In an Abusive Family, it is a dream that won't come true. Let go the little child hope & care for yourself. Don't keep trying to get delicious healthy apples from the toxic dry cleaners. Failing is continually repeating what does not work & expecting a different outcome.
it’s like people are angry they’re being asked to hear someone’s pain. they repress their feelings and demand you do also. if they were really so healthy wouldn’t they be providing support rather than essentially saying shut up and out on a fake persona?
That's the thing I think. The emotional neglect that causes one child in the family to have a victim mindset can cause another child to have an anti-victim mindset. This means they refuse to allow their feeling of being a victim and repress them. Then they become highly critical of themself if these feelings arise in themselves or others. They are hyper responsible and blame themselves for everything rather than blaming others. Both poles are unhealthy but together form a balance within the family.
@@juliedacosta8841Might be true for some, but the "anti-victim" people I know play up how hard a struggle their own life was and have double standards. Their own advice suddenly doesn't apply in their own situations.
Whenever a person talks about legitimate social injustice, there are some people who push back and accuse that person of “playing the victim.” False narratives around capitalism, meritocracy, equal opportunity and rational choice each facilitate this abuse/trauma denial on a grand scale.
spot on!! really feel like "the american dream" is the amalgamation of all of that, as well as the recent rampage of scams, schemes and rug-pulls that play on people's familiar exposures and susceptibilities to these dynamics :(
That's so true. How can we expect victims to be the bigger person or be "ultra rational" when often, the abuse itself wasn't rational at all! It comes from a place of either pain, spite, lust or greed, or just taking advantage of children's position of dependence period. You're not a rational being when it happens to you, as a CHILD, duh...and the perpetrator certainly wasn't rational either. They hide behind "logic"and "rationalism" to cover up their own impulsive bad acts.
That one statement was worth 43 minutes of my time. Patrick is an emotional Jedi! I am but a Padawan on this journey and could only make the slowest progress without the leaders in this community like Patrick.
" Get over it!" is what a Toxic Cousin Windy( who is a 2 year old amoK , marriage wrecking 50 year old Witch) always says! Windy says " carol does not love me, boo hoo, ignores me Too!
Toxic positivity is most definitely a thing, the one who was abused isn't CHOOSING to be caught up in it, their healing process has been a vast majority of the time actively sabotaged and they need help figuring out how to heal, all those people invalidating just adds insult to injury, they are ALREADY feeling invalidated because they were taught to do it to THEMSELVES.
The people that say “suck it up buttercup” are the same people that go on to dump their trauma onto their own children 🙄 They may seem “fine” and “doing better than you do” for now but that’s a thin illusion. They are diving head first into a world of nonsense. You’re doing amazing whoever you are 🤍🕊
100% these are my parents fr. Even now she says to just ignore things and is not even willing to acknowledge how her mindset can be different to her as a person
It takes a long time for some of us to realize and admit the truth of what happened to us. During that time we are definitely not playing the victim. In fact, many of us believe that something was wrong with us, not our parents or siblings. We don't start the journey to healing until we realize we were not totally the perpetrator and that something in our family was very wrong. In other words, we begin to realize something happened to us which we as kids had no control over. We have to come to realize and accept that we were victims. Once we admit this we are ready to undo our victimhood, to stop being victims. It is absolutely necessary for us to say we were victims and yet society points at us and makes us believe we are so wrong for telling the truth.
The hurtful "don't be a victim" statement that people tell trauma survivors/mentally ill can be a problem. It is a part of toxic positivity and the myth that happiness is just a choice or mindset change. I recently opened up about trauma only to have someone tell me "it's a victim mindset" if I'm not completely, magically healed right away. It's okay to recognize you were victimized. It's okay to not be okay sometimes. And I won't let anyone explain my own experience to me.
@@supernova2875 my counsellor is a big proponent of Gabor Mate’s work - I haven’t read any of his books yet, but I’m starting to see why she likes him. That quote makes a lot of sense.
It always baffled me when people say "Don't be a victim" or "They have such a victim mentality". Yes, of course they do, they were victimised and they need to process it without morons making them feel shameful for having perfectly normal feelings and responses to what they experienced. Would these people also say "Stop feeling pain " if you broke your arm? It's beyond logic to me.
I have a feeling everyone who had a childhood is a trauma survivor with an inner child that still has an impact on their present life. It's not an us vs them dichotomy. It's a we're in the trauma jungle scenario.
“Positivity is helpful to rally somebody out of the human condition I think, but telling a trauma survivor that they should be positive and forego processing abuse is like treating cancer with a diabetes medication. It’s just off… …we’re most likely not going to educate the general public in being less triggered and being more empathic; and these ideas are for your own healing and reclaiming your own perception of yourself, and your process that the abuse was real and it matters, and there’s nothing wrong with you for speaking your truth or seeking answers.” Thank you for this one, Patrick. I’ve had a lot of bad therapy I think, and was raised by two deeply traumatized people. I’ve got a lot of problems that I’ve still maybe only just scratched the surface of, but I really needed to hear this affirmation today.
Great video and understanding I see abusive people as the ones with victim mentality or playing victim: everything is someone else's fault and they made them do it This is different from victims-survivors who are not abusing others but dealing with the abuse others have inflicted on them and has been internalized. Correcting the abuser's narrative and making them accountable for their actions doesn't mean not taking responsibility for your own. It mean you stop taking responsibility, blame and shame that belongs to someone else It's truly a difficult journey to healing bc like you very well demonstrate, even outside of the original abusive environment, you are constantly bombarded with the same abuse enabling and victim blaming narrative in society and other institutions or relationships I think it's crucial to acknowledge we are receiving those messages. They are not true but we are receiving them, we are living in environments that think like this and treats you accordingly which is not ok
"It means you stop taking responsibility, blame and shame that belongs to someone else." Thank you for this kind and empowering reminder to be accountable to myself and to my inner child and a part of that is to stop taking on others' shame and blame. 🙌 I'm no longer responsible (and never should have been) for my caretakers' / abusers' feelings, actions, and unwillingness to change or to even see and accept reality of how severely violent, abusive, and neglectful they have been and in some ways continue to be.
Crazy stuff - I relate to “magical thinking” believing various family members might become interested in a “different” more connected relationship. Even participate in healing from trauma and toxic family experiences. After multiple experiences bashing my head against that proverbial brick wall i FINALLY determined this was a hopeless fantasy. My persistence earned me a shunning framed as we aren’t interested and you have “earned our abuse/neglect.” They now drag out childhood “offenses.” Primarily I was too emotional, or demanding of parents attention. I was bad “too much” for my parents to discipline. Stories about Dad hitting/spanking me which didn’t work because that only made me “laugh.” I don’t know what that reflex was, but I recall having a reflexive impulse to respond with hysterical laugh when I was cornered and fearful about physical aggression directed at me. I’m in my 60’s and finally get that this isn’t anything I can fix and mutual support is not in their wheelhouse. Parents were very dysfunctional and have passed on. I hoped siblings would come together-mistaken again. I feel shame for being so naive. I’ve been seeking information, healing, help and connection as long as I can remember. That effort seems to irritate family and elicits contempt and defensiveness from them. The opposite of what I’m seeking. It’s a hard truth.
Another 60 year old here. That magical thinking, they are going to treat me better this time… I finally had to let go of that, last year. We no longer need to excuse, reward, or normalize abuse we’ve experienced. And there is no shame in being naïve. You be you. The world is a better place because you are in it.
And another 60 yo here. 2023 is second year of no contact with mother and siblings. There comes a point where magical thinking and false hope wear themselves out. From the first lockdown, the banning of family gatherings brought such relief and joy. Decided to keep it that way. Common enemy status is all that remains, but predominantly a unwritten rule never to speak of the eldest. I do hope the empty chair remains the scapegoat and a new person won’t be selected. But there were signs that the matriarch was testing out some of the grandkids to fill the roll to see if anyone came to their defense. She will succeed, sadly. The role is too crucial to the family bonding rituals.
a 27 year old here, Thank you for sharing your experience, I also had an unexplained reflex to laugh when my abusive mom pinned me down and hit me. It's so helpful to hear that isn't just me.
@@saracullen6640 yes, glad you’re feeling better with the decision to avoid the negative family and look after your needs. Hopefully that role will go unfilled but I think of the scapegoat role as a way for unhealthy family members to avoid dealing with genuine problems by externalizing the issues in order to fool themselves into believing they are in control and capable of intimate relationships. “Cheap intimacy” is the term which describes this dynamic well. I wasn’t conscious of this but it was a well used behavior. Kind of an icky shortcut.
Jeez. You described about 90% of my childhood. That was very strange to hear third hand. Even the high achieving but passively suicidal. Mother threatening suicide. Family avoids upsetting mother. Lost brother. Golden sister. Only there was a constant dichotomy with me, I was either 100% the worst kid (selfish, ungrateful) or 100% the best (what would my life be without you, you’re so wonderful). I’m so glad to have sought mental health help, even if i am only just now really realizing how messed up childhood was.
Aside from having siblings, you described my childhood better than I could have. The constant "dichotomy" (that's an awesome word btw) always and still does make me feel like I'm crazy, like I'm definitely the problem and I'm just imagining the abuse or being dramatic. Thank you for putting my experience in words!!❤
@@thecatthatcameback I’m sorry you dealt with this too! It’s such a weird situation, and so hard to reconcile as you grow through it. Wishing you healing and happiness!
