It was twelve years since I have seen my mother and when I drove across the country to see my mother she said "I wish I had beat you more" so casually and unaware of the impact her words would have. I knew then I would never put the effort in to see her again.
I hope one day, society wouldve healed enough that majority can pick up the rest and heal the nation. May not be in my lifetime or in this species, but some hope somewhere
“When you no longer let them manipulate you, be prepared to see a version of them you’ve never seen before.” All hell has broke loose here in Alabama! 😳
This is exactly where I am at in my healing journey. It’s been 14 months since I’ve spoken to my mother and stepfather and the now that I can see the real version of them, it’s actually horrifying. I was so deep in their manipulation that I had no idea how bad it actually was. It’s an entirely different facet of the healing journey, and it’s a hard one.
"Childhood trauma is really relational abuse that requires relational healing." I started crying, because so many people, professionals included, cannot or will not accept this. Say it louder, Patrick! ❤️
My therapist has been telling me a version of this for years, but never explained the why. Without the why, I didn’t understand him. Now, that I did my own work to learn about trauma, I see that he is correct. I would have never known without my own research simply because of a breakdown in communication.
@@haseebtubing It means that healing from childhood abuse has to include learning what a safe, appropriate, consistently accepting relationship is like. That learning can only be done through experience. It often occurs with a good therapist, mentor, teacher, or similar.
If you have state health care, ask your general physician if they have a social worker to help find therapy. I literally found out this was a thing 4 days ago.
My comment could be seen as #3 " Discouragement confirmation" , right ?- But not necessarily because in the process of having tried all sorts of not -good -therapy, you might have grown up by yourself and some outlet ( for stuck emotions) perhaps found elsewhere in other forms of interaction ( p.ex. if you go to drama school, training as an actor, you do some therapy work this way by stepping into some drama- situations with your whole body and emotions...) And I absolutely believe in the healing power of Music ( Something happens on a soul level that is so intimate and deep - and very real - beyond theories and mind- stuff... ) So I guess, the main factor here is willingness to " heal "/ change, and then life itself will provide something...which might be a good therapist or a wonderful friend / partner or a place to live near a music college or .....
The last time I went we came to the conclusion that she is not the right person for the job and I should go somewhere else. Somewhere else is not really anymore more conclusive either. And most that would be free to use are absolutely overloaded anyways so that adds to the difficulty
Sometimes you reach a part of therapy that is very painful and you feel stuck and worse off than before...hold on, it gets better. Growing pains are not just a physical thing.
I’ve been in therapy for the majority of my life-24 years- and wouldn’t say any of it was helpful aside from the last few years. It took me that long to learn the skills I needed to actually participate in therapy.
The last therapist ask me after 2 visits if I had figured everything out because I seemed fine. Very discouraging and had me question if I really even needed therapy. I seem put together because of my awareness but that doesn't mean I'm healed and I am not still struggling with it regularly. I thought this awareness was all I needed but what you are saying makes total sense. Awareness does not mean healed.
I am more sorry than I can say that you experienced this. That was/is the wrong therapist. Period. And unethical as well. Don't give up, not all of them are horse's butts. How are you doing now? And how's your self care? Take tender loving care OF YOU! You matter. ❤❤🎉
@@tonigarguilo9510 My self-care could definitely be better. I think about things I can do to get in touch with my inner peace like meditation but with the demands of life and family, it's hard to even get a quiet moment to myself. Thanks so much for your kindness ❤️
@@Genovia816 Dearest, I'm not old for nothin'! As women, we're inherently trained that everyone's needs & wants come before us/our needs/lives. (I'm saying this even after I grew up during Women's Lib movement! How'd that work out for us!) That's a recipe for disaster bc when we crash after running on empty, the rest of family life comes to a grinding halt. Start little...10 minutes a day, maybe a real short walk, a longer soak in tub after kids are down for night, anything at all; couple paragraphs of a good book. Don't make me come up there. I don't want to have to ground you!! LOL. Love Wannabe Mom
I'm so glad you mentioned that healing makes you want to spend less time with your toxic family. I was over here like, "Shouldn't I be okay spending more time with them because it shouldn't bother me as much as it used to? Am I wrong for still being bothered and not wanting to be around them?" So, I feel less crazy now. lol
ive literally never questioned the estrangment from my family, yet ive still felt this increase in frustration around me "growing" past my family in healing. so wild how precient
I know, I felt this too and wondered if I was “isolating” myself too much. Some family I’ve had to cut off completely because they are so toxic and don’t respect my boundaries. Thats just it, my boundaries and desire to fulfill my needs are the indicators of my healing process. Love and light to anyone feeling doubtful, or lonely due to lack of family support! This year has reminded me that the relationship I have with myself is the most important. We deserve to be loved. ❤
I too have trauma rooted in therapy. The confidentiality I needed wasn’t there until my therapist realized that my trauma was because of parental abuse. But once we started diving into the trauma, and I started to become aware of my toxic family dynamics, I, like you said, was much less okay with exposing myself to those behaviors. At the point that I started standing up for myself, I was pulled from therapy by my mother because she even to this day, refuses to acknowledge that she was abusive. She was convinced that I was the problem and anyone that disagreed and would protect me, I ended up being forcibly alienated from. You do good work Patrick. And have been an amazing ally in my self healing journey!
I'm 40 years old and still living with my abusive family. I know no one will ever read this. This has been so hard to endure for this long. The things these people have done have made it so that I became disabled under their care at a young age. They knew I would never be able to escape the abuse and live on my own when it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. I wish more kids udnerstood that there are some parents out there who will purposely disable their kids so that they can continue to torment them. I really don't know what the point of my life was. I was a kid that wanted peace. I just wanted to be heard but at this point I know no one is listening. Some parents should not be allowed to have kids. Every day I ask myself how could my parents do this to me? Why did they only have me to abuse me?
that sounds incredibly tough ❤ i’m sorry to hear that. ps. there is no point to life, to any life, because life is kind of sacred in itself, which we can sometimes feel in nature, especially close to mountains or the ocean. we are nature too, we only exist. which sounds like a painful experience. society and people around us add so much BS to it, making it extra painful like making us think about “”the point””” of stuff. no, we just need to breathe and exist and try to take as much care of ourselves as we can ❤
Man, you sound so much like me. It's hard dealing with parents like this, my mother and stepdad are this exact type but I fought to get where I'm at. Don't give up
Man I remember my first therapist when I was 12 told me that my problems didn't matter, and I should just think positively to make them go away. I just want to go back and find her to give her a "world's worst therapist" award.
Point 2 is helpful to hear. I was very surprised at how belligerent I ended up being with my family during the holidays after about a year of EMDR and trauma therapy. My go-to coping mechanism all through childhood and young adulthood was fawning, trying to keep things copacetic, concealing my needs, etc. I thought healing would make me nicer to be around, would allow me to better conceal my personal problems from those who didn't want to see them. But! When I went to see my family, I was angry and argumentative, stemming from feelings of not being heard and (newly) thinking that I deserve to be listened to. The pain was still there; I was just expressing it so much more than I otherwise would have. It was a tough few days. But I did get to learn that the goal of healing is not to make you easier to deal with.
You just opened my eyes. I thought my new belligerence meant I was failing at therapy. I wish they (therapists) talked more about what “healing” in the end goal can look like
Good timing. The downfall to this is when you go to regular therapy and you know more than the therapist. Which makes it seem like I'm faking because the therapist isn't trained to go deeper. The only trauma therapist in my area help those with severe disabling PTSD symptoms-anxiety, illegal substances, things like that. A rehab center I think. I just need a regular skilled trauma therapist.
I’m in discovery mode. Since this has affected the 4 adult children of mine I feel an urgent desire to NOT be triggered anymore. Time and patience is daunting.
I’m in the UK. I am shocked by the number of poor & uniformed therapists, who do more harm than good. When I did my training, I was horrified that some of my fellow trainees exhibited Narcissistic attitudes and nothing was said by the tutors, several of whom were Narcissistic themselves. I ended up leaving that particular ‘well regarded’ course, early. I have been to several different therapists who have absolutely no idea about CPTSD and almost wanted to learn from me, as their client. There are good therapists out there, but in my experience they are difficult to find. Thank you for this very useful video, I agree with your points.
Abusers, unchecked, flock to "feeding grounds". Which is another reason why (we) gotta help people see that some people (including and especially doctors) are not for us. To be able to say, this person is just a human as i am, and i don't like that type of human, so I'm going to work with this other human instead... It's darn important. (Aaaaand i wsh i knew how to train people to keep going and keep asking new people) (its hard tho, and as a disabled person fighting for my right to just live in a room and the utter line of folks i have to ask... I'm exhausted. It's still worth it, cuz I'm worth it. I deserve to live)
Crazies tend to be the ones who want to study crazies. A good therapist has to be Intelligent (like IQ > 130) and an empath. Especially someone who has lived and recovered from what You are going thru. Someone from a happy home or a bad childhood who is still trying to figure it out wont do. That is why This fellow is so good.
When I was in the UK, I was given to volunteers to have weekly sessions with. They had a little training but no where as much as is required for cptsd. And I'm in awe of their motivation but at the same time, I felt extremely guilty of unloading on them when I doubt they had the right training or even the right support themselves.
Exactly this. My mother is a clinical psychotherapist (PhD and all) and a narcissist, and I've been NC with her for years. I've heard horror stories from relatives wherein she berates clients who also want to go NC with their parents. 😬
I've run into this as well. That and therapists who just treat the surface. You come in with challenges and don't know how to explain them, and it's almost like they are saying "Well, you're good now. Go away."
Hi Patrick, Thank you for mentioning that the nasty comments/abuse will hurt more once healed. I was feeling confused by this. I've been keeping my distance with some toxic people in my life, but when I do see them, their jabs and manipulations seem to REALLY hurt, way more than before. To the point that I thought I'd taken a step backwards, but maybe it means I've healed a lot.
When we were more immersed in the same crap , we could' t feel it as much because we were part of it - on a cleaner shirt you see the dirt thrown at you much clearer...
Yep, there’s something about the dissociation paired with an acceptance that all of that is just normal or perhaps what we deserved that can be oddly protective in those moments despite being incredibly detrimental over all. Also, realizing the enormity of what those comments truly mean regarding an abusive person’s mindset and your now clear knowledge of its impact on your life so far can make it hurt worse…but it also does help motivate us to maintain healthy boundaries or altogether remove toxic influences.
I think I protected myself by pretending I didn't care, or I would switch off and not listen 'cause I knew they were trying to hurt me with their words. After therapy I had to listen and listen to myself and not make excuses and admit I do care. I opened myself up, which lets more in, thus more to deal with. I hate the way I feel now, I feel weak and defenseless, but Patrick says that's a sign I'm healing and that's reassuring for me, because it's normal to feel that way about nasty toxic people and we should stay away from them. I hope things improve for your situation in the future. You deserve better.
Same. And because of all the awareness and therapy I gaslit myself into thinking it meant I was the problem and that was black and white thinking and I just wasn't tolerant enough. Actually meaness hits different when you're valuing yourself and becoming accustomed to kindness and respect.
I went through a handful of therapists before finding someone who seems to understand how childhood trauma sets you up for trouble in life. I'm 68, just divorced after 35 years of a bad relationship. I told one therapist about how my husband had for years demeaned my age and appearance and abilities and creativity. He called me "ugly" and said he couldn't stand how I looked. This male therapist said that I needed to learn how to "forgive" my husband. Men aren't affected by criticism of their appearance, this guy said, and so they don't realize how painful such disparaging is to women. I told this therapist, who was Mormon, that he was full of it, and I eventually found a female therapist who described my relationship as verbally and emotionally abusive. It's slow, but I'm learning to appreciate myself and what I can do. For so long, I had ignored my own interests and needs in order to focus on my husband.
Of course men are affected by criticism, and they can be very vain about their appearance (esp hair loss) and physique! In my experience, men still think they own women and feel it is their responsibility to fix, correct and modify the behavior and appearance of their property.
oh god yes. i’ve been treading the line on the recruitment. i’m trying not to be a pushy asshole, but gods learning about toxic family systems makes me want to get my sister on board. she is still 100% in the system, being used and abused by both our mom and her husband, and it fucking breaks my heart. i started out sharing info with her in hopes of getting sympathy, but the more i learned, it kind of switched to hoping she could benefit from it. at some point, i realized she is on her own journey and needs to be able to choose for herself, so i backed off a lot. it still hurts to know she’s still trapped, but there’s only so much i can do for her. i don’t even really have enough energy to take care of my own self.
