Emotional cheating may often be bad, but it saved me from an abusive relationship with a narcissist - I met someone else, we talked progressively more and more for about 6 months and he helped me realise my life didn't have to suck. As soon as I became aware I was emotionally cheating, I left my abusive partner for him. I'm finally free. No regrets!
Amy Turk - same here- when you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, having a caring relationship with someone of the opposite sex can help remind you that you have something to offer, and that you are lovable, after being beat down by the narcissist. I don’t feel guilty for wanting to have at least some of my needs filled, because my abusive husband won’t fill them. He set the stage for this to happen - not me!!!!
@@CorpseGodX the fact that the person literally talked to someone because they were in an abusive relationship and you don't understand that speaks volumes about you too. If you can't talk to your partner because they DONT listen or care about you (like an abuser) then what do you do? Where do you turn? How does a person who is being pressured and abused and probably trapped or feels scared to leave because they're being threatened know they need to leave or do so safely without support? You seem like you aren't experienced or mature enough to understand that one person may do something out of desperation or because of neglect especially in this situation.
@@LulutheJester, there's a proper way to end things. Running into the arms of a warm lover is not right. Cheating begets cheating. The person someone cheated on to find someone better, that romantic lover possesses the mindset that cheating is justifiable, and will ultimately cheat on the person given a proper interval of time. It's a vicious cycle. I've seen it happen to many people. Literature and movies have routinely covered this subject of scenario. Two wrongs don't make a right.
@@PC-Gamer-000 it's not but to act like their situation was black and white is disingenuous and dishonest. Abuse and assault are a thing. Threats are a thing. Not saying i condone cheating but at the same time some people are in a mental state where the only thing that can reach them is the true love of someone else. Sometimes thats not a family member or friend. You also seemed to fail to notice the difference in people. One is an actual lover. The other is abusive. You dont physically and mentally abuse a person you love. That means you are selfish. That means you don't care. The other person obviously does. At the end of the day acting like everything is black and white is just as childish and immature and something out of tv like you're saying. Some people need to be in a different mental state and their partner prevents that. But im speaking as someone who actually give council to people not just someone who's "seen a few things" I've never had to cheat because I have never been that pressed into a situation but I've met countless people who have been in some pretty peculiar moments that unfourntately make them choose something they didn't ever wish to.
100% the same, if not worse than, physically cheating. Wasted 6yrs of my life in a relationship that was riddled with my spouse having emotional affairs. He didn't think he was doing anything 'seriously ' wrong, even as a marriage counselor told him he was.
This is almost worst than physical, emotions are strong and are something we have to be cautious who we share them with! Again love what you're about and keep inspiring the awareness and love what you do! Always an inspiration for my channel and vids!
@@Katimorton i have questions do with affairs 1 if someone an affair without sex, is that really cheating? 2 can people have emotional affair with their ex boyfriends and girlfriends behind their husbands and wifes back? 3 what type of affair is only holding hands and kissing and hugging without having sex with them? Thank you for your time from jess sellars
For whoever wonders what the difference is: I think is when you no longer share deep conversations or emotional feelings with your significant other and go look for it in someone else. When you don’t bother to work on communication with your partner but go and open up easily with someone else. Eventually this type of behaviour ends in other forms of cheating.
Emotional cheating ended my five year long relationship with my partner. I could never trust him anymore and I always felt guilty that it was my fault when actually, it wasn't.
I just read my partner's diary (yes, i know,awful) but after 4 years of them gaslighting me and criticizing me, i read that they never got over their ex and all the time we were together they were thinking and wanting to reconnect with ex. What a gift from Universe to finally get them out of my life.
I was emotionally and physically cheated on within the past year. It really broke my spirit. I have a hard time wanting to live even to this day. I am still friends with this person but sometimes I even think that is too much. I wish this video came out while I was going through this and questioning whether they were being faithful to me or not. My gut told me something while they said something else, and in the end I learned you must always trust your intuition over everything else. Kati, you are so kind and helpful, thank you.
Define "emotional conversation" because I have deep conversations about myself with many people I'm close to. Like I have multiple friends who I know I can talk to about emotional stuff. Does that mean when I get a boyfriend I can't talk to him AND those people because it's "unfaithful?" I'm confused
You share more with a partner. Even if not married your life has a merger with theirs. And we're talking about flirting and stuff here. And if you're open with everybody it's very different- there are exceptional cases for most things.
Kati considers it is emotional cheating when you have deep conversations with someone you have just met, not long time friends. She said it in the video. And she describes the other signs too: you fill the need to talk to this person all the time, you miss them... In my own experience, you also enter in a "seductive game", you're not only talking but flirting, you can feel it is not the same as sharing with a friend. If you don't feel you are flirting with any of your close friend, I think you're good ;).
The "emotional conversations" would be directed to one specific person that they confide in. Typically things that they dont even share with their spouse. It's a slippery slope. It might start innocently enough. Its possible to have emotionally charged conversations with a member of the opposite sex without any real problems. It's pretty easy to tell the difference when you're actually in it. Especially when the lies start.
Thank you for making this video. You have helped me understand what I was doing wrong and helped me understand the difference between a friend and a emotional afar. Because of you I was having a emotional affair when I thought it was a friend ship. Thank for helping me understand and start the healing process. Thank you.
You didn't mention the obvious cause: you're not getting what you need (emotionally) at home. This can usually be fixed by simply communicating your needs and opening up with each other.
- she mentioned it I think, but even so, you cant depend on only on your partner( if you live only with him) for all the listening and help, that would be very exhausting. So forming other friendships close or not can help you feel much better. And if both sides share with each other I see nothing wrong with it. Of course you dont stop talking with your partner either, just that you don’t expect him to console you for everything.
As a relationship counselor myself, this is the No. 1 reason, by far. Unfortunately, most people don't even know they have needs, what those Needs may be, let alone what their partners Needs may be. Given that poor starting point, in most cases, there's virtually no communication on our Needs or our partner's Needs. This virtually guarantees affairs.
That's bs.. it's the go to excuse or defense. Have you even spoken to your partner that your feeling neglected? Have you considered the other options to not cheating..divorce,separation,counseling,talking,mediation...cheating is never the option...I'm speaking as a former cheater to having a serial cheater as a spouse
What a mess! Almost ended my marriage, Kati. Still not over it from 20 years ago. How can a marriage survive total deception by a spouse? ‘We went to two different marriage counselors to save the marriage. One factor you were absolutely accurate about is the marriage is never the same. What kept me married was a disabled child. It will be in my thoughts the day I die. My wife completely minimized it. Deception is a devil!
My partners emotional affair destroyed my trust in him, especially since he hid their communication for our entire relationship. Telling me he "cut ties" when he never did.
Hope you’re doing okay. I’m having this issue right now, found out yesterday. Broke up with him instantly. It’s okay karma will do its work, hope you’re thriving!!
I found an emotional affair really hard to deal with.I think we have what I call relationship energy, the effort we invest in a relationship: time , communication, planning etc. I think emotional affair is when your relationship suffers from your putting similar relationship energy into another relationship. I don't mind a partner sharing a lot with others, I mind it when I don't feel they are investing on us the way I would need and they used to. I think calling texting a close friend can totally ok, if I feel as a partner if I needed something my needs would be a priority over the needs of a friend.
Hey Kati! I know many people struggle with emotional neglect during childhood, but could you do a video about overprotective parents? Thank you for the hard work!
as a lot of other people mentioned in the comments, I also find it difficult to draw a line between being really good friends with someone and being in an emotional relationship with them.. I don't have a partner, so I wouldn't be cheating either way.. but I wouldn't want to accidentally start an emotional relationship with someone that I don't actually want to be in a proper relationship with.. I've noticed that I have a tendency to overshare and I often come at people very strong, because I like openness and honesty.. I also crave an emotional relationship with someone, even though I don't want to date anyone, or rather I don't know anyone I would like to date.. so I think I don't really know what the proper boundries should be and I also lack motivation not to cross those boundries, I guess..
Well if you ask me there is no difference, this whole “EmOTiOnAl ChEaTInG” thing is complete and total horse shit crafted by insecure/jealous idiots who think they’re getting cucked when their partner emotionally supports the other people in their life
The worst part of an emotional affair is that you can't call them out for it. There's always a justification. "You were neglectful so I went to someone else," or characterising your mistrust as possessive. Which it might be - so you question yourself. No physicality means no clear line you can point to and say, "you crossed the boundary." It's really underhanded behaviour.
Oh my god. This is what my mom has been doing to my dad. Texting secretly, comparing my dad with her ex, telling me that she married my dad for money. I feel devastated now.