I've had this kind of dismissal and 'this is how _I_ handled such and such situation' (giving off-handed advice) from so many people over the years, including well-meaning friends. It definitely creates this sense that one's own gut feeling/intuition can't be trusted and that one is 'too sensitive' and needs to just get over it b/c others are going through much worse things. Thanks for speaking into this.
I experienced all of the above when it came to family,friends,therapist’s,spiritual counselor’s, Al-Anon. “Keep Coming Back It Works”. 😮 It wasn’t working. I still go because I find that there is still humanity there. However, I’m aware I can stick myself with what I’ve been comfortable with over the years. The people I gravitate to are people LIKE MY TOXIC FAMILY SYSTEM! What the what! Yeah, so thank you for this Dr. I have to be very CAREFUL and select healthy individuals for my mental health. It’s tricky. Yayee I’m not crazy or selfish!!!!
I was abused by my father when I was a child and I never tell people and only recently am in therapy although I've had problems my whole life. But, just like some other people have commented, I didn't want to be seen as damaged and looked upon with pity. I only ever told one person and a couple of other people I knew found out from other of my family members. When those people found out, they looked on me with pity. I don't need pity and I'm certainly not looking for attention. But I certainly was never able to "just get over it" and move on and not have issues. I lived my entire life with zero self esteem and always feeling less than and like a failure, keeping to myself and trying to avoid conflict and confrontation. I have anxiety and have had panic attacks in the past. But of course, I should just suck it up and get over it and don't play the victim. I hate attention on me and am not good at sharing anything about myself with others. All I want now is just to feel okay, like I'm not a failure and that the way I feel now is normal. I never went to therapy before, but am seeing a therapist now. So I never processed any of this before. I'm not sure I will ever share that aspect of my life with anyone, aside from my therapist.
Whether or not you share it, I hope the child parts of you that still feel it, are able to feel loved and validated and safe and cared for. Not pity, love and support, not because you're weak or a failure but because you are a human and no child deserves abuse.
Hey dude. I'm in the same boat and I know all the dumb stuff that doesn't make you feel better, so I will say the thing that makes me feel better: your dad sucks. You seem cool.
You know what though? You shared your story here, and I bet that was probably difficult. So I think you should be proud of being brave and talking about what you went through, even if it's just a TH-cam comment. I know even typing comments i get nervous sometimes, enough that sometimes I'll wipe a whole paragraph but then end up just deleting it. So I think you're brave for writing all that. What happened to you want ok. It was wrong and awful. So however you feel about it, that's okay. It's normal for us to feel F-ed up when F-ed up things happen to us. Your feelings are totally valid, and so is your struggle. But it wasn't your fault. And it doesn't change your worth or your value as a person. I hope you know that
You hit on something when you talked about what I call stuffing your feelings. I grew up around and knowing many people of the WW2 or children of the depression era people and what they all had in common was this stuffing. They'd take a hit and not talk about it. They acted like everything was fine. It wasn't, but they locked themselves into that mind set. They often smoked, some drank, even to excess and had few children. Some of my great Uncles had no children at all. They were married, but refused to have children(mom's side). My fahter's side uncles also, took it even further and didn't have any children at all, nor ever married. They came from large families and lived through the depression as children. Sooo, history lesson, but hopefully you see the pattern. Some things were hush hush, other things were kind of gossipy in the family of my maternal origin.
The negative comments is why I shut down long before the internet abuse perpetuated the ability to lesson someone's pain. I have lived in hell alone over 25 years because of people and that " shut up and stop acting like a victim" bs 😢 bless you for sharing your education and experience
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe ..." always comes to mind. People speaking from a place of privilege have no idea the harm they are capable of. I have no problem showing them.
I realized that I do have a tendency to be a victim to gain compassion. I've been through a lot but you made me realize that I can take care of myself, heal myself and take control of my life. Thank you so much
Thank you for making a point that toxic positivity and self-help can be shaming. I realized not long ago that I have the "if I can just be perfect everything will be all right" thing going. I was repeatedly shamed for poor self-care during 3+ decades of marriage. Now that I'm on my own, I struggle with self-care and I do a lot of self-shaming when I don't "get it right." I'm working with the friends who support me to find ways to check in that focus on the good self-care I've done so we can end-run the shaming.
Omg. I just found you. I am 49 years old diagnosis of AdHd and Cptsd. I have activily looked for years. All the years of bad diagnosis, wrong medication. I am so glad to understand that this is me. I am NOT a victim, yet was a victim. I'm getting told you are almost 50 and you still aren't over your parents. I have been in freezemode for 2 decades. Double suicides w both mentally ill parents. Thank you so much for having your pain transform into knowledge people like myself who were lost in Translation. 👀👽
A year into therapy, my therapist asked me, "Do you often feel like the victim?" And I just about lost my mind at her. I thought about finding a new therapist. When I came around, I saw what she was actually getting at. Even though I /was/ a victim during childhood, I couldn't see that it was no longer happening in my present. She talked to me about having a "survivor" mindset, that didn't invalidate my experiences and feelings, but gave me more personal power and room to grow.
OMG... Not a single unique experience! (Meme, I'm actually very grateful) I have been feeling so alone in my healing recently, and Patrick's example where thoughts that Jay thinks are what have come up for me. I feel less crazy and 'childish' after watching this. Thank you. It gives me strength to continue on.
Patrick, Just when I thought I couldn't like your content any more than I already did. You went and spent so much time and energy creating such a multi faceted, detailed approach to a topic that needs so much more attention. Thank you!
@@bottomofastairwell well played. That about sums up the toxic response to anyone who speaks truth about their difficult reality, even to those who say they want to know how you really are and want to support you.
I have had the same thought what is the point. If I look back though I can think of two that were good that I went to. They are out there but hard to find. When one has parents that continue to abuse it takes a life time to heal. I'm 66 and wonder if I will ever heal completely seems like a ongoing process. Now that I'm living in the same state as my family it has gotten harder, feeling like a big mistake for me to move near family but then again it has helped me to set boundaries see how dysfunctional my family is, to see through the many faces everyone puts on even to see myself better. Hang in there I know it is hard. Some how we all find a way to get through this. Wish you luck and support in what ever you decide. In my book there is no wrong way.
This unlocked a memory for me. My mother used to tell me in my late teens and early 20s to stop "playing the victim", but I *was* a victim, of her emotional abuse, control and manipulation. Funny that someone with a vested interest in denying your abuse would encourage you to see yourself as not having been victimised. Also what you said about why I keep trying to get love and acceptance from someone who has withheld it my entire life, made a lot of sense. Thank you.
I'm so glad you exist, Patrick. Your videos are so helpful and informational. Watching your videos over this past year has put so much into perspective for me and has given me tools for being a healthier person. I'm grateful for my dysfunctional behavior and the way it kept me safe for so many years but I'm also very grateful to be able to grow beyond that now.
I found this video very validating. I have a very invalidating family. I received shame, blame and dismissive statements when I expressed my feelings. I was abused and neglected with little acknowledgement or apology from those family members. Other family members would enable, make excuses for them and blame me. My father and stepmother have the attitude of: "Everyone is too sensitive and mentally unstable from a tiny bit of trauma. Get over it. Mental illness an sensitivity is weakness. You're the problem because you're too sensitive. It wasn't that bad. You just can't let go of the past. The world will not accommodate you. What happened is normal. You just want attention. Stop being a victim." Comments from other people who don't get it (whether online or in person) just add to the invalidation and gaslighting.
Very good point. Any form of invalidation (of one's story) - even if meant good - is a form of gaslighting. And it only adds to the gaslighting one already experienced. It is very simple: if you wanna help, just listen and put yourself in your friend's shoe. And always validate.
My situation growing up was a little different than J's, of course. But you have nailed my symptoms and inner turmoil as an adolescent right on the head. I had healed my trauma as much as I could on my own. I had hit a personal growth plateau until I discovered your videos a couple of years ago. I still find them so helpful and comforting. Thank you, Patrick!
There is so much I want to say on this video but it would be such a long comment. You’ve described my existence. It’s been so invalidating. Thank you so much.
Hey! I just started watching and this is almost an exact replica of my childhood except for the father beatings and I didn’t come out as Queer…but I did get divorced in my 20s which was the biggest shame. How did you tell the story of my life !!!! I feel really weird watching this and was very intently listening and striving to understand each segment. I am truly shocked hearing this. Never heard my life just spread out so clearly! Thank you for this video…I WISH YOU WERE MY COUNSELOR!
Hi Patrick, What advice do you have for us being bullied by Triggering Toxic Troll Trap Commenters? Been bullied several times in the comments section on this channel & I think it’s bc self help channels are easy targets for people seeking supply. They must also be hurting, but aren’t ready for what you have to say or to start working on themselves. We who have made the leap are ready. Some of us bare our souls in this comment section in an effort to try & heal from our traumas & perhaps to help others feel so not alone. Not your fault of course, you are not in control of what others do. Having said that, can you shed some light on this subject for us? Thanks so much! 🥰 Appreciate all the hard work you do.