Mistaking isolation from triggers with healing. Sort of a blending of these, this is one of my biggest pitfalls. For most of my 20s I was just sort of removing myself from possible triggering interactions, mentally and physically isolating myself from really connecting with anyone beyond a superficial level. To outsiders, I was very successful, bachelor's degree, living on my own, making good money, looking and acting the part of a healed person. Inside my depression and anxiety were running the show but I sort of just thought it can't be that bad if im doing well in everyone's eyes. I still got triggered sure but it was less often and I was skilled at masking in public. (Falling apart in private) And then I started a long term relationship... oh boy did I realize I had just been avoiding a lot of things for years instead of working on them.
The discouragement confirmation, I really feel. I was what I'd call overly sheltered from failure by my parents due to me having some disabilities so that they infantilised me too much growing up, not giving me age-appropriate tasks to deal with, taking over too quickly when I wouldn't understand or do something right without teaching me how to do the thing instead or let me do it my way. It lead me to think of myself as incompetent and to quickly abort anything I could not do first try. It still impacts my discipline a lot.
That’s me too 😕 they did all that to me and then shame me when I mess up in some way or am learning how to do something now as an adult. Sorry to hear that’s your experience and I hope you are healing in some way ❤️🩹
@@emh1474relatable as hell... My mom got suddenly ill and I became her medical POA because I was close here geographically etc and she actually said something like "I don't like that your voice sounds like that you sound like an adult!" I was 43 at the time. And yet I definitely was kept in the dark with regards to any of the things that I think were age appropriate responsibilities and tasks and then mocked when I tried to figure out what to do on my own and I screwed it up when I was still in the household growing up. Not a lot of consistency in my childhood and I don't think I began to realize the impact on my life that has had until my middle age years although I was able to recognize the need to make sure I provided it for the child I helped to raise. Thank God.
I've had 5therapists, all of them were like "you seem fine, why are you here?" all except one, and when we finally started getting some good work going he got a job he'd been wanting forever and I had to get a new therapist and he's greener than green. Like I feel more experienced in therapy than he does and it's so hard to get anything done. I sincerely don't trust that he knows how to approach deep trauma.
The right therapy/therapist is so crucial. A dear friend of mine finally decided to go to therapy after a life of C-PTSD and intense family trauma as well as maybe 15 yrs of traumatic drug addiction to self-medicate and suppress/dissociate. She had no previous therapy but was clean for over 10yrs. She went to someone who did not specialize in trauma. They did a bit of talking for a while about her life story, and she diagnosed her as BP2 before her EMDR sessions began. One session unearthed an incident of sexual abuse she had no prior knowledge of, and she did not have the skills to mitigate that earth-shattering discovery. She ended up in a year long, suicidal relapse and almost lost her family and career. Thankfully she regained her footing and sobriety, but needless to say, she discontinued therapy with her therapist and possibly with anyone.
Oh no! That's so hard and sad. How did the therapist not know to resource enough first before digging into anything that might bring up traumatic past?
@@orielwiggins2225 it happens. She did not take into account that several layers of therapy were needed before EMDR or any sort of deep unearthing of stuff. And you can't really undo that dort of thing once it's unearthed.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n exactly and anyone decently trained in emdr should be well aware of that. I'm so sorry. I do hope she's doing better and getting better help.
@@orielwiggins2225 I completely agree. Sigh..sadly, as with all professions- the license/degree/certification doesn't make someone good at their job. It just makes them good at going to school. 😐 Thank you so much. She is doing so much better now, all things considered.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n truth! I hear that! I'm so glad to hear that. I hope she continues to get better. And find super supportive and qualified help and healing. I'm still hoping and looking for the same for myself.
This inspired me to start searching for a therapist to help me through my childhood trauma. Ironically, I am a PhD student in human development and family studies and I focus on internalizing disorders in childhood. But awareness is not healing. I'm so incredibly well-researched, but I am lacking agency and truly working through it. I cut off my family a few years ago, and it was the best decision for my healing, but I still have more to go! Thank you, Patrick. Thank you so much for helping people like us. ❤
I have worked in the mental health field as a counselor and I was working on my masters when I lost a couple of my family members and band mate in a short time and a host of other external events making a perfect storm in which I confronted the issues in my family of origin I was blinding myself to... I think they're on an excellent path I wish I had been able to help myself in the process sooner but I am just grateful I have been able to do any work on it at all... It was really so hard to be honest and I might be more resilient than I credit myself in being because I definitely had to reset my life. I may or may not return to that line of work in the future but I definitely look at everything that I learned in university with very VERY different eyes seeing this from the inside..... Good luck with your endeavors.❤
I'm going through some of these pitfalls and am going through a sudden awareness about my current situation as I find myself sitting in an abuse/dysfunctional relationship after being chased down by my boyfriend literally. Did he push me? Why would I let my boyfriend get away with pushing me down because I ran away from him.
“Awareness is not healing” That is such a powerful statement and where I get stuck myself. I understand in detail how my traumas have affected me, but that understanding alone doesn’t heal the wounds.
Oof. Your videos always hit hard. The second one is my biggest pitfall. I have a history of taking the hardest jobs to prove I can “handle anything”. And the last thing you said about realizing that you were actually a good kid made me tear up. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now, but still very much struggle with that concept, because I grew up hearing the opposite.
The part about the healing fantasy of the inner child not being effected by abuse anymore was very interesting! I think I will go on a personal deep dive about this.
hey I know I’m late to the party but there’s a concept called the ideal parent figure protocol which can help reshape internal perceptions of how relationships work through imagining. This might be interesting for you 😊
You named me entirely. The projecting, super reactive self, people pleasing, inner child running my life making me Uber gun shy for close, family, intimate relationships. Never finished self help books. Currently realized the adhd thing has been a long time thing that’s put bumpers down guiding the path I took thru life. -- the more sensitive and yes spending time with people is much harder. My pitfall is I hate the emotional rollercoaster of the triggers and the dislike of disappointment and dealing with toxic people and just not want to go there. I circle the wagons and keep everyone out. You’re encouraging exactly everything I hate. 😳 but you knew that. 😢😊 thx sir. I’ll put it back on my options list.
I initially went to a couple of therapists whose focus was not childhood trauma and I felt discouraged. My problems were not about “finding balance”. Then I waited on a 9-month waitlist for a therapist trained in Interpersonal Neurobiology. Totally worth the wait!
Sounds interesting! What is interpersonal neurobiology? Is it about how we regulate or disregulate each other in relationships? Would love it if you could describe the process and your experience 😊
I just tried therapy for four months. My therapist tried to gaslight me into thinking my anemia was all in my head. (it's literally on my MyChart. My doctor told me I have the worst case he's ever seen.) I told her I could barely do anything or go anywhere 'cause it was so bad and it's been hard for me, and her response was, "That's not normal behavior." Like... wow you don't say. Then she tried to tell me I "might be making excuses to avoid going out". ???? just WOW. It is REALLY hard to find a good therapist.
For #1, I think the obsession with ingesting all this awareness and knowledge is like with disordered eating: the more you've been restricted or have not had access to something, the more you crave and indulge in it once you do have access. We need to work to find balance and access all areas, not just the initial awareness and validation aspect.
Can you please make a video about feeling invisible, I’ve researched a lot and haven’t found something truly accurate and helpful. - just to clarify, I’m talking about feeling like you are nobody and nothing, you struggle to feel real and struggle to have a real association with your life & you’re body (simply untouchable). - I hope I’m not confusing you, I just never felt real, like an actual physical human, and this led me to often feel that I’m dressing a doll when looking in the mirror, which means you absolutely hate yourself on one day and the next you’re in love with the person you see. - This not just about feeling insecure, it’s more annoying in relationships with people, and identity. I could go on, but I’m pretty sure it possibly have something to do with childhood. - So I thought it’d be good to ask you since you’re an expert and I truly find your videos helpful in my life.
Oh my god! Yes! Listen to her. This thing and loneliness of feeling unknown by others and no 'real' self. I've advanced at least I think it's growth, to understanding and dealing with 'me' and having a 'self' to the point where I have bitterness and anger at times. I hope it is a part of growth but it is quite uncomfortable and not something that I truly felt until the last ten years. I feel a need to work on my communication effectiveness and accuracy in recognizing and naming my feelings in order to not have the reactions that might spiral me down. I'm also just now seeking outside help in this problem solving and just found these videos within the last 6 weeks as the TH-cam algorithm served it up somehow (thanks, metadata).. The vids are hard to take all at once so I do 10--20 minutes at a time or your shorts. I hope that I am not confusing your team while I try to describe my additional sense of it all to what @HalaHanz has so spot on communicated. This will help so much not only me but my loving supportive family and friends that hang in there through whatever my confused shit is from time to time.
When you heal, it actually hurts more. Especially at first when you realise all the things you ignored or suppressed. You may also experience more hurt when you meet the same toxic people again because you've changed but they haven't. You're not teflon anymore like you used to be and just letting them abuse you as you did before. This may easily lead to more conflict too because again, they're still the same and it will be bewildering to them that they can't treat you the same as before. They will try to minimise, trivialize, ridicule, deny.....be ready for loads of that. Alternatively you can really also just stop the toxic relationship altogether. This has been my experience since coming to grips more with my mother's abuse. I don't feel like seeing her much anymore and it's been quite freeing. 👍
I’ve been aware for a long time - in a way awareness alone just increases anxiety about the future crises you know are coming when your inner child gets triggered.
I rarely comment, but I really want to thank you for these videos and the effort you put into educating us. I've been watching a lot of childhood trauma videos recently (including many of yours) and finally connecting dots, so the first pitfall was something I really needed to hear. Waiting until you're in the right spot to start working on healing really resonated as well. I'm 23 and just lost my dad to alcohol abuse, which has brought me intense grief, and yet it's like I can finally breathe. I know I'm still very young so this may sound silly: but it feels like my new life is starting. It gives me genuine excitement for the future which I haven't felt in years, I'm eager to learn who I am! I have a long road ahead, but thank you so much for helping get me started.
Your life IS starting again. My dad died when I was 38. I was so relieved. My mum died when I was 48 and being an orphan is comfortable. The thing is they can't trigger me anymore so I get triggered by all sorts of other people and sometimes I have difficulty figuring out that it's a 'reflected' trigger. I'm in a phase of realizing that triggers are good because they show me where I need to grow. Triggers are not pleasant, they're necessary. We each have our own path which is unique to each individual. My life is mine to live as best I can. Hang in there, apidae4160, life gets better!
I relate heavily with pitfall #5. Whenever I would speak with counselor or therapist about what's going on in my life, I would feel good momentarily until I had to go back home to my family. It feels like I have to start over again because I get re-traumatize by my toxic family.
I had maybe 10 therapists in 30 years, and not one identified that trauma was the reason for my depression and self loathing. I have an appointment with a new one, we’ll see if she can help me.
It took me 8 years to climb out of the pit of not becoming completely consumed when triggered. different therapeutic approaches (CBT, DBT, IFS, EMDR), Harbinger DBT skill workbooks, philosophy (stoicism, nihilism, Buddhism, Taoism) HealthyGamer, DoctorRamani, and countless books later. If I had the correct information at the beginning (I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2 the first 4 years and was being treated for the wrong diagnosis with wrong medications that had devastating side effects) and perhaps it wouldn’t have taken me so long. Regardless, having the correct information is like playing the prologue of a video game. The healing is the actual meat and potatoes of the single player storyline where you have to accumulate resources and fight mini enemies to prepare for the boss battles (pitfalls/setbacks/external life events) the game doesn’t get easier but you get stronger to take on tougher battles, where the battles at the beginning that felt so difficult when you were starting are underwhelming instead of overwhelming.
I did 4.5 years of hard work. Growing up with alcoholic father and co-dependent mother with undiagnosed mental illness. My therapist was excellent. She felt like I needed a minimum of 6-8 years.😳 In retrospect, I agree but I couldn’t afford it anymore. I’m grateful for what I got and learned and I continue to read and share with close friends.
#4 oof. Felt that one! I moved into an apartment complex last year. It's beautiful. However, after meeting and getting to know a lot of the other tenants, they seem to have a lot of unhealed trauma. At first I desperately wanted to, yep, preach and get them to " get it" so they could start their own healing. Yes, I want to find my chosen family so much, but these things take time. I've had to set really hard boundaries with a lot of the tenants here because they are acting out their traumas and just aren't good and emotionally safe people to be around. I am by no means judging them, I just know that I can't have a meaningful relationship with them. It's been so isolating because of the boundaries setting has made me extremely unpopular in the complex. After a lot of stops and starts, I'm trying out an online group. You're right, I can't get discouraged, but that urge is strong. I wish everyone all the best on their healing journey.
