Me and my gf came to the conclusion that she has to have this yesterday. It’s been 2 and a half years of what I can only explain as a Emotional roller coaster ride every day and week. It got to the point many times that I felt like I was going insane (not trying to offended any one) with her ultimatums and thinking only in black and white with no grey area or compromising. I thought to myself over and over, that something isn’t right. Her constant insecurities, fear of abandonment (and it only made it worse when I would ACTUALLY leave), trust issues, self harm or threats of suicide, what can sometimes feel like “Manipulation”, extreme anger at the drop of the dime, self destructive behavior constantly, substance abuse (mainly Xanax which who wouldn’t want to calm down honestly) and even dissociation . I always knew something wasn’t okay, but I’m not a psychiatrist and I feel like many of us struggle with some form of mental illness just at different intensities. Some one with bpd can’t control what they say or do, but to THEM it feels real or surreal and in that moment wether it’s love or hate they FEEEEEL it. Imagine your worst break up ever and then feeling that way about something seemingly small every day. I’m sorry if I’m not giving the best metaphors or examples, I only just realized what this really is yesterday. I honestly thought the hurtful spiteful mean things that she would say to me were purposeful and she meant it and IN THAT MOMENT she might really mean it. But every single time like clockwork it subsides in a very short time span like a literal hour and is replaced with regret or maybe apologies. I used to struggle with being able to tell if I was purposefully strategically being manipulated, but I wasn’t. For them the way they lash out is because of fear of abandonment and it’s not like the orchestrated ways to manipulate you, it’s a heat of the moment fight or flight response due to real or made scenarios in their heads. BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL she is one of the most amazing, loving, kind hearted, Intelligent, empathetic, and rational person I know and I don’t wish to change her for my own selfish gain, I want her to adapt and find her own inner peace. I also understand self diagnosing isn’t a good thing but out of 9 symptoms or signs we both agree that she has atleast 7 and possibly the full 9. I KNOW it’s hard, but I’m going to get through this with her and for her because if no one else does I see the inner beauty waiting to come to the surface. If you love some one with it or you think u may have it you are not alone I want as many people to see this as possible, So Thank you for reading guys!
Wow. i can only hope and wish for this. For someone to be understanding me completely and together work on it. Help me work on it. Amazing words. I'm going to copy and share this with hopefully my future partner.
i know it’s bad to diagnose someone but my ex is exactly what you just described. the only way i could describe our relationship was that we had high highs and low lows. it was a rollercoaster of emotions. i ended things with him after i confronted him on a lie he said then i found out it’s a series of lies. he literally lies for no reason, no purpose and the truth wouldn’t have hurt at all! he previously also lied about self harming, he said he hurt himself and got admitted to the hospital then i found out he didnt, i believe he was scared i’d break up with him after a big argument we had, and manipulated me into sticking with him. is serial lying a big factor in bpd? it’s extremely heartbreaking.
It’s so hard not to take it personally when they snap. And you just wanna be there for them and you don’t want to give up because you love them so much
It is man .. understanding what they have made it a little easier .. before I didn’t know my girlfriend had this and I couldn’t explain how or why she reacted certain ways .. I literally thought I was insane then learning about this I came to understand it better and how to react when she’s experiencing symptoms . Still hard regardless but what isn’t ? I mean seriously what human doesn’t have some sort of mental condition nowadays .. whether it’s anxiety , depression , BDP , NPD , bipolar etc . I have depression and she’s so understanding when I’m having an episode ,, I’m a little cold and distant during that time and she never gets mad at me so how could I when she’s having an BDP episode ? It’s tough but it can work I think if you work together and especially if they realize their problem .. if they don’t acknowledge it .. it’s just a lost cause
I have BPD and my mom has traits, so I know what it feels like to be on both sides. Try to think of BPD as a stomach bug. Would you take it personally if someone pooped their pants in your presence? Because this is what it is. A reaction to the BPD bug, not to you. One other thing that I'd advise you to do is to gently communicate your feelings AFTER they've calmed down. Tell them you love them and and that this is why you want to talk to them about your feelings. Don't use phrases like "I love you, BUT"; it sounds like an attack. Use phrases like "I love you, SO (I want you to know...)" I've been in a really healthy relationship for the last 10 months, have some great friendships and a stable relationship with my mom and my brother despite my BPD, and I can tell you that clear communication is one of the most important components. I rarely snap nowadays (though I used to have multiple meltdowns in a day) and, after I do, we always communicate how both sides felt at the moment. It's very hard for me to hear how I made the other person feel and it sometimes triggers my self-destructive urges, but I know from my relationship with my mom how important it is for both of us to calmly discuss what happened. And, whatever you do, DO NOT SHAME THEM for anything. Shame only triggers more destructive behaviours. Patience, love and communication are the keys. And remember: it is like pooping their pants due to having a stomach bug. It is nothing personal.
@@AnaDabmian Hi Ana!! My GF of almost a year now has BPD, she has great issues socially with her family, friends and basically social interactions as a whole. As her boyfriend I don't really know what to do most of the time, you mentioned clear communication being really important, but when I tell her communicating with her family could help she mentions their lack of care. Could it truly be that her family members are just this careless towards her to the point of causing several extreme meltdowns and a lot of selfharm? or is it an issue of communication?
@@Bedewii69 Hi. :) As I have not met her family, I can not tell for sure whether she is just splitting on them or they truly are careless. Clear communication requires BOTH sides to be ready and able to communicate efficiently. As she obviously has a problem with it, I'd dare to say that her parents do as well, or otherwise they would have thought her better communication skills. The belief that someone doesn't care about you doesn't come from nowhere; even if they do care (which is, statistically, more likely), they probably have trouble showing it to her, or at least had it while she was growing up. For someone in your position, I think it doesn't matter much whether they are truly entirely careless or if it's just her perception. Because, FOR HER, IT IS REAL EITHER WAY. As her boyfriend, it is not your job to "fix" her belief system; your job is to support her and show her that you understand her feelings and respect her decisions even when you don't quite agree with how she perceives something. Because, if you keep pushing her, it's far more likely that she will split on YOU, in the end, than change her mind about people who, obviously, hurt her in one way or another. So, try to focus on YOUR relationship with her. ALWAYS RESPECT HER REALITY, even when you don't quite agree with it. If you manage to create a feeling of safety in the relationship between the two of you (which, as far as I know, all of us with BPD crave), she is far more likely to heal and, subsequently, be more open to fixing her relationship with her family (unless they truly are careless monsters, in, which case, she will stay away from them with less confusion). I hope that answers your question. :) If you want to ask something else, feel free to. Ana
This seems rational to most people who don’t have BPD, but living with my undiagnosed mother for over 20 years I’ve come to the realization that her rules are always changing and it’s not my job to anticipate when her next trigger or reaction will be because it always will come, no matter how much you try to prevent it. And since we’re not perfect either and may have our bad days or less patient days, or days that we can’t rush to their assistance, those will be used against us as “not loving them” or hating them and how we “always” or “never” do something else. If you are able to leave then don’t wait another minute. Moving out was one of the best things I could have done for my mental health
Yeah, try to not take it personally when someone slaps you in the face because they're in a rage over absolutely nothing and then tells police YOU are the abuser. Good luck with that. You people need to grow some balls and stop bowing to these psychopaths. I'm sick of bowing to them and we all should be tired of it. They're insane people that don't EVER need to be in relationships and don't even need to be free amongst the rest of us that are mentally stable. All they do is cause havoc with everyone and everything around them.
I have BPD and I want to say to all the people in the comments who are thinking about leaving, please pressure your loved one into going into therapy. Before you leave, make sure they get into therapy, make sure that they’re in a good place. Being abandoned by someone is the worst feeling in the world for somebody with BPD. It feels like you’re dying. You shouldn’t have to be a punching bag for someone, but you shouldn’t be creating an even bigger problem.
the internet has taken over my life I get what you’re saying and that is the ideal situation. The fact of the matter is most of us will stay until our breaking point because we know how the person is going to act once we do have to make that choice for our own health and well-being. Definitely try and get them to see a therapist but also remember to put yourself and needs first. If someone’s toxic in your life you’ve got to let them go or they’re just going to bring you down with them. Honestly anyone with bpd should already be in therapy if they want to maintain positive lasting relationships. people can only take so much instability and being someone’s doormat before they reach their breaking point
Most of the times we feel abandoned by a borderline himself. NO contact, NO communication, PLENTY of discards. You call, no answer. You message, he blocked you. In a time like nothing happened, I have a trouble, pay me one bill! Relationship with one it was a rollercoaster. Least you need in relationship is constant communication, why to bother screaming, if no one is answering? I can tell you, I tried to call or message my ex gay guy for hours a day let's go somewhere, let's do this or that, no answer. Eventually you just get tired and leave.
@@katierichley4130 and Katie Richley, I hope you never stop checking the boundaries from time to time. I am the husband and father of a three-generation family with a mother/grandmother with BPD. One of the children woke up, saw it for what it is and opened the door for others to recognize it too, and share with each other. This changed the whole family dynamic, and now several of us are ready and able to work on it together.
Currently I'm married to a man with BPD coupled with Dysthymia and severe anxiety its been absolute hell. One second its amazing hes the sweetest we get along well, the next he raging mean yelling, then I distance myself just for him to feel abandoned by me I get close again feeling bad, then BOOM another episode. Feels like manipulation but I know it's just an illness. I'm loosing myself in the process I've never been this unhappy in my life Update: it's been a whole year since I've made this post and I'm proud to say I've finally built enough courage to leave. It doesn't get better and it took me a while to accept this. Anyways, I'm the happiest I've ever been and IM FREEEEEE 💗
@lola a It’s very hard and if he’s amazing give him a chance this is treatable and I pray for you I am going through the same thing and my wife is in your shoes do not give up
@@sydneypeck2619 just leave, you're wasting your life, health, and sanity on someone that is fundamentally broken. No counter points, just leave. It is a giant web of craziness and will just drag you down and in to it. The highs or whatever aren't worth it. Your compassion isn't worth it.
I am your husband. What you are describing is what I hear from partners. All i can say with a heavy heart. Leave. You have to, HAVE, to put your mentally first. There is not other way. I'm literally saying. leave me, for your own good. 💔💔💔
It’s so rare to see even doctors talk about BPD in a respectable regard. It makes me actually want to watch the video and learn from it. I’m going to share it with my partner who now wants to do couple DBT therapy with me. Thank you 🙏🏻
9:02 Sleep, sleep, sleep. “When you’re very tired, you have less resources to pull from”. Meaning, when we’re fully rested - we are more resourceful, break that down - we are more resilient, better listeners, more understanding & empathic, more able to remain objective. Thanks for your info! 🙏🏼
My teenage daughter has BPD and I find these kinds of videos very helpful. My goal as her mom is to give her all the support I can and to not trigger her.
Are you a single mother? Although I have no stats on this, I would think borderlines tend to be more common in single mother families for several reasons (women under too much stress, emotional regulation being transferred more ny the father) I think a positive, stable male role model (sports coach, music teacher etc..) could help. Also a sport requiring discipline and perhaps cooperation.
Well, honey I promise you this. Just the simple fact that you left the comment on a video that is the subject of this one literally just the simple fact that you did that would mean the world to me if I stumbled up on my mom listening to something like this and then maybe greeting me a certain way to see how I'm feeling for that day and maybe if she came out and said you know I think that BPD thing you was talkin about sun is definitely wants this generational curse is that we are all dealing with here and I'm behind you one-hundred percent let's go do this together or separate but we need to do this all at once so we can all be better for each other that would mean the world to me more than you guys know because she is an awesome mom she busted her ask for me raised me was way overprotective I can't blame her for that because I'm the same way and just trust me when I say the simple fact you're on here watching this should go a long long way if your daughter or whoever it was is honest with themselves at least it will go a long way I promise
Always appreciate your videos. Thank you for your rare ability to approach BPD with a respect/compassion/responsibility perspective. You truly understand the way our minds work, express compassion for us (which, in the internet age, very few do), yet manage to hold us responsible in a kind, encouraging, but firm way. I really do respond well to your information. I hope you know just how much your videos touch the hearts and give hope.
@@daughteroftheking5700 Exactly,You ain't lying.Its always the ones on video that I find competent and compassionate.I have found none like that at home.
I like this guy because he gives hope to those with BPD and those who are in relationship with them. On the other hand let's not forget that being in a relationship with someone who has severe BPD and who's not treated can just destroy you and your entire life, it can litterally turn you into an unrecognizable wreck.
to hell with having a relationship with someone with bpd their like narcs their fake as hell they talk noting but nonesense becuase they have a broken reality disorder they have no footing in reality what so ever their deluded you cant have a healthy relationship with someone like that your more than likly go insane as result and take on the disorder all they do is lie like narcs
I agree, but anyone can have the potential to unintentionally destroy you....not just people with bpd, though given the super sensitive emotions, yes, it is difficult for all concerned. Some of the most toxic people are the so called judge's (white coated sepulchre's)who aren't diagnosed with a personality disorder, and some of the most loveliest of souls are those with bpd.
Yep. This guy is knowledgeable but he also kisses people with BPDs ass too much and acts like they're not complete nut jobs. I'm sick of everyone trying to coddle the severely mentally ill especially at the expense of the rest of us.
After 5 years of trying to save someone I’m at the point where I’m now trying to save myself , I didn’t cause this and I can’t fix it ! Boundaries don’t work they figure them out real fast , Simple communication turns into a manipulation Your not here in this world to walk on egg shells and second guess yourself ! Looking after someone’s emotions is not love To be honest I think by giving them a stable supportive environment just makes them worse ! It’s crazy how those glimmers of what was essential got you hooked fade over time till your living in a fantasy world thinking how you can escape . I don’t deserve this life! That’s where I’m at
It can be so challenging loving someone with BPD. I want to be close like we use to be but they get so angry at random that I now I walk on eggshells. I can’t help but feel resentment 😔 after they lash out at me. I feel like everything I say offends them. It’s hard for me to trust their judgment and decision making, especially about the big life decisions. They can feel my hesitation and genuine fear for them, and are left feeling rejected or abandoned.
You are the only doctor I watch talk about BPD… The way you address the topic is from inside the bubble (with us) because you see us as people. If you only heard all of those podcasts and videos (with good intentions I guess?) that talk about BPD and people with BPD as if we were monsters or an animal… it’s very weird, as if they didn’t fully get the core and sense of it. I can totally see that you understand BPD SOOOO WELL! Greetings from Poland. 😊
Boy! You sure hit the nail on the head. I have bpd and am now 70 years old. I've had tons of counseling and now like and love the person that I now am. I started pulling all together at 40 years old. I am loving, caring and do dog rescue. I feel whole for the most part but under times of stress my bpd rears its ugly head. But I'm fully aware of what's happening when it does.and most importantly I'm forgiving to self when I see things black or white. I recognize it for what it is. I can joke with my mother now who at 94 is still critical of Mr and never validates me that often...this is the height of not being validated...when I was a little girl and said. I have to ho to the bathroom she would say..." No u don't,! U just went". Stuff like that. The crazy making stuff. So in my twenties and most of thirties I was crazy!! Drugs alcohol men..u name it. I plainly see what happened to me now. Maybe some genetic...lots environment! I know she's never gonna change, god love her. So I had to get myself help...and at 70 I still need good advice so thanks so much!! Oh! And now I'm paid back in spades because my granddaughter that I raised has bpd and going thru so much. This video helps so much in dealing with her. I do walk on egg shell, but I dont make it about me. I'm here to help her and I especially like the part where I'm careful not to trigger her. Sometimes the less I say, the better. I will say tho that although she was a u know what during her pregnancies ( she has 2 small children) she is a wonderful mother!! I have always listened to her and validated her feelings. And lots and lots of love. The first time.e my dad told me he loved me was on his deathbed 2 years ago. I tell my children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren every day!! And lots of hugs and kisses...even tho I never had that from my parents. They were good people, just didn't know how I guess. Thanks for letting me share.
I’m nearly 70 as well, and it has taken years to finally accept and actually like myself. It could be age, but I think it had a lot to do with my mother passing at age 93. I could never do anything right. Among other things she begged my two sisters when I was still in middle school or so, to please don’t grow up to be like me! I was a quiet, meek child at the time but I would question “why?” too much I guess. She had a permanent negative effect on me when she said, “Stop crying. You look ugly when you cry and no one will like you.” !! Talk about setting the stage for any number of behavioral issues! But parents of that era didn’t know warmth either I guess. I didn’t know people even hugged their kids. I loved my kids dearly and related to them better than she did to me, but still I wish I could have known to do more. They love me I know and are still in my world, but I could have been more reassuring if I had the tools. I still fear letting someone down by voicing my feelings which could result in rejection.
I’ve been married to a woman for 15yrs and all I can say is I feel like I’ve been sentenced to hell while alive the pathological lies, the anger, the emotional abuse, the cheating, the spending, the laziness and filth. It lead me to alcoholism for years and now medically managed depression and anxiety. I’ve finally drawn a line and said if u don’t get help I have to leave because she’s literally killing me. It’s the first source of hope I’ve had in a long time. I thought she was a psychopath and I mean the real thing not ur crazy x girlfriend but the more I’ve looked into it the more I believe there is a 100% chance this is it.
