It’s interesting to me that a concept which is so widely known and identified with amongst the BPD community is still not understood amongst healthcare providers. I feel like a lot of what we know and understand about various psychiatric diagnoses is provided by those with first hand experience, rather than clinical studies and research. Yet another reason to have these conversations.
In my area the majority of the 'therapy' is provided by people with a BPD diagnosis who were in your position when they started the journey. (The NHS calls it 'peer therapy' and they actually refer you for it even tho its not provided by them and none of the therapists have any qualifications). There is no NHS psychotherapy. There's no input from actual medical professionals. It's so annoying cos they need to be involved in order to learn.
@rachaelcaruso7096 I'm from the UK. No I'm not saying its annoying to use therapy, I'm saying the actual psychotherapists should have more input with us in order to learn more about how to help us.
I have BPD and I am not judging but you can see why people call us toxic/manipulative etc because this video shows that people have pretended to be friends with someone to get to their FP and lied to that person’s face etc. so what makes someone toxic? Can you contract out of being toxic because you have bpd? Or are all people who “are not in recovery” actually severely toxic people?
Hi! 👋 The story you referenced was mine 😬 (I don’t feel judged! Just remembering that story makes me cringe inside 😂) You pose an interesting question! (As an aside, I don’t ascribe to the idea that ANYONE is “toxic” because I think all humans are multidimensional, and the relative level of problematic behavior they display is almost always going to be (at least partially) dependent on the context. Poison is poisonous 100% of the time. That’s toxic. People have their toxic traits and their non-toxic ones.) Back to your point though - I do think it’s important for those of us with BPD to recognize that the stigma does come from somewhere. I don’t think we get a free pass from having our behavior labeled as toxic or problematic just because we have a diagnosis. While I can’t speak for anyone else, I definitely would say that the version of me that existed before functional recovery regularly engaged in toxic behavior and was not at all a reliable person to have any kind of relationship with. As much as I whined and begged people to stay, I now think they did the right thing by refusing to put up with my shenanigans.
@@xannibelleI love your response to this. As a partner of an untreated BPD lifemate, he is at one time insanely toxic and capable of levels of cruelty I didn't know existed and also I absolutely adore him and have incredible empathy and sympathy and compassion for him because I've come to understand that he isn't quite in control of any of this most (any?) days. I understand, in large part, how he GOT to this place and my heart breaks for the little boy he was when he (incredibly resourcefully even!) built this version of himself, and for how soft and susceptible his heart can truly be, underneath all this. But during an episode (which are very very frequent lately, things are coming to a head,) it is OTHER LEVEL frustrating when what he's perceiving is simply a complete delusion, one that be believesn in fully in the moment. And during a splitting episode, he is some demon hell creature other entity entirely - I recognize NOTHING of him, which is terrifying... but for BOTH of us, I realize. If I didn't understand it (and we did not until fairly recently: he was diagnosed with everything BUT BPD, which is very very very evidently, 100% certainty, what he DOES suffer from,) I'd be stuck in a much darker, more hopeless place today. It's been life-changing to understand that THIS IS A THING, and he is so textbook (severe, but textbook.) People are not toxic. Reactions and perceptions can be though. 🤍🔥
Love the vids. I wonder if FB can be part of a bigger picture of living through external energy. I find this not only in regaurds to another person, but even according to the things im doing and the weather etc.
1:30 That's a very interesting idea. My life partner has BPD (and I have known him since he was 12, so I've seen it unfold as he is now almost 30) and there have been and still are so many times as I try to figure out what on earth is happening that I realize I am just acting as a mirror for him to express these really negative things at/onto. I'm even starting to figure out how to delay this as-yet inevitable onslaught of his loathing rage toward "me" (not me, as it makes so little sense, he is not describing me at all,) but so far I can only push back the onslaught, not dissipate, comfort, or assauge it - as apparently that is something he has to figure out within himself. It's almost as if he NEEDS to express X amount of negativity at/toward me - in one form or another (be it face to face conflict or vitriolic texts he sends, that do not stop beyond slowing down if I don't engage at all) in a REAL way until he gets it out. It's interesting you say the weather in this regard also, as he and I are both avid at-home weather chasers, if you will. We love storms and the intense clashes of the two separate fronts colliding (symbolic perhaps?), and he sometimes gets so hyped from intense weather that it'll seem to almost interrupt the cycle we've been in for years now, and somehow the conflicting weather seems to disspell some of the conflict within himself. Also, he's gotten very into fishing the past couple years and for a long while, the outcome of his fishing efforts (catch none, catch one, catch a specific one, catch a large one, catch multiple ones) would shape his entire receptivity of me and our son and the entirety of his day, leading up to weeks or months even in winter when he doesn't catch anything for long stretches of time. It affects him so profoundly that it's obvious to me it's about something way beyond the fishing itself. As if he is somehow redeeming some ancient, traumatic sleight neither of us know consciously of (though we can speculate sometimes,) and he can morph into almost the less intense, much younger, somehow freer, pre-BPD episode cycle person he was before "Normal life" forced him to create a seeming schedule (cycle) of it.