Went to therapy for the first time this monday due to s**cide. I feel worse now. Not because they were bad. Absolutely not. The three doctors were pure angels. But I felt and still feel incredible bad about myself. I feel like a needy girl playing the victim, pretending to be sad and lying all around to make people feel bad for me. I hate so much how I said the word "I" during that hour and how much I suggested that the issue was my mom. I'll go again next Monday just because I promised then I would, because I feel like I'm waisting their time and public money.
Go baby, please go. You have to live with YOU. I do not know you. I am thankful you made it. You deserve a good life. I hope you find a therapist that can help you navigate the gross experience of being a human. Stranger to stranger..... please stay. ❤️
I have had to go no contact because I just cannot even do minor interactions without being exposed to the toxicity! It’s exhausting enough working through stuff, but any new interaction is riddled with abuse that then needs two or three sessions 😂 like jumping in the fire
@@annie_charcheologist I'm the same. And bc of this, they are all asking questions and wondering what is wrong with me! I have a new sister in law who came from a functional home and she doesn't like to leave anyone out of any plans or communication. 🙄 I had to explain it to her the brutal way.
@@janeg7475 haha yeah I get that - of course there’s something wrong with me…because it can’t be them. I’m glad you were able to explain to SIL and hopefully you can create the distance, whatever that looks like, that works for you.
I can't handle it from anyone anymore. I see it right away and just can't be bothered to be around people like that. I've cut out quite a few people. On the flip side I have starting making a new social circle and started a sports activity to meet new people
That was such a relief too hear. My mom triggered me so badly I was shaking and crying for days afterward. I was frustrated that I couldn't just take it and bounce back like I used to. I was sure something was seriously wrong with me. It's like finally getting out of the boiling frog pot, cooling down, and suddenly being thrown back in. I'm using lots of water metaphors today.
This was so affirming. Thank you, Patrick. I was getting really down on myself for feeling like I couldn't handle working full time, getting my undergraduate degree, and unpacking my insane childhood trauma with a therapist at the same time.
Very affirming indeed....I was definitely feeling like something is wrong with me. I was starting to compare myself to people who are married with kids, working full time. I'm single, no kids and many times I find this work exhausting
@@anita10674 I totally feel you! I’m also single with no kids and therapy is the same way for me. I finally found a therapist who wants to do deep trauma work with me and, after a session last night of tapping into things I’ve never even verbalized, I had to halve my night time routine once I got home because there was no way I was energetically getting through it. I’m so with you!
My experience seems to be that therapists think you are all good because you can articulate about your childhood trauma. It's like the help stops at step 1. Once upon a time I thought I was all good too, but I was really only naming the problem and just burying everything else because I thought I was cured because therapist agrees I'm not doing badly in the present. So wrong. Then another 15 years goes by......
Therapy can be good. It can also switch us from one kind of coping mechanism to another, if done badly. It can be severely negating to deal with people who are poorly trained and supposed to be professionals in the mental health field. I’ve found so much more healing picking and choosing therapeutic self-help/educational videos from the internet than I’ve found with my last several attempts at one-on-one therapy. In this situation, I can find pieces of information that are useful for me and turn off a person if they’re going down a road that doesn’t feel right for my situation. The therapist I had in college had only surface level suggestions to offer, ignored the fact that I was driving myself too hard academically as a coping mechanism for my inability to connect with others, and was nothing more than another person to sit there and ruminate with for an hour weekly. When you know your therapist knows less of what you need than you know, therapy can be a pointless (and expensive) exercise in avoiding taking action to take care of yourself.
I want to encourage anyone reading this to keep looking for a good-enough therapist until you find one! I have been in therapy for five years and I am doing so much better. But before finding him I had some really unhelpful encounters with other providers. It was hard to persist -- there was self-talk going on about how I'd never find someone who was competent to help me. But I did. Please don't let setbacks stop you from seeking help. Good enough therapists exist and change is possible.
I was about to drive 2 hours to visit family. I got hit with intense depression and suicidal thoughts. I couldn't do it. I told them I was going to visit but im so scared. It's even worse when I'm wanting to be single but living with my boyfriend, feeling scared to break up. That'd mean I have to move back.
I think that first one is also partially caused by the fact that a lot of our therapists seem to treat awareness like it is the cure. We come in, we tell them our whole life story 20 times, they make a diagnosis, and then they sit there all smug like “Well there you have it.” And then they refuse to give you any next steps of where to go. I’ve even had therapists tell me that it was unethical for them to give me advice on what I should do next.
That definitely would be unethical. My understanding of counselling is that it is not about telling you what you should or shouldn’t do but rather to guide you to your own self awareness and understanding that will help you decide for yourself and flourish on your own.
I was feeling ashamed of not wanting to be around toxic, abusive family members when my siblings visit them far more. I thank you for the revelation that I truly am healing.
I really appreciated this! Would you be interested in doing a video about therapists who feel like, "well seems like you are all good now!" cause you have a healthy relationship etc, but you just feel so off on the inside?
Yes would love a video on this ! 🙏🏼This has happened to me two times after finishing a bout of therapy as well - The therapist starts to wrap things up, asks if there is anything else to work on and I say No because I’m not sure how to word it, but I have a nagging, sinking feeling that there is something more/deeper still unresolved ❤️🩹 And then I walk out (might be a type of pitfall, to not voice the feeling and just walk out 😶)
On the rare occasions i found a therapist who wasn't awful, they also didn't help. none of them caught my people pleasing that made it seem i was really okay
I would love this too! I feel like almost every psychologist I've even seen has basically thought I was fine (or at least thought I was fine after about 4 sessions of working on surface level problems), and I've often questioned whether I'm doing something wrong in the way I present (or imagining my issues, even though logically I don't think so). I spent a lot of time in childhood just suffering in silence and grinning and bearing it through some deeply hurtful events, so maybe it doesn't come through clearly enough that I am upset when I talk about issues? I remember telling one psychologist years ago (after she'd said I seemed fine) that I felt really drawn to this guy who was treating me awfully, and even though I logically knew he was bad for me I couldn't help but keep interacting with him and thinking about him and it was kind of taking over my life. She just said "well you just have to stop doing that", and assumed I was fine because the rest of my life seemed to be going OK. Several years later after many more failed short relationships I remember crying in another therapist's office because I was still struggling so much with romantic relationships, and she just said "well I can't find you a man" and told me to focus on my career. Some years after that I discovered a very helpful TH-cam channel that explained the family dynamics growing up that could be behind a lot of this, and talked about attachment styles and attachment injuries and it was a total game changer for me. With that education I was able to do some work on my own, journaling and grieving for the relationship I wish I'd been able to have with my father and the healthy marriage I wished my parents had had, I took 2 years off dating and focused on myself, and made friends with a bunch of couples who were in healthy respectful relationships who I was able to be positively influenced by. But I wish one of those earlier therapists could have got me on that path, it would have saved so much time and heartache...
Oh yes! This. It was so confusing to me when I went back to my first therapist and heard, "Do you have any idea how lucky you are? You should be grateful.". All because I had a stable relationship and a child.
About the therapist that let up to the patient to have epiphanies: my therapist often looks like it has an idea or figure out something, but she goes "think! Think!". I hate it. I don't think about the right answer, I just start to think in the answer she wants to hear.
I have the equivalent of several phd’s 😂 with all my studies around trauma. You’re absolutely right I’m often frustrated with the endless information these days….simply because, while I’ve healed tremendously, in the end all the information in the world doesn’t seem to actually fix me. And yes, we are fiercely independent. The old adage still rings true ‘I have to figure it out, I have to save myself, there’s no one you can count on to do it for you’ Cptsd wasn’t coined in our generation by accident. It was coined for us! Truly enjoy your videos. TY
This was immensely helpful and good timing. I've been in therapy for around 30 years. (Many different therapists) I recently told my psychologist that I am so tired of being in therapy and when will I be done...? She encouraged me to keep going. I think all of us with deep childhood trauma keep thinking that there should be an 'end' in sight when in reality it's a lifelong growing process where we will not necessarily undo the past but learn from it and hopefully grow. 51 and still growing! Lol. Thanks Patrick🙏☺️
I lost my insurance with my job when I had a nervous breakdown. So, therapy isn't an option. Doing the best I can, but could definitely use someone to talk to.
After nearly 2,5 years in therapy my therapist wants us to quit this summer. I am heart broken. I just started to feel safe. I really love to attach to him, he sees me and he is really smart. Now I feel so re-traumatized. I am highly aware of the trauma I have been through, but that doesnt mean I am healed. It feels like he is waiting for me to ”get it”, just as you say, and now he is giving up on me. I feel so abandoned and empty and my depression is worse than ever. I regret doing therapy and feel like the most hopeless patient in the world.
I don’t know your situation but when I read “I really love to attach to him” it sounds like a red flag. There has to be some space and I think a good professional counsellor would keep that boundary. Perhaps your counsellor thinks you need some time to put into practice the tools they have given you 🤔
@@lizwilliamson8332 Well, I think he at least could have been honest. I have no tools to cope with the depression and I honestly dont see any reason to keep going.
I’ve been retraumatisee by therapists and by Rebecca Mandeville in real life (personal experience of her attacking and bullying me in a Facebook group when I was supporting her but she misread my comment and darvod me instead and I was scapegoated from a facebook scapegoat group. It wrecked me as they say never meet your idol. Rebecca is an industry pioneer on family scapegoat abuse and it feels so painful to be scapegoated again and it hurt more than my original family treating me that way. I was promised an apology by the fb group owner but gas lighted instead. Still recovering from her treatment now. No one wants to believe me.
This is all so great! I'm a therapist myself and have really struggled with finding many (luckily I've had a couple) therapists who were really willing to sit with me and help me "do the work." It's actually part of what ended sessions with me and my last therapist. I had asked her to notice when I was having a trauma response and invite me to sit with it or to regulate. But repeatedly she wouldn't or couldn't meet that request. She was happy to meet me at intellectualization and to hear the very slow progress that I was making on my own but in session it felt like the intensity that comes from trauma was prohibited, and I felt so discouraged. She was even resistant, though politely so, to my request to change her initial question each session to something that would be more helpful to me. I know some therapists in the area and technique that would be more helpful but presently it's cost prohibitive to me with a family. 😋 It's definitely a challenge!
This is a genuine question because I’m confused. How can you be a therapist yourself if you’re still dealing with your own trauma. Surely you have to be healed yourself before you attempt to help anyone else?
@@lizwilliamson8332 Maybe I can put it in a different perspective. Let's say someone went on a hiking trip and fell and tore their ACL. Now, let's say they went to physical therapy, and later became a physical therapist themselves. But, from time to time their knee flared up, causing pain and restricted movement or even returns to their own physical therapist. Would you ask "how can you be a physical therapist if you're still dealing with your own damaged ACL? Surely you have to be pain free before you can treat anyone else." The brain and the body aren't separate. Trauma is essentially an injury to the brain and nervous system. Someone can have experienced a lot of healing from an injury but still experience flare ups or even some degree of ongoing impairment from that injury, but that doesn't mean they can't help other people heal. Also, there's no such thing as being completely healed after any significant injury, there will always be some evidence of it left on a body or mind. That's not a failure. It's the reality of living life. Health isn't about returning to a perfect pre-injured state; it's about healing as much as you can, doing maintenance, and adapting. I don't know if that's the answer you wanted, but I hope it helps.
Another one I would like to add is trauma-goggles. Ive begun to look at people and their actions through the lens of "what kind of trauma makes them act like this" or "they're probably this way because x happened". I think its some kind of defense mechanism to make excuses for my own behaviour, or at least an extension of sorting out my damage from my personality. Does anybody else do this
Thank you Patrick, as a newbie,this enlightenment was so much needed. Biggest challenge now is Finding a therapist. Can't take them all out for a test drive.
It’s okay to take it slow and breathe every now and then. I remember when I first started on my recovery journey I thought that I needed to go from 1-50 in every aspect of my life, including healing. I really was playing the tyrant to myself, internalising the belief system of my tyrannical mother that if I don’t get things right for her first time then I’m a failure. But thank god I’ve learned that now and am able to take practical steps towards healing. Developing new neural pathways and allowing old ones to die off takes time and effort, but also patience. Really insightful stuff as always Patrick, thank you. 🧠☮️❤️
Im in canada and discovered a not for profit trauma centre. I discovered it was cptsd at 62 now 8 years in and my therapy sessions cost me sliding scale 20.00 per session. I am fortunate.
