Dealing with Emotional Disconnection in Marriage - Jim Turner
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ก.ย. 2024
- It’s not uncommon for men to struggle with emotional intimacy in marriage and other relationships. Jim Turner, a former pastor, was one of those men, until his wife left him, and a friend challenged him to take a closer look at himself. He thought love was all about doing things, checking off the right boxes. After allowing godly men - and his children - to speak into his life, Jim experienced a dramatic transformation. Jim is remarried and has learned to experience life more fully and be relational in all his connections. Through this conversation, men and women will find help and encouragement in their marriage.
Get the book, The Disconnected Man: bit.ly/4dL5TL8
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I am married to a man just like Jim Turner describes. My husband has very few moments where he is willing to connect with me, and then he wonders why I struggle with intimacy with him. Still married almost 20 years, but it isn't a happy marriage. I am definitely emotionally disconnected, but I have compassion for my husband. I stay with him as a testimony to my daughter, and because my husband's health is declining. I know he needs my support. I see it as being the hands and feet of Jesus to serve him. However, it took a long time for me to come to this point where I no longer want to divorce my husband. Praying for my spouse, and humbling myself is an important part of my journey.
Amen sister. You are not alone in your experience.
Count me in with you. 39 years coming up January 2025. @@MichelleLovesJesus
Yes, you are not alone
I can identify, but I feel so in despair.thecrealisation that I won't ever get the connected Ness that I need. 15 years and I am so unhappy, needs unmet. 😢
We're sorry to hear about your struggles, friend. We’ll be praying, asking our Heavenly Father to be the center of your marriage and work in your situation in a loving way. If you feel it might be helpful, we invite you to talk about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Please call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) -- we’d be happy to come alongside you in any way we can. -Emily F.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalised
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I can't live without him, I love him so much. wish I can get him back I can do anything to have him back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
We're very sorry to hear about your situation, Michelle. Please know that we'll be praying for you and your spouse, asking the Lord to bring healing and hope to your marriage. Also, so that we might come alongside you and offer assistance, we invite you to talk with one of our Christian counselors (at no cost to you). Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/2ItKdoE. May God’s wisdom and hand of grace direct your steps in the days ahead. -Mia J.
@@JerryT.Robinson-kz2rn it takes two to be willing to open themselves. When one is not emotionally available, the relationship just withers and dies. I spent years trying to guess what he was thinking and why he was always so angry. Walked on eggshells in my own home. He refused counseling. 😞
Married to a man 37 years just like this. And I loved him in spite of it, but I paid a huge price for staying. He died of cancer 9 years ago.
Thankyou for addressing this subject. As a divorced woman who lived 2 decades with a disconnected man it is so encouraging to see men willing to better themselves to be the best husband they can be. This gives me hope❤
Our pastor told my husband and me during counseling that men are usually better 2nd husbands than 1st husbands. True words. I'm still married to the 1st husband. :)
Your pastor is sweet to say that but from what I've seen since I was in HS in my relatives, most men don't remarry. They just get sad or bitter and live the rest of their life through their kids.
I always said the Acts of Service love language is a cover for emotionally disconnected people. Glad this is coming to light
Yes it can be, that makes sense, not always the case though.... maybe 🙃
100%
Not always.
Interesting statement
I’m an acts of service person and I’m also the more emotionally available in my marriage. Maybe that’s not common?
42 years with an Asperger's husband I have said 100s of times u r the only person who can live and function without a heart...no compassion no sympathy no respect narcissist but by God's grace I have survived still together only because I make $70O month SS where can I go..but to the Lord..he cares only about himself I have Rheumatoid arthritis never ask how r u feeling Never
Young (or old) people need to be very, very, careful who they marry! Marrying someone who doesnt connect the way you want isn't a legitimate reason to divorce. This is such a Western, modern, idea.
Don't underestimate the hurt on both sides of a broken relationship. (I am talking about when there are no third parties involved).
The person who leaves (or initiates the break) has usually been feeling rejected for a long time - their pain has been a drawn out process & now they have made the decision to end it, it may appear that they are not that devastated by it.
The person who has just been told this is happening often deals with their rejection in one big hit & they are devastated.
Both husband & wife have been really emotionally hurt, but the process was different.
As I said at start - Don't underestimate the hurt on either side. Be kind to one another. 💒
If both were kind, they wouldn't be in the mess they're in. Hearts are harden.
This guy keeps saying she asked for divorce came out of the blue. I dont buy that. He didn't listen to her pleas all along.
