I do not like my anger. It is nasty. Year ago, I felt so run over by so many people with no knowledge of boundaries, being highly sensitive, and knowing that i was being abused, so it felt like temper fits were the only thing I had to fight back. Of course that only gave the abusers something to deflect to and use against me. But reactive habits are hard to break. I am working hard and making progress. Right now, I just have to have patience with myself. I am so much better than I was two years ago when I first started listening to Dr. Carter.
Congratulations to your progress!🎉🎉🎉 Reactive habits are really hard to break because you have to have awareness, needing lots of breath and willpower. Stay strong, take care and best wishes on your healing journey 🙏💛🙏
I totally understand where you’re at. You’ve described me. Reactive habits are so difficult to break. It almost seems like it is just automatic and before you know it, you’ve done it. Afterward, I ask myself why I couldn’t behave in a different way after reacting to my narcissist. How I wish I could break the habit. I’m working on it.
I'm in this club, you're not alone. Sending big hugs and reminders we can only work on ourselves and can't control others responses. Knowing this has lifted the weight from others, so we can begin to work on lightening our own and be healthier individuals. Being highly sensitive can be an incredible gift. I watched a documentary last night called "Sensitive, the Untold Story" and I highly recommend it for you. Alanis Morisette is in it as well!
🎉Absolutley with you! Let’s you/me/us Keep moving forward and celebrate every single motion forward-and own but not camp out at the places we fail. It is steady progress that will lead you/us towards greater freedom from unhealthy anger. Praying hard for us all. And completely hopeful! 😄
I learned very quickly not to ask questions or answer questions from a narcissist. All you'll get is rage on either side whether the issue has anything to do with you or not!!!😊
And we have a natural urge to hang on to the family connection. So many of us have absorbed the idea that family is forever, that you don't turn your back on your family, that in the end family are the only people you can really count on. It's a shock to finally admit that that's not universally true. We tolerate abuse from family members that we'd never put up with from people we're dating, or co-workers or just strangers, because we have this feeling that it's disloyal to reject a family member.
Thank ya, questions, the community is my strength in a little way, to know how good traits or supposed to be, yea stay on track, the war on drugs, the war, on man, linda, the war, being ugly to a family member, it bites, go team healthy, this is my grateful class, the webinar, thank ya, for letting me join, yesterday, Aaron, is cool, the family is cool, man, im so thankful, going to war in the mind,not healthy, and yea, the way, im not supposed, to freak out, you add nuts ,drugs, and full-blown narcissist, i tripped bad, ugly, you folks, can almost save me, to be, hec, i beat myself up, im already nuts, and finally going mad on a family member, im dead, my Doctor sends me peace, dont be ugly, me and my narcissist is supposed to be stable people, but this monkey, man, feed me to the dogs, but my Doctor needs us to have peace in the mind, the webinar, is mines to keep, im going to try to be cool, im just thankful for the help, our family, love is here linda, you did enough ugly, hec i seen it again the robot child, i was ugly, we need to be stable, this family is not funny, strength is here for me, my narcissist needs stable, and man especially me, something has got to give, yea these traits is easy if you feed ugly
I think that it's when you have to "sit" on the anger and not be able to express those emotions, that they build up inside of you and cause the most damage. I was so afraid of letting lose on my narcissist and more than anything I wanted to give her the "what for" she deserved. But my son and I were homeless and I knew that if I said too much, she had the power to hurt us in more ways than we were already hurting. So I learned how to walk on eggshells, not saying too much when she'd come home from work, sneering at me because she'd had a bad day or she'd gotten mad with somebody at her church and decided to take out her frustrations on me. All of that suppression, all of that pent up anger (at her outrageously childish behavior), just exploded one day and landed me in a hospital for an extended stay. Now that I'm in recovery there are still days when I struggle with post traumatic stress, which takes days or weeks to recover from. How long does it take to get over the things that a narcissist does to you? I wish I could find an answer..
The amount of time it will take you to heal depends on too many factors for anyone to pin down a time. That said, I think it's years. You can't rush it, and you'll need help. Educate yourself, find a therapist who does EMDR, journal, grieve, do things that bring you joy, etc. It doesn't just "take as long as you let it." There is work you must do that no one can do for you, but it does also simply take tiiiiiiime for that pent-up stress to come out and for healing to take place. Be patient with yourself, and love yourself.
I am pleased to say my gas-lighting detector is now up and running and firmly in place. It came into effect twice this week and I was able to navigate both situations effectively without any anguish. What a nice change that was. One situation was with my doctor regarding an operation that went wrong and the other when I returned a faulty pair of shoes. I called them both out and made them sort it out. As soon as my gas-lighting radar was triggered I stopped listening and started strongly voicing my expectations and I even spoke straight over the top of both of them. I am so pleased. In the past I would have accepted their crap and my situations would have been unresolved. Education is a powerful tool. Keep up the good work Dr. C
It is so hard to deal with an adult narc, while he or she is not but a 5-year-old child with a tantrum. Thanks a million Dr. Carter for all your knowledge, efforts and time 🙏
@@malwads1836Im dealing with my 80 year Old Narc Mother as she ages now and things are the same as when I was a child. Sending sympathies to you from a fellow Narc victim too
Narcissist anger is always a child’s tantrum. I also call it “getting on the train” at full speed - they raise their voice, don’t let get in a word - talk over you, need to control, of course they are NEVER at fault or wrong for anything, in the anger lash, demean, criticize, hurt - anything to bring you down. Not to mention their anger if you confront them in their lie - yikes - what an explosion.
I’ve been verbally brutalized for the last time. I don’t deserve it. I’m the last person she needs to push away, and yet, she does it every year! She gets ready to ‘snowbird’ and baits us into arguments so she can feel better about leaving us/me. And yeah, when I drop her at the airport, I’m glad to be out from under her for 4 months.
Great comment! That’s exactly what happens with my ex. He is like an 8 yr old not getting what he wants then it turns nasty and ugly with every word he spews!
My narc became furious because we had to stand in line at a social function. He made everyone uncomfortable around him, and then he left, leaving me there on my own. After the event he came back to collect me. All the way home in the car he screamed at me and accused me of F ing other men. This happens a lot. I'm past the stage of being hurt by him. Now I am just biding my time while I set up my escape.
Their darkness (secrets, lies, envy, jalousy etc.) tends to be their superpower!!! One person can poison a whole family system but mostly there are more than just one, unfortunately 😢 By the way, lovely picture of your camp in nature❣
@Surviving Narcissism Dr. Les Carter, I am so grateful you survived your accident. You have saved so many victims and I hope you know how appreciated you are. Thank you for sharing and for not only Leading The Team but also being On The Team. Thank you Miguel
Volunteer in developing countries and you will forever be imprinted with the "community versus individual" way of life. "Developed counties" have so much to learn. Thank you, Dr. C., for your emotion and authenticity regarding the Miguel Spotify story, and in general here. Bravo. And to Miguel and you for choosing to lead by classy, humble, gracious and gentle example, and despite your own suffering. Cheers.
The man who abused me for years would claim that my mental issues made him snap. I think it can be hard for an outsider to know 100% sure of who is being abused and who is playing victim. Honestly, when I was living with him, sometimes I thought he was right. I started to believe that I was a bipolar control freak that no one wanted to be around. Its hard to know who I really am at times. Sometimed when Im at a low point, I find myself thinking all of the things he said are true.
@hopegardens I am the same way. I start to think I am the way he used to criticize me. But, remember you are NOT what he said. You are the EXACT OPPOSITE! You are doing good now by educating yourself on their personality disorder. If we only knew sooner! So much time wasted. ❤Hang in there!
@hopegardens My Heart goes out to You! I hope You're free of him now. I dated a narc for 4mos. And by the time I ghosted her she was starting to convince me of the same things about myself as well. She kept me emotionally of balance, and always told me that I had to grow up, and figure out better ways to regulate my emotions. Even though she was far more emotionally led than I was. She weaponized my own insecurities against me so I would question my own self worth. And she used shaming language to overrun my boundries and manipulate me even against my own principles. I cannot express to You the freedom I felt when I realized I was not responsible for her happiness. And it was around the same time that I began to understand that I could never make her happy no matter how much I did for her, or how well I executed any task to help her. despite her efforts to isolate me from my loved ones, she failed. Throughout the relationship, I kept my loved ones up to date staying very open with them so they had as much information they could. And later on, that became a critical factor in my escape. They were the ones who woke me up to her tactics and from the emotional haze I was in. This may sound naïve, but I had no ulterior motives in any way when I dealt with her. I had good intentions the entire time. I actually went out of my way to gain her trust(something I later learned would be impossible for anyone anyway) I'm glad it only lasted 4mos., she was really starting to convince me that I was unlovable, and that I had no value. And I'm so thankful to my support network for helping me understand the exact opposite.
@@PetekDemircioglu-ci1lh That's true! My narc ex gf constantly overran my boundries, and shamed the hell out of me whenever I held to my principles. Dr. Les Carter (Surviving Narcissism channel on YT) put it very aptly: ' The narcissist seeks to empty you of yourself, and fill You with themselves.' Not an exact quote, but You get the idea.
I kept my anger inside and suppressed for 50+ years at horrible treatment by my n mom( and dysfunctional fam) and it resulted in hbp, sadness and eventually a small stroke. I am now no contact. In hindsight, expressing my anger at the treatment probably would have led me to nc earlier. I would have been out the other side and working towards a happier existence . Unfortunately, societal values and parental gaslighting kept me suffering inside myself. In hindsight people outside the fam(teachers,friends,relatives) tried to gently encourage me, but I was terrified of backlash from the nc.
Edit….I was convinced my anger was proof of my badness ( the no was right). I would silently pray that God would help me be a better person. If your own mother didn’t love you,hated you ( she told me this several times), then you obviously ARE a horrible person😢
Cindy, I’m right there with you! My kids see my mom for what she is and they luckily get to go away, and live their lives without contact. I’m tired of it all! She’s a master manipulator, control-freak, CPAN, with all the power and I’m stuck here…don’t get stuck! If you have an out…TAKE IT!
You are a good man. A decent human being. I started watching your video's a few days back and your wisdom and how human being's should conduct themselves ,l think we can all learn so much..God bless you. I am so grateful for your decency. It's inspiring ❤
What if you NEED to talk about something and they don’t want to talk? Do you just drop it and never get any answers? I tend to ruminate on things until I have an answer and things are solved.
I had things I thought I NEEDED my my spouse to answer or explain. When I learned that no answer or explanation would ever happen, I chose to live my life as if they were of no consequence, or as if they were not even there. It prepared me for the post-discard time when they actually weren’t. It opened up a whole world of travel and experiences when the only person who could tell me “No” was me.
I can't tell you how many times I have snapped. All the lies, cheating, calling me crazy, saying I'm telling stories, when I'm telling the actual truth. Being compared to other women all the time. The push and pull back and forth drove me crazy too. The excuses and not feeling validated at all too. It's hard not react after being treated like shit all the time.
I must say, I do empathise with the "difficult man, with the bitter wife, who loves therapy". I know this situation. It is difficult when your husband receives narcissistic supply from therapist, you pay the bill and he tells you how the therapist says you need to move on from the pain of his continuing neglect and abuse. Thank you for the videos. Hugs to Gus and the family xxx
My adult son asked me not to come to his wedding because is mother, my narc ex, asked if I mind not going to his wedding - it would make his mother uncomfortable. So since it's his wedding, I said it was his call. Of course I was sad but I didn't go. Meanwhile , at the wedding, they told people they couldn't believe I didn't attend my own son's special day. They're each one of those of people.
