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She is NOT a great person, don’t delude yourself. You are trauma bonded to her. A good person would not actively deceive you, maintaining a relationship with someone behind your back
She might not be a “good person” And funny enough he’s with her. So what would that say about the other player in the game? Yes he obviously seems to be self aware. He seems to be working on his issues. He seems to desire a better and healthier relationship. Yet here he is with her. So if she’s a piece of work, he has his issues just the same Far too many people get caught up thinking there’s the “good” person and the “bad person@. When in reality these relationships contain two damaged and wounded people who BOTH need to work on Themselves if they ever want a healthy relationship. It’s minimizing the other player and turning them into a “victim role” which is far from the truth. Codependency comes with blaming. Shaming. Control. Anger. Threats. Which isn’t any healthier. Ask me how I know ( I was as codependent as they came ) and when we drop the mask of focusing on the other then there is room to improve ourselves. Yet any codependency trap. Let’s talk about everyone else then the man who is the one trying to get help. It’s pointless to focus on her. This is about HIM. HIS needs. HIS wants. HIS rights. HIS expectations. HIS boundaries. How does this even have anything to do with her?
@ssing7113 I agree that all the focus on one person as the bad one can be problematic. I think you make some good points. Yet the female described in this video as described shows literally no empathy. She's totally self-absorbed and carries on an ongoing relationship with a married man outside the relationship. No empathy for her current partner, no concern for the impact on the other family. She's a toxic soup delivered daily. I think acknowledging that truth is a baseline to start from in him looking at himself. She is a flaming narcissist and everyone is fuel. So this is one of the problems with diving into a sexual relationship at the start. The sexual bonding overshadows and hides the massive character issues that would have been much more readily visible. That's worth mentioning. But listening to all his rationalization for her behaviors is painful. To your point, what does it say that he subjects himself to this? He obviously doesn't see how unhealthy the relationship is and that's a serious red flag. What did you find most helpful in dealing with your codependent tendencies?
Did anyone else hear the sirens going off in their heads when David talked about his fiancée getting angry at him for various reasons, calling him a stalker when he expressed concerns about her breaking his reasonable boundaries? David, my man....RUN. Run away and never look back.
I heard the sirens going off after 1 minute already and after 3 minutes I had heard enough and stopped the video. These two characters are both abnormal.
This is the problem with empathy. Those of us with it must guard ourselves intently. If we don't we'll give our souls away to someone who doesn't deserve it - in the slightest. Run, Forrest, run.
So true, so fd up. It's hard not to sympathize and want to be your true empathetic self. I, too, have learned that empathy is a danger to people like us. I, too, have had to harden myself and be a version of myself I don't like being. As you said, though, people target the empathetic.
Having the ability to feel when someone is experiencing a strong emotion does not require you to give your soul away or even do anything about it after you understand the situation. It’s your choice, whether to do anything about it or even to take the time to begin with to understand their situation.
@@PersonalNotPrivate-rl8dv True. However, this lesson is a very painful one to learn in a relationship with someone you love. I made it to the ripe age of 40 before getting crossed up with someone that made me realize that I need to put some solid walls up around my empathetic nature. It is a match made in hell, but unfortunately not very uncommon.
I've been single now for 2 and 1/2 years and I've never been happier. The first year was pretty rough after my narcissist died of brain cancer. As you can probably imagine because now I was alone with no idea of who I was. I'm still trying to figure out what I like.
I have trauma from my past, but I don’t abuse people. I’m not emotionally stable as I have cptsd & ptsd. I’m in therapy & working towards regulation & healthy thinking. Her behavior is not healthy or ok. Please leave her. She’s not healthy enough right now for marriage, let alone raising children. I don’t hate her, but you justifying her bad behavior isn’t going to help her or you. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
I know what you mean but when you are in a relationship and you get stressed for whatever reason the past traumas can transform into abusive behavior whether you like it or not. In relationships you get to know yourself. Relationships heal but they also reveal conflicts from within.
@@chocolatecookie8571 I understand that. I’m married & my husband & I have had many conversations about my behavior. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. But I’m working on it & not blaming it on him, my kids, or my past. She doesn’t seem to be working on it & also seems to be doing a lot of projecting. As I said I don’t hate her. But he’s not in a good place by justifying her behavior nor is she by cheating on him while accusing him of cheating on her. Neither is ready for marriage & God forbid they bring children into this mess. They both have a lot of work to do. Him with boundaries & respecting himself & her with the abusive behavior & refusing to take accountability for her actions.
I don't abuse people either what I'm trying to figure out is I'm trying to control the other person or am I setting healthy boundaries for myself which is the right thing to do
I hope you reply to this but im confused abt my relationship and wheither i should stay with my girlfriend or not....because she recently had told me that she would choose someone she denied 4 years ago....and when I asked her if they ever would come back for her would she choose them and she said yes. She once said hurtful things to see how would I react to it because she believes I'm hiding myself, we talked abt it and stuff. Then after sometime I'd jokingly bring it up like " you better not do that again or I'll turn into a dinosaur" she said "I can't make promises" and that hit me..she's insensitive sometimes or I'm sensitive..she'd tell me that I'm annoying but it seems like it's not serious. So I ignore it. I feel sometimes when I feel close to her emotionally it gets ruined...she brings up something that hurts this closeness I feel...I sometimes I feel like universe doesn't want me to be close to her because something happens that makes me feel further away from her always, I noticed. She had bad caregivers who treated her like a maid she's a very cautious and awake she'd tell me abt her old self and stuff being untrusting cuz of past betrayals...she'd tell me she'd dream abt these caregivers and it would make her feel uneasy. Idk man idk, what to do hope you help me with that.
Pretty horrible how she says she finds you scary, that’s the potential sign of someone who is abusive and will do something to cause you to react then call the cops or tell people you are abusive.
When he said she was friends with the guy because "CPTSD people choose emotionally unavailable people" it made me 🤔 he is the one chasing after an emotionally unavailable person.
Exactly. That leapt out at me, too! I don't believe the letter writer had such a wonderful childhood. It sounds like he's dealing with some form of PTSD and is also anxiously attached and/or codependent. I feel like he needs to get out of this relationship pronto and into working on healing himself
Awesome person doesn't always make a great partner. I've met so many really great intelligent people in my life, but most of them were emotionally unavailable. It was always a pain to get through to them. And I am glad that I just let them be. They're good to hang out with, to chat, to be friends, but that's about it. I am heavily traumatized person myself, but the healing process helped me see other kind of people - those who can actually be good partners. They usually seem to be pretty boring and predictable from the outside. But that was just my trauma talking. Trauma demands excitement and extraordinary. A truly healed and healthy person wishes for true connection, warmth and stability.
Zero chance the other guy's wife knows she is still around. No wife on the planet would tolerate a former mistress remaining "friends" with their spouse. Absolutely none.
@@elibarbq I didn't take it he was wealthy. The wife of someone rich isn't tolerating a "friend" she is tolerating an active side relationship with the mistress. Horny Warbucks isn't going to stay friends with the side piece, he will find another when he gets tired of her.
Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, Self-care is how you take your power back. Love you very much❤️
I had trauma and I know the difference between right and wrong. She basically doesn’t love you. She wants the older guy but you’re her status quo guy to keep until she can find someone else similar to that older man.
Sounds like David is trying to make it into something it's not. All I kept thinking throughout the reading was "leave her alone". For his sake, as well as hers. Just because someone is a "good person" doesn't mean they are a good fit for you, or relationship material in general.
Don't get married, run, and don't look back! Find someone who doesn't have other guys on the side and who doesn't treat you like garbage, no matter what the reason is. She either is or is going to cheat on you and doesn't think that it's a problem.
The female needs to stop dating and actually heal. It's not other people's duty to tiptoe around our triggers. And by giving one a lot of time to understand so then they can explore the triggers and then they won't be as bad later on. For the person writing this letter it doesn't matter what you do or don't do an unhealed person will find a problem with everything. Definitely recommend taking a step back and then asking yourself what in you might needs to be healed due to letting so many things that disrespect you come up.
Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself. Love you very much❤️
“It is not other people’s duty to tiptoe around our triggers” I love this! I often struggle with being easily offended/sensitive and I really need to work on this!