Been going through this for 12 years. We’ve even been to Hope Restored, FOTF’s marriage intensive… I am always seeking guidance and encouragement because it can be really hard to stay. I think ultimately I have to decide if God is enough. Of course I want to connect with my husband and feel seen and known by him. I want a beautiful marriage here on earth. Keeping my eyes on the Lord gives me room to tolerate the imperfections in my marriage, even in the hurt. The hurt doesn’t go away but I’m not walking it alone. I take comfort in that. I still hope and pray for change. Only the Lord can do that.
Hi Emily! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. We know it's not always an easy thing to do. Please know that we are praying for you and would like to encourage you to continue to place your trust in the Lord. (Prov 3:5) as you continue to stand for your marriage. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings, Ella L
My husband (35 yrs.) is a professionally diagnosed narcissist, an addiction recovery pastor, separated from me for one year (I began standing up for myself which he labeled toxic) came home two years ago but remains separated in-house. He will not file but keeps a divorce worksheet at home. I do not want to file but am so lonely. We have adult children (oldest has spoken out he takes my side - they all love us both) I HATE this life…. It hurts to hear this guest say his new marriage is more than he ever imagined. I wonder if his first wife is truly healed. I just feel no hope.
They start calling you " toxic " when you start fighting for the marriage demonstratively. I tried everything else, then I started getting angry . He said I didn't love him unconditionally and filed for divorce. I was so weary of his disconnection. I grieve all the time over the loss of us but I'm letting go gradually. He wants to try to be friends now but I block his number and cut off all ties to him with the exception of our 19 year old son.
My husband has called me toxic. Married 39 years. 2 adult sons. I’ve been the provider mainly. I don’t even know what he has. Joint account that only use. Says he had to have separate account for business. Hasn’t had own business for over 10 years. Unbeliever drinker coming/ going as he pleases.
There is a Christian therapist online, Kris Reese, her total ministry is about narcissistic relationships, she has lots of resources.
Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will.
At the age of 16 my husband’s family had their world turned upside down. His mom was diagnosed with a rare illness and died two years later. He has lived with trauma brain his entire life. We married in 1981, when he was 24 & I had just turned 19. It’s been a lonely, difficult, loveless relationship. Because of God’s grace and a godly hope, I’m still able to function. It is possible to live with a broken heart.
We're so sorry you've gone through a difficult time @psthisisme and we appreciate you sharing part of your story. Please let us know if we can come alongside you in any way. We're here for you. May the Lord continue to surround you in His grace and hope.
-Luna H.
I need desperate help with this. I know I’m not alone but it sure feels so lonely. 😭🙏🏻😭🙏🏻
We're sorry you are going through this, friend. Please know that you are in our prayers. If you’d like to discuss your situation with one of our counselors, please call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). God be with you! - Julia J
Where are testimonies of believers who got reconciled with their first marriage partners, or otherwise are remaining single, after their divorce or seperation - as we're directed by Sctipture?
100%
Finally someone has words for this big problem. Wish there was a part 2!
@@pamkino I agree! We need more of this to be discussed.
I imagine you'll need to get his book for that..
People can change. Such proof! The Lord helps us in all things if we ask if we abide.
Like all of us, Im sure this guy could have done better. But even if he had, theres no guarantee that she wouldn't have found another reason to leave. Beating up the husbands for not being sensitive enough, while telling the wife that she isnt being valued enough is way over the top in modern western culture. There has to be mutual responsibility and balance.
I have been having this concern in my marriage. For the last two weeks I have been looking for the right words and time to share with my husband. It is really bothering me,no matter how hard I try to erase it from my thoughts the more it eats me. I hope I will be able to communicate and he will understand my concern. Emotional connection means a lot especially to the wife.
Pray about it.
@@Scrabble8393 sure I'll, thanks
All the best Sis, do keep us updated. I might just learn from you as well. Stay blessed
Hello, it is important to share your concern with him as soon as you feel that emotion/disconnection. Some men cannot connect their insensitivity if they are approached much later. Nevertheless, it is never too late...but most importantly pray and trust Jesus to order your conversation
I tried to communicate subtly for over 20 years, he always laughed it off then turned it all on me at a time I suffered a misfortune n became vulnerable.....I am now hated for ever highlighting those struggles....
My husband of 47 years (an unbeliever) just doesn't want to connect with me. He makes it very clear. He is generous and good provider, can be very sweet but wants to be left alone.
And do you feel fulfilled as his wife?