I think that reflecting on one's anger is much more helpful than venting. Observing emotions while experiencing them as well. When interacting with the narcissist in real time one can do this spontaneously. "He or she is saying or doing this" and then now my response will be "X" INSTEAD of reacting. Interestingly, there's recognition that you are in control of YOUR responses (independent) of the person's irrational conduct! Our actions are separate from theirs and NOT what is projected upon us. Listening and observing absent mirroring it. 😉
I missed the live! Hi from New Mexico. Big shift and irony. I received my ex's SS! It came very fast. My life review has deep learning and gratitude. Karma seems real when dealing with a covert. Don't assume things will always be bad. He caused his own death and I have compassion and am deeply grateful for the support now.
1 way or another all narcs pay for their terrible behavior sooner or later... There's an EXTREMELY high price to be paid when you live like that & even 💰 won't 🛡️ you from the consequences in the end😬.
You’ve nailed it yet again Matthew. You’ve distilled the real essence and complexity of these relationships and why it’s so hard to leave whilst also providing practical help on managing the internal dialogue. Thank you. You’re a star and a genius!
My worst fear now that I’m out of it is snapping at abusive males in public settings & it’s sometimes to defend others… I just react but understand there’s a better way to handle it. If I could only count enough deep breaths & walk away it would end better probably but it’s not that easy to do!
With that stubborn temperamental argumentative competitive narcissist, respond your disagreement blandly once ONLY ONCE (don’t react with emotion ) and that’s it - then STUBBORN silence 🤫 - you “won” because that narcissist didn’t get narcissistic supply from you (your emotional reaction against that narcissist) - that constant lack of narcissistic supply and codependent dance leads to narcissistic collapse of the narcissist You gotta be strong on the inside to respond don’t react and gray rock 🪨 and be assertive and authentic in front of a narcissist (yes it’s “exhausting “ but it’s worth it ) Living or interacting with a narcissist in a healthy assertive way will be the fight of your life because narcissists unconsciously and consciously hates assertiveness and truth and authenticity
* No Pleading, no Coaxing, no Convincing * No JADE (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining) * No DEEP (Defending, Engaging, Explaining, Personalising)
@@SurvivingNarcissism better late than never. I made those mistakes for decades, but the past is done. I keep recommending your video Calm Confidence to learn how not to.
I have been going through a very painful discard and divorce from my narcissistic wife of 27 years. Your podcasts, videos and books have helped me immensely in healing from her verbal and emotional abuse. Thank you, Les!
My narcissistic ex wife just inflicted the punish stage upon me by taking away my cat, stealing away the only thing I had left, knowing the damage it would cause me under the guise of it "being her right" because of legal owner ship- which is true, but after almost two years of it not being something she'd do, now, after I started healing, she chose to strike. I fear what may come next, because I have nothing left, yet I remain fearful. Thanks to team Healthy for being my compassionate compass through all of this ❤
My two rescued cats save me daily ❤️🩹 we even have an outside cat who comes for food as well as company ❤ plz don’t get down now but turn that most recent betrayal around & adopt an older cat who will appreciate you❣️
@keplermission4947 this isn't a very kind thing to say. Some people are very attached to animals and love them as much or maybe more than some people.
MY big take away from yesterday was accomodation is dishonest. Yes, I lose my temper at times when something nasty happens. Much better now at staying calm and away from those who trigger me. Clean anger speaking from MY feelings, not projecting can help me get clear.
I agree with what you said about accomodation being dishonest... it's not loving, either - to yourself or the person you're accommodating. Praying for God's very best as you continue in your healing journey. Thanks so much for sharing, because it's so helpful for the rest of us who are struggling in the same way. Selah. Shallom.
My father and older brother were narcissists. Since I was adopted I never developed a sense of self, an identity. I also was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my late teens, early twenties. The narcs really transferred all of their shame and dysfunction onto me. I’ve had a lot of trouble in my life with self image and self esteem.
I've learned to keep calm and ask them questions about their declarations, i.e., "Why do you feel that way?", "What made you come to that conclusion?" I've gotten complete silence in those moments, or they get so ticked that they can't control and manipulate that they stomp off or leave the room. I keep on topic because they will convolute the conversation with emotionally charged statements and "bunny trails" to try and throw you off balance emotionally and to try and get you to forget what the core of the conversation is about. This is especially true when confronting them and holding them accountable. They LOVE to say, "You, you, you, you..." It's your fault they made the decisions they made. It's your fault that they are experiencing the uncomfortable consequences of their actions, and they are going to make you pay for it.
Been there with my narcissistic father basically my entire life or since I was 20yrs old I’m now 52. The older he gets the worse he is. He’s ALWAYS TALKING NEGATIVE ABOUT SOMEONE, ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE FAULT. He does the thing that created the problem yet he’ll talk like someone else did it & it’s their fault. It’s completely wrong & mind blowing. I have NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO EXPRESS MY TRUE THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS OUT OF FEAR OF BEING HURT/Consequences..
This was so helpful! Thank you Dr. C. My Dad loves to insult me, especially infront of anyone he's trying to impress, ie. my kids. It got so bad, that I made a rule. That when Mom says it's "Time to go." We GO. No questions, No complaints, we leave. That worked. Our vists were shorter with Grampa. But he got the idea after a while. ❤
Dr.C do narcissists realize that you might see how fake they are whenever they put on that mask & love-bomb other people like neighbors for example right in front of you?Or do they just kind of forget about this possibility because they're so fixated on getting narcissistic supply from a different potential source?My narcissist dad has always been really nice toward people outside of the house but treated my mom & I like dirt🤢.Thanks for your time.
Narcissists have such anger issues, because they are rotten from the inside. They are deeply insecure and have never come to terms with their inner issues, which they are constantly projecting onto you so that they can feel relief from the outside.
Bless you, Dr. C 💜 While adversity is certainly tough, it also can forge us into better humans. I always liked the analogy of fire strengthening steel. So glad you had a friend there when you needed it. Thanks again for all you do for us!
@@SurvivingNarcissism My N Husband has been controlling and hard to live with for 12 years, but now in July he has proclaimed himself single and leaves the home day or night to be with his girlfriend. I can't get him to leave! Now I'm facing having to sell the house and all possessions to rid myself of this. If I can get him to do that. What a mess. Your videos and a couple of good friends get through the day! Pamela of SE Oklahoma
@@HarryBarker-yp1xv Yes this is a difficult situation to deal with. I moved with my husband to Oklahoma in 2016. I have no family here. Now I face moving again. May you have peace in the future. Pamela of SE Oklahoma
@@danielkaiser8971 Nice to here from someone in Oklahoma. I'm about 3 hours away. Thank goodness for special people like Dr. Carter. These videos keep me sane while dealing with my narcissistic husband. Pamela of SE Oklahoma
Thank you Dr Carter for this valueable subject of the anger between you and the Narcissist. This really hits home literally for unfortunately my whole family system has so many anger issues and communication is either yelling or silent treatment or triangulation or critizism. Thank you for the tip of writing down your triggers, which might be very helpful. Your book "The Anger Trap" I started once but the letters were so small and so I decided to read "In Sheep's Clothes" from your collegue first. My grandfather mother's side and my grandmother father's side were both tyrants, dominating everyone with their harshness behind closed doors.
I just watched your spotify podcast about Miguel - and I have to say I was moved to tears and so very GRATEFUL for your willingness to share about this very vulnerable time in your life and how very impactful Miquel's time in your life was... I agree with you in thinking he could very well have been an angel in disguise (smile)... what a touching story and VERY inspirational and empowering... brings new hope and strength to carry on in doing what's right in a very hurtful world... one person really CAN and DOES make a huge difference! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. C.
... and so are you (smile)... thanks so much for holding up the torch and standing for righteous, healing behavior in the midst of a world that is so lacking in both. Your reward in heaven for standing the test of time here on earth, will be massive, I'm sure. @@SurvivingNarcissism
Wow! Unfortunately this figured highly in the raising of our children. Superior all knowing doctor husband had all the answers for “normal”. Disrespect was “normal”. And in fact the motto he gave my oldest daughter was ‘you are better than everyone else “ including his wife and her mother. Now he can’t understand why she dumped her best friends and mother and father. My authority in our home was totally undermined by his superior knowledge. It is still a constant fight.
I’m so glad you addressed the topic of the narcissistic grandparent. The scenario presented is identical to what we’re dealing with now and have recently gone no contact with my dad and his covert narc wife and wow, if I thought the narcissistic rage was bad when it was just me, it’s on a whole other level now that it involves my child who seems to be nothing more than a pawn in their narc scheme with grandiosity and manipulation disguised as “love”. I’m sure there’s no shortage of topics in the narcissistic arena but if you have the opportunity to cover this predicament in more depth I would be so appreciative!
I am okay with venting and anger. No human emotion should be off limits. No emotion is wrong or bad in my mind. Its how you decide to use them that is when a problem can arise, if you are not being responsible and accountable for your actions. I like that you point out if someone didn't have anger in some situations that it would be odd. Anger is sometimes a very appropriate response and sometimes the only response that will get someone to stop, but some people like to take revenge on someone who gets angry. Anger lets you know that you do not like a situation and you are at your limit and its time to make some changes. I do my best to have anger be the last resort when solving disputes. I think venting can be very helpful instead of bottling everything up inside. Sometime you are being taken advantage of and when you vent you have the opportunity to get feedback. I've had friend who confided in me things and they didn't realize it was abuse until they vented. Venting to a person you trust and value their opinion can be helpful in my opinion. Because bottling up can lead to snapping when you don't want to snap and for me when I didn't have a safe person to vent to it lead to panic attacks for me. But venting and complaining but never taking action for serious things is a problem for me... I'm an action person so when friends complain or vent about the same thing over and over but do nothing to change it... that's when I personally have a problem. But only when it is about serious things not like: ugh they put mayo on my burger, the kids outside my apartment are being so loud while playing, I'm getting motion sick... etcetera. Then you have some people who just get angry at everything I can't handle those kinds of people. As much as I believe anger is an important emotion... I do think its one that should happen rarely (unless living with an abusive person or dealing with a messed up situation). Knew a man who would get angry over the weirdest and smallest thing, he had a lot of unhappiness in his life and I think he impulsive nature caused him to just lean into his anger... I could tolerate being around him at first but after a while it was just ridiculous. Edited to add: Not sure where I heard this from, but your reaction to their abuse does not make you abusive, if you snap in anger good chance that it was an appropriate response, you may regret getting angry because they use it as a 'got you' game where they trigger your anger just so that they can call you a horrible person... when they started it in the first place.
That's where I made the mistake with my son Unknownly letting my mother raise him. She wanted to raise him. Maybe it was a way to control. Now. I think so
I get so angry because I get yelled at consistently, however if I don't engage it seems to make him angry, , why would someone want that reaction from a person that they claim to care sooo much about, I don't get it, never wrong and states that frequently, must be nice to know that you're never wrong eh, fantastic place to be I'm guessing, anyhow I found that I self destruct and I'm almost in the poor house, but then I feel like it'd be a lovely relief to be destitute, but I know inherently it's not, but then nobody would want anything from me
I had to suppress the anger many times. He would always get louder and nastier, and this was a guy who caused me to have to have my scalp stapled together once.
