I hadn't heard that term hyper independence before. I can relate to 4 of those signs. I am the last person to ask for help. thanks for sharing this video.
I am 100% a hyper independent person. I refuse to reach out for help and support when I’m emotionally dysregulated or struggling with a task. I’ve gotten o good at masking and self coping. If someone notices that I’m struggling emotionally, or with a task, and they ask if I need help, I either shut down and go mute, or I get annoyed with them.
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! This hit on every angle. It’s so frustrating when someone else can spell out what you’ve been spending your whole life trying to understand.
One thing to watch out for, if you're like this and you're also a perfectionist, is that over time you start to believe that everyone is an idiot and incompetent! If you've been doing everything yourself, it's only natural to learn to do so many things yourself and to get good at them. But this doesn't mean that everybody is an idiot! This can lead to some really toxic behaviors and make it even harder to let people get close to you! I know for sure that I'm guilty of this...
I crave friendship. It is so difficult to make friends/keep friends as an older adult. There is a friendly person at work that I would love to get closer to but she has her little circle of friends established and seems closed off to having anyone join. I don't know if maybe I just don't make the grade or that she just isn't wanting any more friends. I do feel unworthy sometimes. And lonely. But I also don't want to be pushy. I want to be wanted for myself. Being an adult is hard.
I’m feeling the same way and constantly thinking about how many people in my past have let me down or not shown up. It feels like this thought process has really stunted making friends or even connecting with others in general. We could be friends and already have Kati in common 😊
we were neglected and disappointed so bad that we became so numb which then lead us not expecting anything from people; for example: for them to have our backs. if only we were cared about, loved, and helped when we were young; the way we act around responsibilities and deal with the weight of the world would definitely be different.
Severe childhood neglect didn't make me "feel like" no one could be trusted or relied upon. It taught me that this is an undeniable truth for me. I have to do everything myself because there is no one else, and if i were to let someone else do it, it would be done incorrectly. The best part of this knowledge is that it doesn't apply to nearly everybody else. They take care of each other just fine. Only me that's abhorrent. I do see the end of the tunnel, though.
I feel like high intelligence can lead to this hyperindependence since it makes it so that most people are unable to understand or comprehend you while also making it seem like others are not as competent as you so you don't trust them to carry out tasks
I was literally falling apart this morning because it is overwhelming that it's all on my shoulders. I am physically on my own so I have to do everything. Then I turn on TH-cam and here's this video. This fact that I am on my own is made worse because I am hyper-independent. And when I have tried letting people in, entering into community, opening myself up...I am met with disappointment and I find myself having to start over. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
I expected to see some relevance to this video but wasn't expecting to be so called out by it. As someone else mentioned if things are stressful /chaotic (where my adhd is often an asseet) I don't have the ability (and sometimes patience to explain to others what needs to be done). It will cause me more stress to stop, slow my thoughts down and explain it to them (especially if they have no familiarity) then it will be to tell them I got it, step past them and get it done. All the time I'd love eto be alble to delegate it but that requires I trust them to know how "it needs to be done"
I had stuff in my childhood but I now feel it’s more an issue of neurodivergence. I’m different and people don’t choose me. I’ve ended up on my own against my efforts and wishes. I have lived with a string of difficult room mates. I am so grateful the newest roomies are great. We cook together sometimes and it’s a blessing to have.
People in general don't choose me, so when someone does, I'm afraid that asking for help or being "difficult" in any way will be used as an excuse for acceptance to turn to rejection. Expressing needs will cause people to drop me like a hot rock.
Exceedingly difficult to move past issues that were caused by some form of trauma during our formative years......I seldom see anyone make that "quantum leap." Rather, most of us try everything we can, then finally just learn ways to cope the best we can. My hope is that someday, somehow, we find ways to ensure no child transitions into adulthood burdened with issues that perpetually sabotage his/her best efforts and limits their ability to love and be loved. One can only hope.
hyper-independence, never heard about this word, no I have it. Live like that for decades, ruined my life by 100%. I don't trust anybody anymore, even not therapists, because I had many very disappointing ones.
