no contact boundaries with both sons and their families, 6 grandchildren. My daughter is at home with me still at age 42 with delayed development but high functioning . She is surely the scapegoat and the sons are golden child and other one vulnerable I’d say . He got manipulated with his father and brother and now knows it and is trying to have relationship with me but now my question is what do I with the adult children that so need truth so they can be set free . I believe this to be generational sin and will need to be addressed . As my Christian Psychiatrist identified my husband 10 yrs ago and he too was going through it with a 30 year marriage and we both know the truth but so so few do .
So please address the adult children who are under his control ?
Hi Dr. C. I have lost "me". I am made to feel quilty if I pursue my interests. It's a struggle to finish a project. You were speaking directly to me in this video. I am getting stronger because of listening to you and reading the comments of Team Healthy!
Dr. C, how and why do narcissists give gifts as a form of manipulation? And why do I feel guilty for thinking this? My mother in law takes no interest in my life and is very invalidating towards me in private, yet she sends my parents and other family members on my side of the family very expensive gifts. It’s so confusing because of how she treats me.
Dear Doc, you are such a blessing! I thank you, Gus, & Team Healthy so much🧡🧡🧡
Thank you!
Thank you! You help me in my journey to break up the patterns of intergenerational trauma and disfunction immensly❤
You are so welcome! Keep learning, and thanks for including me on the journey!
A bit off topic but imo empathy is one of the greatest and most beautiful qualities a human being could have. And narcs have little or none. See the consequences.
OMG had a "friend" like this for almost 15 years!
I have now no contact.
But she's doing great using everyone coyly.
At fifteen, I knew my parents were not good for eachother. My mother being an alcoholic and abusive and my dad trying to hold things together. I have always wished they would have gotten divorce or my mother walked out. They stayed married for 51 yrs until my dad passed in 2014. It was not a good marriage. I never got married & I'm in my early fifties. I looked at them & thought if that's marriage, I want no part of it.
Just a thought!
This is a very healthy view on people and the diversity in terms of their sensitivity and again conveyed in a caring way using beautiful words that feel like a balm for the soul for someone who is somewhere on the HSP spectrum. Thank you 😌🙏
Pleased!
ENORMOUSLY Beneficial. ☀️
Deep Thanks to you
My sister does that. Any interest I have, or any topic about which I might know more than she does, like the visual arts, is minimised and subtly put down.
If they say you're too sensitive, if you feel safe, you can safe, since you know that why are you continuing the hurting behavior?
And yes, indeed, there are people out there who do appreciate such qualities as being sensitive, deeply empathetic and caring.
Amen.
I do 😊✌✊
Id love to meet a woman like this
What if the narcissist is your estranged son? Who whenever I reach out, hands me the most evil and horrific responses. I have been estranged for 12 yrs, reach to him about every 5. I try to give him space, but I realize something is not right. Hates me cause I divorced his father....
I've though of my life/me when I graduated from university and I can't believe I was so built up and have been so beaten down.
I'm going to start seeing myself as that person. I will not give up on my lifes intentions.
Here’s another fun question or set of fun questions concerning all the narcissists we know. Have you ever seen a narcissist act overly respectful and obedient towards authority figures that have higher status or seemingly higher status?
Oohhh yes! I see it almost every week in the volunteer space. They diss on you and suck up to 'the boss'
Absolutely!
That is their false self. If they treated people in the world like they do their victim, they would get punched right in the face!
Obsequiousness
Here from Port Hueneme CA! Great job Dr. Les (Don't try and say Hueneme w/o practicing first. Your accent! ) : )
Thank you for the comments regarding "sensitive" individuals. I've also been wondering where the line is. ❤ Whoa. I never would have thought the "I love you" comment was gas lighting. I'm somehow very bad at this .
[I just successfully completed my first "emergency" home repair/maintenance project without the husband's involvement! (He's been super covert lately.) It went really well. Little to no drama. Less stress!!!!)