Thats 100% incorrect. I usually trigger in the morning due to a natural low dopamine level coming out of sleep, as we all do. As I have bpd AND bipolar, mornings are incredibly difficult for me no matter the people/behaviors.
My ex gf had it. we got together two years ago (she met me a bit after she wanted to kill herself). She was so self aware and knew that something was off but she never got the help she needed. Her social cirlce was not the best so i believe she kinda grabbed on to me to save herself. What was not okay is that even though she knew she needed help (diagnosed or not) she would never get it, until the relationship started to deteriorate. In the beginning i would be her savior (sign of BPD: put people on the pedestal without knowing them) and when the relationship started to get realistic and having a few problems (sing of BPD:she would blame me for everything). She left the relationship with a two line message (sign of BPD: fear of abandonment) so she broke it off before I did. So on that note, i will say that you are not responsible for the cause of your trauma but you are responsible to help yourself. So yes, I do feel sorry for her but let's not give those people excuses. She could have handled it a lot better, especially when she was self aware enough to realise she was mentally unstable. Because guys, I now have PTSD from that relationship and I still get panick attacks sometimes. I am not blaming her BPD but I AM blaming her for not doing anything about it. She managed to hurt herself and the people around her and that is super sad because she was not ignorant. She may not have known exactly the name of her condition but she ought it to herself and secondly to the people around her to better herself. Now she's in therapy (she started a year ago when we were still together) but a lot of damage had already been done to both parties unfortunately. I do not mean to be insensitive but she's already dating someone new (8 months after the break up) and I am like. Great, now that youre going to therapy maybe you can save this relationship at least. But will she ever understand the damage she had done to me? A person that loved her so much and I was trying to help her throughout the relationship. I really did. But nothing i would do or say could change her intrusive thoughts.... Sure, she started going to therapy finally but at what cost guys? After she ruined another human being, devalued and discared them (sign of BPD) .... I do understand that this is her illness at play but still the outcome is the same. I am going to therapy now as well trying to process the relationship trauma.
Learn to know and love yourself and make a list of what you deserve and why. Hold steady this, you deserve kindness, compassion, understanding, all those things we all deserve but you have to find yours as well. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox all those things seem broad, and a BPD person can demand an unrealistic amount of any of those things, do you not agree? Furthermore, if a person follows the advice of your comment here, do you think they would be willing to depart from a person that doesn't give them what they deserve, or do you suspect they might hang around, asserting constantly that the other person isn't good enough?
@@DrDanielFox I've been admitted to hospital so many times I have lost count I know have depression with suicidal idiation several serious attempted tried to end it all I've been diagnosed and treated with the whole spectrum of mental desease and when I first heard about bpd I was amazed that's me I said not so my doctor's how do I get them to see it what's up with that?😡 I'm so grateful for your help I have no doubt that I do indeed have bpd
1 thing that worked like wonder. When they get angry, firstly tell them /msg them , that you are sorry that they are angry and upset . Tell them their anger is justified (even if its irrational,understand they are I'll and need help.) Tell them you're here to help. This states in clear words what they are feeling inside, that they cannot make sense of.
Yup it always helps to hear, ur right! Ur allowed to be angry But the word '' help''.. Im here to help " i dont recommend that at all. Dont make ur act of listening and being on my side for a sec sound so Labour intensive!! You also dont need to say : im here, just be present. People who need to say if u need me im there... Are by default not there! U wanna be there? BE there.
Yep my man has asked that I interupt his tantrums. Which at first when he asked me seemed unfair. As I need to responsiable for his behavior. Now a couple years later. Fine I am willing to give it a try. If he only knew how scary he is during a outburt to realize why I would be hesitant.
They seem capable of thinking through the nature of their problems, and analyzing them and discussing it, but not capable whatsoever of implementing any solutions.
Been married over 20 years and only realised a year ago my wife had BPD - was watching an educational video on BPD and just smacked me in the face "THAT's IT!" I've made massive mistakes at the start and early on in our relationship - but you would think they only happened yesterday I've grown and matured, I've changed and developed character - but I'm told daily I'm just the same, probably worse I love my wife more than I ever have before - but I feel I have to cut off my emotions in order just to survive She is truly wonderful and amazing, better than the best mother for our children... I don't know how to get her the help she needs and most likely would refute saying that it's just me trying to undermine her and make her the blame or problem or whatever else it is She also has developed lupus in the last few years which makes her tired and so unwell I would never suicide but sadly now I SO UNDERSTAND why people end up at that point I have no friends
I am in a similar situation. My fiancé and I have been together 10 years and it’s only been in the last year or two that things got out of hand (she had a favourite person that caused us a lot of problems). She was only formally diagnosed a year or so ago, and it’s been tough but through online and books I’ve learnt to understand the disorder but it’s still a massive struggle. When you say you have to cut off your emotions to survive, I can relate to that in every sense and it can be hard to stay silent and walk on eggshells (great book by the way of you haven’t heard of it). Stay strong my friend, wish you and your family well ✌️
No wonder you feel depressed if you have to cut off your emotions and walk on eggshells. I have BPD and my ex also felt like he had to walk on eggshells. I felt terribble to hear this, made me feel abandoned, wich was a huge trigger for me, wich confirmed him in his feelings and so on. The things dr Fox are saying about boundaries are spot on though. When i am really emotional or raging i feel like a lost child who needs something to hold on too. I'm very sorry youre in this situation, it was much later i realised how abusive my behavior was and i think men are taken less serious when it comes down to abuse then women. But if youre going to stay in this marriage or not, you need to get to work to take care of yourself. Maybe you can see a therapist? I would also suggest to read the book codependent no more!
My partner has bpd. I think I speak for everyone watching when I say thank you for all the work you do to deliver clear guidance for chaotic situations. My personal experience has solidified that as much open communication as possible is key to making the best out of these relationships.
@@jmsl910 it's important not to hate/resent her for her actions. You need to understand she's dealing with a literal mental illness. It's quite literally out of her control. But all those things you do to make her feel more comfortable is stuff you should also be doing for yourself. That's the "structure" he mentioned in the video. "Say what you mean, and do what you say"
@@allison3605 well if she's receiving abuse that might actually be a totally reasonable statement for her to make. I'm so tired of seeing people be rude and abusive in the comments under a channel like this.. of all places. Think about it. You don't know if this woman's description of her household is untrue. You don't know if it is true. She could be the monster in the household here to get narcissistic supply from any sympathy, or negative attention-let's face it, she might glean in the comments. Or her daughter could be the monster in her household and this was actually just an overwhelmed fairly well-adjusted mother venting pretty reasonable frustrations.. And you just shame and discredited her victimhood. Literally any of these options is as plausible as the next. That's the silver lining of ignorance and maintaining it. You can insert in the gap of your knowledge whatever idea you need to to justify whatever. As long as we have so little respect for each other's experiences, testimonies, psychology, as long as we have so little respect and awareness of our own ignorance and how we wield it to sanction the poor treatment of others, there's no reason to anticipate that the rates of personality disorders like the ones discussed in this video, and worse, are going to go down anytime soon. No wonder indeed.
I'm really scared right now, I learned about my diagnosis yesterday, I have BPD, I've been having some issues with my boyfriend due to a lot of the symptoms this causes, I am starting cognitive therapy this Tuesday and I'm excited caus eu hate feeling like this. But I'm also super scared that I won't be able to receive love form someone, or that everyone will leave due to this
I cried happy tears when I saw that u put this video out! I was one of the ones asking if u could do this type of video. It helps so much and I can't thank u enough!!! ❤
I would just like to add please, that just because one has bpd, it's not an excuse to hurt others, and just expect that others will swallow it up and show love and forgiveness all the time. People with bpd can cause others develop bpd, by hurting and rejecting them all the time. I know that it is a real problem, but i don't like to call it an illness, rather an issue. I believe all can heal from it. I had it. No longer. We all have responsibility to work on our selves, our beliefs, our attitudes,etc. Doctors like in the video, are gifts from the Lord. Real healing and change of mind comes from The Words of Jesus Christ. But we all do need wise doctors, and thank you for your videos. God bless🙏🌻
Thank you for the advice. I live with a BPD parent (father) and it's really something that doesn't get talked about a lot, but I don't think there's anything quite like it. On a selfish note, I feel very unfairly affected by the disorder, without having it myself and it causes me a great deal of frustration and anxiety. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and that puts me on edge constantly, without including the actual "episodes" he has and the consequential verbal abuse, ultimatums and threats I get, during those occurrences. On the other hand, I love my Dad. He's my best friend and he's always been there for me, so I want to be there for him too. It hurts me more to know that he is suffering from this disorder, than anything else.
My dad has BPD. And I also felt like I had to walk on eggshells growing up. Now he is a bit more stable, but my childhood was very chaotic and confusing because of his behavior. Just want to say you are not alone. And I agree it’s not talked about enough…having a father with BPD is a complex burden to bear.
I obviously tracked the triggers even though I was so young. I had to be so quiet to let her sleep. Almost not even breathing because she would even lash out for the smallest noise. I always had to watch my dad and check if he did something less than perfect and fix it. And usually I failed to satisfy my mom with my dad and I had to listen to her screaming for hours. Another thing that triggered her was my dads driving. Always an argument in the car. Also not being organized and neat triggered her. I couldn’t complain or get angry as a child because she got more angry and triggered than me. It left me feel my feelings don’t matter and I internalized all my feelings. Like I was invisible. What triggered me was how she did not let me sleep in late in the mornings as a teen. I was a night owl and slept late so I was sleep deprived. Her pms was another reason I was always yelled at, almost every month. I felt so depressed for a week because she got angry and made me feel so unworthy. She criticized me and compared me and made me feel useless. Another trigger was how I dressed in front of others. I had to always dress up which I hated the attention but if I didn’t she made me feel horrible for not meeting her standards and embarrassing her in front of others. She got better after I left home probably because I can now set boundaries. She doesn’t yell at me anymore but now knowing all the ways I had been traumatized as a child I am the one who gets angry with slightest reminders of the past trauma. And anger is so uncomfortable for me. I’ve never been thought how to get rid of it with out externalizing it. Now me getting angry makes her feel so hurt because, I’ve always been like a parent to her and just thinking how I’m hurting her makes me feel guilty. I love her. I just want my life back. I want to live free. I never wanted to be a parent. I want to be free and focus on my development without worrying about her. It’s sad, though here I am. I feel ok and I became a very independent, strong, organized, open minded, caring and logical person. I just have a hard time feeling connected to others which I hopefully will find all the right people who will understand me. I survived well! I’m proud of my young self.
Samina Yaghouty I have been reading a book that may help you called Running on Empty. I recommend looking it up and seeing if it applies to your personal situation or not. Good luck to you 🙂
Samina Yaghouty there’s a name for what you’re feeling. I feel it too. It’s called childhood emotional neglect. Google it. There are lots of resources. I think my mom is a borderline waif. Your mom sounds as difficult as mine. Just in different ways. Different triggers. So the song is different but the dance is the same. All the best to you. Be careful, this is going to predispose you to marry someone with similar traits. I did. It was very rocky.
Samina Yaghouty I experienced something very similar with my mother. I am in middle-age now and chose not to marry or have children. I didn’t start therapy until about 10 years ago which helped a bunch. It’s hard to come through the realization that our parents felt connected to us but didn’t really have the emotional attachment because they did not have it to give. As I’ve gotten older I’ve talk to my mom about her family more and her mother must’ve been a borderline in for sure her grandmother was as well. I did not know either one of them. Like you, I used to feel a lot of guilt and shame and my mom was very good about making me feel guilty and obligation. In fact my mom loved me when I was of utility for her, to do for her. Not for just being her daughter. Coming to that realization later in life is devastating. For that matter at any time in our lives. If you haven’t already I highly recommend professional therapy. And someone who has experience with this type of a situation. I’m very sorry that you have gone through this with your own mother. It sounds like you are on a path to a better future for yourself which includes setting boundaries. I had no idea what boundaries were and I had to have a therapist explain that to me. Oh and one more thing. During one particularly difficult time with my mom after my dad had gone into the hospital, and he was not able to come home. My mom became unhinged with me because she couldn’t get her way. Her provocations didn’t work one night. I very calmly and slowly responded to her and said this: I don’t need you to understand me. I don’t need you to except me. I don’t need you to love me. I don’t need you to get me. I get me. And that’s enough. I know there are times you feel I disappointed you and I’m OK with that too. I’m OK with all of it. That probably wasn’t the best way to handle it but this was before I understood more about borderline personality traits. I share this last part with you not to tell you to do the same thing. Not at all. But rather to let you know that like you, I was in a roll of caretaker to my mother which is what my mom wanted. It sounds like your mom was the same way. That’s not normal. The guilt we feel is unnatural and it’s OK to let it go. In fact it’s healthy to let it go. That gives our mothers their adult personal power and personal agency to take control and responsibility for their lives. For too long I always felt like I was my mothers emotional container. It’s as if she had no exterior container of her self and she needed me to play that role. Needless to say I have had numerous health issues in my life and I’m on a path to better healing. Sending love and light your way and wishing you a happy Thanksgiving if you are in the United States. Take good care of yourself.
I cried a lot reading this because I can relate to it, but a better future seems really far away since I depend financially (and emotionally) on her. I allways feel atacked when I express my feelings so I tend to avoid it since I don't think I have the strenght to go through a bad week (or month) like u mentioned before.
Knowing your triggers is so so important and letting people know, especially health professionals, like for an example I think my main one is the sentence “it’s in your head” or “it’s just in your head”, it triggers me because I was told all my problems were all in my head and I ended up believing it but that’s my true but it makes me from zero to furious in a heart beat. Communication and trust is also so so important and comfort, as someone who has bpd, I always ask if I’m a terrible person and that’s not for attention it’s because I genuinely feel terrible and I’m scared they are going to leave. That fear will never fade completely, please be patient with your loved one, I think that’s something that’s not mentioned but not been quick to temper and just listening and caring will go a long ass way.
shannon bedding patience is not endless. Your triggers are not their fault. That is why it is so important to not make excuses and get the help you require. Your partner will give you time and many chances. You will need as much as you can get. Don't waste any with lies and excuses as to why you either don't need to go to therapy or why you need to end it early.
@Sophie Astrid Rooth May I ask as to why you are projecting shit onto my genuine expression? Works both ways, dear. Don't be an asshole. Learn how to address people with respect. There are countless ways you could have rephrased your outburst but because of your inherent need to be nasty, you chose the words that you wrote. I look forward to seeing your response. I have anticipated a couple of variations of your most likely reply. Very interested to see if I am correct or not.
Free that’s bloody hateful; and disregards the trauma they were inflicted. You over correct and think they are all like this evil abuser. People like you are what keeps creating people such as that.
1. I know I must have plenty of sleep. It truly helps keep me less anxious and in the moment. 2. I realized feelings are temporary! 3. Structure, structure, structure! It helps prevent/ lessen angry eruptions.
Perfect advice by Daniel, but with a caveat: It applies if all those in the dynamic acknowledge the challenge of BPD (that there is an issue), are self aware, are willing to use rational thinking rather than emotional thinking, believe in personal development and believe that accountability is a good thing. Without these principles in the dynamic, it is not going to be effective
Having a child with BPD brings challenges that seem almost impossible to overcome. Patience and mindfulness for MYSELF have helped. Ofcourse, I've stayed in therapy myself in an effort to not create more hurt than necessary. We still have a long road ahead of us as she navigates college, but she's beginning to create her own life worth living. Thank you for this video.
Being an adult child of a parent in denial of their bpd, and being on the spectrum myself, the biggest tip i can think of is compassion, and validation, if you invalidate your loved ones feelings they will lose trust that you care for or love them, as well as compassion- if you can't show that person that you empathize or that you care about the way they feel when you do or say certain things, it makes you come off selfish and incapable of thinking of another's feelings and not just your own.. selfishness may be seen as necessary but I believe it is a very negative trait in any type of relationship , you have to be able to care about others as well as yourself and even better above just yourself especially in a loving and caring relationship like between a couple or child and parent.
I've been with my wife for 15 years. A couple of years in she told me she had been diagnosed with BPD (the quiet type). We went 15 years before she exhibited the first, and thus far only, major symptom of BPD which rocked me to my core, but nothing I am not willing to put the work in with her about. Especially after 15 beautiful years. I know I am lucky in that she was able to mostly control external chaos which never caused much issue for us as a couple, but everything just remained under the surface as she doesn't work through problems. If you love someone with BPD, it is my humble opinion that you must try and teach them how to ask themselves the right questions in order to identify and control their negative self talk. I didn't realize how unable my wife was to work thru issues until we hit this roadblock. Be patient but don't be a martyr if you're in a very toxic situation.
Loving and living with a Borderline ten years of experience I could tell you without a doubt you cannot predict or track the moods or thoughts of a Borderline because others are the trigger it’s people who trigger a Borderline, boundaries help but eventually push them away because they feel like the person who sets boundaries don’t love them because they have no control over them.