For me, healing came 30 years after awareness. There was nothing more to work out but I was still constantly triggered. I couldnt relate to the give your inner child a hug thing, but I could work with how the brain stores and recalls information.
I've been working on my trauma since my awareness broke almost 2 years ago and I have the book homecoming sitting on my nightstand and every time I look at it I get anxiety and that pit in my stomach opens up. Awareness is a path to the trauma and this just tells me I still have so much work to do unsurprisingly because for so long I was traumatized, this just takes time and I've learned to be patient with myself which is probably one of the best and key changes that I've been able to make. Thank you so much Patrick for all of your help it means so much to all of us who can't afford the price of good mental health support and healing and have to cobble together some kind of path on our own.
Yeah "Homecoming" hits hard. I have to read it in small doses and slowly work on things. Looking at old family pictures is triggering and helpful. I found my favorite pics of cute little me at many ages. When I look at her it's easier to love me.
This is so true about the funds, and, for me, especially....the time to seek and tryout a new therapist....etc.etc. I'm 76, and I don't "tap dance" as fast as a more youthfully person..... I appreciate your comment.
I tell myself all I need is awareness because I can’t get healing right now but that doesn’t mean I believe it unfortunately. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know like before
I ran into 5. It was so validating to hear you talk about this. I'd quit a toxic job and thought that would be enough stability to start trauma therapy... but I didn't know what I was going to do next for my career after feeling betrayed by it. And on top of that, multiple serious health stressors (mine and others') arose after quitting but during the period I'd started doing trauma therapy. Ultimately I hit on something in therapy that I processed but destabilized me and caused a severe flare of poor mental health symptoms. Thank you for spreading the word, so much.
Would be very interesting if you could talk to Daniel Mackler. He has a video titled "Why Can't You Grieve?" where he goes into the main barriers that stop someone from being able to process childhood trauma. One of the key ones is someones life not being able to handle their trauma coming to the surface due to lack of stability or saftey. If the unconscious senses this would lead to a worsening of their situation overall, it wont allow things to be processed regardless of how much work you do or therapy you take. And since the unconscious decides wether to become traumatized or not, naturally its then up to the unconscious to decide when to become untraumatized.
"Childhood trauma is relational abuse that requires relational healing" hit me like a truck! You're right, I definitely felt defensiveness at many points during this video, but I needed to hear these things. Thank you for the great work you do, Patrick!
It’s so frustrating to think you’re doing great and then something happens at work and you react and realize you have more work to do on your childhood trauma. It really does hold you back.
I had the same experience after trying to find a therapist where it felt like the effort landed in a pitfall. Seeing other people post about it kinda helps me feel a little better about it. So everyone else who shared about their disappointment trying to access therapy... thanks for your transparency.
I really want to have one now and I just lost my coverage and it makes me feel better to read others too having a similar difficulty even though I don't wish my situation on anyone else.
Whew I was on a cringy recruitment crusade for about a solid year during the pandemic no less because all I did was binge on trauma info🤪😬😹😅 Thank the gods most of my people knew my intentions were good & I stopped that ish a while back🙉🙈🙊😹
I experienced something interesting last year. I stoped going to therapy once i (thought) started feeling better. But i was also in a lot of stress, caught up in a family drama i couldn't really avoid. Then i went away for 3 months (other continent lol), and when i came back, everything hit me right in the face. But i was somehow able to get through it (therapy and eft) and even came to the point 4, where i've seen the light :D What i am trying to say is that my body allowed me to process stuff when i was ready, i do see now how i shut off at that time since it was just too much of everything going on... Since i am on this journey of healing i am seeing more and more that my body and mind knows, when is the time, i find this incredible. So even if you are in therapy and you feel like you are making no progress, i do believe it often times shows later, when the time is right. Of course if the therapist you work with is good and you trust her/him.
Yes, I bomb out. Partly money, partly don’t want more grief and exhaustion. Maybe one day! I also struggle a lot with people trying to sell me “their” perfect method of healing. That just tells me that they are NOT done healing!
I'm all alone (no relationships, since they never work for me) and I've felt all of these things. I've been seeing two psychotherapists and, while it's nice to intellectually work all this out and have someone listen to me, no healing ever comes about. I cannot fool myself into ignoring what happened or downplaying it, since I keep living it. The hell never ends.
I’m so very sorry & this was my experience until I got into somatic healing therapy. It’s now well known that trauma lives in the body. It becomes a nervous system issue hijacking our HPA axis & why so many of us have such big emotional reactions to things. Have you ever read “The Body Keeps The Score”? It’s a seminal work on trauma, PTSD, CPTSD & somatic work. That kind of work was a lynchpin to my healing success & my traumas are on every level since the beginning of my life & I still have a very dysfunctional family so I HAD to find this healing to even exist any longer. I had suicidal depression & an anxiety disorder most of my life & now I no longer need medication & if I have anxiety moments I have full confidence I can bring myself back to center. I believe if I can come to this place I’d healing, then anyone can because if someone had told me it was possible 10yrs ago I definitely wouldn’t have believed them. Stay strong & you are enough 💪💫🙏❤️🩹
This is me, sort of. I say sort of, because I had two life changer. The second therapist planted seeds of self acceptance and self respect. That led eventually to divorce, because I couldn't respect myself And live with a husband who didn't. The second life changer for me was a book. I see it's translated to english. "Choosing Joy" by Kai Pollak. It helped me through the bitterness after my divorce. It slowly and gently guided me to crawl from the backseat in my own life to get behind the steeringwheel. I can't change my past, but it helped me to change my way of looking at things. My way of thinking. For example, I finally stopped punishing myself, if I did something wrong. I still have a long way to go, but I'm not in hell anymore. I still can't live a life I choose, I have too much bagage to deal with. I'd need more therapy, but I definitely can't afford it. ❤️ Love from Sweden Ps. I write about this book, but it may not help you at all, like Patrick just said. My point is it Might be worthwhile to give it a go? Just in case? It's not like any other book in the genre I've read. Paperback is cheap. (only saw it in Italian and Dutch on Amazon though)
I stopped at #1… I heard a thing saying “reading a million books about airplanes does not make you a pilot” and that explained how knowing wasn’t being, but it’s still hard to trust that the process of change and healing is happening.
Thank you for mentioning that.... I'm SO in the right place. Did the cut off 13 yrs ago. Finally have a home after traveling for 20 years. Quiet, nothing to do, rural Oklahoma. Focus. Peace. Listen. Learn. Thank you!!
The first one got me. I can't tell you how many hours, how many books, websites, forums, etc. I've spent just trying to make sense of it all. It was like a dopamine release every time I figured something out. This ultimately led to me cutting off my mom, which is excellent, but now I am left with the mess, and no amount of research will heal me. At this point, I can no longer hide from my feelings or push them away. I have no choice but to face them now. Thank you for another insightful video.
"I see the light!" and evangelizing also has entanglements with codependence for me, and a desire and need to change the other, to bring them to my level of "enlightenment", whatever that means, even if I'm wrong, or they're not ready.
Oof. Awareness \= healing is a big one for me right now. I allowed myself to show some of my anger/rage toward my abusive family in therapy a couple of months ago and have since felt too embarrassed to schedule another session 😬 Would you be willing to make a video explaining why it is important and even therapeutic to experience our rage and grief “out loud” so to speak, in therapy? The shame I feel after showing those emotions to other people, including therapists, is so intense that find myself avoiding therapy altogether until I find myself in a state of perceived crisis.
Thanks. Makes me feel better. I was thinking I would just be stuck never getting anywhere because I've had such a hard time moving through therapy. This was quite helpful to know that I'm not yet in the right time and space...but that I am closer to it than I thought. Actually quite encouraging.😊
Omg! This was me when I got a new job and tried to celebrate peoples birthdays. Everyone hated it because no one liked each other. I was trying to force intimacy and togetherness and a family environment since my biological family was toxic. Turns out I'm more isolated now than ever. I understand intimacy takes time and I need to be more discerning when spending time and money on others. Continuing to look for a therapist.
Any therapy I have tried always overlooks the fact that you can't expect people to come up with life skills or knowledge that they never had access to. Even if you work through your relationship to trauma You just end up with a blank space in trauma will fill it again because it's all you know
I finally sought therapy for c-ptsd about 6 years ago because my toxic combative partner at the time said if i didn't he would leave- ( he ended up leaving a year later anyway for someone else)~ My therapist at the time mentioned i was in a toxic relationship with my mom but did not once mention having a combative boyfriend would obstruct therapy. It was very difficult processing the past with an antagonistic partner at home and I wish that the therapist would have mentioned i was in a toxic relationship with him and to come back after we have broken up. Today I am in a healthy marriage with a sensitive supportive person~ Social media free for three years and not missing it. Im not one to overshare but i thought maybe this could help someone gain perspective if they are in a similar situation. hang in there and stay focused on what you love. And even if the entire wold abandons you~ don't abandon yourself.
Definitely need to find the right therapist. For me it's mostly questions and discussions with no real challenges or change. I grew up screamed at and manipulated by my mother. Lied about and dismissed. Everyday. And gaslight into thinking it was all me causing it and exaggerating the situation. Today it's mostly not understanding group conversations, possibly being targeted by other abusive coworkers and feeling stuck. Invisible. However one on one or amongst good friends I'm a pretty normal dude.
I actually think I'm healing because I was agreeing more than anything else. Five years ago, I had several people tell me that I was so self aware, but I couldn't figure out why, if I knew all this book stuff, I still felt that was and was deeply unhappy with my life. I became an alcoholic partly over that, and I'm so grateful I am now. I had to go to a twelve step program, because I couldn't afford therapy anymore, and that's where I got my healing. I don't bandaid my problems with people, places, or things anymore, and that's fine wonders for my mental health.
You’re so right about assuming all therapists are appropriately trained and qualified on all levels. Early on in my start in therapy, I was in a family therapy session where the therapist totally allowed my husband (now my ex) to control the session, leaving my son and I feeling abused and totally unheard. I subsequently made an appointment with that therapist and let him know how I felt about the uselessness of the session and how it negatively affected any hope we had for moving forward positively. I also suggested that he find another profession!
My therapist and i are learning together. I have severe trust issues and don’t really trust anyone. I trust her. So we have a unique way of getting through this. She’ll find resources and we’ll discuss them. Sometimes it’s hit or miss. Most times it’s a hit. This system works for me.
It was twelve years since I have seen my mother and when I drove across the country to see my mother she said "I wish I had beat you more" so casually and unaware of the impact her words would have. I knew then I would never put the effort in to see her again.
"Childhood trauma is the root issue to society." Took me 30 years of therapy to come to this conclusion.
I hope one day, society wouldve healed enough that majority can pick up the rest and heal the nation. May not be in my lifetime or in this species, but some hope somewhere
That’s why need communism
@@DaemonetteLeilu19it all starts with yourself! The fact that these conversations are so common place now means that society is healing ❤
I refuse to have kids and pass this generational trauma down.
“When you no longer let them manipulate you, be prepared to see a version of them you’ve never seen before.” All hell has broke loose here in Alabama! 😳
Amen
Saw that with my so called friends family members and co workers
This is exactly where I am at in my healing journey. It’s been 14 months since I’ve spoken to my mother and stepfather and the now that I can see the real version of them, it’s actually horrifying. I was so deep in their manipulation that I had no idea how bad it actually was. It’s an entirely different facet of the healing journey, and it’s a hard one.
"Childhood trauma is really relational abuse that requires relational healing." I started crying, because so many people, professionals included, cannot or will not accept this. Say it louder, Patrick! ❤️
What does relational healing mean though? Sorry I don't get it.
My therapist has been telling me a version of this for years, but never explained the why. Without the why, I didn’t understand him. Now, that I did my own work to learn about trauma, I see that he is correct. I would have never known without my own research simply because of a breakdown in communication.
@@haseebtubing It means that healing from childhood abuse has to include learning what a safe, appropriate, consistently accepting relationship is like. That learning can only be done through experience. It often occurs with a good therapist, mentor, teacher, or similar.
@@InnerLantern7 I hear you - that's tough. We end up doing a lot of our own research, don't we?
@@hannahh8696 I see. Would my positive experience with parenting my son in a gentle way count towards that?
Many of us were very willing to go to therapy - but it was so bad that it just added new trauma...
If you have state health care, ask your general physician if they have a social worker to help find therapy.
I literally found out this was a thing 4 days ago.