@@m.maclellan7147 And if they are the one who's asking "who hurt you" (trying to shame you by telling you that you have a victim mindset - even if its true or not)? There's a lot of evil people who just twist your words and tries to make you look like you're the bad one who's not right and something is wrong with you. Even if you try telling them it's not true clearly and calmly, they act like you're delusional and the situatiom gets worse. So actually they're gashlighting you. And then if you left the conversation they're stomp you again with their words laughing and telling everyone that you ran away of the convo, you must feel ashamed because they just "called me off". Like what should I do if I can't talk with them like normal peoples would do?! And the fact that its on the interned for everyone to see makes it even worse. They totally make themselves look like they're the victims of the situation. Unbeliveable!
@Pug in da blanket they spend their lives speaking lies, so naturally they are good at it. So say, "Who hurt you ?" And if they continue being negative, just say, "Goodbye. " You DO NOT have to stay there and be their punching bag. If folks like their lying, thrn you have a nest of vipers ! Why stay ?! I have a friend who constantly goes back to people who hurt and misunderstand her. I have told her, "They won't change. Stop expecting them, too." Grey rock, & don't let them into your safe space. Let them rain on someone else's parade.
@@m.maclellan7147 Thank you, this made me feel better! :) I should've ignore them by the get-go, but sadly I decided against it that day. I never thought that this would happen. I assumed they were intelligent enough. My bad.
AA is shame based from what I observed. I’ve been in a long recovery process since the 90s. I’m the scapegoat and oldest of 7. Long story. When I first came forward revealing my childhood trauma ppl would say to me “how can u do this to ur parents “? I knew from moment one when I was talked to like that I automatically said “ ur question is totally ridiculous “. The question I told them should be “how in the world could my father do what he did to an innocent 4 year old”. I pretty much had very little contact anymore to those shaming types. It takes courage to go into recovery and to confront the parents with their horrific parenting. In this world PARENTS are deified. It is a cardinal sin to ever criticize a parent. I’m thoroughly sick of it. Nuff said for now. Ty for listening.
Thank you Patrick SO MUCH for this. I've always had such a hard time when people say, she's playing the victim, I just want to say, or maybe she was victimized and is telling the truth about it. Which is nothing to be shamed for.
Omg this my life. Being the rejected I had to find out truth.I feel really good about myself. I have done one year of grieving memories. But it is worth it
Again, thank you so much. I think you’re brilliant and perceptive. The other day someone pulled the phrase on me “it’s a shame people choose to feel bad “( or something to that effect) It fell down, right horrible. And I didn’t exactly know why and now I do. 👍🙏🏻✔️
Patrick, Thank you so much for being that voice 🙏 I would go further and say that therapists that ignore the emotional component of childhood trauma (checking the boxes of "no sexual abuse" , "no physical abuse" and move on) are factually failing their patients in two ways. First, they harm by implementing the "the world won't change, but you can" dogma (which feels like manipulation or gaslightening); and secondly they prevent an appropriate therapy, by continuing the mainly useless sessions. Often times those sessions last for years, without any significant healing progress. The patient is simply grateful for a "safe space to share their thoughts and feelings", without knowing that the root cause of such thoughts and feelings isn't being addressed. Thank you again for your insightful videos!
Thank you. You saved my life today. I feel like every time I have a problem, you have a real answer that lets me face the world again. I just scroll until I find it and I’m so grateful I found the one today. I want to feel better and make a real difference like you someday. You deserve a peace prize for ending the war in my head.
16:01 Straight up goofy perspective considering how living with toxicity and having trauma symptoms impacts every facet of life and understand and processing what happened is lifelong work.
Not sure why those types of people come on these videos. Telling everyone to buck up. That is weird:/. if we bother them then leave us be. lol😊. It might be trolls cause you are helping people get to the other side of ugly stuff:)
I was actually journaling this morning and I actually told myself that reminding myself how other people have hurt me isnt going to help me I should just get over it and figure out a way to stop seeking pity from others.no one is coming to save me.i should get used to being on my own.😢
I just want to take a second and thank you. I use you in supplement to my regular therapist and you give me the organization i need to talk and think about my past. My therapist says this is a great way to do that and using you as a journaling prompt has helped a great deal.
Opening up to strangers online can be a trap. A limitation of human empathy is that when we don’t fully understand someone’s life experience, we use our own experience to fill in the blanks. The truth is, you can never fully understand someone’s life unless you’ve lived it yourself.
I can feel myself being healed while watching this video. Everything you’re saying clicks. I feel seen and heard. Thank you Patrick. As someone with a Grandiose Narcissistic father & a codependent unprotective mother, this is something I really needed to hear.
Years ago we had a 16 y/o on suicide watch in our unit and she shared with me one day while I was making her bed that her father was SA'ing her. I called CPS and other healthcare professionals with specific skill sets to help her and the police became involved as well because of what I put in motion. One of my coworkers, when all this went down, said I overreacted. I said I'd been in her place and I had not overreacted. This woman was about 20 years my senior and I had a lot of respect for her. After I shared that I had been through SA as well she snidely said, "Oh, we've (women) all been SA'd. You should just get over yourself!" with this attitude of immense disgust for me. It hurt me so badly and ngl, for years I kept my mouth shut about my experiences because always in my head I would see her face and hear her voice saying that. The 16 y/o did talk to other people and I never regretted my actions because as a nurse (and a woman and a human being) I was not going to do nothing, that wasn't an option. in this time before the internet though, it was decades before I was able to speak again on my experiences. People can be so arbitrarily cruel. I think about that child still from time to time, I hope that she was able to escape and have a good life.
Thank you for this, it is really validating. My family went through a lot of trauma 30 years ago and I still need help processing it. I NEED to talk about it with someone, even if it's not with my family. Therapy has been very helpful to me.
This actually just happened to me :/ I study in another city I decided to come out as nonbinary in christmas, when I arrived from a 17 hour bus the 1st thing my dad did was cry in front of me cause i was wearing a feminine outfit He made me feel totally alien, said that I was "lost", that i must be very unhappy and sick, that I made it impossible for him to be happy The very next day he started saying I should thank him that he didn't put me in the streets, that I was forbidden from telling anyone about being trans, and that he was justified to beat me when i was 13 for finding out I was bissexual The VERY next day he reunited the family to say I had been his very last water drop, and he would go away to never come back He didn't return until I got back to university
"impossible for him to be happy". Your life isn't about making him happy. It's about making you happy. It's not your problem he's putting responsibility on you. His happiness is his responsibility. In fact, it's him who needs to grow up. Hold on there! I hope this is a proper phrase. I'm not a native speaker.
Patrick, you always amaze me. Your videos are clear, educational, and full of insight. Thank you! Over the past two years I’ve learned so much from you. You used the phrase “in your head” a few times in this video. My therapist says that phrase too. I don’t think it’s clear to me how to start feeling what my body is telling me instead of my head. I’ve got to work at that.
So much of this is relatable. It took me a many years to acknowledge the abuse I went through, and process the trauma. I am finally healing, but it is never easy when family members or friends belittle or dismiss my feelings when I'm triggered. Thank you so much for making these videos! They are incredibly helpful, and I feel less alone.
My grandson came out as possible gay (his words) over Christmas. He was afraid I'd be disappointed. I gave him a huge hug and told him "I LOVE EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE " AND I do
The worst happened to me when I was a small child, through some techniques I remembered the whole thing, have not recovered but at least I now know something really bad is the cause of my struggles in life, thanks for your videos.
Listening to you is very healthy for me. I am just beginning to understand stepping away from this personality that has for YEARS excepted disrespectful behaviors because it's easier - but long run it isn't. Thank you Patrick
Whew!!! That comment section… I feel like I’m at dinner with my family (yes, they are THAT bad). Thank you so much for this one Patrick, I feel so validated and seen by this video (we should call them lectures because they’re more than just TH-cam videos). I feel as though I’m J, and I went through all those stages and now I’m in my mid 30s and I’m barely getting to a place in therapy where I’m truly making progress. I find that all those people telling me to suck it up kept me stuck for so long. My journey started by watching videos of Buddhist monks, and basically the teaching was to just not take anything personal in life, to be glad about where you are in life (etc). I felt like the amount of abuse I was receiving from my family at that point was not something I could be existentialist about (Oh just let it go, we’re all going to die someday anyway). I wasted a lot of time just trying to meditate the situation away. “The mind is like a monkey, you need to just let those thoughts pass you by and not attach to them”… but if you’re a trauma survivor this is practically impossible! Thank you so so much Patrick this video was a just phenomenal, I feel so validated and seen.
thank u so much for this. it was very validating after witnessing so much invalidation in the extended family and also experiencing it at home with the abusive dad who constantly gaslights with an entourage of eggshell walking enablers.
i recently had an experience with a family member (one of the few i still speak to) that made me realize i will NEVER be accepted because i don't play the role i'm assigned. i will never be loved for being who i am and for the attributed i possess. i will always be the problem. so i decided to start the process of grieving the loss of the family i never had. i decided to stop trying. i decided to quit and sever all bonds and ties that i still have left tethered to those toxic people. it's been more emotional than i anticipated (having done this process before a couple of times) but i wouldn't have it any other way. the part of me that is still trying drains way too much of my energy and prevents my full progression and healing. it's scary but i can't wait to complete this cycle!
i am chinese)to be honest sir your english is soooooooo good i mean your video is such a good pattern for english learning, and learning self recovering at the same time,i cant stop thinking about that ,thanks
When I moved out all the problems I was blamed for and shamed for one by one fell away. I was in an unhealthy environment. Take that away I started improving in every single department.