You will constantly be in a loop where you’ll never be good enough. They will “move the goalpost” on everything. Now I keep hearing about we need healing because we’re putting up with the disrespect. Can the case not be that we may be somewhat naive or giving that person a few chances? I don’t want to disregard a good person for a few flaws that shows up early. In my case the serious flaws showed up 1-2 years later. How to filter fast? Too much red flag detection can cloud the green flags.
But she needs free things, someone to use, a place to stay for her and her kid(s), and zero accountability for the mess that is her life. Oh wow. She has pretty eyes tho.
David, I am a lady but had the same problem of trying to make a mean person into a good person because I loved him. Please dont waste years like I did.
12:33 "She is not going to change because it hurts you"...or something that hurts you..."and this is not someone to marry." Thank you. The last person I was seeing...we have known each other for years and made okay friends, but something occurred when we got involved that showed me this very thing, and I ended it straight away. It may be that I could have done so more gracefully, yet I had to process to get here, as it brought up a lot. From the outside looking in, and my old self, can beat beat me up saying it is fear of commitment or what-have-you. But bottom line, while she was expressing several demands of me, she was doing this that hurt me and refused to look at it or own it at all. Actually, she deemed it good. And that simply was not going to work for me. I deserve better than that. Also, she was rushing, wanting to say we were in a relationship when I was in the wanting to date and get to know more personally and evaluate phase, and she was already talking marriage just a few weeks in. Big, big flags for me. Awesome person does not mean awesome mate match.
She is taking him for granted, as she sussed him out being too in love, or maybe desperate (sorry, not wanting to hurt, but this could be a reason why he's not able to let go). Any guy who is self-confident and emotionally fit would not stay. He is more like trying to justify all her mistakes so he can find a reason not to leave. I bet subconsciously he knows it's not going to work, but he might need to find out why he is putting up with all that.........
If they get married... I give the marriage about 6 months then a ugly divorce with permanent emotional and financial damage will occur.. IMO I would't even give her the time of day,let alone any type of friendship!!
Counterpoint: trauma is not the excuse OR even explanation because some people, despite being hurt, turn out to be kind people who want to prevent others from hurting like that. And there are some Cluster B persons who actually had an easy life of being indulged as a child but a genetic predisposition for selfishness.
Wholeheartedly agree. Trauma is never an excuse. My sister became a narcissist, not because she was abused, but because she was an indulged golden child. Meanwhile, as the scapegoat, I WAS both neglected and abused, yet I can't imagine hurting others as I was hurt. My suffering imparted greater empathy to me, not less, for the suffering of others.
This is completely incorrect and there are no “genetic predispositions to selfishness.” Please try not to share your half-baked opinions as authoritative fact.
@@princesinha1680trauma is not an “excuse,” it’s a *reason.* There are nuances to the whole thing and why some hurt people go on to hurt others, and others don’t. Those who don’t have had a “helping witness” as a child or “enlightened witness” as an adult who shows them genuine love and understanding at least once in their life, so they even know such an experience exists. Some people never actually experience that and automatically fall into repeating what they experienced on others. Alice Miller writes about how this all works, there is a science to it.
Sounds like you hit the nail on the head, Anna She’s very codependent and very emotionally codependent on this relationship with this married man. She is stuck in a fantasy illusion. She is definitely not a safe person and she is definitely emotionally unavailable . I would advise this man to set the boundary and leave the relationship if she was still carrying this relationship around. I am so glad I trust myself now and I don’t question if I’m being controlling on boundary violations that I was not aware of for myself and how to stop revictimization myself because someone else was not there for me . Beautiful beautiful thank you Anna .
Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself. Love you very much❤️
Agree with you. Also, what's tricky for anyone, is distinguishing: - are they being controlling/isolating me? - or are they setting a sensible boundary? And: - am I changing my behaviour because they said it hurts them, or I realise they're sensitive about xyz? - or am I people pleasing, because that's my training/mindset, and because I desperately want this relationship to work? - or am I refusing to change because I'm selfish - or refusing to change because I'm insecure and need to feel in control and not expected to 'submit' So far, how I've handled this so far, is: - communicating what I feel, - explaining why I THINK, I'm doing what I want/choosing/choosing not to change my behaviour to suit someone, - asking about their side, what are the reasons for their request/discomfort - remembering to check if they're feeling similar issues So far it's all good, but early days.
My ex was not abusive but he put his interests above me. I didn't get in the way of him and I never told him not to pursue his goals or made him stop to spend time with me but it didn't feel like I was a priority. To him, spending $400+ on shop equipment was no huge deal but he felt like doing something special for me on my own birthday was a burden for him. I believe that his trauma from family and ex's telling him not to do something or not letting him have time to himself caused him to believe that he had to be selfish to do what he wanted. I always treated him nicely and supported him but I didn't feel like I got the same level of support or appreciation back.
Incapacity for reciprocity isn’t necessarily abuse, but it is neglect. The cycle of being with someone who neglects is draining and can destroy self-confidence. Your pain is valid.
If you happen to see this, I am so proud of you and everything you did for your relationship. You are showing a lot of strength, commitment and love to your partner. I am saddened to hear that she is still stuck in her trauma mindset and is not able to reciprocate at this point. I am not going to say the "You deserve someone better" cliche - I just hope you manage to take care of yourself during those trying times and enforce your boundaries. Your thoughts and feelings are valid and your date's actions wouldn't be okay/accepted by pretty much anyone. Stay safe & loved!
The man should not have to grow his hair long for her. If the man wants to grow his hair long, fine but not be obligated to. The woman is not owning her triggers.
Your videos have been life changing for me. I grew up neglected and in a very violent home. I left that home a long time ago and built a new life for myself, but I have always struggled to leave my painful childhood behind - sometimes I think I purposely hold onto it, like it has been my only constant companion in life. I have never formed any human connections, friends or family. I want to wave my childhood goodbye and discover who I am or should be but I feel like sometimes I cling onto the pain because it is the only thing that defines me. How do I let go?
Its hard...I wake up with it everyday, it's a part of me. I been in therapy for years and I still wake up everyday in mental pain.😢...I try to take one day at a time and keep your distance from people that have false intentions.
@@EricaManley-v8i Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, Self-care is how you take your power back. Love you very much❤️
If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy
Oh dear. That is not a "father figure" it comes across like a secret affair - and, David, you may have a bit of trauma from being cheated on but having a boundary around this is absolutely appropriate. I do not think marriage to her would be good for you. It sounds like you are doing all the "changing" and accomodating for her bad behavior that *she* needs to do the work on. Not you. *"Fixing"* yourself will not fix her issues. There is no excuse for this sneaky-like behavior. As Anna said it "I have trauma and I don't do that." Hugs and love sent your way and her way. She sounds like she needs love too. But it would be best (I think) to put a hold on marriage here. ❤
This sounds like my ex with BPD. Lots of trauma from her past that she never fully healed from. She also kept a guy "friend" around that she swore up and down they never had anything together. If cojrse thag was a lie and they had slept together but she choose to lie to me about. Even after finding out about it, I expressed how the lie made me feel that she would choose to be "close friends" with someone she used to sleep with and lie to me about. Of course she chose to keep him around even after seeing how much it hurt me learning this info. I stayed because i didnt have enough self respect. No surprise at the end when we hit a rough patch (after she was begging me to get married while i pushed back that i needed to see her get some help for for mental state first) that he was the "shoulder to cry on". Could have been a physical affair, but at the very least no doubt an emotional affair. Always trust your gut and have self respect. It sucked really badly, but it also taught me a lot. Avoid these women, they just suck your soul dry
7:52 she’s not ready to get married, no absolutely not, and especially not if she thinks she is suddenly one day. Take this as a blessing and get out. Stop thinking about your sunk cost of time, money and energy. Start looking at it about how screwed you are going to be when she grinds you into dust as the inevitable end of your relationship and now you’ve sunk a decade or two into it and half of everything you own, and any kids you might have, gone
All of these videos are things two young women in my life I very much care about, (my stepdaughter and her friend, both in their mid 30s), should be heeding and NEVER, EVER will. It's depressing.