Rob Marcelletti I agree with you that it’s people who set them off, but I believe the suggestion to create routines and not judge them really does help. I have found that the BDP’er in my life can’t function without routines. And people are unpredictable. So here lies the issue lol. If you CAN create routines as much as possible you may be able to kinda help you and this person. Also when we create boundaries, many times we do so with a slight attitude. (Rightfully so most times) But people with BPD are very sensitive and can pick up on the slightest attitude and the slightest ill will or smirk or someone being non-genuine. You know... most times when this person told me I was acting insensitive or that my comment didn’t mean well like I was saying it did, he was right. I was being insensitive and I didn’t have the right attitude about the situation.
Rob Marcelletti That is not true. A person with BPD can switch the moods off at will whenever they want. They always start the relationship, usually around 3 months, being the most beautiful person you have ever met. Then, whenever you are ready to leave, they can suddenly turn the evil off and go back to being sweet as honey. These are learned behaviours. Invariably you have a person with zero impulse control and they refuse to learn it. They are a child. Their parents failed to rectify their 2 year old behavior and it has been rehearsed for decades. But do not fool yourself that they can't control it. They can.
Stay calm. Do not escalate. They will feel guilty afterwards for making you upset or hurting you, they don't want to hurt you most of the time and will feel very bad afterwards, staying calm and understanding that they aren't trying to hurt or cause problems helps settle things down faster and make the recovery after easier
This is true. Times I can't really control myself when someone does or says something that doesn't sit right with me, after a whole argument I'll be sat there for minutes if not hours thinking about what I've said or done, what I could've done, if I should've just kept quiet and walked away and everything else. Its really hard but we do feel very guilty after it because it's not something we want to do but it's hard to control.
I don’t think I could do this for anyone but my child or person I was working with in a professional capacity. I can’t imagine being in a friendship or romantic relationship where we’re supposed to be equal, where I have to should so much of the emotional responsibility while getting so little support back. My mother never had any sort of diagnosis and I’m not going to try to sort things out in hindsight, but I had to learn how to cope with her feelings and moods so much that I grew up really fast. It was very hard and honestly emotionally abusive. Can’t do that again. It was hard being without family, but having her out of my life was such a weight off me. I could finally deal with my own anxiety and depression I had developed due to our relationship. I could finally find my own healthy relationships and support system.
Living with a parent that has strong borderline traits is exhausting. You always expect an unexpected outburst of anger. The problem is, you cannot even suggest to find psychological help because then you are criticizing them as a person. That is my experience at least. Ordered one of the books. Hope it will help me and my siblings!
I feel just the same way. I’m honestly so sure that my sister has this disorder, but again, she will say that I’m criticizing her. I don’t even know what to do anymore more. It’s exhausting.
Exactly. My mother is one and she’s destroying my life . I am trying to find a stable job to get out of here there is nothing you can do for them . They will always blame you
@@SirenASMR_ What do you mean "is one"? I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through and it's great that you're drawing boundaries and stepping away. It's your mother's responsibility to get help. But please, we are people with BPD. "Is one" just sounds nasty, sorry. And please don't generalise your experience with your mother to make assumptions about everyone who has BPD. Saying things like "they always blame you" is just incorrect. Just stick to your mother's behaviour. BPD is horrific, absolutely horrific to live with, and a lot of people suffering it don't act out this way, a lot of them actually turn the harm on themselves, not the people around them. Please be conscious of your language. I genuinely wish you well and hope your mother gets good help.
I have to watch this video multiple times a week/day because my husband just got diagnosed with bpd and ptsd. im trying to keep from taking things personally and actually be genuinely supportive. It can be hard for me to understand in the moment when he's having a mood flux and your videos help remind me that he's trying his best. I want to try my best too.
Interesting that you bring up sleep deprivation. I have BPD and Chronic Insomnia (I haven’t slept without heavy tranquilizers/hypnotics/antipsychotics in 7 years) and I struggle to sleep. And yes, when I don’t sleep, I go OFF big time.
Praying for you Mrs. Sawrie, my Mama had BPD and chronic insomnia tormented her all her life, God Bless You and praying for your healing and deliverance from BPD and insomnia in Jesus Holy Name, Amen!
Anxiety goes hand in hand with borderline and creates insomnia. Incidentally everyone goers off with sleep deprivation. Chronic in "developed" societies. There are ways to quiet your mind but one assumes that the underlying trauma is causing the anxiety. I would try a sleep hygiene routine with relaxing teas. Hot baths work well.
Exactly,You ain't lying.chronic insomnia aggravates my symptoms of paranoia and irritability big time.Unfortunately during this pandemic my relatives look at me judgementally because I am sleeping extensively because of medication and I am purposely introverted because of BPD and focusing on treatment for it instead of socializing and entertaining.And living under roof of a relative and only able to help them them with some of the household necessities makes them extremely judgmental of my mental health issues of BPD and bipolar 1.
@@juliettailor1616 Exactly,When you are tired you are grumpy naturally.But that is extremely different then chronic insomnia of BPD and bipolar 1.So those teas are helpful but they are not antipsychotic.So before you begin offering advice inform yourself more.
I couldn't agree more in regards to structure and healthy regular sleep. It is extremely challenging with today's busy lives. I do feel, if structure remains a focus, even when things get knocked off course having a continuous effort towards it helps. It at minimum shows the BPD or troubled person that structure is of value. These people will love structure and not just a little. In the long run, believe me, It's the most loving thing someone can do for them. Thank you Dr. Fox. There is no doubt you are an expert in this field. 👍
I liked what he said about toxic family systems. I had to let go of that dynamic altogether with love and prayers because they wouldn't get counseling. I now have others who celebrate me rather than tolerate me. It feels really good!
Was watching this video for myself. Don’t have anyone around me who cares enough to research for me. So I’m just constantly living in triggers and going downwards, worse every time. Trying to help myself that’s why I’m here. Thanks for the video. It’s been helpful.
Be careful, the personalities that are cold and hurtful to u can cause u to unknowingly store up anger towards the person with bpd or mpd that u are married to or love. Then when 1 of those cold personalities crosses a line with u and your defenses activate you could lose the personality that u love and that loves you forever. I watched the splinter happen and the love leave her face and body. 10 years of marriage down the drain because my rebuttal of words was 18 years of buildup dealing with this person. If u love someone with bpd or mpd then get in counseling for yourself to keep u from ruining your life and having your partner simply leave the life you've shared and disappear forever.
Dr Fox, your videos have been so helpful. I think it could be very helpful to go more extensively into how those around a BPD can help their loved one with BPD. Loving someone who has BPD is so taxing and confusing. I believe more videos on managing and responding to a BPD loved one could help so many people out there.
I love your videos, I was just diagnosed with BPD and it’s really helped me figure out things about myself. I’ve always wondered what’s been wrong with me and I could never understand it. And it’s nice that you can help me and people around me figure out how to cope with how I’m feeling cause honestly it’s hard to manage this by myself
My best friend has borderline personality disorder. And since im the only friend that she has, i tend to be more careful with my communication style so that she doesn't feel unsafe with me. I had a very deep depression until last year and im actually still recovering so i easily go back into a depressive mood when she's not happy near me. I want to help her but also trying not to lose myself again. She's very suicidal but doesn't want to do it by herself immediately, so she started smoking and using drugs, hoping a slow painful death. Since i don't want to go back to my depression again, i tried to find a good way to spend time with her while not feeling depressed. I said to her "i will study, do you want to study or read something with me? But know that i will only study and won't chat so much". We still spend time with each other, I'm still making sure that she's okay and doesn't try anything bad like smoking, doing drugs or attempt suicide. I introduced her to my therapist and they started their sessions. I don't know if my strategy is good enough but it seems like we both do well without triggering each other. I had no one to talk about this because all my friends and family know her. I didn't want to share these with them. But as you can understand, it feels heavy sometimes. So thank you for reading.
Great to finally find someone doing this! Many do not have the option to run. I hope someday less children will be developing these problems as more people learn how important a child's feelings and emotional environment are to their entire life of well being.. Wish you were OUR Doctor!
@@CallmeCalypso very often one parent had addiction, lied and abandoned them. The parent who stayed and tried left to try and understand the situation. Also genetics play a part. Compulsive disorder /addictions eg gambling in a family can manifest if also mixed with an unstable parent. So please don't be so quick to judge
I’ve been in a on off relationship for 8 years, and never looked into this illness. The amount of guilt I have for never understanding what was happening and how I made things worse is eating me right now. However, my priority is my partners well being and healing. I know we can heal together. I am always going to love them, and will do everything in my power to improve things.
I've tried everything to give my son as much love as possible in his life. His dad went missing when he was 6 and I couldn't change this. Please don't assume everyone with bpd has a bad mother. I had to make the best of a bad situation for myself and both my son's. I have been trying so hard to understand bpd and do all I can.
I’m certainly not saying that, and I never would. I respect being a single mother, and doing the best that you can, I grew up with one myself. I wish you all the best.
This has been so hard for me as well with a son with BPD traits. I find myself wondering what I did and how I could have been better. I know it probably stems from his father leaving when he was very young, but everyone always blames the mother.
Its come to a head now, I must take real action and steps towards learning how to properly deal with a relative with BPD traits. This is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I've realised that I must sincerely create boundaries, not emotionally react to aggressive and hurtful language from somebody hunting for an argument. I cannot allow this person to continue to use anything as an excuse to start the insulting and arguing. If somebody reads this, could you send a reply? just so I get a notification to remind me I made this pledge to myself.
Thank you. Was recently diagnosed with BPD and have been learning a lot from you. You care and it’s obvious. Unfortunately there are therapists here on TH-cam that talk about what to do if someone is “stuck” with someone with BPD. May God bless you. I didn’t chose this but with love and support, I know I can learn to regulate my emotions, develop adaptive boundaries and healthy interpersonal skills.
+luisa pierce You are absolutely correct! You can learn the skills and use the strategies to control those emotional changes. I wish you all the best and thank you for your kind words.
I am wondering what book or books you would recommend I read that may help me. I believe my father was borderline (he is deceased now); but my youngest son is 22 and I’m almost certain he also suffers with BPD. Any materials you recommend will be so greatly appreciated.
Luisa, I know it's hard, but you seem happy that you are aware that you have BPD. What do you suggest for those of us who love a partner that has BPD but has not accepted it and looks for diagnoses that frame it as something other and helps them skirt the issues?
Thank you, this was really helpful. I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, and so I have been seeing her behavior in a new light. I recognize now that her version of reality is different than mine, and I must remember that every time I communicate with her. I have been setting more boundaries lately, as she has been overprotective of me in the past. I am becoming an older adult (27) and want to make my own decisions without their input. I do love her, so it's hard to distance myself from her at times, but I feel calmer overall.
its commendable that you would try to understand rather than distance yourself or judge your mum, she has still managed to raise an awesome human being and im sure as a team she can learn to manage some of her triggers too
Despite all advice I have received on this subject thru research ,friends and doctors orders to stay away, my heart has not healed thus far and loving will continue no matter what happens! My life has been changed on so many levels in the past 3 years that risking it all is inevitable.I never or will ever learn to give up.Chances are worth risking IMHO!
A book I found very, very helpful in understanding BPD and also accepting that I myself have BPD (which at least 5 professionals have told me and I'm still like "nahhhh!") is "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" (Revised Edition) by Robert O. Friedel. His insights are so amazingly accurate, it's scary!! :)
This is very hard, my daughter -in-law had it and she is awful! Supposedly she been being treated for a long time but she only gets worse. She’s not only wrecking my so. But also doing untold damage to her children. You can’t tell her anything ever. She does whatever she wants and you will do it too. She is not affectionate to her children in a healthy way, seems to view people as adversaries while she is amazing🙄. I want to live her but wow. I just want to protect my son and grandchildren.😤
My gf has bpd,and is bipolar,she's a handful at times,making mountains out of molehills, and getting extremely mad. My fault was I bought into her fights instead of ignoring her and keeping it moving ,treating her good despite bad behaviour, or telling her to go home or taking her home. We split up after 5 years bc her anger towards me was ridiculous,even texting me I was her enemy during one of her episodes I guess. I was sad,depressed,sick for one day,it was love dying. We sputtered here n there till I finally caught her talking to someone else,she had no idea I knew,I asked who is Steve? She looked shocked,she sat for a minute to think of something,said oh he's friends w my sister,we went to lunch w him.no,she met him while we were out shopping one day,I seen her talking to someone but thought nothing of it till she was in a hurry to leave and told girl at counter I was her "friend",she hadn't used that in years.i asked wtf was that? It's bc the guy worked there. But I knew bc he had a mutual friend w me.that guy asked hey weren't you dating a gal named Dana? Said yeah why? Bc my buddy Steve had her over the other night and introduced me,I told her I knew her from somewhere.this guy ended beating her up after catching her stealing money from his wallet. I asked her,she had a faint black eye,she said no.bc I'd beat him regardless,bc you don't hit females,he could have just took her outside n said btw, not giving her a ride.she just got worse from there,placing outrageous expectations on me,I was the fall back when she was sad or upset,like round her bday.i had a few gifts for her,nothing big,but couldn't make it out to her so she got mad.lied to her roomate saying I forgot her gifts so she told me not to come. She died Nov. 05 2021 from a heart attack induced by drug interaction and cv 19. She was 41 yo,in pretty good health,we had same Dr. I miss her,miss the good times,but could have done without the last year.she stated she was upset w me bc we got engaged then I split from her for 4 months,according to her roomate she really was excited to marry me.she said no first 2 times,$ Rd said yes.i refused to give her the ring bc I knew I'd never get it back if we split,and I seen it coming months after proposal. I had ring in lay away when she said yes,it wasn't me asking officially yet,but she answered.i miss n love her but still harbor alot of anger towards her.i often told her go,I'm not losing anything,you are,and it was true,I had other girls just waiting for her to go.she was knockout beautiful but became so unattractive to me towards the end I avoided sex if possible,and turned down all her offers of oral sex,bc it wasn't love,it was control,used it as a weapon.
If you love someone with BPD at what point do you realise it's just too much like hard work? It seems like a relationship with a BDP person requires a lot of work, a lot of thought and a lot of effort just to make life easier for THEM, so what's in it for you? Is it worth losing yourself just to keep them stable and happy? It doesn't seem worth it? It actually starts to sound like it's an abusive relationship where all your needs are put aside just so the BDP person's life is easier. Is it really worth it? At what point do you think they're just "not right for you" and that you'd be better off finding someone else that's more suited and makes your life better? A loving partner's role isn't to be anyone elses therapist especially when that person deprives themselves just to meet the other persons needs.
I guess it would depend on how much the person with BPD is working on changing? They'll never be totally "normal", but if they find all the right treatment and get support, they get to a point where they're "normal" most of the time. But yeah if your BPD person is unwilling to change and seek help, you might as well just leave and save yourself.
Hello I see that you wrote this for years ago but maybe you will still read this. I am going thru that right now as we speak. My boyfriend of almost 3 years have borderline personality disorder. I want to help them but don't know how. So I'm reading a ride and watching videos on TH-cam. I love them very much and I wish there was something I could do that would help. So the communication is very poor I'm trying to teach them how to open up and communicate with me then we can help each other. But it gets down to me giving up my happiness for them to be happy. I cry everyday because of how stressful it is and the mean things they say and do. I feel like I'm losing it and my depression is worse. Now I feel that I need help to. If he's not willing to change then it is going to be pointless to keep trying.
Her mother is her trigger. Every time something happens in regards to her mother it shifts her mood. She shut downs and everything that she’s been holding in just comes to surface. And typically after that she breaks up with me. And her excuse every time is that she needs to work on her self and that she needs to love herself. And as soon as her mother leaves her life again and she no longer is contact with her, she’s “ready” for me again
I figured out I was dealing with codependency about 5 years ago, I'm not "all better" but I've been working on it. My partner finally got a BPD diagnosis just within the last couple week as he started an intensive outpatient program. Since then it's been pretty much exclusively about my problems, and now he "doesn't have BPD". So, we're supposed to start couple's therapy on Saturday, but he broke up with me (for the millionth time 🙃). For sooooome reason I think he'll go back on that. I don't know how much fuel I have left this far into a 10 year relationship, but he has really been doing a lot of work on himself and I am still working on myself so we'll see where things go. Mostly want to get the word out there that of you're in a BPD relationship, you probably are dealing with codependency as well! Check out the resources and focus on your own self work, you're worth your boundaries! 💕
@@krose420 no, I think it's important people realize that nobody does. It's a decision for each person to make about where their limits are in a given situation and I think it's important for people to genuinely be prepared to leave if they're pushed their.
I've had the opportunity to listen to many other TH-cam personality specialists. By far I appreciate Dr. Fox and his method of making things understandable along with navigation.