The feeling that our life is ruined is excellent since it can be one of points of entry, like a thread that we can "follow". Not like in some conceptual sense, not to make up some philosophy that reframes our life to make it better, but to feel that upset for the sake of feeling it, and neither making it go away nor artificially wallow in it. Kind of just feel it like we feel sun on our skin. Things like journaling, art therapy, meditation, etc are all way to sort of stay with it in some way and then learn to channel it At the end of the day, from a detached 3rd person perspective, all of it relates to survival and self protection. So any strong recoil, judgment, regret, craving, disgust, etc in that area is useful to feel and poke on emotional level, even though it sucks completely. The harder and more offensive it is, the more useful it can be And even having a therapist betray you can be "useful" in that sense. Not to artificially induce some thing and learn to enjoy it or persevere or dissociate, but to fully go through it while in the back of your mind sometimes recalling that this is just make belief, like a dream. Therapists aren't real people in our life, they are hired characters that help us with zero negative impact on our real life, whatever they are doing doesn't actually affect our survival, it's a role play. Going through grief due to betrayal by a therapist fully and honestly allows you to see yourself and reconnect with yourself, while the actual impact of that relationship is null and so you are free to experiment
@@mattesrocket I'm talking from personal experience. And my starting point was so much mistrust and independence that I had what I now see as full blown wide ranging paranoia, which is why even having therapists or any real relationships was completely unconscionable, and I was only ever dealing with it on my own for decades. You don't have to agree, but you could try getting into regular meditation and then I to experimenting with how you relate to your feelings. It's about processes, not any conceptual understanding, and "simply" feeling our feelings in the right way changes them and ourselves over time. What have you got to lose?...
@@renzo_kookin4208 Nah, people are only real if we have a total mutual understanding. The less mutual it is, the more we actually see ourselves projected on others. Which can be useful in itself, but isn't a relationship. Though it can be a foundation for an unhealthy attachment, like between a co-dependent person and avoidant. Both people in that case are projections of the needs of the other person, and this often leads to explosive on and off relationships that are intoxicating that seemingly feel right, but also are unhealthy or unsustainable
My problem is I don’t even think “help” exists, like it doesn’t even occur to me that that is a possibility in life so it’s not that I deny it to myself but I don’t even realize that it is a thing
This is so true. When I'm dealing with anything, I'm thinking "What can I do to solve this" and not "I might need help with this". However, I've made some new friends a few years ago who show interest in what I'm doing with my free time, and every now and then will suggest ways in which they could help me. And I've learned to pause and see if I feel like I want/need the help, or if maybe I don't need what they suggest but there is a different way they can support me. Seriously, having the right people in your circle makes so much of a difference!
Kati, I am the eldest brother and young general of the family. Most decisions run through me to open up and lay out my plans. In my stubbornness, I refuse to give input. So, naturally I seek out NPCs for side quests to carefully immerse myself into the wild to become invisible. Then BAM! I come charging in with a burst of confidence. Regretfully, my charge has led to an uprising in the cabinets and drawers. I have since been deligated to an island with humanoid creatures that live underground. They don't appear dangerous, but rather indifferent to my presence. Kati, you'd marvel at the way they can move. It's as if they've a key to the sea! By night they hunt with such speed dreams are devoured before I wake! I don't know how long I'll be here, but thank you for listening to my mysterious ordeal. May you have a Happy New Year.
I am definitely hyper-independent. For example, I'm supposed to get a medical procedure but I need a ride who stays there through it. I won't ask anybody to do that so I just haven't done the procedure. I lived deep in the closet for decades, so the part about feeling seen plays a huge role in this. I had to rely only on myself because I couldn't (wouldn't) let others in. I do everything alone now.
Yes I was abandoned by a parent and neglected by the other. Hyper independent but now I'm earning well and self actualised, at peace, love myself. It's smart to have savings for emergencies even if you think you have friends.