I was the partner and unfortunately I was not the FP and there was significant cheating and lying involved. And to be fair a 20-year drug habit that was getting in the way of it as well. Is it possible that she could have loved me but just was so wrapped up in this FP dynamic that she just couldn't help herself. Because she got much meaner after she would cheat. It was like the guilt I guess I was waiting on her and she didn't know how to express it so she would lash out at me. And I was trying to understand this all along and stuck by her to help her get through. She finally sober now and decided that she wants to put me in the dear friend category and not the partner anymore and we were you know Rocky at best but we always been back and forth for the last 3 years. So there's no reason why I would have thought it was and it just seems almost instant that I was switched into the other category. I'm broken and she seems perfectly fine. She wants me in her life as her friend and I can't handle this right now and she's getting upset with me about it. Framing it as I could be in her life if I wanted to but since she won't give me a relationship I'm choosing not to. And that's not it at all. She just can't seem to grasp the fact that it hurts me to even get a text message that says good morning. I'm literally dealing with my codependency, a relationship addiction that I just discovered, complex post-traumatic stress disorder and sexual repulsion disorder based on all the cheating and lying and what she did to get her drugs. Not to mention that it was emotional rape because had I known any of this I would not have gotten involved. And I love her. So just be clear I'm not bashing her at all. I love her more than anything else in this world I understand intellectually what BPD does but not emotionally because I can't. I guess I just want to hear that it's probably the splitting just instead of good and bad its partner and friend. that she does actually care if she just can't show it maybe I don't know. I keep telling her she's got to start getting treatment for the BPD now that she's got the addiction under control. And I don't know that she's realizing it's going to be more than just her therapy appointment. I just showed her this channel last week. But I'm not going to be able to hang in there too much longer because it's just killing me. And then I'm going to trigger that abandonment again and I just I don't know what to do
In my experience the favorite person is a substitute parent. Having an absent dad all my fp have been men. It's all about attachment. My question is will it ever stop? :(
My favorite person is usually a celebrity I become romantically obsessed with. It will be my partner, if I’m in a relationship and I will become completely enmeshed. I really relate to the implicit trust part, because logically I don’t know this person, so I shouldn’t trust them, but I do. I would take them at their word and do anything for them. I always think of that one scene in the Town, where Jeremy Renner agrees to help Ben Afleck hurt people, without knowing any details as to who or why. It’s kinda funny to me too, because my default mode is to be very mistrustful and suspicious of people, and expect the worst of people.
I'm not sure the English lady understood a Favourite Person especially one thats had a romantic and intimate relationship over a period of years that will imprint on the pwBPD.
How do you have more then 1 "FP" i dont understand this. MY "FP" WAS MY WORLD AND WHO I WAS but when they left me I lost who i was and went into self-destruction this was all i could do to kill The emptiness. And this was 6 years ago. Since then i stay away from people because they dont understand
In my experience, I had one at a time, since I lived in different places, changed from school to work, changed jobs, etc. That meant my person changed.
I appreciate everyone talking about this topic. It is very important to bpd
omg bringing up your fp whos platonic and all healthcare professionals can think is "you must have a crush on them" it drives me mad.😅
Just found this channel. Thank you for doing this!
Thank you for these videos, I am on my healing journey and it helps me feel less lonely ❤
It’s interesting to me that a concept which is so widely known and identified with amongst the BPD community is still not understood amongst healthcare providers. I feel like a lot of what we know and understand about various psychiatric diagnoses is provided by those with first hand experience, rather than clinical studies and research. Yet another reason to have these conversations.