Notes: Don't get pulled in by their non-growth tactics. Remember that many (possibly most) of their tactics are subconscious. "Mimics others"-- absolutely. Non-blending. I was definitely robbed but am on my way back and getting better. Need well-defined sense of who I am. Don't defer to his preferences all the time (ESPECIALLY when I know his are inaccurate). They don't have a sense of self-sufficiency. The best way to teach anything is to model it. (This is why you, Dr. C, are so good for us.) ❤
Woot. Congrats on the solo repair. Learning to fend for yourself is a great attribute. Doing it with little or no contact is even better. Glad to see the progress.
@@aaronkwolfe Thank you, Aaron. It was really amazing.
Doctor C's analysis is the first time I've heard a therapist talk about how narcissists can size people up according to their talents and knowledge. The therapist I had was stuck on the theory that I was looking for someone with a bright light that I could stand in the light because I didn't use my own. When I would say that I felt fine about my own light they would disregard that.
It’s so painful to realize I put up with a mom like this for so damn long not realizing I didn’t have to.
This is what I love about Dr. C, he tells it like it is and sometimes says something that I do not expect to hear. For most of my life especially when I was a child I was told I was too sensitive and needed to develop a thicker skin. What I noticed happened was those who treated me like I was less than or weak because of it, I tried to stay away from or barely spoke so I did not have to deal with their ridicule. Now I can say what I want without fear. Now I respond with "This is who I am if you don't like it you don't need to be around me". The number of times my tidiness (burned in me as a child) has been looked at as too rigid. Nothing compared to my mom who I have been compared to, knew it was a negative comparison. Now I say "Wow I never knew being clean and tidy was a negative trait."
BTW- wishing you and your family and as well Gus a joyous evening ahead and a delightful day tomorrow!
Thank you!!
Wish I had known all of this in premarital counseling .
Can I ask a question? It’s about large families and a narcissist child. Why would one child be narcissistic and all the other kids be well-adjusted having had the same parents and similar upbringings? This is also considering the parents aren’t narcissistic either?
I have a friend in this situation. Family of 6 including parents + 4 sisters, 2 are Twin sisters , pop dies, one twin beautiful personality. Second twin even put her hands around another sister's neck and left a mark, works for the PD, so hard to get a restraining order. Bad twin has always been bad.
we all choose, love or hate
It’s because in a large family- each child goes through different roles according to when the parents had them. Example: young parents are new to everything & more strict. Then the other children come along & the parents live & learn from past mistakes & sometimes the older children are like … What ? And maybe come resentful- then the younger children are spoiled & by then sometimes- parents are doing better financially. I’m a middle child. And as adults- I think some kids just take it personally & cannot get past the resentment of their siblings.
Hope this helps.
@@grantaugustyniak6667 I've seen this happen, not just in large families, but siblings with a significant age gap.
Can I please ask about setting boundaries with narcs bosses at work? After growing up with narcissistic parents, I’m constantly feeling triggered by my N boss who is a fault-finder, critical, grandiose etc. I’m overdoing my work and take on helping others because I can see they are struggling. When I push back on the work load, the answer is “make sure to work within your work hours but where’s this report?!?!” When I say the deadline must be extended, she keeps saying, “give me a better date” until I succumb to the pressure and try to work more to meet it. When I don’t, I’m blamed and others are praised in my face, but only until they are blamed and I’m praised for working extra hard. I feel sick at work and need to figure out how to push back and not go back to feeling like a child under my Dad’s rage. I’m 50 and had a great career. I know my work is of good quality but the boss constantly has a message of - I know you’ve done something wrong here, let me find it…
I wish I had learned to give that response of, 'well that's the decision I've made' within the 35 years of My marriage...I know those words would have made Me a STRONGER person a lot sooner 👍🏼
My mother in law did an assertiveness training class and then did some verbal pushback to her emotionally abusive husband. He blocked her from doing part 2 of the course.
My husband, having grown up watching this unloving relationship, eventually displayed the same behaviour as his father. It wasn't until many years later i realised he'd been selfish and manipulative from the start.
That's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss myself and have been trying to live with meaning ever since I've come to know why I was robbed. No wonder I Always felt better whenever he wasn't around.