My best choice in my recovery journey was to go N/C w/my family of origin. It took me decades to realize that they are my biggest trigger persé...once I understood that the involuntary environment I was brought up in at least caused the onset or outbreak ( whatever you wanna call it) it was easier to let it go and fully accept that I have to be my own change. I had to leave ‘crazy town’ and get off the ‘Mary go around’. I would not have been able to do so if it was not for me leaving my family entirely out of my healing.🙏🏻
I was too late in identifying what the behaviors and phone conversations were trying to tell me. My friend died June 4, 2018. I will never know if it was an accident or not and pray I didn't do anything inadvertently that influenced or triggered his emotional state. Thank you for making these videos! I know they will help others before it is too late.
Susan, I wish I had known all this before as well. I only found these videos after my partner died this past December. If I had had a better understanding of BPD, I might have known what to do and look for. You arent alone.
Hello Dr. Fox. I am someone who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, though I feel my "disorder" is mild, perhaps barely severe enough to be clinically diagnosed, I recognize a lot of problematic traits in myself and I'm seeking therapy for addressing those. I have fallen in love with a wonderful woman who has narcissistic traits. She has been unaware of these traits in herself but I have recognized them and brought it to her attention yesterday. She has brought my borderline traits to my attention and helped me to recognize that they are problematic for me/us through much difficulty in our relationship thus far. I love this woman very much. A lot of times, people find out that their significant other is narcissistic and they have the urge to run like hell, to look down on them and to resent them for the way they cause them pain. My love for this woman has not manifest in that way. Instead, I have understanding and acceptance. It doesnt make me love her or want her any less. She is absolutely wonderful, she is just difficult to relate to. I recognize that she didnt choose these issues for herself, as I have not chosen my issues either. They are the result of many difficult times that neither of us have deserved. I have compassion on her for them and I want to see her heart healed. I want to forever enjoy her smile. I want to be part of her healing process. All of that being said, I recognize that you are an expert on our issues. I would like to see you make a special video to help me relate to her better, understsnd her better, provide the emotional needs that she has better and that she can watch to do the same with me. Can you make a video that encourages this love to grow and to grow in the direction that leads to both of our healing? I noticed you made a video that barely touches on this dynamic (borderline/narcissist), can you go much more in depth to better teach us how we can work together to make this relationship thrive and become very fulfilling for us both? Thank you.
The only thing that works is enormous love. Anything else make them worse. Love is the cure. Pure love will decendent their destructive behavior. Trust me. You cant help them with anything but love. But with boundaries.
As a mom of a son with BPD I feel so very guilty because I was supposed to have helped him and I did it all wrong. So constantly I am confronted with the fact that all of this is my fault. Sometimes to the point that I feel I am loosing my mind. The words that keep coming my way end up making me to feel that i am just wothless and I try to keep my boundaries but time and time again it simply does not work.
It won't work. I had narcissist borderliner and they blame everyone else but themselves about their struggles. The best thing I did, I left him, and now I am happy. If you want to ask sorry when you did nothing, if you want him to project on you, if you want to be treated like doormat for the rest for your life, then continuing with borderline personality disordered is your way.
Traits of BPD on both sides of my family unit. My brother unfortunately thinks I should accept his outbursts without creating boundaries. When I told him there needs to be boundaries he has cut me out of his life. Though it bothered me for a minute, I have to say that at least now I don't have to continue being careful what I say or keep up with what he is saying that contradicts himself. Life is interesting and tough. Thank you for your videos.
My father was diagnosed with BPD back in the 70’s. He had ended up in a metal health hospital for three weeks and was diagnosed there. Sadly, my youngest sister has the traits but will not get diagnosed. I learned what to do with my father but he finally estranged himself from everyone in the family before his death. Now my other sister has passed and our mom has passed and there is only my youngest sister remaining and our brother. Both of them have such problems that after my mom passed, I finally had to remove myself from my relationship ships with both of them. It makes me sad but I worked so hard for many years to get healthy and I feel like I have to protect my own peace of mind and the peace and happiness that is in my own home. I feel deeply for your loss and know it well.
@@pbjsilverstudio4882 And I feel deeply for your loss, Pam. Know that you are not alone. In our family system some of our children are open to my wife, but she is not open enough to them. I hope for signs of it changing but try not to expect it.
I understand. My sister did the same. I miss her. I want a relationship with her but I also feel like I should respect her words when she tells me to fuck off and never talk to her again. That’s not an ideal relationship for anyone!
I have BPD and Bi polar it is hard, and it hurts more than my issues effect the people who I love. I've lost a lot of friends. I wish I could find a therapist like him.
I don't want to be harsh or anything, but when someone with the disorder does not want to acknowledge I am the one ending up being the "parent" almost and having to train myself and might need therapy due to all the mood-swings and abuse at times. It seems so unfair. I am tired of being a dog being petted or kicked depending on their moods. When is it okay to actually call it quits?
Use the time you would spend trying to understand the problem to plan an exit and withstand the hurricane and false allegations that come. Then leave as fast and clean as possible. 12 years and I'm still not right after 5 years apart. You are dumping your love and youth down a hole. They have no memory for favors. Every day is a new day of heaven or hell.
Sytske Peterson it is important that you do the best you can. if you really love this person you will push until you can but do not overwork yourself. If they do not want help, you can't get it for them. I just got out of a relationship for the same reason. But you have to also think of yourself and if they love you they should at least consider. However, this is a reality that is not easy to face. Like I said try your best, do the best you can without losing yourself. Good luck.
Sytske Peterson I am in the same position now. Sadly I also feeI I've left it too long to still be able to find the strength to work out a strong set of strategies with my partner. Im exhausted emotionally and feel worried about my own sanity now. I didnt know about the signs of this disorder until fairly recently. It has been a revelation and a relief just to get some understanding of the whirlwind I find myself in. Sadly I do still love and care for my partner, and would love for him to be able to start getting well. His life is stuck in this never ending loop. How sad. he has spent many years getting wrong diagnoses. Now that this disorder is recognised, sadly the assistance provided by public mental health care doesn't extend to the treatment needed to help make a difficult situation easier to tackle. I really hope he will acknowledge his illness and start on the long journey towards some recovery and find some happiness and peace.
The sooner the better. I can speak for myself having BPD, the longer you take to call it quits, the deeper the scars will be and the other person (in this case talking about me when the other didn't know when or how to call it quits) will have a lot of internal struggles and lower self esteem
Thanks for this video, this should be shown to all people who thinks BPD folks are monsters and we're all just pure evilness and selfishness. Not all BDP guys and gals are like that and this personality disorder is portrayed so negative and poorly...
Generally, when you've been abused by someone with BPD you have no sympathy for the disorder. There is a reason you are all portrayed like awful people, most of you actually are.
@@void9938 I learned something really humbling in my first hospitalization for a moth in psych guard: 1. Generalizing or assuming is nonsense, a waste of time and energy; is better to waist that energy in learning about the people you're generalizing from. Healing yourself also. At least that makes you wiser and compassionate. 2. There're monsters out there that don't have a diagnosis, don't take any medication and even don't fit into the criteria of a mental health patient, and those are worse. 3. Some people with x condition can be and act like this, other person with the same condition might act like that. We are individuals and a flu doesn't hit the same way 2 individuals, so imagine a mental health conditions. 4. Having a mental health condition doesn't: - Justify being an asshole, you gotta held accountable for the emotions and damages done and take responsibility for them (some people are assholes without psychiatric conditions and never take responsibility). - Being a piece of crap with any living creature is a choice, conditions like this are not. - Doesn't imply either to take bs or disrespectful, undignified or ignorant treatment from nobody. Edit: typos and grammar
I cried all the way through this. This is definitely me. My family won't ever be able to work with me so somehow I have to figure out how to implement these things for myself in a way.
I feel this and it sucks. Having an unsupportive dad can be hard too because it just knocks you back down when they make you feel like down. Sometimes even feel like no one will ever be able to handle me and it sucks because I want to be a better person.
Being a close friend with someone suffering from BPD is like being in an alternate reality. Rational rules don't apply and it's exhausting to be the stable, voice of reason in spite of all the mood swings and reactions the BPD individual has. It felt like walking an emotional tightrope: working to keep the relationship drama and trigger free absorbed too much of my time and energy. The person I knew was incredibly manipulative (although transparent) and draining. Aside from having a child with this disorder, I would not stay in a relationship with someone with BPD again. Ever.
So you think just because you don’t have BPD you’re rational and stable and the voice of reason? Wow. Sounds like you might have narcissistic personality disorder 🙄 that person is better off without a judgemental uneducated asshole like you who pats themselves on the back for nothing
My sister has completely worn me out, emotionally and physically. It is almost impossible to not engage with her, she watches my Every step in life. My mother wants to keep us together but i'm so tired of the whole situation. When my mom is no longer with us i know for sure i will disown her. That sound harsh but i want my own life, i feel suffocated to the core of my being. It doesn't help that she is stoned 24/7. I love my mother dearly but i hate the fact that she doesn't respect my boundaries towards my sister. She's my only sibling but i feel like an only child. I'm dealing with her drama from the age of 15, i'm 54 now. Everyone is Walking on eggshells, it's so extremely toxic.
I am graduating with my BS in 7 weeks, and I am so glad I have found you. The way you explain things is so down to earth. So many times I see therapist use their therapeutic lingo and leaving a person more confused than they were. I always allow people I help to know; Change will not take place unless their loved one wants the help. In other words, they have to want to seek or have the drive to have the help; or it will be an endless battle. Many thanks.
Thank you for this video, my girlfriend has BPD and I want to be there for her no matter what and I'm trying to understand her better. I love her so much and I want her to know that.
My ex with BPD jumped into a new relationship right after me and I gave her all the love in the world, all my time, energy and effort. It was all for nothing
Yeah.... 39 years of being married to this BPD woman... has resulted in deep emotional scars in me that I am now fighting every day against psychosomatic pain! Right now. I was JUST OK! Bur writing that down has induced PAIN. In face, neck, jaw.... I can't help it. It just happens. The ONLY thing that really helps me... is a GOOD SLEEP! I can wake up with NO PAIN. And that will last for maybe 15 mins... then the day starts again and just gets worse. Why am I here at 4 AM? Because I felt good for a bit and got up. Trying to go back to sleep....
Thank you for all that you do. My situation with my partner had reached extremes that I could not understand. Your content has been very refreshing as well as liberating. Although the hard work is far from over. I feel I can let out a bit of a sigh of relief knowing that I am not completely lost in my sense of direction.
My sister has borderline personality disorder. Beneath her smiles, she was undermining me with my parents and after they died, she started with the rest of my family. That's when I learned who she is, as opposed to whom I imagined her to be. My brother let me read the bcc she sent. I don't want her in my life and have ended all contact. Love is simply not enough.
One time I didn’t answer my friend with bpd FaceTime call. I was sleeping it woke me up and I actually turned my phone off. So next morning I listened to a voice message of them saying my name sounding sad or crying voice, I thought they killed them self because I didn’t answer, but they were totally fine and was actually something funny they were going to tell me. It’s hard not to feel manipulated!
I have been completely impervious to insults and triggers, the relationship was also quite stimulating... Until my ex with BPD turned to child abuse, this did trigger me and caused despair. Anyway, full custody now, 'CPS' had more or less the right ideas, I do everything they want so I they handle her now.
I have a girlfriend, diagnosed with BPD and she's also bipolar type 2. She rarely sleeps. She creates conspiracy theories involving me. One example is she thinks I'm hacking her phone. With these unfounded theories she creates, she then tries to punish me. Breaking things that belong to me, like my cellphone, laptop ect, what ever seems to correlate with the conspiracy. It frustrates me because there is nothing that supports these conspiracies. It disrupts my work and it's embarrassing to have to inform people why I couldn't return calls, my phone was broken, I couldn't access their number. Or if my laptop is broken, which has happened three times, I couldn't access work. How many excuses can I provide before it's just insanity? My girlfriend has prescriptions but she refuses to take her medications because she believes it's making her hair fall out. It's another conspiracy. If I try to reinsure her, it just feeds into her fear that I want her hair to fall out. It's just not true. All things I say, don't say, things I do or don't do get woven into her conspiracies. I feel hopeless navigating these events and some times she gets violent, hitting me, biting me, scratching me ect. Her anger over things I'm not even doing. Leaving her, or avoiding her just makes it worse and her anger just gets worse. I'm at my wits end on how to handle it, how to navigate it. Nothing seems to work.
Honestly from someone who dated a girl with bpd she never did that in person over text though she was an entirely different person so we decided it’s best to just have contact in person rather over text.
Just tell them you love them or leave a note which says you love them everyday. Hug them when they are angry or sad apologize sincerely with love if you did hurt their feelings. Dont ever make them feel like you don't need em or hate em. If you dont have time for them tell them they can surpress their emotions and wait but usually they will be sad or angry most of the time cold when you approach them after leaving don't get them wrong because thats their way to cope with the pain, know thats not them being like that to you because they hate you but more because they missed you and love you.
@DrDanielFox I'm trying to plan a wedding now with a BPT woman. Basically good person with really difficult tendencies born of severe abuse and rejection in childhood.
Me and my gf came to the conclusion that she has to have this yesterday. It’s been 2 and a half years of what I can only explain as a Emotional roller coaster ride every day and week. It got to the point many times that I felt like I was going insane (not trying to offended any one) with her ultimatums and thinking only in black and white with no grey area or compromising. I thought to myself over and over, that something isn’t right. Her constant insecurities, fear of abandonment (and it only made it worse when I would ACTUALLY leave), trust issues, self harm or threats of suicide, what can sometimes feel like “Manipulation”, extreme anger at the drop of the dime, self destructive behavior constantly, substance abuse (mainly Xanax which who wouldn’t want to calm down honestly) and even dissociation . I always knew something wasn’t okay, but I’m not a psychiatrist and I feel like many of us struggle with some form of mental illness just at different intensities. Some one with bpd can’t control what they say or do, but to THEM it feels real or surreal and in that moment wether it’s love or hate they FEEEEEL it. Imagine your worst break up ever and then feeling that way about something seemingly small every day. I’m sorry if I’m not giving the best metaphors or examples, I only just realized what this really is yesterday. I honestly thought the hurtful spiteful mean things that she would say to me were purposeful and she meant it and IN THAT MOMENT she might really mean it. But every single time like clockwork it subsides in a very short time span like a literal hour and is replaced with regret or maybe apologies. I used to struggle with being able to tell if I was purposefully strategically being manipulated, but I wasn’t. For them the way they lash out is because of fear of abandonment and it’s not like the orchestrated ways to manipulate you, it’s a heat of the moment fight or flight response due to real or made scenarios in their heads. BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL she is one of the most amazing, loving, kind hearted, Intelligent, empathetic, and rational person I know and I don’t wish to change her for my own selfish gain, I want her to adapt and find her own inner peace. I also understand self diagnosing isn’t a good thing but out of 9 symptoms or signs we both agree that she has atleast 7 and possibly the full 9. I KNOW it’s hard, but I’m going to get through this with her and for her because if no one else does I see the inner beauty waiting to come to the surface. If you love some one with it or you think u may have it you are not alone I want as many people to see this as possible, So Thank you for reading guys!
How are things going with you and your gf 7 months later?
Wow. i can only hope and wish for this. For someone to be understanding me completely and together work on it. Help me work on it. Amazing words. I'm going to copy and share this with hopefully my future partner.
Well said Dave and I commend your perseverance with your loved one
@@freefall0483 I can guess. Nobody should live like this sorry
i know it’s bad to diagnose someone but my ex is exactly what you just described. the only way i could describe our relationship was that we had high highs and low lows. it was a rollercoaster of emotions. i ended things with him after i confronted him on a lie he said then i found out it’s a series of lies. he literally lies for no reason, no purpose and the truth wouldn’t have hurt at all! he previously also lied about self harming, he said he hurt himself and got admitted to the hospital then i found out he didnt, i believe he was scared i’d break up with him after a big argument we had, and manipulated me into sticking with him. is serial lying a big factor in bpd? it’s extremely heartbreaking.
It’s so hard not to take it personally when they snap. And you just wanna be there for them and you don’t want to give up because you love them so much
It is man .. understanding what they have made it a little easier .. before I didn’t know my girlfriend had this and I couldn’t explain how or why she reacted certain ways .. I literally thought I was insane then learning about this I came to understand it better and how to react when she’s experiencing symptoms . Still hard regardless but what isn’t ? I mean seriously what human doesn’t have some sort of mental condition nowadays .. whether it’s anxiety , depression , BDP , NPD , bipolar etc . I have depression and she’s so understanding when I’m having an episode ,, I’m a little cold and distant during that time and she never gets mad at me so how could I when she’s having an BDP episode ? It’s tough but it can work I think if you work together and especially if they realize their problem .. if they don’t acknowledge it .. it’s just a lost cause
I wish I had someone that didn't give up on me, everyone has so far
I have BPD and my mom has traits, so I know what it feels like to be on both sides. Try to think of BPD as a stomach bug. Would you take it personally if someone pooped their pants in your presence? Because this is what it is. A reaction to the BPD bug, not to you.