Dear Fairy, Is it possible to also read letters from people who are healing and really trying to have a better life? I feel we are under represented in the letters you choose. When you read those letters, the red flags are now so obvious to me! 😅 I would love to see you read letters from people who are consciouly trying to do the right things. You know, we still have challenges and insecurities 😉 Thanx in advance ❤
If you're in a relationship and thinking about marriage, then listen carefully to the following. Marriage will not fix any of the problems that are currently occurring in your relationship. Look very carefully at your relationship. Are there things that are not good about it? Believe it, those things will continue to be a problem once you are married. Moreover, once you are married, people tend to relax a little and stop being on their best behaviour, so any problems can get worse. A marriage should be a celebration of a relationship where you are both committed to supporting each other and working to eliminate problems between you - it isn't something that will *create* a relationship where you are both committed to supporting each other and working to eliminate problems between you. Get trust first, and I mean trust based on a significant amount of evidence, that the other person is going to be on your side. Once you have that trust that the two of you can handle anything life throws at you, *then* get married, and then continue to grow in love and strength together. If you can't achieve that level of trust, don't get married. Believe me, if you do get married and discover a few years later that it really isn't going to work out, it is hell sorting it all out.
I respectively disagree with Anna on this one. I've been in very similar situations. This girl is riddled with red flags, and unfortunately, I think this kind of situation can only lead to a lot of heart break. RUN
If she is not to get the help she needs,IMO he is wasting his time... As the old saying goes" You cam lead a horse to water,but you cannot make him or her drink.."..
She doesn't want more therapy as it's holding her accountable....... She doesn't want to hear how wrong she is.... When her Mother and friends are on your side.... Run brother, run....
David, she’s just not into you the way you’re into her. Leave now because it’s only going to go downhill if you marry her. She’ll definitely cheat on you down the line. Stop being a doormat.
This woman is also weaponizing her trauma against the writer to avoid basic responsibility and problem solving in the relationship, “you have a boundary? You remind me of my father!” It seems odd to us who are doing so much work to heal but there are those who simply are not interested in healing and making better choices.
She is emotionally unavailable. Ironically enough she will be physically available for plenty of guys over the years. You can't fix her and you cannot force her to heal herself. The more you push the farther she will pull away. And if you pull away she will take that as a cue to leave or cheat.
@@lilithowl Emotionally, she is like a skipping stone. Popping from one to the next without ever getting too deep. Skipping stones must keep moving too. In the letter she is clearly trying to keep her options open with the married guy she was with earlier, or just so pathologically lonely she will cuddle up with anyone that gives her attention.
Mattenl,I spent 34 years with someone that had similar issues. I knew she had issues. I seen her parents abuse her. She was a great woman bit I made her excuses as you are now. She is spot on. Most things can be improved and worked out but both has to be 100% committed to thier 50% of the relationship. I gave up my power by making excuses for my ex. That dont help. She is or is not. Simply as that. Id run.
6:05 “ because her father made her listen to him.” My man, are you hearing yourself? Who should a child listen to if not, their father? Probably both the father and mother, but seriously? When you are a father, do you plan to let your children just be the parent of you? Like what are we talking about here? She resents you because you have once and needs and boundaries of your own and you don’t wanna put up with crap behavior? She sounds like a very entitled individual who was not kept to task. Unfortunately, a lot of the time when mom and dad get separated and divorced, Mom will try to win and so she probably was already, but especially will continue to smother her children and alienate them from Dad. So Dad probably wasn’t ever able to put his foot down and be a source of authority and wasn’t able to teach this person how to be a respectful, well-behaved person, so now they are a full-blown adult acting out as a child that looks at everybody else, as if they are supposed to be adults while they just want when it comes to the interpersonal. Just because people have a job, that doesn’t mean that they are a full-blown adult
Hold on, she cheated? And you didn't leave her? 4:45 so she's depressed she does have her married boyfriend. This is toxic. You want a woman like her, but she doesn't want you! Women who want a man do NOT cheat on the man.
Oh my friend you deserve so much better I have terrible trauma but never cheated none of my partners, neither my current sounds like she is doing stonewalling and silent treatment to punish you for stepping up and setting your boundaries, seems like she is doing it to either make you break up and be the bad guy or to get you to accept her disrespect.
David needs to see it for what it is, not for what he wishes it to be. That hurts, but spending your precious time hoping for change, that may never come, does too... Never did I really hear that she wanted to be in a relationship with him. Hope I don't sound harsh, but apart from accepting the engagement and going to couples therapy, I just heard very little.
Avoidant. Likely BPD. Run. Just run. It will never change. The more accountability you take the less she will. In fact she’ll feel shame and take it out on you. It’s a no win. You’re trauma bonded cause she sexed you up when you were vulnerable. Been there man
Daniel I am with you on this, same thing happened to me like yourself, BPD and high narcissistic traits, sex me up when I came out of long term marriage and she recently divorced after 8 month of marriage etc and yes no accountablity at all, also very flirtatious with others and keeping phone so secretive etc deleteting messages as soon as she used to receives them I had enough at the end and had to let her go, probably trauma bonded or love whatever it is but feelings still there but I can never trust her again.
This relationship is a nightmare. It needs to end. It doesn’t matter that she has a great job, etc., you are doing all the work. She’s still into the other guy and is using this guy for emotional stability. Time to move on.
I married a woman with a very similar back story to this and it recently ended in a terrible divorce. She had an affair with some guy, the lawyers wiped out my savings, we had to sell the house all for some new guy with a little more money and a lot less personality. Apparently she’s still an unhappy person even in her new marriage. Point is run from this woman. Any woman with trauma issues around her father is going to ruin your life, period.
Buddy, if you feel the need to write a letter about your relationship, then it's not what you think it is. You aren't where you think you are. In fact, you're in a place of potential danger. Subconsciously, you already know this. Getting into these situations is always easy. Getting yourself out without being skinned alive is the tough part. Especially since you've already let her move in. 💀 She can change the locks while you're at work and get a court order barring you from the property, pending a hearing, then trash the house and steal or sell all your stuff. So, don't trigger her. Tell her you need some time alone to prepare for marriage and process your feelings. Help her move. Send her change of address to the post office. Be as nice and helpful as possible. Your hubris of thinking you can fix her is going to be your downfall. YOU CAN'T.
Setting with an ex?? Hiding the fact?? That would be a clear dralbreaker for me, Anna is way too soft here, imho. This guy is cheated on and fooling himself.
She’ll never truly connect with you David, she’s fully attracted to the married guy. You’re only in the picture because a very small part of her knows she can’t truly be with him. Run.
You can't change another person to suit you. They can only change for themselves. You liked her as she was but she became unhappy with what you want to change. It's better to accept or walk away.
3:58 This guy has lack of boundaries. I’ve been there, done that. First sign she had feelings for another man, just leave. Don’t argue, don’t beg, don’t explain. If she can’t see the issue don’t make them choose. Say you don’t think this will work out and leave. She doesn’t have morals and she’s doesn’t comprehend boundaries.
Yes it is true in some way....i am a trauma bond and my partner is a trauma bond....i have anxious attachment, and my husband is avoidant attachment ... if you decide to read about your trauma implement it...work on it....and both partners do it it works....we have been together 17 years,and i would not say that there are no problems, but we are working through them,always look at ,yourself first....❤
And also you shoud never say he/she doesnt do that, he/she does that yada yada....look at yourself first and foremost...it is egotistical to accuse your partner....you heal yourself...and then everything else comes in place....
It also helps to find children... or they find you as happens with me who have the same trauma bond as you and try to help them.....and do aomething good with your experience....
I've one thing to say end it even if it hurts you, Trauma bonded or not, love or not, she doesn't respect you, you need mutual respect to keep growing. One word my friend Character of a person matters.
I had a gf that had no father and had all these random guy friends shed constantly keep up with while we were dating. I expressed my displeasure and she continued. Took me a while to realize she did not care about me the way I thought she did.
My girlfriend of a year and a half told me yesterday that she doesn't want to be selfless. Her trauma wounds are destroying the relationship. She also won't cook or clean and holds out on sex. I cook and clean and go out of my way to show her love in several different ways. I asked her after she (without talking to me about it) moved in if she could please help with the cooking and cleaning. She did the most half assed attempt at cleaning and then she got home at 2 and cooked up some of my steaks and ate them so i got home to a house smelling like cooked steaks and there was no food for me. I was pissed.