Children of the dark/Satan come to kill, steal, & destroy.
.... everything stays surface level
Thank you so much for all you do. You were my anchor during one of the most difficult times in my life.
Your videos help me continue to heal. ❤❤❤
You are so welcome, and best wishes to you!
When they tell you " dont forget. I still love, as they walk out the door.
That is conditional. Love is an action.verb.!
Wow! It is so amazing how your weekly podcast addresses so many of the questions I have. I also had a person who loved to tell me how selfish and ungrateful I was - something that they knew was deeply offensive to who I am - and when I'd had enough and packed up to move out, she tried to guilt trip me with saying she couldn't believe I would abandon her when she has such abandonment issues. I basically told her that she was always raging at how selfish and ungrateful of a person I was and if that is true (when I would call her on those words, she would ask "What part of what I said wasn't true?"), Then I was just living up to her expectations of me. Haven't spoken in 3 blissful years even though mutual friends try to encourage it on my part. I wish I had been strong enough to leave when the abuse first started instead of thinking I had to fix myself in order to make the relationship work. So important to believe in who you are and don't be swayed by anyone.
Dr. Carter you are a blessing and I am so grateful to you, team healthy and Gus. I have two questions for you.
I went NC with my mom about three months ago. Last week she told me through my brother that I am dead to her. My counselor said this is usually their final death throes of trying to get you to fall in line. Is that something you have noticed as well?
Also, I have a three year old daughter and people aren't kidding when they say 3 is harder than 2. She's a great kid but she's still a toddler and learning. Recently if my husband or I get a little short with her because of frustration she asks if we are angry with her and it breaks my heart. We always apologize and talk it out with her but I was wondering if you could explain the healthiest approach to handle a full on kicking and screaming tantrum (of a toddler and a narcissist because they are basically the same I've come to find)
I'll try to include the first question in next week's session, but the short answer is yes, it is a desperate attempt to shame you into compliance...as if that's somehow a reasonable strategy to create harmony.
As tho the Q about your daughter (you're not alone on this one) don't apologize for feeling angry. Your task is to learn to corral your anger enough that it is still handled with decency. Then turn the discussion into finding ways to cooperate with each other. There is an old book that to me is the gold standard for parenting. Liberated Parents, Liberated Children, by Adele Faber. She was a regular mom who went to parenting classes taught by the renowned psychologist, Haim Ginot. The book is about how she took his principles and applied them inside her own home. It is full of great illustrations and it's written from Mom's perspective.
Dr. C, can you address the effect of repetition on narcissistic abuse? They present their agenda over and over and over. They present the role you are supposed to be in over and over and over. They even present a false history of what has happened in the past over and over and over. It's not just the message, but the repetition of the message time after time after time that has an effect. It's insidious. Can you discuss this aspect of narcissist abuse, please?
Count on it. I'll address this on Wednesday's live feed.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks so much Dr. C!
When you grow up being told what to do,what to like,how to be, it's difficult to know which bits are you. I have a very clear picture in my mind of the first time of very few where I felt, this is me. I was 5. Decades of it squeezed away most traces of recognition of my core self. From fam to friends partners and workplaces, shapeshifting for others. But once you wake up, you can reconnect with yourself. We are all conditioned as kids to 'fit in' and worse when your fam shoehorn you Into their fit. Problem is we live in a very damaged world. Don't fit in, be yourself. I can tell you at near 6 decades that it is not worth it. Just be you. Just live it. There's nothing wrong with you, bring all your good traits to the fore and embrace them. We can then connect with others who are open and emphatic just like we are and stop fitting in with the toxic people ✌
Ugh, I just spent about 2 weeks with my narc because a child of theirs needed care during a recovery.
For the first time ever, we got into 2 major arguments, one of which caused me to stop a car in the middle if the street because I was so tired of being attacked and bullied. It was one of the few times I have ever succumbed to a verbal attack.
I am back away from them now, and so glad I am in a calmer place.