My comment could be seen as #3
" Discouragement confirmation" , right ?- But not necessarily because in the process of having tried all
sorts of not -good -therapy,
you might have grown up by yourself and some outlet ( for stuck emotions) perhaps found elsewhere in other forms of interaction ( p.ex. if you go to drama school, training as an actor, you do some therapy work this way by stepping into some drama- situations with your whole body and emotions...) And I absolutely believe in the healing power of Music
( Something happens on a soul level that is so intimate and deep - and very real - beyond theories and mind- stuff... ) So I guess, the main factor here is willingness to
" heal "/ change, and then life itself will provide something...which might be a good therapist or a wonderful friend / partner
or a place to live near a music college or .....
The last time I went we came to the conclusion that she is not the right person for the job and I should go somewhere else. Somewhere else is not really anymore more conclusive either. And most that would be free to use are absolutely overloaded anyways so that adds to the difficulty
Sometimes you reach a part of therapy that is very painful and you feel stuck and worse off than before...hold on, it gets better. Growing pains are not just a physical thing.
I’ve been in therapy for the majority of my life-24 years- and wouldn’t say any of it was helpful aside from the last few years. It took me that long to learn the skills I needed to actually participate in therapy.
The last therapist ask me after 2 visits if I had figured everything out because I seemed fine. Very discouraging and had me question if I really even needed therapy. I seem put together because of my awareness but that doesn't mean I'm healed and I am not still struggling with it regularly. I thought this awareness was all I needed but what you are saying makes total sense. Awareness does not mean healed.
I am more sorry than I can say that you experienced this. That was/is the wrong therapist. Period. And unethical as well. Don't give up, not all of them are horse's butts. How are you doing now? And how's your self care? Take tender loving care OF YOU! You matter. ❤❤🎉
Love this community man you are all so beautiful. ❤
Your last therapist was not a good fit.
@@tonigarguilo9510 My self-care could definitely be better. I think about things I can do to get in touch with my inner peace like meditation but with the demands of life and family, it's hard to even get a quiet moment to myself. Thanks so much for your kindness ❤️
@@Genovia816 Dearest, I'm not old for nothin'! As women, we're inherently trained that everyone's needs & wants come before us/our needs/lives. (I'm saying this even after I grew up during Women's Lib movement! How'd that work out for us!) That's a recipe for disaster bc when we crash after running on empty, the rest of family life comes to a grinding halt. Start little...10 minutes a day, maybe a real short walk, a longer soak in tub after kids are down for night, anything at all; couple paragraphs of a good book. Don't make me come up there. I don't want to have to ground you!! LOL. Love Wannabe Mom
I'm so glad you mentioned that healing makes you want to spend less time with your toxic family. I was over here like, "Shouldn't I be okay spending more time with them because it shouldn't bother me as much as it used to? Am I wrong for still being bothered and not wanting to be around them?" So, I feel less crazy now. lol
I had to estrange myself from my family as part of the process. They are toxic and triggering to me.
ive literally never questioned the estrangment from my family, yet ive still felt this increase in frustration around me "growing" past my family in healing. so wild how precient
Healing helps to recognize the need for boundaries.
The thing I struggle with is that my family is sometimes okay and sometimes is very much not. So I struggle to step back from them completely.
I know, I felt this too and wondered if I was “isolating” myself too much. Some family I’ve had to cut off completely because they are so toxic and don’t respect my boundaries. Thats just it, my boundaries and desire to fulfill my needs are the indicators of my healing process. Love and light to anyone feeling doubtful, or lonely due to lack of family support! This year has reminded me that the relationship I have with myself is the most important. We deserve to be loved. ❤
I too have trauma rooted in therapy. The confidentiality I needed wasn’t there until my therapist realized that my trauma was because of parental abuse. But once we started diving into the trauma, and I started to become aware of my toxic family dynamics, I, like you said, was much less okay with exposing myself to those behaviors. At the point that I started standing up for myself, I was pulled from therapy by my mother because she even to this day, refuses to acknowledge that she was abusive. She was convinced that I was the problem and anyone that disagreed and would protect me, I ended up being forcibly alienated from. You do good work Patrick. And have been an amazing ally in my self healing journey!
I'm 40 years old and still living with my abusive family. I know no one will ever read this. This has been so hard to endure for this long. The things these people have done have made it so that I became disabled under their care at a young age. They knew I would never be able to escape the abuse and live on my own when it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. I wish more kids udnerstood that there are some parents out there who will purposely disable their kids so that they can continue to torment them. I really don't know what the point of my life was. I was a kid that wanted peace. I just wanted to be heard but at this point I know no one is listening. Some parents should not be allowed to have kids. Every day I ask myself how could my parents do this to me? Why did they only have me to abuse me?
that sounds incredibly tough ❤ i’m sorry to hear that.
ps. there is no point to life, to any life, because life is kind of sacred in itself, which we can sometimes feel in nature, especially close to mountains or the ocean. we are nature too, we only exist. which sounds like a painful experience. society and people around us add so much BS to it, making it extra painful like making us think about “”the point””” of stuff. no, we just need to breathe and exist and try to take as much care of ourselves as we can ❤
💌
Man, you sound so much like me. It's hard dealing with parents like this, my mother and stepdad are this exact type but I fought to get where I'm at. Don't give up
I am so sorry.
Did they break your legs?? ❤ no? Get up and search inward. You can't control the warden you can control self.
Man I remember my first therapist when I was 12 told me that my problems didn't matter, and I should just think positively to make them go away.
I just want to go back and find her to give her a "world's worst therapist" award.
Point 2 is helpful to hear. I was very surprised at how belligerent I ended up being with my family during the holidays after about a year of EMDR and trauma therapy. My go-to coping mechanism all through childhood and young adulthood was fawning, trying to keep things copacetic, concealing my needs, etc. I thought healing would make me nicer to be around, would allow me to better conceal my personal problems from those who didn't want to see them. But! When I went to see my family, I was angry and argumentative, stemming from feelings of not being heard and (newly) thinking that I deserve to be listened to. The pain was still there; I was just expressing it so much more than I otherwise would have. It was a tough few days. But I did get to learn that the goal of healing is not to make you easier to deal with.
You just opened my eyes. I thought my new belligerence meant I was failing at therapy. I wish they (therapists) talked more about what “healing” in the end goal can look like
Good timing. The downfall to this is when you go to regular therapy and you know more than the therapist. Which makes it seem like I'm faking because the therapist isn't trained to go deeper. The only trauma therapist in my area help those with severe disabling PTSD symptoms-anxiety, illegal substances, things like that. A rehab center I think. I just need a regular skilled trauma therapist.
I’m in discovery mode. Since this has affected the 4 adult children of mine I feel an urgent desire to NOT be triggered anymore. Time and patience is daunting.
I’m in the UK. I am shocked by the number of poor & uniformed therapists, who do more harm than good. When I did my training, I was horrified that some of my fellow trainees exhibited Narcissistic attitudes and nothing was said by the tutors, several of whom were Narcissistic themselves. I ended up leaving that particular ‘well regarded’ course, early.
I have been to several different therapists who have absolutely no idea about CPTSD and almost wanted to learn from me, as their client. There are good therapists out there, but in my experience they are difficult to find. Thank you for this very useful video, I agree with your points.
Abusers, unchecked, flock to "feeding grounds".
Which is another reason why (we) gotta help people see that some people (including and especially doctors) are not for us.
To be able to say, this person is just a human as i am, and i don't like that type of human, so I'm going to work with this other human instead... It's darn important.
(Aaaaand i wsh i knew how to train people to keep going and keep asking new people)
(its hard tho, and as a disabled person fighting for my right to just live in a room and the utter line of folks i have to ask... I'm exhausted. It's still worth it, cuz I'm worth it. I deserve to live)
Crazies tend to be the ones who want to study crazies.
A good therapist has to be Intelligent (like IQ > 130) and an empath. Especially someone who has lived and recovered from what You are going thru. Someone from a happy home or a bad childhood who is still trying to figure it out wont do.
That is why This fellow is so good.
When I was in the UK, I was given to volunteers to have weekly sessions with. They had a little training but no where as much as is required for cptsd. And I'm in awe of their motivation but at the same time, I felt extremely guilty of unloading on them when I doubt they had the right training or even the right support themselves.
Exactly this. My mother is a clinical psychotherapist (PhD and all) and a narcissist, and I've been NC with her for years. I've heard horror stories from relatives wherein she berates clients who also want to go NC with their parents. 😬
I've run into this as well. That and therapists who just treat the surface. You come in with challenges and don't know how to explain them, and it's almost like they are saying "Well, you're good now. Go away."
Hi Patrick, Thank you for mentioning that the nasty comments/abuse will hurt more once healed. I was feeling confused by this. I've been keeping my distance with some toxic people in my life, but when I do see them, their jabs and manipulations seem to REALLY hurt, way more than before. To the point that I thought I'd taken a step backwards, but maybe it means I've healed a lot.
When we were more immersed in the same crap , we could' t feel it as much because we were part of it - on a cleaner shirt you see the dirt thrown at you much clearer...
Yep, there’s something about the dissociation paired with an acceptance that all of that is just normal or perhaps what we deserved that can be oddly protective in those moments despite being incredibly detrimental over all. Also, realizing the enormity of what those comments truly mean regarding an abusive person’s mindset and your now clear knowledge of its impact on your life so far can make it hurt worse…but it also does help motivate us to maintain healthy boundaries or altogether remove toxic influences.
I suppose at some point it may hurt less, but probably because you seperate yourself from the speaker. Not because what they say is any less unhinged.
I think I protected myself by pretending I didn't care, or I would switch off and not listen 'cause I knew they were trying to hurt me with their words. After therapy I had to listen and listen to myself and not make excuses and admit I do care. I opened myself up, which lets more in, thus more to deal with. I hate the way I feel now, I feel weak and defenseless, but Patrick says that's a sign I'm healing and that's reassuring for me, because it's normal to feel that way about nasty toxic people and we should stay away from them. I hope things improve for your situation in the future. You deserve better.
Same. And because of all the awareness and therapy I gaslit myself into thinking it meant I was the problem and that was black and white thinking and I just wasn't tolerant enough. Actually meaness hits different when you're valuing yourself and becoming accustomed to kindness and respect.
I went through a handful of therapists before finding someone who seems to understand how childhood trauma sets you up for trouble in life. I'm 68, just divorced after 35 years of a bad relationship. I told one therapist about how my husband had for years demeaned my age and appearance and abilities and creativity. He called me "ugly" and said he couldn't stand how I looked. This male therapist said that I needed to learn how to "forgive" my husband. Men aren't affected by criticism of their appearance, this guy said, and so they don't realize how painful such disparaging is to women. I told this therapist, who was Mormon, that he was full of it, and I eventually found a female therapist who described my relationship as verbally and emotionally abusive. It's slow, but I'm learning to appreciate myself and what I can do. For so long, I had ignored my own interests and needs in order to focus on my husband.
Of course men are affected by criticism, and they can be very vain about their appearance (esp hair loss) and physique! In my experience, men still think they own women and feel it is their responsibility to fix, correct and modify the behavior and appearance of their property.
those type of males…ugh. They only empathize with the males…No. You don’t have to forgive anyone! Not him either.
@@beastshawnee Agreed!
Good for you - not giving up. I went through 6 therapists before finding a good one.
Proud of you ❤
oh god yes. i’ve been treading the line on the recruitment. i’m trying not to be a pushy asshole, but gods learning about toxic family systems makes me want to get my sister on board. she is still 100% in the system, being used and abused by both our mom and her husband, and it fucking breaks my heart. i started out sharing info with her in hopes of getting sympathy, but the more i learned, it kind of switched to hoping she could benefit from it. at some point, i realized she is on her own journey and needs to be able to choose for herself, so i backed off a lot. it still hurts to know she’s still trapped, but there’s only so much i can do for her. i don’t even really have enough energy to take care of my own self.
Patrick's got one mode: Killin' it
❤❤😂😂🎉 so true!!!! So glad he's getting involved in training other therapists
Mistaking isolation from triggers with healing. Sort of a blending of these, this is one of my biggest pitfalls. For most of my 20s I was just sort of removing myself from possible triggering interactions, mentally and physically isolating myself from really connecting with anyone beyond a superficial level. To outsiders, I was very successful, bachelor's degree, living on my own, making good money, looking and acting the part of a healed person. Inside my depression and anxiety were running the show but I sort of just thought it can't be that bad if im doing well in everyone's eyes. I still got triggered sure but it was less often and I was skilled at masking in public. (Falling apart in private) And then I started a long term relationship... oh boy did I realize I had just been avoiding a lot of things for years instead of working on them.
