It's apparent in hindsight. Most survivors only piece it all together after the relationship had ended, as we have a tendency to heal through understanding it all.
So true he love bombed me then he made me feel terrible like I was terrible person. I remember when my brother died he said sorry but lol he had bad meat and was in the bano all night like my loss was not important. Then he lied told me his mother died then two years later his mom showed up I don't get that action. As my mother said from his mouth to God's ears
I had performed so many mental gymnastics in order to understand her point of view I was quite certain I played a significant role in shitting away our relationship it wasn't until the after and her incomprehensible behavior toward me that led me to investigate what sort of creature had I encountered.
@@kathrynstewart-mcdonald That's certainly a twist on elder abuse. You sure it's not dementia, or anger for being incapable? Narcissism serves no purpose in elderly folk. It doesn't have appeal any more because people don't react as much to them. Try not to react and starve them of a response maybe?
I did some nasty, out of character things too. Narcs sure have a way of bringing out the worst in you. That said, I'd *always* apologize, take full responsibility and try my best to fix the situation, while my ex would put her feet up and revel in it. She, on the other hand, was incapable of doing wrong- EVER, and would fire up that gas light anytime I tried to call her out on something. That's more or less how I realized the relationship was toxic and would drive me crazy if I stayed any longer. I can handle some amount of drama, but if a grown-ass adult can't communicate and be honest with you, it's never gonna work.
They constantly do abusive things but whenever you say something that's slightly critical you become the mean one that is torturing them. They put you in an environment where you have to suffer the devaluing they are throwing at you, but also walk on eggshells at the same time. Over months and years you gradually become more and more restricted, which leads to feeling depressed, insecure and having a lack of belief in your own perception of the world.
Yeah me too. They bring the worst out in you for sure and then they will never let you forget. I got frustrated at her lies and dropped a couple of F bombs (not my proudest moment). I apologised a couple of days later but she still used it as part of her devaluing on her discard. (she had to make it quick, she knew I'd seen her mask slip). They are INSIDIOUS to the core!
Thank you. This was exactly my story. I thought I was going crazy and I had done something terrible. I also got the I love you, babe. Come over in a few days, I’ll make you dinner…. Silence for over a week. No dinner, nothing. It was done. And then the psychological war on me began. I’m still in it, but I can tell the end is almost here. My replacements are in full force. 🙏🏼
Jess Stanley you are my hero. I typed in "my husband keeps disappearing" and discovered your channel. I literally sat there with my mouth wide open in awe. You were telling my story. You saved my life, by giving me the tools to heal, or move towards healing. Although it still hurts, I have accepted what he is, and how he tortured my soul, like you said. Thank you so much for what you do💜
I bet he had already found new supply and was just waiting for a "reason" to start devaluing you because they don't usually start that crap until they have found new supply. Then they use the "reason" so they can make it "your fault." So when you were having a bad day and he started complaining about you being negative, most likely he had already found new supply (as, of course, they get bored quickly/easily) and was just waiting for you to give him a "reason." At that point, any little thing will do.
Mine was incessant with the condescending comments, attitude, & insults. All baiting tactics to get me to respond so she could gaslight & play the victim of how awful & abusive I was. Thankfully I've been through this before & knew what was going on. She got her discard when I told her we were done & my only responses became calling out the pathological behaviors as they would happen. Forced her to go as no contact as possible. She's still trying to get revenge but once you know what's you're dealing with it's the same playbook as all the others.
yep. diabolical. no hitting or yelling. just sociopathic soul murder. mental health severely affected. i hear you, and sadly, concur with the absolute torture of it. yet, we are all survivors. 💛✊🏼
I always had this thought in the back of my mind that he'd destroy me if I got too close. Had a long distance, 11 year on again, off again relationship with who I now know to be a covert narcissist. Thankfully we were never in the same state. He made sure of that. But he still mind f'ed me from afar. Glad to have the clarity now.
I think it's important to realize that emotional and psychological abuse is very harmful and damaging also. This is appreciated, because when we aren't being hit or screamed at, it can be so confusing. It can promote codependent amnesia. Thank you for all your hard work!!
I am going through it now. He takes everything out on me. Then he blames me if I have any kind of reaction to his devaluing, name calling, and bullying.
I totally feel you sister. I in the same position. I find myself always wanting to show him I love and care but he consistently is acting the bully, then I remove myself or try to confront him in a calm way and with concern, explaining I want to have things work but his behaviour is unsustainable to me... And then it is always me creating this issue. We are not allowed to react to anything other than being happy smiling all the time and doing what they want when they want.. but the more I have tried that the more it is clear he just wants control and for me to be unhappy... Because nothing I do is enough.
You must go total NO CONTACT with these types of people. It’s the only path to healing. These people are disordered. Always remember that . They are not normal.
I’m so glad you shared your story. There were so many details that are like mine. What is up with narcissists and birthdays, btw? That’s got to be a giant giveaway that someone in your life is a narc when they can’t act like a decent person on your birthday. Mine actually texted me on my birthday just to complain about their job.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Jess, you're an inspiration. The most common form of devaluing I receive is never being asked what's going on in my life after sincerely showing interest in other people that are my supposed "friends" and family. Sometimes narcissistic abuse can be subtle and dampens my spirit very gradually, it's not always obvious. Please keep up the great work, you have a unique voice and personality that's appreciated.
They will also compliment other people (but not you) and remember their birthdays (but not yours). A kind of quiet devaluing, not always in what they do but also in what they don't do.
