A tip my borderline friend uses is "wait 10 minutes." She literally sets a timer for 10 minutes and distracts herself for those 10 minutes. Then at the 10 minute mark does an emotional temperature check. If it's not back to "cool and calm" she continues with 10 minute rotations until it is. She takes no action until she's at "cool and calm." Her distractions include painting her nails, reading a book, walking her dog, and playing a video game. For her the important thing about distractions is that they keep her hands busy. If her hands are busy, it's a healthy strategic distraction.
Wow this is a great idea I’m gonna have a plan like this for me! I’m gonna do (journaling, art project, action movie (I hate action movies but they get me out of my head) and cleaning
emotional triggers with my bpd are so intense sometimes, that once i have an episode (sobbing,screaming, hyperventilating, etc). i will eventually burn out of any type of energy and emotion right after i have calmed myself and begin a dissociation period where im basically on auto pilot for a day or so. really scares me sometimes. but atleast i know im not alone. thank you for helping so many
Omg! Automatic pilot are 2 words I use all the time. Im doing " insane things" like leaving ex 100 texts & cnt stop. The rage ! The oddest thing is whenever Im doing things like this in my head Im saying. " Ur acting crazy" but I cant stop. My emotional button is being rejected abandoned ignored. Also being alone. Being alone is worse than any pain I can possibly imagine. What a fantastic Dr!
I just started to cry when i read your experience. This is my first time connected with a BPD person. I think Im going to find a group. I feel so misunderstood by family members. All.
My Strategy is "Super Glue Moment", I have a voice that jumps in immediately after the trigger that says, "Hi Chip, you have super glue on your teeth and you cannot separate them right now, but it will wear off in 5 minutes", even a minute make a huge difference. This actually works for me.
This is a good idea, I usually just think what I’d like to say like to the point i dissociate from the situation... i have to keep my mouth shut or things get baaad
@@giraffe116 Everytime I tell a new therapist I have bpd, their entire body language shifts. I still do not have one to this day. My last one even made me feel stupid.
Yes, more than a bit for me this had all just started to click in therapy. Getting towards being in the wise mind is gaining a positive momentum. I have to be careful of what music I choose to listen to Ive found.
wow, I knew I had abandonment issues but didn't have the self awareness until recently that something's else is really wrong with me. I am probably starting a really painful road but a much needed one. I am beginning to understand that I have hurt a lot of people and I want to do better. I hope and pray everyone who is struggling with inner demons will get the help they need.
Same here. Just realized in the last month that I even have abandonment issues. I definitely have BPD, but just learned that this month also. I've had it for over 30 years. I also realized that someone not texting me back right away is one of my biggest abandonment triggers. When that happens, I have to remind myself that I should probably be multi-tasking instead of obsessing over getting a reply. Thank you Dr. Fox for including the "not-texting-back" trigger/emotional button!
@@johnadams5516 I just learned that too. My mom had bpd diagnosed by one psychiatrist and then she never went to him again. That and all the symptoms tell me that I have lived with it for quite a while. But we can always learn how to cope with that and find ourselves. Dr. Fox is helping me out with his videos. I learned that I hurt people not so long ago also. I'm really happy I found his videos to try to not hurt those around me.
It feels so much better when you know the name of the disorder you have and that you are not alone! For me, it makes me feel more determined to fight the good fight.
Excuse the rant but i have to vent somehow and maye anyone might relate I keep trying I have serious problems but no ones helping me and no one gives a damn every day i either plan a suicide or go to sleep hoping i wont wake up i keep wishing when I go to the gym to train so hard i can have heart attack adnd at least die doing something i love the probem is cant help myslef i keep loving and hating evertything so much and I get so angry i scare everyone off. I cant see a happy ending to anything anymore. as for BPD I dont know for sure i have shown all the common signs for years and years it dioesnt make a diagnosis but my life has been so chaotic i honestly dont know how to make it form one day tot he next. or how to stop it i dont have loads of money for diagnosis prozac has stopped me from actually killing myself but the thoughts dont go away and nothing else has changed. The disteractions help for me lifting weights and art and video games for the most part but at the moment i am also depressed and I strugle to get ymself into the mode fo any of the distractions let alone funcions . Sorry to anyone who read all this I guess.
BJDAFENIX Hi, It's a good step watching these videos to first understand about yourself a little more. Just wanted you to know that God cares about you and Loves you. Perhaps you might benefit from prayer. If you have a Bible read John 3 :16. Also just walking around the block. Exercise releases serotonin which can help you feel better. Maybe a support group? Just wanted to let you know that God cares about YOU! Have a blessed day.
I disagree. Its not good advice to suggest people keep putting up with horrible people. Any person in their right mind splits rude and negative people, but if you have BPD it's seen as wrong... ? BPD people just do exactly what you're friends and everyone knows is the right thing to do, but they never do it. Friends love to tell you the right thing to do, and most people never follow their own advice, but BPD people do. Then its seen as splitting... The level of reaction to a slight is always used as subterfuge from the offender to ignore that they in fact did slight you. BPD people are constantly mentally abused by people aware if their illness. They take advantage, knowing they can blane any resistance to rudeness on yiyr BPD. They do the "im not touching you" thing until you lose it, on purpose, knowing they can get away with it. Its what children do. People with BPD should split people like that.
@@albinomma your analogy of BPD is so spot on, especially how you used the "I'm not touching you" type tactics. It's sad but true, a lot of the closest ppl to us with BPD know we have these emotional buttons & they'll use it against us every chance they get. I've recently cut one of my sisters out of my life bc she's done this to me my entire life, & I'm 31 now! I'm not keeping anyone in my life anymore that thinks it's ok to cause me that direct stab to the heart kind of feeling...all for their own enjoyment. It's sick!
@@hanban4649 I'm glad you understand what i meant. It's good to know someone understand me. Jane, hang in there. It's a tough life, but people like us are tough enough to withstand. Good for you to cut out negativity from your life even if it's family. Nobody should take advantage of us. Sending hugs and much love your way. You got this.
Same here. I'm labelled as the short-tempered, impulsive one by my family and friends. All based on my responses in the past. And although I'm not responding that way for years now (not as frequent and intense as it used to be) I'm still viewed as such. It's frustrating and sometimes makes you feel that all your efforts to get better don't have a value for them. But now that I've completed my therapy I have a clearer vision of who I am, I'm slowly but surely changing my way of thinking, whether it is recognised or not. And yes to mindfulness and yoga!
@@sureyyak Yoga, yeah! Good luck to you, I am on the same journey. We have only ourselves to lose and everything to gain. No more adjusting to sick behaviour patterns. We are free.
it’s the opposite for me! im the “cold” one. i always focus so much on not showing my emotions because im scared that others will think im “too much” (as i think of myself) and if they see what im really like they will leave me. so i appear as rational and composed but little do they know there’s quite a mess inside
Trigger #1: Standard Trigger - 1:31 Trigger #2: Emotional Buttons - 1:46 Managing Triggers and Emotional Buttons - 5:44 Plan Out How You are Going to Respond in an Adaptive and Healthy Manner - 7:15
I have made great progress in recognizing my emotional buttons. I have so much more insight and developed a greater sense understanding and my episodes are shorter and less invasive to myself and others. I have used that energy to advocate for changes in my environment - adaptive and 'healthier' responses!
Being in a romantic relationship is the MAIN trigger for me. It's always the same triggers over and over, and it mostly has to do with what my spouse does or doesn't do. I've discussed with him my triggers, but we don't seem to work on them in a healthy way. The cycle goes over and over again, and we both are exhausted.
One of my strategies for not overreacting to a slight, real or perceived, is to understand that what other people do is not about us. It’s a reflection of who they are. Not visibly reacting is a whole adventure in itself. Observing how they act next is instructive. Not reacting takes practice, but is very liberating. Good luck. Edit: typo: of => or
@@Kimmie2.24 Me too! When I "feel" good I make a whole big list of positive things...statements, affirmations...a whole bunch of things. BUT when I'm triggered all that"junk" doesn't mean a thing.
I try to tell myself that too, but it doesn't always work. Feeling slighted is definitely one of my major triggers--including people whom I feel are ignoring me on Facebook. I keep the hurt inside, but will find myself devaluing that person internally and to others that are close to me. As an example, a young woman moved in across the street. Her dog kept getting loose, and we kept going over to her house to tell her. She never thanked us, never waved, never acknowledged us, which made me feel slighted. So I began saying nasty things about her to my husband. I finally discovered that she was purposefully letting the dog out to roam the neighborhood as she was too lazy to walk it, and so I went off on her. Granted there was justification for me to feel aggravated about her behavior, but my angst and dislike for her was really built up in my head.
I [try] to use 2 different quotes to help me through upsetting events or interactions: 1) "Consider the source." - if someone you don’t know or don’t think very highly of based on previous encounters does/says something that will set you off, remember that they have nothing to contribute to your well-being. It makes it easier to let go. I’ve gotten much better at this over the years. 2) "if it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t waste 5 minutes on it." - admittedly, I have a harder time with this technique but I try very hard to make it work.
They don’t have to contribute to your wellbeing if you don’t want them to, but you can allow that thought in if you want to. Try to think about where other people are coming from and remember that they’ll still be much more nuanced than we think.
When i get upset about even a very little thing, I have the urge to throw away all my stuff then comes suicidal thoughts next. Wish I could really end my life. These occurs very often and I'm quite tired of it.
I made it a habit to take breaks to cry in the bathroom, silently. If people ask I give vague answers like I'm going through something right now but I will be fine. Also give yourself arbitrary reasons to get yourself out of bed or finish assignment. If you really can't do it, give a heads up or something in advance
Whenever I get upset, I ask for 10, 15, 30 minutes. However long I need to recoup and develop a healthy response. Putting a number on it helps both sides.
My trigger is all Emotional!!!! And I end up hurting the ones that I love and I end up pushing them away. Saying mean things that I regret later. But their idea of me is already horrible and then I hate that I apologized because what difference does it make. It’s so tough. Maybe love and companionship isn’t for a BPD sufferer. I just want to go thru life and not feel and not having to translate my soul. It’s either this or I shut down. And it doesn’t help that I’m an introvert. I go thru the day and It’s a good day if I didn’t fall apart . Thank you so much for these videos Dr Fox
I struggle with that defiance to myself for wanting to apologize as well. I always remind myself that those people don't hate me, or they wouldn't be in my life. And if they think I'm a certain (angry or otherwise "messed up") way, that's because I'm not doing a good enough job of controlling my emotional reactions to allow them to see the parts of me I want them to.
You are not alone. I cant apologize because I feel they made me do it. Someone did or said something and im right and theyre all wrong. Im not apologizing as well because the things I say and do you cant just walk it back. Its a lot and I live with that now. The amount of destruction I can do in a short time os astronomical.
I feel same way. Friends and family don't understand, and some don't take seriously. I take it out on myself. I'm also introverted and have hard time with people and social awkwardness. Until I'm able to overcome, I'd rather not complicate life with a non- understanding relationship. Never married and still single.
I’m in love with someone with BPD and it has been an emotional roller coaster. The highs and lows, the idolization followed by devaluation is extremely hard for me to deal with. He often takes breaks from me without giving any explanation as to why and not knowing if he’s coming back is incredibly painful. I’m having a hard time to letting him go and forget him.
My partner has pointed out that apologizing is a good starting place, though the real difference comes in the actions I take to be sure the apology is meaningful. It really has helped me to think in those terms, because I no longer feel like I'm "off the hook" just because I apologized. It's been helpful for another family member, too, who has schizophrenia and frequently lashes out at we who are closest to him.
I'm a borderline! And I watched this video while my trigger. As you said during the window between trigger and action. I was about to self harm with a knife but I didn't. I watched this video over and over again and I could breathe. Thankyou so much!
Lol I'm glad it helped you. It def calmed me down too I'm having a panic attack and feel like it helps listening to him. He's a great therapist (idk if he's a therapist what)
Sometimes my standard triggers then trigger an emotional button. For example, I blew out my tire the other day on a pothole and was frustrated, but then that made me late to a rehearsal, and I felt like I was letting everyone down, and then I felt like a failure, and then I wondered what my partner and parents would think of me being a failure, until I was sobbing. This spiral then gets tangled and is SO HARD to tease apart. I was forced to calm down because I was driving on a flat tire, so I pulled into a parking lot, which gave me enough time to calm down just a bit. I sat in the lot and said over and over out loud: “You are not a failure, you’re a person with a flat tire. You are not a failure, you’re a person with a flat tire.” Roadside assistance came way quicker than they quoted me and I still made it to the last half of my rehearsal. :)
I feel so grateful to have found you Dr. I'm in crisis and 57 I found this a safe place. Thank you for your advice. I will continue to learn from you. ...
You are not alone Bloobell, I am 61 and have made my whole life incredibly difficult for myself. I have only just discovered my problem is BPD. I am so relieved that i can give it a name, find help and make that change. :)
I was diagnosed in 2017, basically 25 years after the car accident that triggered my BPD. I always knew something other than Major Depression was going on, and it took a court ordered psychiatric evaluation to finally determine what--and I was already getting the best treatment because my doctor accepted me into his DBT group even without the diagnosis. We do the best we can, and always strive to be better people. Take care of yourselves!
Thank you for normalizing BPD for me. I was diagnosed two years ago and just now working on myself after a 10-year relationship. While this is going to be extremely difficult, these videos make me feel human again. You make me love myself, or at least, learn to love myself. Love, Samantha.