If getting your scalp stapled back together is not enough to tell U to get out & end it then I'm sorry. Don't choose to die at his hands & don't expect things will get better. He's not going to change, other than increasing violence on U. It's up to U to change U & get out if U want to live● 🙏 🙏 🙏
I was just thinking about what you said about "venting" and I'd just like to add that in my own life, it has to be coupled with self reflection and being willing and able to take ownership of my own faults and failures - keeping the right balance between the two can be somewhat challenging, though, and that's why it's good to have a friend or therapist to be your sounding board, to help keep you on track... someone who knows your tendencies toward things like self condemnation or the need to blame yourself for your failures, as well as the failures of your abuser.
If a victim of narc abuse feels anger starting to get to an unmanageable level they need to seek help. If you act on that anger you are no better than the narc. I believe my narc sister who was caring for our elderly narc mother physically abused her. The hospital suspected it but not enough evidence. I hired home care, my sister fired them. I went to help with home care and sister told me I was not welcome. I tried to phone to give verbal support and she blocked me. I know my narc mom could be maddening but seek help before beating a 90 year old.
Mine has been a 20 year journey. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family..My father was distant and cold , an alcoholic. My mother was more overt ..Mum improved as she got older. Mum and Dad died within three months of each other. Little did l know just how bad things would become. My two remaining sister's have families ( grown up now) .One sister is overt and the other covert..It's been horrible. No empathy or love. Just cruelty. Some of the stuffs is unbelievable. I was in a coma with severe bilateral pneumonia a few years back and my health has declined..Nobody has helped. It's been difficult to come to terms with. I feel anger. I want to scream at those disgusting human beings. The best thing.....GET AWAY From their evil behaviours..No contact
I so very very much appreciate you & your wisdom Dr. C!! I have decided to adopt you as my father, the father I never had & the father that is the perfect role model of what a father looks like & feels like in my heart. My inner child absolutely adores you & I feel so blessed to finally have such a splendid father figure that I can learn from & put into practice the thoughtful guidance that you are blessing me & so many others with. I just can’t thank you enough how much you have helped me in so many ways… I feel so much gratitude for you & (Gus) & wanted to reach out & let you know how appreciative I am for you sharing so much comfort & wisdom with me. 🙏
be angry and sin not... feel the anger and make a wise decision about how to act. knowing a wise decision is the game plan of maturity. acting as an adult often takes time because we were raised, surrounded by and modeled very immature people.
Dr.C, I’m dealing with my entire family of origin plus their children( nieces , nephews) Since going no contact with my highly N mother my siblings dropped me and support her, knowing full well what she’s done to all of us ( her children) Almost two years now and they even have ignored my children’s bdays , as well as my 50th last January. ( not that I care just shows their game) They never stop trying to hurt . Yet I’m not in contact. I’ve done my best at remaining peaceful , silent and grey rock. They’re bullies, and it effects my children now. How will this effect my own kids? Ages 31, 18 and 14. I have been very careful not to talk badly in-front of them yet they have their own opinions, which are fully supportive to me and have seen all their abuse for years. Will they be bitter , or will they have learned well ? I just want them to be ok. Thanks DrC for you continued help ❤
Your kids need Mom (you) to explain kindly why this has happened. You don't have to be bitter in your explanation, but just explain why you have chosen a very different path, and invite them to join you. This could become one of many such discussions. It's your leadership opportunity.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you, that’s exactly what I Have been doing. You continue to be a very strong informative platform for me, and so many others, thank you for this 🙏🏻❤️
I just listened to the podcast. It made me cry right with you. What a journey you went through and the blessing of Miguel. There are many good people out there. As survivors of Narcissistic abuse let's shed that negative influence and bring back our true selves. Use our kindness to help others. Pamela of SE Oklahoma
Thank you for sharing your story about Miguel on the podcast. I remember you mentioned him in a past video which showed a photograph of you in the hospital bed and Miguel next to the bed. I didn't recognize you at age 26 with dark brown hair. I am so glad you had that experience. I believe your life would have been completely different otherwise, and therefore so would mine and everyone else's here. Maybe he really was an angel. Maybe you were his protégé.
I can remember that photograph as well, watched that video a lot of months ago because he mentioned that this was truly one of his favourite videos because of Miguel, his life savior and mentor. And yes, the hair was different - decades ago we all looked a bit different, didn't we?😉
Getting something out of your system doesn't change your directions. Its like an alcoholic saying that drinking a bottle of vodka is going to get the need out of the system. Sure it might work for that moment but that need will rise again. Only finding another healthier way to meet that need is going to put you in a better direction.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and intelligence for those of us who attempt to keep a peaceful, positive and respectful environment, despite the underlying problems which often include anger. “Don’t talk to me like that anymore,” in a calm voice has worked well so far and in the moment. My time listening to your management skills is well worth it!
Dr. C my father passed away in May of 2022. He was my mothers flying monkey always making excuses for her horrible behavior. They both acted crazy and said some very damaging things to me, my husband, my brother, his wife, and even some of the grandchildren. She spent the last year telling everyone that she was affected more so than any of us by his death because he was her husband, totally invalidating all of our feelings of losing our father. She is now dating (she claims they are just friends, but she’s admitted kissing him) her neighbor and even brushes us off to take his phone calls on her cellphone. Is it normal for a narcissist parent when they lose their flying monkey to move on so fast? Our heads are spinning and we are not yet over losing our dad. I have researched but never found any advice on this.
I don't know of any research either, but my experience tells me that many narcissists (being needy for supply) will move fast to get the next person in line.
[10:20] Re: "Venting for venting's sake"...Oh my goodness, Dr. C!!!!!! You are SO RIGHT about this! Having gone to the Rader Inst., back in the 90's and a Christian Therapy (both helpful in some respects), both using bataka (or sometimes, plastic kids' baseball) bats to disperse the anger, but NOT knowing how to Process the anger or express it in a healthy manner, has kept me from healthy relations with the people that I love. Even in watching your, 'Covert Narcissism and Post Traumatic Stress Webinar Promo 1', & 'A Narcissistic Provoke-Then-Accuse Game', realized that I STILL am PETRIFIED of confrontation and ANY sort of Conflict. Which [I am so grateful that] when you said, "Conflict is simply going to happen and we're not always going to think the same and you know how you manage that, is going to tell us a whole lot about who you are from the inside out." When you said that, tears came to my eyes, and I started to lovingly rub my upper left arm, and said, "I'm so sorry, honey." And then, "This hurts". Thank you, again, Dr. Carter for pulling back [yet another] layer. My rage is not healthy. It serves no purpose, only leaves me more confused and distressed that that kind of anger could come out of me. Through an emotional flashback [years ago], I realized that I was not allowed to get angry. Needing to learn how to address it on a day-to-day basis ("Healthy life skills") is so eye-opening and enlightening. Thank you. You are a blessing...
Dr Carter's advice on how to end an argument is excellent. It's timely for us here in Australia where the country is divided on voting yes for an Aboriginal Voice to Parliament I am very weary about talking about it because I feel the no voters are so mean spirited. I try to steer clear and not get pulled in. I also get very upset.
I am also in Australia and am very upset. I am the only one in my family of narcissists to vote yes. The one nephew I thought had some humanity voted no. I am very depressed about it all.
. Sometimes, you have to lose everything, to stand up against wrong . That's just the way it is . Keep your head, it won't be here forever . Keep fighting for right, when you are smoothed by wrong . Fight a good Fight, for righteousness sake . God bless you, don't give up . ~ hard life (MULDEW) .
47:57 I have been very open with some of my feelings with my husband since things have become so stressed. I take ownership for ways I have contributed to our dysfunction, because in a relationship, it takes two to make a problem. Every time… And I mean every time… I do this, he lights into me. He will tell me, I’m toxic, I’m a liar and gaslighting. I didn’t even know what gaslighting was! I had to look it up. That is not me! Why is it that when I’m trying to help us work on issues he tells me what a terrible person I am? It makes me not want to work on my relationship, and it makes me not trust him. How can I talk to him about problems that we have in our relationship without being attacked? He doesn’t say that I can be toxic, I can be a liar, I can gaslight… He tells me that I am these things. He’s not attacking behaviors, he’s attacking me.
The first Two times it happened I did engage with him (son) I don't know how I came to the conclusion that it made me feel terrible. I felt awful. So I just at first who cares but now it's whatever mostly no reaction
Agree especially about venting. I used to react episodically with screaming. I now think narc ex got a sense of power from it. When I realized what was really happening, that there was malicious intent, I was able to redirect it constructively. Before I did not understand what was going on with that person. If I asked him why he did that he would lie about it with entitlement. Lectures such as yours improve my understanding of past events and how it may affect my current emotions.
@@Xaxtarr_Neonraven he liked to purposefully goad me into that irrational screaming state, a state which was also in his repertoire of 2 year old tactics to control those around him. I now know that is common behavior among narcissists from watching these videos. It would make him very angry when people agreed with him and didn't follow through. I'd rather disagree respectfully upfront but in a low key way.
My daughter doesn't want my husband in her 1 year old sons life. She is happy for me to be in their lives but won't allow my husband to visit. I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place. My husband can be very combative and verbally aggressive with me over this issue. I understand why our daughter feels the way she does and I want to be in my grandsons lie and help them in any way I can. I don't know how to negotiate this situation and bring about some kind of peace.
He is wrong for getting upset with you, you are not the source of the conflict. Without more information, the obvious answer is for you to visit your daughter and grandson without him, noting that his absence is your daughter's rightful decision as a parent. If he doesn't like it, he can work it out with her and leave you out of it because you did nothing wrong. If peace can't happen between them, it's not your fault. You should not be punished because a conflict between two different people, nor should you be expected to fix it. Maybe you can assist and be supportive to them, but the real work is their responsibility. They need to work it out between themselves.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thanks for your reply. I've tried to bring about a reconciliation between them but my daughter is not willing to see her Dad. He refuses to see the impact his behaviour has on our family. So far he has refused to take any responsibility for their estrangement and blames her. I don't know if he is a narcissist or if I'm reading too much into the things he has said and done over the years.
@@alexastirling4385 It really sounds like both of them are committed to remaining apart from each other. And since I'm not a professional therapist, I don't know how to advise you on that. But I do know that the whole situation is hurting you, and you are doing the right thing by reaching out. It may be that this is all you can do for now, managing your own mental health, if they are not willing to bend. Something like therapy helps you see your own situation and take control of the things you actually can control, which is not other people. It's their responsibility to do the same but they need to do the work. It doesn't matter what the label is for your husband's behavior, "narcissist" or "super stubborn and rigid", you need to take care of you before all else. I wish you all the best, please be kind and gentle to yourself through this difficult time that has been going on over the years.