His love language is acts of service. He’s not wrong for it. He likely has pain and hurt from childhood and has walls. Believe me, don’t break down the walls, look for ways to have fun together and the love will blossom. He has to feel safe, and it will overflow. He loves you because he’s showing it the best way he knows how. There’s a reason marriage is for life.
@@Scrabble8393 Great point.
Sounds like my husband.
My recent ex-husband, I believe just wanted to be able to say he is married with a kid but showed no interest in us. Consequences are a failed marriage after 22 years 😢
In reading all this, I wonder if there were signs of emotional disconnection before the marriage. There are red flags we don't see because we're so "in love" that we have blinders on. In some cases maybe the emotional disconnection developed over time.
I agree because I’ve been married now for 2 years to my husband and I didn’t see those things at first. I now see a different person he isn’t the person I met 2 years ago. We got married rather quickly because “we were so in love” now it’s like he comes home says hi then is just glued to the tv, phone, game leave to the gym it feels like he use to want to be with me and around now he’s just distant I know there isn’t any cheating but I don’t feel like I want to spend years living this way. I was in a 10 year horrible relationship 4 years before I met him and I don’t want to put up with things again I feel like we’re too old to act this way.
When they are getting a dopamine hit from discovering you in the honeymoon phase they will be able to connect in a form. Once your familiar and the dopamine flooding wears off then you see the real connection dynamic
I broke a friendship because of this, it was all about her all the time, i walked extra miles to show her my care and my love for her as friend, my birthday was never important to her, i got tired of it
so what makes a man like this get married in first place ?
The same reason a woman marries him.
Both do not recognize need to improve
I loved this message! My only wish is that they would have asked some advice for the wife on what she can do to aid her spouse
Not a single comment about how this also happens the other way around.
Perhaps I’m the only man who is living with an extremely responsible wife who does everything out of duty, but love is scarce. 17 years married and I never thought that there was such a thing as gratefully married but not happily.
Can you talk to,her about your need for Love?? Sad
Thank you for sharing, friend. If you'd like to discuss this situation with a counselor, feel free to call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). You and your wife are in our prayers.- Jocelyn C.
@@focusonthefamily I did already, but focus on the family does not help much other than referring me to counseling which I would have to pay for. Not much help there, but thanks.
I have access to the same counseling at my church at no cost. Thanks anyway.
Unfortunately my marriage ended after 25 yrs because of this reason. Emotionally unavailable men cause almost irrepairable damage to their partners/wifes.
My ex was totally emotionally unavailable during our marriage. He just didn't know how to handle my emotions. He would rather connect with our children than with me.
He had NO clue whatsover how to connect with me on an emotional level. Was severely painful.💔
Yes I’m going through that now after 22yrs. It is hurtful and feels like he couldn’t care less.
So did your husband end the marriage or did you? And if you did, were there biblical grounds (assuming of course that you’re a Christian)?
@@mchristrthese situations are abandonment.
So did the husband leave and refuse to come back and work on the marriage?
Same but my ex husband didn't connect with our son either. He kept to himself and some of his friends. My ex husband is addicted to Facebook. He sits on it for hours on end. Reading people's lives and comments and commenting to them 😂. I'm laughing because I'm crying inside!
What about the women he vowed to first? I cry for her ans me.
So if they are emotionally disconnected, why do they care if the woman leaves them?
Childhood traumas build walls. This type typically does this out of self preservation. Women leaving is another deep hurt. Job loss, death and divorce are emotionally catastrophic. They love how they can, and time can love can change things. It’s a life long journey.❤
@@Scrabble8393live how you summarized this
@@Scrabble8393*love
@@Scrabble8393what can a wife do when she's asked her husband to look for a counselor or therapy and he says he doesn't need it? It's clear that his childhood trauma is coming out every time he's frustrated with something and feels incapable and angry. He falls apart in anger and hopelessness.
Pride
Divorce and remarriage is wrong. Very disappointed.
AMEN
I think emotional disconnection can also be emotional abuse…
My question is why did he not go back to his 1st wife!! That would be a true testimony.
Do you think she would be willing?
@@cynthiafisher9907 idk but if he's really changed why would he not want to try and do the connection with her? I would do anything for my husband to try to connect with me.
My genuine THANKs
to both Jim …sharing
their own unique inner
Journey in marriage and
family intimate disconnect
the TRUE VULNERABLE SELF
Gods words The TRUTH
WILL SET YOU FREE ✝️
both men / women and
their BELOVED children
GLORY to GODs
infinite MERCIES
REDEEMING LOVE
of GRACE and DIVINE
shared common PEACE 🕊
thru the HOLY TRINITY
AMEN AMEN AMEN
Any other women out there feeling like a disconnected man right now? 😅 That's what I do: "do" love instead of feel it. My man is the more emotional of us two. He's the only person I feel safe expressing my emotions to; I guess that's good.