*I’m at **3:42** and I saved myself time.* If someone is willing to sleep with a married individual or help someone cheat on their significant other, then they’re a liability who can’t be trusted. I don’t care about their past trauma if they’re a person of that caliber at bare minimum.
A covert narcissist is unlikely to change. Don’t make the mistake so many people have made by trying to stick it out. It will just result in years lost. Sorry to have to say it, but it’s time to move on.
This sounds like a classic situation of a relatively secure healthy person having been drawn into a relationship with a covert narcissist. I'm so sorry to say this, as I know the word gets flung around as blame now in pop culture at the moment, but in this case I think it's really important that a spade is called a spade. This poor man could spend his life being sucked in justifying every little complex thing of hers and get totally sucked into each and every one of her stories and games and totally lose touch with himself.. because most humans have kindness and prefer to see the best in everyone and give people endless chances. This IS a very healthy instinct with someone else who is healthy with the usual amount of human flaws. But this person doesn't sound like they are capable of responding to the usual amount of kindness or reciprocity, that makes a marriage, because I don't think she has the self awareness and self responsibility to be in a healthy reciprocal journey with someone. Honestly every single scenario screams that she has had a personality injury to the extent that she might never be able to function normally. I'm sorry to say this, because I know on this Chanel we have hope, but the thing is with narcissistic people, they are actually irreversibly damaged in the structure of their personalities, so it would take a lifetime of commitment, like an alcoholic to function usually needs to be fully and totally committed to daily practice of recovery, as in, regular therapy, consistent support groups, an hour or two a day of personal accountability practice, and the daily things of health like exercise and good food that cause stability in someones physical biology that affect mood. And first and foremost she would have to recognise that she's the problem. What she has done is manipulated him into trauma bonding with her. There is a lot of information about this by credible, university trained and qualified academics and therapists, and it's really important he understands how this type of emotional abuse works. It will only get worse if he marries her. She has laid the foundation of gaslighting him, set up a framework, to distort everything good, to bind him to her, through manipulating his natural good intentions, and it's quite a process to break free. Please, call a spade a spade. It's so important he knows he's not stuck with this, that the excitement is the trauma bond not true love. I strongly strongly recommend this guy looks up Dr Ramani s work on this, she also has a TH-cam channel, and describes all the little ways good people get sucked into every single loop hole of a narcissist world. It's sad but true, I agree with Anna, this is the time to take a step back from being engaged. It's ok to break off engagements. That's the time where you seriously look at the intention of being together and if it's seriously realistically compatible. This is the rest of your life your talking about. Take that seriously. I made this mistake and have lost the chance to have a family because of the time wasted with someone who ultimately was damaged to the core and couldn't be suitable and I regret it every day. They exploited all my good intentions and good grace. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. This guy sounds like a good man. There are good women in the world who would be a suitable partner, and he doesnt need to feel guilty for letting go of someone exciting but ultimately unhealthy for him. Narcs have a way of flattering, justifying, excusing, and keeping you relentlessly in their talons. It's not worth it. There is no good outcome possible with a narcissist. Sending this man lots of love and care, there is a whole wide world out there, please cast your net wider to find someone safe who can truly love you and be at peace ❤
Also, it's inevitable having trust issues after being betrayed in a previous partnership. It's not a personal flaw, having hurt feelings, and needing reliable boundaries after an experience like that. I don't want to see this young man internalise his girlfriends blame, and projection, that anything to do with this is just "his issues". That's deflection. That's not loving or respectful. Every relationship needs protecting. Even polyamourous relationships have agreements and limits. There is no excuse for minimising a person's hurts, being unwilling to work around them, or creatively find solutions that work for both parties. That's just not team work. Marriage is a team work situation.
This poor man has lost himself chasing an idea thst isn't reality. Dude needs to learn to be happy being alone. Then he can find someone who is good for him. This woman is a nightmare.
There are two sides to every story. To be frank, he sounds rather controlling. My eyebrows were raised when he tried to cut her off from her mentor. The sex detail seems rather irrelevant, this person was evidently quite important to her, an inspiration and guide in her past, someone who actually meant something to her, whom she regarded as her only positive family ("father-figure"). His attempt to get him cut him off so quickly is disrespectful of who she is, and what is important to her. It doesn't sound like he is jealous of sexual competition, but competition for control of her, by isolating her from her only "family". His self-righteousness ("therapist agree with me", "her family agrees with me") is off-putting. Seems like he is marshalling resources to make her appear crazy. He cuts her off, tells her what to do and lectures her like a child. He proclaims innocence to snooping, but he doth protest too much. Frankly, David sounds a little scary. He seems be trying to hurry things along, to set her up as a dutiful little wife and force her into things she doesn't want to do. It is natural to rebel. He doesn't seem to take her recalcitrance or objections seriously, dismissing them as trauma-related and unreasonable. She should run. Definitely doesn't want to get married, and definitely should not. David is not good for her.
0:47 not only are you putting yourself in a crap situation, you’re enabling them to be the worst of themselves at your, and your circles expense. When you’re dealing with an adult who acts like a child, you kind of need to approach it as such. And I’m not saying be condescending, but just see it for what it is. Or you can just keep on infantilizing and adult human being and saying that they don’t have any any agency or have the ability to be accountable, and you and everybody that comes into contact with you can pay the price.
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She is NOT a great person, don’t delude yourself. You are trauma bonded to her. A good person would not actively deceive you, maintaining a relationship with someone behind your back
She might not be a “good person”
And funny enough he’s with her. So what would that say about the other player in the game?
Yes he obviously seems to be self aware. He seems to be working on his issues. He seems to desire a better and healthier relationship. Yet here he is with her. So if she’s a piece of work, he has his issues just the same
Far too many people get caught up thinking there’s the “good” person and the “bad person@. When in reality these relationships contain two damaged and wounded people who BOTH need to work on Themselves if they ever want a healthy relationship. It’s minimizing the other player and turning them into a “victim role” which is far from the truth. Codependency comes with blaming. Shaming. Control. Anger. Threats. Which isn’t any healthier. Ask me how I know ( I was as codependent as they came ) and when we drop the mask of focusing on the other then there is room to improve ourselves.
Yet any codependency trap. Let’s talk about everyone else then the man who is the one trying to get help. It’s pointless to focus on her. This is about HIM. HIS needs. HIS wants. HIS rights. HIS expectations. HIS boundaries. How does this even have anything to do with her?
@@KittyQueenMeow oh I just love me some trauma bonding….my favorite 😍 😍 😍
@ssing7113 I agree that all the focus on one person as the bad one can be problematic. I think you make some good points. Yet the female described in this video as described shows literally no empathy. She's totally self-absorbed and carries on an ongoing relationship with a married man outside the relationship. No empathy for her current partner, no concern for the impact on the other family. She's a toxic soup delivered daily. I think acknowledging that truth is a baseline to start from in him looking at himself. She is a flaming narcissist and everyone is fuel.
So this is one of the problems with diving into a sexual relationship at the start. The sexual bonding overshadows and hides the massive character issues that would have been much more readily visible. That's worth mentioning. But listening to all his rationalization for her behaviors is painful. To your point, what does it say that he subjects himself to this? He obviously doesn't see how unhealthy the relationship is and that's a serious red flag.
What did you find most helpful in dealing with your codependent tendencies?
I would argue, she isn’t a bad person . Just a hurt person . granting her grace and mercy
How many times do we do that? Grant mercy and grace@@avig8334
Did anyone else hear the sirens going off in their heads when David talked about his fiancée getting angry at him for various reasons, calling him a stalker when he expressed concerns about her breaking his reasonable boundaries?
David, my man....RUN. Run away and never look back.
Run. Run as far away as you can. Do not marry this woman. Save yourself
A bit like the sirens in the bombing of London. Im suspecting a covert narcisist
They wont be better. The only thing better is yourself.
@@janeyrevanescence12 yes. Air raid sirens
I heard the sirens going off after 1 minute already and after 3 minutes I had heard enough and stopped the video. These two characters are both abnormal.