This definitely describes me. Unfortunately I've been dumped by my closest friend (after 30 yrs of friendship) & my last therapist, who "wanted to cut down her hours". I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a new person ever again & I certainly can't trust therapists again. It sucks to be alive as the world ends all around you & all the other humans ignore what's happening.
It's true. We can only rely on ourselves. There is no need to ask for help because people will just let you down. Gotta take care of your own crap. No matter what you think no one will be there for you. The quicker you realize it the better. Plus we're all just burdens anyway. I have no idea why people think being by yourself means you are lonely. You can be alone and not be lonely. You are all you need in life.
Search for help before it really kills you. I had a friend who was learned to refuse to ask for help in childhood. Later he became ill and didnt want medical support what eventually caused his death.
Oh hyper-independence my biggest flaw... once even terminated my rent to escape a custody case (initiated by my parents with falsified medical records) as I deemed my freedom so important that I'd rather live on the street than let anyone have control over me...
Not sure if it's hyper independence or just independence. I check three boxrs, (1) "Emotional Neglect" in the manner of not to be too needy, "Aw, c'mon, grow up!", "want affection, earn it". (2) "Pufferfishing", I like that expression. At times I could also be a sea urchin. (3) "Not feeling seen, heard or understood" that's like a red ribbon running through my life, even though I don't want to be seen too much, on occasion I'd rather fade into the wallpaper. It took me many years to be able to ask for help, which I can do now but it still feels odd, like I do not want to molest people.
I try to use my ancestors natives traditional healers as my anchor to check myself up from the neck up, even though I feel the pressure of being the oldest in my siblings (my hyper independence truly can affected me) when I over focused and forgetting to connect the dots to all the important tasks at hand not paying attention where to get off or where to get on, learning to accept being lost, its helpful to ask for help even though I don't trust others, its important to seek help no matter what.
I know that I can't rely on my immediate family for help, because I've asked them and they ignored me. They're pretty toxic so I've distanced myself 🤷♀️ And friends say they'll help then forget or just don't do it. The feeling of being forgotten about and having help refused is crushing. I do still try, but there are very few reliable people in my life.
* You had parents who said "You should be able to do that yourself (at your age)." * You had parents who would help you but acted really put out by it, like it was a major burden and/or you were just trying to annoy them. * Your parents' help came with so many strings and conditions attached that it wasn't worth it. * Your parents would help you but they never let you forget it; accepting help meant you were indebted to them. Then there's spending a lifetime being let down by people who said they'd be there for you and weren't, so you just give up asking for help.
“We are going to start acting like no one is going to care” - it ain’t acting. This is learning to cope in a totally uncaring and selfish society. It’s a culture that has stolen the foundation of how we are supposed to exist. We all inter- are, but today it is separation and isolation for the good of the almighty economy.
For >10y had a co-worker who refused to ask for instruction if something was unclear. He would rather spend 3 hours searching on the internet, than asking me and get the answer in 5 minutes. Working with him was hell.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't know how to make friends with people who actually engage in mutually supportive relationships. I have a spare ticket to an event, and literally noone to go with, while others flock to rally around mean girls. I honestly don't get it, and I no longer have faith in anyone either. If you do let them do something for you, they turn around at some point and call you a user. You do stuff for other people and they take you for granted, and still don't treat you like a friend that means anything. I'm at the point I'm pretty sure I'm just broken and noone likes me.
Hi Kati! Could you make a video on the opposite? As in being too DEPENDENT? Anything from dependence on others to do things for you due to lack of confidence or whatever, to being too dependent on others for their thoughts and opinions on things and not trusting yourself. Would love to hear your thoughts!