I’m “married” to an emotionally abusive man who has never shown me or my children any love or affection since we got married and we moved for him. He lied to me saying he was a Godly man and would be a good Dad to my kids, no he basically ruined our lives
We're sorry to hear about your marital struggles, Bonnie. We’ll be praying, asking our Heavenly Father to fill you and your husband with His love and compassion. May He be the center of your marriage and family, and may He provide strength and guidance as you look to Him. If you feel it might be helpful, we invite you to talk about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Please call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) -- we’d be happy to come alongside you in any way we can. In the meantime, the following material might be helpful: tinyurl.com/2jrykjb4; tinyurl.com/zw4x8jau and tinyurl.com/yj3rwyzn. -Emily F.
@@focusonthefamily thank you, please pray for my children most of all as they were most affected
We'll be praying for your children that God will fill them with His infinite love, strength and protection, Bonnie. -Emily F.
The question is did the husband start out this way early on in the marriage or was it a gradual change over the years? Some men are just highly introverted or antisocial by personality which you can't really change and should think twice before considering marriage if one of the spouses fit in this category. Other reasons could be stress from work and life, depression, or health problems which can be addressed and corrected.
Maybe. Or watch how they treat everyone else they “value”, and compare it to spouse. If inquisitiveness, caring, sensitive to needs and feelings is present for all others but not spouse (except in short, intense dating phase), then that man has an intimacy problem he needs to learn what it stems from and address it maturely.
One more time you have filed my heart with gratitude to Focus on this important issue very common in our world. Thank you. I can’t wait to give a book and read mine. Many more Blessings helping Families⭐️❤️🙏🕊.
Hi, Margarita. Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm for our program, and we’re glad that it was so meaningful to you. We are pleased by the opportunity the Lord has given us to be of encouragement to many families in our listening audience. Your kind comments about Focus mean a lot to us. God’s best to you. -Sharon P.
Jim Daly needs to stop talking and taking over the guest speakers spotlight. Let the guests have their say, thats why we tune in
It’s his job to steer the interview, often in the desire to highlight points the guest has included in a book.
@@mchristr yep, and they have to discuss the highlights in a specific amount of time.
@@mchristrI am interested in both perspectives
Didn't he just find a different woman that he felt for... sounds like he just didn't and still doesn't feel anything for the 1st wife. And he kinda makes that obvious. Ouch. I hope other men aren't encouraged to change wives, for progress in becoming connected men.
My ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME, no connection on empathy absolutely NOTHING all he ever cared about was himself and whatever woman that's in his life, no connection with his children or Grandkids, emotionally stunted, behaves like a 2 year old, had to leave him to his own devices, my ex husband is an Narcissist.
Forgive me if I’m wrong-and I could be-but it seems like when I look at your titles and thumbnails there are 15 or 20 videos telling men what they do wrong for every one video telling women to do better. Like, where’s the video on “sexual disconnect” in marriage, about the wife who withholds sex from her husband for no good reason…or for every reason under the sun? it’s almost like Paul knew that was going to be a problem, so he addressed it 2000 years ago 😏 Thanks I’ll take off the air… 😂
If the husband is unaware he’s emotionally disconnected he will never understand that his wife’s desire for intimacy is negatively affected. Wives crave emotional connection which leads to the physical.
@@JoyceBailey-y6zIt’s still no excuse we need to be selfless in marriage.
@@sofiabravo1994So, he has an excuse, but she doesn’t?
17:57 If the Holy Spirit isn't doing that for a guy, then it is not his time? What does he mean by that?
You were supposed to renew your vows to first wife and start again
AMEN!!
It takes two. Do you really think she would be willing to?
Such a beautiful episode...time can change men, (and, women)...struggles in building a family, work,...I've learned to give him space, he takes alot of it!..." he doesn't care about me" like he used to in the beginning, I feel....childhood; his father was disconnected to him emotionally while growing into manhood, did not go to HS sports...
Have anyone else noticed how Daily seems to undermines his own character by the way of answering his Co Worker “ The Masters “ ?
So good 💗💗thank you 💯📢
Wd have been having problems for years. Finaly trying and getting help. Often if i explain my heart he sits quiet and stares at me. If he responds, he dont get it or says im wrong. He wont say anything nice, in that moment telling me he loves me and hugging me would be great but he just stares at me
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @jackijohnson3778. Please know that we're here to come alongside you both in any way that we can. If you think it might be helpful to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to intervene in your marriage, providing you both with His perfect peace.