"nice guy" in denial
Very much so...😂. Very sad
This is the problem with empathy. Those of us with it must guard ourselves intently. If we don't we'll give our souls away to someone who doesn't deserve it - in the slightest. Run, Forrest, run.
So true, so fd up. It's hard not to sympathize and want to be your true empathetic self. I, too, have learned that empathy is a danger to people like us. I, too, have had to harden myself and be a version of myself I don't like being. As you said, though, people target the empathetic.
Having the ability to feel when someone is experiencing a strong emotion does not require you to give your soul away or even do anything about it after you understand the situation. It’s your choice, whether to do anything about it or even to take the time to begin with to understand their situation.
@@PersonalNotPrivate-rl8dv True. However, this lesson is a very painful one to learn in a relationship with someone you love. I made it to the ripe age of 40 before getting crossed up with someone that made me realize that I need to put some solid walls up around my empathetic nature. It is a match made in hell, but unfortunately not very uncommon.
Better no relationship than a bad one...
I've been single now for 2 and 1/2 years and I've never been happier. The first year was pretty rough after my narcissist died of brain cancer. As you can probably imagine because now I was alone with no idea of who I was. I'm still trying to figure out what I like.
I believe the letter writer needs to work on his relationship with himself first and foremost
@@noirhorror197yeah, the first some years single look great. Then you are getting more and more unhappy.
I have trauma from my past, but I don’t abuse people. I’m not emotionally stable as I have cptsd & ptsd. I’m in therapy & working towards regulation & healthy thinking. Her behavior is not healthy or ok. Please leave her. She’s not healthy enough right now for marriage, let alone raising children. I don’t hate her, but you justifying her bad behavior isn’t going to help her or you. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
I know what you mean but when you are in a relationship and you get stressed for whatever reason the past traumas can transform into abusive behavior whether you like it or not. In relationships you get to know yourself. Relationships heal but they also reveal conflicts from within.
@@chocolatecookie8571 I understand that. I’m married & my husband & I have had many conversations about my behavior. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. But I’m working on it & not blaming it on him, my kids, or my past. She doesn’t seem to be working on it & also seems to be doing a lot of projecting. As I said I don’t hate her. But he’s not in a good place by justifying her behavior nor is she by cheating on him while accusing him of cheating on her. Neither is ready for marriage & God forbid they bring children into this mess. They both have a lot of work to do. Him with boundaries & respecting himself & her with the abusive behavior & refusing to take accountability for her actions.
I don't abuse people either what I'm trying to figure out is I'm trying to control the other person or am I setting healthy boundaries for myself which is the right thing to do
@@aprilsmith4885 controlling someone is wrong
I hope you reply to this but im confused abt my relationship and wheither i should stay with my girlfriend or not....because she recently had told me that she would choose someone she denied 4 years ago....and when I asked her if they ever would come back for her would she choose them and she said yes. She once said hurtful things to see how would I react to it because she believes I'm hiding myself, we talked abt it and stuff. Then after sometime I'd jokingly bring it up like " you better not do that again or I'll turn into a dinosaur" she said "I can't make promises" and that hit me..she's insensitive sometimes or I'm sensitive..she'd tell me that I'm annoying but it seems like it's not serious. So I ignore it. I feel sometimes when I feel close to her emotionally it gets ruined...she brings up something that hurts this closeness I feel...I sometimes I feel like universe doesn't want me to be close to her because something happens that makes me feel further away from her always, I noticed. She had bad caregivers who treated her like a maid she's a very cautious and awake she'd tell me abt her old self and stuff being untrusting cuz of past betrayals...she'd tell me she'd dream abt these caregivers and it would make her feel uneasy. Idk man idk, what to do hope you help me with that.
Pretty horrible how she says she finds you scary, that’s the potential sign of someone who is abusive and will do something to cause you to react then call the cops or tell people you are abusive.
You just described my current situation
When he said she was friends with the guy because "CPTSD people choose emotionally unavailable people" it made me 🤔 he is the one chasing after an emotionally unavailable person.
Exactly. That leapt out at me, too! I don't believe the letter writer had such a wonderful childhood. It sounds like he's dealing with some form of PTSD and is also anxiously attached and/or codependent. I feel like he needs to get out of this relationship pronto and into working on healing himself
Awesome person doesn't always make a great partner. I've met so many really great intelligent people in my life, but most of them were emotionally unavailable. It was always a pain to get through to them. And I am glad that I just let them be. They're good to hang out with, to chat, to be friends, but that's about it. I am heavily traumatized person myself, but the healing process helped me see other kind of people - those who can actually be good partners. They usually seem to be pretty boring and predictable from the outside. But that was just my trauma talking. Trauma demands excitement and extraordinary. A truly healed and healthy person wishes for true connection, warmth and stability.
I agree!!
Agreed 👌
Zero chance the other guy's wife knows she is still around. No wife on the planet would tolerate a former mistress remaining "friends" with their spouse. Absolutely none.
Hell no they wouldn’t!
You need to get out more. Meet different people from all over
You must not be familiar with rich husbands.
@@elibarbq I didn't take it he was wealthy. The wife of someone rich isn't tolerating a "friend" she is tolerating an active side relationship with the mistress.
Horny Warbucks isn't going to stay friends with the side piece, he will find another when he gets tired of her.
Omg just go man! She is making you go through emotional hell. You are a good man and deserve someone who truly loves you❤
Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, Self-care is how you take your power back.
Love you very much❤️
This, from a woman who rejects a hundred men a month. The only one that you need is yourself, everyone else is a disappointment.
@@prant8998 yes you are correct .
I had trauma and I know the difference between right and wrong. She basically doesn’t love you. She wants the older guy but you’re her status quo guy to keep until she can find someone else similar to that older man.
The sooner he breaks it off, the sooner he can pursue true love. She's already showed you who she is. It won't magically improve.
Sounds like David is trying to make it into something it's not. All I kept thinking throughout the reading was "leave her alone". For his sake, as well as hers. Just because someone is a "good person" doesn't mean they are a good fit for you, or relationship material in general.
Don't get married, run, and don't look back! Find someone who doesn't have other guys on the side and who doesn't treat you like garbage, no matter what the reason is. She either is or is going to cheat on you and doesn't think that it's a problem.
I can relate to being a doormat like he is... And this is why I choose my Model Car Building hobby over having a relationship...
You should try motorcycles too. They are a different challenge.
@@sburns2421 maybe someday.. you never know..
@@sburns2421 or miniatures u need robotics to do, and then graduate to getting EE degree and build microchips
The female needs to stop dating and actually heal. It's not other people's duty to tiptoe around our triggers. And by giving one a lot of time to understand so then they can explore the triggers and then they won't be as bad later on.
For the person writing this letter it doesn't matter what you do or don't do an unhealed person will find a problem with everything. Definitely recommend taking a step back and then asking yourself what in you might needs to be healed due to letting so many things that disrespect you come up.
Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.
Love you very much❤️
“It is not other people’s duty to tiptoe around our triggers” I love this! I often struggle with being easily offended/sensitive and I really need to work on this!
@@manderly109let you inner light show you the way.
You will constantly be in a loop where you’ll never be good enough.
They will “move the goalpost” on everything.
Now I keep hearing about we need healing because we’re putting up with the disrespect.
Can the case not be that we may be somewhat naive or giving that person a few chances?
I don’t want to disregard a good person for a few flaws that shows up early. In my case the serious flaws showed up 1-2 years later.
How to filter fast? Too much red flag detection can cloud the green flags.
But she needs free things, someone to use, a place to stay for her and her kid(s), and zero accountability for the mess that is her life. Oh wow. She has pretty eyes tho.
David, I am a lady but had the same problem of trying to make a mean person into a good person because I loved him. Please dont waste years like I did.
Major red flags! Run buddy.
12:33 "She is not going to change because it hurts you"...or something that hurts you..."and this is not someone to marry."
Thank you.