Simple rule to follow: Ask yourself if you were okay with your friends partner or your own partner reading all your texts and discussions. If you have nothing to hide, you probably have a healthy and supportive friendship. If not, clean it up or distance yourself from that person.
@@stevenk-brooks3459 Interesting ! I guess then the diary wouldnt be confidential anymore. Does it contain secrets about relationships with others or perhaps other secrets? I know of partners who hide receipts for expensive items and demand a certain level of privacy over their banking etc.
Yes, outside validation. I want to know that others find value in me. Maybe I'm looking for intimacy outside of my ordinary life. Not sure. It is an ongoing struggle.
I totally understand where you are coming from. As a person who cheated multiple times both sexually and emotionally in a previous relationship, outside validation was my number one reason. (the whole relationship was toxic and twisted on both sides, not that this is an excuse for my behaviour but I'm finally learning to see my behaviour as part of a pattern of trying to escape from the relationship. I was in terrible mental health and I was raped, emotionally blackmailed and manipulated for three and a half years)
@@carolineoconnor2461 I don't necessarily see outside validation as bad *as long as* you don't seek out most of your outside validation from someone else other than your partner.
I don't really think I understand your description. From the way you describe it it sounds like a really close friendship could be cheating even if it's not romantic at all.
But not really, because like she said, it’s not okay to intentionally hide talking to the person, and it’s not okay to lie about who they’re talking to. The deceit behind it all is what makes it an emotional affair.
And I think it matters whether it takes away from your emotional relationship with your partner. Usually, your friendships don't take away from that emotional intimacy.
@@PC-Gamer-000 You obviously know nothing about the subject. Honesty is the foremost building stone in poly relationships. As well as respect for your partners and being open about your feelings. It is also DEFINITELY about emotional connection. It can be hard enough as it is having more than one close romantic relationship, and you usually don't go into it unless it's really worth it and the connection with the other person is really strong.
There are still boundaries. If you cross those boundaries in a poly relationship, it’s still cheating. You said “poly/open relationship”, but open relationships are only one kind of polyamory. Many are closed. If it’s open, there’s things the partner may want in terms of being told or talking about it afterwards. And then if things change, for example going from a closed to open relationship or adding partners or whatever else you may have, those things should be discussed before things get going. Basically, trust should be worked towards and rewarded, not taken advantage of. As in a monogamous relationship.
Would there have to be romantic feelings (of your partner) for the other person to consider it emotional cheating? Because I find it difficult to draw a line where its just a friendship
Agreed on this one. If you really want to know if what you are doing is emotionally cheating, maybe discuss it with your partner? If you really don't want to discuss this person with your partner that might be a sign.
I think it has be considered causing harmful or maladaptive, like with disorders. Or it could be considered cheating if you have a partner and save these kinds of openness for somebody else instead.
Just so I'm understanding you clearly... you want to know if there has to be romantic feelings present for the person to consider it emotionally cheating? If this is what you are wondering, the answer is: The outcome will be what you have put into it. In other words, If you're married and spending personal time alone with someone else, what you personally do in that time period makes all the difference in how you define your marriage to your significant other. Your actions speak just how much your marriage matters to you.
I’d say another reason is you’re not receiving the emotional support you need from your SO for a variety of reasons. They may not know what to do/say when you’ve tried to go to them in the past or they might not respond at all.
It's not the feelings, it is what you do with such feelings. We can all be attracted to other people while in relationships, it is normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about feelings. But what you do about it, wether you encourage romantic feelings toward that person, etc. is allways a choice and that makes all the difference.
So true. My husband emotionally checked out months before we agreed to separate. When we separated but I still lived there. I contacted a great veteran that i got a recommendation about because I would get the proof and bounce, leave all the mortgage and bills in his name and take my shit and my son and start over.. Oh he was on fire alright. I found out all sorts. When I brought it up he went psycho at me. Said I've lost his trust and there was no chance of any reconciliation. But yet he was found out. When things calmed down he said he wouldn't be in a rush to move on. But there he is on tinder in a bathing suit and telling the world he doesn't want kids or a marriage, just fun! His email hackerrobert001 @ g m a i l c o m
Very interesting and intriguing. Never really looked at that issue before but it certainly warrants more of my attention. Thanks for your presentation.
This is the sort of thing that makes me glad I'm single and makes me want to stay that way. The idea that I can't have an emotionally intense conversation with whomever I choose - that I'm beholden to a single other person for that? That's suffocating. It's like one's partner having ownership of them. I find that appalling.
You can just have poly relationships. I think it's okay to have freedom as long as you're willing to give your partner the same freedom and you're open and upfront about your needs. Honesty and knowing yourself will go a long way
Causes 1. Don't know how to set boundaries, overshare or let others overshare 2. Lose respect for partner 3. Need external validations 4. Can't communicate feelings and needs, expect partner to read our minds without telling them. Signs 1. Start talking more and texting, feel worried of stopping the relationship 2. Confide or reach out for important things 3. Start lying or hiding details about the friendship 4. Start comparing this person with spouse Healing 1. Grief, let go of the old relationship create a new one 2. Communicate honestly and openly about what happened 3. Complete transparency for a period of time before the new relationship really begins
I had an emotional affair, once. It was a huge red flag that I needed to break up with my boyfriend. I do consider an emotional affair to be cheating and I know what I did was wrong. I really should have broke up with him sooner. I finally did after a few months
@@552MB probably not. Many women just monkey branch from one guy to another, so it is likely she only broke up with her boyfriend because she got with the guy she was emotionally cheating with. just my speculation based on how a lot of women behave.
She probably got those butterflies and those sparks again while she decided to cheat on her boyfriend with her emotional affair partner behind her boyfriends back. Sign of a bit*h. Woman tend to do have an affair after they lose interest and gets bored of their current partner.
@@552MB I broke up with him about 4 months after the emotional cheating began. About 2 months after that, we started talking again and then I told him what I had done. He was really upset and told me never to talk to him again. I ended up turning down a relationship with the guy a cheated with. Now the guy I cheated with is married and so am I. I married the next boyfriend 9 had after the fiasco. The emotional cheating started because my boyfriend-at-the-time wasn't treating me well at all. And every time I tried to talk with him about our problems, he said he "didn't want to fight" and all my issues wound up being repressed. It was also hard for me to break up with him 1. Because he had abandonment issues and I was scared of what it would do to him. 2. He was the first guy I had sex with and I really would have preferred to only have had one partner in life (I feel uncomfortable admitting that because everyone I've told treated me like I was stupid for not breaking up for the sex reason. I don't like being treated like I'm stupid). I still believe I did the wrong thing, but staying faithful was not sustainable given how he treated me and given how I felt about the guy I treated with. The right thing would have been to break up sooner. But I don't feel guilt anymore. That was the only time I've ever cheated
@@Rajputrajx I appreciate your use of the words "probably" and "tend to." You are probably right but I am not one of those people. It was a one-time-thing, and now I have a husband who treats me well, so i don't believe I will every feel the need to cheat again
In high school I dated a guy who was always talking to one of his (female) friends. They would talk on the phone, send each other song recommendations, and even sometimes hang out together. I brushed it aside because he would tell me that they're just really great friends. But after we broke up, they went on a date (they didn't end up in a relationship though). I sometimes wonder if he was emotionally cheating the whole time.
My boyfriend just did this with my best friend, I don’t know how to feel. I’m angry, I’m sad. I’m healing from mental health issues and my friend and boyfriend were both safe people for me. Now I feel completely alone and in so much pain...
I'm going through the exact same thing. My girlfriend did the same with my best friend. It's so incredibly hard. So lonely and hard. My ex and him are now dating too. I've lost friends and im borderline alone all the time. It feels so dark and terrible.
I am guilty of this. I did this just in February. Ended my old sickly relationship because I couldn’t live with the guilt. And no, nothing became of my affair. Still very much ashamed of that episode. I should have ended my old relationship earlier, before I was prone to this problem.
@@552MB Wow, that comment was a long time ago. My old partner decided to stop hating and avoiding me just a few months ago. It is much less of a burden on my concience now. I've had a few tries at relationships in the meantime. I did learn a lot. I have managed to be more conscious of my feelings and to end dating/ relationships when my feelings never developed/faded. On the other hand I have not manged to form a lasting relationship before Covid, and I have not managed to meet anyone during Covid, so... baby steps I guess.
