BONUS: Julia and her Daughters Discuss Charles Spencer's Interview
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- For this week’s episode of the Therapy Works podcast, we published a very important conversation with Charles Spencer, where he opens up about his experience of childhood sexual abuse in boarding school. In this bonus episode here, the three of us are going to talk about our takeaways from that conversation, and what really resonated in us when we heard Charles’ story.
Key Points Discussed:
* Complexity of Disclosure: They explore the difficulties victims face in disclosing abuse, especially sexual abuse, due to societal disbelief and the inherent shame tied to these experiences.
* Impact of Abuse on Identity and Relationships: The dialogue delves into the profound effects of abuse on self-perception, the struggle with shame, and the obstacles to forming intimate and trustworthy relationships.
* Navigating the Healing Process: The importance of therapy, acknowledging one’s experiences, and finding a narrative to differentiate the past from the present are emphasized as crucial steps towards recovery.
* The Role of Acknowledgment in Healing: The power of acknowledging harm done, either through direct conversation or letters, as a pivotal step for both victims and perpetrators towards addressing intergenerational trauma.
Altogether, we’ll be discussing importance of open conversations about abuse, the healing power of acknowledgment and therapy, and the resilience of individuals navigating the path from trauma towards recovery. For more information, please visit the National Child Traumatic Stress Network - www.nctsn.org
I'm so glad that Sophie mentioned the subject of class. Charles 's brave story has been a revelation. In New Zealand, my home, we are going through inquiries into sexual abuse in institutions & i think the victims feel even worse because they were already at the bottom of the heap and then abused. Whereas this revelation reminds us that no, people at all levels of society can be vulnerable.
Such a moving story. Thank you Charles
My sister was locked in a large coupboard at the top of the stairs, in an, what we would have called orphanages back then. She was maybe 4/5. I couldn’t help her. I still feel bad about that, in my late 60s.
That's terrible..so sorry
So, so sad !! 😢😢
Sorry for you both - how awful.
The depth and length of your sorrow shows you’re a kind caring person- take care x
I too liked how he mentioned someone's surprise that at his position in that societal structure wouldn't he be protected; it was also my reaction when Harry described his treatment at school and in the army. Now it makes total sense- resentment, power trips and also fashioning 'good little soldiers' to uphold such a house of cards as that societal structure, the wealth of these big families(when we look deep enough) founded on the most heinous crimes. Time for balance and harmony - so happy to see Charles, Harry and many others finding peace now 💚
I so appreciate that you acknowledge your own privileges in life, and have become grateful and help others through that ❤❤❤
So grateful to you and to Charles for opening up channels of thought which will help me, my family and I’m sure so many others to move into a new way of being with our traumas. Thank you
Both your daughters are brilliant. Appreciated the discussion on how the impact on family members and societal shame shuts down voices. So important to also acknowledge that so many people heal.
I was very interested to listen to Charles Spencer’s story and I felt for him.
I went to several schools, all over the world, and the only schools that causes me any real upset were two ‘Private’ boarding schools in England.
I was lucky, because I never experienced sexual abuse, but there were other unpleasant experiences, and I still remember some of these incidents well.
In Prep School, having to queue down a corridor in order to have a cold bath (in the same bath, one after another). That wasn’t so bad in summer, but in winter one tried to avoid being first; as it was then necessary to break the ice that had built up overnight.
In Public School, having to watch a boy being held down by a group of boys in his bed. They held a razor-blade to his throat whilst they hacked his slightly long hair off, I still feel guilty for not having tried to protect him - and I am 75 years old now!
Apart from the risk of being caned by prefects, one had a House Master who would tape the end of his cane about an inch down from the end and then crush the end. This ensured that each stroke drew blood.
I am still fond of my main school in Europe ~ but those in England must surely have changed?
I'm so sorry you had to experience that, I hope you can forgive yourself
This discussion, and the interview itself, have been immensely helpful to me. I shed many tears listening to Charles and a few more today. From today's discussion, it was helpful to hear that the victim may suffer from perpetual self-loathing. I can equate with that.
I also took notice and enjoyed the fact that Charles would only refer to the perpetrator's actions as being evil, rather than the person. Another huge point, for me, was when he said that the question of WHY it happened isn't his problem, but theirs, and for them to deal with. That helped me with one of my bigger torments. I'm involved in looking after an elderly, very sick relative who was the perpetrator of my childhood abuse. It is hard to reconcile the memory of the evil acts with the person they became. There has been no acknowledgement or even discussion of the subject and I have been grappling with raising the subject and asking why, before it is too late. I'm conflicted by what I considered my right to know and the thought of upsetting someone who is dying, whom I have forgiven and whom I love. The words of Charles were helpful in this respect and I have let go of the why.
Therapy and disclosure will be my next steps. This discussion has helped me to partially disclose to my wife (of nearly 36 years) that I suffered childhood abuse, but more of a hint, without detail. This is a big deal for me. She had an idea. My late sibling, who took his own life, at 45 yrs, was sometimes vocal about his childhood abuse and the perpetrator. She assumed I couldn't have escaped the same treatment at the hands of the same primary caregiver, as our ages were separated by only one year, but I kept it hidden. At almost 60 years of age, I feel a heavy burden being lifted. This started with the testimony of Charles and your interview with him. Thank you so much.
So sad !!! I know exactly what you feel deep in your heart.
I have been there, and I can't get rid of those dark memories, even though I try every single day of my life.
We are the only ones who know how hard we try...
Thank you Ladies for your honesty 🎉
As a mother, it is excruciating to imagine this happening to your child with your complicity - conscious or unconscious.
Not everyone gets abused and not everyone who goes to boarding school is alienated from a close and supportive family. The term ‘complicity’ appears to be loaded by a predisposition against boarding school. The bottom line is that it is a play for accelerated maturity and independence, an opportunity for diverse experiences and an inducement to learn. It is not for some but most are going to show up on their wedding day as capable individuals with the world at their feet. When a mother surveys this scene and dares to contemplate how her grandchildren are going to turn out, maybe then it makes some sense.
TY. My mother blamed me for my father's sexual abuse toward me, then years later she had sex with my husband as payback. I am healed now.
I'm so sorry.
Truly despicable
I’m not from the same social class as you gorgeous woman (damn you’re posh!!) but as a woman I could never understand how they can send children away at 8. They’re so YOUNG still and need their (loving) mums! ❤
As an English 77year old grandmother from a similar prvate/public school background, nobody seems to realise anymore that traumatizing little boys aged 7 was quite deliberate to prepare them to lead/mother their men on a battlefied i.e. Officer them and care for their every need. How could they do that if they didn't already know just how awful life could be?
No women in that social class had the sliighttst inking of what went on in the boys private prep schools. She only had to bravely give up her baby - for his own good. Like we now take children to the dentist or force them to have painfull hospital operations.
I expect one day child Chemotherapy in will be seen as some incomrehensible form of torture perpitrated by evil hospital staff prior to killing them!
Thank you to whoever gave me a thumbs up.
Completely agree with you !
experience of physical and emotional abuse in a roman catholic convent school here
I believe familial abuse is also institutionsl abuse. Its the first & primary system we as children are affiliated with. The family system or institution is one we are affiliated with for life in most cases.