You have no idea how much I needed this right this moment. Thank you! I am knee deep in the discard from my covert narc husband. Thank you for helping me not feel crazy and alone 🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing Jess, your story is a bit similar to mine. The love bombing stopped after two months as soon as I told him I loved him. It was like he got what he wanted he could stop now. Then the devaluing started and got worse and worse. We ended a few times but I went back with each hoover. Each time was worse. I knew I had to walk away but the trauma bond is awful, however his behaviour had killed any love I had for him so at the very end it was easy to finally leave. He made a fool of himself in front of me and some friends I told him this and I caused a huge narc injury, with him telling me to F off if I didn’t like what I saw. So I did he had finally given me the push I needed to get out the situation, I won’t call it relationship as it wasn’t that towards the end, not sure what it was but it was a mess. I since ran into him and he couldn’t even look at me, which is good as I know he will leave me alone now. He knows I know what he is and he will never get supply from me again, plus no doubt he has new supply now, keeping him busy, long may she keep him.
More I listen to those kind of videos more I come to conclusion that it doesn’t matter if your partner is a narcissist or not ! If he or she is a selfish prick, RUN !
Thank you Jess. I experienced almost exactly what you went through. Never before in my life have I ever experienced anything like this and I’m in my late 50s. These people are ruthless and just downright mean and uncaring. She ended up pushing me off the deep end and I went crazy which I normally don’t do and I was devalued that I was the crazy one and even to the point where she called me the narcissist. I called her out on it. It’s really amazing and quite the learning experience. Am I close to healing or being healed yet? Hell no! But videos from you and others on TH-cam or helping me realize what in the hell I just experienced several months ago. Normally after a break up I’m over it after a month of this one that’s been something different. Thank you for your insight😇
I think the most valuable idea to come from sharing is the knowledge, so that we can drop kick the abuser early next time...and there will likely be a next time because awesome people attract opportunists. What keeps us in is the idea that we can fix it and get back to love. Now we know that with the first devalue...when we know they're not on our side...then we can drop and ditch. Thank you for sharing this. Your channel Is a service.
Thank you Jess for sharing your story. It helps me understand what I went through clearly was 100% pure narcissist abuse. I Was love bombed For about year and half and then devalued, gaslighted, blamed for decades after that ( 25 years) and all this time I bore the brunt of his anger, rage, blameshift with constant degradation of my self esteem. Wish I had know that this is not the way partner is supposed to behave with you. Few crumbs followed by narcissistic abuse . I wish I do not blame myself so much all the time, thinking again I am not good enough or not doing another thing right. It was a vicious cycle . His womanizing kept on increasing steadily over the years all the time I would be hurt while he was busy chasing, drooling, spending time, texting, dancing , going to clubs with other women and saying it’s all in my head “ when I could clearly see his acts” in the end he planned and got me and my son out of my own house with minimum down on the news house and a 30 year mortgage to be transferred to me. The Bas….. did not even mention about divorce or his new supply ( kept her hidden) till I was out in the new small apartment and then he refused to come and said he wanted divorce cos we did not get along …. Only for me to find his new supply was already there. That supply to knew about me being married but still went on with him. Now after Goung through denial , anger ,self blame came to know that I was always right. I was
@10:00 - let's give each other space means: "I can go have fun without your scrutiny and you can have time to miss me so when I get back you'll act right"
Thanks for that insight! Very interesting what an impact a narc can have on someone's behaviour, mental stability etc. Often they provoke us to behave badly so they can deny any guilt and let it appear as we destroyed it by our self which makes all the other bad feelings, you may already have even more worst.
Thank you Jess! This video is quite helpful! I remember how I was blindsided, as she made her proclamation!!!! (I'm leaving you!) I was given no explanation why or the narcs reasoning.... prior to the discard I was blamed, as you were, for her cheating and adultery, and just about everything, including the dents and scratches on her car....(that was really crazy!) There were a lot of insidious things she did that to this day I'm still trying to unravel, mostly in finances and assets, etc..Interestingly, a lot of what you described here I went through with the narcissist! Some of it is still inexplicable to me. I think you're right! They (she) have/has many characteristics of sociopathic and psychopathic behavior. I remember finding your subscription on TH-cam shortly after you started and I was just kind of in the beginning of trying to figure out what the hell just happened....😱 you've helped me and others so much....Personally, I find your stories about what you went through to be extremely helpful as I am still going through hell with everything. Anyway, thanks a lot for doing everything that you're doing to help us! By the way, this is a great video! 👍 Lots of love to you, Jess ❤️🙏🕊 PS! She always and constantly told me that I was being negative and I just couldn't understand why! Was she mirroring her own negativity? hmmm!
I can relate to the ex narc I divorced intentionally “forgetting “ and always sabotaging and ruining my birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversaries , all Holidays, my children’s birthdays,………..
Thank you for your videos, I can relate to your situation you were in ! I was in one very similar. Your videos are great I don’t feel like I’m the one now ! But I have learned I would rather be alone then deal with a narcissist again! God bless you always
Soul was tortured. This. I was so scared and traumatised, I got night terrors and trauma despite not lifting a finger on me too. Thanks for sharing this. Because I thought I was crazy and wrong, (or just being "triggered" or "overreacting" as he would say) how could I not endure (been through so much b4) and be pushed so far...
It's takes a toll doesn't it?! I've not slept properly since the last time we were together! In the beginning I could hardly bring myself to eat! I'm on anti depressants now too. I might have found it easier to actually have been physically hit, that would of left a mark... Something to explain. The mental scarring is torture. I didn't know who I was after I left
@@wattsymusicandfilm Oh yes I understand you deeply. I revealed very little of its effects in my life in my post, so yeah I tottally get where you are coming from, and Im so sorry for you and me both having to live through daily, and nightly, its long term effects. I would say I hope you get healing and brighter life, but I know from personal experience hoping does very little, but I do hope a virtual hug from afar helps to know someone is here valudating you and on your side, and has been in one way or another in a similar situation and still struggling the aftermath that just feels like an unfair life sentance. Look after yourself thats all I can really say I guess ❤💙💜💛💫
@@leahc8347 thankyou. Virtual hug right back to you too. It still amazes me how many people I have discovered that are going through this. I never imagined I would be. I loved her completely, she has almost destroyed me, but I can't let her. Take care of yourself and best of luck for the future 😊
I left that over a yr ago, I listened to your story for 5 min, I actually got sick to my stomach being in that same situation... even though private to your life you have a voice to everyone , you helped me and thousands of others.💕🏆thank you for sharing!!!