-Luna H.
I will be sending this to my wife
I will be sending it to my husband 😂
No one ever talks about the disconnected wife in a marriage, without it somehow ending up as him being at fault.
Typical.
While I believe this is an issue with men, It seems that it is an extremely sensitive issue to bring in a woman's point of view. There are times that a woman bears some responsibility for this problem
huh....my "husband' made sure he could be emotionally available to his so-called female "friend"...oh yes, how easy it was for the both of them to share their emotions against their spouses with one another...
Did his wife play no part in this. Could she have done something different to help to feel connected with him? It sounded like he took full responsibility.
Now, the question is how do I send this video to my husband?
Have him sit with you and watch it! First explain to him how you feel and ask him to try and understand.
Thank you for your interest. Here is a link you can send. - Steve L.
bit.ly/3AToF4B
Watch together 😊
@@fifthof9501 thank you!! I’m on the road 1,000 miles away from him and that the best idea!! Been married for 51 years this month and he has admitted to me that he doesn’t feel sympathy. Just loving him the way he is is a bit tough at times.
Pray first
Is it OK for people that are emotionally disconnected and so their wife divorces them I’m assuming both of these are the man and the woman are Christians and now they get to go and remarry somebody else? Is that biblical?
Hello @purplemoose6431 Here's a link to our position statement on divorce and remarriage - bit.ly/3RPLzgH. Also, if you'd like to discuss this topic further with one of our pastoral counselors, call us at 800-232-6459 and one of them will return your call as soon as possible. We hope this is helpful. Blessings, Ella L.
What about if your husband separated you and its still living with you? He is sick and not working for years! What a Christian women should do?
1 Peter 3:1-6
Hard to live it because of the curse in the garden, I’m still trying. Pray hard.
@@lydiafredericks3099 ❤️
@@lydiafredericks3099 My husband is a Christian and ex pastor.
@@lydiafredericks3099pls explain
"Patriarchy" is the problem for men of an older generation. They were taught to be able to take charge. Today, that is called being "narcissistic," before there was such a label. Men of the older generation have cultural restrictions with emotional intimacy. It was considered unmanly to discuss emotions. Many men of that generation go through the motions but secretly try to get their wives to also restrict their emotional needs. It would have unraveled men to function differently. Whereas, women were often regarded by men as their helpers, not as individuals or persons in their own right. Women accepted this and privately talked to their "best friend" to complain. It was compensation. Today, there are resources available that did not exist in the past. We know more about male hormonal differences from female. There is hope if women will also educate themselves to understand at a deeper spiritual depth. Then they can understand both their own economic dependency thst may have allowed their compromised lives. These are common problems for people in their 60's and 70's. Younger people tend to have more collaborative roles if they are Christian and communicate with other couples.
Could an emotional disconnected man have had a problem with rejection in his childhood?
❤ this was great ,thanks this sounds like my husband
My husband spends his time on the phone first thing in the morning and when he comes home from work. If I complain, he says it's business. Because he spends so much on social media, he has become a very angry man. Need help
If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our caring Christian counselors. One of them will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon. - Steve L.
Unfortunately, his first wife was not looking to Jesus as completion, she could have saved a lot of grief and heartache by praying instead of getting a divorce.
17:55
If the Holy Spirit is not doing it, it’s not his time.
What is the wife to do? Pray. Wait. Be in pain.
What are the children to do? Grow up with a distant dad who imprints his own dysfunction onto them? This can lead to a pretty steep faith crisis for a fervently praying wife.
This is really great content
Thanks for the vulnerability
Thanks FOTF
I'm surprised his new wife isn't sharing this testimony of transformation....hmmmm
As followers of Jesus’ mission of justice, I want to remind how Pope Francis has repeatedly emphasized the importance of reaching out to marginalized individuals and embracing them with open arms, without judgement or hatred. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that all LGBTQ+ persons must be "accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity." Please do consider the words of Pope Francis as well as the work being done by theologians all over the world, who continues to inspire sentiments of love, inclusion, and justice.
🧐 what in the world???
Does it take a divorce for a husband to finally realize he’s emotionally void? When he doesn’t possibly realize that being a provider doesn’t equate to love?
No thanks I’ll consider the words of Jesus ❤
@@melonygt9005 Amen!!
@@melonygt9005 yep the Pope isn’t Jesus!
🥹🥺this is on point.