God, last night I had an emotional trigger flipped that I didn’t even know existed. Anything that makes me feel like a failure- anything that could be interpreted that way... I didn’t realize that sort of thing was legitimately different than any other ‘standard trigger’ - but I felt it so much, so running across this video was a big help in understanding myself
You ain't a failure because you are here trying to learn to cope with your condition. Try avoid anyone from family old friends who put you down as they have zero right to do that now you are diagnosed. Do that and its half the battle. Never ever let anyone put you down and if your favourite person does ask them to explain what they mean as it may just be them checking you. X
Oh yeah, that's a huge trigger for me too...and people subtly pointing out [even when only I interpret it that way] that I am a people pleaser or that I don't actually know how social interaction works
I just realised a few days ago that I might actually have BPD. Tonight I came to a pretty dark/low point and wished/called for help in changing. And 5 minutes later I opened youtube and your video about splitting was in my recommended. "Ask and it will be given", wow, within 5 minutes my call/plea was answered. Thank you, I am very grateful. 🙏 I have seen only two videos so far and they resonate so much!
Everything in my life is a freaking emotional button, I can feel my sanity slowly slipping away every single day. On the rare good days, I get standard triggers and they roll of my shoulders. But that same trigger the next day or even an hour or so later, turns into something debilitating.. it’s exhausting 😔
This video gave me some hope. Thank you. I needed some instruction on how to reign myself in. I realized on my own I’ve been emotionally unregulated my entire life over the past few weeks. It’s been a devastating realization but I’m ready to get as much better as I can now. It’s a life of constant suffering inside.
Well. I must say. I had this when I was first married and had children. I’m 60 now and feel very free from any personality disorder. Sometimes get anxious however I meditate. So so glad you are here helping many people
I actually kinda loose the ability to speak when I break down after experiencing a type 2 trigger, or my emotional button is pushed... and what I like to do, is kinda go back to where the hurt started. Lets say I'm remembering something painful from when I was a child (most of my triggers relate back to my childhood) and I wonder what happened to that child back then. And my strategy is to comfort the child within me. I mean, I can often try to rationalize things to death. "No, your mom loves you, and when she didn't support you, it was because she didn't know any better! She never meant to hurt you..." and so forth, but that doesn't help, because it feels like I'm not talking to an adult (which I actually am), but instead I'm talking to an infant of 4 years at most. So what I do is I try to comfort THAT child. I sit on my bed, huddle in my blanket, hold onto my favorite plush toy and try to hum a melody. Just of a song that comes to my mind, or that feels meaningful in that situation. And slowly I become able to sing, and then I regain the ability to speak.
🙏🏽Mannnnnnn, 🙏🏽 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 LISTEN! when I tell you: This 🙄 right here gave me all "kindz" 😉of life 😀🤸🏾♂️⛷️😊⛵😀🎲😁 God bless you ♥️♥️♥️♠️♠️♠️ You just came right on "Thru" with a beautifully curated paradigm. Well done! I am rather impressed! I want to express emphatic gratitude! You are a Stallion🐴 a Warrior⚔️ a King 👑
I-i I’ve never related to a comment more. Seriously, I was like “hmm I go back to where the hurt started too..interesting. Huh...holy heck. I also feel like I’m talking to a child with my mom and make up excuses for her behavior like she loves me and doesn’t know better. I also feel like I can’t breathe when I panic sometimes and I recover the same way, by grabbing a fluffy pillow and listening to music. I’ve been distancing myself from my mom these past few years (moving out helps) and that’s helped me have a clearer view of things and having supportive peers is beyond helpful to help get over the slime that’s built up. (Aka gaslighting, and other forms of abuse) Best wishes, soul sister lol✨🕺🏼
I'm fairly certain I have BPD. I'm going in to meet with my psychologist in a few days to have a chat with him and hopefully dig into it, and get a diagnosis if I'm correct. If not, at least I have a solid place to start. I've been using your videos recently to help me, and for the first time in years I've felt a little relief. I've felt so trapped and confused for so many years. I didn't understand why I felt the way I felt for so long. Why no matter what I tried, it seemed like I never got better. These videos came up in my feed, and I have never resonated with anything so strongly. Your tips have legitimately helped me in tangible, measurable ways. Thanks. I feel more full of clarity than I have in years.
Oh my god, this is me. I always thought that I was weird because I can think myself to a very dark place. When I get triggered I start thinking about all the bad things that happened to me and start to hate myself. Everything you say is soooooo similar to me!! 🧐
i feel like you have just stepped into my brain, i never knew there was a difference between to two triggers and now that i think about it i have quite a few triggers in both types, the emotional button is certainly harder to deal with because i have a strong reaction when it's pushed. I've already started doing the coping strategies without even knowing it, i go for walks/run regularly, listen to music or sing and it really does help calm yourself. I'm not diagnosed as BPD but after researching a little i think i might be a quiet borderline personality with avoidant personality. i think i may chat with my GP about it because ive had struggles for a long time and i always put it down to depression and anxiety. very informative video, thank you :)
I just started DBT and these videos are very helpful. I am very anxious to get started ans therapy and group is taking longer to learn all there is to learn, so I truly appreciate your taking the time to post these. Very simply put, easy to understand and non-judgemental. You speak to us with respect. Thank you!
Good for you, Emmy. Lots of times, people are in denial or don't want to find out what is the real problem. I admire that you are interested in figuring yourself out. Self awareness is a wonderful thing.
What you say sounds familiar to me. Quiet borderline, that could be me as well. Yoga, walking, music, avoiding the news and this overwhelming emotional trigger button fits.
I just realized that I am extremely reactive in being " split" by others ! I never thought of it in this way until I started becoming aware of my own splitting of others. Although I'm getting a handle on my own splitting and learning to see others as imperfect and fallable , when I am around others or even ruminating about social interactions I tend to perceive them making me " all bad " . This triggers me and freaks me out ! I think that's why I isolate so much and have such an unstable sense of self.... Dr. Fox, thanks for this insite on splitting , I just had a breakthrough , ha !
Same here. When my partner splits, I respond by splitting myself because I think he's seeing me as all bad- completely out of nowhere. And of course my reaction makes everything a million times worse for both of us. Huge Aha moment for me just now...
Dr Fox I'm sitting here in tears. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly 2 years ago. I battle with it daily. Affordable, ongoing support is not available to me. I feel like you are literally inside my head. It's like you know me intimately. And now, I have somewhere to go for help! Somewhere to learn skills and techniques and coping mechanisms to try and be a better, healthier me! Thank you Dr Fox, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being selfless enough to share your knowledge and professional help and make it available to people like me who just cannot afford the help we need. You are literally saving lives by doing this. - A new and grateful subscriber.
Summarizing 3 things that I got from Dr. Fox on this video to cope with BPD: 1) Create a structured environment 2) Track mood swings (in documents / apps) and derive understanding on crisis cycles and triggers, and plan how to slow down when this happens 3) Find Positive Distraction that keep you calm and slow emotional reactions (Yoga, Walk, Run, Paint, Play Music, etc)
The more I understand these things about BPD, the more I understand the NEED in being patient and caring toward myself. I can’t compare my journey to anyone else. A lot of times I feel like my life should’ve been altogether at my age-25 about to be 26. I got caught up in tryna keep up with the Joneses that I acquired actually hardly anything and kept spiraling. This is the TIME to be still and deal with my issues in depth and stay away from negative people. Nobody is perfect y’all but just know that negative people can smile too. Negative people can agree with positive sayings and quotes. Negative people can appear to speak very positive but REAL positive people don’t leave the ick on you. Real positive people don’t leave dark energy around you and you don’t have to feel on guard with them. A lot of negative people deliver news to you as being “real”. We all have our down moments but there is a difference between people who have rough moments than those who are pessimistic.
Leading a healthy lifestyle in a meaningful and calm matter helps a great deal. Meditation, observing the toughts and letting go. Being single for a long time helps, taking full responsabilty for my thoughts and life. I am not so sure I will get back in a love relationship. I live a more complete, more zen life when I am single. Maintaining a routine and balancing work and meaningful leasure time. Relaxing, meditation, aqua fitness, Qi Gong and bking does it for me. Not depending on others, self love, self care, self compassionand proud to be self governed. Planning ahead, autum and winter is more difficult for me, I have planned activities that I can do during this period of time. Also, good nutritional diet, exercice and regular sleep schedules helps a lot. Remembering that often, things are a question of perceptions, changing perceptions helps a lot. Hope this can help, and yes, it is possible to live a healthy balance life, it just takes practice and perseverance.
Chantal L. Considering fear of abandonment is one of the main symptoms of BPD, it’s odd to hear about the single life preference. But I’m fairly certain I’m on the mild spectrum of BPD as I don’t and never have had abandonment issues, and I just seem to get hung up on and argue specifics though not full splitting, though triggered by anything to become enraged. I’m in a decade long marriage and finding it so incredibly hard to communicate, though I don’t demonize or idolize my spouse. I feel so happy when I’m alone, I can’t help but wonder what a life on my own would be like. Anyway, I totally resonate with your approach and would love to experience that type of solitude myself.
I'm getting out of a 10-year relationship and totally understand the need to be single. I can't say I will always be single, but I want to learn how to cherish being single, so when someone comes into my life I am not projecting my hopes and fears onto them.
At least you have loved. The saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all" I never had a girl friend and it stinks. I had a FB but that's not what I really wanted. I do agree though I love living by myself and having my own schedule or no schedule and just relaxing in my private space how I like it. Winter is harder if you don't have a hobby. I like it because it means hunting but besides that it is boring. Take care and good comment I can relate a lot to that.
Thank you for talking about this disorder and for helping me to start to peel layers off of the stigma of BPD. You speak so positively and your belief that with work things become better. I have started really trying to be more aware of my reaction to different triggers. I am a work in progress but I am further along on my journey thanks to you!
Thank you for being so empathetic about this. And thank you for putting this on TH-cam for those of us who can't afford therapy. You are very much appreciated.
Very helpful. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a long time. I now have a therapist who is trained in dialectal behavior therapy to treat BPD but we are just getting started. My emotional buttons are those that involve attempts to judge me and make me feel devalued. I was recently expelled from my university for reporting an instructor who was intimidating me in class...more than once. However, I responded with some nasty emails. Although the college knew I had a mental health disability, I was still expelled. It was such an emotionally devastating experience I had a mental breakdown. I am just now beginning to recover. Thank you, Dr. Fox. (yes, I have retained an attorney but the most important issue is getting mentally healthy and stronger).
Karen, it is easy to get misdiagnosed as bipolar. I am classic BPD, but at the same time... I am also Bipolar 2. The bipolar 2 dx did not happen to me until after my dad passed away, five years ago. I assume, he and grief was a trigger, ha ha. The short version is that my dad was full blown bipolar (though back then, we didn't know what it was called) we just "were trained in/on - what NOT to do" - not spend money left and right, not do this and not do that and told not to do this and not to say that - seriously no wonder I turned out BPD.
I was diagnosed a couple of months ago and I am 30 this year. It’s been such a long hard road but I am so thankful I came across your videos at such a pivotal time of clarity. Thank you for all that you do!
Lately i found that i have BPD, since my childhood i had these symptoms i used to blame others for my feeling and then play victim, had this habit of controlling everything, everyone and etc etc. The felling of being left out was always there. And so was my reaction which i couldn't control and regret later. Though i wasn't aware that i have such disorder and when i started questioning myself that why i feel that i am the only one who is right and rest everybody is wrong genuinely which can't be possible, i started wondering. I browsed about my symptoms and found that i have bpd. This is my 2nd day after knowing the fact that i have bpd and i wanted to totally get rid of it. This thing is really suffocating and exhausting.
I relate to what you are saying. I hope things are improving for you 💓 I see it has been a year since you left this message! How has it gone since learning you also have BPD?
I can feel. I always had this feeling of left out those people I love. I had a emotional breakup with my best friend when I was 10 because of my jealousy. I had fights with family because of plans didn't excute the way I wanted. I become clingy and parasite to those people I emotionally depended on. They set my mood. The constant fear of rejection, the triggers when I don't get a reply, the triggers when they say I am doing drama, the overwhelming emotions, the judgement about me that why I am so emotional, why so demanding, why can't I be just happy. It's tiring for me. I am also fade up of the insecurities, the emotions I feel so intensely . Sometimes I feel pls give some pills or something to make me sleep for years. May be I will be happy by forgetting everything.
Thing is it’s different from narcissistic personality disorder in that blaming and victimized isnt always imagined. It’s usually real because of victimization from a narcissistic personality close to us.
Damn guys. This sucks but I am so grateful to you for being honest because I feel this way too. There has to be a way out on this earth and because I believe that I am seeking counseling and will simply never give up. Good luck to you I hope you find peace and ways to cope with these powerful emotions too !
Just been sitting here and I've taken 10 full pages of notes from a few of your videos!! You're helping me gain so much insight into my own mind. Also thank you for your worksheets. I'm so grateful to have found this channel.
This is so enlightening. I wish my psychiatrist would have talked to me about this. However, I am very glad to say that overtime I have been able to manage my disorder and able to have shorter episodes and ones that aren't as damaging to myself or others. There is hope people!!
I realized my trigger was my family. I got rid of them, lost 120lbs, quit smoking cigarettes and got a great career. It was a hard process and took years to finally make the decision that they were all holding me down into this borderline role and I was used as the families scapegoat for everything. Why my nephew wasn't doing well in school (Well, he always listens to you! It's matthew's fault!) Why my sister is over 300 lbs and miserable (she hung out with Matthew, you know how depressed and fat he was) etc etc. I realized they're all fuck face, narcissists and got a borderline workbook and went to town. My biggest trigger is that I live with a narcissist now, who invades my personal space and touches me to get my attention when I'm on the phone or doing something important. I feel like exploding and breaking things sometimes. I know it's how I react and I've NEVER been mean to him or let him know how it makes me feel visually or tonally. It murders me inside and I know it manisfests in different areas in my life. Like with work and my relationship with my girlfriend, of which he's the brother who won't move out of the dead mother's house she got. I'm currently saving up money to move and get my own place in about 6 months. I live in the highest rent area in the united states. It's very difficult here. (Orange County, California) but I can't leave due to my new job.