Thank you Patrick! You made me more conscious and validated me. I spent years in this shaming step after abuses. I nearly died of it, as I attempted suicide many times. I even felt ashamed of my obstination to keep asking for help ("such an attention seeker berserker" and "if they all invalidate you, there might be a reason for it and you're just too weak to hear it"). Your example of J Doe put words onto my experience. You expressed some inner thinking I had. I struggled so hard finding help and still when I got it it was hard. I still don't know about how my future will look like and if there's really an after ir is that just fairy tales, maybe-that's-why-people-never-say-anything-and-stay-in-abuse-because-they-know-there's-nothing-else. It seems like emotional abuse is the common currency in our culture. It kinda feels like having to bring the One Ring to the Mordor: hope is small and I don't know how the result should/would like.
I had a therapist who was a black woman like myself and told me that our mothers were abusive because it’s part of our culture to be. I never felt so invalidated.
I had a “friend “ in college who likes to tell me DAILY she wanted to kill herself. This was after I opened my ears to her issues in the lab I was working in. I did EVERYTHING I could for her, I called the crisis counselor, I told the professor I was working for, she didn’t do a DAMN thing any of them told me to Tell her! She just kept coming in the the class we had together and saying “I was going to kill myself this morning “! She also dated a guy I had known for 6 years, and she complained about HIM constantly! I eventually just told her, “I cant help you”! She was distracting my WORK my classes and my friendships! And she actually gave me HECK for saying to someone else that she was suicidal and needed HELP! She DUMPED her trauma ON ME and distracted me IMMENSELY from many many things! I knew her only a few MONTHS!
This is awful and you did the right thing. It sucks you had to deal with that. I hope you have the ability to know you did all you could and wish her true healing.
@@handkmommy I know she had relatable ISSUES that is why I liked her! And both of us were improving our lives and moving forward! It’s just the way she handled her life at that moment seemed very one sided! I wanted a friend BADLY! I just felt too much pressure to drop EVERYTHING and help HER!
my older sibling moreso fits this story and I was the neutral youngest sibling that began to relate more and more as I grew up and secretly had my own problems. this story is like a mixture of ours and I often tell myself to stop playing the victim when my sibling had it worse
I was really shocked last week to see leading ADHD specialist Russell Barkley say in a recent video something like that there’s a epidemic of victim mentality in society at the moment. He was talking about how ADHD is not caused by trauma (a response to Gabor Mate’s statements). Some people like me have ADHD and also have complex trauma and it can be hard to know which is which. His comment really threw me.
what you said at the end was really affirming. yes that’s what we want to hear and i wish you’d continue to talk about that more- understanding- it’s what the best clinicians do- saying of course you’re experiencing this because you didn’t get this this or this…. that’s basic understanding of human development yet so rare.
There is a truth in the wider sense that if you replay and speak about your problems over and over this isnt helpful and help people get stuck. Talking therapy isnt helpful for everyone. EMDR therapy has good success rates.
I am struggling with this idea, too, not so much lately, but still... I find your videos very helpful and your perspective on anything very accurately studied. Thank you!
Triggered at 8:30 with the "no parent would have a graceful reaction the news their child announcing that." So false. I have three adult children. At any time had they or should they come to me with news regarding their gender or sexuality, I will be responding gracefully and with love and full support and active listening, learning, and understanding. I've been slapped as an adult by my NPD mother and it's so humiliating. I didn't stand up enough and later she slapped my daughter at my brother's wedding. My daughter was five. I have never forgiven myself for letting it get that far. That is what finally woke me up and finally stopped my magical thinking. I later discovered my brother (golden child and now very serious and increasing alcoholic) is not safe either and has been covertly acting against me and my kids my entire adulthood. He admitted to me he was holding a grudge that I left before he did and didn't stay at home with him to protect him. Wow. I was a minor and had the opportunity to leave. I was a girl, severely trapped and isolated/controlled (he had freedom, friends, a vehicle which I was never allowed), I had sexual abuse ignored multiple times ages 5-12, and was the scapegoat for her rage and jealousy. He did have it rough too. But I was in survival mode and he seemed to be the good kid (I now know better) that she told me herself she loved differently because he was her real kid (I was adopted). I now wish I'd pressed charges against her for slapping my daughter (I didn't even know I could back then) and I no longer have a relationship with my brother. I finally respect myself and my children helped me do that. We are all healing and keeping a very long, safe distance from all that madness and that has made a huge difference in my peace, sanity, and joy. And yep, still get triggered. Just recover quicker and more gracefully most of the time and sometimes just have to forgive myself for doing the best I can at the time. Reserves matter. Thresholds matter. Boundaries matter. Perceived safety (equal to the very valid emotional safety) matters. Living in a world of ongoing invalidation of toxic oppression and injustice for survivors of emotional, sexual, financial, and physical abuse is not easy. And so it goes on. People aren't "evil or good" anymore. They are either "safe or unsafe for me at this time". TBD on whether they ever will be but if not, that's okay. I let people earn my trust and friendship now. I feel much safer and have more room to write, do well in school, and be there for my adult kids and maybe even future grandchildren (whom I will never, EVER slap or treat maliciously or without the utmost care). If anything, my issue will be spoiling them with love. But that's what grandparents should be for. ;)
the way the therapist gaslit him like just another source of more abuse in his life and yet the sad thing is that shit actually happens reminds me of school counselors i would go to
My sister in law told me one day I should just "move on" cause there is nothing I can do about the past anymore. She never asked me what has happened to me. Not interested in my story. I just had go forget asap and act "normal".
Holy cow this was so brutal to listen to cause my first ever therapist ALSO tried to convince me to reconcile with the person who has harmed me repeatedly.
This video was so helpful. I try to do all these things and it’s only ever temporary 😢 I really do just want to be okay and happy and at peace, and not feeling like I’m in fight or flight all the time.
Uggh thank you so much for addressing the 12-step community cognitive distortions. I'm 23 years sober and I spent 19 of those years trying to 12-step my way through my C-PTSD (because I didn't know any better). The conditioning in the program is that if you work your steps correctly, all of that "childhood stuff" goes away. Even now, people say the dumbest stuff in meetings when they're not trauma-informed. And then there's all the New Age people- which is a direction a lot of people in recovery go when they are seeking a God of their understanding- who tell us that our feelings are a choice based on our thoughts, and we just need to change our thinking and elevate our vibrations. Arrrggghhhhh.
This video helped tremendously! Helped me find some of the answers that I've been looking for for a long time. Thank you. Wish I could like a video twice or something
Patrick!! You just described my story! Minus the difference in sexual orientation and my being the golden child turned scapegoat in the absence of the scapegoat. I have a disability and I'm only now (at 35) doing the cut off amid so many difficulties. Your content is truly touching and helpful. Thank you!
I like all of your videos but this one hit hard. Thank you for your help and support and energy to put these solutions out there. A forty-five minutes (ish) video helped so much. I took notes.xx
The comment about families with low emotional intelligence and not trusting outsiders hit me like a ton of bricks 😭 I always feel bad about seeking help for my anxiety issues and dissociation (and possible OCD) but I don’t want to call my family abusive bc I love them and know they love me. I also worry that I’m inadvertently making my sister a scapegoat by calling her a narcissist or talking to my mom about her when she’s being unreasonable. I don’t want to get into my whole family dynamic but I see some similarities and I feel horrible about it because I don’t want to make people think my family is horrible when they’re not. Idk that’s word vomit but idk where to end this…
“There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting a family to be supportive.” 😔
Gut punch 🤛🏻
Ouch 💔
In an Abusive Family, it is a dream that won't come true. Let go the little child hope & care for yourself. Don't keep trying to get delicious healthy apples from the toxic dry cleaners. Failing is continually repeating what does not work & expecting a different outcome.
💯💯💯💔
@@tanakaren1822Toxic positivity. You were literally described in this video.
it’s like people are angry they’re being asked to hear someone’s pain. they repress their feelings and demand you do also. if they were really so healthy wouldn’t they be providing support rather than essentially saying shut up and out on a fake persona?
That's the thing I think. The emotional neglect that causes one child in the family to have a victim mindset can cause another child to have an anti-victim mindset. This means they refuse to allow their feeling of being a victim and repress them. Then they become highly critical of themself if these feelings arise in themselves or others. They are hyper responsible and blame themselves for everything rather than blaming others. Both poles are unhealthy but together form a balance within the family.
@@juliedacosta8841Might be true for some, but the "anti-victim" people I know play up how hard a struggle their own life was and have double standards. Their own advice suddenly doesn't apply in their own situations.
Whenever a person talks about legitimate social injustice, there are some people who push back and accuse that person of “playing the victim.” False narratives around capitalism, meritocracy, equal opportunity and rational choice each facilitate this abuse/trauma denial on a grand scale.
spot on!! really feel like "the american dream" is the amalgamation of all of that, as well as the recent rampage of scams, schemes and rug-pulls that play on people's familiar exposures and susceptibilities to these dynamics :(
Seriously how do you keep showing up in the comments of all the videos I watch?!
Omg it's TayZonday!