When they can’t control you(which they need to do), they desperately wait for any opportunity to be “punishing” (to these demons, annoying you is punishment) so keep doing what you want. They will soon fade. - The cycle of harassment: love bombing, being critical(hyper), redundantly insulting, rageful (this happens when you really ignoring their inappropriate behaviors) *Each stage has its level of obnoxiousness. The harassment tactics used to spew these cycles are performed usually after you’re done doing something, i.e. When you’re done watching a movie, car will accelerate in the distance. It’s no different from a toddler having to wait until the adult is done conversing with another adult to finally speak. In there case they have to wait until you’re unfocused. If they fail at keeping you in low vibration, then they have to wait until you’re not as focused on something to get attention. This is why when you’re done doing something the noise happens instantly. Ephesians 4: 27 Don’t give the devil any opportunity As long as they’re illegally watching you for mere harassment and as long as you decide to keep living these demons will keep desperately waiting for any opportunity to project negativity. And when you don’t ruin your own life, they latch onto you as some punishment for not self destructing. Forcing you to deal with some type of negativity; they’re annoyance, unwanted communication, criticism, fake love, reoccurring mental abuse, and anything toxic that relates to their agenda of evil doing to a targeted individual. They’re excuse(s) is not valid: Many narcissist will say they’re just trying to help and you don’t get it. When most times they put you in codependent situations, hence, why they are so evasive with the defensive. Plenty word salad. No real logic. However they wish to continue with wickedness. You speak solely on their constant harassment, they switch the subject to: they’re just trying to help??? So this means the invasion of privacy, the repeated agitation, is for that targets better good? Why am I sitting here trying to solve this statement like a math equation but these same people will say if they have to question love then…it don’t make sense. GOD is not the author of confusion. As Tupac said don’t quote me but these haters are here to bring only confusion. They’re trying to stop your natural path with the true Almighty GOD as they play god to control the masses. Help and control is totally different. Ask the right questions-
Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Thank you so much Dr. Carter about this session on anger. It was so much needed and we appreciate so much you helping us so much. You are a blessing to all of us.
Dr. C, Would you please discuss the complicated grief involved in the post no-contact death of a covert/malignant narcissistic parent (mother)? I had to flee the relationship to keep myself out of a psychiatric hospital. My psychiatrist and therapist supported no contact. However, now that the threats to my psychiatric health have come to an end, I still feel tremendous grief, guilt & pain regarding the way I ultimately had to manage the last several years of our lives. I have been focused on survival for so long and now I just feel terribly sad that it had to be that way. Please help me navigate this.
My brother has a disabled adult daughter who is paralyzed and needs fulltime care, which my brother does. I fill in sometimes when he goes out of town for work, even though I am female, 60, have my own family, and am physically disabled myself. The last time there, I noticed I am getting to where I am physically unable to lift or turn my niece - when I calmly approached my brother about what I should do for my niece should he never return one of these days (like the insurance company, the home he chose for her, bank/funds, etc. - like, basically, what to do in the hours/days immediately following, if anything), he flew at me in a firey rage and nearly hit me, screaming in my face, among other things, that his plan is to "not die". When I saw his rage, I just withdrew from the discussion by conceding, "Well, I don't know why Im so worried, shes an adult and can take care of her own arrangements - nothing's wrong with her brain - I don't know why I was even worried" he REALLY flipped out and started screaming, "NO! YOU sign on EVERYTHING for her - YOU are my 'backup' for everything!" I was floored, learning that there was no plan - or rather, the plan was, (should my brother dip out earlier than his daughter), ME left taking care of everything, I exasperatedly said, "Well, I wish you'd told me that!" Because I now know there is no savings, no living arrangement plan, no NOTHING that has been set up for my niece's care if my brother dies (and he will, like we all will - he's almost 70!), some family/friends say I ought to make it implicitly clear to my brother that I am not taking on the responsibility of my niece at my advancing age and physical disability, but I feel like I DID try to discuss it, and am also fearful of saying anything further about it - I'm not obligated to handle any of their personal decisions - and I feel like if I go back and say, "Make OTHER plans" that it's somehow validating the idea that I was EVER in any agreement with that. Truth is, they ARE all adults, my neice is in her 50's - and my brother also has a fully functional adult son, as well, who could easily handle his sister's affairs should something happen to their dad - and if they haven't set up a plan for her after my brother dies, it is not my job or obligation. Sure, I'll always help my niece, but I'm not able to take responsibility for her. Frankly, I don't WANT to bring it up again, even if only to tell him that I'm not his backup or to otherwise clarify my intentions - MY intentions! This incident led to a huge awakening - but I'm at the very front end of this journey. Any ideas? I have heard what those close to the situation think - I'd appreciate some OUTSIDE input. Thanks!
My narc spouse keeps trying to say "we aren't that kind of people" or "we don't like that" and I simply say you might not be this or you may not like whatever but I am not you and I have my own likes, etc
@Surviving Narcissism Thank you for instilling and explaining the 3 No's. It stops the head on assault. However, Q; How do you right the wrong when they then go after you through others. When there is real serious damage going on behind your back?
Are you referring to reputational damage? When narcissists can't control you, they try to control what others think about you. It makes you feel isolated and like you need to convince everyone the narcissist is wrong, but in my experience it hasn't been necessary. Most people already have their impression of you and the truth always comes out in the end. I don't know how one might right the wrong, some damage is just going to happen. But the truth is its own defense, and people who wanted to see the best in you will ultimately not give much weight to a narcissist's malicious gossip or smear campaigns.
@@t_nels Wow, it sounds like some combination of narcissists and flying monkeys working together. I imagine the answer would partly be based on the greater context which might go beyond the scope of understanding narcissistic abuse. I hope you find the answers you are seeking. I don't know how to right the wrongs done by others, since one often cannot control others. But you can do what is necessary to ensure you take care of yourself.
@@danielkaiser8971 This has to do with small community, with the love of gossip, and of out-laws (Not my MIL or FIL, RIP). I recently met up with people I haven't seen in decades. I decided to join a group. Now someone's friend list mimics my friends and most have fallen silent. It's true, it really doesn't matter. Those who know you, know you. Most never will and that is what I have to deal with. For a minute I found myself. Maybe I just need to shut it down because I am just traumatizing myself.
Not sure if you have an answer for this question or not? I have noticed that no contact is like huge lately with dealing with toxic people. It’s almost like a trend these days. How did that all get started? How do you know that really works? Is it proven in research at all? To my opinion sometimes you just have to get certain things off of your chest to that toxic person in order to move on with your life.
I don't think there is much research on the concept of no contact, and frankly, there are times when it simply is not possible due to all sorts of mitigating circumstances. But sure enough, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence suggesting that ongoing connection with toxic people is damaging.
Based on what you said about venting, how do you suggest one releases anger which is a common feeling when one has been practically destroyed by a narc. My marriage to him lasted 7 years until I discarded him. But the truth is that he emotionally discarded me quite a while before I threw him out. Thanks Dr C.
Can a narcissistic partner maintain the facade of being kind and caring for a period of years before their traits come out? Would eight or nine years be out of the question? Or is it possible for a a psychological crunch point in their life to trigger someone's narcissistic behaviour? For example, long-term life-changing chronic illness and treatment (hemodialysis) with a cocktail of drugs and all kinds of chemical or hormonal imbalances in the body over a period of years, all happening in a foreign country with a very different culture, and being trapped there with no family on hand to give support. Could this actually cause a middle-aged person to become permanently narcissistic?
I take it that the man does want to change. But just because he does, it's totally unreasonable for him to expect that she'll believe and accept he's really changing. He will have to prove himself, that he is going to be safe. This will take a lot of time. It's called consequences.
How am supposed to cope with my angry n family completely discarding me the mother/grandmother from their lives? Knowing these special events are happening and I’m not included. Of course I’m been the scapegoat and when I realized what I was dealing with and left my verbal and emotional abuse my family sided with the fake and evil Dad /Poppa who fools most people. Yes I’m in therapy and DrC and others are a Godsend but it’s still difficult.
In my family they are all narcissists except for one, but he is highly influenced by the others. I have one nephew who is a born again Christian and he came close to cutting me off. I am concerned with the way he and his wife are bringing up their children within this evangelical cult. They are being home-schooled, and brainwashed. To my mind it's child abuse. My psychologist says that indeed it is child abuse, but I can't say it because they would never speak to me again. It's terrible to have to stand by while these children are being abused in this dreadful cult. I really have to bite my tongue. The wife barely speaks to me. How do I cope with this Dr Carter?
I do not like my anger. It is nasty. Year ago, I felt so run over by so many people with no knowledge of boundaries, being highly sensitive, and knowing that i was being abused, so it felt like temper fits were the only thing I had to fight back. Of course that only gave the abusers something to deflect to and use against me. But reactive habits are hard to break. I am working hard and making progress. Right now, I just have to have patience with myself. I am so much better than I was two years ago when I first started listening to Dr. Carter.
Congratulations to your progress!🎉🎉🎉 Reactive habits are really hard to break because you have to have awareness, needing lots of breath and willpower.
Stay strong, take care and best wishes on your healing journey 🙏💛🙏
I totally understand where you’re at. You’ve described me. Reactive habits are so difficult to break. It almost seems like it is just automatic and before you know it, you’ve done it. Afterward, I ask myself why I couldn’t behave in a different way after reacting to my narcissist. How I wish I could break the habit. I’m working on it.
I'm in this club, you're not alone. Sending big hugs and reminders we can only work on ourselves and can't control others responses. Knowing this has lifted the weight from others, so we can begin to work on lightening our own and be healthier individuals. Being highly sensitive can be an incredible gift. I watched a documentary last night called "Sensitive, the Untold Story" and I highly recommend it for you. Alanis Morisette is in it as well!
🎉Absolutley with you! Let’s you/me/us Keep moving forward and celebrate every single motion forward-and own but not camp out at the places we fail. It is steady progress that will lead you/us towards greater freedom from unhealthy anger. Praying hard for us all. And completely hopeful! 😄
Same ❤❤❤
"One of us is the problem and it's not me." Perfect. Perfect impression of a Narc.
I learned very quickly not to ask questions or answer questions from a narcissist. All you'll get is rage on either side whether the issue has anything to do with you or not!!!😊
yes, you have to be very careful with everything you say because it will be used against you somehow, twisted and taken out of context.
"Why so many family questions in today's stream?" You can escape bosses, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Family is harder to avoid.
Yep!
And we have a natural urge to hang on to the family connection. So many of us have absorbed the idea that family is forever, that you don't turn your back on your family, that in the end family are the only people you can really count on. It's a shock to finally admit that that's not universally true. We tolerate abuse from family members that we'd never put up with from people we're dating, or co-workers or just strangers, because we have this feeling that it's disloyal to reject a family member.
True although changing jobs &/or moving is no small effort either
@@moimeme6533 Agreed. But work has evenings, weekends, vacations away. Family usually doesn’t.