I feel l always have to be on top of everyones emotions..more than everything... I hate the burden of letting people in.. I "owe" something ... from toxic words like "after ALL I have done for youuu".. I hate feeling indebt to people.. I feel my needs are a burden so I do it myself... etc... I know its not the case but the core belief is there..
sounds great, sadly if I stop being the emotional rock my immediate family breaks apart, no more family and all "friends" went away, not time for an 40yr old autistic guy, and that seems to be also the case for the rest of the world; folk get married and have kids and add full-time jobs, nobody over 25 has time for new friends, even less with someone with little to relate to and uninterested in: their marriage, their kids or their work; which is 100% of their lives. Not wanting or asking for help sounds great, when compared to having none, in part because I started asking for a bit and when even a little was required and wasn't me the one doing all the effort, everyone ran away to their "more important" things. Life doesn't leave time and energy to help others outside their direct family.
Ive only had me to rely on for the past 16 years,my husband passed away and everyone walked away from me and my two kids who were 4 and 7 then, noone would help me, i had already walked away from my toxic family, im 58 now and today a nurse told me I was two old to make friends, when she ask if i had any one to help me with my disability my children have moved out and live far away, they can only come see me twice a year , I know im too old to make freinds she didnt have to say it, i quit helping people 10 years ago cause they always said no, its been ok until i got older and disabled ive just acceppted it
I can't believe a nurse said that to you. You are never too old to meet friends. She must be wounded in her own way. I know it gets harder to meet friends, but never too old. Best wishes for healing and connections to you.
I was fine before I started studying psychology. Now I see just how toxic everyone is. Going no contact is bad (isolation). Staying is bad (enduring abuse/narcissism). Psychology is contradictory.
Never ask anybody for help. Never accept assistance from anybody. You will pay far more for your assistance than you could ever imagine. Do it yourself and nobody will hold anything over you and say, "You owe me for the assistance I gave you a few months back!" You will regret asking for assistance. It may take longer alone. But, the job will be done right and without any sort of residual after effects. I will never ask any sort of help from anybody ecer again, unless it is a life or death situation.
Um , i behave a certain way that you spoke, but cuz my family is neurodivergent , im audhd, im not sure i really got anything from this. I need help, but i dont know what or how to ask.
Because when you've been raised from the beginning to never ask for help. You've been ridiculed for being too needy or told how abhorrent it is that you actually asked for help. You are expected to tow the line and be there when you are needed because after all you owe the family, no one else, just you. So you get things done and you realize that being alone is all that bad. At least you don't have to hear all the derogatory words of being a failure or whatever...
I hadn't heard that term hyper independence before. I can relate to 4 of those signs. I am the last person to ask for help. thanks for sharing this video.
I am 100% a hyper independent person. I refuse to reach out for help and support when I’m emotionally dysregulated or struggling with a task. I’ve gotten o good at masking and self coping. If someone notices that I’m struggling emotionally, or with a task, and they ask if I need help, I either shut down and go mute, or I get annoyed with them.
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! This hit on every angle. It’s so frustrating when someone else can spell out what you’ve been spending your whole life trying to understand.
One thing to watch out for, if you're like this and you're also a perfectionist, is that over time you start to believe that everyone is an idiot and incompetent! If you've been doing everything yourself, it's only natural to learn to do so many things yourself and to get good at them. But this doesn't mean that everybody is an idiot! This can lead to some really toxic behaviors and make it even harder to let people get close to you! I know for sure that I'm guilty of this...
The feeling of being alone is a very heavy burden to carry. I wish more people understood how much we NEED other people to navigate this big world.
I crave friendship. It is so difficult to make friends/keep friends as an older adult. There is a friendly person at work that I would love to get closer to but she has her little circle of friends established and seems closed off to having anyone join. I don't know if maybe I just don't make the grade or that she just isn't wanting any more friends. I do feel unworthy sometimes. And lonely. But I also don't want to be pushy. I want to be wanted for myself. Being an adult is hard.
I’m feeling the same way and constantly thinking about how many people in my past have let me down or not shown up. It feels like this thought process has really stunted making friends or even connecting with others in general. We could be friends and already have Kati in common 😊
Same,. It's hard talking to people sometime 😢
crying the whole damn video. This is so me. 49 yr old and i'm doing it all alone. Always pushing everyone away. I'm the oldest daughter too
*hugs*
I'm the oldest too, at 50 I have this and so many more stacked ontop, I still feel there's hope for a connection someday. 😢
we were neglected and disappointed so bad that we became so numb which then lead us not expecting anything from people; for example: for them to have our backs.
if only we were cared about, loved, and helped when we were young; the way we act around responsibilities and deal with the weight of the world would definitely be different.