This narcassist always says you too sensitive. Im like i like who i am. I made the mistake one time said i rather be sensitive then someone meaning the narcissist you are an intellect. The narcissist went crazy! Well now im learning dont even react.
Thank you for that! That's exactly what mummy dearest did to me ... "I love you". Yeah right. Not falling for that one again. She just wants to hook me and get me under her control again.
My daughter accused me of being drug addicted because of anti-depressants. Same reason her daughter took her own life. I told her it was none of her business, and she doesn't get to dictate who I am. I'm not her puppet to pull strings and make me dance, and parrot what she wants me to say. She replied that I'm insane. Could I have said something better?
Thank you Dr C you saved my mental health, free from abuse
So pleased for you, Judy.
Hi Dr. C , I like bathing in your wisdom..I'm even adopting some of your jargon like calm assertiveness. .Question: I keep hearing people advise that we need to take our time to figure someone out. How much time do we need to vet someone given that life in itself is short and fertile years are passing us by?
If it's a romantic partner, two of three months AT LEAST.
If they are a narc, they can put on a good show to start, but find it harder and harder to maintain it as time passes. The cracks start to show in about 6weeks and that's just the beginning.
That's not set in stone, but I saw it happen to a friend of mine, new whirlwind romance, he moved in in less than a week two months later, done, she ended it.
However he's back...new promises...
We will support her, but she's got to see it for what it is.
@@elinor6525wow that's true. I think if we see cracks early on we tend to chalk it up to no 1s perfect. I didn't get gaslighted by a covert narc until month 11.
I have a question that I suspect does not have a simple answer. How does a victim of narcissistic abuse get out of survival mode after having gone no contact or grey rock? Especially for some like me raised with it where it has been all I have known and become an ingrained way of life.
Dr. C, thank you for being of such help to people. I have a question for your next video if it hasn't been asked before. Can you please make a distinction between NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder) because sometimes people clump them together as if they're one and the same, but they're actually different. People with BPD have empathy, they don't run from self-awareness or shame etc. It's also good to point out that sometimes some people can have both but on average there are many people with just BPD that are unfairly viewed as if they are also immediately NPD.
One thing that strikes me as problematic - when an adult is afraid of "getting into trouble" with their spouse. I don't think it necessarily means that one spouse is a narcissist - but it suggests that there is an unhealthy power differential, the spouses are not interacting as equals.
Question: Can a narcissist compromise? Whenever I have a disagreement with the N in my life, I'm told I'm the one who can't compromise, even though I feel I've capitulated so much I have no more ground to give up.
Can narrisim kill a person by the stress it causes?
All day, everyday I need to walk on eggshells.
Everyday I need to remind myself to be calm when the rage session starts.
Everyday no empathy.
This can't be good on the body with all of the cortisol that is being dumped in my system.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO LEAVE THEM AND GO NO CONTACT FOR YOUR HEALTH AND PEACE.
I listened to a neurologist who said it's the slow chronic stress over time that kills you. Being in a constant fight or flight state is detrimental.
@deeoakes3623 this seems to be somewhat obvious to me. Hearing some else confirm it is very helpful. Thank you.
@@deeoakes3623if you need to listen to Dr C we should accept as a sign to fly away and don't look back.
Get your sleep, eat right AND BREATHE ~ only care for you.
Or, other's who are worthy and not trying to harm you.+STUDY!
Thank you Dr C! Always appreciate your guidance/expertise as these people get worse with age and the best way to deal with them is steer clear as much as possible. They are responsible for their actions/toxicity and while sad to a degree, they are responsible for what results. Best to acknowledge as an empathetic person, no matter how much one can to do help them they are beyond it. It’s ok as while this was a tough lesson best thing is to find peace on your own accord, care with a bit of skeptical knowledge, and live life healthy and independently
Missed it..dang!!! listening now.. Amen
BTW, my 5 year old granddaughter likes to come into my study, then we'll find the song, Walk of Life (with the guy who dances throughout the video) and she and I will dance together. All that to say, I like Dire Straights.