This comment really stuck out to me. I really despise how people act once they find out you're a borderline. Oh my god, the stigma, it kills me. And what's worse is when my husband defines my personality (and this horrible disorder) by a stupid little pill. Even if I've taken my meds for the day, and let's say i have a slight outburst, or I get frustrated at some standard trigger...my husband will look me in the eye and harshly say "Go take your medicine, April" to which i generally reply, "I have" and that in turn pushes an emotional button and i completely shut down. In my mind, my husband only likes ME when i'm consistently taking my medication. He obviously detests full on BPD me. But with that said, my husband...my sis in law..my dad and my aunt all believe the same thing: that i'm a drama queen that loves money. Honestly i have no clue how they came up with any of that, because ironically, i try to avoid drama at all costs, but when it does happen, guess who's blamed for it. Me. And the money thing? i have no idea, i've never been one to spend, or accumulate, money. Anyways, I guess what i'm trying to say is I know what it's like. My whole family blames me for everything that goes wrong: The house is messy translates to oh, she's just lazy. or some other stupid shit like that. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
@@anaisanais89 I'm so sorry you're going through this ☹ I sincerely hope you have some support people in your life. Hit me up on Insta @ag3ntphoenix if you need to talk xx
I finally found good therapists in SanDiego that are helping me thru my mood swings and reactions. Gotta be aware of my behavior n words. And keep the negative ppl who seem to push my buttons intentionally. We dont need to be aggravated if we know we are highly sensitive in the first place. We're injured, not hopeless. Thanks Dr. fox. Your amazing.
This is definitely my favourite channel on psychological and emotional coping strategies. I like the REST strategy for dealing with triggers: Relax Evaluate Set an intention Take action So when my narcissistic boss is being a jerk and provoking me to a reaction - Relax = don't respond immediately, Evaluate = acknowledge that he has just been a jerk, Set an intention = realise that reacting will only confirm his view on me and allow him to 'win'(of course there is no 'win' but he enjoys seeing me react), Take action = don't respond to his taunt.
I'm currently going through a crisis situation and when I first started watching this video, I didn't intend on writing a comment here - but you've said that comments can help people, so here goes... with a lot of therapy, support, and soul searching, I've become quite a highly functional person who also had BPD. However, this recently changed about 2-3 weeks ago, and it's seen me act out of character and out of control, with one situation being much riskier than I ever thought I'd see in my adult life. Hearing about the difference between triggers (standard, everyday triggers vs specific emotional buttons that seem to travel to our most hurt times) speaks volumes to me. I can identify that my recent 'triggers' are better described as emotional buttons, having what I perceive as an abusive relationship unfold in front of my very eyes in my own house between two of my closest friends whom I've tried to help. Their web of lies is starting to unfurl, each realisation breaking me more. It was exhausting to support them, and have them ignore and even deny my boundaries in my own home, and the double standard they are imposing now is exactly what they denied me for months. I needed to reclaim my space, and I eventually did, after 6 whole months, but they wouldn't listen to me until I 'lost it' which I never wanted to do. Doing this and now having them 'grey rock' me has caused me excruciating emotional distress. I can see the light... but I'm not sure how to move beyond this pain. I scheduled an emergency appointment and I'm really looking forward to seeing my psychologist in a few days. Thank you for your insightful and informative video.
As a husband ,of some 38 years, of someone , who i believe suffers from BPD , [ from severe childhood abuse ] , it is extremely hard to calmy talk about the situation without her becoming agitated and aggressive. And this situation is developing more as she gets older and as the daily high's and low's increase. i have been to several councilors over the years seeking help , however it all comes to a halt when my wife refuses to go. I love her dearly , and it is so hard to see her going along this track , and internally self destructing , however there seems to be little to no help for the partner of someone suffering from suspected BPD . The rest of her siblings have sort counseling for their childhood abuse ,and from their point of view they believe they are all the better for it , and i believe i can see it in them.
When I read your comment, I thought I had just written it. It is the mirror image of what I have been going through with MY wife for 38 years. From the severe childhood abuse, the difficulty to calmly talk without agitation and aggressiveness, to her refusing to understand what is happening to her and us. I also can not find help or understanding for me, or for me to help her (doctors that are unresponsive or unequipped to handle), to the entire family in denial. I guess it's good to know there is a "voice" in the canyon, not just an "echo".
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for the informative video, my mother is a professional button pusher. She’s is 86 years old and still manages to trigger me on a daily basis. I have to accept that she’s never going to change and find ways to manage the triggers.
Wow, you've nailed it! I never knew there were standard triggers and emotional buttons...this explains so much to me, thank you for sharing your expertise.
My girlfriend has not yet been diagnosed with BPD but it's very clear she has it....every comment here is so similar to what she endures on a daily basis...i've been watching videos non stop on this to try and help her and this video and the comments have been extremely helpful...thank you
Same as my husband….everything makes sense when I listen to the videos and read the comments. I went through the checklist recently with him and he agreed he might have it. It helps me understand what’s really going on and also gives me hope that he can get better 🙏
Excellent and very helpfull. Something I learnt recently for when I'm triggered is 'Stepping in' basically going with the desire to react big time and 'Stepping back' which is choosing consciously not to react in the moment. Really simple labels that are hard to forget but that truly help with control once you become conscious of them and use them regularly.
4 Years later, and your videos are still helping people. I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and one thing I've been working on is what to do once I'm self-aware. My therapist is surprised at my levels of self-awareness, but it's difficult to control the action. One thing I've found helpful is once I'm aware that I'm filled with rage or whatever emotion, I take a step back and separate the emotion from the triggering event, and ask myself "Is this a 'normal' response, or is this a BPD response?". As a personal example, I hate getting cut off in traffic, and I will tailgate like it's nobody's business for miles. But lately, I've made a lot of progress to accept that I can't control the actions of others; I can only control my response.
My standard triggers make me feel rage and self hate more than anything and its felt in my head, teeth arms, legs and i question "should i hurt them or myself?" But quickly get over it and maybe throw a private tantrum. The emotional button, however, i feel impending doom, worry, doubt, constant 'what if's' and don't get me started on the battles in my brain, one saying "confront the situation aggressively and the other, "cut them off, they don't deserve you/you don't deserve them" until I'm reassured everythings fine and my opinion and views change once again. It's bloody exhausting.
I have watched so many of ur videos. I so appreciate how u explain things while u understanding the depth of the pain people with borderline personality disorder go through constantly. Thank u!!!
Dan, thanks for providing the well-planned sequence with the 1) recommended pre-video content on managing emotions, 2) your outline for managing triggers/emotional buttons for us to place into our notes, 3) your discussion with practical application, and 4) the citations that reference evidence based research.
Your videos have helped me so much. I am 42 with a diagnosis of BPD, PTSD, Bipolar and major depression. I feel a mess and have really been thought the wringer. I have found thatmeditation helps me so so much and painting! I love to paint. I have issues with speaking in a cryptic and have a hard time getting people to listen to me and judging me with actually KNOWING me. Thank you for this video because now I feel unique.
Listening to what you're saying is so reassuring. Sometimes it makes me laugh how much symptoms and so forth are so beyond relatable. I never have words for how everything feels but listening to you say it makes it easier to explain and understand, even for myself. So thank you! Puts things into perspective.
You are uniquely qualified to help people with BPD- you are compassionate, quite bright, respectful of the BPD person and engaged in your work.. i have no doubt you have helped many many people. Thank you so much for these videos and your talent.
It has been a long road in learning to deal with my daughter.....I even took weekly sessions at a nearby hospital where we learned to deal with concurrent disorders, meaning, addiction and mental illness combined, while not really knowing what came first, the former or the latter....but I was given some tools to use in living with this family member. However, her extreme mood swings which could happen on a dime, and be numerous even in one day, would often leave me feeling totally drained and unable to cope with further outbursts! I was often labelled her enemy number one.....with much heartache following for the both of us, as she would cause great alienation between us. What you have delineated today, the difference between the two types of triggers, is very, very helpful, giving me another tool in my daily dealings with her....a deeper understanding of how to help her deflect and absorb each incident before it escalates into total behaviour disregulation! Thank you for this information....and God bless you for putting it out to social media for our betterment and health!!!!!
Tess Ferrazzi thank u for being a great mom and human. BPD is like CEN (childhood emotional neglect) syndrome and many parents stay in denial and the adult child has to get resolution without being really seen. So thank you!! Thank you for wanting to see the person below the damaged wiring.
I’m 42 years old and I’ve never been diagnosed with this but I don’t know anything that makes more sense. I get so mad and flip out. Then hate myself for awhile and I listen to music that keeps me in that loop because it makes me feel something. I play out a million scenarios on what I should have done but I can never apply those tools when I see red and focus on my rage.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes courage to open up about our struggles. Remember, there's always support and resources available to help you navigate your emotions. Take care of yourself!
I got angry and teary eyed and angry again then kind of relaxed then full blown snap mode. People trying to say something to me without coming out and saying it's towards me. Random people were rude. I flipped out and wanted to cause severe pain. Then because I'm an empath I felt awful and really bad I blew up like that
RAVEN Moon Tarot same with meeeee. I’ll feel triggered and completely overreact and then 10 minutes later I will hate myself and feel such utter SHAME. Then I will obsess over whether they’re going to leave me after my great overreaction or if things are back to normal. I’ll start probing the person to figure out how they feel about me or if they’re close to shutting the door on me.
Then starts another cycle of self hatred and feeling too worthless to be alive. Undeserving of everything good in my life. It could all be avoided if I just don’t react.
Wow, you're between a rock and a hard place! But you can gain control over intense anger and other BPD symptoms. Good luck, and never give up on yourself! You can and will get better.
I’m 16 and realized I had BPD while binge watching your videos late at night and im starting DBT next week and I just really appreciate all you do for us. I always thought I had bipolar depression because it runs in my family and my therapist said it might be both but I would’ve never knew so much about myself and how to analyze certain moments of my life that affected me if I hadn’t watched your videos. Much love, thank you.
I'm binging on your videos, I am loving the concise articulation. I'm wondering if you would consider doing a broadcast on romantic jealousy, in bpd. being preoccupied with how attracted our partner is to us, or our sensitivity to our perceptions of their attraction to others. I hear this is a huge problem amongst female borderlines....maybe men too
Yes, sex can be challenging at times. If my partner seems like they aren't enjoying it, I get triggered. I once had a partner mock my sexual performance and it's never left me.
Mindfulness is good. I also starting emotional management exercises which consist of stopping , sitting down legs and hands uncrossed, breathing and concentrating and trying to identify what and where you are feeling in your body the pain, frustration the feeling that your emotions triggered and than do a body scan and let this feeling dilute. DO NOT FOCUS ON IT! Just let it go... Observe it and let it go.. AND BREATH....and when you feel that the overwhelming feeling is not holding you anymore and that your are calm again then you can open your eyes.
Thank you for the videos, Dr Fox. It certainly makes me understand a lot about the way I have been acting for many years and I have a lot of work to do. I have pushed away and lost lots of people including family even moving across the country to try to find myself, but realize that a lot of it is BPD related. I am looking into finding a psychiatrist here, but again there is stigma around BPD. I changed my diet, started exercising and will start a basic yoga class soon to help me even more. I look forward in continuing to listen to more of your videos.
Your videos are so helpful! I go to MBT in sweden and I find your videos to be a great complement to that treatment. I've watched and re-watched a lot you're videos for over a year now and I've gained a deeper understanding and therefore forgiveness for myself and bpd. That voice of a constant bad conscience or being ashamed is slowly bacomming less loud in my head.
Thank you very much. I have never seen a video so precise about borderline disorder. You sure do helped me a lot, mainly on the aspect of abandon feeling that comes right away as soon as a trigger is activated. Thank you so much again.
Please live 1000 years sir and stay fit and fine and happy always .. your videos are really helpful.. I'm suffering from BPD and your videos are helping me in managing my thoughts and situations well .. so grateful 🙏🏻
So helpful. I've been on this over-drive learning phase to better understand my partner. I would love to see more on the family side of things involved with a bpd loved one, how to cope, respond and support their significant other.
I've been self aware for a almost a year now but always in denial and i hyperfocused on reasearching different mental disorders in hopes to find one less stigmatizing only to find out I relate to so many others. And that's what's been my main trigger lately so this video was a blessing for me thank you
I've yet to see a professional, but many BPD things ring very true to me (I would consider myself a quiet one however, as I withdraw and implode rather than explode). This video in particular as well. But one thing I've found recently, as in literally a few days ago, that helps me intercept an emotional button trigger is to draw one of my favourite characters from a show or video game. It makes me focus on something that generally helps me relax and makes me happy (my show or game) and it gives me something that my mind will fully focus on (the drawing).
I never knew there are two kinds of triggers. Thank you, Dr. Fox, for making that clear. My takeaway from this helpful video: We can live in the moment... Fully aware of our feelings -- but not controlled by them Fully aware of our surroundings -- alive, experiencing our senses, but non-judgmental of what we see, hear, smell, touch Training ourselves away from automatic negative thought patterns and resultant negative behaviors -- we CAN live self-controlled, God-centered, unselfish lives
I honestly thought for 25 years that it was just me and I blamed it on my horrible experiences. This illness is vile and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for everything you do for the BPD-Community.. It is visible how big of a help you are to those struggling with BPD. Especially for the ones who are not able to receive treatment because of financial reasons or a lack of availability. You are a literal ray of light in the darkness, how corny it may sound..
Thank you so much for your videos, you are putting into words things I already know about my BPD since I have been living w the diagnosis about 4 years but it really helps to listen to someone speak about it in such a caring and clear manner and provide new coping skills and tools.