The last person I was seeing...we have known each other for years and made okay friends, but something occurred when we got involved that showed me this very thing, and I ended it straight away. It may be that I could have done so more gracefully, yet I had to process to get here, as it brought up a lot. From the outside looking in, and my old self, can beat beat me up saying it is fear of commitment or what-have-you. But bottom line, while she was expressing several demands of me, she was doing this that hurt me and refused to look at it or own it at all. Actually, she deemed it good. And that simply was not going to work for me. I deserve better than that.
Also, she was rushing, wanting to say we were in a relationship when I was in the wanting to date and get to know more personally and evaluate phase, and she was already talking marriage just a few weeks in. Big, big flags for me.
Awesome person does not mean awesome mate match.
Run dude.. she isnt into you as much as you want.. thats my thought. IF you stick around your life will become a nightmare, more so.
She is taking him for granted, as she sussed him out being too in love, or maybe desperate (sorry, not wanting to hurt, but this could be a reason why he's not able to let go). Any guy who is self-confident and emotionally fit would not stay. He is more like trying to justify all her mistakes so he can find a reason not to leave. I bet subconsciously he knows it's not going to work, but he might need to find out why he is putting up with all that.........
If they get married... I give the marriage about 6 months then a ugly divorce with permanent emotional and financial damage will occur..
IMO I would't even give her the time of day,let alone any type of friendship!!
obviously they cannot marry, that is insane
Counterpoint: trauma is not the excuse OR even explanation because some people, despite being hurt, turn out to be kind people who want to prevent others from hurting like that. And there are some Cluster B persons who actually had an easy life of being indulged as a child but a genetic predisposition for selfishness.
This is an insightful comment 🤔.
👍
Wholeheartedly agree. Trauma is never an excuse. My sister became a narcissist, not because she was abused, but because she was an indulged golden child. Meanwhile, as the scapegoat, I WAS both neglected and abused, yet I can't imagine hurting others as I was hurt. My suffering imparted greater empathy to me, not less, for the suffering of others.
This is completely incorrect and there are no “genetic predispositions to selfishness.” Please try not to share your half-baked opinions as authoritative fact.
@@Siquomb1no it’s not, it’s an ignorant and incorrect comment.
@@princesinha1680trauma is not an “excuse,” it’s a *reason.* There are nuances to the whole thing and why some hurt people go on to hurt others, and others don’t. Those who don’t have had a “helping witness” as a child or “enlightened witness” as an adult who shows them genuine love and understanding at least once in their life, so they even know such an experience exists. Some people never actually experience that and automatically fall into repeating what they experienced on others. Alice Miller writes about how this all works, there is a science to it.
Sounds like you hit the nail on the head, Anna
She’s very codependent and very emotionally codependent on this relationship with this married man. She is stuck in a fantasy illusion.
She is definitely not a safe person and she is definitely emotionally unavailable .
I would advise this man to set the boundary and leave the relationship if she was still carrying this relationship around.
I am so glad I trust myself now and I don’t question if I’m being controlling on boundary violations that I was not aware of for myself and how to stop revictimization myself because someone else was not there for me .
Beautiful beautiful thank you Anna .
Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.
Love you very much❤️
Agree with you.
Also, what's tricky for anyone, is distinguishing:
- are they being controlling/isolating me?
- or are they setting a sensible boundary?
And:
- am I changing my behaviour because they said it hurts them, or I realise they're sensitive about xyz?
- or am I people pleasing, because that's my training/mindset, and because I desperately want this relationship to work?
- or am I refusing to change because I'm selfish
- or refusing to change because I'm insecure and need to feel in control and not expected to 'submit'
So far, how I've handled this so far, is:
- communicating what I feel,
- explaining why I THINK, I'm doing what I want/choosing/choosing not to change my behaviour to suit someone,
- asking about their side, what are the reasons for their request/discomfort
- remembering to check if they're feeling similar issues
So far it's all good, but early days.
She doesn't sound "awesome."
My ex was not abusive but he put his interests above me. I didn't get in the way of him and I never told him not to pursue his goals or made him stop to spend time with me but it didn't feel like I was a priority. To him, spending $400+ on shop equipment was no huge deal but he felt like doing something special for me on my own birthday was a burden for him. I believe that his trauma from family and ex's telling him not to do something or not letting him have time to himself caused him to believe that he had to be selfish to do what he wanted. I always treated him nicely and supported him but I didn't feel like I got the same level of support or appreciation back.
Incapacity for reciprocity isn’t necessarily abuse, but it is neglect. The cycle of being with someone who neglects is draining and can destroy self-confidence. Your pain is valid.
@@user-kd3tt5lr6m Exactly how my wife has made me feel for 23 years.
@@user-kd3tt5lr6m yep, neglect or ignoring/dismissing can annhilate self confidence. Abso talk to a counselor though.
If you happen to see this, I am so proud of you and everything you did for your relationship. You are showing a lot of strength, commitment and love to your partner. I am saddened to hear that she is still stuck in her trauma mindset and is not able to reciprocate at this point.
I am not going to say the "You deserve someone better" cliche - I just hope you manage to take care of yourself during those trying times and enforce your boundaries. Your thoughts and feelings are valid and your date's actions wouldn't be okay/accepted by pretty much anyone. Stay safe & loved!
The man should not have to grow his hair long for her. If the man wants to grow his hair long, fine but not be obligated to. The woman is not owning her triggers.
Note to "David": GET OUT.
This is a great topic to talk about as there’s so much to it that makes it hard to figure out. Thanks, Anna, for talking about it.
BPD? Narcissist? Run. She will destroy you.
Definitely a Cluster B type of woman. He has no strings attached to her. It is a no brainer. He must walk away
First one.
Yeah...no. It is not ok. Not all of the crappy childhood ppl are going to be crappy to others.
That sounds like too much work to me
I think he needs to let this one go. Here's a quote I live by: “Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together” - Marilyn Monroe
Your videos have been life changing for me. I grew up neglected and in a very violent home.
I left that home a long time ago and built a new life for myself, but I have always struggled to leave my painful childhood behind - sometimes I think I purposely hold onto it, like it has been my only constant companion in life. I have never formed any human connections, friends or family. I want to wave my childhood goodbye and discover who I am or should be but I feel like sometimes I cling onto the pain because it is the only thing that defines me. How do I let go?
Its hard...I wake up with it everyday, it's a part of me. I been in therapy for years and I still wake up everyday in mental pain.😢...I try to take one day at a time and keep your distance from people that have false intentions.
If you haven't tried The Daily Practice, it can help clear your thoughts, so you can find space for yourself. (Link above in Description).
@@EricaManley-v8i Greetings from Mr Axel Vasa the west coast wizard himself, I got something essential to share with you, Self-care is how you take your power back.
Love you very much❤️
If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Calista@TeamFairy
Oh dear. That is not a "father figure" it comes across like a secret affair - and, David, you may have a bit of trauma from being cheated on but having a boundary around this is absolutely appropriate. I do not think marriage to her would be good for you. It sounds like you are doing all the "changing" and accomodating for her bad behavior that *she* needs to do the work on. Not you. *"Fixing"* yourself will not fix her issues. There is no excuse for this sneaky-like behavior. As Anna said it "I have trauma and I don't do that." Hugs and love sent your way and her way. She sounds like she needs love too. But it would be best (I think) to put a hold on marriage here. ❤
This sounds like my ex with BPD. Lots of trauma from her past that she never fully healed from. She also kept a guy "friend" around that she swore up and down they never had anything together. If cojrse thag was a lie and they had slept together but she choose to lie to me about. Even after finding out about it, I expressed how the lie made me feel that she would choose to be "close friends" with someone she used to sleep with and lie to me about. Of course she chose to keep him around even after seeing how much it hurt me learning this info. I stayed because i didnt have enough self respect. No surprise at the end when we hit a rough patch (after she was begging me to get married while i pushed back that i needed to see her get some help for for mental state first) that he was the "shoulder to cry on". Could have been a physical affair, but at the very least no doubt an emotional affair. Always trust your gut and have self respect. It sucked really badly, but it also taught me a lot. Avoid these women, they just suck your soul dry
Where there is trauma, there will be drama. I am gone
“The boundary is you leave”. Bingo
She don't feel safe with just one man so she has diverse portfolio for every need plus some redundancies.
haha, well said
Backup. Very insecure
@@joesoap8125 Women are insecure by nature, they are dependent on protection by others.