Your story is so similar to mine, Jess. Your channel has been a great source of strength in getting past the emotional/verbal abuse (and cheating) from my ex-narc. Love ya!
Thank you for sharing.. your story sounds exactly the same as mine.. even after leaving 2 years ago I still am hurt by the betrayal and shitty way I was treated so badly and the fact I didn’t deserve any of it
Hello Jess, northern minnesota, listening in again. Hey this podcast really resonates with me. My wife has been lieing to me for 38 years now.going on 39 .She has definitely been diabolical.Knieving,deceving,betraying,untrusting,just pure evil.I never knew that a man's wife could be so cruel and cold hearted.Lie and cheat, cheat and lie. Time after time.Never any accountability. Wow I really can't believe it.Shes really sick. Hey Jess thanks for all your help,Take care,keep healthy,lots of love to you.
Your story sounds like mine. Thank you for sharing. When I questioned his actions I got “I’m doing nothing wrong “. I was purposely excluded and it was my fault because of my behavior. It’s over now for real, so it’s time for me to work on myself.
Thanks for sharing and being honest. I think survivors of these encounters don’t share that part often, about they became someone else as a result of the abuse and trauma bond that they aren’t proud of. This is something I can relate to very heavily. The hyper vigilance in the final 6 months, of a near 10 year experience with a female Bird. Yeah, I wasn’t in a good place. Turned out though, i was right, she was having an affair and smearing me to friends and family. But, I became someone who didn’t trust her at all and questioned and triple guessed almost everything she was or wasn’t telling me after I caught her out in one big lie. And this suited her right down to a T, as when she finally got caught out, in fact just before she said I was “too controlling, paranoid and mentally unwell,”. Something she never could have said before, now she was using my reaction and questioning and doubt to prove to others, and even to me, that I was crazy. She was telling me this, what was she telling others? In the end, I finally had to go no contact, as she showed me she had no limits she was willing to do in order to destroy my voice and name in order to save her own. Also she was trying to shame me into silence and compliance. The devaluing. Wow. How long had that been going on for? Like you, it was happening from early on, what point exactly, it becomes hard to say. It yo-yo’d in effect from constant put downs and brow beating to then things being ok for a short time, then the cycle would start anew. Like you, anything and everything I said and did went from being understood and liked to now being criticised and chastised on a daily basis. Varying in intensity through out the near 10 year period. I would have said the final 1.5 years was the worst, and from year 6 leading Upto to year 10 was a hard slog. To go over it all, I’d need to write a novel. It’s enough to say, she was incredibly toxic and mentally abusive and emotionally neglectful. A compulsive liar, and likely what I would regard as a sociopath also with how she could manipulate and lie to my face while spinning the story on me as being at fault. Meanwhile she knew full well she was lying and being abusive but her fragile ego couldn’t face that social stigma.
I totally appreciate your story. Thank you for telling it. Many videos give all kinds of facts, etc. about narcissism, but to hear the person's actual experiences and how they dealt with it is most helpful. I've been 50 years with my narc husband and for the most part it's been hell, a mental hell. He's been an excellent provider and father, but has mentally devalued me in so many ways. Videos such as yours help so very much. He's spent all our money, so I really can't leave. I'm stuck. BUT, I plan to make HIS life difficult now by trying as hard as possible to ignore him, spend no time around him and fill my life with my 4 wonderful kids and my fabulous grandkids.
Wow Thanku for sharing this. I know now that I am not crazy! What you went through is exactly what I went through and like you say there is much much more. It’s nice to actually hear someone else’s story like that rather than just hearing what a narcissist is, does or says. They are fucking sick! I love listening to your channel you make me laugh too xx
Gotta love the "we don't see each other enough" lmao! In my case, he always had some drama going on and either canceled plans or was constantly late. I also grayrocked. I think after awhile, you start to reciprocate what you're getting from him.
Thanks Jess, good video... 4 months NC, WASTED 14 years of my life... but at least I know I wasn't crazy and my INTUITION WAS RIGHT, should have listened to it sooner
Thx for Sharing Jess, i had a similar story he was depressed the whole time, and i used all my effort to make things better around him. He was cheating as Well, and had a relationship, beside with our daughters friend. I left but it was so hard and confusing, he needed time and all that stuff, my godness i am so gratefull for all the knwledge i have gathered on the Channels, it helped me prevent, and see what was going on. Thank you🙏🙏🙏
So sorry for what you went through, Jess. You didn't deserve that..any of it. The silver lining of that cloud is that you are now stronger than ever & helping so many others, including me, to pick up the pieces after going through similar circumstances & move on with our heads held high. Thank you.
Thanks Jess for sharing. That made me feel so good as I have dark events that happened during my devaluations stage. It’s so good to know that I’m not the only one with such experience, that also brings shame to yourself.
Thank you Jess-I was in the last situation for over 4 years-he never hit me either-but he threw things-broke things-yelled at me-threatened me and all the abusive behaviors that we can all relate to-hell-I got out last summer-best thing ever-appreciate your openness-and yes so many abuses happened-overwhelming and crushing but getting out and going NC is the only way forward🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️
I as a man have been through everything that you went through and I thought it was all my fault now I understand more thank you for helping me understand it wasn't me at all
thank you for sharing this, jess! so true that emotional and mental torture / abuse would be the worst and painful there would be. and the narc's deception somewhat really kills. i'm about to tell how my devaluation happened but i thought that there you have it already spoken for me, it's just incredibly so much the same. how she sabotaged my birthday, telling how negative i was,,, and so on until i snapped and just leave that so confusing relationship with the narc. now me being so thankful every time i watched your videos. and still have thoughts what, where i would be today if i haven't found your channel? i could be hoovered and a walking dead for sure. getting better each day now, thank you jess! stay awesome!