One other thing that I'd advise you to do is to gently communicate your feelings AFTER they've calmed down. Tell them you love them and and that this is why you want to talk to them about your feelings. Don't use phrases like "I love you, BUT"; it sounds like an attack. Use phrases like "I love you, SO (I want you to know...)" I've been in a really healthy relationship for the last 10 months, have some great friendships and a stable relationship with my mom and my brother despite my BPD, and I can tell you that clear communication is one of the most important components. I rarely snap nowadays (though I used to have multiple meltdowns in a day) and, after I do, we always communicate how both sides felt at the moment. It's very hard for me to hear how I made the other person feel and it sometimes triggers my self-destructive urges, but I know from my relationship with my mom how important it is for both of us to calmly discuss what happened. And, whatever you do, DO NOT SHAME THEM for anything. Shame only triggers more destructive behaviours. Patience, love and communication are the keys. And remember: it is like pooping their pants due to having a stomach bug. It is nothing personal.
@@AnaDabmian Hi Ana!! My GF of almost a year now has BPD, she has great issues socially with her family, friends and basically social interactions as a whole. As her boyfriend I don't really know what to do most of the time, you mentioned clear communication being really important, but when I tell her communicating with her family could help she mentions their lack of care. Could it truly be that her family members are just this careless towards her to the point of causing several extreme meltdowns and a lot of selfharm? or is it an issue of communication?
@@Bedewii69 Hi. :)
As I have not met her family, I can not tell for sure whether she is just splitting on them or they truly are careless. Clear communication requires BOTH sides to be ready and able to communicate efficiently. As she obviously has a problem with it, I'd dare to say that her parents do as well, or otherwise they would have thought her better communication skills. The belief that someone doesn't care about you doesn't come from nowhere; even if they do care (which is, statistically, more likely), they probably have trouble showing it to her, or at least had it while she was growing up.
For someone in your position, I think it doesn't matter much whether they are truly entirely careless or if it's just her perception. Because, FOR HER, IT IS REAL EITHER WAY. As her boyfriend, it is not your job to "fix" her belief system; your job is to support her and show her that you understand her feelings and respect her decisions even when you don't quite agree with how she perceives something.
Because, if you keep pushing her, it's far more likely that she will split on YOU, in the end, than change her mind about people who, obviously, hurt her in one way or another.
So, try to focus on YOUR relationship with her. ALWAYS RESPECT HER REALITY, even when you don't quite agree with it. If you manage to create a feeling of safety in the relationship between the two of you (which, as far as I know, all of us with BPD crave), she is far more likely to heal and, subsequently, be more open to fixing her relationship with her family (unless they truly are careless monsters, in, which case, she will stay away from them with less confusion).
I hope that answers your question. :) If you want to ask something else, feel free to.
Ana
This seems rational to most people who don’t have BPD, but living with my undiagnosed mother for over 20 years I’ve come to the realization that her rules are always changing and it’s not my job to anticipate when her next trigger or reaction will be because it always will come, no matter how much you try to prevent it. And since we’re not perfect either and may have our bad days or less patient days, or days that we can’t rush to their assistance, those will be used against us as “not loving them” or hating them and how we “always” or “never” do something else. If you are able to leave then don’t wait another minute. Moving out was one of the best things I could have done for my mental health
It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I'm glad you found a way to prioritize your mental health.
#1 tips : It's not always your fault, don't feel guilty for how she feels all the time. That doesn't mean to not care, but don't take it personally.
Agreed I’ve learned to take it day by day be positive.
It’s very hard to NOT take it personally when you’re being constantly attacked verbally with insults and lies.
Yeah, try to not take it personally when someone slaps you in the face because they're in a rage over absolutely nothing and then tells police YOU are the abuser. Good luck with that. You people need to grow some balls and stop bowing to these psychopaths. I'm sick of bowing to them and we all should be tired of it. They're insane people that don't EVER need to be in relationships and don't even need to be free amongst the rest of us that are mentally stable. All they do is cause havoc with everyone and everything around them.
I have BPD and I want to say to all the people in the comments who are thinking about leaving, please pressure your loved one into going into therapy. Before you leave, make sure they get into therapy, make sure that they’re in a good place. Being abandoned by someone is the worst feeling in the world for somebody with BPD. It feels like you’re dying. You shouldn’t have to be a punching bag for someone, but you shouldn’t be creating an even bigger problem.
the internet has taken over my life I get what you’re saying and that is the ideal situation. The fact of the matter is most of us will stay until our breaking point because we know how the person is going to act once we do have to make that choice for our own health and well-being. Definitely try and get them to see a therapist but also remember to put yourself and needs first. If someone’s toxic in your life you’ve got to let them go or they’re just going to bring you down with them.
Honestly anyone with bpd should already be in therapy if they want to maintain positive lasting relationships. people can only take so much instability and being someone’s doormat before they reach their breaking point
Most of the times we feel abandoned by a borderline himself. NO contact, NO communication, PLENTY of discards. You call, no answer. You message, he blocked you. In a time like nothing happened, I have a trouble, pay me one bill! Relationship with one it was a rollercoaster. Least you need in relationship is constant communication, why to bother screaming, if no one is answering? I can tell you, I tried to call or message my ex gay guy for hours a day let's go somewhere, let's do this or that, no answer. Eventually you just get tired and leave.
I stay away from family. They are super-destructive to positive changes I have worked so hard on the past years. Crabs in a bucket.
ggwoman I feel this. Doing a lot of reevaluating.
@@katierichley4130 and Katie Richley, I hope you never stop checking the boundaries from time to time. I am the husband and father of a three-generation family with a mother/grandmother with BPD. One of the children woke up, saw it for what it is and opened the door for others to recognize it too, and share with each other. This changed the whole family dynamic, and now several of us are ready and able to work on it together.
Me too!
John Victor Cross that’s awesome. Sending good vibes.
De-familied myself completely. Why the hell would I spend time with the very broken souls that broke me. No freaking thanks.
Currently I'm married to a man with BPD coupled with Dysthymia and severe anxiety its been absolute hell. One second its amazing hes the sweetest we get along well, the next he raging mean yelling, then I distance myself just for him to feel abandoned by me I get close again feeling bad, then BOOM another episode. Feels like manipulation but I know it's just an illness. I'm loosing myself in the process I've never been this unhappy in my life
Update: it's been a whole year since I've made this post and I'm proud to say I've finally built enough courage to leave. It doesn't get better and it took me a while to accept this. Anyways, I'm the happiest I've ever been and IM FREEEEEE 💗
@lola a It’s very hard and if he’s amazing give him a chance this is treatable and I pray for you I am going through the same thing and my wife is in your shoes do not give up
Has it gotten better? Going through this right now...
@@sydneypeck2619 just leave, you're wasting your life, health, and sanity on someone that is fundamentally broken. No counter points, just leave. It is a giant web of craziness and will just drag you down and in to it. The highs or whatever aren't worth it. Your compassion isn't worth it.
I am your husband. What you are describing is what I hear from partners.
All i can say with a heavy heart. Leave. You have to, HAVE, to put your mentally first. There is not other way.
I'm literally saying. leave me, for your own good. 💔💔💔
@@pr8872 I'm contemplating it. But I know I should leave
It’s so rare to see even doctors talk about BPD in a respectable regard. It makes me actually want to watch the video and learn from it. I’m going to share it with my partner who now wants to do couple DBT therapy with me. Thank you 🙏🏻
9:02 Sleep, sleep, sleep. “When you’re very tired, you have less resources to pull from”. Meaning, when we’re fully rested - we are more resourceful, break that down - we are more resilient, better listeners, more understanding & empathic, more able to remain objective. Thanks for your info! 🙏🏼
I really revere your compassionate approach to BPD. Thank you.
My teenage daughter has BPD and I find these kinds of videos very helpful. My goal as her mom is to give her all the support I can and to not trigger her.
Are you a single mother? Although I have no stats on this, I would think borderlines tend to be more common in single mother families for several reasons (women under too much stress, emotional regulation being transferred more ny the father) I think a positive, stable male role model (sports coach, music teacher etc..) could help. Also a sport requiring discipline and perhaps cooperation.
thank you for watching it and looking into it more for your daughter. it’ll get easier if you keep doing what you’re doing ♥️
@@juliettailor1616
No I'm not a single mom I am a married stay at home mom
@Natalie
Sending you a mom hug
Well, honey I promise you this. Just the simple fact that you left the comment on a video that is the subject of this one literally just the simple fact that you did that would mean the world to me if I stumbled up on my mom listening to something like this and then maybe greeting me a certain way to see how I'm feeling for that day and maybe if she came out and said you know I think that BPD thing you was talkin about sun is definitely wants this generational curse is that we are all dealing with here and I'm behind you one-hundred percent let's go do this together or separate but we need to do this all at once so we can all be better for each other that would mean the world to me more than you guys know because she is an awesome mom she busted her ask for me raised me was way overprotective I can't blame her for that because I'm the same way and just trust me when I say the simple fact you're on here watching this should go a long long way if your daughter or whoever it was is honest with themselves at least it will go a long way I promise
Always appreciate your videos. Thank you for your rare ability to approach BPD with a respect/compassion/responsibility perspective. You truly understand the way our minds work, express compassion for us (which, in the internet age, very few do), yet manage to hold us responsible in a kind, encouraging, but firm way. I really do respond well to your information. I hope you know just how much your videos touch the hearts and give hope.
Said!!!! And yes absolue
I agree 100% 😉 I feel I respond well to your information. I want to find a psychiatrist or therapist that has the same qualities that you have. ❤
@@daughteroftheking5700 Exactly,You ain't lying.Its always the ones on video that I find competent and compassionate.I have found none like that at home.
@@razorsharplifestyle101hard9Fo real! Same here, I haven't found one yet. Still looking. It's crucial to find someone with empathy.
@@daughteroftheking5700 Exactly,Are you single and available? Maybe we can get to know each other.
I like this guy because he gives hope to those with BPD and those who are in relationship with them.
On the other hand let's not forget that being in a relationship with someone who has severe BPD and who's not treated can just destroy you and your entire life, it can litterally turn you into an unrecognizable wreck.
A living hell for sure 😢
@@andreahageman1270 Amen
to hell with having a relationship with someone with bpd their like narcs their fake as hell they talk noting but nonesense
becuase they have a broken reality disorder they have no footing in reality what so ever their deluded you cant have a healthy relationship with someone like
that your more than likly go insane as result and take on the disorder all they do is lie like narcs
I agree, but anyone can have the potential to unintentionally destroy you....not just people with bpd, though given the super sensitive emotions, yes, it is difficult for all concerned. Some of the most toxic people are the so called judge's (white coated sepulchre's)who aren't diagnosed with a personality disorder, and some of the most loveliest of souls are those with bpd.
Yep. This guy is knowledgeable but he also kisses people with BPDs ass too much and acts like they're not complete nut jobs. I'm sick of everyone trying to coddle the severely mentally ill especially at the expense of the rest of us.
After 5 years of trying to save someone I’m at the point where I’m now trying to save myself ,
I didn’t cause this and I can’t fix it !
Boundaries don’t work they figure them out real fast ,
Simple communication turns into a manipulation
Your not here in this world to walk on egg shells and second guess yourself !
Looking after someone’s emotions is not love
To be honest I think by giving them a stable supportive environment just makes them worse !
It’s crazy how those glimmers of what was essential got you hooked fade over time till your living in a fantasy world thinking how you can escape .
I don’t deserve this life! That’s where I’m at
how are you ?
I can’t help but feel I’m going to die alone if I can’t sort myself out from this
It can be so challenging loving someone with BPD. I want to be close like we use to be but they get so angry at random that I now I walk on eggshells. I can’t help but feel resentment 😔 after they lash out at me. I feel like everything I say offends them. It’s hard for me to trust their judgment and decision making, especially about the big life decisions. They can feel my hesitation and genuine fear for them, and are left feeling rejected or abandoned.
I'm so sorry. We never want you to ever feel that way. But we also do not know how to make it better. I'm sorry.
I totally agree. We have to leave.
This is exactly how I feel and it’s horrible and traumatising
So get this.
Feels
You are the only doctor I watch talk about BPD… The way you address the topic is from inside the bubble (with us) because you see us as people. If you only heard all of those podcasts and videos (with good intentions I guess?) that talk about BPD and people with BPD as if we were monsters or an animal… it’s very weird, as if they didn’t fully get the core and sense of it. I can totally see that you understand BPD SOOOO WELL! Greetings from Poland. 😊
Boy! You sure hit the nail on the head. I have bpd and am now 70 years old. I've had tons of counseling and now like and love the person that I now am. I started pulling all together at 40 years old. I am loving, caring and do dog rescue. I feel whole for the most part but under times of stress my bpd rears its ugly head. But I'm fully aware of what's happening when it does.and most importantly I'm forgiving to self when I see things black or white. I recognize it for what it is. I can joke with my mother now who at 94 is still critical of Mr and never validates me that often...this is the height of not being validated...when I was a little girl and said. I have to ho to the bathroom she would say..." No u don't,! U just went". Stuff like that. The crazy making stuff. So in my twenties and most of thirties I was crazy!! Drugs alcohol men..u name it. I plainly see what happened to me now. Maybe some genetic...lots environment! I know she's never gonna change, god love her. So I had to get myself help...and at 70 I still need good advice so thanks so much!! Oh! And now I'm paid back in spades because my granddaughter that I raised has bpd and going thru so much. This video helps so much in dealing with her. I do walk on egg shell, but I dont make it about me. I'm here to help her and I especially like the part where I'm careful not to trigger her. Sometimes the less I say, the better. I will say tho that although she was a u know what during her pregnancies ( she has 2 small children) she is a wonderful mother!! I have always listened to her and validated her feelings. And lots and lots of love. The first time.e my dad told me he loved me was on his deathbed 2 years ago. I tell my children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren every day!! And lots of hugs and kisses...even tho I never had that from my parents. They were good people, just didn't know how I guess. Thanks for letting me share.
A touching story. You are a beautiful person.
Stay well.
I hope youre doing well 😊
You’re a wonderful person. Sending lots of love to your family 💜💜
I’m nearly 70 as well, and it has taken years to finally accept and actually like myself. It could be age, but I think it had a lot to do with my mother passing at age 93. I could never do anything right. Among other things she begged my two sisters when I was still in middle school or so, to please don’t grow up to be like me! I was a quiet, meek child at the time but I would question “why?” too much I guess. She had a permanent negative effect on me when she said, “Stop crying. You look ugly when you cry and no one will like you.” !! Talk about setting the stage for any number of behavioral issues! But parents of that era didn’t know warmth either I guess.
I didn’t know people even hugged their kids. I loved my kids dearly and related to them better than she did to me, but still I wish I could have known to do more. They love me I know and are still in my world, but I could have been more reassuring if I had the tools. I still fear letting someone down by voicing my feelings which could result in rejection.
@@SophieBird07 Thank u for sharing 🙏🙏🙏
I’ve been married to a woman for 15yrs and all I can say is I feel like I’ve been sentenced to hell while alive the pathological lies, the anger, the emotional abuse, the cheating, the spending, the laziness and filth. It lead me to alcoholism for years and now medically managed depression and anxiety. I’ve finally drawn a line and said if u don’t get help I have to leave because she’s literally killing me. It’s the first source of hope I’ve had in a long time. I thought she was a psychopath and I mean the real thing not ur crazy x girlfriend but the more I’ve looked into it the more I believe there is a 100% chance this is it.
Triggers rarely, if ever has anything to do with a certain day/time-it’s people/behavior based-99.9% of the time.
It's definitely people based for my guy. Unless he has nightmares the night before. He will wake up moody but it doesn't last long.
Yes!! Like we are allergic to other people!!!
Thats 100% incorrect. I usually trigger in the morning due to a natural low dopamine level coming out of sleep, as we all do. As I have bpd AND bipolar, mornings are incredibly difficult for me no matter the people/behaviors.
My ex gf had it. we got together two years ago (she met me a bit after she wanted to kill herself). She was so self aware and knew that something was off but she never got the help she needed. Her social cirlce was not the best so i believe she kinda grabbed on to me to save herself.
What was not okay is that even though she knew she needed help (diagnosed or not) she would never get it, until the relationship started to deteriorate. In the beginning i would be her savior (sign of BPD: put people on the pedestal without knowing them) and when the relationship started to get realistic and having a few problems (sing of BPD:she would blame me for everything). She left the relationship with a two line message (sign of BPD: fear of abandonment) so she broke it off before I did.
So on that note, i will say that you are not responsible for the cause of your trauma but you are responsible to help yourself. So yes, I do feel sorry for her but let's not give those people excuses. She could have handled it a lot better, especially when she was self aware enough to realise she was mentally unstable. Because guys, I now have PTSD from that relationship and I still get panick attacks sometimes.
I am not blaming her BPD but I AM blaming her for not doing anything about it. She managed to hurt herself and the people around her and that is super sad because she was not ignorant. She may not have known exactly the name of her condition but she ought it to herself and secondly to the people around her to better herself.
Now she's in therapy (she started a year ago when we were still together) but a lot of damage had already been done to both parties unfortunately. I do not mean to be insensitive but she's already dating someone new (8 months after the break up) and I am like.