The way you set out these videos and the way you say things in a neutral way is just amazing I looooove the way you make them it’s so informative and helpful
I'm glad you're addressing this. However, in this day and age the lines on this get blurry especially with highschool and college age people. We can't even feel safe that we aren't doing this with the same gender when we are clearly straight and we aren't gay but have close relationships with peers. As a man I have to say that the idea of an emotionally affair drives me crazy. Being in a life long monogamous relationship is challenging enough, now we can have an affair with out even actually cheating? Frankly, I feel smothered with this kind of thing. It's hard enough to connect as a guy. Another thing that drives me crazy with this emotional affair concept is that I don't know any men that buy into the idea that you can have an affair without actually having an affair. I accept the fact that we must have boundaries in a monogamous relationship. But this concept is a slippery slope to having your spouse be your everything in life and that is not possible. Ester Perell says this all the time.
Its not practical to try and define emotional cheating, because for each couple the definition is different. Something your partner views as normal you may be devastated by. What your friends do and is normal for them may not be normal for your spouse. Emotional or any other cheating needs to be defined up front. Otherwise you may be surprised when your spouse has a total meltdown and you become a “cheater” for engaging in behavior you might be comfortable with. Each couple has to define these things.
I was both physically and emotionally cheated on. She full on started a new relationship with someone else whilst being with me. The emotional side was infinitely worse. I really cant say enough how desperately I wished it had been solely physical. Her emotionally connecting with someone else on that level was a far greater betrayal than any carnal act.
This was extremely helpful to me. My bf didn't know what emotionally cheating was. But also he's lied to me before and knowing we can get past it was great thanks
Wifes ex reaches out after 20 yrs. They start messaging, she tells me about it. No big deal. About a yr later she offer a solution to a problem i had, that her "Friend" had suggeated. I was frustrated with the issue i had and told wife, i dont care 1 bit about what he has to say, nor did i want any contact from him, and said I just dont wanna hear about him any more. My wife took that as go ahead and keep messaging each other. Another yr goes by and wife askes me one day if she and her "Friend" can have lunch in a couple days. I said no. After looking thru the 2yr of messages. He was very innapropriate almost from the start. I asked her to stop talking and to block him, she put up quite a bit of resistance, saying "we're just friends" and said i was trying to be controlling. Couple weeks of fighting, and she realized how wrong the "Friend Ex" was being she did what i asked. All the while saying she didnt realize what he was doing. Shes smart and their relationship ended bad. So i have to assume she wanted something from this piece of garbage that i couldnt give her. Can she really claim innocence? I am so lost.
This concept confuses me. So if friends are not for emotional support, what are they for? If I am emotionally supportive to my friends, that is cheating? This idea makes it feel like I'm not allowed to have friends outside of an intimate relationship...
Being cheated on emotionally hurts as bad as being physically cheated on. I wasn't given any answers. Once she realized I was aware. I was dumped via text and never spoken to again. Ignored. She feared confrontation. I forgive her. I wish that we could start over, but I'm afraid her stubbornness will keep us from ever trying. I wish there was something I could do. Thank you Kati. Your videos have made life a lot easier. You are a beautiful human being.
I didn’t know what an emotional affair was until I was already deep into one. I didn’t realize I could be hurting my partner by becoming close friends with and flirting with someone else, even if it seemed innocent enough to me because in my head, I was being faithful by not having sex with them. Luckily I’ve been completely honest and transparent with my partner and he knows he is the one I want to be with. He knows about everything said between us and according to my partner, he is okay with it. But it takes a lot to admit I was cheating, because I didn’t mean to. I was just so happy I found someone I really connected with. We just instantly clicked, and I did have a crush on him but because I was trying not to cross a line, I thought I was doing a good thing. The truth is unless you are put into this situation yourself, you really don’t know what it feels like to have to choose between two people you really love and care for. I absolutely love my partner, but I also love this other man as a close friend. And if my partner is okay with me being friends with him, I don’t see what is wrong with having close friendships, even if there is an element of attraction there. I no longer flirt with this other man because I realize that, while at the time I didn’t think it was harmful, I realize now it’s inappropriate so I stopped and now we are just keeping it G rated. But why must I choose between people I love if it isn’t hurting anyone?
You're a very lucky woman to have such an understanding partner. I only hope that you'll be equally understanding if your husband does this to you one of these days.
Nothing good ever comes from opposite sex relationships when you are married. I would have kicked your ass to the curb. Two timeing wemon/men have no idea how hurtful this is.
Why must you choose between people you love if it isn't hurting anyone? Because it is hurting someone. Your partner and your relationship. You're adding tension to your relationship that doesn't need to be there. You have to ask yourself if your relationship is important enough to you to put it first and remove the temptation altogether. If you can't, then you don't love your partner like you say.
@@NBGUYVER I stopped talking to this other man for other reasons. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I still feel like we had a connection that was unlike any other I've ever experienced. But I chose to put my life and my relationship over it. Will I regret it on my deathbed? Only time will tell...
I went through this with my husband 2 years ago now. I've been in therapy myself for years before and continue today. We started serious couples therapy after it became known. I found out about it when my husband came to me, crying, saying he didn't know what to do. That he had a friend who was threatening to commit suicide because her home life was horrible. It all unraveled from there.
So true. My husband emotionally checked out months before we agreed to separate. When we separated but I still lived there. I contacted a great veteran that i got a recommendation about because I would get the proof and bounce, leave all the mortgage and bills in his name and take my shit and my son and start over.. Oh he was on fire alright. I found out all sorts. When I brought it up he went psycho at me. Said I've lost his trust and there was no chance of any reconciliation. But yet he was found out. When things calmed down he said he wouldn't be in a rush to move on. But there he is on tinder in a bathing suit and telling the world he doesn't want kids or a marriage, just fun! His email hackerrobert001 @ g m a i l c o m
I'm terrible at saying no to people who are disrespecting my boundaries, I freeze up because of past trauma where I've been taken advantage of and struggled to form healthy attachments. I feel guilty because I can't be everything to everyone without hurting everyone who matters. My lack of self worth and sense of identity are very invasive but I'm working on them and trying to prioritise my boyfriend's feelings over other's, and just be the person he needs me to be first.
My spouse of 42 years has always been fun loving and extroverted but it hurts ( and he doesn’t understand why) when he tends to gravitate toward women who are ok being objectified, hang out in bars, share innuendos, sexting and provocative jokes. He knew who I was when we met, a person more introverted with clear boundaries. I had no idea until 8 years ago his boundaries were so much larger than mine.... and that he had a bar lifestyle which included texting numerous female bartenders ...sharing jokes, images, etc. I have often wondered if this behavior feeds his ego and connections with people who have few if any boundaries.... or if he has participated in emotional affairs. Much of these so called friendships were mentioned by him over the years but I had no idea the extent of the friendships.... and some of his behavior was covert..... I learned from others he constantly brags about our relationship to these women. I have been VERY VERY confused for a long time? What needs are he missing I wonder .....and which emotions does he need to fill with this lifestyle?
Yay a New upload your videos always makes my daily life stress relief and makes me feel normal everyday for being unwell thanks for your support and hard work your amazing kati
There is a really easy rule of thumb; an emotional affair is everything that you talk to another person that you wouldn't want your partner to know about
What if it was during an alcoholic induced moment when you confessed to them a traumatic childhood experience and you guys were hugging and holding hands? After that it was just normal talking but still hugging. The affair was never done before that moment and afterwards they were completely cut off
I understand the secrecy aspect and being shut out as being hurtful. But, the rest of it just sounds like a close friendship. As long as there’s no deception or shutting me out, what’s the problem with her having intensely close relationships with other people? Like, I want my primary partner to be able to find someone to talk to about intense things other than me, especially since there are some topics that I don’t like to talk about and sometimes I’m just busy or not in a headspace to hear about something. She can form meaningful bonds with whoever she wants, and I can do the same. Being monogamous sounds exhausting. Lol.
It isnt just the secrecy. The person having the affair starts craving interaction and attention from the person they are having the affair with. They also start comparing the new person to their partner. Almost an infatuation with the new person grows. Because of this, they end up comparing the new person to their partner. The new person is seen as flawless and they look at their partner as flawed..they become critical of their long term partner. New person can do no wrong. Long term partner can suddenly do no right and is in the way of their relationship with the new person. This is how longterm relationships crumble. This is how my wife of 13 years became after having an emotional affair with a coworker. My marriage ended.
no,just the one that's on the other end of 'emotional cheating' e.g the one not in the relationship on the side, being the one that's there for the emotional side of things. didn't know it was actually a thing but always felt it was odd and wrong but low-key enjoy it because I don't get that kind of bond with anyone else. very helpful.
Kati...could you please do more videos on people who people who struggle not only with mental health, but physical disabilities..advocating for yourself and dealing with the difficult process of 1) obtaining the correct diagnosis (especially for those with autoimmune conditions etc. and 2) the long process of applying for disability?