Thanks always , Jess, for your candid observations and sharing 💖✨ .. the worst thing they do is humiliate us on levels we didn’t know existed. See it 🚩 - Call it. ♥️🙏🏼
I’ve watched so many of your videos - they’re great. Thanks. This one really connected. Have gone no contact, still struggling to let go of the love bomb dream. Your videos have given me great perspective. Really appreciated
12:10, no Jess, it was NOT narcissistic on your part to behave that way. From what I've learnt I think it's called reactive abuse; you were driven to that. Ironically, the narcissist also ends up claiming that he/she was 'driven' to behave that way, just as he said his cheating was 'your fault'!!!😡
I was physically hurt but my dog got it worse. She mysteriously got her leg broken and I’ve been dealing with that ever since. It happened on a camping trip and then he played hero by paying for her surgery. Doesn’t matter after the fact, she experienced suffering and no one can imagine how I feel that I couldn’t protect her.
Jess your situation sounds very very similar to mines only she got me really quick as in married smh after that it was exactly what your saying I mean there's soooo many horrible things I went through and made me the same way you were acting so I totally understand at least you didn't get married but besides that your story is almost just like mines it's very sad that you had to go through that
I was hit as well as emotionally tormented. Just know that the narcissist is only cheating behind your back when you're giving him the silent treatment. Probably feeding off of a new supply.
Mine is literally like clockwork every 1-2 weeks. He comes back begging thru blocked apps, no caller Id, ect. I take him back and then I instantly start questioning my mistrust for him, he discards, blocks, waits it out. Repeat. I hate it.
The devaluing (in my case) was him yelling at me, very frequently interrupting me, I was convinced it was my fault because he yelled "see what you do?" so often. It dawned on me that I was being treated inhumanly when I asked "Can I tell you something?" he said yes, and I immediately asked "Will I be allowed to finish?" I'm crying now thinking of how I acted like a whooped little dog.
Wow, wow, wow. Remembering me breaks my heart. I want to stop listening now but I still need to hear more so this doesn't happen to me again. Especially have my ex narc come back or around. I just hate him so much some days. He didn't deserve me before and will never deserve me. I'm still very happy I was brave enough to get the fk out. I plan to stay away still...
A sum up sneak peek into what these relationships look and feel like. I wish more people were understanding of this even if they themselves have never lived it.
The trust issues caused me to treat him not so great for the last few months before the discard. I think most of us do this to protect ourselves. It doesn't always work.
I remember describing it as “ he is killing my Spirit , I am a survivor, I need to get out of this to survive, this is actually killing me” Boom, that was the thought that helped catapult me outta there, it was bye-bye. Took me a year. Married for 4 yrs., which was 4 yrs. too long. A. M. F.
+Jess Stanley Praise the LORD my earthly narcissistic father devalues everybody and everyone but Jess Stanley gives value to everybody and everyone. God bless. Agape love
It was like my life You are talking about with a covert narc (my opinion!) and he has done EVERY DAMNED THING and a lot more even more nasty things. It lasted for about 12 years together: First 10 year and I left him, I was singel 4 year and he hoover me in again for 2 year but I left him again for 1 year ago last year in september 2020. God to hear that You get rid of him and god for me that I at least realized that it wasn't wrong with me. It was him who has a disorder or several of those and that I can't save him. It is NOT my job to do anyway and I was nearly get to the bottom in my health because of what he did to me. At the last 2 years with him I started to read books and articles about disorder and about narcissism, sociopaths and psychopaths and as I know for now I see the patterns of everything he did. He is a covert narc and I do not want to live with him and I could even see my co dependent to this to. That is something I had to work with myself so I do not stock in something again with a partner in the future. But at least I saved my self and my health and I'm grateful for that 💗
I love it. A narcissist is basically someone who harms another person and then blames the other person for the harm caused.
Abso frickin lutely.
Exactly like it was for me
100% correct
🥺 so true
It's apparent in hindsight. Most survivors only piece it all together after the relationship had ended, as we have a tendency to heal through understanding it all.
So true he love bombed me then he made me feel terrible like I was terrible person. I remember when my brother died he said sorry but lol he had bad meat and was in the bano all night like my loss was not important. Then he lied told me his mother died then two years later his mom showed up I don't get that action. As my mother said from his mouth to God's ears
I had performed so many mental gymnastics in order to understand her point of view I was quite certain I played a significant role in shitting away our relationship it wasn't until the after and her incomprehensible behavior toward me that led me to investigate what sort of creature had I encountered.
Yup, I’ve been living the definition of “hindsight is 20/20.”
@@kathrynstewart-mcdonald That's certainly a twist on elder abuse. You sure it's not dementia, or anger for being incapable? Narcissism serves no purpose in elderly folk. It doesn't have appeal any more because people don't react as much to them. Try not to react and starve them of a response maybe?
Well said Shakes.
“Believe what you want. I know what I did and didn’t do”
Literally word for word.
It's just unbelievable how they can be so mean and just don't care. No Empathy.
I did some nasty, out of character things too. Narcs sure have a way of bringing out the worst in you. That said, I'd *always* apologize, take full responsibility and try my best to fix the situation, while my ex would put her feet up and revel in it. She, on the other hand, was incapable of doing wrong- EVER, and would fire up that gas light anytime I tried to call her out on something. That's more or less how I realized the relationship was toxic and would drive me crazy if I stayed any longer. I can handle some amount of drama, but if a grown-ass adult can't communicate and be honest with you, it's never gonna work.
They constantly do abusive things but whenever you say something that's slightly critical you become the mean one that is torturing them. They put you in an environment where you have to suffer the devaluing they are throwing at you, but also walk on eggshells at the same time. Over months and years you gradually become more and more restricted, which leads to feeling depressed, insecure and having a lack of belief in your own perception of the world.