Omg, it's you :)
That's so true. How can we expect victims to be the bigger person or be "ultra rational" when often, the abuse itself wasn't rational at all! It comes from a place of either pain, spite, lust or greed, or just taking advantage of children's position of dependence period. You're not a rational being when it happens to you, as a CHILD, duh...and the perpetrator certainly wasn't rational either. They hide behind "logic"and "rationalism" to cover up their own impulsive bad acts.
"We don't let toxic people tell us who we are anymore. Or tell us what our experience was." - Patrick Teahan. Thank you, Patrick.
This is absolute gold.
i cope laugh back about how i think they are lol it make it neutral quite fast'
"ego 1 haha ego 2" ego 1: "cool story bro you are better grats"
That one statement was worth 43 minutes of my time. Patrick is an emotional Jedi! I am but a Padawan on this journey and could only make the slowest progress without the leaders in this community like Patrick.
Exactly!❤
" Get over it!" is what a Toxic Cousin Windy( who is a 2 year old amoK , marriage wrecking 50 year old Witch) always says! Windy says " carol does not love me, boo hoo, ignores me Too!
Toxic positivity is most definitely a thing, the one who was abused isn't CHOOSING to be caught up in it, their healing process has been a vast majority of the time actively sabotaged and they need help figuring out how to heal, all those people invalidating just adds insult to injury, they are ALREADY feeling invalidated because they were taught to do it to THEMSELVES.
Exactly this.
The people that say “suck it up buttercup” are the same people that go on to dump their trauma onto their own children 🙄
They may seem “fine” and “doing better than you do” for now but that’s a thin illusion. They are diving head first into a world of nonsense.
You’re doing amazing whoever you are 🤍🕊
100% these are my parents fr. Even now she says to just ignore things and is not even willing to acknowledge how her mindset can be different to her as a person
Those people chose the bully path.
Legit my younger brother. He thinks he is the toughest person ever. I am older than him but by far more sensitive because of my childhood trauma
I've literally heard that exact phrase
It takes a long time for some of us to realize and admit the truth of what happened to us. During that time we are definitely not playing the victim. In fact, many of us believe that something was wrong with us, not our parents or siblings. We don't start the journey to healing until we realize we were not totally the perpetrator and that something in our family was very wrong. In other words, we begin to realize something happened to us which we as kids had no control over. We have to come to realize and accept that we were victims. Once we admit this we are ready to undo our victimhood, to stop being victims. It is absolutely necessary for us to say we were victims and yet society points at us and makes us believe we are so wrong for telling the truth.
The hurtful "don't be a victim" statement that people tell trauma survivors/mentally ill can be a problem. It is a part of toxic positivity and the myth that happiness is just a choice or mindset change. I recently opened up about trauma only to have someone tell me "it's a victim mindset" if I'm not completely, magically healed right away. It's okay to recognize you were victimized. It's okay to not be okay sometimes. And I won't let anyone explain my own experience to me.
@@supernova2875 oh, yes! That's perfect. Thanks for sharing it
@@supernova2875 my counsellor is a big proponent of Gabor Mate’s work - I haven’t read any of his books yet, but I’m starting to see why she likes him. That quote makes a lot of sense.
It always baffled me when people say "Don't be a victim" or "They have such a victim mentality". Yes, of course they do, they were victimised and they need to process it without morons making them feel shameful for having perfectly normal feelings and responses to what they experienced.
Would these people also say "Stop feeling pain " if you broke your arm? It's beyond logic to me.
@@TheLiquidCat saaaame!
I have a feeling everyone who had a childhood is a trauma survivor with an inner child that still has an impact on their present life. It's not an us vs them dichotomy. It's a we're in the trauma jungle scenario.
“Positivity is helpful to rally somebody out of the human condition I think, but telling a trauma survivor that they should be positive and forego processing abuse is like treating cancer with a diabetes medication. It’s just off…
…we’re most likely not going to educate the general public in being less triggered and being more empathic; and these ideas are for your own healing and reclaiming your own perception of yourself, and your process that the abuse was real and it matters, and there’s nothing wrong with you for speaking your truth or seeking answers.”
Thank you for this one, Patrick.
I’ve had a lot of bad therapy I think, and was raised by two deeply traumatized people.
I’ve got a lot of problems that I’ve still maybe only just scratched the surface of, but I really needed to hear this affirmation today.
Great video and understanding
I see abusive people as the ones with victim mentality or playing victim: everything is someone else's fault and they made them do it
This is different from victims-survivors who are not abusing others but dealing with the abuse others have inflicted on them and has been internalized.
Correcting the abuser's narrative and making them accountable for their actions doesn't mean not taking responsibility for your own. It mean you stop taking responsibility, blame and shame that belongs to someone else
It's truly a difficult journey to healing bc like you very well demonstrate, even outside of the original abusive environment, you are constantly bombarded with the same abuse enabling and victim blaming narrative in society and other institutions or relationships
I think it's crucial to acknowledge we are receiving those messages. They are not true but we are receiving them, we are living in environments that think like this and treats you accordingly which is not ok
"It means you stop taking responsibility, blame and shame that belongs to someone else." Thank you for this kind and empowering reminder to be accountable to myself and to my inner child and a part of that is to stop taking on others' shame and blame. 🙌 I'm no longer responsible (and never should have been) for my caretakers' / abusers' feelings, actions, and unwillingness to change or to even see and accept reality of how severely violent, abusive, and neglectful they have been and in some ways continue to be.
Crazy stuff - I relate to “magical thinking” believing various family members might become interested in a “different” more connected relationship. Even participate in healing from trauma and toxic family experiences. After multiple experiences bashing my head against that proverbial brick wall i FINALLY determined this was a hopeless fantasy. My persistence earned me a shunning framed as we aren’t interested and you have “earned our abuse/neglect.” They now drag out childhood “offenses.” Primarily I was too emotional, or demanding of parents attention. I was bad “too much” for my parents to discipline. Stories about Dad hitting/spanking me which didn’t work because that only made me “laugh.” I don’t know what that reflex was, but I recall having a reflexive impulse to respond with hysterical laugh when I was cornered and fearful about physical aggression directed at me. I’m in my 60’s and finally get that this isn’t anything I can fix and mutual support is not in their wheelhouse. Parents were very dysfunctional and have passed on. I hoped siblings would come together-mistaken again. I feel shame for being so naive. I’ve been seeking information, healing, help and connection as long as I can remember. That effort seems to irritate family and elicits contempt and defensiveness from them. The opposite of what I’m seeking. It’s a hard truth.
Another 60 year old here. That magical thinking, they are going to treat me better this time… I finally had to let go of that, last year.
We no longer need to excuse, reward, or normalize abuse we’ve experienced. And there is no shame in being naïve.
You be you. The world is a better place because you are in it.
@@dawnpokemontrainer I’m sorry you experienced this family experience and I thank you for your kind encouragement/support.❤
And another 60 yo here. 2023 is second year of no contact with mother and siblings. There comes a point where magical thinking and false hope wear themselves out. From the first lockdown, the banning of family gatherings brought such relief and joy. Decided to keep it that way. Common enemy status is all that remains, but predominantly a unwritten rule never to speak of the eldest. I do hope the empty chair remains the scapegoat and a new person won’t be selected. But there were signs that the matriarch was testing out some of the grandkids to fill the roll to see if anyone came to their defense. She will succeed, sadly. The role is too crucial to the family bonding rituals.
a 27 year old here, Thank you for sharing your experience, I also had an unexplained reflex to laugh when my abusive mom pinned me down and hit me. It's so helpful to hear that isn't just me.
@@saracullen6640 yes, glad you’re feeling better with the decision to avoid the negative family and look after your needs. Hopefully that role will go unfilled but I think of the scapegoat role as a way for unhealthy family members to avoid dealing with genuine problems by externalizing the issues in order to fool themselves into believing they are in control and capable of intimate relationships. “Cheap intimacy” is the term which describes this dynamic well. I wasn’t conscious of this but it was a well used behavior. Kind of an icky shortcut.
Jeez. You described about 90% of my childhood. That was very strange to hear third hand. Even the high achieving but passively suicidal. Mother threatening suicide. Family avoids upsetting mother. Lost brother. Golden sister. Only there was a constant dichotomy with me, I was either 100% the worst kid (selfish, ungrateful) or 100% the best (what would my life be without you, you’re so wonderful). I’m so glad to have sought mental health help, even if i am only just now really realizing how messed up childhood was.
This for real got me in the guts. Thank you for this.
best and worst child I also get a lot .-.
Aside from having siblings, you described my childhood better than I could have. The constant "dichotomy" (that's an awesome word btw) always and still does make me feel like I'm crazy, like I'm definitely the problem and I'm just imagining the abuse or being dramatic. Thank you for putting my experience in words!!❤
@@thecatthatcameback I’m sorry you dealt with this too! It’s such a weird situation, and so hard to reconcile as you grow through it. Wishing you healing and happiness!
I've had this kind of dismissal and 'this is how _I_ handled such and such situation' (giving off-handed advice) from so many people over the years, including well-meaning friends. It definitely creates this sense that one's own gut feeling/intuition can't be trusted and that one is 'too sensitive' and needs to just get over it b/c others are going through much worse things.
Thanks for speaking into this.
I experienced all of the above when it came to family,friends,therapist’s,spiritual counselor’s, Al-Anon. “Keep Coming Back It Works”. 😮
It wasn’t working. I still go because I find that there is still humanity there.