This was very informative and inspired me to think about how I've been 'unfaithful' to my significant other emotionally. I didn't even realize I was doing this, let alone realize the kind of hurt it can cause. Thank you, sister. 😷👍
Please can you make a video about dealing with cruches or even falling with a teacher/older people. How do you handle it? Get over it? Do you say anything or just stay quiet? Why does it even happen?
Seeking out attention or validation is not always narcissism. Maybe you should clarify the need for validation or attention, the levels of it, what it means, whether relating behaviors are healthy or not healthy.
"We really shouldn't feel the need to keep anything from our partners or spouses." [5:35]. My question is this: What if your partner or spouse keeps a diary, which is confidential? Is keeping a locked diary a breach of trust, even though it does not involve another person?
That's a good question because I keep a diary. But I think the diary isn't communication with another individual--it's a solo thing. Where the transparency should apply is where there is communicating with another individual (text, emails, calls, etc) because that type of communication is part of the very fabric of emotional affairs.
It can be hard to do the work we need to in therapy, so we can leave crying or feeling really tired. I would let your therapist know you are feeling this way and maybe they can give you more time at the end of your session to calm down and feel better :) xoxo
This will be a great video for me to listen to as I sometimes feel guilty of something I've done in the past or have learned that I blocked something out from my past and am re learning it
Thank you,Kate, for your videous. I`m from Russia and we haven`t so interesting and glad chanel about psychology and relastionships! I don`t miss out your videos! Thanks!
My wife of 13 years had an emotional affair with a coworker that ended our marriage and ripped our family (we have 2 kids) apart. All of the signs you talk about were there - confiding deep stuff, comparing me to him, being secretive about communications, etc. She set up secret email accounts to communicate with him. She came home crying at one point and said she was "emotionally connected" to a coworker. I didnt get the danger. She became hyper critical of me and argumentative. She saw him as flawless. Because she didnt sleep with him, she claims she didnt have an affair. I tried to get her to go to couples therapy. She went to 3 sessions, but wouldnt participate. Been divorced 6 years now.
This is a great topic. Could you explore & do a vidro on the "other person" in an emotional affair? Especially where the other/outside person is NOT in a relationship at the time of the affair & he/she falls in love with the married person.
I'm so glad you covered this. I'm still recovering from an ex who did this. It's terrible, really. His behavior got even worse (or more visible?) after I left him. I couldn't even be friends with him.
This is so interesting and informative! I’m studying to be an LMFT just like you and I absolutely love learning more and more in every one of your videos! Thank you so much Katie.
OMG yes. My ex did this to me and he still says that he didn't cheated because they didn't have sex when we were together. He did ALL of the things you are talking about in the video. The first time I saw you was on a Shawn Dawson video. I'm definitely a fan. I just fan out today about you TH-cam channel. So happy 😊😊😊🤗
That's not the heart. That's hormones in wrongful action. Adulterous behaviors that people all too often try to layer with excuses and justifications, by saying something like: "He wasn't fulfilling my needs so I found someone who did", "She wasn't really paying attention to me, so I found someone a lot hotter and much more attentive." This is all selfish, manipulative behavior, that lacks the maturity of a grown adult who should have their mind in order to express honestly to their spouse in the first place: "I don't love you anymore." or "I want to be divorced." or "Our marriage no longer has the value that it once had." Yet so many people lack the essential ingredient that it takes to properly end a marriage... Honesty! Ironically, those are the same people that went into the marriage boasting on their honesty, commitment to the person they love, how they honor tradition, reflect values, etc. People make me cringe with their lack of logical reasoning.
@@PC-Gamer-000 so incredibly truthful. My ex had an emotional affair with my ex best friend. Then breaks up with me saying "I'm not in love with you anymore" and "I don't think you ever loved me" which were never expressed before.
What do you do when your wife seeks emotional relief she feels you can’t give her from other men..? If I really can’t give it to her it feels unfair to take away that only outlet, even tho yes it hurts a lot. What if she has no friends otherwise so taking it away would leave her more alone when she’s already depressed about feeling she can’t emotionally connect with me? Does it make it any more acceptable or less “cheating” if the guy lives in another state and they don’t ever see one another in person?
Thank you for this, my spouse has done this he’s extremely apologetic so far we have spent 10 months in counselling I still am really struggling with moving forward
Mine did too...I found out when I was looking at the phone bill. It was 2 women. If they were friends, I would know about them and that's another thing entirely different. I had been in a bad wreck and he was doing this while I was even in surgery. We are in therapy but this is so hard to get over. I totally get what you are saying. Im so glad to know, Im not alone out here.
Ginger Mullins that’s so crazy. His started as I got told they thought I had cancer. I was undergoing treatment etc and thankfully it wasn’t but didn’t need surgery and he was messaging her then too.
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It broke my heart when I saw my wife's texts to this man. What was worse was that she downplayed it as if I'd never seen them. She had left her browser open on our common computer and I found the PM's minimized. That was 2009. We are still married but we haven't been the same since.
I kind of disagree...I feel like leaning on your partner for anything and everything puts a lot of pressure on them and holds relationships to a higher standard of importance than platonic ones. It’s like you can be close with friends but not too close? I feel like it’s all about the intention behind it. Is it because the person their emotionally cheating with is a back burner or someone they have romantic interest/feelings for? Then yes, I can see a problem. I think simply being emotionally close isn’t cheating. I also don’t think under any circumstance is it healthy to have access to a partners passwords and conversations. Even if trust is broken, you’re learning to trust again by doing something that signifies lack of trust? Seems counter productive imo.
First off, leaning on your partner for anything and everything does put a lot of pressure on the person, but that's the basis of a relationship. Dependency on one another. Couples are suppose to stick to each other and have love and dependence invested into one another. Secondly, it is in your opinion that "I think simply being emotionally close isn't cheating." Being emotionally close with someone who has already promised themselves in matrimony to another person is very wrong. That's called being a mistress. It is finding a way to be cute and lovable with the person on an emotional level, which is essentially mimicking the role of that person's spouse. This is a selfish and manipulative tactic.
I think that if you’re not comfortable telling your partner about the conversation, that’s where you have crossed the line.
Emotional cheating may often be bad, but it saved me from an abusive relationship with a narcissist - I met someone else, we talked progressively more and more for about 6 months and he helped me realise my life didn't have to suck. As soon as I became aware I was emotionally cheating, I left my abusive partner for him. I'm finally free. No regrets!
Amy Turk - same here- when you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, having a caring relationship with someone of the opposite sex can help remind you that you have something to offer, and that you are lovable, after being beat down by the narcissist. I don’t feel guilty for wanting to have at least some of my needs filled, because my abusive husband won’t fill them. He set the stage for this to happen - not me!!!!
The fact that both of you try to justify your decisions speak volumes about who you are as a person
@@CorpseGodX the fact that the person literally talked to someone because they were in an abusive relationship and you don't understand that speaks volumes about you too. If you can't talk to your partner because they DONT listen or care about you (like an abuser) then what do you do? Where do you turn? How does a person who is being pressured and abused and probably trapped or feels scared to leave because they're being threatened know they need to leave or do so safely without support? You seem like you aren't experienced or mature enough to understand that one person may do something out of desperation or because of neglect especially in this situation.
@@LulutheJester, there's a proper way to end things. Running into the arms of a warm lover is not right. Cheating begets cheating. The person someone cheated on to find someone better, that romantic lover possesses the mindset that cheating is justifiable, and will ultimately cheat on the person given a proper interval of time. It's a vicious cycle. I've seen it happen to many people. Literature and movies have routinely covered this subject of scenario. Two wrongs don't make a right.
@@PC-Gamer-000 it's not but to act like their situation was black and white is disingenuous and dishonest. Abuse and assault are a thing. Threats are a thing. Not saying i condone cheating but at the same time some people are in a mental state where the only thing that can reach them is the true love of someone else. Sometimes thats not a family member or friend. You also seemed to fail to notice the difference in people. One is an actual lover. The other is abusive. You dont physically and mentally abuse a person you love. That means you are selfish. That means you don't care. The other person obviously does. At the end of the day acting like everything is black and white is just as childish and immature and something out of tv like you're saying. Some people need to be in a different mental state and their partner prevents that. But im speaking as someone who actually give council to people not just someone who's "seen a few things" I've never had to cheat because I have never been that pressed into a situation but I've met countless people who have been in some pretty peculiar moments that unfourntately make them choose something they didn't ever wish to.
100% the same, if not worse than, physically cheating. Wasted 6yrs of my life in a relationship that was riddled with my spouse having emotional affairs. He didn't think he was doing anything 'seriously ' wrong, even as a marriage counselor told him he was.
My ex girlfriend did the same not going back
Yup just finishing up a divorce for this reason exactly
This is almost worst than physical, emotions are strong and are something we have to be cautious who we share them with! Again love what you're about and keep inspiring the awareness and love what you do! Always an inspiration for my channel and vids!