I dont think awareness is healing, but having it built up through years might have saved my life as compared to no awareness
The discouragement confirmation, I really feel. I was what I'd call overly sheltered from failure by my parents due to me having some disabilities so that they infantilised me too much growing up, not giving me age-appropriate tasks to deal with, taking over too quickly when I wouldn't understand or do something right without teaching me how to do the thing instead or let me do it my way. It lead me to think of myself as incompetent and to quickly abort anything I could not do first try. It still impacts my discipline a lot.
Sorry to hear that and all the best in your journey through life❣️🎉🙌🏻❤️
That’s me too 😕 they did all that to me and then shame me when I mess up in some way or am learning how to do something now as an adult. Sorry to hear that’s your experience and I hope you are healing in some way ❤️🩹
@@emh1474relatable as hell... My mom got suddenly ill and I became her medical POA because I was close here geographically etc and she actually said something like "I don't like that your voice sounds like that you sound like an adult!" I was 43 at the time. And yet I definitely was kept in the dark with regards to any of the things that I think were age appropriate responsibilities and tasks and then mocked when I tried to figure out what to do on my own and I screwed it up when I was still in the household growing up. Not a lot of consistency in my childhood and I don't think I began to realize the impact on my life that has had until my middle age years although I was able to recognize the need to make sure I provided it for the child I helped to raise. Thank God.
Wow reading this was triggering. This is something I delt with all my life
Same
I've had 5therapists, all of them were like "you seem fine, why are you here?" all except one, and when we finally started getting some good work going he got a job he'd been wanting forever and I had to get a new therapist and he's greener than green. Like I feel more experienced in therapy than he does and it's so hard to get anything done. I sincerely don't trust that he knows how to approach deep trauma.
The right therapy/therapist is so crucial. A dear friend of mine finally decided to go to therapy after a life of C-PTSD and intense family trauma as well as maybe 15 yrs of traumatic drug addiction to self-medicate and suppress/dissociate. She had no previous therapy but was clean for over 10yrs. She went to someone who did not specialize in trauma. They did a bit of talking for a while about her life story, and she diagnosed her as BP2 before her EMDR sessions began. One session unearthed an incident of sexual abuse she had no prior knowledge of, and she did not have the skills to mitigate that earth-shattering discovery. She ended up in a year long, suicidal relapse and almost lost her family and career. Thankfully she regained her footing and sobriety, but needless to say, she discontinued therapy with her therapist and possibly with anyone.
Oh no! That's so hard and sad. How did the therapist not know to resource enough first before digging into anything that might bring up traumatic past?
@@orielwiggins2225 it happens. She did not take into account that several layers of therapy were needed before EMDR or any sort of deep unearthing of stuff. And you can't really undo that dort of thing once it's unearthed.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n exactly and anyone decently trained in emdr should be well aware of that. I'm so sorry. I do hope she's doing better and getting better help.
@@orielwiggins2225 I completely agree. Sigh..sadly, as with all professions- the license/degree/certification doesn't make someone good at their job. It just makes them good at going to school. 😐 Thank you so much. She is doing so much better now, all things considered.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n truth! I hear that!
I'm so glad to hear that. I hope she continues to get better. And find super supportive and qualified help and healing. I'm still hoping and looking for the same for myself.
This inspired me to start searching for a therapist to help me through my childhood trauma. Ironically, I am a PhD student in human development and family studies and I focus on internalizing disorders in childhood. But awareness is not healing. I'm so incredibly well-researched, but I am lacking agency and truly working through it. I cut off my family a few years ago, and it was the best decision for my healing, but I still have more to go! Thank you, Patrick. Thank you so much for helping people like us. ❤
u doing well, just by thinking bout this u are looking out for yourself, i hope u find the help that'll heal
I have worked in the mental health field as a counselor and I was working on my masters when I lost a couple of my family members and band mate in a short time and a host of other external events making a perfect storm in which I confronted the issues in my family of origin I was blinding myself to... I think they're on an excellent path I wish I had been able to help myself in the process sooner but I am just grateful I have been able to do any work on it at all... It was really so hard to be honest and I might be more resilient than I credit myself in being because I definitely had to reset my life. I may or may not return to that line of work in the future but I definitely look at everything that I learned in university with very VERY different eyes seeing this from the inside..... Good luck with your endeavors.❤
I'm going through some of these pitfalls and am going through a sudden awareness about my current situation as I find myself sitting in an abuse/dysfunctional relationship after being chased down by my boyfriend literally. Did he push me? Why would I let my boyfriend get away with pushing me down because I ran away from him.
“Awareness is not healing” That is such a powerful statement and where I get stuck myself. I understand in detail how my traumas have affected me, but that understanding alone doesn’t heal the wounds.
Oof. Your videos always hit hard. The second one is my biggest pitfall. I have a history of taking the hardest jobs to prove I can “handle anything”. And the last thing you said about realizing that you were actually a good kid made me tear up. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now, but still very much struggle with that concept, because I grew up hearing the opposite.
God I just want to hugg you.
The part about the healing fantasy of the inner child not being effected by abuse anymore was very interesting! I think I will go on a personal deep dive about this.
How do you search for that? Found that interesting to.
hey I know I’m late to the party but there’s a concept called the ideal parent figure protocol which can help reshape internal perceptions of how relationships work through imagining. This might be interesting for you 😊
You named me entirely. The projecting, super reactive self, people pleasing, inner child running my life making me Uber gun shy for close, family, intimate relationships. Never finished self help books. Currently realized the adhd thing has been a long time thing that’s put bumpers down guiding the path I took thru life. -- the more sensitive and yes spending time with people is much harder. My pitfall is I hate the emotional rollercoaster of the triggers and the dislike of disappointment and dealing with toxic people and just not want to go there. I circle the wagons and keep everyone out. You’re encouraging exactly everything I hate. 😳 but you knew that. 😢😊 thx sir. I’ll put it back on my options list.
You just described my state too
7. Doing the same things over and over again, yet expecting different results each time.
I initially went to a couple of therapists whose focus was not childhood trauma and I felt discouraged. My problems were not about “finding balance”. Then I waited on a 9-month waitlist for a therapist trained in Interpersonal Neurobiology. Totally worth the wait!
Sounds interesting! What is interpersonal neurobiology? Is it about how we regulate or disregulate each other in relationships? Would love it if you could describe the process and your experience 😊
For me, number three is big. It's so easy for me to just go, well that didn't work. Better not try again. I am currently working to break this loop.
I just tried therapy for four months. My therapist tried to gaslight me into thinking my anemia was all in my head. (it's literally on my MyChart. My doctor told me I have the worst case he's ever seen.) I told her I could barely do anything or go anywhere 'cause it was so bad and it's been hard for me, and her response was, "That's not normal behavior." Like... wow you don't say. Then she tried to tell me I "might be making excuses to avoid going out". ???? just WOW.
It is REALLY hard to find a good therapist.
For #1, I think the obsession with ingesting all this awareness and knowledge is like with disordered eating: the more you've been restricted or have not had access to something, the more you crave and indulge in it once you do have access. We need to work to find balance and access all areas, not just the initial awareness and validation aspect.
Can you please make a video about feeling invisible, I’ve researched a lot and haven’t found something truly accurate and helpful.
- just to clarify, I’m talking about feeling like you are nobody and nothing, you struggle to feel real and struggle to have a real association with your life & you’re body (simply untouchable).
- I hope I’m not confusing you, I just never felt real, like an actual physical human, and this led me to often feel that I’m dressing a doll when looking in the mirror, which means you absolutely hate yourself on one day and the next you’re in love with the person you see.
- This not just about feeling insecure, it’s more annoying in relationships with people, and identity. I could go on, but I’m pretty sure it possibly have something to do with childhood.
- So I thought it’d be good to ask you since you’re an expert and I truly find your videos helpful in my life.
Oh my god! Yes! Listen to her. This thing and loneliness of feeling unknown by others and no 'real' self. I've advanced at least I think it's growth, to understanding and dealing with 'me' and having a 'self' to the point where I have bitterness and anger at times. I hope it is a part of growth but it is quite uncomfortable and not something that I truly felt until the last ten years. I feel a need to work on my communication effectiveness and accuracy in recognizing and naming my feelings in order to not have the reactions that might spiral me down. I'm also just now seeking outside help in this problem solving and just found these videos within the last 6 weeks as the TH-cam algorithm served it up somehow (thanks, metadata).. The vids are hard to take all at once so I do 10--20 minutes at a time or your shorts. I hope that I am not confusing your team while I try to describe my additional sense of it all to what @HalaHanz has so spot on communicated. This will help so much not only me but my loving supportive family and friends that hang in there through whatever my confused shit is from time to time.
Yes, this!
I think the word is depersonalization or derealization.
I think she's addressing some good topics here.
thanks, it helps know that this exists for others, especially that it is common enough that it is defined.@@DawnDreams Just wow!
When you heal, it actually hurts more. Especially at first when you realise all the things you ignored or suppressed. You may also experience more hurt when you meet the same toxic people again because you've changed but they haven't. You're not teflon anymore like you used to be and just letting them abuse you as you did before.
This may easily lead to more conflict too because again, they're still the same and it will be bewildering to them that they can't treat you the same as before. They will try to minimise, trivialize, ridicule, deny.....be ready for loads of that.
Alternatively you can really also just stop the toxic relationship altogether. This has been my experience since coming to grips more with my mother's abuse. I don't feel like seeing her much anymore and it's been quite freeing. 👍
I’ve been aware for a long time - in a way awareness alone just increases anxiety about the future crises you know are coming when your inner child gets triggered.
I rarely comment, but I really want to thank you for these videos and the effort you put into educating us. I've been watching a lot of childhood trauma videos recently (including many of yours) and finally connecting dots, so the first pitfall was something I really needed to hear. Waiting until you're in the right spot to start working on healing really resonated as well. I'm 23 and just lost my dad to alcohol abuse, which has brought me intense grief, and yet it's like I can finally breathe. I know I'm still very young so this may sound silly: but it feels like my new life is starting. It gives me genuine excitement for the future which I haven't felt in years, I'm eager to learn who I am! I have a long road ahead, but thank you so much for helping get me started.
I felt lighter and relieved after my parents were gone as well.
Your life IS starting again. My dad died when I was 38. I was so relieved. My mum died when I was 48 and being an orphan is comfortable. The thing is they can't trigger me anymore so I get triggered by all sorts of other people and sometimes I have difficulty figuring out that it's a 'reflected' trigger. I'm in a phase of realizing that triggers are good because they show me where I need to grow. Triggers are not pleasant, they're necessary. We each have our own path which is unique to each individual. My life is mine to live as best I can. Hang in there, apidae4160, life gets better!
That was beautifully written. I wish you well on your healing journey.
Proud of your healing thru the loss.....blessings 🎉
I relate heavily with pitfall #5. Whenever I would speak with counselor or therapist about what's going on in my life, I would feel good momentarily until I had to go back home to my family. It feels like I have to start over again because I get re-traumatize by my toxic family.
I had maybe 10 therapists in 30 years, and not one identified that trauma was the reason for my depression and self loathing. I have an appointment with a new one, we’ll see if she can help me.
It took me 8 years to climb out of the pit of not becoming completely consumed when triggered. different therapeutic approaches (CBT, DBT, IFS, EMDR), Harbinger DBT skill workbooks, philosophy (stoicism, nihilism, Buddhism, Taoism) HealthyGamer, DoctorRamani, and countless books later. If I had the correct information at the beginning (I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2 the first 4 years and was being treated for the wrong diagnosis with wrong medications that had devastating side effects) and perhaps it wouldn’t have taken me so long. Regardless, having the correct information is like playing the prologue of a video game. The healing is the actual meat and potatoes of the single player storyline where you have to accumulate resources and fight mini enemies to prepare for the boss battles (pitfalls/setbacks/external life events) the game doesn’t get easier but you get stronger to take on tougher battles, where the battles at the beginning that felt so difficult when you were starting are underwhelming instead of overwhelming.
I did 4.5 years of hard work. Growing up with alcoholic father and co-dependent mother with undiagnosed mental illness. My therapist was excellent. She felt like I needed a minimum of 6-8 years.😳 In retrospect, I agree but I couldn’t afford it anymore. I’m grateful for what I got and learned and I continue to read and share with close friends.
#4 oof. Felt that one! I moved into an apartment complex last year. It's beautiful. However, after meeting and getting to know a lot of the other tenants, they seem to have a lot of unhealed trauma. At first I desperately wanted to, yep, preach and get them to " get it" so they could start their own healing. Yes, I want to find my chosen family so much, but these things take time. I've had to set really hard boundaries with a lot of the tenants here because they are acting out their traumas and just aren't good and emotionally safe people to be around. I am by no means judging them, I just know that I can't have a meaningful relationship with them. It's been so isolating because of the boundaries setting has made me extremely unpopular in the complex. After a lot of stops and starts, I'm trying out an online group. You're right, I can't get discouraged, but that urge is strong. I wish everyone all the best on their healing journey.