Great, now that youre going to therapy maybe you can save this relationship at least. But will she ever understand the damage she had done to me? A person that loved her so much and I was trying to help her throughout the relationship. I really did. But nothing i would do or say could change her intrusive thoughts....
Sure, she started going to therapy finally but at what cost guys? After she ruined another human being, devalued and discared them (sign of BPD) .... I do understand that this is her illness at play but still the outcome is the same. I am going to therapy now as well trying to process the relationship trauma.
Trust me, if she’s in therapy thenshe knows and is sad about what she’s done to you and feels great shame.
Yep it’s horrible
Any advice for the BPD person on how to discern when I'm actually being treated unfairly vs just perceiving things being that way?
Learn to know and love yourself and make a list of what you deserve and why. Hold steady this, you deserve kindness, compassion, understanding, all those things we all deserve but you have to find yours as well. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox all those things seem broad, and a BPD person can demand an unrealistic amount of any of those things, do you not agree? Furthermore, if a person follows the advice of your comment here, do you think they would be willing to depart from a person that doesn't give them what they deserve, or do you suspect they might hang around, asserting constantly that the other person isn't good enough?
Thank you. I thought I was the only one that dealt with that kind of paranoia. Used to think my wife was trying to kill me.
I only wish to see my partner live their life at peace. I know I take part in making matters worse a lot of times but, I am learning.🙏🏽 thank you sir.
@@DrDanielFox I've been admitted to hospital so many times I have lost count I know have depression with suicidal idiation several serious attempted tried to end it all I've been diagnosed and treated with the whole spectrum of mental desease and when I first heard about bpd I was amazed that's me I said not so my doctor's how do I get them to see it what's up with that?😡 I'm so grateful for your help I have no doubt that I do indeed have bpd
1 thing that worked like wonder. When they get angry, firstly tell them /msg them , that you are sorry that they are angry and upset . Tell them their anger is justified (even if its irrational,understand they are I'll and need help.) Tell them you're here to help. This states in clear words what they are feeling inside, that they cannot make sense of.
That sounds to simple does it work that easy?
i agree, and if you try to justify yourself it only makes it worse
That sounds like reaffirming their already held view that they are the centre of the world and the only persons that has feelings is them.
Yup it always helps to hear, ur right! Ur allowed to be angry
But the word '' help''.. Im here to help " i dont recommend that at all. Dont make ur act of listening and being on my side for a sec sound so Labour intensive!!
You also dont need to say : im here, just be present. People who need to say if u need me im there... Are by default not there! U wanna be there? BE there.
Yep my man has asked that I interupt his tantrums. Which at first when he asked me seemed unfair. As I need to responsiable for his behavior.
Now a couple years later. Fine I am willing to give it a try.
If he only knew how scary he is during a outburt to realize why I would be hesitant.
They seem capable of thinking through the nature of their problems, and analyzing them and discussing it, but not capable whatsoever of implementing any solutions.
Been married over 20 years and only realised a year ago my wife had BPD - was watching an educational video on BPD and just smacked me in the face "THAT's IT!"
I've made massive mistakes at the start and early on in our relationship - but you would think they only happened yesterday
I've grown and matured, I've changed and developed character - but I'm told daily I'm just the same, probably worse
I love my wife more than I ever have before - but I feel I have to cut off my emotions in order just to survive
She is truly wonderful and amazing, better than the best mother for our children... I don't know how to get her the help she needs and most likely would refute saying that it's just me trying to undermine her and make her the blame or problem or whatever else it is
She also has developed lupus in the last few years which makes her tired and so unwell
I would never suicide but sadly now I SO UNDERSTAND why people end up at that point
I have no friends
I am in a similar situation. My fiancé and I have been together 10 years and it’s only been in the last year or two that things got out of hand (she had a favourite person that caused us a lot of problems). She was only formally diagnosed a year or so ago, and it’s been tough but through online and books I’ve learnt to understand the disorder but it’s still a massive struggle. When you say you have to cut off your emotions to survive, I can relate to that in every sense and it can be hard to stay silent and walk on eggshells (great book by the way of you haven’t heard of it). Stay strong my friend, wish you and your family well ✌️
same dude.. same
Jesus is your friend. Try a church for fellowship and worship
@@wms72 been there, done that... still pulling the knives out of my back! (not from Jesus though, just all the Judases!)
No wonder you feel depressed if you have to cut off your emotions and walk on eggshells. I have BPD and my ex also felt like he had to walk on eggshells. I felt terribble to hear this, made me feel abandoned, wich was a huge trigger for me, wich confirmed him in his feelings and so on. The things dr Fox are saying about boundaries are spot on though. When i am really emotional or raging i feel like a lost child who needs something to hold on too. I'm very sorry youre in this situation, it was much later i realised how abusive my behavior was and i think men are taken less serious when it comes down to abuse then women. But if youre going to stay in this marriage or not, you need to get to work to take care of yourself. Maybe you can see a therapist? I would also suggest to read the book codependent no more!
My partner has bpd. I think I speak for everyone watching when I say thank you for all the work you do to deliver clear guidance for chaotic situations. My personal experience has solidified that as much open communication as possible is key to making the best out of these relationships.
what support systems do YOU have to take care of YOU? i'm so exhausted & so discouraged by my daughter's outlasting and vilifying me
@@jmsl910 it's important not to hate/resent her for her actions. You need to understand she's dealing with a literal mental illness. It's quite literally out of her control. But all those things you do to make her feel more comfortable is stuff you should also be doing for yourself. That's the "structure" he mentioned in the video. "Say what you mean, and do what you say"
@@jmsl910 you sound like a difficult mother to have. No wonder she developed it at a young age.
@@allison3605 well if she's receiving abuse that might actually be a totally reasonable statement for her to make.
I'm so tired of seeing people be rude and abusive in the comments under a channel like this.. of all places.
Think about it.
You don't know if this woman's description of her household is untrue.
You don't know if it is true.
She could be the monster in the household here to get narcissistic supply from any sympathy, or negative attention-let's face it, she might glean in the comments.
Or her daughter could be the monster in her household and this was actually just an overwhelmed fairly well-adjusted mother venting pretty reasonable frustrations.. And you just shame and discredited her victimhood.
Literally any of these options is as plausible as the next. That's the silver lining of ignorance and maintaining it. You can insert in the gap of your knowledge whatever idea you need to to justify whatever.
As long as we have so little respect for each other's experiences, testimonies, psychology, as long as we have so little respect and awareness of our own ignorance and how we wield it to sanction the poor treatment of others, there's no reason to anticipate that the rates of personality disorders like the ones discussed in this video, and worse, are going to go down anytime soon.
No wonder indeed.
I'm really scared right now, I learned about my diagnosis yesterday, I have BPD, I've been having some issues with my boyfriend due to a lot of the symptoms this causes, I am starting cognitive therapy this Tuesday and I'm excited caus eu hate feeling like this. But I'm also super scared that I won't be able to receive love form someone, or that everyone will leave due to this
I cried happy tears when I saw that u put this video out! I was one of the ones asking if u could do this type of video. It helps so much and I can't thank u enough!!! ❤
I would just like to add please, that just because one has bpd, it's not an excuse to hurt others, and just expect that others will swallow it up and show love and forgiveness all the time. People with bpd can cause others develop bpd, by hurting and rejecting them all the time.
I know that it is a real problem, but i don't like to call it an illness, rather an issue. I believe all can heal from it. I had it. No longer. We all have responsibility to work on our selves, our beliefs, our attitudes,etc. Doctors like in the video, are gifts from the Lord. Real healing and change of mind comes from The Words of Jesus Christ. But we all do need wise doctors, and thank you for your videos. God bless🙏🌻
What got you rid of this PD?
Thank you for the advice. I live with a BPD parent (father) and it's really something that doesn't get talked about a lot, but I don't think there's anything quite like it. On a selfish note, I feel very unfairly affected by the disorder, without having it myself and it causes me a great deal of frustration and anxiety. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and that puts me on edge constantly, without including the actual "episodes" he has and the consequential verbal abuse, ultimatums and threats I get, during those occurrences. On the other hand, I love my Dad. He's my best friend and he's always been there for me, so I want to be there for him too. It hurts me more to know that he is suffering from this disorder, than anything else.
My dad has BPD. And I also felt like I had to walk on eggshells growing up. Now he is a bit more stable, but my childhood was very chaotic and confusing because of his behavior. Just want to say you are not alone. And I agree it’s not talked about enough…having a father with BPD is a complex burden to bear.
I obviously tracked the triggers even though I was so young. I had to be so quiet to let her sleep. Almost not even breathing because she would even lash out for the smallest noise. I always had to watch my dad and check if he did something less than perfect and fix it. And usually I failed to satisfy my mom with my dad and I had to listen to her screaming for hours. Another thing that triggered her was my dads driving. Always an argument in the car. Also not being organized and neat triggered her. I couldn’t complain or get angry as a child because she got more angry and triggered than me. It left me feel my feelings don’t matter and I internalized all my feelings. Like I was invisible. What triggered me was how she did not let me sleep in late in the mornings as a teen. I was a night owl and slept late so I was sleep deprived. Her pms was another reason I was always yelled at, almost every month. I felt so depressed for a week because she got angry and made me feel so unworthy. She criticized me and compared me and made me feel useless. Another trigger was how I dressed in front of others. I had to always dress up which I hated the attention but if I didn’t she made me feel horrible for not meeting her standards and embarrassing her in front of others. She got better after I left home probably because I can now set boundaries. She doesn’t yell at me anymore but now knowing all the ways I had been traumatized as a child I am the one who gets angry with slightest reminders of the past trauma. And anger is so uncomfortable for me. I’ve never been thought how to get rid of it with out externalizing it. Now me getting angry makes her feel so hurt because, I’ve always been like a parent to her and just thinking how I’m hurting her makes me feel guilty. I love her. I just want my life back. I want to live free. I never wanted to be a parent. I want to be free and focus on my development without worrying about her. It’s sad, though here I am. I feel ok and I became a very independent, strong, organized, open minded, caring and logical person. I just have a hard time feeling connected to others which I hopefully will find all the right people who will understand me. I survived well! I’m proud of my young self.
Samina Yaghouty I have been reading a book that may help you called Running on Empty. I recommend looking it up and seeing if it applies to your personal situation or not. Good luck to you 🙂
Samina Yaghouty there’s a name for what you’re feeling. I feel it too. It’s called childhood emotional neglect. Google it. There are lots of resources. I think my mom is a borderline waif. Your mom sounds as difficult as mine. Just in different ways. Different triggers. So the song is different but the dance is the same. All the best to you. Be careful, this is going to predispose you to marry someone with similar traits. I did. It was very rocky.
Samina Yaghouty I experienced something very similar with my mother. I am in middle-age now and chose not to marry or have children. I didn’t start therapy until about 10 years ago which helped a bunch. It’s hard to come through the realization that our parents felt connected to us but didn’t really have the emotional attachment because they did not have it to give. As I’ve gotten older I’ve talk to my mom about her family more and her mother must’ve been a borderline in for sure her grandmother was as well. I did not know either one of them. Like you, I used to feel a lot of guilt and shame and my mom was very good about making me feel guilty and obligation. In fact my mom loved me when I was of utility for her, to do for her. Not for just being her daughter. Coming to that realization later in life is devastating. For that matter at any time in our lives. If you haven’t already I highly recommend professional therapy. And someone who has experience with this type of a situation. I’m very sorry that you have gone through this with your own mother. It sounds like you are on a path to a better future for yourself which includes setting boundaries. I had no idea what boundaries were and I had to have a therapist explain that to me. Oh and one more thing. During one particularly difficult time with my mom after my dad had gone into the hospital, and he was not able to come home. My mom became unhinged with me because she couldn’t get her way. Her provocations didn’t work one night. I very calmly and slowly responded to her and said this: I don’t need you to understand me. I don’t need you to except me. I don’t need you to love me. I don’t need you to get me. I get me. And that’s enough. I know there are times you feel I disappointed you and I’m OK with that too. I’m OK with all of it. That probably wasn’t the best way to handle it but this was before I understood more about borderline personality traits. I share this last part with you not to tell you to do the same thing. Not at all. But rather to let you know that like you, I was in a roll of caretaker to my mother which is what my mom wanted. It sounds like your mom was the same way. That’s not normal. The guilt we feel is unnatural and it’s OK to let it go. In fact it’s healthy to let it go. That gives our mothers their adult personal power and personal agency to take control and responsibility for their lives. For too long I always felt like I was my mothers emotional container. It’s as if she had no exterior container of her self and she needed me to play that role. Needless to say I have had numerous health issues in my life and I’m on a path to better healing. Sending love and light your way and wishing you a happy Thanksgiving if you are in the United States. Take good care of yourself.
It kind of sounds like your mom has npd. That’s my dad
I cried a lot reading this because I can relate to it, but a better future seems really far away since I depend financially (and emotionally) on her. I allways feel atacked when I express my feelings so I tend to avoid it since I don't think I have the strenght to go through a bad week (or month) like u mentioned before.
Knowing your triggers is so so important and letting people know, especially health professionals, like for an example I think my main one is the sentence “it’s in your head” or “it’s just in your head”, it triggers me because I was told all my problems were all in my head and I ended up believing it but that’s my true but it makes me from zero to furious in a heart beat.
Communication and trust is also so so important and comfort, as someone who has bpd, I always ask if I’m a terrible person and that’s not for attention it’s because I genuinely feel terrible and I’m scared they are going to leave.
That fear will never fade completely, please be patient with your loved one, I think that’s something that’s not mentioned but not been quick to temper and just listening and caring will go a long ass way.
shannon bedding patience is not endless. Your triggers are not their fault. That is why it is so important to not make excuses and get the help you require. Your partner will give you time and many chances. You will need as much as you can get. Don't waste any with lies and excuses as to why you either don't need to go to therapy or why you need to end it early.
@@freefall0483 Well stated.
@Sophie Astrid Rooth So, you are a borderline.
@Sophie Astrid Rooth May I ask as to why you are projecting shit onto my genuine expression?
Works both ways, dear.
Don't be an asshole. Learn how to address people with respect. There are countless ways you could have rephrased your outburst but because of your inherent need to be nasty, you chose the words that you wrote.
I look forward to seeing your response. I have anticipated a couple of variations of your most likely reply. Very interested to see if I am correct or not.
Free that’s bloody hateful; and disregards the trauma they were inflicted. You over correct and think they are all like this evil abuser. People like you are what keeps creating people such as that.
1. I know I must have plenty of sleep. It truly helps keep me less anxious and in the moment. 2. I realized feelings are temporary! 3. Structure, structure, structure! It helps prevent/ lessen angry eruptions.
Good comment.
Perfect advice by Daniel, but with a caveat: It applies if all those in the dynamic acknowledge the challenge of BPD (that there is an issue), are self aware, are willing to use rational thinking rather than emotional thinking, believe in personal development and believe that accountability is a good thing. Without these principles in the dynamic, it is not going to be effective
Having a child with BPD brings challenges that seem almost impossible to overcome. Patience and mindfulness for MYSELF have helped. Ofcourse, I've stayed in therapy myself in an effort to not create more hurt than necessary. We still have a long road ahead of us as she navigates college, but she's beginning to create her own life worth living. Thank you for this video.
Being an adult child of a parent in denial of their bpd, and being on the spectrum myself, the biggest tip i can think of is compassion, and validation, if you invalidate your loved ones feelings they will lose trust that you care for or love them, as well as compassion- if you can't show that person that you empathize or that you care about the way they feel when you do or say certain things, it makes you come off selfish and incapable of thinking of another's feelings and not just your own.. selfishness may be seen as necessary but I believe it is a very negative trait in any type of relationship , you have to be able to care about others as well as yourself and even better above just yourself especially in a loving and caring relationship like between a couple or child and parent.
I've been with my wife for 15 years. A couple of years in she told me she had been diagnosed with BPD (the quiet type). We went 15 years before she exhibited the first, and thus far only, major symptom of BPD which rocked me to my core, but nothing I am not willing to put the work in with her about. Especially after 15 beautiful years. I know I am lucky in that she was able to mostly control external chaos which never caused much issue for us as a couple, but everything just remained under the surface as she doesn't work through problems. If you love someone with BPD, it is my humble opinion that you must try and teach them how to ask themselves the right questions in order to identify and control their negative self talk. I didn't realize how unable my wife was to work thru issues until we hit this roadblock. Be patient but don't be a martyr if you're in a very toxic situation.
It takes so much from all of us to deal with it. I'm so tired of it. I'm exhausted
Breathe, relax and do your best my friend...
@@tg3137 breathing is SO, SO hard when it's your baby girl struggling...
Loving and living with a Borderline ten years of experience I could tell you without a doubt you cannot predict or track the moods or thoughts of a Borderline because others are the trigger it’s people who trigger a Borderline, boundaries help but eventually push them away because they feel like the person who sets boundaries don’t love them because they have no control over them.
Rob Marcelletti I agree with you that it’s people who set them off, but I believe the suggestion to create routines and not judge them really does help.
I have found that the BDP’er in my life can’t function without routines.