Thank ya, questions, the community is my strength in a little way, to know how good traits or supposed to be, yea stay on track, the war on drugs, the war, on man, linda, the war, being ugly to a family member, it bites, go team healthy, this is my grateful class, the webinar, thank ya, for letting me join, yesterday, Aaron, is cool, the family is cool, man, im so thankful, going to war in the mind,not healthy, and yea, the way, im not supposed, to freak out, you add nuts ,drugs, and full-blown narcissist, i tripped bad, ugly, you folks, can almost save me, to be, hec, i beat myself up, im already nuts, and finally going mad on a family member, im dead, my Doctor sends me peace, dont be ugly, me and my narcissist is supposed to be stable people, but this monkey, man, feed me to the dogs, but my Doctor needs us to have peace in the mind, the webinar, is mines to keep, im going to try to be cool, im just thankful for the help, our family, love is here linda, you did enough ugly, hec i seen it again the robot child, i was ugly, we need to be stable, this family is not funny, strength is here for me, my narcissist needs stable, and man especially me, something has got to give, yea these traits is easy if you feed ugly
I think that it's when you have to "sit" on the anger and not be able to express those emotions, that they build up inside of you and cause the most damage. I was so afraid of letting lose on my narcissist and more than anything I wanted to give her the "what for" she deserved. But my son and I were homeless and I knew that if I said too much, she had the power to hurt us in more ways than we were already hurting. So I learned how to walk on eggshells, not saying too much when she'd come home from work, sneering at me because she'd had a bad day or she'd gotten mad with somebody at her church and decided to take out her frustrations on me. All of that suppression, all of that pent up anger (at her outrageously childish behavior), just exploded one day and landed me in a hospital for an extended stay. Now that I'm in recovery there are still days when I struggle with post traumatic stress, which takes days or weeks to recover from. How long does it take to get over the things that a narcissist does to you? I wish I could find an answer..
I have a simple answer.
It takes as long as you let it!!!!
I say this not to be flippant but from the receiving end of a narcissist and a gaslighter
The amount of time it will take you to heal depends on too many factors for anyone to pin down a time. That said, I think it's years. You can't rush it, and you'll need help. Educate yourself, find a therapist who does EMDR, journal, grieve, do things that bring you joy, etc. It doesn't just "take as long as you let it." There is work you must do that no one can do for you, but it does also simply take tiiiiiiime for that pent-up stress to come out and for healing to take place. Be patient with yourself, and love yourself.
I am pleased to say my gas-lighting detector is now up and running and firmly in place. It came into effect twice this week and I was able to navigate both situations effectively without any anguish. What a nice change that was. One situation was with my doctor regarding an operation that went wrong and the other when I returned a faulty pair of shoes. I called them both out and made them sort it out. As soon as my gas-lighting radar was triggered I stopped listening and started strongly voicing my expectations and I even spoke straight over the top of both of them. I am so pleased. In the past I would have accepted their crap and my situations would have been unresolved. Education is a powerful tool. Keep up the good work Dr. C
It is so hard to deal with an adult narc, while he or she is not but a 5-year-old child with a tantrum. Thanks a million Dr. Carter for all your knowledge, efforts and time 🙏
Tell me about it,my narc dad is 60 & he's a walking nightmare...Narcs age like a dead 🐟 that's been left in a hot 🚗 for a week or 2🤢.
I hear you Humanity1st
@@malwads1836Im dealing with my 80 year Old Narc Mother as she ages now and things are the same as when I was a child. Sending sympathies to you from a fellow Narc victim too
Narcissist anger is always a child’s tantrum. I also call it “getting on the train” at full speed - they raise their voice, don’t let get in a word - talk over you, need to control, of course they are NEVER at fault or wrong for anything, in the anger lash, demean, criticize, hurt - anything to bring you down. Not to mention their anger if you confront them in their lie - yikes - what an explosion.
Yes anything to bring you down to their level, then they're winning right
I’ve been verbally brutalized for the last time. I don’t deserve it. I’m the last person she needs to push away, and yet, she does it every year! She gets ready to ‘snowbird’ and baits us into arguments so she can feel better about leaving us/me. And yeah, when I drop her at the airport, I’m glad to be out from under her for 4 months.
100% most Everytime.
Great comment! That’s exactly what happens with my ex. He is like an 8 yr old not getting what he wants then it turns nasty and ugly with every word he spews!
My narc became furious because we had to stand in line at a social function. He made everyone uncomfortable around him, and then he left, leaving me there on my own. After the event he came back to collect me. All the way home in the car he screamed at me and accused me of F ing other men. This happens a lot.
I'm past the stage of being hurt by him. Now I am just biding my time while I set up my escape.
I think I would rather have yelling from a narcissist, because the silent treatment is completely heart-crushing.
Passive aggression is insidious & just as dangerous to our nervous system as a physical blow or yell
For me it's the opposite because at least they finally clammed up😌.
I learned to enjoy the silence.
Both forms (yelling & silent treatment) are not good for your mental, emotional and psychical health!
For me, silence is better
The dark empathy is their super power! It is exactly how one person can take down a family. I never thought it would happen to my own family!
Their darkness (secrets, lies, envy, jalousy etc.) tends to be their superpower!!! One person can poison a whole family system but mostly there are more than just one, unfortunately 😢
By the way, lovely picture of your camp in nature❣
@@roxymovie3938 Thank you ☀️
@@t_nels Hope you will have more chances to go there and enjoy the pure nature🙃😉
@@roxymovie3938 It would be nice but if this cold, rainy weather sticks it will be next year. Still hopeful.
@@t_nels Then good prospects for the coming spring 👍
@Surviving Narcissism
Dr. Les Carter,
I am so grateful you survived your accident. You have saved so many victims and I hope you know how appreciated you are.
Thank you for sharing and for not only Leading The Team but also being On The Team. Thank you Miguel
Thanks for this comment. That was a major turning point in my life, and Miguel was a rock.
Volunteer in developing countries and you will forever be imprinted with the "community versus individual" way of life. "Developed counties" have so much to learn. Thank you, Dr. C., for your emotion and authenticity regarding the Miguel Spotify story, and in general here. Bravo. And to Miguel and you for choosing to lead by classy, humble, gracious and gentle example, and despite your own suffering. Cheers.
The man who abused me for years would claim that my mental issues made him snap. I think it can be hard for an outsider to know 100% sure of who is being abused and who is playing victim.
Honestly, when I was living with him, sometimes I thought he was right. I started to believe that I was a bipolar control freak that no one wanted to be around. Its hard to know who I really am at times. Sometimed when Im at a low point, I find myself thinking all of the things he said are true.
@hopegardens I am the same way. I start to think I am the way he used to criticize me. But, remember you are NOT what he said. You are the EXACT OPPOSITE! You are doing good now by educating yourself on their personality disorder. If we only knew sooner! So much time wasted. ❤Hang in there!
@hopegardens My Heart goes out to You! I hope You're free of him now. I dated a narc for 4mos. And by the time I ghosted her she was starting to convince me of the same things about myself as well. She kept me emotionally of balance, and always told me that I had to grow up, and figure out better ways to regulate my emotions. Even though she was far more emotionally led than I was. She weaponized my own insecurities against me so I would question my own self worth. And she used shaming language to overrun my boundries and manipulate me even against my own principles. I cannot express to You the freedom I felt when I realized I was not responsible for her happiness. And it was around the same time that I began to understand that I could never make her happy no matter how much I did for her, or how well I executed any task to help her. despite her efforts to isolate me from my loved ones, she failed. Throughout the relationship, I kept my loved ones up to date staying very open with them so they had as much information they could. And later on, that became a critical factor in my escape. They were the ones who woke me up to her tactics and from the emotional haze I was in. This may sound naïve, but I had no ulterior motives in any way when I dealt with her. I had good intentions the entire time. I actually went out of my way to gain her trust(something I later learned would be impossible for anyone anyway) I'm glad it only lasted 4mos., she was really starting to convince me that I was unlovable, and that I had no value. And I'm so thankful to my support network for helping me understand the exact opposite.
@@PetekDemircioglu-ci1lh That's true! My narc ex gf constantly overran my boundries, and shamed the hell out of me whenever I held to my principles. Dr. Les Carter (Surviving Narcissism channel on YT) put it very aptly: ' The narcissist seeks to empty you of yourself, and fill You with themselves.' Not an exact quote, but You get the idea.
I kept my anger inside and suppressed for 50+ years at horrible treatment by my n mom( and dysfunctional fam) and it resulted in hbp, sadness and eventually a small stroke. I am now no contact. In hindsight, expressing my anger at the treatment probably would have led me to nc earlier. I would have been out the other side and working towards a happier existence .
Unfortunately, societal values and parental gaslighting kept me suffering inside myself.
In hindsight people outside the fam(teachers,friends,relatives) tried to gently encourage me, but I was terrified of backlash from the nc.
Edit….I was convinced my anger was proof of my badness ( the no was right). I would silently pray that God would help me be a better person. If your own mother didn’t love you,hated you ( she told me this several times), then you obviously ARE a horrible person😢
Cindy, I’m right there with you! My kids see my mom for what she is and they luckily get to go away, and live their lives without contact. I’m tired of it all! She’s a master manipulator, control-freak, CPAN, with all the power and I’m stuck here…don’t get stuck! If you have an out…TAKE IT!
You are a good man. A decent human being. I started watching your video's a few days back and your wisdom and how human being's should conduct themselves ,l think we can all learn so much..God bless you. I am so grateful for your decency. It's inspiring ❤
Thanks for taking the time to be an encourager. It matters.
I wish ppl realise that silence is golden w toxic characters , grey rockin too 🤩
What if you NEED to talk about something and they don’t want to talk? Do you just drop it and never get any answers? I tend to ruminate on things until I have an answer and things are solved.
I had things I thought I NEEDED my my spouse to answer or explain. When I learned that no answer or explanation would ever happen, I chose to live my life as if they were of no consequence, or as if they were not even there. It prepared me for the post-discard time when they actually weren’t. It opened up a whole world of travel and experiences when the only person who could tell me “No” was me.
I can't tell you how many times I have snapped. All the lies, cheating, calling me crazy, saying I'm telling stories, when I'm telling the actual truth. Being compared to other women all the time. The push and pull back and forth drove me crazy too. The excuses and not feeling validated at all too. It's hard not react after being treated like shit all the time.
I must say, I do empathise with the "difficult man, with the bitter wife, who loves therapy". I know this situation. It is difficult when your husband receives narcissistic supply from therapist, you pay the bill and he tells you how the therapist says you need to move on from the pain of his continuing neglect and abuse. Thank you for the videos. Hugs to Gus and the family xxx
My adult son asked me not to come to his wedding because is mother, my narc ex, asked if I mind not going to his wedding - it would make his mother uncomfortable. So since it's his wedding, I said it was his call. Of course I was sad but I didn't go. Meanwhile , at the wedding, they told people they couldn't believe I didn't attend my own son's special day.
They're each one of those of people.
I think that reflecting on one's anger is much more helpful than venting. Observing emotions while experiencing them as well. When interacting with the narcissist in real time one can do this spontaneously. "He or she is saying or doing this" and then now my response will be "X" INSTEAD of reacting. Interestingly, there's recognition that you are in control of YOUR responses (independent) of the person's irrational conduct! Our actions are separate from theirs and NOT what is projected upon us. Listening and observing absent mirroring it. 😉
You make so much sense.
I missed the live! Hi from New Mexico. Big shift and irony. I received my ex's SS! It came very fast. My life review has deep learning and gratitude. Karma seems real when dealing with a covert. Don't assume things will always be bad. He caused his own death and I have compassion and am deeply grateful for the support now.
You're here now, Nancy!
I believe we will thrive if we only let go & go on! Glad for your good news
1 way or another all narcs pay for their terrible behavior sooner or later... There's an EXTREMELY high price to be paid when you live like that & even 💰 won't 🛡️ you from the consequences in the end😬.