@SurvivingNarcissism ~ Love that, Doc C! 😊 As a lifelong musician/enthusiast, may I suggest Mark Knofler's solo work. 'Get Lucky' is a down-home acoustic piece. 🎶 A mellow tune for sure.
Why do narcixiats accuse you of steeling their pot plants or plates ?i wouldnt even have the thought, or even consider ir.
Thank you for all you do.
I have found my tattoo: Being me is quite adequate
I ought reference that with DR C
Exactly!
A FRIEND OF MINE SAID TO A PERSON WHO TALKED BLABLA AND THE RESPONCE IS A LOT OF TIMES AN ANSWER BACK BUT AN ANSWER THAT MAKES MORE STORY'S...SO THIS FRIEND SAYS IMMIDIATELY TO THE BLABLA: " THAT'S YOUR OPINION".
AND THE FRIEND DO WHAT HE ALREADY WENT TO DO.
OR SOME NEIGHBOUR SAID TO HIM 'I HEAR YOU ARE NOT ANYMORE (HIS EX GIRLFRIEND)WITH XX". THAN THE SAME FRIEND ANSWERED IMIDIATELY WITHOUT EVEN LOOKS LIKE HE WAS THINKING WITH: " I HEARD THAT TOO!".😅
Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Narcissists want to take you life and the very blood in your veins. Don't ever use the children as a reason for staying because you are teaching them how to be narcissistic too. You can always take them with you too. In my experience, they never say "I love you" unless they know you are thinking about kicking them to the curb. As a last resort to keep you in your place in their mind. Don't play the game. Thank you for a very educational and informative video Dr. Carter.
QUESTION:
If you could, please talk about the narcissist and their infidelity. Not just the fact that they will cheat and lie. But how some of them will reject their spouse completely. Have affairs & use porn.. but avoid intimacy and affection of any kind at home I am talking years- all the while professing their love & fidelity. Yet making up reasons from “Im too tired” to “I’m not attracted to you that way anymore”…
I am working hard on my own journey to let go of what’s been done to me by betrayal, rejection & dismissal. But I am finding it difficult to have self-confidence with so many unanswered questions. It would really help if you could enlighten me as to why this behavior occurs. Maybe I could let go of self-the doubt and shame.. Praying & trusting God and appreciate your ongoing support & platform.
THANK YOU DR. C 🙏🏼
@ncbeachbumintn My heart goes to you. I never thought he would cheat until I was served papers--in the mail. I was unaware of the red flags because I dont see pure evil and neglect obviously. Kept busy with kids and family while he froze me out. Held hope it would improve as kids grew up and he achieved ranks at work. Nope. Was made to feel worthless and inept while I was killing myself to overcompensate for the void by doing more for others. They are the problem and parasite. Talk to a counselor AND a priest/religious AND good people that love you. Take time and find yourself. You are an amazing, worthy person. Appreciate yourself and heal. You find that and perhaps you will find another/others who will appreciate you too.
Actions speak louder than words…
I have gotten clarity about various issues over my life by seeking help from objective therapists when needed. BetterHelp is a very affordable, private, new way to get guidance. Perhaps you could look into finding someone there. I wish you the best in your journey back to self-love.
Thanks Dr. C. Keep up the great videos!
I appreciate your wisdom!! Hugs for Gus!!🐾🐾🐾🐾
You are so welcome, Elaine!
More great wisdom from Dr. C. Grab your better self and live your own distinction.👍👍❗❗👍👍
Dr C, thank you Sir.
I appreciate you and your weekly Q&As.
It confirms and validates we survivors on our recovery journey.
Thanks again Sir.
You're quite welcome.
She led me to think we were going to sit down and reconcile and it was a 6 hr ambush. Don’t know what to do from here.
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry....
Don't give up keep watching the video! I watch alot of them over and over helps alot. You are not alone we are with you.
To the man slapped by his wife...if she will slap a grown man, what will she do to to a child?