And people are unpredictable.
So here lies the issue lol.
If you CAN create routines as much as possible you may be able to kinda help you and this person.
Also when we create boundaries, many times we do so with a slight attitude. (Rightfully so most times)
But people with BPD are very sensitive and can pick up on the slightest attitude and the slightest ill will or smirk or someone being non-genuine.
You know... most times when this person told me I was acting insensitive or that my comment didn’t mean well like I was saying it did, he was right. I was being insensitive and I didn’t have the right attitude about the situation.
That's how they learn real love / tough love, that's hie they learn not to abuse and denigrate their loved ones.
Yes I agree totally. My bpd husband is all about control.
Rob Marcelletti That is not true. A person with BPD can switch the moods off at will whenever they want. They always start the relationship, usually around 3 months, being the most beautiful person you have ever met.
Then, whenever you are ready to leave, they can suddenly turn the evil off and go back to being sweet as honey.
These are learned behaviours. Invariably you have a person with zero impulse control and they refuse to learn it. They are a child. Their parents failed to rectify their 2 year old behavior and it has been rehearsed for decades.
But do not fool yourself that they can't control it. They can.
@Sassy The Sasquatch A borderline... Obviously...
Stay calm. Do not escalate. They will feel guilty afterwards for making you upset or hurting you, they don't want to hurt you most of the time and will feel very bad afterwards, staying calm and understanding that they aren't trying to hurt or cause problems helps settle things down faster and make the recovery after easier
This is true. Times I can't really control myself when someone does or says something that doesn't sit right with me, after a whole argument I'll be sat there for minutes if not hours thinking about what I've said or done, what I could've done, if I should've just kept quiet and walked away and everything else. Its really hard but we do feel very guilty after it because it's not something we want to do but it's hard to control.
So be abused and take it what you're saying. Better option is run away as fast as you can
Structure has been the most beneficial tool in my life.
Yes!! structure and routines. Keeping the outside as stabel as possible so my un-stable inside don't shatter as much.
please make more videos for people who have loved ones with BPD and how to better take care of yourself when your daughter/partner has BPD
I don’t think I could do this for anyone but my child or person I was working with in a professional capacity. I can’t imagine being in a friendship or romantic relationship where we’re supposed to be equal, where I have to should so much of the emotional responsibility while getting so little support back.
My mother never had any sort of diagnosis and I’m not going to try to sort things out in hindsight, but I had to learn how to cope with her feelings and moods so much that I grew up really fast. It was very hard and honestly emotionally abusive. Can’t do that again. It was hard being without family, but having her out of my life was such a weight off me. I could finally deal with my own anxiety and depression I had developed due to our relationship. I could finally find my own healthy relationships and support system.
Living with a parent that has strong borderline traits is exhausting. You always expect an unexpected outburst of anger. The problem is, you cannot even suggest to find psychological help because then you are criticizing them as a person. That is my experience at least.
Ordered one of the books. Hope it will help me and my siblings!
I feel just the same way. I’m honestly so sure that my sister has this disorder, but again, she will say that I’m criticizing her. I don’t even know what to do anymore more. It’s exhausting.
I am curious as to which book you purchased; I am looking for good books to help me. I’m in a very similar situation with one of my parents.
Exactly. My mother is one and she’s destroying my life . I am trying to find a stable job to get out of here there is nothing you can do for them . They will always blame you
@@SirenASMR_ What do you mean "is one"? I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through and it's great that you're drawing boundaries and stepping away. It's your mother's responsibility to get help. But please, we are people with BPD. "Is one" just sounds nasty, sorry. And please don't generalise your experience with your mother to make assumptions about everyone who has BPD. Saying things like "they always blame you" is just incorrect. Just stick to your mother's behaviour. BPD is horrific, absolutely horrific to live with, and a lot of people suffering it don't act out this way, a lot of them actually turn the harm on themselves, not the people around them. Please be conscious of your language. I genuinely wish you well and hope your mother gets good help.
@@rebecca_stone well said.
I have to watch this video multiple times a week/day because my husband just got diagnosed with bpd and ptsd. im trying to keep from taking things personally and actually be genuinely supportive. It can be hard for me to understand in the moment when he's having a mood flux and your videos help remind me that he's trying his best. I want to try my best too.
Interesting that you bring up sleep deprivation. I have BPD and Chronic Insomnia (I haven’t slept without heavy tranquilizers/hypnotics/antipsychotics in 7 years) and I struggle to sleep. And yes, when I don’t sleep, I go OFF big time.
Praying for you Mrs. Sawrie, my Mama had BPD and chronic insomnia tormented her all her life, God Bless You and praying for your healing and deliverance from BPD and insomnia in Jesus Holy Name, Amen!
Anxiety goes hand in hand with borderline and creates insomnia. Incidentally everyone goers off with sleep deprivation. Chronic in "developed" societies. There are ways to quiet your mind but one assumes that the underlying trauma is causing the anxiety. I would try a sleep hygiene routine with relaxing teas. Hot baths work well.
Exactly,You ain't lying.chronic insomnia aggravates my symptoms of paranoia and irritability big time.Unfortunately during this pandemic my relatives look at me judgementally because I am sleeping extensively because of medication and I am purposely introverted because of BPD and focusing on treatment for it instead of socializing and entertaining.And living under roof of a relative and only able to help them them with some of the household necessities makes them extremely judgmental of my mental health issues of BPD and bipolar 1.
@@juliettailor1616 Exactly,When you are tired you are grumpy naturally.But that is extremely different then chronic insomnia of BPD and bipolar 1.So those teas are helpful but they are not antipsychotic.So before you begin offering advice inform yourself more.
@MAFIOSA E Exactly, Melatonin helps but I takes seroquel because it's a antipsychotic.
I couldn't agree more in regards to structure and healthy regular sleep. It is extremely challenging with today's busy lives. I do feel, if structure remains a focus, even when things get knocked off course having a continuous effort towards it helps. It at minimum shows the BPD or troubled person that structure is of value. These people will love structure and not just a little. In the long run, believe me, It's the most loving thing someone can do for them.
Thank you Dr. Fox. There is no doubt you are an expert in this field. 👍
I liked what he said about toxic family systems. I had to let go of that dynamic altogether with love and prayers because they wouldn't get counseling. I now have others who celebrate me rather than tolerate me. It feels really good!
Sounds like you've got bpd yourself . I just left my crazy ex . Actually she's in gaol. I couldn't end it she wouldn't let me.
Thank you for creating helpful content related to BPD instead of condemning us.
Was watching this video for myself. Don’t have anyone around me who cares enough to research for me. So I’m just constantly living in triggers and going downwards, worse every time. Trying to help myself that’s why I’m here. Thanks for the video. It’s been helpful.
Good luck, stay strong.
Be careful, the personalities that are cold and hurtful to u can cause u to unknowingly store up anger towards the person with bpd or mpd that u are married to or love. Then when 1 of those cold personalities crosses a line with u and your defenses activate you could lose the personality that u love and that loves you forever. I watched the splinter happen and the love leave her face and body. 10 years of marriage down the drain because my rebuttal of words was 18 years of buildup dealing with this person. If u love someone with bpd or mpd then get in counseling for yourself to keep u from ruining your life and having your partner simply leave the life you've shared and disappear forever.
Dr Fox, your videos have been so helpful. I think it could be very helpful to go more extensively into how those around a BPD can help their loved one with BPD.
Loving someone who has BPD is so taxing and confusing. I believe more videos on managing and responding to a BPD loved one could help so many people out there.
I love your videos, I was just diagnosed with BPD and it’s really helped me figure out things about myself. I’ve always wondered what’s been wrong with me and I could never understand it. And it’s nice that you can help me and people around me figure out how to cope with how I’m feeling cause honestly it’s hard to manage this by myself
Same. I've attempted suicide multiple times because I don't feel like I'm worthy
My best friend has borderline personality disorder. And since im the only friend that she has, i tend to be more careful with my communication style so that she doesn't feel unsafe with me. I had a very deep depression until last year and im actually still recovering so i easily go back into a depressive mood when she's not happy near me. I want to help her but also trying not to lose myself again. She's very suicidal but doesn't want to do it by herself immediately, so she started smoking and using drugs, hoping a slow painful death. Since i don't want to go back to my depression again, i tried to find a good way to spend time with her while not feeling depressed. I said to her "i will study, do you want to study or read something with me? But know that i will only study and won't chat so much".
We still spend time with each other, I'm still making sure that she's okay and doesn't try anything bad like smoking, doing drugs or attempt suicide. I introduced her to my therapist and they started their sessions. I don't know if my strategy is good enough but it seems like we both do well without triggering each other.
I had no one to talk about this because all my friends and family know her. I didn't want to share these with them. But as you can understand, it feels heavy sometimes. So thank you for reading.
You’re welcome and it’s important to get it out. I wish you well.
You’re a good friend.
@@rizen9457 Thank you :) this made me feel seen
You are amazing. Thank you for what you’re doing for her ❤️
@@ALGARIC thank you for your kind words :')
Great to finally find someone doing this! Many do not have the option to run. I hope someday less children will be developing these problems as more people learn how important a child's feelings and emotional environment are to their entire life of well being.. Wish you were OUR Doctor!
@@CallmeCalypso very often one parent had addiction, lied and abandoned them. The parent who stayed and tried left to try and understand the situation. Also genetics play a part. Compulsive disorder /addictions eg gambling in a family can manifest if also mixed with an unstable parent. So please don't be so quick to judge
I’ve been in a on off relationship for 8 years, and never looked into this illness. The amount of guilt I have for never understanding what was happening and how I made things worse is eating me right now. However, my priority is my partners well being and healing. I know we can heal together. I am always going to love them, and will do everything in my power to improve things.
I've tried everything to give my son as much love as possible in his life. His dad went missing when he was 6 and I couldn't change this. Please don't assume everyone with bpd has a bad mother. I had to make the best of a bad situation for myself and both my son's. I have been trying so hard to understand bpd and do all I can.
I’m certainly not saying that, and I never would. I respect being a single mother, and doing the best that you can, I grew up with one myself. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you
Is your son diagnosed with BPD because of his father missing?
This has been so hard for me as well with a son with BPD traits. I find myself wondering what I did and how I could have been better. I know it probably stems from his father leaving when he was very young, but everyone always blames the mother.
Excellent. Thanks for recommending the “Stop Walking On Eggshells” book
Its come to a head now, I must take real action and steps towards learning how to properly deal with a relative with BPD traits. This is the first day of the rest of my life.
Today I've realised that I must sincerely create boundaries, not emotionally react to aggressive and hurtful language from somebody hunting for an argument. I cannot allow this person to continue to use anything as an excuse to start the insulting and arguing.
If somebody reads this, could you send a reply? just so I get a notification to remind me I made this pledge to myself.
How’d it go?
Proud of you for pledging to take care of yourself, ✌️
Thank you. Was recently diagnosed with BPD and have been learning a lot from you. You care and it’s obvious. Unfortunately there are therapists here on TH-cam that talk about what to do if someone is “stuck” with someone with BPD. May God bless you. I didn’t chose this but with love and support, I know I can learn to regulate my emotions, develop adaptive boundaries and healthy interpersonal skills.
+luisa pierce You are absolutely correct! You can learn the skills and use the strategies to control those emotional changes. I wish you all the best and thank you for your kind words.
I am wondering what book or books you would recommend I read that may help me. I believe my father was borderline (he is deceased now); but my youngest son is 22 and I’m almost certain he also suffers with BPD. Any materials you recommend will be so greatly appreciated.
Luisa, I know it's hard, but you seem happy that you are aware that you have BPD. What do you suggest for those of us who love a partner that has BPD but has not accepted it and looks for diagnoses that frame it as something other and helps them skirt the issues?
John Victor Cross
Going through the same and looking for the same answer
Thank you, this was really helpful.
I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, and so I have been seeing her behavior in a new light. I recognize now that her version of reality is different than mine, and I must remember that every time I communicate with her.
I have been setting more boundaries lately, as she has been overprotective of me in the past. I am becoming an older adult (27) and want to make my own decisions without their input.
I do love her, so it's hard to distance myself from her at times, but I feel calmer overall.
its commendable that you would try to understand rather than distance yourself or judge your mum, she has still managed to raise an awesome human being and im sure as a team she can learn to manage some of her triggers too
The underlying assumption is that the family actually cares about the person and wants to help..
Despite all advice I have received on this subject thru research ,friends and doctors orders to stay away, my heart has not healed thus far and loving will continue no matter what happens! My life has been changed on so many levels in the past 3 years that risking it all is inevitable.I never or will ever learn to give up.Chances are worth risking IMHO!
Never give up :)
I’m struggling to get my partner diagnosed. He gets explosively angry at the suggestion.
Today he was in a rage because I let the dogs out for a pee.
How do you supportive those with BPD without rewarding them for their maladaptive behaviors?
A book I found very, very helpful in understanding BPD and also accepting that I myself have BPD (which at least 5 professionals have told me and I'm still like "nahhhh!") is "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" (Revised Edition) by Robert O. Friedel. His insights are so amazingly accurate, it's scary!! :)
Lightnin Bug great suggestion. Thanks.
Hi Lightnin Bug, I will defo check this book out, thank you for the suggestion :)
thank u!!!! i hope to suggest this one day.
Thank you for that. I'm gonna buy that book
This is very hard, my daughter -in-law had it and she is awful! Supposedly she been being treated for a long time but she only gets worse. She’s not only wrecking my so. But also doing untold damage to her children. You can’t tell her anything ever. She does whatever she wants and you will do it too. She is not affectionate to her children in a healthy way, seems to view people as adversaries while she is amazing🙄. I want to live her but wow. I just want to protect my son and grandchildren.😤
My gf has bpd,and is bipolar,she's a handful at times,making mountains out of molehills, and getting extremely mad. My fault was I bought into her fights instead of ignoring her and keeping it moving ,treating her good despite bad behaviour, or telling her to go home or taking her home. We split up after 5 years bc her anger towards me was ridiculous,even texting me I was her enemy during one of her episodes I guess. I was sad,depressed,sick for one day,it was love dying. We sputtered here n there till I finally caught her talking to someone else,she had no idea I knew,I asked who is Steve? She looked shocked,she sat for a minute to think of something,said oh he's friends w my sister,we went to lunch w him.no,she met him while we were out shopping one day,I seen her talking to someone but thought nothing of it till she was in a hurry to leave and told girl at counter I was her "friend",she hadn't used that in years.i asked wtf was that? It's bc the guy worked there. But I knew bc he had a mutual friend w me.that guy asked hey weren't you dating a gal named Dana? Said yeah why? Bc my buddy Steve had her over the other night and introduced me,I told her I knew her from somewhere.this guy ended beating her up after catching her stealing money from his wallet. I asked her,she had a faint black eye,she said no.bc I'd beat him regardless,bc you don't hit females,he could have just took her outside n said btw, not giving her a ride.she just got worse from there,placing outrageous expectations on me,I was the fall back when she was sad or upset,like round her bday.i had a few gifts for her,nothing big,but couldn't make it out to her so she got mad.lied to her roomate saying I forgot her gifts so she told me not to come. She died Nov. 05 2021 from a heart attack induced by drug interaction and cv 19. She was 41 yo,in pretty good health,we had same Dr. I miss her,miss the good times,but could have done without the last year.she stated she was upset w me bc we got engaged then I split from her for 4 months,according to her roomate she really was excited to marry me.she said no first 2 times,$ Rd said yes.i refused to give her the ring bc I knew I'd never get it back if we split,and I seen it coming months after proposal. I had ring in lay away when she said yes,it wasn't me asking officially yet,but she answered.i miss n love her but still harbor alot of anger towards her.i often told her go,I'm not losing anything,you are,and it was true,I had other girls just waiting for her to go.she was knockout beautiful but became so unattractive to me towards the end I avoided sex if possible,and turned down all her offers of oral sex,bc it wasn't love,it was control,used it as a weapon.
It can certainly be challenging and I appreciate your comment. Thank you
PLEASE DON'T STOP MAKING THESE VIDEOS DR. FOX.
YOU ARE THE ONLY BPD PHYSCH OUT THERE THAT HELPS US.🙏BLESS YOU. AND THANK YOU
If you love someone with BPD at what point do you realise it's just too much like hard work? It seems like a relationship with a BDP person requires a lot of work, a lot of thought and a lot of effort just to make life easier for THEM, so what's in it for you? Is it worth losing yourself just to keep them stable and happy? It doesn't seem worth it? It actually starts to sound like it's an abusive relationship where all your needs are put aside just so the BDP person's life is easier. Is it really worth it? At what point do you think they're just "not right for you" and that you'd be better off finding someone else that's more suited and makes your life better? A loving partner's role isn't to be anyone elses therapist especially when that person deprives themselves just to meet the other persons needs.
I understand all of that but when you are a parent you can't realise its too much like hard work. Even if it consumes your life in the process...
I guess it would depend on how much the person with BPD is working on changing? They'll never be totally "normal", but if they find all the right treatment and get support, they get to a point where they're "normal" most of the time.