You’ve nailed it yet again Matthew. You’ve distilled the real essence and complexity of these relationships and why it’s so hard to leave whilst also providing practical help on managing the internal dialogue. Thank you. You’re a star and a genius!
My worst fear now that I’m out of it is snapping at abusive males in public settings & it’s sometimes to defend others… I just react but understand there’s a better way to handle it. If I could only count enough deep breaths & walk away it would end better probably but it’s not that easy to do!
Observe, don't absorb their filth. Grey rock like crazy & always have an escape plan.
Why would you want to provoke someone you know is abusive?
With that stubborn temperamental argumentative competitive narcissist, respond your disagreement blandly once ONLY ONCE (don’t react with emotion ) and that’s it - then STUBBORN silence 🤫 - you “won” because that narcissist didn’t get narcissistic supply from you (your emotional reaction against that narcissist) - that constant lack of narcissistic supply and codependent dance leads to narcissistic collapse of the narcissist
You gotta be strong on the inside to respond don’t react and gray rock 🪨 and be assertive and authentic in front of a narcissist (yes it’s “exhausting “ but it’s worth it )
Living or interacting with a narcissist in a healthy assertive way will be the fight of your life because narcissists unconsciously and consciously hates assertiveness and truth and authenticity
* No Pleading, no Coaxing, no Convincing
* No JADE (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining)
* No DEEP (Defending, Engaging, Explaining, Personalising)
You get it.
@@SurvivingNarcissism better late than never. I made those mistakes for decades, but the past is done. I keep recommending your video Calm Confidence to learn how not to.
I have been going through a very painful discard and divorce from my narcissistic wife of 27 years. Your podcasts, videos and books have helped me immensely in healing from her verbal and emotional abuse. Thank you, Les!
You are quite welcome.
My narcissistic ex wife just inflicted the punish stage upon me by taking away my cat, stealing away the only thing I had left, knowing the damage it would cause me under the guise of it "being her right" because of legal owner ship- which is true, but after almost two years of it not being something she'd do, now, after I started healing, she chose to strike.
I fear what may come next, because I have nothing left, yet I remain fearful. Thanks to team Healthy for being my compassionate compass through all of this ❤
Just get another crummy cat. I mean that one would have died sometime anyhow.
My two rescued cats save me daily ❤️🩹 we even have an outside cat who comes for food as well as company ❤ plz don’t get down now but turn that most recent betrayal around & adopt an older cat who will appreciate you❣️
@@caroleminke6116 I'll try my best by accepting reality for what it is and move forward, thanks for responding ❤
I'm praying for you and your cat. Your ex is in for a rude awakening. Remember that.
@keplermission4947 this isn't a very kind thing to say. Some people are very attached to animals and love them as much or maybe more than some people.
MY big take away from yesterday was accomodation is dishonest. Yes, I lose my temper at times when something nasty happens. Much better now at staying calm and away from those who trigger me. Clean anger speaking from MY feelings, not projecting can help me get clear.
I agree with what you said about accomodation being dishonest... it's not loving, either - to yourself or the person you're accommodating. Praying for God's very best as you continue in your healing journey. Thanks so much for sharing, because it's so helpful for the rest of us who are struggling in the same way. Selah. Shallom.
My father and older brother were narcissists. Since I was adopted I never developed a sense of self, an identity. I also was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my late teens, early twenties. The narcs really transferred all of their shame and dysfunction onto me. I’ve had a lot of trouble in my life with self image and self esteem.
I've learned to keep calm and ask them questions about their declarations, i.e., "Why do you feel that way?", "What made you come to that conclusion?"
I've gotten complete silence in those moments, or they get so ticked that they can't control and manipulate that they stomp off or leave the room.
I keep on topic because they will convolute the conversation with emotionally charged statements and "bunny trails" to try and throw you off balance emotionally and to try and get you to forget what the core of the conversation is about. This is especially true when confronting them and holding them accountable. They LOVE to say, "You, you, you, you..."
It's your fault they made the decisions they made.
It's your fault that they are experiencing the uncomfortable consequences of their actions, and they are going to make you pay for it.
You get it.
@@SurvivingNarcissism And I am grateful🙏🏻. Your content has also been a contributing factor, so thank you. 💖
Arguing is not having a conversation!
Hey, I learned a new one the other day. " if U argue with an idiot, there are two idiots"😅
Dr C, your vulnerability in your podcast about your accident was so refreshing, imagine a narcissist being able to be that honest and vulnerable!
Thank you. That incident was 43 years ago, and it became a turning point for me understanding pain and vulnerability.
Been there with my narcissistic father basically my entire life or since I was 20yrs old I’m now 52. The older he gets the worse he is. He’s ALWAYS TALKING NEGATIVE ABOUT SOMEONE, ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE FAULT. He does the thing that created the problem yet he’ll talk like someone else did it & it’s their fault. It’s completely wrong & mind blowing. I have NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO EXPRESS MY TRUE THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS OUT OF FEAR OF BEING HURT/Consequences..
This was so helpful! Thank you Dr. C.
My Dad loves to insult me, especially infront of anyone he's trying to impress, ie. my kids. It got so bad, that I made a rule. That when Mom says it's "Time to go." We GO. No questions, No complaints, we leave. That worked. Our vists were shorter with Grampa. But he got the idea after a while. ❤
❤ I am a big fan of yours, Dr C, watching and listening from Cork, 🇮🇪 Ireland. Part of your Team healthy.
I'm so pleased to be with you there in Cork!!
I found when I engaged with him. He talk so loud over me he never heard anything I said anyway
Dr.C do narcissists realize that you might see how fake they are whenever they put on that mask & love-bomb other people like neighbors for example right in front of you?Or do they just kind of forget about this possibility because they're so fixated on getting narcissistic supply from a different potential source?My narcissist dad has always been really nice toward people outside of the house but treated my mom & I like dirt🤢.Thanks for your time.
Dr. Carter; thank you again for such an important video. What I struggle to understand is WHY the narcissist has such anger…
Narcissists have such anger issues, because they are rotten from the inside. They are deeply insecure and have never come to terms with their inner issues, which they are constantly projecting onto you so that they can feel relief from the outside.
Dr. C when you said, “Give yourself permission to be a gerk,” I suddenly felt a pressure lift off of me. Thank you kindly.
Bless you, Dr. C 💜
While adversity is certainly tough, it also can forge us into better humans. I always liked the analogy of fire strengthening steel. So glad you had a friend there when you needed it.
Thanks again for all you do for us!
Right?! I've told a few narcissists, "People like you ONLY exist to make the rest of become better people."
You are the best! Keeping me going...through my narcissistic nightmare!
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
Thank you so much.
Greetings from the OKC Metro Area!
@@SurvivingNarcissism My N Husband has been controlling and hard to live with for 12 years, but now in July he has proclaimed himself single and leaves the home day or night to be with his girlfriend. I can't get him to leave! Now I'm facing having to sell the house and all possessions to rid myself of this. If I can get him to do that. What a mess. Your videos and a couple of good friends get through the day!
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
@@HarryBarker-yp1xv Yes this is a difficult situation to deal with. I moved with my husband to Oklahoma in 2016. I have no family here. Now I face moving again. May you have peace in the future.
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
@@danielkaiser8971 Nice to here from someone in Oklahoma. I'm about 3 hours away. Thank goodness for special people like Dr. Carter. These videos keep me sane while dealing with my narcissistic husband.
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
Thank you Dr Carter for this valueable subject of the anger between you and the Narcissist. This really hits home literally for unfortunately my whole family system has so many anger issues and communication is either yelling or silent treatment or triangulation or critizism.
Thank you for the tip of writing down your triggers, which might be very helpful. Your book "The Anger Trap" I started once but the letters were so small and so I decided to read "In Sheep's Clothes" from your collegue first.
My grandfather mother's side and my grandmother father's side were both tyrants, dominating everyone with their harshness behind closed doors.
I just watched your spotify podcast about Miguel - and I have to say I was moved to tears and so very GRATEFUL for your willingness to share about this very vulnerable time in your life and how very impactful Miquel's time in your life was... I agree with you in thinking he could very well have been an angel in disguise (smile)... what a touching story and VERY inspirational and empowering... brings new hope and strength to carry on in doing what's right in a very hurtful world... one person really CAN and DOES make a huge difference! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. C.
You are quite welcome. He was an amazing man!
... and so are you (smile)... thanks so much for holding up the torch and standing for righteous, healing behavior in the midst of a world that is so lacking in both. Your reward in heaven for standing the test of time here on earth, will be massive, I'm sure. @@SurvivingNarcissism
I've been in places where I shouldn't been because of who I was born to; I choose me. Age is a number! 😀
Wow! Unfortunately this figured highly in the raising of our children. Superior all knowing doctor husband had all the answers for “normal”. Disrespect was “normal”. And in fact the motto he gave my oldest daughter was ‘you are better than everyone else “ including his wife and her mother. Now he can’t understand why she dumped her best friends and mother and father. My authority in our home was totally undermined by his superior knowledge. It is still a constant fight.
I’m so glad you addressed the topic of the narcissistic grandparent. The scenario presented is identical to what we’re dealing with now and have recently gone no contact with my dad and his covert narc wife and wow, if I thought the narcissistic rage was bad when it was just me, it’s on a whole other level now that it involves my child who seems to be nothing more than a pawn in their narc scheme with grandiosity and manipulation disguised as “love”. I’m sure there’s no shortage of topics in the narcissistic arena but if you have the opportunity to cover this predicament in more depth I would be so appreciative!
Always a pleasure
I am okay with venting and anger. No human emotion should be off limits. No emotion is wrong or bad in my mind. Its how you decide to use them that is when a problem can arise, if you are not being responsible and accountable for your actions.
I like that you point out if someone didn't have anger in some situations that it would be odd. Anger is sometimes a very appropriate response and sometimes the only response that will get someone to stop, but some people like to take revenge on someone who gets angry. Anger lets you know that you do not like a situation and you are at your limit and its time to make some changes. I do my best to have anger be the last resort when solving disputes.
I think venting can be very helpful instead of bottling everything up inside. Sometime you are being taken advantage of and when you vent you have the opportunity to get feedback. I've had friend who confided in me things and they didn't realize it was abuse until they vented. Venting to a person you trust and value their opinion can be helpful in my opinion. Because bottling up can lead to snapping when you don't want to snap and for me when I didn't have a safe person to vent to it lead to panic attacks for me.
But venting and complaining but never taking action for serious things is a problem for me... I'm an action person so when friends complain or vent about the same thing over and over but do nothing to change it... that's when I personally have a problem. But only when it is about serious things not like: ugh they put mayo on my burger, the kids outside my apartment are being so loud while playing, I'm getting motion sick... etcetera. Then you have some people who just get angry at everything I can't handle those kinds of people. As much as I believe anger is an important emotion... I do think its one that should happen rarely (unless living with an abusive person or dealing with a messed up situation). Knew a man who would get angry over the weirdest and smallest thing, he had a lot of unhappiness in his life and I think he impulsive nature caused him to just lean into his anger... I could tolerate being around him at first but after a while it was just ridiculous.
Edited to add: Not sure where I heard this from, but your reaction to their abuse does not make you abusive, if you snap in anger good chance that it was an appropriate response, you may regret getting angry because they use it as a 'got you' game where they trigger your anger just so that they can call you a horrible person... when they started it in the first place.