Went to therapy for the first time this monday due to s**cide. I feel worse now. Not because they were bad. Absolutely not. The three doctors were pure angels. But I felt and still feel incredible bad about myself. I feel like a needy girl playing the victim, pretending to be sad and lying all around to make people feel bad for me. I hate so much how I said the word "I" during that hour and how much I suggested that the issue was my mom. I'll go again next Monday just because I promised then I would, because I feel like I'm waisting their time and public money.
Go baby, please go. You have to live with YOU. I do not know you. I am thankful you made it. You deserve a good life. I hope you find a therapist that can help you navigate the gross experience of being a human.
Stranger to stranger..... please stay. ❤️
Don't give up! You are worth it❤
Keep going, if you’ve hit a point where you genuinely don’t want to go on, you’re not being needy or attention seeking.
@@30pumpkinsbro45don't call people baby. That's condescending and infantalizing as hell.
@@jenniferfox8382 ummmmm...... could you just not? I care. You're a jerk. 🤷♀️
Wow. That's a revelation!!! Not being able to handle the toxicity after therapy. Yes. True.
I have had to go no contact because I just cannot even do minor interactions without being exposed to the toxicity! It’s exhausting enough working through stuff, but any new interaction is riddled with abuse that then needs two or three sessions 😂 like jumping in the fire
@@annie_charcheologist I'm the same. And bc of this, they are all asking questions and wondering what is wrong with me! I have a new sister in law who came from a functional home and she doesn't like to leave anyone out of any plans or communication. 🙄 I had to explain it to her the brutal way.
@@janeg7475 haha yeah I get that - of course there’s something wrong with me…because it can’t be them. I’m glad you were able to explain to SIL and hopefully you can create the distance, whatever that looks like, that works for you.
I can't handle it from anyone anymore. I see it right away and just can't be bothered to be around people like that. I've cut out quite a few people. On the flip side I have starting making a new social circle and started a sports activity to meet new people
That was such a relief too hear. My mom triggered me so badly I was shaking and crying for days afterward. I was frustrated that I couldn't just take it and bounce back like I used to. I was sure something was seriously wrong with me. It's like finally getting out of the boiling frog pot, cooling down, and suddenly being thrown back in.
I'm using lots of water metaphors today.
Boy, this may be one of your best vids yet, Patrick. Talking about that old magical thinking was impactful.
This was so affirming. Thank you, Patrick. I was getting really down on myself for feeling like I couldn't handle working full time, getting my undergraduate degree, and unpacking my insane childhood trauma with a therapist at the same time.
Yeah, that sounds like at least 2.5 full-time jobs.
Very affirming indeed....I was definitely feeling like something is wrong with me. I was starting to compare myself to people who are married with kids, working full time. I'm single, no kids and many times I find this work exhausting
@@jadelinny thank you!!
@@anita10674 I totally feel you! I’m also single with no kids and therapy is the same way for me. I finally found a therapist who wants to do deep trauma work with me and, after a session last night of tapping into things I’ve never even verbalized, I had to halve my night time routine once I got home because there was no way I was energetically getting through it. I’m so with you!
My experience seems to be that therapists think you are all good because you can articulate about your childhood trauma.
It's like the help stops at step 1.
Once upon a time I thought I was all good too, but I was really only naming the problem and just burying everything else because I thought I was cured because therapist agrees I'm not doing badly in the present. So wrong. Then another 15 years goes by......
I really love your representation giving a little comic relief to the situation. It gravitated me to watch.
Therapy can be good. It can also switch us from one kind of coping mechanism to another, if done badly. It can be severely negating to deal with people who are poorly trained and supposed to be professionals in the mental health field. I’ve found so much more healing picking and choosing therapeutic self-help/educational videos from the internet than I’ve found with my last several attempts at one-on-one therapy. In this situation, I can find pieces of information that are useful for me and turn off a person if they’re going down a road that doesn’t feel right for my situation. The therapist I had in college had only surface level suggestions to offer, ignored the fact that I was driving myself too hard academically as a coping mechanism for my inability to connect with others, and was nothing more than another person to sit there and ruminate with for an hour weekly. When you know your therapist knows less of what you need than you know, therapy can be a pointless (and expensive) exercise in avoiding taking action to take care of yourself.
As someone who has a love of old games and their trivia. As well as decades of trauma. I applaud your use of Pitfall and the humor.
😁😌
I want to encourage anyone reading this to keep looking for a good-enough therapist until you find one! I have been in therapy for five years and I am doing so much better. But before finding him I had some really unhelpful encounters with other providers. It was hard to persist -- there was self-talk going on about how I'd never find someone who was competent to help me. But I did. Please don't let setbacks stop you from seeking help. Good enough therapists exist and change is possible.
I was about to drive 2 hours to visit family. I got hit with intense depression and suicidal thoughts. I couldn't do it. I told them I was going to visit but im so scared.
It's even worse when I'm wanting to be single but living with my boyfriend, feeling scared to break up. That'd mean I have to move back.
I think that first one is also partially caused by the fact that a lot of our therapists seem to treat awareness like it is the cure. We come in, we tell them our whole life story 20 times, they make a diagnosis, and then they sit there all smug like “Well there you have it.” And then they refuse to give you any next steps of where to go. I’ve even had therapists tell me that it was unethical for them to give me advice on what I should do next.
That definitely would be unethical. My understanding of counselling is that it is not about telling you what you should or shouldn’t do but rather to guide you to your own self awareness and understanding that will help you decide for yourself and flourish on your own.
I was feeling ashamed of not wanting to be around toxic, abusive family members when my siblings visit them far more. I thank you for the revelation that I truly am healing.
I think crying is the most healing but many abused people feel embarssed to have those feelings.
I really appreciated this! Would you be interested in doing a video about therapists who feel like, "well seems like you are all good now!" cause you have a healthy relationship etc, but you just feel so off on the inside?
Yes would love a video on this ! 🙏🏼This has happened to me two times after finishing a bout of therapy as well - The therapist starts to wrap things up, asks if there is anything else to work on and I say No because I’m not sure how to word it, but I have a nagging, sinking feeling that there is something more/deeper still unresolved ❤️🩹 And then I walk out (might be a type of pitfall, to not voice the feeling and just walk out 😶)
On the rare occasions i found a therapist who wasn't awful, they also didn't help. none of them caught my people pleasing that made it seem i was really okay
They are not allowed to assume you are healed. And they don't know if you are healed. Only you know if you are healed.
I would love this too! I feel like almost every psychologist I've even seen has basically thought I was fine (or at least thought I was fine after about 4 sessions of working on surface level problems), and I've often questioned whether I'm doing something wrong in the way I present (or imagining my issues, even though logically I don't think so). I spent a lot of time in childhood just suffering in silence and grinning and bearing it through some deeply hurtful events, so maybe it doesn't come through clearly enough that I am upset when I talk about issues?
I remember telling one psychologist years ago (after she'd said I seemed fine) that I felt really drawn to this guy who was treating me awfully, and even though I logically knew he was bad for me I couldn't help but keep interacting with him and thinking about him and it was kind of taking over my life. She just said "well you just have to stop doing that", and assumed I was fine because the rest of my life seemed to be going OK. Several years later after many more failed short relationships I remember crying in another therapist's office because I was still struggling so much with romantic relationships, and she just said "well I can't find you a man" and told me to focus on my career.
Some years after that I discovered a very helpful TH-cam channel that explained the family dynamics growing up that could be behind a lot of this, and talked about attachment styles and attachment injuries and it was a total game changer for me. With that education I was able to do some work on my own, journaling and grieving for the relationship I wish I'd been able to have with my father and the healthy marriage I wished my parents had had, I took 2 years off dating and focused on myself, and made friends with a bunch of couples who were in healthy respectful relationships who I was able to be positively influenced by. But I wish one of those earlier therapists could have got me on that path, it would have saved so much time and heartache...
Oh yes! This. It was so confusing to me when I went back to my first therapist and heard, "Do you have any idea how lucky you are? You should be grateful.". All because I had a stable relationship and a child.
“The more healing we do, the less we can tolerate abuse.” Boom 💥
About the therapist that let up to the patient to have epiphanies: my therapist often looks like it has an idea or figure out something, but she goes "think! Think!". I hate it. I don't think about the right answer, I just start to think in the answer she wants to hear.
I have the equivalent of several phd’s 😂 with all my studies around trauma.
You’re absolutely right
I’m often frustrated with the endless information these days….simply because, while I’ve healed tremendously, in the end all the information in the world doesn’t seem to actually fix me.
And yes, we are fiercely independent. The old adage still rings true ‘I have to figure it out, I have to save myself, there’s no one you can count on to do it for you’
Cptsd wasn’t coined in our generation by accident. It was coined for us!
Truly enjoy your videos. TY
This was immensely helpful and good timing. I've been in therapy for around 30 years. (Many different therapists) I recently told my psychologist that I am so tired of being in therapy and when will I be done...? She encouraged me to keep going. I think all of us with deep childhood trauma keep thinking that there should be an 'end' in sight when in reality it's a lifelong growing process where we will not necessarily undo the past but learn from it and hopefully grow. 51 and still growing! Lol. Thanks Patrick🙏☺️
I lost my insurance with my job when I had a nervous breakdown. So, therapy isn't an option. Doing the best I can, but could definitely use someone to talk to.
After nearly 2,5 years in therapy my therapist wants us to quit this summer. I am heart broken. I just started to feel safe. I really love to attach to him, he sees me and he is really smart. Now I feel so re-traumatized. I am highly aware of the trauma I have been through, but that doesnt mean I am healed. It feels like he is waiting for me to ”get it”, just as you say, and now he is giving up on me. I feel so abandoned and empty and my depression is worse than ever. I regret doing therapy and feel like the most hopeless patient in the world.
I don’t know your situation but when I read “I really love to attach to him” it sounds like a red flag. There has to be some space and I think a good professional counsellor would keep that boundary. Perhaps your counsellor thinks you need some time to put into practice the tools they have given you 🤔
@@lizwilliamson8332 Well, I think he at least could have been honest. I have no tools to cope with the depression and I honestly dont see any reason to keep going.
I’ve been retraumatisee by therapists and by Rebecca Mandeville in real life (personal experience of her attacking and bullying me in a Facebook group when I was supporting her but she misread my comment and darvod me instead and I was scapegoated from a facebook scapegoat group. It wrecked me as they say never meet your idol. Rebecca is an industry pioneer on family scapegoat abuse and it feels so painful to be scapegoated again and it hurt more than my original family treating me that way. I was promised an apology by the fb group owner but gas lighted instead. Still recovering from her treatment now. No one wants to believe me.
This is all so great! I'm a therapist myself and have really struggled with finding many (luckily I've had a couple) therapists who were really willing to sit with me and help me "do the work." It's actually part of what ended sessions with me and my last therapist. I had asked her to notice when I was having a trauma response and invite me to sit with it or to regulate. But repeatedly she wouldn't or couldn't meet that request. She was happy to meet me at intellectualization and to hear the very slow progress that I was making on my own but in session it felt like the intensity that comes from trauma was prohibited, and I felt so discouraged. She was even resistant, though politely so, to my request to change her initial question each session to something that would be more helpful to me. I know some therapists in the area and technique that would be more helpful but presently it's cost prohibitive to me with a family. 😋 It's definitely a challenge!
This is a genuine question because I’m confused. How can you be a therapist yourself if you’re still dealing with your own trauma. Surely you have to be healed yourself before you attempt to help anyone else?
@@lizwilliamson8332 Maybe I can put it in a different perspective. Let's say someone went on a hiking trip and fell and tore their ACL. Now, let's say they went to physical therapy, and later became a physical therapist themselves. But, from time to time their knee flared up, causing pain and restricted movement or even returns to their own physical therapist. Would you ask "how can you be a physical therapist if you're still dealing with your own damaged ACL? Surely you have to be pain free before you can treat anyone else."
The brain and the body aren't separate. Trauma is essentially an injury to the brain and nervous system. Someone can have experienced a lot of healing from an injury but still experience flare ups or even some degree of ongoing impairment from that injury, but that doesn't mean they can't help other people heal.