I think when we are younger there are things we look at a certain way until we finally grow up and understand why it's a problem. I think maybe a long time ago I probably thought maybe I got to be trusted or have early maturity if I was called on by someone to help them solve their problems. It's a different story now that I'm an adult and have to recognize I don't want to fix their stuff. And I've had to learn about Narcissism and then the fact that person doesn't recognize or even care that they ruin your relationship with them because you don't get to be who are supposed to be in relation to them. I think it's good on some level if you know people think you're wise enough to help them and can be trusted but I just wonder if these people are so blinded by their neediness that they don't know what they're doing, or if they just don't care that it causes damage trying to turn you into a best friend or therapist. I didn't really realize it actually does become more than a kid could handle until I grew up to where I am now realizing this person isn't even concerned with my boundaries and can't accept it if I'm honest and explain that I don't have them as a particular family member anymore because I got turned into something else I never was supposed to be. It doesn't seem to be understood that I can't genuinely want to ever connect if they're not concerned with the fact that even if I help them, their expectations has already ruined our relationship. Even after calling her by her first name, and pointing out enmeshment in a disturbing way didn't even get the point across. I'd think a healthy person that maybe got carried away would feel some sort of way if you addressed them by first name instead of relations, or would back up and think of how it looks that they're putting you in a place in their life you shouldn't be. That would normally be enough for someone hat can cope with life to stop what they're doing. I know if someone pointed this out and demonstrated by not acknowledging our family ties or pointed out I was too close in another relationship it would sure bother Me because I don't think I'd want to hear that truth or want to be faced with the reality that that's what I was doing. I don't think I'd want to have to realize that even if they do help another relationship that I've still already ruined our's.
Know that you are truly appreciated Dr. C.
Thanks so much.
I have a question Dr C: My experience is that narcissists have real psychosis mostly with different kind of delusions like having an illness and being deadly sick, there partner being unfaithful…
Is it common that narcissists have psychosis? Is it more common for narcissists having psychosis than for those who are not narcissists?
Technically narcissism is not psychosis, which refers to being out of touch with respect to time, place, or person. But I've often said they are out of touch with reality...they're stuck in Alternate Reality.
The you might not love me but I love you. That one early. Thank you, thank you
For the guy with kids and an abusive wife I have been there and even though he didn’t touch or target the kids, they witnessed the abuse. You will end up losing. My kids have no respect for me now and dad walks on water because he’s Big Boss I didn’t divorce earlier after thinking that the kids would suffer but now I know I allowed abuse for nothing. Either way they would have suffered mental and emotional abuse.
Your words of wisdom concerning highly sensitive people have been a light and revelation to me personally, and I am deeply grateful! Thank you so much for selflessly giving yourself every week. May God profoundly bless you and yours for your faithfulness. ❤
You are so welcome.
Hi Dr. Carter, I agree with and thank you profusely 100% with everything you say.
However, I would love for you to talk about the shame that victims feel from living with a narcissist the lying in the covering up, we have to do because of the embarrassing things they do or don’t do i.e. work!
That’s what I am struggling with the other stuff. I guess I know who I am I know who I’ve always been but I’ve been living with a abusive narcissist and I’ve known that and now I absolutely know what you validated all my fears and worries. But would you please just touch on the shame we feel. Thank you Laura
I'm only at 7 minutes of this video, but I get exactly what you're saying so far...
Why does the narcissist move so quickly from one subject to the other? Like for example he comes to the room asking a question about something and right when I start answering he’ll move on and ask about something else entirely different and by the time I realize and stop talking to try to answer his second question, he is already gone out of the room not even listening!!!! I find this completely and utterly annoying and I don’t know what is this behaviour called and what’s the correct way to address it with the narcissist.
Peace and love! ❤❤
For the Record- “ woof “
Woof!
I so appreciate your support and wisdom and affirming assistence dr Carter. I am for ever thankful and grateful. God bless you❤
You are quite welcome
My answer to the question is my narc hated his stepmother and stepsister so I got the payback. In addition he enjoyed mind games so he would have schemes that often I didn’t know where it came from. My ex wanted me for my genes and child rearing abilities. One of our sons is so impressive that the narc wants to be him, and I don’t get a relationship.