However, I’m aware I can stick myself with what I’ve been comfortable with over the years.
The people I gravitate to are people LIKE MY TOXIC FAMILY SYSTEM! What the what!
Yeah, so thank you for this Dr.
I have to be very CAREFUL and select healthy individuals for my mental health. It’s tricky.
Yayee I’m not crazy or selfish!!!!
I was abused by my father when I was a child and I never tell people and only recently am in therapy although I've had problems my whole life. But, just like some other people have commented, I didn't want to be seen as damaged and looked upon with pity. I only ever told one person and a couple of other people I knew found out from other of my family members. When those people found out, they looked on me with pity. I don't need pity and I'm certainly not looking for attention. But I certainly was never able to "just get over it" and move on and not have issues. I lived my entire life with zero self esteem and always feeling less than and like a failure, keeping to myself and trying to avoid conflict and confrontation. I have anxiety and have had panic attacks in the past. But of course, I should just suck it up and get over it and don't play the victim. I hate attention on me and am not good at sharing anything about myself with others. All I want now is just to feel okay, like I'm not a failure and that the way I feel now is normal. I never went to therapy before, but am seeing a therapist now. So I never processed any of this before. I'm not sure I will ever share that aspect of my life with anyone, aside from my therapist.
Whether or not you share it, I hope the child parts of you that still feel it, are able to feel loved and validated and safe and cared for. Not pity, love and support, not because you're weak or a failure but because you are a human and no child deserves abuse.
Hey dude. I'm in the same boat and I know all the dumb stuff that doesn't make you feel better, so I will say the thing that makes me feel better: your dad sucks. You seem cool.
You know what though? You shared your story here, and I bet that was probably difficult. So I think you should be proud of being brave and talking about what you went through, even if it's just a TH-cam comment.
I know even typing comments i get nervous sometimes, enough that sometimes I'll wipe a whole paragraph but then end up just deleting it. So I think you're brave for writing all that.
What happened to you want ok. It was wrong and awful. So however you feel about it, that's okay. It's normal for us to feel F-ed up when F-ed up things happen to us. Your feelings are totally valid, and so is your struggle.
But it wasn't your fault. And it doesn't change your worth or your value as a person. I hope you know that
You hit on something when you talked about what I call stuffing your feelings. I grew up around and knowing many people of the WW2 or children of the depression era people and what they all had in common was this stuffing.
They'd take a hit and not talk about it. They acted like everything was fine. It wasn't, but they locked themselves into that mind set. They often smoked, some drank, even to excess and had few children. Some of my great Uncles had no children at all. They were married, but refused to have children(mom's side). My fahter's side uncles also, took it even further and didn't have any children at all, nor ever married. They came from large families and lived through the depression as children. Sooo, history lesson, but hopefully you see the pattern. Some things were hush hush, other things were kind of gossipy in the family of my maternal origin.
"processing child trauma wrong" that sentence alone helps a lot
The negative comments is why I shut down long before the internet abuse perpetuated the ability to lesson someone's pain. I have lived in hell alone over 25 years because of people and that " shut up and stop acting like a victim" bs 😢 bless you for sharing your education and experience
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe ..." always comes to mind. People speaking from a place of privilege have no idea the harm they are capable of. I have no problem showing them.
And yet we’d never do to others the harm that’s been done to us.
Blade Runner rules and so do you.
I realized that I do have a tendency to be a victim to gain compassion. I've been through a lot but you made me realize that I can take care of myself, heal myself and take control of my life. Thank you so much
Thank you for making a point that toxic positivity and self-help can be shaming. I realized not long ago that I have the "if I can just be perfect everything will be all right" thing going. I was repeatedly shamed for poor self-care during 3+ decades of marriage. Now that I'm on my own, I struggle with self-care and I do a lot of self-shaming when I don't "get it right." I'm working with the friends who support me to find ways to check in that focus on the good self-care I've done so we can end-run the shaming.
Omg. I just found you. I am 49 years old diagnosis of AdHd and Cptsd. I have activily looked for years. All the years of bad diagnosis, wrong medication. I am so glad to understand that this is me. I am NOT a victim, yet was a victim. I'm getting told you are almost 50 and you still aren't over your parents. I have been in freezemode for 2 decades. Double suicides w both mentally ill parents. Thank you so much for having your pain transform into knowledge people like myself who were lost in Translation. 👀👽
A year into therapy, my therapist asked me, "Do you often feel like the victim?" And I just about lost my mind at her. I thought about finding a new therapist.
When I came around, I saw what she was actually getting at. Even though I /was/ a victim during childhood, I couldn't see that it was no longer happening in my present. She talked to me about having a "survivor" mindset, that didn't invalidate my experiences and feelings, but gave me more personal power and room to grow.
It’s all part of the healing process! Where to begin how to manage it and how do YOU want it to end?
OMG... Not a single unique experience! (Meme, I'm actually very grateful) I have been feeling so alone in my healing recently, and Patrick's example where thoughts that Jay thinks are what have come up for me. I feel less crazy and 'childish' after watching this. Thank you. It gives me strength to continue on.
Patrick, Just when I thought I couldn't like your content any more than I already did. You went and spent so much time and energy creating such a multi faceted, detailed approach to a topic that needs so much more attention. Thank you!
Wait a minute, this topic needs ATTENTION? don't you think this topic should really just let it go, get over it and move on?
@@bottomofastairwell well played. That about sums up the toxic response to anyone who speaks truth about their difficult reality, even to those who say they want to know how you really are and want to support you.
You can’t find good or real therapist’s like this
I have had the same thought what is the point. If I look back though I can think of two that were good that I went to. They are out there but hard to find. When one has parents that continue to abuse it takes a life time to heal. I'm 66 and wonder if I will ever heal completely seems like a ongoing process. Now that I'm living in the same state as my family it has gotten harder, feeling like a big mistake for me to move near family but then again it has helped me to set boundaries see how dysfunctional my family is, to see through the many faces everyone puts on even to see myself better. Hang in there I know it is hard. Some how we all find a way to get through this. Wish you luck and support in what ever you decide. In my book there is no wrong way.
This unlocked a memory for me. My mother used to tell me in my late teens and early 20s to stop "playing the victim", but I *was* a victim, of her emotional abuse, control and manipulation. Funny that someone with a vested interest in denying your abuse would encourage you to see yourself as not having been victimised.
Also what you said about why I keep trying to get love and acceptance from someone who has withheld it my entire life, made a lot of sense. Thank you.
I'm so glad you exist, Patrick. Your videos are so helpful and informational. Watching your videos over this past year has put so much into perspective for me and has given me tools for being a healthier person. I'm grateful for my dysfunctional behavior and the way it kept me safe for so many years but I'm also very grateful to be able to grow beyond that now.
I found this video very validating. I have a very invalidating family.
I received shame, blame and dismissive statements when I expressed my feelings. I was abused and neglected with little acknowledgement or apology from those family members. Other family members would enable, make excuses for them and blame me. My father and stepmother have the attitude of: "Everyone is too sensitive and mentally unstable from a tiny bit of trauma. Get over it. Mental illness an sensitivity is weakness. You're the problem because you're too sensitive. It wasn't that bad. You just can't let go of the past. The world will not accommodate you. What happened is normal. You just want attention. Stop being a victim."
Comments from other people who don't get it (whether online or in person) just add to the invalidation and gaslighting.
Very good point. Any form of invalidation (of one's story) - even if meant good - is a form of gaslighting. And it only adds to the gaslighting one already experienced. It is very simple: if you wanna help, just listen and put yourself in your friend's shoe. And always validate.
My situation growing up was a little different than J's, of course. But you have nailed my symptoms and inner turmoil as an adolescent right on the head. I had healed my trauma as much as I could on my own. I had hit a personal growth plateau until I discovered your videos a couple of years ago. I still find them so helpful and comforting. Thank you, Patrick!
There is so much I want to say on this video but it would be such a long comment. You’ve described my existence. It’s been so invalidating. Thank you so much.
Hey! I just started watching and this is almost an exact replica of my childhood except for the father beatings and I didn’t come out as Queer…but I did get divorced in my 20s which was the biggest shame. How did you tell the story of my life !!!! I feel really weird watching this and was very intently listening and striving to understand each segment. I am truly shocked hearing this. Never heard my life just spread out so clearly! Thank you for this video…I WISH YOU WERE MY COUNSELOR!
My mom had the same reaction when I told her I always knew my brother had suicidal ideation.
Hi Patrick, What advice do you have for us being bullied by Triggering Toxic Troll Trap Commenters?
Been bullied several times in the comments section on this channel & I think it’s bc self help channels are easy targets for people seeking supply. They must also be hurting, but aren’t ready for what you have to say or to start working on themselves. We who have made the leap are ready. Some of us bare our souls in this comment section in an effort to try & heal from our traumas & perhaps to help others feel so not alone. Not your fault of course, you are not in control of what others do. Having said that, can you shed some light on this subject for us? Thanks so much! 🥰 Appreciate all the hard work you do.
Best one I EVER heard was, "Who hurt you?" - shuts them right up, most times ! ;)
Hoping you have no bullying going forward.