Therapist always has my life on blast! Honestly, he has helped me SO MUCH though! It’s a process, and I honestly feel so lucky my husband is and has been sooooo supportive. I prolly don’t deserve him.
Thank you Dr Fox for your ongoing support on TH-cam. Your delivery is what keeps me coming back. You are calm, non judgemental, non threatening and so forth. I haven't had a lot of that in my life and it makes me feel safe. I don't trust anyone and never feel safe. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I grew up in that kind of environment, scared, no terrified. So your delivery is the opposite of what I've always known and it is good, keeps me calm. I have referred other BPD folks to you and you seem to be doing it right for everyone. You really understand that we aren't trying to be different, difficult, attention seeking... we just are. I found myself splitting last weekend and was able to correct my thinking because I've learned, with your help and many others, that splitting is not rational. It was my psych nurse that I was splitting on. I told her about it and how I was able to FINALLY realize what I was doing and correct me thoughts. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and I'm 65 years old. Better late than never I guess. Thank you. God bless you, Dr Fox
For me it’s awareness !! When I feel that wave hitting me hard ! Everything is racing ! Feeling the build up !! My mind going crazy !! And the voices in my head start ( seee seee I told you... ) for no reason other than I was triggred ! I just started doing this : Hit pause ! Where I’m ! What I’m doing ! Feeling ! It’s ok to feel no matter ! I’ll be ok ! And try to do something elese ! Engaging my hole body ( jumping rope ) ! Or putting music and dancing ! Or going for a walk. I know it’s stupid when you are that made, angry, or feel paralyzed because of anxiety ! But It’s going to be ok !! I’m doing my best !! Hope it helps !
I was diagnosed with bpd as a teenager. I feel like I don’t have it for about 2-3 weeks out of the month. Then, around that time of the month, like clock work, my reaction to certain triggers becomes extreme. I was made to feel ashamed about having outbursts as a youth. Now, I notice that a certain level of assertiveness is necessary from time to time. I am learning to give the correct amount of assertion, for each specific situation. It’s easy to go overboard. I just try to stay as present as possible, instead of going completely red, like I used to.
Thank you so much for this video. It helped a lot to differentiate between the triggers. This morning my favorite person started teasing me for not reading books I had checked out months ago. I had mentioned the day before that I felt like a failure for not writing enough, not creating enough, not reading enough, not being enough. And them teasing me about the books felt like they were pointing out my inadequacy. Pointing out that I didn’t do enough, didn’t measure up, failed, disappointed, and my emotions quickly spiraled out of control. I felt so hurt and angry. So very betrayed by them. It felt intentional and I just wanted to be left alone to not continue to exacerbate my anger, but they said I was too sensitive and needed to take a joke which only made me feel worse. After being alone for a while, sleeping, I calmed down but only after much anguish and pain. I wish other peoplw recognized this is a real disorder and people genuinely suffer from it. Not believing it’s real only makes matters worse.
Standard triggers tend to cause some rage outbursts most of the time. That would be running late, '' dealing with the matter" as I call it, witnessing some social behavior I don't agree with. I speak too much, too loud and agressively, even to strangers on the street sometimes and that is something that I find particularly humiliating afterwards. When it's not rage, I feel a deep pain, the kind that makes tears run down my cheeks with my eyes wide open despite any effort of controling it. Sadness (often linked to a feeling of failure or being inferior) litteraly shuts me down. I can't seem to speak for a couple minutes to sometimes a couple hours. And if I do speak, it will be short and sweet and low volume. To manage, I try to find a quiet space, where I'll focus on my breathing and do the traditionnal 4-4-8. It's hard but I try to put in perspective the (un)importance of what just happened and try to see myself from an outsider perspective. That helps me to see how ugly I find myself when I react with rage. And it helps me to see how overdramatic I am being when in pain for most of the time no valid (i.e. lasting) reason. My reactions to standard triggers seem to diminish after less than a few hours at the top. Emotional buttons, I seem to notice, usually provoque a reaction that might last for a couple days to a couple weeks. Anything linked to who I am to the core as a person might trigger this type of reaction, be it my love life, my wannabe carreer and social recognition, my family, my position and power in the society I have to evolve in. I usually tend to isolate myself. Like, for days at the time. During that time, a lot of rumination is going on, mixing old traumas with new ones and loosing the track. I tend to take less good care of myself in general: ok to bad hygiene, eating bad or ''easy'' food, if I eat at all. I can cut sometines, to take the pain into the physical realm and to punish me for being me. This is when I would consume too much drugs or alchool in the past. I get sleep deprived and then to compensate I'll sleep too much. I get over it by letting it be at first. I feel so inadequate and useless I can't think of getting better right away anyway. Better seems to be an illusion between two worse. It is really hard to snap out of this. Sometimes you even have to go to work pretending to be fine and that makes it even worse. I have to admit that it is only aftter a few days that I tend to be able to force a more realistic (not necessarly positive)perspective on what might have happened and what my actual situation actually is. After a few days, you realize the comfort of a shower and a fresh prepared meal with vegetables. I usually just start to do things because I have to, to be honest ( i.e. going to the market, drugstore, fetching some food for the cats) and I realize that the air is good to breathe. And that walking calms my body down. I can look around me whan I am ready to see the neighborhood living it's best life, with dogs everywhere and people going out for a drink. It's everytime as if I realize how insignificant I am in the world. But just as insignificant as anyone and everyone is. And that makes me important to myself, because I am the only element in the matrix I really have control on. Wow. Ok. I'm outta here. Please excuse my French ✌️
Thank you so much! This video popped up at a really difficult time when my response had put me into my negative beliefs, watching this helped me stop the negative behaviour pattern! I’m so thankful for your advice! Knowing that this torture can be controlled eventually gives me hope to carry on fighting ❤️👊
There is a book by a psychologist Pail Hauck :The 3 Faces of Love. which was and continues to be pivotal in my struggles with BPD and it's comorbid buddies. What I gleaned from this author, spontaneously popped up for use in a particularly slippery family matter. I want to get to the point where such techniques come to mind at the onset of stress to head off the suffering. the past 24-36 hours had me going ..this is progress. I am grateful for your channel,Dr. Fox. This goes beyond "click bait" it's "click-BETTER"Thankyou
Thank you again for another helpful video!! I have been having problems with my immediate reactions and I’m excited to use the strategies and info you gave. I never heard of two types of triggers but those two differences ring very true to my experiences
When I become triggered, I tend to withdraw into myself and shut everyone out. Then I obsess and overthink until I talk myself down. Sometimes it takes hrs, sometimes days or weeks. The thing I'm struggling most with right now is identifying when I'm truly being slighted, gaslit, manipulated, or if it's just me being triggered. Especially with new favorite person. I really don't want to destroy the friendship, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of. It's so hard.
I was diagnosed with bpd and have often wondered if I actually have asperger's I have a friend with Aspergers and he and I seem to have so much in common in regards to how we perceive the world and react to others.
@@candacecasey5634 i find symptoms of autism to be quite similar to bpd behaviours and thought patterns. i’m diagnosed with both autism and bpd and sometimes the lines do get blurred but DBT therapy is helping immensely.
Thank you! Tonight by BFF text me and cancelled our plans to hang out tonight. I was looking forward to our time together all week. And then he canceled. I knew it was coming. I could feel him wanting to cancel... when I got done with my therapy appointment I saw his text. And it triggered abandonment in me. Even though I know a reschedule isn’t abandonment it still FEELS like I’ll never see him again. Thankfully he knows about my BPD and told me that he’s not going anywhere and that I’ll see him again... I refrained from saying mean things. Of accusing him of not being sensitive to my needs and only thinking of himself. And I’m giving him space that he needs and trying to figure things out myself. Anyway, just watched your video. Thank you ☺️
Okay, first of all thank you so much for the respect you show towards the disorder. It's so inspiring and hopeful. Secondly, I'll share some of the strategies I've developed over the years without realizing that I was on the borderline spectrum. For example, I used to get really anxious and irrational whenever I felt left out by the few friends I had. Generally speaking I was very secretly resentful to them, and very jealous whenever I saw I wasn't getting the same attention/love from them that they expressed for each other. The worst time, and the break through, was when my two best friends went on a trip with other friends they had. I got such an extreme reaction to that perceived abandonment that I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because they had betrayed me (I discarded them). I blocked them, I got really angry... One of our mutual friends talked some sense into me and said that they were really shook by my discard. And I was like, but I hate them now, I don't care anymore (I had demonized them). After a few days I was able to make the connection to that core emotional button they had pressed. It triggered that time when I was 10 and some mean girls, who were my best friends, discarded me. When I realized what I had done, and where it came from, I felt really ashamed for what I had done. Nevertheless, I was open about my pain with them, I said I was sorry for it and hoped they would understand. Now, it's been 4 years since that event. We are still friends. And every time I'm understand myself a bit more, and when I'm able to express what's going on with me, the more honest and open I am about what I'm going through, the closer I feel to them and the less dependent I feel. I realize not every relationship can get to the point where you are dead honest about your pain, but you don't have to give too many details to make people understand. Also, for the general anxiety and fear of abandonment, I've grown to be patient and compassionate with myself. I don't beat myself up for the things I've done, I just acknowledge them, accept them, talk it out if I need to, and move on after I've learned that lesson. It's a humbling experience. Therapy, of course, has done wonders in the comprehension of myself. They never diagnosed me as having BPD but I do have CPTSD, depression, anxiety, I'm emotionally dependent... the works. And I identify really strongly with BPD. There was this one time, I'll never forget, when I met this guy and it was like I took offense to anything he said. Literally, the stupidest things could set me off. And then he told me once "I don't think badly of people the way you do, I usually think they didn't mean any harm in what they said" MIND BLOWING. Also, other partners have made me realize that if they don't answer it's not because they are purposefully avoiding me, it's just that they are busy (HOWEVER I have also discovered that there is a difference between not answering because they are busy and not answering because they aren't that interested, it's pretty obvious once you're over the paranoia)... So, actually listening -without judgment or taking it personally-, to other people's feedback has also been helpful. Thanks to all these experiences, though sometimes painful, I've also developed the skill of reading people more accurately. Listening to what they do instead of what they say has made me more attuned to what they are really trying to tell me. All in all, it's just a journey of self-discovery. It's like I'm getting to know myself these days. And now I'm implementing things like keeping away from toxic people that throw me off, identifying abuse, saying no when I mean no; saying what I mean, meaning what I say... We must develop the bravery to express our truth and be ourselves. No strings attached. I have some other key moments from my childhood and adolescence that have been very hurtful to me, because I wasn't mature enough, or emotionally intelligent enough to deal with. To anyone reading I want to transmit a message of hope. You can learn the necessary skills to cope with these intense emotions. It just takes time and practice. Don't give up!
A tip my borderline friend uses is "wait 10 minutes." She literally sets a timer for 10 minutes and distracts herself for those 10 minutes. Then at the 10 minute mark does an emotional temperature check. If it's not back to "cool and calm" she continues with 10 minute rotations until it is. She takes no action until she's at "cool and calm." Her distractions include painting her nails, reading a book, walking her dog, and playing a video game. For her the important thing about distractions is that they keep her hands busy. If her hands are busy, it's a healthy strategic distraction.
+J. d'Artagnan Love this is terrific. Thanks for sharing!!!
Wow this is a great idea I’m gonna have a plan like this for me! I’m gonna do (journaling, art project, action movie (I hate action movies but they get me out of my head) and cleaning
Great idea!! Its not easy tho bc your first instinct is to react.
Love this!!!
she is not BPD,
there is no way the rational discernment required to utilize this method is an available tool to cope
emotional triggers with my bpd are so intense sometimes, that once i have an episode (sobbing,screaming, hyperventilating, etc). i will eventually burn out of any type of energy and emotion right after i have calmed myself and begin a dissociation period where im basically on auto pilot for a day or so. really scares me sometimes. but atleast i know im not alone. thank you for helping so many
Omg! Automatic pilot are 2 words I use all the time. Im doing " insane things" like leaving ex 100 texts & cnt stop. The rage ! The oddest thing is whenever Im doing things like this in my head Im saying. " Ur acting crazy" but I cant stop. My emotional button is being rejected abandoned ignored. Also being alone. Being alone is worse than any pain I can possibly imagine. What a fantastic Dr!
Ur not alone mae
@@saffysaffy3239 + mae
May I join as well?😰
Mae I completely understand !!!
I just started to cry when i read your experience. This is my first time connected with a BPD person. I think Im going to find a group. I feel so misunderstood by family members. All.
My Strategy is "Super Glue Moment", I have a voice that jumps in immediately after the trigger that says, "Hi Chip, you have super glue on your teeth and you cannot separate them right now, but it will wear off in 5 minutes", even a minute make a huge difference. This actually works for me.
That's somehow cute.
I'll have to try this also
Wow. That's a great idea. They used to always say "count to 20" and I guess that's why.
That’s so cute and funny I love it 💕
This is a good idea, I usually just think what I’d like to say like to the point i dissociate from the situation... i have to keep my mouth shut or things get baaad
I wish you were my therapist. It's been so difficult to find one as sweet and understanding as you.
Agree
no therapist in my area will even take someone with bpd
@@giraffe116 Everytime I tell a new therapist I have bpd, their entire body language shifts. I still do not have one to this day. My last one even made me feel stupid.
Chelsea C me too 😭
Chelsea C 100% same. It makes me feel even worse
He's giving us a bit of DBT session here.
Thank you lol.
True :)
DBT helped me so much much.
Yes, more than a bit for me this had all just started to click in therapy. Getting towards being in the wise mind is gaining a positive momentum. I have to be careful of what music I choose to listen to Ive found.
Patrick Hanson if u wouldn't mind, I'm interested to know more about music and how it helps or hinders you. Thank u!!