Severe childhood neglect didn't make me "feel like" no one could be trusted or relied upon. It taught me that this is an undeniable truth for me. I have to do everything myself because there is no one else, and if i were to let someone else do it, it would be done incorrectly. The best part of this knowledge is that it doesn't apply to nearly everybody else. They take care of each other just fine. Only me that's abhorrent. I do see the end of the tunnel, though.
I feel like high intelligence can lead to this hyperindependence since it makes it so that most people are unable to understand or comprehend you while also making it seem like others are not as competent as you so you don't trust them to carry out tasks
I was literally falling apart this morning because it is overwhelming that it's all on my shoulders. I am physically on my own so I have to do everything. Then I turn on TH-cam and here's this video.
This fact that I am on my own is made worse because I am hyper-independent. And when I have tried letting people in, entering into community, opening myself up...I am met with disappointment and I find myself having to start over.
It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
And experience showed me that i CANT rely on others.
I expected to see some relevance to this video but wasn't expecting to be so called out by it. As someone else mentioned if things are stressful /chaotic (where my adhd is often an asseet) I don't have the ability (and sometimes patience to explain to others what needs to be done). It will cause me more stress to stop, slow my thoughts down and explain it to them (especially if they have no familiarity) then it will be to tell them I got it, step past them and get it done. All the time I'd love eto be alble to delegate it but that requires I trust them to know how "it needs to be done"
I had stuff in my childhood but I now feel it’s more an issue of neurodivergence. I’m different and people don’t choose me. I’ve ended up on my own against my efforts and wishes. I have lived with a string of difficult room mates. I am so grateful the newest roomies are great. We cook together sometimes and it’s a blessing to have.
People in general don't choose me, so when someone does, I'm afraid that asking for help or being "difficult" in any way will be used as an excuse for acceptance to turn to rejection. Expressing needs will cause people to drop me like a hot rock.
@ I understand those feelings. Be gentle with yourself
The pain of being let down has wounded me deeply
Exceedingly difficult to move past issues that were caused by some form of trauma during our formative years......I seldom see anyone make that "quantum leap." Rather, most of us try everything we can, then finally just learn ways to cope the best we can. My hope is that someday, somehow, we find ways to ensure no child transitions into adulthood burdened with issues that perpetually sabotage his/her best efforts and limits their ability to love and be loved. One can only hope.
hyper-independence, never heard about this word, no I have it. Live like that for decades, ruined my life by 100%. I don't trust anybody anymore, even not therapists, because I had many very disappointing ones.
The feeling that our life is ruined is excellent since it can be one of points of entry, like a thread that we can "follow". Not like in some conceptual sense, not to make up some philosophy that reframes our life to make it better, but to feel that upset for the sake of feeling it, and neither making it go away nor artificially wallow in it. Kind of just feel it like we feel sun on our skin. Things like journaling, art therapy, meditation, etc are all way to sort of stay with it in some way and then learn to channel it
At the end of the day, from a detached 3rd person perspective, all of it relates to survival and self protection. So any strong recoil, judgment, regret, craving, disgust, etc in that area is useful to feel and poke on emotional level, even though it sucks completely. The harder and more offensive it is, the more useful it can be
And even having a therapist betray you can be "useful" in that sense. Not to artificially induce some thing and learn to enjoy it or persevere or dissociate, but to fully go through it while in the back of your mind sometimes recalling that this is just make belief, like a dream. Therapists aren't real people in our life, they are hired characters that help us with zero negative impact on our real life, whatever they are doing doesn't actually affect our survival, it's a role play. Going through grief due to betrayal by a therapist fully and honestly allows you to see yourself and reconnect with yourself, while the actual impact of that relationship is null and so you are free to experiment
@NJ-wb1cz well said. Funny tho, my therapist actually did end up becoming a real person in my life...