In my area the majority of the 'therapy' is provided by people with a BPD diagnosis who were in your position when they started the journey. (The NHS calls it 'peer therapy' and they actually refer you for it even tho its not provided by them and none of the therapists have any qualifications). There is no NHS psychotherapy. There's no input from actual medical professionals. It's so annoying cos they need to be involved in order to learn.
@@jade4994Where are you from? And are you saying that it’s annoying to use peer therapy?
@rachaelcaruso7096 I'm from the UK. No I'm not saying its annoying to use therapy, I'm saying the actual psychotherapists should have more input with us in order to learn more about how to help us.
Great to see Alex and Jess back on the show. Thanks guys :)
I enjoy hearing their perspectives, absolutely.
I totally wish I was with this bunch of people❤️ you guys are absolutely amazing!!
Thanks!
Yall are helping me so much thank you.
I have BPD and I am not judging but you can see why people call us toxic/manipulative etc because this video shows that people have pretended to be friends with someone to get to their FP and lied to that person’s face etc. so what makes someone toxic? Can you contract out of being toxic because you have bpd? Or are all people who “are not in recovery” actually severely toxic people?
Hi! 👋 The story you referenced was mine 😬 (I don’t feel judged! Just remembering that story makes me cringe inside 😂)
You pose an interesting question!
(As an aside, I don’t ascribe to the idea that ANYONE is “toxic” because I think all humans are multidimensional, and the relative level of problematic behavior they display is almost always going to be (at least partially) dependent on the context. Poison is poisonous 100% of the time. That’s toxic. People have their toxic traits and their non-toxic ones.)
Back to your point though - I do think it’s important for those of us with BPD to recognize that the stigma does come from somewhere. I don’t think we get a free pass from having our behavior labeled as toxic or problematic just because we have a diagnosis. While I can’t speak for anyone else, I definitely would say that the version of me that existed before functional recovery regularly engaged in toxic behavior and was not at all a reliable person to have any kind of relationship with. As much as I whined and begged people to stay, I now think they did the right thing by refusing to put up with my shenanigans.
@@xannibelleI love your response to this. As a partner of an untreated BPD lifemate, he is at one time insanely toxic and capable of levels of cruelty I didn't know existed and also I absolutely adore him and have incredible empathy and sympathy and compassion for him because I've come to understand that he isn't quite in control of any of this most (any?) days. I understand, in large part, how he GOT to this place and my heart breaks for the little boy he was when he (incredibly resourcefully even!) built this version of himself, and for how soft and susceptible his heart can truly be, underneath all this. But during an episode (which are very very frequent lately, things are coming to a head,) it is OTHER LEVEL frustrating when what he's perceiving is simply a complete delusion, one that be believesn in fully in the moment. And during a splitting episode, he is some demon hell creature other entity entirely - I recognize NOTHING of him, which is terrifying... but for BOTH of us, I realize. If I didn't understand it (and we did not until fairly recently: he was diagnosed with everything BUT BPD, which is very very very evidently, 100% certainty, what he DOES suffer from,) I'd be stuck in a much darker, more hopeless place today. It's been life-changing to understand that THIS IS A THING, and he is so textbook (severe, but textbook.)
People are not toxic. Reactions and perceptions can be though. 🤍🔥
Interesting insight. Thank You.
Love the vids. I wonder if FB can be part of a bigger picture of living through external energy. I find this not only in regaurds to another person, but even according to the things im doing and the weather etc.