You just cannot talk to them you cannot ask them questions you cannot do anything with them and you cannot buy anything for the narcissist.
That's where I made the mistake with my son Unknownly letting my mother raise him. She wanted to raise him. Maybe it was a way to control. Now. I think so
I get so angry because I get yelled at consistently, however if I don't engage it seems to make him angry, , why would someone want that reaction from a person that they claim to care sooo much about, I don't get it, never wrong and states that frequently, must be nice to know that you're never wrong eh, fantastic place to be I'm guessing, anyhow I found that I self destruct and I'm almost in the poor house, but then I feel like it'd be a lovely relief to be destitute, but I know inherently it's not, but then nobody would want anything from me
I had to suppress the anger many times. He would always get louder and nastier, and this was a guy who caused me to have to have my scalp stapled together once.
If getting your scalp stapled back together is not enough to tell U to get out & end it then I'm sorry. Don't choose to die at his hands & don't expect things will get better. He's not going to change, other than increasing violence on U. It's up to U to change U & get out if U want to live● 🙏 🙏 🙏
@@teresadvorak6145 I left. He's an ex now. I was leaving when the scalp incident occurred.
I was just thinking about what you said about "venting" and I'd just like to add that in my own life, it has to be coupled with self reflection and being willing and able to take ownership of my own faults and failures - keeping the right balance between the two can be somewhat challenging, though, and that's why it's good to have a friend or therapist to be your sounding board, to help keep you on track... someone who knows your tendencies toward things like self condemnation or the need to blame yourself for your failures, as well as the failures of your abuser.
A therapist as a sounding board makes much more sense than just blowing up!
Its important to understand about real diagnosis to really do the right thing. Thanks for the CE.
If a victim of narc abuse feels anger starting to get to an unmanageable level they need to seek help. If you act on that anger you are no better than the narc. I believe my narc sister who was caring for our elderly narc mother physically abused her. The hospital suspected it but not enough evidence. I hired home care, my sister fired them. I went to help with home care and sister told me I was not welcome. I tried to phone to give verbal support and she blocked me. I know my narc mom could be maddening but seek help before beating a 90 year old.
I think it is called "reactive abuse", when someone is abused beyond their tolerance such that they react by being abusive themselves.
@@danielkaiser8971 Yes, and I understand abuse can breed abuse but there is a point where you need to seek help before you harm.
@@l.5832 You are exactly correct. Thank you.
I have had all the abuse from above that triggered anger outbursts from my narcissistic husband I didn’t want to blow up
Question for Dr Carter: Would you consider a narcisstic family to be another form of a 'cult'?
I could be a mini-version of it, yes. A dominant leader who insists on absolute loyalty, and who makes up the rules to suit oneself.
Mine has been a 20 year journey. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family..My father was distant and cold , an alcoholic. My mother was more overt ..Mum improved as she got older. Mum and Dad died within three months of each other. Little did l know just how bad things would become. My two remaining sister's have families ( grown up now) .One sister is overt and the other covert..It's been horrible. No empathy or love. Just cruelty. Some of the stuffs is unbelievable. I was in a coma with severe bilateral pneumonia a few years back and my health has declined..Nobody has helped. It's been difficult to come to terms with. I feel anger. I want to scream at those disgusting human beings. The best thing.....GET AWAY From their evil behaviours..No contact
Under one thin veneer theres even more thinner veneer of superficiallity!
39:46 - Yes give yourself complete and total permission to be a jerk as an option. Feels super weird at first. It shocks them.
I so very very much appreciate you & your wisdom Dr. C!! I have decided to adopt you as my father, the father I never had & the father that is the perfect role model of what a father looks like & feels like in my heart. My inner child absolutely adores you & I feel so blessed to finally have such a splendid father figure that I can learn from & put into practice the thoughtful guidance that you are blessing me & so many others with. I just can’t thank you enough how much you have helped me in so many ways… I feel so much gratitude for you & (Gus) & wanted to reach out & let you know how appreciative I am for you sharing so much comfort & wisdom with me. 🙏
be angry and sin not... feel the anger and make a wise decision about how to act. knowing a wise decision is the game plan of maturity. acting as an adult often takes time because we were raised, surrounded by and modeled very immature people.
Dr.C, I’m dealing with my entire family of origin plus their children( nieces , nephews)
Since going no contact with my highly N mother my siblings dropped me and support her, knowing full well what she’s done to all of us ( her children)
Almost two years now and they even have ignored my children’s bdays , as well as my 50th last January. ( not that I care just shows their game)
They never stop trying to hurt . Yet I’m not in contact. I’ve done my best at remaining peaceful , silent and grey rock. They’re bullies, and it effects my children now.
How will this effect my own kids? Ages 31, 18 and 14.
I have been very careful not to talk badly in-front of them yet they have their own opinions, which are fully supportive to me and have seen all their abuse for years.
Will they be bitter , or will they have learned well ?
I just want them to be ok.
Thanks DrC for you continued help ❤
Your kids need Mom (you) to explain kindly why this has happened. You don't have to be bitter in your explanation, but just explain why you have chosen a very different path, and invite them to join you. This could become one of many such discussions. It's your leadership opportunity.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you, that’s exactly what I Have been doing. You continue to be a very strong informative platform for me, and so many others, thank you for this 🙏🏻❤️
I just listened to the podcast. It made me cry right with you. What a journey you went through and the blessing of Miguel. There are many good people out there. As survivors of Narcissistic abuse let's shed that negative influence and bring back our true selves. Use our kindness to help others.
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
Glad you listened. I just decided to dive into the personal dimension on that taping.
Thank you for sharing your story about Miguel on the podcast. I remember you mentioned him in a past video which showed a photograph of you in the hospital bed and Miguel next to the bed. I didn't recognize you at age 26 with dark brown hair. I am so glad you had that experience. I believe your life would have been completely different otherwise, and therefore so would mine and everyone else's here. Maybe he really was an angel. Maybe you were his protégé.
I can remember that photograph as well, watched that video a lot of months ago because he mentioned that this was truly one of his favourite videos because of Miguel, his life savior and mentor. And yes, the hair was different - decades ago we all looked a bit different, didn't we?😉
Getting something out of your system doesn't change your directions. Its like an alcoholic saying that drinking a bottle of vodka is going to get the need out of the system. Sure it might work for that moment but that need will rise again. Only finding another healthier way to meet that need is going to put you in a better direction.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and intelligence for those of us who attempt to keep a peaceful, positive and respectful environment, despite the underlying problems which often include anger. “Don’t talk to me like that anymore,” in a calm voice has worked well so far and in the moment. My time listening to your management skills is well worth it!
Dr. C my father passed away in May of 2022. He was my mothers flying monkey always making excuses for her horrible behavior. They both acted crazy and said some very damaging things to me, my husband, my brother, his wife, and even some of the grandchildren. She spent the last year telling everyone that she was affected more so than any of us by his death because he was her husband, totally invalidating all of our feelings of losing our father. She is now dating (she claims they are just friends, but she’s admitted kissing him) her neighbor and even brushes us off to take his phone calls on her cellphone. Is it normal for a narcissist parent when they lose their flying monkey to move on so fast? Our heads are spinning and we are not yet over losing our dad. I have researched but never found any advice on this.
I don't know of any research either, but my experience tells me that many narcissists (being needy for supply) will move fast to get the next person in line.
[10:20] Re: "Venting for venting's sake"...Oh my goodness, Dr. C!!!!!! You are SO RIGHT about this! Having gone to the Rader Inst., back in the 90's and a Christian Therapy (both helpful in some respects), both using bataka (or sometimes, plastic kids' baseball) bats to disperse the anger, but NOT knowing how to Process the anger or express it in a healthy manner, has kept me from healthy relations with the people that I love. Even in watching your, 'Covert Narcissism and Post Traumatic Stress Webinar Promo 1', & 'A Narcissistic Provoke-Then-Accuse Game', realized that I STILL am PETRIFIED of confrontation and ANY sort of Conflict. Which [I am so grateful that] when you said, "Conflict is simply going to happen and we're not always going to think the same and you know how you manage that, is going to tell us a whole lot about who you are from the inside out." When you said that, tears came to my eyes, and I started to lovingly rub my upper left arm, and said, "I'm so sorry, honey." And then, "This hurts".
Thank you, again, Dr. Carter for pulling back [yet another] layer. My rage is not healthy. It serves no purpose, only leaves me more confused and distressed that that kind of anger could come out of me. Through an emotional flashback [years ago], I realized that I was not allowed to get angry. Needing to learn how to address it on a day-to-day basis ("Healthy life skills") is so eye-opening and enlightening. Thank you. You are a blessing...
Dr Carter's advice on how to end an argument is excellent. It's timely for us here in Australia where the country is divided on voting yes for an Aboriginal Voice to Parliament I am very weary about talking about it because I feel the no voters are so mean spirited. I try to steer clear and not get pulled in. I also get very upset.
I am also in Australia and am very upset. I am the only one in my family of narcissists to vote yes. The one nephew I thought had some humanity voted no. I am very depressed about it all.
Thank you so very much, you are truly appreciated 🌄
You are so welcome, and thanks for your kind comments.
Pleasure
Thank you so much for validating emotional reactions!
. Sometimes, you have to lose everything, to stand up against wrong . That's just the way it is . Keep your head, it won't be here forever . Keep fighting for right, when you are smoothed by wrong . Fight a good Fight, for righteousness sake . God bless you, don't give up . ~ hard life (MULDEW) .
47:57 I have been very open with some of my feelings with my husband since things have become so stressed. I take ownership for ways I have contributed to our dysfunction, because in a relationship, it takes two to make a problem. Every time… And I mean every time… I do this, he lights into me. He will tell me, I’m toxic, I’m a liar and gaslighting. I didn’t even know what gaslighting was! I had to look it up. That is not me! Why is it that when I’m trying to help us work on issues he tells me what a terrible person I am? It makes me not want to work on my relationship, and it makes me not trust him. How can I talk to him about problems that we have in our relationship without being attacked? He doesn’t say that I can be toxic, I can be a liar, I can gaslight… He tells me that I am these things. He’s not attacking behaviors, he’s attacking me.
The first Two times it happened I did engage with him (son) I don't know how I came to the conclusion that it made me feel terrible. I felt awful. So I just at first who cares but now it's whatever mostly no reaction
Agree especially about venting. I used to react episodically with screaming. I now think narc ex got a sense of power from it. When I realized what was really happening, that there was malicious intent, I was able to redirect it constructively. Before I did not understand what was going on with that person. If I asked him why he did that he would lie about it with entitlement. Lectures such as yours improve my understanding of past events and how it may affect my current emotions.
@@Xaxtarr_Neonraven he liked to purposefully goad me into that irrational screaming state, a state which was also in his repertoire of 2 year old tactics to control those around him. I now know that is common behavior among narcissists from watching these videos. It would make him very angry when people agreed with him and didn't follow through. I'd rather disagree respectfully upfront but in a low key way.
Narcs get great satisfaction when you lose your s$!?. It is their goal to make you appear to be a lunatic.
@38:03 mark. I'm just like that person. Thanks for responding 😊
You're quite welcome.
Thank you for posting this video! It was quite enlightening and helpful! ❤
My daughter doesn't want my husband in her 1 year old sons life. She is happy for me to be in their lives but won't allow my husband to visit. I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place.