This helped me. I am eager to learn the strategies and transform myself and the role others expect me to play.
Not getting texts back is really such a huge trigger.. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a phone for that reason 😅
Ong🤣 I call myself an old soul, I wish I was from back then. Don’t even see the persons until in person
omg so true. It just ruined my new relationship.it triggered so much anxiety and I thought something was wrong.
i went 10 years without one and i loved it, throw your mobile away get a house phone so people can reach you if they want to x
I’ve had this a lot lately 🥺
Oh yes!!
wow, I knew I had abandonment issues but didn't have the self awareness until recently that something's else is really wrong with me. I am probably starting a really painful road but a much needed one. I am beginning to understand that I have hurt a lot of people and I want to do better. I hope and pray everyone who is struggling with inner demons will get the help they need.
Same here. Just realized in the last month that I even have abandonment issues. I definitely have BPD, but just learned that this month also. I've had it for over 30 years. I also realized that someone not texting me back right away is one of my biggest abandonment triggers. When that happens, I have to remind myself that I should probably be multi-tasking instead of obsessing over getting a reply. Thank you Dr. Fox for including the "not-texting-back" trigger/emotional button!
@@johnadams5516 I just learned that too. My mom had bpd diagnosed by one psychiatrist and then she never went to him again. That and all the symptoms tell me that I have lived with it for quite a while. But we can always learn how to cope with that and find ourselves. Dr. Fox is helping me out with his videos. I learned that I hurt people not so long ago also. I'm really happy I found his videos to try to not hurt those around me.
It feels so much better when you know the name of the disorder you have and that you are not alone! For me, it makes me feel more determined to fight the good fight.
Excuse the rant but i have to vent somehow and maye anyone might relate I keep trying I have serious problems but no ones helping me and no one gives a damn every day i either plan a suicide or go to sleep hoping i wont wake up i keep wishing when I go to the gym to train so hard i can have heart attack adnd at least die doing something i love the probem is cant help myslef i keep loving and hating evertything so much and I get so angry i scare everyone off. I cant see a happy ending to anything anymore. as for BPD I dont know for sure i have shown all the common signs for years and years it dioesnt make a diagnosis but my life has been so chaotic i honestly dont know how to make it form one day tot he next. or how to stop it i dont have loads of money for diagnosis prozac has stopped me from actually killing myself but the thoughts dont go away and nothing else has changed. The disteractions help for me lifting weights and art and video games for the most part but at the moment i am also depressed and I strugle to get ymself into the mode fo any of the distractions let alone funcions . Sorry to anyone who read all this I guess.
BJDAFENIX Hi, It's a good step watching these videos to first understand about yourself a little more. Just wanted you to know that God cares about you and Loves you. Perhaps you might benefit from prayer. If you have a Bible read John 3 :16. Also just walking around the block. Exercise releases serotonin which can help you feel better. Maybe a support group? Just wanted to let you know that God cares about YOU!
Have a blessed day.
Even if you are not diagnosed with bpd, this is all good advice for anyone.
I am not diagnosed, but I diagnosed myself. More than 5 traits fit and the theme fascinates me.
I’m not diagnosed, but my psych has noticed I have strongly all of the symptoms. But because of my age it’s much harder to diagnose
I disagree. Its not good advice to suggest people keep putting up with horrible people.
Any person in their right mind splits rude and negative people, but if you have BPD it's seen as wrong... ?
BPD people just do exactly what you're friends and everyone knows is the right thing to do, but they never do it.
Friends love to tell you the right thing to do, and most people never follow their own advice, but BPD people do. Then its seen as splitting...
The level of reaction to a slight is always used as subterfuge from the offender to ignore that they in fact did slight you.
BPD people are constantly mentally abused by people aware if their illness. They take advantage, knowing they can blane any resistance to rudeness on yiyr BPD.
They do the "im not touching you" thing until you lose it, on purpose, knowing they can get away with it.
Its what children do. People with BPD should split people like that.
@@albinomma your analogy of BPD is so spot on, especially how you used the "I'm not touching you" type tactics. It's sad but true, a lot of the closest ppl to us with BPD know we have these emotional buttons & they'll use it against us every chance they get. I've recently cut one of my sisters out of my life bc she's done this to me my entire life, & I'm 31 now! I'm not keeping anyone in my life anymore that thinks it's ok to cause me that direct stab to the heart kind of feeling...all for their own enjoyment. It's sick!
@@hanban4649 I'm glad you understand what i meant. It's good to know someone understand me.
Jane, hang in there. It's a tough life, but people like us are tough enough to withstand.
Good for you to cut out negativity from your life even if it's family. Nobody should take advantage of us.
Sending hugs and much love your way. You got this.
The part about having a role in your family as an emotional person really hit me hard.
God, me too. I started to almost cry when he said that, like he totally understood me.
Same here. I'm labelled as the short-tempered, impulsive one by my family and friends. All based on my responses in the past. And although I'm not responding that way for years now (not as frequent and intense as it used to be) I'm still viewed as such. It's frustrating and sometimes makes you feel that all your efforts to get better don't have a value for them. But now that I've completed my therapy I have a clearer vision of who I am, I'm slowly but surely changing my way of thinking, whether it is recognised or not. And yes to mindfulness and yoga!
@@sureyyak Yoga, yeah! Good luck to you, I am on the same journey. We have only ourselves to lose and everything to gain. No more adjusting to sick behaviour patterns. We are free.
@@melinaburkhardt421 Thanks and good luck to you too :)))
it’s the opposite for me! im the “cold” one. i always focus so much on not showing my emotions because im scared that others will think im “too much” (as i think of myself) and if they see what im really like they will leave me. so i appear as rational and composed but little do they know there’s quite a mess inside
Trigger #1: Standard Trigger - 1:31
Trigger #2: Emotional Buttons - 1:46
Managing Triggers and Emotional Buttons - 5:44
Plan Out How You are Going to Respond in an Adaptive and Healthy Manner - 7:15
Thank you
Have a cookie good fellow human.
I was looking for this thank you
Nexus Oz k
I have made great progress in recognizing my emotional buttons. I have so much more insight and developed a greater sense understanding and my episodes are shorter and less invasive to myself and others. I have used that energy to advocate for changes in my environment - adaptive and 'healthier' responses!
Being in a romantic relationship is the MAIN trigger for me.
It's always the same triggers over and over, and it mostly has to do with what my spouse does or doesn't do.
I've discussed with him my triggers, but we don't seem to work on them in a healthy way. The cycle goes over and over again, and we both are exhausted.
And as that spouse you ABUSE us during this. I left I could not do it one more day.
One of my strategies for not overreacting to a slight, real or perceived, is to understand that what other people do is not about us. It’s a reflection of who they are.
Not visibly reacting is a whole adventure in itself. Observing how they act next is instructive.
Not reacting takes practice, but is very liberating. Good luck.
Edit: typo: of => or
Paul Menten I NEEDED this tip. The way that you explained how to do it is Priceless.
But it's hard to remember the logical reaction in the moment. I go to super angry before I even can realize it in some cases.
@@Kimmie2.24 Me too! When I "feel" good I make a whole big list of positive things...statements, affirmations...a whole bunch of things. BUT when I'm triggered all that"junk" doesn't mean a thing.
I try to tell myself that too, but it doesn't always work. Feeling slighted is definitely one of my major triggers--including people whom I feel are ignoring me on Facebook. I keep the hurt inside, but will find myself devaluing that person internally and to others that are close to me. As an example, a young woman moved in across the street. Her dog kept getting loose, and we kept going over to her house to tell her. She never thanked us, never waved, never acknowledged us, which made me feel slighted. So I began saying nasty things about her to my husband. I finally discovered that she was purposefully letting the dog out to roam the neighborhood as she was too lazy to walk it, and so I went off on her. Granted there was justification for me to feel aggravated about her behavior, but my angst and dislike for her was really built up in my head.
"Observing how they act next is instructive" are breakthrough words.
I [try] to use 2 different quotes to help me through upsetting events or interactions:
1) "Consider the source." - if someone you don’t know or don’t think very highly of based on previous encounters does/says something that will set you off, remember that they have nothing to contribute to your well-being. It makes it easier to let go. I’ve gotten much better at this over the years.
2) "if it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t waste 5 minutes on it." - admittedly, I have a harder time with this technique but I try very hard to make it work.
Good advice!
Great ideas.
What if they do have something to offer that you can’t see at the time?
They don’t have to contribute to your wellbeing if you don’t want them to, but you can allow that thought in if you want to. Try to think about where other people are coming from and remember that they’ll still be much more nuanced than we think.
Ooo. Your first quote gave me something. 🙏🙏
When i get upset about even a very little thing, I have the urge to throw away all my stuff then comes suicidal thoughts next. Wish I could really end my life. These occurs very often and I'm quite tired of it.
This is me as well, verbatim. 😓😫
That sounds just like my mom. I wish I could help her in some way😢💔
Tamara Williams that’s so sweet of you. Just be kind and that will mean so much. Your mums very lucky to have such a lovely daughter.
Wow I really thought this was just a ‘me’ thing.
This is me every single time something minor goes wrong
I made it a habit to take breaks to cry in the bathroom, silently. If people ask I give vague answers like I'm going through something right now but I will be fine. Also give yourself arbitrary reasons to get yourself out of bed or finish assignment. If you really can't do it, give a heads up or something in advance
but what if you’ve convinced yourself you can’t do anything
Whenever I get upset, I ask for 10, 15, 30 minutes. However long I need to recoup and develop a healthy response. Putting a number on it helps both sides.
Great coping strategies!!
My trigger is all Emotional!!!! And I end up hurting the ones that I love and I end up pushing them away. Saying mean things that I regret later. But their idea of me is already horrible and then I hate that I apologized because what difference does it make. It’s so tough. Maybe love and companionship isn’t for a BPD sufferer. I just want to go thru life and not feel and not having to translate my soul. It’s either this or I shut down. And it doesn’t help that I’m an introvert. I go thru the day and It’s a good day if I didn’t fall apart . Thank you so much for these videos Dr Fox
I struggle with that defiance to myself for wanting to apologize as well. I always remind myself that those people don't hate me, or they wouldn't be in my life. And if they think I'm a certain (angry or otherwise "messed up") way, that's because I'm not doing a good enough job of controlling my emotional reactions to allow them to see the parts of me I want them to.
You are not alone. I cant apologize because I feel they made me do it. Someone did or said something and im right and theyre all wrong. Im not apologizing as well because the things I say and do you cant just walk it back. Its a lot and I live with that now. The amount of destruction I can do in a short time os astronomical.
I feel same way. Friends and family don't understand, and some don't take seriously. I take it out on myself. I'm also introverted and have hard time with people and social awkwardness. Until I'm able to overcome, I'd rather not complicate life with a non- understanding relationship. Never married and still single.
I’m in love with someone with BPD and it has been an emotional roller coaster. The highs and lows, the idolization followed by devaluation is extremely hard for me to deal with. He often takes breaks from me without giving any explanation as to why and not knowing if he’s coming back is incredibly painful. I’m having a hard time to letting him go and forget him.
My partner has pointed out that apologizing is a good starting place, though the real difference comes in the actions I take to be sure the apology is meaningful. It really has helped me to think in those terms, because I no longer feel like I'm "off the hook" just because I apologized. It's been helpful for another family member, too, who has schizophrenia and frequently lashes out at we who are closest to him.
I'm a borderline! And I watched this video while my trigger. As you said during the window between trigger and action. I was about to self harm with a knife but I didn't. I watched this video over and over again and I could breathe. Thankyou so much!
Lol I'm glad it helped you. It def calmed me down too I'm having a panic attack and feel like it helps listening to him. He's a great therapist (idk if he's a therapist what)
Wow, yes xxx
Sometimes my standard triggers then trigger an emotional button. For example, I blew out my tire the other day on a pothole and was frustrated, but then that made me late to a rehearsal, and I felt like I was letting everyone down, and then I felt like a failure, and then I wondered what my partner and parents would think of me being a failure, until I was sobbing. This spiral then gets tangled and is SO HARD to tease apart. I was forced to calm down because I was driving on a flat tire, so I pulled into a parking lot, which gave me enough time to calm down just a bit. I sat in the lot and said over and over out loud: “You are not a failure, you’re a person with a flat tire. You are not a failure, you’re a person with a flat tire.” Roadside assistance came way quicker than they quoted me and I still made it to the last half of my rehearsal. :)
I feel so grateful to have found you Dr. I'm in crisis and 57 I found this a safe place. Thank you for your advice. I will continue to learn from you. ...
You are not alone Bloobell, I am 61 and have made my whole life incredibly difficult for myself. I have only just discovered my problem is BPD. I am so relieved that i can give it a name, find help and make that change. :)
I was diagnosed in 2017, basically 25 years after the car accident that triggered my BPD. I always knew something other than Major Depression was going on, and it took a court ordered psychiatric evaluation to finally determine what--and I was already getting the best treatment because my doctor accepted me into his DBT group even without the diagnosis. We do the best we can, and always strive to be better people. Take care of yourselves!
Thank you for normalizing BPD for me. I was diagnosed two years ago and just now working on myself after a 10-year relationship. While this is going to be extremely difficult, these videos make me feel human again. You make me love myself, or at least, learn to love myself. Love, Samantha.
I'm barely learning in my 16 year relationship. I hope you are doing well today.