1:30 That's a very interesting idea. My life partner has BPD (and I have known him since he was 12, so I've seen it unfold as he is now almost 30) and there have been and still are so many times as I try to figure out what on earth is happening that I realize I am just acting as a mirror for him to express these really negative things at/onto. I'm even starting to figure out how to delay this as-yet inevitable onslaught of his loathing rage toward "me" (not me, as it makes so little sense, he is not describing me at all,) but so far I can only push back the onslaught, not dissipate, comfort, or assauge it - as apparently that is something he has to figure out within himself. It's almost as if he NEEDS to express X amount of negativity at/toward me - in one form or another (be it face to face conflict or vitriolic texts he sends, that do not stop beyond slowing down if I don't engage at all) in a REAL way until he gets it out. It's interesting you say the weather in this regard also, as he and I are both avid at-home weather chasers, if you will. We love storms and the intense clashes of the two separate fronts colliding (symbolic perhaps?), and he sometimes gets so hyped from intense weather that it'll seem to almost interrupt the cycle we've been in for years now, and somehow the conflicting weather seems to disspell some of the conflict within himself. Also, he's gotten very into fishing the past couple years and for a long while, the outcome of his fishing efforts (catch none, catch one, catch a specific one, catch a large one, catch multiple ones) would shape his entire receptivity of me and our son and the entirety of his day, leading up to weeks or months even in winter when he doesn't catch anything for long stretches of time. It affects him so profoundly that it's obvious to me it's about something way beyond the fishing itself. As if he is somehow redeeming some ancient, traumatic sleight neither of us know consciously of (though we can speculate sometimes,) and he can morph into almost the less intense, much younger, somehow freer, pre-BPD episode cycle person he was before "Normal life" forced him to create a seeming schedule (cycle) of it.
I was the partner and unfortunately I was not the FP and there was significant cheating and lying involved. And to be fair a 20-year drug habit that was getting in the way of it as well. Is it possible that she could have loved me but just was so wrapped up in this FP dynamic that she just couldn't help herself. Because she got much meaner after she would cheat. It was like the guilt I guess I was waiting on her and she didn't know how to express it so she would lash out at me. And I was trying to understand this all along and stuck by her to help her get through. She finally sober now and decided that she wants to put me in the dear friend category and not the partner anymore and we were you know Rocky at best but we always been back and forth for the last 3 years. So there's no reason why I would have thought it was and it just seems almost instant that I was switched into the other category. I'm broken and she seems perfectly fine. She wants me in her life as her friend and I can't handle this right now and she's getting upset with me about it. Framing it as I could be in her life if I wanted to but since she won't give me a relationship I'm choosing not to. And that's not it at all. She just can't seem to grasp the fact that it hurts me to even get a text message that says good morning. I'm literally dealing with my codependency, a relationship addiction that I just discovered, complex post-traumatic stress disorder and sexual repulsion disorder based on all the cheating and lying and what she did to get her drugs. Not to mention that it was emotional rape because had I known any of this I would not have gotten involved. And I love her. So just be clear I'm not bashing her at all. I love her more than anything else in this world I understand intellectually what BPD does but not emotionally because I can't. I guess I just want to hear that it's probably the splitting just instead of good and bad its partner and friend. that she does actually care if she just can't show it maybe I don't know. I keep telling her she's got to start getting treatment for the BPD now that she's got the addiction under control. And I don't know that she's realizing it's going to be more than just her therapy appointment. I just showed her this channel last week. But I'm not going to be able to hang in there too much longer because it's just killing me. And then I'm going to trigger that abandonment again and I just I don't know what to do
Need a part 2!!
Coming April 3!
In my experience the favorite person is a substitute parent. Having an absent dad all my fp have been men. It's all about attachment. My question is will it ever stop? :(
Really Nice
My favorite person is usually a celebrity I become romantically obsessed with. It will be my partner, if I’m in a relationship and I will become completely enmeshed.
I really relate to the implicit trust part, because logically I don’t know this person, so I shouldn’t trust them, but I do. I would take them at their word and do anything for them. I always think of that one scene in the Town, where Jeremy Renner agrees to help Ben Afleck hurt people, without knowing any details as to who or why.
It’s kinda funny to me too, because my default mode is to be very mistrustful and suspicious of people, and expect the worst of people.
What about wanting to be romantic with men who you can see as a "mentor" or "protector" (daddy)
I'm not sure the English lady understood a Favourite Person especially one thats had a romantic and intimate relationship over a period of years that will imprint on the pwBPD.
How do you have more then 1 "FP" i dont understand this. MY "FP" WAS MY WORLD AND WHO I WAS but when they left me I lost who i was and went into self-destruction this was all i could do to kill The emptiness. And this was 6 years ago. Since then i stay away from people because they dont understand
In my experience, I had one at a time, since I lived in different places, changed from school to work, changed jobs, etc. That meant my person changed.
i want to contact my FP but last time we talked i tried to end my existence feel so alone