I agree! thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, and so glad you are enjoying the videos!! xox
@@Katimorton i have questions do with affairs
1 if someone an affair without sex, is that really cheating?
2 can people have emotional affair with their ex boyfriends and girlfriends behind their husbands and wifes back?
3 what type of affair is only holding hands and kissing and hugging without having sex with them?
Thank you for your time from jess sellars
For whoever wonders what the difference is: I think is when you no longer share deep conversations or emotional feelings with your significant other and go look for it in someone else.
When you don’t bother to work on communication with your partner but go and open up easily with someone else. Eventually this type of behaviour ends in other forms of cheating.
Emotional cheating ended my five year long relationship with my partner. I could never trust him anymore and I always felt guilty that it was my fault when actually, it wasn't.
I just read my partner's diary (yes, i know,awful) but after 4 years of them gaslighting me and criticizing me, i read that they never got over their ex and all the time we were together they were thinking and wanting to reconnect with ex. What a gift from Universe to finally get them out of my life.
I was emotionally and physically cheated on within the past year. It really broke my spirit. I have a hard time wanting to live even to this day. I am still friends with this person but sometimes I even think that is too much. I wish this video came out while I was going through this and questioning whether they were being faithful to me or not. My gut told me something while they said something else, and in the end I learned you must always trust your intuition over everything else. Kati, you are so kind and helpful, thank you.
Define "emotional conversation" because I have deep conversations about myself with many people I'm close to. Like I have multiple friends who I know I can talk to about emotional stuff. Does that mean when I get a boyfriend I can't talk to him AND those people because it's "unfaithful?" I'm confused
You share more with a partner. Even if not married your life has a merger with theirs. And we're talking about flirting and stuff here. And if you're open with everybody it's very different- there are exceptional cases for most things.
Honestly same. I feel like this is bashing deep friendships. Like what???
Kati considers it is emotional cheating when you have deep conversations with someone you have just met, not long time friends. She said it in the video. And she describes the other signs too: you fill the need to talk to this person all the time, you miss them... In my own experience, you also enter in a "seductive game", you're not only talking but flirting, you can feel it is not the same as sharing with a friend. If you don't feel you are flirting with any of your close friend, I think you're good ;).
No it's totally fine it's not cheating
The "emotional conversations" would be directed to one specific person that they confide in. Typically things that they dont even share with their spouse. It's a slippery slope. It might start innocently enough. Its possible to have emotionally charged conversations with a member of the opposite sex without any real problems.
It's pretty easy to tell the difference when you're actually in it. Especially when the lies start.
Thank you for making this video. You have helped me understand what I was doing wrong and helped me understand the difference between a friend and a emotional afar. Because of you I was having a emotional affair when I thought it was a friend ship. Thank for helping me understand and start the healing process. Thank you.
How have you started the healing process? How has that gone? Are you still with your partner?
You didn't mention the obvious cause: you're not getting what you need (emotionally) at home. This can usually be fixed by simply communicating your needs and opening up with each other.
- she mentioned it I think, but even so, you cant depend on only on your partner( if you live only with him) for all the listening and help, that would be very exhausting. So forming other friendships close or not can help you feel much better. And if both sides share with each other I see nothing wrong with it. Of course you dont stop talking with your partner either, just that you don’t expect him to console you for everything.
That's literally one of the first things she mentioned
As a relationship counselor myself, this is the No. 1 reason, by far. Unfortunately, most people don't even know they have needs, what those Needs may be, let alone what their partners Needs may be. Given that poor starting point, in most cases, there's virtually no communication on our Needs or our partner's Needs. This virtually guarantees affairs.
That's bs.. it's the go to excuse or defense. Have you even spoken to your partner that your feeling neglected? Have you considered the other options to not cheating..divorce,separation,counseling,talking,mediation...cheating is never the option...I'm speaking as a former cheater to having a serial cheater as a spouse
@@KatJael55it’s the easier option for the cheater
What a mess! Almost ended my marriage, Kati. Still not over it from 20 years ago. How can a marriage survive total deception by a spouse? ‘We went to two different marriage counselors to save the marriage. One factor you were absolutely accurate about is the marriage is never the same. What kept me married was a disabled child.
It will be in my thoughts the day I die. My wife completely minimized it. Deception is a devil!
Letting go and forgiving is amazingly tough
We forgive because we can't forget I guess
I think emotional cheating is probably really prevalent in people who have attachment problems due to childhood neglect.
My partners emotional affair destroyed my trust in him, especially since he hid their communication for our entire relationship. Telling me he "cut ties" when he never did.
Hope you’re doing okay. I’m having this issue right now, found out yesterday. Broke up with him instantly. It’s okay karma will do its work, hope you’re thriving!!
I found an emotional affair really hard to deal with.I think we have what I call relationship energy, the effort we invest in a relationship: time , communication, planning etc. I think emotional affair is when your relationship suffers from your putting similar relationship energy into another relationship. I don't mind a partner sharing a lot with others, I mind it when I don't feel they are investing on us the way I would need and they used to. I think calling texting a close friend can totally ok, if I feel as a partner if I needed something my needs would be a priority over the needs of a friend.
Hey Kati! I know many people struggle with emotional neglect during childhood, but could you do a video about overprotective parents? Thank you for the hard work!
Had someone emotionally cheat on me felt like I was stayed in the back
as a lot of other people mentioned in the comments, I also find it difficult to draw a line between being really good friends with someone and being in an emotional relationship with them.. I don't have a partner, so I wouldn't be cheating either way.. but I wouldn't want to accidentally start an emotional relationship with someone that I don't actually want to be in a proper relationship with..
I've noticed that I have a tendency to overshare and I often come at people very strong, because I like openness and honesty.. I also crave an emotional relationship with someone, even though I don't want to date anyone, or rather I don't know anyone I would like to date.. so I think I don't really know what the proper boundries should be and I also lack motivation not to cross those boundries, I guess..
Well if you ask me there is no difference, this whole “EmOTiOnAl ChEaTInG” thing is complete and total horse shit crafted by insecure/jealous idiots who think they’re getting cucked when their partner emotionally supports the other people in their life
It's easy, Can you talk to your friend the same way if beside you two is your spouse?
The worst part of an emotional affair is that you can't call them out for it. There's always a justification. "You were neglectful so I went to someone else," or characterising your mistrust as possessive. Which it might be - so you question yourself. No physicality means no clear line you can point to and say, "you crossed the boundary." It's really underhanded behaviour.
Oh my god. This is what my mom has been doing to my dad. Texting secretly, comparing my dad with her ex, telling me that she married my dad for money. I feel devastated now.
Simple rule to follow: Ask yourself if you were okay with your friends partner or your own partner reading all your texts and discussions. If you have nothing to hide, you probably have a healthy and supportive friendship. If not, clean it up or distance yourself from that person.
Does the "nothing to hide" rule apply to keeping a confidential diary?
@@stevenk-brooks3459 Interesting ! I guess then the diary wouldnt be confidential anymore. Does it contain secrets about relationships with others or perhaps other secrets? I know of partners who hide receipts for expensive items and demand a certain level of privacy over their banking etc.
Yes, outside validation. I want to know that others find value in me. Maybe I'm looking for intimacy outside of my ordinary life. Not sure. It is an ongoing struggle.
I totally understand where you are coming from. As a person who cheated multiple times both sexually and emotionally in a previous relationship, outside validation was my number one reason. (the whole relationship was toxic and twisted on both sides, not that this is an excuse for my behaviour but I'm finally learning to see my behaviour as part of a pattern of trying to escape from the relationship. I was in terrible mental health and I was raped, emotionally blackmailed and manipulated for three and a half years)
@@carolineoconnor2461 I don't necessarily see outside validation as bad *as long as* you don't seek out most of your outside validation from someone else other than your partner.
YAY!!!!! That you for answering my question! You’re THE BEST!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Oof, that’s a lot of heart emojis, be careful, you might be emotionally cheating, ooooh nooo
I don't really think I understand your description. From the way you describe it it sounds like a really close friendship could be cheating even if it's not romantic at all.
But not really, because like she said, it’s not okay to intentionally hide talking to the person, and it’s not okay to lie about who they’re talking to. The deceit behind it all is what makes it an emotional affair.
And I think it matters whether it takes away from your emotional relationship with your partner. Usually, your friendships don't take away from that emotional intimacy.
I feel like honesty is the most important value in a relationship. What are your views on this in relation to a polyamorous/ open relationship
@@PC-Gamer-000 You obviously know nothing about the subject. Honesty is the foremost building stone in poly relationships. As well as respect for your partners and being open about your feelings. It is also DEFINITELY about emotional connection. It can be hard enough as it is having more than one close romantic relationship, and you usually don't go into it unless it's really worth it and the connection with the other person is really strong.