But yeah if your BPD person is unwilling to change and seek help, you might as well just leave and save yourself.
Hello I see that you wrote this for years ago but maybe you will still read this. I am going thru that right now as we speak. My boyfriend of almost 3 years have borderline personality disorder. I want to help them but don't know how. So I'm reading a ride and watching videos on TH-cam. I love them very much and I wish there was something I could do that would help. So the communication is very poor I'm trying to teach them how to open up and communicate with me then we can help each other. But it gets down to me giving up my happiness for them to be happy. I cry everyday because of how stressful it is and the mean things they say and do. I feel like I'm losing it and my depression is worse. Now I feel that I need help to. If he's not willing to change then it is going to be pointless to keep trying.
Who said the non bpd needs are put to the side???
@@dinahn6955 I don't think you being stable has much to do with it.
Her mother is her trigger. Every time something happens in regards to her mother it shifts her mood. She shut downs and everything that she’s been holding in just comes to surface. And typically after that she breaks up with me. And her excuse every time is that she needs to work on her self and that she needs to love herself. And as soon as her mother leaves her life again and she no longer is contact with her, she’s “ready” for me again
I just don’t know if this is bpd or something else. It’s making me feel crazy and I just don’t know if she cares about me.
I figured out I was dealing with codependency about 5 years ago, I'm not "all better" but I've been working on it. My partner finally got a BPD diagnosis just within the last couple week as he started an intensive outpatient program. Since then it's been pretty much exclusively about my problems, and now he "doesn't have BPD". So, we're supposed to start couple's therapy on Saturday, but he broke up with me (for the millionth time 🙃). For sooooome reason I think he'll go back on that. I don't know how much fuel I have left this far into a 10 year relationship, but he has really been doing a lot of work on himself and I am still working on myself so we'll see where things go.
Mostly want to get the word out there that of you're in a BPD relationship, you probably are dealing with codependency as well! Check out the resources and focus on your own self work, you're worth your boundaries! 💕
Do you deserve to be treated like this?
@@krose420 no, I think it's important people realize that nobody does. It's a decision for each person to make about where their limits are in a given situation and I think it's important for people to genuinely be prepared to leave if they're pushed their.
I've had the opportunity to listen to many other TH-cam personality specialists. By far I appreciate Dr. Fox and his method of making things understandable along with navigation.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
My best choice in my recovery journey was to go N/C w/my family of origin. It took me decades to realize that they are my biggest trigger persé...once I understood that the involuntary environment I was brought up in at least caused the onset or outbreak ( whatever you wanna call it) it was easier to let it go and fully accept that I have to be my own change. I had to leave ‘crazy town’ and get off the ‘Mary go around’. I would not have been able to do so if it was not for me leaving my family entirely out of my healing.🙏🏻
I was too late in identifying what the behaviors and phone conversations were trying to tell me. My friend died June 4, 2018. I will never know if it was an accident or not and pray I didn't do anything inadvertently that influenced or triggered his emotional state. Thank you for making these videos! I know they will help others before it is too late.
Susan, I wish I had known all this before as well. I only found these videos after my partner died this past December. If I had had a better understanding of BPD, I might have known what to do and look for. You arent alone.
Could you do a segment on physical violence and BPD? How do you cope with a loved one who gets violent with anger?
This is abuse
You don’t cope, you leave. Physical violence is not something you have to put up with and I have BPD myself.
Hello Dr. Fox. I am someone who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, though I feel my "disorder" is mild, perhaps barely severe enough to be clinically diagnosed, I recognize a lot of problematic traits in myself and I'm seeking therapy for addressing those. I have fallen in love with a wonderful woman who has narcissistic traits. She has been unaware of these traits in herself but I have recognized them and brought it to her attention yesterday. She has brought my borderline traits to my attention and helped me to recognize that they are problematic for me/us through much difficulty in our relationship thus far. I love this woman very much. A lot of times, people find out that their significant other is narcissistic and they have the urge to run like hell, to look down on them and to resent them for the way they cause them pain. My love for this woman has not manifest in that way. Instead, I have understanding and acceptance. It doesnt make me love her or want her any less. She is absolutely wonderful, she is just difficult to relate to. I recognize that she didnt choose these issues for herself, as I have not chosen my issues either. They are the result of many difficult times that neither of us have deserved. I have compassion on her for them and I want to see her heart healed. I want to forever enjoy her smile. I want to be part of her healing process.
All of that being said, I recognize that you are an expert on our issues. I would like to see you make a special video to help me relate to her better, understsnd her better, provide the emotional needs that she has better and that she can watch to do the same with me. Can you make a video that encourages this love to grow and to grow in the direction that leads to both of our healing? I noticed you made a video that barely touches on this dynamic (borderline/narcissist), can you go much more in depth to better teach us how we can work together to make this relationship thrive and become very fulfilling for us both? Thank you.
The only thing that works is enormous love. Anything else make them worse. Love is the cure. Pure love will decendent their destructive behavior. Trust me. You cant help them with anything but love. But with boundaries.
As a mom of a son with BPD I feel so very guilty because I was supposed to have helped him and I did it all wrong. So constantly I am confronted with the fact that all of this is my fault. Sometimes to the point that I feel I am loosing my mind. The words that keep coming my way end up making me to feel that i am just wothless and I try to keep my boundaries but time and time again it simply does not work.
It won't work. I had narcissist borderliner and they blame everyone else but themselves about their struggles. The best thing I did, I left him, and now I am happy. If you want to ask sorry when you did nothing, if you want him to project on you, if you want to be treated like doormat for the rest for your life, then continuing with borderline personality disordered is your way.
Thanks so much. I have such trouble living with BPD it's so lonely.
It is very much so the most lonely place for me as one who has a bpd in the extreme spectrum my husband very difficult to cope and understand and love
i hear you my husband has BPD he is so mean his lack of empathy i could fill a swimming pool with my tears
There are lots of us struggling along with you
I’m truly feeling alone in this as well. People in my life including family don’t care I’m struggling. Only watching this video to help myself.
@@amandaholland1968 how do you deal with this.
AT LAST... a CREDENTIALED doctor speaking on this topic: thank you
Everyone deserves love 💕 it’s possible I know that they love w all their♥️
My best friend has BPD. I never really understood why they acted the way they do, this video helps. Thank you.
I’m so glad you found it helpful. Be well.
Traits of BPD on both sides of my family unit. My brother unfortunately thinks I should accept his outbursts without creating boundaries. When I told him there needs to be boundaries he has cut me out of his life. Though it bothered me for a minute, I have to say that at least now I don't have to continue being careful what I say or keep up with what he is saying that contradicts himself. Life is interesting and tough. Thank you for your videos.
I sometimes wish my sister would cut me out of her life completely
My father was diagnosed with BPD back in the 70’s. He had ended up in a metal health hospital for three weeks and was diagnosed there. Sadly, my youngest sister has the traits but will not get diagnosed. I learned what to do with my father but he finally estranged himself from everyone in the family before his death. Now my other sister has passed and our mom has passed and there is only my youngest sister remaining and our brother. Both of them have such problems that after my mom passed, I finally had to remove myself from my relationship ships with both of them. It makes me sad but I worked so hard for many years to get healthy and I feel like I have to protect my own peace of mind and the peace and happiness that is in my own home.
I feel deeply for your loss and know it well.
@@pbjsilverstudio4882 And I feel deeply for your loss, Pam. Know that you are not alone. In our family system some of our children are open to my wife, but she is not open enough to them. I hope for signs of it changing but try not to expect it.
John Victor Cross I’m so sorry.
I understand. My sister did the same. I miss her. I want a relationship with her but I also feel like I should respect her words when she tells me to fuck off and never talk to her again. That’s not an ideal relationship for anyone!
I have BPD and Bi polar it is hard, and it hurts more than my issues effect the people who I love. I've lost a lot of friends. I wish I could find a therapist like him.
Great discussion, good resources, wish i heard you 25 years ago. Today i'm burnt out from her psychosis and can't do anymore but leave her.
I don't want to be harsh or anything, but when someone with the disorder does not want to acknowledge I am the one ending up being the "parent" almost and having to train myself and might need therapy due to all the mood-swings and abuse at times. It seems so unfair. I am tired of being a dog being petted or kicked depending on their moods. When is it okay to actually call it quits?
Leave when you are able. Good luck!
Use the time you would spend trying to understand the problem to plan an exit and withstand the hurricane and false allegations that come. Then leave as fast and clean as possible. 12 years and I'm still not right after 5 years apart. You are dumping your love and youth down a hole. They have no memory for favors. Every day is a new day of heaven or hell.
Sytske Peterson it is important that you do the best you can. if you really love this person you will push until you can but do not overwork yourself. If they do not want help, you can't get it for them. I just got out of a relationship for the same reason. But you have to also think of yourself and if they love you they should at least consider. However, this is a reality that is not easy to face. Like I said try your best, do the best you can without losing yourself. Good luck.
Sytske Peterson I am in the same position now. Sadly I also feeI I've left it too long to still be able to find the strength to work out a strong set of strategies with my partner. Im exhausted emotionally and feel worried about my own sanity now. I didnt know about the signs of this disorder until fairly recently. It has been a revelation and a relief just to get some understanding of the whirlwind I find myself in. Sadly I do still love and care for my partner, and would love for him to be able to start getting well. His life is stuck in this never ending loop. How sad. he has spent many years getting wrong diagnoses. Now that this disorder is recognised, sadly the assistance provided by public mental health care doesn't extend to the treatment needed to help make a difficult situation easier to tackle. I really hope he will acknowledge his illness and start on the long journey towards some recovery and find some happiness and peace.
The sooner the better. I can speak for myself having BPD, the longer you take to call it quits, the deeper the scars will be and the other person (in this case talking about me when the other didn't know when or how to call it quits) will have a lot of internal struggles and lower self esteem
Thanks for this video, this should be shown to all people who thinks BPD folks are monsters and we're all just pure evilness and selfishness. Not all BDP guys and gals are like that and this personality disorder is portrayed so negative and poorly...
Generally, when you've been abused by someone with BPD you have no sympathy for the disorder. There is a reason you are all portrayed like awful people, most of you actually are.
@@void9938 I learned something really humbling in my first hospitalization for a moth in psych guard:
1. Generalizing or assuming is nonsense, a waste of time and energy; is better to waist that energy in learning about the people you're generalizing from. Healing yourself also. At least that makes you wiser and compassionate.
2. There're monsters out there that don't have a diagnosis, don't take any medication and even don't fit into the criteria of a mental health patient, and those are worse.
3. Some people with x condition can be and act like this, other person with the same condition might act like that. We are individuals and a flu doesn't hit the same way 2 individuals, so imagine a mental health conditions.
4. Having a mental health condition doesn't:
- Justify being an asshole, you gotta held accountable for the emotions and damages done and take responsibility for them (some people are assholes without psychiatric conditions and never take responsibility).
- Being a piece of crap with any living creature is a choice, conditions like this are not.
- Doesn't imply either to take bs or disrespectful, undignified or ignorant treatment from nobody.
Edit: typos and grammar
I cried all the way through this. This is definitely me. My family won't ever be able to work with me so somehow I have to figure out how to implement these things for myself in a way.
I feel this and it sucks. Having an unsupportive dad can be hard too because it just knocks you back down when they make you feel like down. Sometimes even feel like no one will ever be able to handle me and it sucks because I want to be a better person.
Same I feel like I’ll never be in a genuine relationship
@@crystalwaters4357 Yeah :/
Being a close friend with someone suffering from BPD is like being in an alternate reality. Rational rules don't apply and it's exhausting to be the stable, voice of reason in spite of all the mood swings and reactions the BPD individual has. It felt like walking an emotional tightrope: working to keep the relationship drama and trigger free absorbed too much of my time and energy. The person I knew was incredibly manipulative (although transparent) and draining. Aside from having a child with this disorder, I would not stay in a relationship with someone with BPD again. Ever.
This, to a T. It is heartbreaking but true.
So you think just because you don’t have BPD you’re rational and stable and the voice of reason? Wow. Sounds like you might have narcissistic personality disorder 🙄 that person is better off without a judgemental uneducated asshole like you who pats themselves on the back for nothing
Mewesical Typical borderline response. Lol
Thank you their mood swings and emotional outburst are just draining and exhausting. This is a horrible illness
My sister has completely worn me out, emotionally and physically. It is almost impossible to not engage with her, she watches my Every step in life. My mother wants to keep us together but i'm so tired of the whole situation. When my mom is no longer with us i know for sure i will disown her. That sound harsh but i want my own life, i feel suffocated to the core of my being. It doesn't help that she is stoned 24/7. I love my mother dearly but i hate the fact that she doesn't respect my boundaries towards my sister. She's my only sibling but i feel like an only child. I'm dealing with her drama from the age of 15, i'm 54 now. Everyone is Walking on eggshells, it's so extremely toxic.
I am graduating with my BS in 7 weeks, and I am so glad I have found you. The way you explain things is so down to earth. So many times I see therapist use their therapeutic lingo and leaving a person more confused than they were. I always allow people I help to know; Change will not take place unless their loved one wants the help. In other words, they have to want to seek or have the drive to have the help; or it will be an endless battle. Many thanks.
Thank you for this video, my girlfriend has BPD and I want to be there for her no matter what and I'm trying to understand her better. I love her so much and I want her to know that.
Hi, are you still together?
My ex with BPD jumped into a new relationship right after me and I gave her all the love in the world, all my time, energy and effort. It was all for nothing
Yeah....
39 years of being married to this BPD woman...
has resulted in deep emotional scars in me that I am now fighting every day against psychosomatic pain!
Right now. I was JUST OK!
Bur writing that down has induced PAIN. In face, neck, jaw....
I can't help it. It just happens.
The ONLY thing that really helps me... is a GOOD SLEEP!
I can wake up with NO PAIN. And that will last for maybe 15 mins... then the day starts again and just gets worse.
Why am I here at 4 AM?
Because I felt good for a bit and got up.
Trying to go back to sleep....
Thank you for all that you do. My situation with my partner had reached extremes that I could not understand. Your content has been very refreshing as well as liberating. Although the hard work is far from over. I feel I can let out a bit of a sigh of relief knowing that I am not completely lost in my sense of direction.
My sister has borderline personality disorder. Beneath her smiles, she was undermining me with my parents and after they died, she started with the rest of my family. That's when I learned who she is, as opposed to whom I imagined her to be. My brother let me read the bcc she sent. I don't want her in my life and have ended all contact. Love is simply not enough.
One time I didn’t answer my friend with bpd FaceTime call. I was sleeping it woke me up and I actually turned my phone off. So next morning I listened to a voice message of them saying my name sounding sad or crying voice, I thought they killed them self because I didn’t answer, but they were totally fine and was actually something funny they were going to tell me. It’s hard not to feel manipulated!
I have been completely impervious to insults and triggers, the relationship was also quite stimulating... Until my ex with BPD turned to child abuse, this did trigger me and caused despair.
Anyway, full custody now, 'CPS' had more or less the right ideas, I do everything they want so I they handle her now.
I have a girlfriend, diagnosed with BPD and she's also bipolar type 2. She rarely sleeps. She creates conspiracy theories involving me. One example is she thinks I'm hacking her phone. With these unfounded theories she creates, she then tries to punish me. Breaking things that belong to me, like my cellphone, laptop ect, what ever seems to correlate with the conspiracy. It frustrates me because there is nothing that supports these conspiracies. It disrupts my work and it's embarrassing to have to inform people why I couldn't return calls, my phone was broken, I couldn't access their number. Or if my laptop is broken, which has happened three times, I couldn't access work. How many excuses can I provide before it's just insanity?
My girlfriend has prescriptions but she refuses to take her medications because she believes it's making her hair fall out. It's another conspiracy. If I try to reinsure her, it just feeds into her fear that I want her hair to fall out. It's just not true.
All things I say, don't say, things I do or don't do get woven into her conspiracies. I feel hopeless navigating these events and some times she gets violent, hitting me, biting me, scratching me ect. Her anger over things I'm not even doing. Leaving her, or avoiding her just makes it worse and her anger just gets worse. I'm at my wits end on how to handle it, how to navigate it. Nothing seems to work.
Honestly from someone who dated a girl with bpd she never did that in person over text though she was an entirely different person so we decided it’s best to just have contact in person rather over text.
Just tell them you love them or leave a note which says you love them everyday. Hug them when they are angry or sad apologize sincerely with love if you did hurt their feelings. Dont ever make them feel like you don't need em or hate em. If you dont have time for them tell them they can surpress their emotions and wait but usually they will be sad or angry most of the time cold when you approach them after leaving don't get them wrong because thats their way to cope with the pain, know thats not them being like that to you because they hate you but more because they missed you and love you.
thank you for not being one of those "ditch 'em" types
You’re welcome.
@DrDanielFox I'm trying to plan a wedding now with a BPT woman. Basically good person with really difficult tendencies born of severe abuse and rejection in childhood.
Exactly. Thank you Doctor Fox!!❤
@@johnbunalski2414 update... we broke up. no wedding
@@TJ-kk5zf storytime?