Yeah me too. They bring the worst out in you for sure and then they will never let you forget.
I got frustrated at her lies and dropped a couple of F bombs (not my proudest moment). I apologised a couple of days later but she still used it as part of her devaluing on her discard. (she had to make it quick, she knew I'd seen her mask slip).
They are INSIDIOUS to the core!
3 months seems to be a common time limit.
Thank you. This was exactly my story. I thought I was going crazy and I had done something terrible. I also got the I love you, babe. Come over in a few days, I’ll make you dinner…. Silence for over a week. No dinner, nothing. It was done. And then the psychological war on me began. I’m still in it, but I can tell the end is almost here. My replacements are in full force. 🙏🏼
Jess Stanley you are my hero. I typed in "my husband keeps disappearing" and discovered your channel. I literally sat there with my mouth wide open in awe. You were telling my story. You saved my life, by giving me the tools to heal, or move towards healing. Although it still hurts, I have accepted what he is, and how he tortured my soul, like you said. Thank you so much for what you do💜
Girl, I'm right there with you 💛
This is extremely touching. Thank you so much.
@@JessStanley 🧡❤️💜
When i listen,i feel u tell my Story!!!
I bet he had already found new supply and was just waiting for a "reason" to start devaluing you because they don't usually start that crap until they have found new supply. Then they use the "reason" so they can make it "your fault." So when you were having a bad day and he started complaining about you being negative, most likely he had already found new supply (as, of course, they get bored quickly/easily) and was just waiting for you to give him a "reason." At that point, any little thing will do.
Mine was incessant with the condescending comments, attitude, & insults. All baiting tactics to get me to respond so she could gaslight & play the victim of how awful & abusive I was.
Thankfully I've been through this before & knew what was going on. She got her discard when I told her we were done & my only responses became calling out the pathological behaviors as they would happen. Forced her to go as no contact as possible. She's still trying to get revenge but once you know what's you're dealing with it's the same playbook as all the others.
yep. diabolical. no hitting or yelling. just sociopathic soul murder. mental health severely affected. i hear you, and sadly, concur with the absolute torture of it.
yet, we are all survivors. 💛✊🏼
I always had this thought in the back of my mind that he'd destroy me if I got too close. Had a long distance, 11 year on again, off again relationship with who I now know to be a covert narcissist. Thankfully we were never in the same state. He made sure of that. But he still mind f'ed me from afar. Glad to have the clarity now.
I think it's important to realize that emotional and psychological abuse is very harmful and damaging also. This is appreciated, because when we aren't being hit or screamed at, it can be so confusing. It can promote codependent amnesia. Thank you for all your hard work!!
I am going through it now. He takes everything out on me. Then he blames me if I have any kind of reaction to his devaluing, name calling, and bullying.
I totally feel you sister. I in the same position. I find myself always wanting to show him I love and care but he consistently is acting the bully, then I remove myself or try to confront him in a calm way and with concern, explaining I want to have things work but his behaviour is unsustainable to me... And then it is always me creating this issue. We are not allowed to react to anything other than being happy smiling all the time and doing what they want when they want.. but the more I have tried that the more it is clear he just wants control and for me to be unhappy... Because nothing I do is enough.
You must go total NO CONTACT with these types of people. It’s the only path to healing. These people are disordered. Always remember that . They are not normal.
Diabolical is the word I used. Yep. That what it is.
I’m so glad you shared your story. There were so many details that are like mine. What is up with narcissists and birthdays, btw? That’s got to be a giant giveaway that someone in your life is a narc when they can’t act like a decent person on your birthday. Mine actually texted me on my birthday just to complain about their job.
Mine just sabotaged Christmas after I had told him how excited I was about it. That was the end. I couldn't take it anymore.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Jess, you're an inspiration. The most common form of devaluing I receive is never being asked what's going on in my life after sincerely showing interest in other people that are my supposed "friends" and family. Sometimes narcissistic abuse can be subtle and dampens my spirit very gradually, it's not always obvious. Please keep up the great work, you have a unique voice and personality that's appreciated.
They will also compliment other people (but not you) and remember their birthdays (but not yours). A kind of quiet devaluing, not always in what they do but also in what they don't do.
@@myutube5882 Yes, very true! I hadn't thought of that.
You have no idea how much I needed this right this moment. Thank you! I am knee deep in the discard from my covert narc husband. Thank you for helping me not feel crazy and alone 🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing Jess, your story is a bit similar to mine. The love bombing stopped after two months as soon as I told him I loved him. It was like he got what he wanted he could stop now. Then the devaluing started and got worse and worse. We ended a few times but I went back with each hoover. Each time was worse. I knew I had to walk away but the trauma bond is awful, however his behaviour had killed any love I had for him so at the very end it was easy to finally leave. He made a fool of himself in front of me and some friends I told him this and I caused a huge narc injury, with him telling me to F off if I didn’t like what I saw. So I did he had finally given me the push I needed to get out the situation, I won’t call it relationship as it wasn’t that towards the end, not sure what it was but it was a mess. I since ran into him and he couldn’t even look at me, which is good as I know he will leave me alone now. He knows I know what he is and he will never get supply from me again, plus no doubt he has new supply now, keeping him busy, long may she keep him.
More I listen to those kind of videos more I come to conclusion that it doesn’t matter if your partner is a narcissist or not ! If he or she is a selfish prick, RUN !
I've been known for my direct truth bombs... but this, mam, take a bow lol
Thank you Jess. I experienced almost exactly what you went through. Never before in my life have I ever experienced anything like this and I’m in my late 50s. These people are ruthless and just downright mean and uncaring. She ended up pushing me off the deep end and I went crazy which I normally don’t do and I was devalued that I was the crazy one and even to the point where she called me the narcissist. I called her out on it. It’s really amazing and quite the learning experience. Am I close to healing or being healed yet? Hell no! But videos from you and others on TH-cam or helping me realize what in the hell I just experienced several months ago. Normally after a break up I’m over it after a month of this one that’s been something different. Thank you for your insight😇
@Pete Wass- same here. Sending you strength in your journey to peace & happiness again!