@@m.maclellan7147 And if they are the one who's asking "who hurt you" (trying to shame you by telling you that you have a victim mindset - even if its true or not)? There's a lot of evil people who just twist your words and tries to make you look like you're the bad one who's not right and something is wrong with you. Even if you try telling them it's not true clearly and calmly, they act like you're delusional and the situatiom gets worse. So actually they're gashlighting you. And then if you left the conversation they're stomp you again with their words laughing and telling everyone that you ran away of the convo, you must feel ashamed because they just "called me off". Like what should I do if I can't talk with them like normal peoples would do?! And the fact that its on the interned for everyone to see makes it even worse. They totally make themselves look like they're the victims of the situation. Unbeliveable!
@Pug in da blanket they spend their lives speaking lies, so naturally they are good at it.
So say, "Who hurt you ?" And if they continue being negative, just say, "Goodbye. " You DO NOT have to stay there and be their punching bag. If folks like their lying, thrn you have a nest of vipers ! Why stay ?!
I have a friend who constantly goes back to people who hurt and misunderstand her. I have told her, "They won't change. Stop expecting them, too."
Grey rock, & don't let them into your safe space. Let them rain on someone else's parade.
@@m.maclellan7147 Thank you, this made me feel better! :) I should've ignore them by the get-go, but sadly I decided against it that day. I never thought that this would happen. I assumed they were intelligent enough. My bad.
AA is shame based from what I observed. I’ve been in a long recovery process since the 90s. I’m the scapegoat and oldest of 7. Long story. When I first came forward revealing my childhood trauma ppl would say to me “how can u do this to ur parents “? I knew from moment one when I was talked to like that I automatically said “ ur question is totally ridiculous “. The question I told them should be “how in the world could my father do what he did to an innocent 4 year old”. I pretty much had very little contact anymore to those shaming types. It takes courage to go into recovery and to confront the parents with their horrific parenting. In this world PARENTS are deified. It is a cardinal sin to ever criticize a parent. I’m thoroughly sick of it. Nuff said for now. Ty for listening.
Thank you Patrick SO MUCH for this. I've always had such a hard time when people say, she's playing the victim, I just want to say, or maybe she was victimized and is telling the truth about it. Which is nothing to be shamed for.
Omg this my life. Being the rejected I had to find out truth.I feel really good about myself. I have done one year of grieving memories. But it is worth it
Again, thank you so much. I think you’re brilliant and perceptive. The other day someone pulled the phrase on me “it’s a shame people choose to feel bad “( or something to that effect)
It fell down, right horrible. And I didn’t exactly know why and now I do. 👍🙏🏻✔️
Thank you for what you do. It is a journey of healing and you get it.
Patrick, Thank you so much for being that voice 🙏
I would go further and say that therapists that ignore the emotional component of childhood trauma (checking the boxes of "no sexual abuse" , "no physical abuse" and move on) are factually failing their patients in two ways.
First, they harm by implementing the "the world won't change, but you can" dogma (which feels like manipulation or gaslightening); and secondly they prevent an appropriate therapy, by continuing the mainly useless sessions. Often times those sessions last for years, without any significant healing progress. The patient is simply grateful for a "safe space to share their thoughts and feelings", without knowing that the root cause of such thoughts and feelings isn't being addressed.
Thank you again for your insightful videos!
Thank you. You saved my life today. I feel like every time I have a problem, you have a real answer that lets me face the world again. I just scroll until I find it and I’m so grateful I found the one today. I want to feel better and make a real difference like you someday. You deserve a peace prize for ending the war in my head.
16:01 Straight up goofy perspective considering how living with toxicity and having trauma symptoms impacts every facet of life and understand and processing what happened is lifelong work.
This is a great biography style session for people with this stuff to process and heal❤️💔❤️😊 Thank you:)
Not sure why those types of people come on these videos. Telling everyone to buck up. That is weird:/. if we bother them then leave us be. lol😊. It might be trolls cause you are helping people get to the other side of ugly stuff:)
I was actually journaling this morning and I actually told myself that reminding myself how other people have hurt me isnt going to help me I should just get over it and figure out a way to stop seeking pity from others.no one is coming to save me.i should get used to being on my own.😢
I just want to take a second and thank you. I use you in supplement to my regular therapist and you give me the organization i need to talk and think about my past. My therapist says this is a great way to do that and using you as a journaling prompt has helped a great deal.
Opening up to strangers online can be a trap. A limitation of human empathy is that when we don’t fully understand someone’s life experience, we use our own experience to fill in the blanks. The truth is, you can never fully understand someone’s life unless you’ve lived it yourself.
The healingprocess starts the moment you get validated.
I can feel myself being healed while watching this video. Everything you’re saying clicks. I feel seen and heard. Thank you Patrick. As someone with a Grandiose Narcissistic father & a codependent unprotective mother, this is something I really needed to hear.
Years ago we had a 16 y/o on suicide watch in our unit and she shared with me one day while I was making her bed that her father was SA'ing her. I called CPS and other healthcare professionals with specific skill sets to help her and the police became involved as well because of what I put in motion. One of my coworkers, when all this went down, said I overreacted. I said I'd been in her place and I had not overreacted. This woman was about 20 years my senior and I had a lot of respect for her. After I shared that I had been through SA as well she snidely said, "Oh, we've (women) all been SA'd. You should just get over yourself!" with this attitude of immense disgust for me. It hurt me so badly and ngl, for years I kept my mouth shut about my experiences because always in my head I would see her face and hear her voice saying that. The 16 y/o did talk to other people and I never regretted my actions because as a nurse (and a woman and a human being) I was not going to do nothing, that wasn't an option. in this time before the internet though, it was decades before I was able to speak again on my experiences. People can be so arbitrarily cruel. I think about that child still from time to time, I hope that she was able to escape and have a good life.
Thank you. You saved her. I'm so sorry you were treated that way!!
Thank you for this, it is really validating. My family went through a lot of trauma 30 years ago and I still need help processing it. I NEED to talk about it with someone, even if it's not with my family. Therapy has been very helpful to me.
This actually just happened to me :/ I study in another city
I decided to come out as nonbinary in christmas, when I arrived from a 17 hour bus the 1st thing my dad did was cry in front of me cause i was wearing a feminine outfit
He made me feel totally alien, said that I was "lost", that i must be very unhappy and sick, that I made it impossible for him to be happy
The very next day he started saying I should thank him that he didn't put me in the streets, that I was forbidden from telling anyone about being trans, and that he was justified to beat me when i was 13 for finding out I was bissexual
The VERY next day he reunited the family to say I had been his very last water drop, and he would go away to never come back
He didn't return until I got back to university
"impossible for him to be happy".
Your life isn't about making him happy. It's about making you happy.
It's not your problem he's putting responsibility on you. His happiness is his responsibility. In fact, it's him who needs to grow up.
Hold on there! I hope this is a proper phrase. I'm not a native speaker.
Patrick, you always amaze me. Your videos are clear, educational, and full of insight. Thank you! Over the past two years I’ve learned so much from you. You used the phrase “in your head” a few times in this video. My therapist says that phrase too. I don’t think it’s clear to me how to start feeling what my body is telling me instead of my head. I’ve got to work at that.
So much of this is relatable. It took me a many years to acknowledge the abuse I went through, and process the trauma. I am finally healing, but it is never easy when family members or friends belittle or dismiss my feelings when I'm triggered. Thank you so much for making these videos! They are incredibly helpful, and I feel less alone.
My grandson came out as possible gay (his words) over Christmas. He was afraid I'd be disappointed. I gave him a huge hug and told him "I LOVE EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE " AND I do
The worst happened to me when I was a small child, through some techniques I remembered the whole thing, have not recovered but at least I now know something really bad is the cause of my struggles in life, thanks for your videos.
Listening to you is very healthy for me. I am just beginning to understand stepping away from this personality that has for YEARS excepted disrespectful behaviors because it's easier - but long run it isn't. Thank you Patrick
I've had way too many therapists like that student services therapist. It's really common for therapy to go like that.
Whew!!! That comment section… I feel like I’m at dinner with my family (yes, they are THAT bad).
Thank you so much for this one Patrick, I feel so validated and seen by this video (we should call them lectures because they’re more than just TH-cam videos). I feel as though I’m J, and I went through all those stages and now I’m in my mid 30s and I’m barely getting to a place in therapy where I’m truly making progress. I find that all those people telling me to suck it up kept me stuck for so long.
My journey started by watching videos of Buddhist monks, and basically the teaching was to just not take anything personal in life, to be glad about where you are in life (etc). I felt like the amount of abuse I was receiving from my family at that point was not something I could be existentialist about (Oh just let it go, we’re all going to die someday anyway). I wasted a lot of time just trying to meditate the situation away. “The mind is like a monkey, you need to just let those thoughts pass you by and not attach to them”… but if you’re a trauma survivor this is practically impossible!
Thank you so so much Patrick this video was a just phenomenal, I feel so validated and seen.
Incredibly thorough. I don’t think you left a single stone unturned with this one❤
thank u so much for this. it was very validating after witnessing so much invalidation in the extended family and also experiencing it at home with the abusive dad who constantly gaslights with an entourage of eggshell walking enablers.
i recently had an experience with a family member (one of the few i still speak to) that made me realize i will NEVER be accepted because i don't play the role i'm assigned. i will never be loved for being who i am and for the attributed i possess. i will always be the problem. so i decided to start the process of grieving the loss of the family i never had. i decided to stop trying. i decided to quit and sever all bonds and ties that i still have left tethered to those toxic people. it's been more emotional than i anticipated (having done this process before a couple of times) but i wouldn't have it any other way. the part of me that is still trying drains way too much of my energy and prevents my full progression and healing. it's scary but i can't wait to complete this cycle!
i am chinese)to be honest sir your english is soooooooo good i mean your video is such a good pattern for english learning, and learning self recovering at the same time,i cant stop thinking about that ,thanks
As the scapegoat, I’ve always wondered if I was the only one who was physically beaten in my family.