There are still boundaries. If you cross those boundaries in a poly relationship, it’s still cheating. You said “poly/open relationship”, but open relationships are only one kind of polyamory. Many are closed. If it’s open, there’s things the partner may want in terms of being told or talking about it afterwards. And then if things change, for example going from a closed to open relationship or adding partners or whatever else you may have, those things should be discussed before things get going. Basically, trust should be worked towards and rewarded, not taken advantage of. As in a monogamous relationship.
@@PC-Gamer-000 that’s not true at all.
@Sincerely Respectfully Just like every monogamous relationship has issues and eventually collapses? Sure. Whatever you want to believe.
@Ez source?
Would there have to be romantic feelings (of your partner) for the other person to consider it emotional cheating? Because I find it difficult to draw a line where its just a friendship
Agreed on this one. If you really want to know if what you are doing is emotionally cheating, maybe discuss it with your partner? If you really don't want to discuss this person with your partner that might be a sign.
Lynn Mikaelson 4:20
I think it has be considered causing harmful or maladaptive, like with disorders. Or it could be considered cheating if you have a partner and save these kinds of openness for somebody else instead.
@@chaonis24601 fear of doing something is not necessarily an indicator of having done something wrong.
Just so I'm understanding you clearly... you want to know if there has to be romantic feelings present for the person to consider it emotionally cheating? If this is what you are wondering, the answer is: The outcome will be what you have put into it. In other words, If you're married and spending personal time alone with someone else, what you personally do in that time period makes all the difference in how you define your marriage to your significant other. Your actions speak just how much your marriage matters to you.
I’d say another reason is you’re not receiving the emotional support you need from your SO for a variety of reasons. They may not know what to do/say when you’ve tried to go to them in the past or they might not respond at all.
So is having feelings for another person emotionally cheating? I didnt know that this was a thing and now i feel terrible...
You dont have to feel terribile. She is saying only that you should examine those feelings.
It's not the feelings, it is what you do with such feelings. We can all be attracted to other people while in relationships, it is normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about feelings. But what you do about it, wether you encourage romantic feelings toward that person, etc. is allways a choice and that makes all the difference.
So true. My husband emotionally checked out months before we agreed to separate. When we separated but I still lived there. I contacted a great veteran that i got a recommendation about because I would get the proof and bounce, leave all the mortgage and bills in his name and take my shit and my son and start over.. Oh he was on fire alright. I found out all sorts. When I brought it up he went psycho at me. Said I've lost his trust and there was no chance of any reconciliation. But yet he was found out. When things calmed down he said he wouldn't be in a rush to move on. But there he is on tinder in a bathing suit and telling the world he doesn't want kids or a marriage, just fun! His email hackerrobert001 @ g m a i l c o m
I like how you explained all of this ,very good information
Very interesting and intriguing. Never really looked at that issue before but it certainly warrants more of my attention. Thanks for your presentation.
I think emotional affairs are worse than sexual affairs, because your heart is involved.
This is the sort of thing that makes me glad I'm single and makes me want to stay that way. The idea that I can't have an emotionally intense conversation with whomever I choose - that I'm beholden to a single other person for that? That's suffocating. It's like one's partner having ownership of them. I find that appalling.
You can just have poly relationships. I think it's okay to have freedom as long as you're willing to give your partner the same freedom and you're open and upfront about your needs. Honesty and knowing yourself will go a long way
I completely agree
You tell you are single what about the person you are talking to
What should I do if I think my partner may be guilty of emotional affairs?
following
more bumpitty. let's do this friend 💪💪💪
Be more manly
My concern is the communication you seem scared to even bring this up with your partner, why is that?
One word: *TALK*
Causes
1. Don't know how to set boundaries, overshare or let others overshare
2. Lose respect for partner
3. Need external validations
4. Can't communicate feelings and needs, expect partner to read our minds without telling them.
Signs
1. Start talking more and texting, feel worried of stopping the relationship
2. Confide or reach out for important things
3. Start lying or hiding details about the friendship
4. Start comparing this person with spouse
Healing
1. Grief, let go of the old relationship create a new one
2. Communicate honestly and openly about what happened
3. Complete transparency for a period of time before the new relationship really begins
The thrill of a new found love is a powerful drug not easily stopped
I had an emotional affair, once. It was a huge red flag that I needed to break up with my boyfriend. I do consider an emotional affair to be cheating and I know what I did was wrong. I really should have broke up with him sooner. I finally did after a few months
How do you feel about things now? We’re you honest with your boyfriend?
@@552MB probably not. Many women just monkey branch from one guy to another, so it is likely she only broke up with her boyfriend because she got with the guy she was emotionally cheating with.
just my speculation based on how a lot of women behave.
She probably got those butterflies and those sparks again while she decided to cheat on her boyfriend with her emotional affair partner behind her boyfriends back. Sign of a bit*h. Woman tend to do have an affair after they lose interest and gets bored of their current partner.
@@552MB I broke up with him about 4 months after the emotional cheating began. About 2 months after that, we started talking again and then I told him what I had done. He was really upset and told me never to talk to him again.
I ended up turning down a relationship with the guy a cheated with. Now the guy I cheated with is married and so am I. I married the next boyfriend 9 had after the fiasco.
The emotional cheating started because my boyfriend-at-the-time wasn't treating me well at all. And every time I tried to talk with him about our problems, he said he "didn't want to fight" and all my issues wound up being repressed. It was also hard for me to break up with him 1. Because he had abandonment issues and I was scared of what it would do to him. 2. He was the first guy I had sex with and I really would have preferred to only have had one partner in life (I feel uncomfortable admitting that because everyone I've told treated me like I was stupid for not breaking up for the sex reason. I don't like being treated like I'm stupid).
I still believe I did the wrong thing, but staying faithful was not sustainable given how he treated me and given how I felt about the guy I treated with. The right thing would have been to break up sooner. But I don't feel guilt anymore.
That was the only time I've ever cheated
@@Rajputrajx I appreciate your use of the words "probably" and "tend to." You are probably right but I am not one of those people. It was a one-time-thing, and now I have a husband who treats me well, so i don't believe I will every feel the need to cheat again
the way you say 'welcome' makes me unbelievably happy lmao
I'm curious. What's your opinion/view on Emotional Deprivation Disorder? Have you done a video on the subject already? If not, will you please?
In high school I dated a guy who was always talking to one of his (female) friends. They would talk on the phone, send each other song recommendations, and even sometimes hang out together. I brushed it aside because he would tell me that they're just really great friends. But after we broke up, they went on a date (they didn't end up in a relationship though). I sometimes wonder if he was emotionally cheating the whole time.
My boyfriend just did this with my best friend, I don’t know how to feel. I’m angry, I’m sad. I’m healing from mental health issues and my friend and boyfriend were both safe people for me. Now I feel completely alone and in so much pain...
So sorry you have gone through this. You didn’t deserve that.
I'm going through the exact same thing. My girlfriend did the same with my best friend. It's so incredibly hard. So lonely and hard. My ex and him are now dating too. I've lost friends and im borderline alone all the time. It feels so dark and terrible.
I am guilty of this. I did this just in February. Ended my old sickly relationship because I couldn’t live with the guilt. And no, nothing became of my affair. Still very much ashamed of that episode. I should have ended my old relationship earlier, before I was prone to this problem.
How are you now? Did you find a way to get over this?
@@552MB Wow, that comment was a long time ago. My old partner decided to stop hating and avoiding me just a few months ago. It is much less of a burden on my concience now.
I've had a few tries at relationships in the meantime. I did learn a lot. I have managed to be more conscious of my feelings and to end dating/ relationships when my feelings never developed/faded.
On the other hand I have not manged to form a lasting relationship before Covid, and I have not managed to meet anyone during Covid, so... baby steps I guess.
Could you do a video on Treatment Resistant Depression? And maybe what the new ketamine treatment for that is?
ASL is Beautiful yes I also would like this
For treatment resistant depression I would look up a condition called... CIRS
Yess I need a vid on that
No i have not. I got broken up so i was looking naturally for emotional substitute..... but since someone shut me out you cant call this cheating.....
I have Treatment Resistant Major Depression, I would love to hear more about it....