And why WE feel guilt when giving them taste of their own medicine
That's just because YOU have a God given conscience. They... DO NOT.
I think the most valuable idea to come from sharing is the knowledge, so that we can drop kick the abuser early next time...and there will likely be a next time because awesome people attract opportunists. What keeps us in is the idea that we can fix it and get back to love. Now we know that with the first devalue...when we know they're not on our side...then we can drop and ditch. Thank you for sharing this. Your channel Is a service.
Thank you Jess for sharing your story. It helps me understand what I went through clearly was 100% pure narcissist abuse. I Was love bombed For about year and half and then devalued, gaslighted, blamed for decades after that ( 25 years) and all this time I bore the brunt of his anger, rage, blameshift with constant degradation of my self esteem. Wish I had know that this is not the way partner is supposed to behave with you. Few crumbs followed by narcissistic abuse . I wish I do not blame myself so much all the time, thinking again I am not good enough or not doing another thing right. It was a vicious cycle . His womanizing kept on increasing steadily over the years all the time I would be hurt while he was busy chasing, drooling, spending time, texting, dancing , going to clubs with other women and saying it’s all in my head “ when I could clearly see his acts” in the end he planned and got me and my son out of my own house with minimum down on the news house and a 30 year mortgage to be transferred to me.
The Bas….. did not even mention about divorce or his new supply ( kept her hidden) till I was out in the new small apartment and then he refused to come and said he wanted divorce cos we did not get along …. Only for me to find his new supply was already there. That supply to knew about me being married but still went on with him.
Now after Goung through denial , anger ,self blame came to know that I was always right. I was
@10:00 - let's give each other space means: "I can go have fun without your scrutiny and you can have time to miss me so when I get back you'll act right"
Thank you for bravely sharing your story to help all of us.
Agree
Thanks for that insight! Very interesting what an impact a narc can have on someone's behaviour, mental stability etc. Often they provoke us to behave badly so they can deny any guilt and let it appear as we destroyed it by our self which makes all the other bad feelings, you may already have even more worst.
I forgot to say that it's so good that you were able to move on from that horrible monster before you were shackled to him for life!!!
Thank you Jess! This video is quite helpful! I remember how I was blindsided, as she made her proclamation!!!! (I'm leaving you!) I was given no explanation why or the narcs reasoning.... prior to the discard I was blamed, as you were, for her cheating and adultery, and just about everything, including the dents and scratches on her car....(that was really crazy!) There were a lot of insidious things she did that to this day I'm still trying to unravel, mostly in finances and assets, etc..Interestingly, a lot of what you described here I went through with the narcissist! Some of it is still inexplicable to me. I think you're right! They (she) have/has many characteristics of sociopathic and psychopathic behavior. I remember finding your subscription on TH-cam shortly after you started and I was just kind of in the beginning of trying to figure out what the hell just happened....😱 you've helped me and others so much....Personally, I find your stories about what you went through to be extremely helpful as I am still going through hell with everything. Anyway, thanks a lot for doing everything that you're doing to help us! By the way, this is a great video! 👍 Lots of love to you, Jess ❤️🙏🕊
PS! She always and constantly told me that I was being negative and I just couldn't understand why! Was she mirroring her own negativity? hmmm!
A lot of this sounds scarily familiar. They really do play out of the same handbook don't they.
Holy, crap Jess. . .very much of what you shared resonates and mimics what I’ve experienced. . .thank you for sharing . . . you are helping people!
This hits home on so many levels. Heart-wrenching.
I can relate to the ex narc I divorced intentionally “forgetting “ and always sabotaging and ruining my birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversaries , all Holidays, my children’s birthdays,………..
Thank you Jess ! Especially for “ he did a number on me “ ! I’m not crazy, I just need to snap back !
Thank you for your videos, I can relate to your situation you were in ! I was in one very similar. Your videos are great I don’t feel like I’m the one now ! But I have learned I would rather be alone then deal with a narcissist again! God bless you always
Soul was tortured. This.
I was so scared and traumatised, I got night terrors and trauma despite not lifting a finger on me too.
Thanks for sharing this. Because I thought I was crazy and wrong, (or just being "triggered" or "overreacting" as he would say) how could I not endure (been through so much b4) and be pushed so far...
It's takes a toll doesn't it?! I've not slept properly since the last time we were together! In the beginning I could hardly bring myself to eat! I'm on anti depressants now too. I might have found it easier to actually have been physically hit, that would of left a mark... Something to explain. The mental scarring is torture. I didn't know who I was after I left
@@wattsymusicandfilm Oh yes I understand you deeply. I revealed very little of its effects in my life in my post, so yeah I tottally get where you are coming from, and Im so sorry for you and me both having to live through daily, and nightly, its long term effects. I would say I hope you get healing and brighter life, but I know from personal experience hoping does very little, but I do hope a virtual hug from afar helps to know someone is here valudating you and on your side, and has been in one way or another in a similar situation and still struggling the aftermath that just feels like an unfair life sentance. Look after yourself thats all I can really say I guess ❤💙💜💛💫
@@leahc8347 thankyou. Virtual hug right back to you too. It still amazes me how many people I have discovered that are going through this. I never imagined I would be. I loved her completely, she has almost destroyed me, but I can't let her. Take care of yourself and best of luck for the future 😊
I left that over a yr ago, I listened to your story for 5 min, I actually got sick to my stomach being in that same situation... even though private to your life you have a voice to everyone , you helped me and thousands of others.💕🏆thank you for sharing!!!