I think one of my biggest trigger fears is being alone people leaving my life 😕
God, last night I had an emotional trigger flipped that I didn’t even know existed. Anything that makes me feel like a failure- anything that could be interpreted that way... I didn’t realize that sort of thing was legitimately different than any other ‘standard trigger’ - but I felt it so much, so running across this video was a big help in understanding myself
You ain't a failure because you are here trying to learn to cope with your condition. Try avoid anyone from family old friends who put you down as they have zero right to do that now you are diagnosed. Do that and its half the battle. Never ever let anyone put you down and if your favourite person does ask them to explain what they mean as it may just be them checking you. X
Oh yeah, that's a huge trigger for me too...and people subtly pointing out [even when only I interpret it that way] that I am a people pleaser or that I don't actually know how social interaction works
I just realised a few days ago that I might actually have BPD. Tonight I came to a pretty dark/low point and wished/called for help in changing. And 5 minutes later I opened youtube and your video about splitting was in my recommended. "Ask and it will be given", wow, within 5 minutes my call/plea was answered. Thank you, I am very grateful. 🙏 I have seen only two videos so far and they resonate so much!
You're welcome! Thank you for your contribution to the channel.
Everything in my life is a freaking emotional button, I can feel my sanity slowly slipping away every single day. On the rare good days, I get standard triggers and they roll of my shoulders. But that same trigger the next day or even an hour or so later, turns into something debilitating..
it’s exhausting 😔
This video gave me some hope. Thank you. I needed some instruction on how to reign myself in. I realized on my own I’ve been emotionally unregulated my entire life over the past few weeks. It’s been a devastating realization but I’m ready to get as much better as I can now. It’s a life of constant suffering inside.
Well. I must say. I had this when I was first married and had children. I’m 60 now and feel very free from any personality disorder. Sometimes get anxious however I meditate. So so glad you are here helping many people
Try to find time for yourself to rest your mind as much as possible. Even a little time helps.
jefflg1967 I loved how you worded this... Rest your mind. I never ever have a relaxed mind. Thank you
This is really important advice.
*I wish. There aren't enough hours in the day to rest my mind enough to quiet the thoughts that terrorize me.*
I actually kinda loose the ability to speak when I break down after experiencing a type 2 trigger, or my emotional button is pushed... and what I like to do, is kinda go back to where the hurt started.
Lets say I'm remembering something painful from when I was a child (most of my triggers relate back to my childhood) and I wonder what happened to that child back then.
And my strategy is to comfort the child within me.
I mean, I can often try to rationalize things to death. "No, your mom loves you, and when she didn't support you, it was because she didn't know any better! She never meant to hurt you..." and so forth, but that doesn't help, because it feels like I'm not talking to an adult (which I actually am), but instead I'm talking to an infant of 4 years at most.
So what I do is I try to comfort THAT child.
I sit on my bed, huddle in my blanket, hold onto my favorite plush toy and try to hum a melody. Just of a song that comes to my mind, or that feels meaningful in that situation.
And slowly I become able to sing, and then I regain the ability to speak.
🙏🏽Mannnnnnn, 🙏🏽 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 LISTEN! when I tell you: This 🙄 right here gave me all "kindz" 😉of life 😀🤸🏾♂️⛷️😊⛵😀🎲😁 God bless you ♥️♥️♥️♠️♠️♠️
You just came right on "Thru" with a beautifully curated paradigm. Well done! I am rather impressed! I want to express emphatic gratitude! You are a Stallion🐴 a Warrior⚔️ a King 👑
That is beautiful xxx
Thank you for sharing. This advice really helps.
ten-chan omg. When I get upset I can’t speak either! It’s so frustrating.
I-i I’ve never related to a comment more. Seriously, I was like “hmm I go back to where the hurt started too..interesting.
Huh...holy heck. I also feel like I’m talking to a child with my mom and make up excuses for her behavior like she loves me and doesn’t know better.
I also feel like I can’t breathe when I panic sometimes and I recover the same way, by grabbing a fluffy pillow and listening to music.
I’ve been distancing myself from my mom these past few years (moving out helps) and that’s helped me have a clearer view of things and having supportive peers is beyond helpful to help get over the slime that’s built up.
(Aka gaslighting, and other forms of abuse)
Best wishes, soul sister lol✨🕺🏼
I'm fairly certain I have BPD. I'm going in to meet with my psychologist in a few days to have a chat with him and hopefully dig into it, and get a diagnosis if I'm correct. If not, at least I have a solid place to start. I've been using your videos recently to help me, and for the first time in years I've felt a little relief.
I've felt so trapped and confused for so many years. I didn't understand why I felt the way I felt for so long. Why no matter what I tried, it seemed like I never got better. These videos came up in my feed, and I have never resonated with anything so strongly. Your tips have legitimately helped me in tangible, measurable ways.
Thanks. I feel more full of clarity than I have in years.
Oh my god, this is me. I always thought that I was weird because I can think myself to a very dark place. When I get triggered I start thinking about all the bad things that happened to me and start to hate myself. Everything you say is soooooo similar to me!! 🧐
lailafreya me too
Same!!!
i feel like you have just stepped into my brain, i never knew there was a difference between to two triggers and now that i think about it i have quite a few triggers in both types, the emotional button is certainly harder to deal with because i have a strong reaction when it's pushed. I've already started doing the coping strategies without even knowing it, i go for walks/run regularly, listen to music or sing and it really does help calm yourself. I'm not diagnosed as BPD but after researching a little i think i might be a quiet borderline personality with avoidant personality. i think i may chat with my GP about it because ive had struggles for a long time and i always put it down to depression and anxiety. very informative video, thank you :)
I just started DBT and these videos are very helpful. I am very anxious to get started ans therapy and group is taking longer to learn all there is to learn, so I truly appreciate your taking the time to post these. Very simply put, easy to understand and non-judgemental. You speak to us with respect. Thank you!
Emmy Zima d
Emmy Zima i sing too.
Good for you, Emmy. Lots of times, people are in denial or don't want to find out what is the real problem. I admire that you are interested in figuring yourself out. Self awareness is a wonderful thing.
What you say sounds familiar to me. Quiet borderline, that could be me as well. Yoga, walking, music, avoiding the news and this overwhelming emotional trigger button fits.
I just realized that I am extremely reactive in being " split" by others ! I never thought of it in this way until I started becoming aware of my own splitting of others. Although I'm getting a handle on my own splitting and learning to see others as imperfect and fallable , when I am around others or even ruminating about social interactions I tend to perceive them making me " all bad " . This triggers me and freaks me out !
I think that's why I isolate so much and have such an unstable sense of self.... Dr. Fox, thanks for this insite on splitting , I just had a breakthrough , ha !
Same here. When my partner splits, I respond by splitting myself because I think he's seeing me as all bad- completely out of nowhere. And of course my reaction makes everything a million times worse for both of us. Huge Aha moment for me just now...
Perfectly said !! I've just been calling it " social anxiety " but this explains it so well !
Dr Fox I'm sitting here in tears. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly 2 years ago. I battle with it daily. Affordable, ongoing support is not available to me.
I feel like you are literally inside my head. It's like you know me intimately.
And now, I have somewhere to go for help! Somewhere to learn skills and techniques and coping mechanisms to try and be a better, healthier me!
Thank you Dr Fox, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being selfless enough to share your knowledge and professional help and make it available to people like me who just cannot afford the help we need. You are literally saving lives by doing this.
- A new and grateful subscriber.
Summarizing 3 things that I got from Dr. Fox on this video to cope with BPD:
1) Create a structured environment
2) Track mood swings (in documents / apps) and derive understanding on crisis cycles and triggers, and plan how to slow down when this happens
3) Find Positive Distraction that keep you calm and slow emotional reactions (Yoga, Walk, Run, Paint, Play Music, etc)
Mario Sebok thank you for doing that
The more I understand these things about BPD, the more I understand the NEED in being patient and caring toward myself. I can’t compare my journey to anyone else. A lot of times I feel like my life should’ve been altogether at my age-25 about to be 26. I got caught up in tryna keep up with the Joneses that I acquired actually hardly anything and kept spiraling. This is the TIME to be still and deal with my issues in depth and stay away from negative people. Nobody is perfect y’all but just know that negative people can smile too. Negative people can agree with positive sayings and quotes. Negative people can appear to speak very positive but REAL positive people don’t leave the ick on you. Real positive people don’t leave dark energy around you and you don’t have to feel on guard with them. A lot of negative people deliver news to you as being “real”. We all have our down moments but there is a difference between people who have rough moments than those who are pessimistic.
According to Carolyn Ellis, “When used with intention and purpose, silence is a communication superpower.”
Can you please do a video on the “Quiet Borderline “?
I think he read your comment..
Yes!! I have quiet BPD and would love to know more.
I think that's me too
I've quite BPD aswell
Leading a healthy lifestyle in a meaningful and calm matter helps a great deal. Meditation, observing the toughts and letting go. Being single for a long time helps, taking full responsabilty for my thoughts and life. I am not so sure I will get back in a love relationship. I live a more complete, more zen life when I am single. Maintaining a routine and balancing work and meaningful leasure time. Relaxing, meditation, aqua fitness, Qi Gong and bking does it for me. Not depending on others, self love, self care, self compassionand proud to be self governed. Planning ahead, autum and winter is more difficult for me, I have planned activities that I can do during this period of time. Also, good nutritional diet, exercice and regular sleep schedules helps a lot. Remembering that often, things are a question of perceptions, changing perceptions helps a lot. Hope this can help, and yes, it is possible to live a healthy balance life, it just takes practice and perseverance.
Chantal L. Considering fear of abandonment is one of the main symptoms of BPD, it’s odd to hear about the single life preference. But I’m fairly certain I’m on the mild spectrum of BPD as I don’t and never have had abandonment issues, and I just seem to get hung up on and argue specifics though not full splitting, though triggered by anything to become enraged. I’m in a decade long marriage and finding it so incredibly hard to communicate, though I don’t demonize or idolize my spouse. I feel so happy when I’m alone, I can’t help but wonder what a life on my own would be like. Anyway, I totally resonate with your approach and would love to experience that type of solitude myself.
I'm getting out of a 10-year relationship and totally understand the need to be single. I can't say I will always be single, but I want to learn how to cherish being single, so when someone comes into my life I am not projecting my hopes and fears onto them.
At least you have loved. The saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"
I never had a girl friend and it stinks. I had a FB but that's not what I really wanted.
I do agree though I love living by myself and having my own schedule or no schedule and just relaxing in my private space how I like it. Winter is harder if you don't have a hobby. I like it because it means hunting but besides that it is boring. Take care and good comment I can relate a lot to that.
Beautiful
Thank you for talking about this disorder and for helping me to start to peel layers off of the stigma of BPD. You speak so positively and your belief that with work things become better. I have started really trying to be more aware of my reaction to different triggers. I am a work in progress but I am further along on my journey thanks to you!
Thank you for being so empathetic about this. And thank you for putting this on TH-cam for those of us who can't afford therapy. You are very much appreciated.
Very helpful. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a long time. I now have a therapist who is trained in dialectal behavior therapy to treat BPD but we are just getting started. My emotional buttons are those that involve attempts to judge me and make me feel devalued. I was recently expelled from my university for reporting an instructor who was intimidating me in class...more than once. However, I responded with some nasty emails. Although the college knew I had a mental health disability, I was still expelled. It was such an emotionally devastating experience I had a mental breakdown. I am just now beginning to recover. Thank you, Dr. Fox. (yes, I have retained an attorney but the most important issue is getting mentally healthy and stronger).
Karen, it is easy to get misdiagnosed as bipolar. I am classic BPD, but at the same time... I am also Bipolar 2. The bipolar 2 dx did not happen to me until after my dad passed away, five years ago. I assume, he and grief was a trigger, ha ha. The short version is that my dad was full blown bipolar (though back then, we didn't know what it was called) we just "were trained in/on - what NOT to do" - not spend money left and right, not do this and not do that and told not to do this and not to say that - seriously no wonder I turned out BPD.
#TRUMP2020
Same here!
Karen Kirkpatrick we are the SAME
It helps me to take a pause, write it down and give myself a day or two without acting on it. Then When I’m calm I see it differently.
I was diagnosed a couple of months ago and I am 30 this year. It’s been such a long hard road but I am so thankful I came across your videos at such a pivotal time of clarity. Thank you for all that you do!
Lately i found that i have BPD, since my childhood i had these symptoms i used to blame others for my feeling and then play victim, had this habit of controlling everything, everyone and etc etc. The felling of being left out was always there. And so was my reaction which i couldn't control and regret later. Though i wasn't aware that i have such disorder and when i started questioning myself that why i feel that i am the only one who is right and rest everybody is wrong genuinely which can't be possible, i started wondering. I browsed about my symptoms and found that i have bpd. This is my 2nd day after knowing the fact that i have bpd and i wanted to totally get rid of it. This thing is really suffocating and exhausting.
I relate to what you are saying. I hope things are improving for you 💓
I see it has been a year since you left this message! How has it gone since learning you also have BPD?
I can feel. I always had this feeling of left out those people I love. I had a emotional breakup with my best friend when I was 10 because of my jealousy. I had fights with family because of plans didn't excute the way I wanted. I become clingy and parasite to those people I emotionally depended on. They set my mood. The constant fear of rejection, the triggers when I don't get a reply, the triggers when they say I am doing drama, the overwhelming emotions, the judgement about me that why I am so emotional, why so demanding, why can't I be just happy. It's tiring for me. I am also fade up of the insecurities, the emotions I feel so intensely . Sometimes I feel pls give some pills or something to make me sleep for years. May be I will be happy by forgetting everything.
Thing is it’s different from narcissistic personality disorder in that blaming and victimized isnt always imagined. It’s usually real because of victimization from a narcissistic personality close to us.
Damn guys. This sucks but I am so grateful to you for being honest because I feel this way too. There has to be a way out on this earth and because I believe that I am seeking counseling and will simply never give up. Good luck to you I hope you find peace and ways to cope with these powerful emotions too !
Just been sitting here and I've taken 10 full pages of notes from a few of your videos!! You're helping me gain so much insight into my own mind. Also thank you for your worksheets. I'm so grateful to have found this channel.