Been there, done that... RUN!
7:52 she’s not ready to get married, no absolutely not, and especially not if she thinks she is suddenly one day.
Take this as a blessing and get out. Stop thinking about your sunk cost of time, money and energy.
Start looking at it about how screwed you are going to be when she grinds you into dust as the inevitable end of your relationship and now you’ve sunk a decade or two into it and half of everything you own, and any kids you might have, gone
All of these videos are things two young women in my life I very much care about, (my stepdaughter and her friend, both in their mid 30s), should be heeding and NEVER, EVER will. It's depressing.
Some people are damaged and they are not worth investing your time in. I had a problem in my past thinking I could save people. It did me no favors
Dear Fairy,
Is it possible to also read letters from people who are healing and really trying to have a better life?
I feel we are under represented in the letters you choose.
When you read those letters, the red flags are now so obvious to me! 😅
I would love to see you read letters from people who are consciouly trying to do the right things. You know, we still have challenges and insecurities 😉
Thanx in advance ❤
Reminds me of my first girlfriend. Nobody thinks they're gonna get abused until you meet an abuser.
If you're in a relationship and thinking about marriage, then listen carefully to the following. Marriage will not fix any of the problems that are currently occurring in your relationship. Look very carefully at your relationship. Are there things that are not good about it? Believe it, those things will continue to be a problem once you are married. Moreover, once you are married, people tend to relax a little and stop being on their best behaviour, so any problems can get worse. A marriage should be a celebration of a relationship where you are both committed to supporting each other and working to eliminate problems between you - it isn't something that will *create* a relationship where you are both committed to supporting each other and working to eliminate problems between you. Get trust first, and I mean trust based on a significant amount of evidence, that the other person is going to be on your side. Once you have that trust that the two of you can handle anything life throws at you, *then* get married, and then continue to grow in love and strength together. If you can't achieve that level of trust, don't get married. Believe me, if you do get married and discover a few years later that it really isn't going to work out, it is hell sorting it all out.
No, just no David…..break up , heal…..you deserve happiness 💯
I respectively disagree with Anna on this one. I've been in very similar situations. This girl is riddled with red flags, and unfortunately, I think this kind of situation can only lead to a lot of heart break. RUN
If she is not to get the help she needs,IMO he is wasting his time... As the old saying goes" You cam lead a horse to water,but you cannot make him or her drink.."..
RUN DAVID, RUUUNNNN!!!! 🏃💨
I don't believe she is all that great IMHO...
She's totally insufferable, you mean!
She doesn't want more therapy as it's holding her accountable....... She doesn't want to hear how wrong she is.... When her Mother and friends are on your side.... Run brother, run....
David, she’s just not into you the way you’re into her. Leave now because it’s only going to go downhill if you marry her. She’ll definitely cheat on you down the line. Stop being a doormat.
RUN!!!!!!!! NEVER GO TOGETHER WITH HER!!!
This woman is also weaponizing her trauma against the writer to avoid basic responsibility and problem solving in the relationship, “you have a boundary? You remind me of my father!” It seems odd to us who are doing so much work to heal but there are those who simply are not interested in healing and making better choices.
She’s not a bad person, she’s avoidant because of her childhood, very different. That said, only she can heal the wounds, it is not your cross to bare
She is emotionally unavailable. Ironically enough she will be physically available for plenty of guys over the years. You can't fix her and you cannot force her to heal herself. The more you push the farther she will pull away. And if you pull away she will take that as a cue to leave or cheat.
Very unfair comment, stating she will be physically available for plenty of guys.
@@lilithowl Emotionally, she is like a skipping stone. Popping from one to the next without ever getting too deep. Skipping stones must keep moving too.
In the letter she is clearly trying to keep her options open with the married guy she was with earlier, or just so pathologically lonely she will cuddle up with anyone that gives her attention.
True but not physically available for him most likely
@@lilithowl life is unfair. This is the reality for some.
David will be transformed after this one 💪💪 for the better.
Mattenl,I spent 34 years with someone that had similar issues. I knew she had issues. I seen her parents abuse her. She was a great woman bit I made her excuses as you are now. She is spot on. Most things can be improved and worked out but both has to be 100% committed to thier 50% of the relationship. I gave up my power by making excuses for my ex. That dont help. She is or is not. Simply as that. Id run.
6:05 “ because her father made her listen to him.”
My man, are you hearing yourself? Who should a child listen to if not, their father? Probably both the father and mother, but seriously?
When you are a father, do you plan to let your children just be the parent of you? Like what are we talking about here? She resents you because you have once and needs and boundaries of your own and you don’t wanna put up with crap behavior?
She sounds like a very entitled individual who was not kept to task.
Unfortunately, a lot of the time when mom and dad get separated and divorced, Mom will try to win and so she probably was already, but especially will continue to smother her children and alienate them from Dad. So Dad probably wasn’t ever able to put his foot down and be a source of authority and wasn’t able to teach this person how to be a respectful, well-behaved person, so now they are a full-blown adult acting out as a child that looks at everybody else, as if they are supposed to be adults while they just want when it comes to the interpersonal.
Just because people have a job, that doesn’t mean that they are a full-blown adult
Hold on, she cheated? And you didn't leave her?
4:45 so she's depressed she does have her married boyfriend.
This is toxic. You want a woman like her, but she doesn't want you! Women who want a man do NOT cheat on the man.
Someones ether going to respect you or not. “It is better to live on a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman” proverbs 21:9
Or a contentious man..
again ı think she is still in love with the other guy.
He’s wasting his time with her. Don’t put your time, energy and effort into a one sided relationship.
Run for your life.
Definitely BPD not C-PTSD...he needs to leave ASAP.
This is what I was shouting in my head! Was there a month ago, he should just get out.
could have both. but yes definitely more than just cptsd. also just a bad mean and immoral person
Give this guy the book “No more Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. He should not walk - run from this awful person.
Oh my friend you deserve so much better I have terrible trauma but never cheated none of my partners, neither my current sounds like she is doing stonewalling and silent treatment to punish you for stepping up and setting your boundaries, seems like she is doing it to either make you break up and be the bad guy or to get you to accept her disrespect.
David needs to see it for what it is, not for what he wishes it to be. That hurts, but spending your precious time hoping for change, that may never come, does too... Never did I really hear that she wanted to be in a relationship with him. Hope I don't sound harsh, but apart from accepting the engagement and going to couples therapy, I just heard very little.
Avoidant. Likely BPD. Run. Just run. It will never change. The more accountability you take the less she will. In fact she’ll feel shame and take it out on you. It’s a no win. You’re trauma bonded cause she sexed you up when you were vulnerable. Been there man
Daniel I am with you on this, same thing happened to me like yourself, BPD and high narcissistic traits, sex me up when I came out of long term marriage and she recently divorced after 8 month of marriage etc and yes no accountablity at all, also very flirtatious with others and keeping phone so secretive etc deleteting messages as soon as she used to receives them I had enough at the end and had to let her go, probably trauma bonded or love whatever it is but feelings still there but I can never trust her again.
SIMPAGE WILL BE A MANS' END
That woman is still cheating. Don’t just pause the wedding. Leave!!!
This relationship is a nightmare. It needs to end. It doesn’t matter that she has a great job, etc., you are doing all the work. She’s still into the other guy and is using this guy for emotional stability. Time to move on.
I married a woman with a very similar back story to this and it recently ended in a terrible divorce. She had an affair with some guy, the lawyers wiped out my savings, we had to sell the house all for some new guy with a little more money and a lot less personality. Apparently she’s still an unhappy person even in her new marriage. Point is run from this woman. Any woman with trauma issues around her father is going to ruin your life, period.
Buddy, if you feel the need to write a letter about your relationship, then it's not what you think it is.
You aren't where you think you are. In fact, you're in a place of potential danger. Subconsciously, you already know this.
Getting into these situations is always easy. Getting yourself out without being skinned alive is the tough part.
Especially since you've already let her move in. 💀
She can change the locks while you're at work and get a court order barring you from the property, pending a hearing, then trash the house and steal or sell all your stuff. So, don't trigger her.