She just doesn't know it yet. 😉😊
@NJ-wb1cz such a nonsens writes only someone, who is not experiencing such a bad life, or makes (himself) up something
@@mattesrocket I'm talking from personal experience. And my starting point was so much mistrust and independence that I had what I now see as full blown wide ranging paranoia, which is why even having therapists or any real relationships was completely unconscionable, and I was only ever dealing with it on my own for decades.
You don't have to agree, but you could try getting into regular meditation and then I to experimenting with how you relate to your feelings. It's about processes, not any conceptual understanding, and "simply" feeling our feelings in the right way changes them and ourselves over time.
What have you got to lose?...
@@renzo_kookin4208 Nah, people are only real if we have a total mutual understanding. The less mutual it is, the more we actually see ourselves projected on others.
Which can be useful in itself, but isn't a relationship.
Though it can be a foundation for an unhealthy attachment, like between a co-dependent person and avoidant. Both people in that case are projections of the needs of the other person, and this often leads to explosive on and off relationships that are intoxicating that seemingly feel right, but also are unhealthy or unsustainable
My problem is I don’t even think “help” exists, like it doesn’t even occur to me that that is a possibility in life so it’s not that I deny it to myself but I don’t even realize that it is a thing
This is so true. When I'm dealing with anything, I'm thinking "What can I do to solve this" and not "I might need help with this". However, I've made some new friends a few years ago who show interest in what I'm doing with my free time, and every now and then will suggest ways in which they could help me. And I've learned to pause and see if I feel like I want/need the help, or if maybe I don't need what they suggest but there is a different way they can support me. Seriously, having the right people in your circle makes so much of a difference!
Kati, I am the eldest brother and young general of the family. Most decisions run through me to open up and lay out my plans. In my stubbornness, I refuse to give input. So, naturally I seek out NPCs for side quests to carefully immerse myself into the wild to become invisible. Then BAM! I come charging in with a burst of confidence. Regretfully, my charge has led to an uprising in the cabinets and drawers. I have since been deligated to an island with humanoid creatures that live underground. They don't appear dangerous, but rather indifferent to my presence. Kati, you'd marvel at the way they can move. It's as if they've a key to the sea! By night they hunt with such speed dreams are devoured before I wake! I don't know how long I'll be here, but thank you for listening to my mysterious ordeal. May you have a Happy New Year.
I am definitely hyper-independent. For example, I'm supposed to get a medical procedure but I need a ride who stays there through it. I won't ask anybody to do that so I just haven't done the procedure.
I lived deep in the closet for decades, so the part about feeling seen plays a huge role in this. I had to rely only on myself because I couldn't (wouldn't) let others in. I do everything alone now.
I hired on a nurse for an upcoming surgery because I don’t have anyone to pick me up. Be good to yourself, life is precious and you are worthy
❤❤❤
Yes I was abandoned by a parent and neglected by the other. Hyper independent but now I'm earning well and self actualised, at peace, love myself. It's smart to have savings for emergencies even if you think you have friends.
This definitely describes me. Unfortunately I've been dumped by my closest friend (after 30 yrs of friendship) & my last therapist, who "wanted to cut down her hours". I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a new person ever again & I certainly can't trust therapists again. It sucks to be alive as the world ends all around you & all the other humans ignore what's happening.
It's like your invisible. Or everyone can see they just don't care. Sometimes I want to burn it all down , and heal the world at the same time. 😢
It's true. We can only rely on ourselves. There is no need to ask for help because people will just let you down. Gotta take care of your own crap. No matter what you think no one will be there for you. The quicker you realize it the better. Plus we're all just burdens anyway. I have no idea why people think being by yourself means you are lonely. You can be alone and not be lonely. You are all you need in life.
Hope you are safe in LA and your house doesnt burn down. Greetings from Berlin. Great Video. 😊
I love the new vibe and look. You look absolutely beautiful, too. Wishing you all the best in 2025 Katie ❤
I call myself “pathologically self-sufficient,” and it almost killed me. I’m working on it.