My husband can be very combative and verbally aggressive with me over this issue. I understand why our daughter feels the way she does and I want to be in my grandsons lie and help them in any way I can. I don't know how to negotiate this situation and bring about some kind of peace.
He is wrong for getting upset with you, you are not the source of the conflict. Without more information, the obvious answer is for you to visit your daughter and grandson without him, noting that his absence is your daughter's rightful decision as a parent. If he doesn't like it, he can work it out with her and leave you out of it because you did nothing wrong. If peace can't happen between them, it's not your fault. You should not be punished because a conflict between two different people, nor should you be expected to fix it. Maybe you can assist and be supportive to them, but the real work is their responsibility. They need to work it out between themselves.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thanks for your reply. I've tried to bring about a reconciliation between them but my daughter is not willing to see her Dad. He refuses to see the impact his behaviour has on our family. So far he has refused to take any responsibility for their estrangement and blames her. I don't know if he is a narcissist or if I'm reading too much into the things he has said and done over the years.
@@alexastirling4385 It really sounds like both of them are committed to remaining apart from each other. And since I'm not a professional therapist, I don't know how to advise you on that. But I do know that the whole situation is hurting you, and you are doing the right thing by reaching out. It may be that this is all you can do for now, managing your own mental health, if they are not willing to bend. Something like therapy helps you see your own situation and take control of the things you actually can control, which is not other people. It's their responsibility to do the same but they need to do the work. It doesn't matter what the label is for your husband's behavior, "narcissist" or "super stubborn and rigid", you need to take care of you before all else. I wish you all the best, please be kind and gentle to yourself through this difficult time that has been going on over the years.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you. I appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot.
So heartbreaking when it’s your only child and he married a Narc too 💔 Totally ditched my husband & I
When they can’t control you(which they need to do), they desperately wait for any opportunity to be “punishing” (to these demons, annoying you is punishment) so keep doing what you want. They will soon fade.
- The cycle of harassment: love bombing, being critical(hyper), redundantly insulting, rageful (this happens when you really ignoring their inappropriate behaviors)
*Each stage has its level of obnoxiousness. The harassment tactics used to spew these cycles are performed usually after you’re done doing something, i.e. When you’re done watching a movie, car will accelerate in the distance. It’s no different from a toddler having to wait until the adult is done conversing with another adult to finally speak. In there case they have to wait until you’re unfocused. If they fail at keeping you in low vibration, then they have to wait until you’re not as focused on something to get attention. This is why when you’re done doing something the noise happens instantly. Ephesians 4:
27 Don’t give the devil any opportunity
As long as they’re illegally watching you for mere harassment and as long as you decide to keep living these demons will keep desperately waiting for any opportunity to project negativity. And when you don’t ruin your own life, they latch onto you as some punishment for not self destructing. Forcing you to deal with some type of negativity; they’re annoyance, unwanted communication, criticism, fake love, reoccurring mental abuse, and anything toxic that relates to their agenda of evil doing to a targeted individual. They’re excuse(s) is not valid: Many narcissist will say they’re just trying to help and you don’t get it. When most times they put you in codependent situations, hence, why they are so evasive with the defensive. Plenty word salad. No real logic. However they wish to continue with wickedness. You speak solely on their constant harassment, they switch the subject to: they’re just trying to help??? So this means the invasion of privacy, the repeated agitation, is for that targets better good? Why am I sitting here trying to solve this statement like a math equation but these same people will say if they have to question love then…it don’t make sense. GOD is not the author of confusion. As Tupac said don’t quote me but these haters are here to bring only confusion. They’re trying to stop your natural path with the true Almighty GOD as they play god to control the masses. Help and control is totally different. Ask the right questions-
I have always been the joke in his mouth and the ridicule makes me angry. Barely human anymore.
Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Thank you so much Dr. Carter about this session on anger. It was so much needed and we appreciate so much you helping us so much. You are a blessing to all of us.
Thanks, Alice.
Excellent video!!
Got so much out of this one! Thank you Dr C and people asking great questions!
I don’t believe it’s fair for one person to have things the way they want them but not the other person. How should that be handled?
Thank you dr C for all the wisdom it's an eye opener it's really helpful. worlds need people like you ❤
Dr Carter, thank you!❤️🩹🙏🏼🥰‼️
Dr. C, Would you please discuss the complicated grief involved in the post no-contact death of a covert/malignant narcissistic parent (mother)? I had to flee the relationship to keep myself out of a psychiatric hospital. My psychiatrist and therapist supported no contact. However, now that the threats to my psychiatric health have come to an end, I still feel tremendous grief, guilt & pain regarding the way I ultimately had to manage the last several years of our lives. I have been focused on survival for so long and now I just feel terribly sad that it had to be that way. Please help me navigate this.
My brother has a disabled adult daughter who is paralyzed and needs fulltime care, which my brother does. I fill in sometimes when he goes out of town for work, even though I am female, 60, have my own family, and am physically disabled myself. The last time there, I noticed I am getting to where I am physically unable to lift or turn my niece - when I calmly approached my brother about what I should do for my niece should he never return one of these days (like the insurance company, the home he chose for her, bank/funds, etc. - like, basically, what to do in the hours/days immediately following, if anything), he flew at me in a firey rage and nearly hit me, screaming in my face, among other things, that his plan is to "not die".
When I saw his rage, I just withdrew from the discussion by conceding, "Well, I don't know why Im so worried, shes an adult and can take care of her own arrangements - nothing's wrong with her brain - I don't know why I was even worried" he REALLY flipped out and started screaming, "NO! YOU sign on EVERYTHING for her - YOU are my 'backup' for everything!" I was floored, learning that there was no plan - or rather, the plan was, (should my brother dip out earlier than his daughter), ME left taking care of everything, I exasperatedly said, "Well, I wish you'd told me that!"
Because I now know there is no savings, no living arrangement plan, no NOTHING that has been set up for my niece's care if my brother dies (and he will, like we all will - he's almost 70!), some family/friends say I ought to make it implicitly clear to my brother that I am not taking on the responsibility of my niece at my advancing age and physical disability, but I feel like I DID try to discuss it, and am also fearful of saying anything further about it - I'm not obligated to handle any of their personal decisions - and I feel like if I go back and say, "Make OTHER plans" that it's somehow validating the idea that I was EVER in any agreement with that. Truth is, they ARE all adults, my neice is in her 50's - and my brother also has a fully functional adult son, as well, who could easily handle his sister's affairs should something happen to their dad - and if they haven't set up a plan for her after my brother dies, it is not my job or obligation. Sure, I'll always help my niece, but I'm not able to take responsibility for her. Frankly, I don't WANT to bring it up again, even if only to tell him that I'm not his backup or to otherwise clarify my intentions - MY intentions!
This incident led to a huge awakening - but I'm at the very front end of this journey. Any ideas? I have heard what those close to the situation think - I'd appreciate some OUTSIDE input. Thanks!
Thank you for your wisdom and support dr Carter❤ God bless you❤
Loved the podcast...was right there with you on the emotion. I would urge everyone to listen to it.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Not always true. Ask someone who's lived this.
My narc spouse keeps trying to say "we aren't that kind of people" or "we don't like that" and I simply say you might not be this or you may not like whatever but I am not you and I have my own likes, etc
His we sounds like you
@Surviving Narcissism Thank you for instilling and explaining the 3 No's. It stops the head on assault.
However, Q; How do you right the wrong when they then go after you through others. When there is real serious damage going on behind your back?
Are you referring to reputational damage? When narcissists can't control you, they try to control what others think about you. It makes you feel isolated and like you need to convince everyone the narcissist is wrong, but in my experience it hasn't been necessary. Most people already have their impression of you and the truth always comes out in the end. I don't know how one might right the wrong, some damage is just going to happen. But the truth is its own defense, and people who wanted to see the best in you will ultimately not give much weight to a narcissist's malicious gossip or smear campaigns.
@@danielkaiser8971 A collaborative effort.
@@t_nels Wow, it sounds like some combination of narcissists and flying monkeys working together. I imagine the answer would partly be based on the greater context which might go beyond the scope of understanding narcissistic abuse. I hope you find the answers you are seeking. I don't know how to right the wrongs done by others, since one often cannot control others. But you can do what is necessary to ensure you take care of yourself.
@@danielkaiser8971 This has to do with small community, with the love of gossip, and of out-laws (Not my MIL or FIL, RIP).
I recently met up with people I haven't seen in decades. I decided to join a group. Now someone's friend list mimics my friends and most have fallen silent.
It's true, it really doesn't matter. Those who know you, know you. Most never will and that is what I have to deal with. For a minute I found myself. Maybe I just need to shut it down because I am just traumatizing myself.
Not sure if you have an answer for this question or not? I have noticed that no contact is like huge lately with dealing with toxic people. It’s almost like a trend these days. How did that all get started? How do you know that really works? Is it proven in research at all? To my opinion sometimes you just have to get certain things off of your chest to that toxic person in order to move on with your life.
I don't think there is much research on the concept of no contact, and frankly, there are times when it simply is not possible due to all sorts of mitigating circumstances. But sure enough, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence suggesting that ongoing connection with toxic people is damaging.
Based on what you said about venting, how do you suggest one releases anger which is a common feeling when one has been practically destroyed by a narc. My marriage to him lasted 7 years until I discarded him. But the truth is that he emotionally discarded me quite a while before I threw him out.
Thanks Dr C.
I'm ok with releasing your emotions with a safe person...what I was downplaying is just raw spewing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks for clarifying Dr. C. I misunderstood what you were saying.
Thank you,
Keith
Can a narcissistic partner maintain the facade of being kind and caring for a period of years before their traits come out? Would eight or nine years be out of the question?
Or is it possible for a a psychological crunch point in their life to trigger someone's narcissistic behaviour? For example, long-term life-changing chronic illness and treatment (hemodialysis) with a cocktail of drugs and all kinds of chemical or hormonal imbalances in the body over a period of years, all happening in a foreign country with a very different culture, and being trapped there with no family on hand to give support. Could this actually cause a middle-aged person to become permanently narcissistic?
Yes, it's quite common that the covert narcissist can cover latent tendencies for years. But in crisis moments the pattern shows up.
I take it that the man does want to change. But just because he does, it's totally unreasonable for him to expect that she'll believe and accept he's really changing. He will have to prove himself, that he is going to be safe. This will take a lot of time. It's called consequences.
How am supposed to cope with my angry n family completely discarding me the mother/grandmother from their lives? Knowing these special events are happening and I’m not included. Of course I’m been the scapegoat and when I realized what I was dealing with and left my verbal and emotional abuse my family sided with the fake and evil Dad /Poppa who fools most people. Yes I’m in therapy and DrC and others are a Godsend but it’s still difficult.
In my family they are all narcissists except for one, but he is highly influenced by the others.
I have one nephew who is a born again Christian and he came close to cutting me off. I am concerned with the way he and his wife are bringing up their children within this evangelical cult. They are being home-schooled, and brainwashed. To my mind it's child abuse. My psychologist says that indeed it is child abuse, but I can't say it because they would never speak to me again.
It's terrible to have to stand by while these children are being abused in this dreadful cult.
I really have to bite my tongue. The wife barely speaks to me.
How do I cope with this Dr Carter?