I'm so glad to hear they are helpful. I wish you well.
This is so enlightening. I wish my psychiatrist would have talked to me about this. However, I am very glad to say that overtime I have been able to manage my disorder and able to have shorter episodes and ones that aren't as damaging to myself or others. There is hope people!!
I like your presentational style. This stuff is useful for severe depression too. Thank you.
I realized my trigger was my family. I got rid of them, lost 120lbs, quit smoking cigarettes and got a great career. It was a hard process and took years to finally make the decision that they were all holding me down into this borderline role and I was used as the families scapegoat for everything.
Why my nephew wasn't doing well in school (Well, he always listens to you! It's matthew's fault!)
Why my sister is over 300 lbs and miserable (she hung out with Matthew, you know how depressed and fat he was)
etc etc. I realized they're all fuck face, narcissists and got a borderline workbook and went to town.
My biggest trigger is that I live with a narcissist now, who invades my personal space and touches me to get my attention when I'm on the phone or doing something important. I feel like exploding and breaking things sometimes. I know it's how I react and I've NEVER been mean to him or let him know how it makes me feel visually or tonally. It murders me inside and I know it manisfests in different areas in my life. Like with work and my relationship with my girlfriend, of which he's the brother who won't move out of the dead mother's house she got.
I'm currently saving up money to move and get my own place in about 6 months. I live in the highest rent area in the united states. It's very difficult here. (Orange County, California) but I can't leave due to my new job.
This comment really stuck out to me. I really despise how people act once they find out you're a borderline. Oh my god, the stigma, it kills me. And what's worse is when my husband defines my personality (and this horrible disorder) by a stupid little pill. Even if I've taken my meds for the day, and let's say i have a slight outburst, or I get frustrated at some standard trigger...my husband will look me in the eye and harshly say "Go take your medicine, April" to which i generally reply, "I have" and that in turn pushes an emotional button and i completely shut down. In my mind, my husband only likes ME when i'm consistently taking my medication. He obviously detests full on BPD me. But with that said, my husband...my sis in law..my dad and my aunt all believe the same thing: that i'm a drama queen that loves money. Honestly i have no clue how they came up with any of that, because ironically, i try to avoid drama at all costs, but when it does happen, guess who's blamed for it. Me. And the money thing? i have no idea, i've never been one to spend, or accumulate, money. Anyways, I guess what i'm trying to say is I know what it's like. My whole family blames me for everything that goes wrong: The house is messy translates to oh, she's just lazy. or some other stupid shit like that. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
BPD are drawn to narcissistic people. Move out!
@@anaisanais89 my ex did the same thing, everything was my fault. Consider if you're really where you want to be ❤
@@anaisanais89 I'm so sorry you're going through this ☹ I sincerely hope you have some support people in your life. Hit me up on Insta @ag3ntphoenix if you need to talk xx
Hey dude, I live an hour away. Das cool
I finally found good therapists in SanDiego that are helping me thru my mood swings and reactions. Gotta be aware of my behavior n words. And keep the negative ppl who seem to push my buttons intentionally. We dont need to be aggravated if we know we are highly sensitive in the first place. We're injured, not hopeless. Thanks Dr. fox. Your amazing.
This is definitely my favourite channel on psychological and emotional coping strategies.
I like the REST strategy for dealing with triggers:
Relax
Evaluate
Set an intention
Take action
So when my narcissistic boss is being a jerk and provoking me to a reaction - Relax = don't respond immediately, Evaluate = acknowledge that he has just been a jerk, Set an intention = realise that reacting will only confirm his view on me and allow him to 'win'(of course there is no 'win' but he enjoys seeing me react), Take action = don't respond to his taunt.
Gold 🥇 thank you
This strategy applies to everybody. In my humble opinion. Thanks! 🥇
I'm currently going through a crisis situation and when I first started watching this video, I didn't intend on writing a comment here - but you've said that comments can help people, so here goes... with a lot of therapy, support, and soul searching, I've become quite a highly functional person who also had BPD. However, this recently changed about 2-3 weeks ago, and it's seen me act out of character and out of control, with one situation being much riskier than I ever thought I'd see in my adult life. Hearing about the difference between triggers (standard, everyday triggers vs specific emotional buttons that seem to travel to our most hurt times) speaks volumes to me. I can identify that my recent 'triggers' are better described as emotional buttons, having what I perceive as an abusive relationship unfold in front of my very eyes in my own house between two of my closest friends whom I've tried to help. Their web of lies is starting to unfurl, each realisation breaking me more. It was exhausting to support them, and have them ignore and even deny my boundaries in my own home, and the double standard they are imposing now is exactly what they denied me for months. I needed to reclaim my space, and I eventually did, after 6 whole months, but they wouldn't listen to me until I 'lost it' which I never wanted to do. Doing this and now having them 'grey rock' me has caused me excruciating emotional distress. I can see the light... but I'm not sure how to move beyond this pain. I scheduled an emergency appointment and I'm really looking forward to seeing my psychologist in a few days. Thank you for your insightful and informative video.
As a husband ,of some 38 years, of someone , who i believe suffers from BPD , [ from severe childhood abuse ] , it is extremely hard to calmy talk about the situation without her becoming agitated and aggressive. And this situation is developing more as she gets older and as the daily high's and low's increase.
i have been to several councilors over the years seeking help , however it all comes to a halt when my wife refuses to go.
I love her dearly , and it is so hard to see her going along this track , and internally self destructing , however there seems to be little to no help for the partner of someone suffering from suspected BPD . The rest of her siblings have sort counseling for their childhood abuse ,and from their point of view they believe they are all the better for it , and i believe i can see it in them.
When I read your comment, I thought I had just written it. It is the mirror image of what I have been going through with MY wife for 38 years. From the severe childhood abuse, the difficulty to calmly talk without agitation and aggressiveness, to her refusing to understand what is happening to her and us. I also can not find help or understanding for me, or for me to help her (doctors that are unresponsive or unequipped to handle), to the entire family in denial. I guess it's good to know there is a "voice" in the canyon, not just an "echo".
@ Geoff Mckenzie what type of extreme child abuse did he suffer through?
@@rippindrummer666. She . And lets just say it was both sexual and emotional,
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for the informative video, my mother is a professional button pusher. She’s is 86 years old and still manages to trigger me on a daily basis. I have to accept that she’s never going to change and find ways to manage the triggers.
Wow, you've nailed it! I never knew there were standard triggers and emotional buttons...this explains so much to me, thank you for sharing your expertise.
this is so me too
My girlfriend has not yet been diagnosed with BPD but it's very clear she has it....every comment here is so similar to what she endures on a daily basis...i've been watching videos non stop on this to try and help her and this video and the comments have been extremely helpful...thank you
how lucky is she to have you
You're a very good partner :)
Same as my husband….everything makes sense when I listen to the videos and read the comments. I went through the checklist recently with him and he agreed he might have it. It helps me understand what’s really going on and also gives me hope that he can get better 🙏
Excellent and very helpfull.
Something I learnt recently for when I'm triggered is 'Stepping in' basically going with the desire to react big time and 'Stepping back' which is choosing consciously not to react in the moment.
Really simple labels that are hard to forget but that truly help with control once you become conscious of them and use them regularly.
4 Years later, and your videos are still helping people. I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and one thing I've been working on is what to do once I'm self-aware. My therapist is surprised at my levels of self-awareness, but it's difficult to control the action. One thing I've found helpful is once I'm aware that I'm filled with rage or whatever emotion, I take a step back and separate the emotion from the triggering event, and ask myself "Is this a 'normal' response, or is this a BPD response?". As a personal example, I hate getting cut off in traffic, and I will tailgate like it's nobody's business for miles. But lately, I've made a lot of progress to accept that I can't control the actions of others; I can only control my response.
My standard triggers make me feel rage and self hate more than anything and its felt in my head, teeth arms, legs and i question "should i hurt them or myself?" But quickly get over it and maybe throw a private tantrum.
The emotional button, however, i feel impending doom, worry, doubt, constant 'what if's' and don't get me started on the battles in my brain, one saying "confront the situation aggressively and the other, "cut them off, they don't deserve you/you don't deserve them" until I'm reassured everythings fine and my opinion and views change once again. It's bloody exhausting.
I have watched so many of ur videos. I so appreciate how u explain things while u understanding the depth of the pain people with borderline personality disorder go through constantly. Thank u!!!
Dan, thanks for providing the well-planned sequence with the 1) recommended pre-video content on managing emotions, 2) your outline for managing triggers/emotional buttons for us to place into our notes, 3) your discussion with practical application, and 4) the citations that reference evidence based research.
Your videos have helped me so much. I am 42 with a diagnosis of BPD, PTSD, Bipolar and major depression. I feel a mess and have really been thought the wringer. I have found thatmeditation helps me so so much and painting! I love to paint. I have issues with speaking in a cryptic and have a hard time getting people to listen to me and judging me with actually KNOWING me. Thank you for this video because now I feel unique.
So hopeful and compassionate. Thank you for doing these videos.
Listening to what you're saying is so reassuring. Sometimes it makes me laugh how much symptoms and so forth are so beyond relatable. I never have words for how everything feels but listening to you say it makes it easier to explain and understand, even for myself. So thank you! Puts things into perspective.
You are uniquely qualified to help people with BPD- you are compassionate, quite bright, respectful of the BPD person and engaged in your work.. i have no doubt you have helped many many people. Thank you so much for these videos and your talent.
It has been a long road in learning to deal with my daughter.....I even took weekly sessions at a nearby hospital where we learned to deal with concurrent disorders, meaning, addiction and mental illness combined, while not really knowing what came first, the former or the latter....but I was given some tools to use in living with this family member. However, her extreme mood swings which could happen on a dime, and be numerous even in one day, would often leave me feeling totally drained and unable to cope with further outbursts! I was often labelled her enemy number one.....with much heartache following for the both of us, as she would cause great alienation between us. What you have delineated today, the difference between the two types of triggers, is very, very helpful, giving me another tool in my daily dealings with her....a deeper understanding of how to help her deflect and absorb each incident before it escalates into total behaviour disregulation! Thank you for this information....and God bless you for putting it out to social media for our betterment and health!!!!!
Tess Ferrazzi thank u for being a great mom and human. BPD is like CEN (childhood emotional neglect) syndrome and many parents stay in denial and the adult child has to get resolution without being really seen. So thank you!! Thank you for wanting to see the person below the damaged wiring.
I’m 42 years old and I’ve never been diagnosed with this but I don’t know anything that makes more sense. I get so mad and flip out. Then hate myself for awhile and I listen to music that keeps me in that loop because it makes me feel something. I play out a million scenarios on what I should have done but I can never apply those tools when I see red and focus on my rage.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes courage to open up about our struggles. Remember, there's always support and resources available to help you navigate your emotions. Take care of yourself!
I got angry and teary eyed and angry again then kind of relaxed then full blown snap mode. People trying to say something to me without coming out and saying it's towards me. Random people were rude. I flipped out and wanted to cause severe pain. Then because I'm an empath I felt awful and really bad I blew up like that
RAVEN Moon Tarot same with meeeee. I’ll feel triggered and completely overreact and then 10 minutes later I will hate myself and feel such utter SHAME. Then I will obsess over whether they’re going to leave me after my great overreaction or if things are back to normal. I’ll start probing the person to figure out how they feel about me or if they’re close to shutting the door on me.
Then starts another cycle of self hatred and feeling too worthless to be alive. Undeserving of everything good in my life. It could all be avoided if I just don’t react.
Wow, you're between a rock and a hard place! But you can gain control over intense anger and other BPD symptoms. Good luck, and never give up on yourself! You can and will get better.
@julia k and youre an asshole, see we can all diagnosed people over the internet
@@ilovecrocs ROFL nice way to stick up for the main comment.
I’m 16 and realized I had BPD while binge watching your videos late at night and im starting DBT next week and I just really appreciate all you do for us. I always thought I had bipolar depression because it runs in my family and my therapist said it might be both but I would’ve never knew so much about myself and how to analyze certain moments of my life that affected me if I hadn’t watched your videos. Much love, thank you.
I'm binging on your videos, I am loving the concise articulation. I'm wondering if you would consider doing a broadcast on romantic jealousy, in bpd. being preoccupied with how attracted our partner is to us, or our sensitivity to our perceptions of their attraction to others. I hear this is a huge problem amongst female borderlines....maybe men too
Yes. My relationship is a mess due to this.
Yes, sex can be challenging at times. If my partner seems like they aren't enjoying it, I get triggered. I once had a partner mock my sexual performance and it's never left me.
I agree. This is very important crucial topic
Mindfulness is good.
I also starting emotional management exercises which consist of stopping , sitting down legs and hands uncrossed, breathing and concentrating and trying to identify what and where you are feeling in your body the pain, frustration the feeling that your emotions triggered and than do a body scan and let this feeling dilute. DO NOT FOCUS ON IT! Just let it go... Observe it and let it go.. AND BREATH....and when you feel that the overwhelming feeling is not holding you anymore and that your are calm again then you can open your eyes.
Thank you for the videos, Dr Fox. It certainly makes me understand a lot about the way I have been acting for many years and I have a lot of work to do. I have pushed away and lost lots of people including family even moving across the country to try to find myself, but realize that a lot of it is BPD related. I am looking into finding a psychiatrist here, but again there is stigma around BPD. I changed my diet, started exercising and will start a basic yoga class soon to help me even more. I look forward in continuing to listen to more of your videos.
Your videos are so helpful! I go to MBT in sweden and I find your videos to be a great complement to that treatment. I've watched and re-watched a lot you're videos for over a year now and I've gained a deeper understanding and therefore forgiveness for myself and bpd. That voice of a constant bad conscience or being ashamed is slowly bacomming less loud in my head.