Search for help before it really kills you.
I had a friend who was learned to refuse to ask for help in childhood. Later he became ill and didnt want medical support what eventually caused his death.
If I am alone I cannot be lonely. Loneliness occurs only when surrounded by people.
Been saying that for years
Oh hyper-independence my biggest flaw... once even terminated my rent to escape a custody case (initiated by my parents with falsified medical records) as I deemed my freedom so important that I'd rather live on the street than let anyone have control over me...
Not sure if it's hyper independence or just independence. I check three boxrs, (1) "Emotional Neglect" in the manner of not to be too needy, "Aw, c'mon, grow up!", "want affection, earn it". (2) "Pufferfishing", I like that expression. At times I could also be a sea urchin. (3) "Not feeling seen, heard or understood" that's like a red ribbon running through my life, even though I don't want to be seen too much, on occasion I'd rather fade into the wallpaper.
It took me many years to be able to ask for help, which I can do now but it still feels odd, like I do not want to molest people.
I try to use my ancestors natives traditional healers as my anchor to check myself up from the neck up, even though I feel the pressure of being the oldest in my siblings (my hyper independence truly can affected me) when I over focused and forgetting to connect the dots to all the important tasks at hand not paying attention where to get off or where to get on, learning to accept being lost, its helpful to ask for help even though I don't trust others, its important to seek help no matter what.
Thank you, Lovely Kati. I, and my husband, find this meaninful and quite relatable.
It’s so validating to hear this.
I know that I can't rely on my immediate family for help, because I've asked them and they ignored me. They're pretty toxic so I've distanced myself 🤷♀️ And friends say they'll help then forget or just don't do it. The feeling of being forgotten about and having help refused is crushing. I do still try, but there are very few reliable people in my life.
* You had parents who said "You should be able to do that yourself (at your age)."
* You had parents who would help you but acted really put out by it, like it was a major burden and/or you were just trying to annoy them.
* Your parents' help came with so many strings and conditions attached that it wasn't worth it.
* Your parents would help you but they never let you forget it; accepting help meant you were indebted to them.
Then there's spending a lifetime being let down by people who said they'd be there for you and weren't, so you just give up asking for help.
I'm not afraid of letting people help. They just rarely know how to do anything!
Most people are shockingly unskilled.
Thank you
“We are going to start acting like no one is going to care” - it ain’t acting. This is learning to cope in a totally uncaring and selfish society. It’s a culture that has stolen the foundation of how we are supposed to exist. We all inter- are, but today it is separation and isolation for the good of the almighty economy.
For >10y had a co-worker who refused to ask for instruction if something was unclear.
He would rather spend 3 hours searching on the internet, than asking me and get the answer in 5 minutes.
Working with him was hell.
It wasn't 3 hours. At least it seemed like you had patience.
Solid advice as always. Thank you Kati!
I've come to the conclusion that I don't know how to make friends with people who actually engage in mutually supportive relationships. I have a spare ticket to an event, and literally noone to go with, while others flock to rally around mean girls. I honestly don't get it, and I no longer have faith in anyone either. If you do let them do something for you, they turn around at some point and call you a user. You do stuff for other people and they take you for granted, and still don't treat you like a friend that means anything. I'm at the point I'm pretty sure I'm just broken and noone likes me.
Thanks for eradicating all my doubts whether this concept applies to me 😅😅
Thanks Kati for sharing this with us❤it will help me for sure
Hi Kati! Could you make a video on the opposite? As in being too DEPENDENT? Anything from dependence on others to do things for you due to lack of confidence or whatever, to being too dependent on others for their thoughts and opinions on things and not trusting yourself. Would love to hear your thoughts!
Amazing video, thank you! More videos plsss surrounding this topic!