Your story is so similar to mine, Jess. Your channel has been a great source of strength in getting past the emotional/verbal abuse (and cheating) from my ex-narc. Love ya!
Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Jess, you are helping people avoid terrible marriages and horrible divorces with these videos. Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing.. your story sounds exactly the same as mine.. even after leaving 2 years ago I still am hurt by the betrayal and shitty way I was treated so badly and the fact I didn’t deserve any of it
Hello Jess, northern minnesota, listening in again. Hey this podcast really resonates with me. My wife has been lieing to me for 38 years now.going on 39 .She has definitely been diabolical.Knieving,deceving,betraying,untrusting,just pure evil.I never knew that a man's wife could be so cruel and cold hearted.Lie and cheat, cheat and lie. Time after time.Never any accountability. Wow I really can't believe it.Shes really sick. Hey Jess thanks for all your help,Take care,keep healthy,lots of love to you.
Your story sounds like mine. Thank you for sharing. When I questioned his actions I got “I’m doing nothing wrong “. I was purposely excluded and it was my fault because of my behavior. It’s over now for real, so it’s time for me to work on myself.
EXACTLY! Everything you said Jess!
Thanks for sharing and being honest.
I think survivors of these encounters don’t share that part often, about they became someone else as a result of the abuse and trauma bond that they aren’t proud of.
This is something I can relate to very heavily.
The hyper vigilance in the final 6 months, of a near 10 year experience with a female Bird.
Yeah, I wasn’t in a good place.
Turned out though, i was right, she was having an affair and smearing me to friends and family.
But, I became someone who didn’t trust her at all and questioned and triple guessed almost everything she was or wasn’t telling me after I caught her out in one big lie.
And this suited her right down to a T, as when she finally got caught out, in fact just before she said I was “too controlling, paranoid and mentally unwell,”.
Something she never could have said before, now she was using my reaction and questioning and doubt to prove to others, and even to me, that I was crazy.
She was telling me this, what was she telling others?
In the end, I finally had to go no contact, as she showed me she had no limits she was willing to do in order to destroy my voice and name in order to save her own. Also she was trying to shame me into silence and compliance.
The devaluing.
Wow.
How long had that been going on for?
Like you, it was happening from early on, what point exactly, it becomes hard to say.
It yo-yo’d in effect from constant put downs and brow beating to then things being ok for a short time, then the cycle would start anew.
Like you, anything and everything I said and did went from being understood and liked to now being criticised and chastised on a daily basis.
Varying in intensity through out the near 10 year period.
I would have said the final 1.5 years was the worst, and from year 6 leading Upto to year 10 was a hard slog.
To go over it all, I’d need to write a novel.
It’s enough to say, she was incredibly toxic and mentally abusive and emotionally neglectful.
A compulsive liar, and likely what I would regard as a sociopath also with how she could manipulate and lie to my face while spinning the story on me as being at fault. Meanwhile she knew full well she was lying and being abusive but her fragile ego couldn’t face that social stigma.
I totally appreciate your story. Thank you for telling it. Many videos give all kinds of facts, etc. about narcissism, but to hear the person's actual experiences and how they dealt with it is most helpful. I've been 50 years with my narc husband and for the most part it's been hell, a mental hell. He's been an excellent provider and father, but has mentally devalued me in so many ways. Videos such as yours help so very much. He's spent all our money, so I really can't leave. I'm stuck. BUT, I plan to make HIS life difficult now by trying as hard as possible to ignore him, spend no time around him and fill my life with my 4 wonderful kids and my fabulous grandkids.
Wow Thanku for sharing this. I know now that I am not crazy! What you went through is exactly what I went through and like you say there is much much more. It’s nice to actually hear someone else’s story like that rather than just hearing what a narcissist is, does or says. They are fucking sick! I love listening to your channel you make me laugh too xx
Thanks Jess. Today was rough, i texted him a birthday message. Apparently he didn't find it pleasingly, no response.
Gotta love the "we don't see each other enough" lmao! In my case, he always had some drama going on and either canceled plans or was constantly late. I also grayrocked. I think after awhile, you start to reciprocate what you're getting from him.
This is so on point ! Their mission is to bring the worst out of you !
Thanks Jess, good video... 4 months NC, WASTED 14 years of my life... but at least I know I wasn't crazy and my INTUITION WAS RIGHT, should have listened to it sooner
Thx for Sharing Jess, i had a similar story he was depressed the whole time, and i used all my effort to make things better around him. He was cheating as Well, and had a relationship, beside with our daughters friend.
I left but it was so hard and confusing, he needed time and all that stuff, my godness i am so gratefull for all the knwledge i have gathered on the Channels, it helped me prevent, and see what was going on.
Thank you🙏🙏🙏
This video has helped me so much as far as coming to terms with my own devaluation. Thank you so much for sharing this.
This happened to me as well. It was a nightmare. So much gaslighting. We were engaged for two years, two weeks later I was replaced. Deviating.
Following you for some time now and this video made me understand why. Your story is exactly like mine! Only I’m still in…
So sorry for what you went through, Jess. You didn't deserve that..any of it.
The silver lining of that cloud is that you are now stronger than ever & helping so many others, including me, to pick up the pieces after going through similar circumstances & move on with our heads held high.
Thank you.
Agree
Thank you for sharing. Crazy shit... But that externally negative experience contributed a lot to you who you are today.
Thanks Jess for sharing. That made me feel so good as I have dark events that happened during my devaluations stage. It’s so good to know that I’m not the only one with such experience, that also brings shame to yourself.
Thank you! I know I needed to hear I am not crazy! It sucks but this abuse is real!