When I moved out all the problems I was blamed for and shamed for one by one fell away. I was in an unhealthy environment. Take that away I started improving in every single department.
I have no words... just thank you! ❤
Thank you Patrick! You made me more conscious and validated me. I spent years in this shaming step after abuses. I nearly died of it, as I attempted suicide many times. I even felt ashamed of my obstination to keep asking for help ("such an attention seeker berserker" and "if they all invalidate you, there might be a reason for it and you're just too weak to hear it"). Your example of J Doe put words onto my experience. You expressed some inner thinking I had. I struggled so hard finding help and still when I got it it was hard. I still don't know about how my future will look like and if there's really an after ir is that just fairy tales, maybe-that's-why-people-never-say-anything-and-stay-in-abuse-because-they-know-there's-nothing-else. It seems like emotional abuse is the common currency in our culture. It kinda feels like having to bring the One Ring to the Mordor: hope is small and I don't know how the result should/would like.
I had a therapist who was a black woman like myself and told me that our mothers were abusive because it’s part of our culture to be. I never felt so invalidated.
People that know the difference of mis treatment & kindness definitely don't want to feel to feel the " stuck feeling ".
I had a “friend “ in college who likes to tell me DAILY she wanted to kill herself. This was after I opened my ears to her issues in the lab I was working in. I did EVERYTHING I could for her, I called the crisis counselor, I told the professor I was working for, she didn’t do a DAMN thing any of them told me to Tell her! She just kept coming in the the class we had together and saying “I was going to kill myself this morning “! She also dated a guy I had known for 6 years, and she complained about HIM constantly! I eventually just told her, “I cant help you”! She was distracting my WORK my classes and my friendships! And she actually gave me HECK for saying to someone else that she was suicidal and needed HELP! She DUMPED her trauma ON ME and distracted me IMMENSELY from many many things! I knew her only a few MONTHS!
This definitely isn't what Patrick is talking about in this video.
This is awful and you did the right thing. It sucks you had to deal with that. I hope you have the ability to know you did all you could and wish her true healing.
That sounds like something someone with BPD would do 😢
@@handkmommy I know she had relatable ISSUES that is why I liked her! And both of us were improving our lives and moving forward! It’s just the way she handled her life at that moment seemed very one sided! I wanted a friend BADLY! I just felt too much pressure to drop EVERYTHING and help HER!
You’ve saved my life. Thank you an uncountable number of times for your life, your work, and your impact. You Kanye best.
my older sibling moreso fits this story and I was the neutral youngest sibling that began to relate more and more as I grew up and secretly had my own problems. this story is like a mixture of ours and I often tell myself to stop playing the victim when my sibling had it worse
I was really shocked last week to see leading ADHD specialist Russell Barkley say in a recent video something like that there’s a epidemic of victim mentality in society at the moment. He was talking about how ADHD is not caused by trauma (a response to Gabor Mate’s statements). Some people like me have ADHD and also have complex trauma and it can be hard to know which is which. His comment really threw me.
what you said at the end was really affirming. yes that’s what we want to hear and i wish you’d continue to talk about that more- understanding- it’s what the best clinicians do- saying of course you’re experiencing this because you didn’t get this this or this…. that’s basic understanding of human development yet so rare.
Some good information here thank you for sharing 👍
There is a truth in the wider sense that if you replay and speak about your problems over and over this isnt helpful and help people get stuck. Talking therapy isnt helpful for everyone. EMDR therapy has good success rates.
Thank you for this video. It describes my unfortunate experience. Watching it validates what I went through.
With my abuser seeking help *was* equated to seeking attention and was classified as selfish.
I am struggling with this idea, too, not so much lately, but still... I find your videos very helpful and your perspective on anything very accurately studied. Thank you!
Triggered at 8:30 with the "no parent would have a graceful reaction the news their child announcing that." So false. I have three adult children. At any time had they or should they come to me with news regarding their gender or sexuality, I will be responding gracefully and with love and full support and active listening, learning, and understanding. I've been slapped as an adult by my NPD mother and it's so humiliating. I didn't stand up enough and later she slapped my daughter at my brother's wedding. My daughter was five. I have never forgiven myself for letting it get that far. That is what finally woke me up and finally stopped my magical thinking.
I later discovered my brother (golden child and now very serious and increasing alcoholic) is not safe either and has been covertly acting against me and my kids my entire adulthood. He admitted to me he was holding a grudge that I left before he did and didn't stay at home with him to protect him. Wow. I was a minor and had the opportunity to leave. I was a girl, severely trapped and isolated/controlled (he had freedom, friends, a vehicle which I was never allowed), I had sexual abuse ignored multiple times ages 5-12, and was the scapegoat for her rage and jealousy. He did have it rough too. But I was in survival mode and he seemed to be the good kid (I now know better) that she told me herself she loved differently because he was her real kid (I was adopted). I now wish I'd pressed charges against her for slapping my daughter (I didn't even know I could back then) and I no longer have a relationship with my brother. I finally respect myself and my children helped me do that. We are all healing and keeping a very long, safe distance from all that madness and that has made a huge difference in my peace, sanity, and joy.
And yep, still get triggered. Just recover quicker and more gracefully most of the time and sometimes just have to forgive myself for doing the best I can at the time. Reserves matter. Thresholds matter. Boundaries matter. Perceived safety (equal to the very valid emotional safety) matters.
Living in a world of ongoing invalidation of toxic oppression and injustice for survivors of emotional, sexual, financial, and physical abuse is not easy. And so it goes on. People aren't "evil or good" anymore. They are either "safe or unsafe for me at this time". TBD on whether they ever will be but if not, that's okay. I let people earn my trust and friendship now. I feel much safer and have more room to write, do well in school, and be there for my adult kids and maybe even future grandchildren (whom I will never, EVER slap or treat maliciously or without the utmost care). If anything, my issue will be spoiling them with love. But that's what grandparents should be for. ;)
Society really needs this message through a megaphone right now. Thank you. Actual, real genuine compassionate advice and insight.
the way the therapist gaslit him like just another source of more abuse in his life and yet the sad thing is that shit actually happens reminds me of school counselors i would go to
Thank you so much 💓 I will have to watch again.
You’re doing such amazing work. So grateful to be watching your videos. They feel so validating. ❤
My sister in law told me one day I should just "move on" cause there is nothing I can do about the past anymore. She never asked me what has happened to me. Not interested in my story. I just had go forget asap and act "normal".
Thank you for this channel. Tysm. My therapist sent me your link. I’m literally subscribing after typing my comment.
THANK YOU!
This was a really great video. Articulated things I've noticed but have a hard time putting to words. Thank you.
Holy cow this was so brutal to listen to cause my first ever therapist ALSO tried to convince me to reconcile with the person who has harmed me repeatedly.
This video was so helpful. I try to do all these things and it’s only ever temporary 😢 I really do just want to be okay and happy and at peace, and not feeling like I’m in fight or flight all the time.
Uggh thank you so much for addressing the 12-step community cognitive distortions. I'm 23 years sober and I spent 19 of those years trying to 12-step my way through my C-PTSD (because I didn't know any better). The conditioning in the program is that if you work your steps correctly, all of that "childhood stuff" goes away. Even now, people say the dumbest stuff in meetings when they're not trauma-informed. And then there's all the New Age people- which is a direction a lot of people in recovery go when they are seeking a God of their understanding- who tell us that our feelings are a choice based on our thoughts, and we just need to change our thinking and elevate our vibrations. Arrrggghhhhh.
Thank you for your assessment.
This video helped tremendously! Helped me find some of the answers that I've been looking for for a long time. Thank you. Wish I could like a video twice or something
Patrick!! You just described my story! Minus the difference in sexual orientation and my being the golden child turned scapegoat in the absence of the scapegoat. I have a disability and I'm only now (at 35) doing the cut off amid so many difficulties. Your content is truly touching and helpful. Thank you!
Thank you Patrick!
❤this one hit really hard . It really makes me think that I’m gonna have to love my family from a distance forever .
I like all of your videos but this one hit hard. Thank you for your help and support and energy to put these solutions out there.
A forty-five minutes (ish) video helped so much.
I took notes.xx
The comment about families with low emotional intelligence and not trusting outsiders hit me like a ton of bricks 😭 I always feel bad about seeking help for my anxiety issues and dissociation (and possible OCD) but I don’t want to call my family abusive bc I love them and know they love me. I also worry that I’m inadvertently making my sister a scapegoat by calling her a narcissist or talking to my mom about her when she’s being unreasonable. I don’t want to get into my whole family dynamic but I see some similarities and I feel horrible about it because I don’t want to make people think my family is horrible when they’re not. Idk that’s word vomit but idk where to end this…
So informative. Thank you for clearing out the toxic positivity and the shaming done to the ones seaking for healing. Love your videos.
An EXCELLENT case study, Patrick. Your wisdom & channel age like a fine wine.