Thank you very much. I have never seen a video so precise about borderline disorder. You sure do helped me a lot, mainly on the aspect of abandon feeling that comes right away as soon as a trigger is activated. Thank you so much again.
Please live 1000 years sir and stay fit and fine and happy always .. your videos are really helpful.. I'm suffering from BPD and your videos are helping me in managing my thoughts and situations well .. so grateful 🙏🏻
So helpful. I've been on this over-drive learning phase to better understand my partner. I would love to see more on the family side of things involved with a bpd loved one, how to cope, respond and support their significant other.
I've been self aware for a almost a year now but always in denial and i hyperfocused on reasearching different mental disorders in hopes to find one less stigmatizing only to find out I relate to so many others. And that's what's been my main trigger lately so this video was a blessing for me thank you
I've yet to see a professional, but many BPD things ring very true to me (I would consider myself a quiet one however, as I withdraw and implode rather than explode). This video in particular as well. But one thing I've found recently, as in literally a few days ago, that helps me intercept an emotional button trigger is to draw one of my favourite characters from a show or video game. It makes me focus on something that generally helps me relax and makes me happy (my show or game) and it gives me something that my mind will fully focus on (the drawing).
I never knew there are two kinds of triggers. Thank you, Dr. Fox, for making that clear. My takeaway from this helpful video:
We can live in the moment...
Fully aware of our feelings -- but not controlled by them
Fully aware of our surroundings -- alive, experiencing our senses, but non-judgmental of what we see, hear, smell, touch
Training ourselves away from automatic negative thought patterns and resultant negative behaviors -- we CAN live self-controlled, God-centered, unselfish lives
I honestly thought for 25 years that it was just me and I blamed it on my horrible experiences.
This illness is vile and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
i thought the same for 28 years … ☹️
@@tamunagoderdzishvili8730
I'm still learning about it but god it's hell .
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for everything you do for the BPD-Community.. It is visible how big of a help you are to those struggling with BPD. Especially for the ones who are not able to receive treatment because of financial reasons or a lack of availability. You are a literal ray of light in the darkness, how corny it may sound..
Thank you so much for your videos, you are putting into words things I already know about my BPD since I have been living w the diagnosis about 4 years but it really helps to listen to someone speak about it in such a caring and clear manner and provide new coping skills and tools.
Therapist always has my life on blast!
Honestly, he has helped me SO MUCH though! It’s a process, and I honestly feel so lucky my husband is and has been sooooo supportive.
I prolly don’t deserve him.
An excellent video. We need more of that and more details on how to develop technichs
Thank you Dr Fox for your ongoing support on TH-cam. Your delivery is what keeps me coming back. You are calm, non judgemental, non threatening and so forth. I haven't had a lot of that in my life and it makes me feel safe. I don't trust anyone and never feel safe. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I grew up in that kind of environment, scared, no terrified. So your delivery is the opposite of what I've always known and it is good, keeps me calm. I have referred other BPD folks to you and you seem to be doing it right for everyone. You really understand that we aren't trying to be different, difficult, attention seeking... we just are. I found myself splitting last weekend and was able to correct my thinking because I've learned, with your help and many others, that splitting is not rational. It was my psych nurse that I was splitting on. I told her about it and how I was able to FINALLY realize what I was doing and correct me thoughts. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and I'm 65 years old. Better late than never I guess. Thank you. God bless you, Dr Fox
For me it’s awareness !! When I feel that wave hitting me hard ! Everything is racing ! Feeling the build up !! My mind going crazy !! And the voices in my head start ( seee seee I told you... ) for no reason other than I was triggred !
I just started doing this :
Hit pause ! Where I’m ! What I’m doing ! Feeling ! It’s ok to feel no matter ! I’ll be ok ! And try to do something elese ! Engaging my hole body ( jumping rope ) ! Or putting music and dancing ! Or going for a walk.
I know it’s stupid when you are that made, angry, or feel paralyzed because of anxiety ! But It’s going to be ok !! I’m doing my best !!
Hope it helps !
God Bless You !
@@realitywinner7582 God Bless you too :)
I was diagnosed with bpd as a teenager. I feel like I don’t have it for about 2-3 weeks out of the month. Then, around that time of the month, like clock work, my reaction to certain triggers becomes extreme. I was made to feel ashamed about having outbursts as a youth. Now, I notice that a certain level of assertiveness is necessary from time to time. I am learning to give the correct amount of assertion, for each specific situation. It’s easy to go overboard. I just try to stay as present as possible, instead of going completely red, like I used to.
Thank you so much for giving me hope, that I will get better...
Thank you so much for this video. It helped a lot to differentiate between the triggers. This morning my favorite person started teasing me for not reading books I had checked out months ago. I had mentioned the day before that I felt like a failure for not writing enough, not creating enough, not reading enough, not being enough. And them teasing me about the books felt like they were pointing out my inadequacy. Pointing out that I didn’t do enough, didn’t measure up, failed, disappointed, and my emotions quickly spiraled out of control. I felt so hurt and angry. So very betrayed by them. It felt intentional and I just wanted to be left alone to not continue to exacerbate my anger, but they said I was too sensitive and needed to take a joke which only made me feel worse. After being alone for a while, sleeping, I calmed down but only after much anguish and pain. I wish other peoplw recognized this is a real disorder and people genuinely suffer from it. Not believing it’s real only makes matters worse.
These people don’t sound like Friends or having empathy. Don’t blame it on yourself when people are toxic.
Standard triggers tend to cause some rage outbursts most of the time. That would be running late, '' dealing with the matter" as I call it, witnessing some social behavior I don't agree with. I speak too much, too loud and agressively, even to strangers on the street sometimes and that is something that I find particularly humiliating afterwards.
When it's not rage, I feel a deep pain, the kind that makes tears run down my cheeks with my eyes wide open despite any effort of controling it. Sadness (often linked to a feeling of failure or being inferior) litteraly shuts me down. I can't seem to speak for a couple minutes to sometimes a couple hours. And if I do speak, it will be short and sweet and low volume.
To manage, I try to find a quiet space, where I'll focus on my breathing and do the traditionnal 4-4-8. It's hard but I try to put in perspective the (un)importance of what just happened and try to see myself from an outsider perspective. That helps me to see how ugly I find myself when I react with rage. And it helps me to see how overdramatic I am being when in pain for most of the time no valid (i.e. lasting) reason.
My reactions to standard triggers seem to diminish after less than a few hours at the top. Emotional buttons, I seem to notice, usually provoque a reaction that might last for a couple days to a couple weeks.
Anything linked to who I am to the core as a person might trigger this type of reaction, be it my love life, my wannabe carreer and social recognition, my family, my position and power in the society I have to evolve in. I usually tend to isolate myself. Like, for days at the time. During that time, a lot of rumination is going on, mixing old traumas with new ones and loosing the track. I tend to take less good care of myself in general: ok to bad hygiene, eating bad or ''easy'' food, if I eat at all. I can cut sometines, to take the pain into the physical realm and to punish me for being me. This is when I would consume too much drugs or alchool in the past. I get sleep deprived and then to compensate I'll sleep too much. I get over it by letting it be at first. I feel so inadequate and useless I can't think of getting better right away anyway. Better seems to be an illusion between two worse.
It is really hard to snap out of this. Sometimes you even have to go to work pretending to be fine and that makes it even worse. I have to admit that it is only aftter a few days that I tend to be able to force a more realistic (not necessarly positive)perspective on what might have happened and what my actual situation actually is. After a few days, you realize the comfort of a shower and a fresh prepared meal with vegetables. I usually just start to do things because I have to, to be honest ( i.e. going to the market, drugstore, fetching some food for the cats) and I realize that the air is good to breathe. And that walking calms my body down. I can look around me whan I am ready to see the neighborhood living it's best life, with dogs everywhere and people going out for a drink.
It's everytime as if I realize how insignificant I am in the world. But just as insignificant as anyone and everyone is. And that makes me important to myself, because I am the only element in the matrix I really have control on.
Wow. Ok. I'm outta here. Please excuse my French ✌️
Dr Fox seems like the rare breed of therapist who cares for those with BPD and wants them to succeed in life.
Thank you so much! This video popped up at a really difficult time when my response had put me into my negative beliefs, watching this helped me stop the negative behaviour pattern! I’m so thankful for your advice! Knowing that this torture can be controlled eventually gives me hope to carry on fighting ❤️👊
There is a book by a psychologist Pail Hauck :The 3 Faces of Love. which was and continues to be pivotal in my struggles with BPD and it's comorbid buddies. What I gleaned from this author, spontaneously popped up for use in a particularly slippery family matter. I want to get to the point where such techniques come to mind at the onset of stress to head off the suffering. the past 24-36 hours had me going ..this is progress.
I am grateful for your channel,Dr. Fox. This goes beyond "click bait" it's "click-BETTER"Thankyou
Thank you again for another helpful video!! I have been having problems with my immediate reactions and I’m excited to use the strategies and info you gave. I never heard of two types of triggers but those two differences ring very true to my experiences
When I become triggered, I tend to withdraw into myself and shut everyone out. Then I obsess and overthink until I talk myself down. Sometimes it takes hrs, sometimes days or weeks.
The thing I'm struggling most with right now is identifying when I'm truly being slighted, gaslit, manipulated, or if it's just me being triggered. Especially with new favorite person. I really don't want to destroy the friendship, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of. It's so hard.
I Have Asperger Syndrome and theese emotional difficulties are SOOO similar to my own.
I was diagnosed with bpd and have often wondered if I actually have asperger's
I have a friend with Aspergers and he and I seem to have so much in common in regards to how we perceive the world and react to others.
@@candacecasey5634 i find symptoms of autism to be quite similar to bpd behaviours and thought patterns. i’m diagnosed with both autism and bpd and sometimes the lines do get blurred but DBT therapy is helping immensely.
Thank you! Tonight by BFF text me and cancelled our plans to hang out tonight. I was looking forward to our time together all week. And then he canceled. I knew it was coming. I could feel him wanting to cancel... when I got done with my therapy appointment I saw his text. And it triggered abandonment in me. Even though I know a reschedule isn’t abandonment it still FEELS like I’ll never see him again. Thankfully he knows about my BPD and told me that he’s not going anywhere and that I’ll see him again... I refrained from saying mean things. Of accusing him of not being sensitive to my needs and only thinking of himself. And I’m giving him space that he needs and trying to figure things out myself. Anyway, just watched your video. Thank you ☺️
I wish you practiced in Austin! You are so incredibly insightful and an expert on these topics!
Thanks, me too. Austin is great. Be well.
11:02 Thank you that you have said that. It is really true. It makes change difficult, but after I hear that from you the task will be much easier.
Okay, first of all thank you so much for the respect you show towards the disorder. It's so inspiring and hopeful.
Secondly, I'll share some of the strategies I've developed over the years without realizing that I was on the borderline spectrum.
For example, I used to get really anxious and irrational whenever I felt left out by the few friends I had. Generally speaking I was very secretly resentful to them, and very jealous whenever I saw I wasn't getting the same attention/love from them that they expressed for each other. The worst time, and the break through, was when my two best friends went on a trip with other friends they had. I got such an extreme reaction to that perceived abandonment that I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because they had betrayed me (I discarded them). I blocked them, I got really angry... One of our mutual friends talked some sense into me and said that they were really shook by my discard. And I was like, but I hate them now, I don't care anymore (I had demonized them). After a few days I was able to make the connection to that core emotional button they had pressed. It triggered that time when I was 10 and some mean girls, who were my best friends, discarded me.
When I realized what I had done, and where it came from, I felt really ashamed for what I had done. Nevertheless, I was open about my pain with them, I said I was sorry for it and hoped they would understand.
Now, it's been 4 years since that event. We are still friends. And every time I'm understand myself a bit more, and when I'm able to express what's going on with me, the more honest and open I am about what I'm going through, the closer I feel to them and the less dependent I feel. I realize not every relationship can get to the point where you are dead honest about your pain, but you don't have to give too many details to make people understand.
Also, for the general anxiety and fear of abandonment, I've grown to be patient and compassionate with myself. I don't beat myself up for the things I've done, I just acknowledge them, accept them, talk it out if I need to, and move on after I've learned that lesson. It's a humbling experience. Therapy, of course, has done wonders in the comprehension of myself. They never diagnosed me as having BPD but I do have CPTSD, depression, anxiety, I'm emotionally dependent... the works. And I identify really strongly with BPD.
There was this one time, I'll never forget, when I met this guy and it was like I took offense to anything he said. Literally, the stupidest things could set me off. And then he told me once "I don't think badly of people the way you do, I usually think they didn't mean any harm in what they said" MIND BLOWING. Also, other partners have made me realize that if they don't answer it's not because they are purposefully avoiding me, it's just that they are busy (HOWEVER I have also discovered that there is a difference between not answering because they are busy and not answering because they aren't that interested, it's pretty obvious once you're over the paranoia)... So, actually listening -without judgment or taking it personally-, to other people's feedback has also been helpful. Thanks to all these experiences, though sometimes painful, I've also developed the skill of reading people more accurately. Listening to what they do instead of what they say has made me more attuned to what they are really trying to tell me.
All in all, it's just a journey of self-discovery. It's like I'm getting to know myself these days. And now I'm implementing things like keeping away from toxic people that throw me off, identifying abuse, saying no when I mean no; saying what I mean, meaning what I say... We must develop the bravery to express our truth and be ourselves. No strings attached.
I have some other key moments from my childhood and adolescence that have been very hurtful to me, because I wasn't mature enough, or emotionally intelligent enough to deal with. To anyone reading I want to transmit a message of hope. You can learn the necessary skills to cope with these intense emotions. It just takes time and practice. Don't give up!
;-) love this honesty in your post. Thank in you