The way you set out these videos and the way you say things in a neutral way is just amazing I looooove the way you make them it’s so informative and helpful
I'm glad you're addressing this. However, in this day and age the lines on this get blurry especially with highschool and college age people. We can't even feel safe that we aren't doing this with the same gender when we are clearly straight and we aren't gay but have close relationships with peers. As a man I have to say that the idea of an emotionally affair drives me crazy. Being in a life long monogamous relationship is challenging enough, now we can have an affair with out even actually cheating? Frankly, I feel smothered with this kind of thing. It's hard enough to connect as a guy. Another thing that drives me crazy with this emotional affair concept is that I don't know any men that buy into the idea that you can have an affair without actually having an affair. I accept the fact that we must have boundaries in a monogamous relationship. But this concept is a slippery slope to having your spouse be your everything in life and that is not possible. Ester Perell says this all the time.
Great Insight. Thanks for all of your help.
Its not practical to try and define emotional cheating, because for each couple the definition is different. Something your partner views as normal you may be devastated by. What your friends do and is normal for them may not be normal for your spouse.
Emotional or any other cheating needs to be defined up front.
Otherwise you may be surprised when your spouse has a total meltdown and you become a “cheater” for engaging in behavior you might be comfortable with.
Each couple has to define these things.
I was both physically and emotionally cheated on. She full on started a new relationship with someone else whilst being with me. The emotional side was infinitely worse. I really cant say enough how desperately I wished it had been solely physical. Her emotionally connecting with someone else on that level was a far greater betrayal than any carnal act.
This was extremely helpful to me. My bf didn't know what emotionally cheating was. But also he's lied to me before and knowing we can get past it was great thanks
Wifes ex reaches out after 20 yrs. They start messaging, she tells me about it. No big deal. About a yr later she offer a solution to a problem i had, that her "Friend" had suggeated. I was frustrated with the issue i had and told wife, i dont care 1 bit about what he has to say, nor did i want any contact from him, and said I just dont wanna hear about him any more. My wife took that as go ahead and keep messaging each other. Another yr goes by and wife askes me one day if she and her "Friend" can have lunch in a couple days. I said no. After looking thru the 2yr of messages. He was very innapropriate almost from the start. I asked her to stop talking and to block him, she put up quite a bit of resistance, saying "we're just friends" and said i was trying to be controlling. Couple weeks of fighting, and she realized how wrong the "Friend Ex" was being she did what i asked. All the while saying she didnt realize what he was doing. Shes smart and their relationship ended bad. So i have to assume she wanted something from this piece of garbage that i couldnt give her. Can she really claim innocence? I am so lost.
This concept confuses me. So if friends are not for emotional support, what are they for? If I am emotionally supportive to my friends, that is cheating? This idea makes it feel like I'm not allowed to have friends outside of an intimate relationship...
Being cheated on emotionally hurts as bad as being physically cheated on. I wasn't given any answers. Once she realized I was aware. I was dumped via text and never spoken to again. Ignored. She feared confrontation. I forgive her. I wish that we could start over, but I'm afraid her stubbornness will keep us from ever trying. I wish there was something I could do. Thank you Kati. Your videos have made life a lot easier. You are a beautiful human being.
How it is going bro?
Been there done that. You don't even realize it until something bad happens.
I have written this before, but I will again.
Please do a video on Emotional Masochism, and I would also like to hear your thoughts on Dianetics.
Very helpful information
Great video 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Such a great topic. Thank you so much, very interesting!!!!!! 😘
So by this logic, every every relationship with a child is an emotional affair on the spouse/other parent.
I didn’t know what an emotional affair was until I was already deep into one. I didn’t realize I could be hurting my partner by becoming close friends with and flirting with someone else, even if it seemed innocent enough to me because in my head, I was being faithful by not having sex with them. Luckily I’ve been completely honest and transparent with my partner and he knows he is the one I want to be with. He knows about everything said between us and according to my partner, he is okay with it. But it takes a lot to admit I was cheating, because I didn’t mean to. I was just so happy I found someone I really connected with. We just instantly clicked, and I did have a crush on him but because I was trying not to cross a line, I thought I was doing a good thing. The truth is unless you are put into this situation yourself, you really don’t know what it feels like to have to choose between two people you really love and care for. I absolutely love my partner, but I also love this other man as a close friend. And if my partner is okay with me being friends with him, I don’t see what is wrong with having close friendships, even if there is an element of attraction there. I no longer flirt with this other man because I realize that, while at the time I didn’t think it was harmful, I realize now it’s inappropriate so I stopped and now we are just keeping it G rated. But why must I choose between people I love if it isn’t hurting anyone?
You're a very lucky woman to have such an understanding partner. I only hope that you'll be equally understanding if your husband does this to you one of these days.
Nothing good ever comes from opposite sex relationships when you are married. I would have kicked your ass to the curb. Two timeing wemon/men have no idea how hurtful this is.
Why must you choose between people you love if it isn't hurting anyone? Because it is hurting someone. Your partner and your relationship. You're adding tension to your relationship that doesn't need to be there. You have to ask yourself if your relationship is important enough to you to put it first and remove the temptation altogether. If you can't, then you don't love your partner like you say.
@@NBGUYVER I stopped talking to this other man for other reasons. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I still feel like we had a connection that was unlike any other I've ever experienced. But I chose to put my life and my relationship over it. Will I regret it on my deathbed? Only time will tell...
You make some awesome points and it makes me aware of things I can work on! Awesome Video!
I'm a single 16 year old yet I'm still watching this lol. Good stuff!
I went through this with my husband 2 years ago now. I've been in therapy myself for years before and continue today. We started serious couples therapy after it became known. I found out about it when my husband came to me, crying, saying he didn't know what to do. That he had a friend who was threatening to commit suicide because her home life was horrible. It all unraveled from there.
How is it going now? Going through something similar with husband.
So true. My husband emotionally checked out months before we agreed to separate. When we separated but I still lived there. I contacted a great veteran that i got a recommendation about because I would get the proof and bounce, leave all the mortgage and bills in his name and take my shit and my son and start over.. Oh he was on fire alright. I found out all sorts. When I brought it up he went psycho at me. Said I've lost his trust and there was no chance of any reconciliation. But yet he was found out. When things calmed down he said he wouldn't be in a rush to move on. But there he is on tinder in a bathing suit and telling the world he doesn't want kids or a marriage, just fun! His email hackerrobert001 @ g m a i l c o m
Good Video!
I'm terrible at saying no to people who are disrespecting my boundaries, I freeze up because of past trauma where I've been taken advantage of and struggled to form healthy attachments. I feel guilty because I can't be everything to everyone without hurting everyone who matters. My lack of self worth and sense of identity are very invasive but I'm working on them and trying to prioritise my boyfriend's feelings over other's, and just be the person he needs me to be first.
My spouse of 42 years has always been fun loving and extroverted but it hurts ( and he doesn’t understand why) when he tends to gravitate toward women who are ok being objectified, hang out in bars, share innuendos, sexting and provocative jokes. He knew who I was when we met, a person more introverted with clear boundaries. I had no idea until 8 years ago his boundaries were so much larger than mine.... and that he had a bar lifestyle which included texting numerous female bartenders ...sharing jokes, images, etc. I have often wondered if this behavior feeds his ego and connections with people who have few if any boundaries.... or if he has participated in emotional affairs. Much of these so called friendships were mentioned by him over the years but I had no idea the extent of the friendships.... and some of his behavior was covert..... I learned from others he constantly brags about our relationship to these women. I have been VERY VERY confused for a long time? What needs are he missing I wonder .....and which emotions does he need to fill with this lifestyle?
Yay a New upload your videos always makes my daily life stress relief and makes me feel normal everyday for being unwell thanks for your support and hard work your amazing kati
Great video, thank you 🙏
There is a really easy rule of thumb; an emotional affair is everything that you talk to another person that you wouldn't want your partner to know about
What if it was during an alcoholic induced moment when you confessed to them a traumatic childhood experience and you guys were hugging and holding hands? After that it was just normal talking but still hugging. The affair was never done before that moment and afterwards they were completely cut off
I understand the secrecy aspect and being shut out as being hurtful. But, the rest of it just sounds like a close friendship. As long as there’s no deception or shutting me out, what’s the problem with her having intensely close relationships with other people? Like, I want my primary partner to be able to find someone to talk to about intense things other than me, especially since there are some topics that I don’t like to talk about and sometimes I’m just busy or not in a headspace to hear about something. She can form meaningful bonds with whoever she wants, and I can do the same.
Being monogamous sounds exhausting. Lol.
It's not exhausting if its healthy. That would be a duty for a childhood friend or a really close family member
It isnt just the secrecy. The person having the affair starts craving interaction and attention from the person they are having the affair with. They also start comparing the new person to their partner. Almost an infatuation with the new person grows. Because of this, they end up comparing the new person to their partner. The new person is seen as flawless and they look at their partner as flawed..they become critical of their long term partner. New person can do no wrong. Long term partner can suddenly do no right and is in the way of their relationship with the new person. This is how longterm relationships crumble. This is how my wife of 13 years became after having an emotional affair with a coworker. My marriage ended.