I feel l always have to be on top of everyones emotions..more than everything... I hate the burden of letting people in.. I "owe" something ... from toxic words like "after ALL I have done for youuu".. I hate feeling indebt to people.. I feel my needs are a burden so I do it myself... etc... I know its not the case but the core belief is there..
I could never be that way.
Just like we have the March of Dimes- and they save my life, we are all interdependent
Just re played this video, I too am new to this term; very interesting.
sounds great, sadly if I stop being the emotional rock my immediate family breaks apart, no more family and all "friends" went away, not time for an 40yr old autistic guy, and that seems to be also the case for the rest of the world; folk get married and have kids and add full-time jobs, nobody over 25 has time for new friends, even less with someone with little to relate to and uninterested in: their marriage, their kids or their work; which is 100% of their lives. Not wanting or asking for help sounds great, when compared to having none, in part because I started asking for a bit and when even a little was required and wasn't me the one doing all the effort, everyone ran away to their "more important" things. Life doesn't leave time and energy to help others outside their direct family.
I mean, when the evidence that the help wont be there is overwhelming...it
s evidence based reality at that point
Hyper-independence is tough in romantic relationship.
Truth!!
저도 제 인생에서 만난 좋은 사람들을 밀어내지 말고 절대 놓치지 않고싶어욧!!!
When I ask for help no one helps but when I get hurt then everyone concern what is up with this world
Ive only had me to rely on for the past 16 years,my husband passed away and everyone walked away from me and my two kids who were 4 and 7 then, noone would help me, i had already walked away from my toxic family, im 58 now and today a nurse told me I was two old to make friends, when she ask if i had any one to help me with my disability my children have moved out and live far away, they can only come see me twice a year , I know im too old to make freinds she didnt have to say it, i quit helping people 10 years ago cause they always said no, its been ok until i got older and disabled ive just acceppted it
I can't believe a nurse said that to you. You are never too old to meet friends. She must be wounded in her own way. I know it gets harder to meet friends, but never too old. Best wishes for healing and connections to you.
This is how I am with my mom and my sibling.
I was fine before I started studying psychology. Now I see just how toxic everyone is. Going no contact is bad (isolation). Staying is bad (enduring abuse/narcissism). Psychology is contradictory.
5/5. Could be 100/5.
Thank you
You're welcome 😊
toxic independence is a big problem in society
how come you are describing me so painfully on target?
Never ask anybody for help. Never accept assistance from anybody. You will pay far more for your assistance than you could ever imagine. Do it yourself and nobody will hold anything over you and say, "You owe me for the assistance I gave you a few months back!" You will regret asking for assistance. It may take longer alone. But, the job will be done right and without any sort of residual after effects. I will never ask any sort of help from anybody ecer again, unless it is a life or death situation.
Every time I’ve asked for help I got kicked
🙏
Wow I didn't know I had this 😢
🙏🙏💛
Theo Von is awesome, and I appreciate your work too!
Can you play us something on the guitar in the background? 😮😂
❤❤❤
It’s a type of avoidance
All of this fits for me excpet i really didnt think i was neglected or anyhing .. Could this is also just happen in a normal upbringing?
Um , i behave a certain way that you spoke, but cuz my family is neurodivergent , im audhd, im not sure i really got anything from this.
I need help, but i dont know what or how to ask.
I don’t see a choice for older single guys, perhaps other older guys but that’s still iffy.
Is there a Male Version of the Older Daughter Syndrome?
So. Tre praying JMJ
🥲
Why would you be hyper independent?
No man is an island.
Human beings are social
So what you're saying is you just don't get it? Maybe you should watch the video again.
but if you trust nobody anymore, you try to be hyper independent
Because when you've been raised from the beginning to never ask for help. You've been ridiculed for being too needy or told how abhorrent it is that you actually asked for help. You are expected to tow the line and be there when you are needed because after all you owe the family, no one else, just you. So you get things done and you realize that being alone is all that bad. At least you don't have to hear all the derogatory words of being a failure or whatever...
Kati literally explained why in the video 🤦🏼♀️
Here we have an example of the kind of person who thinks mental health disorders are a choice.