Tell her you need some time alone to prepare for marriage and process your feelings. Help her move. Send her change of address to the post office. Be as nice and helpful as possible.
Your hubris of thinking you can fix her is going to be your downfall.
YOU CAN'T.
Setting with an ex??
Hiding the fact??
That would be a clear dralbreaker for me, Anna is way too soft here, imho.
This guy is cheated on and fooling himself.
This is crazy because the story she read described my girlfriends past exactly.
She’ll never truly connect with you David, she’s fully attracted to the married guy. You’re only in the picture because a very small part of her knows she can’t truly be with him. Run.
Codependency can be a terrible thing to deal with!
You can't change another person to suit you. They can only change for themselves. You liked her as she was but she became unhappy with what you want to change. It's better to accept or walk away.
Callin him a snoop? Like catching your teen withndeugs in the bag huh
This guy gave every reason and excuse on why she would treat him bad but never gave one on why he believes he deserves better. He's stuck and hopeful.
No one has the right to take their trauma out on anyone else. No one.
3:58 This guy has lack of boundaries. I’ve been there, done that. First sign she had feelings for another man, just leave. Don’t argue, don’t beg, don’t explain. If she can’t see the issue don’t make them choose. Say you don’t think this will work out and leave. She doesn’t have morals and she’s doesn’t comprehend boundaries.
I really enjoy Your speaking and like Your viewpoint, thank You.
Yes it is true in some way....i am a trauma bond and my partner is a trauma bond....i have anxious attachment, and my husband is avoidant attachment
... if you decide to read about your trauma implement it...work on it....and both partners do it it works....we have been together 17 years,and i would not say that there are no problems, but we are working through them,always look at ,yourself first....❤
And also you shoud never say he/she doesnt do that, he/she does that yada yada....look at yourself first and foremost...it is egotistical to accuse your partner....you heal yourself...and then everything else comes in place....
It also helps to find children... or they find you as happens with me who have the same trauma bond as you and try to help them.....and do aomething good with your experience....
I've one thing to say end it even if it hurts you, Trauma bonded or not, love or not, she doesn't respect you, you need mutual respect to keep growing. One word my friend Character of a person matters.
RUN PAL...she is mental
I had a gf that had no father and had all these random guy friends shed constantly keep up with while we were dating. I expressed my displeasure and she continued. Took me a while to realize she did not care about me the way I thought she did.
My girlfriend of a year and a half told me yesterday that she doesn't want to be selfless. Her trauma wounds are destroying the relationship. She also won't cook or clean and holds out on sex. I cook and clean and go out of my way to show her love in several different ways. I asked her after she (without talking to me about it) moved in if she could please help with the cooking and cleaning. She did the most half assed attempt at cleaning and then she got home at 2 and cooked up some of my steaks and ate them so i got home to a house smelling like cooked steaks and there was no food for me. I was pissed.
*I’m at **3:42** and I saved myself time.* If someone is willing to sleep with a married individual or help someone cheat on their significant other, then they’re a liability who can’t be trusted. I don’t care about their past trauma if they’re a person of that caliber at bare minimum.
A covert narcissist is unlikely to change. Don’t make the mistake so many people have made by trying to stick it out. It will just result in years lost. Sorry to have to say it, but it’s time to move on.
No doubt
Thank you for this wonderful video.
This sounds like a classic situation of a relatively secure healthy person having been drawn into a relationship with a covert narcissist. I'm so sorry to say this, as I know the word gets flung around as blame now in pop culture at the moment, but in this case I think it's really important that a spade is called a spade.
This poor man could spend his life being sucked in justifying every little complex thing of hers and get totally sucked into each and every one of her stories and games and totally lose touch with himself.. because most humans have kindness and prefer to see the best in everyone and give people endless chances.
This IS a very healthy instinct with someone else who is healthy with the usual amount of human flaws.
But this person doesn't sound like they are capable of responding to the usual amount of kindness or reciprocity, that makes a marriage, because I don't think she has the self awareness and self responsibility to be in a healthy reciprocal journey with someone.
Honestly every single scenario screams that she has had a personality injury to the extent that she might never be able to function normally.
I'm sorry to say this, because I know on this Chanel we have hope, but the thing is with narcissistic people, they are actually irreversibly damaged in the structure of their personalities, so it would take a lifetime of commitment, like an alcoholic to function usually needs to be fully and totally committed to daily practice of recovery, as in, regular therapy, consistent support groups, an hour or two a day of personal accountability practice, and the daily things of health like exercise and good food that cause stability in someones physical biology that affect mood.
And first and foremost she would have to recognise that she's the problem.
What she has done is manipulated him into trauma bonding with her.
There is a lot of information about this by credible, university trained and qualified academics and therapists, and it's really important he understands how this type of emotional abuse works.
It will only get worse if he marries her. She has laid the foundation of gaslighting him, set up a framework, to distort everything good, to bind him to her, through manipulating his natural good intentions, and it's quite a process to break free.
Please, call a spade a spade. It's so important he knows he's not stuck with this, that the excitement is the trauma bond not true love.
I strongly strongly recommend this guy looks up Dr Ramani s work on this, she also has a TH-cam channel, and describes all the little ways good people get sucked into every single loop hole of a narcissist world.
It's sad but true, I agree with Anna, this is the time to take a step back from being engaged.
It's ok to break off engagements. That's the time where you seriously look at the intention of being together and if it's seriously realistically compatible.
This is the rest of your life your talking about. Take that seriously.
I made this mistake and have lost the chance to have a family because of the time wasted with someone who ultimately was damaged to the core and couldn't be suitable and I regret it every day. They exploited all my good intentions and good grace. I don't want that to happen to anyone else.
This guy sounds like a good man.
There are good women in the world who would be a suitable partner, and he doesnt need to feel guilty for letting go of someone exciting but ultimately unhealthy for him.
Narcs have a way of flattering, justifying, excusing, and keeping you relentlessly in their talons.
It's not worth it.
There is no good outcome possible with a narcissist.
Sending this man lots of love and care, there is a whole wide world out there, please cast your net wider to find someone safe who can truly love you and be at peace ❤
Also, it's inevitable having trust issues after being betrayed in a previous partnership.
It's not a personal flaw, having hurt feelings, and needing reliable boundaries after an experience like that.
I don't want to see this young man internalise his girlfriends blame, and projection, that anything to do with this is just "his issues".
That's deflection.
That's not loving or respectful.
Every relationship needs protecting.
Even polyamourous relationships have agreements and limits.
There is no excuse for minimising a person's hurts, being unwilling to work around them, or creatively find solutions that work for both parties. That's just not team work.
Marriage is a team work situation.
This poor man has lost himself chasing an idea thst isn't reality. Dude needs to learn to be happy being alone. Then he can find someone who is good for him. This woman is a nightmare.
There are two sides to every story. To be frank, he sounds rather controlling. My eyebrows were raised when he tried to cut her off from her mentor. The sex detail seems rather irrelevant, this person was evidently quite important to her, an inspiration and guide in her past, someone who actually meant something to her, whom she regarded as her only positive family ("father-figure"). His attempt to get him cut him off so quickly is disrespectful of who she is, and what is important to her. It doesn't sound like he is jealous of sexual competition, but competition for control of her, by isolating her from her only "family". His self-righteousness ("therapist agree with me", "her family agrees with me") is off-putting. Seems like he is marshalling resources to make her appear crazy. He cuts her off, tells her what to do and lectures her like a child. He proclaims innocence to snooping, but he doth protest too much. Frankly, David sounds a little scary. He seems be trying to hurry things along, to set her up as a dutiful little wife and force her into things she doesn't want to do. It is natural to rebel. He doesn't seem to take her recalcitrance or objections seriously, dismissing them as trauma-related and unreasonable. She should run. Definitely doesn't want to get married, and definitely should not. David is not good for her.
0:47 not only are you putting yourself in a crap situation, you’re enabling them to be the worst of themselves at your, and your circles expense.
When you’re dealing with an adult who acts like a child, you kind of need to approach it as such.
And I’m not saying be condescending, but just see it for what it is.
Or you can just keep on infantilizing and adult human being and saying that they don’t have any any agency or have the ability to be accountable, and you and everybody that comes into contact with you can pay the price.