I wished this video was out a long time ago! Great video as always! Nice shirt and blooper! Bawhaha
Love your videos! You do a great job explaining things
no,just the one that's on the other end of 'emotional cheating' e.g the one not in the relationship on the side, being the one that's there for the emotional side of things. didn't know it was actually a thing but always felt it was odd and wrong but low-key enjoy it because I don't get that kind of bond with anyone else. very helpful.
Kati...could you please do more videos on people who people who struggle not only with mental health, but physical disabilities..advocating for yourself and dealing with the difficult process of 1) obtaining the correct diagnosis (especially for those with autoimmune conditions etc. and 2) the long process of applying for disability?
Priscilla Browne check out Kati’s playlist on chronic illness! th-cam.com/play/PL_loxoCVsWqxDsCUIsgBZVxZ2ogfNoTde.html
@@_just_TK I have..but I was asking for more..thanks!
Hi Kati can you make a video about how people can look happy but are depressed. Xoxo I love you video and you have inspired me to be a psychologist!!!
I want to be a therapist
This was very informative and inspired me to think about how I've been 'unfaithful' to my significant other emotionally. I didn't even realize I was doing this, let alone realize the kind of hurt it can cause. Thank you, sister. 😷👍
ᙅYᙖᙓᖇ ᗪOᙅ™ Ditto
Always good videos. Thank you Kati. I had surgery on Monday and so I get to enjoy alot of TH-cam videos and tiktok
I hope you heal quickly and enjoy the down time :) xoxo
Great words
Amazing video
Please can you make a video about dealing with cruches or even falling with a teacher/older people. How do you handle it? Get over it? Do you say anything or just stay quiet? Why does it even happen?
Seeking out attention or validation is not always narcissism. Maybe you should clarify the need for validation or attention, the levels of it, what it means, whether relating behaviors are healthy or not healthy.
"We really shouldn't feel the need to keep anything from our partners or spouses." [5:35]. My question is this: What if your partner or spouse keeps a diary, which is confidential? Is keeping a locked diary a breach of trust, even though it does not involve another person?
That's a good question because I keep a diary. But I think the diary isn't communication with another individual--it's a solo thing. Where the transparency should apply is where there is communicating with another individual (text, emails, calls, etc) because that type of communication is part of the very fabric of emotional affairs.
Recently broke up with my ex gf just because of this. Honestly this is almost worse. Thanks for this video.
Sorry your going through this x
Same just did
If your nice to woman they will take advantage of you
You have to set boundaries in the beginning
Did you cheat or were you cheated on? How do you feel about things now?
Hi Kati, why do I feel terrible every time after therapy, even if I came happy on my session?
It can be hard to do the work we need to in therapy, so we can leave crying or feeling really tired. I would let your therapist know you are feeling this way and maybe they can give you more time at the end of your session to calm down and feel better :) xoxo
Kati has a great video on recovering from difficult therapy sessions! th-cam.com/video/W3-N-biiEkM/w-d-xo.html
All honestly I know that I’m getting mis information and mistreatments
This will be a great video for me to listen to as I sometimes feel guilty of something I've done in the past or have learned that I blocked something out from my past and am re learning it
So helpful!!! Thanks
Thank you,Kate, for your videous. I`m from Russia and we haven`t so interesting and glad chanel about psychology and relastionships! I don`t miss out your videos! Thanks!
Yay. The best kind of notification to get!!
Yay! I hope you liked the video :) xoxo
My wife of 13 years had an emotional affair with a coworker that ended our marriage and ripped our family (we have 2 kids) apart. All of the signs you talk about were there - confiding deep stuff, comparing me to him, being secretive about communications, etc. She set up secret email accounts to communicate with him. She came home crying at one point and said she was "emotionally connected" to a coworker. I didnt get the danger. She became hyper critical of me and argumentative. She saw him as flawless. Because she didnt sleep with him, she claims she didnt have an affair. I tried to get her to go to couples therapy. She went to 3 sessions, but wouldnt participate. Been divorced 6 years now.
I think most women would relate to this kind of cheating anyway You have a beautiful face ♥️
This is a great topic. Could you explore & do a vidro on the "other person" in an emotional affair? Especially where the other/outside person is NOT in a relationship at the time of the affair & he/she falls in love with the married person.
No , I have never . But and ex did and that's why they are an ex.
I am so sorry that happened to you :( xoxo
Same.
The way she says "Welcome!" is super cute.
OMG I need this! Thank you Kati!
I'm so glad you covered this. I'm still recovering from an ex who did this. It's terrible, really. His behavior got even worse (or more visible?) after I left him. I couldn't even be friends with him.
This is so interesting and informative! I’m studying to be an LMFT just like you and I absolutely love learning more and more in every one of your videos! Thank you so much Katie.
OMG yes. My ex did this to me and he still says that he didn't cheated because they didn't have sex when we were together. He did ALL of the things you are talking about in the video. The first time I saw you was on a Shawn Dawson video. I'm definitely a fan. I just fan out today about you TH-cam channel. So happy 😊😊😊🤗
Thank you.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
That's not the heart. That's hormones in wrongful action. Adulterous behaviors that people all too often try to layer with excuses and justifications, by saying something like: "He wasn't fulfilling my needs so I found someone who did", "She wasn't really paying attention to me, so I found someone a lot hotter and much more attentive."
This is all selfish, manipulative behavior, that lacks the maturity of a grown adult who should have their mind in order to express honestly to their spouse in the first place: "I don't love you anymore." or "I want to be divorced." or "Our marriage no longer has the value that it once had."
Yet so many people lack the essential ingredient that it takes to properly end a marriage... Honesty!
Ironically, those are the same people that went into the marriage boasting on their honesty, commitment to the person they love, how they honor tradition, reflect values, etc.
People make me cringe with their lack of logical reasoning.
@@PC-Gamer-000 so incredibly truthful. My ex had an emotional affair with my ex best friend. Then breaks up with me saying "I'm not in love with you anymore" and "I don't think you ever loved me" which were never expressed before.
Thank you...
What do you do when your wife seeks emotional relief she feels you can’t give her from other men..? If I really can’t give it to her it feels unfair to take away that only outlet, even tho yes it hurts a lot. What if she has no friends otherwise so taking it away would leave her more alone when she’s already depressed about feeling she can’t emotionally connect with me?
Does it make it any more acceptable or less “cheating” if the guy lives in another state and they don’t ever see one another in person?
How do you work it out when you believe your partner has had an emotional affair but he denies it incessantly? How do we come to a concensus?
Thank you for this, my spouse has done this he’s extremely apologetic so far we have spent 10 months in counselling I still am really struggling with moving forward
Mine did too...I found out when I was looking at the phone bill. It was 2 women. If they were friends, I would know about them and that's another thing entirely different. I had been in a bad wreck and he was doing this while I was even in surgery. We are in therapy but this is so hard to get over. I totally get what you are saying. Im so glad to know, Im not alone out here.
Ginger Mullins that’s so crazy. His started as I got told they thought I had cancer. I was undergoing treatment etc and thankfully it wasn’t but didn’t need surgery and he was messaging her then too.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
It broke my heart when I saw my wife's texts to this man. What was worse was that she downplayed it as if I'd never seen them. She had left her browser open on our common computer and I found the PM's minimized. That was 2009. We are still married but we haven't been the same since.
I kind of disagree...I feel like leaning on your partner for anything and everything puts a lot of pressure on them and holds relationships to a higher standard of importance than platonic ones. It’s like you can be close with friends but not too close? I feel like it’s all about the intention behind it. Is it because the person their emotionally cheating with is a back burner or someone they have romantic interest/feelings for? Then yes, I can see a problem. I think simply being emotionally close isn’t cheating. I also don’t think under any circumstance is it healthy to have access to a partners passwords and conversations. Even if trust is broken, you’re learning to trust again by doing something that signifies lack of trust? Seems counter productive imo.
This is the reason you should never have relationship with low self esteem people.
One night stand is enough
First off, leaning on your partner for anything and everything does put a lot of pressure on the person, but that's the basis of a relationship. Dependency on one another. Couples are suppose to stick to each other and have love and dependence invested into one another.
Secondly, it is in your opinion that "I think simply being emotionally close isn't cheating." Being emotionally close with someone who has already promised themselves in matrimony to another person is very wrong. That's called being a mistress. It is finding a way to be cute and lovable with the person on an emotional level, which is essentially mimicking the role of that person's spouse. This is a selfish and manipulative tactic.
You wouldn't understand it unless you went through it.