Thank you Jess-I was in the last situation for over 4 years-he never hit me either-but he threw things-broke things-yelled at me-threatened me and all the abusive behaviors that we can all relate to-hell-I got out last summer-best thing ever-appreciate your openness-and yes so many abuses happened-overwhelming and crushing but getting out and going NC is the only way forward🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️
I as a man have been through everything that you went through and I thought it was all my fault now I understand more thank you for helping me understand it wasn't me at all
thank you for sharing this, jess!
so true that emotional and mental torture / abuse would be the worst and painful there would be. and the narc's deception somewhat really kills. i'm about to tell how my devaluation happened but i thought that there you have it already spoken for me, it's just incredibly so much the same. how she sabotaged my birthday, telling how negative i was,,, and so on until i snapped and just leave that so confusing relationship with the narc. now me being so thankful every time i watched your videos. and still have thoughts what, where i would be today if i haven't found your channel? i could be hoovered and a walking dead for sure.
getting better each day now, thank you jess! stay awesome!
Thanks always , Jess, for your candid observations and sharing 💖✨ .. the worst thing they do is humiliate us on levels we didn’t know existed.
See it 🚩 - Call it. ♥️🙏🏼
So common .how they act . Amazing..Jess. Huggs
Jess - You are one of the most valuable people on yt. And, you are valuable to the Good Lord and to yourself and to many others. Always remember that.
Thank you very much
I’ve watched so many of your videos - they’re great. Thanks. This one really connected. Have gone no contact, still struggling to let go of the love bomb dream. Your videos have given me great perspective. Really appreciated
Hey, Jess, I appreciate the longer videos, keep them coming... the livestreams as well. Thanks for sharing again, have a great week
12:10, no Jess, it was NOT narcissistic on your part to behave that way. From what I've learnt I think it's called reactive abuse; you were driven to that.
Ironically, the narcissist also ends up claiming that he/she was 'driven' to behave that way, just as he said his cheating was 'your fault'!!!😡
Thank you Jess
Thanks for sharing your story Jess, really kinda of you to want to help others get through this 😊
I was physically hurt but my dog got it worse. She mysteriously got her leg broken and I’ve been dealing with that ever since. It happened on a camping trip and then he played hero by paying for her surgery. Doesn’t matter after the fact, she experienced suffering and no one can imagine how I feel that I couldn’t protect her.
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻♥️very touching
Jess your situation sounds very very similar to mines only she got me really quick as in married smh after that it was exactly what your saying I mean there's soooo many horrible things I went through and made me the same way you were acting so I totally understand at least you didn't get married but besides that your story is almost just like mines it's very sad that you had to go through that
Loved listening to your story 🥰xx
Thank You very much for sharing your own experience, Jess !!
I was hit as well as emotionally tormented. Just know that the narcissist is only cheating behind your back when you're giving him the silent treatment. Probably feeding off of a new supply.
It seems there are strawberries growing in that forest, strawberry leaves >
Thank you 🙏🏾
Mine is literally like clockwork every 1-2 weeks. He comes back begging thru blocked apps, no caller Id, ect. I take him back and then I instantly start questioning my mistrust for him, he discards, blocks, waits it out. Repeat. I hate it.
What i needed to hear...thank you..sounds very similar
you are my hero ❤thank you for your vidios God bless you
Wow… the great disappearing act… my ex was as good as Houdini.. and if I asked about it… I got the “I’m busy “ routine
All I can say is “thank God you did not have kids with that jerk”. You would have then been attached to the Narc for the next 18 years.
Love you JESS .. I had a similar story !
The devaluing (in my case) was him yelling at me, very frequently interrupting me, I was convinced it was my fault because he yelled "see what you do?" so often. It dawned on me that I was being treated inhumanly when I asked "Can I tell you something?" he said yes, and I immediately asked "Will I be allowed to finish?" I'm crying now thinking of how I acted like a whooped little dog.
Wow, wow, wow. Remembering me breaks my heart. I want to stop listening now but I still need to hear more so this doesn't happen to me again. Especially have my ex narc come back or around. I just hate him so much some days. He didn't deserve me before and will never deserve me. I'm still very happy I was brave enough to get the fk out. I plan to stay away still...
A sum up sneak peek into what these relationships look and feel like. I wish more people were understanding of this even if they themselves have never lived it.
The trust issues caused me to treat him not so great for the last few months before the discard. I think most of us do this to protect ourselves. It doesn't always work.
Wow. It’s like ur talking to me directly
Thank you ♥️
I remember describing it as “ he is killing my Spirit , I am a survivor, I need to get out of this to survive, this is actually killing me” Boom, that was the thought that helped catapult me outta there, it was bye-bye. Took me a year. Married for 4 yrs., which was 4 yrs. too long. A. M. F.
Yes, same here, My soul was tortured...
+Jess Stanley Praise the LORD my earthly narcissistic father devalues everybody and everyone but Jess Stanley gives value to everybody and everyone. God bless. Agape love
Bravo!!
🦝
Very brave.
Omg. Word for word exactly from my ex Narc(s). Plural!!!!!
Love your voice!!
There's something incredibly attractive about an intelligent woman that swears like a Vietnam veteran 😂
You're amazing! ♥️
I can relate to so much of your story.
Wow I had to cry on this one. Sounds familiar.
So got this t shirt 🙄😝😝xx
It was like my life You are talking about with a covert narc (my opinion!) and he has done EVERY DAMNED THING and a lot more even more nasty things. It lasted for about 12 years together: First 10 year and I left him, I was singel 4 year and he hoover me in again for 2 year but I left him again for 1 year ago last year in september 2020.
God to hear that You get rid of him and god for me that I at least realized that it wasn't wrong with me. It was him who has a disorder or several of those and that I can't save him. It is NOT my job to do anyway and I was nearly get to the bottom in my health because of what he did to me.
At the last 2 years with him I started to read books and articles about disorder and about narcissism, sociopaths and psychopaths and as I know for now I see the patterns of everything he did. He is a covert narc and I do not want to live with him and I could even see my co dependent to this to. That is something I had to work with myself so I do not stock in something again with a partner in the future.
But at least I saved my self and my health and I'm grateful for that 💗