Also, there's no such thing as being completely healed after any significant injury, there will always be some evidence of it left on a body or mind. That's not a failure. It's the reality of living life. Health isn't about returning to a perfect pre-injured state; it's about healing as much as you can, doing maintenance, and adapting. I don't know if that's the answer you wanted, but I hope it helps.
Just a few minutes into the video I had to stop it because I am stunned at how much I can relate to everything you're saying.
Another one I would like to add is trauma-goggles. Ive begun to look at people and their actions through the lens of "what kind of trauma makes them act like this" or "they're probably this way because x happened". I think its some kind of defense mechanism to make excuses for my own behaviour, or at least an extension of sorting out my damage from my personality. Does anybody else do this
Thank you Patrick, as a newbie,this enlightenment was so much needed.
Biggest challenge now is Finding a therapist. Can't take them all out for a test drive.
It’s okay to take it slow and breathe every now and then. I remember when I first started on my recovery journey I thought that I needed to go from 1-50 in every aspect of my life, including healing. I really was playing the tyrant to myself, internalising the belief system of my tyrannical mother that if I don’t get things right for her first time then I’m a failure. But thank god I’ve learned that now and am able to take practical steps towards healing. Developing new neural pathways and allowing old ones to die off takes time and effort, but also patience. Really insightful stuff as always Patrick, thank you. 🧠☮️❤️
Im in canada and discovered a not for profit trauma centre. I discovered it was cptsd at 62 now 8 years in and my therapy sessions cost me sliding scale 20.00 per session. I am fortunate.
For me, healing came 30 years after awareness. There was nothing more to work out but I was still constantly triggered. I couldnt relate to the give your inner child a hug thing, but I could work with how the brain stores and recalls information.
Oh my goodness, self awareness and those damn posts!
Ability to change, not so much!
I've been working on my trauma since my awareness broke almost 2 years ago and I have the book homecoming sitting on my nightstand and every time I look at it I get anxiety and that pit in my stomach opens up. Awareness is a path to the trauma and this just tells me I still have so much work to do unsurprisingly because for so long I was traumatized, this just takes time and I've learned to be patient with myself which is probably one of the best and key changes that I've been able to make. Thank you so much Patrick for all of your help it means so much to all of us who can't afford the price of good mental health support and healing and have to cobble together some kind of path on our own.
Yeah "Homecoming" hits hard. I have to read it in small doses and slowly work on things. Looking at old family pictures is triggering and helpful. I found my favorite pics of cute little me at many ages. When I look at her it's easier to love me.
My therapist told me to be kind to myself which was really helpful.. like a mantra❤️
This is so true about the funds, and, for me, especially....the time to seek and tryout a new therapist....etc.etc.
I'm 76, and I don't "tap dance" as fast as a more youthfully person.....
I appreciate your comment.
I tell myself all I need is awareness because I can’t get healing right now but that doesn’t mean I believe it unfortunately. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know like before
I think I've gone through most of, if not all of these pitfalls myself, it's really nice to see that I've come a very long way in healing
I feel the hardest part is the end of this video. I resonate with all of these and I thank you tremendously ❤
I ran into 5. It was so validating to hear you talk about this. I'd quit a toxic job and thought that would be enough stability to start trauma therapy... but I didn't know what I was going to do next for my career after feeling betrayed by it. And on top of that, multiple serious health stressors (mine and others') arose after quitting but during the period I'd started doing trauma therapy. Ultimately I hit on something in therapy that I processed but destabilized me and caused a severe flare of poor mental health symptoms. Thank you for spreading the word, so much.
Would be very interesting if you could talk to Daniel Mackler. He has a video titled "Why Can't You Grieve?" where he goes into the main barriers that stop someone from being able to process childhood trauma.
One of the key ones is someones life not being able to handle their trauma coming to the surface due to lack of stability or saftey. If the unconscious senses this would lead to a worsening of their situation overall, it wont allow things to be processed regardless of how much work you do or therapy you take. And since the unconscious decides wether to become traumatized or not, naturally its then up to the unconscious to decide when to become untraumatized.
"Childhood trauma is relational abuse that requires relational healing" hit me like a truck! You're right, I definitely felt defensiveness at many points during this video, but I needed to hear these things. Thank you for the great work you do, Patrick!
It’s so frustrating to think you’re doing great and then something happens at work and you react and realize you have more work to do on your childhood trauma. It really does hold you back.
I had the same experience after trying to find a therapist where it felt like the effort landed in a pitfall. Seeing other people post about it kinda helps me feel a little better about it. So everyone else who shared about their disappointment trying to access therapy... thanks for your transparency.
I really want to have one now and I just lost my coverage and it makes me feel better to read others too having a similar difficulty even though I don't wish my situation on anyone else.
Just wanted to add that I love that game. I have fond memories of playing it with my brother growing up.
Whew I was on a cringy recruitment crusade for about a solid year during the pandemic no less because all I did was binge on trauma info🤪😬😹😅
Thank the gods most of my people knew my intentions were good & I stopped that ish a while back🙉🙈🙊😹
I experienced something interesting last year. I stoped going to therapy once i (thought) started feeling better. But i was also in a lot of stress, caught up in a family drama i couldn't really avoid. Then i went away for 3 months (other continent lol), and when i came back, everything hit me right in the face. But i was somehow able to get through it (therapy and eft) and even came to the point 4, where i've seen the light :D What i am trying to say is that my body allowed me to process stuff when i was ready, i do see now how i shut off at that time since it was just too much of everything going on... Since i am on this journey of healing i am seeing more and more that my body and mind knows, when is the time, i find this incredible. So even if you are in therapy and you feel like you are making no progress, i do believe it often times shows later, when the time is right. Of course if the therapist you work with is good and you trust her/him.
Yes, I bomb out. Partly money, partly don’t want more grief and exhaustion. Maybe one day! I also struggle a lot with people trying to sell me “their” perfect method of healing. That just tells me that they are NOT done healing!
hey, know-it-all here. worked up the motivation to book a therapy appointment after watching. thanks
I'm all alone (no relationships, since they never work for me) and I've felt all of these things. I've been seeing two psychotherapists and, while it's nice to intellectually work all this out and have someone listen to me, no healing ever comes about. I cannot fool myself into ignoring what happened or downplaying it, since I keep living it. The hell never ends.
I’m so very sorry & this was my experience until I got into somatic healing therapy.
It’s now well known that trauma lives in the body. It becomes a nervous system issue hijacking our HPA axis & why so many of us have such big emotional reactions to things.
Have you ever read “The Body Keeps The Score”?
It’s a seminal work on trauma, PTSD, CPTSD & somatic work.
That kind of work was a lynchpin to my healing success & my traumas are on every level since the beginning of my life & I still have a very dysfunctional family so I HAD to find this healing to even exist any longer.
I had suicidal depression & an anxiety disorder most of my life & now I no longer need medication & if I have anxiety moments I have full confidence I can bring myself back to center.
I believe if I can come to this place I’d healing, then anyone can because if someone had told me it was possible 10yrs ago I definitely wouldn’t have believed them.
Stay strong & you are enough 💪💫🙏❤️🩹
This is me, sort of. I say sort of, because I had two life changer. The second therapist planted seeds of self acceptance and self respect. That led eventually to divorce, because I couldn't respect myself And live with a husband who didn't. The second life changer for me was a book. I see it's translated to english. "Choosing Joy" by Kai Pollak.
It helped me through the bitterness after my divorce. It slowly and gently guided me to crawl from the backseat in my own life to get behind the steeringwheel.
I can't change my past, but it helped me to change my way of looking at things. My way of thinking.
For example, I finally stopped punishing myself, if I did something wrong.
I still have a long way to go, but I'm not in hell anymore. I still can't live a life I choose, I have too much bagage to deal with. I'd need more therapy, but I definitely can't afford it.
❤️ Love from Sweden
Ps. I write about this book, but it may not help you at all, like Patrick just said. My point is it Might be worthwhile to give it a go? Just in case? It's not like any other book in the genre I've read. Paperback is cheap. (only saw it in Italian and Dutch on Amazon though)
Nigga be my friend 😂
I stopped at #1… I heard a thing saying “reading a million books about airplanes does not make you a pilot” and that explained how knowing wasn’t being, but it’s still hard to trust that the process of change and healing is happening.
Thank you for mentioning that.... I'm SO in the right place. Did the cut off 13 yrs ago. Finally have a home after traveling for 20 years. Quiet, nothing to do, rural Oklahoma. Focus. Peace. Listen. Learn. Thank you!!
That sounds like my dream life! So glad you found peace ❤
I can’t thank you enough. Abundant blessings to you and yours.
The first one got me.
I can't tell you how many hours, how many books, websites, forums, etc. I've spent just trying to make sense of it all. It was like a dopamine release every time I figured something out. This ultimately led to me cutting off my mom, which is excellent, but now I am left with the mess, and no amount of research will heal me. At this point, I can no longer hide from my feelings or push them away. I have no choice but to face them now.
Thank you for another insightful video.
"I see the light!" and evangelizing also has entanglements with codependence for me, and a desire and need to change the other, to bring them to my level of "enlightenment", whatever that means, even if I'm wrong, or they're not ready.
Oof. Awareness \= healing is a big one for me right now. I allowed myself to show some of my anger/rage toward my abusive family in therapy a couple of months ago and have since felt too embarrassed to schedule another session 😬
Would you be willing to make a video explaining why it is important and even therapeutic to experience our rage and grief “out loud” so to speak, in therapy?
The shame I feel after showing those emotions to other people, including therapists, is so intense that find myself avoiding therapy altogether until I find myself in a state of perceived crisis.
Thanks. Makes me feel better. I was thinking I would just be stuck never getting anywhere because I've had such a hard time moving through therapy. This was quite helpful to know that I'm not yet in the right time and space...but that I am closer to it than I thought. Actually quite encouraging.😊
Omg! This was me when I got a new job and tried to celebrate peoples birthdays. Everyone hated it because no one liked each other. I was trying to force intimacy and togetherness and a family environment since my biological family was toxic. Turns out I'm more isolated now than ever. I understand intimacy takes time and I need to be more discerning when spending time and money on others. Continuing to look for a therapist.
Any therapy I have tried always overlooks the fact that you can't expect people to come up with life skills or knowledge that they never had access to. Even if you work through your relationship to trauma You just end up with a blank space in trauma will fill it again because it's all you know
Being able to afford a trauma focused therapist is the main issue. I can’t move beyond anything because of that alone
I finally sought therapy for c-ptsd about 6 years ago because my toxic combative partner at the time said if i didn't he would leave- ( he ended up leaving a year later anyway for someone else)~ My therapist at the time mentioned i was in a toxic relationship with my mom but did not once mention having a combative boyfriend would obstruct therapy. It was very difficult processing the past with an antagonistic partner at home and I wish that the therapist would have mentioned i was in a toxic relationship with him and to come back after we have broken up. Today I am in a healthy marriage with a sensitive supportive person~ Social media free for three years and not missing it. Im not one to overshare but i thought maybe this could help someone gain perspective if they are in a similar situation. hang in there and stay focused on what you love. And even if the entire wold abandons you~ don't abandon yourself.
Definitely need to find the right therapist. For me it's mostly questions and discussions with no real challenges or change. I grew up screamed at and manipulated by my mother. Lied about and dismissed. Everyday. And gaslight into thinking it was all me causing it and exaggerating the situation. Today it's mostly not understanding group conversations, possibly being targeted by other abusive coworkers and feeling stuck. Invisible. However one on one or amongst good friends I'm a pretty normal dude.
I actually think I'm healing because I was agreeing more than anything else. Five years ago, I had several people tell me that I was so self aware, but I couldn't figure out why, if I knew all this book stuff, I still felt that was and was deeply unhappy with my life. I became an alcoholic partly over that, and I'm so grateful I am now. I had to go to a twelve step program, because I couldn't afford therapy anymore, and that's where I got my healing. I don't bandaid my problems with people, places, or things anymore, and that's fine wonders for my mental health.
You’re so right about assuming all therapists are appropriately trained and qualified on all levels. Early on in my start in therapy, I was in a family therapy session where the therapist totally allowed my husband (now my ex) to control the session, leaving my son and I feeling abused and totally unheard. I subsequently made an appointment with that therapist and let him know how I felt about the uselessness of the session and how it negatively affected any hope we had for moving forward positively. I also suggested that he find another profession!
My therapist and i are learning together. I have severe trust issues and don’t really trust anyone. I trust her. So we have a unique way of getting through this. She’ll find resources and we’ll discuss them. Sometimes it’s hit or miss. Most times it’s a hit. This system works for me.
Finding a trusting relationship with a therapist is healing itself. I'm glad for you.